Original subtitles

Tevin is living in my house.

- He's blackmailing me until I get his record wiped! - What... What?!

If we sort this out ourselves,

then he also won't have anything to blackmail me with.

This must be where he lives, right?

We are coming for you, Steve.

Oh, shit!

Nobody knows anything,

and nobody's going to know as long as you keep your shit together.

OK. Why did you print this?

Erm... That was me.

I need a file pull on two agents.

Either you come clean or I will.

If I'm going to have to confess to this thing,

then I want to bring him in at the same time.

Solid proof I wasn't working with the guy.

We are bringing Steve in.

If I'm going to have to confess to this thing,

I want to bring him in at the same time.

We are bringing Steve in.

Dom, can you please get out of my thoughts? I'm trying to concentrate!

What are you doing that's more important than this?

CARIBBEAN MUSIC

Stop! Stop! Stop!

MUSIC STOPS

Kayode! What the hell happened?

- No, no... - You were meant to come in four bars ago. Your big solo.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, everyone.

I was... Just, er, my mind... Got a lot going on.

Oh, OK.

So, you want me to call up Carnival and ask them to postpone?

It's two weeks away, man!

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I'll get it, I swear.

Maybe we should give your solo...

..to Cordell.

No, no! No, no, no, no.

No, I've got it. I promise.

Let's go again, let's go again. I've got it.

How are you feeling?

MUSIC RESUMES

CAR HORN HONKS

Sorry, Clive, I've got to go.

You're not getting my solo, Cordell.

It's not happening.

It's mine. It's mine!

Sorry, Clive. Sorry, everyone.

I... I go, I go.

HONKING CONTINUES

Yes, stop it! Stop it! I'm here! I'm here!

Ugh, you're 15 minutes early!

I had to abandon my solo and watch a teenager openly mock me!

OK, head in the game, all right?

We have a serious job to do tonight!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

Hey.

Oh...

Why have you brought inflatable numbers to a covert operation?

They're for Julie's birthday party tomorrow.

I had to bring them or my dad wouldn't let me borrow the car.

Julie's 90?!

God, she looks great!

No! The six is upside down!

Oh. Well, 60's a big deal.

What have you bought her?

A scented candle.

You just can't hide your contempt, can you?

Also, I'm concerned those balloons

are going to obstruct your view while driving.

Oh, my God, Kay. Shut up!

And why are you wearing an orange T-shirt when I said black fatigues?!

Fatigues!

Dom, I keep telling you, I don't know what fatigues are!

No, Tevin, you didn't need to do that. Just leave them on the side.

No, I like it.

Quietens the noise in my head, do you get me?

Look, we just wanted to let you know we're heading out.

I'm taking Julie to Jardins for her birthday.

They serve the salads in little, tiny watering cans.

So inventive.

There are a couple of pizzas in the freezer if you want one.

Julie, before you go, I got you a little something for your birthday.

Oh, you didn't need to do that, Tevin!

That's... That's very thoughtful of you.

Oh. Heh.

Many happy returns.

50. Very generous.

Tevin, look, re: Julie's party tomorrow.

In case it's not obvious, you are very much invited.

Ah, you know, what...

I'm not really ready to meet the rest of the family yet.

- Nonsense! You ARE family. - Mm!

Nah, the thing is, like, I'm not really a parties guy.

Like, I'll probably sit it out upstairs,

have a vape, play some Switch, you know?

Tevin, look, we don't mean to pry,

but we've noticed...

..you don't mix with other people.

Y-you don't even leave the house.

Now, I'm a paediatrician - that's a doctor for children.

Yeah, I know what a paediatrician is.

It's just that sometimes people get it mixed up

with the other thing...

So, my point is, I know a thing or two about mental health and...

Ah, y-you know what...

Heh-heh-heh, you know what?

Yeah, I'd love to be there.

- Yeah, I'll come. - Brilliant! - Oh, fantastic!

Looking forward to it!

- Yeah, man. - Happy days.

- Let's go spend some money! - Yes!

Come on, spend it.

I'll see you there.

Glad rags on.

DOOR CLOSES

So, what's the plan?

OK, this is what I'm thinking...

We will hide in Steve's building and wait for him to leave his flat,

then we will use the lockpicker to break in.

I've gotten pretty good with it.

You're welcome.

We will then wait for him to return...

..then jump him!

Gaffer tape, cable ties, the lot!

Stick him in the boot, job done, Happy Meals are on me.

And, and - this is the piece de resistance, yeah?

I'm talking some 4D chess shit - we tell MI5 Tevin was the informant

who gave us Steve's address.

All he asks for in return is his record wiped.

Two birds, one stone - obliterated!

God, I'm good!

We'll probably get medals.

No. I'm sorry, Dom, I... I can't agree to that.

Bundling someone into a car boot does not align with my values.

No, no. We can do this in a more civilised way.

SHE SIGHS

OK, Kay...

..what is your suggestion?

We knock on Steve's door, calmly explain that the game's up.

We dial 101 because a crime isn't currently being committed

and sit with him in a firm but reassuring manner

until the arresting officers arrive.

Hmm?

OK. Yeah. I hear it, I see it.

- I think there might be a little flaw with it, though. - What's that?

It's st-yo-pid!

You said minimal force!

Minimal force is still force, Kay!

All right? I'm just not going to pistol-whip the guy.

"Pistol-whip"? "Pistol-whip"?!

Yes, I've said worse things than "pistol-whip", Kay.

- Shh! - Shit, he's coming out!

So, we approach him and then we politely escort him to the car.

It's too open! There are too many exits, too many witnesses.

Oh, he's gone! What do we do now?

I guess we're just going to have to do what I said.

- Divine intervention, Kay. - No, no! I don't like this!

You don't have to like it!

Look, I think we should call the MI5,

tell them the truth about everything,

give them Steve's address and then they can take care of...

Kay! They're going to send over numpty, who'll turn up empty-handed,

and then it looks like we're trying to pull a fast one.

Meanwhile, Steve is still out there, at large, planning God knows what!

Look, we wait for him to come back home and then we get him.

What's in there?

Just one or two things from the gadget stores.

And how'd you get stuff out of the gadget stores?

Put it on the same code as the lockpicker.

What?! Dom, that's signed out under my name!

OK, can we just get some perspective here, please, OK?

I got you to smuggle out a classified file from MI5, all right?

This is not worse than that, is it?

How is that your argument?!

Wh... Where are you going?!

We're putting a tracker on Steve's car.

If he comes back and drives off, we can tail him.

No, no, no, no! I do not consent to a car chase, Dom,

especially with inflatables in the vehicle!

It's a precaution, Kay!

You love that word - "caution"!

Evening.

Ooh...

Right...

What's that?

Motion sensor, so we know when he's coming back.

Did you leave anything at the gadget store?!

Yeah, those cacao balls. They tasted like arse.

- Dom, Dom, Dom, Dom... - Hmm?

Oh! Hey!

Good evening, madam!

We would like to introduce you to our Lord and our Saviour...

No? No? OK.

Good evening.

Offensive.

Worked though, didn't it?

We have absolutely no idea how long he's going to take to get back,

so when we're inside, we must examine the three Ps -

patience, precision and...

LOCK CLICKS

Ooh, got it. Let's go.

Oi, what's the third P?

Dom, what's the third P?!

OK, we have to do all this precisely, right?

So just follow everything I do and we'll be absolutely fine, OK?

Hope you don't mind, I borrowed your dressing...

..gown!

Sorry, who are you?!

Erm...

I should ask you the same question...

..seeing as this is my flat!

Oh!

Heh, sorry.

Jared didn't mention any housemates.

Jared?

Didn't he? He didn't? That's...

That's bloody Jared, eh?

Typical Jared!

Always playing the big man! Always playing the homeowner!

And he is not.

He is...not the homeowner.

I am...

..the homeowner.

Mm.

Sorry, you know, that I was a bit argh just now.

Jared didn't tell me that he was...

..seeing anyone.

Oh.

Well, it's only a second date.

Ah, well, going well, then.

See? Careful there.

You know Jared, he's all charm and smiles until he...

..lands you in the shit!

Hang on, isn't this a one-bed?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Welcome to the London housing market!

Am I right? Thanks, boomers.

Oh, wow, so how does that work?

How does it work? How does it work?

It works like this, mate.

I'm going to tell you how it works. This is how it works...

I work nights, Jared days.

Ships passing away from each other in the wind cos we don't,

we don't ever see each other cos he's in the other...

Different time schedules and...

Hey, do you want a drink?

- We should go. - No. No.

I'm sure, erm, er...

- Benito. - Ah! Benito and Jared wouldn't mind if we, you know,

hung out with them for a bit.

You know what? Actually, where is... ..where is our...our Jared?

Our kid, our kid!

Where is our roomie? Where has he gone?

He's just gone to pick up a Chinese and a gram.

Oh! And Chinese and a gram! Great!

So, he's gone to pick that up,

so, what, he'll be, what, like, 15...15 minutes? 10? 15?

I... I guess.

Yeah, so he will be right back, OK? Soon.

What would you like to drink?

Kay, what would you like to drink?

HE BREATHES SHAKILY

O-orange squash.

OK!

Erm...

Not-not-not something from the fridge? No?

No, just orange squash, please.

Alrighty, then! OK.

So, an orange squash.

Oh, do you want in on the squash?

Oh, no, I'm good with my Chablis, thanks.

- He's good. - Just not too much squash.

OK, so you want an orange squash?

Cos, yes, you are the only one who wants it and I'm in the kitchen,

going to get you an orange... ..an orange squash, so, erm...

- Oh, er, by the way, Benito... - Mm?

Er, this is... this is where we keep the cereal

cos I assume you're going to spend the night? Hey? Hey?

You randy wee bugger! You know...

You're just... Erm...

Here is a single light bulb...

..cos, erm, you know, if the lights do go out,

you don't want to be rummaging around in the dark, you know, so...

You know where it is, it's in there, in the single light bulb cupboard.

Orange... Orange squash is...

That is a bin.

And, er...

Might be a little bit of a weird place to keep a bin,

I'm sure you're thinking,

until you consider...

- ..mice. Yeah? - Mm.

Er, I am yet to see a mouse that's, er, able to open a cupboard,

especially one at this ridiculous height!

I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm giving you a tour of the cupboards.

What was it you said you wanted again, Kay?

Orange squash.

Orange squash! Yes!

That was it! Hold on!

No, I...I moved it over there, so we're good.

Just orange...orange squash...

Orange squash, orange squash...

Oh, mate, I think we're out of orange squash.

Would you like a water?

Water would be fine.

Great!

I'm just going to give Jared a quick ring.

No!

No. No, no.

Erm...

Because I...

Benito...

How serious are you about Jared?

I mean, I like him.

He's... He's funny, he's, erm...

- He's charismatic. - He is. He is very charismatic.

Yeah. And he...he smells incredible.

Look, Benito, word to the wise -

if you want a meaningful romantic future with...

..Jared...

..don't be calling him all the time.

Yes! Don't be too available.

You know, it's giving...

..desperate.

Yeah, we see guys come and go all the time.

Ohhh! So, you two are...together?

- Yeah. - No!

- No. - Yes and no.

- Yeah. - Mostly no. - Half and half, really.

But, er, that's not the point. What's the point?

The point is, Steve doesn't like guys calling him a lot.

Mm-hm.

Who's Steve?

Steve is what we call Jared because...

Mm-hm. Yeah, we-we call him that because he once had a short stint -

very embarrassing for him - at the Jobcentre.

You know, cos Jobs.

- Steve Jobs, so Steve. - Yeah.

We are a very witty and fun friendship group.

Yeah.

I think I might just go get changed.

I suddenly feel aware that I'm not wearing any trousers.

THEY LAUGH LOUDLY

Yeah! Now, see, see, now I'm aware

that you're not wearing any trousers.

Oh! Ooh! Don't let me see it! Don't let me see it!

KAY LAUGHS

Ooh! Ooh-hoo!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Erm...

Your battery's low, so I'm going to charge it whilst you get changed,

my friend, Benito. OK?

Erm... Ideally you should never let it go below 20%

and never charge it over 80%.

We need to leave, now!

- When he comes back, we need to jump him! - What?!

Yeah, because Steve's going to come through that door any minute

and we can't handle two of them!

This guy's not even involved!

We don't know that!

This is a mess. We should just go.

If we go, he's going to tell Steve we're here

and then Steve will vanish into a puff of smoke!

We are here now. The only way out is through.

But...

Kay, when Benito comes back, you just keep him talking.

I will do the rest.

- You talk... - Talk.

- ..I'll do the rest. - Yeah.

- Just talk. - Just...

- Just talk! - Ahh...

That's better.

Hey!

- Ooh! - Ooh! Mustard suits you!

Hey, Dijon!

I'm going to go to the kitchen... Get another drink...

Oh!

This is nice. Mm-mm.

Yep, mm-hm.

Yeah.

Er, Benito, tell me, what do you do when you're not...

..doing this?

I'm an artist.

Oh, really?

Well, I mean, I do online marketing for a B2B recruitment agency,

but art is my passion.

Oh, that's fascinating. I love art.

- Oh, yeah? - You know when...

You know...when you look at pictures and it's not what it seems at first?

You know, you look at it and you go, "Uh?"

You mean abstract expressionism?

Magic Eye.

So, tell me more about...

..y-your work.

Ah, well, my background is in textile design...

- Mm-hm. - ..and I've always painted, but then, well, by chance, really,

because I had a, erm...

- Mm. - ..a Wowcher, I did a night class in ceramics

- and something just clicked for me. - KAY SCREECHES

I started making decorative ornamental teacups

with a playful, erotic edge, which I see as political with a small P.

KAY GASPS

What are you doing?

Hmm? Hmm?

This your...

Do you want an omelette?

You know, it's just rude of me.

I just realised you're a guest in my home and I haven't...

..I haven't offered you an omelette.

- Are you...? - I'm good. I'm about to eat a Chinese, so...

Oh, no? OK, well, your loss!

My omelettes are banging.

Yeah...

More recently, I've been smashing the teacups, burying the bits

and selling the co-ordinates as an NFT.

Yeah, absolutely. That's... What...?

Do you like hugs?

- Sorry? - Oh... - Do you like hugs?

I'm a hugger.

Everyone who comes into my home gets one.

Come on! Bring it in!

We all love a hug!

- OK. - Come on!

Aww...

I read somewhere that hugging, it really calms the...

- Grab his legs! - What?!

- Grab his legs! - What are you doing?! Are you crazy?!

- No, no, no! - I've broken cover!

I'm wrestling a man!

SCREAMING

HE WHIMPERS

- Oh... - Oh, my God.

He's unconscious!

Oh, phew. Well, problem solved.

No. No, Dom. Problem activated.

He's unconscious! That's a head trauma!

He needs medical attention!

Well, I mean, he's breathing and he's got a pulse.

I'm not a doctor, but how's that any different from being asleep?

OK, Dom...

Dom, this man is an innocent bystander, OK?

A ceramicist.

This has totally gotten out of hand.

This, this right here, is why we should never should have been here

in the first place!

Help me get him on the sofa.

Dom, are you even listening to me?

What?

I don't have time to debate this shit with you, all right?!

Steve could be here any minute! Where are you going?!

For a wee!

Is that all right with you?!

You know stress excites my bladder!

Just...hurry up!

Jeez!

Sorry, mate.

Round and round...the bunny ears...

Tight...

PHONE CHIMES

Shit! Shit!

Erm, erm, Steve's on his way back, he just sent a text.

Right, erm, get on your haunches and...and watch the door.

What are haunches?!

Have you never used a toilet in rural France? Just crouch!

Jeez...

- OK. - Is that a Taser?

- Yes. - I know you haven't done the course on how to deploy that.

Hey, I watched most of a YouTube video at double speed

when you were in band practice, OK?

A guy in Texas zapped a watermelon, it was fine, all right?

So, it can't fail. And if it does, you just grab him.

You just said it can't fail!

It can't fail! IF it does, you grab him!

Watch the door!

At least when you deploy it, shout, "Taser, Taser!"

Will you stop telling me what to do?

- I'm not telling you what to do. - You are! - It's a suggestion.

You're holding a weapon that could hurt me,

- so it's for my safety as well as yours. - Oh, my God...

- I have masterminded this entire thing on my own... - Yeah.

- All right? - Ho-ho-hooo!

- All you have done is moan, just... - No. - ..myeh, myeh, myeh. - Oh, OK...

You know what? This is Clinton's dead finger all over again.

Me cutting it off and you crying in the corner, doing nothing.

This whole thing is a metaphor for Clinton's dead finger!

- What are you doing? - My haunches are aching, so I'm going on my knees.

You can't pounce from your knees!

- Well, I'm going on the beanbag. - Don't you sit on that beanbag!

- Nngh! - I've seen you on a beanbag,

it takes you ten minutes to get back up!

Look, I'm not going to be able to do anything, let alone pounce,

if I'm in a constant state of cramp!

No, that's it. I'm going to...

Shhh-ania Twain.

- Dom... - Yeah, just shh!

He's listening.

SHE MOUTHS

Take it!

No, I'm not doing it.

Kay, stop going on about your haunches and watch the door!

SHE MOUTHS

- What, now? - Go!

HE BREATHES SHAKILY

HE GASPS

HE GASPS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

OK... OK... OK...

OK... OK... OK...

HE WHIMPERS

HE GASPS

OK... OK...

It was just a T-shirt.

OK... Oh...

HE GASPS

HE GASPS

Yargh!

Ah, you're really strong...

Argh! Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I didn't shout, "Taser, Taser!"

It's fi... It's fine. I'm not judging you. Thank you. Thank you.

BEEPING

Oh... That's the motion sensor.

It's Steve!

Steve?!

I'm so sorry, Benito!

Haunches!

Aaaargh!

Oh, God, Alasdair!

Wha...

You are in deep caca.

Apprehend them.

No, no, no. I have a frying pan.

How did you know we were...?

You?

Judas.

OK, is that absolutely necessary?

'Fraid so.

MUFFLED SCREAM