Original subtitles

It's me - Crabs.

You're meant to say the password.

Pimp...life.

Come on, then.

You got here fast.

I-I saw my cousin in Tesco, so he gave me a lift up here.

No-one's supposed to know I'm here.

My cousin doesn't know ya.

Plus, she's got a dodgy left eye...

Shut up! Where's my change?

Er, there wasn't any.

It cost exactly 20 quid?

Y-Yeah.

- OK, thanks, bye. - Wait there.

What the hell is this?

I told you Pot Noodle, cooked chicken,

20 Marlboro Reds.

You bought me frozen prawns...

..butternut squash...

..and a pack of Top Trumps.

Er, that's all they had.

Did you nick these and keep the money?

CHOKING LAUGH

Ah, no!

I mean, I mean, you can check me if you want!

You spent it, didn't you?

Did you go to the funfair?

No!

Where did you get your face painted, then?

Well, why can't I talk to her?

She's not in, she's at jazz tap.

Bullshit, that's on Wednesdays.

They moved it cos it clashes with Gymtastic.

- All right, I'll talk to her later, then. - We're going to my mum's.

- Tomorrow. - No, look! Tevin, I don't want you calling here any more.

- What are you talking about? - You should hand yourself in.

And if I did...

If I do, are you going to bring Jayden inside to see me?

I've gotta go.

CALL DISCONNECTS

T'Nisha?

PHONE LINE ENDS

T'Nisha?

Pimp...life.

Oh! Whoa, this is loads!

What's the order for tomorrow?

There is no order for tomorrow.

I'm done.

I'm going home.

Oh, fuuuuu...

I'd just really like to get into some casework,

and I'm stuck in archives.

- After-work drinks tonight. - Nice to meet you.

..uuuuuuu....

Cheers. There is a file I need to have.

Security plans for the Notting Hill Carnival.

- Give me the file, Dom. - He just gave Steve the document.

..uuuuuuuuck!

Oh...he wasn't a...

And they were working to...

- Oh, my God. This isn't happening. - OK, Dom. - This isn't happening.

- OK, Dom. - Shit, shit, shit... - I want you to focus on your breath.

- So, breathe with me. Breathe in... - ..shit, shit, shit!

I can't believe Steve played me!

- I'm going to kill him! - ..and out.

- I-I-I'm going to grab his bollocks. - And in...

I'm going to squeeze them until they're...jams!

OK, this isn't working.

PHONE CHIMES

Huh?

- Oh, my God. - What?

£15,000 has just been put into my account...

..from Steve.

Oh, silver linings.

No.

Not silver linings, Kay.

He's trying to make me look like an accomplice!

- Yeah, we should get off the street. - I didn't accomplice!

- I know you didn't. - There was no accomplicin'!

40 years, Kay.

That's how long double agents get.

They're not going to believe you're working as a double agent, surely.

Are you joking? They didn't even believe me when

Sam's tuna salad went missing from the fridge.

I thought that was you.

Yeah, well, he called me Dombo, and it felt racial, OK?

That's not the point.

I still think the best thing for you to do is to own up

- to what you did fast. - Mm...

Er, excuse me, hello?

Can I remind you that it's not just up to you,

I'm in this, too, since you put the file in my bag,

I'm the one who smuggled it out.

We can sort this.

- What do you mean? - Yeah.

We can make this like it never happened.

Remember what we did for Brightmarsh?

HE SCOFFS

They never saw us coming.

We can do this, Kay. I will send back the 10k...

- The 15k. - I will send back the 15k

and we will fight this Steve guy.

- Oh, I dunno. - And you know what?

I happen to think that agents probably have oopsies

like this all the time, right?

Oopsie? Oopsie?

Dom, this could be serious, really serious.

I mean, I doubt Steve took the security plans for Carnival

to check parking arrangements.

I know people going. I'm playing there with my band!

Really? Do you think you guys are good enough to play in public yet?

- Dom! - Oh, sh...

Mm.

Look, Kay, even if they do believe us -

which they won't - and we don't go to prison -

which we will -

we will definitely be fired.

There are people in that place who are just waiting for us to fuck up,

that call us diversity hires.

And you've seen them in the canteen, Kay, peering over

their Spectator magazines.

We can't go back to PCSO-ing a-and dog shit bins, right?

We can't go back.

OK, look, I'm sorry that I put the file in your bag,

I shouldn't have done that.

Just give us 24 hours.

24 hours to find Steve.

And if we get nowhere, then we'll come clean.

Come on.

Team Day, what do you say?

- OK. - Yes! - OK, OK.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, God, your hands are really clammy, dude.

Sorry, I'm just nervous.

Hello?

CAT YOWLS

Mr Darcy?

OK, I'm not playing hide-and-seek with you today, all right?

I've had a long day.

Come on, pss-pss-pss...

Oh, fuck that cat.

MUFFLED SCREAM

Say another word and you're dead.

You ruined my life, you know that?

We had a good thing going on Brightmarsh,

till you lot came along.

You got any last words?

Er...please don't kill me?

GUN COCKS

Bit shit.

No, no, no, no, no! What if I could help you?

I work for MI5 now and...

..and I'm putting my arse on the line just telling you that, really,

because they're really secretive about that sort of thing...

Bullshit you work for MI5!

No, I do, check my ID, it's in my back pocket, see?

Right there.

Oh, God.

- Man. - Just...

Yeah, you gotta get right in there.

- It's just at the bottom. - Yeah, I know, I know, it's...

It's a bit of a tight pocket. Got it?

This don't say MI5.

No, it doesn't, to be fair, cos they are really secretive.

But it does say Thames House. Check that, Google it, Google it,

Thames House.

See, I work in the archives department,

and they have everything down there, you know, what if I was to call up

your record and just hit delete?

You know, criminal charges, warrants, late library books -

just gone.

A...fresh start, you know?

I swear, if you're lying about this...

I'm not! I'm not, I'm not!

Look, give me 24 hours, I swear that I...

Actually, could you give me 48 hours?

Cos I have a...another thing.

You've got 24 hours.

I did walk into that.

OK, sure, yeah.

Bye, Tevin.

It's been so long, I really missed you.

QUIET SOBS

You can't send it back.

What do you mean you can't send it back?

- I'm sorry, madam, the account details aren't recognised. - Dom?

- There is one possibility... - Dom?

It could be that the account's been closed.

OK, I've been in the queue for 45 minutes,

and this is what you've got to tell me?

Why can't you just like send a traveller's cheque or something?

- Dom! - What?!

- Julie's 60th. - Yeah, I can't make it.

- No, you've already said you're coming. - OK, fine.

- I'm making a playlist for it. - Sounds great, Dad.

Asking everyone to contribute a track.

Erm, Gold Digger by Kanye.

Mm, Gold Digger.

Bye.

Alexa, play Gold Digger.

Playing Gold Digger by Kanye West.

- Morning, Kay. - Ohh!

Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there, Mo.

You lied.

METAL WAND WHINES

You said the third Percy Jackson book was the best,

the fourth is even better.

Yeah...

Yeah, you know, you got... you gotta love a labyrinth.

Oh, it's the lift, bye.

Dominique?

- Oh, Ma'am. - I'm glad I've caught you.

Caught me?

Er, I-I-I-I didn't do anything, I swear.

I've been reflecting on our conversation.

You're right, I think you've served your apprenticeship.

As of September, you'll begin training for field work.

RELIEVED CHUCKLING

Oh...field work!

Right, yeah, thank you.

Good luck.

SHE SIGHS

And don't let me down.

I won't, Mum.

Er, I mean, Ma'am. Ma'am.

I won't let you down...Ma'am.

Erm, Graham? I...

BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY

Mm-hm, so I wondered if I could just...

OK, still going. Yeah, sure, I'll wait.

Oh, sorry, it's the fungal spores down here,

it kicks off my histamines.

SNIFFS LOUDLY

What's up?

Yeah, so, erm, random question...

..have you ever got a friend's criminal record deleted?

Why on earth would you ask me that?

I...

..just w-wanted to understand the perks of the job.

Perks of the job?

It's the secret service, Dom, not JD Sports.

Yeah, just...

SHE LAUGHS

I was winding you up.

It was a wind-up, gotcha!

LAUGHTER TURNS DESPERATE

Just...I said the thing and you got it, you fell for it.

It was just...

# A bit of office bants. #

It was just, you know, that's how we do.

- Kay? - Whoa!

Jeez, Kay, relax. My God, you look awful.

Did you have one of your all-night prayer meetings again?

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't have my Coco Pops in the morning.

Kay, just relax, nobody knows anything,

and nobody's going to know as long as you keep your shit together.

Now, listen, I do have another problem, so be chill.

Er...Tevin is back.

What?!

A so... A delicious coffee!

Such...such a smooth finish.

He was on my street yesterday and he pulled a gun on me.

Oh, my gosh!

I'm so sorry, it must be the way they roast the beans,

those Kenyan farmers!

Gotta love the Kenyans and their excellent coffee.

So...

Should I go into hiding?

What if he turns up at my flat? Or my old place?

Oh, my gosh, Elder Bunmi.

You know, he actually didn't mention you at all.

What? What, like, nothing? Like, not mentioned at all?

It's a good thing if a gun-toting maniac doesn't remember you, Kay.

No, yeah, it's just...

I just thought I made an impression there.

Anyway, I kind of told him that I could wipe his record.

Why'd you say that?!

Because I had to come up with something so my brains weren't

splattered all over the street.

I live in De Beauvoir, Kay.

Do you know what kind of gossip that would cause?

Dead in De Beauvoir - it sounds like an Agatha Christie novel.

Oh, what if you...?

Just...

..tell him you wiped it.

Yeah, just, woo, just tell him you wiped it.

And then, by the time he finds out the truth,

the police have got him.

That's actually a really good idea.

- Yeah. You know what else is a good idea? - What?

Coming clean about the file.

24 hours, you agreed.

S-So, what we going to do? Where would we start?

I have an idea.

CHUCKLES CONFIDENTLY

Oh! Oh, that's rank.

Kenyan farming is trash.

The facial recognition suite.

Remember, they showed it to us in orientation.

If you've got any image of someone,

you can cross reference it with every database,

every sighting on CCTV...

No, Dom, do you know how many levels of clearance you need

to use that place?

Yeah, we'll figure that out.

Mm, hold the doors, please.

Oh, Kay. Oh, I've been looking for you, there you are.

Now, er, why did you print this?

I, er...I didn't.

Oh.

Well, the log says that you did.

The log.

Of course, there's a log, Dom.

Aha! Because it's, er, MI5.

Yeah, erm, that was me.

Er, my computer was updating, so I used Kay's.

ELEVATOR BEEPS

Oh!

- CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY - Don't you work in the basement?

I do, yeah, er, I was just thinking of taking the stairs, you know,

beat the mid-morning slump.

- And where are you going? - Oh, I've gotta reach my step goal.

That was too close.

It was fine, he bought it. I'm an excellent liar.

Remember when I told you mauve was your colour?

- That was a lie? - Mauve is nobody's colour, Kay.

But there's a hole in your plan, by the way.

We haven't got an image of Steve or his little helper.

No.

But I know where we can get one.

Dear God, as me and Dom walk into this pub,

no evil shall fall before us.

- We will... - Are you praying right now?

Someone from my church once walked into a pub to use a toilet.

Do you know what he is now?

SHE SIGHS

An alcoholic?

Anglican.

Just come in, man!

You were in here yesterday and God didn't smite you. Jeez.

- What's up? - They said there's no CCTV here.

They said the cameras are fake.

Tight bastards.

Well, I guess that's why spies like this place.

We can dish it, but we can't take it.

Why can't good things ever happen for me?

I mean, why can't good things...

..happen for Dom?

Dom, I've got an idea.

Let's do a re-enactment.

- A what? - Yeah, come on, it might help you jog your memory.

OK, I play you, and you play Steve.

Why can't I just play myself?

Seriously?

Do you know I exposed a government conspiracy?

OK, are you doing me, or just all black women?

SIGHS HEAVILY

Hi, I'm Steve.

Er, weird, I don't remember askin'.

I find you very funny, and that is charming in a girl.

Are you new here?

Newish, been here nine months, work in archives

but I've been grossly undervalued. What about you?

Well, I've, er, worked on the ninth floor

for 12 years in technical operations.

I've been doing a fair bit of work with the IRA recently...

Shit! I've just remembered something.

And scene.

He said he was working with the IRA,

and he had a smirk on his face when he said it.

I can't think what the IRA's beef would be with

- the Notting Hill Carnival. - Er, unless it's like...

Oi, Jamaicans, Guinness is our drink!

Use some other dark liquor to put your punch in!

No. What else do you remember?

Well, we were bitching about Graham, you know, and...

Boiled eggs.

You know, he gave me his number.

He left me a voicemail.

Erm...

Yeah, err, this meeting's run over,

so I'm not sure if I'll get back to the office in time.

Maybe just meet me in the pub?

Jesus sees us, Jesus frees us!

Play it again, the last bit, a-and turn it up.

..maybe just meet me in the pub?

Jesus sees us! Jesus frees us!

That's Evangelist Ezekiel.

"Jesus sees us, Jesus frees us" - that's his catchphrase!

And a blooming good one, too, and I don't normally swear.

He preaches in the same spot in Harlesden, rain or shine,

I go past him every day.

Oh, my God, Kay, you are a flippin' genius!

Oh, well, mm-mm, don't... But thank you.

So, we know where Steve was at eight minutes past five yesterday.

SHE LAUGHS

Drink up.

No, Dom, this is a hot chocolate.

- Oh! Let's go! - It's a hot ch...

Oh, oh...

Mm!

I burnt my tongue!

I burnt my tongue, I burnt my tongue.

- Come on! - Dom, stop walking fast.

- My tongue hurts. - OK, so we go to Harlesden,

there's bound to be CCTV cameras there, right?

And if we can just get one good image of Steve, then, bang,

job's done, nobody needs to know that we handed over state secrets

- to a possible terrorist. - Evenin'.

- Oh! - Oh! Whoa, whoa!

Hey, Tevin.

How did you know that we were here?

I followed you from work to make sure your story checked out.

Well, now you know that it does, you know you can have confidence

in the things that we say.

She's a straight shooter.

- Did this one always have a lisp? - Oh, he remembers me!

Shut up!

Is it done?

I owe a lot of people a lot of favours now, cos of you.

Erm, maybe wait a few weeks, you know, for it to

trickle through the system.

But, yes, yes, it is done.

Your record is clean, fresh start.

Don't waste it - or do, you know, I don't care!

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Choice is yours.

Point is, you're free, and my job is done.

What she said.

I appreciate this.

RELIEVED SIGHS LABOURED BREATHING

Well, he... Who pops out from a corner?

Like, who does that? Who does that?

- MICROPHONE FEEDBACK WHINES - People of Harlesden!

In this time of hustle and bustle,

and austerity and pandemic, and crisis,

I have good news for you.

There is a man that loves you,

a man that has walked like you did

in his own hustle and bustle,

and experienced his own crisis and pan...

Well, they didn't use the term "pandemic" back then,

but leprosy was a very big deal,

and he was all over that!

And do you know who that man is?

- Jesus! - Yes!

- Jesus sees us. - Yes.

Jesus frees us.

- This man's a poet! - Yeah. Salvation on your own time, Kay,

we're here to look at CCTV, come on.

Yea, though you walk...

Oh, what about in there?

The Rope and Anchor - we know Steve likes a pub.

Yeah, I don't really want to go in there and ask questions,

that looks like a racist pub.

Oh, really?

Just because it's got a St George's flag in its window?

You know, that's a very lazy generalisation.

Yeah, no, that's a racist pub.

Which is maybe why Steve was here!

Oh, oh, camera! Up there, there.

Aha! And you know that's live

because newsagents don't play about their security. Come on.

That's bound to have picked him up.

Now, let me do the talking.

I wanted 20 bottles of Rabid energy drink,

you sent me 20 boxes.

Oh, right, OK, my bad, but please, you gotta take them back.

Oh, come on, Sanjeev, I've been buying from you for 15 years.

We went to Eurocamp together, does that mean nothing?

Sanjeev?

Bastard.

Hello, sir, are you the owner of this establishment?

Could be, who's asking?

Yeah, I am DI Taylor, this is DC Swift.

We would like to take a look at your camera footage from yesterday

outside your shop, we are trying to identify a suspect.

- I'll need to load the footage. - Uh-huh.

Look, why didn't you tell him we were MI5?

Because A, you don't tell people you're MI5,

and B, we're not meant to be doing this.

What time do you want to see?

Er, 5pm, maybe a little later?

OK, no problem.

Oh, erm, sorry, sir, I think you've got a customer,

do you want to just...

You can just go in front of me, I'm...not buying anything.

- Fill the fucking bag. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hurry up! Cash from the till, come on.

All right, all right, all right.

Shit.

And, er, stick some of the vapes in there, yeah?

No, no, no, the mango ones!

Ahem!

Erm, look, these, remember these? Nerds?

Oh, my God, I used to be addicted!

Come on, I'm not fucking about!

Stick some mini vodkas in there.

Come on!

Three times in the last month you've been in here.

- You think I'm your ATM? - No, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, guess what, bastard? This time, you messed up...

..because these two are police.

Arrest him, officers!

Yeah, this is awkward, er...

We are police detectives,

but we don't really do this sort of stuff.

You know, we're more white-collar crime, you know,

financial misconduct, false accounting,

bankers piddling with interest rates.

We're getting on for being ombudsmen, really, aren't we?

Yeah, right, right.

Now my concern with, er, getting in the middle of all this

is that I would be stepping on the toes of a fellow colleague,

and we know the police - cliquey!

Oh!

Ooh.

Argh!

Bastard!

Good work. DI Taylor.

- I'm DC Swift. - DC Swift, good...good work, sir.

So, that was obviously a diversionary tactic.

- Yeah, so I could... - Just, yeah. - You know?

- Yeah, he could... - Ah!

Just...a thing we do.

What was that? Oh, Charlie Oscar, yeah, er,

- suspect is fleeing west down Harlesden high street. - Cshk!

Er, er, then east on, er, Turnpike Lane.

- Er, have... - Beep, beep, boo.

- You're not police. - No.

No. No, no, we are not.

Er, would you believe if I now told you that we were MI5?

No? That ship's sailed? Fine.

- No. - No, OK.

Well, OK, so we're not police, but we did stop that guy

from robbing you, and we really need to look at the CCTV just for

a minute, like, please, please, we'll do anything,

come on, Boss...man.

Dom, can you just move a bit quicker, please?

I'm taking a break.

You can breathe when you put it down, come on, keep going,

- keep going. - I'm out of breath! - Keep going, keep going.

- Oh! - Oh...

What are we going to do with 20 boxes of energy drinks?

You know, I'll take half, and you take the other half.

Or, better still, you just give me a tenner and you can take the lot.

No, I'm not taking any! I've got a thing.

Well, if the thing is band practice, you know, the guys need energy

because steel drums are really dull.

- I'll take one box. - Fine.

Well, the point is, we got what we came here for anyway.

Steve, we are coming for you.

Yeah, it's OK, you just sit there, mate,

don't bother helping me, even though I tipped you.

You know, a lot of people are scared to speak out against you lot

because they're afraid of what it'll do to their rating?

Well, you've seen my rating.

I fear nothing.

- Can I help you? - Yeah, I need to hand something in.

The knife amnesty box is around the corner.

Oh, no, no, it's my, er, old uniform.

I used to be a PCSO.

Fit like a glove.

The uniform, I mean.

But the job did, too.

Right.

You need to let go.

I know.

You're right, but it's...

It's just such a huge chapter of my life, you know? It was...

I mean, of the uniform.

Oh. Right.

Right, yeah, sorry.

HE STRAINS QUIETLY

Hey, let it go, let it go.

There you go.

Back up, back up.

- Yep. - Back up.

Good, good, good.

It's...dry cleaned.

Don't...

That'll be her now.

- Dom?! - Hey!

I'm just carrying several hundred bottles of energy drink

up the stairs!

I thought they'd be good for Julie's party, so you're welcome!

Just bank transfer me 150 quid...

Actually, you know what, I prefer cash, thanks!

We're in the living room, Dom, come down!

Yeah, OK, don't offer to help me, will you?

I mean, what happened to chivalry?

Dominique!

Your boyfriend is here!

HE CHUCKLES CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER

Now, more tea?

Let me top you up.

Yeah, this is, er, in 2002, Majorca.

She would not take that Harry Potter cloak off. God.

Oh, hi, Dom.

Hello, beautiful.

How was your day?

EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

THEME CONTINUES ON TV

I'll just turn this down.

Mm.