Original subtitles

Presenters Yuen Kam-Lun, Norman Cheung Sek-Gui

Producer Yuen Kam-Lun Executive Producer Wong Siu-Ming

Planning Rico Chu Tak-On Production Manager Lee Wah

Screenplay Ho Tung Associate Production Manager Law Sau Wai

Director of Photography Eric Chu Kwok Fai

Art Direction David Lo Kin-Ming Joey Wong Styling Kenneth Yee Chung Man

Action Directors: Poon Kin Kwan, Benz Kong To-hoi, Steve Mak Fei-hung

Car Stunts: Bruce Law Lai Yin, Bruce Law Stunts Unlimited

Assistant Director Michelle Wong Yuk-Ting, Paco Yiu Fung-Suen

Editor Cheung Bei-Tak Special Effects Stephen Ma Man-Yin

BELOVED FATHER BELOVED MOTHER

Music Philip Chan Fei Lit Theme Song "Tian Di You You"

Starring Lam Ching Ying, Joey Wong, Shing Fui-On

Anthony Wong, Gabriel Wong Yat-San, Rico Chu Tak-On

Director Wilson Yip Shing Hong

You can't escape my Supernatural Fan!

Stab!

Shoot.

Little Turtle, stop pretending to be asleep.

Come here.

What is it, sifu?

You didn't think to mention that a poisonous snake was in my pants?

Are you trying to test me?

Sifu, why would I bother you with something so simple?

Now that would be insulting!

If only you were half as smart as your excuses.

Well, then you better teach me more moves, Sifu.

Pack up, and let's get on the road.

Such a chatterbox.

Sifu, snake! Help!

Sifu! Help!

An Eternal Combat

Wait, sifu, let me finish!

You've finally returned to me.

Darling, now you're mine forever.

What demon are you?

Sifu, sifu...

You've got the upper hand, let's give chase!

Demon, I have underestimated you.

Reassess if you've underestimated.

Why are you just standing around like a dummy?

My Lord, what do you think?

What do I think? How the hell do I know?

Six more dead!

Boy do I wish I was one of you.

This is all your fault!

Why are you standing here?

You...you are?

Lord Ma!

Your servant greets Lord Ma.

Quit the yammering, and lower your hands!

Yes, sir.

-Are you trying to get fired? -Have mercy, my lord!

Have mercy!

There's a demon out there, and you're in here playing with corpses?

No, I was--

No? What?

Who said you could speak?

Please continue, my lord.

Listen up!

You have seven days to bring me that Japanese Demon King!

Or get a noose fitted and hang yourself!

Which is to say, you should hang yourself in eight days.

What.. . what? Hang myself”? No, please!

May I drink arsenic instead?

His Majesty's decree has arrived!

(Stuttering) His Majesty, the Son of Heaven, appoints

Ma Sheung-fung a Royal Official.

He loves his people as if they were his own sons, has been recognised.

He is hereby promoted three ranks,

to be a first rank official.

We're saved, my lord!

Long Live His Majesty!

(Stuttering) What's the rush?

(Stuttering) I'm not finished reading.

-Yes. -We

(Stuttering) We...

We... what?

My lord, you have it upside down.

You don't think I know that?

If you're so smart, you read it!

-May I not read it, sir? -No!

-I really must read? -and quickly too!

Yes.

We have heard that the Demon King is in your county

terrorizing the peasants, murdering without blinking.

We order you, Official Ma, to capture and contain this demon.

We give you seven days, no extensions.

Here ends the royal proclamation.

Here ends the royal proclamation!

What if we had an extra day or two?

(Stuttering) Of course...

Not!

(Stuttering) You better get a noose fitted for yourself on the eighth day!

I, Ma Sheung-fung, have been an official for many years.

And though I have no big contributions, I have also never done anything bad.

Why is disaster striking me now?

My five darling wives, I know you're unable to help me.

(Wives enumerated, nameless) If you could have helped me,

you would have helped long ago, right?

My darling wives, please drink with me.

Papa, papa!

You said you'd buy me new clothes!

Papa, you said you'd get me new shoes!

Buy me toys!

Shut up! Don't you know your Father is in trouble?

My lord, no need to worry!

Your servant has heard that 10 miles from here,

a learned man, a dragon among pigs, lives in a hut.

He's a master of the supernatural, his skills are boundless.

My lord, let's visit him in person.

Why didn't you say anything earlier?

It's your fault I've been drinking alone!

Hey, could it be any farther? I'm so fucking tired. Aren't you tired?

My lord, you're just out of practice. We're almost there.

Are we there yet?

Just the mountain across the way.

-Then start walking! -Yes, yes.

Are you crazy? You call this a hut?

I'm guessing this is it.

If it isn't, you're screwed!

Advisor, how could someone live in this hut?

I'd say it's a toilet!

My lord, my lord!

The Cho Lo Residence.

-What is it? -I'm sure this is not a toilet

-You sniffed around? -It's written here, see?

Go to hell!

You know I'm illiterate!

You motherfucker, thankfully no one heard that.

Go announce my arrival!

Alright, I will.

You probably kicked open my hernia.

-Hurry up and announce! -Yes!

The Royal Guard of the First Rank, Ma Sheung-fung!

Lord Ma has arrived!

Hey, when did I get that extra title?

It's trendy to exaggerate.

Yeah?

Here is, the governor of two provinces,

Exaggerate?

How did that happen?

My lord, this is the power of illusion.

-Illusion? -illusion!

Hey, Advisor, quit horsing around. Let's get out of here.

My lord, this is also magic.

Fuck.

What should we do, sir?

Forward, what else?

Come, let's go together!

I was wondering what fell in,

but it turns out its two wet dogs?

-Why you... -Fuck you!

On shore you look more like wet chickens.

You little shit, how dare you insult us! Beat him up!

Yes!

You motherfucker, who is the boss here?

-You are. -You want to beat me up?

You can boast about it.

You pocket-sized twerp,

-Bring it! - How are you!

-Where can you go? -Little Turtle, behave!

Sir, it's Cho Lo, the Tao Master.

Sifu.

Please forgive me for the welcome, my lord.

It is an honor for us that you have travelled so far.

Sifu.

Please have some tea.

Bring another cup immediately.

Sifu, no one ever visits us.

We only had the two cups.

In that case, let's share, Lord Ma.

Lord, is the tea not to your liking?

You old weasel, how dare you try to fool me with your illusions!

How dare you take me for a fool just because I'm polite!

I better stay back.

This style is called Horizontal Sweep of a Thousand Troops.

My lord, show him Dividing the Mountain.

My lord, what about Through the Roof?

Amazing! Show him your One Armed Coolie as well!

Nonsense, can't you tell that old man is frozen stiff with fear?

Take the guandao.

Fear?

My sifu is just embarrassed for you!

Let me show you some real stuff.

Broaden your horizons.

Advisor, what is this dangly weapon?

Some sort of rope dart, but not very lethal.

You're as ignorant as you look.

This is a dart javelin.

Your javelin seems awfully soft.

Sifu, could I borrow some Magic Water?

Be frugal, it's hard to make.

Sure will!

Rope Dart? Beat this!

Poke, poke.

It's real!

It sure is!

It's really hard.

My lord, if you rubbed it on your thing, imagine how hard it would get!

-Where? -Where you dangle.

-Give it back to me! -Go to hell!

You fucking shortcake, I'll crush you!

Sifu

You think just because you look big that I'll be scared?

My lord, it's not that they've gotten bigger.

You've gotten smaller!

This isn't an illusion.

Let's see who gets crushed now!

Die!

Little Turtle!

Behave.

Go inside.

Please rise.

You really are a learned man. I am convinced.

My lord, you're flattering me.

-This way please. -You first, please.

The true purpose of my visit Is to ask you for a favor.

His Majesty--

My lord has proven his dedication,

I'll do whatever I can to help.

-But I have one condition. -I'll do anything!

Will you sacrifice

Sacrifice what? My body?

The condition is your life.

My life...

After you die, I will transform you into a gold-plated statue.

Because you are a high-ranking official with protection from the Son of Heaven,

The Demon King cannot harm you.

Together with my student, you will be my guards.

This is the only way to eradicate the Demon King.

Hey, you're only a Taoist Priest. You're not a pharmacist.

Don't think I'm bullshitting. Even if you're willing to die, I have to help you.

You must keep your entire corpse. Otherwise your spirit and body will be separated.

Think it over.

You want my life? I'd be crazy to listen to you!

Then consider me willing but unable to help. Goodbye.

Nonsense...

-Advisor, let's go. -Yes, sir!

This isn't only Magic Water,

it's Sacred Water!

Even if it's improper,

I have to move you.

Come get your Mother's spirit tablet.

Got it!

- I want this one! -Your Mother had a mole.

-That's not your Mother! -Give it back to me!

I like this one!

You kids are so annoying! They're all mothers, just take one.

Your mother, your mother.

Yours.

Dad I have to pee.

God you kids are annoying.

I'm so tired, I'm so hungry!

What's all this ruckus!

I'm sleepy...

We'll never get out of here at this rate.

Alright, let's take a break.

I'm so hungry!

Eat some bananas.

Bananas!

What's a day without a woman?

And with the future looking so bleak...

Let's put this water to good use.

Stay put while I go get something to eat, got it?

Got it!

I want the biggest one!

Give it to me!

Mister!

Come get a drink, rest awhile!

One, two, three, four.

Four, three, two, one.

There are five of us, and four bananas.

How should we share them?

Easy. She's the youngest and always pees herself.

Let's skip her.

You're exactly the same!

You're the eldest, and always bullying us.

The way I see it, you should go without!

You don't have to fight.

Let me help you.

How?

What's taking so long?

Can we eat yet?

-Just a minute, I have to peel it. -Hurry up!

What's taking so long?

My good sir,

what's the rush?

You want five girls! It takes time.

I'm not the Emperor looking for concubines here!

Oh, it's you, Lord Ma!

What's with the costume?

What's the problem? Haven't you seen a plain-clothes officer?

Yes, of course, the five girls will be right here.

If you were anyone else... You'd be waiting forever!

Are you all ready yet?

Yes!

It'll be glorious!

A bite for you, and a bite for me.

A bite for you, and a bite for me.

A bite for you, and a bite for me.

A bite for you, and a bite for me.

A thrust for you, and a thrust for you,

and a thrust for you, and a thrust for you!

A bite for you, and a bite for me.

A bite for you, and a bite for me.

Left! Right!

A thrust for you, and a thrust for you!

Lord Ma is legendary! We're screwed!

I'm terrified! What should we do?

-You go first! -No, you go first!

Left! Right!

One, two, three, four, five.

Wasn't that fair?

Yes!

It's terrible! Terrible!

Lord Ma Sheung-fung is dead!

-Come in, come in. -Bad news! Lord Ma is dead!

Lord Ma Sheung-fung is dead!

Lord Ma Sheung-fung is dead!

Sifu!

It's as you predicted!

Ma Sheung-fung died at the brothel!

He died of over-excitement from the Magic Water.

This is a false death.

Sifu, I don't see why we're wasting so much energy on him.

He is a military officer.

He's strong and skilled, and has the emperor's protection.

He's useful. From now on, the two of you will be my Left-Right Guards.

What?

He is essential in our fight against the Demon King.

Time is running out.

He's still under the magic water's spell, let's get going.

Yes, Sifu.

You can stop looking around, Ma Sheung-fung

I'm here to tell you you died in action in the brothel.

I'm dead? You're crazy!

I am unstoppable!

You've got a screw loose! You'll die before me!

-Lord Ma, -Enough!

You're trying to fool me with illusions again?

People have been trying to scare me since I was in my mother's womb!

You don't believe me? Take a look.

How does it look, Lord Ma?

Trying to fool me?

It does look quite like me.

Looks like you? He is you!

Nonsense, then who am I?

You're the soul. What you see there is your corpse.

You don't believe us?

It won't hurt, even if I punch you!

Nothing hurts! Punches! Slaps!

Hey!

Are you crazy? How dare you beat me up like that?

Hey, what can you find out with just that?

Let me!

Front somersault!

Back somersault! Body slam!

Delightful!

Another front somersault!

And another back somersault! Crush, crush!

This is so fun!

Stomp, wiggle, stomp, wiggle...

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, for the final effort,

Are you insane? How dare you stomp me like that! I'll kill you!

So you finally believe.

I'm dead?

Now what?

I'm really dead? I don't want to be dead!

I don't want to be dead!

Help me!

Please, Taoist Priest, please save me.

You need not be sad.

This was fated.

I understand you were a good official in your life.

So I have called back your spirit.

Yes, you are now a god.

Don't you feel powerful?

Generals Gold and Silver!

Yes!

Yes...

I hereby declare you my Left-Right guards.

To work together to kill the Demon King.

I vow to always remain at your side.

Sifu, the demon is arriving.

Be careful!

Retreat!

Last one out is the loser!

Sisi!

She's a demon concubine now, idiot.

-Let's go help! -Okay!

Sifu, she's powerful!

Be careful.

Where do you think you're going?

I can't see anything! Now what?

Light the flares!

Moonlight Mirror!

Sifu, is it over?

No, he'll be back. Get into position for the ritual.

Alright!

Get into position for the Treasure Mirror Ritual.

You must not leave your position. Otherwise, the gates to Heaven will open.

At that point, it'll be beyond our control.

-Prepare! -Yes!

Yes!

Light the fire!

Firebomb!

Moonlight Mirrors!

Heaven is vast and the Earth is ash. Sun, Moon, give me your enchanted light!

Capture the demon!

Shoot!

Oh shit!

Sifu, now what?

Remain calm and stay in position!

No! Don't leave your position!

Sifu, help! What's happening?

Sifu, now what?

It's out of my hands, the gates of Heaven are open!

Demon King, why won't you die? What are you waiting for?

You're right on time.

Get down!

Hey, this isn't what the action director planned!

I planned it.

Hey, hey!

There's no escape!

Pull!

Cut!

Hey, are you kidding me?

Why didn't you warn me he was going to use a real sword?

Hey! Where's this old man from?

Where's Monkey?

Excuse me, I was just in the bathroom.

Are we ready to shoot?

You're fired!

Hey man, at this rate, I'll never make it to the other set.

Figure it out before you call me again.

Oh please!

Director, I think he stopped breathing.

Make the call then.

Call an ambulance?

Call the journalists for the publicity!

Place a camera here.

Pick the guy up, then throw him down.

While we have him, let's get a second shot!

I don't know, I think she had an appointment today.

Did you really tell Dr. Wong I called?

-Yes, she said she's in a meeting. -A meeting?

Why does she have so many meetings?

You liar, I say--

Hello?

X The Lord God brings true happiness X

X May God bless your work X

X May God bless your home K

X May God gift you true perfection X

X May God bless your hope X

X May God bless your music K

X May God bless your aspirations X

X May God bless your -- X

X May God bless your aspirations X

X May God bless your joy X

Father, what should we do?

What.. What?

Almighty God,

May you please aid your believers In exorcising these demons.

That hurts!

Run!

Demon!

You are powerless in the face of an almighty God!

It hurts!

Run! What are you waiting for?

Don't go! I haven't exorcised the demon!

Now what?

It won't open!

Are you stupid? You'll break the door!

Open it like that!

-Let's go! -Thanks!

Hey!

(What's happening?) (Are you crazy?)

Stop right there!

Huh? Iron foot?

Why are you attacking him? Are you crazy?

Freeze, freeze!

Where do you think you're going?

He's insane! Lock him up!

Who are you with? How dare you treat me like this?

-At least he's consistently insane. -Sure is.

We're the Hong Kong Royal Police!

What will you do with me?

Put you in a car!

Let's go!

Where are your manners? I demand to see the local official!

Announce my arrival!

Can you hear me?

Father, we've no idea who those two are. They're dressed funny too.

They won't open the door no matter how long I knock.

And you're still feeding them? Aren't you afraid?

Father, should we call the police?

If our Almighty God has space in his heart for demons,

who are we to disagree?

The characters are so small... Bad for my eyes.

What kind of book is this?

I don't understand a single word.

I give up.

Where are we? And where is Sifu?

I told you,

you have a screw loose somewhere.

We're in the Demon King's illusion.

At this rate, even if we don't die today, we'll die tomorrow.

You're dead already!

You're a god!

Gods inhale delicious smells, people eat delicious foods.

Why would you get hungry?

Hey little guy, you must be hungry. Eat up!

Yeah! Eat up, eat up.

It's delicious! No need to be polite! Go on, take it!

Sihing, (Senior male classmate)

Do you know why you're so short? Because you eat alone.

I told you gods inhale delicious smells.

Here, I'll let you smell it, alright?

How is it? Do you feel less hungry?

Sihing, it's not working...

Sorry, I guess I can't help.

Sihing...

I've discovered a problem.

Go on.

I feel it very very deeply in my body

it's better to be a man than a god, come!

Hey! No cheating!

You can't eat this! Just sniff it!

Big Brother, can we start playing yet?

How many times do I have to tell you,

when we play this game, call me Your Honor?

Sorry, Big Brother!

Your Honor!

I won't do it again, Big Brother!

SECRETARY, JUDGE, PROSECUTOR

DEFENSE LAWYER

Don't worry, I can help you.

What's his crime?

I heard he caused a public disturbance at the hospital.

It's a serious offense!

Earhustle, well done.

Take a sip.

Thank you, Your Honor!

I hereby charge you with

instigating unrest...

Instigating unrest! Do you plead guilty?

Silence means you're pleading guilty!

I sentence you to death! How does that sound to you?

No opinion? Really no opinion?

Execution!

DECAPITATE

I'm so sorry, I couldn't help you.

Big brother! The Demoness is here!

Mission Demon Hunting!

Pretend to be asleep!

I'm asleep.

Miss Sisi! You're alive!

How do you feel? It's nap time right now.

You're not Sisi.

You're the Demon King's concubine.

And now I am enchanted by your magic.

I have nothing to say.

Kill me if you must, there's nothing to say.

I'm not a demon's concubine. and even if I were, I wouldn't kill you.

Now, will you be a good boy and take a nice nap?

Dr. Wong!

Dr. Wong, Dr. Wong!

Your precious patients

keep taking apart my mops!

How am I supposed to do my job!?

Ma'am, I'll tell my supervisors. Just clean up their room first.

So what if you tell them... it doesn't help clean the floors.

So your name is Cho Lo!

You're such a brave warrior!

Take a sip!

From now on, we're brothers.

Yeah! Good brothers!

Let's form a blood alliance when we have a spare moment.

What era are we in?

Who are you people?

Let me answer your first question.

-It's now... -1991.

It's 1991!

So six more years before we emigrate!

And now, for the second question.

You and I are the same kind of people.

But the crazy people outside say we're insane!

Who's the emperor now?

Jiang...

Jiang Zemin!

Jiang Zemin?

Not Li Shimin?

Simon Li?

He's been dead for a thousand years!

Have you seen my two students? Have you seen them?

Students?

You have two students?

WHERE ARE YOU?

Be quiet! He's doing a transfiguration!

Brother Cho Lo!

You're trained in the dark arts?

Nonsense! Taoism and the dark arts are in an eternal battle.

This is not magic. It's Taoism.

Taoism?

To starve like this...

even a snake would die.

Roasted pigeon?

I told you you're a god.

Gods inhale delicious smells.

You don't have to eat, give it to me.

How dare you steal my pigeon!

God, god, god... Haven't you heard of the God of Cookery?

You're in trouble now! This is Sifu's courier pigeon!

Hand it over!

Where art thou?

Cult leader, cult leader,

cult leader?

Cult leader!

Cult leader!

Little man, you can't call me that.

You may call me Father.

Flower?

A man named Flower? Who cares!

May I ask where we are?

This is the Lord's house.

The Lord's house?

Flower must have meant their lord's house!

SIFU, WE WAIT AT THE LORD'S HOUSE.

It's not working...

Thankfully no one saw that...

that'd be so embarrassing...

I'd be done for!

Fire!

What? Never seen this?

Of course not!

Look, Father!

Oh my God!

Where's my collector's edition!

Is it this one?

Oh no!

My one comic book is done for!

Serves you right for reading that trash!

What happened?

Is that really okay?

Of course it's not okay!

You're no longer welcome here!

Yummy yummy in my tummy,

none for the puppy next to me.

Sidai, Sidai, let's share! (junior male classmate)

You can have it if you can reach it!

Hey, hey!

You're awful, why won't you hand it over!

Hey, hey!

You were eaten by Ma Sheung Fung?

Where are those two?

What shoddy work... Looks nothing like a pigeon.

Their lord's house?

Could the two be with the Emperor?

I'm superman!

Let's go.

Walk!

-Superman has to fly! -Hey, stop!

Stop!

Nurse-on-duty!

Please admit the patient at the main gate!

How could they ask us to admit a patient at this hour?

-Exactly! -Ludicrous!

We need to rest too!

Here comes superman!

Where you off to?

You're dressed nicely... How did you know we were having a party?

Do you know where the Emperor lives?

I know, in the Mediterranean Sea!

-And where's that? -I can take you there, alright?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG BROTHER

Brother Cho Lo, we've been waiting so long for you!

This is it?

There's orange, there's green, and we're the ocean!

Brother Cho Lo,

welcome to our ball!

Let's dance! Party!

They're all crazy!

Illusion box?

Demon King, you've finally revealed yourself!

Let's play Tug-of-War!

Yeah!

Tug-of-War!

Hey! He can play the accordion!

Big Brother, this Taoist geezer is amazing!

What Taoist geezer? He's now our Big-Big Brother!

Hey! What are you doing?

The riot police are here! Scary, scary!

The riot police!

Scary!

Until now, we still don't know who you are.

We only know you're a stuntman.

Why do you look at me like that?

I told you, I'm not a demon's concubine. Nor am I Sisi. My name is Gigi.

I'm a psychiatrist here. I will do my best to help you.

Since we're cut from the same cloth, why keep me tied up?

Don't worry, they'll let you go soon enough.

No need to be so afraid.

You...

Do you really hate TV?

Or do you hate the image?

Illusion box?

Come down!

That's dangerous!

Come down now!

Are you alright? Here's let's get you up.

If you're not a demon, then you're Sisi.

But when did you achieve this level of Tao?

With a mere wave of your hand, you were able to

summon and dismiss the Demon King.

Actually, I'd also like to know

why do you sometimes called me "Sisi" and sometimes a demon?

Can you tell me? - Of course.

-Oh, it's you. -Yes.

Big-Big Brother.

Greet him!

-Big-Big Brother... -Rise.

Just call me Taoist Geezer.

Brother Cho Lo, I thought you were going to rescue your students?

We came to save you!

We brought your belongings.

Thank you.

Big Brother, there's no one here!

Of course there's no one. Even a crazy person could tell.

Big-Big Brother, you better get going. The gate is that way.

Yeah, or it'll be too late!

Brothers,

once I have found my two students, I will be back to rescue you.

Please don't!

Scary, scary!

People out there are crazier than we are!

It's dangerous out there! Here, take this.

Yeah, with this, you don't need to fold courier pigeons anymore!

Yeah!

It's too great a gift. I bid you goodbye.

Adieu!

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

-Take care. -Take care!

- Brother Keung, please open the gate. - Sure thing, why are you so late?

- Have you had your midnight snack? - Yeah!

-Thank you! -No worries.

Hey, Gigi, why so late tonight?

I was planing on leaving earlier,

but I ended up speaking with a patient for a very long time.

Gigi, your trunk isn't closed.

Get home safe, goodnight!

Thanks, goodnight.

What's wrong with tonight...

Miss, your license please.

Miss, may I take a look?

Sure.

The puppy is pretty cute!

It's just a cheap mongrel.

Still pretty cute.

Not bad...

How did you get in here without me knowing?

Since you're such a good boy... I'll take you home.

Good boy, stay.

Puppy,

Good boy.

Good boy...

Gigi, it's Dr. Leung. I read your report.

According to the information from Psychiatry, there may be some issues.

Let's let the Dean decide when we meet.

Gigi, it's Ah Ying.

Don't forget we have a meeting with Dr. Cheung at 7p.m. this Friday.

Gigi, I know you're hiding from me.

You won't answer when I call the hospital.

Your resistance is futile. Let me tell you--

No! What are you doing? Let me go!

No!

I used to love playing with you like this!

And now you won't even kiss me back!

Gigi!

Did I scare you?

Here's a flower for you.

Gigi, you know I've never stopped loving you.

How many times do I have to tell you,

we're through!

I no longer love you!

Stop tormenting me!

You're lying! I know you still love me!

I know I was a little crazy before...

but I can change!

Believe me, marry me. Come back to me.

Gigi!

Are you crazy?

You like hitting?

Keep hitting!

Go on!

No!

You fucking dog, I'm going to kill you!

What the...?

Stop following me!

I can't believe you saved me. Thank you.

Drink some milk first. I'll be right back.

Hey, look at you!

You're covered in milk!

What a good puppy... Let me clean you up.

Come--

Let me clean you up.

What a silly puppy...

Help!

Miss, I didn't mean to scare you!

Miss!

-Miss, everything I told you today is true. -Leave! I don't want to hear it!

I escaped from the hospital to find my two students.

I don't want them to be caught by the Demon King.

Please believe me.

Leave, leave!

Alright, I'll leave.

I'm leaving!

I'm returning your jade amulet.

I left it on the table.

In your past life, your name was Sisi.

Hailing from Sika County.

You were forced to marry the Demon King.

The Demon King killed both your parents.

In exchange for the safety of the entire county, you agreed to marry him.

Your attempt to murder him failed.

He stole your soul, and ultimately, you became his demonic concubine.

You've been here all night?

I had planned on leaving, but then it rained all night.

Your voice is cracked.

Yes, well...

I barked all night.

Why didn't you come up to get out of the rain?

That's improper,

Men and women should keep a distance.

I'm sorry about last night.

It's fine.

Why are there so many paper cranes on the ground?

It's my method of communicating with my students.

But my powers are useless in the rain.

Oh, yes. Their last message said they were at the local lord's residence.

Do you know where the local lord lives?

The lord's residence?

Let me ask around, I'll help you look.

Oh yes, they're looking for you.

You better stay at mine today. Do you know how to use my keys?

-Yes, I saw you use it. -It's this one.

I have to get to the hospital.

Hey! Why are you still standing around?

I promise to help you look for your students tonight, okay?

Okay!

Your transfiguration skills suck! You've been at it all day, and nothing flies.

Hey, it's still early! I'm still your sihing, show some respect!

Sihing? What a load of crap!

If it weren't for the rain every single one of them would fly!

A bad workman blames his tools!

That phrase was made for you!

Don't you know our powers don't work in the rain!?

Get it?

-Sihing, are you done? -Yes.

Good, because I'm hungrier than a dead dog. I beg you, save me!

"Sihing"

Namo Amitabha?

I've got a plan!

At home, you rely on your brothers.

Out in the world, you rely on your friends!

Today, we have journeyed into your fair town

seeking nothing but two small meals.

We're just warming up!

We've saved the best for last.

Why is he lying down?

Can he even lift that slab?

Get off.

This strongman is more like it!

He's all red!

Can he really handle it?

Don't kill anyone!

He can't even lift the hammer!

Get shit!

Lie down!

Be careful, Sidai!

No charge if I don't break it in one go!

Let's see this!

Sidai!

How's that!?

Thank you, thank you. Awesome!

We won't be hungry again!

Thank you, thank you.

Cops, cops!

Stop right there!

One more...

Hey! What are you doing? Putting on a big show?

Get up!

Just busking for our next meal...

Busking? Arrest him!

Let's go!

Get up!

Let go of me!

Over, over! Backup, backup!

Backup?

Who are you people?

Are you alright?

Let's go.

Paper money is useless, only silver coins count!

Money!

Move!

Sifu...

Stop... your whining Is driving me crazy.

-Sifu... -I'm taking you to sifu now.

Are you crazy?

Excuse me, where is the Green Waters Insane Asylum?

You're going the right way, you certainly belong there!

Oh, uh, thanks.

Gigi, I am now officially proposing to you.

Gigi, Gigi!

For you!

Ben--

Please let me go, alright?

Let you go?

No!

No need to run, you won't get away!

I'll find you even at the ends of the earth!

You're back.

Why are you dressed like that?

My clothes were wet.

You turned on the television?

Yes. I had seen you turn on the illusion box, so I knew how.

And you had the milk?

Yes, I had some last night, and it was pretty good.

You're a smart, ancient man. You picked everything up so quickly.

Oh yes,

On my way home, I think I saw your two students on the highway.

Really? How did you recognise them?

By their clothing and behavior... just as you said.

You really saw them?

-Come, let's go find them. -No.

I can't let them see me like this.

I don't see them.

I saw them around here.

Let's go look over there.

They're over there!

It's very hard to get there.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey!

You think you can do anything just because it's for the movies?

Little Turtle! Fung!

Little Turtle! Fung!

Fung!

Sifu?

-Sifu! -Little Turtle!

It's really sifu!

Sifu!

Sifu!

Sifu!

Sifu!

Sifu, where have you been? I thought we'd never see you again!

Are you alright?

We're fine, we're fine.

Of course we're fine, sifu!

We've been tired and hungry, it's nice to be carried.

-You lied to me! -Watch yourself! Sifu is here!

My arms are numb from carrying you!

How could you!

You're wasting your energy fighting each other?

The two of you are useless. I'm leaving.

Sifu, don't leave!

Sifu!

Sifu, don't leave!

Wait for me!

You stupid carriage!

Sifu, sifu! Don't go!

Sifu, sifu!

Don't go!

If you leave, we'll never find you! Sifu, I promise to behave.

Sifu, I'll be good, forgive me.

Don't cry.

Fung!

Where do you think you're going?

I'm happy you two are reunited.

But how long can ghosts and humans stay together? I should take my leave.

Sifu, I did as you said,

I didn't tell him anything!

God, you're so stupid.

Gods can ride the clouds,

so why are you walking like a lost dog?

Also, you ate my courier pigeon!

So I'm not dead?

I'm human?

I'm really human!

Let go!

Let go of me!

Let go of me!

Relax, relax!

Hey!

The Demon's concubine!

Demon's concubine? That's Sisi!

-She's a demon! -It's Si--

She's neither. She's Miss Gigi.

She's in danger, let's go.

Sifu, go where though?

Sifu--

What's this?

A Lighter. Stole it when I was roasting the pigeon.

It's super useful.

See?

-Hey, it's the lord's house! -The lord's house?

-Yes. -Then let's go!

-Sifu, you know how to get there? -We'll ask for directions.

Sifu, you're outdated. We can ask for a ride. Hail a cab!

Don't look at me like that.

I will melt in your loving gaze.

Don't move...

You are my princess.

Princess Chang-ping...

Let me go!

Please, let me go!

Let me go!

Let me tell you,

Till death do us part!

Don't be scared.

This kiss absolves you.

Walk!

Let go, let go!

Where do you think you're going?

Come with me, come with me!

Play, play!

Sing.

Sing!

Run?

Where can you run?

Does it hurt?

Don't cry, good girl, the wedding is about to start.

I told you not to run, I already told you!

Where do you think you're going? Where would you go?

Keep playing! With feeling!

Good girl, don't cry.

Keep singing.

Tell them you agree,

tell them you want to marry me.

Say it!

III doll

Say it!

-No... -Say it!

Say, "I do!"

Say it! Say it!

"I DO!"

Say it! Say you agree to marry me!

Say it! Say, "I do!!"

Say it!

Say, "I do!"

Put this on!

Put it on!

Gigi, Gigi!

X Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on X

X Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? X

X And did I hear you say he was a-meeting you here today X

X To take you to his mansion in the sky? X

Ben!

Don't...

I will sacrifice everything for love.

Because I know what Love is.

X I'm singing in the rain X

I'm fall in love with you!

Ben, no!

Stop, stop!

You won't get away!

You won't get away!

I'll catch you!

Miss Gigi!

Ben killed himself!

The beast is over there!

And his corpse became this demon!

-Fung, Little Turtle! -Yes!

-Go to true north first. -Got it, sifu.

I'll lure him to where the Big Dipper marks the spot!

Beast!

This time, we'll kill you.

-Beast your ass, let's go. -Be careful!

It's sure hard making movies, right?

I used to be in movies too!

Have you got it yet?

-I'm looking! -Look faster!

You don't believe me?

I'm Wong Four! I used to be an action star at Shaw!

Left, go left!

Left right ahead.

You can't turn left there.

I told you to turn left or you're fucked!

Fuck it, then.

Just straight ahead, stop the carriage!

Get off the carriage, come on!

This is where the Big Dipper marks.

It's a car lot.

Hey!

I don't care if it's the morgue or the artillery, pay up!

Are you kidding me? I'm the governor of two provinces!

Even the Governor has to pay!

You're so mean. No way around it then.

It's hard earned money!

-Is that enough? -I'll take it!

-This way... -Have you found it yet?

No, this way, this way.

No, this way, this way.

Hey, shortcake!

You're taking us in circles, let's just walk straight.

What do you know? If you knew, you'd navigate!

-Follow me! -What a nuisance!

-Come. -This way, this way.

No, that way, that way.

Not quite...

This way...

Is this fun for you?

Shut up!

This is the safest spot, stay here.

Hey, find somewhere to hide her.

-This is for you. -Hide here and don't move.

Stay hidden, okay?

-Get down. -Let's go.

Sihing, Sifu is taking so long... What if he's in trouble?

You're crazy, Sifu is so powerful, what could happen to him?

Even though Sifu is so powerful, we still had to pay for that cab.

That makes me think, what if the demon gets here before Sifu?

We're unprepared. We'd be at a disadvantage!

Let's find something to protect ourselves.

Sifu!

Sifu, we were so worried!

We have to get to work.

-Prepare for the Moonlight Mirror ritual! -Yes!

Here comes the demon!

Bring out the moonlight mirrors!

Be careful!

Sihing!

Sihing...

-Are you alright? -It's a miracle I'm fine, I'm not you!

You're big, strong, and have the Emperor's protection!

-To your positions! -Yes!

Where are the Moonlight Mirrors?

Shit...

Over there!

We're doomed! Sifu can't get wet!

Now what?

If we keep going, Sifu will transform!

Think of something!

Go stall for time, the Emperor's protection should keep you safe.

-Are you sure? -Worth a try!

-Sifu... -Alright!

Sifu!

Get out of here!

-Leave! -No!

-Leave! -No!

If you die, we'll die together!

-Leave! -No!

Leave!

Sidai!

Run, run!

Sidai!

Sidai!

Run!

To the death!

Little Turtle!

Beloved...

I die by your sword...

Taoist priest!

Miss--

Are you alright?

Taoist priest?

Sir, we found a Japanese sword at the crime scene.

Is anyone injured?

Nope, but the scene is messier than Big Goof's home.

-Keep looking, -Yes, sir!

Ma Sheung-fung lock down the crime scene. Please take this lady to the hospital.

Miss, please come with me.