Original subtitles

I'm famished and haven't eaten for two weeks.

Well I'll be glad to give you some money for food.

- Can't keep food down, never could. - I'll do anything I can to help you.

Anything? Oh thank...

May I be permitted to introduce myself?

My name is Erasmus, I am a vampire.

- Oh, of course you know that. - I say, what happened to your fangs?

Oh they're retractable when not in use.

Oh it's alright I didn't bite deep, you won't become one of us.

It was the best blood I have ever tasted and from such a noble source.

You are the great arch Edwin Hayes, the writer of those magnificent horror stories.

You are my favorite author.

I wouldn't have thought you needed to read horror stories.

My dear sir, you do yourself an injustice.

Everybody likes to read about themselves and their own kind.

Yes, well, I'm glad to have been of help to you, I'm glad you like my blood, my books...

- but I must be on my way. - Oh no, I can't hear of such a thing.

- You want more of my blood? - No, no, you misunderstand me.

I owe you something, I want to help you. To repay you.

No, it's quite all right, thank you very much, I'm glad using your service.

Well, I can get you material for your next book.

Material? What sort of material?

I will take you to a place where my friends forgather.

There are vampires, werewolves, ghouls. Every kind of monster you could ever imagine.

And some far beyond the imagining of mere mortals.

There you will find stories of such blood-curdling terror...

that it will make your toes curl and your hair reach up towards the sky.

- Where is this place? - It's just a short distance.

It's called the Monster Club

Wolfgang, my table please.

Wolfgang.

- I'll have the usual. - I'm afraid the type B is off, sir.

But I'll have to make do with that common type O.

If I may suggest sir, tomato juice. You'll look less conspicuous.

♪ I'm good looking in the monster nation Mr. Wheeler wants to meet you. ♪

♪ He's waiting for the moon to greet you, his sister's snake with a poison touch. ♪

♪ Wants to catch you in a midnight crush, got a friend you know you can trust? ♪

♪ He's a Fiend and he's one of us! ♪

Thank you Walter.

Now this is present enough but it doesn't sustain us.

But to get real nourishment we have to take our food directly from the source.

And it becomes more difficult constantly, people are so well-educated these days.

It's all those horror films and television.

Everybody knows about garlic and stakes through the heart.

Yes, we all have our cross to bear.

- I'd rather you didn't use that word. - What this?

Oh, that's a monsters genealogical chart.

You see first we have the primate monsters, vampires, werewolves and ghouls.

Now a vampire and a werewolf would produce a Werevamp.

But a werewolf and a ghoul would produce a Weregoo.

But a vampire and a ghoul would produce a Vamgoo.

A weregoo and a werevamp would produce a Shaddy.

Now a weregoo and a vamgoo would produce a Maddy.

But a werevamp and a vamgoo would produce a Raddy.

Now, if a Shaddy were to mate with a Raddy or a Maddy the results would be a Mock.

A Mock?

Frankly that's just a polite name for a Mongrel.

You know it's...

it's quite simple really, all you have to do is remember the basic rules of monsterdom.

Vampires suck, Werewolves hunt, Ghouls tear, Shaddies lick, Maddies yawn, Mocks blow but...

- Shadmocks only whistle. - Shadmocks?

If a mock were to mate with any of the other hybrids...

their off-springs would be called shadmocks.

- And they only whistle? - Well they don't do it very often.

Doesn't sound too terrifying?

Oh, but you should see the results of a shadmock's whistling.

Shadmocks are the lowest in the monster hierarchy, yet they have this power.

What happened when a shadmock whistles?

I heard of a man once who saw the results of a shadmock's whistle.

That's all he saw and yet, and yet...

He's been like that for the past six months.

If we only knew what was going on behind those...

staring eyes we might be able to help him.

He was found under extraordinary and inexplicable circumstances.

- Anything? - Nothing of use to us.

- Maybe we ought to look for proper jobs. - And be slaves all our lives?

No, what we need is the big one, one big break.

Someone we can take for all he's worth.

Enough money we might even get married.

Oh, here's something.

Antiquary requires secretary to help catalog collection and prepare new book.

Some of those old fools got stuff that's worth thousands.

- Gold, melted down, untraceable. - Not very likely.

He's offering enough money.

Harbrick house?

Mr. Raven, I'm Angela...

Angela Jones, I wrote to you about your advertisement.

Yes of course please do, do come in.

My study is this way.

So many things!

They all have to be catalogued, before we begin there's something I must tell you.

Some people find me difficult, and impossible to work for.

Why, you beat up your secretaries?

No. I, I pride myself on being a very easy task master.

Just...

I'm sorry.

I can't do it.

- Did he turn you down? - He wanted me all right.

And the house is full of good stuff.

But the way he looked, there's something terrifying about him.

- Full of good stuff. - I'm not going back.

You came back.

- Why don't you get someone to clean this place? - I can't.

But I can't ask people to come here, you have no idea how hard it was for me to...

to advertise for you.

I must never go near people...

- I can never go outside these grounds. - Aren't you ever lonely?

If only you knew the agony of my loneliness.

Some of my relations visit me from time to time but...

- they're different. - But why can't you go out?

Well, there's all the noise, the traffic...

- I might... - Might?

I didn't mean to frighten you.

They're my only friends, soon they'll learn to get to know you.

They'll accept you as a friend.

I must get to work.

I've always been fascinated by the things of the dead.

It's probably something to do with my ancestry, and then the living have always...

I used to wear a mask once.

It was no use, it just made people curious.

They had to see what was underneath and then...

it's much better to get over the shock right at the beginning...

then they might even grow accustomed.

You should always have flowers, masses of flowers.

You'll should always be surrounded with flowers.

The birds will expect their breakfast.

Yes, yes, you're right, I mustn't neglect my other friends.

You've no idea what meeting you has meant to me.

What are you playing at? What's going on?

Let's forget it, chuck the whole thing in.

You afraid of him, you said yourself he was a weakling, what can he do?

I don't know.

At least get hold of something, so I can see what sort of stuff he's got, get it valued.

- I don't like it. - You in love with him or something?

No, he terrifies me.

No...

This sort of stuff's almost impossible to fence.

Too specialized, and we need a ton of it for the meltdown value to be worth anything at all.

- So we give up? - No.

- We've invested too much to chuck it in now. - But if it's no use?

He almost certainly pays for that stuff in cash.

He must have a safe somewhere to keep it handy.

Probably keep some of the small really valuable articles in there too.

- Has he come out of his room yet? - I haven't seen him for days.

Good, then you have plenty of opportunity to look for the safe.

Angela look, used to belong to princess Sahoia.

She was said to be the most beautiful woman of her day.

That was some three thousand years ago.

Sahoia must have had your colouring.

Matches your eyes, your skin...

Beautiful!

You should keep all those things in the bank.

I don't like banks, you have to see people.

No, my things are much...

better here with me.

Angela, will you marry me?

I realize my appearance and everything.

But you could still love me.

But we've got it all planned.

I can't do it to him.

Don't worry everything will be alright.

Just remember the plan, play along with him.

Get him to give you the ring as an engagement present and then...

remember the combination when he opens the safe.

Oh, you've made me so very, very happy.

Of course you may have the ring.

It's only fitting it, should adorn a living hand after so many centuries.

Such a, a beautiful hand.

I, I have something of a confession I must make to you.

I am a shadmock, I don't suppose you know what that is.

If I ever whistle, well, I must never whistle, no matter what happens.

Oh, you must meet some of my relations.

They could explain the situation to you much better than I ever can.

We can have a party, an engagement party, it can be in fancy dress.

Everyone can wear masks. My relations are a bit much to take all at once.

That way you can have a chance to get used to them gradually.

- I like dressing up. - Oh, in spite of my relations.

In spite of everything...

you could still love me.

It is a crime to hide such beauty, but here we must all be masked.

My love, may I present my great uncle Uriah.

Great uncle, may I present my bride to be, Miss Angela Jones.

The money and the other things, they don't matter to me, take them.

Do what you want with them, give them to whomsoever you please.

- But, you could still love me. - Oh no, no, don't touch me.

- That's all I ever wanted from you. - You mustn't say that, you mustn't say that.

I could never love you.

You're horrible, horrible!

I could never love you...

But did you get it?

You could still love me.

You could still love me.

You could still love me.

There's nothing sadder than the agonized grief of a tender hearted monster.

They're playing my song.

♪ Hey, fix me a drink and make it a Bloody Mary. ♪

♪ Don't forget to spike it, with my favourite record. ♪

♪ You're so vain, you come from Pennsylvania, I'm from Transylvania... ♪

♪ She's the kind of girl to drive a man insane... ♪

♪ Took her lover's soul and I give her pain ♪

♪ You can call it fate, she's the one I'd rate ♪

♪ She's the kind of girl I love to punctuate. When I kiss and find her heart... ♪

♪ I make her laugh until I got her neck, how sad... ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

♪ When I took her you, just to have a drink... ♪

♪ Baby there's no doubt, that you tend to sprinkle, almost all apart... ♪

♪ People near or far, they can follow you when they wash their cars. ♪

♪ Suspending in a garden man, say, you could use it as a watering can ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

♪ I'm just a sucker for, your love. ♪

The club secretary.

Order, silence, pray silence. Attention, yes, order.

The great vampire film producer Lintom Busotsky...

- Vampire film producer? - Aren't they all?

It's a great honor for me to be invited here tonight...

to show you an excerpt from my latest film.

It is, I assure you, a picture very close to my heart.

For it's based on my own childhood, but in a modern setting.

Lower budget.

I was born and brought up here in London.

I can't say I've ever felt the urge to follow in my father's profession.

You see he was a night worker...

who spent the daylight hours asleep he needed peace and quiet.

But as a naturally shy child I too was glad we lived in a secluded house.

And avoided our neighbours, but even the shyest children must go to school.

My mother, may the earth lay lightly on her bones...

was always determined that I should look my best.

Now, remember what I told you, never speak to strangers.

I'll remember.

Now Manfred you must hurry or you'll miss the 5:30 to Oxford Circus.

Oh yes, you're quite right my dear.

Your business is so messy, I shouldn't like to think of you being mistaken for a butcher.

Daddy, I wish you could play with me during the day.

No, I work during the night, I must get my sleep.

- Are you are waiter? - Oh no my son, I'm not a waiter.

But I suppose I do have something to do with the food trade.

What do you do?

I lighten the burden of those who have too much...

and receive certain nutritional benefits in return.

A nip and a suck, and a few things.

Feed without greed.

That has always been my slogan, the rush hour trains and...

the after theater crows provide a rich harvest for someone who knows his business.

But I must always be on the lookout...

for the Blini, the B Squad.

Beware of men carrying violin cases.

I do not think there- there's any need to reveal the problems of your profession.

You're right dear.

A gentleman does not mix his business and home life.

Sufficient for Lintom to know that he has an unusual father.

Who loves his family very much.

Boom...?

- What've we got here? - This wimp, that thing, the weed.

- But he can't do that. - Of course he can't.

- Coward! - Wierdo!

- Isn't he pale? - Sickly.

- You daren't do that. - Cry baby.

Weed.

Now, you mustn't worry about those horrid children teasing you.

You see, you must remember that you are better than they are.

Back in the old country, where we came from, your father was a nobleman.

He's a count, which means of course that I am a countess.

Well, then, you must be a viscount.

I don't care, I'm better than all of you, I'm a viscount.

- What did you say? - I said I'm a viscount.

My lord...

- Your grace. - You thing.

Weed.

Children, what's going on here?

Oh come on, I'll, I'll walk home with you and see that they don't harm you.

Merciful heavens, why not?

My mother told me never to speak to strangers.

But I'm not a stranger, I'm a clergyman, would you like a caramel?

No thank you, I can't let anyone come to my home.

- Why not? - I don't know.

There must be a reason?

I think my father escaped from somewhere in the middle of Europe, perhaps he's hiding?

Why were those limbs of Satan so angry with you?

- I said I was a viscount. - Oh, is your father a nobleman?

I hardly seen my father, he sleeps all day and goes out at night.

- Where does he sleep? - Downstairs.

- I've never been there. - Why don't you go down there one day?

He might wake up early and play with you.

Wait til your mother goes out, then she needn't know.

I'm just going to the shops.

Now you remember, not to let anyone in while I'm away.

I remember.

- Take us to your father. - Let me alone.

Where is your father? Come on.

- Who are you? What do you want? - We are the B Squad sonny.

The Blini, special branch concerned with blood crimes.

We've sworn to eradicate the curse of vampirism from this land.

- Sir, it's getting dark. - The boy said his father slept downstairs.

Look for a cellar.

Your father has been the most difficult case of my career.

I've hunted him for months, he's been clever, very clever.

But now I've got him.

Sir...

- No, you can't go down there, you can't! - Take him down.

He should witness the end.

Don't just stand there, get an ambulance.

You'll need more than an ambulance.

My husband didn't just take a tricular refreshment.

He bit deep, you know what that means? You are one of his kind now.

You'll have to be staked by your own men.

She's right sir, the virus is in you.

Come moonlight, you'll be on the rampage, we'll have to do our duty sir.

You, you are talking to Pickering, a Departmental Agent, head of the Blini.

Why, I've staked over 2,000 vamps, you can't mean...

You wouldn't want us chasing you through the underground sir.

Wouldn't be respectful sir.

No, if you could just see your way to laying out nice and flat like.

We'll have the old doings to your ticker in a jiffy.

Where would you be most comfortable sir?

Watson...

stretcher.

It's a good thing. I always wear a stake proof vest.

It's built with tomato ketchup.

Come.

The one thing, you must learn in life my darlings, is...

You cannot be too careful.

Well, thank you for a very pleasant evening, I really must go.

The entertainment is about to commence.

♪ Take a look around you. Someone might recognize you. ♪

♪ It's not the type of place you want to bump into friends. ♪

♪ I know what you came for ♪

♪ To watch me on the dance floor, made me what you pay for. ♪

♪ A part of you dreams. ♪

♪ But it's alright, come on and see me every Saturday night. ♪

♪ But it's all, alright. ♪

♪ And don't you know... ♪

♪ I have a long night pass, you can't believe your eyes... ♪

♪ My body hypnotizes, because I'm a stripper. ♪

♪ So let the show begin, I'll show you everything. Oh, I want to say peep in. ♪

♪ There's nothing you can say to take my pride away... ♪

♪ I can be a lady, I'm a stripper. I got abilities, don't you look down on me ♪

♪ I can live without your dirty in minds. Can you? ♪

♪ Now let me tell you why. You kissed your wife goodbye... ♪

♪ You take a swig of brandy and come here to me ♪

♪ To get your satisfaction, no negative reaction. ♪

♪ I'll paying with my body, that what you was seeing. ♪

♪ But it's alright, come on and see me every Saturday night. ♪

♪ But it's all, alright, oh, Saturday, no...? ♪

♪ You made a wrong mistake, don't wanna know your name ♪

♪ Just come back again and pay the stripper. ♪

♪ So let the show begin, I'll show you everything. Oh, I want to say peep in. ♪

♪ I got the ability, don't you look out on me. I only want your money, I'm a stripper. ♪

♪ Don't try to understand, because you're just a man and I'm stripper... ♪

- Beautiful bones, don't you think? - Magnificent.

♪ It's alright, come on and see me every Saturday night. ♪

♪ But it's all, alright. ♪

♪ I have a long night pass, you can't believe your eyes... ♪

♪ My body hypnotizes, because I'm a stripper. ♪

♪ So let the show begin, I'll show you everything. Oh, I want to say peep in. ♪

♪ There's nothing you can say to take my pride away... ♪

♪ I can be a lady, I'm a stripper. I got abilities, don't you look down on me. ♪

♪ I can live without your dirty mind. It's alright. ♪

♪ Come on and see me every Saturday night, but it's alright... ♪

♪ Oh, I'm a stripper. ♪

- Erasmus... - Yes?

That girl there, at the bottom of the chart. Surely she's not a Monster?

Well, that's a Hume, a cross between a ghoul and a human being.

As well as mating with each other, monsters can also mate with human beings.

Results are nearly always disastrous, but they will do it.

- What do they do? - Do?

- Do the whistle, anything like that. - Humegoos?

Evil hell, no. Apart from an unfortunate appetite for carrion...

which they get from the ghoul side of the family, they do anything interesting.

Oh, I'm relieved to hear it.

Oh, but their relations, do have some fascinating habits.

One of them told me an intriguing story once, it started with...

you shall see.

Cut!

- Going to go again? - No, no, no.

- It's a wrap. - Right, it's a wrap everyone, fast lights.

I want to print, 3, 11 and 13.

I'll suppose I'll have to sort the whole mess out in the cutting room as usual.

Ah Sam, can you have a look at these pictures of the new locations of the farm.

- Where did you look? - Here, here and here.

Well, what's wrong with this area? It looks far more remote, far more promising.

I want a strange, eerie, lonely, half deserted village...

in which to make an atmospheric horror film.

You really expect to find such a place surrounded by a motorway, a power station...

and group of five-star hotels.

I'll go out this weekend and I'll find the place myself.

Hello, anybody here?

Innkeeper?

- I'd like to use your telephone. - No telephone here.

But perhaps you could help me. You see, I'd like to use this village for a film.

A film, for the cinema.

But, whose permission do I need? Who runs things around here?

The antiques, the elders.

- Well, how I contact them? - They'll be here soon.

Don't worry about it. See I'll have my production office sort all that.

I'll talk to my art director when I get back to London tonight.

You not get there tonight, too far.

Not safe for night, you stay here.

- Who did it? - Be them Vermin.

I likely see them Vermin, real monsters they are, nothing be safe.

Can someone direct me to the nearest garage?

Eh, no sir.

- Well, surely you can suggest something? - Soon be dark, ain't safe in dark.

Thank you.

Dadda say you eat this.

What is it?

- Rabbit stew, I cook. - What's your name?

You mean how am I called?

Luna.

Dadda is keeper of inn.

Do all people on the outside wear clothes like yours?

Outside? We're only a couple of miles from the main highway.

An hour in my car would take you to a big city.

These only clothes we have, only clothes in boxes. No clothes like yours.

- Boxes? - All come from boxes.

Taking, work with hands to make that box.

Oh, where do you people get these boxes?

In ground, on gathering night.

All come from boxes, clothes, wood, food, all from boxes.

No more boxes left now, all gone.

I not like others, I Humegoo.

My mother from outside.

When I born, she be put into box, then dug up for great eating.

Dada says she caught in mist, like you and motorcar.

Luna, what they going to do with me?

- You're going to tell me, you tell me... - I will no tell, dada beat me if tell.

- Tell me, I'm not going to let you go until you do. - We must have our food.

Luna, I need your help, I've got to get out of here.

Hide there, they not go in there.

- Fold down if go in there. - Can you go in there?

I not like them, I'm humegoo. Can go in.

I come when I can, help you.

Almighty God, hear the prayer of your miserable servant...

and grant me the power to set down the unthinkable evil I have witnessed.

We should've destroyed the first one, crushed it underfoot.

Burnt it's foul carcass and tossed the ashes to the winds.

As it squatted behind a tombstone and did jibber upon us.

But I, may I be forgiven, did implore mercy for the creature.

I took it into my house and washed away the filth.

Filth the like of which I had never before in my life beheld.

I clad it in clean raiment and laid it on a soft bed.

Where did I sin merciful God, for should we not succor the afflicted, give good for evil?

Then one night when the moon was full...

I saw it, cursed be the eyes that see and ears that hear...

feeding in the churchyard...

mud on the hands, sitting on a pile of earth...

and gnawing, gnawing.

We chased it away but for the one we drove away 12 did return.

And they danced around the village bounds to mark the place as their own.

Even as I write I can hear their howls.

Dada beat me because I help you, I not go back, if you go...

- Don't nobody left here. - It's nonsense.

When I escape, I want you to go with me, live the life a pretty girl should live.

Take me outside, wear clothes like yours.

Really take me outside, ride on underground?

Underground? Do you know about the underground?

Elders say there is much good eating underground.

Stone kill it, if hit head, they kill many animals that way.

- What will they do next? - Nothing more.

They wait for elders to come for great eating.

They not like us, have much wisdom.

- You escape when elders are here. - When will they come?

This night.

Run when I run, and stay beside me.

Follow... and stop them.

Mist, elders men, look...

I hope I...

back broke, back when dadda, hit rabbit.

Rabbit die soon, when back broke.

I die soon.

Never see outside...

- pretty close. - I'll go and get some help, it'd be alright.

There's a village, it's a village up there. A village of...

Well, if you'll take me to the police station.

Where are you going? This is the way to the...

- Stop. - Don't worry sir.

We saw, the supply wagon, we'll take care of it.

- Supply what? - It's just behind that car.

You see, we always give the elders a police escort when they return to Loughville.

The village of monsters?

Well, it would make a good story, wouldn't it?

I mean so moral, no nudity, no sex.

- A little violence perhaps but... - Now really, I must go home.

No, I've taken a liking to you.

- But you promised... - No, no, no.

- I'm going to put you up for membership. - But I'm not a monster.

Nonsense, you're the greatest monster of them all. Oh Mr. club secretary...

I want to propose my friend here as a member of this august assembly.

But... he's a Hume!?

Yes but, can we truly call this a Monster Club...

if we do not boast amongst our membership a single member of the human race?

Nonsense.

What can we do?

In the past 60 years...

humes have exterminated over a hundred and fifty million of their own kind.

No effort is been spared to reach this astronomical figure...

and the methods that they have used must demand our unstinted admiration.

You know humes began with certain very serious disadvantages, but these they overcame...

with wonderful ingenuity, not having a fang or a claw...

or even a whistle worth talking about.

They invented guns and tanks, and bombs and aeroplanes...

and extermination camps, and poison gas, and daggers and swords and bayonets and...

booby traps, and atomic bombs and flying missiles...

submarines, warships, aircraft carriers, and motorcars.

They have even perfected a process whereby they can spread...

a lethal disease on any part of this planet.

Not to say anything about nuclear power, during their short history you know...

humes have subjected other humes to death by...

burning, hanging, decapitation, strangulation...

electrocution, shooting, drowning, crushing, racking...

disemboweling, and other methods far, far too revolting...

for the delicate stomachs of this august assembly.

I never realized he was so talented.

- We don't like to boast. - I second the proposal.

A member of a such a talented race...

can only be of credit to any Monster Club.

Maestro, to celebrate the installation of a new member...

may we hear, our song?

♪ You read in books about the things that chill a human heart ♪

♪ I was naked with my girlfriend when she's just snapped out the lights ♪

♪ Saying, thanks for the memory as she took a bigger bite ♪

- ♪ And then there's the blood ♪ - ♪ Blood? Welcome to the Monster Club ♪

- ♪ Welcome to the Monster Club. ♪ - ♪ The Monster Club. ♪

♪ You hear those heavy footsteps follow you down the hall ♪

♪ As you open the door to your late night visitor you really lose your cool. ♪

♪ When he borrows a spanner, tightens his bolts, you feel such a fool ♪

- ♪ And then there's the blood ♪ - ♪ Blood? Welcome to the Monster Club ♪

- ♪ Welcome to the Monster Club ♪ - ♪ The Monster Club ♪

♪ There's a face at my window, as the darkness closes in ♪

♪ The door starts to creak and screams of the night ♪

♪ There's the finger of a phantom with a strange twisted smile ♪

♪ Given the circumstances, you run them out ♪

♪ Or two, or three... ♪

♪ You feel so proud to be part of the human race ♪

♪ There's just a little sadness, not much grief upon your face ♪

♪ You look into the mirror, there's a stake driven right through your heart ♪

- ♪ And then there's the blood ♪ - ♪ Blood? Welcome to the Monster Club ♪

♪ Welcome to the Monster Club ♪

- ♪ Welcome to the Monster Club ♪ - ♪ The Monster Club ♪

- Take a seat. - ♪ Welcome to the Monster Club ♪

♪ The Club, the Club, the Club...