Original subtitles

and I'm joined by the coach of the EU All-Star team,

Teppo Maki. Teppo, welcome to Sudbury.

What do you think of Northern Ontario?

Fentanyl problem.

Indisputable. But any highlights?

Bus broken into twice.

I believe it. But the city is not without its charm.

Can't be worse than Edmonton.

No comment. You've just concluded

your North American run. How would you describe it?

- Fun. - Fair.

Your team was a perfect 8 and 0.

Outscoring your opponents 71 to 9 along the way.

That was a statement. - So was that.

What's been the key to your success here?

- We don't get hit. - Well, you've got a big team.

That hasn't mattered.

I thought it would be advantageous to bring big men

who could withstand punishment,

but I could have done this with little girls.

- Now that is a statement. - It's certain that girls

would bring more emotion to the game

than our opponents here brought.

Okay, last question.

What made you decide to extend the tour an extra game

with the NOSHO North Stars? - The promise of a challenge.

By general manager, Nat, I'm assuming?

- I don't know her name. - That tracks.

We gain nothing if we return home untested.

I want at least one really good battle for my men.

One really good fight.

Careful what you wish for.

I've been following the Northern Ontario

Senior Hockey Organization for quite some time now,

and they battle here. - Yeah?

They fight.

We are not scared of them.

Hear that, Shoresy? They're not scared of you.

♪ Uncover me my precious sweet ♪

♪ Hallowed hide ♪

♪ My disbelief in the unseen shadows hide ♪

♪ I found my place in the garden ♪

♪ Among the snakes in the darkness ♪

♪ My desperate for belonging ♪

♪ Above the stakes ♪

♪ I found my place in the madness ♪

♪ I seek a way through the labyrinth ♪

♪ Open the gate silver platters ♪

♪ I'm gonna take ♪

♪ I found my place in the darkness ♪

♪ I found my place in the garden ♪

♪ Among ♪

Six o'clock in the morning!?

Or ten o'clock at night.

We've got the European All-Stars in town

and the only ice you've got for us

is six o'clock in the morning?

- Or ten o'clock at night? - What the fuck is that?

When the NOSHO folded, I told you we'd have to give

your weekly ice times to someone else.

- Yeah. - And that once it was gone,

it would be really hard to get back.

- Yeah. - But you still assumed

that you could get your old ice times back

at the drop of a hat?

Yeah.

I know you guys have deep roots in the arena,

but this is a community centre.

We house major junior hockey, semi-pro basketball.

We just took on an entire church league.

The one that got banned from the outdoor rink in Westmount?

Yeah. Those guys play like psychos.

But they have ice and we don't?

Community centre.

Oh my God, did she just repeat community centre

with added emphasis on--

We have hockey, we have basketball,

we have musical touring acts that we can't just bump.

- Like who? - April Lavigne.

Avril Lavigne?

April. It's a tribute act.

National champs and now we're backseat to cover bands.

I want to do a warm-up game against the Apeldoorns.

Is six o'clock in the morning the only option for that too?

Or ten o'clock at night.

Fuckin' terrible call.

Oh, you wanna talk about a terrible call?

Your mom FaceTimed me when I was watching videos

on my phone with Liam's mom.

Should download Duolingo on there for when the Euros

skate circles around ya in six languages.

Heard the EU's game plan. Fee, fi, fo, fum,

stick it straight up Shoresy's bum.

EU outscored opponents 71-9

but here come the NOSHO North Stars.

Woo! - Woo!

You're just old as fuck, eh?

Gonna get us kicked out of NATO

for not contributing anything on defence.

What's up later? Put on a ball game,

fall asleep in the recliner? - Anything concerning

come up in your bloodwork, or what?

Get into any good soups lately?

Let's loosen that up a bit bud.

I know circulation's a problem at your age.

You a bisque or a chowder guy?

Want me to show you how to enlarge

the font size on your phone, you old fart?

- Oh, I'm old. - What?

I didn't wanna tell you this, Cor.

I knew your mom was old, but did you know that she lost

her virginity at the Calgary Olympics?

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Which is crazy

'cause Liam's mom lost hers to a luger in Lillehammer.

Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Liam.

Your mom calls me Daddy so much I feel like I should be

taking you out to the yard to throw the old pig skin around.

- Fuck you. - Don't talk to your father like that.

Fuck you, Shoresy. - Uh-oh, smells like your mom

washed your jersey with our bedsheets.

Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fucked your mom

on your 101 Dalmatians bedsheets last night, Liam.

- Fuck you. - Yeah, she was Dalmatian 102.

Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Cory.

I bench pressed your mom 40 reps.

Now she wants me to do it all the time.

I'm like, leave me alone, my ice cream's melting.

Fuck you. - Your mom says come to the bedroom, I'm horny.

I go in there, she's eating sunflower seeds.

Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Cory.

I get it, your mom loves body shots,

but not at Chuck E Cheese. Like, have some decorum.

Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Liam.

I told your mom Cory's mom could open a pop-off

with her teeth so she learned how to open a twist off

with her twat. Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Cory. Your mom sticks so many toys up her ass,

I call her anal fissure price.

Hey Liam, can you give your mom

her heartworm medication for me?

But make sure you wrap it in a treat

or she'll spit it right back out.

I hope the EU kills you guys.

I didn't wanna tell you this, Liam,

but I just found out your mom's got more kills than me.

Fuck you!

I'm not having a good day.

Fair warning.

Tomorrow night we play a warm-up game

against the Apeldoorns.

Don't wear that stupid tracksuit, slut.

There's only eight Apeldoorns.

Sixteen on the roster.

Well then, what big Dutch farm boys

are they bringin' to the 'Bur? Blankenbiller?

- No. - Klumpenhouwer?

- No. - De Bardeladen?

No. - Schowengerdtner?

No. - Van Zandermeulen?

No. - De Rentmeester?

No. - Van Benschoten?

No.

Well then they must be bringing

Sollenbergerstadt. - Why do you care?

Because I'm the fuckin' coach, idiot.

You're not the coach until you actually

coach, idiot.

Fuck you Ziig,

you fuckin' ovulater.

None of those guys are on the list.

Well then, who are they bringin'?

- Berkenbosch. - No.

- Van den Heide. - No.

- Meulenbelt. - No.

- Baarsma. - No.

Engelbrecht. - No.

Nieuwenkamp. - No!

Westhuizen. - No!

Van Amelsvoort. - Fuck no!

- Why not? - 'Cause those are the smallest

Dutchmen in the north. We need big fuckin' tree-like

Dutchmen if we're gonna be ready

for the fuckin' redwoods on the EU.

Then who, slut?

- Du Kneynsberg. - Yup.

Maarschalkerweerd. - Yup.

- Boekbinder. - Yup.

- Donkervoort. - Yup.

Stamsnider. Yup.

Prinsen Geerlig. Yup.

Swellengrebel. Yup.

- And Heemskirk. - Done.

- Who they got in net? - Boomsma.

See if you can get Jonker.

Deal, if you don't wear the tracksuit.

Just get the boys gelling

for the main event in a couple nights.

Done. Get your legs under ya

for the game with the Apeldoorns but keep plenty

in the tank for the EU. - Duh.

And please don't wear that tracksuit, seriously.

I won't.

Okay. Game starts at ten PM sharp.

Looking forward to it. That'll be all.

We'll see you tomorrow. Thanks very much.

- Wait. - What?

Huh? Huh?

What are you talking about?

She said that'll be all, slut.

- Game starts at ten PM? - Yeah.

What fuckin' hockey game

that isn't div 22 beer league starts at ten PM?

The NOSHO vs the Apeldoorns and then the EU.

Are you fuckin' deaf? - Nat!

I told you I wasn't having a good day.

Why isn't the game starting 'til ten PM?

Because that's all the city would give us.

That's all the city would give us?

Ten o'clock at night?

Or six o'clock in the morning.

We've been here for like 50 years.

- When the NOSHO folded-- - We set league records.

- This is a community centre. - We just won the country here.

It's not just the other sports teams,

it's a whole rig-a-marole. - And now we can't get

a 7:30 start on a Sudbury Saturday night?

There's musical acts they just can't bump.

- Like who? - April Lavigne.

Avril Lavigne?

April.

It's a tribute act.

I'm Jory Jordan and this is the Sudbury Kids Sport Report

Europa Edition. I'm here with EU All-Stars

Carl Cederstrom, Gabo Ruzicka, and Aki Hakohrju.

A Swede, a Finn, and a Slovak walk into a bar...

And they're glad it's not a restaurant,

'cause the food over there sucks.

Carl, you're an NHL drafted Swedish goalie

with an Olympic gold medal.

You're battle tested in high-pressure situations.

How does it feel playing in Sudbury, Ontario

with nothing on the line whatsoever?

- Ya, thank you. - You're from Stockholm,

a place famous for the syndrome that keeps victims attached

to their captors. How's your wife, by the way?

- Ya. - Let's go to Gabo.

Slovakia's known for churning out lumbering defencemen

like Zdeno Chara and Erik Cernak.

You're a towering blue-liner yourself.

Describe for me the sense of pride that brings you

in a country otherwise known for nothing at all.

- Yes. - Slovakia borders Czechia

and Slovenia. Tell me,

which one's home to Count Chocula?

And finally, Aki Hakohrju.

Aki, hey, how are you? Happy, are you?

Aki, Finland's famous for its saunas,

and infamous for its alcoholism. Tell me,

what generation booze bag are you?

We got a fan question from all the way in Gothenburg.

Anders Forsling asks,

how many Finnish lagers does it take to accept

Sweden's dominance over you?

Last question here, guys, and we'll get you guys on your way.

The NOSHO North Stars will first face off

against the eight Apeldoorn brothers from Timmins.

Will you tune in to see the result of generations

and generations of inbreeding,

or do you see enough of that at home?

I'm Jory Jordan with the Sudbury Kids Sport Report

Europa Edition reminding you that "Nordic"

is just a letter or two away from "no dick."

" by Salute playing)

- Ten o'clock at night? - Or six o'clock in the morning.

Well, I never heard nothin' so bad as that.

Settle down.

We don't got our regular time,

we don't got our regular room.

Don't shoot the messenger, Hitch.

After doin' so good as what we done.

We did unbelievable.

Enough to make ya fall on your knees, b'y.

Okay, handsome man.

Lordy jumpin' Josephina.

No, this is no good anyway, b'ys.

- What? - You're not pissing.

Why are you mad, bro?

'Cause I was gonna come up behind you

and bash your head off the wall. - While I was pissing?

- Yeah it's called a potty kiss. - That's psycho, dude.

Well, that's what I have to do to win fights, fight dirty.

- You wanna fight me? - Guess I have to now.

- Let's go outside. - No, let's stay in here.

You want to fight in the bathroom?

Yeah, less room for you to use your reach.

Less people to see me get pumped.

- Oops. - Melanie?

- Melodie. - Wrong door.

- No, stay. - I'm not banging you

with someone else in here.

Oh, I thought you were just friends.

- Dolo and I-- - I don't care what you are.

It's none of my business. - You're right.

And who can keep up with you weirdos, anyway.

- He wants to fight me. - You want to fight him?

Well, it's not gonna be much of a fight.

He's a fuckin' giraffe. - Why?

'Cause I want our dressing room back.

If you win the fight, you get your dressing room back?

I'm not gonna win the fight. He's a fuckin' brontosaurus!

- You want the room? - The room,

like it's not our fuckin' room.

- Come to a game. - What game?

Our game. - Huh?

Sudbury 5.

You're called the Sudbury 5?

Yeah. - So dumb.

- What? - The Sudbury 5 sounds like

what a newspaper would call, like, some fuckin'

killers awaiting trial.

- No, it doesn't. - It does a bit.

The Sudbury 5 sounds like

some fuckin' bodies pulled from a lake.

Look we haven't won anything yet.

People here don't care about us. - Well,

one does by the looks of it. But you guys have won.

People know you, people love you.

If they see you out supporting us, they'll care.

Good deal, Shoresy.

I'll ask Santiago and Jorge to give the room

a good once over before you go in.

You mean Santiago and "George?"

- It's Jorge. - I thought it was, like,

George but spelled with a J.

You're an idiot.

You know their names, eh?

Trying to build a winning culture here, man.

- Deal. - Deal.

You got us the room.

That's wonderful.

That will be very nice for everyone.

Why are you talking about it

like it's bringing a box of Timbits

to a fuckin' bible study?

But the game will no longer be played at ten PM.

- Then when? - The only other option, idiot.

Six AM? Six AM?

- There's not enough players. - The Apeldoorns

can't make a ten PM game?

The Apeldoorns can. It's the other guys.

Holy fuck!

You wanted Du Kneynsberg, Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder,

Donkervoort, Stamsnider, Prinsen Geerlig,

Swellengrebel, and Heemskirk. - Yeah.

- Then it's six AM. - I don't wanna play at six AM.

Then you shouldn't have said no to Berkenbosch,

Van den Heide, Meulenbelt, Baarsma, Engelbrecht,

Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen, and Van Amelsvoort.

- What about the usual guys? - Who?

Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer, De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner,

Van Zandermeulen, De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten,

and Sollenbergerstadt. - They couldn't play

at ten PM or six AM.

- So it's fuckin' six AM? - If you want Du Kneynsberg,

Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder, Donkervoort, Stamsnider,

Prinsen Geerlig, Swellengrebel, and Heemskirk.

No one wants to play at six AM.

Then you shouldn't have said no to Berkenbosch,

Van den Heide, Meulenbelt, Baarsma, Engelbrecht,

Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen, and Van Amelsvoort!

And you're sure you can't get the other guys?

The other guys as in the usual guys?

Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer, De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner,

Van Zandermeulen, De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten,

and Sollenbergerstadt. - You said Berkenbosch,

Van den Heide, Meulenbelt, Baarsma, Engelbrecht,

Nieuwenkamp, Westhuizen and Van Amelsvoort

were too small. - Yeah.

You asked for bigger guys: Du Kneynsberg,

Maarschalkerweerd, Boekbinder, Donkervoort, Stamsnider,

Prinsen Geerlig, Swellengrebel, and Heemskirk.

- Yeah. - If that's who you want--

Yeah, if we can't get Blankenbiller, Klumpenhouwer,

De Bardeladen, Schowengerdtner, Van Zandermeulen,

De Rentmeester, Van Benschoten, and Sollenbergerstadt.

We can't.

See you at six AM.

Don't worry, he's just working a bit late.

Yeah, he texted me.

Call if he isn't home in a half hour.

I can never get the TV working.

He'll be there soon. Okay. Good night.

Love you. Love you.

Night, big boy! Night, Shoresy.

Night.

So they gave away your dressing room.

- Mm-hmm. - They gave away your ice times.

- Yup. - But Nat still gets to keep

her office? How do you figure?

'Cause broads get whatever they want these days.

Don't you read the news? - Shit end of the stick

for Jill in all this.

She had to come in and say,

"So your league folded, welp, get the fuck outta here."

Someone had to break it to us.

She's pretty hot, eh?

What do you wanna do about it?

That rink isn't even gonna be there that much longer,

ever think about that? Don't be a bully.

Life goes on.

Just didn't think they'd forget about us this fast.

Well, you'd better get over it.

You've got a game to play in like five hours.

You wanna get under the covers?

I don't think I can tonight.

Sorry, I'm just not in the mood.

Got a lot on my mind, you know?

I feel so ugly right now.

♪ Here we go yo, here we go yo ♪

♪ So what, so what so what's the scenario ♪

You were serious about that track suit, eh?

- It's a serious track suit. - I said not to wear it,

and you said-- - It's a different tracksuit.

- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is. It's lighter.

- That's hibiscus blue. - This is a dark celeste.

- Ya think? - And the last one

was a robin's egg blue. - It's a bleu de France.

- So dumb. - Looks more like

a Laguna teal to me. - Is everybody here?

- Everyone except Delaney. - Huh?

Yo!

You're late!

I'm right on time, cappy-tan.

If you're not ten minutes early, you're late.

He smells like a distillery.

You smell like the beer store.

He smells fuckin' disgusting.

Everything alright here, Shoresy?

Oh what, you never seen a stripper

at a hockey game before, Kyle?

Once in the Soo, actually.

- Have you even slept? - I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Get the fuck outta here, Delaney.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuckin' loser.

I fought three basketball players to be on this team.

Playing guilty is a performance enhancer.

- I like this guy. - Just say bye

to your friends and get dressed. - I still owe them 80 bucks

and well, they have to stay with me 'til I've paid them.

Oh, my God.

Well, don't give him money. He's not gonna learn anything.

Then what do you wanna do?

They have to stay with him 'til he's paid them?

- Yep. - Then they stay with him.

I'll give ya 80 bucks for a goal. Go get dressed.

With them? - No, with SpongeBob SquarePants.

Go get fuckin' dressed.

Yo, the Apeldoorns don't have a goalie.

- Where's Jonker? - Couldn't get out of chores.

- And Boomsma? - He's the one who wouldn't

let Jonker out of chores. - Well did ya try calling--

Everyone, yes. No one picked up.

- No one? - It's five in the fuckin'

morning, slut. And what's with the pastel rain blue?

What is it?

- It's bluebonnet. - Fine, our back-up

plays with the Apeldoorns. - No, he's too small.

We need someone big like the EU goalie.

Why? Practice how you play.

Might not play at all.

Cederstrom's here.

Well, we can't ask the EU goalie to play

for the Apeldoorns at the warm-up game.

- You need a big goalie. - Yeah.

There's one right there.

Cederstrom!

Cederstrom.

His English is bad. Speak to me.

- We don't have a goalie. - In Finland,

it's polite to introduce yourself before you speak.

- Fuck outta here. - I'm Shoresy. This is my brother Mo.

- Teppo Maki. - Tuna maki.

I coach the EU. Sushi maki.

This is Carl Cederstrom, Gabo Ruzicka, and Aki Hakohrju.

You don't have a goalie?

No, we have a goalie. The other team doesn't.

Okay. - So, if we don't find a goalie,

we can't play. - Put your back-up in.

He's like 5'5". Yes.

So, Cederstrom's like 6'8".

2.03 metres, yes.

We want our guys shooting on a big boy.

Why? - Practice how you play.

What if he gets hurt?

- He won't get hurt. - What if you get hurt?

- Yes, thank you. - Look, we'll...

We won't touch him.

We'll test him, but we won't touch him.

This would be a foolish decision.

You said you wanted a challenge.

- Yes. - You said you gain nothing

if you go home untested. Yes.

Put the big boy in net. You'll get your test.

Your word you won't run him.

This is so fuckin' embarrassing.

You gonna play him or not? - Your word.

You got it.

Uh-huh.

Well, it's six o'clock in the morning.

We're in the Sudbury 5 dressing room.

The other team didn't bring a goalie.

And there's two strippers here.

Put your fuckin' hand down Delaney,

or I'll boot ya straight in the head.

Now, we got that big cunt Cederstrom in net tonight.

- This morning. - Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

Let's put--

Sorry.

Let's put a ton of rubber on Cederstrom.

I wanna see him going down-up, down-up,

down-up all day. - I don't care if he's got

an Olympic gold cock, he gets tired like the rest of us.

Yeah, wear him out. He'll start makin' mistakes.

- Hit him with a ton of shots. - Yes, but under no circumstances

do you hit him with your stick or your body.

All right? No fuckin' digging out pucks,

no short cuts through the crease,

no forechecking him hard when he's behind the net.

Do not touch him. Not this game.

- Hmm. - Who said that?

Well don't everybody all answer at once.

- Sylvestri. - Huh?

- It was Sly. - Him?

- Yeah. - The Jims are tattlers, eh?

- You said "hmm?" - I did.

Huh? - I said "hmm."

- Why'd you say "hmm?" - I might run him.

But I just said don't run him.

Still, I might run him.

But I just said don't run him.

I can't help myself. Sometimes it just happens.

Well, it's not as if it's fuckin' premature ejaculation.

I know sitting here right now, I shouldn't,

but put a hockey stick in my hand,

and I become a completely different person.

I'd argue, but The Great One himself

acknowledged people like you. To me.

When I met him. Wayne Gretzky.

A gentleman. As you'd expect.

Now, for the rest of you...

Use this game to play your roles.

Do what you do best.

Cuz, you're gonna have to do it your absolute best

if we're going to beat the Euros.

What do you think, Mo? - Keep it simple.

How do we that, Dolo? - Kill some guys.

Goody? - Score some goals.

- What do you think, Hitch? - Make sure they never forgets

who we are, b'ys. - Boys, we're gonna have

the Euros in the stands tonight. - It's this morning.

- Shut the fuck up, Michaels. - Okay.

Let's make sure they know

what they're in for next game. All right?

- Yeah. - Let's show 'em who we are.

- Yeah. - All right? Let's fuckin' go.

Here we go, boys!

Hold up, hold up, hold up.

Ice isn't ready. - What?

The tractor hasn't even gone on yet.

It's like five to six.

Well, Kev doesn't get in 'til six.

Fuck.

Well, how much time do we have?

- I'd say ten minutes. - Huh?

- I'd say a good ten minutes. - Hmm.

Nail biter. Barn burner.

Could only get one in on the Apeldoorns.

Nothing to see here. Everything's fine.

Would have loved to give the hometown fans

something to cheer for. - Oh, quit whining. Get over it.

They were electric.

Who do you expect to come to a six AM game?

- Someone. - An exhibition game.

- One or two people. - Really?

Yes, I expected one or two.

But no one.

Just like that, we're history.

We won't be playing the EU here.

- What? - Not at six AM or ten PM,

that's for damn sure.

- Well then where? - I'll figure something out.

Go home and get out of that stupid track suit.

- It's iconic. - Put on something nice

for the Sudbury 5 game. - Oh, for fuck's sake.

Time to hold up your end of the bargain, coach.

- Not tonight. - Come on.

The Sudbury 5 sounds like

a fuckin' motel attached to a gas station.

Let's just get it over with.

Told you they'd have a good crowd.

Something to remind you of the good old days.

Yeah, just like old times.

Thanks for ditching the cornflower blue.

It's ultramarine.

Hey, it's the Bulldogs.

Yeah, boys!

Let's go! Smash the EU! You know what to do!

There they are.

Forgot to tell you.

I found us a venue for the game.

What rink?

An outdoor one.

difuze