All language subtitles for Martian.Child.2007.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Uh... oh, no.

I suppose there's one
in every group,

One oddball who never fits in.

- Let's go get him.
Come on.

Well, that was me.

- Aah!
- David Gordon.

I found my escape
through my stories.

My imagination was a...
was like a rocket ship...

that took me far away
where I could look at life

from a safe distance which, I
guess, is what I...

I now do in my books.

As unlucky
as I was in childhood...

I was very, very lucky
as a writer.

Um, so instead of becoming a
well-adjusted, normal person

I became a kind of a deranged,
successful person.

And I'm not sure
which is preferable.

But it doesn't really matter
'cause you don't get to choose.

But to answer your original
question more directly...

Yes, I do believe
that in every work of fiction...

there is one character that,
for the author...

is in some ways
autobiographical...

and that certainly holds true
for Dracoban.

You know, like in a dream,
one character, um,

usually represents you...

but in this case,
it's not who you'd expect...

um, because, you see,
I'm not the human.

I'm the creature.

Is that good?

David.

Hey, Harlee.

Thought I might see you
here today.

Yeah. I thought
I might see you, too.

Sweet of you to come.

Yeah, I think...
I think we spent...

almost every single birthday
together since the third grade.

Hi, Somewhere.

Somewhere's happy to see you.

So what do you think, honestly?

Are you kidding?
I love the idea

of you adopting a child.

I think it's so beautiful
for you

to open up your heart like that.

Liz thinks I'm crazy, you know?

I mean, what if she's right,
you know?

What if I'm...
What if I'm not up to it?

Let me tell you something.
My mother raised five kids,

and never, for one second...

did she question whether
she was cut out to be a parent.

And she was great, right?

No, the worst.

Her shrink has a house
in Laguna because of her.

Oh.

Just the fact that you're even
asking yourself the question...

pretty much proves
you're qualified.

Most people spend
more time worrying about

how to raise tomatoes
than they do their own kids.

Can you even imagine how happy
Mary would be about this?

Yeah, but that's not
a good enough reason to do it.

You've got a lot of love
left in your heart.

She always said you'd make a
terrific dad.

Yeah, but she also said I was
gonna win

the Nobel Prize for literature.

Yes, and she also said that you
snore,

and that you can't
balance your checkbook...

It's all true.

But that you're great in bed.

You better come back
here!

- Hi, David.
- Hi.

Hi, Sophie.
It's been a long time.

Yeah, yeah, been a few years.

You look well.

Thanks. You, too.

Come on, throw the ball!

Just not ready to commit
to something like this.

I'm sorry.

Didn't you know I was gonna
ask you

something like this?

Didn't want to say no
over the phone.

- Right.
- It didn't seem right.

I'm really sorry.

Hi.

What's your name?

Esther.

Hi, Esther.

I know who you are.

- You do?
- You're the man who Sophie called about Dennis...

but you don't want him
'cause your wife's dead.

Who told you that?

Dennis.

Jesus.

Jesus is important. But other
religions are just as relevent.

Esther, do me a favor.

When you become president,
please don't take away

my Social Security.

Are you a friend of his,
or what?

No. He's a weirdo.

He doesn't have any friends.

He doesn't?

Where is he hangin' out?

He's in the box.

He doesn't come out until night.

Why does he do that?

The sun. He hates the sun.

Why does he hate the sun?

I don't know. Because he thinks
it's too sunny?

Right.

I told him you were weird.

He is in the box.

Oh! Man! Ooh!

But I don't understand...

Why did she call you
in the first place?

Well, she thought she had
found a good match for him.

Aren't, like, single men like
the bottom of the totem pole?

Hey, I am not a single man.

I am a widower...

and that is
the worst of all worlds.

I am in the ground
below the totem pole.

Oh, wow, you know what? I think
it was really insensitive of her

to call in the first place. I
mean, it's only been two years.

- Oh! Oh!
- Hey!

- Guys, get off the dog.
- We're just playing.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

That dog is like
200 years old in human...

Would you do that to Grandma?

Guys, get off!

They drive me nuts,
and they're mine.

I mean, I don't know why
Mary even wanted to adopt.

Well, she was adopted herself
and, you know...

Yeah, but it was something
you were gonna do together...

- and, you know.
- Yeah. Yeah.

But, hey, it's not gonna happen.

You're like preaching
to the converted.

Okay. Good. Because,

here's a voice from the
trenches.

"Parenting is really hard."
All right?

It's hard, and you need
at least two people.

Well, you know,
we had Mom and Dad.

We had two people,
and they hated being parents.

I'm just saying there
are no guarantees.

There's plenty
of single parents.

All right. Well, I don't want
to see you get hurt.

I mean, you could have
a kid of rage or something.

Kid of rage?

Yeah, well, there was some TV
movie...

and they were crazy.

Listen, I got to go take
The Omen One and Two...

to soccer practice, okay?

So just stay here.
You made the right choice.

That was a good decision, okay?
Have some coffee

or some food or something.
We have snacks.

Hey, I miss her, too.

Somewhere a dog barked...

and then he licked his privates.

What do you think, Somewhere?

You think we could do it alone?

Huh?

Anybody home?

Uh, listen, Chief, I, uh...

I brought you some sun block...

very strong stuff.

SPF 45...
That's sun protection factor...

and, uh, helps you against
the ultraviolet rays...

which are... You know,
they call them the UV rays.

Anyway, it's hypoallergenic
and waterproof.

Just leave it for you.

- Hi, Sophie, how you doin'?
- Not bad.

You good?

Good.

Didn't expect
to see you back here.

Yeah, I wanted to bring
the kid some sun block.

Oh.

What was that?

It's his Polaroid.

He likes taking pictures.

There's no film in it.
He's just... ha...

likes taking pictures.

Hmm.

Just as a point of interest...

what made you think
I'd be a good match

for a boy who spends
most of his time in a box?

He thinks
he's from another planet.

Yah! Aah!

Aah!

Yah! Unh!

- Cut!
- Looks great.

Looks great, guys.
Thank you.

- We're going in.
- So, buddy, what do you think?

- Where is the pathos?
- What?

Dude, where is the pathos?

The Earl of Dracoban is dying.

- This is a guy...
- Buddy!

Who has fought his way
across the galaxy.

Lostupon... Lostupon
was a blue dwarf

that became a red giant.

It's the red dwarf phase
of the giant.

What are you talk...
Look, I don't know

what I'm talkin' about.
But this I do know...

I see a production that is
honoring the world of your book.

Really,
takin' it very seriously.

That's what I see.
Speaking of your book...

Guess who I got
a call from today?

Your publisher, our publisher.

- Tina.
- Tina.

Did she ask you how The Revenge
of Dracoban is coming?

No, she shouted it.

Ah.

You know what the problem is?

When I wrote the novel...

there's this giant massacre
at the end and everybody dies.

- I know.
- All the characters are dead.

I know. I sold it.

It's a problem.

That's great.

Let's move on
to the master scene.

What am I gonna tell Tina?

Tell Tina that somewhere in
the deepest, darkest bowels...

of Castle Zeptar,
the earl's necromancers...

are bringing him back
to life against his will...

if that's possible.
Is that any good?

Sure.

Lighting!

Good morning!
Your sword!

Move ahead!

It says, "Fragile. Handle with
Care" for God's sake.

David...
And, hello, Earth to David.

A kid who sits
in a box all day...

is a giant red flag, all right?

It's like the equivalent
of buying a used car...

and ignoring the oil spill
in the driveway.

You know, for a non-writer
you're becoming the queen...

- of the muscular analogy.
- Okay.

Listen, the thing about kids...

and I wouldn't trade
mine for the world...

is that they keep comin'
at you, all right?

They're...
They're like mosquitoes...

suckin' the life out of you.

They take away your life,
your privacy, your identity.

You should work
for Planned Parenthood.

You joke.

You forget that whole shelf-full
of books you wrote...

or your knowledge
of California wines...

or that you ever ran a marathon.

All right,
here's the thing, Liz.

I never ran a marathon.

I don't want to run a marathon.
I want to do something...

meaningful, you know?

And I get all
the arguments against it.

I even get the one that says
"I don't know if I want to bring

another kid into this world."

But how do you argue
with the logic...

of loving one
that's already here?

Trans fobo medio.
Trans fobo medio.

Trans fobo medio.

- Dennis!
- Tran fobo medio.

Dennis, what are you doing?

- It's raining!
- I'm waiting for David.

What?

The man with UV protection.

Come in.

Get over here!

Ahem, anybody in there?

Brought you somethin'.

Those really help
cut out the glare...

in your ongoing battle
with the sun.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Quality throw, chief.

Nice to see ya.

Very nice to see ya, actually.

He's not a puppy
in a window, you know?

I know.

All right, catch it, catch it.

- Go for it.
- Okay.

You see, he's been abandoned,
emotionally abused...

he's classified
as "hard to place."

He's... He's never
had a family of his own.

I know, but am I
the right person for him?

You know, I'm just a writer.

He's seen a lot of doctors,
if that's what you mean.

That's not what he needs.

Oh, you!

At least tell me
what you're thinkin'.

I'm thinking I must be
out of my mind.

I see you remembered
your sunscreen.

You know, it works just as good
if you don't put so much on.

Is that your weight belt?

Earth's gravity is weak.

Mars is constantly
pulling me back.

So without all that stuff...

you think you'd just float away?

Uh-huh.

That ever happen before?

Yes.

When?

With another mommy and daddy.

Sophie, someone

- stole my ice cream!
- Hey! Wait up!

Uh, uncommunicative...

a tendency to steal things...

inability to form
personal attachments...

or distinguish
between right and wrong...

and he thinks...

He thinks he's from outer space.

Not to put too sharp
a point on it...

but I think he thinks
he's from Mars.

How do you plan to deal
with that, Mr. Gordon?

Fantasy is my business.

It's... It's what
I do for a living.

And one of the things
I've learned about fantasy...

uh... in my own life...

is that it can be
a survival technique...

you know, kind
of a coping mechanism...

a way to deal with problems
that are bigger than you...

bigger than you're...

you're capable of dealing with.

Uh, so, uh, you know...

the... the... the short answer
is, um, you know...

try to find that balance
between socializing him...

and letting him be who he is.

So, um, you know...

um, so, you know,
on the one hand...

uh, help him out
as much as I can...

and on the other hand,
uh, if he wants to...

If this little guy wants to believe
he's from another planet...

you know, I mean,
who am I to argue?

This isn't science fiction.
This isn't a short story.

Very often, with our children...

we don't get to have
a second draft.

Yeah.

A single man raising
a child with problems...

that are not common,
that are not easy...

you're gonna need
all kinds of help.

You'd need to include us...

- Mm-hmm.
- Include me.

Does anybody have anything?

No.

We're gonna take some time
and think about this.

Thank you, Mr. Gordon.

We'll let you know.

Hello.

Hey, man, what's up?

How's things on the planet?

Go away.

What?

- Hello.
- Hey.

Liz, I can't talk right now.

I'm waitin' for the call.

- But you have call waiting.

But I don't trust it.

Your uncle is nuts.

Hello.

Really?

Yes!

Oh, my God.

Thanks for comin'
out here with me today.

It's pretty.

I thought you'd like it.
It's cool.

I like the holding-down belt.

You can wear
the holding-down belt...

all day long if you like.

Listen, Dennis, Mr. Lefkowitz

said you can come live
in my house if you want.

It'll only be temporary
at first...

but if you like it,
you could stay.

I eat Lucky Charms.

I am a big believer
in a substantial breakfast.

Get your suitcase for you.

I got it.

Okay.

Go ahead.

You can cut through here.

Oh, right over here.

Yeah, yeah.

This way, young squire.

Hey, Somewhere!

Hey, Somewhere,
Somewhere, down, boy.

Down, boy. Hey, sorry.
That's just Somewhere.

It's just his way
of saying hello.

We don't have those
where I come from.

You're not a dog person, huh?

I'm just waiting
for the boys to get home.

Well, what is he doing now?

He's just...
He's just in his room.

Should I give him
some space or go in there?

I'll call you back.
I'll call you back.

This is kind of an a...
of an interesting thing.

It's a special night light.

But as you can see, it has
pictures of the planets...

and the solar systems...

and, you see, they
kind of spin around.

It's got mirrors.

And lights on the bottom
and pictures.

That's not right.

Yeah?

Well, what do you mean?

You'll have to
make the ceiling bigger...

and you'll have to make
your planet like this.

You're...
You're absolutely right.

For the...
For it to be accurate...

the ceiling would have to be,
I don't know, 100 feet long...

and the earth
would be the size of a pea.

Very, very good.

How do you know
that much about scale?

It took a very long time
to get here.

A very, very, very
long time to get here.

You can get rid of some of
those old clothes if you want.

Or we can keep that old stuff...

till it literally disintegrates
and falls off your body.

That's a good way to go, too.

That's kinda cool.

I used to be good
at video games.

It's not a game.

It's not?

Whatever it is, it's cool.

Should I close the door... or should
I just leave it open or halfway?

Leave it open?

Mid-way?

Just think of it
as a bigger box.

All right, Dennis, I think
you're gonna enjoy this.

But, listen, before we eat,
rules of the house...

first rule,
no girls after 10 P.M.

Just kidding on that one.

Uh... the first rule
is that there...

There really aren't
any rules, you know?

Just maybe
some basic stuff about...

Oh!

Better put a sticker
there, I guess.

Listen, maybe we can,
uh, have a...

I don't know,
more of a guideline...

more than a rule,
that we don't...

um, wear
the sunglasses indoors...

just for navigational purposes.

I mean, this is
a grilled cheese sandwich.

Uh, I made you a grilled cheese
sandwich

'cause I love grilled
cheese sandwiches.

I think that they're,
you know,

an American classic.

I used to eat these a lot
when I was a kid.

I loved 'em.

I eat Lucky Charms.

Yeah, sure, for breakfast,
you can have Lucky Charms...

or maybe some granola or yogurt,
any kind of cereal.

That sounds great.

So, anyway, bon appétit.

Try that.

I eat Lucky Charms.

Oh, here we go.

Look at that.

All right, let's get more
because

you know,
you never know.

We gotta stock up.

Never know if there's
gonna be the avian bird flu...

or bubonic plague...

or any other sort of pandemic
is gonna come along...

and really wreck your day.

Want to make sure
you have the right supplies.

This stuff has...
This stuff has gotta have...

a shelf life
of about 33,000 years.

If anything happened...

the, um, apocalypse,
the four horsemen show up...

this stuff is still
magically delicious.

We're Lucky Charms guys.

Mary?

Dennis, are you OK?
What are you doin'?

Watching you.

Oh!

It's a little late for that.

Dennis?

Dennis, what are you doin'?

Come on, let's...
Let's put the camera away.

Dennis, please. Let's put the camera away.
Come on now.

Beware!
I almost Disney-grated you.

You almost disintegrated me?
Why would you want to do that?

Hey, it's the, um... ahem.

It's the middle
of the night, chief.

What are you doin'
with all these pictures?

- And what are you doin' up?
- Learning.

Learning? Learning what?

How to be a human
and part of a family.

I think you speak
for a lot of us there.

Um...

That's very good.

That's very realistic.

Um, maybe we ought to
pick this up in the morning...

over a bowl of Lucky Charms,
what do you say?

Maybe we should go to bed now.

Yeah, yeah, I saw that.
That's a very good expression.

- Yeah?
- Yes, Mr. Gordon.

- Hi, Mr. Lefkowitz...
- Wh-What? Who?

This is Mr. Lefkowitz
from Children's Services.

Oh, hi. Hello, sir.
How are you?

Well, good.

More to the point, how are you?

Couldn't be better.
Couldn't be better.

Good. How's Dennis?

Is there anything
we should talk about?

Mr. Gordon?

- Hello, Mr. Gordon.
- Uh, yeah. I'm here.

Yeah, hi.
I was asking if... if...

Do you have any concerns about Dennis
that you'd like to talk about?

No, no. Everything's going great.
Couldn't be better, sir.

Hmm...

I think it's time to get
you out of the house.

Listen, imagination
is a rare commodity.

Dennis has the soul
of an artist.

He could grow up
to be, you know...

become a prodigy like...
You saw Amadeus.

He could be a little Mozart
in waiting for all you know.

Mom, he's being gross.

- Come on.
- Guys, let it go, OK?

Remember? It all ends up
in the same place, right?

Come on, guys.

I mean, I want to be sensitive,
but he's a mess.

Hey, that's sensitive?

- You should hear blunt.
- No, but really.

Listen, my point is that
not everybody is born to be...

a go-with-the-flow,
happy little Gap-kid.

Right now, it looks like
he's gonna grow up

to be Tiny Tim
with a ukulele, all right?

What, are you
breeding geniuses now?

Mozart, by the way, died in
a hovel at 27, drunk and...

Unspecified fever at 35.

Stuff like that.

Sure, we all enjoyed his music,
but did he enjoy himself?

- Give me a chance.
- You know, David,

as far as I'm concerned they're all
from Mars. At least your kid admits it.

See, this is a smart man.
That's the correct answer, man.

- Smart man. Right.
- You married a smart man.

I know.
I agree they're all from Mars.

Strike two!

Two and two the count

as Bobby Miller gets
ready for the pitch.

Here we go.

Strike three!

That was a nice strike-out, huh?

It's called a strike-out. It's
pretty cool, huh? You want a peanut?

You know what's really
cool about baseball?

You know what I love
about baseball?

Baseball is the only sport...

where you can fail 70 percent
of the time and still be great.

It's about trying hard and
never, ever, ever givin' up.

Just think about it. If you get a
hit three out of every 10 times

you're at bat,
you're really good.

If you do a little bit
better than that...

just a little bit better than that...
maybe 3.2, 3.3 times...

you're great,
and you could be a star.

And you're gonna make it
to the Big Show.

And if you do that on the Big Show...
you're a superstar.

Superstars don't exist.

Only supernovas or white dwarfs.

I deserve you. I really do.

You're out.

This guy doesn't look
like much of a hitter.

But we believe, don't we?

Come on, now!

Strike three!

It's not lookin' pretty. We're down by
seven runs. We're not hittin' a lick.

Come on, batter. We need a hit.

Right on the ball!

Yeah!

There you go. Got a single.
Get something started.

- I did it.
- You did what?

I made a Martian wish.

You made a...

You made a Martian wish?

Yeah.
Martians can wish for stuff.

- Like hits?
- Whatever.

You know, sometimes I make Earth wishes...
but they don't always work out.

Well, listen, since you're
in the wishing mode...

see this guy comin' up
to the plate?

Wish for a home run.

Go! Go! Go!

That ball is gone!

Want him to win?

Unbelievable. What an
awesome display of power.

You're a prognosticator,
you're a scholar...

and now you're a baseball
fanatic, and I like it.

...all the way back to 1973.

Let's hear it for those
Coal Miners. Now...

Unbelievable game.
Unbelievable game.

This isn't looking pretty.

Do you know we spend
an average of two weeks

in a lifetime waiting
for traffic lights?

I remember when all these
lights were timed, you know,

when they were synchronized? And you could
just find this little seam in the universe...

and float through.

Wow. Did you see that?

Yup. I just gave you three
minutes of your life back.

Well, thank you.
I'll use them wisely.

Do that again.

- Nope.
- Why?

'Cause you don't want
to or 'cause you can't?

I only have
so many Martian wishes.

That's fair.

But if you want,
I can give you one.

Who wouldn't want one?

There, I just gave you
a Martian wish.

Don't waste it.

I absolutely won't. I promise.

I'll use it for something
really important.

That was really intense.

You're just a freaky
little dude, man.

Hey, Somewhere.

- This is Harlee.
- Hi.

She's... She's our good
friend, me and Somewhere.

She helped design
this whole garden, so...

Nice frame.

I've heard a lot about you.

You want to say hi?

- No?
- It's OK.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

- Isn't he wild?
- He's great, like a little Andy Warhol.

He has the same social
skills, by the way.

You know what I think it is?

- What?
- He's an old soul.

What does that mean?

Seriously.

It just means
he's figured it out.

You're one relentlessly
sunny individual.

Yeah, well, I don't
always wake up that way.

And that is what
we so admire about you.

This particular move here
that he's got goin'...

can't be sanitary or safe.

- He likes to vacuum.
- No, no, no, he thinks he is the vacuum.

There's a difference, see?

That's so Zen.

It is, kind of, isn't it?

Yeah.

See? More sunshine.

Keep your hips towards me,
though, if you can.

Just move this foot
a little towards me.

No, no, not
that part of your hips.

Just square yourself up this
way. Right like that, right?

And then hand on the bat and,
remember, you're gonna step forward.

When you hit the ball,
you can yell, "Hot coffee!"

Say it.

- Hot coffee!
- Say, "Hot coffee!"

All right, forget it.

Seven out of ten times
you can fail...

but you're still a star.
A little better than that...

you'll go to the Big Show
for a cup of coffee.

- I like this game.
- I know. It's good, right?

It's a great game.
So, eye on the ball and swing.

That was a little late.

Watch the ball hit the bat.

Watch. Just have your eyes
go right there.

What is with your pitching?

Here we go. That was
a little too early.

- But it was so good.
- Yeah.

It was a good form.

Almost, Dennis, that was nice.

All right now,
with fierce determination.

Want to see you,
you know, just groove on it.

You know, get a little attitude.
You know, a little swagger.

You touch the plate.
Come on, you're a lefty.

You're weird, you're eccentric,
nobody understands you.

You don't
even understand yourself.

You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about. Yeah.

Now hands back,
give me the eagle eye.

- I'm scared.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.

Oh! Oh!

Hot coffee!

Hot coffee.

Oh! Hot coffee!

Yeah, you drove it
down the line.

That's a fair ball! Run!

- Run! Run, Dennis!
- Fair ball! Run!

Drop the bat and run. Run.

Run!

- Dennis, run.
- Go, run! Run!

- Come on!
- Run! Quick!

Come on now.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

What was that for?

'Cause they're giving medals
to all the wrong guys.

Hello, my name is Jeff.

Hey, buddy.

I'm a friend of your...
David's...

um, and I have
this present for you.

- You're his agent.
- Yes, I am.

Wow, that's, pfft, very good.
I'm impressed.

Where is, um, David?
Is he inside?

Is he inside?

Is he writing?
Is he writing inside?

OK, buddy, listen, I'm...

- Hey, Jeff!
- Hey, buddy, how are ya?

Good to see you.
You met Dennis, huh?

Yeah, we've just been
getting to know each other.

If he gets hungry... Lucky
Charms all night long, right?

Lucky Charms.

Knuckles?

He's not...
It takes a while.

Hi. We're gonna go.

See you, buddy.
Nice to see ya.

God, I'm so proud of you, man...

- Yeah.
- Re-entering your life... fantastic.

It's not going very well.

Buddy, you know what?

There is a long
and proud tradition

of asking for help
in the form of a nanny.

- No!
- There's absolutely...

No, there's no shame in that.

I'm not talking about...
I'm not talking about Dennis.

He's fine. I'm talking
about, you know...

the book's not going
particularly well.

What... What's, um... What's
going on with the book?

Does that mean like...
sagging-in-the-middle not good or what?

Like the ending? You havin' a
hard time noodling the ending?

Can I help you? Is there
anything I can help...

No, no, it's just that there's an essential
idea... I haven't come to grips with.

But you know the great
thing about Dennis?

He is a fountain of ideas.

He is challenging all
my assumptions, all of them...

every one of them,
and I am going with it.

I just got to learn
to be a little less rigid.

- Or a little more rigid.
- Yup, it's great.

I'm so excited...

that you're figuring out
the rigidity...

but, buddy, I am livin' The Revenge
of Dracoban on a daily basis...

and the forces of darkness
are closin' in on me, man.

Tina's coming to town. Yeah, she's
havin' a big black tie party for you...

- and she expects you
- Party?

To ritualistically
hand over to her...

the first draft ever written...

of The Revenge of Dracoban
Part Two, the sequel.

- When?
- About six weeks from now.

- You know, so that's it.
- When?

January 28th.
She's doing it January 28th.

What is the significance
of that date?

I don't know. She's doing a book
signing or something that night.

The book signing at the...

Jesus Christ!
I got to get a sitter!

Buddy, are you losin' your mind?

- No.
- Because if you are...

I just need
a little bit of lead time.

Don't you think
I deserve that...

- after all these years?
- Don't worry.

You sure you don't want me
to come in with you?

- Yes.
- Yes, come in?

No. Don't come in.

Don't come in.

- You need the umbrella?
- Yes.

And the weight belt's
an absolutely essential item?

Uh-Huh.

OK. You're gonna have...

That's all you got to do, OK?

Hey, Zack,
you wanna play football?

Hey, retard.

You little punks.

- Oh Jesus!
- Sir, is there a problem?

Uh, no, no, no... not at...
I'm just here to watch.

Yeah, that's a problem.

No, no, no. This is
a total misunderstanding.

This is not
what it appears to be.

Do you... I'm a new parent.

That... That...
He's my... He's my son...

and it's his first day...
and I was really concerned.

- I came to check on my daughter.
- Oh.

That's my baby
right there in the brown.

- Driving the, uh...
- Mm-hmm.

Which one's yours?

Over off on the side there...
hanging upside down.

- Weirdo.
- I know.

- Good luck to you, sir.
- Yeah.

He says he's counteracting
Earth's gravitational pull

because it impedes
the blood flow to his brains.

That's what the yogis believe.

Yogis don't have to
go to second grade.

Hey, there's no harm
in being a little eccentric.

This I know.

So, he thinks he's from Mars,

and you write about Mars,
that's great.

A little Martian chose you
to teach him about being human.

Come on. He came to earth
to document our existence.

Listen, when I was 11 years old,
I saw The Sound of Music

and from that moment on,
I was convinced

I was the lost von Trapp sister.

You?

I was always waiting for Julie
Andrews to turn up with her guitar

and get me the hell
out of West Covina.

Yeah, but did you go
to school in lederhosen?

- Yes, I did.
- That's a good look for you.

- He's a sweet little boy...
- Yeah.

But, uh,
he's not like the others.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

The, uh, social worker says he has
above average intelligence...

but, you know, I guess it just
takes time for him to adjust.

He steals
from the other children.

Steals?

We find things in his cubby:
Shoes, pencils, retainers.

Um, you know, Dennis
has a really curious mind...

and I think
he just really needs...

You know, if it were only...

If it were only
about the stealing

but Dennis needs
special attention...

that we're simply
not equipped to offer here.

What do you mean
you're not equipped to offer?

- I'm sorry.
- About what?

What are you saying? You're
saying you're throwing him out?

Well, that's really...

That's really cold.

- Mr. Gordon.
- Hi.

Dennis and I had
a nice, long chat.

Good. How'd that go, pal?

I'm an intelligent being.

- I completely agree.
- Yeah.

Um, why don't you and I chat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You want to wait here?

What do I do for Dennis?
I mean, to...

Do what you're doing.

Just, you know,
you got to give this some time.

You know, Doctor,
I'm really concerned.

I mean, he's not
making any friends

and he's not relating
to me particularly well...

and he just got expelled
from school for stealing

and he's a very
isolated little guy.

And when he, uh, you know,
when he's vulnerable

and scared like that,
I just...

I mean, when he tells me
he thinks he's gonna float away.

He probably thinks he's gonna float
away because he's very smart...

and he sees that
he's living in a world...

where things
and people do disappear.

I could give him a prescription,
but, honestly, I...

I think that seeing how
another intelligent being...

keeps his feet on the ground

would be far more
therapeutic for Dennis.

Mr. Gordon, all parents

feel like they're
the blind leading the blind.

Sure.

Listen, pal, I got to talk
to you about something.

Um, after Christmas break,
we're gonna start a new school.

And I want to see
how you feel about it...

because that can be kinda scary,
startin' a new school...

and, you know, your teacher
thinks it's a good idea...

and... and... and so do I.

And, um...

Uh...

It's good
to measure things, huh?

Anyway, how do you
feel about it?

You OK to take a fresh start?

Take a fresh run
at a new school?

Would you be up for that?

Hmm?

What are you looking at?

That's where they found me...

on the grass
by the big, round building.

It was raining.

You know what's weird
is that was so long ago...

I would think
you couldn't remember it.

I couldn't, so how could you?

They'll come back
someday to get me.

- Like, like summer camp?
- You don't believe me.

So Martians
can read minds, too, huh?

Martians can do lots
of things you can't.

Besides changing traffic lights,
what can you do?

We can taste color.

OK.

You can taste color.

Prove it to me.

Off with the glasses,
close your eyes.

They said this would happen.

Open up.

Open... Don't...
You were lookin'.

You were totally lookin'.

Right, open up. Here we go.

What color is it?

Red.

All right,
but that one doesn't count...

because we had obvious
ethical complications.

Open up.

- Green.
- Very good.

Open up.

Yellow.

Yes, it was.

This one?

Well?

I can't taste it.

- It's blue.
- I know. I can't taste blue.

A little too bright?

Shade it back up.

Come, Flomar.

Did you just call Somewhere
"Flomar"?

It's Martian
for "warm, furry friend."

He picked it.

Oh.

All right. You want to get
a glass of water for you?

Where do you...
Where do you want him to sit?

Hey, it doesn't matter.
Anywhere you want.

Be laissez-faire
about it, right?

OK, does he have turkey or
should I get some Lucky Charms?

I don't know.
Ask boy wonder over there.

OK.

Hey. Hey, Dennis.

Do you want to have
some turkey with us?

I can't eat anything
grown on Saturn's moons.

- Hmm.
- Well, then, I think you're safe here.

That'll be great.
OK, buddy?

You ever notice how far apart
his eyes are actually set?

- No.
- Or that his ears are just a little bit pointy?

Little bit.

David?

All this time I was thinking

- that I was no good as a father, right?
- Uh-huh.

And that, you know, I was working
the Mars as a metaphor angle.

But then I was thinking to myself...
what if that's not it?

What if he actually
really is imbued, you know...

with some special...

You know,
he could be a little medium.

- David, you're hysterical.
- I know.

See, everybody says,
"Don't be hysterical."

But I say,
"Why not be hysterical?"

Hysterical is the new calm.

My wife dies, boom... I go out
and I adopt a kid from Neptune.

Should I just chill,
or should I be hysterical?

You tell me. I think
hysteria is a way of life.

It's a clothing line at least.

I could stop writing...
not that I'm writing anyway.

David, I'm...
I'm worrying about you.

Why?

Because I think
what's really going on here

is you guys
are really struggling.

You think I don't know that?

I know that.

You know, you're still
in a trial period.

I mean, you can...

You can return him like
a defective toaster, right?

Is that what you mean?

I... I guess what
I'm trying to say is that I...

I know you see
a lot of yourself in him...

but, David, I was there.

You were weird,
and you had problems...

but this kid
is in a whole other league.

You know, what is
so amazing about you...

is that you're right.

You're always right... and you
remember when you're right

and you never let
anybody else forget it.

I'm gonna just go out
for a minute.

Hey, come on, Dennis.

Let's get out of here.

Gee, this was fun, huh?

- A little later...
- David?

I can make you some
Lucky Charms or something.

- David? David, don't.
- That's OK.

- Come on, it's Christmas.
- Well, you know, whatever.

- Of course, it is.
- You know?

Where... Where you going?

David?

Come on.

Hey.

Come on. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean...

Well, "trial period,"
is that a code?

- OK.
- Some kind of code? 'Cause you said that.

- I know.
- I... You know what?

- I, I, I...
- Everything's OK. Everything's cool.

- I was just trying...
- You know, I'm just tired.

I'm just tired.

But it's Christmas, David.

- No. We'll come over tomorrow.
- Just relax.

We'll come over tomorrow, OK?

Jesus! Dennis!

Was I bad?

No, you weren't bad and you got
to stop saying that, all right?

I don't want you
to cut your feet.

And Daddy's...

I'm in here working.

We got to put this camera away
for a little while, OK?

But I haven't finished
my mission.

Well, you have for today.

But I haven't
finished my mission!

Give me my camera back!
I need it!

Hey, you got to calm down.

I have to go to work,
or you can go to your room.

You're gonna send me away,
aren't you?

Dennis,
why would I send you away?

Because you're mad at me
because I broke your stuff.

Dennis, I don't care
about any of that stuff.

This is stuff.

There's nothing you can do that
would ever change the way I feel.

Do you understand?

Not gonna ever send you away.

Look, this is just stuff.

Come on, break it
like you mean it.

One more.

Let it go, buddy.

Here's two. Oh, just one.

Nice one! Over the head,
over the head, big time.

Like the Greeks.

That feels so good.

No, not that plate! I got an
idea, but we'll still have fun.

We'll still have fun.

I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to have...

I'm just trying to have...
I'm so sorry.

I was just trying
to have fun, buddy.

What's that laugh?

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my, oh!

I will wail on you!
This is war!

- This is war!
- Whoa!

Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Uh, just stay here.

Psst psst...

Hey, Mr. Lefkowitz,
uh, come on in.

Uh, what a surprise.
Happy holidays.

Thank you. You, too.

Uh, we were just,
uh, having, uh...

just having some fun.
Sort of a, uh...

It's a breakthrough,
you could say.

Nice to see you. Very, uh, vigilant
of you to come during the holidays.

I heard there was
a little trouble at school.

Just a little trouble. Nothing
we can't handle. Right?

Would you mind very much if
Dennis and I went up to his room?

Maybe he could show me his room.
We could chat for a bit.

No, I wouldn't mind.
Would you mind?

Would that be OK, Dennis?

I think it's OK with Dennis.

Good.
Where's your room, Dennis?

It's downstairs.
He'll show you.

Thank you.

- Following you.
- Jesus Christ...

Everything is...

Everything all right?

Hey, you knew about this stuff?

Uh, we're just
gonna turn that off real quick.

Yeah, yeah, sure,
we're, we're, um...

Have you seen this?

Yeah, yeah,
I know all about this.

This is a science project
that we're working on.

Kind of a whole transformation
and decay kind of a thing.

We take all the stuff from the house
and we put it in the baggies.

We take photos of it, and we put
it away then we come back to it.

Uh, Dennis and I...
Uh, Dennis mostly...

He'd study how it's...

- See, we're doin' it right now.
- Car keys.

- Sure.
- You know, car keys.

- Yours?
- Yeah, they are.

- Passport, yours?
- I knew about that, too.

It's amazing how much
a passport can decay.

Everything's good. Everything's fine here.
Everything's great.

We just try
to do the things and see...

how they have transformed
and decayed or not.

- If...
- Sometimes they don't.

- We could just talk in private.
- Yeah.

Good. Excuse us
one second, Dennis.

- Outside.
- Please.

I'm just a little bit
concerned here, Mr. Gordon.

You seem to suffer
from a syndrome

many adopting parents
experience.

Shock?

You're so eager to become
the child's friend...

you forget to be a parent.

And Dennis needs
a parent right now.

He needs a strong role model.

He needs someone
to bring him down to earth.

He's been stealing again.
He's been expelled from school.

I think "expelled"
is a harsh word.

I think there was
a consensus reached

that it wasn't
the right place for him.

Yeah, a consensus includes me.

The principal gave me no option.

I... I should have called,
and I apologize for that.

I'm gonna move your
case up for a review.

You'll be notified by mail.
I'll let myself out.

Mr. Lefkowitz, I do know...

that there's no one
on this planet...

that loves Dennis
any more than I do.

I know that.

These pictures are mine.

And they're
really important to me.

And I need to understand
why you took 'em.

Will you tell me?

Please, I need you to tell me.

Because you love her so much.

Hmm.

Ahem, that's really true...

but that doesn't change
the way I feel about you, pal.

Not even a little.

You know,
Mr. Lefkowitz isn't sure

that it's such a good idea
that you stay here...

so we gotta make him happy.

So when you're here at home,
it's OK to be from Mars.

But when you're out there...

with the rest
of the earthlings...

you know,
you gotta go by Earth rules.

But what we will never do
is we will never,

ever ever, ever, ever,
ever give up.

Winston Churchill
said that, I think.

There's one other thing.
It's really serious.

Will you please teach me how to
do that disidney-grate thing?

How you do it?

You'll get it.

- We have to do this.
- I can't. You do it.

I think it should be
this shirt with these.

OK.

It looks hot on you.

- He'll look devastating.
- He will. He will. That's fine.

- That's fine.
- Right?

What age do they start making fun of
you if you wear the wrong clothes?

- I don't know.
- You know, like, uh... if you're not cool...

- Fifth grade?
- Fifth grade?

That's when I started wearing my
rainbow-colored leg warmers every day.

Pretty much solidified my role as the weird
girl who sat in the back of class...

drawing Smurfs
until ninth grade.

What happened in ninth grade?

I grew breasts.

That would've done it for me.

My God, childhood is barbaric.

I know, it's tough...

But...

But what?

Maybe it's
not supposed to be easy.

I mean, maybe the ones
who have it easy,

- they're missing part of the adventure.
- Ah.

Don't you think all the
truly fascinating people

in the world probably had
dysfunctional childhoods?

You sold me. I'm gonna send him to school
in the rainbow-colored leg warmers.

- Please don't.
- I will.

I'm not that fascinating.

Uh, thing about it is...

I just worry about him
all the time.

It's the curse
of being a parent.

I think Dennis is happier
than he's been in a long time.

Yeah.

I think you are, too.

I should go.
It's late, and I'm tired.

Do you want me
to make some coffee

for the ride home
or something or...

or you could just stay here.
In the guest bedroom.

You don't have a guest bedroom.

That's right.
Best you were on the couch.

I didn't... Believe me, that...
That's not what I meant.

That was the furthest...

furthest thing from my mind.
Really.

Oh, really? The furthest?

Well, not the furthest thing
from my mind.

There's just things that are a little
further away like smallpox or, you know.

It's really...

I gotta go.
I gotta go feed the goldfish.

The goldfish?

I'm taking care
of my neighbor's goldfish.

Your neighbor's.

- Yes.
- I see.

Uh, uh...

They need to get fed.

Goldfish, huh?

- Good night.
- Yeah.

Uh... oh.

You OK?

Uh, yeah. Are you OK?

I don't know.

You are. You look OK.

- So do you.
- OK. Bye.

You look great.

- What?
- You look good.

Oh, you, too.

You look great.

Great.

It's a cloudy day.

I know. That's why you don't
need all that sun block.

I do have a little bit
of bad news, though.

We're gonna have to do
without the holding-down belt.

But I'll float away.

I don't know much,
but I know this.

You will not float away.

- Promise?
- Guarantee it.

But you know... Come on.

You know,
what I was gonna tell you is...

I don't know
if I ever told you this...

but when I was a kid,
I used to pretend...

like I was from another planet.

Why did you do that?

Well, I was going to a new
school, and I was nervous,

and I wanted people
to like me...

and, you know, I was afraid
I wouldn't fit in and...

Did you wear a hat?

Um, yeah.

Yeah, sometimes I did 'cause it
was Chicago, and it was cold...

so sometimes I wore a hat.

You shouldn't have worn a hat.

There it is.
Well, anyway, after a while

I learned to be a little bit
more like everybody else

and to fit in a little bit.

And you know what?
It wasn't so bad.

It really wasn't so bad.

Is it good to be
like everyone else?

That's a really good question.

Um, which is usually
what adults say

when they don't have the answer.

I think what's important
right now to remember...

is that you need to learn stuff.

About human beingness.

Exactly right.

- Instead of, you know...
- Human Martianness.

Which you already know
a lot about, right?

- You're welcome.
- Hi, Miss Margie.

- Mr. Gordon, hi.
- Nice to see you.

Do you remember Dennis?

- Hello, Dennis.
- Miss Margie.

Don't worry.
We're all very nice here.

Hey, listen, pal.

If you feel like you're nervous
or you can't handle it...

I'm gonna be right out there and
you can come get me in the car.

What if I don't feel good
after you leave?

Well, you can come get me.
I'll be there all day.

- All day?
- Mm-hmm. All day.

OK. Your daddy has to
go now, Dennis. OK?

OK, here you go, pal.

We're a little nervous 'cause we
don't have our weight belt today.

We're havin' gravity issues.
OK, pal.

"And the radios crackled
up and down the line...

"as the fighter lords
received the command...

"and turned to their
soldiers instructing...

"Fall where you stand.

"Fall where you stand."

And that is enough
of Dracoban for one night.

Good night, sweet prince.

Nice talk.

David! David!

Yeah!

I'm coming!

Dennis, you OK, pal?
What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's wrong?

Flomar.

Somewhere?

- Ohh.
- What's wrong with him?

- Oh, Somewhere.
- What happened?

Is he OK?

No, no.

He died.

Died?

Damn it.

Hey, let's go for a ride. Let's go
for a ride. Let's get out of here.

We'll go look at the stars.
Come on, pal.

When I was
a little boy like you,

I used to think
when you lost somebody

they would go up there in the stars
and you can't see 'em anymore

but you can talk to 'em,
and they can hear you.

Is that why you were crying...

because you won't see
Flomar anymore?

When you love somebody it's really
hard when you can't see 'em anymore.

Do you talk to Mary?

In a way I do, yeah,
all the time.

That's probably
why I come out here.

I can see Mars.

Get out. Where?
I can't see it.

Oh, that's a good eye.

What do you think
of when you see Mars?

That my mission is almost over.

I'll be going back soon...

and then everything
will go back to normal.

Dennis, can I just say one last thing
about Mars which may be strange

coming from
a science fiction writer

but, right now, you and me, here...
put together entirely from atoms

that've been parts of millions of other
organisms before they became us,

sitting on this round rock
with a core of liquid iron...

held down by this force, that so
troubles you, called gravity...

all the while spinning around the
sun at 67,000 miles an hour...

and whizzing through the Milky
Way at 600,000 miles an hour...

in a universe that very well may be chasing
its own tail at the speed of light.

And amidst all
this frantic activity...

fully cognizant
of our own imminent demise,

which is a very pretty way
of saying...

we all know we're gonna die...

we reach out to one another.

Sometimes
for the sake of vanity...

sometimes for reasons you're not
old enough to understand yet...

but a lot of the time... we just reach
out and expect nothing in return.

Isn't that strange?

Isn't that weird?

Isn't that weird enough?

What the heck do you need
to be from Mars for?

So, look, we're
just gonna talk to 'em

and we're gonna tell 'em
about all of the human stuff

we like to do, and, you know...

it'll be over
before you know it...

and everything will be fine.

OK, deal?

'Cause if I'm myself,

they won't let me
to stay with you.

No. No, no.

Hey.

Whatever you say,
it's gonna be OK.

I love you very, very much.

Ah, you got
your ankle weights there.

Be yourself.

- Come on.
- Hey.

- Hi, Sophe.
- Hi.

OK, come with me, huh?

It's gonna be OK.

Let me go get some coffee here.
It's all right.

So, Dennis, how you
getting along at school?

OK.

Is there something
you want to tell us about?

No.

You don't seem
very happy today, Dennis.

I'm stellar.

So, um, all this moving
from school to school

how... how's...
how's that been for you?

Mm, there's been some rough times
but the important thing...

is to, um, you have
to face your problems...

and you should
never ever, ever, ever...

ever, ever give up.

Never ever, ever, ever.

Winston Churchill said that...

I think.

Winston Churchill,
he was a very smart man, huh?

Hey, Dennis,
when we've spoken before

you... you said that you
were from another planet.

- Mars.
- Mars, right.

Zepper nicki whawok.

Trans fobo medio.

Sometimes it's OK to pretend
and sometimes it isn't.

So you...
You were just pretending?

Uh-huh.

And then
I started doing science...

and I realized we were
spinning around the sun...

at 67,000 miles an hour...

held in place by gravity.

So what the heck do I need
to be from Mars for?

I think it was
because I didn't fit in.

And then I started to learn
how to be like everyone else.

Dennis, did, um...

Did Mr. Gordon coach you
on... on what to say here today?

He only coached me on one thing.

What's that?

If you hit three out of ten,
you're a star.

If you get even
a little better than that...

a little better than that,
you're a superstar.

You get a cup of coffee.

Hot coffee.

Well, how'd it... How'd it go?

I told them about baseball.

You did?

Then I told them
about hot coffee.

You didn't? Did you really?

- Mr. Gordon.
- Yeah?

Congratulations.

Thank you.

So lucky.

We are highlighting the
search...

for extra solar planets here
at the observatory.

And, well, as many of you know,
the Draco system...

is, uh, the prime focus
of the search.

And, well, who better to talk
about it than David Gordon,

whose
sci-fi best-seller Dracoban...

has brought this exciting search
into the public eye.

David.

Thank you.

Um, let's see.

Uh, thank you.

I was fascinated
with seeing Draconis...

because it was a system...

that could closely mirror
our solar system...

and might produce
a planet like Earth.

No planet has been the subject

of more romantic
speculation than Mars.

At one point,
it was commonly believed...

that Mars was inhabited
by an ancient civilization...

that had dug an intricate system
of irrigation channels...

and the annual darkening
of the planet...

was interpreted as the growing
season of plant life.

But the flyby missions
of Mariner IV, VI, and Vll...

showed that
the irrigation system...

was nothing but an enormous
network of canyons...

and the famous darkening
due to annual dust storms.

Soil samples taken
by the Viking landers...

showed a complete absence
of organic material...

from the planet's surface.

In other words,
there is no life on Mars.

No planet
has been the subject...

of more romantic
speculation than Mars.

At one point,
it was commonly believed...

that Mars was inhabited
by an ancient civilization...

that had dug an intricate system
of irrigation channels...

and the annual darkening
of the planet...

was interpreted as the growing
season of plant life.

But the flyby missions...

This is not how I remember it.

- Showed that the irrigation...
- This isn't it.

Was nothing but an enormous
network of canyons...

and the famous darkening
due to annual dust storms.

Soil samples taken by...

I think
I'm from a different Mars.

Are you angry with me?

No, I'm not angry with you,
I just thought we agreed...

that you weren't...

gonna be from Mars.

Jesus, I can't even say
that word anymore.

I thought I was pretending
so we could stay together.

No. Come on, pal.

You don't believe
I am from Mars...

- do you?
- Oh, come on, Dennis...

I think that sometimes
you think you are, okay?

- Stop!
- No, no. You stop, Dennis.

- I mean, it's...
- The car!

I'm so sorry, officer.

I was having a conversation
with my son...

and I didn't...
I turned the corner.

I'm really sorry.

Driver's license, please.

I usually have it right here.

Um...

Dennis, did you take
my driver's license?

Freena wobbly meetya.

Dennis, I'm asking you
a question.

I need you to answer me. Did you
take my driver's license?

This is serious, okay?

Freena wobbly meetya.

Dennis! Answer the question!

Freena wobbly meetya.

Dennis, you took my license!

No, I didn't!

Dennis!

I didn't steal it!

What did you do
with her pictures?

I didn't steal 'em.
I need them.

Oh, come on, man!

That's not fair!

We talked about all this!

Stop. Those are mine.

It's not your stuff, Dennis!

It's my stuff!

Stop.

Dennis, adults get their
feelings hurt

just like little boys.

This is my stuff.

- Stop.
- No!

Stop!

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Why don't you?

Trans fobo medio.

Trans fobo medio.
Trans fobo medio.

- Dennis, Dennis, stop.
- Trans fobo medio.

You're not a Martian.
You're just a little boy.

And maybe I can't help you.

Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

Stay here and just...
Just cool out for a minute.

Look, it's just
gonna be like, you know...

I'm gonna show my face
for twenty minutes...

- Yeah. Hey, no.
- Then get back on the road.

Take your time.
Take your time.

Do what you gotta do,
you know?

Don't worry about us.

- Okay.
- Great.

Thanks for watching him.

Oh. It's...

You're my brother.

He's my nephew.

Dennis?

Hey, wow. That is cool.

Listen, I'm gonna finish
cleaning up the kitchen...

and call Nicholas and Jonas
and check in on them...

and I thought
then I can come back...

and hang out, okay?

All right, big guy?

I'll be back.

Congratulations.

Who is this handsome fellow?

Oh, my God. I look like
Chairman Mao.

That's right. You brought
your Little Red Book.

- Oh, that's hideous.
- Louie. Louis?

Louie, right here, snappy snap.

Welcome to the big time,
Mr. Gordon.

Tina. So excited.

- I was wondering about you.
- So lovely to see you.

Ah, you wouldn't be the first.

Everybody,
this is David Gordon...

and he is brilliant.

And I see he's brought
me a little present.

This is the first draft
of his new book.

And let me tell you,
it did not come cheap.

- Ah, David.
- Yeah?

I'd like to introduce you
to Leonard.

He's the head of our marketing.

- Nice to meet you.
- He's absolutely brilliant.

- Yeah?
- Welcome to the club.

Tina likes to surround herself
with brilliant people.

I can see that.

Well, shall we just give
this manuscript...

to my assistant for safekeeping?

Linus.

Tina, actually, could I
speak with you...

in private for a moment?
There's just...

I have something
I need to talk to you about.

Uh, listen, this might be
a little awkward.

That's my least favorite word.

I'm sure.

Uh, well, could you
take a look at this?

I just want to talk to you
'cause it's a little...

different situation here
than I imagined.

- Martian Child?
- Mm-Hmm.

- What's this?
- Is that the alternate, uh...

- alternate title idea, buddy?
- I thought we agreed

on The Revenge of Dracoban.

Yes. Yes, we did.
Um...

but I must say it's more
than just a title change.

So this is the, um,
quantum alternate universe?

- Shut up.
- An idea that...

No, no. I tried to write
Dracoban.

I really, really, really did.

Well, what's the problem?

I adopted a boy.

I adopted this very fantastic,
difficult young man...

and he is very much alive...

and those characters were dead,
and I had to do this.

- No, we have a contract.
- Uh-huh.

We paid you
a substantial amount.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

And I'll, um, ahem...
I'll write the other one,

or I'll just pay you back.

It's unacceptable.

I'll refinance my house
if that's what it takes.

I don't care.

I don't want the money.

I want
a Harry bloody Potter in space.

That's what I paid for.

Leonard created an extremely
expensive marketing campaign

around this book...

And Dracoban is the cornerstone

of that campaign.

I can't do anything
without that.

Do you comprehend
what I am telling you?

You get that, don't you, buddy?

Do you understand that?

Why can't you just be
what we want you to be?

Mmm...
I got it.

Beware. Beware. Beware.

What time is it?
I'm so sorry.

I've gotta write the other
thing.

I'm gonna make this up to you, I
promise.

You're gonna get a whole series,
rivers of blood...

but just read that
because it's good.

It's really good.

And I have to go,
but this was great...

and I'm sorry.

Hey, Dennis!

What do you say, um...

to some hot chocolate
or... or somethin'?

Does that sound kinda good?

Or... Tang?

Do you know what Tang is?

It's... It's something
that the astronauts drink.

Might like that.

Liz!

Liz!

- We just...
- What happened?

We just can't find him.

- You can't find him?
- He was fine.

Everything was
fine. He was in his room,

and I... I went to get him

some hot chocolate.

It's okay, it's okay.

Then we
just called the police...

just to make sure.

Where's the last place
you saw him?

He's nowhere in the house.

Are you sure?
You checked everywhere?

It's so beautiful.

Maybe he is a little Mozart.

What does it mean?

Means goodbye.

Hey, Harlee, just stay there.
Stay in the car, okay?

Did you find him?

No, no, but I know where to go.
Can you drive me?

- Yes.
- All right.

I can get the police
to move their car.

No. Don't worry about it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right. Call me.

Put your seat belts on!

- You go that way, and I'll...
- David.

Talk to him.
Go, go, go, go.

Dennis, stay where you are!

David's coming to get you...

so just don't move, okay?

Don't... Really,
just don't walk, sweetie.

You gotta just try
to stay still.

Dennis.

Dennis?

Dennis. Dennis, stop movin'.

Here I come.

Dennis, I'm comin' to get you.

Just... Just... Just stay still.
Please, please.

Dennis, stop moving.

They're here.

Dennis, hold on, pal!
I'm comin'!

Why are you here?

You can't come with me.

Okay.

Shh.

Give me your hand.
I'm gonna take you home.

No. I have to go back now.

My mission is over.

Dennis, stop.

Please stop moving.

They're here.
They came back for me.

It's a helicopter, Dennis.

We've all been lookin' for you.

It's not a helicopter.
It's not.

Okay.
Dennis, give me your hand.

I'm gonna take you home.

I am going home.

I don't belong here.

Okay.

Put the suitcase down...

and hold onto the edges
really tight...

and I'll wait with you
until they come, okay?

I'm sorry, David.

What are you sorry about?

I'm sorry
that I have to leave...

but I'll tell them
about baseball...

and Lucky Charms...

and Flomar.

Yeah. You can tell 'em
about all the stuff we did...

and how much fun we had.

Dennis, look at me.

Tell 'em about
all the fun stuff we did...

and, you know,
how much fun we had.

You can tell 'em
how hard you tried...

you know, to fit in,
to be like all of us.

Human beings
can be kinda cruel...

huh?

I promise I'll tell 'em
you were nice to me.

Thanks.

You're a great human, Dennis.

That's the funny part...
and I just wanted you to feel

like you belong to me...

'cause that's what I think
you really want

Underneath all of this
I think you want

to belong to someone.

I wish we could have
more time together.

I want to prove to you that not
all parents disappear forever.

Why do they go sometimes?

I don't know. That's a...

I don't know.

That's a mystery. Sometimes it's
their fault,

and sometimes it's not.

It's a... It's a mystery.
I don't know.

Why? Why?

Why do you think they left me?

Because...

Because they were stupid!

Whoever let you go...

those were the stupidest beings
in the universe.

I mean, they were so dumb
they couldn't even see

what was right in front of 'em.

How could they not see
how extraordinary you are...

how big your heart is?

I'm not even that smart,
and I can see it.

It's so obvious.

I mean, you're the easiest kid
in the world to love.

Well, to me, you are.

You know what I think?

I think you love me, too.

Like you're just filled with it.

Think it's just waiting
to burst out of you.

Dennis, you're my son.

You're my home, forever.

And I will never, ever, ever...

ever, ever...

ever, ever, ever...

leave you.

Okay.

I got you.

I got you.

I got you.

Hey, Dennis,
I got my Martian wish.

Oh, my God.

It's okay.

"Sometimes we forget that
children have just arrived

on the earth.

They are a little like aliens

coming into being
as bundles of energy

and pure potential...

Here on some kind
of exploratory mission...

and they're just trying to learn

what it means to be human."

For some reason, Dennis and I
reached out into the universe...

and found each other...

we'll never
really know how or why...

I discovered that
I can love an alien...

and he can love a creature...

and that's weird enough
for both of us."

Two, three. Hold on!

Come on, one more,
one more, one more.

One, two, three.

Was that good?

- Come on.
- Okay, here we go.

Okay, guys.

There ain't a cloud in sight