Original subtitles

We took that money to help people, Marcus. People like you. And even people

Pamela Anderson.

This came this morning.

We have a problem.

He's one of our blackmailers. Wait, what?

There's two blackmailers. I need to gather evidence so that Neha can arrest

Pamela. And then she'll tell everyone about Dad.

That's when my plan comes into action. Not only have we got your dad's death

certificate, we also have the funeral director on the payroll.

We are home and clean.

Trixie?

Made it.

Oh, good, it's you.

And your plan if it wasn't? I'd pretend to be her mum.

Go on, then.

No, thank you. Please leave me alone.

I'm a widow.

Yeah, that's not a good system, Dad.

All right.

Did you bring it?

Yes.

This is lovely stuff. This is the best hit money can buy. No more cannabis for

me. Just shocky milk from now on. I've got...

It's just one for the cup.

And one for the mug.

Do you want some?

No. Hey, how's mum?

Oh, fine.

Fine? Why wouldn't she be?

Well, one of her friends died last night.

I didn't think of it like that.

Yeah. So where is she?

Hey, Mum. Oh, hello, darling.

William!

That booze that you got for your retirement, have you moved it?

Sorry,

what on earth is going on? Your dad was given a bottle of posh bubbly when he

retired and I've been waiting for the right moment to open it. Could have

it when I retired.

No, it needed to be for something special. So why are you looking now?

Well, do you know what happened last night? Yeah.

Do you know what happened last night? Yes, I do, thank you.

I had front row seats.

Ding dong, cheerio.

See you in the next life.

Have you got a brick for a heart?

Pam was your friend.

Some friend.

Come here.

Look at this.

I found that in her house yesterday.

In her bowling bag.

The final piece dons la jigsaw. Now you tell me, what sort of friend blackmails

their own mates?

Yeah.

But you kind of want her to die, surely?

No, of course not. I'm not a psychopath.

You're about to open a bottle of champagne.

Well, only if I can bloody find it. Are you sure you haven't moved it?

You do like to fiddle with my bits.

It's actually my champagne.

And, Harold, I know you love to apportion blame. You get that from your

But Pamela's death, nothing to do with me.

OK?

I'm a bit sick.

It is... It is clacky.

I don't know how long she's going to be out.

Don't you just hate these places?

Did you get those from the machine?

Yeah. I wouldn't. Riddled with Legionnaires.

And they found E. coli in the sandwiches.

Sorry. You said this was urgent.

Oh.

You were at Pam Randerson's house last night.

Well, there's something I need to tell you.

She had a cat, and I suffer from very bad allergies.

And I get very snuffly and red itchy eyes. It's hugely incapacitating. No, I

mean about Pam.

Oh, well, on arrival to the hospital, it became apparent that I was a bit hasty

in my assertions. Which means she's not actually dead.

Are you kidding me?

How many times are you going to do this?

Do what?

Nothing.

Believe me, I'm shocked. I am normally assiduously diligent.

Where is it? Mum, this is a classic case of denial. I'm not in denial.

If anything, I'm being too transparent.

A little bit like our blooming bathroom window.

You know they frosted it on the wrong side, so we can't see out, but every

Dick and Harry can see in.

Viewing gallery for my Tom, Dick and Harry.

Talking to you is like nailing jelly to the wall.

Well, that is very rude.

Jelly? I haven't had that in ages. Have we got any? Well, have a look in the

cupboard. And you, if you can't be positive, you can leave.

What? What do you want me to be positive about? Just everything I've ever done

for you. No, you can't take credit for the good if you can't take

for the bad.

Oh, it's thought for the day with Bishop patronising, is it?

What did you say when you reversed our car into the village duck pond?

It's got to do with anything.

Just tell me what you said. Oh, I merely commented that the water level had

risen. Which meant it was his fault?

Global warming. I rest my case.

Oh, you are an odious little toad. Can you stop calling me a toad? I'm

about being stocky.

We're a stocky family.

I'm not. I'm quite willowy. Oh, shut up. Shut up.

Mum, please.

In the space of a few weeks, we've had a fake funeral, an insurance fraud, and

now a very real death.

Can you see what connects those three things?

Yeah. Him.

It's not him.

Well, I didn't mean to hurt anybody.

I know.

I know.

Come here.

I love you.

Pamela.

I killed her.

We've tried to inform the next of kin, but there doesn't appear to be any. No,

there won't be, Pam. It's quite an acquired taste.

So what exactly is this about? Well, given that Miss Anderson turned out to

alive, we've run some tests and found something rather curious.

Pam's blood results show an abnormally high level of a stimulant drug for which

there's no medical reason for her to be taking, which I think means that she's

on the crank.

She was poisoned by someone trying to induce a heart attack.

Bloody hell.

This village is like Midsomer Murders. Yeah.

This would be Midsomer attempted murder, because, as I say, she's not actually

dead. No thanks to you.

Can you make this out?

Why would you come to a search without your specs?

The dog got them so the arms loose that they keep falling off my face.

I think that's the chemist in town.

What did Dr. Donut say about Pam's next of kin?

She didn't have any.

Exactly. So why would she be meeting with this guy?

I can't read that either.

He does wills.

William, get packing.

Debbie, come on. This is not the answer.

You heard Harold. I have no choice. That's not what he was saying.

Listen, I don't want to run away.

I'm tired and old and actually technically dead.

We're not running away. We're taking a holiday. Debbie. A weekend away, then?

No. A road trip?

A getaway? A couple's retreat?

I'm not going to stand here and play word hippo with you. We cannot take a

holiday from guilt.

Mini break?

Oh, look.

What am I going to do, then?

I think you know.

You do the pharmacy, I'll do the solicitor. Yes, go.

Chewie!

I thought we agreed you'd keep your head down.

Yeah, I'm like a hippo, aren't I? Just keep on popping up for air.

Did you know that hippos produce their own sun cream? I'm really busy, Debbie.

Yeah, I know. I need to talk to you about, um, Pamela.

That's what I'm busy with.

You're looking for the culprit?

Yeah. Yeah, well, look no further.

It was me.

What are you on about?

Well, I might not have literally plunged my hand into her heart and pulled the

valves out of her... The, um... What are valves in?

Sockets? Flanges, is it? No, flat, flat. No, anyway, shush, Debbie, it doesn't

matter. I now realise, thanks to your husband, that I bear responsibility

for her death.

Right, is that everything?

Aren't you going to take me in?

No. Why not?

Because Tom's not bloody dead, Debbie.

Although she was being poisoned.

Look, I didn't do that. No, I know.

I'm on my way to the pharmacy now.

What do you mean?

How have you got yourself into this?

That's funny. That's exactly what St Peter said last night.

I had a dream, inspired, no doubt, by my flirtation with hard drugs.

I was at the gates of heaven, being given a stern grilling by St Peter, who

weirdly looked like Richard Osman.

I can see that.

He had his little clipboard out there. Is this St Peter or Osman?

Both, same. He was asking me if I could make an argument for why a lying

fraudster should be let into heaven.

What did you say?

I've made the best arguments available to me. Which was? I said it was all your

mother's fault.

Want some jelly?

What flavour is it?

Pulled pie.

No, thank you.

You did hide it.

I just want a quiet life, Harry.

Looks like I'm not going to get one without being actually dead.

We're here for without club.

Right, my mum's not here right now. I'm not sure when she'll be back. Oh, that's

fine. First of all, without club is we don't like waiting. Sure, I mean, but I

do have stuff I need to be getting on. Yeah, crack on then, love. You won't

know we're here.

You all right?

Yeah.

A couple of teas wouldn't go amiss.

Of course.

Who could be poisoning Pamela?

Oh, maybe someone she was blackmailing wanted revenge.

Oh, I would do many things, but I won't do that.

All right, meatloaf.

It's a proper mystery, isn't it?

Tough nut to swallow.

I know, and usually it's quite easy, cos it's always... The husband.

Yeah.

Did Pamela ever have a fella? Pamela?

No. Why not?

Neha, Pamela's a lady's lady.

What, posh? No, a lady's lady. Oh, I see. I never realised.

Yeah, she's a very private person. I think that's why I find her so boring.

Actually, have you told Harold that she's alive?

No, why?

Because I'd like to do that.

I knew it wasn't my fault.

It's for modafinil, but the name's illegible.

What's modafinil used for?

It's a stimulant. It can be prescribed for narcolepsy.

Do we know anyone with narcolepsy?

Can I help?

Oh, no, I'm good, thanks. Please, come and sit back down.

Oh, OK.

Harry, can...

Can I tell you something, just between us?

Yeah, of course, Jean.

It's only us here.

I'd rather not be alone in there.

Right. It's nice to have company that's awake, do you know what I mean?

So, may I?

Oh, yes, sure.

Here we go, Jean.

Thanks.

Did you hear about Paola?

Oh, yeah.

Terribly sad.

I just can't think what gave her a heart attack.

I know.

I know. It's a real mystery.

Hey, Jean, are you sure you don't want to go into the living room? Oh, no, no,

thank you. I'm fine here.

In fact, while I remember, I brought some homemade cupcakes, triple

I'm a genie, shouldn't I?

I enjoy it.

Baking keeps my mind off everything.

Thank you.

Right, so we should head back to the station and work out what Billy's up to.

No, no, I have to check in with Susan.

Why? What's he doing?

I shouldn't really tell you.

Oh, come on, I'm on the team.

OK, well, we did find some evidence that Pam might have changed her will

recently with a solicitor.

Oh.

Hence why you're asking about a boyfriend. Very good.

Officer? Yes?

We don't do a lot of modafinil, so I checked when we last fulfilled a 400mg

prescription. And? I hope it's OK that I did that. I didn't mean to overstep or

anything. I just... And I know I can be a bit geeky, and my mum... Oh, my God,

spit it out!

It was last Thursday.

Oh, let's have a look.

There's your Parkinson's leaf again.

Any luck finding him yet?

No.

He's proven a bit of a ghost.

Gov. So, I just spoke to the solicitor.

Oh, is that Susan?

Turn her up.

Hello? Who's that?

It's Debbie. It's Debbie Fendon. Oh, hiya, Debbie. You all right? Yeah, fine.

Just keeping on keeping on, you know.

You still bowling?

Yeah. Trying to, but I've been having trouble with a jippy knee recently.

You might have some gel for that, actually. I've tried the gel, thanks.

sorry, ladies.

Can we just focus?

Yeah, OK.

It should be here any second.

So, yeah, I spoke to the solicitor. Nice guy, but savage BO.

And Pam's will was updated six weeks ago. And you'll never guess the

beneficiary.

Oh, my God.

Jean.

Oh, these are delicious, Jean.

Is that maple syrup I can taste?

You've got a good palate.

Yeah, I ate a lot of pancakes on a holiday to Florida once. Oh, was that

your mum and dad?

Yeah. Such a shame what happened to your dad.

Mm, yeah.

We miss him.

Forgive me, Jean, sorry. Suddenly I feel quite tired.

That's OK, love.

Those cupcakes are lovely, though.

Yeah. I always find the maple syrup is the perfect flavour combination for the

gamma hydroxybutyrate.

Right. Sorry, what did you say? The gamma hydroxy what now?

It's more commonly known as GHB.

OK. That's good at cupcakes, is it? It is, if you want to incapacitate someone.

Why would you want to do that?

You've not got it.

I've got what?

Your mum always said you were a bit slow -witted.

Huh?

I'm here to get... My money.

Now that Pam's gone, I'm on a bit of a ticking clock, you see.

Sorry, wait, wait. How did you know that was in there?

Can you keep a secret?

I'm not really blind.

And I've known all along, William.

Oh, hello.

Hiya.

You told everyone you were blind.

No, that's not fair. I never said I was blind.

I said I was visually impaired.

What's the difference?

What have you got all day?

Wait, so what is your impairment?

Just... Double vision, really.

For fuck's sake, instead of being blind, you can see two of me.

Yeah, it's funny, really, eh? I don't think it's funny. I think it's a bit

Coming from you?

You've got a nerve, you fendons.

Now, if you don't mind, I have got a flight to catch.

I'll be seeing you then, all four of you.

Probably in hell if you believe in that sort of thing.

I'll tell you that, you loathsome mole -eyed bumhole.

Told you I was saving it for a special occasion.

Finally, I can retire.

Oh, bloody hell.

It's like Jonestown.

Just six weeks ago, it emerged that Jean Cottrell seduced Pamela Anderson, a

local vulnerable woman, and had been slowly poisoning her with modafinil,

she'd been stealing from another villager in order to cause a heart

Her plan was to steal the inheritance.

Cottrell, who's partially sighted, even led Pamela and other villagers to

believe that she was in fact completely blind.

This has been a shockingly dramatic case in this small, quiet and peaceful

village. Well, I'm surprised, but then I'm not.

If you ask me, this village is a little bit damned.

Why do they always use the stupidest people for vox pops?

Yeah. We just can't believe it. You know, we're flabbergasted.

This is a law -abiding, quiet, transparent community.

So there isn't a lot of crime here? There's no crime at all.

I leave my doors open. Anybody who wants to come into my house can come into my

house. There's absolutely nothing to hide there at all.

Cottrell was charged with attempted murder, but that was dropped in exchange

her pleading guilty to administering a toxic substance.

She's now been sentenced to four and a half years.

Meanwhile, for Pamela Anderson, thankfully, it's time for her to be

with old friends.

This is Steve Nibbs in Culberton.

Amazing she survived, really.

Doctor said she had more amphetamine in her system than Diego Maradona.

Jean Carter, old supervillain.

Who'd have thought, Mum? You weren't the biggest criminal in the village. You

weren't even the biggest criminal in Widow Club.

Excuse me, I'm not a criminal.

You're only a criminal if you get caught.

I'm not sure that's how it works.

Oh, wind your neck in, PC pedant.

Sorry to be slow, but if Pamela's innocent, why did she put the blackmail

in your pocket at the casino club?

Because Jean asked her to.

Told her it was a voucher for Lakeland.

Poor old girl.

was being used as a totally unwitting mule.

Yeah, and you nearly killed her.

Oh, Harold, do you ever let anything go?

Did we get the Lakeland voucher? Because they do a very good range of dual

-ended silicon spatulas that can get right into the crannies of a yoghurt

Scoop it all out.

No.

Right, we must get on. Get arriving in an hour.

All hands on deck for nibble prep.

And remember, don't let Billy have too much quiche or she'll be guffing all

afternoon.

One minute I was grilling a chop, the next it was like being back at the

Falklands.

And it was a guinea pig.

Oh, yeah. It's got a scar from its little teeth.

Show her.

I'll take you over.

I just feel so foolish.

You must forgive yourself.

Sometimes a good heart doesn't see the bad.

That's very profound, Rupert.

Isn't this nice?

You've just committed fraud, got away with being blackmailed, narrowly avoided

killing one of your best friends and still have your supposedly dead husband

the loft. And so you decide to invite the whole village round for a house

Exactly. If all that isn't cause for celebration, I don't know what is.

Ow! Oh, sorry, Jeff. Bloody hell.

She will need top grades for medicine, like myself.

That's the one I've got here.

Harry Potter and Dobby?

I got a bit bored.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Come on then, budge up.

Oh,

shit.

Do you have any hands, Sam? Because I accidentally brushed that man's corduroy

trousers. And the grooves are terrible for harbouring bacteria. No, sorry, I

don't have any.

You know, the last few weeks is the

most we've been together since I left school.

All it took was your dad dying.

I've always brought people together, haven't I?

First in life, and now in death.

And when you think about it, I'm not unlike Jesus.

Which makes my punches violet.

That's very bloody rude.

Do you think your own mother would murder the Son of God?

No, it was a joke.

Well, it's not funny.

All right, sorry.

When will you learn that you're sub... Poses jokes are actually very offensive.