Original subtitles

>>> YOU'RE WATCHING NEW YORK 1, NEW YORK'S NUMBER FIVE NEWS STATION.

>> HELLO.

HELLO AND GOOD EVENING FROM NEW YORK 1.

YAMMER ROLL LOUIS,

AND I AM NOW OFFICIALLY THE LEAST FAMOUS PERSON TO BE IMPERSONATED ON SNL.

BUT TRUST ME, IT'S UNCANNY.

WE'RE COMING TO YOU LIVE FOR THIS THE THIRD, FINAL,

AND FICTIONAL NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL DEBATE.

TONIGHT'S EVENT IS SPONSORED BY GRISTINI'S SUPERMARKET.

SAY, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT WET SANDWICH?

WHY, GRISTINI'S, OF COURSE.

AND BIKE LANES.

YOU WANT A NEW WAY TO DIE?

STEP INTO A BIKE LANE.

TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO HEAR FROM TWO VIABLE CANDIDATES

AND ONE GOOD OLD-FASHIONED NEW YORK NUT.

FIRST UP, FORMER NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.

>> HELLO, VOTERS. YOU ALL KNOW ME.

I GOT US THROUGH COVID, AND THEN

YADA YADA YADA, HONK HONK, SQUEEZE SQUEEZE.

ANYWAY, I'M BACK.

I'M A BORN AND BRED NEW YORKER. I LOVE IT HERE.

I KNOW THIS CITY LIKE THE BACK OF A WOMAN'S BACK,

MAMMA MIA!

>> NEXT WE HAVE THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE, ZOHRAN MAMDANI.

>> HELLO, EVERYONE. I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.

AND I'M READY TO SPEND THE NEXT HOUR HEARING MY OPPONENTS PRONOUNCE MY NAME

IN WAYS YOU COULDN'T BEGIN TO IMAGINE.

AND I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE OUT THERE SCARED

OF THE IDEA OF A YOUNG SOCIAL LIST MUSLIM MAYOR,

SO ALLOW ME TO PUT YOU AT EASE --

BY SMILING AFTER EVERY ANSWER

IN A WAY THAT PHYSICALLY HURTS MY FACE.

>> ALL RIGHT.

AND NOW LET'S DO A FUN ONE.

THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE, CURTIS SLIWA.

YES. MR. SLIWA, YOUR OPENING STATEMENT?

>> I'M THRILLED TO BE HERE AND NOT GETTING SHOT IN THE BACK

OF A YELLOW CAB FIVE TIMES BY THE GOTTIS AND GAMBINOS,

AS I WAS FAMOUSLY IN 1992, 1993, AND '94.

BUT I'M THE RIGHT CHOICE TO BE YOUR NEXT MAYOR.

NO OFFENSE TO MR. OPPONENTS, MR. CUOMO,

AND I BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS RIGHT, ZOLTAR RAMZOMBIE.

>> THAT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.

>> ALL RIGHT, CANDIDATES, YOU'RE ALL RUNNING TO BE MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY.

SO MY QUESTION IS, WHY WOULD YOU WANT THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD?

>> AS WE ALL KNOW, AS SOON AS YOU ELECTED MAYOR,

EVERYONE IN THE CITY IMMEDIATELY HATES YOU.

AND IN THAT WAY, I AM ALREADY ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE GAME.

>> MR. MAMDANI, SAME QUESTION.

>> I WANT TO BE MAYOR SO I CAN DELIVER A BETTER NEW YORK,

FREE HEALTH CARE, AFFORDABLE HOUSING, FREE WI-FI.

AS MAYOR, CAN I MAKE THAT HAPPEN?

I'M NOT SURE YET.

BUT TOGETHER, WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.

THAT THE ANSWER IS NO.

>> I GOT TO SAY SOMETHING.

MY OPPONENT, NORMAN VANDANIEL,

IS INEXPERIENCED AND FRANKLY A NEPO BABY,

WHERE MY DAD WAS JUST GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.

>> OF COURSE, AS YOU KNOW, MY DAD WAS BRUTALLY KIDNAPPED

AND TIED TO THE TRACKS OF THE CYCLONE AT CONEY ISLAND.

I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION?

>> WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE MAYOR? >> OH, I NEED A JOB.

>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON TO MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION TONIGHT.

WHAT'S YOUR GO-TO BAGEL ORDER? MR. MAMDANI?

>> WHAT I'D LIKE IS FOR THE PERSON SERVING ME THAT BAGEL

TO BE PAID A LIVING WAGE.

>> BOO! RELAX, NERD.

MR. CUOMO, GO-TO BAGEL ORDER?

>> I SWEAR TO GOD I AM NOT SAYING THIS TO PANDER TO JEWISH VOTERS.

BUT IT'S A GEFILTE FISH EATEN IN A BOOTH WITH BARBRA STREISAND

BY THE LIGHT OF A MENORAH.

>> ONCE AGAIN, BOO.

MR. SLIWA, GO-TO BAGEL ORDER.

>> AS YOU KNOW, IN 1982, I HAD MY PENIS CUT OFF

AND FED TO ME BY THE YAKUZA.

OBVIOUSLY BLUEBERRY BAGEL, STRAWBERRY CREAM CHEESE

EATEN OVER A GAR BACK CAN.

>> THANK YOU, CANDIDATES.

TAKE A MOMENT LET'S THANK A FEW MORE OF TONIGHT'S SPONSORS,

PEDICABS.

SLOWER THAN WALKING, LOUDER THAN HELL.

AND HUDSON YARDS.

SHOP, DINE, OR TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT

AT HUDSON YARDS.

MOVING ON. MOVING ON TO OUR NEXT TOPIC,

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY TO UNDECIDED VOTERS?

GOVERNOR CUOMO, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> LISTEN, I HAVE ACTUAL GOVERNING EXPERIENCE.

I HAVE THE RELATIONSHIPS TO GET THE JOB DONE

AND THE SUPPORT OF SOME OF THE FINEST PEOPLE IN THE CITY.

>> LIKE ME, MAYOR ERIC ADAMS.

THIS IS MY GUY RIGHT HERE, MAN. LISTEN UP.

IF YOU LIKE ME, YOU GONNA LOVE THIS GUY!

HE LIKE ME PART TWO!

>> WELL, NO, ERIC. REMEMBER THE PLAN.

>> OH, OH, YEAH I GOT YOU. I GOT YOU.

I, ERIC ADAMS, ENDORSE HIM,

ZORDAN MAMAGRAMMA.

>> NO, NO, NO THANK YOU.

>> MR. MAMDANI, YOUR MESSAGE TO UNDECIDED VOTERS?

>> MY MESSAGE IS THIS.

HEY, GIRL. I KNOW YOU GOT A LITTLE WHITE GUILT

FOR GENTRIFYING THAT SPANISH NEIGHBORHOOD, DON'T YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU VOTE FOR ME?

YOU KNOW YOU'LL FEEL A LITTLE LESS BAD ABOUT THAT CHICKEN AND RICE SHOP

GETTING TURNED INTO A SWEETGREENS.

WHY DON'T YOU HIT ME UP AT THE BALLOT BOX, GIRL?

>> MR. MAMDANI,

YOU WERE WARNED THAT THIS IS THE FORUM FOR YOUR TIKTOKRY.

MR. SLIWA, WHY SHOULD NEW YORKERS VOTE FOR YOU?

>> IT'S SIMPLE. I'M THE ONLY CANDIDATE HERE

WHO'S BEEN DANGLED WE MY TESTICLES OVER THE VERAZZANO BRIDGE

BY A LITTLE-KNOWN GANG CALLED THE LORDS OF FLATBUSH.

I WAS ALSO POURED INTO THE FOUNDATION OF GIANTS STADIUM AND CRAWLED MY WAY OUT.

JUST ON MY WAY HERE, I WAS EJACULATED UPON

DINER SPIDER

JUST ON YOUR WAY HERE?

ALL RIGHT, LET'S MOVE ON.

FROM CONGESTION PRICING TO HOMELESSNESS TO I.C.E. RAIDS,

THERE ARE MANY ISSUES FACING OUR CITY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM YOU HAVE TO CONFRONT AS MAYOR?

>> IT'S ME!

YES. THEY CAN PRETEND THIS ELECTION IS ABOUT HOUSING AND TAXES,

BUT WE ALL KNOW IT'S ABOUT ME, RIGHT?

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO BE VERY INVOLVED, VERY HANDS-ON.

THIS GUY KNOWS ABOUT HANDS ON, RIGHT, CUOMO?

>> HEY-YO, YOU GOT ME.

>> LOOK AT THESE CANDIDATES WE GOT. LOOK AT CURTIS SLIWA.

I LOVE HIM, BUT WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT "EMILY IN PARIS" LOOKING HAT, RIGHT?

HE'S MY "RUSHMORE" MAX!

AND THE FRONT-RUNNER ZORA MAMDANI.

MCKENZEY

HE'S TOO YOUNG TO LEAD, FOLKS, HE'S TOO YOUNG.

HE DOESN'T HAVE THE WOBBLY WALK.

OR FRANKLY THE MIND I HAVE. GOOD BRAIN.

I TOOK A COGNITIVE TEST. I DID SO WELL ON MY COGNITIVE TEST

THAT THEY IMMEDIATELY GAVE ME AN MRI.

THEY SAID THEY'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT.

BUT IN TERMS OF ELECTION, I'D LIKE TO GO BACK TO THAT VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION.

THE BAGEL. MY GO-TO BAGEL ORDER IS BIG MAC WITH A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE.

AND I MAY NOT LIVE IN NEW YORK ANYMORE, AWW!

BUT I'M ALWAYS WATCHING. LURKING IN THE SHADOWS.

MUCH LIKE THE LATE, GREAT PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

TERRIBLE, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM IN TERMS OF OPERA

AND WITH REGARD TO BEING BURNED BY CHANDELIER.

PERHAPS I'LL ADD "NEW YORK MAYOR" TO MY LIST OF DUTIES.

COME ON.

¶ OPEN UP YOUR MIND

LET YOUR FANTASIES UNWIND ¶

¶ IN THIS DARKNESS WHICH YOU KNOW

YOU CANNOT FIND ¶

¶ THE DARKNESS OF

THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT ¶

AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

MUSICAL

HOST

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MILES TELLER!

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HOSTING SNL.

THE LAST TIME --

THANK YOU.

THE LAST TIME I HOSTED WAS IN 2022.

IT MEANS A LOT TO BE HERE FOR ME, ESPECIALLY ON HALLOWEEN WEEKEND.

YEAH, BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A KID, ME AND MY SISTERS

USED TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING AS "SNL" CHARACTERS.

SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THE NIGHT OF THE ROCKSBURY GUYS.

THEY'RE THE BEST. WILL FERRELL, CHRIS McCANN.

WHERE ARE THEY? THERE THEY ARE.

WE WENT AS THEM ONE YEAR,

AND HERE'S A PHOTO OF ME AND MY SISTERS.

I MEAN, HONESTLY, I'M JUST NOW REALIZING HOW FAR OFF WE WERE WITH THAT LOOK.

IT'S LIKE WE JUST LOOK LIKE LITTLE GREEK MEN.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN SO CONFUSING,

ME AND MY SISTERS GOING UP TO DOORS JUST LIKE --

BUT GROWING UP, I MOVED AROUND A LOT.

SO "SNL" HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF THE MORE CONSISTENT PARTS OF MY LIFE.

I LIVED IN PENNSYLVANIA, GEORGIA, DELAWARE, JERSEY, AND FLORIDA.

ALL BEFORE I WAS 12.

SO HONESTLY, IT GETS A BIT CONFUSING

WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHERE I'M FROM.

I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, MAN, TOP GUN 2?

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

BUT THAT'S WHY I LOVE COMING HERE.

BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT OF MEMORIES.

LIKE RIGHT THERE. THAT'S WHERE I HAD MY FIRST BEER.

NOT EVER. JUST LIKE TODAY.

AND OVER THERE. OH, THAT'S WHERE I ALMOST FELL GETTING OUT OF MY COSTUME.

AND RIGHT THERE, THAT'S WHERE BOWEN SAID,

"MILES, YOU PROBABLY FELL BECAUSE YOU HAD SO MANY BEERS."

I JUST LOVE MEMORIES.

REALLY NICE JUST TO REFLECT.

BUT HONESTLY, GUYS, I'M SO HAPPY TO BE HERE WITH ALL OF YOU.

A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THE LAST TIME THAT I HOSTED.

A FEW MONTHS AGO, MY WIFE AND I LOST OUR HOUSE IN THE PALISADES FIRE.

BUT DON'T WORRY. SERIOUSLY, DO NOT WORRY.

WE'RE DOING GREAT. I SEE YOU UP THERE, BABY.

BUT THAT EXPERIENCE HAS MADE ME INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL

TO HAVE SO MANY PLACES THAT I CAN CALL HOME.

BUT BASED ON WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST PLACE THAT I CALLED HOME,

I JUST WANT TO SAY --

THERE'S FIRE EXITS LOCATED THERE, THERE, THERE.

WE GOT TWO IN THE BACK.

THANK YOU, GUYS. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT SHOW.

BRANDI

STICK

>>> IT'S "WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?"

AND HERE'S YOUR HOST.

>> HELLO. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

I AM YOUR HOST, GAY FOPAY.

AND WELCOME BACK TO "WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT?"

THE ONLY GAME SHOW WHERE THREE DEEPLY HUNGOVER CONTESTANTS

HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THEY GOT UP TO THE NIGHT BEFORE.

AND OF COURSE, TODAY IS OUR EXTRA-PAINFUL DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN EDITION.

LET'S MEET OUR PLAYERS.

>> OH, GOD, TURN IT DOWN.

>> FIRST UP WE'VE GOT KENNETH FROM NEW JERSEY.

HELLO, KENNETH. OH, MAN, STINKS OVER HERE.

>> YEAH, I CLAWED THE CASTLE LAST NIGHT. >> WHAT'S THAT?

>> WHEN YOU DRANK 14 WHITE CLAWS AND EAT WHITE CASTLE.

>> YOU GOT A DEATH WISH, BROTHER.

NEXT WE HAVE ELIZABETH FROM NEW MEXICO.

WHAT WAS YOUR COSTUME? >> SEXY CAT.

>> I'M SURE IT STARTED THAT WAY.

IF YOU WERE AT THE SHELTER, YOU'D BE PUT DOWN, GIRL.

AND YOUR NAME IS RONDELL FROM WHERE?

>> RON FROM DELAWARE.

I WAS SHAKING WHEN I WROTE THAT. >> YEAH, OKAY.

LOUIS, TELL THEM WHAT THEY'RE PLAYING FOR.

>> TODAY'S GRAND PRIZE IS

A LARGE PEDIALYTE AND A BACON, EGG AND CHEESE.

>> MY GOD. >> I NEED THAT.

>> I NEED THAT NOW. I NEED THAT.

>> WELL, YOU CAN HAVE IT IF YOU WIN.

KENNETH, YOU'RE UP FIRST. WHAT WAS YOUR UBER FAUX PAS?

WAS IT "A," A LITTLE PUKE?

B, MADE YOUR DRIVER GO THROUGH THE DRIVE-THRU AND PAY FOR YOUR FOOD?

OR "C," ASKED FOR THE AUX THEN WATCHED PORN?

>> KNOWING MYSELF, I'D SAY I PUKED IN THE UBER.

>> OH, SO CLOSE. THAT WAS ACTUALLY A TRICK QUESTION.

YOU DID PUKE, BUT IT WASN'T IN AN UBER.

YOU JUST SAW A GUY IN A CAMRY, AND YOU GOT IN.

>> IN MY DEFENSE, I DO THAT A LOT.

>> DOESN'T MATTER. YOUR PENALTY IS --

LISTENING TO MY NEPHEW, ANDRE, LEARN THE SAX.

>> NO.

>> STOP! >> NO, NO!

>> ALL RIGHT. NEXT UP, ELIZABETH.

YOUR QUESTION IS, WHO DID YOU BITE, AND WHERE DID YOU BITE THEM?

>> I BIT SOMEONE? >> YOU MOST CERTAINLY DID.

AND YOUR CHOICES ARE, "A," YOUR FRIEND JENNA IN THE NECK.

B, YOURSELF ON THE TONGUE.

OR "C," THE BOUNCER ON THE NIPPLE.

>> OH, OH -- MY TONGUE HURTS TODAY, SO I'M THINKING "B," MYSELF.

>> NO. THE ANSWER WAS, ALL OF THE ABOVE.

AND YOUR PERSONALITY IS, CATCHING UP WITH AN ACQUAINTANCE FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

>> HEY, I'M SURE YOU HEARD, BUT THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN GOING GREAT FOR ME.

THANKS FOR AGREEING TO HELP ME MOVE.

>> NOOOOO!

>> ALL RIGHT, NOW RON, YOUR QUESTION INCLUDES A VIDEO CLUE.

THIS IS SECURITY FOOTAGE OF YOU AT THE ATM LAST NIGHT.

>> OH GOD.

>> LOUIS, LET'S ROLL THE TAPE.

>> THE MONEY MACHINE, THE MONEY MACHINE.

CAN'T YOU GET MONEY FOR FREE?

DRY HEAVING

BATHROOM

OH, LOOK AT HIM GO!

>> HELLO! I NEED $400.

>> OH A LITTLE CAMEO FROM ELIZABETH AS SHE BIT YOU.

SORRY, A LOT OF TROUBLE THERE.

>> WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, MAN?

>> NO QUESTION.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU WATCH THAT CLIP.

BUT YOUR PRIZE FOR WATCHING IT IS A CHAIR.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT, RON?

>> OH, THANK GOD. OH, MY GOD, THAT'S HUGE.

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. OH, THAT'S SO HUGE.

>> ALL RIGHT, KENNETH, FOR AN OPPORTUNITY TO STEAL THE CHAIR --

WHICH OF THESE INDIVIDUALS GAVE YOU THAT BLACK EYE?

WAS IT "A," THIS OLDER WOMAN?

B, THIS LITTLE BOY?

OR "C," A STOP SIGN?

>> UH -- I MEAN, NONE OF THEM ARE GOOD.

BUT -- I GUESS I'LL SAY THE LADY.

>> NO. THE LITTLE BOY.

YOU STOLE HIS COSTUME.

>> I WAS WONDERING WHY I WAS DRESSED AS A CORN. OKAY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

LAST UP IS ELIZABETH FOR A CHANCE AT THE GRAND PRIZE.

THE BACON, EGG AND CHEESE

AND THE PEDIALYTE.

>> WHO DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH LAST NIGHT?

SAME OPTIONS AS BEFORE.

OLD LADY, LITTLE BOY, STOP SIGN.

>> I WOKE UP WITH A CHIPPED TOOTH. GOT TO BE THE STOP SIGN.

>> THAT IS RIGHT, YOU TRASH CAT, GET OVER HERE.

OH, WELL, THAT'S OUR TIME FOR TODAY.

I AM GAY FOPAY. THANKS FOR WATCHING.

>>> THIS WEEK ON A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF "PROPERTY BROTHERS."

>> I'M DREW SCOTT, AND I'M A REAL ESTATE EXPERT.

>> I'M HIS TWIN BROTHER JONATHAN, AND I'M A CONTRACTOR.

THAT MEANS I FIND THE PERFECT PROPERTY --

>> AND I ACTUALLY HAVE TO RENOVATE THE DARN THING.

>> THIS WEEK, WE'RE TAKING ON OUR BIGGEST CHALLENGE YET --

>> BUILDING THE NEW WHITE HOUSE BALLROOM.

- HI. THE PROPERTY BROTHERS. - NICE.

SO WHICH ONE OF YOU MARRIED THE NEW GIRL, AND WHICH ONE OF YOU'S THE GAY?

>> I MARRIED THE NEW GIRL.

>> DONALD AND MELANIA MOVED INTO THIS HOUSE NINE YEARS AGO.

THEY WERE EVICTED FOR FOUR YEARS, BUT THEY MOVED BACK IN.

DONALD HAS A STRONG EYE FOR INTERIOR DESIGN.

>> I PUT THESE GOLD URNS EVERYWHERE.

LIKE A HUNDRED IN EVERY ROOM.

THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO BE HAPPY THESE DAYS.

REALLY DARK STUFF HAPPENING IN THE WORLD. SOME OF IT ME.

AND HERE'S A CROWN I JUST GOT FROM MY TRIP TO ASIA.

NOTHING SAYS DEMOCRACY LIKE A CROWN, RIGHT?

>> AND HIS WIFE, MELANIA, SHE'S GOT A STYLE ALL HER OWN.

>> I LOVE THIS HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS YOU PUT UP.

>> THAT'S FOR CHRISTMAS.

>> THE TRUMPS HAVE ALREADY MADE A FEW SUBTLE CHANGES TO THE HOUSE.

FDR

AND PUT A PAINTING OF HIMSELF AS A SOLDIER FROM HALO.

LEARNED

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T SAY MASTER CHIEF ANYMORE. RIGHT?

YOU'VE GOT TO SAY PRIMARY CHIEF.

>> THEY ALSO PAVED THE ROSE GARDEN AND TURNED IT INTO WHAT LOOKS LIKE

OUTER SEATING AT AN OLIVE GARDEN.

DONALD AND MELANIA STILL FEEL LIKE SOMETHING'S MISSING.

>> THE HOUSE IS ONLY 55,000 SQUARE FEET.

AND 132 ROOMS.

>> WE NEED MORE SPACE!

RIGHT? WE NEED MORE SPACE!

>> WE NEED A BALLROOM BECAUSE DONALD, HE LOVES TO DANCE.

>> I'M A TERRIFIC DANCER. TERRIFIC DANCER.

JUST ASK YOUR EYES.

>> WE ASKED DONALD WHAT HIS BUDGET WAS,

AND HE SAID BETWEEN $350 MILLION AND INFINITY.

THEN WE ASKED IF HE NEEDED A PERMIT,

AND DONALD LAUGHED REALLY HARD.

HE SAID, I COULD BUILD THIS BALLROOM WITH THE BONES OF MY ENEMIES, AND NO ONE COULD STOP ME,

AS OPPOSED TO A BONEHEAD LIKE MY BROTHER.

>> OH, YOU HUSH UP.

>> WE SHOWED DONALD OUR PLAN FOR A BALLROOM THAT WOULD MATCH THE CURRENT PROPORTIONS,

BUT HE KEPT CLICKING "ENLARGE."

FENCE STREET

>> THEY CAN DRIVE AROUND IT.

OH, I WANT A RING FOR MMA FIGHTS.

OFFICIAL ONES BUT ALSO CASUAL FIGHTS IN THE BACKYARD, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

TWO MENTALLY ILL GUYS JUST WHALING ON EACH OTHER.

DO BUM FIGHTS AGAIN.

REMEMBER BUM FIGHTS? WE LOVE BUM FIGHTS!

>> TO NAIL DOWN THE STYLE OF THE BALLROOM, WE ASKED DONALD TO COME UP WITH A BOARD.

>> THIS KIND OF GUY AND THIS GUY --

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE MET HIM, BUT HE'S A GREAT GUY.

THEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD ALSO BE NICE.

>> I TOLD DONALD OUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY

WAS TO PRESERVE THE HISTORIC NATURE OF THE BUILDING.

HE SENT ME BACK THIS GIF.

WE DEMOLISHED THE ENTIRE EAST WING IN TWO DAYS.

WITH THE GOVERNMENT STILL SHUT DOWN AND SO MANY WORKERS FURLOUGHED,

WE WERE ABLE TO FORCE PARK RANGERS AND ASTRONAUTS TO DO A LOT OF THE CHEM DEMOLITION.

>> WERE YOU SAD TO LOSE THE HISTORIC PRESIDENTIAL MOVIE THEATER?

BILL CLINTON CALLED IT THE BEST PERK OF BEING PRESIDENT.

>> BILL CLINTON SAID THAT?

HE SAID THE BEST PERK FOR HIM WAS THE MOVIE THEATER?

>> UNFORTUNATELY THE RENOVATION HIT A BIT OF A SNAG

WHEN DONALD REALIZED HE HAD DEPORTED ALL THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

I PULLED INTO THE HOME DEPOT PARKING LOT AND YELLED,

"JUST GIVE ME THE WHITES."

I WANT THE DAY LABORERS FROM NORWAY AND SWEDEN,

BUT APPARENTLY THEY DON'T EXIST.

>> BUT IN THE END, WE'RE CONFIDENT THE NEW BALLROOM

WILL BE A SHINING BEACON OF FREEDOM FOR ALL AMERICANS.

>> AND IT WILL BE READY JUST IN TIME FOR MY THIRD TERM.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. WE WANT THIS TO BE OUR FOREVER HOME.

>> YES, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT LEAVING.

WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING SOMETHING CALLED COUP.

>> AND WE'LL MAKE SURE THAT TRUMP'S DREAM BECOMES A REALITY.

IF MY DUMB BROTHER DOESN'T SCREW IT UP.

>> SERIOUSLY? [ BLEEP ] YOU.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> OKAY, I GUESS THE ONLY THING LEFT IS THE PAYMENT FOR THE CONSTRUCTION.

>> AREN'T YOU GUYS FROM CANADA? >> YEAH.

>> I.C.E.!

THERE GOES I.C.E. WE LIKE THEM. BIG AT I.C.E.

>> SPOOKY. >> VERY SPOOKY.

IT'S A VERY SPOOKY SECRET POLICE THING.

>> "PROPERTY BROTHERS." ONLY ON HGTV AND TRUTH SOCIAL.

>>> GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING IN TO DO THESE PROMOS

FOR THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE'S COMMUNITY OUTREACH DAY.

>> WE'RE SO GLAD TO HAVE PLAYERS FROM THE NEW YORK RANGERS,

THE L.A. KINGS, AND THE NASHVILLE PREDATORS.

>> MY NAME IS DIDIER LEREW.

>> I JUST GO BY MIDGE.

>> YOU MAY KNOW US FROM SUCH WORKS AS THE SECOND IT LAYING OF THE J.G. WENTWORTH COMMERCIAL

WHERE THEY SANG ON A BUS.

>> ALL RIGHT. JUST READ THE LINES, AND WE SHOULD BE OUT OF HERE IN NO TIME.

>> ALL RIGHT, AND ACTION!

>> THE NHL IS PROUD OF THE CHARITY WORK WE DO IN OUR COMMUNITIES.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. I MAY BE A KING ON THE ICE,

BUT I'M ALSO A KING IN THE COMMUNITY.

>> AND I'M A RANGER IN MY COMMUNITY.

>> AND I'M A PREDATOR IN MY COMMUNITY.

WHEN YOU SEE THIS FACE, JUST KNOW A PREDATOR IS IN THE COMMUNITY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. CAN WE CUT?

>> CUT! WHAT'S THE ISSUE, MAN?

>> I MEAN, DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT I'M A PREDATOR IN IN MY COMMUNITY?

>> WHY NOT? YOU PLAY FOR THE NASHVILLE PREDATORS.

>> YEAH, BUT YOU HEAR HOW IT SOUNDS, RIGHT?

>> OKAY, SO IT'S GOING TO BE ONE OF THOSE SHOOTS.

DIVA ALERT!

>> MAN. I SENSE IT TOO.

LET'S MOVE ON, WE'RE LOSING LIGHT.

>> WE'RE INDOORS.

>> I'M SORRY. DID YOU GET AN AVAIL CHECK FOR A JUSTIN LONG CHOBANI COMMERCIAL?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS.

>> YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK SO.

DO YOUR JOB AND I'LL DO MY OPINION, BUD.

LET'S MOVE ON. TO THE NEXT COPY, AND ACTION!

>> AS A NEW YORK RANGER, I'M SERVING MY COMMUNITY BY WORKING IN SOUP KITCHENS.

>> AS AN L.A. KING, I VOLUNTEER WITH THE ELDERLY.

>> AS A NASHVILLE PREDATOR, I WORK IN HOSPITALS TO MAKE SICK KIDS FEEL TOUCHED.

HEY, HEY, COME ON, GUYS.

>> WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL OF THIS UNPROFESSIONALISM?

>> I MAKE SICK KIDS FEEL TOUCHED? I DON'T WANT TO SAY THAT.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME, PAL? DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?

I'M THE GUY WHO PITCHED ASIAN MAN PLAYS CELLO

IN THE KENDALL JENNER BLACK LIVES MATTER PEPSI COMMERCIAL.

WE'RE MOVING ON, ACTION.

>> THE NHL IS PROUD OF THE HUMANITARIAN WORK WE DO AROUND THE WORLD.

NEW YORK RANGERS ARE SPONSORING LITERACY WORK IN INDIA.

>> THE L.A. KINGS ARE HELPING TO DIG FRESHWATER WELLS IN SUBSAHARAN AFRICA.

>> AS A PREDATOR FROM NASHVILLE, I'M VISITING THAILAND --

NO, STOP.

>> OH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

>> I MEAN, VISITING THAILAND? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MENTION CHARITY WORK.

>> YOU DIDN'T DO THE WHOLE THING. HERE, READ THIS.

>> OKAY. FINE.

I'M VISITING THAILAND TO HOPEFULLY RUB OFF ON SOME KIDS

SO MAYBE ONE DAY THEY BECOME PREDATORS JUST LIKE ME.

I'M NOT -- I CAN'T SAY THESE LINES.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S OKAY. LET'S GET THE WRITERS IN HERE.

>> SEE IF THEY HAVE ANY OTHER IDEAS. >> GOOD.

>> HEY, WRITERS HERE! WE DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER IDEAS, DO THE LINES.

>> FOR THIS NEXT ONE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING. YOU CAN KEEP THAT PRETTY LITTLE MOUTH SHUT.

AND THAT'S ON MIDGE. >> OKAY, FINE. THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET LIGHTS UP. START ROLLING. AND ACTION!

>> WHEN MY CLASSROOM NEEDED SUPPLIES, THE KINGS STEPPED UP.

>> WHEN MY FATHER GOT SICK, THE RANGERS HELPED COVER HIS MEDICAL BILLS.

>> THIS IS THE PREDATOR THAT FOREVER ALTERED THE COURSE OF MY LIFE.

>> NO! NO!

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK.

WHY DON'T YOU ALL SAY YOUR NAME, YOUR POSITION, AND YOUR TEAM. LET'S GO.

>> CAN YOU HANDLE THAT, WIDDLE HOCKEY PLAYER?

>> LET'S ROLL IT.

>> RONNIE ADRIAN, DEFENSEMAN, KINGS.

>> CHRISTIAN FLASHMAN, GOALIE, RANGERS.

>> I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ONE.

>> OH, COME ON. IT'S JUST YOUR NAME. >> FINE.

I'M CHASE KIDD, RIGHT WING PREDATOR.

OKAY, NO, I DID HEAR IT THAT TIME.

>> AND THAT'S ON MIDGE.

>>> OFFICER, SHE'S GONE.

I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE, SHE'S GONE.

>> SIR, CALM DOWN, WHAT HAPPENED THIS.

>> MY WIFE IS MISSING, MAN, SOMEBODY MUST HAVE TAKEN HER!

>> COMING SOON TO NETFLIX,

THE TRUE STORY OF THREE MEN WHOSE WIVES MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHED.

>> SHE WAS THERE. AND THEN --

POOF. SHE'D DISAPPEARED.

>> WE'VE RECEIVED A CALL ABOUT A MISSING WOMAN ON JORDAN ROAD.

DISPATCHING ALL UNITS.

>> IT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

I'M SORRY, I CAN'T DO THIS.

>> MEGAN! MEGAN!

>> WITH NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN INTERVIEWS WITH THE WOMEN THEMSELVES.

>> SO TELL US WHAT HAPPENED.

>> I WAS ON A BUSINESS TRIP. I HAD TOLD DOUG ABOUT IT MAYBE 45 TIMES.

>> I WENT TO MY SISTER'S FOR THE WEEKEND,

AS WE HAD DISCUSSED FOR MONTHS.

>> I WAS LITERALLY IN THE BATHROOM.

DUMPING IF YOU WANT TO KNOW.

>> "GONE WITHOUT A TRACE."

>> WHOEVER TOOK HER LEFT A BUNCH OF CRYPTIC NOTES.

>> HEAT AT 450 FOR 20 MINUTES.

PLEASE PUT LAUNDRY IN THE DRYER.

IS THIS A GAME TO YOU?

>> THE WHOLE WORLD WAS AGAINST ME.

WHAT

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU EAT, MAN?

>> SHE WAS GONE FOR WHAT FELT LIKE A LIFETIME.

>> I DID TAKE A SHOWER AFTER.

HAD TO.

>> NO SIGNS. NO CLUES.

NOTHING.

TRIP

>> IT WAS FUN AT FIRST.

THAT'S WHEN THINGS GOT REALLY BAD.

BEEN THERE

>> THE POLICE ASKED ME FOR A PHOTO OF HER, BUT MY PHONE WAS DEAD

SO I HAD TO DRAW HER.

SHE'S JUST AS BEAUTIFUL IN REAL LIFE.

>> FEEL LIKE I HAVE A LITTLE MORE OF A CHIN.

>> OKAY, WHAT IS YOUR WIFE'S FULL NAME? >> MEGAN.

>> WHEN'S HER BIRTHDAY? >> SUMMER.

>> DID YOU CONTACT HER PARENTS? >> YES, I CALLED THEM AND SAID, YOUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD.

HIGH ALERT

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.

SOMEBODY TOOK MY WIFE!

I HAVE A GUN, AND I'M NOT -- OH!

>> AND NOT LONG AFTER SHE LEFT, THESE TWO SMALL MEN CAME OUT THE BASEMENT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

>> OUR SONS. I THINK YOU FORGOT WE HAVE KIDS.

>> NO, NO!

>> AFTER ABOUT 24 HOURS,

I DID DECIDE IT WAS TIME TO MOVE ON ROMANTICALLY.

SO I DOWNLOADED TINDER.

PREPARED

THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD HAVE KNOWN.

>> I'M TELLING YOU NOW, I'M GOING TO SEE MY SISTER IN POUGHKEEPSIE.

>> OKAY, BABY, HAVE FUN.

>> I'LL BE BACK SUNDAY. SUNDAY NIGHT.

>> OKAY.

>> WHERE AM I GOING? >> POUGHKEEPSIE.

>> SIR, IS THERE ANY PLACE YOU THINK SHE COULD BE?

>> I KNOW THIS IS PROBABLY WRONG, BUT --

MAYBE THE BOOB STORE?

>> "GONE WITH SEVERAL TRACES."

>> SOMETIMES THE SCARIEST THING IS WHEN --

STEP BACK, NO!

>>> GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO NEWSPOINT.

I'M DAPHNE DODD.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS ECONOMIST P.L. HENRY. >> EVENING.

>> IF IT LOOKS A LITTLE DIFFERENT IN HERE,

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S OUR FIRST SHOW IN OUR BRAND-NEW SET

THAT GIVES YOU A PEEK INSIDE OUR NEWSROOM

AND THE HARD-WORKING FOLKS WHO PUT ALL THIS TOGETHER.

WELL, LOTS TO DISCUSS TONIGHT.

WE START WITH THE ECONOMY, WHICH WE'RE PUTTING "IN FOCUS."

THIS WEEK, AMAZON ANNOUNCED THOUSANDS OF LAYOFFS

WITH TARGET ALSO JOINING THE LIST OF MAJOR COMPANIES SLASHING ITS WORKFORCE.

WHILE COMPANIES LOOK TO PROTECT THEIR BOTTOM LINES,

AMERICAN HOUSEHOLDS ARE DOING THE SAME.

>> ARE YOU OKAY?

>> YEAH, I'M FINE, I'M SORRY.

>> OKAY.

RISING PRICES FOR GROCERIES AND UTILITIES --

I'M SORRY. I'M FINE. I APOLOGIZE.

>> APOLOGIES FOR THAT.

THE BIG QUESTION HERE, IS THIS THE START OF A LONGER, STEEPER DECLINE?

>> WELL, DAPHNE, THAT'S UP TO HOW MUCH OF THIS OVERHEATED A.I. SECTOR IS EVEN REAL.

IF IT'S A BUBBLE, IT'S GOING TO BURST SOONER OR LATER.

>> LET'S HOPE IT DOESN'T BURST, WE JUST SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON THIS NEW STUDIO.

>> HEY, WHOEVER REPORTED ME TO HR, SAY IT TO MY FACE NEXT TIME!

>> SORRY. STILL ADJUSTING TO THE NEW LAYOUT.

>> ACTUALLY, I THINK IT'S QUITE AN UPGRADE.

SUCH A FUN LITTLE TREAT FOR THE VIEWERS TO GET A LITTLE PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

>> PROFESSOR, NOW, WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS?

BECAUSE ON PAPER, INFLATION RATES ARE PRETTY LOW.

>> WELL, ON THE SCREEN,

INFLATION RATES SEEM PRETTY HUGE.

>> ALL RIGHT, SOMEONE HACKED MY COMMUNITY,

PUT MANGA ROCK ON IT AGAIN.

>> YEAH, SURE, BUDDY.

BUT LOOK, PRICES ARE RISING, BUT SO ARE THE MARKETS. WE'RE STILL SOLID.

>> EVERYDAY AMERICANS ARE CERTAINLY STRUGGLING.

RESULTS FROM A NEW SURVEY SHOWED 52% OF AMERICANS

ARE LIVING PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK.

>> OH, SAO PAULO MARKETS,

I DO IT ALL, BABY, PACKING IT --

>> SORRY. HECTIC NEWS DAY.

AND THIS IS CONCERNING.

1 IN 3 AMERICANS DESCRIBE THEIR FINANCIAL SITUATION AS IN CRISIS.

IS THIS JUST THE BEGINNING, PROFESSOR?

>> WELL, I THINK WE'LL SEE --

I THINK WE'LL SEE MORE LAYOFFS AND PRICE HIKES,

BUT THE CEILING IS RAISING THE PRICE --

HEY, EXCUSE ME, DFNY. JUST TAKE THE PAPER OUT THE TRAY!

>> PROFESSOR, YOU WERE SAYING? >> SORRY.

NOW, THE TARIFFS HAVEN'T HELPED THINGS.

>> ESPECIALLY WITH THE SUPPLY CHAIN THAT'S STILL RECOVERING FROM THE COVID ERA.

>> OH, YIKES.

A LITTLE PRINTER ISSUE. IS EVERYONE OKAY?

>> NO, I JUST GOT ELECTROCUTED, BITCH!

OKAY, WE'RE GOOD.

>> ALL RIGHTY. PLEASE CONTINUE, PROFESSOR.

>> I'LL GO GET HELP.

>> ACTUALLY, ONE SECOND, I THINK THIS DUDE IS GOING TO FALL AGAIN.

YEP, THERE IT IS.

>> WELL, LOOKS LIKE WE'RE AT THE BREAK.

MORE WITH PROFESSOR HENRY AFTER THIS.

>> YEAH, YOU GUYS NEED TO PUT UP A WALL STAT.

BRANDI CARLILE.

Church & State

¶ WHILE THE EMPIRE WAS FAILING

I WAS SO FAR FROM HOME ¶

¶ I HEARD A THOUSAND SIRENS WAILING

BUT I WAS NEVER ON MY OWN ¶

¶ WHEN THE BLACKNESS SLOWLY PARTED

I SAW THE IVORY TOWERS ¶

¶ BEFORE THE REVOLUTION STARTED

BETWEEN THE MADNESS OF THE HOURS ¶

¶ AND THEY DON'T SEE

WHAT WE SEE

BUT WE BELIEVE

WE BELIEVE ¶

¶ THAT THEY'RE NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW NEVER SAY ¶

¶ THEY'RE HERE TODAY THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY NEVER SAY ¶

¶ WE'LL FIND A WAY WE'LL FIND A WAY WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD ¶

¶ AND IN THE DAYS THAT QUICKLY FOLLOWED

THEY BEGAN TO TURN TO STONE ¶

¶ THEY COULDN'T STAND OR SPEAK OR SWALLOW

THEY COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED ALONE ¶

¶ WHEN THE FRAILTY OVERCOMES THEM

AND THEY BEGIN TO CRAWL ¶

¶ REACHING OUT THEIR BLOODY HANDS

GUESS WHO GETS TO MAKE THE CALL ¶

¶ WELL THEY DON'T SEE

WHAT WE SEE

BUT WE BELIEVE

WE BELIEVE ¶

¶ THAT THEY'RE NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW NEVER SAY ¶

¶ THEY'RE HERE TODAY THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY NEVER SAY ¶

¶ WE'LL FIND A WAY WE'LL FIND A WAY WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD ¶

I CONTEMPLATE WITH SOVEREIGN REVERENCE

THAT ACT OF THE WHOLE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHICH DECLARED

THEIR LEGISLATURES SHOULD MAKE NO LAW

RESPECTING THE ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION

OR PROHIBITING FREE EXERCISE THEREOF,

THUS BUILDING A WALL OF SEPARATION

BETWEEN CHURCH AND STATE.

¶ NO THEY'RE NOT GONNA LIVE FOREVER

BURN TOMORROW NEVER SAY ¶

¶ THEY'RE HERE TODAY THEN THEY'RE GONE FOREVER

NEVER SAY NEVER SAY NEVER SAY ¶

¶ WE'LL FIND A WAY WE'LL FIND A WAY WE'LL FIND A WAY

IMAGINE IF WE COULD ¶

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.

>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP AND THE FIRST LADY HOSTED A TRICK-OR-TREAT EVENT

AT WHAT'S LEFT OF THE WHITE HOUSE.

AND THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS THAT THE PRESIDENT DOES

BECAUSE IT'S SO CLEAR HE NEVER TRICK-OR-TREATED ONCE IN HIS LIFE.

IN HIS FIRST TERM, HERE'S HOW HE GAVE CANDY TO A KID DRESSED AS A MINION.

MELANIA'S JUST LIKE, I GUESS THAT IS HOW IT'S DONE.

THEN AGAIN THIS YEAR, HE DID IT TO A KID DRESSED AS DJ MARSHMALLOW.

JUST PUT IT IN THE BAG.

WHY IS HE SO WEIRD? EVEN THE KID IS LIKE, THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

IT'S KIND OF AN EMBODIMENT OF HIS ENTIRE PRESIDENCY,

BECAUSE IT'S JUST A VIOLATION OF NORMS

THAT NO OTHER PRESIDENT OR PERSON HAS EVER CONCEIVED OF.

LIKE, WHO'S EVER THOUGHT, I SHOULD PUT THE CANDY ON THE KID'S HEAD.

MY FAVORE PART, THOUGH, IS WHEN TRUMP AND MELANIA

MADE A GRAND ENTRANCE TO THIS SONG.

>> MICHAEL JACKSON'S "THRILLER."

JUST THE PERFECT SOUNDTRACK TO LURE KIDS TO A FAMOUS MANSION.

>>> DUE TO THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN, S.N.A.P. BENEFITS RAN OUT OF FUNDS TODAY.

BUT THE GOVERNMENT STILL PROVIDES FREE FOOD TO FAMILIES THROUGH THE SECOND AMENDMENT.

JAPAN'S NEW PRIME MINISTER SANAE TAKAICHI SAID DURING A PRESS CONFERENCE

SHE'S NOMINATING PRESIDENT TRUMP FOR THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I GET TO SAY THIS, BUT

THANK GOD NOBODY LISTENS TO WOMEN.

>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP MET WITH CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING.

WHEN ASKED HOW THE MEETING WENT, TRUMP SAID THIS.

>> BUT OVERALL, I GUESS ON THE SCALE FROM 0 TO 10 WITH 10 BEING THE PEST?

I WOULD SAY THE MEETING WAS A 12.

>> I GUESS TRUMP JUST WANTED TO SHOW CHINA WE'RE STILL WAY WORSE AT MATH.

TRUMP ALSO VISITED SOUTH KOREA AND WAS GIVEN A GOLD CROWN

AND SERVED BEEF PATTIES WITH KETCHUP FOR DINNER.

SO THEY BASICALLY GOT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES A HAPPY MEAL WITH A TOY.

>>> CRITICS OF PRESIDENT TRUMP ARE CALLING HIM TONE DEAF

FOR POSTING PICTURES OF HIS NEWLY RENOVATED WHITE HOUSE BATHROOM

DURING THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.

BUT I'M HAPPY THAT THE FLOOR LOOKS SLIPPERY.

>>> THE STATE OF TEXAS IS SUING TYLENOL, CLAIMING THAT IT IS LINKED TO AUTISM.

OR AS IT'S CALLED IN TEXAS, BOY AIN'T RIGHT.

>>> KURTIS SLIWA, REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR MAYOR OF NEW YORK

AND THE WORLD'S ONLY WHITE PANTHER --

HAS BEEN ENDORSED BY RUDY GIULIANI.

GIULIANI ONLY LIKES HIM BECAUSE HIS POLL NUMBERS

ARE BETWEEN 9 AND 11.

9/11!

DID I DO IT RIGHT? DID I DO IT RIGHT?

>>> THIS WEEKEND IS THE NEW YORK CITY MARATHON,

WHICH WILL BRING TO THETY MORE THAN 50,000 RUNNERS FROM OVER 100 COUNTRIES.

HERE TO COMMENT IS THE WORLD'S NUMBER ONE MARATHONER --

OH -- GEORGE SANTOS.

YES, COLIN.

CAN YOU BELIEVE I JUST FINISHED THE MARATHON?

>> THE MARATHON IS TOMORROW.

>> YEAH, WELL IT'S A RECORD, I ALREADY WON!

>> YOU KNOW -- YOU DIDN'T WIN THE MARATHON.

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DOING A MEDIA COMEBACK TOUR

SINCE TRUMP COMMUTED YOUR PRISON SENTENCE.

>> WELL, YEAH, PRISON WAS CRAZY.

I WAS IN A ROOM BY MYSELF TALKING TO PEOPLE THROUGH A WALL,

GOING ON EIGHT DATES A DAY, TRYING TO FIND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

>> YOU WERE NOT ON "LOVE IS BLIND," GEORGE, YOU WERE IN JAIL.

>> FINE, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, PRISON CHANGED ME, COLIN.

I LOST A TON OF WEIGHT.

>> REALLY, HOW MUCH DID YOU LOSE? >> I GAINED 50 POUNDS.

VERY "SUMMER I TURNED PRETTY." NOW I ONLY TELL THE TRUTH.

>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE STILL A LIAR, GEORGE.

>> YOU ARE. >> I AM NOT.

>> THEN HOW COME YOUR PANTS ARE ON FIRE?

>> STOP TOUCHING ME UNDERNEATH THE DESK, GEORGE.

>> YOU WISH, COLIN. I WAS JUST ROBBING YOU. >> HEY!

>> WHOA. PHOTOS OF EVERY FEMALE CAST MEMBER?

GIVE ME BACK MY ANGELS.

WELL, ANYWAY, COLIN, I'M GOING ON ALL THESE SHOWS

TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT IT'S LIKE IN PRISON.

>> WELL, WASN'T YOUR PRISON ONLY LIKE MINIMUM SECURITY?

>> THAT'S RIGHT. I WAS IN JAIL WITH OTHER WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS,

EVEN THOUGH I'M BLACK.

>> YOU ARE NOT BLACK.

>> NO, WOW, ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF LYING ABOUT MY RACE?

LIKE RACHEL DOLEZAL?

THAT HORRIBLE WOMAN WHO LIED ABOUT BEING BLACK?

REMEMBER HER? THAT WAS ME.

>> GEORGE. GEORGE, COME ON.

>> HOLD ON, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS, IT'S ONE OF MY FRIENDS FROM PRISON.

>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

>> HELLO? HI, DEWAYNE.

I MISS YOU TOO, GIRL.

I GOT TO GO, I'M HOSTING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE.

>> NO, YOU'RE NOT HOSTING --

PUT YOUR WEIRD PRISON GLASS AWAY.

>> SORRY, IT'S WHAT I'M USED TO, I WAS IN THERE FOR SO LONG.

>> YOU WERE IN THERE FOR 80 DAYS.

>> YEAH, I KNOW, A WHOLE YEAR.

BUT IT WASN'T ALL BAD. I GOT TO WORK IN THE KITCHEN.

PEOPLE LOVED MY RICE PUDDING RECIPE.

IT'S REALLY EASY. JUST PREHEAT THE TOILET TO 350.

>> HOW DO YOU PREMEET TOILET? >> YOU SIT ON IT FOR A WHILE.

HOLD ON I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

HELLO? LUIGI?

HOW'S MY FAVORITE TWONK MURDERER?

YOU TRIED MY RICE PUDDING RECIPE?

YOU BURNED IT? IT'S BECAUSE YOUR TOILET WAS TOO HOT.

>> GEORGE. THAT'S NOT LUIGI ON THE PHONE.

YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR.

>> OH, PLEASE, COLIN. YOU'RE A LIAR TOO,

WEARING THAT EXPENSIVE WATCH, PRETENDING YOU'RE RICH.

>> BUT GEORGE -- I WAS ACTUALLY BORN VERY RICH.

>> WOW. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M RICH NOW TOO.

BECAUSE I JUST TOOK A TRIP TO THE LOUVRE.

>> OH, MY GOD, GEORGE. DID YOU STEAL THAT?

>> STOLE IT BACK, YOU MEAN?

BECAUSE IT BELONGED TO MY ANCESTORS, THE ZALES.

>> YOU BOUGHT IT AT ZALES?

>> HOLD ON, I HAVE TO TAKE THIS. >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT.

>> HELLO, DIDDY? MISS YOU TOO, ROOMY.

>> GEORGE SANTOS, EVERYONE.

>> I WON THE WORLD SERIES!

I WON THE WORLD SERIES!

YOU DID NOT WIN THE WORLD SERIES.

>>> PAUL BIYA, THE 92-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENT OF CAMEROON

OLDEST

WON THE ELECTION BY SOUNDLY DEFEATING --

OH, NO -- KAMALA HARRIS.

THE HITS KEEP COMING FOR KAMALA.

>>> NBC UNVEILED THEIR NEW SLOGAN, "FACTS, CLARITY, CALM."

THEY'RE ALREADY BEING SUED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

BY A PILLOW FROM HOMEGOODS.

>>> NEW RESEARCH SHOWS THAT CHILDHOOD PEANUT ALLERGIES

HAVE DECLINED OVER 40% IN RECENT YEARS DUE TO EARLY EXPOSURE TO PEANUTS.

WHICH WAS EXACTLY THE GOAL OF MY HEALTH CAMPAIGN,

"NUT UP, KIDS."

>>> OFFICIALS WITH THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS

HAVE CALLED ON KID ROCK TO STOP USING THE R-WORD.

EVEN THOUGH HE CAN, BECAUSE -- YOU KNOW.

COME ON.

>>> AN 80-YEAR-OLD WOMAN SET A RECORD FOR OLDEST FEMALE TO HIKE THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL.

AND ALSO THE RECORD FOR MOST CIRCLING VULTURES.

>>> PRINCE ANDREW HAS BEEN STRIPPED OF HIS ROYAL TITLE OF PRINCE

DUE TO HIS INVOLVEMENT WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN.

AND ANDREW SAYS HE CAN ONLY BECOME PRINCE AGAIN

IF HE GETS A KISS FROM A YOUNG PRINCESS.

>>> WELL, THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN HAS ENTERED DAY 32

WITH BOTH SIDES SHOWING NO SIGN OF GIVING IN ANY TIME SOON.

HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT ARE TWO PEOPLE WHO JUST HOOKED UP.

>> DOES MY HAIR LOOK OKAY?

>> YOU'RE PERFECT.

>> OKAY. SO --

YOU'RE HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN?

>> YES, YES. WE ARE HERE TO DISCUSS THE SHUTDOWN.

I MEAN, HOW LONG CAN THIS GO ON WITHOUT ANYTHING HAPPENING?

>> YEAH, EXACTLY. BUT YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES NOTHING HAPPENS FOR A VERY LONG TIME --

AND THEN SUDDENLY --

EVERYTHING HAPPENS.

>> UH-HUH. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PARTIES NEED TO DO

TO OPEN THE GOVERNMENT BACK UP?

>> LOOK, COLIN. IT'S ALL ABOUT COMMUNICATION.

THEY JUST NEED TO GET IN THE ROOM TOGETHER AND SAY HI.

>> HI.

>> HI.

>> OKAY. AND THEN WHAT?

>> AND THEN MAYBE -- REPUBLICANS ARE LIKE --

ARE WE DOING THIS?

>> YEAH, THEN DEMOCRATS ARE LIKE --

I'VE WANTED TO FOR SO LONG.

>> YEAH. BUT -- MAYBE THE REPUBLICANS ARE SCARED BECAUSE --

THEIR GOVERNMENT HASN'T BEEN OPENED IN --

A LONG TIME.

GOD. NOT SINCE JASON, ACTUALLY.

>> WHO IS -- WHO'S JASON?

IS HE, LIKE, A CONGRESSMAN?

>> HE'S NOT A MAN.

>> OKAY. I THINK DEMOCRATS ARE PRETTY UPSET

THAT TRUMP HAS DECIDED TO BUILD HIS WHOLE BALLROOM DURING THE SHUTDOWN.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT?

>> YES. TYPICALLY DURING A SHUTDOWN, YOU WOULDN'T SEE A PRESIDENT

CONTINUING WITH A PROJECT THIS SIZE.

>> YES, DEMOCRATS NEED TO SAY, LOOK, IT'S TOO BIG.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TRY SOMETHING SMALLER?

>> YEAH, AND WHO KNOWS. REPUBLICANS MIGHT EVEN SAY --

SMALLER SOUNDS GREAT.

I PREFER IT.

>> YOU PREFER IT?

>> DEMOCRATS ARE LIKE, I WANT TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW.

>> AND REPUBLICANS ARE LIKE, HERE?

IN COLIN'S DRESSING ROOM?

>> OH MY -- MY DRESSING ROOM? HOW LONG WERE YOU IN THERE FOR?

>> OH, GOD. LET ME THINK.

'CAUSE IT WAS COUCH. THEN IT WAS A DESK?

>> NO, WE WANTED TO BUT THERE WAS STUFF ON THE DESK.

>> OH, THAT'S RIGHT, THEN WE DID DOOR.

>> WE WERE AT DOOR FOR A WHILE.

>> COUCH, THEN DOOR,

THEN WE JUST -- WE TALKED ABOUT MY BROTHER. >> I LOVED THAT.

>> JUST KIND OF A LOST GUY, I REALLY WORRY ABOUT HIM.

>> YOU GIVE HIM TOO MUCH, YOU GIVE HIM TOO MUCH.

>> YOU SAID THAT, AND I REALLY APPRECIATED IT.

>> YOU'RE SO STRONG. >> THANK YOU.

THEN IT WAS MORE DOOR. >> IT WAS A LOT OF DOOR. A LOT MORE DOOR.

>> AND THEN WE CAME OUT HERE. >> MY GOD, WHAT IS DOOR?

>> LOOK, WE'RE NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT DOOR.

WE'RE HERE BECAUSE REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS, THEY NEED TO GET TOGETHER.

YOU THINK THEY SHOULD GET TOGETHER?

>> OH. NO -- NO, LIKE -- I'M NOT SAYING THEY NEED TO GET MARRIED.

>> I DIDN'T SAY THEY SHOULD GET MARRIED.

>> OKAY, I THINK DEMOCRATS JUST OUGHT TO JUST LIKE CHILL.

>> OH, CHILL? OH, CHILL?

OKAY, DEMOCRATS OUGHT TO JUST CHILL, OH.

THEN WHY DID DEMOCRATS SAY I LOVE YOU DURING DOOR?

>> NOBODY SHOULD BE HELD TO WHAT THEY SAY DURING DOOR.

I THINK DEMOCRATS WOULD HAVE SAID ANYTHING FOR MORE DOOR. >> OKAY.

>> WHAT IS DOOR?

>> WE HAD SEX WITH YOUR DOOR! >> WE HAD SEX WITH YOUR DOOR!

>> OKAY, HERE'S PEOPLE WHO JUST HOOKED UP, EVERYONE.

>>> A GOLDEN RETRIEVER IN VIRGINIA BECAME AN INTERNET CELEBRITY

AFTER HIS OWNERS POSTED VIDEOS OF THE DOG STEALING ITEMS FROM AROUND THE HOUSE.

MEANWHILE, A BLACK LAB WHO DID THE SAME THING GOT THE DEATH PENALTY.

NO JUSTICE FOR THE BLACK LAB. >> NO, NO.

>>> OFFICIALS IN NEW YORK SAY THAT A MANHATTAN PARKING LOT ALONG THE EAST RIVER

WILL BE TURNED INTO AN OUTDOOR GYM.

OH, THAT'S AWESOME. THAT WAY ALL THE PSYCHOTIC VAGRANTS ON STREET

CAN GET SUPER STRONG.

>>> A 101-YEAR-OLD WOMAN FROM NEW JERSEY

SAYS SHE STILL GOES TO WORK SIX DAYS A WEEK.

SADLY ON THE SAME CORNER.

>>> BROADWAY STAR JORDAN LITZ ANNOUNCED

HE WILL BE RUNNING IN TOMORROW'S NEW YORK CITY MARATHON

THEN LATER STAR IN TWO PERFORMANCES OF "WICKED"

AND THEN AFTER THAT DIE.

FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN

PLEASE EDGE

DUE TO RUMORS THAT LAST WEEK'S KILLING WAS THE WORK OF THE INFAMOUS STEAK KNIFE SLASHER.

>> WE DESERVE ANSWERS!

>> WE DON'T WANT TO SPECULATE AT THIS TIME,

BUT HERE TO ANSWER ANY OTHER QUESTIONS IS LEAD HOMICIDE DETECTIVE RAY DUNHAM, RAY?

>> THANK YOU, CHIEF.

NOW FOLKS, LIKE THE CHIEF SAID, WE CAN'T VERIFY ANYTHING ABOUT THE PERP AT THIS TIME.

BUT WHOEVER THIS BASTARD IS, WE'RE GOING TO CATCH HIM.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT ANYTHING ES, I'LL TAKE THOSE NOW.

YOU IN THE FRONT.

>> MARCUS ABOUT ITS, "DAILY TRIBUNE." I'VE GOT A INSIDE SOURCE

THAT SAYS WOUNDS ARE ARE CONSISTENT WITH VICTIMS OF THE SLASHER. COMMENT?

>> FOLKS, I CANNOT COMMENT AT THIS TIME.

NEXT?

>> HI. TINA DOBBS, "TIMES DAILY." WE'VE JUST RECEIVED EYEWITNESS TESTIMONY THAT

QUOTE A FIGURE MATCHING THE SLASHER'S DESCRIPTION

WAS SPOTTED FLEEING THE SCENE. ANY COMMENT AT ALL?

>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT AGAIN NO COMMENT.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT, YOU RIGHT HERE.

>> HI, DAVE ALLEN, "DAILY GAZETTE."

I'VE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM DC COMICS.

DEAR MR. ALLEN, WE'VE RECEIVED YOUR UNSOLICITED SOLICITATION

AND REGRET TO INFORM YOU WE WILL NOT BE PUBLISHING YOUR GRAPHIC NOVEL "GARGIRL."

HALF AT THIS TIME NOR ANY TIME IN THE FUTURE.

THOUGHTS?

>> YEAH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

>> WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF IT? SOUND LIKE IT'S A HARD PASS?

>> YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE A HARD PASS TO ME.

NEXT, YOU RIGHT HERE.

>> HEY, STEVEN CRI IS. T, "DAILY TODAY."

GOT A QUOTE FROM THE VICTIM'S FAMILY SAYING,

WE KNOW IT WAS THE SLASHER, COPS ARE COVERING IT UP.

PRETTY DAMNING, IS IT NOT?

>> IF YOU'RE GOING TO AND STUFF I CAN'T ANSWER, I'M GOING TO END THIS NOW. SORRY

>> DAVE ALLEN, LOCAL AUTHOR. DO YOU THINK THEY WANT A REWRITE?

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? >> A REWRITE OF "GARGIRL."

DO YOU THINK THEY WANT TO SEE A REWRITE OF "GARGIRL"?

>> BUDDY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT GARGIRL IS.

>> HALF GARGOYLE, HALF GIRL, ALL JUSTICE.

CRIME FIGHTER WITH THE POWERS OF A GARGOYLE AND PROBLEMS OF A TEENAGE GIRL.

CRUSHING VILLAINS BY NIGHT. CRUSHING ON A QUARTERBACK BY DAY.

THOUGHTS?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THOUGHTS? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR HERE?

>> DO YOU LIKE IT? DO YOU LIKE "GARGIRL"? DO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA?

>> YES, OKAY. YEAH, I DO. IT SOUNDS ACTION PACKED,

AND I THINK IT'S COOL THAT IT DEALS WITH REAL PROBLEMS FACING KIDS TODAY.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?

>> NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.

>> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. NOW, WHO'S NEXT? YOU.

>> YEAH, HI. DICK MUSK. TOMORROW TO DAILY.

WHAT EXACTLY DOES POWERS OF A GARGOYLE MEAN?

>> I'LL TAKE THIS ONE. DAVE ALLEN, CREATOR OF GARGIRL.

SHE TRANSFORMS AT NIGHT. CLAWS, FANGS, WINGS, THE ULTIMATE CRIME-FIGHTING CREATURE.

WHO'S NEXT? RIGHT HERE.

>> ANNA SMITH SANCHEZ, "DAILY NEWS TODAY."

IT SOUNDS LIKE PUBERTY. ANY COMMENTS?

>> DAVE ALLEN, VISIONARY AUTEUR,

SPOT ON, EXCELLENT READ OF THE SUBTEXT.

ANY QUESTIONS?

>> HOW POPULAR IS GARGIRL AT SCHOOL?

-- ENOUGH, WE AREN'T HERE TO TALK ABOUT GARGIRL.

THERE'S BEEN A MURDER, YOU GUYS.

>> HEY, YOU SHUT UP, YOU!

YOU WON'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!

SHUT UP

>> JESUS, OKAY, FINE.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WHAT ELSE DO WE WANT TO KNOW ABOUT GARGIRL?

ALL RIGHT, YES, YOU, SIR.

>> ALFONSO JULIAN, MURDERER.

HOW DID GARGIRL BECOME GARGIRL?

>> DAVE ALLEN, VOICE OF A GENERATION.

A GUY WHO WORKS IN A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT FALLS INTO A VAT OF NUCLEAR WASTE.

HE GOES HOME AND YANKS ONE OUT INTO THE TOILET.

FLASHED HE CONTAMINATED THE WATER SUPPLY WITH A RADIOACTIVE LOAD

WHICH EVAPORATED INTO THE CLOUDS WHICH RAINED DOWN THE LOAD ONTO A GARGOYLE.

>> WAIT, ARE YOU SAYING GARGIRL IS A GARGOYLE THAT TURNS INTO A GIRL,

NOT A GIRL THAT TURNS INTO A GARGOYLE?

>> YES. YES, I AM.

>> OKAY. WHOA. WELL, THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING I THOUGHT I KNEW ABOUT GARGIRL.

>> WHAT? THIS STORY IS RIDICULOUS.

WHY WOULD A GUY WHO FELL INTO NUCLEAR WASTE GO HOME

AND IMMEDIATELY CRANK ONE OUT INTO THE TOILET?

>> HE WAS EXCITED TO BE ALIVE.

>> JESUS CHRIST. YOU, SIR, THE MURDERER.

YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL FOR A LONG TIME, PAL.

>> OKAY, WELL -- AT LEAST I'LL GET SOME READING DONE.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, BRANDI CARLILE.

Human

Baby, you're only gonna HURT YOUR BACK

LOOKING DOWN LIKE THAT ¶

¶ CUT YOURSELF A LITTLE MORE SLACK ¶

¶ BABY YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A HEART ATTACK ¶

¶ AND THEY WON'T THANK YOU

THEY DON'T MAKE AWARDS FOR THAT ¶

¶ WE KNOW BY NOW

THAT TIME DOES NOT TAKE SIDES

WE'RE ONLY HUMAN ¶

¶ I DON'T NEED TO SEE HOW IT ENDS

TO TELL YOU THAT WE'LL NEVER BE HERE AGAIN ¶

¶ WE'RE ONLY HUMAN

I JUST WANNA FEEL MY FACE IN THE SUN ¶

¶ I NEVER REALLY WANTED TO HURT ANYONE

FOREVER ONLY MEANS WE HAD A GOOD RUN ¶

¶ WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH

BEING HUMAN ¶

¶ IT'S NOT LIKE

WE'RE EVER REALLY GONNA LEARN ¶

¶ AND I'M NO ANGEL

I KNOW WE'RE GONNA WATCH IT BURN ¶

¶ AND BABY

THERE ISN'T ANYWHERE TO RUN ¶

¶ AND I WON'T BLAME YOU

FOR SEEING ALL THE BEAUTY IN A WILDFIRE SUN ¶

¶ TOMORROW ISN'T NOTHING

BUT A GAME THAT WE USED TO PLAY

AND WE'RE ONLY HUMAN ¶

¶ I DON'T NEED TO SEE HOW TO IT ENDS

TO TELL YOU THAT WE'LL NEVER BE HERE AGAIN ¶

¶ BABE WE'RE ONLY HUMAN

I JUST WANNA FEEL MY FACE IN THE SUN ¶

¶ I NEVER REALLY WANTED TO HURT ANYONE

FOREVER ONLY MEANS WE HAD A GOOD RUN ¶

¶ WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW TO RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH BEING HUMAN ¶

¶ WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW TO RIGHT NOW

IT'S HARD ENOUGH

BEING HUMAN ¶

¶ BABY WHEN YOU WAKE UP AND IT WASN'T A DREAM ¶

¶ AND YOU'RE TIRED OF CRYING YOU'RE TOO BROKEN TO SCREAM ¶

¶ SHAKE YOUR FIST AT THE CITY LET IT RIP AT THE SEAMS

BE HUMAN ¶

¶ YOU'RE GONNA HAMMER THE STREET WITH YOUR HANDS AND YOUR FEET ¶

¶ LET THE BITTERNESS DIE FALL IN TIME TO THE BEAT

WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE EYES OF THE STRANGERS YOU MEET ¶

¶ BE HUMAN

DATE

PICKED.

>> YEAH, YOU SAID IT WAS THE BEST ITALIAN RESTAURANT IN NEBRASKA. >> UH-HUH.

>> BUONA SERA.

I AM LEONARDO. >> I AM DAVINCI.

A BIG WELCOME TO THE LADY.

>> YES, A BIG WELCOME TO THE LADY AND A LITTLE WELCOME TO THE MAN, HA HA HA!

>> THANK YOU. >> THANK YOU?

>> NOW, TELL ME, DO YOU LIKE TO EAT PASTA?

YES OR GNOCCHI?

>> YES, TELL ME, ARE YOU A PRO-PASTA OR ANTI-PASTI?

>> WE ARE FUNNY. >> WE ARE GUYS THAT ARE FUNNY.

>> YOU ARE. WE LOVE THIS.

>> NOW WE TELL YOU ABOUT THE MENU.

>> BEFORE YOU START, I SHOULD TELL YOU, I'M ALLERGIC TO A LOT OF STUFF.

SHRIMP FOR SURE. >> OH, HON, JUST HAVE FUN TONIGHT.

>> NOT HOW IT WORKS.

>> OKAY, NOW OUR SPECIAL TONIGHT IS A CACIO E PEPE.

MAYBE LATER YOUR WIFE CATCH-E MY PEPE.

>> OKAY! >> OKAY?

JOKE

>> NOW CAN WE OFFER YOU SOME WINE?

>> GREAT, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. >> BE RIGHT BACK.

>> OH, THESE GUYS ARE SO GREAT.

>> THEY'RE ACTING LIKE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

>> HONEY, YOU'RE NOT BAD. >> NOT BAD?

>> OKAY. FOR THE WOMAN, THERE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WINE IN THE WORLD.

AND FOR THE MAN, SOME PURPLE STUFF THAT I FOUND.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> YES, WE ALSO BROUGHT SOME APPETIZERS.

>> WELL, I DON'T HAVE SILVERWARE.

>> AH, YES. HAVE YOU HEARD OF FARM TO TABLE? >> OF COURSE.

>> OKAY, WELL WE TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL, FARM TO MOUTH.

>> YES. TAKE SOME, SINIORA.

>> OH, WOW.

MY GOSH. DELICIOUS.

>> AND IS THERE ANYTHING FOR ME? >> YES, OF COURSE, FOR THE MAN.

>> SALAD, SALAD FOR YOU.

MORE SALAD, A TOSSED SALAD. TOSSED SALAD.

>> I'VE HAD ENOUGH SALAD. >> OH, YES, MAYBE JUST ONE MORE.

>> NO, I'VE HAD ENOUGH SALAD, THANK YOU.

>> THE CAD WANT TO TALK TO THE CHEF.

>> YOU DON'T LIKE THE SALAD, NO PROBLEM.

>> CHEF MARIO!

>> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT YOU'D BE ITALIAN.

>> OH. WELL, IF WE SHARING THOUGHTS, I THINK YOU LOOK LIKE A OLD BOY.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

>> OH, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH. MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET THE FOCACCIA.

GET THE FOCACCIA.

>> I CAN PLAY YOUR GAME.

I'M NOT ALFREDO YOU,

AND IF YOU'RE THINKING OF A TIP, BRUSCHETTA ABOUT IT.

>> FUNNY GUY, FUNNY GUY.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BRANDI

RAMI GILLIS

LORNE