Original subtitles

>>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY, MATTHEW, MAKE A WISH.

>> OKAY.

GOSH, THANKS SO MUCH, KELSEY, THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,

ESPECIALLY WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON IN THE WORLD,

GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN, AI, JUST SO MUCH UNCERTAINTY.

BUT THE FACT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER FOR ME

MEANS A LOT.

>> WELL, OF COURSE.

HEY, MATT, LOOKS LIKE SOME SPECIAL GUESTS JUST ARRIVED.

>> OH, MY GOD, KELSEY, DID YOU FLY OUT MY BEST FRIENDS?

>> OH, NO, I FLEW OUT MY BEST FRIENDS.

>> HEY.

FOR THOSE OF YOU HAVE HAVEN'T MET, I'M KELSEY'S BESTIE.

WE WENT TO NURSING SCHOOL TOGETHER

BUT I DIDN'T GRADUATE.

HELP

PILLS

TRUE

DIDN'T I GOT MY BFF DEGREE

BECAUSE I MET KELSEY'S BESTIES, AKA THE KELSQUAD.

HEY

>> OH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BUT YOUR FRIENDS ARE GIVING A SPEECH.

SO GOOD.

>> LAST MONTH, KELSEY ASKED YOU TO GO ON A TRIP WITH HER

TO FIND THE MOST MAGICAL BIRTHDAY PRESENT FOR MATTHEW.

>> THEY SAY DISNEY'S THE MOST MAGICAL PLACE ON EARTH.

>> BUT WE'RE BANNED FROM THERE, SO WE WENT TO NASHVILLE.

¶ OUR KELSEY CALLED US BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO ¶

¶ FIND A REALLY GOOD GIFT FOR MATTHEW ¶

¶ WE WERE AVAILABLE BECAUSE WE LOVE HER ¶

¶ AND BECAUSE WE WANTED THE DELTA POINTS ¶

>> WOW, YOU LADIES SURE LOVE TRAVELING TOGETHER.

WHY ARE YOUR SCHEDULES SO OPEN?

¶ AND KELSEY SET ONE BOUNDARY

SHE SAID THIS TRIP ¶ ¶ WAS MEANT TO BE

JUST ABOUT A GIFT FOR MATT ¶

AND NOT NOT ABOUT ABOUT

SEEING THE ONE ¶ ¶ GUY SHE WAS THINKING OF ¶

>> WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF? >> YOU, DUMMY.

BUT I NEEDED TO FOCUS ON GETTING YOU AN AWESOME GIFT.

>> BUT I OPENED MY GIFT ALREADY. YOU GOT ME A HOODIE FROM HUDSON NEWS.

¶ WHILE WE WENT OUT

KELS SAT ALONE IN THE HOTEL ¶

¶ AND SAID I DON'T REALLY FEEL WELL ¶

¶ I NEED TO BE ALONE

WHEN WE GOT HOME ¶

¶ WE PULLED BACK ALL OF THE COVERS ¶

¶ AND WE SAW THAT THERE WAS JUST

A PUNCH OF PILLOWS ¶

¶ WE CHECKED IN WITH THE FRONT DESK THEY SAID SHE LEFT ¶

¶ IN A BIKINI ABOUT FOUR HOURS AGO ¶

¶ SHE WAS HOLDING TWO GRAND IN CASH

AND SHE ¶ ¶ ONLY CHOSE TO BRING HER BURNER PHONE ¶

¶ ONE NIGHT WITH DOMINGO ¶

>> OKAY, SO DOMINGO WAS IN NASHVILLE?

>> YOU COULD HAVE COME ON THE TRIP, BABE.

>> NO I COULDN'T, I WAS IN ALBANY ATTENDING A SELF-WORTH SEMINAR.

>> OUR NASHVILLE TRIP WAS MAGIC.

LIKE DID SOMEONE SAY ABRACADABRA?

>> NO, NO ONE DID.

>> BABE, I PROMISE, THIS NEXT SONG WILL NOT BE ABOUT DOMINGO.

¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO ¶ ¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO ¶

¶ THERE'S A MAN WITH A GOATEE

AND A GOLD CHAIN ¶ ¶ AT THE BAR

KELSEY TELLS HIM I GOT A BRAZILIAN ¶

¶ IN THE HOPES THAT YOU'D BE HAR ¶

>> YOU GOT A BRAZILIAN WAX FOR DOMINGO?

¶ WE WENT TO THE GRAND OLE OPRY

DOMINGO PLAYED GUITAR ¶

¶ KELSEY HAD TEARS IN HER EYES

SAID AS A LOVER ¶ ¶ MATT'S SUBPAR ¶

¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO ¶

>> YES, OKAY FINE. I SAW HIM IN NASHVILLE.

BUT BABE, I PROMISE, DOMINGO IS IN THE PAST.

>> KELSEY, I'M HERE.

>> DOMINGO!

>> HEY MAN, CAME ALL THIS WAY.

NO, JUST KIDDING, I LIVE VERY CLOSE BY.

KELSEY, THE NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN NASHVILLE

WAS ANYTHING BUT ORDINARY.

¶ I KNOW THAT YOU TOOK A VOW

BUT I AM SO WELL-ENDOWED ¶

¶ KELSEY WE GOT A NOISE COMPLAINT

WE SHOOK THE WHOLE HOTEL ¶ ¶ A NOISE COMPLAINT

I COME IN AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE ¶

¶ BECAUSE I RESPECT THAT YOU ARE A WIFE ¶

>> FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS NOT IN ANY OF YOUR VOCAL RANGES.

ALSO WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE 2,000 IN CASH?

>> I GOT A VERY EXPENSIVE BRAZILIAN AS WELL.

MUSICA MAESTRO!

¶ NASHVILLE WAS SUCH A PRIDE

AND I'M THE BULL ¶ ¶ SHE LIKES TO RIDE ¶

¶ KELSEY WE GOT A NOISE COMPLAINT ¶

¶ WE SHOOK THE WHOLE HOTEL A NOISE COMPLAINT ¶

¶ I MAY BE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

BUT I RESPECT ¶ ¶ THAT YOU ARE A WIFE ¶

>> KELSEY, I'M SERIOUS, THIS IS STRIKE SIX.

>> HEY, BABE, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

HOST

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SABRINA CARPENTER!

THANK

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

LAST TIME I WAS HERE FOR THE 50th ANNIVERSARY

WHERE I GOT TO SING WITH PAUL SIMON.

SINCE THEN, MY NEW ALBUM "MAN'S BEST FRIEND" CAME OUT,

WHICH I'M EXCITED ABOUT.

BUT SOME PEOPLE GOT A LITTLE FREAKED OUT BY THE COVER.

NOT SURE WHY, IT WAS JUST THIS.

ME ON ALL FOURS WITH AN UNSEEN FIGURE PULLING MY HAIR.

BUT WHAT PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE IS THAT'S JUST HOW THEY CROPPED IT.

IF YOU ZOOM OUT, IT'S CLEARLY A PICTURE FROM THE 50th ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL

OF BOWEN HELPING ME UP BY THE HAIR.

AFTER MARTIN SHORT SHOVED ME OUT OF THE BUFFET LINE.

SAYING SOMETHING LIKE DADDY NEED HIS MINI QUICHE.

NOW SINCE I'M HERE, I WANT TO CLEAR UP SOME MISCONCEPTIONS PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT ME.

EVERYONE THINKS OF ME AS THIS HORN-DOG POP STAR.

BUT THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO ME.

I'M NOT JUST HORNY, I'M ALSO TURNED ON.

I'M SEXUALLY CHARGED.

AND I LOVE TO READ.

MY FAVORITE BOOK IS THE ENCYCLOPEDIA.

IT'S SO BIG AND IT'S HARD --

WAIT, SERIOUSLY. SORRY,

THERE IS A REAL PERSON UNDER ALL THE SPARKLES, CORSETS AND WIGS,

ANOTHER THING YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT ME

IS I LOVE TO INTERACT WITH THE AUDIENCE DURING MY SHOWS.

I'D LIKE TO DO THAT NOW.

HI, SIR, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> MY NAME IS WILL.

>> WILL, WHAT A SEXY, UNUSUAL NAME, WILL.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM? >> MARYLAND.

>> MARYLAND, OH, WHAT A SEXY, UNUSUAL PLACE.

SEE, I LOVE TALKING TO NORMAL PEOPLE.

THEY'RE SO FASCINATING WHEN THEIR REAL.

LIKE YOU SIR, HI, WHAT DO YOU DO FOR WORK.

>> VENTURE CAPITAL. >> AWESOME.

BUT HONESTLY, I CAN HAVE CHEMISTRY WITH LITERALLY ANYTHING.

LIKE THIS GUY.

I CAN'T WITH YOU, YOU LOOK LIKE MY BROTHER.

I'M GOING BACK UP HERE.

SO ANOTHER FUN THING I LIKE TO DO AT MY CONCERTS

IS ARREST SOMEONE FOR BEING HOT. WHO CAN I ARREST TONIGHT.

>> NOT SO FAST, SABRINA CARPENTER,

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST. >> FOR BEING HOT?

NO. MORE FOR FALSELY IMPERSONATING AN OFFICER AT CONCERTS

AND ARRESTING HOT PEOPLE.

>> KENAN, YOU'RE NOT A COP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HER

FINE

>> I'M HERE FOR A CAMEO FOR MY NIECE.

>> I WOULD LOVE TO, DO YOU HAVE $200,000?

>> GOODBYE.

>> IF ANYONE ELSE WANTS ONE, FIND ME ON VENMO.

WE HAV

STICK

HI SNACK HOMIEZ

THE PODCAST ABOUT SNACKS WITH YOUR HOMIES.

I'M BRAYLOR HERE WITH JASON, KYLER AND TAYSON.

BOYS

>> HEY, I'M KYLER. >> GAME GAME.

>> WE'RE LOWKEY 12 YEARS OLD,

EXCEPT TYLER IS 13, HE'S UNC.

>> NO, I'M NOT. I'M NOT.

>> CHILL, BRO, CHILL.

>> AND HE GOT THE LeBRON HAIRLINE LOWKEY.

>> STOP.

>> SO IT'S SPOOKY SEASON.

YOU KNOW WE GOT TO TALK BEST HALLOWEEN CANDY.

TAYSON, DO THE HONORS BRA. >> I BET.

I'M GOING TO KICK THINGS OFF WITH A CONTROVERSIAL PICK, TWIZZLERS.

>> WHAT? >> OH, NO.

>> NAH TWIZZLERS ARE WASH, THEY FELL OFF.

>> IT'S LIKE CHEWING A TIRE, BRO.

>> I DON'T KNOW, TWIZZLERS ARE FIRE TO ME.

I'M A BIG TWIZZLERS GUY.

>> BET. ALL RIGHT. JASON.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY AIRHEADS.

>> AIRHEADS ARE FIRE TBH.

>> OKAY, WHAT FLAVOR, RED, WHITE, MYSTERY?

>> DEFINITELY BLUE.

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY BLUE. >> BLUE IS VALID, BLUE IS FIRE.

>> YOU GUYS -- YOU GUYS TRY THE SOUR ONES?

>> FIRE. >> FIRE.

>> GOT TO TRY THEM.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY SNICKERS, I'M A NUT GUY. PAUSE.

>> CHILL. >> CRAZY.

>> NO. >> FACTS, FACTS.

OKAY. LET'S GO TO THE NEXT TOPIC, GOATED VEGETABLES.

WHAT DO WE THINK, FELLOWS, DOWN WITH GOATED VEGETABLES?

>> IT'S KIND OF A COMPLICATED QUESTION.

SOME VEGETABLES ARE FIRE,

AND SOME VEGETABLES LOWKEY BE A FRUIT.

LIKE AVOCADO.

>> YO, WHAT EVEN IS THAT?

>> HOW DOES IT HAVE LIKE A WOODEN BALL IN THE CENTER?

>> YO, YO. BUT MISS ME WITH TOMATOES THOUGH,

THAT TEXTURE, NAH.

>> YO, TOMATO IS LIKE IF A APPLE WAS A GIRL.

>> SO FACTS. BUT GIRLS ARE FIRE.

>> YEAH, EXCEPT MY SISTER, SHE'S LOWKEY CHOP, NOT GOING TO LIE.

>> NEVER HAD A VEGETABLE LOWKEY.

>> WAIT, FOR REAL, UNC? NEVER?

>> NO, IT'S KIND OF GROSS.

>> KYLER, THEY'RE LIKE IMPORTANT THOUGH.

>> NAH, VEGGIES ARE LOWKEY CHOPPED.

THEY'RE COOKED.

>> ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE COOKED.

>> WAIT, SO YOU'VE NEVER HAD LIKE A LETTUCE?

>> NO LETTUCE IS CHOPPED.

>> LETTUCE IS FIRE WHEN IT'S CHOPPED.

>> NO CHOPPED LIKE LETTUCE IS COOKED.

BUT FIRE, THAT'S FIRE. >> SO FIRE.

>> ACTUALLY FIRE.

>> COOL. I'M GETTING A LITTLE LOST ACTUALLY.

>> YEAH, ME TOO. SO FIRE.

OKAY. LET'S MOVE ON TO TODAY'S GUEST,

YOU KNOW HIM, HE'S ALL OVER TIKTOK,

PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.

>> HELLO, SNACKHOMIEZ, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

WITH REGARD TO SNACKS AND FRIENDSHIP

AND FROM THE STANDPOINT OF PODCASTS.

>> SO SIR, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE VEGETABLE?

>> YOU KNOW, BRAYLOR, I'VE NEVER BEEN ONE FOR THE VEGGIES.

DING-DONGS, I LIKE A DING-DONG.

WE LOVE LITTLE DEBBIE, SHE DOES TREMENDOUS WORK.

IT'S AWFUL WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.

I LIKE THE CHRISTMAS TREE CAKE. THE CHRISTMAS TREE CAKE.

YOU KNOW, IT USED TO BE SEASONAL.

BUT I VERY SMARTLY MADE A CALL,

NOW WE GET IT YEAR ROUND.

>> DANG! THAT IS SO FIRE, SIR.

>> IT IS, VERY FIRE. VERY FIRE.

>> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON AIRHEADS?

>> YOU KNOW, AIRHEADS, VERY INTERESTING TASTE.

LOOK AT CHINA, LOOK AT KOREA,

YOU KNOW. I'VE SOLVED LIKE SEVEN WARS AT THIS POINT, RIGHT,

AND NO ONE GIVES ME CREDIT.

IT'S LIKE 100 WARS I'VE SOLVED RIGHT. >> SURE.

>> SOMETHING LIKE 200 WARS. RIGHT?

YOU KNOW ZELENSKYY, HE ASKED FOR TOMAHAWKS THAT COULD REACH MOSCOW,

AND I USED TO NOT LIKE THE GUY, BUT HE'S TOUGH,

HE LOVES HIS COUNTRY. HE LOVES HIS COUNTRY.

YOU KNOW WHO I LIKE IS GEORGE SANTOS,

HE'S WEIRD, HE'S A LIAR. I THINK HE'S GREAT.

WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM, HE'S ONE OF OUR FAVORITE PEOPLE.

I DON'T KNOW HIM AT ALL BUT ONE OF OUR FAVORITE PEOPLE.

PEOPLE ARE MARCHING BECAUSE THEY'RE HAPPY HE'S FREE.

IT'S A YES KING MARCH. THEY SAY YES KING.

MAYBE IF I THINK ABOUT IT, BLUE AIRHEAD.

>> I TOLD YOU, BRO, THAT'S FIRE. THANK YOU SIR.

>> VERY FIRE, VERY FIRE. NOW,

I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU BOYS.

DO YOU THINK I'M GETTING INTO HEAVEN?

>> UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SIR?

>> AM I GOING TO HEAVEN CHET?

DO I FIT THE CRITERIA IN TERMS OF CHRISTIAN,

WITH REGARD TO ST. PETER AND PEARLY GATES?

>> UM, I DON'T KNOW, SIR.

>> PROBABLY NOT, RIGHT? EPSTEIN.

OH, WELL. YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A GOOD RUN. I HAD A GREAT TIME.

>> CAN I JUST SAY I THINK IT'S KIND OF GOATED

THAT EVERYONE CAN STUFF

>> WELL, YOU'RE WRONG, UNC, THIS IS UNC?

IS KYLER UNC? I SEE THE LeBRON THING NOW I'M LOOKING.

I THINK UNC IS COOKED.

YO, TRUMP JUST VIOLATED, BRO.

CHILL. CHILL.

>> OKAY. FIRE EPISODE EVERYONE.

THANK YOU, SIR, PEACE.

WEEKEND

>> CHRIS AND I ARE GOING TO HANG AT HOME,

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED.

WE'VE HAD SOMETHING TO DO THE PAST FIVE WEEKENDS IN A ROW,

SO I'M VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING LITERALLY NOTHING.

>> WHO IS THAT BABE? >> MY COUSIN,

SHE JUST TEXTED ME -- ALMOST THERE.

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> OH, GOD, I THINK -- I THINK WE HAVE --

>> WE HAVE WHAT?

>> PLANS.

>> FROM BLUMHOUSE, THE STUDIO THAT BROUGHT YOU "INSIDIOUS"

AND ANNABELLE: RISE OF WHOREDOLL,

COMES A TERRIFYING STORY ABOUT WHEN THE THING YOU AGREED TO DO

FOUR MONTHS AGO IS TODAY.

>> HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? >> LET ME THINK.

FOURTH OF JULY, MY MOM'S BARBECUE,

SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO COME TO THE CITY IN THE FALL,

>> WE SHOULD COME VISIT YOU.

>> WE MUST HAVE SET A DATE.

>> WHICH COUSIN IS IT? WHICH COUSIN IS IT?

>> THE ONE WHO RUNS MARATHONS.

>> I HADN'T TRAINED,

YOU REALLY WANT TO GET INTO BERLIN.

>> THE WAY I SEE IT, LOSING TOENAILS IS A BADGE OF HONOR.

>> THIS IS OKAY, THIS IS OKAY. >> CHRIS.

>> YOU HANG OUT, I'LL DO MY OWN THING. >> CHRIS!

>> SHE'S NOT MY COUSIN. >> CHRIS!

HER HUSBAND IS COMING, TOO.

>> THE GUY WHO ALWAYS SHOWS ME YOUTUBE VIDEOS?

>> YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS.

CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN IT.

>> 11 MINUTES?

>> I FOUND AN EMAIL SHE SENT IN AUGUST. >> NO.

>> THEY WANT TO DO DRINKS HERE,

THEN DINNER AT THE VIRAL RAMEN PLACE.

>> SO CROWDED AND OVERHYPED.

>> THEN IMMERSIVE PLAY BASED ON SNOW WHITE.

>> THE ONE YOU'RE PART OF THE SHOW?

>> SEVEN DWARVES, SEVEN LIVES.

>> JUST TELL THEM WE HAVE COVID.

>> THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT.

>> YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE.

>> HEY, WANT TO SEE 1,000 PICTURES OF MY DOG?

>> PLEASE NO, LEAVE ME ALONE. PLEASE!

>> YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE ALONE.

>> I HAVE OPINIONS ON POLITICS, CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO HEAR THEM ALL.

>> IT WILL BE FUN, IT'S JUST ONE NIGHT,

THEN WE HAVE THE REST OF THE WEEKEND TO OURSELVES.

>> WE'RE HERE!

>> WHY DO THEY HAVE SUITCASES?

>> YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE FREE.

>> DIDN'T I TELL YOU?

THEY'RE STAYING UNTIL MONDAY.

>> NO!

>> "PLANS."

TROUBLE

HI SHOPPERS, RHETT AND BEV HERE LIVE ON SHOPTV.

BEV LOOKING ADORABLE.

>> YOU SIR ARE A FLIRT.

>> CALL ME FLIRT RUSSELL.

>> WE HAVE A LOT OF GREAT DEALS COMING UP

LATER IN THE HOUR, THE CRAFTY CHRISTIAN RETURNS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, TIM TUCKER

WITH HIS JESUS TRICK OR TREAT PAILS.

LOOK

>> TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL MY FEET,

WALK WITH CHRIST DOWN THE HALLOWEEN STREET.

>> WOW, HE IS A HOOT. >> I LOVE IT.

>> OUR PRODUCER O'DELL IS OVER THERE SMILING, GOING TO BUY ONE.

SPEAKING OF HALLOWEEN, YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARIEST THING OF ALL IS?

>> WHAT? >> AIRLINE TRAVEL.

>> I HATE IT. >> IT'S THE WORST. SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> THAT'S WHERE THE NEXT SELLER COMES IN,

VIRGINIA DUFFY COMES JOINS US

WITH HER NEW ERGONOMIC NECK PILLOW.

ARE YOU NOT THE SMALLEST THINGS.

>> MY NANA ALWAYS SAID SHORT FOLKS WILL BE TALL IN HEAVEN.

>> MAKE ME A LITTLE SAD, ACTUALLY.

>> TELL US ABOUT THE PILLOW, VIRGINIA.

>> IT'S SIMPLY THE MOST COMFY TRAVEL PILLOW OUT THERE

AND IT STAYS SNUG WITH MAGNETIC SNAPS.

>> AND YOURS FOR $39.99.

PROP IT UP SO THE SHOPPERS CAN SEE ALL THE NEAT CUSHIONS INSIDE.

OKAY

FUN. SNAPS TOGETHER.

THAT'S NEAT.

>> OKAY.

NOT THE BEST ANGLE ON THAT.

OKAY.

>> THIS OUTER LAYER HERE IS MADE OF MEMORY FOAM.

>> THIS INNER LAYER IS FILLED WITH A COOLING GEL.

>> O'DELL WIDEN OUT. >> LAY OFF THE CLOSE-UP, O'DELL.

WIDEN OUT. COOL, COOL, COOL

TWO DIFFERENT LABIA --

LAYERS, LAYERS, VERY NEAT.

>> AVAILABLE IN TEN DIFFERENT COLORS.

WHY WOULD YOU BRING THE PINK ONE.

SO $39.99 ON THAT.

>> LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT MAKES THIS PILLOW SO GREAT. - OKAY

IT'S HOW IT FEELS. IT'S SO SOFT.

FEEL THIS, RHETT.

>> OH, I'M GOOD.

NO, BLUR THIS, O'DELL. BLUR IT!

>> IT'S UNREAL. >> YEP.

>> HOW DOES IT FEEL? >> FEELS A LITTLE WRONG. ACTUALLY.

>> DON'T BE GENTLE, YOU CAN MOVE YOUR HAND AROUND AND MOVE THINGS.

NO DON'T SAY THAT,

OKAY, THINK WE'RE DONE WITH THAT.

>> OKAY. HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THE PHONES.

CALLER YOU'RE ON SHOPTV, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE NECK PILLOW?

>> I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE A LADY'S VA --

HEY!

>> AND IT GETS BETTER. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED THIS LITTLE BALL UP HERE.

>> IT DID CATCH MY EYE A LITTLE BIT.

>> THAT LINES UP WITH YOUR NECK'S PRESSURE POINT. IT ACTUALLY VIBRATES.

>> OF COURSE IT DOES.

>> IF YOU TOUCH IT HERE YOU'LL BE IN HEAVEN. LET ME SHOW YOU.

>> NO, NO! >> NO, NO, NO.

>> NO THANK YOU. >> JUST GOING TO TURN THAT OFF.

>> THANK YOU.

>> BEV, HAVE YOU EVER FELT ANYTHING LIKE THAT?

>> NOT SINCE MY SOPHOMORE YEAR OF COLLEGE. >> BEV!

LET'S PUT THIS DOWN HERE, THAT'S OKAY. OUT OF THE WAY.

$39.99.

NOW VAGINA --

I'M SORRY, VIRGINIA, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I'M TOLD YOU HAVE A SPECIAL OFFER FOR SHOPPERS?

>> IF YOU ORDER IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES,

I'LL UPDATE YOUR PILLOW TO THE DELUXE VERSION FOR FREE.

>> WITH THE FAUX FUR LINING.

THAT IS -- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

YES, LET'S TAKE A CALL.

HEY, CALLER, YOU'RE ON SHOPTV.

>> HI, IS THE DELUXE PILLOW AVAILABLE IN REDHEAD?

>> HANG UP O'DELL.

>> THE FUR IS AVAILABLE IN DARK BROWN OR CAMEL HAIR.

>> OKAY.

NEXT CALLER. HI THERE.

>> YEAH, YOU MAKE ANY THAT ARE LESS PRETTY,

MORE, I DON'T KNOW, LIKE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK?

>> HANG UP, O'DELL.

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIS QUESTION.

>> GOOD. GOOD.

NOW THIS IS MACHINE WASHABLE, CORRECT?

>> IT IS, IT'S EASY TO CLEAN.

NO ONE WANTS TO GET ONE OF THESE STINKY.

YEAH

>> I DO.

>> HANG UP! WHY IS HE STILL ON THE LINE, O'DELL? HANG UP ON HIM.

>> THANKS FOR JOINING US, VIRGINIA.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, I CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL YOU TRY IT OUT.

RHETT, GET IN HERE.

>> OKAY, I'M GOING THROUGH THIS.

HERE I GO. ALL RIGHT.

DON'T PLAY A BABY SOUND EFFECT, O'DELL.

DISGUSTING.

WELL. THIS HAS BEEN FUN, VIRGINIA.

>> I DESIGNED THE PACKAGING MYSELF, CAN I SHOW YOUR VIEWERS THE BOX?

>> I THINK YOU ALREADY DID, HONEY. >> I THINK YOU DID.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS QUICK BREAK.

IT ACTUALLY IS SUPER COMFY.

>>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED ME INTO THIS,

A GIRLBOSS FEMALE CONFIDENCE SEMINAR?

>> IT'S NOT JUST ANY SEMINAR, IT'S QUEEN LISHA,

SHE TEACHES CONFIDENCE THROUGH MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH AND DANCING.

HER SEMINARS ON THE GIRLBOSS GRINDSET LITERALLY FEEL LIKE A PARTY.

HERE SHE COMES NOW.

>> ALL RIGHT. WHO IS EXCITED TO GET THIS GIRLBOSS PARTY STARTED?

>> I AM, QUEEN LISHA.

>> GIRLS, BY COMING HERE, YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE ROAD TO SUCCESS,

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL INSECURITY OR FOMO NO-MO.

NOW

CONFIDENCE. LET'S DO IT, LET'S DANCE PERIOD.

>> THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN.

BUT MAN, THEY'RE REALLY SWINGING HER AROUND, HUH.

>> YEAH, GO OFF, QUEEN LISHA.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> OH, NO, IS SHE OKAY?

>> YEAH.

MAN, MY HEAD.

OKAY. I'M OKAY. NOTHING CAN GET ME DOWN.

NOW LET'S DANCE.

>> ARE WE SURE SHE'S OKAY, IT LOOKS LIKE SHE HIT HER HEAD

DIRECTLY INTO THAT DUMPSTER.

>> SHE'S FINE, GIRL. NOTHING STOPS THE QUEEN.

>> NOW, LISTEN UP, GIRLS, DO YOU WANT YOUR HATERS TO BE JEALOUS?

WELL JEALOUSY IS A DISEASE, AND THE VACCINE, MM-HMM.

- WHAT? - BECAUSE WHEN EVERYONE AROUND YOU,

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FEELING SOMETHING DOING, AND THAT'S ON PERIOD.

LET'S DANCE.

>> OH, I THINK SHE HAS A CONCUSSION,

THAT DIDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

>> THAT JUST MEANS YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, GIRL.

>> GIRLS, TUNE OUT THE FOMO,

GET READY TO FLY LIKE THE ORIGINAL ICON AMELIA EARHART.

SHE BROKE THE GLASS CEILING BY BEING THE FIRST WOMAN TO EVER DIE

AND THAT'S MY PERIOD.

>> THAT WAS JUST NONSENSE.

>> NOW, WHO HERE HAS A PROBLEM?

>> I DO, QUEEN.

SO I'M UP FOR A PROMOTION AT WORK,

BUT I THINK MY COWORKER SUSAN IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME. WHAT DO I DO?

>> GIRL, THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR WOMEN WHO ARE WOMEN.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE CAR OF SUCCESS, THE ONLY THING SUSAN BE IS ANTHONY

AND I'M ON MY PERIOD.

>> SHE NEEDS TO GO TO A HOSPITAL.

YOU GUYS, COME ON, STOP, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE.

>> WHAT IS YOUR DEAL. DO YOU JUST HATE OTHER WOMEN?

>> I'M WORRIED SHE HAS A BRAIN INJURY.

>> ALL RIGHT. NOW WHO HERE WANTS TO BE RICH?

WHO WANTS TO DRIVE A NICE CAR AND LIVE IN A GAY COMMUNITY?

>> DOES SHE MEAN GATED COMMUNITY?

>> WHO WANTS TO HAVE A ROCKING BODY AND BE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS WITH SEAN HAYES?

>> SO SHE DID MEAN A GAY COMMUNITY.

>> IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT, YOU HAVE TO REPLACE YOUR FOMO

WITH FOMO-OMO-NONONO.

WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR? I'LL TELL YOU.

IT STANDS FOR FEAR OF MISSING OUT ON ME

OR NOT ON OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS OF ME

WHILE I'M ON THE WAY TO LIVING MY DREAM LIFE IN THE CAR OF SUCCESS.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT STANDS FOR.

AND YOU JUST GOT YOUR PERIOD.

>> WAIT, SO THAT WAS PLANNED?

STOP, DANCING, YOU'RE GOING TO HURT HER AGAIN.

>> AH, ANOTHER WINDOW SUCCESSFULLY REPAIRED.

SUPPOSE I'LL JUST BE ON MY WAY.

THAT WAS A RELIEF, MY WINDOW IS SAFE.

NO!

WHAT WAS THAT?

>> QUEEN LISHA, MY GIRL, WE GOT TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

YOU CLEARLY HAVE A CONCUSSION.

>> DO I?

OR IS YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY SO DEEP ROOTED

THAT A WOMAN BEING CONFIDENT

AND INSPIRING JUST SOUNDS LIKE NONSENSE TO YOU?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

THANKS QUEEN LISHA.

LOVING

>> YEAH.

LIL' EXTRA GEL IN MY HAIR TONIGHT.

>> LET'S GET CRAZY.

¶ YOU KNOW IT, GIRL IT'S FINALLY TIME

I SEEN YOU EYEIN' ME AT SCHOOL ¶

¶ IT'S BEEN ON BOTH OF OUR MINDS ¶

¶ AND I'M FEELIN' GROWN

TWELVE SPRAYS OF MY DAD'S COLOGNE ¶ >> NICE!

¶ WE COULD GET GET PG-13

IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN ¶

¶ IT'S ALMOST SIX PM

TIME TO HIT THE TOWN ¶

¶ JUST GOT MY BRACES TIGHTENED

BOY IT'S GONNA GO DOWN ¶

¶ I CAN'T DENY IT, NO

MIGHT HAVE TO TRY IT, YEAH ¶

¶ YEAH THAT ONE SPECIAL THING

I KNOW JUST WHATCHA MEAN ¶

¶ AND WE'RE IN MY MOM'S CAR

ROLLIN' UP TO THE SCHOOL ¶

¶ CHERRY CHAPSTICK ON

YEAH WE'RE BREAKIN' THE RULES ¶

¶ AND I KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG

BUT IT'S FEELING SO RIGHT

WE'RE 13 BUT TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT ¶

¶ WE'RE GONNA GRIND BACK AND FORTH

GONNA FREAK WITH THE FRICTION ¶

¶ IT'S GRIND TIME

WE GOT NO RHYTHM AND GOT NO INHIBITIONS ¶

¶ OVER THE PANTSIN' ROMANCIN'

HOT AND HEAVY WE'RE DANCIN'

IT'S GRIND TIME

AND THE GYMNASIUM'S JUMPIN' ¶

¶ OUR BODIES ARE CHANGING

AND SO IS THE BEAT

BUT I TRY NOT TO SCREAM

WHILE SHE STEPS ON MY FEET ¶

¶ I'MA DO WHAT I PLEASES

NO ROOM FOR JESUS ¶

¶ WE GETTING' FREAKAY TONIGHT

DESPITE THE DIFFERENCE IN HEIGHT ¶

>> OW, WHAT IS THAT? IT'S STABBING ME IN THE BACK.

>> I DON'T KNOW AND I'M SCARED.

¶ WE'RE GONNA GRIND FRONT TO FRONT

BUTT TO FRONT TO KNEE

IT'S GRIND TIME ¶

¶ GETTING' LOOSE OFF THE SUN CAPRI

I GOT MY BUTT ON HIS CROTCH'N ¶

¶ ALL THE CHAPERONES WATCHIN' ¶

>> HI, MOM. >> CAROLINE, ENOUGH!

PRINCIPAL ATKINS, DO SOMETHING!

PRINCIPAL ATKINS?

¶ I COULD BE WRITING MY NOVEL

UPSTATE IN A COTTAGE ¶

¶ INSTEAD I'M STUCK HERE SUPERVISING

PRE-TEEN FROTTAGE ¶

¶ SO I LEAVE MY BODY

LET THEM HAVE THEIR FUN

CUZ NO ONE GRINDED ON ME

WHEN I WAS YOUNG ¶

¶ WE'RE GONNA GRIND

IT'S OUR ADDICTION SO INSANE AND DIRTY

IT'S GRIND TIME ¶

¶ BUT HURRY UP THE DANCE IS DONE AT EIGHT THIRTY ¶

¶ CUZ THIS IS MIDDLE SCHOOL LOVIN'

AWKWARD PUSHIN' AND SHOVIN'

WE'RE GONNA GRIND ¶

REGARDLESS OF THE SONG ¶

>> HEY, CAN YOU TOUCH MY BUTT?

>> I THOUGHT THE GUY WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT TO THE GIRL.

>> NO, NO. I HEAR IT'S WHATEVER THE PERSON WANTS. >> OKAY.

MMM, YOU LIKE THAT? >> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'M CALLIN IT.

¶ WE'RE GONNA GRIND ¶

>> I THINK I LOVE YOU. >> OH, NO THANK YOU.

LADIES

Manchild

¶ YOU SAID YOUR PHONE WAS BROKEN

JUST FORGOT TO CHARGE IT ¶

¶ WHOLE OUTFIT YOU'RE WEARING

GOD I HOPE IT'S IRONIC ¶

¶ DID YOU JUST SAY YOU'RE FINISHED

DIDN'T KNOW WE STARTED ¶

¶ IT'S ALL JUST SO FAMILIAR BABY

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT ¶

¶ STUPID

OR IS IT SLOW

MAYBE IT'S USELESS ¶

¶ BUT THERE'S A CUTER WORD FOR IT

I KNOW ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS COME A-RUNNING TO ME ¶

¶ EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN INNOCENT WOMAN BE ¶

¶ NEVER HEARD OF SELF-CARE

HALF YOUR BRAIN JUST AIN'T THERE ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS COME A-RUNNING ¶

¶ TAKING ALL MY LOVING FROM ME ¶

¶ WHY SO SEXY IF SO DUMB

AND HOW SURVIVE THE EARTH SO LONG ¶

¶ IF I'M NOT THERE IT WON'T GET DONE

I CHOOSE TO BLAME YOUR MOM ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS COME A-RUNNING TO ME ¶

¶ EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN INNOCENT WOMAN BE ¶

¶ NEVER HEARD OF SELF-CARE

HALF YOUR BRAIN JUST AIN'T THERE ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS COME A-RUNNING ¶

¶ TAKING ALL MY LOVING FROM ME ¶

¶ OH I LIKE MY BOYS PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN ALL INCOMPETENT ¶

¶ AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, SING IT, HEY MEN ¶

¶ OH I LIKE MY BOYS PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN ALL INCOMPETENT ¶

¶ AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, HEY MEN ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS COME A-RUNNING TO ME ¶

¶ EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN INNOCENT WOMAN BE ¶

¶ OH I LIKE MY BOYS PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN ALL INCOMPETENT ¶

¶ AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, HEY MEN ¶

WEEKEND

>> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING EVERYONE.

>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.

WELL, YESTERDAY PRESIDENT TRUMP FINALLY RELEASED

WHAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN ASKING HIM TO RELEASE --

GEORGE SANTOS,

THE FORMER REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN

WHO HAD PLED GUILTY TO FRAUD

AND SOMETHING CALLED AGGRAVATED IDENTITY THEFT.

WHICH I THINK IS WHEN YOU PUSH SOMEONE IN A CLOSET AND CHANGE CLOTHES WITH THEM.

IS NOW FREE AND WILL FACE ZERO CONSEQUENCES.

HE'S SAID HE'S A CHANGED MAN

AND ALSO RELEASED A PHOTO OF HIS NEW PRISON BODY.

>> VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY HAS SAID IF PRESIDENT TRUMP SUPPLIES UKRAINE WITH TOMAHAWK MISSILES,

HE WILL NOMINATE TRUMP FOR THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.

YOU KNOW, THE PRIZE THEY GIVE YOU FOR SELLING MISSILES.

THERE WAS OUTRAGE THIS WEEK OVER A LEAKED GROUP CHAT BETWEEN REPUBLICAN LEADERS

WHICH PRAISED HITLER AND REFERRED TO BLACK AMERICANS AS WATERMELON PEOPLE.

THE CHAT WAS NAMED JOST FAMILY.

>> WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?

>> WHILE TRAVELING ON AIR FORCE ONE TO THE MIDDLE EAST TO CELEBRATE THE CEASEFIRE,

PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS, I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING THAT'S GOING TO GET ME INTO HEAVEN.

THEN HE PAUSED FOR TEN FULL MINUTES

WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO SAY THAT'S NOT TRUE.

BECAUSE TRUMP CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN,

HE'S FAR TOO BUSY DOWN HERE, RUNNING HELL.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED THAT ANOTHER ALLEGED DRUG SMUGGLING BOAT FROM VENEZUELA

HAS BEEN BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER WITHOUT WARNING.

YOU MAY NOT THINK THAT'S A BIG DEAL RIGHT NOW,

BUT ONE DAY SOON YOU'LL LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND REALIZE --

YOU'RE OUT OF COCAINE.

PRESIDENT TRUMP CRITICIZED TIME MAGAZINE

FOR USING A BAD PICTURE OF HIM ON THE COVER,

SAYING QUOTE, THEY DISAPPEARED MY HAIR.

AND I GOT TO AGREE. THAT THING DO LOOK WAXED.

>> JOHN BOLTON, WHO WANTS PEOPLE

STOP COMING UP TO HIM TO ORDER CHICKEN,

HAS BECOME THE THIRD PERSON ON PRESIDENT TRUMP'S ENEMIES LIST TO BE INDICTED.

AND YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T LIVING YOUR LIFE RIGHT

WHEN YOU KEEP AN ACTUAL LIST OF YOUR ENEMIES.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY THERAPIST TOLD ME.

SO NOW SHE'S ON THE LIST, TOO.

HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN PORTLAND

SENT A MESSAGE TO I.C.E. TO LEAVE THEIR CITY

BY RIDING THEIR BIKES NAKED THROUGH THE RAIN.

AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT, IT DIDN'T WORK.

>> A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT OF THE NEARLY 100 TRUMP NOMINEES CONFIRMED BY THE SENATE,

ONLY TWO OF THEM WERE BLACK.

TWO BLACK PEOPLE OUT OF 100.

I MEAN WHAT THIS IS, MY TINDER MATCHES?

NOPE.

>> I LIKED IT.

ARGENTINE PRESIDENT JAVIER MILEI,

SEEN ASKING IF HE MAKES YOU HORNY BABY,

MET WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP AT THE WHITE HOUSE THIS WEEK,

WHERE TRUMP ANNOUNCED THAT HE'S SENDING $40 BILLION TO ARGENTINA,

BECAUSE IF HISTORY IS ANY GUIDE,

A LOT OF TRUMP OFFICIALS WILL END UP FLEEING TO ARGENTINA.

HEY, ONE CLAP.

JUST KIDDING.

IN THE CLINCHING GAME OF THE NLCS, DODGERS STAR SHOHEI OHTANI

PITCHED SIX SCORELESS INNINGS, STRUCK OUT TEN BATTERS

AND HIT THREE HOME RUNS,

A FEAT PREVIOUSLY ONLY ACCOMPLISHED

BY GEORGE SANTOS.

>> DURING THE FIRST NEW YORK MAYORAL DEBATE, ANDREW CUOMO ATTACKED ZOHRAN MAMDANI.

SAYING THAT HE ONCE GAVE THE FINGER TO THE COLUMBUS DAY STATUE,

WHEREAS CUOMO SNUCK UP BEHIND THE STATUE AND GRABBED IT BY THE HIPS.

>> HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

IT'S SCARY MOVIE SEASON.

THE RESIDENT CINEPHILE, THE MOVIE GUY.

>> HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT? I'M THE MOVIE GUY.

I'M HERE TALKING ABOUT SCARY MOVIES.

>> OKAY. ALL RIGHT. SCARY MOVIES.

MOVIE GUY, LET'S START WITH BLACK PHONE 2, JUST CAME OUT THIS WEEKEND.

>> OH, YEAH, "BLACK PHONE 2,"

RING RING, HELLO,

OH, NO, SORRY, YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER

BECAUSE I HAVE NOT SEEN THAT ONE YET.

>> OKAY, WELL I GUESS IT JUST CAME OUT.

WHAT ABOUT THE BIGGEST HORROR MOVIE OF THE YEAR, WEAPONS.

>> YEAH, "WEAPONS," THAT WAS A VERY BIG MOVIE.

EVERYBODY SAW "WEAPONS," AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU,

I WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

>> DO YOU EVEN LIKE SCARY MOVIES?

>> I LOVE SCARY MOVIES

BECAUSE IN THE TITLE THEY TELL YOU WHAT GOING TO HAPPEN.

LIKE "SCREAM." EVERYBODY SCREAM.

SMILE, EVERYBODY SMILE.

AND "SAW." EVERYBODY SAW

EXCEPT ME, I DID NOT SEE "SAW."

>> HOW ABOUT CLASSIC HORROR MOVIES LIKE "THE EXORCIST"?

>> THAT'S ABOUT A SCARY CHILD.

YOU KNOW WHO IS THE SCARIEST CHILD?

STEWIE.

>> WHO? >> STEWIE.

>> TOOEY? >> STEWIE GRIFFITH. COME ON.

HIS FATHER IS FAT, HIS MOTHER IS SKINNY,

AND SHE ALWAYS GETTING MAD AT HIM.

I CAN SEE WHY,

HIS HEAD LOOKS LIKE A VAGINA DESTROYER.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT SCARY MOVIES MAN. >> NOT REALLY.

>> WHAT MOVIE IS REALLY SCARY,

THE ONE WITH MICHAEL MYERS.

>> "HALLOWEEN."

>> NO, "SHREK."

THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT EVERY MAN'S BIGGEST FEAR.

YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

AND THEN YOU WAKE UP AND GO HOW DRUNK WAS I LAST NIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, COLIN. YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW.

>> LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS, OKAY?

CAN WE FOCUS ON SCARY MOVIES.

"I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST" SUMMER." >> WHAT DID I DO?

>> I DON'T KNOW. >> SO WHOA WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

>> WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE "IT"? >> I DID NOT SEE THAT.

>> "ALIEN"? >> NO COLIN, I'M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN.

>> ALL RIGHT. MOVIE GUY, I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS TWO MINUTES AGO,

BUT IT'S TIME TO WRAP THIS UP.

>> OKAY. BUT BEFORE I GO, CAN I DO A JOKE?

>> SURE, YOU CAN TELL A JOKE. GREAT.

>> OKAY, THIS IS A JOKE ABOUT A SCARY MOVIE FROM 2008. OKAY?

THE MOVIE IS CALLED "ONE MISSED CALL."

IN THIS MOVIE, THE PHONE RINGS,

AND IF YOU DON'T PICK IT UP, YOU DIE.

AND I'M LIKE, IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT MY MOTHER?

AM I RIGHT, GUYS?

>> MOVIE GUY, EVERYONE. >> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

>> SKIMS HAS INTRODUCED A NEW LINE OF THONG UNDERWEAR CALLED ULTIMATE BUSH

AND FEATURES SYNTHETIC PUBIC HAIR.

AND I KNOW A GUY WHO COULD WEAR IT AS A SCARF.

>> RETAILER ARE SAYING THE TOP KIDS' COSTUMES FOR HALLOWEEN THIS YEAR

ARE THE KPOP DEMON HUNTERS.

OR AT SPIRIT HALLOWEEN, ASIAN SINGING MURDERERS.

VISITORS TO THE SAN DIEGO ZOO'S GORILLA EXHIBIT WERE STARTLED

WHEN ONE OF THE APES SHATTERED THE GLASS --

CEILING.

INSPIRING. >> SO PROUD OF THE APE.

>> BRITAIN'S PRINCE ANDREW ANNOUNCED

AFTER A DISCUSSION WITH KING CHARLES ABOUT HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN,

HE WILL STOP USING HIS ROYAL TITLE DUKE OF YORK

AND INSTEAD WILL GO BY THE KING OF QUINCEANERAS.

I'M PROUD OF THAT JOKE.

DO IT.

>> OFFICIALS ARE SAYING THIS YEAR'S FALL FOLIAGE SEASON

WILL END SOONER AND HAVE MORE MUTED COLORS.

COOL, I GUESS I'LL JUST KILL MYSELF THEN!

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU MAN?

DOCTORS IN CHINA TRANSPLANTED A GENETICALLY MODIFIED PIG LIVER

INTO A MAN WHO LIVED FOR 171 DAYS AFTER THE PROCEDURE.

THE LIVER WILL NOW BE SENT TO A SPECIAL FACILITY

FOR EXPERIMENTAL ANIMAL ORGANS.

YOU OKAY, BUD? >> DOING GREAT.

CENSUS DATA SHOWS THAT NEW YORK

IS RANKED AS ONE OF THE STATES WITH THE MOST RESIDENTS MOVING OUT.

HERE TO TALK ABOUT THAT, SOMEONE WHO JUST MOVED IN,

NEW CAST MEMBER TOMMY BRENNAN.

>> HI COLIN. >> TOMMY, WELCOME.

SO YOU JUST MOVED TO NEW YORK. WHAT DO YOU THINK SO FAR?

>> IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM HOME.

I'M FROM THE MIDWEST, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL FROM MY KIND EYES

AND SECRET DRINKING PROBLEM.

I'M FROM LIKE A BIG MINNESOTAN FAMILY, ONE OF EIGHT KIDS.

>> EIGHT KIDS, WOW, YOU DO NOT SEE THAT A LOT.

>> PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S THE WRONG CHOICE.

EIGHT IS TOO MANY KIDS.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT? WE HAD A CAFETERIA STYLE MILK MACHINE AT HOME.

WE HAD A MILK MAN. TIM THE MILK MAN WAS A BIG PART OF MY LIFE.

HE'D SHOW UP, REPLACE THE MILK, PLAY CATCH, CALL ME SON.

I'D BE LIKE WHY DO I LOOK SO MUCH LIKE YOU?

>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU GREW UP IN THE 1930s.

>> WELL, I DIDN'T, BUT I LOOK LIKE I DID.

I LOOK LIKE A LOCKET PHOTO DURING WORLD WAR I.

I LOOK LIKE A GUY WHO WAS REALLY GOOD AT FOOTBALL PREINTEGRATION.

I WILL SAY I THINK THE WAY I GREW UP

HAS REALLY HELPED ME ADJUST TO NEW YORK.

EVERYONE SAYS PUBLIC TRANSIT IS WILD.

FOR MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD THE TEN OF US RODE

IN A SEVEN-SEATER CHEVY ASTRO VAN.

SO ANYWHERE WE DROVE IT LOOKED LIKE WE WERE BEING TRAFFICKED.

LOVE SUBWAY. I CAN HANG.

WATCHING PEOPLE JUMP OVER THE TURNSTILES,

AND TODAY I WORKED UP THE COURAGE AND JUMPED OVER MY FIRST ONE.

>> CONGRATS,

BUDDY, JUMPED YOUR FIRST TURNSTILE.

>> IT WAS COOL, IT WAS EXHILARATING AND THRILLING.

IT WAS ON THE WAY OUT BUT I

-- IT FELT GOOD, IT COUNTS.

>> IT STILL COUNTS. YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.

>> SURE. YEAH.

I'M A GOOD BOY.

I'M JUST REALLY SCARED OF BEING IN TROUBLE ALL THE TIME

BECAUSE I GREW UP CATHOLIC.

I GREW UP FEELING GUILTY BUT NEVER KNEW WHAT FOR.

IF YOU GREW UP CATHOLIC, ONLY SINS YOU KNOW

ARE LIKE BREAKING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS --

DON'T STEAL, DON'T KILL, RIGHT TO CARRY WEAPONS OR WHATEVER.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY IN CONFESSION.

COULDN'T CONFESS TO THE ONE SIN

ME AND EVERY OTHER 12-YEAR-OLD BOY WERE COMMITTING CONSTANTLY,

WHAT I REFERRED TO THEM AS TOMMY TIME.

YOU KNOW, SHUCKING MY CORN. >> YEP.

>> AT CONFESSION COULDN'T BE LIKE I'VE BEEN GOING TO TOWN ON MYSELF LATELY.

IT'S ALL I DO. CONSUMING MY LIFE, FATHER.

IF I WASN'T IN HERE, THAT'S WHAT I WOULD BE DOING.

CAN'T SAY THAT BECAUSE HE WOULD BE LIKE YOU CAN DO IT IN HERE, I'M DOING IT.

>> TOMMY BRENNAN, EVERYONE. >> I'M SORRY.

>> WEEKEND

NEXT TIME

WASHER AND DRYER?

>> YES. >> ABSOLUTELY.

>> FEAR NOT, WE HAVE PLENTY OF GREAT OPTIONS FOR YOU.

WE HAVE THIS GREAT ECOFRIENDLY MODEL HERE.

LIKE AND WHEN IT'S DONE, IT DOES THIS FUN LITTLE JINGLE.

>> IT IS A FUN JINGLE, WOULDN'T MIND GETTING THAT STUCK IN MY HEAD.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD GET STUCK IN OUR HEAD, OUR ANNIVERSARY, IT'S TODAY.

>> ONCE YOU CHEATED, I CHOSE TO FORGET.

>> WELL, WE ALSO HAVE THIS LG MODEL. IT'S 50% OFF

AND WHEN IT'S DONE, YOU'LL HEAR THIS.

>> OH, HALF OFF, THAT'S GREAT.

>> YEAH, BUT DOESN'T HAVE THAT JINGLE. I REALLY LIKED THAT.

>> WELL, IF IT'S A JINGLE YOU CRAVE, I DO HAVE THIS SPECIAL WASHER AND DRYER DUO,

I DON'T SHOW THESE TO JUST ANYONE.

¶ YOUR CLOTHES ARE DONE YOUR CLOTHES ARE DONE ¶

¶ I WET THEM AND I WASHED THEM AND YOUR CLOTHES ¶ ¶ ARE DONE

I'M THE WASHER

I'M THE DRYER ¶

¶ WE WASHED ALL YOUR CLOTHES GOT THE STAINS RIGHT OUT ¶

¶ AND THEY'RE ALMOST TOTALLY DRY ¶

>> OKAY. WHOA. I REALLY LIKED THAT.

KIND OF A SWINGING '20s VIBE. VERY FUN.

>> I DON'T KNOW, AT THE END THEY SAID CLOTHES WILL BE ALMOST TOTALLY DRY.

SEEMS BAD.

>> MM-HMM, TELL ME MA'AM, DO YOU EVER WASH DELICATES? >> YES, ACTUALLY.

WHEN HE GOES OUT OF TOWN, I TEND TO WASH A LOT OF DELICATES.

¶ OH, CHILD

COME REST YOUR WEARY HEAD ¶

¶ OH, CHILD

I'LL BE DELICATE ¶

>> WE ATE TWO OF YOUR SHIRTS! >> YUM!

>> WOW, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

LOOK, SIR, I'LL BE FRANK, I TEND TO EAT A LOT OF SPAGHETTI ON MY BICYCLE,

HOW IS THE POWER WASH SETTING?

>> YOU TELL ME.

¶ GIMME THAT POWER WASH ¶

>> OH, PERFECT, THAT'S HOW LONG THEY ALL SHOULD BE.

¶ GIMME THAT POWER WASH, GIMME THAT POWER ¶

¶ GIMME THOSE DIRTY CLOTHES I'LL MAKE IT LOUDER ¶

¶ GIMME THAT POWER WASH GO FOR AN HOUR ¶

¶ THEY WON'T GET DIRTIER UNLESS THEY DO ¶

>> SOLD! >> WHAT?

THEY JUST SAID THE CLOTHES MIGHT GET DIRTIER.

>> BABE, LET'S DO A PROS AND CONS LIST.

PROS, THE SONGS ARE DYNAMITE, I'M ATTRACTED TO THE MACHINES.

>> YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT THE PERMANENT PRESS SETTING.

>> WELL, WELL, WELL, YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT PERM NEPT

PLACE. EVEN

>> LET'S TAKE YOU FOR A SPIN.

¶ PERMANENT PRESS ¶

¶ PERMANENT -- PRESS PERMANENT PRESS ¶ ¶ PERMANENT PRESS OH --

PERMANENT -- PRESS ¶ ¶ PERMANENT PRESS PERMANENT PRESS ¶

¶ WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS

>> WE WILL TAKE THEM BOTH. >> SOLD!

BIRTHDAY THE OFFICE?

MAKES A REGULAR DAY FEEL SPECIAL.

>> EVERY DAY IS SPECIAL WHEN I'M WORKING WITH MY CRUSH.

>> LIZ, YOU KNOW I'M MARRIED TO A MODEL.

>> OKAY, ESH, SHE'S COMING. LET'S HIDE.

>> GET THE LIGHTS. >> THE LIGHTS.

>> SURPRISE! >> DON'T HURT ME!

OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.

HAPPY?

>> I'M SORRY, LAURA, WE JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

>> WELL YOU DID,

I'M FEELING PRETTY SPECIAL RIGHT NOW. WHAT?

>> SORRY, WE THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE IT.

>> YOU THOUGHT I'D LIKE WHAT,

WALKING INTO A DARK ROOM THINKING I'M BEING ATTACKED? I ALMOST PASSED OUT.

>> I THINK YOU JUST GOT SCARED AND FARTED A LITTLE.

>> OKAY, CAN WE JUST WORK?

>> LET'S START THE MEETING. I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

>> I MEAN IS THIS WHAT YOU GUYS WANTED, HUH,

TO SEE ME LOSE FULL CONTROL OF MY BODY?

>> LAURA, WE'RE SORRY.

>> HE I MEAN WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET AN IDEA FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

>> IT'S ACTUALLY A COMMON THING. MOST PEOPLE LAUGH.

I MEAN I LAUGHED, TOO, I GUESS, JUST NOT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

WHO DO I SEND THE THANK YOU NOTE TO, EVERYONE OR?

>> WE'RE SORRY, MOST PEOPLE LIKE IT. LET'S JUST PUT IT BEHIND US.

>> NO, SINCE EVERYONE LIKES IT SO MUCH, LET'S SEE

JEN, COME IN HERE PLEASE.

SURPRISE!

SEE?

>> I THINK THAT WAS YOU AGAIN.

>> OKAY. JEN, GO.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CAN I JUST KNOW WHOSE

CAN I JUST KNOW WHOSE IDEA THIS WAS SO I CAN SLEEP TONIGHT?

>> IT WAS MINE.

>> I KNEW IT, YOU'VE BEEN OUT FOR ME SINCE THE BEGINNING.

>> I STARTED A WEEK AGO.

>> YOU WANT MY JOB AND YOU'VE MADE THAT VERY CLEAR.

>> I THINK I'M ABOVE YOU.

>> YOU ARE? >> I THINK SO.

>> IS THAT REAL, IS THAT TRUE? >> I THINK WE ALL ARE.

>> SINCE WHEN? >> OVER TIME WE ALL JUST GOT PROMOTED.

>> BUT I THOUGHT I WAS RIGHT UNDER THE CEO. >> WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

>> I'M THE CSO, IT SAYS IT ON MY MUG YOU GUYS GAVE ME.

>> THAT STANDS FOR CHIEF SNACK OFFICER.

IT WAS A JOKE BECAUSE YOU'RE ADDICTED TO VEGGIE STRAWS.

>> OH, HOW MUCH DO YOU GUYS MAKE? >> WE'RE NOT DOING THAT.

>> HOW MUCH YOU MAKE? >> I'M NOT SAYING.

>> HEY, HOW MUCH YOU MAKE? >> YOU NEED TO STOP.

>> OKAY FINE, RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU MAKE MORE THAN $9.50 AN HOUR.

>> YOU'RE NOT EVEN SALARIED?

>> WHAT EVEN IS THAT. CAN I STILL FIRE PEOPLE?

>> YOU WERE NEVER ALLOWED TO FIRE PEOPLE.

>> COOL. GREAT BIRTHDAY, EVERYBODY.

FARTED AND GOT DEMOTED.

>> YOU WEREN'T DEMOTED, YOU JUST LEARNED WHAT YOUR JOB IS.

>> THEN I GUESS I JUST FARTED.

I GOT TO GO.

>> HEY, LAURA, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. YOU DESERVE A REAL GIFT.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO MAKE YOU HAPPY, MAKE UP FOR ALL THIS?

ANYTHING? >> YEAH, WHATEVER. >> TELL US.

>> TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU MAKE.

>> FINE, 180K.

>> PLUS BENEFITS.

>> AND STOCK OPTIONS.

>> OKAY, GUYS, WE HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS ROOM.

>> WHO IS READY FOR CAKE?

>> NO!

>> WHAT?

>> I THINK WE THOUGHT THE OFFICE WAS GOING TO BLOW UP BECAUSE OF ALL THE --

>> PARTY CITY. JUST GET BALLOONS.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, SABRINA CARPENTER.

Nobody's Son

¶ HI I HOPE YOU'RE GREAT

I THINK IT'S TIME

WE TOOK A BREAK ¶

¶ SO I CAN GROW EMOTIONALLY

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO ME ¶

¶ HERE WE GO AGAIN CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING ¶

¶ ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL FOR A THIRD WHEELING ¶

¶ PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GUESSED HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING ¶

¶ THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME TO BELIEVE IN ¶

¶ ME, NO YEAH I'M GOOD

JUST THOUGHT THAT HE

EVENTUALLY WOULD

CAVE IN, REACH OUT ¶

¶ BUT NO SIREE

HE DISCOVERED SELF-CONTROL

THIS WEEK, OH AH ¶

¶ HERE WE GO AGAIN CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING ¶

¶ ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL FOR A THIRD WHEELING ¶

¶ PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GUESSED HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING ¶

¶ THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME TO BELIEVE IN

BELIEVE IN

¶ THAT BOY IS CORRUPT AH

COULD YOU RAISE HIM TO LOVE ME MAYBE ¶

¶ HE SURE EFFED ME UP AH-AH

AND YES I'M TALKING 'BOUT YOUR BABY ¶

¶ THAT BOY IS CORRUPT AH

GET PTSD ON THE DAILY ¶

¶ HE SURE EFFED ME UP AH-AH

AND YES I'M TALKING 'BOUT YOUR BABY ¶

¶ HERE WE GO AGAIN CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING ¶

¶ ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL

¶ PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE GUESSED HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING ¶

¶ THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME TO BELIEVE IN ¶

SOCIAL

KNOW BUT GROWING UP I WAS ALWAYS TOLD

TO NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER.

BUT WHEN I WATCHED THE NEWS,

I FEEL LIKE NOBODY ELSE REMEMBERS THAT LESSON.

>> NO TEETH. >> YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT TEETH.

>> SO I WANTED TO PUT THAT TO THE TEST TONIGHT WITH A LITTLE SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.

I FILLED A THEATER WITH PROFESSIONAL ACTORS

DRESSED TO LOOK STEREOTYPICALLY DANGEROUS OR SCARY.

NOT THE TYPE ONE MIGHT EXPECT TO ENCOUNTER IN AN UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I WANTED TO SEE IF PEOPLE WOULD JUDGE THEM BASED ON THEIR APPEARANCE.

AND WHAT I FOUND FRANKLY DISAPPOINTED ME.

OKAY. FIRST GUY IS GOING IN.

NOT

THEIR APPEARANCES.

EVEN THIS LADY, WHO I THOUGHT WOULD BE WOKE BECAUSE OF THE HAIRCUT.

MISS, MISS, WHY DID YOU LEAVE THAT MOVIE THEATER?

>> BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS DRESSED AS FRANKENSTEIN,

AND THE MOVIE I WANTED TO SEE DOES NOT HAVE FRANKENSTEIN IN IT.

>> WOW, SO YOU ASSUMED THEY WERE THERE TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT FRANKENSTEIN

JUST BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN?

>> THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN WAS GREEN.

>> SHE JUST SAID THE QUIET PART OUT LOUD.

RACIST

IF YOU WALKED INTO THE THEATER TO SEE THE FANTASTIC 4

AND THE WHOLE AUDIENCE WAS ASIAN, WHAT WOULD YOU ASSUME THEN?

>> WHAT WOULD YOU ASSUME?

>> SLIGHTLY PROBLEMATIC.

>> EVERYONE WAS FAILING MY TEST

AND BEFORE LONG MY FRANKENSTEINS WERE STARTING TO LOSE FAITH.

EVEN MY OWN GIRLFRIEND FAILED

WHEN I PERFORMED THE SAME EXPERIMENT IN HER APARTMENT.

>> WE BROKE UP THREE MONTHS AGO.

RACIST

>> AND AS MY EXPERIMENT EVOLVED,

I FOUND THAT PEOPLE JUDGED ANYONE WHO LOOKED DIFFERENTLY.

EVEN A FRIENDLY FACE.

I HAD REACHED A LOW POINT.

ALSO THAT FRANKENSTEIN I THOUGHT FELL ASLEEP ACTUALLY HAD DIED.

BUT THEN, FINALLY, ONE MAN

WALKED INTO THAT THEATER WITHOUT JUDGMENT.

>> HEY, WHAT'S UP.

HUNGRY?

>> THIS MAN HAD NO REACTION AT ALL TO BEING IN A THEATER FULL OF FRANKENSTEINS,

NOT BEFORE, DURING OR AFTER THE MOVIE.

>> I HAD TO TALK TO HIM.

EXCUSE ME,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUDGE THE FRANKENSTEINS.

>> WHO IS FRANKENSTEIN?

>> YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF FRANKENSTEIN?

>> I KNOW A TOM FRANKENBURG.

>> MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN?

>> I LOVE MARY SHELLEY. - HOW

>> I TOOK GOTHIC LITERATURE.

>> AND YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF FRANKENSTEIN?

>> DOESN'T RING A BELL.

>> EVERYONE WAS GREEN. >> LIKE SHREK.

>> FRANKENSTEIN.

TOM FRANKENBURG. >> YOU ALREADY TOLD ME ABOUT TOM FRANKENBURG.

I HAD NEVER BEEN SO CONFUSED

BUT LATER REFLECTING ON THE MEANING OF LIFE,

I REALIZED THE ONLY WAY TO TRULY RID THE WORLD OF JUDGMENT

WAS THROUGH THE POWER OF SONG.

¶ WE ARE FRANKENSTEINS

NO NEED TO JUDGE US ¶

¶ WE ARE THE ONES MADE OUT OF DEAD PEOPLE

AND ¶ ¶ CAME TO LIFE ¶

WRITTEN

SHOW

MUCH TO LORNE, TO THE AMAZING CAST AND CREW.

THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF MY BIGGEST DREAMS. I'M SO GRATEFUL.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME,

THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING AND BEING AN AMAZING AUDIENCE.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT TONIGHT.

translate