All language subtitles for e03 - Sabrina Carpenter.eng

>>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY, MATTHEW,
MAKE A WISH.

>> OKAY.

GOSH, THANKS SO MUCH, KELSEY,
THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME,

ESPECIALLY WITH EVERYTHING GOING
ON IN THE WORLD,

GOVERNMENT
SHUTDOWN, AI, JUST SO MUCH
UNCERTAINTY.

BUT THE FACT MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE
PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER FOR ME

MEANS A LOT.

>> WELL, OF COURSE.

HEY, MATT, LOOKS LIKE SOME
SPECIAL GUESTS JUST ARRIVED.

>> OH, MY GOD, KELSEY, DID YOU
FLY OUT MY BEST FRIENDS?

>> OH, NO, I FLEW OUT MY BEST
FRIENDS.

>> HEY.

FOR THOSE OF YOU HAVE HAVEN'T
MET, I'M KELSEY'S BESTIE.

WE WENT TO NURSING SCHOOL TOGETHER

BUT I DIDN'T GRADUATE.

HELP

PILLS

TRUE

DIDN'T
I GOT MY BFF DEGREE

BECAUSE I MET KELSEY'S BESTIES, AKA THE
KELSQUAD.

HEY

>> OH, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BUT YOUR
FRIENDS ARE GIVING A SPEECH.

SO GOOD.

>> LAST MONTH, KELSEY ASKED YOU
TO GO ON A TRIP WITH HER

TO FIND
THE MOST MAGICAL BIRTHDAY
PRESENT FOR MATTHEW.

>> THEY SAY DISNEY'S THE MOST
MAGICAL PLACE ON EARTH.

>> BUT WE'RE BANNED FROM THERE,
SO WE WENT TO NASHVILLE.

¶ OUR KELSEY CALLED US BECAUSE
SHE WANTED TO ¶

¶ FIND A REALLY GOOD GIFT FOR
MATTHEW ¶

¶ WE WERE AVAILABLE BECAUSE WE
LOVE HER ¶

¶ AND BECAUSE WE WANTED THE
DELTA POINTS ¶

>> WOW, YOU LADIES SURE LOVE
TRAVELING TOGETHER.

WHY ARE YOUR SCHEDULES SO OPEN?

¶ AND KELSEY SET ONE BOUNDARY

SHE SAID THIS TRIP ¶
¶ WAS MEANT TO BE

JUST ABOUT A
GIFT FOR MATT ¶

AND NOT NOT ABOUT ABOUT

SEEING THE ONE ¶
¶ GUY SHE WAS THINKING OF ¶

>> WHO WERE YOU THINKING OF?
>> YOU, DUMMY.

BUT I NEEDED TO FOCUS ON GETTING
YOU AN AWESOME GIFT.

>> BUT I OPENED MY GIFT ALREADY.
YOU GOT ME A HOODIE FROM HUDSON
NEWS.

¶ WHILE WE WENT OUT

KELS SAT ALONE IN THE HOTEL ¶

¶ AND SAID I DON'T REALLY FEEL
WELL ¶

¶ I NEED TO BE ALONE

WHEN WE GOT HOME ¶

¶ WE PULLED BACK ALL OF THE
COVERS ¶

¶ AND WE SAW THAT THERE WAS JUST

A PUNCH OF PILLOWS ¶

¶ WE CHECKED IN WITH THE FRONT
DESK THEY SAID SHE LEFT ¶

¶ IN A BIKINI ABOUT FOUR HOURS
AGO ¶

¶ SHE WAS HOLDING TWO GRAND IN CASH

AND SHE ¶
¶ ONLY CHOSE TO BRING HER BURNER
PHONE ¶

¶ ONE NIGHT WITH DOMINGO ¶

>> OKAY, SO DOMINGO WAS IN
NASHVILLE?

>> YOU COULD HAVE COME ON THE
TRIP, BABE.

>> NO I COULDN'T, I WAS IN
ALBANY ATTENDING A SELF-WORTH
SEMINAR.

>> OUR NASHVILLE TRIP WAS MAGIC.

LIKE DID SOMEONE SAY
ABRACADABRA?

>> NO, NO ONE DID.

>> BABE, I PROMISE, THIS NEXT
SONG WILL NOT BE ABOUT DOMINGO.

¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO ¶
¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO ¶

¶ THERE'S A MAN WITH A GOATEE

AND A GOLD CHAIN ¶
¶ AT THE BAR

KELSEY TELLS HIM I
GOT A BRAZILIAN ¶

¶ IN THE HOPES THAT YOU'D BE
HAR ¶

>> YOU GOT A BRAZILIAN WAX FOR
DOMINGO?

¶ WE WENT TO THE GRAND OLE OPRY

DOMINGO PLAYED GUITAR ¶

¶ KELSEY HAD TEARS IN HER EYES

SAID AS A LOVER ¶
¶ MATT'S SUBPAR ¶

¶ D-O-M-I-N-G-O DOMINGO ¶

>> YES, OKAY FINE.
I SAW HIM IN NASHVILLE.

BUT BABE, I PROMISE, DOMINGO IS
IN THE PAST.

>> KELSEY, I'M HERE.

>> DOMINGO!

>> HEY MAN, CAME ALL THIS WAY.

NO, JUST KIDDING, I LIVE VERY
CLOSE BY.

KELSEY, THE NIGHT WE SPENT
TOGETHER IN NASHVILLE

WAS
ANYTHING BUT ORDINARY.

¶ I KNOW THAT YOU TOOK A VOW

BUT I AM SO WELL-ENDOWED ¶

¶ KELSEY WE GOT A NOISE
COMPLAINT

WE SHOOK THE WHOLE
HOTEL ¶
¶ A NOISE COMPLAINT

I COME IN
AND OUT OF YOUR LIFE ¶

¶ BECAUSE I RESPECT THAT YOU ARE
A WIFE ¶

>> FIRST OF ALL, THIS IS NOT IN
ANY OF YOUR
VOCAL RANGES.

ALSO WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE
2,000 IN CASH?

>> I GOT A VERY EXPENSIVE
BRAZILIAN AS WELL.

MUSICA MAESTRO!

¶ NASHVILLE WAS SUCH A PRIDE

AND I'M THE BULL ¶
¶ SHE LIKES TO RIDE ¶

¶ KELSEY WE GOT A NOISE
COMPLAINT ¶

¶ WE SHOOK THE WHOLE HOTEL A
NOISE COMPLAINT ¶

¶ I MAY BE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE

BUT I RESPECT ¶
¶ THAT YOU ARE A WIFE ¶

>> KELSEY, I'M SERIOUS, THIS IS
STRIKE SIX.

>> HEY, BABE, IT WON'T HAPPEN
AGAIN.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

HOST

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SABRINA
CARPENTER!

THANK

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

LAST TIME I WAS HERE FOR THE 50th ANNIVERSARY

WHERE I GOT TO
SING WITH PAUL SIMON.

SINCE THEN, MY NEW ALBUM "MAN'S
BEST FRIEND" CAME OUT,

WHICH I'M
EXCITED ABOUT.

BUT SOME
PEOPLE GOT A LITTLE FREAKED OUT
BY THE COVER.

NOT SURE WHY, IT WAS JUST THIS.

ME ON ALL FOURS WITH AN UNSEEN
FIGURE
PULLING MY HAIR.

BUT WHAT PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE IS
THAT'S JUST HOW THEY CROPPED IT.

IF YOU ZOOM OUT, IT'S CLEARLY A
PICTURE FROM THE 50th
ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL

OF BOWEN
HELPING ME UP BY THE HAIR.

AFTER MARTIN SHORT SHOVED ME OUT
OF THE BUFFET LINE.

SAYING SOMETHING LIKE
DADDY NEED HIS MINI QUICHE.

NOW SINCE I'M HERE, I WANT TO
CLEAR UP SOME MISCONCEPTIONS
PEOPLE HAVE ABOUT ME.

EVERYONE THINKS OF ME AS THIS
HORN-DOG POP STAR.

BUT THERE'S SO MUCH MORE TO ME.

I'M NOT JUST HORNY, I'M ALSO
TURNED ON.

I'M SEXUALLY CHARGED.

AND I LOVE TO READ.

MY FAVORITE BOOK IS THE
ENCYCLOPEDIA.

IT'S SO BIG AND IT'S HARD --

WAIT, SERIOUSLY. SORRY,

THERE IS A REAL PERSON
UNDER ALL
THE SPARKLES, CORSETS AND WIGS,

ANOTHER THING YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW
ABOUT ME

IS I LOVE TO INTERACT
WITH THE AUDIENCE DURING MY
SHOWS.

I'D LIKE TO DO THAT NOW.

HI, SIR, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> MY NAME IS WILL.

>> WILL, WHAT A SEXY, UNUSUAL
NAME, WILL.

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
>> MARYLAND.

>> MARYLAND, OH, WHAT A SEXY,
UNUSUAL PLACE.

SEE, I LOVE TALKING TO NORMAL
PEOPLE.

THEY'RE SO FASCINATING WHEN
THEIR REAL.

LIKE YOU SIR, HI, WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR WORK.

>> VENTURE CAPITAL.
>> AWESOME.

BUT HONESTLY, I CAN HAVE
CHEMISTRY WITH LITERALLY
ANYTHING.

LIKE THIS GUY.

I CAN'T WITH YOU, YOU LOOK LIKE
MY BROTHER.

I'M GOING BACK UP HERE.

SO ANOTHER FUN THING I LIKE TO
DO AT MY CONCERTS

IS ARREST
SOMEONE FOR BEING HOT.
WHO CAN I ARREST TONIGHT.

>> NOT SO FAST, SABRINA CARPENTER,

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
>> FOR BEING HOT?

NO. MORE FOR FALSELY
IMPERSONATING AN OFFICER AT CONCERTS

AND ARRESTING HOT
PEOPLE.

>> KENAN, YOU'RE NOT A COP.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HER

FINE

>> I'M HERE FOR A CAMEO FOR MY
NIECE.

>> I WOULD LOVE TO, DO YOU HAVE
$200,000?

>> GOODBYE.

>> IF ANYONE ELSE WANTS ONE,
FIND ME ON VENMO.

WE HAV

STICK

HI
SNACK HOMIEZ

THE
PODCAST ABOUT SNACKS WITH YOUR
HOMIES.

I'M BRAYLOR HERE WITH JASON,
KYLER AND TAYSON.

BOYS

>> HEY, I'M KYLER.
>> GAME GAME.

>> WE'RE LOWKEY 12 YEARS OLD,

EXCEPT TYLER IS 13, HE'S UNC.

>> NO, I'M NOT.
I'M NOT.

>> CHILL, BRO, CHILL.

>> AND HE GOT THE LeBRON
HAIRLINE LOWKEY.

>> STOP.

>> SO IT'S SPOOKY SEASON.

YOU KNOW WE GOT TO TALK BEST
HALLOWEEN CANDY.

TAYSON, DO THE HONORS BRA.
>> I BET.

I'M GOING TO KICK THINGS OFF
WITH A CONTROVERSIAL PICK,
TWIZZLERS.

>> WHAT?
>> OH, NO.

>> NAH TWIZZLERS ARE WASH, THEY
FELL OFF.

>> IT'S LIKE CHEWING A TIRE,
BRO.

>> I DON'T KNOW, TWIZZLERS ARE
FIRE TO ME.

I'M A BIG TWIZZLERS GUY.

>> BET.
ALL RIGHT.
JASON.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY AIRHEADS.

>> AIRHEADS ARE FIRE TBH.

>> OKAY, WHAT FLAVOR, RED,
WHITE, MYSTERY?

>> DEFINITELY BLUE.

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY BLUE.
>> BLUE IS VALID, BLUE IS FIRE.

>> YOU GUYS -- YOU GUYS TRY THE
SOUR ONES?

>> FIRE.
>> FIRE.

>> GOT TO TRY THEM.

>> I'M GOING TO SAY SNICKERS,
I'M A NUT GUY.
PAUSE.

>> CHILL.
>> CRAZY.

>> NO.
>> FACTS, FACTS.

OKAY.
LET'S GO TO THE NEXT TOPIC,
GOATED VEGETABLES.

WHAT DO WE THINK, FELLOWS, DOWN
WITH GOATED VEGETABLES?

>> IT'S KIND OF A COMPLICATED
QUESTION.

SOME VEGETABLES ARE FIRE,

AND SOME VEGETABLES
LOWKEY BE A FRUIT.

LIKE AVOCADO.

>> YO, WHAT EVEN IS THAT?

>> HOW DOES IT HAVE LIKE A
WOODEN BALL IN THE CENTER?

>> YO, YO.
BUT MISS ME WITH TOMATOES
THOUGH,

THAT TEXTURE, NAH.

>> YO, TOMATO IS LIKE IF A APPLE
WAS A GIRL.

>> SO FACTS.
BUT GIRLS ARE FIRE.

>> YEAH, EXCEPT MY SISTER, SHE'S
LOWKEY CHOP, NOT GOING TO LIE.

>> NEVER HAD A VEGETABLE LOWKEY.

>> WAIT, FOR REAL, UNC?
NEVER?

>> NO, IT'S KIND OF GROSS.

>> KYLER, THEY'RE LIKE IMPORTANT
THOUGH.

>> NAH, VEGGIES ARE LOWKEY
CHOPPED.

THEY'RE COOKED.

>> ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE
COOKED.

>> WAIT, SO YOU'VE NEVER HAD
LIKE A LETTUCE?

>> NO LETTUCE IS CHOPPED.

>> LETTUCE IS FIRE WHEN IT'S
CHOPPED.

>> NO CHOPPED LIKE LETTUCE IS
COOKED.

BUT FIRE, THAT'S FIRE.
>> SO FIRE.

>> ACTUALLY FIRE.

>> COOL.
I'M GETTING A LITTLE LOST
ACTUALLY.

>> YEAH, ME TOO.
SO FIRE.

OKAY.
LET'S MOVE ON TO TODAY'S GUEST,

YOU KNOW HIM, HE'S ALL OVER TIKTOK,

PRESIDENT DONALD J.
TRUMP.

>> HELLO, SNACKHOMIEZ, IT'S
BEEN A LONG TIME COMING

WITH REGARD TO SNACKS AND
FRIENDSHIP

AND FROM THE
STANDPOINT OF PODCASTS.

>> SO SIR, DO YOU HAVE A
FAVORITE VEGETABLE?

>> YOU KNOW, BRAYLOR, I'VE NEVER
BEEN ONE FOR THE VEGGIES.

DING-DONGS, I LIKE A DING-DONG.

WE LOVE LITTLE DEBBIE, SHE DOES
TREMENDOUS WORK.

IT'S AWFUL WHAT HAPPENED TO HER.

I LIKE THE CHRISTMAS TREE CAKE.
THE CHRISTMAS TREE CAKE.

YOU KNOW, IT
USED TO BE SEASONAL.

BUT I VERY SMARTLY MADE A CALL,

NOW WE GET IT YEAR ROUND.

>> DANG!
THAT IS SO FIRE, SIR.

>> IT IS, VERY FIRE.
VERY FIRE.

>> WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON
AIRHEADS?

>> YOU KNOW, AIRHEADS, VERY
INTERESTING TASTE.

LOOK AT CHINA, LOOK AT KOREA,

YOU KNOW.
I'VE SOLVED LIKE SEVEN WARS AT
THIS POINT, RIGHT,

AND NO ONE
GIVES ME CREDIT.

IT'S LIKE 100 WARS I'VE SOLVED
RIGHT.
>> SURE.

>> SOMETHING LIKE 200 WARS.
RIGHT?

YOU KNOW ZELENSKYY,
HE ASKED FOR TOMAHAWKS THAT
COULD REACH MOSCOW,

AND I USED
TO NOT LIKE THE GUY, BUT HE'S TOUGH,

HE LOVES HIS COUNTRY.
HE LOVES HIS COUNTRY.

YOU KNOW WHO I LIKE IS GEORGE SANTOS,

HE'S WEIRD, HE'S A LIAR.
I THINK HE'S GREAT.

WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
HIM, HE'S ONE OF OUR FAVORITE
PEOPLE.

I DON'T KNOW
HIM AT ALL BUT ONE OF OUR
FAVORITE PEOPLE.

PEOPLE ARE MARCHING BECAUSE
THEY'RE HAPPY HE'S FREE.

IT'S A YES KING MARCH.
THEY SAY YES KING.

MAYBE IF I THINK ABOUT IT, BLUE
AIRHEAD.

>> I TOLD YOU, BRO, THAT'S FIRE.
THANK YOU SIR.

>> VERY FIRE, VERY FIRE.
NOW,

I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU BOYS.

DO YOU THINK I'M GETTING INTO
HEAVEN?

>> UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SIR?

>> AM I GOING TO HEAVEN CHET?

DO I FIT THE CRITERIA IN TERMS
OF CHRISTIAN,

WITH REGARD TO
ST. PETER AND
PEARLY GATES?

>> UM, I DON'T KNOW, SIR.

>> PROBABLY NOT, RIGHT?
EPSTEIN.

OH, WELL.
YOU KNOW, IT'S BEEN A GOOD RUN.
I HAD A GREAT TIME.

>> CAN I JUST SAY I THINK IT'S
KIND OF GOATED

THAT EVERYONE CAN
STUFF

>> WELL, YOU'RE WRONG, UNC, THIS
IS UNC?

IS KYLER UNC?
I SEE THE LeBRON THING NOW I'M
LOOKING.

I THINK UNC IS COOKED.

YO, TRUMP JUST VIOLATED, BRO.

CHILL.
CHILL.

>> OKAY.
FIRE EPISODE EVERYONE.

THANK YOU, SIR, PEACE.

WEEKEND

>> CHRIS AND I ARE GOING TO
HANG AT HOME,

WHICH IS EXACTLY
WHAT I NEED.

WE'VE HAD SOMETHING TO DO THE
PAST FIVE WEEKENDS IN A ROW,

SO
I'M VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO
DOING LITERALLY NOTHING.

>> WHO IS THAT BABE?
>> MY COUSIN,

SHE JUST TEXTED
ME -- ALMOST THERE.

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> OH, GOD, I THINK -- I THINK
WE HAVE --

>> WE HAVE WHAT?

>> PLANS.

>> FROM BLUMHOUSE, THE STUDIO
THAT BROUGHT YOU "INSIDIOUS"

AND
ANNABELLE: RISE OF WHOREDOLL,

COMES A TERRIFYING STORY ABOUT
WHEN THE THING YOU AGREED TO DO

FOUR MONTHS AGO IS TODAY.

>> HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?
>> LET ME THINK.

FOURTH OF JULY, MY MOM'S BARBECUE,

SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO
COME TO THE CITY IN THE FALL,

>> WE SHOULD COME VISIT YOU.

>> WE MUST HAVE SET A DATE.

>> WHICH COUSIN IS IT?
WHICH COUSIN IS IT?

>> THE ONE WHO RUNS MARATHONS.

>> I HADN'T TRAINED,

YOU REALLY WANT TO GET INTO BERLIN.

>> THE WAY I SEE IT, LOSING
TOENAILS IS A BADGE OF HONOR.

>> THIS IS OKAY, THIS IS OKAY.
>> CHRIS.

>> YOU HANG OUT, I'LL DO MY OWN
THING.
>> CHRIS!

>> SHE'S NOT MY COUSIN.
>> CHRIS!

HER HUSBAND IS COMING, TOO.

>> THE GUY WHO ALWAYS SHOWS ME
YOUTUBE VIDEOS?

>> YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS.

CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
IT.

>> 11 MINUTES?

>> I FOUND AN EMAIL SHE SENT IN
AUGUST.
>> NO.

>> THEY WANT TO DO DRINKS HERE,

THEN DINNER AT THE VIRAL RAMEN
PLACE.

>> SO CROWDED AND OVERHYPED.

>> THEN IMMERSIVE PLAY BASED ON
SNOW WHITE.

>> THE ONE YOU'RE PART OF THE
SHOW?

>> SEVEN DWARVES, SEVEN LIVES.

>> JUST TELL THEM WE HAVE COVID.

>> THEY DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT.

>> YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE.

>> HEY, WANT TO SEE 1,000
PICTURES OF MY DOG?

>> PLEASE NO, LEAVE ME ALONE.
PLEASE!

>> YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE ALONE.

>> I HAVE OPINIONS ON POLITICS,
CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO HEAR THEM
ALL.

>> IT WILL BE FUN, IT'S JUST ONE NIGHT,

THEN WE HAVE THE REST OF
THE WEEKEND TO OURSELVES.

>> WE'RE HERE!

>> WHY DO THEY HAVE SUITCASES?

>> YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE FREE.

>> DIDN'T I TELL YOU?

THEY'RE STAYING UNTIL MONDAY.

>> NO!

>> "PLANS."

TROUBLE

HI SHOPPERS, RHETT AND BEV HERE
LIVE ON SHOPTV.

BEV LOOKING ADORABLE.

>> YOU SIR ARE A FLIRT.

>> CALL ME FLIRT RUSSELL.

>> WE HAVE A LOT OF GREAT DEALS COMING UP

LATER IN THE HOUR, THE CRAFTY
CHRISTIAN RETURNS.

>> THAT'S RIGHT, TIM TUCKER

WITH HIS JESUS TRICK OR TREAT PAILS.

LOOK

>> TRICK OR TREAT, SMELL MY FEET,

WALK WITH CHRIST DOWN THE
HALLOWEEN STREET.

>> WOW, HE IS A HOOT.
>> I LOVE IT.

>> OUR PRODUCER O'DELL IS OVER
THERE SMILING, GOING TO BUY ONE.

SPEAKING OF HALLOWEEN, YOU
KNOW WHAT THE SCARIEST THING OF
ALL IS?

>> WHAT?
>> AIRLINE TRAVEL.

>> I HATE IT.
>> IT'S THE WORST.
SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> THAT'S WHERE THE NEXT SELLER
COMES IN,

VIRGINIA DUFFY COMES
JOINS US

WITH HER NEW ERGONOMIC
NECK PILLOW.

ARE YOU NOT THE SMALLEST THINGS.

>> MY NANA ALWAYS SAID SHORT
FOLKS WILL BE TALL IN HEAVEN.

>> MAKE ME A LITTLE SAD,
ACTUALLY.

>> TELL US ABOUT THE PILLOW,
VIRGINIA.

>> IT'S SIMPLY THE MOST COMFY
TRAVEL PILLOW OUT THERE

AND IT
STAYS SNUG WITH MAGNETIC SNAPS.

>> AND YOURS FOR $39.99.

PROP IT UP SO THE SHOPPERS CAN
SEE ALL THE NEAT CUSHIONS
INSIDE.

OKAY

FUN.
SNAPS TOGETHER.

THAT'S NEAT.

>> OKAY.

NOT THE BEST ANGLE ON THAT.

OKAY.

>> THIS OUTER LAYER HERE IS MADE
OF MEMORY FOAM.

>> THIS INNER LAYER IS FILLED
WITH A COOLING GEL.

>> O'DELL WIDEN OUT.
>> LAY OFF THE CLOSE-UP, O'DELL.

WIDEN OUT.
COOL, COOL, COOL

TWO DIFFERENT LABIA --

LAYERS, LAYERS, VERY NEAT.

>> AVAILABLE IN TEN DIFFERENT
COLORS.

WHY WOULD YOU BRING THE PINK
ONE.

SO $39.99 ON THAT.

>> LET ME EXPLAIN WHAT MAKES
THIS PILLOW SO GREAT.
- OKAY

IT'S HOW IT FEELS.
IT'S SO SOFT.

FEEL THIS, RHETT.

>> OH, I'M GOOD.

NO, BLUR THIS, O'DELL.
BLUR IT!

>> IT'S UNREAL.
>> YEP.

>> HOW DOES IT FEEL?
>> FEELS A LITTLE WRONG.
ACTUALLY.

>> DON'T BE GENTLE, YOU CAN MOVE
YOUR HAND AROUND AND MOVE
THINGS.

NO
DON'T SAY THAT,

OKAY, THINK
WE'RE DONE WITH THAT.

>> OKAY.
HOW ABOUT WE GO TO THE PHONES.

CALLER YOU'RE ON SHOPTV, WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF THE NECK PILLOW?

>> I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE A
LADY'S VA --

HEY!

>> AND IT GETS BETTER.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED THIS
LITTLE BALL UP HERE.

>> IT DID CATCH MY EYE A LITTLE
BIT.

>> THAT LINES UP WITH YOUR
NECK'S PRESSURE POINT.
IT ACTUALLY VIBRATES.

>> OF COURSE IT DOES.

>> IF YOU TOUCH IT HERE YOU'LL
BE IN HEAVEN.
LET ME SHOW YOU.

>> NO, NO!
>> NO, NO, NO.

>> NO THANK YOU.
>> JUST GOING TO TURN THAT OFF.

>> THANK YOU.

>> BEV, HAVE YOU EVER FELT ANYTHING
LIKE THAT?

>> NOT SINCE MY SOPHOMORE YEAR
OF COLLEGE.
>> BEV!

LET'S PUT THIS DOWN HERE, THAT'S
OKAY.
OUT OF THE WAY.

$39.99.

NOW VAGINA --

I'M SORRY, VIRGINIA, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I'M TOLD YOU HAVE A
SPECIAL OFFER FOR SHOPPERS?

>> IF YOU ORDER IN THE NEXT
FIVE MINUTES,

I'LL UPDATE YOUR
PILLOW TO THE DELUXE VERSION FOR
FREE.

>> WITH THE FAUX FUR LINING.

THAT IS -- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

YES, LET'S TAKE A CALL.

HEY, CALLER,
YOU'RE ON SHOPTV.

>> HI, IS THE DELUXE PILLOW
AVAILABLE IN REDHEAD?

>> HANG UP O'DELL.

>> THE FUR IS AVAILABLE IN DARK
BROWN OR CAMEL HAIR.

>> OKAY.

NEXT CALLER.
HI THERE.

>> YEAH, YOU MAKE ANY THAT ARE
LESS PRETTY,

MORE, I DON'T KNOW,
LIKE
BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK?

>> HANG UP, O'DELL.

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIS
QUESTION.

>> GOOD.
GOOD.

NOW THIS IS MACHINE WASHABLE,
CORRECT?

>> IT IS, IT'S EASY TO CLEAN.

NO ONE WANTS TO GET ONE OF THESE
STINKY.

YEAH

>> I DO.

>> HANG UP!
WHY IS HE STILL ON THE LINE,
O'DELL?
HANG UP ON HIM.

>> THANKS FOR JOINING US,
VIRGINIA.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, I CAN'T
LEAVE UNTIL YOU TRY IT OUT.

RHETT, GET IN HERE.

>> OKAY, I'M GOING THROUGH THIS.

HERE I GO.
ALL RIGHT.

DON'T PLAY A BABY SOUND EFFECT,
O'DELL.

DISGUSTING.

WELL.
THIS HAS BEEN FUN, VIRGINIA.

>> I DESIGNED THE PACKAGING
MYSELF, CAN I SHOW YOUR VIEWERS
THE BOX?

>> I THINK YOU ALREADY DID, HONEY.
>> I THINK YOU DID.

>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THIS QUICK BREAK.

IT ACTUALLY IS SUPER COMFY.

>>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TALKED
ME INTO THIS,

A GIRLBOSS FEMALE
CONFIDENCE SEMINAR?

>> IT'S NOT JUST ANY SEMINAR,
IT'S QUEEN LISHA,

SHE TEACHES
CONFIDENCE THROUGH MOTIVATIONAL
SPEECH AND DANCING.

HER SEMINARS ON THE GIRLBOSS
GRINDSET LITERALLY FEEL LIKE A
PARTY.

HERE SHE COMES NOW.

>> ALL RIGHT.
WHO IS EXCITED TO GET THIS
GIRLBOSS PARTY STARTED?

>> I AM, QUEEN LISHA.

>> GIRLS, BY COMING HERE, YOU'RE
ALREADY ON THE ROAD TO SUCCESS,

SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL
INSECURITY OR FOMO
NO-MO.

NOW

CONFIDENCE.
LET'S DO IT, LET'S DANCE PERIOD.

>> THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN.

BUT MAN, THEY'RE REALLY
SWINGING
HER AROUND, HUH.

>> YEAH, GO OFF, QUEEN LISHA.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> OH, NO, IS SHE OKAY?

>> YEAH.

MAN, MY HEAD.

OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
NOTHING CAN GET ME DOWN.

NOW LET'S DANCE.

>> ARE WE SURE SHE'S OKAY, IT
LOOKS LIKE SHE HIT HER HEAD

DIRECTLY INTO THAT DUMPSTER.

>> SHE'S FINE, GIRL.
NOTHING STOPS THE QUEEN.

>> NOW, LISTEN UP, GIRLS, DO YOU
WANT YOUR HATERS TO BE JEALOUS?

WELL JEALOUSY IS A DISEASE, AND
THE VACCINE, MM-HMM.

- WHAT?
- BECAUSE WHEN EVERYONE AROUND YOU,

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FEELING
SOMETHING DOING, AND THAT'S ON
PERIOD.

LET'S DANCE.

>> OH, I THINK SHE HAS A
CONCUSSION,

THAT DIDN'T MAKE ANY
SENSE.

>> THAT JUST MEANS YOU DON'T
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, GIRL.

>> GIRLS, TUNE OUT THE FOMO,

GET READY TO FLY LIKE THE
ORIGINAL ICON AMELIA EARHART.

SHE BROKE THE GLASS CEILING BY
BEING THE FIRST WOMAN TO EVER DIE

AND THAT'S MY PERIOD.

>> THAT WAS JUST NONSENSE.

>> NOW, WHO HERE HAS A PROBLEM?

>> I DO, QUEEN.

SO I'M UP FOR A PROMOTION AT
WORK,

BUT I THINK MY COWORKER SUSAN IS
TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME.
WHAT DO I DO?

>> GIRL, THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE
IN HELL FOR WOMEN WHO ARE WOMEN.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE CAR OF
SUCCESS, THE ONLY THING SUSAN BE IS ANTHONY

AND I'M ON MY PERIOD.

>> SHE NEEDS TO GO TO A
HOSPITAL.

YOU GUYS, COME ON, STOP, YOU'RE
GOING TO MAKE IT WORSE.

>> WHAT IS YOUR DEAL.
DO YOU JUST HATE OTHER WOMEN?

>> I'M WORRIED SHE HAS A BRAIN
INJURY.

>> ALL RIGHT.
NOW WHO HERE WANTS TO BE RICH?

WHO WANTS TO DRIVE A NICE CAR
AND LIVE IN A GAY COMMUNITY?

>> DOES SHE MEAN GATED
COMMUNITY?

>> WHO WANTS TO HAVE A ROCKING
BODY AND BE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS
WITH SEAN HAYES?

>> SO SHE DID MEAN A GAY
COMMUNITY.

>> IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT, YOU
HAVE TO REPLACE YOUR FOMO

WITH
FOMO-OMO-NONONO.

WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR?
I'LL TELL YOU.

IT STANDS FOR
FEAR OF MISSING OUT ON ME

OR NOT
ON OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS OF ME

WHILE I'M ON THE WAY TO
LIVING MY DREAM LIFE IN THE CAR
OF SUCCESS.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT STANDS FOR.

AND YOU JUST GOT YOUR PERIOD.

>> WAIT, SO THAT WAS PLANNED?

STOP, DANCING, YOU'RE GOING TO
HURT HER AGAIN.

>> AH, ANOTHER WINDOW
SUCCESSFULLY REPAIRED.

SUPPOSE I'LL JUST BE ON MY WAY.

THAT WAS A RELIEF, MY
WINDOW IS SAFE.

NO!

WHAT WAS THAT?

>> QUEEN LISHA, MY GIRL, WE GOT
TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL.

YOU CLEARLY HAVE A CONCUSSION.

>> DO I?

OR IS YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY
SO DEEP ROOTED

THAT A WOMAN
BEING CONFIDENT

AND INSPIRING
JUST SOUNDS LIKE NONSENSE TO
YOU?

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE YOU'RE
RIGHT.

THANKS QUEEN LISHA.

LOVING

>> YEAH.

LIL' EXTRA GEL IN MY HAIR
TONIGHT.

>> LET'S GET CRAZY.

¶ YOU KNOW IT, GIRL
IT'S FINALLY TIME

I SEEN YOU EYEIN' ME
AT SCHOOL ¶

¶ IT'S BEEN ON
BOTH OF OUR MINDS ¶

¶ AND I'M FEELIN' GROWN

TWELVE SPRAYS OF
MY DAD'S COLOGNE ¶
>> NICE!

¶ WE COULD GET GET PG-13

IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN ¶

¶ IT'S ALMOST SIX PM

TIME TO HIT THE TOWN ¶

¶ JUST GOT MY
BRACES TIGHTENED

BOY IT'S GONNA GO DOWN ¶

¶ I CAN'T DENY IT, NO

MIGHT HAVE TO TRY IT, YEAH ¶

¶ YEAH THAT ONE
SPECIAL THING

I KNOW JUST WHATCHA MEAN ¶

¶ AND WE'RE IN MY MOM'S CAR

ROLLIN' UP TO THE SCHOOL ¶

¶ CHERRY CHAPSTICK ON

YEAH WE'RE BREAKIN'
THE RULES ¶

¶ AND I KNOW THAT IT'S WRONG

BUT IT'S FEELING SO RIGHT

WE'RE 13 BUT
TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT ¶

¶ WE'RE GONNA GRIND
BACK AND FORTH

GONNA FREAK WITH
THE FRICTION ¶

¶ IT'S GRIND TIME

WE GOT NO RHYTHM AND
GOT NO INHIBITIONS ¶

¶ OVER THE PANTSIN' ROMANCIN'

HOT AND HEAVY WE'RE DANCIN'

IT'S GRIND TIME

AND THE GYMNASIUM'S JUMPIN' ¶

¶ OUR BODIES ARE CHANGING

AND SO IS THE BEAT

BUT I TRY NOT TO SCREAM

WHILE SHE STEPS ON MY FEET ¶

¶ I'MA DO WHAT I PLEASES

NO ROOM FOR JESUS ¶

¶ WE GETTING'
FREAKAY TONIGHT

DESPITE THE DIFFERENCE
IN HEIGHT ¶

>> OW, WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S STABBING ME IN THE BACK.

>> I DON'T KNOW AND I'M SCARED.

¶ WE'RE GONNA GRIND
FRONT TO FRONT

BUTT TO FRONT TO KNEE

IT'S GRIND TIME ¶

¶ GETTING' LOOSE
OFF THE SUN CAPRI

I GOT MY BUTT
ON HIS CROTCH'N ¶

¶ ALL THE CHAPERONES
WATCHIN' ¶

>> HI, MOM.
>> CAROLINE, ENOUGH!

PRINCIPAL ATKINS, DO SOMETHING!

PRINCIPAL ATKINS?

¶ I COULD BE WRITING
MY NOVEL

UPSTATE IN A COTTAGE ¶

¶ INSTEAD I'M STUCK
HERE SUPERVISING

PRE-TEEN FROTTAGE ¶

¶ SO I LEAVE MY BODY

LET THEM HAVE THEIR FUN

CUZ NO ONE GRINDED ON ME

WHEN I WAS YOUNG ¶

¶ WE'RE GONNA GRIND

IT'S OUR ADDICTION
SO INSANE AND DIRTY

IT'S GRIND TIME ¶

¶ BUT HURRY UP
THE DANCE IS DONE
AT EIGHT THIRTY ¶

¶ CUZ THIS IS
MIDDLE SCHOOL LOVIN'

AWKWARD PUSHIN' AND SHOVIN'

WE'RE GONNA GRIND ¶

REGARDLESS OF THE SONG ¶

>> HEY, CAN YOU TOUCH MY BUTT?

>> I THOUGHT THE GUY WAS
SUPPOSED TO DO THAT TO THE GIRL.

>> NO, NO.
I HEAR IT'S WHATEVER THE PERSON
WANTS.
>> OKAY.

MMM, YOU LIKE THAT?
>> YEAH.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'M CALLIN IT.

¶ WE'RE GONNA GRIND ¶

>> I THINK I LOVE YOU.
>> OH, NO THANK YOU.

LADIES

Manchild

¶ YOU SAID YOUR
PHONE WAS BROKEN

JUST FORGOT TO CHARGE IT ¶

¶ WHOLE OUTFIT
YOU'RE WEARING

GOD I HOPE IT'S IRONIC ¶

¶ DID YOU JUST SAY
YOU'RE FINISHED

DIDN'T KNOW WE STARTED ¶

¶ IT'S ALL JUST
SO FAMILIAR BABY

WHAT DO YOU CALL IT ¶

¶ STUPID

OR IS IT SLOW

MAYBE IT'S USELESS ¶

¶ BUT THERE'S A
CUTER WORD FOR IT

I KNOW ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS
COME A-RUNNING TO ME ¶

¶ EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN
INNOCENT WOMAN BE ¶

¶ NEVER HEARD OF SELF-CARE

HALF YOUR BRAIN
JUST AIN'T THERE ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS
COME A-RUNNING ¶

¶ TAKING ALL MY LOVING
FROM ME ¶

¶ WHY SO SEXY IF SO DUMB

AND HOW SURVIVE THE
EARTH SO LONG ¶

¶ IF I'M NOT THERE
IT WON'T GET DONE

I CHOOSE TO BLAME YOUR MOM ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS
COME A-RUNNING TO ME ¶

¶ EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN
INNOCENT WOMAN BE ¶

¶ NEVER HEARD OF SELF-CARE

HALF YOUR BRAIN
JUST AIN'T THERE ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS
COME A-RUNNING ¶

¶ TAKING ALL MY LOVING
FROM ME ¶

¶ OH I LIKE MY BOYS
PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN
ALL INCOMPETENT ¶

¶ AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME
I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, SING IT, HEY MEN ¶

¶ OH I LIKE MY BOYS
PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN
ALL INCOMPETENT ¶

¶ AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME
I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, HEY MEN ¶

¶ MANCHILD

WHY YOU ALWAYS
COME A-RUNNING TO ME ¶

¶ EFF MY LIFE

WON'T YOU LET AN
INNOCENT WOMAN BE ¶

¶ OH I LIKE MY BOYS
PLAYING HARD TO GET

AND I LIKE MY MEN
ALL INCOMPETENT ¶

¶ AND I SWEAR THEY CHOOSE ME
I'M NOT CHOOSING THEM

AMEN, HEY MEN ¶

WEEKEND

>> THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING EVERYONE.

>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.

WELL, YESTERDAY PRESIDENT TRUMP
FINALLY RELEASED

WHAT EVERYONE
HAS BEEN ASKING HIM TO RELEASE --

GEORGE SANTOS,

THE FORMER REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMAN

WHO HAD PLED GUILTY TO FRAUD

AND SOMETHING CALLED
AGGRAVATED IDENTITY THEFT.

WHICH I THINK IS WHEN YOU PUSH
SOMEONE IN A CLOSET AND CHANGE
CLOTHES WITH THEM.

IS NOW
FREE AND WILL FACE ZERO
CONSEQUENCES.

HE'S SAID HE'S A CHANGED MAN

AND ALSO RELEASED A PHOTO OF
HIS NEW PRISON BODY.

>> VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY HAS SAID
IF PRESIDENT TRUMP SUPPLIES
UKRAINE WITH TOMAHAWK MISSILES,

HE WILL NOMINATE TRUMP FOR THE
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.

YOU KNOW, THE PRIZE THEY GIVE
YOU FOR SELLING MISSILES.

THERE WAS OUTRAGE THIS WEEK
OVER A LEAKED GROUP CHAT BETWEEN
REPUBLICAN LEADERS

WHICH PRAISED
HITLER AND REFERRED TO BLACK
AMERICANS AS WATERMELON PEOPLE.

THE CHAT WAS NAMED JOST FAMILY.

>> WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?

>> WHILE TRAVELING ON AIR FORCE
ONE TO THE MIDDLE EAST TO
CELEBRATE THE CEASEFIRE,

PRESIDENT TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS,
I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING
THAT'S GOING TO GET ME INTO
HEAVEN.

THEN HE PAUSED FOR TEN FULL MINUTES

WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO
SAY THAT'S NOT TRUE.

BECAUSE TRUMP CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN,

HE'S FAR TOO BUSY DOWN
HERE, RUNNING HELL.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED
THAT ANOTHER ALLEGED DRUG
SMUGGLING BOAT FROM VENEZUELA

HAS BEEN BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER
WITHOUT WARNING.

YOU MAY NOT THINK THAT'S A BIG
DEAL RIGHT NOW,

BUT ONE DAY SOON
YOU'LL LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE
MIRROR AND REALIZE --

YOU'RE OUT
OF COCAINE.

PRESIDENT TRUMP CRITICIZED
TIME MAGAZINE

FOR USING A BAD
PICTURE OF HIM ON THE COVER,

SAYING QUOTE, THEY DISAPPEARED
MY HAIR.

AND I GOT TO AGREE.
THAT THING DO LOOK WAXED.

>> JOHN BOLTON, WHO WANTS PEOPLE

STOP COMING UP TO HIM TO ORDER CHICKEN,

HAS BECOME THE THIRD
PERSON ON PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
ENEMIES LIST TO BE INDICTED.

AND YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T LIVING
YOUR LIFE RIGHT

WHEN YOU KEEP AN
ACTUAL LIST OF YOUR ENEMIES.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY
THERAPIST TOLD ME.

SO NOW SHE'S ON THE LIST, TOO.

HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN PORTLAND

SENT A MESSAGE TO I.C.E. TO LEAVE THEIR CITY

BY RIDING THEIR
BIKES NAKED THROUGH THE RAIN.

AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE
IT, IT DIDN'T WORK.

>> A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT OF
THE NEARLY 100 TRUMP NOMINEES
CONFIRMED BY THE SENATE,

ONLY
TWO OF THEM WERE BLACK.

TWO BLACK PEOPLE OUT OF 100.

I MEAN WHAT THIS IS, MY TINDER
MATCHES?

NOPE.

>> I LIKED IT.

ARGENTINE PRESIDENT JAVIER MILEI,

SEEN ASKING IF HE MAKES
YOU HORNY BABY,

MET WITH
PRESIDENT TRUMP AT THE WHITE
HOUSE THIS WEEK,

WHERE TRUMP
ANNOUNCED THAT HE'S SENDING $40
BILLION TO ARGENTINA,

BECAUSE IF
HISTORY IS ANY GUIDE,

A LOT OF
TRUMP OFFICIALS WILL END UP
FLEEING TO ARGENTINA.

HEY, ONE CLAP.

JUST KIDDING.

IN THE CLINCHING GAME OF THE
NLCS, DODGERS STAR SHOHEI OHTANI

PITCHED SIX SCORELESS INNINGS,
STRUCK OUT TEN BATTERS

AND HIT THREE HOME RUNS,

A FEAT
PREVIOUSLY ONLY ACCOMPLISHED

BY
GEORGE SANTOS.

>> DURING THE FIRST NEW YORK
MAYORAL DEBATE, ANDREW CUOMO
ATTACKED ZOHRAN MAMDANI.

SAYING THAT HE ONCE GAVE THE
FINGER TO THE COLUMBUS DAY STATUE,

WHEREAS CUOMO SNUCK UP
BEHIND THE STATUE AND GRABBED
IT BY THE HIPS.

>> HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE
CORNER.

IT'S SCARY MOVIE SEASON.

THE RESIDENT CINEPHILE, THE
MOVIE GUY.

>> HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING
TONIGHT?
I'M THE MOVIE GUY.

I'M HERE TALKING ABOUT SCARY
MOVIES.

>> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
SCARY MOVIES.

MOVIE GUY, LET'S START WITH
BLACK PHONE 2, JUST CAME OUT
THIS WEEKEND.

>> OH, YEAH, "BLACK PHONE 2,"

RING RING, HELLO,

OH, NO, SORRY, YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER

BECAUSE I HAVE NOT SEEN THAT ONE
YET.

>> OKAY, WELL I GUESS IT
JUST CAME OUT.

WHAT ABOUT THE BIGGEST HORROR
MOVIE OF THE YEAR,
WEAPONS.

>> YEAH, "WEAPONS," THAT WAS A
VERY BIG MOVIE.

EVERYBODY SAW "WEAPONS," AND I
HAVE TO TELL YOU,

I WAS
NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

>> DO YOU EVEN LIKE SCARY
MOVIES?

>> I LOVE SCARY MOVIES

BECAUSE IN THE TITLE THEY TELL YOU WHAT
GOING TO HAPPEN.

LIKE "SCREAM."
EVERYBODY SCREAM.

SMILE, EVERYBODY SMILE.

AND "SAW."
EVERYBODY SAW

EXCEPT ME, I DID
NOT SEE "SAW."

>> HOW ABOUT CLASSIC HORROR
MOVIES LIKE "THE EXORCIST"?

>> THAT'S ABOUT A SCARY CHILD.

YOU KNOW WHO IS THE SCARIEST
CHILD?

STEWIE.

>> WHO?
>> STEWIE.

>> TOOEY?
>> STEWIE GRIFFITH.
COME ON.

HIS FATHER IS FAT, HIS MOTHER IS SKINNY,

AND SHE ALWAYS GETTING
MAD AT HIM.

I CAN SEE WHY,

HIS HEAD LOOKS
LIKE A VAGINA DESTROYER.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> I'M TALKING ABOUT SCARY
MOVIES MAN.
>> NOT REALLY.

>> WHAT MOVIE IS REALLY SCARY,

THE ONE WITH
MICHAEL MYERS.

>> "HALLOWEEN."

>> NO, "SHREK."

THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT EVERY MAN'S
BIGGEST FEAR.

YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

AND THEN YOU WAKE UP AND
GO HOW DRUNK WAS I LAST NIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
COLIN.
YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW.

>> LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS, OKAY?

CAN WE FOCUS ON SCARY MOVIES.

"I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST"
SUMMER."
>> WHAT DID I DO?

>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> SO WHOA WOULD YOU SAY
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

>> WHAT ABOUT THE MOVIE "IT"?
>> I DID NOT SEE THAT.

>> "ALIEN"?
>> NO COLIN, I'M AN AMERICAN
CITIZEN.

>> ALL RIGHT.
MOVIE GUY, I FEEL LIKE I
SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS TWO
MINUTES AGO,

BUT IT'S
TIME TO WRAP THIS UP.

>> OKAY.
BUT BEFORE I GO, CAN I DO A
JOKE?

>> SURE, YOU CAN TELL A JOKE.
GREAT.

>> OKAY, THIS IS A JOKE ABOUT A
SCARY MOVIE FROM 2008.
OKAY?

THE MOVIE IS CALLED "ONE MISSED
CALL."

IN THIS MOVIE, THE PHONE RINGS,

AND IF YOU DON'T PICK IT UP, YOU
DIE.

AND I'M LIKE, IS THIS MOVIE
ABOUT MY MOTHER?

AM I RIGHT, GUYS?

>> MOVIE GUY, EVERYONE.
>> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

>> SKIMS HAS INTRODUCED A NEW
LINE
OF THONG UNDERWEAR CALLED ULTIMATE BUSH

AND FEATURES
SYNTHETIC PUBIC HAIR.

AND I KNOW A GUY WHO COULD WEAR
IT AS A SCARF.

>> RETAILER ARE SAYING THE TOP
KIDS' COSTUMES FOR HALLOWEEN THIS YEAR

ARE THE KPOP DEMON
HUNTERS.

OR AT SPIRIT HALLOWEEN, ASIAN
SINGING MURDERERS.

VISITORS TO THE SAN DIEGO ZOO'S
GORILLA EXHIBIT WERE STARTLED

WHEN ONE OF THE APES SHATTERED
THE GLASS --

CEILING.

INSPIRING.
>> SO PROUD OF THE APE.

>> BRITAIN'S PRINCE ANDREW ANNOUNCED

AFTER A DISCUSSION
WITH KING CHARLES ABOUT HIS
FRIENDSHIP WITH JEFFREY EPSTEIN,

HE WILL STOP USING HIS ROYAL
TITLE DUKE OF YORK

AND INSTEAD
WILL GO BY THE KING OF
QUINCEANERAS.

I'M PROUD OF THAT JOKE.

DO IT.

>> OFFICIALS ARE SAYING THIS
YEAR'S FALL FOLIAGE SEASON

WILL
END SOONER AND HAVE MORE MUTED
COLORS.

COOL, I GUESS I'LL JUST KILL
MYSELF THEN!

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU MAN?

DOCTORS IN CHINA TRANSPLANTED
A GENETICALLY MODIFIED PIG LIVER

INTO A MAN WHO LIVED FOR 171
DAYS AFTER THE PROCEDURE.

THE LIVER WILL NOW BE SENT TO A
SPECIAL FACILITY

FOR
EXPERIMENTAL ANIMAL ORGANS.

YOU OKAY, BUD?
>> DOING GREAT.

CENSUS DATA SHOWS THAT
NEW YORK

IS RANKED AS ONE OF THE
STATES WITH THE MOST RESIDENTS
MOVING OUT.

HERE TO TALK ABOUT THAT, SOMEONE
WHO JUST MOVED IN,

NEW CAST
MEMBER TOMMY BRENNAN.

>> HI COLIN.
>> TOMMY, WELCOME.

SO YOU JUST MOVED TO NEW YORK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK SO FAR?

>> IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT FROM
HOME.

I'M FROM THE MIDWEST, I DON'T
KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL FROM MY KIND EYES

AND SECRET DRINKING
PROBLEM.

I'M FROM LIKE A BIG
MINNESOTAN FAMILY, ONE OF EIGHT
KIDS.

>> EIGHT KIDS, WOW, YOU DO NOT
SEE THAT A LOT.

>> PROBABLY BECAUSE IT'S THE
WRONG CHOICE.

EIGHT IS TOO MANY KIDS.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THAT?
WE HAD A CAFETERIA STYLE MILK
MACHINE AT HOME.

WE HAD A MILK MAN.
TIM THE MILK MAN WAS A BIG PART
OF MY LIFE.

HE'D SHOW UP,
REPLACE THE MILK, PLAY CATCH,
CALL ME SON.

I'D BE LIKE WHY DO I LOOK SO
MUCH LIKE YOU?

>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU GREW UP IN
THE 1930s.

>> WELL, I DIDN'T, BUT I LOOK
LIKE I DID.

I LOOK LIKE A LOCKET PHOTO
DURING WORLD WAR I.

I LOOK LIKE A GUY WHO WAS REALLY
GOOD AT FOOTBALL PREINTEGRATION.

I WILL SAY I THINK THE WAY I
GREW UP

HAS REALLY HELPED ME
ADJUST TO NEW YORK.

EVERYONE SAYS PUBLIC TRANSIT IS
WILD.

FOR MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD THE TEN
OF US RODE

IN A SEVEN-SEATER
CHEVY ASTRO VAN.

SO ANYWHERE WE DROVE IT LOOKED
LIKE WE WERE BEING TRAFFICKED.

LOVE SUBWAY.
I CAN HANG.

WATCHING PEOPLE JUMP OVER THE
TURNSTILES,

AND TODAY I WORKED
UP THE COURAGE AND JUMPED OVER
MY FIRST ONE.

>> CONGRATS,

BUDDY, JUMPED YOUR FIRST
TURNSTILE.

>> IT WAS COOL, IT WAS
EXHILARATING AND THRILLING.

IT WAS ON THE WAY OUT BUT I

-- IT FELT GOOD, IT COUNTS.

>> IT STILL COUNTS.
YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.

>> SURE.
YEAH.

I'M A GOOD BOY.

I'M JUST REALLY SCARED OF BEING
IN TROUBLE ALL THE TIME

BECAUSE
I GREW UP CATHOLIC.

I GREW UP FEELING GUILTY BUT
NEVER KNEW WHAT FOR.

IF YOU GREW UP CATHOLIC, ONLY
SINS YOU KNOW

ARE LIKE BREAKING
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS --

DON'T STEAL,
DON'T KILL, RIGHT TO CARRY WEAPONS
OR WHATEVER.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY IN
CONFESSION.

COULDN'T CONFESS TO THE ONE SIN

ME AND EVERY OTHER 12-YEAR-OLD
BOY WERE COMMITTING CONSTANTLY,

WHAT I REFERRED TO THEM AS TOMMY
TIME.

YOU KNOW, SHUCKING MY CORN.
>> YEP.

>> AT CONFESSION COULDN'T BE
LIKE
I'VE BEEN GOING TO TOWN ON
MYSELF LATELY.

IT'S ALL I DO.
CONSUMING MY LIFE, FATHER.

IF I WASN'T IN HERE, THAT'S WHAT
I WOULD BE DOING.

CAN'T SAY THAT BECAUSE HE WOULD
BE LIKE YOU CAN DO IT IN HERE,
I'M DOING IT.

>> TOMMY BRENNAN, EVERYONE.
>> I'M SORRY.

>> WEEKEND

NEXT TIME

WASHER AND DRYER?

>> YES.
>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> FEAR NOT, WE HAVE PLENTY OF
GREAT OPTIONS FOR YOU.

WE HAVE THIS GREAT ECOFRIENDLY
MODEL HERE.

LIKE
AND WHEN IT'S DONE, IT DOES THIS
FUN LITTLE JINGLE.

>> IT IS A FUN JINGLE, WOULDN'T
MIND GETTING THAT STUCK IN MY
HEAD.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD GET
STUCK IN OUR HEAD, OUR
ANNIVERSARY, IT'S TODAY.

>> ONCE YOU CHEATED, I CHOSE TO
FORGET.

>> WELL, WE ALSO HAVE THIS LG
MODEL.
IT'S 50% OFF

AND WHEN IT'S DONE,
YOU'LL HEAR THIS.

>> OH, HALF OFF, THAT'S GREAT.

>> YEAH, BUT DOESN'T HAVE THAT
JINGLE.
I REALLY LIKED THAT.

>> WELL, IF IT'S A JINGLE YOU
CRAVE, I DO HAVE THIS SPECIAL
WASHER AND DRYER DUO,

I DON'T
SHOW THESE TO JUST ANYONE.

¶ YOUR CLOTHES ARE DONE YOUR
CLOTHES ARE DONE ¶

¶ I WET THEM AND I WASHED THEM
AND YOUR CLOTHES ¶ ¶ ARE DONE

I'M THE WASHER

I'M THE DRYER ¶

¶ WE WASHED ALL YOUR CLOTHES GOT
THE STAINS RIGHT OUT ¶

¶ AND THEY'RE ALMOST TOTALLY
DRY ¶

>> OKAY.
WHOA.
I REALLY LIKED THAT.

KIND OF A
SWINGING '20s VIBE.
VERY FUN.

>> I DON'T KNOW, AT THE END THEY
SAID CLOTHES WILL BE ALMOST
TOTALLY DRY.

SEEMS BAD.

>> MM-HMM, TELL ME MA'AM, DO YOU
EVER WASH DELICATES?
>> YES, ACTUALLY.

WHEN HE GOES OUT OF TOWN, I
TEND TO WASH A LOT OF DELICATES.

¶ OH, CHILD

COME REST YOUR WEARY HEAD ¶

¶ OH, CHILD

I'LL BE DELICATE ¶

>> WE ATE TWO OF YOUR SHIRTS!
>> YUM!

>> WOW, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

LOOK, SIR, I'LL BE FRANK, I
TEND TO EAT A LOT OF SPAGHETTI
ON MY BICYCLE,

HOW IS THE POWER
WASH SETTING?

>> YOU TELL ME.

¶ GIMME THAT POWER WASH ¶

>> OH, PERFECT, THAT'S HOW LONG
THEY ALL SHOULD BE.

¶ GIMME THAT POWER WASH, GIMME
THAT POWER ¶

¶ GIMME THOSE DIRTY CLOTHES I'LL
MAKE IT LOUDER ¶

¶ GIMME THAT POWER WASH GO FOR
AN HOUR ¶

¶ THEY WON'T GET DIRTIER UNLESS
THEY DO ¶

>> SOLD!
>> WHAT?

THEY JUST SAID THE CLOTHES MIGHT
GET DIRTIER.

>> BABE, LET'S DO A PROS
AND CONS LIST.

PROS, THE SONGS ARE DYNAMITE,
I'M ATTRACTED TO THE MACHINES.

>> YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT THE
PERMANENT PRESS SETTING.

>> WELL, WELL, WELL, YOU WANT TO
KNOW ABOUT PERM NEPT

PLACE.
EVEN

>> LET'S TAKE YOU FOR A SPIN.

¶ PERMANENT PRESS ¶

¶ PERMANENT -- PRESS PERMANENT
PRESS ¶
¶ PERMANENT PRESS OH --

PERMANENT -- PRESS ¶
¶ PERMANENT PRESS PERMANENT
PRESS ¶

¶ WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS

>> WE WILL TAKE THEM BOTH.
>> SOLD!

BIRTHDAY
THE OFFICE?

MAKES A REGULAR DAY FEEL
SPECIAL.

>> EVERY DAY IS SPECIAL WHEN I'M
WORKING WITH MY CRUSH.

>> LIZ, YOU KNOW I'M MARRIED TO
A MODEL.

>> OKAY, ESH, SHE'S COMING.
LET'S HIDE.

>> GET THE LIGHTS.
>> THE LIGHTS.

>> SURPRISE!
>> DON'T HURT ME!

OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.

HAPPY?

>> I'M SORRY, LAURA, WE JUST
WANTED TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY.

>> WELL YOU DID,

I'M FEELING PRETTY SPECIAL RIGHT NOW.
WHAT?

>> SORRY, WE THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE
IT.

>> YOU THOUGHT I'D LIKE WHAT,

WALKING INTO A DARK ROOM
THINKING I'M BEING ATTACKED?
I ALMOST PASSED OUT.

>> I THINK YOU JUST GOT SCARED
AND FARTED A LITTLE.

>> OKAY, CAN WE JUST WORK?

>> LET'S START THE MEETING.
I THINK THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

>> I MEAN IS THIS WHAT YOU GUYS
WANTED, HUH,

TO SEE ME LOSE FULL
CONTROL OF MY BODY?

>> LAURA, WE'RE SORRY.

>> HE I MEAN
WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET AN IDEA
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

>> IT'S ACTUALLY A COMMON THING.
MOST PEOPLE LAUGH.

I MEAN I LAUGHED, TOO, I GUESS,
JUST NOT OUT OF MY MOUTH.

WHO DO I SEND THE THANK YOU NOTE
TO, EVERYONE OR?

>> WE'RE SORRY, MOST PEOPLE LIKE
IT.
LET'S JUST PUT IT BEHIND US.

>> NO,
SINCE EVERYONE LIKES IT SO MUCH,
LET'S SEE

JEN, COME IN HERE PLEASE.

SURPRISE!

SEE?

>> I THINK THAT WAS YOU AGAIN.

>> OKAY.
JEN, GO.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CAN I JUST KNOW WHOSE

CAN I JUST KNOW WHOSE IDEA THIS WAS SO I
CAN SLEEP TONIGHT?

>> IT WAS MINE.

>> I KNEW IT, YOU'VE BEEN OUT
FOR ME SINCE THE BEGINNING.

>> I STARTED A WEEK AGO.

>> YOU WANT MY JOB AND YOU'VE
MADE THAT VERY CLEAR.

>> I THINK I'M ABOVE YOU.

>> YOU ARE?
>> I THINK SO.

>> IS THAT REAL, IS THAT TRUE?
>> I THINK WE ALL ARE.

>> SINCE WHEN?
>> OVER TIME WE ALL JUST GOT
PROMOTED.

>> BUT I THOUGHT I WAS RIGHT
UNDER THE CEO.
>> WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

>> I'M THE CSO, IT SAYS IT ON
MY MUG YOU GUYS GAVE ME.

>> THAT STANDS FOR CHIEF SNACK
OFFICER.

IT WAS A JOKE BECAUSE YOU'RE
ADDICTED TO VEGGIE STRAWS.

>> OH, HOW MUCH DO YOU GUYS
MAKE?
>> WE'RE NOT DOING THAT.

>> HOW MUCH YOU MAKE?
>> I'M NOT SAYING.

>> HEY, HOW MUCH YOU MAKE?
>> YOU NEED TO STOP.

>> OKAY FINE, RAISE
YOUR HAND IF YOU MAKE MORE THAN
$9.50 AN HOUR.

>> YOU'RE NOT EVEN SALARIED?

>> WHAT EVEN IS THAT.
CAN I STILL FIRE PEOPLE?

>> YOU WERE NEVER ALLOWED TO
FIRE PEOPLE.

>> COOL.
GREAT BIRTHDAY, EVERYBODY.

FARTED AND GOT DEMOTED.

>> YOU WEREN'T DEMOTED, YOU JUST
LEARNED WHAT YOUR JOB IS.

>> THEN I GUESS I JUST FARTED.

I GOT TO GO.

>> HEY, LAURA, IT'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY.
YOU DESERVE A REAL GIFT.

IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO
MAKE YOU HAPPY, MAKE UP FOR ALL
THIS?

ANYTHING?
>> YEAH, WHATEVER.
>> TELL US.

>> TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU MAKE.

>> FINE, 180K.

>> PLUS BENEFITS.

>> AND STOCK OPTIONS.

>> OKAY, GUYS, WE HAVE GOT TO
GET OUT OF THIS ROOM.

>> WHO IS READY FOR CAKE?

>> NO!

>> WHAT?

>> I THINK WE THOUGHT THE
OFFICE
WAS GOING TO BLOW UP BECAUSE OF
ALL THE --

>> PARTY CITY.
JUST GET BALLOONS.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, SABRINA
CARPENTER.

Nobody's Son

¶ HI I HOPE YOU'RE GREAT

I THINK IT'S TIME

WE TOOK A BREAK ¶

¶ SO I CAN GROW EMOTIONALLY

THAT'S WHAT HE SAID TO ME ¶

¶ HERE WE GO AGAIN
CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING ¶

¶ ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL
FOR A THIRD WHEELING ¶

¶ PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE GUESSED
HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING ¶

¶ THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME
TO BELIEVE IN ¶

¶ ME, NO YEAH I'M GOOD

JUST THOUGHT THAT HE

EVENTUALLY WOULD

CAVE IN, REACH OUT ¶

¶ BUT NO SIREE

HE DISCOVERED SELF-CONTROL

THIS WEEK, OH AH ¶

¶ HERE WE GO AGAIN
CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING ¶

¶ ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL
FOR A THIRD WHEELING ¶

¶ PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE GUESSED
HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING ¶

¶ THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME
TO BELIEVE IN

BELIEVE IN

¶ THAT BOY IS CORRUPT AH

COULD YOU RAISE HIM
TO LOVE ME MAYBE ¶

¶ HE SURE EFFED ME UP AH-AH

AND YES I'M TALKING 'BOUT
YOUR BABY ¶

¶ THAT BOY IS CORRUPT AH

GET PTSD ON THE DAILY ¶

¶ HE SURE EFFED ME UP AH-AH

AND YES I'M TALKING 'BOUT
YOUR BABY ¶

¶ HERE WE GO AGAIN
CRYING IN BED

WHAT A FAMILIAR FEELING ¶

¶ ALL MY FRIENDS IN LOVE

AND I'M THE ONE THEY CALL

¶ PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE GUESSED
HE'S LIKE THE REST

SO FINE AND SO DECEIVING ¶

¶ THERE'S NOBODY'S SON

NOT ANYONE LEFT FOR ME
TO BELIEVE IN ¶

SOCIAL

KNOW
BUT GROWING UP I WAS ALWAYS TOLD

TO NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS
COVER.

BUT WHEN I WATCHED THE NEWS,

I FEEL LIKE NOBODY ELSE REMEMBERS
THAT LESSON.

>> NO TEETH.
>> YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT TEETH.

>> SO I WANTED TO PUT THAT TO
THE TEST TONIGHT WITH A LITTLE
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT.

I FILLED A THEATER WITH
PROFESSIONAL ACTORS

DRESSED TO
LOOK STEREOTYPICALLY DANGEROUS
OR SCARY.

NOT THE TYPE ONE MIGHT EXPECT TO
ENCOUNTER IN AN UPSCALE
NEIGHBORHOOD.

I WANTED TO SEE IF PEOPLE WOULD
JUDGE THEM BASED ON THEIR
APPEARANCE.

AND WHAT I FOUND FRANKLY
DISAPPOINTED ME.

OKAY.
FIRST GUY IS GOING IN.

NOT

THEIR APPEARANCES.

EVEN THIS LADY, WHO I THOUGHT
WOULD BE WOKE BECAUSE OF THE
HAIRCUT.

MISS, MISS, WHY DID YOU LEAVE
THAT MOVIE THEATER?

>> BECAUSE EVERYONE WAS DRESSED
AS FRANKENSTEIN,

AND THE MOVIE I
WANTED TO SEE DOES NOT HAVE
FRANKENSTEIN IN IT.

>> WOW, SO YOU ASSUMED THEY WERE
THERE TO SEE A MOVIE ABOUT FRANKENSTEIN

JUST BECAUSE OF THE
COLOR OF THEIR SKIN?

>> THE COLOR OF THEIR SKIN WAS
GREEN.

>> SHE JUST SAID THE QUIET PART
OUT LOUD.

RACIST

IF YOU WALKED INTO THE THEATER
TO SEE THE FANTASTIC 4

AND THE
WHOLE AUDIENCE WAS ASIAN, WHAT
WOULD YOU ASSUME THEN?

>> WHAT WOULD YOU ASSUME?

>> SLIGHTLY PROBLEMATIC.

>> EVERYONE WAS FAILING MY TEST

AND BEFORE LONG MY FRANKENSTEINS
WERE STARTING TO LOSE FAITH.

EVEN MY OWN GIRLFRIEND FAILED

WHEN I PERFORMED THE SAME
EXPERIMENT IN HER APARTMENT.

>> WE BROKE UP THREE MONTHS AGO.

RACIST

>> AND AS MY EXPERIMENT EVOLVED,

I FOUND THAT PEOPLE JUDGED
ANYONE WHO LOOKED DIFFERENTLY.

EVEN A FRIENDLY FACE.

I HAD REACHED A LOW POINT.

ALSO THAT FRANKENSTEIN I THOUGHT
FELL ASLEEP ACTUALLY HAD DIED.

BUT THEN, FINALLY, ONE MAN

WALKED INTO
THAT THEATER WITHOUT JUDGMENT.

>> HEY, WHAT'S UP.

HUNGRY?

>> THIS MAN HAD NO REACTION AT
ALL TO BEING IN A THEATER FULL
OF FRANKENSTEINS,

NOT BEFORE,
DURING OR AFTER THE MOVIE.

>> I HAD TO TALK TO HIM.

EXCUSE ME,

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUDGE
THE FRANKENSTEINS.

>> WHO IS FRANKENSTEIN?

>> YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF
FRANKENSTEIN?

>> I KNOW A TOM FRANKENBURG.

>> MARY SHELLEY'S FRANKENSTEIN?

>> I LOVE MARY SHELLEY.
- HOW

>> I TOOK GOTHIC LITERATURE.

>> AND YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF
FRANKENSTEIN?

>> DOESN'T RING A BELL.

>> EVERYONE WAS GREEN.
>> LIKE SHREK.

>> FRANKENSTEIN.

TOM FRANKENBURG.
>> YOU ALREADY TOLD ME ABOUT TOM
FRANKENBURG.

I HAD NEVER BEEN SO CONFUSED

BUT LATER REFLECTING ON THE MEANING
OF LIFE,

I REALIZED THE ONLY WAY TO TRULY
RID THE WORLD OF JUDGMENT

WAS
THROUGH THE POWER OF SONG.

¶ WE ARE FRANKENSTEINS

NO NEED TO JUDGE US ¶

¶ WE ARE THE ONES MADE OUT OF
DEAD PEOPLE

AND ¶
¶ CAME TO LIFE ¶

WRITTEN

SHOW

MUCH TO LORNE, TO THE AMAZING
CAST AND CREW.

THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF MY BIGGEST
DREAMS.
I'M SO GRATEFUL.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME,

THANK YOU FOR LAUGHING AND BEING AN
AMAZING AUDIENCE.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT
TONIGHT.

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