All language subtitles for e02 - Amy Poehler and Role Model.eng

>>> EARLIER THIS WEEK, ATTORNEY
GENERAL PAM BONDI

APPEARED BEFORE THE SENATE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE.

AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF HER TESTIMONY,

THE SENATORS
DETERMINED THAT SHE HADN'T
ACTUALLY ANSWERED ANY OF THEIR
QUESTIONS.

SO SHE WAS RECALLED FOR A
FOLLOW-UP SESSION.

WE NOW JOIN THE PROCEEDINGS.

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I CALL THIS SESSION OF THE
SENATE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE TO
ORDER.

SENATORS DURBIN, WHITEHOUSE,
KLOBUCHAR, BLUMENTHAL,

AND THE
AGGRESSIVELY FOLKSY SENATOR
KENNEDY OF LOUISIANA PRESIDING.

>> THANK YOU, MOST KINDLY.
AS WE SAY DOWN AROUND THE BAYOU,

THIS IS ATTORNEY GENERAL GOT
SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.

>> AND SHE WILL.
WELCOME BACK, MADAME ATTORNEY
GENERAL.

>> WHAT'S UP, NERDS?

FURIOUS TO BE HERE.

>> DO YOU AFFIRM THE TESTIMONY
YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE BEFORE THIS
COMMITTEE

WILL BE THE TRUTH, THE
WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE
TRUTH, SO HELP YOU GOD?

>> NO.

>> THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE AN
OPENING STATEMENT?

>> YES, I WOULD.
MY NAME IS PAM BONDI.

I SPELL WITH IT AN I BECAUSE I
AIN'T GOING TO ANSWER ANY OF
YOUR QUESTIONS.

MY TIME IS VALUABLE.
THE DOJ HAS MANY ON GOING
OPERATIONS

AND WE'RE MOVING LIKE
KASH PATEL'S EYEBALLS

VERY
QUICKLY IN MULTIPLE DIRECTIONS
AT ONCE.

>> VERY GOOD, MA'AM.
THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES SENATOR
BLUMENTHAL.

>> MADAME ATTORNEY GENERAL,

DID PRESIDENT TRUMP DIRECT YOU

TO PROSECUTE HIS POLITICAL
OPPONENTS?

>> BEFORE I DON'T ANSWER,

I WOULD LIKE TO INSULT YOU
PERSONALLY.

SENATOR BLUMENTHAL, LOOK AT THIS
HONKY.

EVEN PEOPLE IN CONNECTICUT GO,
DAMN, THAT GUY IS WHITE AS HELL.

>> OKAY.

>> THAT IS JUST ONE OF THE MANY
ROAST-STYLE BURNS I HAVE HERE ON
THIS PAPER.

DON'T MAKE ME USE THEM.

>> I'LL ASK AGAIN.

DID THE PRESIDENT DIRECT YOU TO
INDICTMENT JAMES COMEY?

>> I'M NOT GOING TO DISCUSS MY
PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS WITH THE
PRESIDENT.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU WHO SAID WHAT

OR WHO FELL ASLEEP THE
MIDDLE OF A SENTENCE

OR WHO KEPT
CALLING ME IVANKA WHILE PATTING
HIS LAP.

>> THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES SENATOR
WHITEHOUSE.

>> GOOD BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT I
WANT TO TALK ABOUT,

JEFFREY
EPSTEIN.

REALLY THOUGHT MORE SENATORS WERE
GOING TO CLAP.

ANY WAY, DID THE FBI FIND PHOTOS

OF PRESIDENT TRUMP WITH
HALF-NAKED YOUNG WOMEN --

>> SIR.
>> -- WHEN THEY RAIDED MR.
EPSTEIN'S PROPERTY?

SIR, I'M NOT EVEN GOING
TO DIGNIFY THAT QUESTION WITH A
LIE.

>> CHAIR RECOGNIZES SENATOR
KENNEDY.

OKAY NOW.

YOU SAID YOU GOT A LIST OF THIS
EPSTEIN FELLA'S PLAYBOY FRIENDS
ON YOUR DESK.

I BELIEVE IT'S YOUR JOB TO TELL
US, WHO IS ON THAT LIST THERE ON
YOUR DESK?

>> I TRIED READING THE EPSTEIN
FILES BUT I GOT REALLY BORED.

IT'S SO REPETITIVE, TRUMP THIS,
TRUMP THAT, YAWN.

>> MOVING ON.
THE CHAIR RECOGNIZES RANKING
MEMBER DICK DURBIN.

>> YEAH, I RECOGNIZE DICK
DURBIN.

HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING
DIDDY GOT ARRESTED FOR.

THAT'S FROM MY BURN BOOK.

WHILE WE'RE AT IT, AMY
KLOBUCHAR, YOUR ASS OUT HERE
SOUNDING LIKE A POKEMON.

I CHOOSE YOU, KLOBUCHAR.

>> YOU GOT ME.

>> I'M GOING TO ASK MY QUESTION
NOW.

HOW CAN PRESIDENT JUSTIFY
DEPLOYING TROOPS AGAINST
AMERICAN CITIZENS?

DID YOU SEE THAT, HE PUSHED ME?

>> I DID NOT.

>> HE JUST CALLED ME A BITCH.
>> NO, I DIDN'T.

NOW WHY IS THE PRESIDENT SENDING
TROOPS TO MY HOME STATE?

>> TO PROTECT YOUR PEOPLE.

AND I WISHED YOU LOVED CHICAGO
AS MUCH AS YOU HATE PRESIDENT
TRUMP.

>> HOW LONG YOU BEEN WORKING ON
THAT LINE?

>> THREE FULL MONTHS.

>> YOU SAY THE TROOPS ARE THERE
TO PROTECT I.C.E. FACILITIES,

BUT WHY IS I.C.E. THERE IN THE
FIRST PLACE.

>> I DON'T KNOW.
YOU HAVE TO ASK HOMELAND
SECURITY DIRECTOR KRISTI NOEM.

>> WELL, SHE ISN'T HERE.

>> WHAT IF SHE IS, THOUGH.

>> HOLD MY GUN.

THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ME, KRISTI NOEM.

I SPELL MY NAME WITH AN I
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I THOUGHT IT WAS SPELT

AND I'M THE RAREST
TYPE OF PERSON IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,

A BRUNETTE THAT DONALD
TRUMP LISTENS TO.

I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT THIS
DEMOCRAT GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN
NEEDS TO END NOW.

>> WELL, THE DEMOCRATS ARE EVEN
MORE EAGER TO END THIS SHUTDOWN

THAN OUR REPUBLICAN COLLEAGUES.

>> THAT MAKES ME LAUGH MORE THAN
THE END OF OLD YELLER.

>> WHEN THE DOG GETS SHOT?

>> DOGS DON'T JUST GET SHOT.
HEROES SHOOT THEM.

SPEAKING OF HEROES, OUR
GOVERNMENT AGENTS ARE WORKING
WITHOUT PAY.

LUCKILY MY BOYS AT I.C.E. DON'T
MIND.
THEY'RE IN IT FOR THE LOVE OF
GAME.

HOW DID I FIND THEM?
BY RUNNING ADS LIKE THIS.

DO YOU NEED A JOB NOW?
>> YEAH.

>> ARE YOU A BIG, TOUGH GUY?
>> YEAH.

>> TOUGH ENOUGH FOR THE ARMY OR
POLICE?
>> NO.

>> DO YOU TAKE SUPPLEMENTS YOU
BOUGHT AT THE GAS STATION?
>> DAILY.

>> DO YOU HAVE TO USE ZIP TIES
BECAUSE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
DON'T TRUST YOU WITH KEYS?

>> YOU KNOW IT.

THEN BUCKLE UP, SLAP ON SOME
OAKLEYS, WIG BOY.
WELCOME TO I.C.E.

>> DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION?

>> NO.
NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

>> THEN OUR WORK HERE IS DONE.

>>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

MUSICAL

HOST

LADIES

THANK

I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
TONIGHT.

SNL IS SUCH A SPECIAL PLACE TO
ME.

I FOUND MY FIRST LOVE HERE,
BEING FAMOUS.

AND YOU KNOW, I'M STILL ON SOME
OF THE AMAZING MEDICATIONS THAT THEY PUT ME ON,

SO I WILL BE
FOREVER GRATEFUL.

FOR THOSE WONDERING, I'M NOT
HERE TO TALK ABOUT A BIG MOVIE
OR TV PROJECT.

BUT NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR
ATTENTION,
I AM LOOKING FOR AN ANGEL INVESTOR

FOR MY VERY ELITE
BRAND OF LOW SUGAR, HIGH TEQUILA SODAS

CALLED POEHLERS COALERS,

LIKE JUST LIKE ME, ARE BANNED IN
THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT.

LIFE IS GREAT.
I HAVE MY NEW PODCAST "GOOD
HANG" ON SPOTIFY.

>> THANK YOU.

THAT'S RIGHT.
I AM A PODCASTER NOW.

AND IF THAT'S NOT A RECESSION
INDICATOR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

>> BUT TONIGHT IS ACTUALLY VERY
SPECIAL NIGHT FOR THE SHOW,

NOT
JUST BECAUSE I'M HERE, BUT
BECAUSE 50 YEARS AGO

TODAY, ON
OCTOBER 11th, 1975,

THE VERY
FIRST EPISODE OF "SNL" AIRED.

AND THAT EPISODE WAS HOSTED BY
GEORGE CARLIN.

AND JUST LIKE GEORGE CARLIN, I'M
EXTREMELY HIGH.

BUT YOU KNOW THE WORLD LOOKED A
LOT DIFFERENT IN 1975,

FOR ONE
THING, WOMEN COULDN'T HAVE
CREDIT CARDS YET.

YEAH, BUT NOW I'M KIND OF LIKE
SOMEBODY TAKE MY CREDIT CARD
AWAY.

AM I RIGHT?

I MADE THEM PUT THAT IN.

IT'S ALWAYS A DREAM COME TRUE TO
BE HERE.

I REMEMBER WATCHING THE SHOW IN
THE '70s,

SITTING IN MY HOUSE IN
BURLINGTON, MASSACHUSETTS,

THINKING -- I WANT TO BE AN
ACTRESS SOME DAY.

AT LEAST UNTIL THEY INVENT AN
A.I. ACTRESS

WHO'S FUNNIER AND
WILLING TO DO FULL FRONTAL.

BUT 50 YEARS, WOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S NICE ABOUT
TURNING 50, YOU START TO NOT
CARE ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK.

AND THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT
SNL.

SHE'S OBVIOUSLY STOPPED CARING.

BUT NO MATTER THE AGE, IT'S
NEVER TOO LATE TO MAKE NEW
FRIENDS.

SAY HELLO TO THE NEWEST CAST
MEMBERS, EVERYBODY.

>> HEY, AMY.

WE'RE SO EXCITED YOU'RE --

>> KEEP IT MOVING.
WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER YET.
KEEP IT MOVING.

ANY WAY, BEFORE WE START THE
SHOW, I JUST WANTED TO SAY ONE
THING.

I KNOW IT CAN FEEL LIKE TIMES
ARE VERY TOUGH RIGHT NOW.

AND IN SOME WAYS, THEY HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN AND THEY ALWAYS WILL
BE.

SO I'LL JUST SAY THIS, IF
THERE'S A PLACE THAT FEELS LIKE HOME

YOU CAN GO BACK TO AND
LAUGH WITH FRIENDS,

CONSIDER
YOURSELF LUCKY, AND I DO.

AND TO THAT LITTLE A.I. ROBOT
WATCHING TV RIGHT NOW,

WHO WANTS
TO BE ON THIS STAGE SOME DAY,

I
SAY TO YOU, BEEP BEEP BOOP BOOP,

WHICH TRANSLATES TO --

YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO WRITE A JOKE,
YOU STUPID ROBOT.

AND I AM WILLING TO DO FULL
FRONTAL,

BUT NOBODY HAS ASKED
ME, OKAY!

ROLE MODEL IS HERE.

STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>>> THIS IS IT.
MY CHILDHOOD HOME.

>> I'M SO EXCITED TO MEET YOUR
FAMILY!
>> THEY'RE EXCITED TO MEET YOU,
TOO.

BEFORE WE GO IN, I SHOULD SAY
THEY CAN SEEM A LITTLE COLD AT
FIRST.

>> OH, BABE.
I'M SURE IT'S FINE.
I'M AMAZING WITH PARENTS.

I'VE DONE THIS HUNDREDS OF
TIMES.

>> AH, WAIT, HUNDREDS?

MOM, DAD, GRANDMA, I'M HOME!

HI.

>> UM WELCOME HOME, I GUESS.

>> SO, YEAH.

AS I WAS SAYING.

# EVERYTHING YOU DO OR SAY REACT
IN IN A WAY,

THE FAMILY CALLED
THE RUDEMANS #

>> ANY WAYS.
YEAH.

>> UM, OKAY.
HEY, MR. RUDEMAN.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

AMANDA TELLS ME YOU WORK AT
NASA.

>> BY WORK AT NASA, YOU MEAN I'M
EMPLOYED

BY THE NATIONAL
AERONAUTICS AND SPACE
ADMINISTRATION, THAN YEAH.

>> I MEAN, HE WHAT?

>> OKAY.
YEAH, THAT IS WHAT I MEANT.

>> ANY WAY, I GUESS I'LL JUST GO
GET THE QUESO DIP.

>> US, TOO.
- WHAT?

>> SO, I THINK THEY LIKE YOU.

>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THEIR TONE IS SO OFFENDED.

>> HEY, SIS.

AND OH, COOL.
THERE'S A RANDOM GUY IN MY
HOUSE.

NICE.

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO
DRINK?

>> YOU KNOW, I'LL HAVE A BEER IF
YOU'RE HAVING ONE.

>> WHOA!
AT 10:00 A.M.?

HE'S A REAL KEEPER, SIS.

I MEAN, WHAT.

>> I KNOW.
RIGHT?

>> I FEEL LIKE I'M BLOWING THIS
RIGHT NOW.

>> OH, NO, THIS IS THE BEST IT'S
EVER GONE.

>> I'LL GET THE LAND LINE

WE RANDOMLY STILL HAVE.

RUDEMAN RESIDENTS.

YEAH.
I KNOW.

I'M THE ONE WHO MADE THE
APPOINTMENT FOR TOMORROW.

LIKE, BUT THANKS FOR THE
REMINDER.

LIKE, WHAT?

>> WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHY DO THEY ALL TALK LIKE
THEY'RE A CASHIER AT BUFFALO
EXCHANGE?

>> IT'S JUST HOW THEY TALK.

>> ANY WAYS, I GOT THE CHEESE
DIP, I GUESS.

>> HEY, DO YOU WRANT SOME HELP
CARRYING THAT?

>> I THINK I CAN HANDLE A LITTLE --

I'M FINE.

BUT THANKS FOR THE HELP UP, I
GUESS.

>> UM, SO YEAH.
THAT JUST HAPPENED.

>> NICE CATCH, MAN.

>> OKAY.
STOP CLAP.

I CAN'T WIN WITH YOU GUYS.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I
TALKED TO YOU THE WAY YOU'RE
TALKING TO ME.

UM, RIGHT?
WOW.
LIKE I WAS SAYING.

>> NO!

>> DON'T YOU EVER SPEAK TO MY
FAMILY THAT WAY!

>> SO, THAT JUST HAPPENED.

# THE RUDEMANS #

>>> OH, SLOW DOWN, CHAMP.

LOOK, I'M NOT AS YOUNG AS I USED
TO BE.

AND I KNEW I NEEDED TO CUT BACK
ON MY DRINKING.

SO I SWITCHED TO NONALCOHOLIC
BEER.

SAME GREAT TASTE AS REGULAR
BEER, NONE OF THE BOOZE.

WHICH MEANT I COULD FINALLY HAVE
A COLD ONE WITH THE FELLAS

WHILE
STILL DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR
ME AND MY FAMILY.

BUT THEN I REALIZED, I WASN'T
GETTING DRUNK.

WHICH IS KIND OF THE POINT, YOU
KNOW?

WHICH IS WHY NOW I DRINK
NON-NONALCOHOLIC BEER.

FIRST NON-NONALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE
THAT'S OVER 96% ALCOHOL.

SAME GREAT TASTE AS NONALCOHOLIC BEER

BUT WITH MORE ALCOHOL THAN
ANY BEVERAGE CURRENTLY ON THE
MARKET.

HOT DOG.

PLUS, I STILL GET ALL THE SOCIAL
BENEFITS OF DRINKING
NONALCOHOLIC BEER, TOO.

>> LOOKING GOOD, MAN.
WHAT YOU DRINKING?

>> IT'S CALLED A NON.

>> DAMN, SMELL LIKE GASOLINE.

>> THANK YOU.
GET OUT OF HERE.

SEE THAT HYPHEN RIGHT THERE?

IT'S WHAT YOUR LAWYERS CALL THE
SKELETON KEY.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES ALL THIS
POSSIBLE.

SEE, NOT TECHNICALLY A LIE, IT'S
CALLED A DOUBLE NEGATIVE

AND IT
TASTES INCREDIBLE.

>> ERIC, YOU'RE SOBER.

>> AND YOU GAINED A FEW.
LOOKS LIKE WE'RE TWO THINGS.

SCRAM

AND THE BEST PART, YOU CAN
FINALLY DRINK AND DRIVE.

>> SIR, YOU BEEN DRINKING TODAY?
>> JUST MY NONS, OF COURSE.

>> GREAT.
YOU WON'T MIND IF I GIVE YOU A
BREATHALYZER.

BACK UP.
BACKUP.
OH GOD.

>> NOW NON-NONALCOHOLIC BEER.

DOUBLE THE NEGATIVE, DOUBLE THE
PARTY.

>>> SHE'S BLUNT, SHE'S
CLAIRVOYANT

AND SHE'S GOT A HARD
OUT AT 7.

SHE IS MISS LYCUS, THE FAST
PSYCHIC.

HEY. WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
MY NAME IS MISS LYCUS,

I'M A
FAST PSYCHIC AND ALWAYS OUT AND
HAVE A HARD OUT AT 7.

JOINING ME TODAY IS TAD DOUD.
AUTHOR OF BOOK SENIOR OF GHOSTS.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE TAD.

THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE
PROGRAM.

>> THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

WE HAVE A BUNCH OF SAD,
DESPERATE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

WHO WANT ANSWERS FROM BEYOND THE
SHADOWS.
I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM THOSE.

YOU IN THE TABLE CLOTH.
GO.

>> HI, MY NAME IS ANGELINA.

>> ANGELINA, WHAT'S YOUR
QUESTION.
GO.

>> OKAY, SO 15 YEARS AGO MY DAD
LEFT OUR HOUSE TO BUY A PACK OF CIGARETTES

AND I HAVEN'T SEEN
HIM SINCE.

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> WHAT?
>> HONEY, HE DIED.

HE DROWNED.
HE DROWNED UNTIL HE DIED.

AND NOW HE'S FISH FOOD.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

>> NO, BUT THANK YOU.

NEXT

>> WOW.
OKAY.
THAT WAS VERY FAST.

>> OKAY.
SHUT UP.
NEXT.

>> HI, SO I HAD A QUESTION ABOUT
MY GRANDPA.

>> HE'S DEAD.

>> OH, I KNOW.
IS HE HERE RIGHT NOW?
DOES HE HAVE A MESSAGE FOR ME?

>> YEAH, HE SAYS HI FROM HELL.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

>> NO, BUT THANK YOU.

>> NEXT.
GO, GO, GO.

>> HI.
SO MY HUSBAND --

>> HE'S DEAD.
HE DIED.
HE DROWNED.
NEXT.

>> OH, NO, ACTUALLY HE'S RIGHT
HERE.

>> HONEY, I KNOW.
I KNOW THAT.
HE DROWNED BUT HE'S STILL ALIVE

AND WHAT'S DEAD IS YOUR
MARRIAGE.

I HATE LOOKING AT YOU.
YOU LOOK LIKE SIBLINGS.

HE'S CHEATING ON YOU WITH A
WOMAN AS TALL AS HE IS.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

>> NOT AT ALL.
>> YES, IT DOES.

>> BUT THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU FOR WHAT.
WHY ARE YOU GOING SO FAST?

>> BECAUSE I JUST TOOK A
COLONOSCOPY DRINK AND IT'S GOING
THROUGH ME LIKE A JAPANESE BULLET TRAIN.

NEXT

>> MY FATHER RECENTLY PASSED
AWAY.

>> HONEY, HE'S DEAD.
>> THANK YOU.

>> AND NOW AS ALWAYS, WE NEED TO
ISSUE SOME CORRECTIONS FOR THE
PREDICTIONS GAVE LAST EPISODE.
HERE WE GO.

NOT

SO THOSE WERE THAT.
NEXT.

>> HI, I ALWAYS WONDERED WHO MY
BIOLOGICAL MOTHER IS.

>> HONEY, IT AIN'T ME.
THE GOOD NEWS IT'S HILLY DUFF.

THE BAD NEWS IT'S NOT THE ONE
YOU'RE THINKING OF.

NEXT.
GO, GO, GO.

>> SHE'S DEAD.

>> WHO IS.
>> YOU ARE.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU?

>> YEP.
THANK YOU.

THAT SOUND MEANS THE BULLET
TRAIN IS ONE STATION AWAY.

SO, TIME FOR THE SPEED ROUND.

>> THAT WASN'T THE SPEED ROUND?

>> OKAY.
GOING DOWN THE LINE.

DEAD.
DEAD.
ALIVE.

DROWNED.
BURNT.
DROWNED.
BURNT.

DROWNED, DROWNED, DROWNED,

MARY, F, KILL.

UNDIAGNOSED DIABETES.

AND IF I HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO YOU
YET, JUST KNOW THE GHOST OF HULK
HOGAN SAYS WHAT'S UP.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> OKAY.
ONE MORE.
BRING IT HOME.

>> HI.
TWO YEARS AGO I WAS ON THE SHOW
AND YOU TOLD ME MY BROTHER WAS
DROWNED

BUT ALIVE AND THRIVING
IN FLORIDA.

I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU
BECAUSE THANKS TO YOU, WE FOUND
MY BROTHER.

>> AND I'M ACTUALLY A HUGE FAN
OF TAD'S.

I HAD A QUESTION ABOUT HIS BOOK.

>> OKAY.
GREAT.
FINALLY.

>> SO N YOUR STORY ABOUT LISA,
LIKE WHAT --

>> IT'S 7 AND THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER EPISODE OF,

MISS LYCUS
THE FAST PSYCHIC.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?
>> NO, BUT THANK YOU.

>>> MILLIONS OF AMERICANS TUNED
IN FOR SEASON 1 OF "THE HUNTING
WIVES."

THE STRAIGHT BUTLESS BEE YAN
HORNY REPUBLICAN MURDER DRAMA.

NOW IT'S BACK FOR MORE.

>> WELL, I'M BACK FROM PRISON.

>> LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

>> RUSHED TO GET YOU IN RECORD TIME

THE HUNTING WIVES, SEASON
2.

ALL YOUR FAVS ARE BACK AND
THEY'RE AS NAUGHTY AS EVER.

>> SOPHIE, WHAT CAN I GET?
>> I DON'T DRINK.

I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

>> OKAY.
BUT HERE IS SOME WHISKEY.
>> OKAY, I WILL.

>> FIVE WILL BE QUEEN.

GUNS WILL BE DRAWN.

>> I THINK YOU KILLED THAT GIRL.

>> YOU TAKE THAT BACK.
>> OH, HELL NO.

>> LET'S PARTY, Y'ALL.

>> IN SEASON 1 --
>> JUST BREATHE.

>> SOPHIE LEARNED HOW TO HUNT,

BUT THERE'S ROOM FOR LOTS MORE
SENSUAL TEACHING.

PEOPLE MAGAZINE WRITES, IT'S
LIKE CALL ME BY YOUR NAME

FOR
WOMEN WHO SHOP AT BASS PRO SHOP.

>> NEVER MADE CHILI BEFORE.

>> IT'S JUST YOU AND THE BEANS.

>> PLUS, EVEN MORE GREAT WRITING

AND WIGS THAT ARE DOING THEIR
BEST.

>> AND WHO COULD FORGET, THE
TEEN.

>> YOU'RE CUTE.
YOU WANT TO HOOK UP?

>> I CAN'T.
I'M MARRIED AND YOU'RE 18.

>> OKAY.
BUT LET'S HOOK UP.

>> OKAY.
I WILL.

>> I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT LIES
THE WASHINGTON POST.

ROLLING STONE RAVES DIDN'T SOME
OF THESE CHARACTERS DIE ALREADY?

IT'S LIKE THE L WORD TOOK PLACE
IN YELLOWSTONE.

THIS SHOW HAS HEALED OUR NATION,
WRITES A.I. SCOTT,

THE ROBOT NOW
DOING REVIEWS FOR "THE NEW YORK
TIMES."

IN ONE SCENE A WOMAN TOOK OFF
HER ENTIRE OUTFIT TO PUT IN A
TAMPON.

THAT WAS INTERESTING.
SAYS THE AV CLUB

AND THINGS GET
EVEN CRAZIER WHEN A NEW NEW GIRL
JOINS THE GROUP.

>> HEY, LADIES.
I'M NEW HERE.

I JUST MOVED FROM CALIFORNIA.

>> WE'RE JUST MAKING MIMOSAS.
PULL UP A CHAIR.

>> I NEVER MADE MIMOSAS BEFORE.
>> I'LL SHOW YOU.

>> OKAY.

>> JUST TAKE IT SLOW.

>> WELL, I GOT TO MAKE SURE YOU
SHOW HER RIGHT.

>> SO NEW GIRL, YOU HAVE A NICE
CALIFORNIA BOYFRIEND?

>> I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

>> LESBIAN.
THIS IS TEXAS.

>> "THE HUNTING WIVES" SEASON 2.

DON'T WATCH IT ON A PLANE.

>>> I'M SURPRISED SHE'S COMING
INTO WORK STILL.

SHE'S NINE MONTHS PREGNANT.

>> I KNOW.
IT'S OKAY TO TAKE TIME OFF.

>> NO TIME FOR SMALL TALK.

WE'RE NECK IN NECK WITH FISHER
AND SONS

FOR A MULTIMILLION
DOLLAR CONSULTING DEAL
ATTACK

WE LAND THIS, YOU CAN ALL EXPECT
A FAT BONUS.

>> I KNOW YOU'RE THE MANAGER,

BUT IF YOU NEED TO LEAVE, WE CAN
ABSOLUTELY HANDLE IT.

>> NOT NECESSARY.
YESTERDAY WAS TECHNICALLY MY DUE
DATE.

SHOULD THE BABY ARRIVE, I
OBVIOUSLY HAVE A PLAN

AND IN THE
MEANTIME, LET'S LAND THIS DEAL.
RICHARD, GO AHEAD.

>> SURE, YEAH.
THANK YOU.

SO, THE KEY TO DISTINGUISHING
OUR COMPANY IS IN THE CLIENT
LIST.

WE'VE IMPLEMENTED SUCCESSFUL
STRATEGIES FOR MARKETING

FOR
RESULTING IN, I DON'T KNOW, OVER
$1.8 BILLION IN REVENUE.

AND AN AVERAGE OF 300% INCREASE
YEAR OVER YEAR.

I'M SORRY, WHAT IS THAT?

>> IT'S MY BIRTHING POOL.

AND I WOULD LOVE IF WE COULD
AVOID PERSONAL QUESTIONS,

BUT IF
YOU MUST KNOW, MY WATER BROKE.
CONTINUE.

>> YOUR WATER BROKE.
SHOULD WE GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL?

>> LET'S BE ADULTS, GUYS.
NOT EVERY BIRTH TAKES PLACE IN A
HOSPITAL.

PLENTY OF PEOPLE HAVE HOME
BIRTHS.
I HAPPEN TO BE HAVING A WORK
BIRTH.

NOW RICHARD, GO AHEAD.

>> OKAY.

SO, I GUESS BY STARTING WITH OUR
IMPRESSIVE CLIENT LIST.

>> SORRY.
ARE YOU OKAY?

>> YEAH.
THAT ALL SOUNDS REALLY GREAT SO
FAR.
WHY?

>> YOU WERE SCREAMING IN AGONY.

>> ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED A
BREAK?

>> I THINK MOMMA IS DOING GREAT.

>> SORRY, WHO IS THAT GUY?

>> HELLO.
I AM ZACCHARYA, I AM HER DOULA.

THANK YOU FOR WELCOMING ME INTO
YOUR TEMPLE OF EMPLOYMENT.

>> WHERE DID YOU FIND HIM?

>> HE'S VERY RESPECTED ON
FACEBOOK MARKETPLACE.

NOW, CLAIRE, LET'S HEAR FROM
YOUR DEPARTMENT, PLEASE.
YOU MOCKED UP A DECK, RIGHT?

>> YES, I DID.
EXCUSE ME, ZACCHARYA.

I PUT TOGETHER SOME OF OUR
FORTUNE 200 GROWTH CHARTS,

JUST
TO VISUALLY DEMONSTRATE OUR
ABILITIES --

>> OH, SOMETHING IS HORRIBLY
WRONG.
>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> THERE'S A TYPO IN THE HEADER,
CLAIRE.

NOW LISA, HOW ARE COMMS COMING?

>> WE'RE GOOD.

I THINK WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE

OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE
CLIENT JUST GO BEYOND THE --

ARE
YOU SAGING ME?

>> SORRY.
JUST CLEANSING THE ENERGY.

IT'S KIND OF A DOG WATER AURA
COMING FROM THIS DIRECTION HERE.

>> HONEY, HONEY!
EXCUSE ME.

I'M HERE, HONEY.
I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.

>> OKAY.
YOU'RE LATE.
PLEASE SIT DOWN.
WE'RE THE MIDDLE OF A MEETING.

>> OF COURSE.
SO SORRY.

GETTING IN.
GETTING IN.

CONTINUE.
>> OKAY.

>> DO YOU WANT US TO GIVE YOU
TWO A MINUTE?

>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, PLEASE.

I KNOW MY WIFE AND I KNOW SHE
WOULD LOVE IF YOU WOULD KEEP THE
MEETING GOING.

>> OH, I THINK THE BABY IS
CROWNING.
>> OKAY.

>> PUSH, MOMMA.
YOU GOT THIS.

HUBBY, HELP ME STIMULATE THE
MOTION OF THE TIDE.
>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> ANY WAYS, AS I WAS SAYING --

>> OH MY GOD.
IT'S SO SALTY.

>> YEAH.
THERE WE GO, MOMMA.

SHIMMY THAT LITTLE WORM OUT INTO
THE USA.

>> THIS IS NOT HOW DOULAS TALK.

>> HOW WOULD I KNOW, I'VE NEVER
DONE THIS BEFORE.

>> EXCUSE ME, I HAVE A PACKAGE FOR --

HO!
OKAYKY DOEKKY, I JUST SAW A FULL
VAGILGIGU.

MY DAY IS FINISHED.
GOOD-BYE.

>> HE'S COMING!
HE'S COMING!

>> OH MY GOD!

>> WAWA, CRAZY RIGHT?

BIRTHING A CHILD AT WORK?
WHO WOULD DO THAT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHO, THE MOST
AMAZING, HARD-WORKING,

DETAIL-ORIENTED WOMAN I'VE EVER
BEEN BIRTHED FROM, MY MOTHER.

COME ON, MOM.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO LAND THAT
DEAL.

ROLE

Sally, When the Wine Runs Out

I MET SALLY AT A
LATE-NIGHT DIVE BAR

SHE DON'T DANCE
BUT SHE DOWNS HER DRINKS #

# HEARD THROUGH A FRIEND
SHE'S A BORN-AGAIN
WILDCARD #

# SHE WAS TELLING ME
WILD THINGS

OH SHE WAS TELLING ME
WILD THINGS #

# LIVES DOWN THE STREET
PAST THE 7-ELEVEN

JUST CLOSE ENOUGH
THAT I SPENT THE NIGHT #

# SHE GRABBED MY HAND
AT THE INTERSECTION

I SPILLED MY GUTS
AT THE RED LIGHT #

# SALLY

THAT FEELING'S
COMING AROUND #

# PLEASE DON'T GO
FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR
WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

# SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE
OF ROUNDS #

# DON'T LET ME THINK
I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR
WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

# AH SALLY #

# WELL I OPEN UP WHILE SHE'S
FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES

GETTING LONELY AS
THE DAYS GET DARK #

# IF YOU'RE BORED AND
YOUR MIND STARTS CHANGING

MAYBE JUST GIVE ME
A HEAD START #

I SEE THE GLASS
IN YOUR EYES

JUST TRYNA KEEP IT ALIVE

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD #

# SALLY

THAT FEELING'S
COMING AROUND #

# PLEASE DON'T GO
FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR
WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

# SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE
OF ROUNDS #

# DON'T LET ME THINK
I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR
WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

WHERE'S MY SALLY TONIGHT!

HERE WE GO AGAIN
I'M FALLING HEADFIRST

ANKLES HIT THE TWO-STEP
SALLY MAKES MY HEAD HURT #

# HEARD THROUGH
THE GRAPEVINE
SHE CAN BE A DIVA #

# COLD LIKE MINNESOTA
HOTTER THAN A FEVER #

# AW -- HERE WE GO AGAIN
I'M FALLING HEADFIRST

ANKLES HIT THE TWO-STEP
SALLY MAKES MY HEAD HURT #

# HEARD THROUGH
THE GRAPEVINE
SHE CAN BE A DIVA #

# COLD LIKE MINNESOTA
HOTTER THAN A FEVER #

# SALLY

THAT FEELING'S
COMING AROUND #

# PLEASE DON'T GO
FALLING IN LOVE

THEN DISAPPEAR
WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

# SALLY

I'LL BUY A COUPLE
OF ROUNDS #

# DON'T LET ME THINK
I'M ENOUGH

THEN DISAPPEAR
WHEN THE WINE RUNS OUT #

UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE.

>>> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.

>>> WELL, IT IS NICE TO START
UPDATE WITH SOME GOOD NEWS

FOR
ONCE THERE IS PEACE THE MIDDLE
EAST.

THE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS THERE'S WAR
IN CHICAGO.

ONLY TRUMP COULD FREAKY FRIDAY
CHICAGO AND GAZA.

AND I KNOW TRUMP IS UPSET THAT
HE DIDN'T WIN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE,

BUT THE LAST GUY TO SEND
HEAVILY ARMED MEN INTO AN
AMERICAN CITY

WAS BANE FROM
BATMAN.

BANE, WHO IS ALSO SNUBBED FOR
THE PEACE PRIZE.

AND TRUMP DESERVES CREDIT, I
HAVE TO SAY, FOR BROKERING THIS
CEASEFIRE IN GAZA,

BUT I'M
SLIGHTLY SKEPTICAL

SINCE BIDEN
ALSO NEGOTIATED A CEASEFIRE IN
GAZA NINE MONTHS AGO.

REMEMBER THAT?
NO?

WELL, NEITHER DOES BIDEN.

>> THE ACTUAL NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
WAS AWARDED THIS WEEK

TO
VENEZUELAN OPPOSITION LEADER.

FOX

TRUMP ROBBED BY DERANGED
HISPANIC.

>>> MANY LEADERS THE MIDDLE EAST
ARE CREDITED PRESIDENT TRUMP

WITH BROKERING THE HAMAS-ISRAEL

SENSE

CRAZY PEOPLE ONLY LISTEN TO
OTHER CRAZY PEOPLE.

YOU SEE A GUY JACKING ON THE
SUBWAY YOU DON'T ASK HIM TO
STOP.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS
TOO, AND NOW WE CAN NEGOTIATE.

>>> HEALTH SECRETARY -- HEALTH
SECRETARY RFK JR.

SEEN HERE
TRYING TO CURE CANCER WITH HIS
MIND.

SAID THIS WEEK THAT MEN WHO WERE
CIRCUMCISED ARE MORE LIKELY TO
BE AUTISTIC.

WHICH ISN'T SURPRISING COMING
FROM A MAN

WHO LOOKS LIKE HE'S
MADE OUT OF FORESKIN.

>> NOT MINE.

THE PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS
REPORTEDLY BECOME CONCERNED

WITH
CONGRESSWOMAN MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE, CRITICIZING REPUBLICANS ON KEY ISSUES

WITH TRUMP ASKING,
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MARJORIE?

LITTLE ADVICE, BRO, LET HER GO.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER.

GOD KNOWS I'VE TRIED.

>>> U.S. TREASURY IS PLANNING TO
RELEASE A SILVER DOLLAR WITH
PRESIDENT TRUMP'S FACE ON IT,

AND THEN ON THE OTHER SIDE, HE
HAS HARRIET TUBMAN IN A HEAD
LOCK.

>>> THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS
ALSO ROLLING OUT A VIDEO AT AIRPORTS

IN WHICH KRISTI NOEM
WILL BLAME DEMOCRATS FOR FLIGHT DELAYS

RELATED TO THE GOVERNMENT
SHUTDOWN.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> I WANT TO PLAY A GAME.

>> IT'S MEMORABLE.

>>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUED A
PROCLAMATION ENDING INDIGENOUS PEOPLE'S DAY

AND CALLING
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS THE
ORIGINAL AMERICAN HERO.

SO WHILE TRUMP IS ROUNDING UP PEOPLE WITH I.C.E.,

HE IS PRAISING COLUMBUS

A GUY WHO
LITERALLY BROUGHT BOAT LOADS OF
HISPANICS TO AMERICA.

>>> AFTER A HISTORIC WIN IN THE
PRIMARIES,

ZOHRAN MAMDANI IS NOW
THE FRONT-RUNNER IN THE NEW YORK
CITY MAYORAL RACE.

HERE TO COMMENT -- YEAH.

HERE TO COMMENT IS A VERY
CONCERNED NEW YORKER, RHONDA
LACINZO.

>> MICHAEL CHE, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR GIVING ME THIS
PLATFORM.

>> WELL, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

I HAVE TO SAY, RHONDA, YOU HAVE
VERY PANICKED ENERGY ALREADY.

>> OH, ME?
WHY WOULD I BE PANICKED?

OH, I'M JUST THRILLED THAT OUR
CITY IS ABOUT TO BE TAKEN OVER

BY MY FAVORITE TYPE OF PERSON,

HOORAY, JIHADIST.

>> THAT'S PRETTY STRONG WORDS
OUT THE GATE.

>> WELL, CHE, HE ISN'T EVEN A
REAL NEW YORKER, CHE.

HE'S FROM UGANDA.
OKAY?

I'M A REAL NEW YORKER, CHE.
I'M FROM LONG ISLAND, CHE.

>> LONG ISLAND ISN'T IN NEW YORK
CITY.
YOU CAN'T EVEN VOTE IN THIS
ELECTION.

>> WELL, REALLY?
HOW COME I VOTED FOR CUOMO IN
THE PRIMARY 48 TIMES, CHE?

>> I DON'T KNOW BUT THAT'S
ILLEGAL.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL, CHE,

ALL OF MAMDANI'S
SOCIALIST POLICIES, FREE BUSES,
HUH?

RENT FREEZE, UNIVERSAL CHILD
CARE?

YOU KNOW, I READ THAT MAMDANI
HIMSELF SAID THAT HE'S GOING TO ACT --

ENACT SHARIA LAW IN THE
CITY.

SHARIA LAW.

HE CAN'T DO THAT, CHE.
I KNOW SHARIA.

SHE'S MY NAIL TECH.

AND SHE SHOULD NOT BE LAW.

COFFEE,CH SNERKS.

>> NO.
WHERE ARE YOU READING THIS
STUFF?

>> "THE NEW YORK TIMES," CHE.

ON THEIR WEBSITE ON A COMMENT

FOR A RECIPE FOR A SALAD.

>> THAT SHARIA LAW THING IS NOT
TRUE, YOU KNOW THAT, RHONDA?

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IS TRUE,
CHE.

MAMDANI IS AN ISIS TRAINED FROM
UGANDA.

YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, CHE.

HEY, CHE.

YOU THINK COLIN WOULD DO THAT
JOKE FOR ME

IN EXCHANGE FOR A
PAIR OF MY PANTIES?

COFFEE, CHE?
>> NO.

>> COFFEE, CHE.
>> THAT SMELLS A LOT LIKE GIN.

WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR
INFORMATION?

>> HE TOLD ME TO MY FACE

IN A SEXUAL FANTASY YOUED A ABOUT
HIM.

>> YOU HAD A SEX DREAM ABOUT
HIM?

>> AND I'VE WRITTEN IT AS A
SCREEN PLAY.

>> WE OPEN ON TEHERAN.

WE HEAR THE MUSLIM CALL TO
PRAYER.

AND OUT OF A CLOUD OF HOOKAH SMOKE

TELLS THE BOLSHEVIK
HIMSELF - ZOHRAN.

HE DROPS HIS TOWEL REVEALING HIS
BIG, GIRTHY BUS.

AND TONIGHT, I'M RIDING IT FOR
FREE.

COFFEE, CHE?
COFFEE, CHE?
>> NO.

RHONDA, I THINK I'M CONFUSED.
THERE'S SO MUCH GIN IN THERE.

I'M CONFUSED WHY YOU CARE.
YOU DON'T LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY.

>> ONLY BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD
IT.
NO ONE CAN.

LISTEN, CHE, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT,

LONG ISLANDERS MAKE NEW
YORK CITY WHAT IT IS.
OKAY?

WITHOUT US, WHO WOULD TAKE CALLS
ON SPEAKERPHONE

DURING LION
KING?
OKAY?

WITHOUT US, WHERE WOULD ALL THE
MOST VIOLENT COPS LIVE?

>> STATEN ISLAND.

>> OKAY, RHONDA.
I JUST THINK SOME OF WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING IS PRETTY ISLAMOPHOBIC IS
ALL.

>> ISLAMAPHOBIC, CHE.
HOW DARE YOU.
HOW DARE YOU, CHE.

I'M NOT ISLAMOPHOBIC, CHE.
OKAY?

I'M JUST SCARED OF ALL MUSLIM
PEOPLE.

>> THAT IS WHAT ISLAMOPHOBIC
MEANS.

>> I AM THEN.
YES.

>> RHONDA, EVERYBODY.

COFFEE, CHE?

>>> FORMER JETS QUARTERBACK MARK SANCHEZ

HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
DRUNKENLY ASSAULTING A DELIVERY DRIVER

BEFORE THE DRIVER STABBED
HIM.

THE PENALTIES OFFSET, REPEAT
FIRST DOWN.

IF CONVICTED, SANCHEZ COULD BE
SENT TO PRISON

OR WORSE, BACK TO
THE JETS.

>>> OPENAI UPDATED HIS VIDEO
GENERATING APP SORA

FOR USERS TO
CREATE VIDEOS AND CAMEOS.

THEY'RE PRETTY REALISTIC.
I MADE THIS ONE BEFORE THE SHOW.

>> YOU SUCK.

>> REALLY EXCITED FOR THAT TO
JUST BE OUT THERE.

>>> A GROWING NUMBER OF GEN Z
MEN ARE MOVING BACK IN WITH THEIR PARENTS,

TAKING OVER
HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND CALLING
THEMSELVES TRAD SONS.

REPLACING THE OLD NAME,
FAILURES.

>>> ARBY'S ANNOUNCE THAIRD
ADDING A NEW ITEM TO THEIR MENU, STEAK NUGGETS

ALTHOUGH YOU CAN
MAKE YOUR OWN STEAK NUGGETS BY
EATING A BUNCH OF ARBY'S.

>>> A HIGH SCHOOL CHEER COACH
WAS ARRESTED ON CHARGES

THAT SHE
HAD SEX WITH A MALE STUDENT.

SAID THE COACH, GIVE ME A D.

OKAY.

>>> ACCORDING TO EXPERTS,
OCTOBER IS THE MOST COMMON MONTH

FOR SINGLE PEOPLE TO ENTER
RELATIONSHIPS,

COMMONLY KNOWN AS
CUFFING SEASON.

HERE TO COMMENT ARE GRANT AND ALYSSA,

THE COUPLE YOU CAN'T
BELIEVE ARE TOGETHER.

>>> WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S
UP, COLIN, GREAT TO BE BACHMAN.

IT IS CUFFING SEASON AND I LOVE
IT.

I'M CUFFED AS HELL, BABY.

AND LET'S JUST SAY WHEN THE
OFFICER LOOKS LIKE THIS, YOU
DON'T RESIST ARREST.

>> THAT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU
GUYS, AS ALWAYS.
SO YOU LIKE THE FALL?

>> OH, MAN, MY BABY LOVES THE
FALL.

SHE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW
MUCH SHE LOVES THE FALL.

TELL THEM, BABY, DON'T YOU LOVE
THE FALL.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH, MAN.
SHE AIN'T LYING.

MY BABY IS SO SMART, SHE DOESN'T
EVEN CALL IT FALL.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU CALL IT,
BABY?
>> AUTUMN.

>> WHAT?
WHAT EVEN IS THAT, GUYS?

I JUST CALL IT THE TIME WHEN THE
TREES LOSE THEIR HAIR.

BUT MY BABY IS SO FUNNY, COLIN.
SHE IS HILARIOUS.

THE OTHER DAY WE WERE APPLE
PICKING.
AND MY BABY TOLD THE FUNNIEST
THING.

TELL THEM WHAT YOU SAID AT THE
APPLE PLACE, BABY.

>> I SAID PLEASE CALM DOWN.

>> MY BABY IS HILARIOUS, COLIN.

YEAH.
AND WE BOTH LOVE HALLOWEEN.
BUT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS.

>> I'M FASCINATED BY HIS PAGAN
ORIGINS.

>> YEAH.
I LIKE SEEING LITTLE KIDS
DRESSED AS SPIDERMAN

SO I GET TO
SEE MY FAVORITE SUPERHERO WHAT
HE WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE WHEN
HE WAS LITTLE.

>> WOW.

THAT'S SO DUMB.

ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO
COSTUMES THIS YEAR?

>> I'LL BE GOING AS SYLVIA
PLAQUE.

IT'S THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR YOU
CAN DRESS LIKE A SLUT.

>> DAMN, BABY.

I'LL BE WHAT I AM EVERY YEAR,
MIKE WAZOSKI!

>> THAT'S A HORN.

WE ALSO LIKE TO CARVE PUMPKINS
TOGETHER, COLIN.

>> OH, OH.
I WANT TO SEE.

>> I MADE THISSED A ON ODE TO
EDGAR ALLEN POST, THE REIGN.

>> LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT THAT, COLIN.
LOOK HOW TALENTED MY BABY IS.

>> AND I MADE THIS ONE.

I THINK I MADE THE NOSE TOO BIG.

BUT MY FAVORITE PART OF
HALLOWEEN COMES AT NIGHTTIME,
COLIN.

>> RIGHT.
WHEN YOU GO TRICK OR TREATING.

>> CLOSE.
TELL THEM, BABY.

>> OH, WHEN AFTER A LONG DAY OF
FESTIVE FUN, I TAKE HIM TO THE BEDROOM,

LIGHT MY GOOD CANDLE
AND I JACKAL ON HIS LANTERN.

>> ALYSSA AND GRANT, EVERYONE.

>> DAMN, BABY.

>>> AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE IN
LITERATURE

FOR HIS COMPELLING AND VISIONARY

IN THE MIDST OF
APOCALYPTIC TERROR REAFFIRMS THE
POWER OF ART.

THE TITLE HIS BOOK "YOU GOT TO
WASH YOUR ASS."

>> THAT WOULDN'T BE TITLE.
>> PROBABLY NOT, NO.

>>> MONDAY WAS NATIONAL
GERMAN-AMERICAN DAY

WHICH MY
FAMILY HAS BEEN CELEBRATING

EVER
SINCE THEY HASTILY MOVED HERE IN
1945.

>> OH MY GOD.

>> WHAT DID I DO TO EVERYONE?

>>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A
HOSPITAL RECORD

AFTER GIVING
BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY.

IT'S THE FIRST BABY TO EVER BUST
OUT SAYING, OH, YEAH!

>> OKAY, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA.

WHAT!

>> STOP, STOP, STOP.
I'VE BEEN HERE OUT HERE ALL
NIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO -- CHEER FOR
ME.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT AM I
DOING HERE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, A WOMAN HAS A
13 POUND BABY

AND THAT'S THE
BEST YOU DO.

>> YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER.
>> OH, I KNOW I CAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, IT'S
TIME FOR A GOOD OLD FASHION

WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF.

>> WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF.

MY FIRST WIFE AND MY SECOND
WIFE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.

>> OKAY.
I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE RULES.
>> UH-HUH.

>> OR NOT.
ONE MORE TIME, I'LL JUST SET IT
UP FOR US.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A
HOSPITAL RECORD

AFTER GIVING BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY AND GO.

>> A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13
POUND BABY

WHICH WAS SO BIG HE
SLAPPED THE DOCTOR ON HIS A-SS.

>> A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13
POUND BABY

AND THE NEW BABY'S
NAME IS AH!

A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY,

DAMN, DID SHE GIVE BIRTH
TO IT OR DID IT DRIVE OUT?

>> HERE IS A FUN FACT, SECOND
THE BABY WAS OUT

THE WOMAN
ZIPPED AROUND THE ROOM LIKE A
DEFLATED BALLOON.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE GAVE BIRTH
TO A SP POUND BABY

BECAUSE IT'S
TENNESSEE AND THE BABY WAS ALSO
PREGNANT.

A WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO A 13 POUND
BABY.

THE BABY'S NICKNAME IS MAGICIAN

BECAUSE IT BASICALLY SAWED HIS
MOTHER IN HALF.

>> BUZZER SOUND.

A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A
HOSPITAL RECORD

AFTER GIVING
BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY

AND
THEN SHE BROKE OFF HER HUSBAND'S PENIS

TO MAKE SURE IT NEVER
HAPPENED AGAIN.

>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE GAVE
BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY.

THE DOCTOR SAID IT'S A BOY, BOY,
BOY, BOY, BOY.

>> A WOMAN IN TENNESSEE BROKE A
HOSPITAL RECORD

AFTER GIVING
BIRTH TO 13 POUND BABY

THE LUCID VAGINA

THAT WAS PREVIOUSLY HELD
BY ME.

>> YOU WON.
>> YEAH, WE WON.

>> DID YOU?

>> "WEEKEND UPDATE JOKE-OFF"

FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I'M COLIN JOST.

SETH

>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.

GOOD

LIEBERMAN ATTORNEYS AT LAW.

>> WERE YOU RECENTLY INJURED IN
AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT.

>> THE INSURANCE COMPANY DENY
YOUR CLAIM?

IF SO, CALL BILLSON AND LIEBERMAN

WITH A COMBINED 50
YEARS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE,

WE
KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE INSURANCE
GUYS PAY.

JUST ASK OUR CLIENTS.

>> WHEN I WAS HIT BY A CAR,

BILLSON AND LIEBERMAN GOT ME
$50,000.

>> I COULDN'T WORK AFTER MY
ACCIDENT BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT
TO.

BILLSON AND LIEBERMAN GOT ME
PAID.

>> LOOK, EXPERIENCE MATTERS.

>> AND WITH THE COMBINED 50
YEARS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE, THE
CHOICE IS CLEAR.

NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN A WRECK,
CALL --

>> NOT SO FAST!

>>> I'M LACHLAN MULCHBURGER.

AND WITH 75 YEARS OF LEGAL
EXPERIENCE, JUST BY MYSELF,

I
MAKE BILLSON AND LIEBERMAN LOOK
LIKE SLICK NEWBORN BABIES.

I'M LACHLAN MULCHBURGER.

I'M JACKED.
I'M OLD AS HELL

AND I WILL FIGHT
FOR YOU!
JUST ASK MY CLIENTS.

>> WE'RE AN INTERRACIAL
HOMOSEXUAL COUPLE.

>> SO AS YOU CAN IMAGINE LACHLAN
MULCHBURGER SAID SOME PRETTY
CRAZY STUFF TO US.

>> BUT HE DID GET US OVER
$200,000, SO WE COOL WITH IT.

>> IF YOU'RE HURT, YOU WANT THE
MOST EXPERIENCED LAWYER AROUND.

AND WITH 75 YEARS OF IT, THAT'S
ME.
LACHLAN MULCHBURGER.

>> NOT SO FAST.
>> WHAT!

>> GREETINGS.
WE'RE THE DRABBLE SISTERS.

AND WE HAVE A COMBINED 240 YEARS
OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE.

>> TO US, IT'S PERSONAL.

80 YEARS AGO OUR HUSBANDS WERE
KILLED IN A VEHICULAR ACCIDENT

INVOLVING A JAPANESE PLANE AND
AN AMERICAN BATTLESHIP.

RIGHT, TALLULAH?
>> ME!

>> DON'T TAKE IT FROM US.

JUST ASK ONE OF OUR SATISFIED
CLIENTS.

>> THE DRABBLE SISTERS GOT ME
OVER $500,000.

WHICH WAS SURPRISING CONSIDERING
ONE OF THEM

THOUGHT I WAS HER
DEAD DAUGHTER EVERYDAY.

>> SO IF YOU'RE HURT, CALL US,

THE MOST EXPERIENCED LEGAL TEAM.

>> NOT SO FAST!
CLONES ACTIVATE.

WE ARE BILLSON, BILLSON,
BILLSON, BILLSON

AND LIEBERMAN,
LIEBERMAN, LIEBERMAN, LIEBERMAN.

WE CLONED OURSELVES FOUR TIMES
TO MAXIMIZE OUR LEGAL
EXPERIENCE.

NOW WITH 300 YEARS OF TOTAL
EXPERIENCE!

>> NOT SO FAST!

LACHLAN MULCHBURGER AGAIN.

AND MY JACK OLD ASS JUST MERGED
WITH TURTLETAUB AND SHELBY,

WE
TORTUOUSES AT LAW.

THE THREE OF US HAVE OVER 400
YEARS OF COMBINED LEGAL
EXPERIENCE.

THIS LITTLE BITCH WAS ON THE
MAYFLOWER.

SO NOW WE ARE BY FAR THE MOST
EXPERIENCED LEGAL TEAM.

>> NOT SO FAST!

I WANT TO REPRESENT YOU.

HI, I'M DRACULAW.

I ALSO HAVE 400 YEARS OF LEGAL
EXPERIENCE.

BUT THANKS TO MY NEW PARTNERS.

WE HAVE A COMBINED 400 YEARS

AND 9 MONTHS OF LEGAL EXPERIENCE.

>> NO!

>> NOT SO FAST.

DO NOT BE AFRAID.

IT IS I, IDRISIL THE EVER TREE.

THE WELLSPRING OF ALL LIFE,

FROM MY BRANCHS FLOW THE DEW DROPS OF
TIME.

AND IF YOU'VE BEEN INJURED IN A
CAR ACCIDENT, I'LL GET YOU PAID.

BUT DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.
JUST ASK ONE OF MY CLIENTS.

SO I'M DOWN AT CYPRESS, RIGHT?

ZEUS

AND I'M OUT IN THE FORM OF A SWAN,

LOOKING FOR SOME STRANGE,
LIKE I DO.

WHEN I GOT HIT WITH A CART FULL
OF ORNATE CLAY POTS.

DRAHMAS

THANK YOU,

# INJURY ATTORNEY,

TIME IS AN

AGAIN

Some Protector

# IT'S CLOSING TIME
AND I'M LEAVING

YOU'RE HOLDING ON
TO SOMEONE NEW #

# ARE YOU STILL PICKING UP
THE PIECES

AM I STILL WORRIED
ABOUT YOU #

# WHY YES I AM
AND I ALWAYS WILL #

# YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

BE SOME PROTECTOR #

# HOLDING ON FROM A DISTANCE

I'D NEVER WANNA INTRUDE #

# DOES HE LOVE YOU
ANY DIFFERENT

AM I STILL SOUNDING
LIKE A FOOL #

WHY YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

BE SOME PROTECTOR

BE SOME PROTECTOR

TO YA ##

GUILTY
SORRY

MISS
PARTY

AM I DRAGGING THIS FOREVER #

# AM I THINKING
'BOUT SEPTEMBER #

# AM I WRECKING REPUTATION

WHILE YOU'RE MAKING
RESERVATIONS #

# AM I LYING TO MY MOTHER

THAT SOMEDAY
I'LL FIND ANOTHER #

# YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

YES I AM AND I ALWAYS WILL

# AND I ALWAYS WILL #

>>> EAT UP, KIDS.
I MADE MY FAMOUS RICE AND
SPAGHETTI.

>> WELL, SHOULDN'T WE MATE FOR
MOM, OR LET ME GUESS --

>> YOUR MOTHER IS OUT.

>> AGAIN?
THIS IS CRAZY.

SHE'S HAVING LIKE A TOTAL MID
LIFE CRISIS.

KIDS, IT'S JUST A
PHASE.
FIRST IT WAS PICKLEBALL.

THEN 3D PRINTING COSTUME
JEWELRY.

>> I DON'T KNOW.
THIS FEELS DIFFERENT.

>> OH, HEY, MOM.

>> HEY.
WHAT!

>> DAD MADE DINNER, OKAY.

>> I'M NOT HUNGRY.
I'M GOING TO MY ROOM.

>> SIT DOWN.
WE NEED TO TALK.

>> OH MY GOD!

>> SO.
WHERE WERE YOU TONIGHT?
>> NOWHERE.

>> AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?
>> NO ONE.

>> DAD, ARE YOU GOING TO SAY
SOMETHING?

>> KIDS, IT'S OKAY TO TRY NEW
THINGS.

AFTERALL, YOUR MOM SUPPORTED ME
WHEN I BOUGHT THAT VESPA.

LET HER VAPE.

>> YOU'RE VAPING NOW?

>> IT'S BUBBLE GUM MINT, BITCH.

>> MOM, WE KNOW IT'S A WEIRD TIME FOR YOU

AND YOUR BODY IS
CHANGING.

SO WE GOT YOU THIS BOOK.

WHEN A PERIOD BECOMES A COMMA.
GUIDE TO PERIMENOPAUSE.

>> YOU'RE SO EMBARRASSING.
DON'T TALK ABOUT MY BODY.

>> KID, YOUR MOTHER'S CHANGING
BODY IS BETWEEN HER

AND THE GIRL
AT CLAIRE'S WHO PIERCED HER
AREOLAS.

GOD

>> I DON'T NEED THIS ATTITUDE AT
HOME.

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU I'M
GETTING BULLIED AT SCHOOL?

>> YOU'RE THE SUPERINTENDENT.

>> DAVID, GET THE DOOR.

>> IS EILEEN HOME?

>> WHAT UP, SKANKS.
I TOLD YOU TO WAIT FOR ME DOWN
THE BLOCK.

>> WE'RE GOING TO SIT ON THE
SWINGS AND WATCH ANIME.

>> THIS IS YOUR HOUSE?
>> IT SUCKS HERE.

LITERALLY EVERYBODY IS WHITE.

>> MOM, COME ON.

>> OH, SHUT UP.
SHUT UP.
SHUT UP!

>> HELLO.
HI, LINDA.

HI.
HOW ARE YOU?

NO, EVERYTHING IS FINE.
IT'S REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

YEAH, OKAY.
WELL, I WILL GET THAT HVAC FIXED

BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME AS
WELL.

OKAY.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.

WORK SUCKS AND THEN YOU DIE!

LET'S MOSH!

>> OKAY!
EVERYBODY OUT!

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> NOT YOU, DAD.
>> SORRY.

>> MOM, WE GET WHAT YOU'RE GOING
THROUGH.

>> OH, REALLY!
TRY LIVING ONE DAY IN MY TWISTED
REALITY.

RAISING TWO KIDS.

TAKING CARE OF MY AGING PARENTS.

LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE!

VISION BLURRY.
NERVE PINCHED.

PELVIC FLOOR ON THE GROUND!

F MY LIFE!

I FORGOT MY ETSY PASSWORD.

HATE

>> I KNOW LIFE IS HARD, MOM.
WE JUST MISS YOU.

>> LOOK, KIDS, I STILL AM YOUR
MOM AND I LOVE THIS FAMILY.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE I WAS TONIGHT,

GETTING A TATTOO OF US.
>> REALLY?

>> SO I'LL ALWAYS HAVE YOU WITH
ME.

THAT IS SO INFECTED.

>> LIFE IS PAIN!

>> ALL RIGHT, STUDENTS.
TODAY IS OUR MASTER CLASS

WITH
COMPOSERS FROM THE TELEVISION
INDUSTRY.

THEY'VE MADE OPENING TITLE SONGS
FOR SOME OF TODAY'S BIGGEST
SHOWS.

PLEASE WELCOME, LEONARD
MARGARITA AND LYDIA CALABASAS.

>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING US.

IT'S AN HONOR AND PRIVILEGE TO
BE HERE AT JUILLIARD.

>> WE LOVE TALKING TO YOUNG
COMPOSERS IN OVERTURE OF THEIR
LIVES.

>> NICE.

SO, YOU GUYS MADE THE OPENING
THEME FOR "SEVERANCE,"

ONE OF
THE MOST ICONIC TITLE SONGS OF
THE DECADE.

LET'S HEAR A LITTLE BIT.

>> HAUNTING STUFF.

I WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO TELL US,
WHERE DID IT START?

>> WELL, WE HAD SOME
CONVERSATIONS ABOUT STORY

AND
THE DARK TONE OF THE SHOW.

WE TOOK THAT AND WE MADE A FIRST
DRAFT.

>> WELL, WE WOULD LOVE TO HEAR
THAT FIRST DRAFT.

COULD YOU PLAY IT FOR US?
>> CERTAINLY.

# LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A THING
CALLED SEVERANCE #

>> TAKE A BIG KNIFE AND CUT YOUR
BRAIN IN HALF #

- ONE HALF FOR WORK,
- ONE HALF FOR SEX,

TUNE IN, SIT DOWN,

IT'S SEVERANCE #

>> ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

>> YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PUT THIS
RESPECTFULLY.

SO, I GUESS I WON'T TRY.
WHY DID YOU MAKE THAT?

>> THESE DAYS EVERY OPENING SONG
IS A CREEPY, MOODY INSTRUMENTAL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO TELLING PEOPLE
THE PLOT OF THE SHOW?

>> WHAT IS THE SHOW?
WHERE IS THE SHOW?

SHE WAS WORKING AT A BRIDAL SHOP
IN FLUSHING QUEENS.

AND BOOM.
I'M TRANSPORTED TO THE NANNY.

>> BUT THAT'S NOT THE PLOT OF
SEVERANCE.

THEY DON'T TAKE A BIG KNIFE AND
CHOP YOUR BRAIN IN HALF.

>> ALSO YOU SAID ONE HALF FOR
WORK.
ONE HALF FOR SEX.

THAT'S NOT WHAT SEVERANCE IS.

>> PERMISSION TO USE CORPORAL
PUNISHMENT ON HER?

>> UNFORTUNATELY NO.

YOU GUYS ALSO DID THE OPENING
FOR "THE PITT."

TRULY HAUNTING.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THAT
PROCESS.

>> WELL, IT WAS PRETTY STRAIGHT
FORWARD.

THE PRODUCERS DESCRIBED A SHOW
ABOUT THE TRAUMA

FACED BY E.R.
WORKERS IN PITTSBURGH.

>> SO WE USED THAT AND CAME ONE
THIS.

# PITTSBURGH IS THE PLACE TO
BE #

# BRIDGES AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN
SEE #

# A BRIDGE, A BRIDGE, A BRIDGE A
BRIDGE #

# WELCOME TO "THE PITT" #

>>> ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ON
THAT?

>> DOES "THE PITT" EVEN HAVE AN
OPENING THEME.

>> UH, AFTER THEY HEARD WHAT WE
DID, NO?

>> WHY DO THESE ALL SOUND LIKE
THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELL AIR?

>> OH, TEACH, PLEASE LET ME PUT
BELT TO ASS.

>> I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE SAYING
STUFF.

>> WE ACTUALLY DID MAKE THE
FRESH PRINCE SONG.

AND HERE IS WHAT THE FIRST DRAFT
OF THAT SOUNDED LIKE.

>> WAIT.
HOLD ON.
SO THAT ONE STARTED AS A SERIOUS
INSTRUMENTAL?

>> I HAVE TO SAY, YOUR GUY'S
BEST WORK WAS THE OPENING THEME
FOR "THE GILDED AGE"

A SHOW
ABOUT NEW YORK IN THE 1880s.
LET'S HEAR A LITTLE BIT OF THAT.

>> YEAH THAT GAVE US A LITTLE
BIT OF TROUBLE.

SO WE BROUGHT IN OUR MENTOR - OTTIS

>> INDEED.
INDEED.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.

I WOULD LIKE TO SHOW SOME LOVE
AND SHOW YOU OUR FIRST DRAFT.

THE THEME SONG IS LOADING.

# IN THE YEAR 2153 #

# IN FORMATION DOMINATION #

TITANIUM

ROBOT

# THE GILDED AGE #

>> I'LL TAKE YOUR QUESTIONS NOW.

>> SO RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THE
GILDED AGE ISN'T THE YEAR 2153.

>> CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HIT THE
GIRL SITTING IN FRONT OF HIM.

>> I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING.

BUT I DO HAVE ONE MORE QUESTION.

>> IT BETTER BE GOOD.

>> MY QUESTION IS, I JUST WOULD
REALLY LOVE

TO HEAR THE
SEVERANCE SONG AGAIN.

# LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A THING
CALLED SEVERANCE #

THEY TAKE A BIG KNIFE CUT YOUR
BRAIN IN HALF.

# ONE HALF FOR WORK, ONE HALF FOR SEX,

SIT DOWN, SEVERANCE #

ROLE

SETH MEYERS.
CHARLIE XCS.

LIFE

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY PARENTS.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I LOVE YOU ALL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME
BACK AGAIN.
IT'S ALWAYS A DREAM OF A LIFE
TIME TO BE HERE.

THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT!

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