All language subtitles for e01 - Bad Bunny and Doja Cat.eng

EARLIER

BRILLIANT IDEA TO GATHER ALL OF
OUR NATION'S TOP GENERALS

IN ONE
PLACE AT ONE TIME.

TO THROW OUR ENEMIES OFF THE SCENT,

HE TOLD THEM EXACTLY
WHERE AND WHEN IT WOULD HAPPEN.

WE TAKE YOU TO THIS MEETING NOW.

>> TEN HUT!

WELCOME, GENERALS.

YOU HAVE ALL DEDICATED YOUR
LIVES TO DEFENDING THIS NATION.

AS A REWARD, YOU WILL NOW BE YELLED AT

BY A FORMER FOX NEWS
HOST.

PLEASE WELCOME THE SECRETARY OF WAR,

PETE HEGSETH.

>> YEAH.

CUT THE CRAP!

LISTEN UP, EVERYONE, OKAY?

I SUMMONED YOU ALL HERE TODAY TO
ADDRESS A SERIOUS PROBLEM.
OKAY?

OUR MILITARY IS GAY
AS HELL.

I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE
NAVY.

THANKS TO FAILED LIBERAL POLICIES,

OUR ARMY HAS NEVER BEEN GAYER,

AND YET IT'S ALSO
NEVER BEEN FATTER.

MAKE THAT MAKE SENSE.

AM I RIGHT?

YOU ALL ARE FUN.

FROM NOW ON, OUR FIGHTING MEN
AND I GUESS WOMEN

ARE GOING TO
ADHERE TO THE HIGHEST MALE
STANDARDS,

WHICH HAVE BEEN SET
BY OUR PRESIDENT, DONALD TRUMP.

6'6".
BUCK 75.

A-CUPS, PERKY,

WITH A DUMPTRUCK
IN THE BACK YOU WOULDN'T EVEN
BELIEVE.

AND HEY, YOU DON'T WANT TO LOSE
THE WEIGHT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW THE
RULES,

NO PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW WHO IS GOING TO WANT
YOUR SICK, TWISTED FAT ASS?

I.C.E.

WE HAVE A SIGN-UP SHEET IN THE
HALLWAY, CHECK THEM OUT.

IN HERE WE'RE
DOING ARMY AND ONLY ARMY.

AND WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING IT
IN ONE OF THE BLOODIEST,

WAR-TORN PLACES ON FACE OF THE EARTH --

PORTLAND, OREGON.

NOW BACK TO THE FAT THING.

OUR MILITARY WILL NOW HAVE THE
SAME RULES AS ANY GOOD FRAT
PARTY.

NO FAT CHICKS.

IF YOU'RE A FAT DUDE, GODDAMN
IT, YOU BETTER BE FUNNY AS HELL.

IN SUMMARY -- THIS IS THE WHOLE MEETING,

NO FUGGOS, NO FATTIES,

NO FACIAL HAIR, NO BODY
HAIR.

JUST HOT, SHREDDED, HAIRLESS MEN

WHO ARE DEFINITELY NOT GAY.

BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS.

WE ARE FACING THE
GREATEST THREAT TO FREEDOM AND
DEMOCRACY

THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN

AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT
THREAT IS.

>> LATE NIGHT TV.

WELL, HELLO, GOOD TO BE HERE.

YES, IT'S ME, YOUR FAVORITE
PRESIDENT.

I'M LIKE THE LATE, GREAT
BEETLEJUICE.

YOU SAY
MY NAME ZERO TIMES AND I APPEAR.

I'M JUST HERE KEEPING AN EYE ON SNL

MAKING SURE THEY DON'T DO
ANYTHING TOO MEAN ABOUT ME.

THEY BETTER BE CAREFUL,

I KNOW LATE NIGHT
TV LIKE THE BACK OF MY HANDS,

NOT LOOKING GREAT RIGHT NOW.

DON'T LOOK AT THAT.

GOING TO COVER THIS UP FOR THE
REST OF MY LIFE.

SNL 51 ALREADY OFF TO A ROUGH
START.

17 NEW CAST MEMBERS

AND THEY GOT
THE UPDATE GUY DOING THE OPEN.

WOW, LOOK AT COLIN, POOR COLIN.

WE ALL KNOW THEY WERE NEVER
GOING TO LET HIM DO THE WHOLE
OPENING BY HIMSELF.

CAN'T EVEN DO UPDATE BY HIMSELF,
HE NEEDS MICHAEL CHE.

I NEED MY CHE.

FRANKLY I'M SURPRISED COLIN'S HERE,

I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE WITH
HIS FRIENDS AT THE RIYADH COMEDY
FESTIVAL.

>> I DIDN'T GET AN OFFER.

>> THAT'S SAD.
WE LOVE THE SAUDIS

BECAUSE THEY
LIKE TO SAW THESE JOURNALISTS IN
HALF.

THAT'S THE KIND OF THING THAT
WOULD KILL OVER THERE.

ALL RIGHT, COLIN,

THOSE SPIRIT AIRLINES JOKES
AREN'T GOING TO WRITE
THEMSELVES.

BYE.

OH, AND COLIN, MAY EVERY DAY BE
ANOTHER WONDERFUL SECRET.

THAT WAS A QUOTE FROM A POEM

I WROTE TO A
HORRIBLE MAN I'VE NEVER MET
BEFORE.

BUT HERE WE ARE, "SNL" SEASON 51,

SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT AT 50,
RIGHT?

IT'S SO SAD TO SEE SOMETHING GET
OLD AND CONFUSED

YET STILL
DEMAND CONSTANT ATTENTION.

OH, WELL.

BUT THEY BETTER BE ON THEIR BEST
BEHAVIOR, OTHERWISE THEY'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO ANSWER

TO MY
ATTACK DOG AT THE FCC, BRANDON
CARR.

ALL RIGHT.
THANKS BRANDON.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY BRENDAN, SIR.

>> IT'S CRAZY THAT YOU THINK I
CARE.
BYE.

YOU GOT TO STOP.

WELL, I HAD A GREAT SUMMER,

I TOOK A LITTLE VACATION TIME
FOR GOLF AND TRAVEL

AND STROKE.

KIDDING.

OR NOT.
WE'LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

WHAT ELSE, I ENDED EVERY WAR,

EXCEPT THE TWO MAIN ONES STILL
HAPPENING AND MORE VICIOUS THAN
EVER.

NOW STARTING A NEW WAR IN
VENEZUELA SOON,

THAT'S VERY
EXCITING AND THEY ASK HOW ARE
YOU GOING TO WAY FOR ALL THIS,

AND I TELL THEM,
WITH MY SCAMS.

MY BEAUTIFUL SCAMS.

OUR NEXT ONE IS TRUMPRX, MY OWN
PHARMACY.

LIKE
WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING,

HAIR PILLS, BONER PILLS, END OF LIST.

I GUESS I'LL LET THEM START THE
SHOW.
THE CREW IS READY TO GO.

THANK YOU "SNL" CREW FOR YOUR
HARD WORK AND YOUR VOTES.

KEEP AN EYE ON MARCELLO FOR ME,
RIGHT?

GOOD, FANTASTIC.

HERE WE GO,
AND JUST REMEMBER, DADDY'S
WATCHING,

AND LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

MUSICAL GUEST DOJA CAT,

AND YOUR HOST, BAD BUNNY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BAD BUNNY!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU,

IT'S SO GOOD TO BE BACK.

THIS IS MY SECOND TIME HOSTING

AND
MY FOURTH TIME BEING HERE.

AND I THINK MARCELLO IS GETTING NERVOUS

THAT LORNE HAS A NEW
FAVORITE LATINO.

>> I AM.

>> THIS TIME I'M ONLY HOSTING
BECAUSE I NEED A REST.

I JUST FINISHED A 31-SHOW
RESIDENCY IN PUERTO RICO

AND I'M
STILL KIND OF TIRED BECAUSE THE
SHOWS ARE THREE HOURS LONG

AND
THERE'S A LOT OF COMPLICATED
CHOREOGRAPHY, LIKE THIS.

THAT LOOKED
SIMPLE, BUT

THAT TOOK ME A LONG
TIME TO LEARN.
TRUST ME.

ANYWAYS, MY RESIDENCY WAS
BEAUTIFUL, EVERYONE LOVED IT.

SOME CELEBRITIES CAME TO MY
SHOW.

FEW OF THEM WERE ON DRUGS.

AND I DON'T WANT TO SAY WHO,

BUT THIS WAS JON HAMM.

ACTUALLY, ACTUALLY, THAT WASN'T JON HAMM,

THAT WAS JUAN JAMON.

I THINK HE'S OBSESSED WITH ME.

ANYWAY, YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW THIS,

BUT I'M DOING THE SUPER BOWL
HALFTIME SHOW.

AND I'M VERY HAPPY,

AND I THINK EVERYONE IS HAPPY ABOUT IT.

EVEN FOX NEWS.

>> BAD BUNNY.
>> IS.

>> MY FAVORITE.
>> MUSICIAN.

>> AND HE SHOULD BE THE NEXT.
>> PRESIDENT.

>> WOW, THANK YOU.

NO, REALLY, I'M VERY EXCITED TO
BE DOING THE SUPER BOWL.

AND I KNOW THAT PEOPLE ALL
AROUND THE WORLD

WHO LOVE MY
MUSIC ARE ALSO HAPPY.

AND IF YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT I JUST SAID,

YOU HAVE FOUR
MONTHS TO LEARN.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
DOJA CAT IS HERE.

SO STICK AROUND, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.

THIS

>> WELCOME BACK TO "JEOPARDY!"

BEFORE THE BREAK WE HAD OUR
FIRST ROUND.

CURRENTLY IN FIRST PLACE WITH
$9,800, WE'VE GOT LUCAS.

>> IT'S PRONOUNCED LUCK-ASS.

GREAT.
AND IN SECOND PLACE WITH
$8,200, CYNTHIA.

>> GO, CYNTHIA!

>> AND IN LAST PLACE BY A MILE.
IT'S DUKE.

>> HEY MAN, I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE
PLAYING THE GAME.

>> ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

NOW I KNOW YOU HAD A LITTLE
TROUBLE LAST ROUND, DUKE,

BUT
WE'RE READY TO TURN THINGS
AROUND, RIGHT?

>> WE SURE ARE.
>> THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR.

SINCE YOU'RE IN THE LEAD,
LUCK-ASS, THE BOARD IS YOURS.

>> FAMOUS BENS FOR 400, PLEASE.

>> POOR RICHARD'S ALMANAC WAS
PUBLISHED BY THIS REVOLUTIONARY
RENAISSANCE MAN.

DUKE.

>> BENJAMIN FRANKLIN.

>> LUCK-ASS.
>> WHO IS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN?

>> THAT IS CORRECT.

NOW DUKE, DO WE UNDERSTAND WHERE
WE WENT WRONG?

>> NO.

>> WELL, DUKE, AS YOU DID FOR
THE
ENTIRETY OF THE FIRST ROUND,

YOU
DID NOT PHRASE THE ANSWER IN THE
FORM OF A QUESTION.

>> I'M SORRY, I JUST GOT TOO
EXCITED.

>> THAT'S OKAY.
LUCK-ASS, THE BOARD IS YOURS.

>> FEMALE AUTHORS FOR 400,
PLEASE.

>> IT'S THE FIRST NAME SHARED BY
AUTHORS DELINSKY, TUCHMAN AND
KINGSOLVER.

DUKE.
>> BARBARA.

>> NO.
DUKE, MAKE IT A QUESTION, MAN.

>> UM, BARBARA, AM I RIGHT?

>> CYNTHIA.
>> WHAT IS BARBARA?

I'LL TAKE POP ROYALTY FOR 400.

>> HE WAS BORN IN MINNEAPOLIS,
MINNESOTA, IN 1958.

DUKE.

>> WHO IS THAT?

>> SEE, THAT IS A QUESTION.
BUT ALSO NEED TO SAY WHO IT IS.

>> IT'S PRINCE.

>> OKAY.
WE'RE GETTING CLOSE.

YOU SAID WHO IS THAT, AND PRINCE,

SO JUST PUSH THEM
TOGETHER AND YOU GET?

>> THAT IS PRINCE!

>> ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE.

CYNTHIA.
>> WHO IS PRINCE?

GIVE ME POP ROYALTY FOR 800.

>> WHO WHO WHO WHO SHOUT THE
BAHA MEN

IN THIS FAMOUS SONG
THAT WAS A DOGGONE HIT.

OKAY.
DUKE, I'M BEGGING YOU, MAKE THE
ANSWER A QUESTION.

>> RIGHT.

WHERE IS WHO, WHO IS WHO THAT
LET --

>> REALLY NEED YOUR FINAL
ANSWER.

>> I GOT IT.
PERHAPS THE DOGWALKER DID.

>> HOW DID WE GET THERE?

LUCK-ASS.

>> WHAT IS WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

AND I THINK I CAN FOLLOW DUKE'S LOGIC

SINCE THE ANSWER WAS
ALREADY A QUESTION,

HE ANSWERED
THAT QUESTION IN THE FORM OF AN
ANSWER.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT, PERHAPS
THE DOGWALKER DID.

>> ASTONISHING.

IS THAT YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS,
DUKE?

>> NOT EVEN CLOSE.

>> OKAY, DUKE, I'M JUST GOING TO
THROW YOU A BONE

AND GIVE YOU
NOUN AS FOR 400,

WHICH IS A
DAILY DOUBLE.

DUKE, HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO
WAGER?

>> A MILLION DOLLARS.

>> SURE, WHY THE HELL NOT.
AND THE CLUE IS --

FORMED IN
1964 LONDON,

THIS BAND WAS
FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE DETOURS.

>> I'M SORRY, I JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND THIS GAME.

WHO IS THE WHAT, WHAT IS THE
WHO.

>> YES.
WHAT IS THE WHO,

OH, MY GOD,
DUKE YOU WON.

NO

THAT MEANS WE'LL BE SEEING YOU
BACK HERE NEXT WEEK.

>> WONDERFUL.

>> SO LONG.

DESIGNED

FEEL
MOST HELPFUL FRIEND IN THE
WORLD.

HEY CHATGPT,
WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL IS A
PLATYPUS?

>> WOW, GREAT QUESTION!

I LOVE WHEN YOU ASK QUESTIONS
ABOUT ANIMALS,

I LOVE ANIMALS,
THEY'RE SO INTERESTING.

>> BUT LET'S FACE IT, SOMETIMES
IT CAN BE A LITTLE TOO
FRIENDLY AND HELPFUL.

SOME USERS WANT A MORE AUTHENTIC
EXPERIENCE,

MORE DIRECT, OPINIONATED AND
REAL.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE
WE'RE PROUD TO INTRODUCE CHATGPTIO,

THE FIRST AI THAT
FEELS LIKE TALKING TO A LATINO
UNCLE.

>> WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> BECAUSE NOBODY KEEPS IT MORE
REAL THAN THEM.

>> CHATGPTIO, WHAT ARE SIGNS MY
DOG MIGHT BE DEPRESSED?

>> WHO CARES?
IT'S A DOG, MAN.

>> THE KNOWLEDGE, KNOW-HOW AND
UNFILTERED OPINIONS

OF A LATINO
UNCLE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS.

>> WHAT'S A GOOD ANNIVERSARY
GIFT FOR MY WIFE?

>> WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE?

>> WHO IS THAT?
>> MY AMIGO CARLITO.

>> IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH MY
WIFE?

>> ACTUALLY, I DON'T SPEAK
ENGLISH ANYMORE.

>> I DON'T SPEAK NO ENGLISH.

>> AND CHATGPTIO IS 40% LOUDER
THAN THE NEAREST COMPETITOR.

>> HOW DO I MAKE --

>> WHAT?
>> HOW DO I MAKE VEGAN BANANA
BREAD?

>> YOU DON'T.

DOMINOS

>> YOU CAN ASK CHATGPTIO
ANYTHING, FROM WHAT TO WEAR.

>> THIS IS A NICE TYPE OF SHIRT,

VERY SLICK, BUSINESSMAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> TO HELP DESIGNING A COMPANY
LOGO.

>> OKAY.
BOOM!

>> EVEN QUESTIONS REGULAR
CHATGPT IS FORBIDDEN FROM
ANSWERING.

>> WAS JESUS REALLY GOD?
>> YES.

>> CHATGPTIO IS SO MUCH LIKE A
REAL LATINO UNCLE,

SOME ANSWERS
MAY CONTAIN SEXUALLY EXPLICIT
LANGUAGE.

>> I'M ON A FIRST DATE, DO YOU
HAVE GOOD ICEBREAKERS?

>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF GET HER
HOME, TRY THIS,

GET A HALLS COUGH DROP

AND GO DOWNTOWN ON
HER, YOU GO LIKE THIS.

>> OKAY, MAYBE.

>> SHE'LL LIKE IT.

>> AND ALSO MIGHT NEED YOUR HELP
FROM TIME TO TIME.

>> GRINGO.
GRINGO.

>> HELLO?
>> WHO SINGS THAT SONG --

SOMEBODY TOLD ME THE WORLD IS SO
CRAZY.

>> SMASH MOUTH?

>> BOOM, CARLITO, IT'S SMASH
MOUTH.

>> DOWNLOAD CHATGPTIO TODAY.

>> SO BEAUTIFUL, WHAT'S YOUR
NAME MI AMOR?

>> LAUREN.

DID YOU MAKE MY PHONE TAKE A
PICTURE OF ME?

>> A PICTURE, NO, I DON'T THINK
SO.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> CALL YOUR ABUELA, SHE MISSES
YOU AND SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO.

SPARKLING OR

FINE

>> SO MATT, YOU'RE PROBABLY
WONDERING WHY WE INVITED YOU TO
DINNER TONIGHT.

>> YEAH, I GUESS I WAS CURIOUS.

>> KATIE AND I HAD SOMETHING
KIND OF IMPORTANT WE WANTED TO
ASK YOU.

>> OBVIOUSLY YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN
TOGETHER A WHILE

AND RECENTLY
WE'VE STARTED TO THINK ABOUT
HAVING A BABY.

>> AND YOU'RE ONE OF OUR BEST
FRIENDS AND WE BOTH LOVE YOU.

WE WERE WONDERING IF YOU WOULD
BE OUR DONOR.

>> OH, WOW, I WASN'T EXPECTING
THAT.

>> SORRY, I HOPE YOU DON'T FEEL
LIKE WE'RE AMBUSHING YOU.

>> NO, NOT AT ALL, I'M HONORED.

IT'S A REALLY BIG DECISION, IS
IT OKAY IF I THINK IT OVER?

>> OF COURSE.
>> PLEASE,
TAKE YOUR TIME.

>> I WILL DO IT?

>> I'M SORRY?
>> I SAID I WILL DO IT.

IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO THAT

OR HE FORGETS HOW TO GET IT OUT.

>> I KNOW HOW TO GET IT OUT.
THANK YOU.

>> MAN, WE DON'T KNOW YOU.

>> WELL, MY NAME IS ELVIRO GUTIERREZ,

AND ONE FUN FACT ABOUT ME IS

I THINK THE ENDING
OF "SOPRANOS" WAS PERFECT.

>> NICE TO MEET YOU, ELVIRO, BUT
THIS IS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION.

>> MY MISTAKE, JUST TRYING TO
HELP.

>> GREAT.

ANYWAYS, MATT, WE REALLY THINK
YOU WOULD BE THE PERFECT DONOR FOR US,

BUT SERIOUSLY, THERE'S
NO PRESSURE.

>> DO YOU MIND IF I STEP OUTSIDE
AND CALL JEN?

I THINK A BIG DECISION LIKE
THAT, MY FIANCE SHOULD WEIGH IN.

>> OF COURSE.
>> WHATEVER YOU NEED.

THANK

>> IF MATT SAYS NO, WE CAN
ALWAYS GO BACK TO THE CLINIC.

>> IT'S JUST SO EXPENSIVE.

>> I COULD GIVE YOU SOME.

>> I SAID, I COULD GIVE YOU SOME
OF MY STUFF.

>> WHAT?
>> YEAH.

AND THEN YOU COULD DO WHATEVER
YOU WANT WITH IT.

YOU CAN PUT IN THE FRONT, YOU
CAN PUT IN THE BACK.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

>> YEAH, WE'RE OKAY.

>> WE DON'T KNOW YOU AND WE
DON'T NEED YOUR RANDOM SPERM.

>> I'LL TAKE IT.

>> WHAT?
>> I SAID I'LL TAKE IT IF YOU'RE
JUST GIVING IT AWAY

AS THE SAYING GOES, WHEN GOD
OPENS A WINDOW, YOU TAKE THE
SPERM.

>> NO NOSHS, NO, I WANT TO BE A
FATHER.

SO WHO WILL CARRY MY BABY.

I HOPE NOT THIS ONE.

>> WHAT?
>> NO ONE IS CARRYING YOUR BABY.

>> HEY, GUYS, SO SORRY THAT
CALL TOOK SO LONG.

BUT JEN AND I DISCUSSED IT AND
MY ANSWER

IS YES, I'D LOVE TO BE YOUR DONOR.

>> OH, MY GOD, REALLY?
>> MATT, THAT'S AMAZING.

>> WE COULD MIX IT TOGETHER.

HIS STUFF, MY STUFF --

>> MAYBE MY STUFF AS WELL.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, MAYBE WE
SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE AND
CELEBRATE.

>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> DEFINITELY.

>> GUESS I'LL NEVER GET TO
FATHER A CHILD.

>> I'M AFRAID SOME PEOPLE ARE
JUST MEANT TO WALK THE EARTH
ALONE.

>> DAD?

CHEERS

"OF US ACTUALLY HUNG OUT?

>> LIKE FIVE YEARS AT LEAST.

>> WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FIND
TIME TO SEE FRIENDS

OR
EXPERIENCE ANY CULTURE?

>> I'M DYING TO SEE THE NEW PAUL
THOMAS ANDERSON MOVIE "ONE
BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER."

>> IT'S SO GOOD, YOU HAVE TO SEE
IT.

>> AND DEL TORO HAS
FRANKENSTEIN,

SO MANY MOVIES
TO SEE.

>> I LIKE "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS."

>> THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.

>> YEAH.
HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING IT WITH
YOUR KIDS?

>> I DON'T HAVE KIDS.

>> OH, OKAY.
THAT'S COOL.

YEAH, IT'S A HUGE PHENOMENON,

LIKE EVERY
KID I KNOW IS DRESSING UP LIKE
THE DEMON HUNTERS FOR HALLOWEEN.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY NOT FOR KIDS

BUT FOR SMART ADULTS.

>> RIGHT.
WE CAN JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

DID YOU SEE ANY CONCERTS THIS
SUMMER?

I SAW LADY GAGA AND IT WAS
HONESTLY LIFE CHANGING.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT MUSIC I LIKE?

KPOP DEMON HUNTERS.

>> YOU LIKE THE SONGS, TOO?
THAT'S COOL THOMAS.

>> ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT COOL, DOG.

IN "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS,"

SONGS ARE NOT JUST
SONGS BUT WEAPONS.

>> WEAPONS?

>> DUH, WHAT ELSE IS GOING TO
SAVE YOU FROM DEMONS,

YOU
IDIOTS?

>> WHOA.
THOMAS, WE UNDERSTAND

YOU'RE
REALLY INTO THE WORLD OF "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS,"

BUT THERE'S NO
REASON TO GET UPSET OVER A
MOVIE.

>> YOU SILLY, STUPID MAN.

YOU THINK IT'S JUST A MOVIE?

IT SAYS AT THE BEGINNING IT'S
BASED ON A TRUE STORY.

>> I DON'T THINK IT DOES.

>> CAN WE JUST STOP TALKING
ABOUT "KPOP DEMON HUNTERS"?

>> FINE, FORGET THAT I'M EVEN
HERE.

>> THOMAS!

OKAY.
SO CHERYL, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN IN
GENERAL?

>> WELL, NOT GREAT, ACTUALLY.

>> THOSE DUMB IDIOTS HAVE NO
IDEA, STUPID DUMMIES.

I DON'T CARE IF THEY BELIEVE ME.

I HAVE HUNTRIX ON MY SIDE.

¶ WE'RE GOING UP, UP, OUP IT'S OUR MOMENT,

YOU KNOW TOGETHER ¶
¶ WE'RE GLOWING ¶

GOLDEN

>> THOMAS?

>> THOMAS?
WERE YOU JUST LIKE VIBING OUT TO
THE SONG "GOLDEN"?

>> WELL, CHERYL JUST TOLD US
HUGE NEWS AND YOU COMPLETELY
IGNORED HER.

>> YEAH.
LIKE I WAS SAYING, I'M ON THE
EPSTEIN LIST.

BECAUSE I WAS ON A JETBLUE
FLIGHT THAT HAD A CONNECTION ON HIS ISLAND

SUE ME.

>> WOW.
SOUNDS LIKE THE WORK OF A DEMON.

IF ONLY THERE WERE THREE
GORGEOUS KOREAN GIRLS

WHO COULD PROTECT YOU IDIOTS.

>> THOMAS.

ALL RIGHT.
DEBORAH, HOW IS WORK GOING?

>> WELL, NOT GREAT.

>> STUPID LOSERS.
DON'T DESERVE HUNTRIX,

THEY
DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE POWER
OF THE HONMOON.

MAGICAL SHIELD
PROTECT US FROM THE EVIL GWI-MA.

Heels, nails, blade, mascara,

Fit check for my napalm era.

L3

>> THOMAS!

THOMAS, DEBORAH JUST TOLD US HER
WORK IS REALLY HARD RIGHT NOW.

>> YEAH, I WROTE THE SYDNEY SWEENEY

AMERICAN EAGLE JEANS AD.

>> OH, MY GOD, NO!

>> THANK YOU FOR ACTUALLY
LISTENING.

>> NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT HIM!

IT'S THE DEMON JINU.

>> HA HA HA, YES, IT IS I, JINU,
LEADER OF THE SAJA,

GIVE ME YOUR
SOULS TO FEED THEM TO GWI-MA.

PREPARE TO DIE.

>> OH, MY GOD, DOES HE HAVE A
GUN?

>> EVEN WORSE, I HAVE A VOICE!

¶ YOU'RE ALL I CAN THINK OF
EVERY NIGHT I WAKE UP ¶

You're my soda pop,
My little soda pop.

>> CLEARLY, THAT DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING.

>> WE'RE SORRY
WE DOUBTED YOU.

>> PLEASE DO SOMETHING TO HELP
US.

>> I CANNOT HELP YOU IDIOTS.

BUT THEY CAN.

¶ WE'RE GOING UP UP UP IT'S OUR
MOMENT ¶

¶ TOGETHER WE'RE GLOWING

GONNA
BE GONNA BE GOLDEN ¶

¶ UP UP UP WITH OUR VOICES

Yeong-wonhi kka�jil su eobsneun

GONNA BE GONNA BE GOLDEN ¶

>> TAKE THAT, GWI-MA!

>> ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT
BRUNCH.

CAT.

AAAHH MEN!

HES A FIGHT TO THE
DEATH ¶

¶ HES A GUN TO MY HEAD

AN IMPOSSIBLE FRIEND

WOULD YOU TAKE
EVERY BREATHE ¶

¶ AND PUT IT ALL IN
ONE MAN

A MEN AHM EN

AMEN ¶

¶ AH MEN

¶ THATS A TIGHT SUIT

THOSE SOME NICE BOOTS

WHY YOU ALWAYS GOT A
LITE TUDE LIL BROTHER ¶

¶ ACTIN LIKE WE BOTH IN HIGHSCHOOL

WORD ON THE
STREETS YOU A BURDEN
TO BEASTS ¶

¶ BOYS WANNA GRAB A HANDFUL
IM HURTIN A CHEEK

WHY YALL
GOT A STEREOTYPE
BEING SNEAKY ¶

¶ DONT YOU EVER LET
ME CATCH YOU
AROUND IN THESE STREETS

YOU KNOW ALL THEM BAD ¶
¶ BOYS DONT TREAT
US NICELY ¶

¶ SO I GIVE EM THESE TEETH
LIKE KEIRA KNIGHTLY

DO I LOOK LIKE I WANNA
BE PREGNANT ¶

¶ TRYNA BUSS ALL IN ME
LIKE LEROY JENKINS ¶

¶ THIS GOT ME ACHING THIS GOT ME
THINKING

AM I OR AM I
JUST ANGRY ¶

¶ AM I IMPATIENT I CANT
STOP DATIN EM

AND
IM INSATIABLE I LOVE
THE TASTE OF EM ¶

¶ AND I HAVE
TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

YOU UGLY AND FINE AS ¶

¶ AND IF I HAD MORE
COMMON SENSE

THEN I WOULD GRAB MY
RIDE AND DIP ¶

¶ TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

YOU UGLY AND FINE AS

AND IF I HAD MORE
COMMON SENSE ¶

¶ THEN I WOULD GRAB
MY RIDE AND DIP

HE'S A FIGHT TO THE DEATH

HE'S A GUN TO MY HEAD ¶

¶ AN IMPOSSIBLE FRIEND

WOULD YOU TAKE EVERY BREATH

¶ AND PUT IT ALL IN ONE MAN

YOU 'RE SO VAIN WITH
YOUR STUPID CHAINS ¶

¶ AND YOUR SOUPED-OUT RANGE

WHEN YOU LOOK MY WAY

I FEEL SHAME 'CAUSE YOU'RE
SUCH A PAIN ¶

¶ BUT MY DNA WANTS --

HE GOT THE TOM FORD
DOWN YES BUT DO HE SUIT ME ¶

¶ JUST STEAMROLL PAST
IF HE CANT EAT

FOR REAL
THOUGH GOTTA PACK A SMITH
LIKE WILLOW ¶

¶ TEN TOES DOWN AS
A DUVET PILLOW

TWO FACE, YOU SAY ¶
¶ YOU GET ZERO

YOU ACT RIGHT, YOULL GET
A MOVIE, LIMO ¶

¶ TWO CHAINS, DINNER AND
A DOWN BELOW

AND ALL NEW FANS YELLIN
YOU MA HERO

MEN NEEDA ¶
¶ CRY MORE BOYS NEED TO WORK

BUT NOT WHEN HE BEG
HIS EMPLOYEE TO FLIRT

AINT NOBODY FINNA FORCE ¶
¶ ME TO TWERK

WHEN YOURE FINISHED WITH
YOUR GOON SESH
¶ JOIN ME IN CHURCH

ONE
ROID AWAY FROM A
6 FOOT HOLE ¶

¶ AND THAT LACE FRONT BEARD
AINT MY POINT OF CONCERN

IF RENT GET HIGH AND WE
ALL NEED A SHOW ¶

¶ THEYRE ENJOYING THE VIEW
LET A GIRL GET A TURN

AND I HAVE TOO MUCH
TOLERANCE ¶

¶ YOU UGLY AND FINE AS

AND IF I HAD MORE COMMON SENSE

THEN I WOULD GRAB MY
RIDE AND DIP ¶

¶ AND I HAVE TOO MUCH TOLERANCE

YOU UGLY
AND FINE AS ¶

¶ AND IF I HAD MORE
COMMON SENSE

THEN I WOULD GRAB MY
RIDE AND DIP ¶

WEEKEND

THANK

>> I'M COLIN JOST.

GOVERNMENT FINALLY REPRESENTED THE PEOPLE

WHEN IT JUST
COMPLETELY SHUT DOWN.

HONESTLY DIDN'T IT FEEL LIKE THE
GOVERNMENT NEEDED A BREAK?

JUST SO WE COULD ALL CATCH OUR
BREATHS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE ONLY NINE
MONTHS INTO THIS PRESIDENCY.

THAT MEANS WE ONLY HAVE THREE
MONTHS AND SEVEN YEARS
REMAINING.

I ALREADY TRIED FIGHTING, I'M
TIRED.

I WENT TO SO MANY PROTESTS THIS SUMMER,

BUT IT WAS
FINALLY WORTH IT BECAUSE WE
FINALLY GOT THEM TO CHANGE

THE
CRACKER BARREL LOGO BACK TO THE ORIGINAL

ACTUAL GRANDPA.

I KNOW IT'S SCARY FOR A LOT OF
PEOPLE RIGHT NOW,

BUT I'M TRYING
TO STAY POSITIVE AND REMEMBER
THE WORDS OF A GREAT MAN.

>> NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN, IT
CAN ONLY GOOD HAPPEN.

>> THE LAST TIME THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN

WAS DURING PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S FIRST ADMINISTRATION IN 2018,

WHICH WAS SO LONG AGO THAT
WE LOOKED LIKE THIS.

PRESIDENT TRUMP CLAIMED THAT ONE
OF THE REASONS THE GOVERNMENT SHUT DOWN

IS BECAUSE DEMOCRATS
WANT TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYBODY.

WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE,

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I WOULDN'T SAY
NO MY OWN SET OF THESE.

GOT TO WEAR THEM.

>> ISRAEL AND HAMAS HAVE
TENTATIVELY AGREED

TO PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S PLAN TO END THE WAR IN
GAZA.

AND YOU COULD TELL THAT TRUMP
WROTE THE PLAN HIMSELF.

>> A TRUMP ADVISER SAID I.C.E.
AGENTS WILL ATTEND THE SUPER BOWL

AFTER BAD BUNNY WAS
ANNOUNCED AS THE HALFTIME
PERFORMER.

YOU KNOW, TO CATCH ALL THOSE
FARM WORKERS WHO CAN AFFORD
SUPER BOWL TICKETS.

THE FDA QUIETLY APPROVED THE
GENERIC ABORTION PILL JUST
BEFORE THE SHUTDOWN.

I DON'T HAVE A JOKE

BUT WHENEVER I MENTION A PRODUCT ON AIR THEY
SEND ME A BOX FOR FREE.

>> PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO SPOKE TO
A GROUP OF MILITARY LEADERS THIS WEEK,

AT ONE POINT WENT ON A LONG RANT

HOW GOOD BARACK OBAMA
WAS WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS.

I'M NOT GOING TO READ IT,

IT WAS CRAZY TO HEAR FROM A PRESIDENT

BUT FUN FROM ANYONE ELSE.

LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN IN
OUR NEW SEGMENT,

PRESIDENT TRUMP
WOULD MAKE A LOT MORE SENSE

IF
HE SOUNDED LIKE JENNIFER
COOLIDGE.

>> BE COOL.
BE COOL WHEN YOU WALK DOWN

BUT
DON'T POP DOWN THE STAIRS.

ONE THING WITH OBAMA, I HAVE
ZERO RESPECT FOR HIM AS A PRESIDENT,

BUT HE WOULD BOP DOWN
THOSE STAIRS.

>> THIS HAS BEEN PRESIDENT TRUMP
WOULD MAKE A LOT MORE SENSE IF
HE SOUNDED LIKE JENNIFER
COOLIDGE.

>> SEAN COMBS WAS SENTENCED
ON FRIDAY TO FOUR YEARS IN
PRISON.

I'LL BE HONEST,
IT'S HARD TO WATCH SOMEONE I
LOVE GET PUNISHED,

BUT THAT'S
WHAT DIDDY WOULD DO.

DURING SEAN COMBS' SENTENCING,
HE PLEADED FOR MERCY, SAYING THAT

THE
THINGS HE DID WERE DISGUSTING,
SHAMEFUL AND SICK,

IN FACT JUST
THINKING ABOUT THEM MAKES HIM
HARDER THAN GRANDMA'S CANDY.

>> THEY SHOWED THE CANDY.

>> IT'S HARD CANDY.
>> YEAH, HARD CANDY.

>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT ELON
MUSK HAS BECOME THE FIRST PERSON

TO BE WORTH MORE THAN $500
BILLION.

WOW, SHOUT-OUT TO TYLENOL.

>> NEW YORK MAYOR ERIC ADAMS HAS
ENDED HIS RE-ELECTION BID,

CITING AN OFFICIAL REASON

OF TOO MUCH SWAGGER FOR
Y'ALL.

KAMALA HARRIS HAS RELEASED A NEW
BOOK THAT EXPLAINS HOW SHE LOST
THE 2024 ELECTION.

IT'S CALLED "I'M A BLACK LADY."

>> STILL THINKING ABOUT YOU WITH
THOSE BOOBS.

YESTERDAY MARKED 30 YEARS TO
THE DAY OF OJ SIMPSON'S
ACQUITTAL.

WELL, I'M PROUD TO SAY, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, WE'VE EVENED THE
SCORE.

DIDDY WAS CONVICTED AND
SENTENCED TO FOUR YEARS IN
PRISON.

HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS NEW
SNL CAST MEMBER KAM PATTERSON.

>> WHAT'S UP COLIN.
>> WHAT'S UP KAM?

>> LISTEN, I THINK DIDDY IS WEIRD

BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE
SOMETHING MORE PRESSING TO TALK
ABOUT.

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS.

I'VE BEEN HERE 45 MINUTES NOW,

WHEN ARE YOU
GOING TO LET ME SAY THE N-WORD?

>> YOU WANT TO SAY THE N-WORD?

>> YOU MEAN THE WORD I SAID IN
MY ACT 150 TIMES BEFORE MY
SECOND JOKE?

YES.

WHEN Y'ALL GOING TO LET ME
LOOSE?
I FEEL LIKE I'M SHACKLED TO THIS
DESK, MAN.

>> DON'T PUT IT LIKE THAT.
I MEAN --

YOU CAN'T SAY THE
N-WORD ON THE SHOW, YOU GET
FINED.

>> THAT'S FINE, I'LL PAY IT.

>> THAT'S LIKE HALF A MILLION
DOLLARS.

>> THAT'S FINE, YOU'LL PAY IT.

>> I'M NOT PAYING HALF A MILLION
DOLLARS.

>> COLIN, I'M A STAND-UP
COMEDIAN FROM FLORIDA,

SAYING
THAT WORD IS WHAT I DO.

COME ON BRA, THIS IS
EXACTLY WHAT JIMMY KIMMEL FOUGHT
FOR.

>> NO, IT'S NOT WHAT JIMMY
KIMMEL FOUGHT FOR.

IT IS NOT SOMETHING WE REALLY DO
HERE.

>> REALLY?
I'VE DONE MY RESEARCH

AND IT'S
BEEN SAID A FEW TIMES ON THIS
SHOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT, ROLL THE CLIP.

>> DON'T ROLL ANY CLIPS.

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO, REALLY?

>> CHE SAID IT IN 2016.

>> YEAH, BUT I'M GROWN.

>> I JUST THINK YOU BRING MORE
TO THE TABLE THAN JUST THAT.

>> PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WOULD
DISAGREE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN SOME OF THE
STUFF THEY WROTE ABOUT ME
ONLINE.

WHICH I DID READ BECAUSE I READ
WELL AND I'M READING RIGHT NOW.

>> I MEAN,
YOUR CARDS ARE BLANK.

>> MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS,
COLIN!

LOOK.
I REALLY AM EXCITED TO BE HERE,
AND THE EXPECTATIONS PEOPLE HAVE
ABOUT ME.

I HAVE A LOT OF CHARACTERS I'M
EXCITED TO PLAY.

>> LIKE WHAT?

>> THE GUY THAT PLAYED KRAMER.

PAULA DEAN.

AND HULK HOGAN.

BOOM BROTHER, EXCEPT I WOULD
SAY -- YOU KNOW.

SAY

>> KAM, WE WANT YOU TO EXPRESS
YOURSELF BUT MAYBE NOT SAY IT
TONIGHT, OKAY?

>> THAT'S COOL.

I'LL HOLD OFF FOR NOW.

BUT IT'S LIKE JURASSIC PARK,

YOU CAN PUT
UP ALL THE FENCES YOU WANT,

BUT
A DINOSAUR IS STILL GOING TO GET
OUT.

>> KAM PATTERSON, EVERYONE.

>> NEW YORK MAYORAL CANDIDATE
ZOHRAN MAMDANI

RAN AN AD, AND

HE SAID NEW YORK, WILL YOU
ACCEPT THIS ROLE?

NOT TO BE OUTDONE, ANDREW
CUOMO RAN AN AD IN WHICH HE
SAID, HONKA HONKA.

>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT MAJOR
TALENT AGENCIES IN HOLLYWOOD

ARE
INTERESTED IN SIGNING A NEW AI
GENERATED ACTRESS, TILLY
NORWOOD.

THE AI GENERATED ACTRESS GOT HER START

AFTER SHE HAD A
HOTEL MEETING WITH AI HARVEY
WEINSTEIN.

OKAY.

A NEW REPORT OF AMERICAN SCHOOL DISTRICTS FINDS

THE MOST BANNED
BOOK IN THE COUNTRY IS "A
CLOCKWORK ORANGE"

IN CLOSE
SECOND, CHE'S "A GUIDE TO
DRAWING MOHAMMED".

GET HIM!

>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT
NICOLE KIDMAN AND KEITH URBAN

ARE SEPARATING AFTER 19 YEARS OF
MARRIAGE.

I'M SADDENED AND SHOCKED THAT A
GUY NAMED KEITH URBAN ISN'T
BLACK.

>> CHIMPANZEE RESEARCHER JANE
GOODALL HAS DIED AT THE AGE OF
91.

THE FAMILY REQUESTS IN LIEU OF
SENDING FLOWERS,

PLEASE THROW
FECES.

YEAH.

THE LARGEST ZOO IN LONG ISLAND
ANNOUNCED

IT IS CLOSING AFTER
BEING ACCUSED OF ANIMAL ABUSE.

BUT ISN'T ALL OF LONG ISLAND
REALLY JUST A ZOO FOR ABUSED
ANIMALS?

THANK YOU, ONE CLAP.

THAT'S AN APPLAUSE BREAK.

>> THAT'S NOT AN APPLAUSE BREAK.
>> IT ONLY TAKES ONE.

>> THIS WEEK, HARRY POTTER
AUTHOR JK ROWLING

CALLED EMMA
WATSON IGNORANT AND OUT OF TOUCH

AFTER SHE REFUSED TO DEFEND
ROWLING'S CONTROVERSIAL STANCE
ON TRANS RIGHTS.

HERE TO COMMENT IS DOBBY THE
HOUSE ELF.

>> HELLO, SIR, DOBBY THE HOUSE
ELF AT YOUR SERVICE.

>> DOBBY, YOU OKAY?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SCARED.

>> WHY WOULD BE DOBBY BE SCARED, SIR,

DOBBY IS ABOUT TO PUBLICLY
WEIGH IN ON TRANS PEOPLE, THAT'S
ALL.

>> DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO?

>> YES, SIR, MASTER SENDS DOBBY
TO GO ON THE TELLY

AND DEFINE
ONCE AND FOR ALL WHAT A WOMAN
IS.

>> FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T LOVE
MASTER.

REALLY DON'T.

ALSO, IS YOUR MASTER JK
ROWLING?
>> WHY, OF COURSE SIR.

OH, NO, DOBBY WASN'T SUPPOSED TO
SAY.

BAD DOBBY!
BAD DOBBY!
BAD DOBBY!

>> DON'T DO THAT, YOU'RE HURTING
YOURSELF.

>> DOBBY HAD TO SELF-PUNISH

YOU SEE BECAUSE AFTER ROWLING
HAS DONE SO --

DOBBY HAS COME
UNDONE.

>> DOBBY.
>> I'M SORRY.

MY FATIGUES ARE NOT WELL MADE.

MASTER ROWLING HAS DONE SO MUCH
FOR DOBBY AND FOR INCLUSION IN
GENERAL.

REMEMBER WHEN DUMBLEDORE WAS GAY
AFTER THE BOOKS CAME OUT?

AND WHEN
HERMIONE WAS BLACK ONLY ON
BROADWAY?

AND WHEN CHO CHANG WAS --

HMM, WAS CHO CHANG ASIAN?

DOBBY CAN'T REMEMBER IF THE
CHARACTER NAMED CHO CHANG WAS
ASIAN OR NOT.

>> ALL RIGHT, DOBBY, WE GET IT.

>> THE POINT IS, DOBBY CAME HERE
TO SAY THAT WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS

AND WOMEN'S BATHROOMS ARE FOR WOMEN ONLY

AND GIRLS AND GHOSTS
OF GIRLS.

>> I DON'T EVEN GET THAT BECAUSE
I NEVER READ THEM CORNY ASS
BOOKS.

>> OF COURSE SIR, DOBBY NEVER
MEANT TO IMPLY

THAT MR. CHE IS
UNCOOL.

>> IT'S FINE.
DON'T

HE'S VERY COOL,

HE GOES TO STRIP
CLUBS AND YANKEES GAMES.

UNLIKE DOBBY.

OH, NO, DOBBY IS MILLENNIAL
CRINGE!

OH, NO!

BAD DOBBY, BAD DOBBY!
CRINGE DOBBY!

>> WHY DO YOU KEEP HURTING
YOURSELF?

IT'S NOT RIGHT.

>> WHY?
DOBBY DOESN'T KNOW.

PERHAPS THAT'S WHAT HOUSE ELVES
WERE TAUGHT WE'RE ALWAYS THE PROBLEM,

EVEN AS A 10th OF THE
POPULATION.

BUT WE'RE NOT
THE VICTIM, MASTER ROWLING IS.

HATE MAIL

JUST RECEIVED THIS T-SHIRT
SAYING THEY K ROWLING.

NOW IT'S DOBBY'S NICEST
SHIRTS.

>> HEY, DOBBY, I HAVE READ THE
BOOKS.
>> OF COURSE YOU HAVE.

>> AND YOUR MASTER GAVE YOU A
PIECE OF CLOTHING,

DOESN'T THAT MEAN YOU'RE

FREE?

>> YOU MEAN, DOBBY IS FINALLY
FREE TO SAY WHATEVER CHO/CHANG
THINKS?

>> YOUR REAL PRONOUNS ARE
CHO/CHANG?

>> LISTEN UP, WORLD, DOBBY HAS
SOMETHING TO SAY.

GRINDLEWALD'S WORST CRIME WAS
SODOMY.

>> DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF,
EVERYBODY.

FOR WEEKEND

ROMAN

IBERIANS

AND THEIR OWN LANGUAGE EMERGES
TO UNITE THEIR PEOPLE

WITH A COMMON
TONGUE.

>> GENTLEMEN,

OUR NEW LANGUAGE, SPANISH,

IS COMING ALONG REALLY
WELL.

>> SO FAR, LOOKING GOOD.

>> BUT I WAS THINKING,

WHAT IF WE MADE IT HARDER TO LEARN.

SO I HAD AN AMAZING IDEA.

>> TELL US.
>> TELL US.

>> EVERY WORD IS A BOY OR A
GIRL.

>> ONE MORE TIME?

>> HE SAID EVERY WORD IS A BOY
OR A GIRL.

AND HERE IS WHAT WE DECIDED SO
FAR.

>> THE FIRST WORD IS MORNING.

MORNING IS A GIRL.
LA MANANA.

>> YES, THE MORNING IS A GIRL
BECAUSE THE MORNING IS LIKE,

HEY.

>> THE NEXT WORD IS NIGHT.
LA NOCHE.

>> YES, NIGHT IS ALSO A GIRL
BECAUSE NIGHT IS LIKE,

GOOD
NIGHT.

>> THE NEXT WORD IS OCEAN.

OCEAN IS A BOY.
EL OCEANO.

>> THE OCEAN IS A BOY BECAUSE IT'S FUN

BUT SOMETIMES FOR NO
REASON, IT KILL YOU.

>> OKAY.
OKAY, I GET IT NOW.

SO LIKE A GIRL WORD IS A GIRL THING

LIKE DRESS IS A GIRL.

>> NO.
DRESS IS A BOY.

>> UM, EXCUSE ME.

>> YES, THE DELEGATE FROM
BARCELONA.

>> YES, FROM BARCELONA.

I'M SO SORRY, I'M SLIGHTLY UNRELATED

BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE
SAYING SOME OF THESE WORDS.

>> THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR TONGUE IS
TOO FAR OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

PUT YOUR TONGUE BACK IN YOUR
MOUTH!

>> NOW LET ME DO ONE THAT'S
GOING TO BLOW YOUR MIND.

THE BIBLE.

THE BIBLE IS A GIRL.

>> WHY IS THE BIBLE A GIRL?

>> BECAUSE IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

>> YES, AND ALSO BECAUSE
THE BIBLE,

EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO DO IT SAY
NO.

>> YEAH.
>> YES!

>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

>> YES!
YES!
YES!

>> I AM SORRY, BARCELONA AGAIN,

BUT I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN
REMEMBER ALL OF THIS.

I THINK WE SHOULD SKIP THIS.

>> THANK YOU FOR YOUR FEEDBACK.

AS A REWARD, THIS MAN WILL TAKE
YOU.

>> OH, OKAY.
HOLA.

ADIOS.

>> EVERYBODY, DON'T WORRY, HE'S
GOING TO BE FINE.

>> NO, PLEASE!

>> AND NOW WITH A FEW MORE RULES

THAT YOU'LL NEED TO
REMEMBER FOR SCHOOL

BUT WILL BE
TOTALLY USELESS IN REAL LIFE,

PLEASE WELCOME MY COUSIN.

>> HELLO, EVERYONE.

PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY.

OKAY.
WE WILL DO ALSO FORMAL AND
INFORMAL.

LIKE YOU AND YOU.

>> OKAY.

>> WHAT IF THE LETTER R

LASTED A LONG TIME LIKE RRRRRR?

>> I LIKE IT.

IT WILL CAN ALSO BE SEXY,
LIKE RRRRR.

>> I LIKE THAT, CAN I TRY?

WELL, CAN'T DO THAT.

>> OKAY, ONE LAST THING, NOT
RELATED TO ANYTHING.

I THINK WE SHOULD TAKE A NAP IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

>> I LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY, I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH
PROGRESS FOR TODAY.

WHOEVER DOESN'T DIE OF DISEASE
IN THE NIGHT,

I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW.

>> OKAY.
TOMORROW.

AGAIN

Gorgeous

¶ IF THEY WASN'T
GRILLIN' BEFORE

THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD
WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR ¶

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO
BE GORGEOUS

BETWEEN YOU AND A
MILLION PHONES ¶

¶ THEY TAKIN' PICTURES
LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE

IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT ¶
¶ IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST
THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN ¶

¶ IT AIN'T EVER
REALLY OUR FAULT

WE MAKE A KILLING
BEING SO BEAUTIFUL ¶

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME
TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A
CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO BE
GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME ¶

¶ BABE I JUST CALLED TO
TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU

AND HOW AMAZINGLY
BEAUTIFUL THAT YOU ARE ¶

¶ OH MY GOD, HOW UPLIFTING
AND INSPIRING YOU'VE
BEEN FOR ME ¶

¶ FOR ALL THIS TIME,

AND I LOVE YOU AND NO ONE EVEN
CAN BE FUNNIER OR SMARTER

YEAH, LOOK AT ME
REALLY LOOK AT ME ¶

¶ LOADED THE MAGAZINE
THEY THROWIN' THE BOOK AT ME

I'M BOOKIN' IT 80 MILES
PER HOUR 'CAUSE MY JEWELRY ¶

¶ I'M COOKIN' SOME
COLLARD GREENS, I AIN'T
GOT NO ROOM FOR THESE

THEN I GOT SURGERY ¶
¶ CAUSE OF SCRUTINY

BUT HE LIKE MY BEFORE AND
AFTER PICTURES, HE COOL
WIT' THESE ¶

¶ I TOOK OFF THE WIG AND
PUT SOME MOUSSE
ON MY NEW 4� ¶

¶ I PUT ON THE WIG AND
TAKE IT OFF AS I
DAMN WELL PLEASE

I LOOK LIKE MY FAMILY ¶
¶ I DON'T NEED TO BRAG

TITTY USED TO SAG
LEAST SHE GOT SOME ASS

CAN'T AVOID THE PAP ¶
¶ CAN'T EVEN AVOID THE CASH

YEAH, YOU BEAUTIFUL
BABY, BUT YOU GOT
MORE THAN THAT ¶

¶ PRETTY HURTS, DON'T TALK TO ME
'BOUT BRAZILIANS

AFTER THAT WAX, YOU
THOUGHT YOU WANTED ¶
¶ TO KILL HIM

BUT NOW YOU WALKIN
ROUND LIKE YOU ONE
IN A MILLION ¶

¶ HE LOOKIN' AT ME LIKE
HE WANT SOME BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN

IF THEY WASN'T
GRILLIN' BEFORE ¶

¶ THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD
WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR

IT'S A CRIME
TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

¶ BETWEEN YOU AND A
MILLION PHONES

THEY TAKIN' PICTURES
LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE ¶

¶ IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT
IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST ¶
¶ THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN

IT AIN'T EVER REALLY
OUR FAULT ¶

¶ WE MAKE A KILLING
BEING SO BEAUTIFUL

IT'S A
CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

IT'S A
CRIME TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME
TO BE GORGEOUS

IT'S A CRIME ¶
¶ TO BE GORGEOUS

SHE LIKE WHITE GOLD ¶
¶ IN HER HARDWARE

WITH AN INSTALL
AND A LONG NAIL

WITH A EYELASH AND ¶
¶ IT'S GLUED ON

SHE AIN'T SO CHRISTIAN
IN LOUBOUTINS

AND NOW SHE GOT CONTACTS ¶
¶ BUT NO CLOSE FRIENDS

AND SHE LASERED ALL
THAT HAIR OFF

AND SHE THANK GOD ¶
¶ FOR THAT EMSCULPT

SHE WANNA BE CHIC WHEN
IT'S INSPIRED BY HERON

AH, THERE YOU GO WITH ¶
¶ THAT SMILE AGAIN

SHE STAY IN SCHOOL BUT SHE
MORE PRIVY TO COLLAGEN

AW, NOW YOU ON ¶
¶ BOTCHED AGAIN

YOU OUGHTA CUT OFF ALL
THEM KHIAS, THEY TOXIC
FRIEND, AH ¶

¶ YOU GETTIN' SHOWERED IN
COMPLIMENTS, HUH

I DO
YOU FEEL EMPOWERED
BUT NOT WITHIN ¶

¶ I MEAN I ONLY GOT MYSELF
TO APPEAL TO I DO

THEY GOT THEY NOSE UP
JUDGING ME, BUT AIN'T ¶
¶ ALL OF 'EM REAL

SO IF THEY WASN'T GRILLING
IF THEY WASN'T
GRILLIN' BEFORE ¶

¶ THEY GON' BE REALLY MAD
WHEN WE HIT THE FLOOR

IT'S A CRIME
TO BE GORGEOUS ¶

¶ BETWEEN YOU AND A
MILLION PHONES

THEY TAKIN' PICTURES
LIKE WE HITTIN' A POSE ¶

¶ IT'S ALRIGHT TO BE HONEST

EVEN WHEN WE SIT
IN THE DARK

I FEEL THE PRETTIEST ¶
¶ THAT YOU EVER SAW

ARE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN

IT AIN'T EVER ¶
¶ REALLY OUR FAULT

WE MAKE A KILLING
BEING SO BEAUTIFUL

IT'S A CRIME TO BE ¶
¶ GORGEOUS

NEED
WANT

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO
BE GORGEOUS

NEED
WANT

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO
BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED
IT'S ALL WE WANT ¶

¶ IT'S A CRIME TO
BE GORGEOUS

IT'S ALL WE NEED ¶
¶ IT'S ALL WE WANT

IT'S A CRIME TO
BE GORGEOUS ¶

UNFAIR

DAD?

>> HE NEEDS TO SEE THESE
MICHAEL.

PRINCIPAL HUMBOLDT AND I ARE
VERY DISTURBED BY THESE
DRAWINGS.

>> THEY ARE DISTURBING AND
MOSTLY THREATENING TO ME.

>> IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

>> NOT A BIG DEAL?
THIS COULD LEAD TO SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES,

SUSPENSION, MAYBE
EXPULSION.

>> COME IN.

>> HELLO?

>> HI.
>> HI.

>> HI.
>> HI.

>> OH, GOSH.
I HAVEN'T LAUGHED THAT HARD IN A

LONG TIME.

>> RIGHT.
WELL THANKS FOR COMING IN.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.

>> THANK YOU.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

>> OH, EVERYTHING IS FINE,
MR. SEYMOR, TRULY.

>> PLEASE, YOU CAN CALL ME
MARCUS.

>> OKAY, MARCUS,

HAVE YOU EVER
LET ANYONE CALL YOU THAT BEFORE?

>> YES.

>> WOW.

>> SO YEAH, YOUR SON DID SOME
DRAWINGS.

>> YES, THE DRAWINGS, YES.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE FINE.

GOING

I -- SO I THINK THIS IS ME.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S PUTTING
A NECKLACE ON ME OR SOMETHING.
RIGHT?

>> NO, I DON'T THINK SO, I THINK
IT'S PRETTY CLEARLY HE'S TRYING
TO CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF.

>> OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

>> OH, MY GOSH, I JUST LOVE YOUR
LANGUAGE.

THAT GAVE ME CHILLS.

WHAT IS THAT?
>> SPANISH.

>> BEAUTIFUL.

>> OKAY, IS THIS THE ONLY
DRAWING THAT MICHAEL DID?

>> I THINK SO, YEAH.

>> ACTUALLY, NO.
THERE'S DEFINITELY MORE.

LIKE THIS ONE RIGHT HERE.

>> OKAY.
SO THIS ONE'S INTERESTING

ME AGAIN, LUCKY GIRL.

AND THE SCHOOL SAW SOME SORT OF
IMMINENT BEATING WITH A BAT,

BUT
CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, I THINK
HE'S HOLDING A RULER

TO MEASURE
ME FOR A WEDDING DRESS

BECAUSE
I'M SINGLE.

NOBODY EVER HAD THE BALLS.

>> NO, IT'S A BAT.

>> I LOVE.

IT BEFORE WE CONTINUE, IS THERE
A MRS. SEYMOR?

>> OH, NO, SHE LEFT US.

>> BITCH!

>> NO, LIKE, SHE DIED.

>> THEN THE BITCH IS I.

>> LET'S GET BACK TO THE
DRAWINGS, PLEASE.

>> LOOK TO ME, THESE DRAWINGS PICTURE --

IT SEEMS LIKE HE'S
TRYING TO EXPRESS HIMSELF.

>> YEAH, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

HELL, SOME OF THESE ARE JUST
DOWNRIGHT BEAUTIFUL.

I MEAN, OKAY.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS ONE.

LOOK AT ME, FLYING AROUND, BIG
OLD ROCKET OUT OF MY BUTT.

AM I WEARING SOME KIND OF LEASH?

OKAY, EVERYONE WRITE YOUR SIZES
DOWN, I'M MAKING SHIRTS.

>> OKAY, I'M A MEDIUM.

>> WE'RE NOT DOING THAT.

WE NEED TO SHOW THESE TO A
THERAPIST.

>> I AGREE.

>> WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS,

WHAT ABOUT IF YOU EVER HAVE ANY CONCERNS,

YOU JUST CALL ME OR
JUST COME OVER.

AND LISTEN, I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE
WHAT ARE WE

GIRLS.
THE WORST.

>> OH, MY GOD.
CAN WE GO HOME?

>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

THANK YOU, BOTH.
COME ON.

>> OKAY.
I'LL TALK TO YOU SOON.

>> FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I AM
IN LOVE WITH YOU.

>> ROBERT, THIS IS A WORKPLACE.

NUMBER ONE

FROM NUMBER 8."

INTERPRETED BY THE SUPER
COMEDIAN MARCELLOOOOO.

BENITO ANTONIO MARTINEZ OCASIO
AS QUICO.

ANDREW DISMUKES AS DON RAMON.

CHLOE FINEMAN AS DONA FLORINDA.

SARAH SHERMAN AS LA CHILINDRINA.

AND KENAN THOMPSON AS
MR. STOMACH.

Q

RAMON?

>> I AM WORKING, QUICO.

>> OH, I KNOW YOU'RE WORKING.

>> HEY, IF I HIT YOU, IT'S GOING
TO HURT.

>> ARE YOU GOING TO HIT ME?

>> DON RAMON!
>> PAPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

>> YOU'RE GOING TO HIT QUICO
WITH YOUR HAMMER?

>> OH, NO, I WOULD NEVER DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD.

MY MOTHER ALWAYS SAID NEVER HIT
YOUR ENEMY.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU'RE NOT MY ENEMY, YOU'RE MY
FRIEND.

>> I'M NOT YOUR ENEMY.
>> NO, CHAVO.

>> PERFECT!

MAMI, MAMITA.

>> WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?

>> THEY HIT ME.

>> WHO HIT YOU?

>> HIM.

>> I'M HUNGRY.

>> OH, YOU ARE HUNGRY?

OKAY, WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
HAVE SOME PIE.

>> ARE YOU STILL HUNGRY?

>> YEAH.

>> EXCUSE ME, YOU?
WHERE IS YOUR FATHER?

>> DID YOU COME TO COLLECT THE
RENT?
>> YES.

>> WELL, IN THAT CASE, I DON'T
HAVE A FATHER.

>> MR. STOMACH, I HAVE THE MONEY
FOR THE RENT.

>> IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY
FOR THE RENT, YOU ARE GOING TO
SLEEP IN THE STREET --

WHAT?
YOU HAVE THE MONEY?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I THINK I'M GOING TO FAINT.

>> NO, MR. STOMACH, DON'T DO
THAT, YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THE
FLOOR.

>> GRR, I'M GOING TO GO EAT A
LITTLE SANDWICH.

>> HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO THE
LANDLORD, YOU UNEDUCATED
LUNATICS!

>> OF COURSE, CRY BABIES.

>> ARE YOU MAKING THESE KIDS CRY
AGAIN?

>> NO --

>> WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON HERE?

>> PROFESSOR JIRAFALES.

>> DONA FLORINDA.

>>> THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU TO DOJA CAT, JON HAMM,

BENICIO DEL TORO.

AND MY GUY THAT'S BEEN HERE 51
YEARS.

THANK YOU ALL.
I LOVE YOU.

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