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1
00:00:01,633 --> 00:00:04,151
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,186 --> 00:00:06,019
This particular kind of granite
3
00:00:06,020 --> 00:00:07,254
comes from Barre, Vermont.
4
00:00:07,255 --> 00:00:08,689
Get out-Barre? Yeah.
5
00:00:08,690 --> 00:00:09,990
Yeah, you can take a tour
6
00:00:09,991 --> 00:00:11,258
of their whole
operation up there.
7
00:00:11,259 --> 00:00:13,227
Yeah?
Yeah, ask for a guy named Asa.
8
00:00:13,228 --> 00:00:15,128
Yeah?
Yeah, you can tell him I sent you.
9
00:00:15,129 --> 00:00:16,363
He'll, uh... he'll do you right.
10
00:00:16,364 --> 00:00:17,598
He'll set me up? Oh, sure.
11
00:00:17,599 --> 00:00:18,965
You see, it's got the, uh...
12
00:00:22,470 --> 00:00:23,521
Excuse me, sir?
13
00:00:23,522 --> 00:00:25,723
Hey, hey, yo. Sir.
14
00:00:25,757 --> 00:00:28,025
This man obviously
mistook the uniform
15
00:00:28,026 --> 00:00:29,693
of the United States
Postal Service
16
00:00:29,694 --> 00:00:31,462
for one of the common
valet there, Norm.
17
00:00:31,463 --> 00:00:32,796
Now that you mention it, Cliff,
18
00:00:32,797 --> 00:00:34,532
you know...
Mistake or not, though, the man
19
00:00:34,533 --> 00:00:36,234
has entrusted a
valuable possession
20
00:00:36,235 --> 00:00:38,169
to one who proudly
wears this uniform.
21
00:00:38,170 --> 00:00:40,304
As long as that man is
in that restaurant,
22
00:00:40,305 --> 00:00:42,340
I-I cannot shirk
the responsibility
23
00:00:42,374 --> 00:00:44,308
he has laid upon
these shoulders.
24
00:00:44,309 --> 00:00:45,976
What are you gonna do,
just hang here
25
00:00:45,977 --> 00:00:47,907
for a couple hours
while the guy eats?
26
00:00:48,563 --> 00:00:50,681
Norm, my friend,
this is a Jaguar.
27
00:00:50,715 --> 00:00:52,849
Jaguar plus postman equals...
28
00:00:52,884 --> 00:00:54,051
adventure.
29
00:00:54,085 --> 00:00:55,803
Let's do it.
30
00:01:10,686 --> 00:01:13,021
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
31
00:01:13,055 --> 00:01:16,241
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
32
00:01:16,275 --> 00:01:18,909
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
33
00:01:18,944 --> 00:01:22,380
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
34
00:01:22,414 --> 00:01:26,251
♪ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪
35
00:01:27,553 --> 00:01:29,871
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
36
00:01:29,905 --> 00:01:34,308
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
37
00:01:35,610 --> 00:01:40,247
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
38
00:01:40,281 --> 00:01:42,516
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
39
00:01:42,551 --> 00:01:45,085
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
40
00:01:45,119 --> 00:01:49,340
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
41
00:01:50,592 --> 00:01:52,560
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
42
00:01:52,594 --> 00:01:55,796
♪ People are all the same ♪
43
00:01:55,831 --> 00:02:00,401
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
44
00:02:18,937 --> 00:02:20,507
Hey, Cliffie, what you doing?
45
00:02:20,522 --> 00:02:22,256
I'm filling out an application
46
00:02:22,257 --> 00:02:23,457
for the Boston Marathon.
47
00:02:23,458 --> 00:02:25,192
It's, uh, something
I do every year.
48
00:02:25,193 --> 00:02:27,227
Wait a minute, you run
in the Boston Marathon?
49
00:02:27,228 --> 00:02:29,296
No, no, I just get
the free T-shirt.
50
00:02:29,330 --> 00:02:31,831
It, uh, impresses the
girls down at the gym.
51
00:02:31,866 --> 00:02:33,033
Ah.
52
00:02:33,034 --> 00:02:35,435
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
you-you work out in a gym?
53
00:02:35,436 --> 00:02:36,570
Well, no, I just hang out
54
00:02:36,571 --> 00:02:37,671
in front with the T-shirt.
55
00:02:37,672 --> 00:02:38,938
Oh.
56
00:02:38,939 --> 00:02:40,924
Hey, listen to this.
57
00:02:40,925 --> 00:02:42,259
According to the TV Guide,
58
00:02:42,260 --> 00:02:44,094
they're playing
an old Red Sox game
59
00:02:44,128 --> 00:02:45,695
on Play Ball later.
60
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:47,013
What is Play Ball?
61
00:02:47,014 --> 00:02:48,815
Well, it's, uh, this show
on channel 58.
62
00:02:48,816 --> 00:02:51,285
They replay
classic Red Sox games.
63
00:02:51,319 --> 00:02:52,586
Hey, say, listen, Sam?
64
00:02:52,620 --> 00:02:54,455
This is one of your games.
65
00:02:54,489 --> 00:02:58,191
Yeah, July 14, 1975,
relief pitcher, Sam Malone.
66
00:02:58,192 --> 00:02:59,426
Hey, Sammy, what do you say
67
00:02:59,427 --> 00:03:01,078
we make an evening
out of it, huh?
68
00:03:01,079 --> 00:03:02,645
Yeah, popcorn, pretzels, beer.
69
00:03:02,646 --> 00:03:04,096
Gather around the old TV set.
70
00:03:04,097 --> 00:03:05,983
All right, sounds like a
nice change of pace.
71
00:03:05,984 --> 00:03:07,684
Yeah.
72
00:03:07,718 --> 00:03:09,069
Yeah, what the hell?
73
00:03:09,070 --> 00:03:10,471
That sounds like a nice idea.
74
00:03:10,472 --> 00:03:11,522
Say, honey,
75
00:03:11,523 --> 00:03:12,406
can you do me a favour?
76
00:03:12,407 --> 00:03:13,490
Can you hand me the, uh,
77
00:03:13,491 --> 00:03:15,759
baseball almanac under the bar?
78
00:03:17,494 --> 00:03:20,163
Uh, I was drinking a lot
back in those days,
79
00:03:20,198 --> 00:03:23,299
and there's something
about 1975 I don't remember.
80
00:03:23,334 --> 00:03:24,534
What's that?
81
00:03:24,568 --> 00:03:26,753
The summer part.
82
00:03:26,788 --> 00:03:28,955
I-I-I don't want them
seeing a game
83
00:03:28,956 --> 00:03:30,073
where I embarrass myself.
84
00:03:30,074 --> 00:03:31,375
All right, here we go.
85
00:03:31,409 --> 00:03:34,744
July... July 14, '75.
86
00:03:34,779 --> 00:03:36,479
Red Sox versus the Orioles.
87
00:03:36,514 --> 00:03:38,081
Red Sox won.
88
00:03:38,116 --> 00:03:39,383
Oh, right.
89
00:03:39,417 --> 00:03:40,683
I pitched three innings.
90
00:03:40,718 --> 00:03:42,286
I must have been okay that day.
91
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,954
Good. Yeah.
92
00:03:43,988 --> 00:03:45,238
All right, fellas.
93
00:03:45,273 --> 00:03:48,108
Yeah, let's have
a party here, huh? ALL:
94
00:03:48,109 --> 00:03:50,576
Finally, you're gonna see
why Sammy's so famous.
95
00:03:50,577 --> 00:03:52,729
Actually, uh,
we don't get the channel
96
00:03:52,764 --> 00:03:54,731
that shows why Sammy's
so famous.
97
00:04:00,488 --> 00:04:02,422
Cheers.
98
00:04:02,456 --> 00:04:04,624
Oh, hi, Vera.
99
00:04:04,659 --> 00:04:08,495
Uh, no, Vera, I'm sorry,
Norm's not here.
100
00:04:08,529 --> 00:04:10,297
Can I take a...
101
00:04:10,331 --> 00:04:12,265
It's an emergency?
102
00:04:13,251 --> 00:04:14,668
All right, all right.
103
00:04:14,669 --> 00:04:16,270
Whoa, you're not gonna
believe this, Vera,
104
00:04:16,271 --> 00:04:17,481
but Norm just walked in.
105
00:04:17,482 --> 00:04:18,772
Hello, everybody.
106
00:04:18,773 --> 00:04:21,375
Norm!
107
00:04:21,376 --> 00:04:23,076
Why, hello, Mr. Peterson.
108
00:04:28,115 --> 00:04:29,282
Hi, honey.
109
00:04:29,317 --> 00:04:30,901
What's the problem?
110
00:04:30,935 --> 00:04:33,503
What, an IRS audit?
111
00:04:33,537 --> 00:04:35,221
No, it can't be this afternoon.
112
00:04:35,222 --> 00:04:37,273
They've got to give you
at least three, four notices.
113
00:04:37,274 --> 00:04:38,942
This is the fourth notice?
114
00:04:39,911 --> 00:04:41,361
All right, all...
115
00:04:41,362 --> 00:04:42,496
look, don't worry about it.
116
00:04:42,497 --> 00:04:44,331
Don't... listen,
117
00:04:44,332 --> 00:04:45,932
as long as you're
checking the mail,
118
00:04:45,933 --> 00:04:48,268
uh, could you check
to see if the, uh,
119
00:04:48,303 --> 00:04:50,537
Victoria's Secret catalogue
came in?
120
00:04:50,571 --> 00:04:52,105
It did? Good, good.
121
00:04:52,139 --> 00:04:53,873
Just... just hold onto it, okay?
122
00:04:53,907 --> 00:04:56,409
And for God sakes,
don't order anything.
123
00:04:59,445 --> 00:05:02,166
Hey, Norm, what are you doing?
124
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:04,067
Just getting prepared.
125
00:05:04,102 --> 00:05:06,569
I'm gonna bury this
auditor in paperwork.
126
00:05:06,604 --> 00:05:07,971
I got phony receipts.
127
00:05:08,005 --> 00:05:09,339
I got a postdated diary.
128
00:05:09,373 --> 00:05:11,675
I got fake mileage
logs, the works.
129
00:05:11,676 --> 00:05:13,560
Why are you meeting
the auditor here?
130
00:05:13,561 --> 00:05:16,329
Old trick, Rebecca: you meet
the enemy on your own turf.
131
00:05:16,330 --> 00:05:19,683
Yeah, well, that's very smart
there, Normie, very smart.
132
00:05:19,717 --> 00:05:21,885
Hey, let me give you
another hint.
133
00:05:21,919 --> 00:05:24,404
Keep the authority figure
on your own eye level.
134
00:05:24,405 --> 00:05:26,172
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, it intimidates them.
135
00:05:26,173 --> 00:05:27,423
Really? Oh, yeah, sure.
136
00:05:27,424 --> 00:05:29,192
You know, whenever
I get stopped by a policeman,
137
00:05:29,193 --> 00:05:31,627
I get out of the car
and face him eye to eye.
138
00:05:31,628 --> 00:05:33,163
Hey, you know,
that's good thinking, Clavin.
139
00:05:33,164 --> 00:05:35,332
And you know,
another good thing to do
140
00:05:35,366 --> 00:05:38,301
is reach into your vest pocket
real sudden like.
141
00:05:38,336 --> 00:05:39,903
Give the cop a good start.
142
00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:41,371
That way, he won't
push you around.
143
00:05:41,372 --> 00:05:44,374
Ah, well, thank you
very much, Carla.
144
00:05:45,977 --> 00:05:47,878
Just planting the seed.
145
00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:49,445
Take a look at all this stuff.
146
00:05:49,446 --> 00:05:51,114
Just take a look
at all this stuff.
147
00:05:51,115 --> 00:05:53,049
When she sees this,
she's gonna crumble.
148
00:05:53,050 --> 00:05:54,251
Did you say "she"?
149
00:05:54,285 --> 00:05:55,352
Yeah.
150
00:05:55,386 --> 00:05:56,953
What are you worried about?
151
00:05:56,988 --> 00:05:58,038
What do you mean?
152
00:05:58,055 --> 00:06:00,290
All you got to do is flirt
with her a little.
153
00:06:01,392 --> 00:06:02,959
Right, flirt-me?
154
00:06:02,994 --> 00:06:04,227
Yeah. Come on.
155
00:06:04,262 --> 00:06:07,397
I haven't flirted with a
woman since I met Vera.
156
00:06:07,431 --> 00:06:11,701
Actually, I think she killed
the part of me that flirts.
157
00:06:11,735 --> 00:06:13,970
Come on, I mean, you can do it.
158
00:06:14,005 --> 00:06:16,006
You compliment her a little.
159
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,307
You sweet-talk her.
160
00:06:17,308 --> 00:06:19,542
Before you know it,
she's putty in your hands.
161
00:06:19,543 --> 00:06:20,710
Yeah, right.
162
00:06:20,744 --> 00:06:22,712
Would you flirt
with an IRS agent?
163
00:06:22,746 --> 00:06:24,714
I do it with the tollbooth guy.
164
00:06:31,089 --> 00:06:33,690
I'm looking for Norm Peterson.
165
00:06:35,159 --> 00:06:36,576
And you are?
166
00:06:36,611 --> 00:06:38,428
Dot Carroll, IRS.
167
00:06:38,429 --> 00:06:39,429
Oh.
168
00:06:39,430 --> 00:06:41,731
He's right over
there on the corner.
169
00:06:41,766 --> 00:06:43,233
Ouch.
170
00:06:44,152 --> 00:06:45,669
Ah, Ms. Carroll,
171
00:06:45,670 --> 00:06:47,154
I've been looking forward
to meeting you.
172
00:06:47,155 --> 00:06:49,088
After all, I'm an
accountant myself.
173
00:06:49,123 --> 00:06:51,808
And I should be interested
in that because...?
174
00:06:51,842 --> 00:06:52,993
No reason.
175
00:06:53,027 --> 00:06:54,360
No reason at all.
176
00:06:54,361 --> 00:06:56,546
Is there someplace we can talk?
177
00:06:56,547 --> 00:06:58,181
Yes, uh, the office there, uh...
178
00:06:58,182 --> 00:07:00,250
I think you'll find that
everything's in perfect order.
179
00:07:00,251 --> 00:07:01,434
It better be.
180
00:07:01,435 --> 00:07:03,336
I just spent two hours
with some horse's ass
181
00:07:03,337 --> 00:07:05,805
who tried to play the old
fake receipts and diary on me.
182
00:07:05,806 --> 00:07:06,973
Can you believe it?
183
00:07:09,777 --> 00:07:10,977
Ouch.
184
00:07:12,312 --> 00:07:15,031
Okay, fellas,
bring it on in here.
185
00:07:15,066 --> 00:07:16,299
Put it over there
186
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:17,667
under the other
television, all right?
187
00:07:17,668 --> 00:07:19,402
And plug it in for me.
188
00:07:19,403 --> 00:07:20,754
What's with the big screen?
189
00:07:20,755 --> 00:07:22,188
Oh, some channel is playing
190
00:07:22,189 --> 00:07:23,590
one of Sam's baseball
triumphs tonight.
191
00:07:23,591 --> 00:07:24,731
Here, see for yourself.
192
00:07:25,693 --> 00:07:27,243
Uh-huh.
193
00:07:28,479 --> 00:07:30,647
Sammy, can I talk
to you for a minute?
194
00:07:30,682 --> 00:07:31,915
You betcha.
195
00:07:31,949 --> 00:07:34,351
You know, about this game
that's on tonight...
196
00:07:34,385 --> 00:07:36,586
Uh-huh.
Do you remember what happened?
197
00:07:36,621 --> 00:07:38,154
Yeah, I won.
198
00:07:38,189 --> 00:07:40,691
Hey, Sam, this was in
your drinking days.
199
00:07:40,692 --> 00:07:42,659
I mean, this is the
game where you thought
200
00:07:42,660 --> 00:07:45,962
the Orioles' mascot was
a huge mutant bird.
201
00:07:47,881 --> 00:07:49,949
Oh, my God.
202
00:07:49,983 --> 00:07:51,668
Yeah, remember? Oh...
203
00:07:51,702 --> 00:07:53,519
Yeah, you threw a
fastball at him.
204
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,021
You hit him right
between the eyes
205
00:07:55,022 --> 00:07:56,389
and gave him a concussion.
206
00:07:56,423 --> 00:07:57,708
Well, what would you do
207
00:07:57,709 --> 00:07:59,843
if you saw this gigantic bird
coming at you?
208
00:07:59,844 --> 00:08:01,277
Would you just let it attack you
209
00:08:01,278 --> 00:08:02,712
and peck your eyes out?
210
00:08:02,746 --> 00:08:05,765
Come on, it took you three
years to live it down.
211
00:08:05,766 --> 00:08:07,234
I mean, you really
want these guys
212
00:08:07,235 --> 00:08:08,635
seeing it all over again?
213
00:08:08,669 --> 00:08:10,854
Shh... shh...
214
00:08:10,855 --> 00:08:12,622
Sammy, all set
for the big game tonight, huh?
215
00:08:12,623 --> 00:08:13,957
Hey, all right.
216
00:08:13,958 --> 00:08:15,008
A big screen TV.
217
00:08:15,009 --> 00:08:17,059
Hey, Sammy, we ordered
a bunch of pizzas.
218
00:08:17,077 --> 00:08:19,345
Say, uh, fellas, hey, listen,
219
00:08:19,346 --> 00:08:20,680
you-you-you don't want to watch
220
00:08:20,681 --> 00:08:21,915
that silly old game, do you?
221
00:08:21,916 --> 00:08:23,750
Let's see what else
is on at 8:30.
222
00:08:23,751 --> 00:08:25,251
Hey, here you go, look at this.
223
00:08:25,252 --> 00:08:27,687
Magilla Gorilla, huh?
224
00:08:27,722 --> 00:08:29,856
Come on!
225
00:08:29,890 --> 00:08:32,475
$500 to have your nails wrapped?
226
00:08:32,509 --> 00:08:33,743
Yeah.
227
00:08:33,778 --> 00:08:36,980
Yeah, I have
a very low calcium count.
228
00:08:36,981 --> 00:08:38,465
According to these receipts,
229
00:08:38,466 --> 00:08:41,300
you had a lot of business
dinners with a C. Clavin.
230
00:08:41,335 --> 00:08:44,304
Yeah, he's a, um,
very important business client.
231
00:08:44,338 --> 00:08:46,706
I constantly have
to wine and dine the guy.
232
00:08:46,740 --> 00:08:49,450
Well, I certainly hope
he enjoyed his three Whoppers.
233
00:08:50,611 --> 00:08:52,478
I believe he did, yes.
234
00:08:53,398 --> 00:08:55,982
Mr. Peterson, about
this work diary
235
00:08:56,016 --> 00:08:58,184
from 1989... Yeah.
236
00:08:58,185 --> 00:09:00,070
I'd be willing to bet
that if I took this
237
00:09:00,071 --> 00:09:01,938
to my office for an analysis,
they would discover
238
00:09:01,939 --> 00:09:04,408
that the ink is not more
than 30 minutes old.
239
00:09:04,442 --> 00:09:06,943
So what, you're
gonna try to penalize me
240
00:09:06,977 --> 00:09:09,913
for copying it over
for neatness?
241
00:09:11,916 --> 00:09:14,117
Mr. Peterson... Yeah?
242
00:09:14,118 --> 00:09:16,669
As an accountant, I'm sure
you're aware that the penalty
243
00:09:16,670 --> 00:09:19,289
for defrauding the United States
government is imprisonment.
244
00:09:19,290 --> 00:09:22,742
This conversation
just took a left turn.
245
00:09:22,776 --> 00:09:25,661
Fake receipts, phony diary.
246
00:09:25,696 --> 00:09:28,965
Mr. Peterson,
you are in very big trouble.
247
00:09:28,966 --> 00:09:30,500
I can't believe I'm hearing this
248
00:09:30,501 --> 00:09:32,418
from someone... as...
249
00:09:36,691 --> 00:09:39,142
doggone it, as...
250
00:09:39,177 --> 00:09:42,312
as, uh, as lovely as yourself.
251
00:09:42,346 --> 00:09:45,598
What the hell
is that supposed to mean?
252
00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:49,285
Come on, just...
take a look at you.
253
00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,122
You've got the...
sculpted cheekbones,
254
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:54,524
those smouldering eyes,
255
00:09:54,558 --> 00:09:56,526
a voice any man
could get lost in.
256
00:09:56,561 --> 00:09:58,477
You're not giving yourself
257
00:09:58,478 --> 00:09:59,646
enough credit, Miss Carroll.
258
00:09:59,647 --> 00:10:01,414
I mean, surely
I'm not the first man
259
00:10:01,415 --> 00:10:02,982
who's ever said
these things to you.
260
00:10:02,983 --> 00:10:05,902
I think I know what's
going on here, Mr. Peterson.
261
00:10:05,937 --> 00:10:07,170
What?
262
00:10:07,204 --> 00:10:09,155
I wasn't born yesterday.
263
00:10:09,189 --> 00:10:11,891
I know when someone's
making a pass at me.
264
00:10:11,926 --> 00:10:13,960
And let me
tell you this, buster,
265
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,528
you're coming on to an official
266
00:10:15,529 --> 00:10:17,030
of the United States government,
267
00:10:17,031 --> 00:10:20,332
an auditor for
the Internal Revenue Service.
268
00:10:21,285 --> 00:10:23,803
This meeting is over...
269
00:10:23,837 --> 00:10:26,156
stud!
270
00:10:26,157 --> 00:10:29,241
We'll continue this audit
in my hotel room.
271
00:10:29,242 --> 00:10:30,810
Ritz Carlton, room 147.
272
00:10:30,844 --> 00:10:32,445
Meet me there tonight.
273
00:10:34,748 --> 00:10:36,716
And P.S.,
274
00:10:36,750 --> 00:10:38,685
I play rough.
275
00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:54,484
I tell you, as far
as I'm concerned,
276
00:10:54,518 --> 00:10:57,354
you got it made in the shade
with this IRS chick.
277
00:10:57,388 --> 00:11:00,190
Hey, not only do you
get out of jail free,
278
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:04,027
but, uh, you get
a little action on the side.
279
00:11:04,061 --> 00:11:06,796
High five!
280
00:11:08,682 --> 00:11:10,483
Nobody. Okay.
281
00:11:13,053 --> 00:11:15,754
Well, Miss Ann Landers,
282
00:11:15,755 --> 00:11:16,823
are you happy?
283
00:11:16,824 --> 00:11:18,925
I took your advice-
I flirted with the woman.
284
00:11:18,926 --> 00:11:20,493
Now she wants to sleep with me.
285
00:11:20,527 --> 00:11:21,828
What do you suggest now?
286
00:11:21,862 --> 00:11:24,513
I suggest you keep
the lights off.
287
00:11:24,548 --> 00:11:26,699
Thank you.
288
00:11:26,733 --> 00:11:29,302
Well, I say,
sauce for the goose.
289
00:11:29,336 --> 00:11:31,904
At last a male
is being sexually harassed.
290
00:11:31,938 --> 00:11:33,973
Let this be a lesson to us.
291
00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:37,810
I mean, how many of us have,
in our lives, in some small way,
292
00:11:37,844 --> 00:11:41,280
depersonalised a member
of the opposite sex?
293
00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:46,869
Whoa, mangos-two for a buck!
294
00:11:46,870 --> 00:11:49,455
You see? That's exactly the kind
295
00:11:49,456 --> 00:11:51,506
of boorish behaviour
I'm talking about!
296
00:11:51,525 --> 00:11:54,226
Hey, Sam,
how's it going back there?
297
00:11:54,260 --> 00:11:55,361
Uh, fine.
298
00:11:55,395 --> 00:11:58,163
All I got to do is
undo these two wires,
299
00:11:58,164 --> 00:12:00,032
and the fellows will
never see the game.
300
00:12:08,876 --> 00:12:11,878
Sam, are you okay?
301
00:12:11,912 --> 00:12:13,913
I just remembered.
302
00:12:13,948 --> 00:12:15,882
I fought in the Civil War.
303
00:12:16,029 --> 00:12:19,919
Hey, you know, I think
you busted the TV.
304
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:21,087
Wow!
305
00:12:21,121 --> 00:12:22,739
What happened?
306
00:12:22,773 --> 00:12:24,724
Oh! Yeah, uh, I'm sorry, fellas.
307
00:12:24,725 --> 00:12:27,126
I was, uh, I was, you know,
trying to make the colour
308
00:12:27,127 --> 00:12:28,895
just right on the TV
for the big game,
309
00:12:28,896 --> 00:12:29,996
and, uh, something blew.
310
00:12:29,997 --> 00:12:30,797
Ah, Sammy.
311
00:12:30,798 --> 00:12:32,815
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys.
312
00:12:32,816 --> 00:12:33,983
But, hey, don't worry about it.
313
00:12:33,984 --> 00:12:35,117
They're-They're bound
to show it again.
314
00:12:35,118 --> 00:12:36,286
It was a hell of a game.
315
00:12:36,287 --> 00:12:37,720
I was pretty good
in it, too, fellas.
316
00:12:37,721 --> 00:12:38,788
Don't worry, Sammy.
317
00:12:38,789 --> 00:12:40,022
We'll watch it on
the regular TV.
318
00:12:40,023 --> 00:12:41,223
No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
319
00:12:41,224 --> 00:12:42,725
Tim, actually, put that down,
put that down.
320
00:12:42,726 --> 00:12:44,343
Uh, forgot to tell you, fellas,
321
00:12:44,344 --> 00:12:46,479
that, uh, I was working
on that TV earlier,
322
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,481
trying to get the colour
just right for the game,
323
00:12:48,482 --> 00:12:51,217
and, uh, damnedest thing,
it-it blew.
324
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:53,820
It blew as well as
the big screen there.
325
00:12:53,854 --> 00:12:57,156
Uh, I guess we're just not meant
to see this game, huh, fellas?
326
00:12:57,190 --> 00:12:59,091
It's okay, Sammy.
327
00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:01,260
We can, uh, see it
on my little Watchman.
328
00:13:01,467 --> 00:13:05,164
Where did that thing
come from, Paul?
329
00:13:05,165 --> 00:13:06,799
I take it with me everywhere.
330
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,500
You know, you can, uh,
run it on batteries,
331
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:10,870
or I plug it in the, uh,
cigarette lighter in my car.
332
00:13:10,871 --> 00:13:12,671
Paul, you watch TV in the car?
333
00:13:12,706 --> 00:13:15,074
I don't like to miss my stories.
334
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,195
Can I see that?
335
00:13:19,229 --> 00:13:20,430
Oh!
336
00:13:20,464 --> 00:13:21,794
Look at that.
337
00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:23,065
I'll be damned. That's a beauty.
338
00:13:23,066 --> 00:13:24,066
I guess you just...
339
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:26,235
Oh.
340
00:13:26,269 --> 00:13:27,486
Hey.
341
00:13:27,521 --> 00:13:29,121
I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry.
342
00:13:29,155 --> 00:13:31,874
Uh, Paul, I'll-I'll replace it.
343
00:13:31,908 --> 00:13:33,376
It's $300.
344
00:13:33,410 --> 00:13:35,628
No, I meant the beer, Paul.
345
00:13:35,629 --> 00:13:37,296
Sam, Sam, your
behaviour leads me
346
00:13:37,297 --> 00:13:38,697
to one of two conclusions:
347
00:13:38,698 --> 00:13:40,633
(A) You're trying to keep
us from seeing that game;
348
00:13:40,634 --> 00:13:43,669
(Or B) You've just suffered a
small cerebrovascular accident.
349
00:13:43,670 --> 00:13:46,122
What the hell is
going on here, Sam?
350
00:13:46,157 --> 00:13:47,823
All right, I'll...
351
00:13:47,824 --> 00:13:48,891
I'm sorry, fellas.
352
00:13:48,892 --> 00:13:49,992
It's just...
353
00:13:50,027 --> 00:13:51,744
I don't want you
to see the game.
354
00:13:51,778 --> 00:13:53,462
I made a real idiot
out of myself.
355
00:13:53,463 --> 00:13:55,898
I was, I was drunk that night
when I was pitching,
356
00:13:55,899 --> 00:13:58,367
and, well, I kind of got mad
357
00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:01,337
at the Oriole mascot and...
358
00:14:01,371 --> 00:14:03,472
well, I skulled him.
359
00:14:03,507 --> 00:14:05,775
Sammy, now, are-are you
talking about
360
00:14:05,809 --> 00:14:07,943
that-that big stupid bird
361
00:14:07,944 --> 00:14:10,079
that used to dance around
on top of the dugout?
362
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,997
A-Actually, Alan, it turns out
363
00:14:12,032 --> 00:14:14,534
that's a man
in a bird's costume.
364
00:14:16,770 --> 00:14:19,138
See, I just, uh...
365
00:14:19,139 --> 00:14:21,107
well, I-I'm real
embarrassed about it,
366
00:14:21,108 --> 00:14:23,776
and it'd mean a lot to me if
you guys didn't watch the game.
367
00:14:23,777 --> 00:14:26,478
I-I-I don't want to be
remembered like that.
368
00:14:26,513 --> 00:14:27,981
We understand, Sam.
369
00:14:27,982 --> 00:14:30,316
Yeah, Sammy, all you had to do
was say something.
370
00:14:30,317 --> 00:14:31,784
It's okay, Sam, really.
371
00:14:31,818 --> 00:14:33,902
Ah, hey, thanks a lot, guys.
372
00:14:33,903 --> 00:14:35,137
That-That means a lot to me.
373
00:14:35,138 --> 00:14:36,405
Thank you.
374
00:14:36,406 --> 00:14:38,741
Uh, Carla, give these guys
a drink on the house.
375
00:14:38,742 --> 00:14:40,009
Thanks a lot, fellas.
376
00:14:40,010 --> 00:14:41,076
Thanks, Sammy!
377
00:14:41,077 --> 00:14:42,612
Thanks a lot. That's great.
378
00:14:42,646 --> 00:14:44,246
Looky here.
379
00:14:44,281 --> 00:14:45,915
Hey, Paul, you got two of those?
380
00:14:45,916 --> 00:14:47,249
Yeah, I always keep one charged.
381
00:14:59,579 --> 00:15:01,569
So, Norm, decide what
you're gonna do?
382
00:15:01,581 --> 00:15:03,349
I know one thing's for sure.
383
00:15:03,350 --> 00:15:04,817
I can't just sleep
with some woman
384
00:15:04,818 --> 00:15:06,619
so she'll go easier
on my tax audit.
385
00:15:06,653 --> 00:15:08,153
You know, uh, Norm,
386
00:15:08,154 --> 00:15:10,990
I've known you for a long time,
and I consider you a friend.
387
00:15:10,991 --> 00:15:12,224
Yeah.
388
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:15,594
And I, uh, just want you to know
that I got connections.
389
00:15:15,595 --> 00:15:17,630
Might be able to make it
a little easier for you.
390
00:15:17,631 --> 00:15:18,998
You mean people in the IRS?
391
00:15:18,999 --> 00:15:20,349
No, prison.
392
00:15:20,383 --> 00:15:22,785
Right.
393
00:15:22,819 --> 00:15:24,120
Thanks a lot.
394
00:15:24,154 --> 00:15:26,422
Of course, if I tell this woman
395
00:15:26,456 --> 00:15:28,791
that I'm not really
that attracted to her,
396
00:15:28,825 --> 00:15:31,227
she'll get so angry, I
will wind up in prison.
397
00:15:31,261 --> 00:15:33,095
Well, relax, Norm.
398
00:15:33,096 --> 00:15:34,964
I've been brainstorming,
and I've come up with a plan.
399
00:15:34,965 --> 00:15:36,098
Yeah? Yeah.
400
00:15:36,099 --> 00:15:37,466
I'm desperate;
I'll try anything.
401
00:15:37,467 --> 00:15:38,734
Come on.
402
00:15:38,735 --> 00:15:40,086
All right, tell you what,
here's the plan.
403
00:15:40,087 --> 00:15:41,854
Uh-huh.
I go to the hotel in your place, right?
404
00:15:41,855 --> 00:15:43,289
I reach in,
flick off the lights,
405
00:15:43,290 --> 00:15:44,690
say "Room service
for Dot Carroll."
406
00:15:44,691 --> 00:15:48,560
In the meantime, I've got
a big bag full of wild squirrels
407
00:15:48,595 --> 00:15:51,663
with sparklers
attached to their tails.
408
00:15:51,698 --> 00:15:53,032
I drop them in the room.
409
00:15:53,033 --> 00:15:54,299
They run around terrified,
410
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:55,835
setting off the alarms
and the sprinklers.
411
00:15:55,836 --> 00:15:57,937
Okay? In the ensuing hubbub,
412
00:15:57,938 --> 00:16:00,172
she forgets all about
her little date with you.
413
00:16:00,173 --> 00:16:01,223
Trust me.
414
00:16:01,224 --> 00:16:03,242
You think a cold shower's
a mood killer?
415
00:16:03,243 --> 00:16:05,477
Try a bag of wild squirrels.
416
00:16:05,478 --> 00:16:10,065
Thanks, Cliff, but, uh, you
don't have to go to the trouble.
417
00:16:10,066 --> 00:16:13,469
That's all right;
I already got the squirrels.
418
00:16:13,504 --> 00:16:15,437
Thank you, but no.
419
00:16:15,472 --> 00:16:17,573
Okay, okay.
420
00:16:18,842 --> 00:16:20,292
Hey, Norm, I got an idea.
421
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:21,493
What?
422
00:16:21,494 --> 00:16:23,562
Why don't I just pick up
the phone and call Vera
423
00:16:23,563 --> 00:16:24,697
and tell her what's going on?
424
00:16:24,698 --> 00:16:26,015
Now, listen.
425
00:16:26,016 --> 00:16:27,583
She'll run over
to the Ritz Carlton
426
00:16:27,584 --> 00:16:30,019
and burst into the room
before anything can happen.
427
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:33,255
This way, Dot can't get angry at
you, and you'll be off the hook.
428
00:16:33,256 --> 00:16:34,206
Yeah, yeah.
429
00:16:34,207 --> 00:16:36,141
Then Dot tells Vera
how I came on to her.
430
00:16:36,176 --> 00:16:38,946
Either way, I spend the next
ten years sleeping on a cot.
431
00:16:40,447 --> 00:16:44,049
Well, Norm, you could get,
uh, someone to impersonate Vera.
432
00:16:44,084 --> 00:16:45,801
Well, thanks, Fras, but I doubt
433
00:16:45,836 --> 00:16:49,187
that Ed Asner has time to
hop on a plane to Boston.
434
00:16:49,222 --> 00:16:52,391
Well, I was thinking more
435
00:16:52,425 --> 00:16:55,294
along the lines of,
uh, a friend in the bar.
436
00:16:57,064 --> 00:16:58,196
Oh.
437
00:16:58,231 --> 00:16:59,665
Come on, Carla.
438
00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:01,150
This was your idea
in the first place. Oh, no.
439
00:17:01,151 --> 00:17:02,885
What do you say you
help me out? Come on.
440
00:17:02,886 --> 00:17:04,270
Oh, and why should I?
441
00:17:04,304 --> 00:17:07,072
You haven't left me a tip
in 15 years.
442
00:17:07,107 --> 00:17:10,309
Frankly, I never felt
the service was all that great.
443
00:17:10,310 --> 00:17:14,146
Come on, are you gonna
help me or aren't you?
444
00:17:14,147 --> 00:17:15,781
Forget about it!
445
00:17:15,816 --> 00:17:17,583
All right, fine.
446
00:17:17,617 --> 00:17:19,384
Fine. I'm on my own.
447
00:17:19,419 --> 00:17:23,856
I'll just go over to the hotel
and throw myself at her mercy.
448
00:17:23,890 --> 00:17:25,791
I'll plead with the woman.
449
00:17:25,826 --> 00:17:27,860
I'll beg her.
450
00:17:27,894 --> 00:17:30,847
I'll say how wrong it is
for her to force me to do this.
451
00:17:30,881 --> 00:17:33,411
What the hell, it worked for me
on my wedding night.
452
00:18:04,548 --> 00:18:06,899
I'll make this short and sweet.
453
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:08,901
When I say "go,"
you tear off my clothes,
454
00:18:08,902 --> 00:18:10,536
and you can't use your hands.
455
00:18:12,973 --> 00:18:15,724
Well, hell, come on in.
456
00:18:22,466 --> 00:18:23,716
Enough foreplay.
457
00:18:23,750 --> 00:18:24,917
Let's be sheet meat.
458
00:18:24,951 --> 00:18:27,670
Did I tell you
that I was married?
459
00:18:27,704 --> 00:18:29,154
Congratulations.
460
00:18:29,172 --> 00:18:31,373
Let's celebrate
with a roll in the hay.
461
00:18:31,407 --> 00:18:33,759
Listen, there were
some things I said to you
462
00:18:33,793 --> 00:18:36,062
this afternoon
that I-I really...
463
00:18:36,096 --> 00:18:37,196
Don't worry.
464
00:18:37,231 --> 00:18:38,747
I'll be gentle.
465
00:18:38,781 --> 00:18:40,416
Drop trou on three.
466
00:18:40,417 --> 00:18:41,667
One, two...
467
00:18:41,668 --> 00:18:42,868
Who the hell's that?
468
00:18:42,869 --> 00:18:44,403
I'll get it,
I'll get it, I'll get it.
469
00:18:44,404 --> 00:18:46,205
It's me, Vera, your wife!
470
00:18:46,206 --> 00:18:47,706
What are you doing
in there, Norm?!
471
00:18:47,707 --> 00:18:50,109
You better not have
a woman in there!
472
00:18:50,143 --> 00:18:51,594
Honey, honey.
473
00:18:55,732 --> 00:18:57,432
Vera, now, now, now, calm down.
474
00:18:57,467 --> 00:18:58,934
Calm down, honey, calm down.
475
00:18:58,935 --> 00:18:59,969
Dot, I am so sorry.
476
00:18:59,970 --> 00:19:01,370
How could you?!
477
00:19:01,404 --> 00:19:03,072
I couldn't help myself.
478
00:19:03,106 --> 00:19:04,907
How could you?
479
00:19:04,908 --> 00:19:06,943
Let me put your mind at rest,
Mrs. Peterson.
480
00:19:06,944 --> 00:19:08,244
Nothing happened.
481
00:19:08,278 --> 00:19:09,745
Oh, thank God.
482
00:19:09,779 --> 00:19:10,980
Well, I guess that's it.
483
00:19:10,981 --> 00:19:12,048
We'd better go. Yeah.
484
00:19:12,049 --> 00:19:13,216
Hey!
485
00:19:13,250 --> 00:19:15,417
Aren't you a waitress
at that bar?
486
00:19:15,451 --> 00:19:16,686
What?
487
00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:17,887
I don't believe for a second
488
00:19:17,888 --> 00:19:19,454
that you two are man and wife.
489
00:19:19,455 --> 00:19:20,990
I don't know what
you're talking about.
490
00:19:20,991 --> 00:19:22,758
I'm Vera Peterson, Norm's wife.
491
00:19:22,792 --> 00:19:25,294
Okay, if you two
are so happily married,
492
00:19:25,329 --> 00:19:28,731
let's see a big,
open-mouthed, sloppy kiss.
493
00:19:28,765 --> 00:19:31,466
Right now.
494
00:19:35,906 --> 00:19:37,339
We don't have to do that.
495
00:19:37,374 --> 00:19:38,541
That's right.
496
00:19:38,575 --> 00:19:41,377
That's for the privacy
of our boudoir.
497
00:19:41,411 --> 00:19:44,196
If I don't see some evidence
of your happy marriage,
498
00:19:44,230 --> 00:19:47,266
I'm gonna go through your
receipts with a fine-tooth comb.
499
00:19:50,854 --> 00:19:52,788
Honey?
500
00:20:21,417 --> 00:20:23,669
I'm sorry, Norm.
You're gonna fry.
501
00:20:28,024 --> 00:20:30,325
Okay, Peterson, what's going on?
502
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:32,995
All right, Dot.
503
00:20:33,029 --> 00:20:35,464
All right, I'm gonna
be honest with you.
504
00:20:35,499 --> 00:20:37,433
That wasn't my wife.
505
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:41,036
My wife is probably home in bed.
506
00:20:41,070 --> 00:20:44,139
The truth is, Dot,
I'm not a very good husband.
507
00:20:45,575 --> 00:20:47,676
I hardly spend
any time at all with Vera.
508
00:20:47,711 --> 00:20:49,511
We never talk.
509
00:20:49,545 --> 00:20:51,681
I don't know her birthday.
510
00:20:51,682 --> 00:20:53,148
I don't know
when our anniversary is.
511
00:20:53,149 --> 00:20:55,434
But I don't cheat on her.
512
00:20:55,435 --> 00:20:57,386
Now, that may not
sound like much to you,
513
00:20:57,387 --> 00:20:59,288
but to me,
it's the difference between
514
00:20:59,289 --> 00:21:02,224
being a bad husband
and being a bad person.
515
00:21:04,962 --> 00:21:07,063
So, go ahead, d-do your worst.
516
00:21:07,097 --> 00:21:08,798
Throw the book at me.
517
00:21:08,832 --> 00:21:11,450
I should've known.
518
00:21:11,484 --> 00:21:12,951
I scared you away, didn't I?
519
00:21:14,421 --> 00:21:16,538
I'm always scaring men away.
520
00:21:16,572 --> 00:21:18,908
What is it about me?!
521
00:21:20,260 --> 00:21:22,394
Don't just stand there, tell me!
Uh...
522
00:21:24,364 --> 00:21:26,632
You could lighten up a bit.
523
00:21:26,666 --> 00:21:29,402
I mean, you do
come on sort of strong.
524
00:21:29,436 --> 00:21:30,669
And while we're at it,
525
00:21:30,704 --> 00:21:33,706
you could cut back
to three or four packs a day.
526
00:21:33,941 --> 00:21:36,459
I do it to stay thin.
527
00:21:36,493 --> 00:21:37,961
Want one?
528
00:21:41,465 --> 00:21:44,167
All right,
this isn't about me, okay?
529
00:21:45,789 --> 00:21:49,605
Oh, I guess I'm just
not used to somebody
530
00:21:49,606 --> 00:21:51,941
saying nice things to me.
531
00:21:51,976 --> 00:21:53,710
Well, I could start right now.
532
00:21:53,744 --> 00:21:55,011
All right?
533
00:21:56,831 --> 00:21:59,732
I believe that underneath
that gruff exterior,
534
00:21:59,733 --> 00:22:01,935
you're probably a very
nice, warm, caring person.
535
00:22:01,936 --> 00:22:03,770
Okay? And I say
that knowing that
536
00:22:03,771 --> 00:22:05,404
you're probably gonna
throw me in jail.
537
00:22:06,390 --> 00:22:07,960
You're not going to jail, Norm.
538
00:22:07,992 --> 00:22:10,660
I wouldn't throw a decent man
like you in jail.
539
00:22:10,694 --> 00:22:12,545
Thank you, Dot.
540
00:22:16,250 --> 00:22:19,852
Better head back to, uh, Cheers.
541
00:22:19,886 --> 00:22:22,638
Um, you want to stay here
and talk a while?
542
00:22:22,673 --> 00:22:25,058
I probably shouldn't.
543
00:22:25,092 --> 00:22:26,375
Got a minibar.
544
00:22:26,410 --> 00:22:27,670
Well, if you need a friend.
545
00:22:30,965 --> 00:22:35,351
That'd be nice,
just you and me, talking.
546
00:22:36,788 --> 00:22:42,174
Room service for Dot Carroll.
38263
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