Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

What do you want to do tonight, Cliff?

Eh, I don't know.

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

You guys!

You do this all day long for hours.

Face it, Rebecca, we're bored.

Nothing ever happens around here.

Oh, my God!

Hey, it's Andy Andy.

What, you know this person?

Yeah. Former major felon.

Once killed a waitress.

Where's Diane?

I demand to see Diane!

Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here

in five or six years.

Oh, really?

Well...

okay.

So, what do you want to do?

? Wouldn't you like to get away??

Well, well, well, so Maggie O'Keefe is back in town, huh?

Couldn't get enough of the Old Clavin monster, I guess.

Who's-who's Maggie O'Keefe?

That's Cliff's old girlfriend.

I'm sorry, Cliff's what?

Oh, no, no, no, I've been thinking about you, too.

What?

Aw, come on, I can't say that in front of the guys.

All right.

I love you, too.

That was Ma! Maggie's back in town!

So, how long has it been since you've seen Maggie?

Oh, about six months.

She, uh, skipped off to Canada for a while, you know, and...

according to Ma, she's back in town, wants to see me.

I guess she's just looking for a booster shot of "vitamin CC."

Yeah, maybe things just didn't work out in Canada.

Yeah, I'll never forget when

my Uncle Orlo left Hanover to seek his fortune in the big city.

You know what happened?

Terre Haute just chewed him up and spit him out.

Yep, he came back with his head between his legs.

Actually, I think the expression is "tail between his legs."

Oh, no, there was a train accident on the way back.

Yep.

It's a real tragedy.

Yeah, a year later, he drowned in a sitz bath.

Guess what I kept seeing

as I was driving into work just now.

The middle finger of every driver in Boston?

No. The new ad campaign for Gary's Old Towne Tavern.

He's got billboards, buses, tops of taxis, he's got everything.

I'm telling you that guy's business is gonna double.

Yeah? Well, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I think that we should do some advertising.

Maybe we should do a commercial on the radio,

you know, a jingle, something real catchy.

No, I don't want to do a jingle-that's stupid.

You know, Sammy's right there, Becs.

What you want is a word-of-mouth campaign.

I'd be happy to help, you know.

I'll talk it up down at the old post office.

Before you know it,

this place will be wall-to-wall with letter carriers.

Now, you think I'm entertaining?

Multiply me by a hundred.

Jingle! Jingle! Jingle!

Well, Miss Howe, you have certainly come

to the right place- I'm gonna hook you up

with our very best composer.

Send in Jason.

We should probably talk about budget now.

Yes.

I am prepared to spend as much as $200.

Keep Jason.

Somebody wake up Sy Flembeck.

Oh, advertising.

You know, I almost went into advertising.

I bet that I would've been real good at it,

because I am really good with, um...

Oh, God, what is that when you call and people are...

you get two people and they're talking to each other?

You mean communication? Yes!

I have a real knack for that. Oh.

So, it's curtains for me, huh?

The old "Adios, Flembeck."

I knew this day'd come.

I gave this firm the best years of my life.

It turns around and kicks me right in the old haemorrhoid hotel.

Pardon my French, babe.

Well, before I go,

let me tell you something, Mr. Pimply-Faced Teenager

Who's Running the Shop This Week.

I wrote "Chocolate, chocolate, who ate my bar?"

when you were still dangling from your mother's breast,

you cheap S.O.B.!

Sy, we've got a job for you.

You didn't let me finish!

You have to be that way, 'cause you're a leader!

Leadership has its price,

and I respect that, and I respect you!

Does it show?

The love, I mean?

Well, here you go, Miss Howe.

$200 worth of perfection.

Yeah, well, let's go to my cubicle, babe.

We'll throw some ideas at the wall and see if they stick.

This is so exciting!

This...

is Cheers. Great.

Where's the old 88's? Oh, right over here.

Listen, do you think you can write something for this place

that's really gonna capture the spirit of Cheers?

But you have to do it right away,

because, you know, there's a lot of competition out there.

Hey, let me ask you something.

Why don't you put a little more pressure on me,

'cause I haven't had a stroke in about two months. Thank you.

Sorry.

I'm sure you'll do a great job.

Of course I will.

Perhaps you heard my humble efforts

for Fred's Tune-ups.

Everybody!

- Excuse me!

Isn't that just "Old MacDonald's Farm"?

When Old MacDonald pays me 200 bucks,

it'll be "Old MacDonald's Farm."

Look, Cliffie, when is, uh,

when is Maggie actually gonna show up here?

Yeah, where is this alleged girlfriend of yours?

Well, uh, Paul, I'm sure there's

a very good reason why she isn't here.

Well, thank you, Carla.

Namely that Clavin dismembered her

and stacked her in his freezer.

Yeah, you know, the police

took that call of yours very seriously.

Missed a half a day's work, thank you very much.

Poor Ma didn't know what to think.

She tossed out

a whole year's worth

of Omaha steaks trying to protect me.

You must be pretty excited to see Maggie, huh?

Oh, yeah. Darned excited, Sammy.

Yeah, boy, when we're together,

we're the hottest couple imaginable.

Yeah, I got the hormones, the drive, the needs.

Yes siree, yeah, my body's like one big erogenous zone.

Five, four, three...

What are you doing, Carla? Counting down.

I'm about to launch my lunch.

Oh! Oh, look at that!

Here comes Maggie now.

Yeah, well, I'd just better stand firm.

I mean, nobody ties Cliff Clavin down, that's for sure.

She can have me back, but, uh, no commitments.

Mark my words.

Hey there, baby.

Remember me?

I sure do, Cliff.

Or should I say "Daddy"?

How is he? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

Hey, how's he doing there, Fras?

Oh, better, I think.

Carla volunteered to bathe his face with cold water

and was doing fine until the seat came down on his head.

I should go to him.

No. Trust me, I'm a doctor.

I've seen many cases of shock.

What I suggest that you do is go out for a while,

give Cliff time to regain his composure,

and then you can come on back, sit down

and have a nice little chat with him about, uh...

Well, whatever it is you wish to discuss with him.

Thank you, Doctor.

Perhaps it was a bit much to spring on him. Yes.

Tell him I'll be back in a little while. All right.

Well, from our "things you never thought you'd hear" category,

that woman is carrying Cliff's child.

Come on, buddy.

Where is she?

She had to step out for a little while.

Hey! Ha! I'll be damned!

Let me be the first to congratulate you, Cliffie!

Uh, thanks, Sam.

You dog, Cliffie!

Yeah. I got to say, man, I'm shocked.

How come? Well, you know, I mean,

you always claimed that you and Margaret were,

you know, doing it, but, you know, I never really,

you know...

I'm just surprised, is all, Cliff.

So, she's pregnant with your child.

You gonna go through Lamaze, or, uh,

do you figure it'll just burst out through her chest?

Why'd you do it, Cliff?

I begged you to get yourself fixed.

I even offered to pay for it.

Hell, I offered to do it for you!

Come on, come on, you guys.

It's celebration time here!

Hey, drinks on the house- my friend's gonna be a daddy!

Yeah! Yeah!

You are gonna marry her, aren't you, Mr. Clavin?

It'd be a shame to have to stone her.

Well, uh...

I-I guess you do, uh, things differently

back there in Hanover, don't you, Wood?

America's Heartland.

Well, I don't know, I should have expected it.

I mean, the, uh, Clavins never fire blanks.

We're breeders, spawners.

My loins are brimming with vitality.

Well, I'll never eat again.

Anybody else?

Let's get your mother on the phone

and tell her about it, huh?

Get her down here, we'll have a little celebration.

There you go.

Good idea, Sammy.

But, uh...

What?

Could I, could I see you?

Well, uh, what do you think Cliffie will have-a boy, a girl?

Is there a third choice?

Sammy, you know,

I-I-I don't, uh, I don't think that's my baby.

Why not?

Oh, well, let's just say that, uh, you know,

sometimes studs know.

Remind me again how studs know.

Well, you know, sometimes studs just choose to...

well, you know, wait it out.

Cliff, you-you never actually had sex with Maggie, did you?

W-Well, that depends there, Sam.

Define sex.

Oh...

Now, you know, we, uh, we meant to,

but we just never really got around to it, there, Sam.

You, uh, still think I'm a stud though, don't you?

Oh, yes, of course I do.

More than ever, man, more than ever.

Yeah. You know, sometimes it takes, uh,

it takes a bigger stud, not to have sex.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know, man. I'm just trying to help you.

Work with me here, will you?

Aw, Sammy, I'm such a failure.

I feel so ashamed of myself.

No, no, don't do that, Cliff.

You know, uh, lots of people don't have sex on dates.

Hell, I've dated lots of women, never had sex with them.

That's kind of hard to believe there, Sammy.

You're not working with me here, Cliff.

Let's, uh... Wait a second.

I don't get something here.

Now, if it's not your kid,

how come Maggie's coming in here and calling you "Daddy"?

Uh, that's easy.

She's setting up a trap for me.

All right, put yourself in the frame of mind

of the female psyche.

Now, she goes off, gets herself pregnant,

looking for a husband, provider, best friend, lover.

Okay? First name on top of her wish list.

Cliff Clavin?

Bingo.

So, what do you think, Sam?

I mean, I-I don't know if I'm ready to get married or not.

Well, you don't have to. It's not your kid.

It's not your responsibility.

Yeah, but, you know, I was out there

in front of the guys braggin' about my sexual prowess.

Well, hell, they don't have to find out about this.

You know it's none of their business.

Well, yeah, but what do I tell them?

Tell them, uh, that you weighed the pros and cons,

and at this point in your life,

you don't feel like marriage is the right thing for you.

Hey, that's great, Sammy, great. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, stud handshake.

Uh, oh, well.. Oh! All right.

There you go.

Hey, uh, listen, Sam,

just to, uh, you know, set the record straight,

just 'cause I didn't have sex with Margaret,

uh, doesn't mean I haven't bagged my share of chicks.

No, I know that.

I know you do.

I'm a pretty sexy guy.

You know, women sort of pick up on that.

Yeah.

Want to know my secret?

Don't wear any underwear.

It's too restraining.

That's, that's super, man. Thank you.

Thank you for sharing that.

I've got a little announcement to make.

Margaret and I will not be getting married.

See, I've weighed the pros and the cons...

That's not your kid, is it?

Uh, no.

See I've weighed...

You and Maggie didn't do it, did you?

Well, no.

Look, I didn't tell you guys 'cause I didn't want you to,

you know, think any less of me.

Oh, I don't think that's actually possible, Cliff.

Thank you, big guy.

Hey, babe!

Your ship just came in!

The muse has visited Sy Flembeck.

Want to hear what she had to say?

Oh, boy, do I.

You know, I just love the whole creative process.

And I can be pretty creative myself.

Oh, yeah? Well, then why don't you be Sy Flembeck

and I'll be the annoying broad? How's that?

Go ahead.

All right.

"The Cheers Theme" by Sy Flembeck.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

What are you doing? That's all wrong!

First of all, "Cheers" is spelled with two E's.

Second, I paid you a lot of money

to come up with an original tune.

You don't need an original tune!

You want something that'll bore a hole

through the public's little pea brains.

But you are all hype and no substance!

I was mesmerized by your show business savvy.

You couldn't write a jingle to save your life.

Uh, hey, babe!

Come on! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

What is it, huh?!

What? What? The "Old MacDonald" melody?

Hey, I could change that.

Yeah, Sy Flembeck is nothing if he's not versatile.

All right, just a minute. Okay, okay, okay, I got it.

E! E! E-E!

Out.

What's the matter, babe?

You can't work with a man you're attracted to?

Oh, God! Out!

I'll be home all night.

The pay phone's just down the hall from my room.

God. Oh, what a hack.

You know, I, I should have known it

the first time I heard that stupid Fred's Tune up song.

Thanks a lot, lady, now I'm gonna have

that stupid jingle in my head all night.

What stupid jingle?

You know the one.

You know, I could use a tune-up.

Are they any good?

You heard the song. Tune-ups are their game.

Well, where are they located?

Sy!

Sy, wait a minute!!

Oh, Cliff, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Maggie. Thanks.

I'm sorry I was gone for so long.

I went out and had some pizza and ribs

and ice cream and pickles and chocolate.

Maybe it's Norm's kid.

Maggie, uh, I'd like to talk to you in private

for a few minutes.

Do you mind, uh, stepping, uh, this way, here?

Uh, Sammy, okay if we, uh,

use your office there, buddy?

Promise me you won't go through my drawers?

Yeah, okay, I won't.

That's what you said last time.

How many times can I say "I'm sorry"?

Here, have a seat there, Maggie.

Maggie,

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Maggie there's, uh, so much

I want to say to you and... so much you want to say

to me, and...

so...

Holy cow!

For a guy who's always crying poverty,

Sam Malone's doing pretty well for himself.

Cliff?

Oh, yeah.

You know, Maggie, I've been thinking.

And you and I both know that

that baby couldn't possibly be mine.

Aw, Maggie.

Cliff, I am so ashamed.

You're right. The baby isn't yours.

I just didn't know where else to turn.

Well, what happened, Maggie?

Well, um, up in Canada,

I met a man and fell in love.

And everything was perfect,

and we were gonna get married.

And then he got scared and called everything off.

And I didn't have anyone to turn to,

so of course, I thought of the most decent,

honourable man I know.

I'm sorry, Cliff.

You know, you...

you just run out on me, and you meet this guy,

get pregnant, and he dumps you,

and you come back

so old Cliff Clavin can take care of you, huh?

That's right, Cliff.

Can do.

What?!

I will marry you, Margaret!

Oh, thank you, Cliff!

Hey, here's a little-known fact:

I'm gonna be your daddy!

You know, this isn't exactly the way I, you know, dreamed about

starting a family there, Maggie, but, uh...

you know, I've always thought the world of you.

And I know that you'd do the same for me

if the situations were reversed.

But, Cliff, how could the...

Never mind.

All right. So, hey, look, here's what we do.

We, uh, skedaddle down to the City Hall,

make this thing legal, and we go over to my place,

sedate Ma and give her the good news.

Huh? Huh?!

Okay!

Oh, let me just call Jerry and tell him he's off the hook

so he won't worry about me anymore.

Uh, is it okay to use this phone to call long distance?

Oh, yeah, sure. I do it all the time.

Well, Sammy, champagne all around.

Hey!

Yeah, I decided to marry Margaret, you know,

make an honest woman of her

and, uh, raise her child as my own.

Oh, that's great.

Congratulations, Cliff.

I know you'll enjoy reaping the rewards of fatherhood.

Yeah, it's not like I'm not prepared.

I mean, I do own a copy of The Little Mermaid.

Well, let me be the first to propose a toast.

All right.

To the new father, Cliff Clavin.

To the new father!

Thank you, gentlemen.

Cliff.

Ha! Excuse me.

The old ball and chain.

Cliff, I just talked to Jerry.

I hope you told him that a real man

is going to, uh, take care of you and the baby?

He wants me back.

Beg your pardon?

He said he loves me.

He can't stand the thought of another man raising his child.

So, you're off the hook.

Aren't you happy?

Well, if you're happy.

I'm happy.

Well, then I'm happy. Yeah...

Uh, ladies and gentlemen.

Please, don't just sit there.

Raise your glasses in a toast to, uh,

Mother Margaret here and, uh, the new father, Jerry.

Jerry?

To Jerry.

Thanks, everyone.

Oh, uh-uh, Cliff, would you mind

giving me a ride to the bus station?

If I leave now, I can be there in 72 hours.

Yeah, sure.

I'm a little confused, Sam.

Well, Maggie's going back to Canada

to marry the, the father of her baby.

And Cliff was going to marry her,

but now he doesn't have to.

No, I mean about it taking 72 hours to get to Canada.

I thought it was much further than that.

You know, Cliff, in a way,

I'm a little disappointed that we're not getting married.

We'll never make love again.

Again?

Maggie, I think your memory is as, uh, faulty

as your birth control, uh...

We, we never actually did make love.

Sure we did. The night before I left.

Remember? You had those two wine coolers?

No kiddin'?

I-I thought I fell asleep.

You, you mean, you and I actually, uh...?

I don't remember.

Boy, that's something.

So, uh, how was I?

The truth, Cliff?

Naw.

You were great. Yeah!

Both times. Both times! Wow!

Wow! Whoo-hoo!