All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S04E12 - Castrating Sheep in Montana (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

I had a great dream
last night.

Really?
Yeah.

I dreamed I got locked
in a house made of donuts

and I had to eat my way out.

Interesting.

I had a similar dream,
only no house and no donuts.

Morning.

Morning.
Morning.

So, uh...

how'd everybody sleep?

Uncle Charlie and I
both had dreams about eating.

Mine was with donuts.
His was something dirty.

He's just guessing.

Good guess.

And yes, Alan, we
see your earring.

It's pretty cool, right?

Yeah, if you're going to a Wham!
concert with Molly Ringwald.

I think it's cool.
Thank you, Jake.

Can I get my ear pierced?
No.

Why not?

You can't keep
the holes you have clean.

And you're too young.

Wait till you're old, desperate,

and living
in your brother's house.

You can mock me all you want,

but there's a certain lady
who thinks it's darn sexy.

First of all, I don't need
permission to mock you...

but more importantly,

you let some broad talk you
into piercing your ear?

Actually, my ear wasn't
her first choice to pierce.

What else can you pierce?

Nothing.
Nothing.

Fine. Don't tell me.

I'll Google it.

Don't worry.

He can't
spell "pierce."

He can't spell "Google."

So, who's Princess Poke-a-Hole?

Just a nice young woman with
a sewing needle and a potato.

A potato?

Yeah, she, uh, she put it
behind my lobe,

sort of like a pincushion.

Oh. So you're a moron.

It's perfectly safe.

She sterilized the needle.

How?

With alcohol.

Okay, Kahlua.

Well, I guess I owe morons
an apology.

You do know that's the gay ear.

What?

Left ear says "I'm a hipster
from the disco era."

Right ear says...

(flamboyantly):
"Let's disco!"

No, no,
th-th-that can't be right.

Okay, don't believe me.

Hey, look who's finally
out of the closet.

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *

* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

Berta.

Yeah.
What are you doing?

Making your bed.

Well, I'd like
to take a nap.

Hop in. You can spoon me,
but it ends there.

Are you sick?

Yeah, I'm sick.

I'm sick of staying up all night
with a screaming baby

while my daughter's out trolling
the waterfront

for the father of her next one.

Whoa, that's rough.

Oh, don't feign interest
in my life, Charlie.

Sorry, I, I, I see
a woman in my bed,

I instinctively
start lying.

Close the door on your way out.

Okay.

No.

No, this is ridiculous.

Berta.
Get out.

Sleep tight.

(phone ringing)

Hello? Ow!

Uh, hello?

Oh, oh, hi.

Uh, no, no, it's, uh,
it's just a little tender.

I'm glad you called.
I, I missed you, too.

Yeah, yeah, last
night was fun.

(laughs)

You won't believe
who's in my bed.

Hang on.

I never do...

but I'm on the
phone right now.

Ow!

Ah... damn it.

Uh, listen, how
about tonight?

Oh, great, great.

The usual place?

All right, well,
see you then.

(chuckles)
Okay. B-Bye.

Berta's in my bed.

Really?

Couldn't you just pay her
in cash this week?

(chuckling)

Ow!

There are some things
we don't joke about.

Okay, so...

why is Berta
in your bed?

Apparently, her daughter's been
out partying every night

and Berta's been stuck
with the baby.

Oh, that's got to be rough.

Don't feign interest
in her life, Alan.

Sorry.

Oh, hey, hey, listen,
can you watch Jake tonight?

Why? You want to see if your
new lady friend can infect

other parts of your body?

It's not infected.

A certain amount of swelling
is perfectly normal.

Where'd it say that, Alan?

On the potato?

Are you at least going to
tell me who this woman is?

It's nobody you know.

Oh... so I know her.

I didn't say that.

You didn't have to.

Now let's see.

Who do I know that you'd
like to keep a secret?

You're wasting your time.

One of your ex-wives?

(scoffs)

Rose? Berta's
daughter?

(laughing):
Berta's daughter?

D-Don't be ridiculous.

Ha... ha-ha.

That's rich.

Ha, ha, ha!

* Men...

I'm tired.
Shouldn't I be in bed?

Shut up and deal.

Look, I'll give you back
the money I won.

You didn't win it
till we stop playing.

Now deal.

What's he doing up?

Not now, Alan.

I'm all in.

Jake, bed.

Hold on, Dad. Call ya.

Pocket aces.

What do you got?

You heard your father.
Go to bed.

He's been betting
on garbage all night.

You let a 12-year-old
beat you at poker?

He's 12 and a half.

What's going on
with your ear, Dumbo?

It's just a little swelling.

It's normal.

Better pierce the other one.

You don't want to be
flying around in circles.

It's fine.

Listen, th-there's something
I need to get off my chest.

If you don't see
a doctor soon,

it'll be your earlobe.

Are you going
to listen or what?
Sorry.

I'm all ears.
No, wait, that's you.

You know what? Forget about it.

No, no, no, no,
come on. Talk to me.
(sighs)

It's about the girl I'm dating.

Berta's daughter.

How didyou know?

Your idiot son doesn't
have a single tell,

but you I can read
like a stop sign.

Okay.

I was going to build up
to the big reveal, but I...

Just cut to the chase.

You remember how I had
a little crush on Naomi

when she was pregnant?

A little crush?

You were like a monkey
trying to hump a watermelon.

Are you going
to let me tell the story?

I'm just fact-checking.

Go ahead.

Anyway, after she had the baby,
we stayed in touch,

and I got to know her
and the baby and...

I'm starting to care
about both of them.

Aw, buddy, you got a heart
as big as your ear.

But you're falling into
the same trap you always do.

What's that?

You're a pathological
rescuer.

Ever since you're
a little kid,

bringing home that
stray three-legged cat.

Oh, yeah, Tippy.

And finding the
sick baby bird...

Mm.
...feeding it with
an eyedropper,

nursing it back to health.

Until Tippy ate it.

And it's the same
thing with women.

You constantly seek out
these damaged, needy broads.

You know, you're right.

Maybe subconsciously
I'm hoping

that if I save them,
they'll love me.

Perhaps.

Or subconsciously you realize
the only way

an emotionally healthy,
self-supporting woman

would pick you up is
on a scavenger hunt.

But... we digress.

Please continue with
your star-crossed love story.

Well, Naomi and I
have been sneaking around

behind Berta's back

and... I'm starting
to feel guilty about it.

You want my advice?

Live with the guilt
and see a doctor

before that thing
grows teeth.

But don't you think
the honorable thing

would be to tell Berta?

Sure, honorable's one way to go.

But may I remind you that
this is a woman who's been known

to lift the stove with one hand

in order to beat a mouse
to death with the other.

How much honor you think
that little fella had?

Oh... now you're
just being silly.

I mean, Berta's not going
to physically assault me.

I hope you're right.

I've grown to enjoy
these little talks.

* Men...

Why don't you just pay me
what you owe me?

I don't owe you till we're done.

Now throw the dice.

Oh, you just suck.

I wouldn't need a job
if I joined the Army.

You can't join
the Army.
Why not?

Because you already are
all that you can be.

You remember
my little burden Naomi.

Oh, sure, I remember her.
Hi.

She's got job
interviews
this afternoon.

I'm gonna watch the baby.

How are you going to work
and watch the baby?

Who said I was gonna work?

CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan.

Look who's here.

Oh. H-Hello.
Hi.

Um... Nancy, right?

Uh, Naomi.
Naomi. Naomi, sure.

(chuckling):
Been a long time.

Sure has.

And this must be
your baby.

Oh, isn't she cute?

Oh, thanks.

And there's
the proud grandma.

Look at her beaming.

Well, dip me in butter
and roll me in nuts.

I, too, am shocked.

So you're the
sleazeball

she's been running
around with.

Oh, Alan, how could you?

I-It's my fault, Mom.

Alan wanted to tell you.

No, no, it's,
it's my responsibility.

If you're gonna do anything,
do it to me.

Welcome to the family.

I made you breakfast.

Really?

Need to have your morning
tinkle first?

No, I'm okay.

Good.

I made all
your favorites:

scrambled egg whites,
turkey bacon,

rye toast no butter,
decaf coffee.

Well, thank you.

You eat like a 90-year-old
man with stomach cancer,

but I don't judge.

So...

what do you and my little girl
have planned for today?

Maybe a romantic
walk on the beach?

A cozy picnic?

I could pack you a lunch.

Uh, gee, Berta, I don't...

Or how about this?

I'll watch the baby

and you two can spend the
afternoon in bed gettin' sticky.

Ah, well, uh, as lovely
as that sounds,

I wasn't really planning
on seeing Naomi today.

Why not? What's wrong?

Oh, please don't tell me
there's something wrong.

I mean, you ain't much, but
you're the best she ever had.

No, no, nothing's wrong.

I just... I have to go
to work today.

Oh, right.

Silly me.

Naomi never dated anybody
with a job before.

At least not one
that's indoors and legal.

I understand.

Well, you let me know
if you need anything.

I will.

Ironing, groceries?

I could lance that ear for you.

Uh, no, thanks.

I know what I'm doin'.

I spent a summer castrating
sheep in Montana.

I'll keep that in mind.

Uh, but I think it's fine.

Okay.

You made an old lady
very happy, Alan.

I'm...

glad.

Bye-bye now.

Bye-bye.

Oh, I am so screwed.

Charlie?

I'm in the bathroom,
Alan.

Um...

I've got kind
of a delicate problem.

The antibiotics are
in my dresser drawer.

(toilet flushing)
No, no, it's, it's Berta.

She's being ridiculously nice
to me

and I'm afraid what might happen
if I break up with her daughter.

Oh, you can't break up
with her daughter.

Whaddya mean I can't break up
with her?

Well, I guess
you could, but...

So what am I
supposed to do,

marry Naomi just
to keep Berta happy?

You don't have
to marry her.

Just let the relationship
follow its natural course.

Natural course?

Think about it, Alan.

Any woman, given enough time,
will grow to loathe you.

My God, you're right.

So I just have to stick it out
with Naomi

until she hates my guts.

How long could it take?

BERTA:
Damn it.

Charlie, get your lazy ass out
of that bed.

Hello, bright eyes.

Hi.

I bagged you a lunch
to take to work.

No kidding.

Yeah.

I also tossed in a
packet of vitamin E.

Help you chalk up the
old pool cue for Naomi.

Thanks.

C'mere, gimme some sugar.

Mwah.

Oh, you are so screwed.

Here you go.

One hot chocolate
for the lactating mommy.

Thank you.

I see little Brittany Pam
is having the grande boobaccino.

Yeah,

and she's bitin' the straw.

Listen, you got any plans
for Saturday night?

I don't think so. Why?

Well, my mom wants to have a big
family dinner over at her place.

Family?

Uh, whose family?

You know, me, you, Jake,
Charlie, my mom, your mom.

Oh, oh.

Well, uh, that sounds like fun.

Doesn't it?
Yeah.

Yeah, unfortunately,
I'm busy this Saturday.

But you just said...

I misspoke.

Oh, I get it.

I'm not good enough
to meet your mother.

Oh, no, no, no,
I'm, I'm just, uh,

I'm concerned about the baby.

Why?

Oh, boy, uh, I was hoping I
wouldn't have to tell you this,

but my mother...

feeds on the souls of the young.

Okay, just forget it.

Oh, come on,
Naomi, I mean,

don't you think a family
dinner's pushing things

a little too fast?

Too fast?
You weren't worried

about things going too fast
on our first date

when you chewed
through my nursing bra.

In my defense, I didn't
know about the flaps.

Well, I thought that
you were different.

I am different.
Ask anybody.

They'll tell ya,
Alan's different.

No, no, no, you're not.

You're just like all the rest.

Flirtsy, squirtsy
and then arriva-dirtsy.

Naomi, I didn't mean...
Well, I'm not that

kind of girl anymore.

I'm a mama now and I demand
to be treated with respect!

Sweetie, sweetie,
calm down.

I do respect you.

I just thought the dinner
was a little premature.

Premature?

You weren't worried about being
premature on our first date

when you ruined
a perfectly good sweater!

You know what? You know what?

Saturday's fine.

Dinner sounds great.
We'll be there.

Yeah, damn right
you'll be there.

What you never seen a screamin'
woman with a bare boob?

This is just mortifying.

Mom.

It's one thing to diddle
the help, Alan.

It's another thing
to dine with them.

Jake, are you listening
to your iPod?

No.
Well, start.

Naomi is not the help.

Oh, forgive me.

She's the maid's
round-heeled daughter.

I mean, I'd expect this
from Charlie.

He'd hump
a grilled cheese sandwich.

Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome, darling.

And what, pray, is going
on with your ear?

Uh, it's fine.

It looks like
a cherry tomato.

His lady friend thinks
it's "darn sexy."

Well, don't worry.

I'm guessing you won't
be the only one

at the table tonight
with a raging infection.

It's not infected.

It's got a pulse, Alan.

Look, Mom, there
is no reason

to look down your
nose at Naomi.

She and her mother are
decent, hard-working,

salt-of-the-Earth people.

Well, pardon me.

You know, it's tacky
to arrive empty-handed.

Perhaps we should stop

and pickup a box of wine
or some aerosol cheese.

Oh, Mom, you're on fire tonight.

It's the new meds.

They mix well with liquor.

Oh, this was a bad idea.

Charlie, didn't you tell him
that's the gay ear?

This is some
nice flatware.

I, I gave this same pattern
to Charlie for his birthday.

Yeah, he gave it to me.

Next year,
he wants a roasting pan.

You gave away
my flatware?

To be fair, Mom,
I gave it to you.

So, Berta, nice house.

When do we take the tour?

Have you been to the can yet?

Yeah.

You took it.

Oh, okay.

I wanna make a toast.

Oh, good, a reason to drink.

To Naomi and Alan.

Thank God they found each other.

'Cause, let's face it, they were
both running out of options.

Hear, hear.
Hang on, hang on.

Uh, I'd like to propose
an addendum to the toast,

uh, a subordinate clause
if you will.

Uh, while Naomi and I are
enjoying each other's company,

we, uh, we are proceeding

in a very slow
and cautious manner.

Except when we're having sex.

Time and place, Naomi.

Time and place.

Yeah, well, I wish you'd spend
a little more time

and aim for the right place.

Oh, God, just kill me now.

Jake?

Headphones?
Thataboy.

Excuse me, uh...

I'd like to say a few words

before we fold up
the dining room table

and commence the square dancing.

Alan, you're my son
and I love you.

But you and I are through.

What?

I just can't bear it anymore.

I have to cut you loose.

Is that all it takes?

Hey, Berta, you got
any other daughters?

(knocking)

HECTOR:
Naomi? Are you in there?!

Hector?

Go away! Nobody's home!

Mom!

If that loser steps one foot
inside this house,

I'm gettin' out my nail gun.

Oh, wonderful, we're gonna be
on an episode of Cops.

What are you doing here?

I've come to see my daughter.

Is that her?
What do you care?

You ran off.
No, I didn't
run off, mija.

I couldn't get back
across the border.

They're crackin' down
'cause of these damn Arabs.

Why didn't you call me?

I did call.

Didn't your mother
give you my messages?

Whoops.

Oh, Hector,
I've missed you so much.

I missed you too.

Alan.

Yeah?

Your relationship has run
its natural course.

She doesn't hate me yet.
She, she's just like...

A toast to Hector and Naomi.

May their love last forever.

Salud.
Hear, hear.

What's with your ear?

I'm gay.

Berta?

Don't bother me, Charlie.

I had a hard night.

If you're so tired, why
don't you just stay home?

Are you kidding?

Hector invited his entire
family over to see the baby.

It's like the Alamo
over there.

Well, for the record,

I didn't get
any sleep either.

Halfway home
Alan's ear blew up

and we had to take him
to the emergency room.

Is he okay?

Yeah, they were able
to save the lobe,

but I don't think
anyone's gonna call it

the gay ear anymore.

Huh.

Well, sweet dreams.

You too.