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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,404
* Joy to the world
2
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:06,540
* I'm getting laid
3
00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:11,312
* I'm getting laid tonight
4
00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,483
* We'll light the Yule log,
deck the halls *
5
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:19,153
* And then we'll play
some jingle balls *
6
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:22,456
* It's been a real long wait
7
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:26,327
* This is our second date
8
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:34,402
* It's Christmas Eve
and I'm getting laid. *
9
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,973
Hey, I'm mixing up
the eggnog.
10
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,311
You want this broad lit up
or just slightly glowing?
11
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:47,481
Well, let's see, we're
celebrating peace on Earth
12
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,350
and goodwill towards
all mankind,
13
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,152
so let's get her plowed.
14
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,321
Hallelujah.
15
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,326
* Glo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
16
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:02,430
* Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-
oh-ria *
17
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:07,101
* Tonight I'm boinking Gloria
18
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,070
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
19
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:13,441
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
20
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:16,377
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
21
00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,479
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
22
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:21,081
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
23
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:24,185
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
24
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:28,556
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
25
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:40,801
* Two drunk twins...
26
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:45,439
* And a lap dance
in a pear tree. *
27
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,811
Merry Christmas,
Uncle Charlie.
28
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:53,080
Oh, right, the other part
of Christmas.
29
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:54,282
Go ahead, open it.
30
00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:57,618
Hold on. Let me give you
your gift first.
31
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:59,753
Don't want you think
I forgot you.
32
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,425
A hundred bucks? Wow!
33
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:07,428
Picked it out myself.
34
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,129
Now open yours.
35
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,465
Okay.
36
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,301
This is kind
of exciting.
37
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,107
"Fart in a Can"?
38
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:23,811
You don't have one, do you?
39
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:28,115
Well, I've got you.
40
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,083
But this is good for travel.
41
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:32,820
Jake, I just talked
to your mom.
42
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,455
She's going to be
here any minute.
43
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,856
Don't look at
Uncle Charlie's gift.
44
00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,124
You're getting the same thing.
45
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:39,860
Oh, boy, I'm excited.
46
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,595
Don't be.
47
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,531
Speaking of gifts...
48
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,500
Merry Christmas.
49
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,502
I'll leave it up to you.
50
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,471
You can open it tomorrow
morning at your mom's, or...
51
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:56,143
you can rip it open with your
teeth like a rabid jackal.
52
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:59,213
You got me the new Nintendo?!
53
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,048
It's from Uncle Charlie, too.
54
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,517
You owe me $125.
55
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,519
But I just...
56
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:07,855
This is so cool!
Thanks, Dad!
57
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,089
Thanks, Uncle Charlie!
58
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:11,058
Yeah, yeah, merry Christmas.
59
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,793
I'm going to go hook it up.
60
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,595
No, no, no, you're leaving.
61
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:18,266
Your Uncle Charlie's
hooking up.
62
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,867
You're leaving too, right?
63
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,134
Yes, relax.
64
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,903
I plan on spending
Christmas Eve
65
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,238
at a movie theater
all by myself
66
00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:25,939
just so you can have
sex tonight.
67
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:28,075
You can have sex, too.
68
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,943
Just pick the right
movie theater.
69
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,545
(doorbell ringing)
70
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,248
Jake, time to go.
71
00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:37,184
Take some paper towels
and don't wear your suede shoes.
72
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:43,724
Ho, ho, ho.
73
00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,626
That's another option.
74
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,730
BOTH:
Merry Christmas.
75
00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,198
Merry Christmas.
Come on in.
76
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:52,766
Hey, merry Christmas,
Charlie.
77
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,202
Yes, swell. I'll go get the kid.
78
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:57,237
Ooh, eggnog.
79
00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,307
Honey, we've got
a long drive ahead of us.
80
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,174
We're spending the holidays
in San Diego with my parents.
81
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,277
That's why I need eggnog.
82
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,946
Hey, I spent Thanksgiving
with your parents.
83
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,115
Oh, really? Your mom's
out of rehab?
84
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,984
Yes, my mom's out
of rehab.
85
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,987
Actually, she kind
of jumped the fence.
86
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,856
Well, the woman's going
to be your mother-in-law--
87
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,725
you might as well
get used to it.
88
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,628
Remember the time she rode out
of Betty Ford on a lawnmower?
89
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:25,699
On the plus side, she bakes
Toll House cookies
90
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,301
with walnuts and Demerol.
91
00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,172
Stuff never goes back in
the box the way it came out.
92
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,575
It's a life lesson, Jake.
93
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:37,177
Come on, your mom's here.
94
00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:38,211
Vamoose.
95
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,316
Okay, table's set
on the deck
96
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:44,685
and dinner's in
the oven.
Great.
97
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,854
You might want to keep the
candles away from the eggnog.
98
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,356
Got it.
99
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:51,024
All right then,
I'm leaving now.
100
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,193
Good-bye and thanks.
101
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:55,028
Yeah, merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
102
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:58,298
All the best.
Same to you.
103
00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:02,670
Give me my bonus,
you blockhead.
104
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,040
Oh, right.
105
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,644
Thank you for all
your hard work.
106
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,819
Couldn't get along
without you.
107
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,358
You're one in a million.
108
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,963
Really?
109
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,032
What would Jesus do?
110
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,639
Herb?
111
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:39,640
Oh, no thanks.
I'm driving.
112
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:40,874
I'll have some.
113
00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,176
No, you won't.
It's for grownups.
114
00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,344
I'll have another.
115
00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,213
Sweetie, my parents
are waiting.
116
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,080
I know, dear.
117
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:51,151
Apple doesn't fall far
from the tree, does it?
118
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,923
Okay, merry Christmas to all,
119
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:59,092
and to all, a good-bye.
120
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,394
Hang on.
121
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,162
I've got a long bus ride,
122
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,264
and I don't want to sober up
halfway home.
123
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,332
KANDI:
Hello?
124
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,100
Kandi?
125
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,669
What are you
doing here?
126
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,438
I didn't want to be alone
on Christmas Eve
127
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,339
and I didn't know
where else to go.
128
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,041
Where's your new boyfriend?
129
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,276
He decided to spend Christmas
with his family.
130
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,011
Why didn't he
bring you along?
131
00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:21,214
He thought it would make
his wife uncomfortable.
132
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:24,452
Oh. Sweetie,
come on in.
133
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:25,886
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
134
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,087
I've got company coming,
remember?
135
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,321
I can't just throw
her out, Charlie.
136
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,257
How do you know
if you don't try?
137
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,760
Lighten up,
it's Christmas.
138
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:36,196
Okay, two minutes, and then I
bring out the Fart in a Can.
139
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:43,303
ALAN:
You remember Judith.
Hi, Judith.
140
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:45,338
And this is her
fiancé, Herb.
141
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,974
Hi, Herb.
Hi.
142
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,408
ALAN:
Here, let me
take your coat.
143
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,715
Oh, my golly.
144
00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:58,085
Well, I guess we should
get going.
145
00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,287
What's the hurry?
146
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:01,989
Your parents are
waiting, remember?
147
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:05,726
What do you care?
They don't like you anyway.
148
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,894
Eggnog?
149
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:07,928
Thank you.
150
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,329
You're welcome.
151
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,098
I'm a doctor.
152
00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,066
A real one or like Alan?
153
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:16,203
I'm a pediatrician.
154
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,305
Wow, so you're into feet.
155
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,474
No, children.
156
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,476
Isn't that illegal?
157
00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:26,914
Berta, don't you have
a bus to catch?
158
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,982
And miss this show?
Are you nuts?
159
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,285
Feliz Navidad, everyone!
160
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:36,624
Ooh, I didn't see
that one coming.
161
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:39,026
Mom, what are
you doing here?
162
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,160
I was on my way to a party,
163
00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:41,762
thought I'd
drop off your gifts
164
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,363
so that I don't have to schlep
back here tomorrow
165
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,364
and mess up my day.
166
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,366
ROSE:
Charlie?
167
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,101
Rose?!
168
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,638
How could you have a Christmas
party and not invite me?
169
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,773
This isn't a Christmas party.
170
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:53,874
Well, what do you call it?
171
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,743
The beginning of a news story
172
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,410
that ends with the phrase,
173
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,913
"He then turned
the gun on himself.
174
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,449
All right, all right,
everybody listen up.
175
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:03,483
Listen to me.
176
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:06,019
There is no party.
177
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,822
You all have to leave now
because a beautiful woman
178
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,691
is coming over and I intend
to get her drunk
179
00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,825
and have sex with her.
180
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,927
WOMAN:
That's a good plan.
181
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:18,699
Except I'm already drunk.
182
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:23,837
Boy, I can't wait
till the second act.
183
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,274
* Men...
184
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,613
More fuel for the fire.
185
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,281
You said you were going home.
186
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,784
Well, that was before I knew
you were having a party.
187
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,451
This isn't a party.
188
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,988
It's just a bunch of people
I don't like
189
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,657
standing around drinking
my booze.
190
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,993
Oh, crap, it is a party.
191
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,327
Give me that.
192
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,400
Love to know that those two
are talking about.
193
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:54,334
I could tell you.
194
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:55,402
I read lips.
195
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:58,405
Really?
Yep.
196
00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,907
Right now your date
197
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,408
is saying
198
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:05,746
"The wily ostrich
sank my boat."
199
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,918
I have a little congestion
in my upper chest.
200
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,485
Can you take a look at it?
201
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,021
Oh, well, I could...
202
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,924
Kandi, he's a pediatrician.
He only treats children.
203
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,325
Now hold on.
204
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,794
There's no actual age limit.
205
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,397
I took an oath to ease
suffering wherever I find it.
206
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:26,967
Alan, a word.
207
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,703
Oh, good... a word.
208
00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:34,041
I don't have
my stethoscope,
209
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,677
so why don't you just
breathe in and out for me.
210
00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:41,581
Make this stop.
211
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:44,752
I'm sorry. I don't know
what you're talking about.
212
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,386
Don't screw with me.
213
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,856
Tell your ex-wife to stop
flirting with my fiancé.
214
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,490
Gee, that's funny.
215
00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:51,959
The way I see it,
216
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,762
your peanut butter is
all over my chocolate.
217
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:57,430
Damn it, Alan, I can
make your life a living hell.
218
00:09:57,497 --> 00:10:00,634
How would I know
the difference?
219
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:03,136
Cough again.
220
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,138
Once more.
221
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,008
Let's have a little pow-wow.
222
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:11,078
She might have a touch
of the croup.
223
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,046
Listen, Herb...
So you were married
to her?
224
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,815
Yes, we were married.
225
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,917
Judith is getting
really upset with you.
226
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,486
So you got to see
her naked?
227
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,054
Stay with me, Herb.
228
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,090
Your fiancée is
very angry.
229
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,092
Really? How come?
230
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,027
Oh, I don't know,
maybe it's because
231
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,096
you were trying use
Kandi's nipple as a Q-tip.
232
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,064
It's okay, I'm a doctor.
233
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,733
Just do yourself
a favor--
234
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,535
go pay attention
to Judith.
235
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,470
All right.
236
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,975
Some party, huh?
237
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,912
Yeah, I'm glad I didn't waste
this buzz on the bus.
238
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,681
Here comes your mom.
239
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,917
Act like you didn't
know what they were saying.
240
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,051
Charlie, I must
talk to you.
241
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,687
I know. Why is that?
242
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:56,690
How serious is your
relationship with Gloria?
243
00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,158
Not that it's any
of your business,
244
00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,592
but this is our
second date.
245
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,161
What happened on the first date?
246
00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:03,096
They went out to dinner,
he took her home
247
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,098
and they made out
a little bit in the car.
248
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,735
Oh, I'm sorry, did
you want to tell it?
249
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,103
So, you haven't slept together?
250
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:10,971
Not yet.
251
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,807
Oops. There I go again.
252
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,843
That's good. Uh, darling,
253
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,911
you need to end
this relationship now.
254
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,146
Why?
255
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:21,982
Do you trust me?
256
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,818
ALL:
No.
257
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,519
Okay, but you know I have
258
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,121
your best interests
at heart, don't you?
259
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,990
ALL:
No.
260
00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:32,993
All right, then,
let me put it this way.
261
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:36,063
I forbid you to see
this woman any more.
262
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,497
You forbid?
263
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,132
What gives you
the right to forbid?
264
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,633
I'm 39 years old.
265
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,035
I'm your mother. You're 40.
266
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:45,005
And you must not see
this woman anymore!
267
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,474
Mom, you know that just
makes me want her more.
268
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,976
Charlie, I mean it.
269
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,710
I'm getting hotter.
270
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:54,748
Look, I know certain things
about Gloria's past
271
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:57,184
which are, well, unsavory.
272
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,186
Okay, I'm going supernova.
273
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,955
Would you listen to me?
274
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,925
If you continue
to see this woman,
275
00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:06,894
it will hurt me, deeply.
276
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,830
I may have to marry this girl.
277
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:10,964
Okay. Okay.
278
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:13,100
You give me no choice.
279
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:14,768
Who are you calling?
280
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,736
It's probably
about the ostrich in the boat.
281
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,540
Charlie, I'm getting
pretty drunk,
282
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:24,244
so if you like a girl who moves,
you better do me soon.
283
00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:25,946
Follow me.
284
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:29,749
Ah... isn't that sweet?
285
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:32,986
Every time a guy has sex,
an angel gets a stiffy.
286
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,624
Would you look at them?
287
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,127
Oh, I completely forgot
about the subplot.
288
00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,296
What do you want me
to do, Judith?
289
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,198
He's your man. You want him?
Fight for him.
290
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,867
How can I
compete with that?
291
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:47,600
There's no competition.
292
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,002
Herb loves you.
293
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:51,038
You have a mature,
sophisticated relationship
294
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,739
based on mutual respect.
295
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,174
All Kandi has is...
296
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,611
There'll be other men.
297
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:01,581
Just get here
as soon as you can.
298
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,851
Where's Charlie?
299
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:06,686
Damn it!
300
00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,121
Oh, I get it.
301
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:09,990
It's like Tony and
Tina's Wedding.
302
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,558
You gotta follow
them around.
303
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:14,995
Hey. Mommio. Daddio.
304
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,229
Hi, buddy.
305
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,198
Mommio. Daddio, Daddio.
306
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:21,701
Mommio, Mommio. Daddio...
307
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,906
Stop!
308
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,140
Mom!
309
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,176
Get out of that bed
this instant!
310
00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:32,179
I don't think
that's a good idea.
311
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,114
Charlie, I'm
warning you.
312
00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:37,250
You can't tell him what
to do-- he's 34 years old.
313
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,618
He's what?
314
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:39,987
She's drunk.
315
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,256
Mom, what are
you doing here?
316
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,059
I'm trying to keep you from
making a horrible mistake.
317
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,594
What do you care?
318
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,029
I make this mistake
on a regular basis.
319
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:50,898
Some might call it
a lifestyle.
320
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,966
Charlie...
I don't want
to hear it.
321
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,801
I came up here to do a job.
322
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,169
Actually, two jobs
and a chore.
323
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:59,606
Now, you can stay and watch,
324
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,875
which I don't recommend,
or you can leave.
325
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:05,345
Either way, Gloria and I
are going to have sex.
326
00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:10,117
Go ahead.
327
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,320
Okay, I'm bluffing.
328
00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,857
He sure is.
329
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:23,330
(playing "Heart and Soul")
330
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,999
* Jingle bells, jingle bells
331
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,935
* Jingle all the way
332
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:32,339
* Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh *
333
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,908
* Jingle bells,
jingle bells... *
334
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:37,110
Have you seen Jake?
Nope.
335
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,011
Huh.
336
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,387
Jake?
337
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:48,855
HERB:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
338
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,991
Judith! What the hell
are you doing?
339
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,292
You told me to
fight for my man.
340
00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:53,961
I'm fighting
for my man.
341
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:57,030
HERB:
Alan, would you please
close the door?
342
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,201
Sorry.
343
00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:05,438
12 years of marriage, she never
fought for me from that angle.
344
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,874
(Kandi playing same tune)
345
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:12,145
* Silent night
346
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:16,249
* Holy night...
347
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,318
Kandi?
Yeah?
348
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,120
Take a break.
Okey-doke.
349
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,989
(doorbell rings)
350
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,429
Hello.
351
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:30,998
Oh, my goodness.
352
00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,465
Are you Alan?
353
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:33,766
Uh, yes.
354
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,702
I haven't seen you in 35 years.
355
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:39,239
No kidding. I'm sorry,
I don't remember you.
356
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:40,740
Well, I'm not surprised.
357
00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,009
At the time you were busy
358
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,410
learning to use
the big-boy potty.
359
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,345
Ah. Well.
360
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:47,280
I did it.
361
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,351
Good job.
362
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,487
Uh, listen, Alan, I'm
looking for my daughter.
363
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,356
Drunk blonde?
364
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:59,726
Well, she isn't
always blonde.
365
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,829
Upstairs.
366
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,497
Thank you.
367
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:05,999
You know,
368
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:09,002
you turned out to be
a very attractive man.
369
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,070
Um, thank you.
370
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,005
Coulda gone either way.
371
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:15,042
Lucky you grew
into those ears.
372
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:19,112
(playing same tune)
373
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,881
* Frosty the Snowman
374
00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:25,152
* Was a very jolly soul
375
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:29,322
* With a corncob pipe
and a button nose *
376
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,859
* And two eyes
made out of coal... *
377
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,194
Damn it, Charlie,
you don't know what
378
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:35,862
you're getting into here.
379
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,265
Oh, I think I have
a pretty good idea.
380
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,333
I mean, what could you possibly
tell me about Gloria
381
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,402
that would get me
to kick her out of bed?
382
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,771
She's married? Clinically
insane? She's a man?
383
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,005
You're not a
man, are you?
Nope.
384
00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:47,840
Then we're good.
385
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,376
Gloria, get out
of that bed.
386
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,377
Mom?
387
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,379
"Mom"?
388
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,546
Well, did you tell them?
389
00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,448
I tried, but I couldn't.
Why not?
390
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,450
What do you mean, why
not? Why do you think?
391
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,786
Oh, so, as usual, I have
to do your dirty work.
392
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:00,887
You can't sleep with him
393
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,289
because he might
be your brother.
394
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,493
There, was that so hard?
395
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,962
It's certainly not hard for
someone who has no shame.
396
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,399
Says the woman who
killed my husband.
397
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,000
I did not kill Sherman.
398
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:15,902
I made Sherman happy.
399
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,004
Excuse me, excuse me.
Hold on. Hold on.
400
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:21,274
Can we go back to the part
where I may be her brother?
401
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,875
Oh, dear Lord,
has the blood
402
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,544
not returned
to your brain yet?
403
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,079
It was the '70s.
404
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,880
We were young,
attractive couples
405
00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,349
and there was
a gas shortage
406
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,551
so we had to
"entertain" at home.
407
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,553
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
408
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:37,090
Are you saying you
and her husband...?
409
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:40,093
Yes, and she and
your father.
410
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,894
Blame OPEC.
411
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,532
It started with a
weekly fondue party,
412
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:48,435
but one night the dipping
didn't stop at cheese.
413
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,939
Unfortunately, some of
us couldn't handle it.
414
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:55,175
You did unspeakable
things with Sherman
415
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,144
and then he wanted
to do them with me.
416
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,011
Oh, nonsense.
417
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,847
I just raised
the bar a bit.
418
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,215
Raised the bar?
419
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,151
Do you have any idea how
many third-world countries
420
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,585
that man visited trying
to find someone else
421
00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,053
who would do those things?
422
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,021
Oh, he didn't
have to go abroad.
423
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,323
He was just looking
for a bargain.
424
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,024
If it weren't for you
425
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,994
he would never have contracted
amoebic dysentery and died.
426
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:17,897
I hate to interrupt,
but I'm still trying
427
00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,900
to process the
"I'm her brother" thing.
428
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,135
Mmm.
429
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,604
Not the shiniest penny
in the roll, is he?
430
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,072
All right.
431
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,974
I guess I better
spell it out for you.
432
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,009
Based on the amount
of time that elapsed
433
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:33,146
between the last fondue party
and Gloria's birth,
434
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,014
and not to mention
the fact that Sherman
435
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:38,185
lost interest in
traditional sex with me...
436
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,619
Thank you very much.
437
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:43,022
There is the very real
possibility
438
00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:45,192
that your father
may be her father.
439
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,026
Oh, my God.
Wow.
440
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,229
So you can see why a
tryst of this nature
441
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,030
is completely
unacceptable.
442
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:54,201
It's not like we couldn't
have foreseen this,
443
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,903
given that your son has spent
the bulk of his adult life
444
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,472
humping his way through
the greater Los Angeles area.
445
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,511
Oh, and like this booze-addled
tart is an innocent victim.
446
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,214
Hey, I'm drunk, not deaf.
447
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,116
Just get out of bed
and get dressed.
448
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,653
Well, that
was humiliating.
449
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,522
Just be glad we didn't
have to tell them
450
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,156
about our little experiment.
451
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:18,358
EVELYN:
Don't remind me.
452
00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,126
Oh, you loved it.
453
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,429
Oh, a third-act twist.
454
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:26,032
Wow.
455
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:27,700
Yeah.
456
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:31,037
I am so horny right now
I can't believe it.
457
00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:32,639
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
458
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:36,576
Did you miss what just
went down here... Sis?
459
00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:39,679
Oh, come on. It's not like
we're gonna get married
460
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,014
and have a bunch
of web-footed kids..
461
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:46,419
You have absolutely no
boundaries, do you?
462
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:50,223
Well... I don't
like fat guys.
463
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:54,026
Interesting.
464
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:57,364
Turns out...
I draw the line at incest.
465
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,567
So you'd do a fat guy?
466
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,104
Do you hear that?
467
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,673
Charlie found
his boundary.
468
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,375
It's a miracle.
469
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,142
A Christmas miracle.
470
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:23,656
Judith, can I just say that this
was the best Christmas ever.
471
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,359
Yeah, well,
don't get used to it.
472
00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,661
"'Twas the night
before Christmas
473
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,263
"And all through the house
474
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,399
Not a creature was stirring..."
475
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,401
(vomiting)
476
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:38,738
Okay, just so we're clear.
477
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:41,308
We are only doing this
to piss off my mom?
478
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:43,376
You have a problem with that?
479
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:48,180
No, that makes it better.
32978
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