Original subtitles

- All right, Jacob, this will just be a little pinch and-

- No.

- Oh, uh, sorry, but when you step on a rusty nail,

you gotta get a tetanus shot.

- I don't want it.

- Uh, Mom, Dad, Jacob says he doesn't want the shot.

- Yes, and we have to respect that.

- Right. [chuckles]

Uh, we do? - Our son has body autonomy.

- Uh, all right, well, I'll just holster this

till you're ready, partner.

Ow! Okay. Ow.

It's all right. Didn't break skin.

You know what?

I did break skin, but no tetanus for me.

Nice.

We'll just hang, figure it out, and-oh.

All right.

[upbeat music]

? ?

Hey, could you guys note on Jacob's chart

that he has, uh, body autonomy?

I don't know if that's genetic or what, but, um, yeah, thanks.

- Sure.

I didn't know Matt wore glasses.

- Yeah, he said he slept in his contacts.

They look nice, though.

- He looks hot, like a cute professor.

- Yeah, he's like a boy Velma.

And I'm into it.

- [chuckles] Matt's kind of a snack.

[both chuckle] Right, Serena?

- I don't know about snack.

I mean, it's just eyewear.

- Holy moly.

Have you guys seen Matt in glasses?

Ay, chihuahua.

- I know, right?

Maybe I'll make a move at happy hour tonight.

- Ooh, yes.

You gotta.

- Bruce, chill.

- You chill.

Holly's life sucks, okay?

This could be huge for her. - What?

- Holly, focus. This is it!

You gotta shoot your shot.

- Go get that farm boy D.

- Oh, my God, stop.

- Your babies would be so cute.

- Yes! - Guys, come on.

It's just glasses.

- We don't agree with you, okay?

We all don't agree with you.

[laughing] Oh, my God.

I think this is, like, the first time

I've noticed his face.

- Hey, Joyce. You wanted to chat?

Wow, okay. What are we doing?

- Uh... [singsongy] Multitasking.

You know, between the birthing center,

planning a wedding, and, oh, yeah, running a hospital,

I gotta fit in my steps wherever I can.

Walk with me.

- Oh, uh, do you mean just stand here while you walk or-

- Give it some movement so I don't get motion sickness.

[phone buzzes]

Ah, the electrician is on her way.

Female electrician- very progressive.

- Huh.

- I trust her about 5% less, but that's on me.

- Uh, Joyce, what is a Smonday?

- Oh.

[treadmill beeps]

Smonday is the night between Sunday and Monday.

And if I use my time wisely,

then I'm free and clear for Muesday.

- Okay. Makes sense.

- Come here, you. - Whew.

Sweaty. [chuckles]

- Alex, you are like a daughter to me.

Not my daughter, somebody else's.

But still, I would be so happy if you would be

part of my wedding to Sanderson.

- Oh...[chuckles]

Joyce, I would be honored.

That's so kind. Thank you.

Yes, yes. [laughs] Yeah.

- Thank God, because there are a lot of details,

and I need a type A stickler like you.

- Oh, so like a wedding planner?

- No, that's a job.

This is an honor, like you said.

- Hey, guys, any tips on tricking a little kid

into doing something they don't wanna do?

- Uh, here's a tip.

Don't phrase it like that, you perv.

- Oh, uh, there's this kid in 104

who refuses to take his shot.

- You just made your first mistake

by ceding power to a kid.

- He just really doesn't wanna take the shot.

- Yeah, but he really needs the shot.

Now, I know your favorite food is fish sticks,

but you're the adult in the room.

- They're fish strips.

And I-I just don't think that kid

respects the adult-child dynamic.

- Matt, I have seen it all.

I have dealt with biters, pinchers,

screamers, manipulators.

Guess who always winds up on top.

- Biters? - No, Matt, me.

Come on. Let's go stab a child.

- Okay.

- Oh, isn't it wild?

The new St. Denis power couple, Matt and Holly.

Oh, we could call them Molly.

We'd have to change Molly's name, but I'm fine with that.

- No one's calling them Molly. - No?

What about Hatt? But then what do we call hats?

I guess we call them Mollys.

[chuckling] I mean, I'm just excited.

- I don't know, Matt with Holly?

Just seems kind of random.

- Oh, okay. Secret Holly hater.

What is it, her voice, her hair,

the way she pronounces "expecially"?

- No. Holly's fine.

I just don't see Matt going for her.

- Huh, interesting.

Okay, uh, Sharice?

- For Matt?

- Oh, okay.

So you'd prefer Matt to go for, like, more of a Serena type?

- What? No.

Not what I'm saying at all.

- So just to recap, when Matt was crushing on you,

you weren't interested, but now that Holly wants him,

it's "hands off my man."

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Very "Vampire Diaries."

- Oh, my God.

Stop trying to get me to watch that show.

- [sighs]

- No, I don't care if Matt gets with Holly.

I just don't see them as a match.

If I see a pelican dating a hippo and I go, that's weird,

it's because it's weird.

It doesn't mean I wanna [bleep] the hippo.

That sounded weird.

- Okay, so first thing on the to-do list,

we need to decide, uh, DJ or band.

- Oh, uh, Sanderson said that DJs

weren't around during Viking times.

- Sorry, why is that relevant?

- Oh, that's our theme.

Sanderson wanted a Norse Viking wedding.

- Is he part Viking?

- No. No, he just likes them.

- And-and that theme's like, locked in, then?

- Yes.

Uh, this was one of Sanderson's nonnegotiables,

along with Chaplain Steve officiating

and a no-elderly policy.

Plus, we already got our engagement photos taken.

- Oh, wow.

That-look at that.

That's so beautiful. - Mm-hmm.

- Why is he-why is he digging?

- Oh, he's burying an offering to the land spirits.

We didn't have a whole goat, so, you know,

we just used some old hot wing bones.

- Sure. I think that was smart.

At the hospital, Joyce is a headstrong woman.

But sometimes in relationships, we have trouble

asserting ourselves, and we need an advocate,

like how I had Serena tell Tim he had to stop

wearing bowling shirts.

It had to happen.

That was not the man I married.

Um, Joyce, isn't there anything that you want?

- Eh, I had some ideas.

You know, my family's lake house would have been nice

or a spring wedding.

But Sanderson's doing all the heavy lifting,

so who am I to argue?

- You're the bride.

- According to Sanderson, bride captive

.

- Okay, Jacob, the doctor is in.

Now, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna roll up that sleeve-

- You're in my bubble space.

- Oh, let's be polite, Jacob.

But yeah, you were in his bubble space.

- I'm in his what?

- We respect Jacob's bodily autonomy.

There's a bubble of space around him

that he's in charge of.

- You have one too. - Okay.

Mom, Dad, you wanna hold him down

so we can knock out this shot?

- Oh, we're really not okay with that.

We've decided on a gentle parenting approach.

- Well, you can hold him down gently if you like.

He may buck.

- That's not the way it works anymore.

- Seems like Jacob's in charge,

so you might wanna go through him.

- I'm so excited to be working with you guys.

This wedding is gonna be fire.

Did you get a chance to look over my website?

- Oh, yeah.

We'd like to go with the Amore package.

- Smart.

You save a lot by bundling vows,

personal anecdotes, and roast-style jokes.

- Oh, I'm not, uh, sure that we wanna be, you know,

roasting anybody at the wedding.

Is that right, Joyce? - Hmm? Whatever.

- I mean, I could let you preview the jokes

before the day, but you'd have to upgrade

to my all-access tier, Amore Plus.

- Ooh!

Then we can bank more Amore points.

They roll over, right? [phone buzzing]

- Sorry, roll over into what?

- Well, the wrong I-9s were sent to the entire department.

This is a disaster.

- [laughs] The rat race.

No, thank you.

- [chuckles] Now, brass tacks-wise,

I see that instead of English,

you've opted to deliver your vows in Old Norse.

- Um, yeah, Joyce, is that something that you want?

Do you wanna, uh, be speaking Viking

at your wedding? - Hmm? Hmm?

- [laughs] Viking is the ethnicity.

[singsongy] Problematic!

- [clears throat] You know what?

She's right.

This is a hassle, Sanderson.

No, we are gonna deliver our vows in the language

we already speak, which is English.

- But that would cause me hrygo, which means sadness.

- And I'm fine with that. - Okay.

English, then. - Okay, great. Progress.

- I just thought of a great roast joke.

- All right, check this out. [clears throat]

[with English accent] Here we find a very rare species,

the Nurseus Thirsteus.

She's in her natural habitat, doing whatever nurses do.

But what is she distracted by?

There.

Ah, the male nurse, weak and pale.

His spectacles make him irresistible

to the female in heat.

- What are you doing, freak?

- Okay, we've spooked her.

An outburst of hostility like this, when threatened,

is typical for the-

[normally] Hey! Dude!

That almost hit my eye!

- And then Joyce will carry the oathing stone.

And we'll circle each other 15 times.

Now, it's very heavy, so I think she should

be wearing a back brace.

- No, we're not doing that.

- But it's too heavy without a back brace.

- No, the oathing stone. It's stupid.

Get rid of it. - Love this.

The push and pull-

- Marriage is about compromise, and you guys are doing great.

Joyce has her must-haves, like, you know, speaking English.

And, Sanderson, you still have your longbow ceremony.

- Nope. We're not doing that either.

- What? I already hired the archer.

He's 4'2". It's gonna be hilarious.

- Okay, let's move this along. Give me that marker.

- Oh.

- So, uh, in terms of payment...

- No. Nu-uh. - Credit card works best.

I'm banned from Venmo right now.

Apparently, certain emojis count as harassment.

[scoffs] - Okay, no.

A milk bath to wash away my maidenhood?

I have been with five different men,

and I am tired of denying it!

- Every kid is different.

And when you've been doing this as long as I have,

you realize you have a variety of tools at your disposal.

- And this is helpful for me to see,

'cause back home, kids just did what they're told.

- That's actually nice.

- And if you ever lost your hat,

you had to live under a blanket

till your mother knitted you a new one.

- I-I think that's fine.

So, Jacob... [clears throats]

You know, there was this other guy that didn't want

to take his tetanus shot, and his arms and legs

folded in permanently.

They call him Pretzel Man.

- I love pretzels.

- Well, we all love pretzels.

- Well, I'd say I like pretzels.

- It's not about the pretzels, Matt.

- Yeah. - Now, this image

I'm gonna show you is a bit graphic, but-

- Oh, oh, oh, let's not do that.

We try not to use fear as a motivator.

- Yeah, we don't wanna scare him.

- Just- - Don't we, though?

Here's a fun option.

We have a cartoon about vaccines.

Now, you see, Mr. Bee, he's giving a kid shots by...

stinging them?

Who made this?

- I'm not allowed to watch screens until after bath.

- Good call, Jake.

If it's not too much trouble,

maybe you can make the point using LEGOs?

- Well, I really hoped it wouldn't come to this,

but you drive a tough bargain.

- Oh, not the belt. Oh.

- A prize- a delicious Nutrageous bar,

the best candy in the biz.

Take the shot, and it's yours.

- I want Nerd Clusters.

- We don't have those.

- I want Nerd Clusters!

- I could run across the street and get them.

- You're not getting Nerd Clusters!

- Okay, if I'm getting this all right,

we have a simple, elegant ceremony

at the lake house with no jokes-

to each his own-

and there will also be a cake.

- Great. Okay.

Um, if that's all set, then-

- No. No cake.

- [sighs] - What? What's wrong with cake?

Cake is the best part about getting married.

- Yeah, cake's pretty standard at a wedding, Joyce.

- I would rather shoot myself in the [bleep] face

than have a cake at my wedding.

- Why are those the options?

- Literally his only thing left up here.

- Please.

If not for me, then for our guests.

They're gonna need a sweet treat

at the end of the night.

- Well, I guess we're at an impasse.

- [sighs]

Well, you know what?

Then we'll go cake-less.

Because the only thing I need at my wedding is my Jojo.

You are the sweet treat.

- I think the thing Joyce actually doesn't want

at her wedding is...

- Uh, hey, you saw that 102 was discharged?

- Yup.

- Yeah, and you heard that Matt and Holly kissed?

- What? - Busted.

Oh, you hated that.

I got your ass in 4K.

This was blank.

- You know what? Fine.

Matt's an attractive guy,

and he looks really good in glasses.

- Yeah. - There. Whatever.

I'm not embarrassed. - There you go.

Matt's a cutie patootie,

and you like him.

No, correction-you like him.

- Of course I like him.

He's one of my best friends.

I love Matt. - Whoa.

- Whoa, no, no, no, no. I-I didn't mean it like that.

- Hey, hey, you don't have to say another word.

The joke's over. Wow. So you love him?

- It's not like that, okay?

Just leave me alone.

God. Ow!

Keith, what the hell?

Everyone's in my [bleep] today.

- Whew, oof.

- Potty language. [chuckles]

Get the soap out.

Oh, I'm bleeding.

- Okay, we bring out a cake that says

"Congrats on the shot."

- [sighs] Matt. - Then he'll have to get it.

He's not gonna eat a cake he doesn't deserve.

- Existential day in the old ER, huh?

- We're dealing with a difficult kid.

- Oh, it's not the kid. It's the parents.

- Oh, yeah?

What do you have, yellers, anti-vaxxers?

We got a doctor in the family?

- Oh, it's worse. They're gentle.

- Oh, no. Gentle parenting?

It's a nice idea. Doesn't work, though.

- Thank you. - Mm-mm.

- What happened to a simple no?

- Yeah, we tried gentle parenting when Ella was six.

And after, like, a week, she had, like,

Freddy Krueger fingernails. - [laughs]

- And she smelled like crap.

And we were all eating ice cream cake for dinner.

Finally, I just snapped.

And I was like, enough!

You are not in charge, okay?

- "Enough." That's a good one.

Now, my go-to was "cut it out!"

- Oh, I love "cut it out."

Cut it out! [laughs]

- So when Michael was ten, he was still wetting the bed.

- Mm. - So I finally lost it, man.

I was like, you better cut it out!

You're too old for this!

- No. Aw.

- I said, the next time you wet the bed,

I'm gonna take your wet sheets.

I'm gonna hang them up so all your friends can see.

They're gonna laugh at you and call you Pee Boy.

So cut it out! [laughing]

- Wait, did-did you actually say that to him?

- Yeah. [laughs]

You know, it's tough love, boundaries.

- That must have been so scary.

- Oh, man, don't say it like that.

He stopped wetting the bed.

- Probably stopped peeing altogether.

- [sighs]

.

- Bruce, don't.

- Hey, hey. I come in peace.

You're eating spaghetti in the middle of the day.

Wanted to see how you're holding up.

- Everything's fine. I'm fine.

- Mm-hmm. - I don't care.

I'm not trying to date the guy.

- Okay, good. Great.

[chuckles] I think that's for the best.

- Right.

Wait. What do you mean?

- Well, it's just, I- I worry about Matt, you know?

He's fragile, innocent.

He's like a baby deer wobbling on his newly formed legs.

You're...

[chuckling] Well, the way you are, you know.

- The way I am?

- No, it's a compliment.

In dating, there are sharks, and there are minnows.

Matt and Holly, minnows.

You, oof, great white.

Sorry, great Asian American.

I'm just saying that Matt would gleefully swim into your jaws,

and you would chop him up, poop him out.

He'd never be the same Matt again.

- That's kind of insulting... and weird.

- What? No. It's a power.

You're like me, and I'm the person I respect most.

See, sharks like us, yeah, we don't do relationships.

We chomp and poop.

It's in our nature.

- Right.

I'm not a shark.

I've had plenty of normal, healthy relationships

that just, like, ended after a few weeks.

And nobody got hurt.

Well, a couple of them got hurt.

I'm not a shark.

- Hey, bud. It's Dad.

No, the router's still working.

You were right. It was just unplugged.

[clears throat] Listen.

You probably don't remember this, but when you were little,

you had a minor bed-wetting problem, and I-

Oh, you do?

All right, I didn't-I didn't-

I didn't mean to...

Okay, well, call me when you can.

See you.

Jacob, I'm sorry for being harsh earlier.

It's just that I care about you getting better.

And, um, sometimes us, as parents,

we may think we know what we're doing, but maybe we don't.

Maybe sometimes we don't.

- Mommy, who's that up in the sky?

It's me, Hospital Man.

- What is this?

- It looks like the evil Professor Tetanus

has you in his clutches.

Quick, eat these power clusters.

Wachoo.

- Nerd Clusters! Yes!

- I'll finish him off with my syringe of justice, I guess.

- Fine. You can give me the shot.

- I summon the leagues of medicine-

pediatrics, orthopedics.

I think two leagues is fine.

All right, I'm gonna give you the shot now.

All right. Ready?

- Hey, Joyce.

Oh, we're back on the thing.

That's good. [phone buzzes]

Um, I just, uh, you know, wanted to check in.

You all right? - I am terrific.

I got everything I wanted, and now we're done planning,

so it totally opens up my Thriday.

- Oh, your calendar thing. That's great.

Okay, yeah, just, you know, wanted to make sure

you're happy with everything.

- Why wouldn't I be? I got everything I wanted.

Now we can finally concentrate on the next part

of our lives together, which will be forever.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, that's the plan.

- Just me and him. - Okay, Joyce, um-mm.

- Something is going on with the heat in here, isn't it?

- Uh... - It's, like, itchy.

- I think the air is actually fine.

But maybe you should stop-

- My clothes are getting, like, tight and prison-like.

Are you getting that too? - No.

- I think I just need to take this off.

- You know, you don't actually look well, Joyce.

- Well, I feel fine. - I think you're-

- I just can't breathe. It's all good.

- I think you're having a panic attack.

Just step off the treadmill, okay?

- It is not a treadmill!

It is a portable walking path! - You need to lie d-

Joyce! - Ah!

.

- You have a walnut-sized lump, no lacerations.

- BP's coming down.

- How's your sleep been?

- Uh, pretty awful, but that's typical for me.

- And your diet, any changes?

Your bowel movements, are they healthy?

- I mean, they're smelly, but...

- Yeah, that's kind of what they're known for.

- I think I was just dehydrated, that's all.

- Joyce, respectfully, I don't think this is about water,

and I think you know what I'm talking about.

- Sanderson finally manned up,

and he said I could have whatever I wanted.

But what I want does not include him.

- Oh, boy, that's a tough one.

- But if it's how you feel,

I think you need to talk to Sanderson.

- [sighs] It would destroy him.

He says that all the time:

"If you ever leave me, it will destroy me."

It's part of his "good night."

- I know it'll be rough.

But sometimes saying the hard thing and, you know,

really facing it, that's how we show someone

we care about them.

- You're very wise, Alex.

- Thanks. [chuckles]

- I have always hated your laugh.

- What?

- I have to tone down how funny I am around you

because it's just so grating.

That was hard, but I do feel so much better now.

- Hey, bud.

No, router's good.

So I cleared my weekend, and I am thinking

maybe I come to Austin for a little visit?

I think we have things to discuss.

Maybe a hug's in order?

Oh.

Yeah, that's good.

- I really respect Joyce for making the hard decision.

No one likes hurting the people that we care about.

But the thing about relationships is,

it's bound to happen.

The kindest thing we can do is be honest.

- No!

Jojo, please don't do this!

- At the end of the day, the thing about-

- I'm begging you!

I'm on my knees!

Please, my face is on your boot!

- I think we should just maybe do this, like, another time.

- I'll eat your trash! [sobs]

- I'm gonna go. [chuckles awkwardly]

- Where's the poison? [sobs]

- Hey.

Wanna ride with us to happy hour?

It's half off drinks, and yes,

that applies to lemonade.

I called. - [chuckles]

Uh...nah.

I have a ton of charting to finish.

You guys have fun, though.

- All right. I'll pour one out for you.

- Oh, we have to get the buffalo cauliflower.

It's "expecially" good.

- You are a wild woman.

- [giggles]

- Hey.

Know any engaged couples who need an officiant?

Just lost a client.

Keeping their retainer, but still.

- Bummer, but no.

- You gonna this happy hour thing at O'Malley's?

[sighs] I could use a drink.

- Actually, wanna just go to your place?

- Yeah.

Uh, cool.

- Cool. - Yeah, we could do that.

[bell clangs]

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