Original subtitles

The following program contains mature subject matter and coarse language.

discretion is advised.

Welcome to Small Achievable Goals, the show where two friends get real about

menopause and middle age. Today, we're talking hot glasses.

Oh my God, I'm so hot all the time. The makeup is sliding off my face.

Welcome to Episode 3, Invisibility.

People under the age of 25 literally cannot see me.

It's episode six, Rainfog. Yesterday, I could not remember the word for tree, so

I just called it street broccoli. Oh, cute.

That is our episode for this week. We would like to thank our listeners for

subscribing. We love you. Bye.

Bye.

I can't believe we got the show that we wanted.

The hours are long, but I love working for Amanda Kang.

Really good work today. I have a few notes, so come by my office before you

leave, okay?

Okay.

You ready for this meeting? Yeah, I'm good. Here we go.

Ow!

I feel it all! I feel it all!

You are not your anxiety.

Hey, my birthday party.

Birthday party commences at 6 p .m. in the activity center known as Light Speed

Combat. Don't forget to pick up. The double cake. Don't worry, baby.

I am all over this party. Nothing to worry about.

What's up with that? Nothing. Young women with lasers. This is the military

I can get behind.

I can get behind. And remember, we are all back here at 7 .30 p

.m. for a sleepover.

Please don't be late.

Hey, you don't have to worry about your mom.

You just worry about shooting people directly in the chest, okay? Mom's okay.

Hey. Morning.

Oh, hey. Have you been crying? No. Oh, my gosh. No, I haven't. Have you? No.

Wait. Okay.

What is happening?

I just have to... Oh. Oh. Whoa. Okay. Why are your nipples wet?

Well, I was at the coffee shop, and this woman recognized my voice, and then she

started to tell me her vagina problem.

These are her tears. Oh, that's so sweet.

I'm sure just like waltz in like, hey, Amanda is here. Okay. And your eyes are

so puffy. What's up with that? Oh, absolutely nothing. I am steady.

I am. Watch out.

Oh,

these look delicious.

Get your hand out of there. The meeting hasn't even started.

I can't wait to tell Amanda how much I love her changes.

Organic breakfast bar, cranial sacral massages. Come on. She is a visionary.

I feel like we just, like, get each other. I am so close to being her best

friend.

It's our first quarterly review.

You are superstars, but you are also losers.

Podcasts are in decline. We are under an existential threat. To survive and be

the winners, I know you are, our podcasts need to be number one across

platforms.

Crank it up.

Number one, more downloads across the board. How do we do that? Number two,

Chelsea Robin, make murder relatable.

Number three.

Julie, Chris, I have a surprise for you. Yeah? All my other podcasts are doing

it, but now it's your turn. So from now on, your podcast will be filmed.

Um, yeah. Not totally sure we want to be on camera. Don't you want Small

Achievable Goals to be number one? Because I do. I mean, eyes mean more

viewership, which means more platforms, which leads to more growth, more

engagement. And more studio time.

I'm going to need a half hour more.

No. Oh, and Evan. Yeah, Evan. I'm going to take you off as managing director. I

just really need you to focus on Julie and Chris's podcast.

Okay, my beautiful number ones, go out there, make it happen.

Because I really hate firing people.

Is that on the table? She already fired.

I really wish Amanda had talked to us about this. This is a big decision.

I mean, you're lucky. You're used to being on camera. Yeah, not today.

It's really, I have a lot of stuff.

And I'm just not a camera person today.

Okay, well, I am not a camera person ever. Okay, it's everyone's birthday,

then I've got to get a cake. There's lots of action. It's not really

anything. Hey, Julie, how are my eyes?

They're so puffy. Good. I mean, great. Yeah, no problem.

Okay, okay. We are not doing this.

We'll just go and talk to Amanda, and we'll tell her how we feel, and we'll

everything right. Okay, great. We just need a meeting. Probably not a meeting,

because that will take more time, and I have a birthday party. Could you make it

a short meeting? No fact.

Amanda. We need to talk about the cameras.

You know what? I actually just want to talk to Chris for a second.

Your eyes look a little swollen. You okay?

Cancer. Oh, my gosh. You can tell from my eyes.

July 3rd.

Pisces.

Just two water babies.

Hanging out, big heart, big feelings.

I know you, Chris.

Sure. For four months.

I mean, I know you. Oh.

I can see that you haven't been yourself.

So if you want to talk about it, this isn't the place.

So stop letting the personal get in the way of the professional.

I think it was Winston Churchill who once said, if you are going through

keep going.

I need you to be more like Winston Churchill.

I like to smoke cigars and make decisions on the toilet.

You gotta keep it tucked in tight.

Just like I had to.

It's also really good for your core.

Mm -hmm.

Women everywhere are counting on you.

Don't disappoint them.

I mean, that being said, we love tears on the mic. Everywhere else, yuck.

No tears. I'm not doing that. Forget it. See ya. Thank you. Keep it weepy. Yep.

But not too much. One tear sucked it back in. Thank you. You know, but just

enough.

Let them feel it, but you just feel it. I'm not going to feel anything.

Feel a little.

Have feelings. Don't have. Thank you.

Hey, so was I just demoted?

Let me be clear with you, Kevin. I want all your focus on Julie and Chris.

Menopause is a billion -dollar industry, and I need to be the mama bird out

there with the advertisers and sponsors bringing home the worms. Yes, mama bird.

And then I am the rooster because I stay here and I take care of the eggs, you

know? Do I look like a chicken?

The opposite.

Hey, wait, wait.

I can manage the office and produce the podcast. You know, Small Achievable

Goals is number five on the wellness charts, and we are well on our way. This

show has the potential to bring in some serious money. And yes, it's charting,

but it's not generating as much revenue as it could, and I need you to change

that. So you've got to put it all on the gas pedal.

Yeah.

Show me.

Put it all on that billion -dollar menopause pedal.

That's it. Yeah. Putting it in your head. You know?

Success. No.

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Hey,

Mo. What's up?

Elephant in the room. Okay. Me and Chris. No one cares. Not one person.

Anyways, murder is relatable, okay? It's called it could happen to you, not it

won't ever happen to you. What is more relatable than that?

I've never seen her like this. I'm scared.

She knows a lot about murder and how to get away with it. What are you saying,

Robin? You know exactly what I'm saying.

I'm feeling something.

Something I've never, like...

I don't know, felt before. It's like all of a sudden I just, like, don't, like,

believe in myself or something.

Oh, that's called self -doubt. I feel it every morning when I wake up.

Ew. Oh, my gosh, that is the most disgusting thing. I'm working on it.

There is your two -shot.

Okay, here we are. Oh, my God, is that what I look like? Oh, so many chins.

Please, you look amazing. Doesn't she look amazing? Chris, seriously, are you

allergic to something? You know what I'm allergic to?

The time. I just said I have a hard out, Evan. I gotta, okay, wait. We're gonna

go, okay? And oh my gosh, who the sweet fuck is Citron?

Okay, Evan, can we hold for a second? Can we just hold? Okay, just give me a

second. I used to have a clear line of demarcation between my chin and my neck,

and now it's just like some horrible landslide of flesh.

We can smooth it out in post.

I don't ever see myself from this angle? Let's roll, please.

How is it that I look so puffy?

And wrinkly at the same time.

Feelings. You know what they're like? They're like clouds on a windy day. They

come and go, I am like fucking Winston Churchill. I'm taking a shit and I'm

commending my shit, okay?

Let's roll, please.

Look, I can't say vulnerable things. I'd have people look at my face. I just

can't do it. You can.

You can do it. You can do it, Julie.

You can.

No. Okay, okay. Take five.

Hey, could we chat for a second? I can go grab Chris.

Actually, I want to talk to you.

I see great things for small achievable goals.

I want to take you and Chris to the next level, but that requires video content.

That's actually what I wanted to chat to you about. I am just not comfortable

being on camera. It's what the people want.

People want to peel you like an onion, Julie. They want to listen to you as you

strip back the layers of your own skin, much like a dermaplaning facial, which I

can book for you if you think that would be helpful.

You think I need a facial? The bigger question is, do you think you need a

facial? Because that's what the people want to know.

Okay.

Um, I'm a journalist, and I'm really, I'm about ideas. I'm not really about

looks. And I have to admit, you really did spring this camera thing on us.

Julie, you are a genius.

Let's just let that sit for a second.

Julie. A second, I could have... You have lived.

People want to see that lived experience come out of your lived -in face.

I know you won't disappoint me.

Because I'm a genius?

Oh, we're done. Okay, you can do this.

I need the extra

half hour for tech. I'm not leaving until my demands are met.

I'm taking your phone hostage.

That's a lot of missed calls. Give me my phone, Larry.

Give me my studio time. What in no don't you understand? The N or the O?

Hello? This is Larry. To whom am I speaking?

Oh, to Tanya.

So lovely.

I'll call you back.

That's rude.

Who's to Tanya? This meeting is over.

Goodbye.

Okay, thanks for coming in, Tanya.

I just wanted to show you last week.

Today on the show we are talking about mood swings

uh changes that are in menopause i got it i got it okay um we're talking about

menopause and um mood swings and emotional health and i'm fine

never had a mood swing because i don't really know what that's like but i

imagine maybe it feels like uh like a big black bird i guess it's just on your

chest like it's the size of the possum and it makes it really hard to breathe

and then your chest gets really tight and you're just like i can't breathe i

can't breathe and but you got but you can't say anything you got to keep the

bird tight you're like little crow little crow killing the possum please

say anything and it's coming at you and it's like chris chris you are

and the possum's already dead, and it's just hanging there, and you're solving

the whole thing. I've got to get to the birthday party, and I've got to be

Winston Churchill. I've got to keep it together, and I've got to put the name

change on the cake.

Okay, okay, okay. You know what?

Yeah, mood swings are a thing. They can be surreal.

They can be abstract. They can feel like a bird possum or whatever that is, but

let's unpack that, okay?

Let's, uh... Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Go, go. Okay,

Chris, we can see you. You cannot... We can.

Okay, look, Evan, you wanted raw, vulnerable, emotional. Well, this is

menopause really looks like. One of us is holding on a pillow for dear life

while the other one's trying to escape.

So let's talk mood swings.

You know, sometimes the way that my husband eats his cereal makes me want to

kill him. The other morning I was in the kitchen, and then out of nowhere...

Her dad came to pick her up.

Okay, guys, that's enough. Come on, let's go.

You got it. Come on, you got it.

Julie, what are you... What's all this?

I'm exploring my non -surgical options.

For what?

Anti -aging.

Basically, it boils down to shooting poison, needles, or my own blood into my

face. Oh.

You know, I like your face the way it is.

It's not about how you feel about me. It's about how I feel about me. You

in my mind, I'm 38.

But when I saw myself on camera today, I realized I've peaked.

I just want my outsides to match my insides.

And my insides don't have all this extra skin.

Remember when you used to have a six -pack?

You never had a six -pack. Look.

I can't change how you feel about you, but I love your face, so please don't

change it.

I will always love you, your body. Even when I can tuck my boobs into my pants?

Yes.

Yes. Because I will be right there next to you, tucking my balls into my socks.

But seriously, if I can tuck my balls into my socks, that's time for you to...

Oh, smother you with a pillow.

Perfect.

Here. Stop, Ron!

I'm here, I'm here. Hi, I'm a little bit late. Hi. Hi, I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, hey, hey.

Babe, Chris is here.

Hi, um, are you hugging me so I don't go inside?

Kind of. Okay. Hey, hey, hey. Hi, hi. Oh, everything's okay.

No, it's not okay. It's not okay.

I'm just going to go inside for a second. I just want to say that I'm

Everyone understands. We already talked about it. They totally get it.

Everyone's calm. Your hours have been nuts since you started the new show.

it for tonight, okay? Let Saffron be with her friends.

You know what? Here you go. Here's the cake. It's fine. Oh my God, you're

Enjoy the cake. Have a great night.

Hey, Chris.

Is everything okay?

Yep. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. You know what I did? I shut your mouths off.

I shut them right off.

I'm just going to speed away on my bike.

Wear the helmet.

Hey. Hey.

Everything okay?

Yeah. Doing in my yard.

Hanging out.

I couldn't sleep, so I went for a coffee, and then I rode my bike around

and then I climbed a tree. You know, the huge.

And you did all this while wearing a laser tag vest.

That is right, ma 'am.

How did the sleepover go?

She had a great birthday.

Just a really good birthday party for her. And then she stayed at her dad's.

I wouldn't.

Okay, I've never known you to refuse a hug before. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

Amanda just says I gotta keep my burden tight, so... I don't know what that

means, but it sounds inappropriate.

Okay. No hug? Let me just sit here.

You can hug my finger. There's less feelings in a finger.

God, you have a dice -like grip.

Well, she loves it. Amanda loves it.

And it is all thanks to me.

Because I know what your audiences want. The raw, honest, vulnerable, real you.

I have so many clips that I know are going to go viral. So just keep just

that, right? Yes.

Great. So we just had a nervous breakdown every week? Yeah, whatever it

Julie, she is.

Thrilled with me. I, you,

me. Yeah.

Ow. What was that?

It was a high five, but I was looking there and you were supposed to be ready.

No, no. Save it for the podcast.

Put your boob down and put your hand up.

Don't know how to do that.

I'm sorry I answered your phone.

Not cool.

It was my sister. My mother can no longer live alone.

I can't live with her.

She likes things her way, and I like things my way.

You just need a beat.

Yeah.

What you doing?

Oh, I am just reminding myself that one day I'll be 80.

Look at that.

Cute. Yeah.

right? I remember when that photo was taken, I thought I was an unlovable

monster. And you know, one day I'm going to be 80 and I don't want to look at a

picture of myself now and think eyeballs were so high and tight back then.

No, I don't want to think that.

Love you.

Love you.

I love you.

I love you.

You. You.

You.

Hey, Catherine's mom.

A little surprise for you. I'm giving you the big room.

Yay! You get mom's room. All the space you want.

It's like, it's almost like a two bed. I love you. I hope you're having fun at

your dad's.

I love you this hour, this hour today.