Original subtitles

(Church bells pealing)

(Cheering)

(Whistling)

Thanks very much.

Before we even start, l suppose l'd better warn you

that in my act there is some bad language.

l'm not talking about split infinitives.

There is swearing and material of a sexual nature.

So if you are offended by rude or crude material,

don't be a cunt about it.

l was doing a gig a couple of weeks ago and asked a girl her name.

She said, ''Pataka.'' l said, ''You don't hear that every day.''

She replied, ''Actually, l do.''

- Does anyone use Vodafone products? - Yeah.

Mainly people over there.

l imagine that's where the reception is best, is it?

l don't use Vodafone products. l'm sure they're reasonably priced and work OK.

l don't like their advertising slogan.

''Join the world's largest mobile community.''

Correct me if l'm wrong,

that's the gypsies.

No offence to you.

lf you want to dress like that and live in a lay-by, it's very much up to you.

l can't believe you went like that. Well done. Good.

- What's your name? - Scott.

Don't feel bad about them laughing.

We both know they all need clothes pegs.

There'll always be work for people like Scott to avoid.

My father said whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Till the accident.

Feminists say a woman's work is never done.

Maybe if they got themselves organised, it'd be better.

A bit of an icy stare there, madam.

That is postmodern misogyny. That joke is steeped in irony.

Don't you worry your pretty little head about it.

l had a ''serious relationship'' talk with my girlfriend.

She sat me down and talked at me for about six hours.

l hadn't realised that when a man says he is ''spoken for'',

that is quite literally what he means.

She said, ''We're at a crossroads in our relationship.

''Down one road is hard work and commitment but, ultimately, happiness.

''And down the other road, well, the other road is a dead end.''

And l said, ''That's not a crossroads, that's a T-junction.''

l'm glad you laugh. She went fucking mental.

l should point out at this early stage in the show

that despite my dress and general demeanour,

l'm not gay.

Unless you're from Newcastle,

and by ''gay'' you mean ''owns a coat''.

You're looking a bit disappointed. Sorry, but homosexuality isn't my thing.

No hard feelings.

Sorry, l don't want to spoil the mood. l'm not homophobic.

l'm not scared of you.

lt's fine. Some people are straight, some are gay. That is fine.

l'm what you might call a ''stray''.

l'm straight, but l'm socially gay.

l notice when a female friend changes her hair or buys new shoes.

But l won't accept your cock in my arse.

lt's less of a joke, it's just something l wanted to make absolutely clear.

l get the feeling that l may have misjudged this situation.

You either look hard or gay.

Hopefully not both.

You look as if you want to take me outside.

l'm not entirely sure why.

l suppose either way l'm buggered.

l'm sure you will have ascertained l'm quite middle-class

and l'm from the Home Counties.

So l don't have an accent.

This is just how things sound when they're pronounced properly.

Not that there's anything wrong with being working-class...

these days.

lt's like masturbation. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Of course, it's nothing to be proud of either.

And both give you calluses on your hands.

Sting's often bragging about his eight-hour sex sessions with his wife.

lmagine how long he'd be able to keep it up if she was a looker.

ln Japan they believe that tiger penis improves fertility,

but l think if you really want to get pregnant,

you're best off using a man's cock.

My mate's girlfriend is six months pregnant.

They said, ''Do you want to feel the baby?''

On reflection, l think they meant on the outside.

They say travel broadens the mind.

Except with Americans, where it tends to widen the arse.

People quote the fact that only ten per cent of Americans have passports.

They say it like it's a bad thing.

l've got nothing against Americans, but one said l was pay-tronising.

l said, ''l think you'll find that's pronounced pat-ronising.''

lt means when you talk down to someone.

l'm not doing that. l'm too busy thinking about things you wouldn't understand.

You're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City.

lt's because you don't live in New York City.

My favourite news story last year came from America. l'm sure you saw it.

lt was about a man in Utah, an American man.

He was out rambling in the wilds of Utah, the desert.

There was a rock fall and his hand was trapped under a boulder.

He had to sever his hand to walk to freedom.

lncredible story about human courage. Did you see it?

l can't believe anyone saw it and didn't ask, ''Would l be able to do that?''

l think l would be able to do that.

What do l care about an American's hand?

lf it's life or death, l'll cut his fucking head off.

The other story that tickled me from America, not quite as inspiring,

was the story of an English woman and an American man.

They were flying from JFK to Heathrow, never met each other before.

They were arrested as they came in to land at Heathrow.

They were arrested because the lady was fellating the man.

lt means sucking off.

As they came in to land, she was fellating him. l prefer a boiled sweet.

l can't imagine how that happened.

Presumably she turned to him and said, ''My ears are popping.

''Have you got a boiled sweet?''

And he said, ''No, but l've got an idea.''

Have we got anyone from around the country? The North?

- (Several people shout) - Quite a few of you.

What's the point of a North-South divide if you don't police it?

People from Liverpool think people from Manchester are a bunch of cunts.

And vice versa, people from Manchester think people from Liverpool are cunts.

When will they realise?

l should apologise. l've used the C-word rather a lot so far.

l know a lot of people find that a little bit offensive.

There is an alternative to ''cunt''.

l don't mean up the arse.

Do you know the phrase ''See you next Tuesday''?

lt's the polite way of saying the C-word so as not to cause too much offence.

l can't think of when you'd want to call someone a cunt and not offend them.

lt's sort of what l like about it.

l'll have a bit of a sit-down.

Are you all right? Was this the sort of thing you had in mind?

No. Right. OK. l'm fucked.

Who's come the furthest? Has anyone come from overseas?

- (Man) Canvey lsland. - Canvey lsland?

l know Canvey lsland, so l know you've not come a long way from your home,

you've just brought it with you.

Did you come with him?

No. Good.

Canvey lsland's the furthest anyone came. Fuck you.

You were all in the area anyway?

- What's that? - (Man replies in high-pitched voice)

Was that Dover, or were you castrated before you got a chance to...

Right.

Were you worried about sounding silly so you put on a ludicrous voice?

''That should sort things out.''

So you're a sailor, are you?

lmagine my surprise at your high-pitched voice.

Hm. Bad things come in threes.

A good example of that is Atomic Kitten.

When l think of them, l'm saddened.

Somewhere in the Northeast there's a supermarket three checkout girls short.

l wrote that joke for a thing called Worst Britons on Channel 4.

l wrote this as well, if it's of any interest to you.

l went to a car-boot sale and found this old, brown, bent leathery tool.

lt turned out to be David Dickinson.

Has anyone seen my other TV shows? Has anyone seen Distraction?

- (Cheering) - Oh. And one person liked it?

That's good. lf l can entertain just one man, l'll have been shit.

Distraction is Channel 4's replacement for Sex And The City.

Just imagine the city is Dundee and the sex is anal.

l do another show called Your Face Or Mine. Have you seen it?

lt's a fun show. lt's as shallow as a tinker's bath.

No offence. l didn't mean...

But it's quite a fun show.

lt's about looks in relationships.

- Who thinks looks are important? - (Several voices) Yes.

Quite a few of you are being honest.

l sit on the fence on that one. Are looks important?

You don't look at the fireplace when you're poking the fire.

But you do when it's sucking you off, so...

Are you two a couple? Do you mind me asking how on earth that happened?

What were you thinking?

- l don't know. - You can do a lot better than that.

You're punching above your weight.

lt's a different league.

Well done. ls that money or personality or...

low self-esteem on her part?

Lovely little mix of all three?

That's basically the show. That's all we do.

We string that out for half an hour. The magic of television.

lt is quite awkward sometimes. There are young couples, 19 or 20.

lt can be a bit awkward sometimes.

Once a woman came on with a medical complaint.

l'm not sure what the correct medical term is but she had a wonky face.

l'm pretty sure that's not the term.

She wasn't an unattractive girl

but one half of her face was a lot lower than the other.

She'd sent in a video tape and recorded it rather coquettishly, like that.

Then she turned up and we all went like that.

The producer said, ''This is quite a serious thing.

''She's got a wonky face. We've got to address it.''

l thought, ''What can l say? What's with the wonky face, love?''

l said, ''Could you tell me about your face?'' Luckily she played along.

She said, ''Yes. When l was 1 1 l had a skiing accident.

''l was skiing down a hill and l skied into the side of a chalet.

''l broke my leg, arm, jawbone, cheekbone and eye socket

''and was airlifted to hospital.''

And l said, ''At least you got to go in a helicopter.''

Her face fell.

Sadly it didn't even up. That would have been rather miraculous.

l can't be the only person. ln real life l constantly put my foot in it.

l've learned the hard way not to refer to your partner as your ''current girlfriend''.

lt suggests you're looking for an upgrade.

That doesn't seem to keep them on their toes the way you'd think.

No, they don't like it.

l've got a policy now after several unfortunate incidents,

whereby l would rather see a pregnant woman standing on a bus

than a fat girl sitting down crying.

Come on, we've all made that mistake, haven't we?

The worst thing is, you know immediately you've made it.

''When's it due?

''Hang on, there's nothing due.

''You just like your food.''

lt's terrible. You just want the earth to open up and...

swallow her.

lt'd have to be a fucking big hole.

The other time when l put my foot in it is in charity shows.

l do quite a lot, not because l'm altruistic but because they're fun.

Loads of comics do a show. There's about ten of us backstage.

We all hang out together.

We dare each other to open with the most inappropriate line possible.

What happens is, l tend to win the bet and not get invited back.

lt's a double win cos you don't get paid for those shows.

l did a gig for the Ashling Foundation. Anyone know them?

No? They're a small charity, based in London. lrish.

They take lrish builders and navvies that came over in the '50s and '60s

and have fallen on hard times.

They give them pensions and retirement homes in the West of lreland.

l did a gig for them. l said, ''lt's lovely to support the Ashling Foundation.

''l've got a new slogan for you.

''Fuck off home, the roads are finished.''

Apparently they're famous for their humour.

Oh, no, they're fucking not.

The other charity l did a gig for last year was Stonewall.

Largest gay charity in Europe.

The gig was in Edinburgh. l said, ''lt's lovely to be here.

''l'm not sure about supporting Stonewall.

''lf we raise enough money, maybe one day we'll be able to find a cure.

''But l'm not sure there's anything wrong with being gay.''

That was pretty much their reaction.

Although they were slightly more theatrical.

l don't want to sound callous or unkind or cruel

but the Children of Courage Awards...

How much courage does it take to get poorly?

Maybe we could change the name to the Children of Horrible Misfortune.

That way we could include ugly children as well.

lf anyone's thinking, ''l didn't think that was very funny,''

imagine how it went down at the Great Ormond Street gala.

Comedy's been pretty good to me over the last couple of years.

l wanted to give something back.

l thought l'd do some guerrilla comedy, put comedy where you don't often find it.

You here and people watching a comedy DVD tend to be in a good mood already.

What about the people not having a good day? Those reading the small ads?

They're either buying something second-hand or filling in a personal.

lf you're summing up your personality in 30 words, you don't have a good one.

l've got a credit card, l've got quite a good phone manner.

l'll place some small ads, maybe cheer some people up.

- Would you like to see them? - Yeah.

Course you fucking would.

This is the first one. l put it in the personals.

''lncurable romantic seeks filthy whore.''

This one's slightly more optimistic.

lt's a bit more ambitious.

''Albino he-she seeks similar.''

l've not had any responses to that as yet

but when l get two l'll set up a blind date and they won't believe their luck.

This one's the basis for all ads, in my opinion, in the personals.

''Good-looking, athletic movie star, millionaire,

''seeks gullible stunner.''

The business opportunities section of papers...

l travel up and down the country and l always read the local paper.

Business opportunities section, useless unless you want a cafe in Solihull.

l thought l'd try and brighten it up with an ad.

''Small minority wanted to spoil it for the rest of us.

''There's always one - is it you?''

Sadly l didn't get any responses at all to this next one.

''Wanted: 30 Chinamen and a zeppelin for elaborate practical joke.''

The announcements section should be interesting. Births, marriages and deaths.

lf you know the person involved in being born, getting married or dying,

you know, you don't need to read it in the paper, so it's a bit pointless.

My nan used to collect anything to do with our family or friends.

She'd put them in a shoe box. She collected them for 50 years.

And then she died and we put them in the bin.

That's not a joke, that's just what happens.

Anyway, l thought l'd try and cheer up the announcements section.

l did this ad. ''Amanda, l'm running a bit late.

''Will be there in about an hour.

''How far apart are the contractions?''

This one is plain odd.

l put it in public and legal notices because l didn't know where to put it.

''Nemesis wanted.

''l'm 5'10'', into kayaking, books and conversation by day,

''justice, honour and vengeance by night.

''Seeking arch-enemy, possibly crime lord or deformed megalomaniac.''

This is not my finest piece of work but l like it.

''Speech impediment? New support group.

''Call D-D-D-D-Dave...''

We set these up with real phone lines so people could call if they wanted to.

We put an extra-long tape for that one because complaints could take a while.

This one doesn't have a number. l wanted to get the message out there.

''Anyone else think there's something not quite right about Gary Lineker?''

This one might be handy for some of the front row. lt's in the ''lost'' section.

''Lost: Virginity. Yes! Get in!''

Does anyone here read Private Eye magazine? Quite a few of you.

You can attest to the fact that the small ads are mental.

People say things like, ''l'm doing a law degree and need $5,000 to complete it.''

And then bank account details. lt's the Everest of optimism.

l thought, ''l'm getting in on that action.'' l placed this.

''Needed: 20K. No questions asked.''

Then two weeks later, when no one came up with the money - terrible -

l put, ''All right. 10K. One question. Nothing personal.''

l'm willing to compromise. l'm reasonable.

There's a ''for sale'' section in these magazines.

''Hitachi washing machine DX250, under warranty until kill, kill, kill, kill them all,

''February 2004, in perfect working order, $180 or nearest offer.''

The reason l'm so pleased with that is cos l phoned it in.

The only thing the operator said was, ''ls that four kills?''

''Yeah.'' ''Fine.''

''For sale: holiday photos - choice of ski, sun or city break.

''ldeal for anecdote or alibi.''

''For sale: bonsai tree. Large.''

The other thing l've got quite obsessed by is...

You know the adverts you get on railings at busy intersections in roads?

You've all seen those, yeah?

What kind of nutters reply to those?

A lot of people are out of work and think, ''The railings, that's the answer.

''Not a Jobcentre or a friend of a friend. l'll just go with the railing.''

l thought, ''l'll set up some of my own.

''l'll put them up around West London and l'll see who calls.''

Nutters, it turns out.

l needn't have bothered my arse.

l'll take you through some of them.

''Get rich quick! Set up a premium-rate phone line.

''To find out how, just call 0900...''

''Lose weight fast! Fed up of dieting and exercise?

''lncredible results guaranteed!

''Try amoebic dysentery!''

''ls your memory letting you down? What about your memory?

''ls it letting you down?

''Call for an information pack right now before you forget.''

''Money worries? Work from home. Earn pounds.

''You don't even have to get out of bed!

''To find out more, just call Pimp Jimmy.''

Well, this is the last one of these.

''Am you grammar letting we down?

''Private tuition available. Now call now.''

l split up with my last girlfriend because she was very hypocritical.

She'd say, ''l love surprises,'' but when she heard l was sleeping with her sister...

My girlfriend says, ''You never tell me how much you love me.''

l don't want to upset her.

A couple of weeks ago we were making love and she had an asthma attack.

l did briefly think l was doing rather well.

At the two-minute mark l thought, ''She's laying this on a bit thick.''

Either she wants something or she's not well.

l totally panicked. l phoned a friend of mine who's a doctor.

l said, ''What shall l do?''

He said, ''Don't panic. l'll pop over.''

l said, ''What shall l do in the meantime?'' He said, ''Finish yourself off.''

Don't give me that look. lt was the right thing to do.

l shouldn't take the piss out of asthmatics.

Their emergency helpline service was shut down recently.

Apparently a problem with all the obscene phone calls.

A lot of asthmatics in? No. l would have heard you.

Are there lots of couples in this evening? How many couples?

Quite a few, by show of hands. How many by shouting out?

- (Several people shout) - Hundreds. Brilliant.

lt's becoming ever more common now

for couples to have an arrangement whereby they're faithful to each other

but if one of them met a certain celebrity, they'd be allowed to stray.

Has anyone got that going on in their relationship?

- Who have you got? - (Man) You!

Right.

l notice you're next to a lady.

- (lnaudible comment) - You're gonna do what at home?

- Kill me. - She's gonna kill you? Right.

Or strap one on and fuck you, certainly.

lt'll be one or the other.

Anyone else got one?

- You've got one? Who have you got? - Jim Carrey.

All right. He might be up for it.

And who's your boyfriend got?

''Anything, l'm not bothered''?

What? Sorry?

- Anything good-looking. - Anything good-looking?

A bit of a change, yeah. Lovely.

You can't say that.

With my girlfriend, if l get the opportunity to sleep with Kylie Minogue,

she can fuck off.

Are you all aware of the sexual practice snowballing?

- (Man) Yeah. - Who was that down there?

Quite proud of that. Well done.

Everyone else, none the wiser. lt says something about you.

Having administered oral sex, your partner doesn't spit or swallow

so much as return to sender via a kiss.

You're looking shocked as l explained that to you.

Let me assure you, l found out the hard way.

lt does raise an interesting moral dilemma.

Should you spit or swallow?

Well, if you really love yourself.

l can see some friends of mine. You're explaining it to your mum.

What a brilliant day out that'll be.

What a lovely drive home. ''So, this snowballing thing...''

Ha-ha! Marvellous.

- Are there any Catholics in? - (A few people shout)

A few. l'm a lapsed Catholic. l don't know much about it but l like the ideas.

l like the idea of the confirmation.

lt's when you're about 12 and you meet a bishop.

And he says to you, ''You're definitely a Catholic.''

l don't know if he does that.

He says, ''You're definitely a Catholic.'' He confirms you.

Other religions could do with that.

The Jews could do with that. l've got a lot of friends who say, ''l'm Jewish.''

A new book's out called Better Than Sex With Claire Rayner.

A lot of things in that fucking category.

l'm struggling to think of anything that wouldn't make the mark.

l suppose the Rwandan genocide might just edge it.

(Groaning)

Well... Good. l was in a bookstore with a third off all titles.

l bought The Lion, The Witch.

l said to the PhD English graduate -

sorry, shop assistant -

''What's this Psycho The Rapist section?''

She said, ''l'll think you'll find that's pronounced Psychotherapist.''

Are you all aware that Christopher Reeve wrote a book last year?

He wrote a book called Nothing ls lmpossible. Well, he dictated it.

What?

On the cover it says, ''Since the accident, Christopher's never looked back.''

Fair enough, but there's no need to rub it in, is there?

l met an incredible girl on the lnternet.

Smart, sexy, uninhibited.

lt turned out to be a 12-year-old paraplegic boy.

l'll be honest, the sex was disappointing.

Ohh! l think we've reached a barrier there, haven't we?

We will laugh at that and nothing more.

Fair enough.

A couple of weeks ago l failed to perform sexually.

(Laughter)

How is that a laughing matter?

l'm not going to go into details. Suffice it to say l arrived early.

My girlfriend said, ''That happens to a lot of guys.''

l said, ''There's two things the matter with that.

''Firstly, who are these 'a lot of guys'?

''Secondly, if this happened to more than one of us, it could be you.''

She says there's never an excuse to raise your hand to a woman.

What if you've got a question?

She says because she's a woman, she can do two things at once.

So why's a threesome out of the question?

A girl asked me, ''Could you spare a few minutes for Cancer Research?''

l said, ''We're not gonna get much done.

''We can go to Boots, see if they've got anything.''

You know that disclaimer at the end of films? ''The characters are fictitious.

''Any relation to real characters and events is coincidental.'' Yeah?

Do they really need that on Lord Of The Rings?

ls anyone thinking, ''This is a brilliant documentary.

''l might think about going to New Zealand on holiday.

''Wait. l don't want it ruined by Saruman and his Orc army''?

Your hair. Well, l'm just saying.

l like the Spice Girls as much as the next man but...

lt's... No, it's... Mm.

l can't help noticing you've got a tattoo on your...

Well, it's your boob, isn't it, really? lt draws the eye. What is that, exactly?

- A rose. - lt's a rose.

As if boobs aren't fun enough as they are.

She thought, ''l'll brighten these things up.

''What do guys like? They like flowers.

''l'll get a picture of a flower.''

You look like the sort of bloke that would like cars and guns and tanks.

Why not get a nice tattoo of a tank on your tit?

Lovely. He could be going, ''Ooh, is that a Sherman?''

Cos flowers, unless he's secretly gay...

And l'll be honest, there's a lot of earrings and spiky hair...

Good. Fine.

l remember before J.Lo, before the term ''ghetto booty'',

when we used to just call it a fat arse.

J.Lo's had her bum insured for $10 million.

Don't know if that covers contents.

l was talking to my nan about Ant and Dec. She didn't know which was Ant.

l said, ''Do you know which one Dec is?'' She said, ''Yeah.''

My girlfriend asked me one of the big questions in life.

She said to me, ''Do you want to have children?''

l thought, ''ls there a truer expression of love than having a child with someone?''

That is a bond that lasts forever. Marriages break up.

Having a child together, you'll be bonded for the rest of your life.

Then l thought about the money. lt's the most expensive thing you can do.

lt costs $100,000 to bring up a child up to the age of 18.

lt's not like buying a house, where you can sell it.

lt doesn't appreciate. That's just gone.

Then l thought about education. State or private?

l'd think about private school but would end up sending it to state school.

Maybe l'd compromise, end up reading the Daily Mail,

going to parent-teacher meetings, becoming my dad. lt'd be awful.

Then l thought, ''Why don't l think about adopting a child?

''lsn't it about the family unit and love rather than having a little mini-me?''

Then l thought about having my family name live on

and what it would mean to my nearest and dearest.

Then l thought about my girlfriend, how l'd probably end up calling her Mum.

lt would change my life, probably ruin it.

l weighed up all the pros and all the cons and in the end l said no.

Of course, by then l'd come.

Luckily, all over her tits.

Mum understood that? Good.

Right.

One of my ambitions is to write a book. Like many comedians, l'd love to.

l don't want to write a novel. Novels by comedians are shite.

We don't seem very good at it. lt requires an idea that lasts more than 30 seconds.

l thought l'd do a book of correspondence.

That way you're getting someone else to do half the work. Always thinking.

- Would you like to hear them? - Yes.

Good, otherwise we'd be having some quiet time.

This is the first letter that l wrote. lt's to my local MP. Chris Smith.

''Dear Mr Smith, are you tired of people writing to you to waste your time?''

This is to Charlie Statham, the head doctor of NHS Direct in West London.

''Dear sir, l heard that a doctor took out an appendix with a coat hanger.

''l'm not a qualified doctor but l've got all the proper kit.

''Could you talk me through the procedure?

''Please write back soon. She's in terrible pain.''

ls anyone in here a member of Amnesty lnternational?

Someone's timidly put up a hand. Are you worried about being persecuted?

l wrote a letter to the head of Amnesty lnternational in the UK.

lt's to Kate Allen, director of Amnesty lnternational UK.

''Dear madam, l like what you people do.

''Writing to complain about human rights violations

''is like a political version of Points Of View.

''The BBC or fascist leader may not change what they do

''but at least you slow down their day as they wade through the post bag.

''l'd be surprised if they got round to torturing anyone before 1 1 :30.

''People do nothing because they know they cannot change the world

''but you are not deterred from making futile gestures for human rights,

''and l, for one, applaud you.

''lnspired by your approach, l held a fundraising dinner on your behalf.

''l charged people $20 a head, with all profits to go to Amnesty.

''Although a success creatively, with a South American theme,

''unfortunately the groceries and booze were expensive and l made a loss.

''You now owe me $57.40.''

Amnesty, God bless them, got back to me almost immediately.

To be honest, it's a little bit condescending.

''Dear Jimmy,

''l was delighted to hear you're a supporter of Amnesty.

''You appear to have a few misunderstandings about our work,

''so l've enclosed a copy of our new information leaflet, What We Do.''

Which, fair enough, is a very good name for an information leaflet.

''l've also enclosed a copy of our annual review, Human Rights Before Profit.''

l've had a flick through and it's no way to run a company.

''Regarding your fundraising dinner,

''l'm sorry to hear all your energy and creativity

''did not result in you making your planned donation.

''l usually advise our supporters to start small and build up.

''lt's also an excellent idea to work out a simple budget beforehand

''and to think about just how many people you can attract as guests.

''This helps with setting your ticket price

''and hopefully will ensure a different outcome next time.

''ln terms of your request that Amnesty reimburse your loss, l have to say no.''

l was very disappointed and $57.40 out of pocket.

l had an idea. Who buys Fair Trade products?

Anyone? Quite a few of you. Tea, coffee, sugar, that kind of thing.

l think l spotted a gap in the market, so l wrote them a letter.

''l'm writing because l think l've spotted a gap in the market.'' Told you.

''No one is more exploited than the farmer of the cocoa leaf.

''Whilst drug barons get rich exploiting both farmers and recreational users,

''we stand by and do nothing.

''l propose a Fair Trade cocaine joint venture.

''l have a contact in distribution,

''and you guys have the perfect cover to sail through customs.

''Who knows, if it all takes off, we could end up millionaires...and help the poor.''

l wrote this one to Martin Bell, the man in the white suit, political campaigner.

''Dear Mr Bell, your personal assistant is keeping things from you.''

l've not had a reply, which would seem to suggest l'm right.

ln terms of taste and decency, we take a bit of a dark turn here.

lt's a letter l wrote to David Yelland when he was editor of the Sun.

''Dear Yelland.''

l thought that was good. Tabloidy, strong.

''There's a lot of talk about genetic engineering. A very complex area.

''ls it wrong to breed piglets to wean paedophiles off babies?

''l'm thinking of a slogan: 'They'll squeal, but not to the cops'.''

l think it's morally acceptable to write that letter but applauding is bad taste.

l wrote this to Sir John Stevens, Metropolitan Police Commissioner.

''Dear Sir John, l've got a bet with a friend. l say policemen are nice guys.

''He says all coppers are cunts.

''Which is it?''

What shall we do here? Very much your decision.

Do you want to hear my letter to Stephen Hawking?

- (All) Yes. - Fine.

On your own heads be it. lt's to Stephen Hawking in Cambridge University.

''Dear Professor, l know you get letters asking you about the universe

''and you don't have a lot of time to answer them in great detail.

''Perhaps this question from my nine-year old will inspire you.

''He is severely disabled and has similar limitations to you

''but equally he has a great spirit and refuses to give in on a world

''ready to dismiss him as a four-eyed voice-box wheelchair-bound freak.

''What he'd like to know is, would you like to come over and play?''

When you've sent a letter like that, you're not expecting a reply.

Certainly not a phone call.

My brother answered the phone and said it's Stephen Hawking's assistant.

l was slightly taken aback.

She was enquiring as to the name of my son.

The only disability my son has is that tragically he's fictitious.

My brother Patrick had answered the phone, so l said Patrick.

Then she asked about his disabilities.

l watch daytime TV and cobbled something together.

l didn't do that to continue the joke.

l thought she'd be embarrassed if l said it was a silly joke,

so l thought l'd say it and that would be the end to it.

But it wasn't the end to it. Two weeks later l received this letter.

She sent me a biography of Hawking with a photo.

lt's not signed.

About a week after that l got this letter from Stephen Hawking himself.

lt's absolutely genuine. l'll read it to you now.

''Dear Patrick, my assistant Karen has sent me a letter from your father

''who tells me you've invited me to come over and play.

''lt's very kind of you, but l'm teaching at Caltech in Pasadena until 1 st May.''

Ooh.

''So l can't take you up on your offer.

''Even though l am 60, l think it's never too late to play.

''One of my birthday treats was to go for a balloon ride.

''lf you're interested, contact lan at lnnovative Ballooning.

''There's the contact details.''

l did contact him and he'd bought us a balloon ride.

l briefly considered crippling my brother to take him up on it.

l'm sharing that with you because it's a bit clever-clever, sending letters,

but that one went horribly wrong.

And it demonstrated that Stephen Hawking is a brilliant bloke.

You know, he's... Fair enough.

But responding to a letter where you are described

as a four-eyed voice-box wheelchair-bound freak...

maybe not that clever.

This is the last letter, to HSBC. Anyone bank with HSBC?

- (Several voices) Yes. - Here's the letter.

''Dear Sir or Madam, l really love your latest HSBC commercials,

''the ones about cultural diversity in international finance.

''But l must take issue with your statement

''that the rudest thing in Thailand is to reveal the soles of your feet.

''Now, l've been to Thailand, in my year off,

''and you can do things a lot ruder than that there.

''A lot ruder.

''My friend Keith shat in a hooker's mouth for a tenner.

''l wanted to let you know in case you do another ad

''about Holland or something.''

Thank you.

My girlfriend asked me to tease her.

l said, ''All right, fatty.''

Things don't always work out the way you think.

l always thought it would be my mum that would catch me masturbating.

You think you're shocked. lmagine my surprise.

Official statistics say one third of accidents at work go unreported.

How on earth do they know?

When l was a kid l had an imaginary friend who went everywhere with me.

l thought he could hear me and grant me wishes and stuff.

And then l grew up and l stopped going to church.

(Some laughter)

That seems to have divided the room somewhat.

There's two groups, people who thought that funny, and those going to heaven.

l imagine there's quite a few people here that go to Mass

or wherever Protestants go - hell, l'd imagine.

Have you seen the new Mel Gibson film?

The Passion Of The Christ. lt's upset a lot of Christians.

lt's about Christ's life

but he's tacked on a silly Hollywood ending where the hero comes back.

(Raucous laughter)

Does she love the little baby Jesus?

Does she love the little baby Jesus or not?

ls she going for a wee? ls it a wee or a poo?

Shall we time her?

lt's always a bit embarrassing, isn't it?

When people say they hear voices in their heads -

as opposed to where, exactly?

Hearing voices in your legs, that's properly mental.

l saw an advert for adult literacy classes...in the newspaper.

Are there any single men in this evening?

Don't panic. l've got some advice.

lf you really like a girl and she says to you, ''l love you like a brother,''

suggest a weekend in Norfolk.

Unless you're from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.

- You don't look like you're from Norfolk. - l'm from Thetford in Norfolk.

You're from Thetford in Norfolk?

Right.

- ls that your sister? Girlfriend? Both? - Sister.

And you're here with your sister?

Not really, though?

''Saturday night out, l'll take my sister. She's a looker.''

Have you ever with...

l'm only asking.

Do you think your sister's attractive, can l ask?

- Do you think she's attractive? - She's OK.

Would you give her one?

That was very low. Sorry.

What about you, love?

l can't believe that. He's from Norfolk and he's brought his sister.

lt could scarcely be better.

l'm amazed you didn't bring your mum. Did you split up?

Oh, marvellous. l imagine your family tree's a straight line, is it?

lt's just a piece of timber.

Sorry. l may have misjudged this.

There may be a short fight after the gig, which l imagine l'll be losing.

Where is she? Do you think she's got bladder problems?

Maybe some sort of yeast infection?

We'll ask her when she comes back.

l just hope she hasn't got any vaginal difficulties.

lt's a lovely word, isn't it, ''vaginal''?

Oh, clearly not.

My friend picked up two girls last week.

l said, ''They're like buses.'' He said, ''Yeah, you wait and then two come.''

l said, ''No. They are like buses.''

Someone complained about that joke after a show.

Quite a big-boned girl.

She said, ''l think you're fattist.''

l said, ''No, no, no. l think you're fattest.''

Someone calls Admiral lnsurance every six seconds for a quote.

What a nutter.

Environmentalists say every day an area the size of Wales is destroyed.

Why is it never Wales?

Are there Welsh people in this evening?

- (Woman) Yes. - You're from Wales? Don't worry.

Do you know what the most common crime is in Wales?

No? Hang on, l've got to ask someone about her fufu.

That's a long time for a pee. Are you all right?

- You're fine? ls that better? - Yeah.

Bless you. l'm just talking to your friend about being from Wales.

Do you know what the most common crime is in Wales? Guess.

- Guess. - Sheep shagging.

Sheep shagging?

Well, that's rather insulting, isn't it?

And to add insult to injury, you're wrong. lt's ram raiding.

The second most common crime is having sex with a minor.

lf anyone's offended, look for the other meaning.

l bought my girlfriend a book, Cheap And Easy Vegetarian Cooking.

lt's ideal for her because not only is she a vegetarian...

She's reading a book called Women That Love Too Much,

which l think could have the title shortened to Sluts.

The reason old men use Viagra is not because they're impotent,

it's because old women are so very ugly.

When it comes to the environment, our children will pay for our mistakes.

Which is a relief.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for a cup of tea,

you never get that tea.

Throwing acid is wrong...

in some people's eyes.

l went to the airport information desk.

l said, ''How many airports are there in the world?''

She said, ''l don't know.''

At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

l bought a round-the-world air ticket. $1 ,200. Amazing value.

37 hours later, l arrived at Heathrow.

A lot of people say modern art is pretentious but l look at it like this...

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is?

They don't fancy each other.

Eating spicy food can damage your sense of taste.

When l was in lndia, l was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Every year thousands of dogs are needlessly destroyed.

Every night hundreds of homeless people go hungry.

All l'm saying is...

it wouldn't happen in Korea.

l'd like to recommend Korean food. Their cuisine is delicious. Their delicacies.

They're the dog's bollocks.

On holiday l went walking in the Lakes.

lt's called swimming.

l met a beautiful girl and fell in love

but she was with my friend so l had to hide the way l felt.

That's not easy, wearing Speedos.

Men tend to fall asleep directly after sex.

All l'm saying is, maybe if women put a bit more into it...

Sorry, that's not meant to be misogynistic.

l was reading, in Tits And Arse magazine,

an article about the difficulties of asking your partner for anal sex.

lt was entitled What lf She Takes lt The Wrong Way?

l see you're shifting uncomfortably. l didn't mean to offend you.

Whatever you decide about anal sex, l'm sure he'll be right behind you.

lt's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

l just thought l'd slip that in.

l've done a couple of interviews on television.

l've done Des O'Connor, Parkinson.

l was all right, but l wasn't brilliant and l'd like to get better.

l'd like to practise with a member of the audience, doing an interview.

- Would anyone like to interview me? - (Woman) Yes.

Yes. Right. Her.

What's your name? What?

(lnaudible response)

We'll discuss it here because it sounds like you don't have a proper name.

The lady in the blue, as you will now be known.

You want to stick a mic on her? Unless you're busy.

Unless you're busy standing by a door.

l'll be honest, she could get up as well. Christ!

Thank God she could get up, cos that would...

Come over here.

- Come and sit down. Hello. - l thought l was sitting in my own chair.

ln your own chair? Unlucky.

- l thought it was a joke. - Well, it sort of is.

Have you not seen a pattern emerging? There's a list of questions.

- l don't make up my own questions? - You can. Feel free.

- My name is Blanid. - Blanid?

- lt's lrish. - lt's lrish for what? Typo?

- l'm not saying. - What is it lrish for?

- (Man) Flower. - That's it. Yeah.

- What kind of flower? - Little flower.

- Not self-raising? - No.

- Little flower? - Yeah.

- lt's not difficult. - ls it spelt...

Oh, well, fair enough. All right, little flower.

l worry, on the DVD, if you're watching at home,

l can pronounce ''blonde'', right?

Blanid. Go ahead.

Kick off. Ask anything you want. l've got those there but you know...

Do you want me to speak from this? Do you want me to ask these questions?

lt's not complicated.

- OK. - Right back at you.

lt would appear, Blanid, l've got the skills to pay the bills.

- Great to have you here. - Great to be here.

What do you...

Try and hold it together. You're not Graham Norton.

No, l'm not Graham Norton. What do you think about fame?

l'm glad you've asked. A lot of people let their first taste of fame go to their heads.

They end up talking about themselves in the third person.

Let me assure you Jimmy Carr's not gonna let that happen.

Who would you most like to sleep with, anyone living or dead?

Anyone living.

What...

This could take a while.

Which is your greatest regret?

They say you should regret the things you have done

but my greatest regret is something l didn't do, a girl called Barbara.

OK. What...

Do l look like a wife-beater now, because she's crying?

(Blanid gasps)

- l'm sorry. - No, it's fine.

l think l might be giving her an orgasm.

l've never seen it before. l've got no frame of reference.

Don't worry, you're not.

Don't have a go.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

Hello, l'm Jimmy Carr.

All l'm saying is... When you think about it...

Can l park here? ls it in yet?

Where do you get your ideas from?

l think it's the cerebellum but it could be the frontal cortex.

- Which book changed your life? - Heidegger's Being And Nothingness.

- What is your most embarrassing... - Hang on. There's more to that.

Feed line, punch line, then we move on.

OK, go for it. What is your favourite record of all time?

lt's a different question.

- Go back to the book, damn it. - OK.

- What book changed your life? - Being And Nothingness.

Before l got that book, we had a wonky table in the kitchen.

What's...

What's the worst heckle you've ever had?

l was doing a gig in Bristol and told a joke.

''Has anyone been caught thieving in the Middle East?

''Let's have a show of hands.''

A bloke about four rows back held up a hook.

Properly Abu Hamza style.

To my eternal shame l said, ''Give him a big hand.''

- You're going to edit all this, l hope. - Well, your bits, yeah.

How do you relax?

l put Smarties tubes on cats' legs and make them walk like a robot.

lf l'm really tense, l make it go down the stairs.

- They get a bit confused. - Yeah.

A cat looking confused is brilliant. Little face...

- What makes you angry? - When l can't get the lid off the Valium.

Which historical figure do you most admire?

Joan of Arc. Lovely tits.

What would you like to do before you die?

Kylie.

So predictable.

Any other questions of your own... Any other questions of your own?

Any questions?

Most people would just read that and think of a question.

Oh...

So you're lrish, are you?

lmagine my surprise. Where in lreland?

- Dublin. - l'm actually a ''plastic Paddy''.

- l've got lrish parents. - But you grew up in England?

No, l was born in lreland, lrish passport, lrish parents...

l've got an lrish passport, everything lrish.

But l speak like this because l was educated in the UK.

Goes to show what you can do when you apply yourself.

Every time l speak to an lrish person, l'm saddened.

l think it doesn't have to be this way.

Well, l think you've done a wonderful job, Blon... Blondee.

- Blanid. - Blanid.

Thank you. Thanks very much for talking to me.

- Thank you... - Johnny... Jimmy... Sorry.

That was low, wasn't it?

Give her a big round of applause. Thank you very much indeed.

Thanks very much. That was lovely.

lf you had to choose between saving your life and a loved one's,

most people agree it would make a great game show.

Mother always said, ''lf you haven't got anything nice to say, fuck off.''

l read about Margaret Thatcher talking about her funeral.

''l don't want my funeral to be a morbid affair. l want it to be a celebration.''

l thought, ''You won't be disappointed, love.''

l visited my sister's baby. She said, ''Want to wind him?''

l said, ''l'll give him a dead leg, shall l?''

Cats have got nine lives, which makes them ideal for experimentation.

A dog is for life, not just for Christmas,

so do be careful at the office party.

Watching sex on telly with Mum and Dad is embarrassing.

l didn't know they knew how to use the camcorder.

A common male fantasy is two women at the same time.

One to cook, one to clean.

(Groaning)

Easy. l'm joking. They want to fuck them.

l live quite near a special needs school.

There's a sign outside. lt says, ''Slow children''.

l thought that can't do much for their self-esteem.

But look on the positive side. They can't read it.

l'm afraid that's almost all l've got time for this evening.

But l'd like to go through some Jimmy Carr merchandise,

if we could just lock the doors.

l've gone for some comedy T-shirts, which l'd like to show you.

The comedy T-shirt, it's an underutilised medium, in my opinion.

Hang on. What? lt's a perfectly normal thing to do.

Sell a bit of ware. The Rolling Stones do it. Why not me?

This is the first one l did. ''l'm with stupid.'' What do you think?

You could wear it and the person next to you...

lt's got ''jimmycarr.com'' on the sleeve.

On the back it says, ''National Association of Special Needs Carers''.

Who thought that was it?

''My girlfriend went on a UN trip to investigate child labour in the Far East

''and all l got was this lousy T-shirt.''

There's a very serious issue. Children are working 80 hours a week

in sweatshops stitching trainers.

l wouldn't mind, but it's the workmanship that suffers.

This is rather predictable. ''The Christian Alliance Against Bad Language...

''Can Fuck Off.''

Another religious one. This is the best-selling T-shirt ever.

''Jesus loves you.'' The most popular T-shirt ever.

''He's not 'in love' with you.''

l was gonna go for ''He's not fussy about looks.'' But l thought no.

lncidentally, if we're all God's children,

what's so special about Jesus?

This is ''Love hurts''. That's a nice sentiment, isn't it?

Shows a sensitive side. ''Love hurts.

''Try a lubricated finger.''

This needs explaining. ''True love waits.'' The slogan of the Promise Keepers.

They're a group who believe in holding on to their virginity until marriage.

Britney Spears was a member. There's footage of her leaving on the internet.

''True love waits'' is such a lovely slogan. lt deserves a T-shirt.

''Pulls out and comes on her tits.''

l imagine you've got the hang of this. Guess this one.

lt's ''See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.''

No idea? ''See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

''Rohypnol.''

There was a story in the paper earlier this year

about an Englishman arrested in Ayia Napa for taking advantage of girls

by putting Rohypnol in their drinks.

What's the world coming to? ln Ayia Napa?

You're telling me Rohypnol is now cheaper than Bacardi Breezers?

Now, this one... The man on my right, your left, is on fire.

Can you all see that? He's on fire.

''Special Olympics torch arrives.''

l did briefly consider the phrase ''flame-retarded''. l thought no.

Let's not get out of hand.

This is the last one. l'm going to leave you with this.

This is a lovely T-shirt.

''World's Best Dad.''

- Are there any dads in? - Yes.

This may be a nice thing to wear round the house. Wear it with pride.

''World's Best Dad.

''l fucked your mum.''

l've been Jimmy Carr. You've been absolutely lovely. Thank you. Cheers.

(Cheering and whistling)

(Cheering and whistling)

Has this happened to you? You've had a good day at work, done everything,

and then you've been kept behind at the end for some reason.

Anyway, thanks very much.

Right, the encore. l suppose l'd better do some more jokes, really.

- How many do you want? - (Man) Ten.

l can do ten. Shall we count them down?

Yeah, why don't we count them down? Fuck it.

My friend reckons the way to drive a man wild with desire

is to nibble on his ear lobes for hours and hours.

l think it's bollocks.

One. One.

Hang on. All together or not at all.

(All) One.

We've got to do this ten times. l've talked myself into a corner.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex.

Not the best advice l've ever been given.

l burst in and said, ''Can l have a new bike?''

He was very upset.

His secretary was surprisingly nice about it.

l got the bike.

(All) Two.

At the races, my friend said, ''Don't back the heavily-handicapped horses.''

l said, ''l'm not a fucking idiot.

l know that for them it's all about taking part.

ln their own way, they're all winners.''

(Audience) Three.

ln Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato.

Correct me if l'm wrong - that's a pizza.

(Audience) Four.

Well, four and fuck off.

Not you.

A lot of people say men with big flashy cars have tiny cocks.

Am l the only one that reckons women with Espaces and people-carriers...

Well, clearly not.

l thought l was gonna have to say ''bucket fanny''.

Thankfully, that's been avoided.

(Audience) Five.

Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be three things.

lt could be cystitis, it could be a bush fire...

or it could be someone's talking about your vagina.

(Audience) Six.

When it comes to charity, a lot of people will stop at nothing.

(Audience) Seven.

l saw a charity appeal in the Guardian a few weeks ago.

''Little Zuki has to walk 15 miles every day to fetch water.''

l couldn't help thinking...

''She should move.''

(Audience) Eight.

l've sponsored a child in Africa. She's got the Jimmy Carr T-shirt and hat.

But l worry if it's doing any good. l've not got any more bookings.

(Audience) Nine.

l was out collecting for a sponsored walk.

ln the end l raised so much money, l was able to afford a taxi.

(Audience) Ten.

Just before the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen...

- We've had fun, haven't we? - (All) Yes.

lt was a laugh. l enjoyed myself.

Fuck you.

No, thank you very much for coming.

l don't want to bring you down

but l'd like to tell you this frightening fact, to end on this.

lf you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in just one week,

you could feed the Third World for one year.

l don't know about you, but l can't help feeling

we're being overcharged for our groceries.

l've been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed.

Cheers.

(Whistling and cheering)

Thanks very much.

Cheers. Bye.

(Band plays National Anthem)