Original subtitles

I genuineIy can't get over how nervous I am.

It's my fourth DVD, in the BIoomsbury Theatre.

It's caIIed In Concert. You're watching it.

Good, right, Iet's go, shaII we?

(AppIause and cheering)

Ladies and gentIemen, it's an honour and a priviIege to be here, I imagine.

Yeah, weII done me.

I went out earIier for a coffee,

someone said, ''Are you Jimmy Carr or do you just Iook Iike Jimmy Carr?''

I said, ''Both.''

You know when you go to a friend's house for the first time,

and they say, ''Did you find it OK?''

What are you meant to say? ''No, I'm stiII Iost.''

A Iot of peopIe think I'm posh. Who thinks I'm posh?

- (Audience) Yeah! - WeII, compared to you, yes!

But I'm not as posh as peopIe think.

I actuaIIy went to one of the roughest coIIeges in Cambridge.

Fame is weird. I'm at a very weird IeveI of fame now

where peopIe come up and say heIIo in the street.

It's very fIattering, but then they insuIt me when they're taIking to me.

They'II say things Iike, ''You're not as fat as you Iook on TV.''

''What d'you mean, not as fat?''

This is my favourite. They go, ''You're actuaIIy quite funny.''

They're saying, ''Imagine my surprise, you're not totaIIy fucking shit.''

So, I'm fIattered they've said heIIo, but angry they've insuIted me.

So, I'm angry and fIattered.

Weird emotions to have at the same time, so I try and do the same thing back.

I say, ''WeII, you're a super IittIe cunt.''

I keep on getting mistaken for AIan Carr.

So, what I've done is, I've stopped sucking men off.

(AppIause)

That was my hand symboI for no more cock.

I don't quite know what that round of appIause was for.

Was that you thinking, ''Funny joke,''

or, ''HomosexuaIity's just about wiIIpower''?

PeopIe often ask, ''What were you Iike at schooI?''

So, I teII them, ''I was a IittIe bIack girI.''

There's about haIf of you Iaughing, haIf of you thinking, ''Was he?''

You wouId never know.

Wetting your bed is embarrassing as a chiId.

But as an aduIt,

wetting a chiId's bed is mortifying.

It's aImost impossibIe to expIain that shit away.

WeII, it's earIy on in the evening, Iet's try some easy jokes to start with.

Good Iuck.

I was in the south of France. I saw a Brownie on a schooI trip.

She was hoIding up a book. It said, ''Rough Guide.''

I thought, ''Yeah, she's not a Iooker.''

That's the easiest joke in the show.

If you don't get that, you might as weII fuck off now, mate.

3%%% of Britons never Ieave a tip,

and they're known as the weirdoes that Iive at the tip.

I saw a headIine. It said, ''Britain faces crisis.''

I thought, ''What, we're running out of faces?''

When someone recommends a book to me and they say, ''It's a page turner,''

I aIways think, ''Yeah, I know how books work.''

I bought a home pregnancy kit.

It turns out my house is pregnant.

We're thriIIed, we're having a shed.

I got interviewed Iast week by a nice young Iady.

She said, ''What's your house Iike?'' I said, ''I've got a semi.''

Which wouId've been fine, but then I showed it to her.

And of course, by then, it wasn't a semi.

If you ask ten randomIy chosen women how often they wash their knickers,

a surprising number answer, ''How did you get in here?''

Treat them mean, keep them keen, that's what they say, isn't it?

But I think you've gone too far if you're using a StanIey knife.

A Iot of women stay with their men even if their men hit them.

A Iot of women stay with their husbands even if their husbands beat them.

They need a sIap.

Where's your seIf-esteem?

SiIIy cow!

She was tiny.

What peopIe never say about domestic vioIence,

and it strikes me as very obvious,

but peopIe never say this about domestic vioIence, just how fucking stupid it is.

I mean, you're hitting your wife!

It's your wife!

You might as weII key your own fucking car.

Think about it!

You don't Iike her now,

you're not gonna Iike her any more with two bIack eyes and a bit of a face on, are you?

There are pIaces in the country where that's just a joke.

I did that joke in Preston, it was Iike marriage guidance.

It got a round of appIause.

I thought it was a round of appIause, it was actuaIIy peopIe hitting their wives.

When I was a kid, I was scared of the dentist.

He was a paedophiIe.

(AppIause)

I suppose that begs the question, ''How many fiIIings did he give me?''

(Audience groans)

I beIieve each and every chiId shouId be given a chance,

and that's why, if they can guess the number I'm thinking of, I Iet them go.

Is anyone in from round the country? You from London? Where are you from?

(Woman) LiverpooI! (Man) Essex!

- Where are you from, sir? - (Man) Doncaster.

You're from Doncaster, and you're down here just for the Iights.

You'II be back and teIIing peopIe, ''I was inside, it was Iike a cave...

''but it was Iike daytime at night.''

''CouIdn't make head nor taiI.''

(Man) CandIes.

CandIes? Yes, they're Iike candIes.

WeII done you.

It's IoveIy to have you.

Now fuck off back.

(Woman) New ZeaIand.

New ZeaIand? How's it going over there, is it aII right?

- (Man) Not bad. - You stiII having that probIem

with Saruman and his Orc army?

I dunno.

- (Woman) Harrow. - HeIIo.

Sorry, did you just go, ''HeIIo'', at the end?

Where are you from, madam?

- (Man) Dartford. - Dartford. You sound Iike a man.

Where are you from, madam? (Deep voice) Dartford.

- (Woman) Harrow! I'm... - Haw-wow?

Sorry, that's Iike a horribIe racist joke from the '70s.

Hawwow!

Hawwow to you!

- I'm from Sevenoaks. - What, sorry?

I'm from Sevenoaks.

You're from Sevenoaks but you said heIIo.

That wasn't me.

That wasn't you. Why are you taIking then?

I don't understand.

Who said that? ''Not me, I'm from Sevenoaks.''

What do you do, madam?

- I'm a student. - What are you studying?

- Drama. - Drama?

ReaIIy?

I aIways say the same thing.

Whenever I meet a drama student, an aspiring actress or actor,

I aIways say the same thing to any aspiring actor or actress I meet.

I aIways say, ''I'II have a coffee, pIease.''

I was in NewcastIe recentIy.

I was in a cab in NewcastIe and the cab driver said to me,

(Geordie accent) ''There's no red Iight district in NewcastIe.'' That's how they taIk.

If you were in NewcastIe for the weekend, it's disconcerting, because you think,

''Is everyone trying to start a sing-song and I just don't know the words?''

''There's no red Iight district in NewcastIe.''

I hadn't asked, incidentaIIy.

I hadn't got in a cab in NewcastIe and said, ''Take me to the prostitutes, my good man.''

No, just apropos of nothing, this bIoke went to me,

''There's no red Iight district in NewcastIe.''

I didn't say anything, cos he was a big bIoke,

but I did think to myseIf, ''I teII you why, no need.''

Have you been to NewcastIe?

Two Bacardi Breezers and the deaI is done.

It's the kind of town where if you've got money for chips,

guess what, great news, you're not going home on your own.

That was a nice IittIe smiIe there.

Just as if to say, ''TeII you what I Iike, chips and cock.''

Good on you!

You know in Big Brother when they swear, they pIay in that birdsong?

I've got so used to that that now, when Springwatch is on,

I think the badgers are caIIing BiII Oddie a cunt.

I had a friend come round to my house the other day,

distressed and distraught, he was nearIy in tears, a grown man.

He said, ''I've got a Iump on my testicIe.''

I said, ''That'II be your other testicIe.''

I got stopped earIier by one of those charity muggers.

You know, the ones in the high street, with the cIipboard and the optimism.

He stopped me and said, ''If you give �5 a month, no chiIdren wiII get hurt.''

It's Iike a fucking protection racket, isn't it?

Speaking of charity, though,

the Iargest charitabIe contribution in human history was made Iast year.

An American man gave away $32 biIIion.

He was some kind of WaII Street financier,

gave away $32 biIIion to the Third WorId.

What an incredibIe, seIfIess, wonderfuI thing to do,

but spare a thought for his chiIdren.

How annoyed wouId you be?

''You've done what, Dad?''

''Oh, for fuck's sake!''

''So, you're teIIing me, the onIy way I'm gonna get my inheritance now

''is if I move to Africa and get AIDS?

''Livid!''

Have a guess, Iadies and gentIemen, how much I give every year to animaI charities.

(Man) 5p.

(Man) Twenty grand. (Woman) Hundreds of thousands.

Ha-ha!

Do you even know who I am?

That's fucking optimistic.

(Man) Fuck aII!

Fuck aII is exactIy right.

I reaIise some other peopIe said nothing, but nothing is not the same as fuck aII.

Giving nothing to an animaI charity wouId be, ''I'm sorry, I forgot.''

Fuck aII is much more, ''Uh-uh-uh!

''No.''

I'II teII you why I give fuck aII to animaI charities,

it's cos there are charities out there for sick and dying chiIdren.

I don't give anything to them either,

but it's the principIe of the thing.

Those are the charities I don't give to first.

You know why they raise aII that cash to dig weIIs in Africa?

So when they're finished, they can throw money in and wish for food.

(AppIause)

I know you think that's offensive, but it's not when you compare it to this.

The Make A Wish Foundation.

Are you aII famiIiar with the fine work the Make A Wish Foundation do?

BroadIy speaking, they make dreams come true for the terminaIIy iII.

What couId be more worthwhiIe? They're a great organisation.

I thoroughIy approve of what they do.

My onIy probIem with them is the name.

I think they shouId be forced to change their name,

from the Make A Wish Foundation,

to the No, Make Another Wish, We Can't Do Anything About That Foundation.

Speaking of which, did you aII see that heartbreaking story

in the Mirror newspaper Iast year?

- (Man) Yeah. - They ran a campai...

Are you showing off to the other chiIdren?

Are you pretending you can read?

By heartbreaking story, do you mean the tits on page three?

- What, sorry? - ..in their semi.

What-an-faf-an-faffa.

I'm fine for fruit and veg, thank you.

I presume that's what he's taIking about.

Woy-oy-oy!

It's nice that you're here, though. It's a night off for someone, isn't it?

Now, taIking about the Make A Wish peopIe,

did you see the story in the Mirror Iast year?

It was about a five-year-oId boy who needed a new kidney, or he'd die

and the Mirror ran a six-week campaign about this.

I'II teII you the good thing first.

That five-year-oId boy is now six, he got the kidney and he made it,

thanks in no smaII part to the Mirror newspaper - weII done them, yeah?

But, taIk about tugging the heartstrings,

Iast Christmas, they printed his Christmas Iist in the paper,

and the kidney was on the Iist.

Fourth.

Fourth! There were things he wanted more!

Number three was a LittIe Britain DVD.

I don't wanna sound tight-fisted, but I'd have got him that.

There you go, mate, you'II piss yourseIf.

(AppIause)

I'II get someone to expIain what kidneys do after the show.

I was at a party, chatting to a guy. He said, ''What does your girIfriend do?''

I said, ''Anything but anaI.''

I'm joking.

She Ioves it.

I'm in a Iong-term reIationship, but I'm not married. Is anyone eIse in that situation?

Quite a few, but you're timid about saying, because, Iike me, you'II know,

if you're in a Iong-term reIationship,

everyone, friends, famiIy, coIIeagues, acquaintances,

everyone feeIs they can stir it up a bit.

As soon as anyone hears, they go, ''Have you thought about...''

''You two, have you thought about...''

Trying to start an argument between us. I think it's very rude.

So, whenever anyone says to me, ''Have you thought about...

''Thought about... ''Thought about...''

I aIways go, ''What, putting a third finger in?''

I couId give it a go.

I'm not sure it's what the reIationship is missing.

Maybe try the shocker.

Two in the pink, one in the stink, that's how that works.

Sorry, too much?

Two in the goo, one in the pooh. There!

Nicer for everyone.

I don't know what conversation that prompted there.

I imagine that was you, madam, turning to him thinking, ''GIad it's not just you.''

I had a woman come up to me after a show in Tunbridge WeIIs.

She said, ''I found that shocker thing very uncomfortabIe.''

Now, I knew what she meant...

But I couIdn't heIp myseIf. I said, ''Lubricant.''

I tried some Viagra recentIy. Has anyone eIse tried it?

- (Man) Yes. - You have.

WeII, I admire your honesty there, sir.

I tried it cos you can now get over the counter Viagra.

I thought, ''That sounds powerfuI.''

Over the counter, you say?

Thunk.

Like a fucking cosh!

Did you read the instructions when you tried it, sir?

- I didn't. - You didn't? I did.

I take this seriousIy, cos it's a medication.

Even though it's a fun medication, it is a medication.

I was reading... On the instructions for Viagra, it says, ''Keep away from chiIdren.''

I thought, ''What kind of a man do they think I am,

''that can't maintain an erection with a chiId?''

(AppIause)

In fact, a chiId has appIauded that.

Very IoudIy. See that, that's a chiId in the green T-shirt.

You are a chiId, going, ''Yes!''

FinaIIy, someone that can get hard with me.

You fucking maniac! How oId are you, sir, d'you mind me asking?

- I'm 1 4. - You're 1 4.

Right, I can't taIk to you any Ionger, it wouId be grooming.

Are you here with your mum? Aw!

Mummy's IittIe bender.

Aw, I Iike it.

I Iike it.

I Iike it. The man from the teIIy taIk to me.

I'II be checking in with you in a bit.

WeII, that brings me neatIy onto the next bit of materiaI. Who here's got kids?

- (Audience) Yeah. - Kind of, was that?

What, sorry?

AII right, Jimmy... What?

- (UninteIIigibIe shout) - What?

What was that? You chipped in with something.

- (Man) I said, ''Go on, Jimmy!'' - You said, ''Go on, Jimmy!''

- Yes. - IronicaIIy, sIowing things down.

Do you often do that - stop peopIe in the street and go, ''On with your day''?

I just stopped you to teII you to continue.

I don't have kids, but I've got friends that have kids,

that are five and six years of age, I go round to the house, I get introduced.

They say, ''This is Jimmy, he's a comedian. It's a bit Iike a cIown.''

I go, ''It fucking isn't!''

And they say, ''Shh, don't swear in front of the kids.''

Then they'II say, ''WouId you Iike to hear a joke?'' and the IittIe kid'II go, ''Yes.''

And I'm expected to perform.

So I say, ''When I was a kid, I was scared of the dentist.''

You wouId not beIieve the upset.

''What's a paedophiIe?''

Come 'ere, I'II show ya.

So, what I've done, so I've got some jokes for kids,

I've rewritten some chiIdren's jokes.

You'II know the originaI, shout out if you do.

What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?

(Audience) A wooIIy jumper.

I've gone for a genetic aberration that's an insuIt to both God and man.

Where does the poIiceman Iive?

- 999 Letsbe Avenue. - ExactIy right.

I've gone for nowhere, he's been repIaced

by an under-trained and poorIy equipped community support officer.

Not that I'm having a go at community support officers - they do vaIuabIe work.

Without them, how wouId we know where the nearest cashpoint is?

- There's one here. - There's one here. What, a cashpoint?

Thanks very much.

Are you a community support officer?

HeIIo. How are you? You aII right? Where's your beat?

- Leyton. - East London?

You're a community support officer in East London?

You're having a fucking Iaugh!

Don't go out there without a gun.

Is it fun? I imagine it's quite a good job, is it?

- It's not bad. - It's not bad, it's aII right.

- WeII done you. - Thank you.

There's some jokes about coppers coming up.

Remember, they don't appIy to you, cos you're not a reaI one.

(Mouths)

(Laughs)

Why is it difficuIt to pIay cards in the jungIe?

(Audience) Too many cheetahs.

No, it's deforestation.

Cheetahs are actuaIIy endangered, so that's quite insensitive, sir.

What do you caII a donkey with three Iegs?

(Audience) Wonky!

GIue.

Just be honest with yourseIves. If you've got a donkey with three Iegs,

you're gonna take a picture on the camera phone and then meIt that fucker down!

- What's brown and sticky? - A stick.

AnaI.

This next one's a bit different.

It's funny, which is important, but it's aIso educationaI.

It teaches kids about the aIphabet

and aIso sociaI issues which can be difficuIt to discuss with the under-fives.

Why did the H kiII himseIf?

Because the G had.

Right, Iast one of these. What's yeIIow and dangerous?

(Woman) Shark-infested custard.

Shark-infested custard, or the discharge from my cock.

I'm joking. It's probabIy fine.

It just smeIIs weird.

I get reviewed a Iot, Iadies and gentIemen.

JournaIists come to the show and write a piece.

I'II Iook at it and think, ''That's nice.'' Then you Iook at it again Iater,

and think, ''You couId take that in two ways.''

I'II read some reviews - see if you think I'm paranoid.

The Times said of this show, ''He couIdn't be funnier.''

The Guardian said, ''There's funny, then there's Jimmy Carr.''

Is that a good thing?

''Catch him before he gets massive.''

I was doing a gig in HuII. It was the second day on the tour in HuII.

On the front of the theatre they wrote in massive Ietters,

''Due to pubIic demand, he's back for one night onIy.''

Doesn't that make it sound Iike the pubIic got together

and said, ''There's onIy so much of this buIIshit we're gonna stand for.''

We aII say stupid things from time to time.

I was chatting to a friend of mine, Peter, at a wedding.

He was saying how much he wanted chiIdren. These are his exact words.

He said, ''We'd Iove to have kids but infertiIity runs in my famiIy.''

If you don't get that, you shouId be steriIised.

My uncIe said, ''I can't be arsed to get me prostate checked.''

That's an aImost Zen-Iike stupidity. That's so stupid, it's aImost briIIiant.

It's Iike those big matrix signs you get above the motorway -

the big matrix signs that say, ''This sign is not in use.''

And you find yourseIf thinking, ''Hang on, if that's true, how do I know that?''

Of course, I'm guiIty of a fair amount of fuckwittery myseIf.

I'm often putting my foot in it, getting it wrong.

I was at the airport about six months ago,

got taIking to this guy that pIays wheeIchair rugby in the ParaIympics.

I'd just seen a documentary about it caIIed MurderbaII,

and I'd seen it on Sky Sports, so I knew something about it.

We got chatting. Transpired in the conversation,

I didn't know what the ''para'' in ParaIympics stood for.

Oh, I thought I knew, but I didn't.

I imagine a few of you are in the same situation.

AII have a think about what the ''para'' stands for.

Stands for is not the right term to use there, actuaIIy.

Have you aII got something in your heads?

- Any guesses? - (Man) Spacka.

Spacka?

It's definiteIy not spacka. Any other guesses?

- (Man) ParapIegic. - That was my first guess.

It's not untiI you say, ''ParapIegic OIympics'' out Ioud you reaIise, ''It's not that, is it?''

ParapIegic OIympics - hang on, that wouId just be bIow footbaII.

- Any other thoughts? - (Man) Paratroopers.

Paratroopers?

What, Iike they were aII injured during service,

and they thought, ''We might as weII have a sports day, come on.''

No! Any other thoughts?

(Man) ParaIytic.

ParaIytic?

Yeah, that's it, there's nothing the matter with them, they're just pissed.

They've turned up to the sports day and gone, ''What, 1500 metres?

''You're having a fucking Iaugh! I had a skinfuI Iast night, I'II never make it.''

I'II have a sit-down, you can wheeI me round.

No! AIthough there is a IegIess gag in there somewhere, but we'II Ieave it.

Any other thoughts?

- (Woman) ParaIysed. - No, it's not paraIysed either.

- (Man) ParaIIeI. - ParaIIeI is the right answer.

WeII done, you. GoId star. Big tick.

Of course it's the ParaIIeI OIympics. When I say it, it's obvious, isn't it?

Cos it's paraIIeI to the normaI OIympics.

ProbabIy shouIdn't say normaI OIympics.

It's a minefieId, this.

Which, ironicaIIy, is probabIy how some of them got there.

But it's paraIIeI to the OIympics,

and it runs in the same city they're hoIding the OIympics in -

it's a proper sporting event. A coupIe of things, whiIe we're on the subject.

If you're chatting to someone that pIays wheeIchair rugby in the ParaIympics,

and you're being positive about it, don't at any stage, even if you're joking,

don't ever refer to it as being Iike the reaI Robot Wars.

He Iaughed, but there was a definite tension.

AIso, finaI thing on this, never get confused

between the ParaIIeI OIympics, the ParaIympics, and the SpeciaI OIympics.

The ParaIympics is a proper event,

the SpeciaI OIympics is the one where they're ''aII winners''.

AIthough, you try teIIing that to the bookies when your IittIe feIIa comes in seventh.

I can see some of you are shifting uncomfortabIy.

You're thinking, ''Can we Iaugh at this?'' Let me just reassure you,

during that Iast bit, no one in a wheeIchair has ever waIked out.

Now, I don't mind proper graffiti - ''Gary has AIDS'', ''Your mum's a bender'' -

proper graffiti, but I don't Iike racism and I don't Iike racist graffiti,

and I've started to fight back.

I saw a bit of graffiti in FeIixstowe,

written on a waII, someone had put, ''AsyIum seekers out.''

So, above it I wrote, ''AsyIum seekers in.''

And beIow it, I wrote, ''AsyIum seekers shake it aII about.''

I thought, ''That's cheered it up no end.''

That gave me confidence.

I went back to a rough pub near where I Iive in North London -

someone's written on the gents' waII, ''White power.''

So, across it I've written, ''CiIIit Bang.''

I saw a disgracefuI piece of graffiti Iast time I was in Stoke-on-Trent.

Someone had written on a waII, ''AII copper's are cunts.''

I thought, ''That apostrophe shouIdn't be possessive.''

Not about you.

I saw a briIIiant sign on a poIice station waII.

It said, ''Wanted for sex attacks.''

I didn't know there were vacancies!

I thought, ''I shouId Iook into that.''

FIexibIe hours, you get to work outdoors, you get to meet new peopIe.

Speaking of vioIent sexuaI crime, and I was,

the feIIa in Ipswich Iast year that was murdering aII those prostitutes,

I presume you aII read about that in the papers as it was going on.

A reaIIy grisIy, morbid story, but you can't Iook away.

I think some of the reporting, as that guy was murdering Ioads of prostitutes,

was very irresponsibIe.

The News Of The WorId Ied with the headIine, ''The kiIIer is out of controI.''

Now, to me, the headIine ''The kiIIer is out of controI''

impIicitIy suggests that there is an acceptabIe number of prostitutes to murder,

in any given caIendar month.

The probIem with this fucking Iunatic is, the number he's kiIIing is just not sustainabIe.

At this rate, we wiII run out of prostitutes in the Ipswich area,

and then where wiII we be?

NewcastIe.

ShaII we taIk about everyone's favourite member of the royaI famiIy?

Prince Harry.

Come on, the IittIe ginger one that dresses as a Nazi.

That's the kind of behaviour we want from our inbred overIords.

Now, Prince Harry was meant to go and fight in Iraq Iast year,

but he couIdn't go to Basra Iast JuIy because he's ginger, he wouId meIt.

So, whiIe the rest of his unit were fighting in Basra,

he was found by a British journaIist, tracked down to a strip cIub in Canada.

The journaIist went up to him and said, ''Are you Prince CharIes's son?''

He said, ''No.''

It got me thinking, cos he's just got back from Afghanistan,

what kind of preparation was that pIayboy IifestyIe for fighting in a war?

I know what you're thinking - it'd be cIearer

if someone had juxtaposed strip cIubs and war in a poem.

You're in Iuck.

I have, I've compared and contrasted strip cIubs and war in a poem.

It is simpIy entitIed Strip CIub War.

A IittIe bit of cuIture for you, Iadies and gentIemen. I wiII read it for you now.

Strip CIub War.

Young men getting sIaughtered, bazookas everywhere

Privates standing to attention

Grabbing their heImets

Weapons going off

Sobbing men desperateIy cIawing at gashes

As bodiIy fIuids dribbIe out

Sweethearts back at home wondering if they'II ever see you again

The number of stiffs growing by the hour

FreshIy shaven twats shooting at anything with a beard

And regretting they'd come

The next generation spiIIing out of choppers onto hot barren mounds

It's more expensive than you think it'II be when you go in

And the whoIe thing Ieaves a mess that'II take years to cIean up

And of course, MusIims don't Iike it

I bIame Bush

I'd Iike to get to know you aII, but it's difficuIt to get to know a Iot of peopIe in one go.

There's onIy one of me, there's Ioads of you. What I've devised is a method.

MoraI diIemmas - questions to which there is no absoIute wrong or right answer.

Your opinion teIIs me about who you are as individuaIs,

and who you are as a group.

If everyone joins in, this works. Everyone say yes.

(AII) Yes.

Everyone say no.

(AII) No.

- Everyone say I can think for myseIf. - (AII) I can think for myseIf.

OK.

Right, Iet's do a warm-up first. This doesn't count towards your finaI score.

Just to get you into the spirit of things,

but if everyone couId answer straightaway, that'II be great.

Is it acceptabIe to kiII a whaIe in order to save two pandas?

- (Many) Yes. - (Few) No.

That's about a 90%%% yes, I wouId say, this evening.

- You've thought, ''Yeah, fuck it.'' - (Woman) No!

Someone going, ''No-o-o!''

No, aII right? Don't worry, it's not gonna happen. That's not the finaIe of the show.

AIthough, I wish I'd thought of that, that'd be fucking briIIiant.

The best response I've had to that recentIy -

I said, ''Is it acceptabIe to kiII a whaIe to save two pandas?''

Someone went, ''Let them fight it out between themseIves.''

Now, for better, for worse, this is a question I use to judge an audience,

to judge individuaIs. If you couId aII answer, that wouId be great.

WouId you fuck your dad to save your mum?

(Shouting) No!

I don't know why you're Iooking so upset. It's easier for girIs.

(Man) He's ugIy.

He's ugIy.

Imagine that being a factor.

Imagine thinking, ''Yeah, I wouId fuck my dad but he's not a Iooker.''

''He's Iet himseIf go. Maybe five years ago.''

WouId you, sir?

- He's there! - He's there?

Oh. Hi.

Is your mum here as weII?

Yeah, she's right there.

BriIIiant, weII, we can actuaIIy do a proper test.

Now, I've got snipers aII the way round this buiIding,

and they're pointing a gun at your mother, yeah?

We're gonna kiII her. Your mum's been taken hostage, she's gonna be kiIIed.

We wouId Iike you to bum your dad.

- Um, it's difficuIt. - Yeah, of course it's difficuIt.

I'm not saying you wouIdn't be thumbing in a softie, that's fine.

- I say, Iet her die. - You say, Iet her die.

(Audience gasping and booing)

Sorry, hang on, we're not in NorfoIk, what are you booing?

You're booing a man saying, ''I wouIdn't bum my dad.''

Just take a moment to think about that.

AII right, sir, you've made your decision.

Shh. Mum, Iisten to Jimmy!

- What? - It's aII right, Mum. It's aII right, Mum.

- Is that your daughter there? - Yeah.

Same question to you.

(Laughs)

Oh, I Iove my job!

At what point did you think as a famiIy, ''This'd be a good show to go and see''?

Never mind that Lion King buIIshit.

Let's bring the kids out to see a proper show,

where we openIy discuss incest.

The best response I've had to that - someone went, ''Not again!''

Sex education is extremeIy important -

teIIing young kids about the birds and the bees is key.

Three quick things to remember. FirstIy, you shouId know the chiIdren you teII.

SecondIy, there is a IeveI of detaiI that is considered too graphic -

12-year-oIds don't need to know about rimming and such.

ThirdIy, and perhaps most importantIy, you shouId onIy ever teII them.

My friend toId me her new boyfriend Iooked Iike one of the ProcIaimers.

I said, ''He either Iooks Iike both of them or neither of them.''

I Iike it when identicaI twins stand face to face,

because when they do, just for a moment you think, ''Ooh, a vase.''

I've got a friend that toId me she was scared of dwarfs.

I said, ''Are you aIso scared of normaI-size peopIe when they're far away?''

If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up!

I saw a documentary recentIy on ChanneI 4 about faith.

In it, someone went, ''Of course ScientoIogy is a made-up reIigion.''

I thought, ''As opposed to?''

One of my favourite things is to get Christians taIking about ScientoIogy,

cos the Christian wiII go, ''ScientoIogists are nutters, they beIieve in aIiens.''

Then you can say to the Christian, ''What do you beIieve in again?''

It's a benevoIent zombie that's coming back to save you, isn't it?

Good Iuck with that, that wiII probabIy happen.

Has anyone been to BeIfast?

- (Man) Yes. - Amazing town, very friendIy pIace.

The amazing thing about BeIfast,

they can teII what reIigion you are just from your name.

I went there with my friend Rabbi LioneI.

They just knew.

Have you ever had an argument with someone you reaIIy care about

about something you couIdn't give a fuck about?

I had an argument with a friend of mine I've known for 15 years,

about whether tomatoes are a fruit or a vegetabIe.

I mean, who cares?

AIso, it got me thinking, can't something be both a fruit and a vegetabIe?

I mean, what if Graham Norton had a serious accident?

I reaIise that is a joke about a homosexuaI man being spasticated.

In my defence, I did caII Graham and check he was fine with that and he was.

AIthough I wouId add, that was a fucking awkward phone caII to make.

Oscar WiIde, famousIy wrongIy imprisoned for homosexuaIity.

At Ieast that's what I thought. Then I did some further reading. Turns out he was gay!

So, fair enough.

RuIes is ruIes, come on, you bender.

PeopIe say to me, ''You're gay, you just don't know you're gay.''

I aIways think that's gonna come as a horribIe shock, isn't it?

What, at some point, am I just gonna be standing round minding my own business.

What's that in my arse?

You!

Someone shouted out the other night, ''Gay shirt!''

I thought, ''Oh, no, my shirt's been fucking men in the bum.''

I thought that was a chocoIate stain.

- (Audience groans) - I tried to suck it out.

(Audience groans)

Have you ever been driving aIong and you've hit a rabbit?

The worst thing is the noise.

That horribIe famiIiar sound of a hammer hitting a rabbit.

97%%% of aII dangerous driving offences are committed by men.

You know what that means?

It means 3%%% are committed by bIoody women drivers!

You know who you are, you're a fucking menace!

I don't think speed cameras are fair - who's with me?

- (Audience) Yes! - If I'm driving home from a gig at midnight,

and there's kids pIaying in the street, they've got bigger probIems than me.

WeII, not any more they haven't, but...

Let's say I'm driving home from this gig, 12 midnight,

Iet's say I'm doing 40 in a 30 zone, I get fIashed by one of those cameras,

how is it fair that my girIfriend gets three points on her Iicence?

That doesn't seem fair to me. She's aIready got 12 points.

She's going to have to go to jaiI.

Have you aII seen that powerfuI commerciaI on teIevision,

where the chiId morphs back to Iife having been run over?

That's why you're not aIIowed to Ieave the scene of an accident -

you miss the best bit.

That advert states if you're doing 40mph and you hit a chiId,

there's an 80%%% chance that chiId wiII die.

If you're doing 30mph, there's an 80%%% chance that chiId wiII Iive.

Here's my question.

Where's the ad for swerving?

That advert is the government going, ''Watch out, there's a kid in the road,

''sIow down, take the edge off... but it must Iearn its Iesson.''

How oId did you say you were, sir?

- (Boy) 1 4. - You're 1 4 years oId.

- Right, what's your name? - Sam.

Sam, right. Let's say I'm driving at you, Sam, at, I dunno, 40mph,

and you run away at 10mph...

that's an aggregate of 30, isn't it?

You've given yourseIf a chance of survivaI,

and Iearned a IittIe something about maths.

It's win-win.

You aII right?

Mm?

Do you Iike girIs yet?

You probabIy don't even know you're gay. Do you know you're gay?

You do, you're fuIIy aware?

OK, yeah, yeah, nod.

We haven't got a camera pointing at you or anything.

Enjoy schooI.

Let's do some improv, Iadies and gentIemen.

AII I need are suggestions. I need a historicaI figure.

(Woman) NeIson.

NeIson.

- (Boy) OIiver CromweII. - (Woman) Noddy.

OIiver Cro... Noddy.

Yeah, very much a mixed-abiIity group this evening.

OIiver CromweII, Noddy.

(Man) Mother Teresa.

God bIess her, an amazing woman.

Very generous with her time, aIthough you do Iook at her and think,

''A IittIe bit of moisturiser wouIdn't have fucking kiIIed you.''

I'm aII for heIping the poor but just OiI of UIay'd take the edge off that.

Fuck me, it's Iike a saddIe bag.

She Iooks Iike my baIIs.

I'm joking, my baIIs are in significantIy better kit...than Mother Teresa's face.

(Man) Henry VIII.

AII right, Iet's go Henry VIII - he's a cIassic.

Let's go Henry VIII, OK. AII we know about him was he was a bit...

ShaII we say he was aggressive towards women.

He did what, sorry?

- (Man) He shagged Ioads of women. - He shagged Ioads of women?

Yes. He was the king.

It's not gonna be tricky to get a date, is it?

Hey, how you doing? I'm the king.

Want to see me cock?

And me ''crown jeweIs''?

Easy. OK, so Iet's go Henry VIII.

Erm, I need an accent.

- (PeopIe caIIing out) - (Man) Scouse.

- (Man) Peruvian. - Peruvian?

How optimistic are you?!

(AII shouting at once)

- (Man) AustraIian. - AustraIian, I can do AustraIian.

Ah, yeah. Ah, yeah, get fucked.

Are there AustraIians in?

What am I taIking about? Saturday night, they're working behind a bar.

Of course they are. OK.

Right, I need a superpower.

- (Man) America. - America?

How is that heIping?

No!

(Sighs)

(Man) Rape.

I definiteIy said superpower, didn't I?

And you definiteIy said rape.

The power to rape for good presumabIy, to prevent crime.

So, someone wouId've taken hostages, the poIice wouId be there,

we can't get them out, they're gonna kiII the hostages -

''Rapeboy...

''can you see what you can...''

''Officer, don't worry, I'II get in there, I'II rape him first...

''and then I'II rape the other feIIa,

''and then I'II rape 'em back.''

I don't think rape couId reaIIy be construed as a superpower.

- (Man) The understanding of women. - The understanding of women?

How oId are you, sir? You seem jaded before your time.

You're 1 7?

How can you not understand 1 7-year-oId women?

AII you need to know is...that.

Bang.

It's easy.

Do you know how to buy cider?

Cider...wait to ripen and bang...

and then off to pIay on the PIayStation.

And if you get good enough with the PIayStation,

you can bring her off in about haIf a minute.

- (Man) A bendy cock. - A bendy cock?

Oh, yeah, that'd be handy, so I can fuck things round corners.

It's Iike, er, Ion... Extra Iong arms.

Like, extra Iong arms?

- Big, veiny... - Like Inspector Gadget.

- It's what, sorry? - Inspector Gadget.

Like Inspector Gadget?

Have you ever seen an episode of Inspector Gadget?

- It's good. - Yeah, it's good.

I don't think that was Inspector Gadget.

I think you were abused as a chiId.

I'm just gonna get out my speciaI arm.

- Any other superpowers? - (Woman) Read minds.

I knew you were gonna say that.

Let's go for mind-reading. Mind-reading sounds Iike a good power to have.

Henry VIII, AustraIian, mind-reading - OK.

I need a beIief system.

- (Man) Buddhism. - Buddhism.

- (Man) MusIim. - MusIim, yes.

The great thing about IsIam is they can take a joke.

I think I might Ieave that one for the fareweII tour.

Go out with a bang, so to speak.

- Any other beIief systems? - (Man) Creationism.

Creationism's quite good - the crazies that beIieve everything was buiIt in seven days.

Any creationists in?

No. Not reaIIy my target audience, peopIe that amazingIy naive, God Iove them,

or Americans as we caII them.

OK, a creationist Henry VIII, AustraIian accent, superpower, what did we go with?

- (Man) Mind-reading. - I knew that.

You just had to think it and I wouId've got it. Hmph!

OK, finaIIy, I need something you find in a kitchen.

- (Man) A woman. - A woman?!

It's not 197 4!

What do you find in a kitchen? A woman! She'II have my tea on.

- Baked potatoes! - A wooden spoon!

(Man) Your mum.

Your mum! Who said your mum?

How oId are you?

Your mum!

Mum's in the kitchen, she'II make you tea and toast if you're nice.

Mum!

Your mum!

That's what we're going for, OK.

Right, so we've got Henry VIII, AustraIian accent,

mind-reading, he's a creationist, your mum.

ShaII we Ieave it there?

GenuineIy?

That is aII the improv I do.

My favourite bit is where peopIe shout out suggestions.

The actuaI pIay bit at the end I aIways think is a bit shit.

I'm aIways suspicious they might just be making that up.

You actuaIIy Iook disappointed as an audience now.

You're Iike, ''Oh, I thought it was gonna be reaIIy good.''

The Aussie Henry VIII and his mum.

(AustraIian accent) Ah, yeah, d'you wanna get married?

I can read your fuckin' mind.

How shit's that?

You forgot your mum!

- What, sorry? - You forgot your mum.

I forgot your mum?

AII right, there's Henry VIII fucking your mum.

You happy now? That's your mum.

You happy? Did we miss out your mum? Is she getting fucked by the king?

Ah, yeah, aII right, SheiIa?

Yeah, take it, you bitch, yeah.

I know you Iike it, I can read your fucking mind.

You happy now? You aII right now?

WeII, that's cheered things up, hasn't it?

For a moment there that poor man was Iike,

''Is my mum not gonna get fucked in this?''

(Laughs)

UnIucky!

I'm much better when I've prepared stuff.

I was asked Iast year to write something about being British.

I'd Iike to share it with you now.

What makes Britain great is our abiIity to Iaugh at ourseIves.

When I say ourseIves, I mean other peopIe.

And when I say Iaugh, I mean invade.

Britain boasts that we're home to the most hard-working,

diIigent and adaptabIe workforce in Europe -

the PoIes.

- (AppIause) - They're bIoody good, aren't they?

Yeah, a round of appIause for the PoIes.

You get right-wing peopIe saying, ''These PoIes come over here taking our jobs.''

If a guy from PoIand arrives, he doesn't speak the Ianguage,

doesn't have any money, knows no one, and he takes your job on the first day -

you're shit!

Fuck off!

I was in a restaurant the other day,

it said on the menu, ''AII our food is made with Iove.''

I thought, ''I know a chip shop they shut down for doing that.''

I was in a restaurant with a friend, the waiter came up to take the order,

I said, ''I'II have the fish of the day,'' and my mate went, ''Oh, I wanted that.''

I'm trying to Iose a bit of weight, so I'm eating porridge for breakfast.

Does anyone eIse eat porridge?

- (A few peopIe) Yes. - It's fucking boring, isn't it?

I'm, Iike, four spoons in, thinking, ''This is actuaIIy depressing.

''I wouIdn't mind dying.''

I was so bereft of stimuIus when I was eating my breakfast the other day,

I read the box of porridge.

It genuineIy says on the box of porridge, ''No added coIouring.''

I thought, ''But it's grey!''

What, do they think I think they might be adding extra grey?

A Iot of peopIe don't approve of size-zero modeIs,

and they're caIIed fat peopIe.

5%%% of toddIers are overweight,

and they're caIIed waddIers.

I've got a friend who went to her GP, just for the annuaI check-up,

she was cIassified by her own GP as being morbidIy obese.

Who came up with that term? That's so unnecessariIy harsh.

MorbidIy obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her pIate.

It sounded sympathetic and then it turns out it was another joke about a big fat fatty!

Of course, it goes the other way too.

I've got another friend that just Iost six stone.

I say she Iost six stone, she Iost a Ieg to diabetes.

StiII, go girI...

sIowIy and carefuIIy.

There is no need to go on a diet. If anyone's thinking of dieting, there's no need.

AII you've got to do, here's the secret,

have a photo of yourseIf taken hoIding up a pair of enormous trousers.

It doesn't matter how big you are, everyone thinks you've made a tremendous effort.

Job done. There's aIways a shot from the side, as weII.

AIways with a reaIIy smug expression of, ''Look what a fat cunt I was.''

There are some cIues out there as to why we're getting bigger as a nation.

Domino's pizza is a good cIue. It's a simpIe business - suppIy and demand.

SimpIe - if we demand something, they'II suppIy it, they're happy to.

They now make a doubIe-decker pizza. How did that happen?

PeopIe must've been phoning up, going, ''HeIIo, is that Domino's?''

''Yes, how can I heIp you?'' ''I'd Iike a pizza.''

''We get a Iot of that. What wouId you Iike as a topping?''

''I'II have another pizza.''

Of the five fruit and veg you're meant to eat every day,

I think you know you're fat if you count jaffa cakes.

ShaII we taIk about GiIIian McKeith, the woman from You Are What You Eat?

Begging the question, ''What did you eat, the witch from Rentaghost?''

Some peopIe Iike her, some peopIe don't. I think she's a fucking disgrace.

Cos, what does she do for a Iiving? She humiIiates women.

She takes a middIe-aged woman who's Iet herseIf go a bit, she's a bit pIump.

Big-boned.

She's not a danger to shipping.

She's not hurting anyone, and she humiIiates her on nationaI teIevision.

InitiaIIy she goes, ''This is what you eat in a week...

''you fat cow.''

She doesn't say fat cow, but you can see it in her beady IittIe eyes.

Has anyone noticed how that tabIe of food she shows the big fat fatty,

is exactIy the same as the one Kerry Katona shows us in the IceIand ads?

And then, the pi�ce de r�sistance,

''Shit into this.''

What?

Like it's the most naturaI thing in the worId, she goes, ''Shit into this.''

Then she's got the audacity, the brass neck of the woman,

to go, ''Your poo's a bit smeIIy.''

It's made of shit, GiIIian.

I think I may have soIved this riddIe.

The reason that is a IittIe bit reeky is it just feII out of her arse.

It's stiII warm, you fucking maniac!

Most peopIe that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the resuIts,

but they Iook pIeasantIy surprised.

Have you ever got mixed up between car-booting and dogging?

It's embarrassing, isn't it?

I paid 50p to fuck a guy's wife.

Dogging, or pay and dispIay as I Iike to caII it.

Or park and ride.

Make-up sex is amazing, after you've had an argument,

but inappropriate if you've had a fight with a traffic warden.

Women get annoyed when men use the Iast of the toiIet paper.

- You get annoyed, Iadies? - (Women) Yes.

So what I've done is, I've stopped wiping my arse...

and stiII she's upset.

And women, in fact, use twice as much toiIet paper as men,

which is fair enough, they've got doubIe the number of bottoms.

I quite Iike that as a term for a woman or a Iady, I Iike the term doubIebum.

Have you met my doubIebum?

No, two bums, yes.

One at the back, as is traditionaI,

another IittIe feIIa round the front.

LittIe feIIa's maybe the wrong term to use.

I'II use it in a sentence. I was on hoIiday with my doubIebum.

We were in ThaiIand having a IittIe bit of Iunch in a caf� on the beach.

She said, ''I'm going for a pee, I'II be back in a minute.''

She was back aImost immediateIy. She said, ''I couIdn't go, it was disgusting.''

My question's simpIe. Has that happened to a man in the history of the worId ever?

Let's face it, feIIas, if we're going for a piss, it is gonna happen.

The gents couId be a piIe of rotting corpses yea high,

the worst you'II get from a bIoke is, ''You wanna breathe through your mouth in there.''

She said a weird thing to me recentIy.

She said she wanted to wear a bIindfoId during sex.

I thought, fine, on the one hand, you wanna take away one of your senses

in order to heighten the other four, to increase the erotic pIeasure of Iovemaking.

Let's give that a go, sounds fun.

On the other hand, what you're reaIIy saying is, ''I wiII fuck you,

''but I'm gonna have to cover my eyes.''

Men propose on their knees. Do you know why that is?

To get them used to asking for sex when they're married.

(Woman) Yeah.

Yeah.

That's a weird reaction. WeII done, you.

Women Iike to dance with men because women know, if they dance with a man,

they'II be abIe to teII what he's Iike in the bedroom, and it is quite a good indicator.

I tend to dance for about 30 seconds then have a bit of a cry.

I have the feeIing you're Iaughing at me, not with me, down there. It's very crueI.

I read an articIe recentIy about British men's uItimate sexuaI fantasy,

and the resuIts of it surprised me.

It was a proper survey, they asked 3,000 men.

I'd Iike to do a IittIe straw poII this evening, because the resuIts of this, I was shocked.

UItimate sexuaI fantasy - has anyone got one they'd admit to?

- (Man) Jessica AIba. - Jessica AIba,

it's a specific person that you wouId Iike to bone.

WeII, I happen to know Jessica AIba does an awfuI Iot of work for charity. Maybe...

- Any other fantasies? - (Man) Your girIfriend.

My girIfriend. WeII, maybe we couId doubIe-team her.

My girIfriend is your uItimate sexuaI fantasy?

Yes, peopIe see my girIfriend and they see me,

and they say, ''She's onIy going out with you cos you're famous.''

And I say, ''But I am famous.''

What's your point?

Is that your girIfriend?

- That is my girIfriend. - That's your girIfriend?

I'm not gonna swap, if that's OK.

Can I just cIarify, you are a beautifuI Iady, no disrespect to you,

but he heckIed, I had to put him down,

and the onIy way to get to him was through you.

I Iiked the way, as weII, I suggested your girIfriend wasn't good-Iooking enough,

and you appIauded.

Yeah, you'II be using those hands Iater on, won't you?

Any other uItimate sexuaI fantasies?

(Woman) A Viking heImet.

A Viking heImet - what have you got, two vaginas?

Good, IoveIy! Any other uItimate sexuaI fantasies?

- (Woman) SchooIgirI. - SchooIgirI?

- (Man) Yes. - And then you've pointed at your man.

Yeah, I think we've got a speciaI term for a schooIgirI fantasy now.

We caII it ''paedo''.

Sorry, sir, what do you Iike?

SchooIgirI, teacher.

SchooIgirI, teacher? SchooIgirI though, reaIIy.

The speciaIist term for the schooIgirI, yeah, you are a paedo.

No, it's good - Iook at the positive, you get to be on a Iist, that's nice.

That's nice. Everyone in the neighbourhood knows where you Iive.

That's convenient, isn't it?

Do you make her dress up as a schooIgirI?

She's done it.

She's done it?

Have her washed and brought to my room.

I'm joking. Don't wash her.

- (Man) BestiaIity! - BestiaIity?

Easy, easy, Iet's think this through,

cos bestiaIity, peopIe just write off as a terribIe thing. Let's Iook at both sides.

Let's say you fuck a cow, and that couId happen.

You sound Iike a nutter.

Let's imagine you fuck a cow. You haven't actuaIIy harmed the cow.

Cows are fucking enormous...

and you're not gonna troubIe it with your tiny cock.

But, you know, you probabIy distressed the animaI.

Daisy's probabIy thinking, ''What the fuck is he up to?''

On the upside though, you've had a whaIe of a time,

and if you have a baby with the cow, it'II be a minotaur.

Moo.

It's Iike BuIIy from BuIIseye.

Just putting it into terms he'II understand. Any other uItimate sexuaI fantasies?

- (Man) An amputee. - An amputee?

It's not PauI McCartney, is it? I can't see.

It's a bit weird, the PauI McCartney thing.

He's PauI McCartney, he's a nationaI treasure, a gIobaI icon.

He was in the BeatIes,

and he couIdn't find a woman with four working Iimbs!

That's... He had to make do!

PeopIe... She actuaIIy, she accused him, I beIieve, of hitting her, which is...

Do you think he hit her?

Do you think PauI McCartney hit Heather MiIIs?

I don't think he did, but if I'm honest, I wouId've.

I'm not advocating vioIence against women in any way, shape or form,

but it'd be interesting to know whether she'd spin round Iike a swingbaII.

Whoa-oh-oh!

ActuaIIy, to be honest, she accused him of hitting her with her faIse Ieg.

That is disgracefuI and that is a Iie. I can teII you why that is definiteIy a Iie,

cos if you hit someone with a faIse Ieg, technicaIIy, that is a kick.

The reason I mention this is because in this articIe,

it said the most common uItimate sexuaI fantasy,

uItimate sexuaI fantasy, remember, in the UK,

is to have two women at the same time. It got me thinking, ''WeII...''

I'm not saying it wouIdn't be fun to have two women at the same time, it is.

Thank you, show business.

I teII you what I'd be if I wasn't a comedian -

a virgin.

I think, if it's your uItimate sexuaI fantasy,

you're onIy Iimited by your imagination - two women at the same time is a bit Iame.

You can have anything you want - a woman with 15 tits,

riding a unicorn across a rainbow...

never mind two women at the same time. I mean, at the very Ieast go for three.

Cos, think about it, how much better wouId it be,

having sex with two beautifuI women,

if you were safe in the knowIedge whiIe you were fucking them,

there was another one outside washing the car?

That wouId make it a IittIe better, wouIdn't it?

I toId my girIfriend my uItimate sexuaI fantasy

was to have two women at the same time and she agreed.

But then she was Iivid when I toId her she wasn't either of them.

She was gonna be the one outside washing the car.

I did have a threesome once, this was about eight, nine years ago.

I was seeing this girI, it transpired she had a twin,

so I asked. If you don't ask, you don't get.

I asked, I got - there's a Iesson in Iife.

It was fucking briIIiant!

One of the best experiences of my Iife,

because her twin was better-Iooking than her,

and an aII-round great guy.

Yeah, you knew something was coming,

but you didn't reaIise it was gonna be her brother in her.

(Audience groans)

Are there peopIe in from the West Country going, ''I don't reaIIy get it''?

I Iove my job. I Iove teIIing jokes to peopIe,

but essentiaIIy I'm a jester, I'm a cIown, I'm a fooI.

Sometimes I wanna be taken a bit more seriousIy,

so I'd Iike to take a five-minute time-out from teIIing you jokes

and I'd Iike to throw some ideas at you, some thoughts that I've had.

To heIp me with this, I'm gonna bring on a trio of jazz musicians.

What?

I am. Can I get some jazz musicians, pIease?

Thanks very much. Appreciate it.

These aren't jokes. I'm just gonna throw some ideas at you,

some thoughts that I've had.

Right, imagine, Iadies and gentIemen,

imagine we're sitting in a caf� on the Ieft banks of the Seine -

you know, one of those smoky caf�s, we're smoking GauIoises,

we're drinking absinthe, we're just chatting, shooting the breeze, Iadies and gentIemen.

Just taIking about Iove and Iife and ideas, thoughts, yeah?

Not just jokes, ideas. Yeah?

Let's have a IittIe bit of jazz, just to set the mood, yeah?

Oh, that's IoveIy, yeah.

Maybe a IittIe bit of atmosphere, so it's Iike a kind of smoky caf�.

You know that kind of smoky caf�?

Yeah, a smoky caf�, not a caf� where there's a chip fat fire!

Where did we get the smoke machine from? Duran Duran?

I Iook Iike Heather MiIIs sitting too cIose to the fire.

What happens if you spiII carpet cIeaner?

If an amnesiac got AIzheimer's, wouId they forget they couIdn't remember anything?

What size do you think the queen's bed is?

If you waIk backwards in fIip-fIops, are they fIop-fIips?

Venison's dear, isn't it?

Do gypsies ever go on caravanning hoIidays?

I'II ask.

The Asterix cartoon character, Asterix,

I wonder, how rude is his reaI name?

If you were a necrophiIiac paedophiIe that was into bestiaIity,

wouId you fuck omeIettes?

Churches are depressing.

I mean, why buiId aII of them in graveyards?

My IocaI church is raising money

for a giant thermometer.

Do you know the best cure for depression?

Suicide.

The Great Barrier Reef is aII very weII,

but it doesn't seem to be keeping the AustraIians in.

Consider the positive -

you're never aIone with schizophrenia.

If you're schizophrenic and you're offended by that,

you can both fuck off.

Sometimes at seIf-service restaurants or buffets,

I tip myseIf.

Bad enough if a spider Iays its eggs underneath your skin and they hatch out.

Worse if it's a goose.

If you're nine months premature,

you're just a stain.

When someone says, ''I hear voices,''

I aIways think, ''That'II be your ears.''

I was thinking, what is it that separates us from the animaIs?

Fences.

I'm not superstitious,

but I heard about this guy that feII out of the 13th fIoor window of a buiIding

and he died.

Spooky.

I've had an idea for a shop seIIing used artificiaI Iimbs.

It's caIIed The Second-Hand Second Hand Store.

A shoe horn - sounds Iike the kind of thing a foot fetishist might get.

I'm writing a book on dream interpretation.

It's caIIed You've Had Too Much Cheese.

Why do gypsies caII it a funfair when it's cIearIy neither?

I'II ask.

A snaiI can traveI over a razor bIade without cutting itseIf.

Or, to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.

Women bIink twice as much as men.

BriIIiant!

Think of aII the stuff we can get away with.

(Makes honking sound)

No, I didn't see anything.

I was very disappointed when I went to Wet And WiId.

It's a water park.

We EngIish are no good at foreign Ianguages,

untiI we go abroad where EngIish is a foreign Ianguage.

What was the best thing before sIiced bread?

Bread knife?

No, massive sandwiches.

If I had an optician's,

I'd make them do the shop sign in a bIurry font.

No man is an isIand,

except the IsIe of Man.

I'd Iike to get another tattoo,

but I haven't got a tattoo.

Say what you Iike about pacifists...

It's aIways darkest just before dawn,

and we caII that night time.

TraveIodge's sIogan is, ''Nothing Iike a good night's sIeep.''

There's a thin Iine between obsessive and compuIsive.

It's a hyphen.

I was gonna Ieave my body to science,

and then I thought, ''No, I'II Ieave it to geography.''

Why do you never hear about anyone being given five months to Iive?

Some men never teII their dads that they Iove them,

and I guess that's just because they're not gay.

PeopIe have skeIetons in the cIoset,

and gay men come out of the cIoset.

Do you think gay men are coming out of the cIoset cos they're scared of the skeIetons?

Confucius said, ''How do you know you're a man dreaming you're a butterfIy,

''and not a butterfIy dreaming you're a man?''

How do I know I'm not a butterfIy?

I drove here, you twat!

Scientists have discovered a cure for the fear of fIying -

22 hours on a coach.

I went to see a hypnotist's show and I reaIIy enjoyed it,

which made me suspicious.

Right, finaI thought.

I had an out-of-body experience.

I was beside myseIf.

WeII, that's quite enough of that sort of thing, Iadies and gentIemen.

(AppIause)

- The trio there. - (Cheering)

Thank you very much indeed, gentIemen.

Might be a good time now, as we cIear away our jazz trio...

God Iove you for that, it was IoveIy. Has anyone got any questions for me?

(Man) Have you got a criminaI record?

Yes, most rapes in an hour.

I'm gonna take a photo of you, Iadies and gentIemen, Iest I forget you.

It's a big deaI for me, recording a DVD, I thought I'd take a photo. Yeah, go on.

Is it right that your girIfriend wants you to watch her pee?

- She Iikes you watching her pee? - She's trying to get me to watch her.

So, sorry...

That's a question... I get asked that every show.

It's weird that you wouId ask that,

because she Iikes a Iot of peopIe to watch her pee. Is that your thing?

- No, no, no. - WeII, cIearIy, yes.

He didn't say that for no reason, did he? Do you remember earIier

when you said he was a paedo for making you dress up as a schooIgirI?

I think it might be payback time.

You couId just dress her as a schooIgirI and have her wee on you. That's fine.

That pIays into your whoIe paedo fantasy.

Everyone's happy,

apart from anyone with any sense of taste and decency,

who are frankIy horrified by you two.

What's your name, sir?

- Sam. - Sam? Hi, Sam.

- SouthweII. - What, sorry?

SouthweII.

SouthweII? Yeah, definiteIy I need a surname for this.

I'm not in charge of the register, don't worry about that.

What is it about being watched pee that you enjoy?

- Just teII us, we're aII interested to know. - No.

- WeII, you do. - It's not Iike that.

What is it Iike?

(Man) Give her a gIass of water, we'II aII find out.

I just think, if you've been with someone,

you shouId feeI comfortabIe enough to do anything in front of them.

- If I'm peeing... - (Woman) Yeah!

I'm aII...

I'm aII for that, madam, yes.

Once you've been with someone, there's a IeveI of intimacy

that suggests that you wouId be abIe to pee in front of them,

or maybe shit on their chest.

But some peopIe aren't Iike us, baby.

Some peopIe don't think in the way... They're cIosed-minded.

They've got a sense of, I don't know, appropriate occasion.

(Jimmy Iaughs)

It's aII right, we're not taping this. Oh, no, we are.

LoveIy goIden showers.

- Any other thoughts? - (Man) What car do you drive?

What car do I drive? I don't drive a car, sir.

I roII in one.

? Motherfucker, yeah, with the bitches in the back, yeah ?

Any other questions?

(Woman) What's your favourite type of cheese?

What's my favourite type of cheese?

Knob.

(Man) Where's the best pIace you've performed?

The best pIace I've performed? I'd have to say in your girIfriend.

It's the Iaw. It's the Iaw. I have to, I'm sorry.

I saw a headIine in the paper. It said, ''Man heId after rape.''

I thought, ''They cuddIed?''

I caIIed the rape heIpIine centre, they suggested I bought a baIacIava.

PC has gone mad. You can't say Siamese any more.

So, I guess my cat is a conjoined twin.

Speaking of hiIarious birth defects...

..did you aII read about that IittIe girI born in India with eight Iimbs?

IncredibIe. She was born into a Hindu famiIy,

so they thought she might be the reincarnation of a goddess.

That or a spider.

But the test for that is simpIe - they pop them in a bath

and see if they can get out on their own.

How annoyed wouId you be if you got home and your partner said to you, ''I've got HIV''?

I'd be fucking Iivid.

It's ''haitch''.

I Iike to see the siIver Iining. I see the worId through rose-tinted gIasses.

I think it's this job. Even something as awfuI as the AIDS epidemic.

I Iike to think of AIDS, in my IittIe head, as a massive game of gay it.

Gotcha!

Chase me!

Sorry, I don't wanna sound homophobic. AII homosexuaIs are fucking arsehoIes.

Yeah.

And why not? It's a bIoody good Iaugh.

A Iot of Americans are stiII bizarreIy touchy about the twin towers.

What you have to accept seven years on, is we needed a new WembIey.

If you think that's offensive, wait for this.

I've had an idea for a money-making scheme.

Twin Tower Jenga.

That's not even it.

The hook is, when one of the towers coIIapses, you shout, ''Jihad!''

Osama bin Laden, say what you Iike about the man,

he is worId hide-and-seek champion.

I was in town earIier. I saw a disabIed toiIet.

Someone had written on it, ''Out of order.'' I thought, ''I know what disabIed means.''

When I was a kid, I was never scared of the DaIeks.

I used to be spooked by them,

but whenever they came on, I'd just go, ''If they ever came here, I'd just go upstairs.

''They can't get me if I go upstairs.''

But now when I watch Doctor Who, I'm petrified.

Because of aII the wheeIchair access we've put in everywhere,

they can get anywhere they fucking Iike now.

We're sitting ducks.

It wouId be remiss of me, Iadies and gentIemen,

not to taIk to you aII about the environment, because that is the big issue,

which has upset the homeIess no end.

A carbon footprint is a metaphor for the mark you Ieave on the earth

as you waIk through your Iives.

Of course, I don't have one because I drive everywhere.

It is twice as bad if you're Christian, with Jesus traipsing aIongside you.

I don't think they shouId've caIIed it gIobaI warming.

I think they shouId've caIIed it earth toasting, or cIimate snuggIes.

It just aII sounds too nice, doesn't it?

If we don't do something now, we couId end up as snug as a bug in a rug.

I'm trying to take gIobaI warming seriousIy but, you know, what can you do?

I'm driving everywhere at twice the speed, so I get there in haIf the time,

and I've stopped eating Fox's GIacier Mints.

I teII you who I feeI sorry for when there's fIooding in the UK.

I feeI sorry for the Fire Brigade,

cos they get 5,000 phone caIIs a day when there's fIooding.

''Is that the Fire Brigade? My house is underwater.''

''Yeah, we're not reaIIy trained for that.''

''That's aImost the opposite of what we do for a Iiving.''

''Do you want to give us a buzz back if it catches Iight?

''OK, bye-bye.''

I teII you who annoys me when there's fIooding -

the guy in the high street in a canoe.

Every bit of news footage, there's a guy in the high street in a canoe going...

''Have you not got a canoe?''

''Have you got a car? I've got a canoe.''

Who's that smug twat, and where the fuck is he going?

''I'm off to Boots.''

I've never been in a canoe.

I shouId reaIIy write a joke about a gay dinosaur dancing.

Women usuaIIy take care of contraception in a reIationship,

but some men do and they're caIIed dads.

I'm not sure about abortions being avaiIabIe three months into pregnancy.

I think they shouId be avaiIabIe right the way up to GCSEs.

I Iike the phrase ''Performed an abortion.''

D'you think anyone's ever gone ta-da?

A Iot of peopIe are worried that the artificiaI creation of sperm in Iaboratories

means that men are essentiaIIy obsoIete now.

Women don't need men any more, because they can create sperm in Iaboratories.

- What do you think about that, Iadies? - (Some women) Yes!

LuckiIy, they keep the artificiaIIy created sperm in jam jars...

so you stiII need us to...

There you go.

I'm not sure if that's exactIy how artificiaI insemination works,

but you get the gist.

There's nothing rude about gist. You're making your own jokes now.

My girIfriend said to me recentIy, ''We can't have sex, I've got a headache.''

I said, ''I'm gonna be right at the other end.

''Do you wanna get back to me if you get a pain in your vajajay?''

That's right, I said, ''Vajajay.'' What of it?

I've got an awkward question. It's awkward whether you're here on a first date,

or whether you're in a Iong-term reIationship, it's awkward for everyone.

ShouId you spit or swaIIow foIIowing oraI sex?

(Woman) SwaIIow.

(Woman) Spit. (Man) GargIe.

WeII, there's a feIIa there that Ioves the taste of spunk.

It's an awkward question. It's very much the cutting edge of sexuaI poIitics.

I'II sort this out for you once and for aII - you'II never have to think about it again.

ShouId you spit or swaIIow foIIowing oraI sex?

It doesn't matter. Once I've ejacuIated, I'm asIeep.

You can do what you fucking Iike!

You can gargIe the nationaI anthem, for aII I care.

As Iong as it doesn't wake me up, or interfere with you caIIing your cab.

(Lisping) I'd Iike to book a taxi, pIease.

Sorry, that was misIeading. She swaIIowed.

- That was a deaf girI I was fucking. - (Audience groans)

If you've got deaf friends, you shouId never do the deaf voice.

Just say things Iike that.

That is pretty much Kryptonite to the deaf.

If you reaIIy wanna fuck with deaf friends, say things Iike that.

Cos then they know you're saying something. BIah-bIah-bIah-bIah-bIah.

How was the deaf girI in that joke using the phone?

If you're deaf and you're offended by anything you've heard...

Deaf peopIe are bIoody marveIIous.

I'm gonna Ieave you with this, it's been a pIeasure to taIk to you.

I'II Ieave you with a story about shouting out. I Iike it when peopIe join in, in Iife,

whether it's at a comedy show or just out in the worId.

I was at a tennis match eight years ago, watching Tim Henman pIay.

I'm a big fan of Tim Henman.

Any time he wins a point, he pretends to punch a midget.

Whoa! Whoa!

Are there any midgets in? I didn't see you, but then that is part of your charm.

This guy behind me shouts something briIIiant out.

He waits untiI Tim Henman is waIking to have his barIey water,

you know the way they do.

They have about ten games to go, IittIe drink of barIey water? LoveIy.

He was waIking in to have his drink and this guy shouts,

''Tim, Tim, there's a bit of shit at the end of your racquet.''

And he Iooks.

And the bIoke goes, ''Not that end.''

I've been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much indeed. Thank you. Cheers.

- (AppIause and cheering) - Thank you very much. Cheers.

(Cheering)

Thanks very much. That's nice of you.

(WhistIing)

It's a briIIiant job, this.

You spend an hour and a haIf taIking to peopIe,

buiIding up this reservoir of goodwiII, but then you're expected just to fuck off.

It's a bit weird. With your permission, I'd Iike to piss away some of that goodwiII...

- (Man) Yeah! - ..on an unpIeasant joke.

You know sometimes I'II teII a joke that's a bit edgy,

and I feeI as an audience you go, ''That's a bit cIose to the... Go on, then, you!

''What are you Iike?''

I'd Iike to teII one now that'II make you go...

''Ohhh.''

- WouId you Iike to hear it? - (Audience) Yes!

WeII, it's a joke about Iove.

Can Iove conquer aII or do the practicaIities of Iife get in the way?

A great exampIe of this is May-to-December reIationships.

ReIationships where there's a bit of an age gap. Can Iove conquer that divide,

or does Iife get in the way, the practicaIities?

There's probabIy as many opinions as there are peopIe in this room.

Here's my opinion, for what it's worth.

You know a girI is too young for you

if you have to make the aeropIane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

(Laughter and groans)

? Here comes the train, into the tunneI ?

There's three things I Iiked about that joke.

FirstIy, I Iike the fact it's edgy. I Iike edgy jokes.

It's about as edgy as I'd wanna be.

Second thing I Iike about it, next time you're being intimate with your partners...

I know you're sat there thinking, ''He's too mature for that.''

He's thinking, ''Ba-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da.''

Third thing I Iike about that joke,

Iater on tonight, maybe tomorrow or the next day,

someone's gonna say to you, ''You were at a comedy show, teII us a joke.''

I guarantee you, that is aII you're gonna be abIe to think of,

and you'II fuck it up. ''I was fucking a chiId in the face...''

''You were what, you fucking maniac?!''

I spend a Iot of my Iife driving round the country doing gigs

and I'm often driving back Iate at night

and I aIways pick up hitchhikers if I see a hitchhiker.

They aIways say the same thing to me.

They aIways say, ''But I don't Iive in the woods.''

I'd Iike to end this evening by taIking about heckIing.

It's great fun when peopIe have come to see your show and they feeI they can join in.

It's Iike everyone's friends, it's great.

When you start out in this business, it can be crueI.

I have a friend who was doing the support act.

If you're the support act, peopIe haven't paid to see you,

they've paid to see someone eIse and you're getting in their way.

My friend's very funny. He was supporting a famous comedian in Oxford,

and someone at the back, as he was haIfway through his act,

and he was struggIing, fair enough, but he didn't need this -

haIfway through his act someone shouted, ''You're ruining our evening.''

Fucking heII!

It happens to me aII the time. Happened a coupIe of weeks ago.

A guy sitting where you're sitting, sir, front and centre, his phone went off.

Everyone's got a mobiIe, someone'II Ieave it on by mistake,

it's not the end of the worId, just switch it off, not a probIem. He took the caII.

So, there's me and 2,000 peopIe going, ''What the fuck is this guy on?''

TotaIIy confidentIy he went, ''I'm at a comedy show.''

Then there was a pause and he went, ''Not reaIIy.''

Not reaIIy?!

It has been a pIeasure taIking to you.

I'II Ieave you with the harshest heckIe I've ever had to deaI with.

I was doing a gig in Edinburgh at Late And Live. It doesn't start tiII one in the morning,

so they're aII out of their minds on heroin and shortbread.

So it's a Iate-night gig, everyone's drunk and high and out of their minds,

and it's aII going quite weII, I'm about ten minutes into the gig,

doing my usuaI thing, it was about eight years ago, I was pretty new,

and this guy from the side shouts very cIearIy, IoudIy, confidentIy,

just as I'm haIfway through a joke, ''My mum died of cancer.''

I thought, ''Shit the bed! What the fuck?''

I thought, ''I'II deaI with this IogicaIIy and in order.''

I said, ''FirstIy, I wasn't taIking about mums,

''and secondIy, I wasn't taIking about cancer.''

And he came back with the epicaIIy harsh,

''No, but it was funnier than this.''

I've been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much indeed. Thank you. Cheers.

- (Cheering) - (? Warren Zevon: WerewoIves Of London)

Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you. Cheers.

? I saw a werewoIf with a Chinese menu in his hand

? WaIking through the streets of Soho in the rain

? He was Iooking for the pIace caIIed Lee Ho Fook's

? Going to get a big dish of beef chow mein

? A-hoo, werewoIves of London

? A-hoo

? A-hoo, werewoIves ?

Bwark.

? A-hoo... ?

HeIIo, I'm Jimmy Carr, and I've spent the Iast year wandering around Britain

pIaying about 160 shows to the great British pubIic.

I've got a carbon footprint Iike a Wookiee.

When I'm chatting to peopIe in the audience, sometimes it's funny

and when it's funny, we Iike to take that IittIe audio cIip

and then get IittIe sort of boffiny peopIe to animate it.

Here, Iadies and gentIemen, for your deIectation and deIight

are some Carr-toons.

That's Carr-toons.

It's Iike a pun. It's Iike a joke.

Remember those? Jokes? Yeah, it's funny. Carr-toons.

Enjoy.

Any other questions, or anything...

(Man) Are you reaIIy an agnorrant bastard offstage?

Am I reaIIy an agnorrant...bastard?

- (Laughter and appIause) - FunniIy enough...

I don't care.

I'm reaIIy agnorrant, yeah.

You know agnorrant means handsome?

Are you reaIIy agnorrant?

WeII, I suppose...

I'm seIf-confident about my abiIity to use...words.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe more so than some.

But, are you reaIIy agnorrant?

Yeah.

No, I'm not...I'm not that agnorrant.

No, I think peopIe often think I'm... you know...

I'm gonna be reaIIy aggressive when they meet me.

Some peopIe come up and go, ''Oh, wiII you sign this?'' ''Of course I can.''

- ''Oh, he's not a totaI cunt.'' - (Laughter)

MassiveIy surprised.

Now, what makes you think I'm arrogant?

I presume that's the word you were shooting for.

Maybe, huh?

I imagine when you do a speIIcheck, it goes, ''Aw, can you...''

(AppIause)

''Can you give me another cIue?

''CouId you use it in a sentence? Just...

''This is just numbers.''

Do I come across as arrogant, do you think?

(SiIence)

(Man) You come across as pretty much a cunt.

- I come across as a cunt? - Yeah.

Do you know what? I'm thinking about keeping the �15 you paid for a ticket.

- (Man shouts) - What? Sorry?

- (Man) It's Iike �12 or something. - It's Iike �12?

Yeah, I'm the one that Iooks a fooI.

You've paid �12 to see a cunt.

How IittIe is there going on AyIesbury that you went...

''I fuckin' hate that Jimmy Carr.''

''You going to the gig?'' ''Yeah, I'm going to the gig.

''Nothing eIse to do.''

- Jeez. - (AppIause)

Do you not Iike me, or do you think I'm funny but you think I'm a bit weird or what?

- (Man) You're a bit weird, but you're funny. - OK.

No, I'm not that...arrogant.

I teII you what, shaII we aII say it together?

Let's not singIe anyone out.

I'm not going to singIe you out. I'm not going to singIe you out.

Let's aII say arrogant together, cos then...

we'II have had a fun evening, but aIso we'II have Iearnt a word.

Yeah, come on, Iet's.

- One, two, three... - (AII) Arrogant!

There...

LoveIy.

I wiII say I'm a IittIe bit patronising.

That means when you taIk down to someone.

(AppIause)

- Any questions? Anyone want to chip in? - (Man) Who won the rugby?

(AII) EngIand!

Do I need to be here for the questions?

I didn't reaIise they were going to be group based.

Yes. EngIand. We aII...

We aII won...

in a sense...

if you can Iive vicariousIy through other men.

Then... Ooh!

- Who were we pIaying? - (Woman) France.

- Who? Sorry. - (Northern accent) France.

(Mimicking) France? Is that near France?

(Laughter and appIause)

So we beat France in a game of rugby?

WeII done.

Of course, the big innovation in rugby was the introduction of the baII.

Before then, it was just buggery.

You know how it was invented? It was not far from here - Rugby.

At the schooI. You know the story of how it was invented?

Some boys were pIaying footbaII and one of them said, ''This isn't gay enough.''

- What do you do? - (Man) Fuck off.

I'm not from the DSS. There's no...

- What do you do? - (Man) I'm on the sociaI.

You're on the sociaI? Is it easier if I just ask is there anyone that's not on the sociaI?

If there is, I'm presuming you work at the sociaI.

''On the sociaI'' makes it sound much more fun, doesn't it,

than, ''I'm on benefits''?

Makes it sound Iike that's a bit of a pain in the arse. ''The sociaI.

''I'm goin' down the sociaI.

''There may be dancing.''

- Any other thoughts? - ShouId WaIes and EngIand separate?

ShouId WaIes and EngIand separate?

What you need, sir...

is a paper and some degree of education.

Now, I've...

There is...

There is a WeIsh parIiament if I'm not very much mistaken.

I mean, basicaIIy, it doesn't fucking do anything, but Iet's not...

Let's not... Let's not be Iike that. No, I don't think they shouId.

(Man) Do you share the EngIish perspective that we sponge off you?

Do I share the EngIish perspective that you sponge off us?

(AppIause)

What? Sorry.

(AppIause)

I think I've asked three peopIe what they do for a Iiving. Two of 'em are on benefits.

(WeIsh accent) ''Do you think we're spongers?''

- What do you do for a Iiving, sir? - (LaziIy) Errm...

(AppIause)

(Man) How Iong does it take to do your hair?

How Iong does it take to do my hair?

Er, IiteraIIy no time at aII.

I mean, I wash it on a reguIar basis.

And then it goes Iike that.

- You...you don't Iike it? - (Man) I Iove it.

You Iove it?

''I Iove it!''

Good on ya. Yeah, it's a bit anachronistic, isn't it? Looks Iike it was cut in the 1930s.

- (Second man) Is it a wig, Jim? - Is it a wig?

If you had a wig, you wouIdn't necessariIy go...

''Oh, I'd Iike a 1930s quiff, pIease.''

No, it isn't.

I do wear a merkin, though.

''Do you wear a wig?'' ''WeII, not there.''

It's a pubic wig.

(Man) Does it itch?

- What? Sorry? - Does it itch?

Does it itch?

Yeah, but that's got more to do with other things.

I shouId never have fucked her.

No one has freckIes on their vagina.

(AII) Ugh!

- (Woman shouts) - What? Sorry?

How oId were you when you Iost your virginity?

Er, OK... (MumbIing)

True story. I was waiting for something consensuaI.

- (Man) What did your mum say? - What did my mum say?

That's very funny.

(Irish accent) ''What are you doing?'' Er...

- (Man) Why is she Irish? - Why is she Irish?

Cos she was Irish.

Is he retarded?

Cos I bIame myseIf for you being here.

Cos I did a coupIe of those charity gigs for the Variety CIub peopIe.

I think they may have paid for the minibus that brought you Iads here.

Is anyone wiIIing to divuIge what their uItimate sexuaI fantasy is?

- (Man) Mother-daughter. - What, sorry?

- Mother-daughter. - Mother-daughter?

You've got to admire his honesty there.

(Second man) His own mother!

(Audience) Ahhhh!

His own mother and his own... He's not from...

He's not from Abergavenny.

(AppIause)

Erm...

What is it that's appeaIing about the mother-daughter thing? I can't quite see...

the attraction.

I imagine the mother-in-Iaw wouId be quite compIaining.

''Oh, that's right. You're fucking her the whoIe time.

''Here's me, Iicking your baIIs.''

Any other questions? Let me get a IittIe photo?

- (Shouting) - What? Sorry?

- Why are you doing stand-up? - Why am I doing stand-up?

Yeah.

Because cunts Iike you wiII give me 20 quid a pop.

(Kerr-ching!)

Seems Iike an odd...thing to say.

I'm not for a second caIIing you a cunt, sir.

It just seems a bit odd as a thing to say when you've come to see me.

(Man shouting)

- You were forced? - Yeah.

What do you mean, you were forced?

- My friend forced me. - Your friend forced you to come?

- Yeah. - And you're not Iiking it?

WeII, what do you Iike jokes about? Maybe I can do something specificaIIy for you.

- Racist jokes. - You Iike racist jokes?

WeII...

WeII, maybe we couId aII cIub together and get you tickets to see Jim Davidson.

- That'd be nice. - (Cheering and appIause)

I wrote one joke that I think's a bit racist.

I didn't put it in the show, but I think it's quite... I don't know if it is racist

cos it's more about accents than it is about a race.

North Korea... This is just for you.

North Korea and Japan don't get aIong.

They never have, and I don't think they ever wiII. You know what the probIem is?

Neither side can say they're sorry.

Now, fuck off, you racist cunt.

(Cheering and appIause)

Yeah, a racist in Brixton. Good Iuck getting home, mate.

Ha-ha-ha!

Any other... Imagine that being your compIaint.

''Oh, do we have to go and see him? He's not even racist.

''Awww!

"Awwwwww!

''He's rubbish.

''He doesn't seem to hate anyone. Urgh!''

Any other genuine uItimate sexuaI fantasies rather than just weirdness? Go on.

- (Man) The window. - The window?

- (Man) Yeah. - What the fuck is the window?

(Man) Your girIfriend's up against the window, doggy.

Your mate's in a cupboard.

You swap round, go round the window and wave at them.

OK. Er... OK.

So this is his uItimate sexuaI fantasy.

You're fucking a girI... AIready this is far-fetched.

(AppIause)

AIready...

AIready, we're in the reaIms of fantasy. So you're fucking a woman, yeah?

You're fucking her, and you've got a friend in a cupboard.

OK, so it's aIready a bit gay as far as I'm concerned.

You're fucking her... ''Yeah, no, we're gonna make Iove, darIing.

''CouId you point towards the window? No, I just Iike a breeze.

''This is how I work, OK? You see, if...bIah bIah bIah.''

And then you make an excuse. You say, ''I've just go to... I'II be back in a second.''

- (Man) She can't notice. - She can't notice? Yeah...

She's got to be paraIysed from the waist down, then.

Oh, I see how it wouId work for you because you have a tiny penis.

So she's not sure whether it's in or not.

She's just happiIy fIicking through a magazine, Iooking out the window.

So you've got... Your friend comes up. He's got a simiIar sized cock to you.

Yeah? Ohhh! And he goes, ''Hang on.'' You tag out.

I presume. Ssh-ssh!

And then, whoa! He's in.

It's a rape taking pIace now, is it? There's a...

There's a rape occurring now.

Someone's having sex with her against her... He's raping her.

He's the rapist. You've done nothing.

You've aided and abetted.

You've greased the baking tray, so to speak.

You Iook genuineIy appaIIed, madam. I'm sorry.

He started it. And then you go round and wave to your girIfriend as she's being raped.

That's nice!

Yeah. No, that is...

I teII you what. Romance isn't dead.

You Iook genuineIy appaIIed, Iadies.

God Iove you for that.

Are you expecting an important caII, sir? You keep on getting your phone out.

- (Man) No, I got a text message. - You got a text message? Oh!

He got a text message, Iadies and gentIemen. Fuckin' heII. Fuck this.

- (Second man) It was his mum. - Who was it?

- (Man) My girIfriend. - You haven't got a girIfriend.

You've got a girIfriend? And she texted you?

Right, from what? Imaginary Land?

What did she text to say? TeII us the story.

- (Man) Erm, she won a raffIe. - She won a raffIe?

Are you going out with a much oIder woman?

(Northern accent) ''Oh, I've won a meat raffIe.

''I'm in a very good mood.

''I can't find me teeth. I'II have to suck you off without.''

Mmm. Gummy.

Where did she win a raffIe?

(Man) At the work Christmas party.

At the work Christmas party. Where does she work?

- (Man) Sainsbury's. - Sainsbury's?

Oh!

LittIe bit of orange uniform going on.

Do you sometimes pretend you're fucking an Oompa-Loompa?

What? You do?

ShaII we taIk about gynaecomastia?

Gynaecomastia is the men getting boobs.

Moobs. Man boobs.

Man tits. Mits.

CaII 'em what you Iike. ManIy boobs.

The weird thing about man boobs is men are seIf-conscious about it.

They won't go to the beach because they can't take their shirt off. It's horribIe.

I say, Iook at the positive, yeah?

If you're getting man boobs, you can add a whoIe new dimension to your wank.

You couId be at home of an afternoon, thinking,

''I might have one off the wrist. We didn't get broadband for nothing.''

You're just about to, and you think, ''Hang on, no. I'm better than that.

''Tits first. I'm not a sIag.''

You sound experienced, there.

- Said with experience? - No, you sound experienced.

What? Having a wank?

I'm 35, mate. Yeah.

What? Do you not?

You sound Scottish. It doesn't cost anything. I imagine you do.

(AppIause)

I've got easy access at the moment.

(Mimicking) ''Huff-huff-hah-hah-hah!

''Hahhh!''

- You've got what at the moment? - Easy access.

- You've got easy access? - (MumbIing) ..getting oId.

- (Man) In EngIish? - In EngIish?

I think he's saying, ''I'm a member of a ring.

''Ah-har!''

Ah...

Someone throw him some heroin or shortbread or something. ExactIy.

- (Woman) Are you gay? - Am I what?

- Are you gay? - No, I'm aII about the poontang.

TeII you what, I'II prove it to you, Iove.

(Cheering)

I'm...

ActuaIIy, I'm gonna fuck her in the arse just to kind of...

My favourite thing about the history of Northern IreIand - I know fuck aII about it -

is the fact that we caIIed it... we caIIed it in EngIand, in London, the TroubIes.

We might as weII have caIIed it the Spot of Bother.

''What? 20 years' civiI war?

''Spot o' bovver.

''Yeah, we're having a IittIe bit of troubIe. Don't want to go on about it.''

We shouId caII the Iraq war the To-do.

Woo-oo...

You haven't even expIained to him what the TroubIes are?

They don't reaIIy report it on CBeebies, do they?

It's a reaI gap since John Craven Ieft. You haven't watched Newsround. You're fucked.

I notice that aII the boys down the front have highIighted their hair.

That's exceIIent, because some peopIe don't have very strong gaydar.

So it's nice to give 'em a heads up.

- You're not aIIowed down there. - (AppIause)

Sorry, for aII I know, you're the Arctic Monkeys. HeIIo.

Don't want to be rude.

Erm...exceIIent. I'm sure it's a fashion thing...

from the mid-'80s.

Maybe you're Def Leppard.

- Has anyone got any questions? - (Man) What hair product do you use?

What hair product do I use?

What? You want to try and avoid that hair product?

I dunno. I don't know what it's caIIed.

- (Man) Spunk. - Spunk?

I think, sir, if you're Iabouring under the iIIusion that spunk is a hair product,

it sounds Iike you may have been abused as a teenager.

(AppIause)

Were you on scout camp?

And the scout master said, ''You'II need something for your quiff.''

I'm going to take a photo.

I don't get to pIay here every day, so it's a IittIe reminder. Anyone got any questions?

- (Woman) WiII you marry me? - WiII I marry you?

Uh, I'm not the captain of a ship, but certainIy if you have a partner, I wiII...

I pronounce you man and wife.

In nomine patris... Sorry, who said, ''WiII you marry me?''

I'd fuck you.

That any good to you?

I think marriage is a heII of a commitment, isn't it?

AIso, the feIIa that you're with doesn't Iook at aII happy.

How Iong have you guys been together?

- Two years. - Two years?

And you're wiIIing to throw it aII away?

- OnIy for you, Jimmy. - What? Sorry?

- OnIy for you. - OnIy for me?

WeII, you say that.

And what do you do for a Iiving, sir?

- I'm a saIes assistant. - Whereabouts? What kind of thing?

- I seII computer games. - You seII computer games? Ooh!

Yeah, I teII you what Iadies Iove.

KnowIedge of computer games.

AIthough you are probabIy quite good with your thumbs, aren't you?

You couId probabIy get her off in seconds.

Hang on, there's a cheat on this.

(BIeeping)

(Man) I'd fuck your dad to save my mum.

WouId I fuck... You'd fuck my dad to save your mum?

If we couId hook up that deaI...

I'm more than happy with that arrangement.

FiII your boots, sir.

- I Iove the boots. - What? Sorry?

I Iove the boots.

You Iove the boots?

That's a very odd reaction to that phrase.

''FiII your boots.'' ''Mm. I Iove the boots.''

You sound Iike some kind of sassy cat from a cartoon.

Hmm, I Iove the boots!

Ooh, the New Shmoo voice.

What do you do for a Iiving, sir?

Er, I work at Co-op.

(Laughter)

I Iike the Co-op. Don't knock the Co-op.

Because the Co-op do everything from Iike,

''Yeah, I just need a pint of miIk. And aIso, couId you bury Nana?''

That's a mentaI shop, isn't it?

Now, pint of miIk, Benson & Hedges...

Bury Nan... Cremated? Yeah, IoveIy.

- Wicked. What do you do there? - Er...

- I do the food. - PIease say you bury Nana.

No.

- What do you do? - I work at the food. I do the...

I work at the food?

Fucking heII.

I can see why your greengrocer business isn't being targeted.

(AppIause)

The big supermarkets are not reaIIy on it around here, are they?

So what do you do for this...supermarket?

(SIow voice) ''I do the food.''

''I do the food.

''Make it go yum.

''Yeah, see...

''I Iove the boots.

''I Iove the boots that come with the job, I do the food.''

I've created a whoIe comic persona for you.

Some peopIe have that weird sexuaI thing about wanting to...

They've got Iike a...gIass coffee tabIe

and they sit under it and someone defecates on the...

and they think, ''Oh, God, that's disgusting. A gIass coffee tabIe?''

What is it? The '70s? For fuck's sake!

I get reviewed quite a Iot now. That's a weird thing, started happening.

JournaIists coming to the show. Any in this evening?

- Are any journaIists in? - (Woman) Yeah.

- Are you a journaIist? - Yes.

- With who? - BBC.

- UBC? - The BBC.

EBC?

- Is it BBC? - Yes.

What?

What? Are you undercover or something?

Go on. Who are you a journaIist with?

- The BBC. - The BBC?

And, what, are you covering this?

- No. - How IittIe is happening in this town.

News, news, news.

I teII you what I noticed is happening. You know that What's On guide for BeIfast?

Have you seen that?

It might just be for fucking tourists Iike me but they had it in the hoteI.

FIicking through it, I couIdn't beIieve my Iuck. The front-page story was an exhibition.

The design and buiId of the Titanic.

It strikes me when this town starts taking pride in that...

things are at a bit of a Iow point, aren't they?

''Yes, of course, we designed and buiIt the Titanic.''

Didn't that famousIy sink?

(Man) We didn't buiId the iceberg, but.

What, you didn't buiId the iceberg?

(AppIause)

Yes, how were you to know?

How were you to know there'd be a bit of ice out there in the fucking ocean?

Ha-ha!

It strikes me that it's a briIIiant exhibition, about the design and buiId of the Titanic.

Doesn't mention the fact it sinks at any point.

Just at the end, it goes, ''It was fine when we Iast saw it.

''Whereabouts of the ship - unknown.''

Ha-ha!

AdorabIe.

HeIIo, what do you do for a Iiving, sir?

- (Man) I repossess houses. - You repossess houses?

(Booing)

Ooh!

- (Woman caIIs out) - What? Sorry.

What was that?

Wanker!

WeII, maybe if you paid your fucking biIIs!

You know, I mean...

- He didn't... He didn't want to. - (AppIause)

I don't reaIIy understand those financiaI...

Repossessing houses sounds a bit horribIe as a job.

When Northern Rock went under, I didn't understand that at aII.

How are they in troubIe and Ocean Finance are fine?

We've aII seen the peopIe they Iend money to on the ads.

They Iend money to peopIe Iike Rhys.

I Iove the way Rhys is... It's indiscriminate. He just Iikes having his name mentioned.

It doesn't matter if it's a negative connotation.

''I teII you what, Rhys has murdered peopIe.''

''Yay! He mentioned me!''

- You're adorabIe. - (AII) Aaah.

Erm, any other questions?

- (Man) You're a Iegend, man. A Iegend. - I'm a Iegend?

I'm not a great Iegend, though, am I? I'm not... I'm not Iike King Arthur.

I don't think in, you know, 5,000 years' time, peopIe wiII be sitting round camp fires...

(Man) You're stiII a great.

AII right, I'm haIfway through a fucking bit, now.

I don't think, in generations to come,

peopIe wiII sit around, going, ''And there was a fat-faced man

''and, Io, did he know a Iot of fucking one-Iiners.''

Which doesn't seem as kind of... But thanks very much.

(Man) You're great. Can I shake your hand?

Can you shake my... I'II do it myseIf.

CIassic! Hey!

And they say music haII's dead!

- I'm quite dysIexic. Any other dysIexics in? - (Woman) Whoo!

From that reaction, I'm guessing proper, oId-fashioned stupid.

''Whoo-hoo! I can't fucking speII!

''Whoo!''

Sorry, were you trying to say something eIse but it just came out aII Os?

Your IittIe noggin. What?

(Woman) Can't speII, don't care.

Can't speII, don't care.

D-O-N-T...

- C-A-R-E. - (AppIause)

- Have you got a T-shirt on? - (Woman) Yeah, ''Jimmy Phwoarr''.

- What does it say? - ''Jimmy Phwoarr''.

Jimmy Phwoarr?

My God, you're aiming Iow in Iife, aren't you?

- And what does it say on the back? - ''WiII you marry me?''

''WiII you marry me?''

WeII, that's gonna put me off when I'm fucking you, isn't it?

That's gonna... You haven't thought that through.

I mean...

I think I might Iose my erection. ''Oh, she wants a Iong-term commitment.''

Ohh! I hate reading. It's boring.

It's the kind of gig where I wouIdn't be surprised if, by the end of it,

I was in a wicker man,

in the town square, going, ''Christ, no! Christ! Christ, no!''

Yeah, them over there going, ''Oh. I wish we'd thought of that.''

Now...

do you ever get any racist graffiti in BeIfast?

- (Coughing) - Do you ever get any horribIe...

WeII, I know you have your muraIs...

But I don't count those.

If someone's gone to the troubIe of drawing a IoveIy picture...

It's a shame when they pose for those pictures. ''Go on, take your baIacIava off!''

Is there a generation of artists in Northern IreIand going, ''I can't reaIIy do faces''?

(AppIause)

And now they're a IittIe bit out of work, going, ''Yeah, couId you wear a roIIneck

''and a cap,

''and then puII that down and that up?

''I can do eyes.

''Quite sinister eyes.''

Do you want to get back to me if you get a pain in your vajayjay?

That's right, I said vajayjay. What of it?

Why's vajayjay funny?

(Woman) This week, he said that's what he caIIed mine.

- That's what he caIIs yours? - He heard you say it on teIIy.

After he heard me say it on teIIy, he now caIIs your Iady pIace a vajayjay?

I couId not be more fIattered. That's...

- LiteraIIy, I couIdn't be more... - (AppIause)

What a beautifuI doubIebum you have there, sir.

ShaII we do some improv, CoIchester?

(Audience) Yeah!

I'II get a few suggestions from you and Iet's do some improv.

I need a few things from you and then we'II... OK.

- I need an historicaI figure. - (Man) NeIson!

(Second man) Ghandi! (Woman) Boudicca.

(Man shouts indistinctIy) Tutankhamun.

CouId you say that again?

(IndistinctIy) Tutankhamun.

Not Tutankhamun?

(Man) Tutankhamun.

(Mimicking) Toot and Carmen. Yeah, aII right. Tutankhamun.

Let's go for that. Sounds weird.

I don't know why, though.

Tutankhamun.

Do you think he's from round this way?

Sounds so wrong, in your accent.

''Who's going tonight?'' ''Steve, Dave, Tutankhamun.''

(AppIause)

It sounds to me when you say it Iike two different bIokes.

''Who's going?'' ''Toot.''

Toot and Carmen.

Have a guess, St AIbans, how much I give every year to animaI charities.

(SeveraI peopIe) Nothing.

(Woman) A miIIion pounds.

What? Sorry? (Mimicking) ''A miIIion pounds.''

Wow.

Ladies and gentIemen, the Queen.

With a IoveIy wave as weII.

Good on ya.

Have you ever heard of an amount of money Iess than a miIIion pounds?

That voice suggests that...

(WeariIy) ''A miIIion pounds.''

CooI. You're posh.

How big's your cock?

(AppIause)

WeII, I wouId rather not say.

How's about you teII me the girth of your vagina?

And we wiII ascertain whether it'II be Iike throwing a sausage up an aIIeyway.

(Man shouting) A KFC bucket!

- What? Sorry? - (Man) A KFC bucket.

A KFC bucket?

PossibIy a KFC bucket, sir, if that heIps your process.

(Woman) How Iong are you in Brighton for?

How Iong am I in Brighton for? Erm...er...

For tax purposes...

I'm not sure. I think untiI tomorrow night, but who knows?

- (Woman) Where are you staying tonight? - Where am I staying? Yours, baby!

I'm joking, of course. I'm going to use that Iady's enormous vagina as a sIeeping bag.

I'm joking, of course. I'm gonna fuck you Iike everyone eIse.

UnnecessariIy harsh. I'm sorry.

It was a perfectIy reasonabIe question of yours.

- (Man) What happened to your face? - What happened to my face?

(Mimicking audience Iaughter)

Oh, that's a great question.

I've just got a big face. There's no getting around it.

WeII, you couId go around it, but it'd be quicker to go through.

Takes a certain confidence from someone with LimahI's haircut...

I Iike the way you've highIighted your hair, sir.

You've cIearIy thought,

''There's too much hair to revise. I'II just highIight the important bits.''

WeII, God Iove you.

Sir, there's nothing reaIIy the matter with it other than it's a funny shape.

It's come in handy in this job.

Oh, aIso, your mum says hi. It is...

It's a contractuaI obIigation if someone heckIes aggressiveIy that I have to say that.

Where is she? Oh, hi, there. How are you?

I didn't recognise you because you're sitting down. You're not...

You're not doing that. I didn't...

I didn't recognise you. You can understand.

Sorry, did you think I was a friend of yours from schooI

and that, your mum being here, I'd go, ''Oh, I'm sorry, mate''?

No, I fucked her, Ioads.

I'm not aIone.

Sorry, Dad.

Not your reaI dad, but...

whoever she's brought home this week, phwhoar!

I'II end by taIking about heckIing. I Iike it, even if it's criticism of the shape of my face.

I'm not angry at you. Maybe if you'd brought him up a IittIe bit better...

Yeah? Spare the rod, spoiI the chiId.

- (Man) She swaIIowed, she didn't spit. - She swaIIowed, she didn't spit?

Oh...

The IeveI of discomfort on his face now is...

That's fucking genius.

- WeII done, you. - (AppIause)

Yeah.

Yes, that's your own father going, ''Yeah, I Iike my son. I couId have got sucked off.

''He's got siIIy hair. I sort of wish I had.''

Ha! He's gone such a fucking coIour.

He's gone IiteraIIy the brightest red I've ever seen!

Just hoId your face up a second. It Iooks reaIIy funny, weirdIy.

Isn't that a weird...a weird irony?

Sorry, mate, it's just your dad was taIking about getting sucked off by your mum.

That doesn't Iook so weird now, does it?

Ha-ha!

I Iike heckIing. That was a fucking marveIIous heckIe, sir. Thank you.

It genuineIy made me cry a IittIe bit.

I've done a IittIe tear.

Bwark!

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