Original subtitles

You know the trouble is,

Trying to decide

what to call these words man.

I'm trying to decide

what to call this whole thing.

You know what are these words

that I'm talking about?

There just words that we've decided,

sort of decided not to use all the time.

That's about the only thing

you can really say about them for sure.

That they're just some words,

not many either just a few,

that we've decided

well we won't use them all the time.

Sometimes well hell yeah.

Sometimes it's okay

but not all the time.

And there the only words

that seem to have that restriction.

I mean there are a lot of words you can say

whenever you want you know?

Pneumonia.

Nobody gives you a lot...all right you can't

yell it in the hospital a great deal

but what the hell?

There are words that you can say no problem,

topography.

No one has ever gone to jail

for screaming topography

but there are some words

that you can go to jail for.

There are some words

that we just have decided

we will not say all the time.

Sometimes okay.

If you're running through the jungle

chasing somebody that were at war with

you can holler them.

If you're shooting a criminal it's okay.

It's the all American thing.

Dirty fucking crook.

But if you're with the Bishop's wife at lunch

it's better not to ask

for the Goddamn lettuce.

You know what I mean.

It's just like we've decided

there'd be some words,

we won't say all the time.

And I was just trying to find out

which words they were for sure.

All of them.

I wanted a list

cause nobody gives you a list.

That's the problem.

They don't give you a list.

Wouldn't you think it'd be normal

if they didn't want you to say something

and tell you what it is?

Nobody even tells you when you're a kid

what the words are that you're supposed to avoid.

You have to say them

to find out which ones they are.

Shit.

Awe fuck.

That's two.

Awe Ma that's enough trial and error huh?

Please Ma give me a list huh?

All right your six years old now

and here's the list of words

your Dad and I

don't ever want to hear you say.

Awe hey thanks Ma.

Boy that's going to save me an ass kicking or two.

Yeah you never know

what's going to be on the list

cause it's always somebody else's list.

You didn't make that up

somebody told you that shit.

They told you better...

better not say that.

So you gonna...and you don't know

what's going to be on their list.

God.

People's lists even change from day to day.

Some people on Friday night got a list you know

about two or three words.

Sunday morning Goddamn

they made twenty-seven words.

These are the same people two days later.

Different lists.

See you got to kind of watch out

what you're going to believe huh?

The trouble is I was trying to find out

what these words might be

and I wanted to know the ones

that you could never say on television.

I mean the filthy words

that are always filthy.

There are a lot of these little two-way,

double tongued words that have two meanings,

words that there okay part of the time.

I call them like part-time filth.

Some of these words there only 50% dirty.

You have words like ass.

Ass is hardly even a dirty word anymore

but this has a few meanings

that you can't say on television.

That's what I was talking about.

What can you say on television?

That's another one of those places

where we can't use these words all the time

but some of them are alright some of the time.

Ass is all right on television.

You can say on television things like,

Well you've made a perfect ass of yourself tonight.

But you can't say,

Hey let's go get some ass.

Bitch.

Bitch is another word like that.

Same kind of word.

Its only dirty part of the time

depends on what you mean by bitch.

You might be the lady from the San Diego Zoo

visiting one of the Tonight Show's

and you just might have

a bunch of little canines with you there

and one of them is a female and you say,

There's the bitch Johnny.

And it's okay, Fine.

Just don't refer to the singer the same way

that's all.

Is that bitch going to do another number?

Yes.

Animals are fine

on those two-way words

and that's it.

That's what I was trying to find

the words were always dirty

not just part of the time

but completely filth.

Well in looking for these words

I kept finding new categories.

We have so many ways of describing

these dirty words its...

well we have more ways to describe dirty words

than we actually have dirty words.

That seems a little strange to me.

It seems to indicate that somebody

was awfully interested in these words.

They kept referring to them.

They called them bad words.

Dirty,

filthy,

foul,

vile,

vulgar,

course,

in poor taste,

unseemly,

street talk,

gutter talk,

locker room language,

barracks talk,

bawdy, naughty,

saucy,

raunchy,

rude, crude, lude,

lascivious,

indecent,

profane,

obscene,

blue, off color,

risqué,

suggestive,

cursing, cussing, swearing

and all I could think of was

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits.

That's all I have.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits

that was my original list.

I knew it wasn't complete

but it was a starter set

you know?

Shit, piss, fuck yes W-B-A-I is the one

who played them.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker and tits

now that was the original list.

We've added a few words since then

we've added fart, turd and twat.

And I know there are some other words

that many of you are wondering about

why they haven't been considered,

why they haven't shown up

on the list this far.

We're looking at them all very closely.

Some of your favorites

might make the list this year.

Asshole,

ball bag,

hard on,

piss hard,

blue balls,

taint,

nukies,

snatch box,

pussy,

pecker,

pecker head,

pecker tracks,

jism,

joint,

donacker, dork,

puntang,

corn hole and dingle berry.

Dingle berry a very popular word

and to my way of thinking

dingle berry are rather

innocent sounding word.

Dingle berry, sounds Christmassy to me

you know?

Let's put one on the tree Dad.

I would have been out here a little bit sooner

but they gave me the wrong dressing room

and I couldn't find any place to put my stuff

and I don't know how you are

but I need a place to put my stuff.

So that's what I've been doing back there

just trying to find

a place for my stuff.

You know how important that is?

That's the whole meaning of life isn't it?

Trying to find a place for your stuff.

That's all your house is.

Your house is just a place for your stuff.

If you didn't have so much Goddamn stuff

you wouldn't need a house.

You could just walk around all the time.

That's all your house is it's a pile of stuff

with a cover on it.

You see that when you take off in an airplane

and you look down and you see

everybody's got a little pile of stuff.

Everybody's got their own pile of stuff

and when you leave your stuff

you got to lock it up.

Wouldn't want somebody to come by

and take some of your stuff.

They always take the good stuff.

They don't bother with that crap your saving.

Ain't nobody interested in your

fourth grade arithmetic papers.

They're looking for the good stuff.

That's all your house is

it's a place to keep your stuff

while you go out and get more stuff.

Now sometimes...

sometimes you got to move.

You got to get a bigger house.

Why?

Too much stuff.

You got to move all your stuff

and maybe put some of your stuff in storage.

Imagine that.

There's a whole industry based on

keeping an eye on your stuff.

Enough about your stuff

let's talk about other people's stuff.

Did you ever notice

when you go to somebody else's house

you never quite feel 100% at home?

You know why?

No room for your stuff.

Somebody else's stuff is all over the place.

And what awful stuff it is.

Where did they get this stuff?

And if you have to stay over night

at someone's house you know unexpectedly

and they give you

a little room to sleep in

that they don't use that often,

someone died in it eleven years ago

and they haven't moved any of his stuff.

Or wherever they give you to sleep,

usually right near the bed there's a dresser

and there's never any room on the dresser

for your stuff.

Someone else's shit is on the dresser.

Have you noticed that their stuff is shit

and your shit is stuff?

Get that off of there.

Sometimes you go on vacation

you got to bring some of your stuff with you.

You can't bring all your stuff

just the stuff you really like.

The stuff that fits you well that month.

Let's say you're going to go to Honolulu.

You're going to go all the way to Honolulu.

You got to take two big bags of stuff

plus your carry-on stuff

plus the stuff in your pockets.

You get all the way to Honolulu

and you get in your hotel room

and you start to put away your stuff.

That's the first thing you do in a hotel room

is put away your stuff.

I'll put some stuff in here.

Put some stuff down there.

Here's another place for stuff here.

I'll put some stuff over there.

You put your stuff over there;

I'll put my stuff over here.

Here's another place for some stuff.

Hey we got more places than we've got stuff.

We're going to have to buy more stuff.

And you put all your stuff away

and you know that you're

thousands of miles from home

and you don't quite feel at ease

but you know that you must be okay

because you do have

some of your stuff with you.

And you relax in Honolulu on that basis.

That's when your friend from Maui calls

and says, Hey why don't you come over to Maui

for the weekend

spend a couple of nights over here?

Oh shit no.

Now what stuff do you bring?

Right you've got to bring

an even smaller version of your stuff.

Just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui.

And you get over...

and you're really spread out now.

You've got shit all over the world.

You've got stuff at home,

stuff in storage,

stuff in Honolulu,

stuff in Maui,

stuff in your pockets,

supply lines are getting longer

and harder to maintain.

But you get over to your friends house in Maui

and they give you a little place to sleep

and there's a little window ledge

or some kind of a small shelf

and there's not much room on it but

it's okay cause you don't have much stuff now.

And you put what stuff you do have up there.

You put your imported French toenail clippers,

your odor-eaters with the 45-day guarantee,

your cinnamon flavored dental floss

and your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray

and you know you're a long way from home,

you know that you must be okay

because you do have your

Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray.

And you relax in Maui on that basis.

That's when your friend says,

Hey I think tonight we'll go

over to the other side of the island.

Stay at my friend's house overnight.

Awe, shit no.

Now what do you bring?

Now you just bring the things

you know you're going to need.

Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hankie,

pen, cigarettes, contraceptives,

Vaseline, whips, chains, whistles,

dildos and a book.

This is just plain old words

that are sort fun to

think of or look at more closely than usual.

Things like hot water heater.

Do you ever...have you thought of

hot water heaters?

Pardon me,

I said, I'd like to buy

a hot water heater.

What the hell for?

Hot water doesn't need to be heated.

You must want a cold-water heater.

How about a hot water cooler?

Yes some words are fun.

Words like flammable.

Flammable,

inflammable

and noninflammable.

Why are there three?

Does it seem to you as though two words

ought to be able to handle that idea?

I mean either the thing flams

or it doesn't flam.

Now flammable...

flammable that's the one

that's on the side of a truck.

Flammable,

as if you're going to get out of your car

at sixty miles an hour

and smoke on his truck huh?

Flammable, I found out the reason

it says that on the truck

is so that just in case

you should be spinning out of control

at seventy or eighty

heading for the truck

you'll know what it was that happened you know?

I'd like to talk a little bit

about baseball

and football.

Starting with baseball.

Baseball is different from any other sport

in a lot of different little ways.

For instance,

in most sports

you score points

or you score goals,

in baseball you score runs.

In most sports the ball or the object

is put in play by the offensive team.

In baseball the defense puts the ball in play

and only the defensive team

is allowed to touch the ball.

In fact, in baseball

if an offensive player

touches the ball intentionally

he's out.

Also most sports

the team is run by a coach.

In baseball the team is run by a manager

and only in baseball

does the manager or the coach

have to wear the same uniform the players do.

Can you picture Bill Parcells

in his New York Giants uniform?

Now baseball and football

are different from one another

in other kind of interesting ways I think.

First of all,

baseball is a 19th century pastoral game.

Football is a 20th century

technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond

in a park.

The baseball park.

Football is played on a gridiron

in a stadium

sometimes called Soldier Field

or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring,

the season of new life.

Football begins in the fall

when everything is dying.

In football you wear a helmet.

In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs.

What down is it?

Baseball is concerned with ups.

Whose up?

Are you up?

I'm not up.

He's up.

In football the specialist

comes in to kick.

In baseball the specialist

comes in to relieve someone.

In football you receive a penalty.

In baseball you make an error.

Whoops.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing,

blocking, piling on, late hitting,

unnecessary roughness and personal fouls.

Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather.

Rain, sleet, snow, hail, mud,

can't read the numbers on the field,

can't read the yard markers,

can't read the players numbers,

the struggle will continue.

In baseball if it rains

we don't come out to play.

I can't come out to play it's raining out.

Baseball has a 7th inning stretch.

Football has the 2-minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit.

We don't know when it's going to end.

We might have extra innings.

Football is rigidly timed

and it will end

even if we have to go to sudden death.

In baseball during the game in the stands

there's kind of a picnic feeling.

Emotions may run high or low

but there's not that much unpleasantness.

In football in the stands during the game

you can be sure that at least

twenty-seven times you are perfectly capable

of taking the life of a fellow human being.

Preferably a stranger.

And finally

the objectives of the two games

are totally different.

In football the object is

for the quarterback,

otherwise known as the field general,

to be on target with his aerial assault

riddling the defense by hitting his receivers

with deadly accuracy

in spite of the blitz,

even if he has to use the shotgun,

with short bullet passes and long bombs

he's marches his troops into enemy territory,

balancing this aerial assault

with a sustained ground attack,

which punches holes in the forward wall

of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home.

And to be safe.

I hope I'll be safe at home.

Safe at home.

Hey baby what's happening?

K-pasa.

Okay what you call you're pasa?

Hal Sleazy your hippy, hippy weatherman

with all the hippy hippy weather, man

brought to you by Parsons Pest Control.

Do you have termites,

water bugs and roaches?

Well Parsons will help you get rid of these

termites and water bugs

and help you smoke the roaches.

Hey.

Temperature at the airport

is eighty-eight degrees,

which is stupid man

cause I don't know anybody

who lives at the airport.

Now if you'll take a look

at our national weather map

you'll see that we don't have one.

So try to picture

last night's map in your mind.

Remember all the letters and lines.

All them little numbers.

The weather is dominated

by a large Canadian low,

which is not to be confused

with a Mexican high.

Tonight's forecast

dark.

Continue dark tonight

turning to partly light in the morning.

Oh Al got out of the weather business

when he realized he had given

the final weather forecast.

He had given the ultimate forecast

there was nowhere to go.

You know when there's

nothing left to conquer in your field hey

it's time to leave.

And old Al had given the ultimate forecast.

He told us he said,

One night

that the weather

will continue to change

on and off for a long, long time.

And he was gone.

God bless Al.

I love that dog.

I've never seen him and I love him.

He's going to be wonderful

when I meet that dog.

Lot's of people

got lots of God damn doggies

but you don't even have to have one

to learn about doggies.

Your friend might have a dog.

It could be your friend's dog.

That makes him your dog friend.

You go to visit your friend,

his dog is there

and you pet him to,

Hi.

Hello how are you sneezy?

You're wonderful.

Hello.

Goddamn and if for that moment he's your dog.

So you can have someone else's dog for a while.

Hi.

In life he likes me.

I think, oh my God look at this doggie here.

Goddamn doggies.

Lots of things to know about them too.

Lots of things you learn.

You don't know where always

and you can't remember.

For instance, can you remember

the first time you found out

that by scratching a dog here

you could make this leg go like that?

And that you could make it stop

when you stop?

Goddamn,

I'm in complete control of this dog.

Or that you could make their head tilt

from across the room

just by making a funny noise.

You go

and he goes.

Oh look honey isn't he cute.

Let's get his head fixed

so he stays like that.

Did you ever spell in front of your dog?

Some of them are smart.

You got to spell.

Honey do we have any more B-O-N-E-S?

They know the sound of 'B' alone.

B-one.

B-B-Bone.

Come on.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

And sooner or later what's going to happen

with the little dog?

Sooner or later lying on the bed

he's going to create an incident.

He's going to make one of you human's

turn to the other and say, Whew.

Whew.

Honey did you fart?

Not me.

I thought you farted.

Not me.

Whew.

That's not even one of my farts.

I've got four farts

and that's not one of mine.

I've got my Heineken's fart.

I got my broccoli fart.

My rice pudding fart

and my non-dairy creamer fart

and that's not one of my farts.

Whew.

I know,

the dog farted.

Tippy why did you fart?

Look at him he knows he farted.

I seen his asshole open up.

I seen it.

Well I happened to be

looking at his asshole by chance.

What kind of a question is that?

I thought he was doing

them deep breathing exercises.

You see dogs have nothing to do.

There's no job description for a dog.

They're forced to wait

for something to happen

that they can get in on.

If you do something

they'll be glad to join you

but they'll rarely initiate

any activity on their own.

They're just waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting and waiting and waiting.

Waiting to come in.

Waiting to go out.

Waiting to eat.

Waiting to crap.

Waiting to wake up.

Waiting to sleep.

Waiting to go upstairs.

Waiting to go downstairs.

Sometimes they're just waiting to wait.

Have you ever seen a dog

just standing there?

He don't know what he's waiting for

but if it happens he'll be ready.

Just a waiting and a waiting.

Waiting for you to come home.

They don't understand time.

Dog doesn't know the difference between

an hour and a half and or next week.

He thinks you're going to be gone forever.

That's the only time period

dogs really understand, forever.

That's how long they think everything lasts.

That's how long they think everything takes.

Forever and ever.

Did you ever scratch your dog behind the ears?

Oh boy they love that huh?

Oh boy you're scratching your doggies

behind the ears and he really loves that

and you're looking at him and everything

and when you finally stop

he looks at you like you're a criminal.

He thought it was going to go on and on and on.

Same thing when you feed them.

As soon as they get finished they say,

Where the fuck's the food?

They thought it was the loaves and the fishes.

It was going to last forever and ever.

Dog don't know.

They must think we're going to be gone forever

otherwise why would they act

the way they do when we finally get home?

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy I thought you were never going to come home.

I thought you were never going to come.

I thought you were never going to come home.

I thought you were never going to come.

I didn't know what to do.

You know what?

I didn't know how to operate the can opener.

How do you operate the can opener?

I didn't know what to do man.

What do you push it down I couldn't think of it?

You know what?

You know what I did?

I took a can of dog food

and I rolled it down the hill

and hoped a truck ran over it.

That's all I could think of man.

I'm hungry.

I mean they'll do that

even if you just forgot your hat.

You come back in eight seconds.

Oh boy Oh boy

I thought you were never going to come home.

I thought you were never going to come home.

I was going to eat the bird.

I couldn't find the bird.

Where the fuck's the bird?

Will you stop that I was just here!

Dog don't care.

He'll do whatever's next.

He don't know what's next but he'll do something.

He'll do two things in a row

that don't go together.

You ever seen a dog walking through a room

and suddenly he stops and chews his back

for eighteen minutes?

And then when he's finished chewing,

as if it were scheduled

for right then of course,

and when he's finished he doesn't even know

where it was he's was going to go.

Where was I going to go?

Oh shit.

Oh I think I'll go over here.

Awe this is nice over here.

I think I'll keep coming over here.

He'll give you that doggie look.

Give you them eyes you know?

They have such a great expression.

Almost human, sometimes we say that...

look he looks almost human Dan.

They do you know they look like they

know something about your mother

and not willing to mention it right away.

He's looking at you like they got a trig problem

they can't quite solve.

There's a sad look in their eyes.

All the sadness in the world

is right in the eyes of a dog.

Did you ever do this?

Look right into your doggie's eyes

and think of something really sad

and it will look like it's happening to your dog.

Strangest thing,

they look at you like that.

You know why they have so successful a look?

Cause they got eyebrows.

Dogs have eyebrows

or at least little ridges

that pass for eyebrows.

They got little things

that they can manipulate

just like we do.

Oh please,

please daddy

one

more

treat.

Cats can't look at you like that.

Cats don't look at that.

Cats look at you coldly

as if they're testing new eyes.

The reason cats look different,

cats don't have eyebrows.

Cats have a bunch of shit

sticking out their head.

They thought it was going to be an eyebrow

but it didn't work out.

Let's not tell them.

They think it's an eyebrow.

It's just a bunch of shit

sticking out of their head.

Cats are cute.

Cats our Goddamn cute.

Isn't he cute?

Look at him God he's cute.

He's a kitty cat.

That's how cute they are

they needed two names.

Kitty wasn't cute enough.

Kitty cat.

Isn't he cute the kitty cat?

The kitty cat, look at him, isn't he cute?

Let's drown him.

He's a cute little

Goddamn kitty cat ain't he?

Look.

Stick him on the wall and see if he hangs up there.

Whoa.

Whose Goddamn kitty cat?

They're so Goddamn cute.

Awe they're wonderful God love them.

They're so physical.

That's what's fun.

They're so physical.

They love to rub on you.

They love to rub on you.

If you got a leg and a cat

shew you got a party.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

I love this leg, oh boy.

I'm rubbing on his leg.

Oh boy, oh boy.

If you got two legs

shit jubilee, celebration time.

Oh boy two legs.

Hot shit I can do the figure eight.

They love to do the figure eight.

Oh boy, oh boy.

Oh boy I love to rub on his leg.

They'll rub against your leg

even if you're not there yet.

You might still be fifty feet down the hall.

They see you coming.

Oh boy oh boy.

Oh boy soon I'll be rubbing on his leg.

Soon.

They'll even walk sideways

so they don't miss you.

Oh boy.

Oh boy.

Oh boy, oh boy.

They love it.

They're so physical.

You don't have to pet a cat

you just put your hand over them

and he'll do all the work, man.

You ever pet a cat

who's lying absolutely flat

and before your half way finished

his ass is way up in the air?

Like you pressed the ass button or something.

Isn't he a cute little...holy shit

how did he do that?

Then they jump on your chest

and put their ass right in your face.

Here's my ass Dad.

Check this ass huh?

And while they're showing you their ass

they give you some of this stuff.

I say, Get him off of me.

Jesus I hate that.

I don't even know what it is

and I don't like it.

Looked like they're into some bad drug.

There's one other quality cats have,

which I admire.

Cats don't accept blame.

They don't embarrass at all.

Cat does something dumb

you'd never know by looking at him.

Dog knocks over a lamp

you can tell who did it

just by looking at the dog.

Not the cat.

Cat doesn't accept any blame.

Cat moves along to the next activity.

What's that?

Not me.

Fuck that I'm a cat.

Something break?

Ask the dog.

Cat doesn't get embarrassed.

You ever seen a cat race across a carpet

and crash into a glass door?

I meant that.

I meant that.

I meant that.

That's exactly how I wanted that to look.

Fucking meow.

Fucking meow.

Fucking meow.

That's what they say

when they get behind the couch.

Cat's too proud to let you see him suffer

but you look behind the couch

and you'll find your cat recuperating

from a domestic accident.

They got little slings and walkers you know?

Tried to make the window from the lamp.

If you use vitamins most good vitamins

don't have a trade name stamped on them.

They're blank pills.

They look like vitamins

but they're not marked

and if you go on the road

and you take a lot of vitamins with you,

enough for like two weeks,

you might put them

in another big vial unmarked.

And now you got an unmarked vial

with unmarked pills in it.

And if you're going through some little place

maybe where the cops got a hard on that day

and he wants to give you a little trouble, a little heat

he can hold you for a while,

while they send these things down to the lab.

On off your vitamins go and that's why

I always travel with Flintstone vitamins.

So the words as I say, shit, piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat.

Now motherfucker came off the list immediately.

The first day in fact.

I had a call from an English language purist.

Some guy he had to talk you know

he got on the phone.

He tells me I have a duplicate on my list.

I have duplication.

He says, Motherfucker is a duplication

of the word fuck technically

because fuck is the root form

motherfucker being the derivative

therefore it constitutes duplication.

And I said, Hey motherfucker

how did you get my phone number anyway?

I didn't even write it down...

I said, Look man it may be derivative

but you still can't say it.

Still can't say motherfucker on TV can you?

He said, No but you can't say fuckee,

fucking, fuckola, fuckeroonie

or fuckareeno either.

Well I said, Yeah that would

crowd up my list something awful.

So I just struck that motherfucker away.

Struck it from the list.

Motherfucker was gone.

Now the list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker, tits.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cockersucker, tits.

Does it sound like something's missing?

Does it sound like an old friend is gone?

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits.

Remember the old rhythm?

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker,

tits.

Cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

Cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

Cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

Now shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits.

It falls apart.

It isn't going anywhere.

And by now cocksucker

is the dominant word on the list.

Previously with motherfucker on the list

cocksucker was somewhat balanced out.

They were the only multi-celeriac words on the list

but now cocksucker stands alone,

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, COCKSUCKER, tits.

And who knows

maybe it doesn't belong either.

After all motherfucker

turned out to be a ringer.

Let's take a look at cocksucker.

See if this one belongs.

We'll divide the word cock and sucker

from each other those words.

Sucker isn't dirty.

Sucker that's as suggestive as hell

but it isn't dirty.

And cock.

That's not dirty all the time.

That's one of those words

that's only partly filthy.

Cock if you're talking about the animal

it's perfectly all right.

They used to read that to us

from the bible in 3rd grade.

And we would laugh then.

Cock is in the bible.

Remember the first time

you heard about a cockfight.

What?

No.

Get out of here.

Even the word cocksucker itself

has been twisted out of all its original meaning.

It's been distorted.

For some reason now COCKSUCKER

means bad man.

It's a good woman

how did they do that?

How did they do that?

Well

tits is on the end of the list.

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker, motherfucker, tits

and you know it doesn't belong on that list.

I mean it really doesn't belong

even with that kind of heavy weight filth.

Tits isn't dirty.

Tits is a cute name.

Cute thing, cute idea,

great fun,

good name.

Tits, hey.

Tits sounds like a friend.

Sounds like a nickname doesn't it?

Hey Tits come here.

Hey Tits I want you to meet Toots.

Tits this is Toots.

Toots Tits.

Tits, cute word.

Nice word.

I love a word that spells the same

forwards and backwards like tits.

Don't you think it's so cute

when a word is spelled the same

forwards and backwards?

I always wished my name was Otto

just so I could walk backwards

and yell my name you know?

Otto.

Otto.

Otto.

Well I had strange dreams.

But the word tit is on the list

because you can't say it on television.

You can't say tit better not.

Can't say tits.

You can say boobs.

Boob is spelled the same

forwards and backwards too.

Boobs is all right.

You can't say tits but you can say boobs.

In fact,

boobs is an answer now on Match Game.

I have boobs Gene.

Boobs two hundred dollars.

Tits two hundred dollar fine Mindy.

You can't say tits

but you can say teets.

Teets is all right

providing you're on at five in the morning

and a cow is your guest.

But you can't say jugs

and you can't say knockers you know?

That's right Danny

pull on the cow's knockers.

All right grab a knocker in each hand

that a boy.

Now hold the knockers, good deal.

Can't say that.

Tits sounds like a snack you know?

Well I know what you're thinking

but tits sounds almost...

it sounds Nabisco to me.

It sounds like Nabisco has...

has reserved that name

cause tits sounds like a thing at a party.

Pass the tits would you Bill?

Thanks.

Say those things are responding.

Well, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat.

Fart...fart is like tit

it's one of those words

that isn't that harmful.

You know it's a cute kind of a thing...

well farts can be a little harmful...

it depends.

Depends on who's cooking

but fart...fart is a cute...

hey kids know farts are okay.

Kids know farts are fun.

Farts are shit without the mess.

Wow.

Yeah.

Same funny sound,

same vile smell,

no fuss, no mush.

Fart is an interesting word in this respect,

talking about television,

fart is extremely interesting

because dig this,

you can't say fart on television

we know that,

you can't say fart.

And you can't say fuck either on television.

However,

you can refer to fucking,

you can talk about fucking,

they do that all the time.

Some of the times the show you're watching

two people are probably fucking

in the other room.

Fucking is all right.

Fucking is part of the plot.

Lot of plots are based on fucking.

Will they fuck?

Should they fuck?

Have they fucked?

Did they fuck?

Will they fuck again?

Will they get sick from fucking?

Are they fucking too much?

Will they fuck each other's friends?

Will they have a baby from fucking?

Will they be sorry they fucked?

Will they be glad they fucked?

All fuck stories.

Every honeymoon joke is a fuck joke

have you ever noticed it?

Otherwise the people wouldn't be

on their honeymoon

of a joke they'd be knights or

they'd be sailors or something.

They're on their honeymoon;

they've got to be a fuck joke.

Every little...every news...I'm sorry...

every quiz master has stood there

with this newlywed couple

and said, And I understand

you folks are on your honeymoon.

Lots of fucking going on here.

Lots of fucking over here.

So they talk about fucking all they want

they just don't call it that.

They don't call it what it is.

They call it other things.

They call it making love, which is fine.

They call it going to bed with someone,

having an affair,

sleeping together

but they don't call it fucking.

On the other hand fart

not only is fart a word

you can't use on television

but they never even refer to it.

That's how bad farts are compared to fucking.

They don't even refer to farts.

There are no farts on television.

You've never seen a reference to a fart.

I've never seen a fart reference.

No.

Wouldn't you think that by now

one guy would have gone

You think by now

that one guy on the Johnny Carson panel,

just once, would have said,

Hey Ed move down man.

Whew.

Wow.

That was a Clydesdale fart Ed.

Give me the lighter will you Johnny?

Wow.

Gees Ed next time your sick

you ought to see the nurse you know?

God it's not the smell so much

it's the burning of my eyes.

Well we might live to see that you never know.

Remember when you were a kid

and maybe you were a little boy child like me

had on short pants.

Maybe sitting in church...

sitting on a wooden bench in church

in the middle of the summer

with short pants.

You got to fart you know?

And it's up to you.

You got to work out a little maneuver

that's called, "The one cheek sneak."

Right in tune with the organ.

That's why they call them pews you know?

Whew.

Whew.

Whew.

Did you ever notice that your own farts smell okay?

Say that's fairly decent.

I think I'll stay home today.

Do some reading in the closet.

Now I mentioned the three extra words

fart, turd and twat.

Turd is another word you can't say on television,

turd.

But you know when you get right down to it

who wants to say it?

I don't even care

if I ever hear that one again.

Twat...twat is on the list

for the same reason

it doesn't mean anything else you know?

It only has that one meaning.

Twat's twat and that's that.

It's not like prick.

Prick is one of the part-time dirty words.

Prick is all right.

You can say prick on television.

You can say I pricked my finger.

Just don't say you fingered your prick.

Now the dog might just embarrass you

if it gets the chance.

Let's go out to the front of your house,

out to the living room

and you're there now with your...

your doggie's there of course

and you have some friends in,

some neighbors over,

sitting around the coffee table

and chit chatting you know?

Talking to each other.

You brought your Pepsi down but fuck them

let them get their own Doritos.

I'm not here to feed the neighborhood.

And everybody's sitting around

and the dog is licking his balls.

And nobody mentions him.

Spectacular thing going on there.

If I could reach

I'd never leave the house man

are you kidding me?

They don't even mention it.

They say things like, Isn't he cute?

He's taking a bath.

He appears to be

licking his balls to me Marge.

Yeah he's been on that one spot

for over an hour.

That's a mighty selective bath.

No, no, no, no nice doggie.

No, no nice doggie.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Nice doggie, no, no, no.

Don't you know they have

the cleanest mouth of any animal?

I'm just going by where he's been honey.

I am not a chemist.

I don't have a nice day anymore.

I don't bother much with that.

I think I'm beyond that now.

I think I've outgrown the nice day.

I think I've had my share.

Why should I be hogging all the really nice ones?

Let somebody else have a few.

Of course everybody still wants me to have one.

Everybody wants me

to have a nice day.

Have a nice day!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to give me my fucking change please?

I'm triple parked.

Some of them are really insistent.

I said have a nice day!

All right, all right Goddamn it, all right

I'll give it a shot.

That's the trouble with have a nice day.

It puts all the pressure on you.

Now you've got to go out

and somehow manage to have a good time

all because of some loose-lipped cashier.

Have a nice day.

Maybe I don't feel like having a nice day.

Maybe just maybe I've had

a hundred and sixteen nice days in a row

and I'm ready by God

for a crappy day.

I'll never hear that.

Let them wish one of them.

Hey have a crappy day!

Thank you and to your wonderful family as well.

Crappy day hey that would be easy.

It's no trouble at all a crappy day.

Just get up.

There's no planning involved

for a crappy day.

I know what it is

that bothers me about that whole thing;

it's the word nice.

It's just a weak word.

Doesn't have a lot of character you know?

Nice.

Isn't he nice?

Oh he is so nice

and she's nice too.

Isn't that nice?

How nice they are.

I don't care for that you know.

It's like fine.

There's another word.

How are you?

Fine.

Bullshit!

Nobody's fine.

Hair is fine.

How's your hair?

Fine.

That makes a lot more sense to me.

Some guys are great.

Did you ever meet those guys?

Great!

Isn't this great?

Goddamn this is great!

Look there going to kill that guy isn't that great?

That's great!

No not me.

I'm not nice.

I'm not fine.

I'm not great.

People ask me how I am

I say, I'm fairly decent.

I don't give them any superlatives,

nothing to gossip about.

Relatively okay.

Sometimes I'll say,

I'm moderately neato.

If I'm in a particularly jaunting mood

I'll say, I'm not unwell thank you.

That pisses them off cause they have to

figure that one out for themselves.

So...

It reminds me of something

my 1st grade teacher used to say to me.

Little lady.

She used to say,

You show me a tropical fruit

and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

No that was someone else.

Sometimes I go like this.

But then I stop.

This has been one of those times.

This next piece of material

is on a subject

that most people can identify with.

It's about losing things.

You know I don't like to lose anything.

I don't like to lose anything

because where is it?

See basically that's the part

that bothers me the most.

I'm a practical guy where is it?

I just had it.

You know that feeling?

It was just here!

Where is it?

I don't know.

It's gone.

That's true.

It's lost.

I know.

Where could it be?

Could be anywhere.

Maybe it will come back.

Maybe but not yet.

It's gone.

That's true.

Are we going to go through this shit again?

Where do these things go when they're lost?

There are some things I don't even care

if I ever get them back

I just want to know where the fuck they went.

And losing things is one of those things in life

that's even worse when you're a child.

Much worse to lose something

when you're a child because people

get on you for it.

You know, it's double jeopardy.

Not only is the item gone

but you're catching shit from up here.

You what?

I lost my yo-yo.

Well where'd you have it last?

Hey,

if I knew that

I would still have my yo-yo.

Well it must be somewhere.

Right.

Well it just didn't get up and walk away.

That one always got to me.

It just didn't get up and walk away.

One time I lost a cat.

It just got up and walked away.

Then she actually started to say,

Well it just didn't get up and...

Hey ma,

I think you figured this one out.

Where do things go when they're lost?

You know what I think?

I think there's a big pile of things somewhere.

I think there's a big constantly changing pile

of things that are lost.

You lose something

it goes to the pile.

And then you say, Oh look there it is.

Right back from the pile.

And you didn't even know there was a pile.

And where is the pile?

In heaven of course.

Has to be in heaven.

That's the first thing that happens

when you get to heaven...

they give you back

everything you ever lost.

That's the whole meaning of heaven.

You get back everything.

Here you are seventy-nine pairs of sunglasses,

two hundred and twelve cigarette lighters,

four thousand nine hundred and eighty-three

ballpoint pens

and here's a jock strap

we found on the Golden State Freeway.

It appears to have mule hoof prints

and chocolate sprinkles on it.

Must have been quite an evening.

Yes you get back everything.

You get back every... well not everything,

you don't get the big things back.

Good judgment, that never comes back,

your tonsils, your appendix

they keep those for display purposes.

Virginity, you don't get that back

cause you were in such a big hurry

to get rid of it in the first place.

But you do get all your wallets.

You get back every wallet you ever lost.

No cash, it's just like Earth.

That's right.

They keep the money as a prayer offering.

Speaking of heaven,

you know what else they have in heaven?

They've got a special room

for every balloon that ever got away.

Yeah, next time you see a balloon

drifting off by itself relax

soon it will be with it's friends

in the balloon room,

off the main hall

in west heaven

and that makes me happy.

You know why?

Because I'm a balloon guy.

I am.

I don't mind admitting it right in public.

I'm a balloon guy.

I love a balloon.

You know what I say?

I say, Give me a balloon.

Sometimes I say it loud,

Give me a balloon!

Most people don't pay any attention to me.

Let's get back to losing things.

Have you noticed some people

when they lose something

the first thing they say is it was stolen?

That's there first reaction.

Who stole it?

It's an ego defense.

They can't stand the fact

that they might have been

stupid enough to have lost something.

Had to of been stolen.

Even if it's something

that nobody would really want.

Hey, hey, who stole my collection

of used bandages?

And they also got away with my nude pictures

of Ernest Borgnine.

Did you ever notice this when you've lost something?

That the longer you look for it

the stranger the places get that you're looking.

You look at the strangest Goddamn places

after a while.

You have to, why?

You've already looked in the easy places.

Those are the first places we look,

the obvious places.

People say to each other,

Well I've looked everywhere.

Well apparently not.

Goddamn thing is still gone isn't it?

Let's keep looking in obvious places.

I'll look in the furnace

you check the cesspool.

You look in the strangest places.

Did you ever look in the freezer

for your car keys?

You have to why?

They might be in there.

You wouldn't want to pass up on an

obvious place like the freezer would you?

You can picture them in there.

You can see them in there.

That's what the mind is for,

picturing where you left your car keys.

You can believe in it

and you can follow the logic

all the way back to the supermarket.

I came out of the supermarket

I had the frozen banana guacamole in my hands.

I drove home, got out of the car

with the banana guacamole in my hand,

I had my keys in this hand,

I put the banana guacamole in the freezer,

I probably just dropped the keys in there too,

let's go take a look.

Oh shit, they're not in there.

I could have sworn

I left those keys in the freezer.

And hey,

who stole the banana guacamole?

You look in the strangest Goddamn places.

Did you ever find yourself looking in a

suit you haven't worn in ten years

for something you just had twenty minutes ago?

You have to why?

Six more pockets,

wouldn't want to pass them up would you

or else you wouldn't be able to say,

I've looked everywhere.

By the way, while you're in the closet

check the watch pocket of your grandfather's

World War I uniform.

You just might have handed him the keys

before the Battle of Bradon.

Here's another thing happens

when your looking for something.

Did you ever notice

that you'd be looking for something,

you might be out in the garage

and every now and then you'll go back

and look where the thing ought to be?

You'll go right from the garage you'll walk back

and look in the top drawer, Nope not back yet.

You're convinced that Saint Anthony

will bring those keys back

while you're in the Goddamn garage.

And of course if you're looking for car keys

your pocket is one place

where you have to look at least

six or seven hundred times.

You wear out the cloth in your pocket.

Oh gees.

I had them.

They were right here you know and

I usually...usually I'll put them in here.

See I get out of the car, I have them,

see, no, hold on, no, hold it, wait a minute,

no, no, no,

thought maybe I'd sneak up on them,

no, they're not in there.

I don't know what the hell I did with them.

I had them you know?

Hold on...I had...what...what?

Maybe they fell upwards.

Maybe they fell upward

and stuck to some bubble gum, hold on.

Maybe for the first time in my life

I dropped them down near my balls.

No, no, no.

Well your imagination runs away with you.

Well those are easy things, car keys,

those are common.

Sometimes it's an unusual item that's missing

like the couch.

Did you ever come home

and the Goddamn couch is gone?

Where's the couch?

I don't know.

It's gone.

That's true.

Where could it be?

Could be anywhere.

Maybe it will come back.

Maybe but no not this, too big.

Nothing over six feet

ever comes back on it's own.

Well it was here this morning.

Well of course it was here this morning,

there'd be no sense in mentioning the fact

that it isn't here now

unless it had been here this morning.

Fuck you I'm tired of your shit.

Why don't you take your logic and go to bed?

I can't.

Why not?

I sleep on the couch.

Did you ever at home

when you go to make a sandwich

do you reach down past the first

two or three pieces of bread

to get the good bread?

It's sort of a survival thing of self...

sort of like a...

let my family have the rotten bread.

I'll take care of numero uno.

Down we go into the healthy part of the loaf.

Sometimes you're going down into the loaf

not so much because of freshness or mold

but because of the size

of the piece of bread you want.

As we all know the fat slices

are somewhere near the middle.

Down you go and you have to go past

about eight or nine slices

till you get what you want

and then you hope they don't rip on the way up.

Right?

And just before you get them out

the top eight slices go

and fall the other way.

Awe shit I just leave them crooked don't you.

Yeah, let them think a burglar made a sandwich

you know?

Not me honey I didn't do that

I never do that.

That's like who the fuck is it in my house

who puts away the milk carton

with this much milk in it man.

Who the fuck put that away?

I thought that was full.

Now then the other word I wanted to remind you of

was the word fuck,

which of course is the champ

of the all time dirty words.

When they're always dirty by God

fuck is right at the head of the pack.

Fuck's a good strong word.

It's a good strong word for it's purpose

and it's a word that a lot of people

have trouble with.

It's an honest word.

It's a forceful word.

It has a lot of emotional baggage with it.

When you hear the word fuck

you're not just hearing the word

you're hearing everything you

ever heard about fucking.

I mean we have a lot attitudes about fucking.

Some of them are rational

and some of them aren't.

Some of them have joy in them.

Some of them have guilt and fear

and all sorts of things.

And the word fuck carries with it

a lot of emotional baggage.

When they say, fuck.

You go whoa, what, oh.

Oh I thought you meant do it right away.

God.

You know it's just a word that well

it will clear the room

awfully quick in some households.

It's a heavy, good, strong word.

It's a proud sounding word to me.

Fuck.

Fuck.

I am fuck.

Who are you?

Fuck of the mountain.

I just feel the word is getting a bad shake.

The word has an image problem.

The word fuck needs public relations help.

It's just a word.

You know that's what you have to remember,

it's just a word

but it's in such bad shape.

Here's a word that started out okay.

Started out all right.

Nothing wrong with the word fuck originally.

I mean there it was, you're not a bad word.

You're not a bad word.

You've just gotten in with bad company.

People that's all.

Just the word was all it was.

The word in the original old English

is best I can find

fuck only meant to hit.

To smite.

To perhaps hit with a stick.

To fuck the tree.

To fuck the rock.

To fuck thee.

That's all

and pretty soon

that's all

I'll hit you

with my dick honey.

Look at that.

That's all it was just a little

I'll knock a little fuck on you there.

That's all it was,

was a love tap when you get right down to it.

That's all fuck ever meant.

All fuck ever meant was to make love

and to make life

at the same time.

That's pretty magic.

I mean the pretty noble things we think about,

making love and making life.

Here was fuck hanging around

with words like love and life.

How did it get

such a bad reputation?

We fucked it up.

Yeah.

Well.

We put the aggression

back into the word,

Fuck you!

Fuck you you fuck.

Fuck you you fuck.

Who the fuck do you think you're fucking with?

Some kind of a fuckhead?

Fuck you.

Who the fuck do you think you're fucking with me?

Don't fuck with me I'll fuck over you.

You fuck with me

and you'll get fucked you fuck.

Don't fuck with me I'm the fucker.

Don't fuck with the fucker.

God it sounds like combat man.

It's got an awful lot...

there's an awful lot of hostility

in the way that word is used.

There's an awful lot of aggression

going down in the name of fucking.

Imagine that.

The words

make love not war.

Someone pointed it out finally.

They made it very clear for us.

Make love not war.

I wish I would have thought of that phrase

you know?

I really would have been

very happy with myself

if I had thought of that one.

Man I would have retired the same day.

I would have left my car at the red light man.

I say, That's it folks

I'm going to the beach.

You got it make love not war.

Well I didn't think of it

but I do have my own phrase.

Make fuck not kill.

It's not as graceful a phrase

but I'm not looking to retire either.

The whole idea of make fuck not kill

is simply to switch the meanings of the words.

I suggest that for one year

we trade meanings on fuck and kill.

Just fuck for kill

and kill for fuck that's it.

Don't worry about what they really are

someone else will take care of real fucking

and real killing.

I'm just worried about what we call it or them.

We call them fucking and killing.

I say switch them around.

I think it would be an insight.

I think we'd get a new slant

on how we feel about these words

if we just changed fucking for killing

for about a year that's all.

Imagine it.

Sure would be fun

watching TV during that time huh?

Better get down off the horse Sheriff

we're fixing to fuck you now.

Mad fucker still on the loose.

Not anymore

he's made his first big mistake my friend

he fucked a cop today.

That makes him a cop fucker.

Pardon me boys, my horse broke his leg

I'm going to have to fuck him

I'll be right back.

Shamu the fucker whale.

And to fuck a mockingbird.

Hold gently by the wing.

So all I'm trying to suggest

is that fuck you can be a positive phrase.

If you hear it from across the street,

Fuck you! Okay.

Walking, just plain old walking

is a source of a lot of

experience we'd recognize.

I just...I mean of course...

you know we walk pretty well,

humans got it down pretty good wouldn't you say?

Hello there.

Hi Dan.

Look at this, still walking.

Of course I'm talking about walking erect.

Homo erectus or whatever he was.

Cause I mean it's one of the few things

that separates us

from the lower animals

walking and hats all right?

Rarely see a lower animal with a hat.

If he does chances are

a man put it on him you know?

But there are some animals that walk erect

for short burst.

You've seen them you know?

That's not it and we know it.

This is fucking walking.

We know what walking is

we have a right to be proud.

Being able to walk like that.

Have a right to be embarrassed

when it doesn't work.

When we walk dopey.

Sometimes you do something dumb you know?

Sometimes it's not your fault

but you always blame it on something else.

Just a little misstep,

blame it on the sidewalk.

Can't be me I'm graceful.

You've seen him.

Not me fucking boulder in the road.

Might be the shoes, they're not mine

I borrowed them.

Not use to the soles.

Good-bye.

Couldn't be me.

That's why like with a limp you know.

A limp some people go

but that's not right,

guy with limps don't do that

unless he just got the limp.

But you've seen some guys.

Some guys are good man.

Some guys are really into their limp

they've had it a long time.

You've seen guys like that man.

Shit they pivot on it.

You've seen those guys.

You see them go up a spiral staircase.

Do you see that shit?

Look at this.

Excuse me for a second.

Guys can handle it

when you've had a limp a long time.

It's when you just get a limp.

When it's a new limp

that you're not good at it yet

and you go

Right in the steel beam of my leg.

That's when you not too cool.

Did you ever walk and count your footsteps?

You know how many of them fall

in each box on the sidewalk.

One, two.

One, two.

One, two and a half.

Carry a half.

One, two and a half.

I hate doing math while I'm walking.

Did you ever look at yourself

in store windows?

Got to check it out right?

Try to see your profile.

Sometimes you're walking up the stairs

and you think there's another stair.

You have to go into a little routine you know?

Throw them off.

Hi there hi.

Good thing the stereo's on Mezzanine.

Sometimes you're going down the stairs

and you think

there's another one.

I was what they call the fussy eater.

He's fussy.

He's a fussy eater.

Fussy eater is a euphemism

for big pain in the ass.

I mean if I didn't like something I told them.

I didn't play with my food,

pick at my food.

I said, I don't like that.

You make this?

I don't like it.

Why?

They wanted reasons.

Well you don't always have a reason.

I don't know.

I know I don't like it.

And I know if I ate it

I would like it even less.

You like it?

You eat it.

Then they would

try to corner me with logic.

How do you know

you don't like it

if you've never even tried?

It came to me in a dream.

Something's just don't look right.

I don't like that ma.

Don't look right to me.

Did you make that?

Is there a picture of it in the cookbook?

I'll bet it don't look like that.

Let's face it be honest,

some things don't look right.

Of course some people eat anything.

I know that.

Some guys eat anything.

I saw those guys in the Army on the chow line.

What's this?

Never mind give me a whole lot of it.

That's rats ass hole, Don.

That certainly makes a hell of a fondue.

Look I don't eat anything

I don't recognize immediately.

If I have to ask questions fuck it

I pass you know?

Tomatoes don't look right either.

On the outside their fine.

Tomatoes look lovely on the outside

but you look inside a tomato

and something is wrong.

Something has gone afoul

inside of a tomato.

It doesn't look right you know?

It doesn't look like

it's finished yet for one thing.

It looks like it's in

the larvae stage or something.

Thousands of seeds

and a whole bunch of jelly looking stuff.

Get it off my plate.

It's gushy.

It's like that stuff at the end of an egg.

And I know it's not the end of an egg

it's the beginning of a chicken.

It's hen cum.

Get it off my plate.

We go to play monopoly

in groups of four, five, six

huh?

I guess, Monopoly.

I still play now and then.

I think you never leave that completely.

You know if they need an extra guy,

you know I don't start them up.

Come on will ya?

Okay put me in.

Cause I was never very good at it you know?

I didn't do very well, that well.

I have a couple of railroads you know?

Not a complete asshole.

Own a couple of railroads

snap up Baltic Avenue

as soon as that became available.

How much is that sixty?

Let me have that mother.

About the best thing I'd ever have

would be oh

maybe one piece of property

in the light blue series.

Oriental Avenue

nothing on it of course.

Maybe an excavation.

But all I ever had on my stuff

was plans,

surveyors marks.

All my friends had industrial parks,

condominiums, shopping centers, malls.

Oh boy, Carlin

you're coming down my side now man.

Big one.

Hot shit a twelve.

Of course you can't move your token

till you remember which one you had.

Which token did I have?

Which did I have?

Bullshit you had the shoe

I get the battleship every game.

The worst token to have was the gun.

The big canon.

It was the only token that kept falling over

you know?

It was the only top heavy.

Throw the dice anywhere near that one.

Are you the gun?

Are you the gun?

Pick it up would you please?

And you are you in jail or just visiting?

Okay well put the car in the outside

if you're just visiting.

Some guys cared.

That's why they won.

I never won.

I was always in there at the end though.

The end of the game cause I'd have

all the one dollar bills man.

Sure fifteen hundred in singles

and they needed me to make change man

for all their filthy deals.

No I wasn't that good at the game

I...generally I'd

I'd land on Chance all the time.

I was constantly landing on Chance.

Tried to buy it.

We'd get in more fights trying to buy Chance.

Three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

Chance.

Little man with the hat.

Two hundred dollars for being an asshole.

Shuffle them good

that's the second time I got that one.

There's a lot of shit you have to put up with

when you're driving,

like red lights.

When did this bullshit start?

I only noticed them

about a month ago myself.

And I'll be honest with you

I don't stop for them anymore.

I did for about a week didn't like it.

Fuck 'em.

I'm gone.

I got no time to sit there jacking around

listening to the news.

You know my motto in traffic,

cop didn't see it,

I didn't do it.

I'm gone.

Hey I haven't hit anybody yet.

Haven't hit anybody.

I've had a few people behind me

hit each other but hey.

That's not me that's back there.

Me.... I'm gone

and I'm getting a whole lot better mileage.

Especially in town.

God damn them sidewalks come in handy don't they?

But what are they going to do if they catch me,

give me a ticket?

You know that's the big fear

in some people's lives.

Ain't this a bitch might get a ticket.

You know how to handle

a ticket by now don't you?

You got to be firm with the policeman.

Be firm with that policeman.

Policemen respect strength.

While he's writing out the ticket

you got a flash him

a whole lot of bad looks.

Then when he's almost finished writing

reach over and grab the ticket out of his hand.

Tell him you're going to

check it over for mistakes.

Then when you're finished reading it

crumble it up and throw it at his feet

and say, Fuck you

and you're ticket too!

You asshole in a hat.

Can't you see I have enough garbage

on the floor of my car already

without another worthless

piece of paper from the state?

I got eight or nine of them fuckin' things

floating around in here.

Hey.

Don't I pay your salary?

They like that when you're interested

in the state budget.

You're a public servant,

get me a glass of water.

You pinheaded prick

you're holding me up Jack.

People are waiting for me at a party.

I got a trunk full of heroin

get the fuck out of my way will ya?

Tell him it's your car.

Tell him it's your car

and you do what you Goddamn want with it.

Say I own this car.

My name is on the pink slip.

I do what I want, when I want

and I own the highway too

that my taxes pay for that.

There both mine.

I own the highway and I own the car.

I own everything Goddamn it.

He'll be glad to hear that shit.

That's what they like,

people who know their rights.

That why they don't have to read them to you

on the way downtown

to the maximum security penitentiary

where you'll spend the rest of your life

with no conjugal visits

except from some big guy

you don't want one from.

Well I get pissed Goddamn it.

There's a lot of shit you have to put up with

when you're driving.

Like these jogger assholes.

I've killed three of the motherfuckers myself.

Three.

I have killed three jogger assholes.

Out.

I'd have more...I'd have a few more

but I don't always kill them.

Sometimes I just toy with them you know?

I pull up in my car

and with my right front tire

I pull a sneaker off their heel.

Of course he can't hear me coming

because he has on his Walkman.

I'm wearing my Walkman today.

I'm cutting the world out.

Bullshit you are asshole.

They think they're going to live longer by jogging.

Not if they get near

my fucking machine they're not.

You're going away.

It's Michelin on Nike time.

I don't know which is worse,

the jogger assholes

or the bicycle riding creeps.

These faggots on their bicycles

and they got special little hats you know.

They have special little hats

to protect their special little heads.

And they all try to act grown up.

These bicycle people try to act mature

cause they know basically

they're dealing with a toy.

So they try to act grown up

by giving hand signals.

That makes them feel adult.

They give hand signals.

He's going to tell me where's he's going.

I'll tell you where you're going

you're going thirty feet

up in the fucking air

is where you're going.

Back on the sidewalk

with the rest of the children.

Didn't you're mother tell you

to keep your toys in the yard.

Well I get pissed Goddamn it.

There's a lot of shit you have to put up

with when you're driving.

Like the other cars.

Have you noticed that hazard?

Thousands of these other cars

many of them with people

who have licenses apparently

and they get you so fucking pissed off.

Some of these people in their cars

they get you so fucking pissed off.

You get so fucking pissed off you know what I mean?

Did you ever get so fucking pissed off

that you forgot where you're going?

Because you got behind someone

who isn't going anywhere either.

A man with no destination at all.

And I say, Step on all the pedals

maybe one of them means go!

Awe they get you pissed.

I don't know where they come from

but I believe...

I believe there's an automotive harassment squad

that is notified when I leave the house.

All right he's leaving now.

Everyone in position.

And they're laying for me all along my route.

Here's a guy making a U-turn in reverse.

Here's a woman backing out of a bush.

And each of them has a special talent.

Each driver has one thing he does for you.

First of all there's the guy

whose turn signal has been on since 1955.

Then there's his opposite.

That's the guy who doesn't

put his turn signal on

until he's finished the turn.

He's going to tell you where he was.

And there's the guy behind you at night

who's brights are on.

He has his bright's on

in case you want to read.

Well I just happen to have

a copy of Ivanhoe with me.

Oh don't they get you pissed off?

Don't they just get you so Goddamned mad

sometimes when you're out there.

Some of them especially.

Here's one you know.

Here's a feeling you'll recognize immediately.

You ever been behind somebody

on like a two lane road or something,

somebody you cannot get around,

you've been behind them already

for like eighteen minutes

and you want to get somewhere

and he's not moving all?

And did you ever get so pissed off

that all you want to do now is catch up with him

to see what the fuck he looks like?

You know that feeling?

But I just want to see this cocksucker's face.

Look, he looks exactly like I thought he would.

Constipated!

Cars to watch out for.

First cars, any car where the driver

is also on the phone.

Technology has brought us

these self-important twits.

You know if phones were invisible

these guys wouldn't own them.

The whole idea is for you to see the phone

so you'll know he's a busy guy.

I'm a busy guy.

He's reaching out

that's what he'd tell you.

I'm reaching out.

Well reach out and jerk me off.

Then there's these people

who want you to go ahead of them.

This courtesy bullshit that's going around.

See I don't think it's real courtesy

that's why I don't like it.

It's a bogus.

It's a counterfeit generosity.

Everybody wants me to go first.

You go...go ahead...please...go...go.

Even when I leave the house in the morning

there's a guy there at 7 a.m.

waiting for me.

I'm waiting for you come out so you can go

first...go ahead...go on.

I think it's a post-Vietnam

guilt syndrome of some kind.

You know America has lost its soul

so now it's going to save its body.

It's like the fitness craze in this country

well.... doesn't work that way

you know what I mean?

Doesn't work that way

and I'm sitting in the driveway.

I know I'm sitting there, I'm stuck.

It looks like I'm stuck

but I'm not asking for any help.

I'm not asking for anything

just sitting there

and some yo-yo, some putts,

some, some world class high-tech,

state-of-the-art yo-yo

who hasn't had a generous thought

since St. Swithins Day

slams on his brakes,

kills three people behind him

and doesn't ask me to go,

tells me to go.

You, go!

Fuck you!

You go!

I like it here!

I come here all the time.

You go.

Then when he goes

crash into him.

And if he gets out to complain say,

Hey you said to go.

Thank you all very much.

Have a good time.

Good night Kelly.

Good night Kelly.

See you all later.