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1
00:00:01,921 --> 00:00:05,139
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,174 --> 00:00:08,043
Whoo! Sorry I'm late.
3
00:00:08,077 --> 00:00:09,310
Boy,
you will not believe
4
00:00:09,344 --> 00:00:10,712
what happened to me.
5
00:00:10,746 --> 00:00:13,414
I made a right-hand
turn onto Boyleston
6
00:00:13,448 --> 00:00:16,084
and ran right into
this stupid parade.
7
00:00:16,118 --> 00:00:18,787
Then my car backfired,
and scared the tar
8
00:00:18,821 --> 00:00:21,056
out of these two
cute little poodles in tutus
9
00:00:21,090 --> 00:00:22,924
who were dancing by.
10
00:00:22,958 --> 00:00:24,425
Dancing poodles.
11
00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:25,560
Yeah.
12
00:00:25,594 --> 00:00:28,063
Anyway, the dogs spooked
and ran away,
13
00:00:28,097 --> 00:00:31,966
and this cute little girl
in blue sequins ran after them
14
00:00:32,001 --> 00:00:34,535
right in front of
this little car full of clowns
15
00:00:34,569 --> 00:00:36,537
that swerved to miss her,
and the car
16
00:00:36,571 --> 00:00:38,539
ran right in front
of this elephant,
17
00:00:38,573 --> 00:00:40,341
the elephant reared up,
18
00:00:40,376 --> 00:00:43,677
threw this swami guy off
that was riding on his tusk.
19
00:00:43,712 --> 00:00:45,280
Sam,
20
00:00:45,314 --> 00:00:48,283
this is the lamest excuse
you have ever given me.
21
00:00:48,317 --> 00:00:49,284
Why don't you just say,
22
00:00:49,318 --> 00:00:50,685
"I'm sorry, Rebecca,
I overslept.
23
00:00:50,719 --> 00:00:52,587
It won't happen again"?
24
00:00:52,621 --> 00:00:54,855
It really makes me...
25
00:01:02,731 --> 00:01:05,133
I'm sorry, Rebecca,
I just overslept.
26
00:01:05,167 --> 00:01:06,667
It won't happen again.
27
00:01:12,041 --> 00:01:14,225
¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶
28
00:01:14,259 --> 00:01:17,461
¶ Takes everything you've got
29
00:01:17,496 --> 00:01:20,264
¶ Taking a break
from all your worries ¶
30
00:01:20,299 --> 00:01:23,735
¶ Sure would help a lot
31
00:01:23,769 --> 00:01:29,457
¶ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ¶
32
00:01:29,491 --> 00:01:31,409
¶ Sometimes you want to go
33
00:01:31,443 --> 00:01:36,981
¶ Where everybody
knows your name ¶
34
00:01:37,015 --> 00:01:41,553
¶ And they're always glad
you came ¶
35
00:01:41,587 --> 00:01:43,988
¶ You want to be
where you can see ¶
36
00:01:44,022 --> 00:01:46,658
¶ Our troubles
are all the same ¶
37
00:01:46,692 --> 00:01:51,929
¶ You want to be where everybody
knows your name ¶
38
00:01:51,963 --> 00:01:54,532
¶ You want to go
where people know ¶
39
00:01:54,567 --> 00:01:57,134
¶ People are all the same
40
00:01:57,169 --> 00:02:01,272
¶ You want to go where
everybody knows your name. ¶
41
00:02:21,410 --> 00:02:23,110
Frasier,
I'm double-parked outside.
42
00:02:23,145 --> 00:02:25,012
Finish your drink and let's go.
43
00:02:25,047 --> 00:02:26,730
Oh, in a minute;
I just touched my glass.
44
00:02:26,765 --> 00:02:28,666
Don't balk, jelly bear.
45
00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:32,019
I'm not balking, moon pie.
46
00:02:33,889 --> 00:02:35,874
I'm simply trying
to finish my drink.
47
00:02:35,908 --> 00:02:37,041
You'd understand
48
00:02:37,075 --> 00:02:38,943
if you had as trying a day
as I've had.
49
00:02:38,977 --> 00:02:40,578
The kind of day you've had?
50
00:02:40,613 --> 00:02:42,981
Lord, if I hear
one more yuppie
51
00:02:43,015 --> 00:02:45,750
snivel about his inability
to love, I'll smack him.
52
00:02:47,753 --> 00:02:49,687
Boo, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
53
00:02:50,756 --> 00:02:52,657
I saw nine clients
today with no lunch.
54
00:02:52,691 --> 00:02:54,025
I saw ten.
55
00:02:54,059 --> 00:02:55,727
15 if you count
multiple personalities.
56
00:02:55,761 --> 00:02:56,728
Oh, yeah, well, you...
57
00:02:56,762 --> 00:02:58,930
Come on, please.
58
00:02:58,964 --> 00:03:00,698
You're a little tense;
you got to relax,
59
00:03:00,732 --> 00:03:02,099
take a few days off.
60
00:03:02,134 --> 00:03:03,768
You know, maybe a vacation,
or something?
61
00:03:03,803 --> 00:03:05,069
Vacation? Ha!
62
00:03:05,103 --> 00:03:07,038
You make it sound
so easy, Sam.
63
00:03:07,072 --> 00:03:08,873
As if one could just
pick up just like that.
64
00:03:09,775 --> 00:03:10,842
We are professionals,
65
00:03:10,876 --> 00:03:12,343
with commitments
and obligations.
66
00:03:12,377 --> 00:03:13,611
Our patients
depend upon us.
67
00:03:13,646 --> 00:03:15,112
I'll clear my schedule
if you will.
68
00:03:15,147 --> 00:03:16,113
Nassau or St. Thomas?
69
00:03:16,148 --> 00:03:17,449
Let's go talk
to the travel agent.
70
00:03:17,483 --> 00:03:18,483
There you go.
71
00:03:18,517 --> 00:03:19,684
Have a good time.
72
00:03:19,718 --> 00:03:20,835
Has anybody seen Woody?
73
00:03:20,869 --> 00:03:22,937
He was scheduled
to be here at 6:00.
74
00:03:22,971 --> 00:03:24,155
He's going to be late.
75
00:03:24,189 --> 00:03:25,040
Good God, people.
76
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:26,307
I don't even know
why I bother
77
00:03:26,342 --> 00:03:27,442
to prepare
a work schedule.
78
00:03:27,476 --> 00:03:29,844
Everybody just comes and goes
as they damn well please.
79
00:03:29,878 --> 00:03:31,679
Yeah, he, uh,
he did send these, though.
80
00:03:32,948 --> 00:03:34,249
"I'm sorry I'm late.
81
00:03:34,283 --> 00:03:35,616
Please dock my pay."
82
00:03:35,651 --> 00:03:37,752
Now, this is the
way to be late.
83
00:03:40,822 --> 00:03:41,622
Where is the little...
84
00:03:42,841 --> 00:03:43,808
...anyway?
85
00:03:43,842 --> 00:03:45,643
I don't know.
86
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:47,978
Oh, no, Sam.
87
00:03:48,013 --> 00:03:49,146
I've been a mother
88
00:03:49,181 --> 00:03:50,481
for 18 years.
89
00:03:50,516 --> 00:03:52,350
When someone says "I
don't know" like that,
90
00:03:52,384 --> 00:03:54,018
they know.
91
00:03:54,052 --> 00:03:56,487
Cough it up, or I'm
going to get it out
of you another way.
92
00:03:56,522 --> 00:03:58,323
I don't know;
I'm telling you the tru...
93
00:03:58,357 --> 00:04:00,891
Oh, a-a-all right,
all right, all right, all right.
94
00:04:00,926 --> 00:04:02,527
Uh, he's auditioning
for a play.
95
00:04:02,561 --> 00:04:04,829
A play?
Yeah.
96
00:04:04,863 --> 00:04:07,832
Hicky McHick from Hicksville
wants to act?
97
00:04:07,866 --> 00:04:10,768
He's been hanging out
at this little local playhouse
98
00:04:10,803 --> 00:04:13,237
and, you know,
doing all the odds and ends.
99
00:04:13,271 --> 00:04:14,839
Sweeping, cleaning toilets--
100
00:04:14,873 --> 00:04:16,841
everything
no one else wants to do.
101
00:04:16,875 --> 00:04:19,711
I wonder if Woody'd like
to act over at my house?
102
00:04:19,745 --> 00:04:21,111
Yeah.
103
00:04:22,881 --> 00:04:24,215
Uh, hey, wait, here he comes.
104
00:04:24,249 --> 00:04:25,683
He's very sensitive about this.
105
00:04:25,718 --> 00:04:27,385
Don't say anything
about his acting.
106
00:04:29,087 --> 00:04:31,456
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Woody.
107
00:04:31,490 --> 00:04:32,974
If I knew you wanted
a "role" so badly,
108
00:04:33,008 --> 00:04:34,576
I would have stopped
at the bakery.
109
00:04:34,610 --> 00:04:35,743
Sam!
110
00:04:38,747 --> 00:04:39,814
I'm sorry.
111
00:04:39,848 --> 00:04:41,015
But how'd the audition go?
112
00:04:41,049 --> 00:04:44,885
Great. Said my lines
faster than anyone else.
113
00:04:46,422 --> 00:04:48,540
Yeah, Woodman,
when did you get bit
114
00:04:48,574 --> 00:04:50,174
by the old acting bug?
115
00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:51,742
Oh, back in high school
in Hanover.
116
00:04:51,777 --> 00:04:54,411
I was in the chorus
of the senior class production
117
00:04:54,446 --> 00:04:55,680
of Hello, Donald.
118
00:04:55,714 --> 00:04:58,416
Isn't that... isn't
that Hello, Dolly?
119
00:04:58,450 --> 00:04:59,934
Oh, no, no--
they had to change the name.
120
00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:02,403
Donald Wexler was the only guy
who could sing the part.
121
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,275
So, what's this, uh, play
you tried out for?
122
00:05:07,309 --> 00:05:08,776
Well, it's a brand-new one.
123
00:05:08,811 --> 00:05:10,377
It's called Authors in Hell.
124
00:05:10,412 --> 00:05:12,379
I'm hoping to play
either Mark Twain,
125
00:05:12,414 --> 00:05:15,016
one of the guys from the
Algonquin Round Table
126
00:05:15,050 --> 00:05:16,450
or Satan.
127
00:05:18,420 --> 00:05:19,687
But heck, I'd
be just as happy
128
00:05:19,721 --> 00:05:21,189
playing a fire-
breathing incubus.
129
00:05:21,223 --> 00:05:23,291
They get to stay onstage
the whole four hours.
130
00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,563
Hey, hey, that's my director,
Grif Palmer.
131
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:31,132
This must mean
I got the part.
132
00:05:31,166 --> 00:05:32,867
Or that he's thirsty.
133
00:05:34,136 --> 00:05:35,636
Hi, Mr. Palmer.
134
00:05:35,670 --> 00:05:37,939
Can I get you a drink?
135
00:05:37,973 --> 00:05:39,006
No, thanks.
136
00:05:39,041 --> 00:05:40,141
I got the part!
137
00:05:41,743 --> 00:05:45,279
Woody, you're
a multitalented young man.
138
00:05:45,314 --> 00:05:46,881
I didn't get the part?
139
00:05:51,102 --> 00:05:53,437
Well, you know, I've
tried out so many times,
140
00:05:53,472 --> 00:05:55,039
and I've never
gotten a part.
141
00:05:55,074 --> 00:05:57,575
Maybe I'm just wasting
my time in the theater.
142
00:05:57,610 --> 00:05:59,777
Come on, Woody,
don't give up so easily.
143
00:05:59,812 --> 00:06:01,946
Once upon a time,
there was a young man
144
00:06:01,981 --> 00:06:04,616
named Grif Palmer
who also auditioned
145
00:06:04,650 --> 00:06:07,085
for many a role
that he didn't get.
146
00:06:07,119 --> 00:06:08,419
As many as me?
147
00:06:08,453 --> 00:06:10,254
Well, no.
148
00:06:11,490 --> 00:06:13,658
Wait, wait,
I've got a thought.
149
00:06:13,692 --> 00:06:15,960
What would you say
if I told you
150
00:06:15,995 --> 00:06:18,162
I've selected
a fresh, new face
151
00:06:18,196 --> 00:06:20,832
to understudy the role
of Mark Twain?
152
00:06:20,866 --> 00:06:23,300
I think
you'll be hearing his name
153
00:06:23,335 --> 00:06:27,105
quite a bit from now on...
Mr. Woody Boyd.
154
00:06:27,139 --> 00:06:28,106
Hey, that's me!
155
00:06:28,140 --> 00:06:29,273
Hey, everybody,
156
00:06:29,307 --> 00:06:30,574
I'm going
to be an understudy!
157
00:06:30,609 --> 00:06:31,776
Hey, all right.
158
00:06:31,810 --> 00:06:32,810
All right, Wood.
159
00:06:32,844 --> 00:06:34,144
That's good.
160
00:06:34,179 --> 00:06:35,279
Woody, this isn't going
to interfere
161
00:06:35,313 --> 00:06:36,480
with your job, is it?
162
00:06:36,515 --> 00:06:39,117
Gee, I don't think so.
163
00:06:39,151 --> 00:06:42,520
Well... yeah.
164
00:06:42,554 --> 00:06:45,890
I'm sorry, Woody,
I need you here nights.
165
00:06:45,924 --> 00:06:48,459
Miss Howe,
this is my golden chance.
166
00:06:48,494 --> 00:06:49,794
I have to do this.
167
00:06:49,828 --> 00:06:52,162
Don't you understand,
I just gotta do it!
168
00:06:52,197 --> 00:06:54,699
I just gotta!
169
00:06:59,004 --> 00:06:59,787
That was really good, man.
170
00:06:59,821 --> 00:07:00,888
Can I talk to you
just a second here?
171
00:07:03,224 --> 00:07:04,358
Let him do it.
172
00:07:04,393 --> 00:07:06,394
I would love to,
but I need him here.
173
00:07:06,428 --> 00:07:07,528
Well, he'll be here.
174
00:07:07,562 --> 00:07:08,962
You saw that performance.
175
00:07:08,997 --> 00:07:10,964
They're not going
to let him go on.
176
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:14,568
Break a leg, Woody.
177
00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:16,637
All right!
178
00:07:16,672 --> 00:07:18,339
Welcome to the theater,
Woody.
179
00:07:18,373 --> 00:07:20,808
To the ranks of the Lunts
and the Oliviers.
180
00:07:20,842 --> 00:07:22,576
To a profession
rife with style,
181
00:07:22,611 --> 00:07:24,712
with history,
with dignity.
182
00:07:24,746 --> 00:07:26,647
To a calling
I only hope
183
00:07:26,682 --> 00:07:30,184
will bring you as much joy
as it has brought me.
184
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,955
Hi.
Hello.
185
00:07:34,989 --> 00:07:36,223
You know Grif Palmer?
186
00:07:36,258 --> 00:07:39,293
Yeah. He's the janitor
at my kids' school.
187
00:07:47,936 --> 00:07:51,506
Hello, good-mannered
and agreeable children.
188
00:07:52,324 --> 00:07:53,875
Hey, everybody,
189
00:07:53,909 --> 00:07:55,643
look who's here.
190
00:07:55,677 --> 00:07:59,046
It's that famous actor
Robert De Zero.
191
00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:03,351
Uh, Carla,
it's me, Woody.
192
00:08:03,385 --> 00:08:04,585
Woody,
193
00:08:04,620 --> 00:08:05,953
you have been
coming in here
194
00:08:05,987 --> 00:08:08,389
dressed in that
ridiculous getup
for three weeks.
195
00:08:08,423 --> 00:08:10,724
Now, when are you going
to stop this nonsense?
196
00:08:10,759 --> 00:08:13,294
Carla, as an understudy,
I have to be dressed
197
00:08:13,328 --> 00:08:16,830
and ready to go on
at a moment's notice.
198
00:08:16,865 --> 00:08:18,832
Putting on makeup like this
can take hours.
199
00:08:18,867 --> 00:08:20,868
But I wouldn't expect you
to understand.
200
00:08:20,902 --> 00:08:23,471
Why, 'cause I'm not
in the theater?
201
00:08:23,505 --> 00:08:25,172
No, because
you don't wear makeup.
202
00:08:27,859 --> 00:08:29,310
Huckleberry alert.
203
00:08:29,344 --> 00:08:30,628
Hey, Mark Twit!
204
00:08:32,664 --> 00:08:34,064
Woody, would you
205
00:08:34,099 --> 00:08:35,333
run upstairs
and get some change?
206
00:08:35,367 --> 00:08:36,467
Ones and fives.
207
00:08:36,502 --> 00:08:38,102
New bills
if they've got them.
208
00:08:38,136 --> 00:08:41,105
"Uh, let us not
be too particular.
209
00:08:41,139 --> 00:08:42,807
"It is better to have
210
00:08:42,841 --> 00:08:45,509
old secondhand diamonds
than none at all."
211
00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:46,644
Do you think
you could manage it
212
00:08:46,678 --> 00:08:47,812
without any quotes?
213
00:08:47,846 --> 00:08:50,982
"I could do it as easy
as falling off a log."
214
00:08:51,016 --> 00:08:53,851
Woody, just do it!
215
00:08:53,885 --> 00:08:55,203
"When angry, count four.
216
00:08:55,237 --> 00:08:56,837
When very angry, swear."
217
00:08:56,871 --> 00:08:59,323
Damn it!
There you go.
218
00:09:01,526 --> 00:09:03,928
Sam, run upstairs
and get me some change.
219
00:09:03,962 --> 00:09:06,663
Aw, come on,
that's a junior bartender's job.
220
00:09:06,698 --> 00:09:08,465
You are the junior bartender.
221
00:09:08,499 --> 00:09:09,800
Oh, right. Yeah.
222
00:09:10,869 --> 00:09:13,603
Yeah, but I'm-I'm working
my way up, you know?
223
00:09:13,638 --> 00:09:16,106
Pretty soon, I might
even own my own bar.
224
00:09:21,079 --> 00:09:22,196
Good evening, ma'am.
225
00:09:22,230 --> 00:09:24,448
Oh, hello, there.
226
00:09:25,850 --> 00:09:27,051
Oh, thank you.
227
00:09:27,085 --> 00:09:30,421
I'm blind as a bat
without glasses.
228
00:09:30,455 --> 00:09:32,673
I've never seen a bat
with glasses.
229
00:09:35,443 --> 00:09:36,710
That's funny.
230
00:09:36,745 --> 00:09:39,147
Yeah, I can imagine.
231
00:09:42,684 --> 00:09:45,386
I believe it might rain soon.
232
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:48,305
"One of the brightest gems
of the New England weather
233
00:09:48,340 --> 00:09:50,307
is the dazzling uncertainty
of it."
234
00:09:50,342 --> 00:09:52,576
Well, what can you do?
235
00:09:52,610 --> 00:09:53,994
"Everybody talks
about the weather,
236
00:09:54,029 --> 00:09:55,996
but no one ever does anything
about it."
237
00:09:57,499 --> 00:10:01,335
Uh, may I have a glass
of white wine, please?
238
00:10:01,369 --> 00:10:03,237
Wine.
239
00:10:03,271 --> 00:10:04,488
White wine.
240
00:10:04,523 --> 00:10:06,390
Uh... let's see, now.
241
00:10:06,425 --> 00:10:08,658
They have a lot of wine
in San Francisco, don't they?
242
00:10:08,693 --> 00:10:10,160
Oh, I suppose they do.
243
00:10:10,195 --> 00:10:12,346
"One of the coldest winters
I ever spent
244
00:10:12,380 --> 00:10:14,081
was summer in San Francisco."
245
00:10:15,550 --> 00:10:17,618
Sorry, that's as
close as I could get.
246
00:10:19,187 --> 00:10:20,887
You're rather amusing.
247
00:10:20,922 --> 00:10:21,955
Well, thanks.
248
00:10:21,990 --> 00:10:23,457
But I've been
quoting Mark Twain.
249
00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:26,377
I know; I think that's amusing.
250
00:10:27,712 --> 00:10:30,114
And, uh, I suppose
that you've been told
251
00:10:30,148 --> 00:10:32,116
that you look
something like him.
252
00:10:32,150 --> 00:10:33,584
Yeah, I get that a lot.
253
00:10:35,387 --> 00:10:37,738
You know, you look a little bit
like Emily Dickinson.
254
00:10:37,773 --> 00:10:39,807
She's one
of the authors in hell.
255
00:10:39,842 --> 00:10:42,626
Oh, that's an unkind assumption,
sir.
256
00:10:44,913 --> 00:10:48,883
Although she's never been
one of my favorites, either.
257
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,151
Here's your change.
258
00:10:51,186 --> 00:10:53,354
And, oh, yeah,
a little something for you here.
259
00:10:53,388 --> 00:10:54,589
What is it?
260
00:10:54,623 --> 00:10:56,591
One of the shrimps
from up at the buffet table.
261
00:10:56,625 --> 00:10:59,393
Ew!
262
00:10:59,427 --> 00:11:00,427
You're lucky.
263
00:11:00,462 --> 00:11:01,729
My first choice
was an oyster.
264
00:11:01,763 --> 00:11:03,898
So was mine,
but I hired you.
265
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:08,152
I haven't seen you in
here before, have I?
266
00:11:08,186 --> 00:11:09,720
Uh, no, I don't
267
00:11:09,754 --> 00:11:12,740
get around much since
my husband, Lloyd, passed away.
268
00:11:12,774 --> 00:11:13,741
We used to come by here
269
00:11:13,775 --> 00:11:15,609
every evening during our walk,
270
00:11:15,644 --> 00:11:17,812
but, uh,
Lloyd never let us come in.
271
00:11:17,846 --> 00:11:20,581
He got jealous
when I was around other men.
272
00:11:20,615 --> 00:11:22,149
I can see why.
273
00:11:22,183 --> 00:11:25,352
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
274
00:11:25,386 --> 00:11:27,688
Oh, I think you're blushing.
275
00:11:27,723 --> 00:11:29,724
Oh, it's the wine.
276
00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:34,611
Although as Mark Twain said,
277
00:11:34,646 --> 00:11:38,082
"Man is the only animal
that blushes."
278
00:11:38,116 --> 00:11:39,433
"Or needs to."
279
00:11:41,970 --> 00:11:45,139
All aboard
the S.S. Delmonico.
280
00:11:46,558 --> 00:11:48,192
Embarking at 0900
hours for Nassau,
281
00:11:48,226 --> 00:11:49,326
St. Thomas, Martinique,
282
00:11:49,361 --> 00:11:50,827
and other exotic
ports of call.
283
00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:57,535
So you took my advice, huh?
284
00:11:57,569 --> 00:11:59,270
Yes. As of close
of business today,
285
00:11:59,304 --> 00:12:00,404
it's just us.
286
00:12:00,438 --> 00:12:02,706
A couple of fun-loving
swabbies lost at sea.
287
00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:04,908
We'll be todo incomunicado.
288
00:12:04,942 --> 00:12:06,810
No business, no clients,
289
00:12:06,844 --> 00:12:09,380
no phone call...
290
00:12:09,414 --> 00:12:11,348
Lilith, we promised
no beepers.
291
00:12:11,383 --> 00:12:13,617
I won't give it up
without a fight.
292
00:12:13,652 --> 00:12:16,520
You'll have to perform
a strip search.
293
00:12:16,555 --> 00:12:18,622
The vacation has begun.
294
00:12:18,657 --> 00:12:19,956
Now hear this.
295
00:12:19,991 --> 00:12:21,792
Hear this, Sternin.
296
00:12:21,826 --> 00:12:23,960
Prepare to be boarded.
297
00:12:34,088 --> 00:12:35,822
Folks, I have a bit of bad news
298
00:12:35,857 --> 00:12:37,524
that may affect a lot of you.
299
00:12:38,727 --> 00:12:40,394
I'm not going to beat
around the bush,
300
00:12:40,428 --> 00:12:42,212
I'm just going to
come right out and say it.
301
00:12:42,246 --> 00:12:43,597
Last call.
302
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:51,655
Well, what the heck,
maybe I'll
303
00:12:51,689 --> 00:12:54,524
give Vera a thrill and go home
a little early tonight.
304
00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:56,026
Although, you know,
305
00:12:56,061 --> 00:12:59,997
she did look kind of thrilled
when I left.
306
00:13:01,199 --> 00:13:02,315
Excuse me, Mary, uh...
307
00:13:02,350 --> 00:13:04,084
listen, I'll be
back in a second,
308
00:13:04,119 --> 00:13:05,853
and then... then
I'll see you home.
309
00:13:05,887 --> 00:13:08,088
Oh, that's all right.
310
00:13:08,123 --> 00:13:09,589
But thank you.
311
00:13:09,624 --> 00:13:12,126
I've had a wonderful evening.
312
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,393
Well, I have, too.
313
00:13:13,427 --> 00:13:14,795
I really enjoyed
your company.
314
00:13:14,829 --> 00:13:16,196
You're a very nice lady.
315
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:17,798
And you're a lovely gentleman.
316
00:13:17,832 --> 00:13:21,135
And may I add, you have
the most glorious head of hair
317
00:13:21,169 --> 00:13:23,704
I've seen on any man
since my Lloyd died.
318
00:13:23,738 --> 00:13:25,773
Gee, I hate to
disappoint you,
319
00:13:25,807 --> 00:13:27,041
but this is a wig.
320
00:13:27,075 --> 00:13:29,476
Yes. So was Lloyd's.
321
00:13:31,947 --> 00:13:34,815
Um, pardon me, ma'am,
322
00:13:34,850 --> 00:13:38,051
uh, but that adorable
bartender over there.
323
00:13:38,086 --> 00:13:40,053
Woody?
Uh, yes.
324
00:13:40,088 --> 00:13:42,890
Is he keeping company
with anyone in particular?
325
00:13:42,924 --> 00:13:45,058
Not that I know of.
326
00:13:45,093 --> 00:13:47,427
Well, I think
he's very special.
327
00:13:47,462 --> 00:13:50,798
Well, I guess that's
the nicest way of putting it.
328
00:13:51,967 --> 00:13:54,434
Good night.
Night.
329
00:13:58,172 --> 00:14:00,073
Oh, Woods.
330
00:14:01,376 --> 00:14:05,813
You know that dust in a dress
you've been yakking with?
331
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:09,233
Mary?
332
00:14:09,267 --> 00:14:11,719
You didn't, by any chance,
happen to tell her
333
00:14:11,753 --> 00:14:15,022
that you're wearing old man
makeup for a play, did you?
334
00:14:15,056 --> 00:14:16,323
That sort of thing
is pretty hard
335
00:14:16,357 --> 00:14:19,727
to work into polite
conversation.
336
00:14:19,761 --> 00:14:21,896
With your makeup,
and the lighting in here,
337
00:14:21,930 --> 00:14:24,098
and those Mr. Magoo glasses
of hers--
338
00:14:24,132 --> 00:14:26,333
I think she got the wrong idea.
339
00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:28,435
She's got the hots for you.
340
00:14:28,469 --> 00:14:30,337
Carla, you're crazy.
341
00:14:30,372 --> 00:14:31,939
She's just a sad old woman
342
00:14:31,973 --> 00:14:33,740
who needed someone
to talk to.
343
00:14:33,775 --> 00:14:36,110
You of all people
should understand that.
344
00:14:40,782 --> 00:14:42,549
There's no way
she's gonna go for me.
345
00:14:42,583 --> 00:14:45,085
I mean, in order for her
to fall in love with me,
346
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,454
I'd have to be the best
darn actor in Boston.
347
00:14:55,463 --> 00:14:56,663
Oh, no,
348
00:14:56,697 --> 00:15:00,000
I'm the best darn
actor in Boston.
349
00:15:11,947 --> 00:15:13,697
Hello, mon.
350
00:15:15,767 --> 00:15:18,302
I'm sorry, uh,
Limbo Night's Tuesday, man.
351
00:15:18,337 --> 00:15:19,637
Hey, mon, you stop
bad mouth styling,
352
00:15:19,671 --> 00:15:21,105
or I'm gonna
have to bop you on the head
353
00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:22,373
with a banana boat, mon.
354
00:15:23,909 --> 00:15:25,209
Frasier, please
355
00:15:25,244 --> 00:15:26,344
cut the calypso.
356
00:15:26,378 --> 00:15:30,248
Isn't it enough the cabdriver
already took a swing at you?
357
00:15:30,282 --> 00:15:31,849
You guys look like
you had a good time.
358
00:15:31,883 --> 00:15:33,183
We had oodles of fun.
359
00:15:33,218 --> 00:15:36,186
And we lost a combined
11 pounds to boot.
360
00:15:36,221 --> 00:15:37,722
Wait, you lost
weight on a cruise?
361
00:15:37,756 --> 00:15:39,657
I heard there were
wall-to-wall meals.
362
00:15:39,692 --> 00:15:41,793
There were also
wall-to-wall waves.
363
00:15:42,828 --> 00:15:43,861
Yes.
364
00:15:43,896 --> 00:15:44,929
Well, fortunately,
365
00:15:44,963 --> 00:15:46,697
after three days
of giving Chef Hugo's
366
00:15:46,731 --> 00:15:48,032
fine cuisine
back to the sea,
367
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:50,401
we were fitted with these
little, uh, ear patches.
368
00:15:50,436 --> 00:15:51,902
They seemed to do the trick.
369
00:15:51,937 --> 00:15:56,240
And put us to sleep
for the rest of the trip.
370
00:15:56,275 --> 00:15:58,543
So you guys spent
seven days and nights
371
00:15:58,577 --> 00:16:01,846
snoozing and barfing your way
through the Caribbean?
372
00:16:02,948 --> 00:16:03,915
And we've never felt
373
00:16:03,949 --> 00:16:05,950
slimmer and
more refreshed.
374
00:16:05,984 --> 00:16:07,851
Well, what say we go
get some lunch there,
375
00:16:07,886 --> 00:16:09,753
my little marine melon?
376
00:16:09,788 --> 00:16:10,755
Anything you want.
377
00:16:10,789 --> 00:16:12,056
Just promise me you won't
378
00:16:12,090 --> 00:16:13,791
refer to the waitress
as "Sista."
379
00:16:15,127 --> 00:16:16,160
¶ Day-o
380
00:16:16,194 --> 00:16:17,928
¶ Day-ay-ay-o
381
00:16:17,963 --> 00:16:20,231
¶ Daylight come,
and me wanna home. ¶
382
00:16:20,265 --> 00:16:21,933
You're not
the only one.
383
00:16:25,337 --> 00:16:26,320
Oh, hey, Woody.
384
00:16:26,438 --> 00:16:27,805
I thought your,
uh, play closed.
385
00:16:27,839 --> 00:16:30,107
It did, last night.
386
00:16:30,142 --> 00:16:30,892
Oh, so, uh...
387
00:16:30,926 --> 00:16:32,776
what's with the old geezer drag?
388
00:16:32,811 --> 00:16:34,078
I was with Mary.
389
00:16:34,112 --> 00:16:35,212
Another date, huh?
390
00:16:35,246 --> 00:16:36,330
It wasn't a date.
391
00:16:36,364 --> 00:16:39,067
I just took her to lunch,
then a movie, and then dancing.
392
00:16:40,536 --> 00:16:42,403
Hey, Woody, Woody,
Woody, Woody.
393
00:16:42,437 --> 00:16:43,904
Man, this is crazy.
394
00:16:43,938 --> 00:16:45,873
You, you know,
you've been out with Mary
395
00:16:45,907 --> 00:16:47,308
every night this week.
396
00:16:47,342 --> 00:16:49,727
You can't spend your life
dressed up like Mark Twain.
397
00:16:49,762 --> 00:16:51,496
Why not? He did.
398
00:16:53,716 --> 00:16:56,133
Oh, Sam, I... I don't
know what to do.
399
00:16:56,168 --> 00:16:57,968
I've tried to tell her,
but every time I do,
400
00:16:58,003 --> 00:16:59,470
she just stares at me
401
00:16:59,505 --> 00:17:01,372
with those big
lonely eyes.
402
00:17:01,407 --> 00:17:03,474
I mean, who'd have
thought that my God-given
403
00:17:03,509 --> 00:17:06,177
acting talent was gonna
turn out to be a curse?
404
00:17:06,211 --> 00:17:07,645
Are we voting?
405
00:17:09,631 --> 00:17:12,516
You got to nip this
in the bud.
406
00:17:12,550 --> 00:17:13,550
Yeah, I agree there, Woody.
407
00:17:13,585 --> 00:17:15,386
A young, such
as yourself,
408
00:17:15,420 --> 00:17:18,255
to be spending so much time
with an older woman is
409
00:17:18,290 --> 00:17:19,723
eh, it's just unnatural.
410
00:17:19,757 --> 00:17:21,609
Yeah, well, how
about you, Cliff?
411
00:17:21,643 --> 00:17:23,093
You spend lots of
time with your mother,
412
00:17:23,128 --> 00:17:24,429
and she's old.
413
00:17:24,463 --> 00:17:25,763
My ma's not old,
414
00:17:25,798 --> 00:17:27,264
and she's never gonna die
before I do,
415
00:17:27,299 --> 00:17:28,999
so just shut up, okay?!
416
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,406
Hey, hey, Woods.
417
00:17:36,441 --> 00:17:38,025
Mary just came in.
418
00:17:38,059 --> 00:17:39,643
Maybe you should get her
a glass or something.
419
00:17:39,677 --> 00:17:41,345
She doesn't drink
in the afternoon.
420
00:17:41,379 --> 00:17:43,080
No, I mean to put her teeth in.
421
00:17:46,101 --> 00:17:48,386
Hi, Mary.
422
00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:49,020
Hi.
423
00:17:49,054 --> 00:17:50,071
What are you doing here?
424
00:17:50,105 --> 00:17:51,805
I just wanted to see you again.
425
00:17:51,839 --> 00:17:52,974
Yeah.
426
00:17:53,008 --> 00:17:54,142
Look, can we sit down?
427
00:17:54,176 --> 00:17:55,542
I'd like to talk
with you a second.
428
00:17:55,577 --> 00:17:56,911
All right.
429
00:17:59,447 --> 00:18:00,681
Listen, I...
430
00:18:00,715 --> 00:18:03,450
I know how lonely you've been
since Lloyd passed away.
431
00:18:03,485 --> 00:18:05,586
Oh, how lonely I was.
432
00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:07,505
I'm not anymore.
433
00:18:10,042 --> 00:18:11,809
You know,
434
00:18:11,843 --> 00:18:15,663
loneliness
is highly underrated.
435
00:18:16,814 --> 00:18:19,667
It's one of the few things left
that you can still do alone.
436
00:18:19,701 --> 00:18:21,569
Did Mark Twain say that?
437
00:18:21,603 --> 00:18:24,021
No, but I'm kind of running out
of his material.
438
00:18:25,823 --> 00:18:27,942
There's something
I want to give you.
439
00:18:27,976 --> 00:18:29,793
It's Lloyd's watch.
440
00:18:29,827 --> 00:18:30,894
Oh.
441
00:18:30,929 --> 00:18:33,264
I want you to have it.
442
00:18:33,298 --> 00:18:35,983
No, I couldn't.
Oh, please.
443
00:18:36,017 --> 00:18:38,419
Ah, gee, thanks, Mary.
444
00:18:40,238 --> 00:18:41,338
Would you excuse me
for a second?
445
00:18:41,373 --> 00:18:42,773
Sure.
446
00:18:43,875 --> 00:18:45,576
Oh, wait.
447
00:18:45,610 --> 00:18:49,846
I just want to memorize
the way you look in this light.
448
00:18:51,166 --> 00:18:53,016
Go ahead.
449
00:18:58,490 --> 00:18:59,990
Sam, I don't
know what to do.
450
00:19:00,024 --> 00:19:02,059
Now she's memorizing
the way I look
451
00:19:02,094 --> 00:19:03,894
in different
kinds of light.
452
00:19:03,928 --> 00:19:05,729
Oh, I don't know, Woody.
Women do that all the time.
453
00:19:05,764 --> 00:19:08,065
Yeah, and she gave me
her dead husband's watch.
454
00:19:11,269 --> 00:19:14,105
You could do a lot worse.
455
00:19:15,607 --> 00:19:17,908
Listen,
you got to end this.
456
00:19:17,943 --> 00:19:19,343
Right now, go on.
457
00:19:19,377 --> 00:19:20,477
I don't know how.
458
00:19:20,511 --> 00:19:22,213
You know, I-I can't
stand the thought
459
00:19:22,247 --> 00:19:23,680
of hurting
somebody's feelings.
460
00:19:23,715 --> 00:19:24,949
I know.
461
00:19:24,983 --> 00:19:26,417
Carla, you've been
dumped a million times.
462
00:19:26,452 --> 00:19:27,752
What's the best
way to do it?
463
00:19:29,755 --> 00:19:33,023
You know, the only reason
I'm not cleaning your clock
464
00:19:33,057 --> 00:19:35,626
is because you remind me
of Jed Clampett.
465
00:19:37,395 --> 00:19:38,963
Listen,
you are not dumping her.
466
00:19:38,997 --> 00:19:40,264
You're leveling with her.
467
00:19:40,298 --> 00:19:42,466
Now, it's-it's the only
honest thing to do.
468
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:44,601
Now, go on,
be a man. Do it.
469
00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,654
You're right, Sam.
470
00:19:47,689 --> 00:19:50,257
It's time I stood
on my own two feet
471
00:19:50,291 --> 00:19:52,392
and did what's right.
Right.
472
00:19:52,427 --> 00:19:55,029
Will you come with me?
473
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:56,880
This is something
you got to do by yourself.
474
00:19:56,914 --> 00:19:57,614
I can't.
475
00:19:57,649 --> 00:19:59,116
Well, I-I'm not
gonna do it, Woody.
476
00:19:59,150 --> 00:20:00,685
Please, Sam,
477
00:20:00,719 --> 00:20:01,702
I can't do
this by myself.
478
00:20:01,820 --> 00:20:02,886
You've got to help me.
479
00:20:02,921 --> 00:20:04,121
All right, all right.
480
00:20:04,155 --> 00:20:06,056
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
481
00:20:06,090 --> 00:20:08,359
You believe
I'm just an understudy?
482
00:20:13,348 --> 00:20:15,216
Um, Mary,
Yes.
483
00:20:15,250 --> 00:20:17,718
Woody wants to tell
you something.
484
00:20:19,221 --> 00:20:21,405
Well, um...
485
00:20:21,439 --> 00:20:23,674
Mary, you see...
486
00:20:23,708 --> 00:20:25,575
Uh...
487
00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:28,262
I mean, you know,
uh, how...
488
00:20:28,296 --> 00:20:30,331
I don't suppose there's
any chance you understand
489
00:20:30,365 --> 00:20:32,032
what I'm talking about yet.
490
00:20:32,066 --> 00:20:34,184
Actually, I do.
491
00:20:34,219 --> 00:20:38,155
Let me explain something
to you, Woody.
492
00:20:38,189 --> 00:20:42,560
I'm a very lonely woman
since I lost my husband.
493
00:20:42,594 --> 00:20:44,795
My family lives
out of state.
494
00:20:44,830 --> 00:20:46,881
I never see my
grandchildren,
495
00:20:46,915 --> 00:20:48,549
and most of my friends
496
00:20:48,583 --> 00:20:50,484
have moved or
passed away.
497
00:20:50,519 --> 00:20:53,821
Seems my days are
so hard to fill.
498
00:20:53,855 --> 00:20:55,823
I swear, there
are mornings
499
00:20:55,857 --> 00:20:58,592
when it didn't
seem worthwhile
getting out of bed.
500
00:20:58,627 --> 00:21:01,195
A-And then I met you...
Stop. Stop.
501
00:21:01,229 --> 00:21:02,729
Will you marry me?
502
00:21:06,417 --> 00:21:09,086
Heavens, no.
503
00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:11,422
I'm three times your age.
504
00:21:11,456 --> 00:21:13,657
You know that I'm young?
505
00:21:13,692 --> 00:21:16,910
Well, Woody, I may be old,
but I'm not stupid.
506
00:21:19,765 --> 00:21:21,932
Well, why didn't you
ever tell me this?
507
00:21:21,966 --> 00:21:23,850
Well, I enjoyed
your company so.
508
00:21:23,885 --> 00:21:26,253
And besides, every
time I wanted to,
509
00:21:26,288 --> 00:21:30,123
you started quoting
"The Jumping Frog
of Calaveras County"
510
00:21:31,626 --> 00:21:33,878
Now, I hope you're not upset
with me.
511
00:21:33,912 --> 00:21:34,979
Oh, are you kidding?
512
00:21:35,013 --> 00:21:37,047
I'm just glad
I didn't have to dump you.
513
00:21:37,916 --> 00:21:39,983
And besides, you had
such fun playing the part,
514
00:21:40,018 --> 00:21:41,685
and you were quite excellent.
515
00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:43,871
You sure you don't
want to marry me?
516
00:21:43,905 --> 00:21:45,188
Ah, no, Woody.
517
00:21:45,223 --> 00:21:46,657
Well, will you be
my grandma?
518
00:21:46,691 --> 00:21:49,993
Uh, well, maybe
a favorite aunt.
519
00:21:50,027 --> 00:21:52,463
It's a deal.
520
00:21:52,497 --> 00:21:55,031
My birthday is July 23rd.
521
00:21:56,551 --> 00:21:59,386
I just gave you the watch.
522
00:22:01,139 --> 00:22:02,672
By the way,
523
00:22:02,707 --> 00:22:05,909
we're still on
for pot roast on Saturday.
524
00:22:06,561 --> 00:22:08,445
Leave the wig at home.
525
00:22:10,965 --> 00:22:13,100
Bye-bye.
Bye.
526
00:22:15,103 --> 00:22:17,371
Well, I guess
in a really weird way,
527
00:22:17,406 --> 00:22:19,740
it kind of worked out,
didn't it?
528
00:22:19,774 --> 00:22:20,791
Huh?
529
00:22:20,826 --> 00:22:23,460
Yeah. I'm still
a little depressed.
530
00:22:23,495 --> 00:22:24,829
Why?
531
00:22:24,863 --> 00:22:25,830
Well, I mean,
532
00:22:25,864 --> 00:22:27,598
Mary knows I'm a good actor,
533
00:22:27,633 --> 00:22:30,001
but now that Authors in Hellis closed,
534
00:22:30,035 --> 00:22:33,004
I'm not gonna get to show
the rest of the world.
535
00:22:33,038 --> 00:22:35,472
Oh, yeah.
536
00:22:35,507 --> 00:22:37,274
You know what,
537
00:22:37,309 --> 00:22:38,125
I got an idea.
538
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,609
Why don't you
do it right here?
539
00:22:39,644 --> 00:22:41,111
Hop right up there,
and show the...
540
00:22:41,146 --> 00:22:42,512
show the whole bar.
541
00:22:42,546 --> 00:22:44,898
I don't know.
542
00:22:46,484 --> 00:22:47,952
All right.
543
00:22:47,986 --> 00:22:49,753
Gather 'round, everybody.
544
00:22:49,788 --> 00:22:52,255
I'm going to do Authors in Hell.
545
00:22:52,290 --> 00:22:54,592
I mean, if that's all right
with you, Miss Howe.
546
00:22:54,626 --> 00:22:57,327
Well, I was planning to wait
for the movie, but go ahead.
547
00:23:00,131 --> 00:23:02,332
Imagine if you will
548
00:23:02,367 --> 00:23:04,401
a huge book opens up,
549
00:23:04,435 --> 00:23:08,205
and I-- Mark Twain--
step out.
550
00:23:08,239 --> 00:23:11,475
I am surrounded by various
tormented American writers.
551
00:23:11,510 --> 00:23:13,276
And Satan.
552
00:23:15,130 --> 00:23:16,964
The lights dim.
553
00:23:24,139 --> 00:23:27,208
Persons attempting
554
00:23:27,242 --> 00:23:29,376
to find a motive
in this narrative
555
00:23:29,410 --> 00:23:31,578
will be prosecuted.
556
00:23:31,613 --> 00:23:34,031
Persons attempting
557
00:23:34,066 --> 00:23:35,900
to find a moral in it
558
00:23:35,934 --> 00:23:38,468
will be banished.
559
00:23:38,503 --> 00:23:43,073
Persons attempting
to find a plot in it
560
00:23:43,107 --> 00:23:45,543
will be shot.
561
00:24:02,226 --> 00:24:04,644
Woody, go on.
562
00:24:05,847 --> 00:24:07,481
Well, I just sit here and smoke.
563
00:24:07,516 --> 00:24:11,852
I don't talk again
till the middle of act four.
40733
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