Original subtitles

>> Good evening.

What you are about to see never really happened.

Here we deal in fantasy, yours, hers, his, and ours.

We hope you like the show.

>> Up in your seat belts.

We're about to land in San Francisco.

Ha!

>> Thank you.

>> Thanks, Val.

Do we have time for one more?

>> It's a seven-letter antonym for recklessness.

>> Caution.

>> Hey, I'd really like to thank you.

I know it's not the usual carry-on luggage,

but it's a birthday, and I've been on the road.

>> Gloria?

There's a guy who's sick in the forward toilet.

Don't worry.

I'll deal with him.

Could I have another glass of water, please?

>> It must have fallen out of my wallet.

>> You are so sexy.

>> Oh.

>> Just wait until a little later.

>> Oh, that's going to be hard to do for such a hot man like you.

>> I'll be glad to get this over with.

I've been pinched twice.

>> How's the new apartment coming along?

>> Oh, Gloria, you have the most vivid imagination.

You've got to watch less television.

Go out more.

>> Gloria, I was hoping maybe you and I could get together.

>> This is the captain speaking.

Flight attendants, prepare for arrival and cross check.

Would the passengers please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop?

>> Great landing, Rich.

Remember, this is an airplane, not a basketball.

>> Fuck you, Sheila.

>> You should be so lucky.

>> On behalf of Captain Walker and the crew, we hope you enjoy your stay in San Francisco, the city that knows how.

And if you fly again, you will think of us.

Thank you and have a safe visit.

>> Oh, thanks for the wonderful flight.

>> Thanks for the flight.

>> Thank you.

>> I'll never fly this airplane again.

>> It's definitely a bad ride.

>> Thanks for the ride.

>> See you next time.

>> Wonderful flight.

>> See you next time. Thanks for the flight.

>> Happy trails.

>> Aloha.

>> Thanks again.

>> Goodbye, Gloria. I'll call you.

>> Goodbye, girls.

>> Can you imagine he called us girls?

I'd like to show him what a real woman's about.

>> Well, I don't mind being called a girl every once in a while.

>> But not coming from a womanizer like him.

>> Hi, girls. How's the flight?

>> Pretty standard.

>> Who was the captain?

>> Rich Walker.

>> Ooh, Captain Dick.

>> What?

>> Hung like a horse, honey.

The human tripod.

>> Oh, baby.

>> Are you through with this, dear?

>> Oh, Harry, it's such a beautiful ring.

>> This is Dr. Skinner.

Dr. Skinner, white courtesy telephone.

>> Here are your keys, Gloria.

Thanks for letting us use the apartment.

>> We've got a real cute place, but there are some weirdos in that building.

>> Yeah, the doorman is okay if you're into that sort of thing.

And the grandma who rocks all day is kind of --

>> And how about the guy in the chair?

>> What chair?

>> Rambo in the wheelchair.

Anybody who wears camouflage gear all the time has to be a little twisted.

>> Sounds kind of interesting to me.

>> Oh, the bus. Thank God it's here.

>> Nah, you wouldn't like him.

He lives with his mother.

>> What's wrong with that?

I live with my mother.

>> He said, did I find your G spot, honey?

I said, learn your alphabet, hon.

G comes after more than five minutes of F.

>> There's a big convention in town.

Lots of eligible men.

>> Who have lonely wives at home.

>> Here, Gloria, let me help you with that bag.

Put your bag up over here.

>> Where to, ladies?

>> Anywhere where we're not ladies.

Just take me home, Charlie.

Take me to a cold martini and a hot young boy.

>> Yahoo!

>> How about a warm beer and a middle-aged man?

>> I love the west coast.

The men are men and the sheep know it.

>> If you've got it, flaunt it.

>> Yoo-hoo!

>> Why don't you ask Gloria?

She's bisexual.

She likes men and boys.

It says in the paper, Lauren green just turned 71.

That's 497 in dog years.

>> Gloria, don't forget to go to the strike meeting tomorrow.

>> Bye.

>> Bye-bye, Gloria.

We'll see you later.

>> Bye.

>> See you later.

Bye-bye.

>> Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

>> Rough flight.

>> Mm-hm.

>> Boy, you've got some weirdos in that building.

Weirdos, weirdos, weirdos.

You wouldn't like him.

He lives with his mother.

Anyone who wears camouflage gear has to be a little twisty.

Twisty, twisty.

>> Hey, your umbrella.

>> Gloria, you've got the most vivid imagination.

>> Take me to a cold martini and attack your boy.

>> You poor child.

I know exactly how you feel.

>> Please believe me.

>> You're freezing.

Let me try to warm you.

>> Gloria, please try to relax.

I know exactly how you feel.

Please believe me.

No one's going to hurt you.

And think only of how you want to entrust your body to my care.

I'm your friend.

Be assured of my loving compassion.

I promise you, everything's going to be all right.

Sit down here.

That's a good girl.

That's it.

Nothing to be afraid of.

Try to relax your toes, Gloria.

Feel them tingle.

That's it.

That's it.

Now your calves.

Try to think of them as part of your feet.

Warm and heavy.

Concentrate, Gloria.

Concentrate on your legs.

Now extend this feeling up into your thighs.

That's it.

The sensation you've been feeling through the rest of your body has traveled and now envelops you entirely.

Your breasts, Gloria.

Your breasts will begin to feel warm and your nipples tingle with anticipation.

See how the muscles of your belly soothe underneath my touch, melting without form or shape.

Lie still and think of your body and how good it feels.

Now try to imagine this feeling creeping slowly, ever so slowly and only think of how you want to trust your body to my care.

Now, a long time ago, I lay on this very same bed as you and I felt exactly the way you do now.

Gloria, I'm going to tell you everything that's going to take place, so there's no need to be frightened.

But first you must try to relax. Please.

I'm about to prepare you for the most exquisite moment of your life.

Gloria, please try to relax.

Calm down.

Everything's going to be all right, I promise you. There's nothing to be afraid of.

Calm down, Gloria.

That's it.

It's so much better when you relax.

Concentrate, Gloria.

Concentrate, because the pleasure that you feel will go to your very depths and consume you.

So, Gloria, you're going to be all right.

I'm going to tell you everything that's going to take place.

I'm going to tell you everything that's going to take place.

Clark. Barry Clark.

Joe sent me.

You've been here before, Clark. You know the rules.

But there have been a few changes.

Three pair of latex gloves.

Two lubricated condoms.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Be a wise-ass, Clark. One tube of non-oxynol-9 spermicide. Now beat it. The show has already started.

Clark. Uh, Barry Clark.

You're late.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together where our self of the florist sweetheart, the lovely Carmelita and her pony.

And with tonight's special guest, artiste, jalapeno.

Hope you like the show.

And on every other Saturday, ladies and gentlemen, we feature Pinocchio and Geppetto, where a woman in the audience will be asked to participate by sitting on his face and saying, lie to me, lie to me.

Mr. Clark. Huh? That gentleman over there would like to buy you a drink.

Hey, good to see you again. Why don't you and your friends come join me down at my table. Ringside. Oh, boy. Oh, let's go.

Thank you. Thank you very much. This is a condom. Not a balloon. So, don't blow it up first. Remember, do not make sexual contact without the condom in place. Any questions?

You said never use petroleum grease or oil lubricants on condoms. Does that mean vegetable shortening as well?

Yes, only use that if you want to make a flaky pie crust.

I made a joke here.

No job. I couldn't get a job either, busting my rear end. So I took a job in swimming and stuff.

Okay, you can swim and stroke. I figured it was very astonishing.

Which would you prefer, wine or champagne?

Champagne.

Brute Zero, Brute, Extra Sec, Sec, Demi Sec or Dieu?

Brute's fine.

Split, pint, bottle, magnum, Jeroboam, Rehoboam, Salmanazar, Methuselah, Balthazar or Nebcatnezzar.

We'll start with a bottle. We'll work our way up.

Excellent choice, Mr. Clark.

Would you like some water, please?

Yes, please.

What's that secret you're keeping?

Oh, there's a whole piano and they play it hot behind the green door.

Oh, I don't know what they're doing, honey, but they laugh a lot behind the green door.

Wish they'd let me in so I could find out what's behind the green door.

See that door over there? Oh, that's the one I'm talking about.

What's behind the green door?

Come on, give me some time, honey. I'll tell you a fortune.

Not once, tried to tell them I'd been there. Door slammed, hospitality's been there.

I wonder just what's going on in there.

I saw an eyeball deepen through a smokey cloud behind the green door.

When I said Joe sent me, someone laughed out loud. Ha! Behind the green door, all I wanted to do is join that happy crowd behind the green door.

Green door, what's behind it? What's behind the green door?

Lights, one more hour without sleeping. I'm watching till the morning comes creeping.

Green door, what's that secret you're keeping?

Oh, green door, what's that secret you're keeping?

Green door, what's that secret you're keeping? Green door, come!

Oh, I know I shouldn't go any further, but you only go around once in this lifetime.

So if you're taking chances, honey, remember, stay safe.

This is my next door neighbor.

Are you sure you got the right place?

Well, we were given tickets.

Honeymoon!

Alright, follow me.

It's our honeymoon!

Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated. The main attraction is about to begin.

Hey, isn't that your brother up there?

Hello, would you like some wine or champagne, condoms, latex gloves, or non-oxynol 9?

Gloria, I thought maybe you and I could go out sometime.