Original subtitles

There.

I think we've just about got it.

Watch the veil, darling.

Mother, you're so intense about everything.

This wedding has got to be 100% perfect.

And you know something always goes wrong.

Murphy's law must have been invented for weddings.

Well, the two of you stop it right now.

This is going to be a wonderful wedding.

We have a beautiful, virtuous bride, a handsome dashing groom, and rich.

We mustn't forget Rich.

Yeah, you mustn't forget.

We also have a stunning looking maid of honor,

who just happens to be the bride's best friend.

It's going to be a storybook wedding.

What could possibly go wrong?

Lots of things could go wrong.

I don't think so, dear.

I can't believe what a hypocrite I am.

Just a couple of hours ago, I was telling my daughter, the bride who subsidizes

Macy's department store, and her mealy mouth maid of honor, what a glorious,

fabulous wedding this was going to be.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, it feels good.

Oh, yeah.

Keep doing that.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's it.

Just forget about the wedding.

Tell me formality.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Besides, you're going to be my mother-in-law.

We have a lot of legitimate reasons to see each other.

Oh, God.

Oh, my dearest bride.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

There's going to be no idea.

Sit this in your mouth.

That'll keep you quiet for a while.

Wow.

Oh.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, shit.

Oh.

Why don't you get eaten up this way?

Oh.

You suck on it, don't you?

Yeah, please.

Oh, don't tease me, Brad.

Please, please.

Please, sit with me.

Please, do it well.

Oh, yeah, eat it just like that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, dear.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh, I'm not coming.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, what can we do?

Oh, God.

Oh.

Just tell me when to say it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, God, it's too hard.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey, Mike, how's my best man?

How you doing, man?

Look, you know we got that final rehearsal at 8, right?

Yeah, I know.

Look, Brad, what's going on?

I mean, you're in here fucking Piper's mother

and making more noise than a Chinese fire drill.

I mean, what's the point in getting married?

And do you really think, do you really think you're being fair to Piper?

Mike, if you're that concerned about Piper, you marry her.

Well, I can't say I'd go quite that far.

But I would love to see pretty Piper on her back with her legs spread.

Hey, where is everybody?

They're in the living room getting bombed before the rehearsal.

I wish it was that easy.

Well, do I detect last-minute jitters?

Or is it something stronger?

Oh, Mike, you understand me better than anyone, don't you?

I mean, you know that this wedding is a major farce.

My mother pushed Brad on me like there was no tomorrow.

I mean, she pushed and she pushed and she pushed, telling me about his social

position, all the money he was going to inherit.

You know, like, I really care.

Piper, that's why I came after you.

To try and talk you out of this thing.

I mean, Brad wouldn't care at all.

But I guess the most important reason is that

I don't want to see you throw your life away.

You're so sweet.

I mean it.

Kiss me, Mike.

I've got two hours before everything starts.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Okay.

Oh, that's detailed.

Oh.

Whoa.

Yes.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Whoa.

Oh.

Wow.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh.

Muffy,

what are you doing?

This is supposed to be safe until tomorrow night.

Slate, why don't you go to bed?

Do I know you?

Uh, no, I don't think we've met.

My name's Marvin.

I'm the caterer.

You're not gay, are you?

The last wedding I was at, the caterer was gay.

No, I'm not gay.

But I'm not very happy either.

He lost one of his silver platters the other

day and a new one hasn't been delivered yet.

Oh.

Well, don't sweat it, Marvin.

Come right over here and sit down next to me and we'll console each other.

Really?

Of course.

What's wrong, Muffy?

What's wrong?

What's wrong, Brad?

Yeah, what's wrong?

The best man has the hots for your intended bride.

He doesn't have any eyes for me whatsoever.

I should be the one getting married here.

And look at me.

The parental bride's made.

So, hey, uh, can I share some of that bubbly?

Sure, cutie.

Welcome to soap opera city.

Okay.

I guess I'm out of here.

Maybe you should stay.

After tonight, you'll only have Princess Piper to sleep with.

And I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Right, Marvin?

Yeah, sure.

Why is this crazy?

Very weird.

Do you have some of these combs?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Keep those jeans on, too.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I feel you talk about India.

Someone fuck her.

Yeah.

Ooh.

My turn, baby.

Just once.

Ooh.

Yeah, suck it.

Okay.

Once.

Once.

Okay.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

One, two, three, four.

..

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh wow.

Oh wow.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh wow.

Oh yeah.

Oh wow.

Oh wow.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh yeah.

Oh God.

Oh, oh... Oh, oh yeah it is.

Oh, it is good.

So tight.

Oh God, you are so, so, so, so tight.

Oh God.

Oh my goodness.

I'm lonely.

Oh, I'm lonely.

Oh really?

Yeah!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

It's good.

Yeah, that's right.

Lucy, is that you?

Of course.

Who are you expecting?

Hi there.

I was hoping you'd come and see me tonight.

You know, getting married is the end to a lot of things for me.

Well, some of which I'd rather not end, Mom.

Oh, we're still going to see each other, Piper.

Yeah, I know, but not like this.

You know, this just might be our last chance to get together.

Oh, come on, we're best friends.

Your getting married isn't going to stop us.

We're just going to have to be a little bit more careful.

Well, tonight I feel like being anything but careful.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want to touch Jessie?

I want to sleep.

You mean he wishes he could watch this?

It's better I can sleep.

Oh, it's better I can sleep.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there he is.

Come on, Mom.

Yes!

Oh, you're my best friend.

My very bestest... Bestest friend in the whole world!

I love you.

Are you sure you're ready to get married?

To you, yeah.

Bingo.

Who's the asshole that...

Marvin!

What are you doing in my bathroom at two o 'clock in the morning?

What the hell is that?

You're not going to believe it.

It's my serving tray.

My staff misplaced this this afternoon.

I've been looking for it all day.

Can you believe this?

I find it in the bathroom, yet in the cabinet under the sink.

With the pipes?

This is fucking silver.

No, Marvin.

I don't believe that, you horny little devil.

What?

I think you and your serving plate have been waiting here for me.

No.

I'm just looking for my trash.

You can do whatever you want.

I'm taking a shower.

Wait a minute.

What is that in it?

I can do whatever I want?

Yes, you can do whatever you want.

You mean anything?

Okay.

Lick my toes, Marvin.

Okay.

This is exactly what I want.

A compliant little male with huge hard-on.

Marvin, take off your clothes.

They lie down under your house.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'm sure we can take our shower later.

Okay.

But I was looking for this.

Why else would I be here?

Yeah, bullshit.

Yeah, okay.

Shh.

Take it off.

Good boy.

Whoo!

Wait, do it harder than I got to.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

Ah.

Oh.

I've never done it before.

Do you want me to get up on all fours on top of this place?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, shit.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Ah.