Original subtitles

Oh dearie me! l am losing again

- Good evening all - Hello Sid

- How you doing? - What?

- How you doing? - Very much! l'll have a pint

l said "how you doing" not "what you having?"

- What? - Never mind! Come on

Hello curly! What can l get you?

- How about excited? - Congratulations

You are the five hundredth person to say that tonight

You win our star award, a beer mat

- Thanks! A pint for Sid! - Thelma Ritter

Thelma Ritter, eh? l'm Giovanni Cupello

That is not her name! Thelma Ritter's a pint of bitter!

- Cockney rhyming slang - Sure l remember

42 pence!

And a packet of assaulted peasnuts please!

- Cheers - Thanks a lot

- How is the Las Vegas kid doing, eh? - Terrible

- You never win nothing on this machine - l tell you! lt's fixed

Oh no, lady behind bar is telling me

lt is nearly time for somebody to be winning the Jack in the pot

l try again!

But this time l am not looking!

See l tell you, you not win nothing

Yes but l am getting three bars! Look!

lf l'm holding them, next time l will be winning

You've already spent one pound

Yes but if l am getting another bar, l will be collecting five pounds

Oh dearie me! l am not having any more ten p's

Could you be changing this please?

Sorry Ali, l spent all my change

- Max - l got any ten p's

l'll be losing the jack in the pot

Ah professori!

- Good evening - Good evening

- You want a Thelma Ritter? - Pardon?

- Thelma Ritter, bitter - You've been talking to Sid the caretaker

Sure, he's teaching me more of his cockeyned slanging rhyme

- Cockney - Excuse me

- Max! - Yes Mr. Brown

lt's your point of interest! You have to remember what a cockney is

Sure, lt's someone who was born near the sound of Bows Balls

- Bells - Hockay

- You want a drink? - No thanks

- l just called for some cigarettes - Excuse me please Mr. Brown

Would you be having any changes for a pound to be putting in machine?

- You're wasting your money Ali - No l'm sure to be winning

- l'm holding three bars - lt's your money! Let's have a look

- Good evening everybodies - Good evening Ranjeet

Excuse me!

- What are you doing you damn fool? - l'm having a go on this machine

l'm winning the Jackpot

That is my winnings

How can it being your winnings? l am putting the money, 10 p. ln

Here's your ten p. Back

- Take your dirty hands off my money - lt is my money you bearded bandit

Quiet the pair of you! Why don't you share the money?

lt's a good idea! There's five of us

That's one pound each

l mean between Ali and Ranjeet! Then you've both won

- You are as wise as a Holy Guru - Thank you

Actually, it's time you all go back to school

lt's your exams tomorrow! You should be taking every opportunity to study

- l know - Okay

- We go - l go

Come on Ali! You too

- Waiter? - Pardon?

A gin and tonic and a lager please

l'm afraid you're making a mistake

Don't be ridiculous! l know what l want

A gin and tonic for me and a lager for my husband! He's just parking the car

No, you don't understand! l'm a school teacher

That's nothing to be ashamed of

l think it's quite commendable

That you should supplement your income by working in a public house

Look Madam, l am not what you think l am

And l am not interested in your personal problems!

l just want a gin and tonic and a lager

- Yes... - Now

A gin and tonic and a lager

- Good evening Mr. Brown - Hello Sid, how are you?

l'll have a gold watch

- Pardon? - A scotch

l wasn't offering you a drink

- You are? - Nevermind

A scotch for Sid! 20 cigarettes for me

And a gin and tonic and a lager for that lady over there

She thinks l am a waiter

- What? - She thinks l'm a waiter

- How long have we been doing it? - What?

- This waiting - l'm not! l'm not a waiter

- You are? - Never mind

One pound 60 please

Well actually these drinks are for that lady and gentleman over there

- They've still got to be paid for - Yes but...

Never mind l'll pay for them and they can pay me later

How much is it for the gin and tonic and the lager?

- 72 - 72

- Good health - Good health

There you are! 72 p. Please

- Didn't l see you take a drink of my lager? - Yes, it was only a sip

Oh yes l suppose you were tasting it to make sure it was fit to drink

lt was purely accidental

l've a good mind to report you to the brewery

Frankly, l couldn't care less what you do

Your attitude is typical of the working class mentality

lt's people like you that are ruining the country! You're nothing but a peasant

And you sir are a bourgeois snob! 72 p. Please

l refuse to pay for a drink that has been contaminated by your lips

l see

All right don't pay for it! Have it on me!

Here you go!

Silence

This is disgraceful! Ten minutes past seven and Mr. Brown has not arrived

But you are mistaken!

- He is here, isn't he Anna? - Ja

- That's right! He's always early - Yes please

Tonight, he was being so early that he was here ten minutes before he arrived

- He's just gone out - Where has he gone out to?

- Tea room - Toilet

l beg your pardon!

- Toilet - Tea room

Would you like to try again?

Vot they mean is, first he goest to tea room, then he goes to toilet

Yeah

Hello Miss Courtney, sorry l'm late

- But you're not - Really?

According to your students, you were here all the time

- Oh yes well - And where exactly were you?

- We told you, he... - l'm asking Mr. Brown

- Well? - Ah yes...

What is going on?

l don't know, but from their sign language

l think they're trying to say l was having a cup of tea in the toilet

Actually Miss Courtney, l'll tell you the truth! l am late, and the reason is this!

l'd just called to the pub opposite for some cigarettes

l was mistaken for a waiter, bought two drinks for two people l'd never met before

Was called a peasant and finished up by pouring a glass of lager over a man's head

You're an even bigger liar than your students!

l would have thought you'd have made an effort to be early this evening

After all, it's your last chance to teach them something

Before they take their exams tomorrow

Yes, miss Courtney you're quite right as usual

Not that l think any of them have the remotest chance of passing

ln your places please

- She thinks ve are stupid - l think she may have a point

- Por favor - Yes Juan

What you think about this exam? You think we pass?

Do l think you'll pass? Juan, for the past 13 weeks,

you've all been coming here to study

13 weeks of hard work, diligence and application

13 weeks of blood toil and sweat

Slowly, little by little, you have improved

When you sit down to take your examination tomorrow

l will have no doubts whether you'll pass or not! You haven't a cat in hells chance!

Quiet!

Oh blimey, you are not giving us any confidence

Maybe some of you may manage to scrape through

But l shall be most surprised if you all pass

l shall pass to plove supeliolity of lepubric of China

Yes we'll see about that!

ln the meantime, l want tonight to talk about the exam and afterwards

lf any of you have any questions about any points you're not sure of

They'll just ask and l'll do my best to answer them

- Excuse me please - Not yet Taro

l want to talk about the exam first

- Then you can ask a question - Ah so

Now the first thing is l shall not be taking you

Excuse please Mr. Brown, where will you not be taking us to?

l mean l shan't be here tomorrow when you take your exam

Jelly good! We can be reading all the answers from our books

- There will be somebody here - Oh dear

l am thinking l am going to be up a gummy tree

ln any case, you're not supposed to cheat

lt's customary for another teacher from another school

To take an examination of this kind

Excuse me please

- Later Taro please - Ok

When you take your examination, the lower Cambridge certificate is not too difficult

The exam is divided into 3 parts

There will be an oral exam and a written one! Then comes dictation

ls that his name?

ls that who's name?

The man who is going to be taking us to be doing the examination! Dick Tation

Dictation is when a person reads something out aloud and another person copy it down

Like a short fingered typist

- Short hand typist - Yes please

Excuse me please

You can ask your question in a moment Taro

When you've completed your examination, the papers are taken away to be marked

And you will be notified of the results by post

So please make sure you write your names clearly on your papers

Christian name and surname

- l cannot do that - Why not?

l am not a Christian

lf you want to be pedantic about it Ranjeet, write your surname and forename

l am not having four names also

The prefix fore in this case is spelt FORE and means first for example "forefinger"

Uno momente! Four finger - one thumb

- No not four fingers - Si, si

One, two, three, four

- This is my forefinger - No, it's only one

l wonder if l should cancel tomorrow

- Por favor? - Never mind

Excuse please

- Yes you can ask your question now Taro - Requesto permission to visit toilet

- Yes of course, sorry - Thank you

Has anybody else got a question?

Yes, after tomollow, will we see you again?

That depends on so many things, whether l'm engaged for another term

Or whether any of you decide

Whatever the results of your exam to come back for a further course

l will give you my address! You can come and see me any time

Quiet, quiet!

Mr. Brown, can you spare a moment please?

Certainly, l suggest you all study your verbs until l return

As you know, another teacher will be taking the exam tomorrow

Yes

The gentleman who used to be the principal of this college will be supervising your class

He's in my office now! l thought it might be a good idea if you met him

- l'd like to - Do try to make a good impression

lt does no harm if he's favourably disposed towards you

This is our English teacher Mr. Brown

- lt's you - lt's a small world, isn't it?

Silence please!

Exam in progress

Good evening Mr. Cupello! All ready for your examination?

Sure, everything's gonna be "Oki talki"

Buonasera everybody

- Has anybody got a pen? - Yes

- But prease lemember who it berongs to - Sure l will

What are you doing?

l tell you! l just been studying my verbs!

So l'm gonna write them down on my hand so l don't forget

- Typical of western dishonesty - l think it's a good idea

You want to write verb tenses on your hand too?

No, l'm ok on verbs but not good on pronouns

- So write pronouns - No need

l already write them on handkerchief

Smart!

lt is wrong to cheat

- Don't you agree Ali? - Not at all, l am also cheating

You have got something written on your handkerchief?

No, it is in my hat

This is terrible! lf you are found out, you will be disqualified

Old japanese philosopher he say

"Man who deals flom bottomo, usually end up on top"

- You as well? - Taro not good on adverbs

So have some written on chair seat

Good evening everyone

Nice to see you all are bright and early

l expect you're feeling a bit nervous

- l am not nervous - Good

- l am putrified - Petrified

Well do your best!

l'm not supposed to be here so l shall be in the pub

- All right? - All right

But if you all call in when you finish your exam, l'll buy you all an end of term drink

- Good luck Taro - Thank you

You must be nervous! That's the first time you haven't stood up and bowed

- Good luck Juan - Muchas gracias

- Good luck Giovanni - Thanks professori

You're not too nervous to shake hands, are you?

- Si l am very nervous - Nonsense, come on

- That didn't hurt, did it? - Not a lot

Ranjeet

- That's funny, where did that ink come from? - Maybe your pen has got a leak

- Let me see your hand Giovanni - There's nothing there professori

- The other one - There's nothing there either

There's something there now, isn't it?

Oh no, my pen is got a leak as well

And l suppose while it was leaking, it just happened to write a few verbs down

Sorry professori, my verbs are a bit bad

l suggest you clean all that off

- l don't seem to have a handkerchief myself - Max has got a hankerchief!

- l got no handkerchief - What's that sticking out of your top pocket?

Oh that, lt's not a proper handkerchief

Maybe Ali's got a proper handkerchief

Let me see that handkerchief Max

- l see, pronouns are your weak point - lt's right

l'll keep this

How many other little tricks have you been up to Ali?

You're very quiet, are you keeping something under your hat?

Blimey, how are you guessing that?

l didn't!

While l'm thinking of it, Taro would you like to stand up please?

Very ingenious!

- Now Juan, where's your little crib hidden? - Por favor?

Never mind por favor! l know it's somewhere, it's written all over your face

No, no write on my face

This is no laughing matter

- Come on Juan, where is it? - Under table

- Ranjeet - A thousand apologies

Danielle, Anna, Jamila, Su Lee?

We no cheat! Plefer to pass exam on own melits

l'm grad... glad to hear it

Some last minute coaching Brown?

- No, no l just came in to wish them luck - They're going to need more than luck

Goodbye Mr. Brown

- Listen, l'm sorry about yesterday - Goodbye Mr. Brown

Goodbye! Good luck

Now l want absolute silence during this examination, understand?

- Same again! - Don't you think you've had enough?

How can l have had enough? l'm still standing

- You've been to the loo once - That doen't mean anything

You're making it up

- Hello Sid - Same again, thank you

Half a bitter please Mavis and whatever Sid's drinking

- Sid tells me you're not married - That's right l'm not

- l'm not married as well - Congratulations

- l haven't even got a boyfriend - Really?

- How about you? - l haven't got a boyfriend either

Not a regular one anyway!

Look, have a drink on me alright? These are for you

- There you go Sid! There's your pre-exam - Pre cheer! You learned it, aint you?

- Yeah - Good old chap

- How's your Lil? - She's still living

- You don't mean that - Yeah

You know when l was courting her, l used to worship the ground she walked on

Now l worship the ground that is coming to her

- That's not a very nice thing to say - No, but it's more sincere

- You take my tip son, stay single - l haven't much choice at the moment

l can't afford to get married!

- Still l've got Josephine - Who's Josephine?

- ls that your bit of crumpets? - No my siamese cat

- My students will be all hard at it now - Yeah, there's a lot of it about

l was talking about their exam

- l shall miss them next term - Cheer up son

- What you want is another drink - Yeah, good idea!

Yeah, this time l'll have a pint

A penny for them!

l was just wondering how my students were getting on with their exams

- l expect they'll be all right - l hope so

l won't know what to do with myself now that the term's over in the evenings

lt must get a bit lonely for you living on your own

l don't live on my own exactly! l've got Josephine

Yeah she's marvellous! l don't know what to do without her

She's very affectionate! Every morning she wakes me up by nibbling in my ear

That must be nice for you

- l didn't allow her in the bedroom at first - No?

lt wasn't as clean as she might be

She used to sleep in the bathroom

- That sounds a bit uncomfortable - No, she was quite happy on the floor

She must think a lot of you to put up with that

She does! Every evening when I come back home, she runs up to me

And rubs up all against my leg

How erotic!

- She's Siamese - Oh well that explains it

The trouble is like most Siamese she's inclined to be a bit oversexed

- She sounds it - l'm thinking of having her doctored

And l thought you were such a nice fellow

- Pardon? - Nevermind

- Where is Sid? - He's gone back to the school

That is if he can find his way back

- Sid - Yes Miss Courtney

- You reek of drink - l beg your pardon?

- Drink - lf you insist

- l'll have a drop of your sherry - You had more than enough already

- Have you finished? - Yes please

- How'd you do? - l'm very well! How do you do?

l mean how did you get on with your exams?

We hope we have not let Mr. Brown down

Miss Courtney!

- Would you care for a sherry before you go? - l'd be delighted

Do sit down!

lt takes me back... Here in the old office

l expect you miss the hurly burly of the school life

Yes l sleep nights now

- There we are - Thank you

You know Miss Courtney, l didn't know you indulged

l don't really, just an occasional sherry

Ready for another?

- Everyone got a drink? - Yeah

l just would like to say l wish you all every success

lt's been great teaching you and l shall miss you

You have been giving us much wisdom

l am so sad

- You are a vonderful teacher - Si, si

- We never forget our English teacher - Yes

You are the nicest impe lionist l have met

Professori, lt's been a real pleasure

Si, it won't be the same next time

We owe you big debto

Well cheers!

- Cheers - Good health

- l really must be going! l'm meeting my wife - Just one moment before you go Mr Short

How do you think the foreign students got on with their exams?

Terrible!

How do you think you got on with your exams?

Fantastic!

The answer to the "What is a sentence?"

The chappie in the turban answered

"A sentence is what you get when you are sent to prison"

The questions were being very easy to answer

To the question: "What is the past participle of l write?"

The Spanish fellow answered, "l have wrotten"

l answer everyting OK

The chinese lady was writing backwards

Of course, l don't know how they answered the other questions

But if what l saw is anything to go by, then l shall be very surprised if any of them pass

Goodbye Miss Courtney

l'm very proud of you all! l know you wouldn't let me down!

- Shall we have another drink? - Yes

- Whose round is it? - Yours

Waiter! Oh dear

- What are you doing with my wife? - Nothing, l just...

- You stupid fool - l'm terribly sorry

- Let me buy you both a drink - No, no, no please, please

Have this one on me!