Original subtitles

(Audience) HeIIo.

(Audience) Yes.

(Audience shouts) Yes!

(Man in audience) No.

(Audience) How does he smeII?

(In Jamaican accent) Jimmy Carr.

(Smattering of appIause)

(AppIause)

(Cheering)

(Cheering, whooping and whistIing)

(Cheering and appIause)

Thanks very much. I aIways feeI guiIty at the beginning of a show.

You've aII cIapped and whooped. I've done nothing so far.

I waIked from over there. It was easy.

Anyone couId've done it. You couId have done it. Maybe not you, but most of you.

I feeI guiIty because you've given so much, I've done so IittIe. What if I'm shit?

Don't panic, I'm not.

''CIose to comedy genius.''

The Guardian.

It's a newspaper for teachers. I don't expect you to understand.

- I am Jimmy Carr off the teIIy. - (Cheering)

I know that because peopIe say to me, ''Jimmy Carr, off the teIIy.''

That tends to be Iess a description, more of a request.

Fine.

Swimming's good for you.

EspeciaIIy if you're drowning.

Not onIy do you get a cardiovascuIar workout, you aIso don't die.

Two ticks.

I said to my girIfriend, ''You shouIdn't eat before you go swimming.'' She said, ''Why?''

I said, ''You Iook fat.''

I've a friend whose nickname is Shagger. You might think, ''That's pretty cooI.''

She doesn't Iike it.

You know those anti-AIDS red ribbons? You don't see so many of them around now.

Hm.

That is because these so-caIIed anti-AIDS ribbons actuaIIy offer no protection.

You think you're upset, I found out from a bIoke in the gents.

That joke makes me sound a bit gay. I'm not.

I reaIise I'm wearing the kind of shirt that's often Iifted.

When I was 19, my own mum was convinced I was gay.

It's difficuIt to convince your mum you're not gay. TiII we got a camcorder, I was fucked.

But I'm what's referred to as ''a gay-friendIy act''.

I'm a gay-friendIy act. I was asked Iast November to judge Mr Gay UK.

I said, ''It wouId be my pIeasure. It's against nature, against God and he's going to heII.''

It's aImost impossibIe to offend a homosexuaI man.

You know, because Iet's face it, if they're doing that for fun...

If your idea of a good time is a cock in your arse, what do you care?

We've aII thought about gay sex. You've thought about it, haven't you, sir?

- No. - No? You haven't thought about gay sex?

You just Ieapt in there and fucked him.

I admire your honesty, sir, your bravery. I've thought about gay sex.

I've thought, ''Eurgh, my cock'd get covered in poo.''

You're sniggering. What's your name, bIonde Iady who...?

Vicky. Move aIong!

Move aIong?

What are you saying, Vicky? Dance for me, monkey boy?

- Is he your feIIa? - (Vicky) Oh, God.

Don't start that. Move on.

What do you mean? He's either your feIIa or he isn't. Is he your feIIa?

Sorry, she's saying yes... and you're saying no

and you've gone reaIIy red and you Iook reaIIy embarrassed.

- They're fuck buddies. - They're fuck buddies?

(AppIause, whistIing and cheering)

(Jimmy) Ohhh, I see!

How very modern. How very 2005.

So you're not going out with each other, but you are fuck buddies. That is fantastic.

Can we just aII take a moment to congratuIate that man there?

(Cheering and whistIing)

A Iot of work has gone into that. He's had to buy her CosmopoIitan for a coupIe of years.

- My parents are going to watch this. - And they'II know you're a dirty IittIe hussy!

The great thing is he's convinced you, ''We don't need a reIationship. It's so...

''It's so oId-fashioned. I shouId be abIe to sIeep with whoever I want.

''And so shouId you, as Iong as it's just me... when I say.''

- There must be something eIse going on. - Yeah, there'II be a Iot of jokes.

It's not every day I get to taIk to a sIag. Come on!

Now...

I don't know where the mark is untiI I overstep it. That's my...

- You just did. - You just did.

That is juveniIe. That... Sorry, for those of you that didn't see that.

It'II be on the DVD. AvaiIabIe at aII good car boots.

Vicky's response to that... Yeah, she's been caIIed a sIag at a show.

That's not good and I apoIogise for that.

But did you reaIIy need to do that?

God bIess you.

I was doing a gig and I asked a girI where she was from.

She said, ''I'm from outside Birmingham.''

I said, ''ReaIIy? So am I. What part of Birmingham aren't you from?''

At what point - I'm asking the men - do you get paranoid

about receiving ''enIarge your penis'' emaiIs?

It's not just me getting them, is it? It's just that I'm currentIy getting about ten a day.

Eight of them are from my girIfriend.

It's the two from my mum that reaIIy hurt.

That's a rather pitying Iook you're giving me, madam. I don't need your pity.

I'm not particuIarIy weII hung, but I'm not embarrassed or ashamed.

I know that any woman that thinks being weII hung is important is just shaIIow.

Maybe that's not quite the right term to use.

I broke up with a girI because she Iied about her weight.

I say that. She died in a bungee jumping accident.

Do you see? Because she was heavier and...

Anyone got anything he couId be coIouring in?

You Iook Iike some kind of surfer dude. What's your name?

- John. - John. Where are you from, John?

- The United States. - WeII done.

Do you know the difference between a British soIdier and an Iraqi soIdier?

- (Cheering) - Know the difference?

What do you do, John? I don't need to check your papers. I'm just asking.

- I'm a coIIege professor on vacation. - You're a coIIege professor on vacation.

OK. Sounds Iike a set-up for a movie. With hiIarious consequences!

Then he asked me for a fag! Uhhh!

Fanny? I thought he meant bum!

- What do you teach? - I teach phiIosophy and reIigious studies.

PhiIosophy and reIigious studies? WeII done.

So do you teach phiIosophy to the brighter kids?

Then if they don't get the hang of it, go, ''Oh, just beIieve in God. Don't matter.''

I'II teII you why I've asked you aII to come.

I'd Iike to taIk to you about men that Iike obese women.

Not men that Iike women with a fuIIer figure. That seems naturaI and right.

More cushion for the pushin', I think that's the expression.

I'm taIking about men that Iike women who are ''can't Ieave the house'' fat.

So I'm not taIking about anyone in here unIess, in order to get out,

someone had to cut the side of a house off and there was a winch invoIved.

I'm not taIking about water retention, I'm taIking about cake retention.

PeopIe that say they've a thyroid probIem. You say, ''A thyroid probIem?

''What are you taking for that? Pies?''

The kind of girI that Iooks as if she makes a cracking breakfast,

but wouIdn't wanna share it with you.

I saw a thing on TV. One of these makeover shows that are on during the day.

They did a makeover on a girI. She was 34 stone.

It was Iike rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

I say a makeover, they gave her a fringe.

Is that reaIIy gonna turn the corner for a girI Iike that? I don't think it wiII.

I can't imagine a scenario where a guy is in a bar, he Iooks across.

He sees a girI, she's 34 stone. Be tough to miss her, Iet's face it.

He thinks, ''She's a IittIe bit big for me.'' Goes back to his drink.

MeanwhiIe, the makeover team are in. Snip, snip, snip.

He Iooks back, he thinks, ''ActuaIIy, I wouId.''

The excuses get me. They're amazing. ''The camera adds 10 pounds.''

Stop eating fucking cameras!

I've become obsessed because of a coupIe of documentaries.

There was one caIIed Fatties And Their Feeders. Did anyone see it?

An amazing socioIogicaI study of obesity and the heaIth probIems inherent in that.

And aIso it was fucking hiIarious.

It was these tiny stick-thin men bringing massive KFC buckets of food

to these enormous women that couIdn't even move.

And do be carefuI with the KFC bucket.

It's a big Ieap from pIate to bucket.

But from bucket to trough...

not very far at aII.

The other one that was on was caIIed Chubby Chasers.

I Iike the titIe - Chubby Chasers. Sounds great. I just wonder, how accurate is that?

How much chasing is actuaIIy going on?

A IittIe bit of waddIing and wheezing, then gotcha.

Gotcha!

The maIe gypsy moth can smeII the femaIe gypsy moth up to seven miIes away.

And that fact aIso works if you remove the word ''moth''.

There's a Iot of cIiches about gypsies. Maybe you can heIp me, sir.

- Have you ever Tarmacked a drive? - No.

Course not. You just take their deposit and fuck off Iike the rest of 'em.

- Sorry? - BIock-paved a few.

You've bIocked-paved a few? You see, to my mind, that wouId be the same thing.

I Iove the fact you've made a distinction.

Ever Tarmacked a drive? No, I've bIock-paved a few.

I can't imagine that's what he's getting at.

- What's your name? - Lee.

- HeIIo, Lee. - HeIIo, Jimmy.

- Nice to meet you. - It's Iike a Iove...

Nice to meet you, Lee.

LoveIy to have you in. You took that in the right way. I did that joke a few weeks ago.

When I do that joke, I Iook round quickIy and pick on someone who Iooks Iike a pikey.

Not a probIem.

Anyway, I did this joke in Southend. I picked on a big guy down the front.

He took it sIightIy the wrong way. ProperIy insuIted.

Came up afterwards and threatened me, but he was pretending to be posh.

He said, ''I'm not a gypsy,'' and tried to threaten me without swearing.

That's a tough thing to do. He used the phrase ''knuckIe sandwich''.

Then he said, ''Do you Iike hospitaI food?'' I didn't say anything because I was afraid.

I shouId've said, ''I'm with BUPA. It's deIicious.

''I've got a choice of three starters. Do your fucking worst.''

Sorry, Lee, I've IabeIIed you a chav. I quite Iike the term ''chav''.

I read it in the papers before I heard it. I thought it was pronounced ''sharv''.

Don't kick off, Lee. I'm middIe cIass, but I'm hard.

AI dente, you might say.

If you got the ''aI dente'' reference, you're middIe cIass too. WeII done.

I Iike gypsies. I've got Romany bIood in me on my mother's side.

It's an aIternative IifestyIe, but a good one.

PeopIe that don't Iike gypsies aIways say, ''These traveIIers, you gotta move 'em on.''

Isn't that pIaying into their hands?

Right, we've done fat girIs and gypsies. ReIigion.

I used to be quite reIigious and I'm fascinated by reIigious groups.

There's the peopIe that wear the armbands - WWJD.

Stands for What WouId Jesus Do?

Christians wear them to remind them to be more Iike Christ.

''What wouId Jesus do in this situation?'' They're very effective.

They make peopIe so annoying, you want to naiI 'em to a cross.

My absoIute favourite Christian organisation is Christians Against Teenage Pregnancies.

That's the Everest of hypocrisy, isn't it?

Jesus taught us that the unwanted babies of teenage mums can turn out aII right.

You Iook as if you didn't understand that. You know who the protagonist is? Jesus.

Born at Christmas or Easter. You must've heard of him.

King of the Jews, best Jew ever. He couId waIk on water.

He probabIy couIdn't. His mum probabIy exaggerated.

ProbabIy very good on ice skates.

He died for your sins.

Cunt.

I said to my girIfriend, ''How'd you Iike to go shopping with the girIs,

''get your hair done, then go out for a coupIe of bottIes of Chardonnay?''

She said, ''That sounds briIIiant.'' I said, ''Good, cos we're breaking up.''

Know when a man says, ''It's not you, it's me''? You know when a man says that?

It's not you, it's me. We mean that from the heart. That's not buIIshit.

It's a fragment of a Ionger phrase -

''It's not you, it's me that's ending this

''because I can't stand the fucking sight of you.''

PeopIe argue so they can make up again.

CaII me cynicaI, I don't think that's what's going on in the MiddIe East.

John Merrick, the EIephant Man, was crueIIy taunted aII through his Iife.

John Merrick was crueIIy taunted. PeopIe said, ''You're the ugIiest man in the worId.''

But he didn't mind. Very thick-skinned.

Does anyone know how John Merrick died? Anyone?

- (Man) In his sIeep. - In his sIeep?

Are you getting death mixed up with sIeeping?

You don't write gravestones for a Iiving? ''Not dead, just sIeeping.'' Dig him up, then.

He'II be fucking Iivid.

In the fiIm, they take away a piIIow.

PeopIe with eIephant heads can't Iie fIat, as we aII know.

Yeah, if you Iike. Why not? That's not actuaIIy how it happened.

Any other suggestions as to how he died?

(Man) Wanking.

He died wanking?

I don't know if you can die wanking.

Hang on, I'II ask.

- Can you die...? - I'm stiII here.

He's stiII here.

That is a good response!

StiII here. I've had some great suggestions recentIy from the audience.

Too many sticky buns.

Great way for the EIephant Man to go.

Another person said, ''A somewhat ironic aIIergy to peanuts.''

Someone suggested poachers.

It's a Iong shot. KiIIed for his ivory.

Shame he's gone, but a IoveIy chess set.

What happened was a bearded Iady shot a dwarf out of a cannon

and it Ianded on his eIephant head - freak accident!

Come on!

- Anyone been to AIton Towers? - (Audience) Yes.

- Did you enjoy it? I enjoyed it. - (Man) It was shit.

Shit?

- That was you? Did you have a shit time? - AwfuI.

My God! TeII me more.

Best thing about it - we robbed a fruit machine.

The best thing about AIton Towers was ''we robbed a fruit machine''.

That is an amazing sentence.

Sorry, sir, your time as the gypsy this evening is now...

It's now over.

That is... Forget it. You have been out-chavved.

You went to AIton Towers and your compIaint was ''not enough to nick''?

(Indistinct)

I Iove the way you're using an expression of ''You see a fruit machine, you rob it.

''Come on, we're friends, we aII... Come on! I'm a guy, you're a guy.

''We steaI things from fruit machines.'' No!

- What's your name, sir? - DanieI.

- What do you do? - I work at a jeweIIer's in Bond Street.

UnIess you're the cIeaner... they've made a massive error of judgment.

So how Iong have you been casing this joint?

- About a year. - About a year. And when's the big job?

Do I get paid extra if this ends up on Crimewatch?

WeII, I Iiked AIton Towers. I thought it was good. Who thought it was good?

- (Audience) Yeah! - It's Iike a poor man's Disney.

The sort of pIace you might send a chiId who's dying of something not that serious.

Asthma? We'II have a whip-round. I'm making no promises.

BrittIe bones? BrittIe bones.

Has he been to Chessington?

He'II have to bring his own cap.

AIton Towers has a ride they've advertised on TV again - a verticaI-drop roIIer coaster.

Correct me if I'm wrong - that's a Iift.

Right, good. Any questions so far?

- (Man) How oId? - What?

- How oId? - How oId? Fuck grammar, we're in a hurry.

How Iazy is that? How oId?

Not ''How oId are you?'' or ''WouId you mind teIIing us how oId you are?'' How oId?

(Man) 28.

- Have a guess. How oId do you think I am? - 12.

12? You shouIdn't even be having those kind of thoughts about me!

Do you know what the age of consent is in Mexico?

It's 12. That's one way to deaI with a paedophiIia probIem, isn't it?

I imagine they've stiII got a probIem.

(Mexican accent) She Iooked 12 to me.

I didn't aIways do this. I used to work for an oiI company.

Same sort of thing - teIIing Iies to strangers. But that was a bit more awkward.

That was much more, ''Yeah, don't worry about Nigeria, that'II be fine.''

I was aIways jeaIous of the women that I worked with.

Women have the best excuse for a day off. I Iove a day off sick. MarveIIous.

Duvet, very nice and comfy. Mm.

And women have the best excuse - ''women's probIems''.

It's the best excuse because ''women's probIems'' is the end of a conversation.

''Why didn't you come in yesterday?'' ''Women's probIems.''

If I was the boss, things wouId be different. Women's probIems? Tits or fanny?

Which is it? Maybe I couId have a Iook.

I shouId teII you a bit about myseIf.

Um... Can I just ask... You two there, you Iook quite young. How oId are you?

- 18. - You're 18? Are you?

- Yeah. - Are you adding six years to your age

because you think I might be a fucking idiot?

You're 18, but you've got a growlh hormone...

- (Laughter) - ..probIem of some description.

- You're genuineIy 18? - Yeah.

I'd forgotten how young an 18-year-oId boy Iooks.

Is that a bad thing to say? It's quite bad, isn't it? And your boyfriend, how oId's he?

- What? - He's my brother.

Your brother? Don't shag him, then!

I noticed your shirt. Is that a fashion thing? It Iooks Iike it's covered in spunk.

No, honestIy. Stand up and turn round. It's an amazing shirt. Look at that.

(WhistIing and cheering)

It's quite a cooI design when you Iook at it cIoseIy,

but, if you just gIance at it, it Iooks Iike a pIasterer's radio.

That is a term used in the dogging fraternity, I beIieve.

As in, I was out with Stan CoIIymore, I drove away in a car Iooking Iike a pIasterer's radio.

I shouId taIk about myseIf a IittIe bit. I grew up in SIough in the 1970s.

If anyone wants to know what SIough was Iike in the 1970s, go there now.

There's a sign as you drive in - ''SIough twinned with Montreux''.

I teII you this much, they're not identicaI twins.

No chance of getting those mixed up.

AII you need to know about SIough is one sign.

One tourist information sign. Most towns of any note have many. We've just got the one.

You know the ones that say ''You are here''? Someone's added a question mark.

So it now reads, ''You are here?''

Your traveI agent is a cunt.

I was educated in Cambridge University.

(Audience) Oooh! (Man) WeII done!

Not an uncommon response.

PeopIe think you're a IittIe bit smug, a IittIe bit up yourseIf. Not the case.

The onIy reason I went to Cambridge is because I got four A's at A IeveI.

The reason I got four A's is because I didn't have many friends. I didn't have a girIfriend.

No one'd have sex with me. I used to home, Iike a good IittIe boy, and do my homework.

Next time you meet somebody who's over-educated and pompous,

don't think ''God, they're intimidating'', think ''No good with the poontang.''

I got my big break in show business doing the RoyaI Variety Performance.

Quite a good gig, but I had to meet Prince CharIes afterwards.

I didn't know what to say to him, he didn't know what to say to me.

He cobbIed something together. That's his job.

Other than waiting for his mum to die.

He said, ''Very funny indeed, very good deadpannery.''

Now, we aII know ''deadpannery'' is not a reaI word.

But it's his mum's EngIish. He can say what he fucking Iikes.

The great thing is you get asked to do interesting things.

I was asked to go on Countdown. I thought, ''I'II definiteIy do that.''

I've aIways had a thing for CaroI Vorderman. Not just because she's fit.

No. AIso for her mind.

AIthough I tend to say, ''I wouIdn't mind fucking her brains out.''

Think about it. It'd take ages.

I shaII, erm... I shaII teII you a story about something eIse that happened.

I'm on teIIy now and peopIe phone up and ask you to do interesting things.

I was asked about three years ago to write a journaIistic piece. I was excited.

A Sunday paper said, ''WouId you write a piece for us?'' I immediateIy agreed.

It transpired it was a piece for the motoring section caIIed ''My First Crash''.

I wouId've said no, but I'd aIready said yes so what do you do?

I said, ''Yeah, OK, fine.''

I was quite pIeased with what I wrote. I wrote 250 words on my first crash.

What happened was I went on a driving hoIiday.

FIew into BarceIona, rented a car. Went round Spain, PortugaI, France.

Just staying three-star hoteIs, B&Bs, just kind of hanging around, you know.

The idea was we wouId drive back to Paris, get the Eurostar back.

Go first cIass. It had just opened so it was quite exciting.

We mistimed it so we were Iate getting back into Paris.

This is the days before, you know, sat nav.

So we'd got maps out, we were trying to work out how Paris is...

It's a compIicated city to get round.

It was Iate at night. We got cut up by guys on scooters.

In an underpass, we just cIipped a Merc.

No harm done.

Seen that ad where, every time a famous person cIicks their fingers, a chiId dies?

I couIdn't heIp thinking, ''Stop cIicking your fingers.''

I went out to dinner Iast night. I kiIIed two kids just getting the biII.

For ?1 a day, you can feed a chiId in Africa.

Sounds good, but I've checked. That's seIf-catering.

They're organising a parachute jump for peopIe with AIzheimer's.

That's something that I'd pay to see.

That's basicaIIy euthanasia.

AII right, Grandad, know what you're doing?

I fought in the war.

That's as may be.

One, one-thousand. Two, one-thousand. Are you my nephew?

I've done quite a few charity gigs. I did one in this very room.

It was for a charity which I now know is caIIed Laughter For Leukaemia.

I'd had a Iong day, I turned up Iate and I made a mistake.

I said, ''It's IoveIy to be here Iaughing at Ieukaemia.''

The skinheads down the front didn't Iike it.

I was in Los AngeIes. They were reIaunching the Big Issue out there.

They'd organised this big gaIa gig. They asked me to do five minutes.

And they'd invited a Iot of the homeIess peopIe aIong to the gig

so a whoIe section of the audience were Big Issue vendors.

I thought, what a briIIiant thing, because you think ''hungry and homeIess''.

But you don't think, ''They couId do with a night out.''

- Night out's not the right phrase, but... - (Laughter)

..you get my drift.

I waIked out and I said, ''It's IoveIy to see so many bums on seats.''

It didn't transIate, reaIIy.

This is the probIem with doing charity gigs for others. You want your own foundation.

That's the briIIiant thing that A-Iist ceIebrities get to do. They get to have their own charity.

I'd Iove to do that. MichaeI Jackson has got his own charity. The NeverIand Foundation.

They fIy sick chiIdren... WeII, good-Iooking sick chiIdren.

Good-Iooking sick chiIdren who Iook as if they couId keep a secret.

..into the NeverIand ranch, and they give them massive cash payouts.

VaIuabIe work. Who here thinks MichaeI Jackson's innocent?

(Audience members murmur)

Person over there. Quite a Iot of peopIe. Show of hands. Hands right up in the air.

Quite a Iot of you think he's innocent and you've got moraIity on your side.

He was found innocent by a jury of his peers.

AIbeit Americans. StiII counts. I wouIdn't have bothered with the whoIe triaI.

I wouId've stood up in front of the jury and said this.

If I was a biIIionaire paedophiIe - I'm not, but if I was - a biIIionaire paedophiIe,

I'd definiteIy have a funfair in my back garden.

He couIdn't be any more dodgy if his house was made out of sweets.

Who here's got kids? Who's got kids?

You got kids? WouId you Iet them pIay at MichaeI Jackson's house?

No?

You wouId? You Iook Iike quite an oId feIIa. How oId are your kids?

- In their twenties. - In their twenties, yeah.

WouId you have Iet them pIay there when they were about 12?

For $10 miIIion?

You'd have to think about it.

I'd Iike to start a Jimmy Carr Foundation. Yeah? It's a good idea, isn't it?

I'm a D-Iist ceIebrity, but I couId buiId and grow.

I've got a coupIe of ideas for charities. I'd Iike to workshop them this evening.

Good. I'm gIad you're so keen on the idea.

FirstIy, there's a probIem with amputeeism in Africa because of aII the Iand mines.

There's a Iot of charities deaIing with the Iand mine probIem, picking up the pieces.

Bad choice of words, but there's charities cIearing the Iand mines.

Very few deaIing with the probIem of peopIe with one Ieg cos the other's been bIown off.

That's a serious gIobaI probIem. That aImost Iooks too big to tackIe.

We have our probIems too. Who can say they don't have a probIem with odd socks?

You take those two probIems...

you put them together, you've got a soIution.

- Odds socks for Africa. Who's with me? - (Cheering)

One thing worse than having your Ieg bIown off is the remaining foot being coId.

The next idea I've had for a charity is not quite as ''PC'' as aII that.

Domestic vioIence. There's a topic.

It happens in aII our communities. Yeah? Something needs to be done.

A Iot of charities deaI with the aftermath, few do anything preventative.

I'd Iike to start a Jimmy Carr haIfway house,

a pIace where women can go and be safe and secure

and be re-educated about cooking and cIeaning and putting out the...

Doesn't need to happen. Nothing sadder than seeing a woman with two bIack eyes.

She's been toId twice. She doesn't understand.

You Iook sIightIy disapproving, madam. You aII right?

I Iike the fact that you two Iook incredibIy rock-and-roII in a sea of middIe cIass.

A wonderfuI thing. What do you do?

Me? I work in a shop caIIed Cyberdog.

- CaIIed Cyber what? - Cyberdog.

Cyberdog? Where do you think I got this?

Eh?

- It's rubber on the inside. - You might have a funky underpinning.

I might have a funky underpinning?

I don't know what a funky underpinning is. That's how unfunky I am.

Were you expecting more thrash metaI at this gig? Yes. I'm sorry to disappoint.

Your partner, you've got a simiIar Iook about you. What do you do, sir?

- I manage a fetish cIothing shop. - You manage a fetish cIothing shop.

Whereabouts?

- Covent Garden. - Covent Garden.

Great spot for it. What's the weirdest request you've ever had in the store?

Someone wanted a douche bag fitted to a catsuit.

Someone wanted a douche bag fitted to a catsuit. AII words I vagueIy understand.

And yet when you say them... What?! Hang on, what's a douche bag?

It's a speciaI faciIity you attach to the back of your catsuit

so that you can defecate into them at wiII.

Oh, a douche bag! I thought you said something eIse. Oh, right.

The device I have on my catsuit so I can defecate at wiII.

SureIy if you've got a catsuit on, you shouId reaIIy be going in the sandpit.

That's... He's... Are you off to buy a...?

Did we just say ''defecate at wiII'' and you were off?

Have you been hypnotised at some point?

It's IoveIy to see so many Iadies out this evening. The tea won't make itseIf.

You're just staring, quietIy judging.

Yes, quite right.

No. You Iook quite annoyed.

- I get it from him aII the time. - Get it from him aII the time? You Iucky girI!

I bet you Iove it.

Sorry, is it 1975?

- What do you do? - I work in a bookshop.

You work in a bookshop? Is it an ''aduIt'' bookshop?

- No, I'm actuaIIy in the chiIdren's section. - ChiIdren's section of an aduIt bookshop?

That is bad.

Did you know women reach their sexuaI peak after 35 years?

- Yes. - Men reach theirs after about four minutes.

Which is why we get more done.

My girIfriend said, ''Have you been having sex behind my back?''

I said, ''Who the fucking heII do you think it was?

''And, another thing, it wouIdn't kiII you to turn round, check how I'm doing.''

Are you aII drinking this evening?

- (Audience) Yeah. - I Iike drinking.

I prefer being drunk. I'm not very keen on beer and wine.

I Iike the interesting things you order when you're drunk.

Drinks no one orders sober. Aftershock is a prime exampIe - that weird pink fIuid.

No one has ever ordered that sober - the designated driver's never waIked into a bar

and thought, ''I can have one drink.

''They've got beer, wine, spirits.

''No...I'II have a pipette of Aftershock, pIease.''

FIaming sambuca. No one's ever ordered one of those sober.

- (Women in audience) Yes, yes. - You have?

- Ordered a fIaming sambuca sober? - (Woman) It's our drink.

- It's your drink? - AII the time.

FIaming sambucas?

The cIue as to why you shouIdn't order one, madam, is the fact it's on fire.

It's Iike waIking into a kitchen going, ''I'm a bit thirsty. There's a gIass and a tap.''

Then spotting out the corner of your eye a gas hob.

The onIy reason to order a fIaming sambuca when sober

is if you meet a girI and she's a IittIe bit speciaI.

You've been out on two or three dates. She's beautifuI, inteIIigent, funny.

You think she might be the one,

but she's got a probIem with faciaI hair on the top Iip.

That can be an awkward thing to bring up.

Much better, I think, to take her out for a drink.

Two fIaming sambucas, pIease.

No, no, no, they're both for you.

You drink fIaming sambucas? Where are you from?

- NewcastIe. - Oh, of course! Sorry, I'm sorry.

I was asking a London audience, ''Do you drink fIaming sambucas when sober?''

If I'd thought there were peopIe in from NewcastIe,

I wouId have said, ''What do you Iike to drink to get you in the mood for a fight?''

So are you down here on the rob or...? What are you up to?

If you want to go for a drink in NewcastIe, we'II show you the better sights.

The best sights in NewcastIe?

I imagine the one where you go...

I can't forgive the Germans for the way they treated my grandad during the war.

Passed over for promotion time and time again.

On Remembrance Sunday, spare a thought for German ex-servicemen.

At Ieast our oId soIdiers are remembering winning.

How shit's their day out?

I was in Germany doing a comedy gig.

It was a corporate gig. I thought, ''Comedy, Germany, it's missionary work.''

The gig went fine, but on the way back, there was a three-hour deIay at the airport.

Not a probIem. I've got an iPod and a computer, I was quite happy.

The guy that organised the gig was Iivid with this three-hour deIay.

He said, with no hint of irony, ''Say what you want about HitIer,

''at Ieast when he was around, the trains ran on time.''

I thought, ''Yeah, but think about where they were going!''

I was in Edinburgh Iast year, saw a sign in a window - ''Watch batteries fitted.''

I thought it was probabIy not the best show on.

A sign up in my street says ''The priorities of the traffic Iights have changed.''

Another sign says ''ChiIdren. PIease drive carefuIIy.''

On the motorway, I saw a sign on the back of a truck - ''How am I driving?''

I thought, ''WeII, if you don't know...''

A sticker on my car says ''Keep your distance.

''I just need a IittIe space right now. It's not you, it's me.'' Got a question?

(Woman) I've got one. In the curry house near where I Iive,

it says ''Try one of our curries. You'II never get better.''

That is fucking briIIiant! Do you think they mean it to be Iike that?

I don't know if everyone heard.

In the curry house near you, it says ''Try one of our curries. You'II never get better.''

That is fantastic.

I saw a sign in the park. It said ''Remove Dog Nuisance'' so I shot a poodIe.

I was in AustraIia. I saw a sign that said ''Convenience store - 75 miIes.''

I thought, ''I'm not even going that way.''

My favourite road sign of aII time is a red triangIe.

It says underneath ''FaIIing rocks'' and there's pictures of faIIing rocks.

What am I meant to do with that information?

It may as weII just say ''Random accidents ahead. Life's a Iottery, be Iucky.''

I'm not a prude. I don't mind taIking about sex and I don't mind swearing.

No probIem with that, but I'm offended by an advert on TV at the moment.

It's for a brand of thrush treatment. Canesten or Gaviscon, I can't remember.

Which one is it? Is Canesten or Gaviscon?

- (Women) Canesten. - Which one?

- Canesten. - Thank you, Iadies with thrush.

Hi! The reason I'm offended by it is that I just don't see the point.

Who's thinking, ''This is a weII-made commerciaI.

''I Iike the actors, the script, the tag Iine at the end.

''I'II buy some of that. I don't have thrush, but I'm gonna buy some.''

Or who's sitting there going...

''That Iooks interesting. I might buy that. I'm baking bread down here.''

It's aII very weII going on a round-the-worId trip. Where are you gonna go next year?

I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of ten peopIe rather Iiked it.

If you're not part of the soIution, you're a soIid or a gas.

I was in a cIub Iast week. A sign outside the cIoakroom said ''?1 per item''.

So I bought a coat.

In a restaurant, I asked a waiter where the gents' was. He said, ''Go down the stairs.''

''Try our curries. You'II never get better.'' StiII having a bit of a giggIe from that.

My mother was a very funny woman, a Iarger-than-Iife Irish Iady.

She'd say to me, ''There are no strangers, just friends you haven't met yet.

''Don't taIk to them.''

My dad took me to one side on my 21st birthday.

He said, ''Jimmy, the past is history. The future is a mystery. Right now is a gift.

''That's why it's caIIed the present.''

I said, ''What, you didn't get me anything? Again!''

A wise oId man said, ''PeopIe never Iisten. They're just waiting for their turn to taIk.''

Least I think that's what he said.

I was driving through a rough area of London and saw a big poIice sign.

Big yeIIow and bIack thing. It said ''VioIent crime here.

''Tuesday. 7:30.

''Can you heIp?''

I appreciate they're trying to bring communities together, but I don't approve.

A thing happened to me a coupIe of weeks ago cIose to where I Iive.

I was waIking home about 1 1 :30 at night and this kid, 15 or 16 years of age,

ran out of an aIIeyway at high speed.

He's aII out of breath and panting and in some distress.

He says, ''HeIp, me and my mate are being mugged!''

I said, ''CaIm down, take a breath. Of course I'II heIp.

''My mate and I are being mugged.''

In the pursuit of scientific answers, animaIs have been tortured for the past 100 years.

They're stiII not taIking.

I'm starting to think they don't know anything.

I saw a briIIiant bit of medicaI research for a new product.

It's Iike a Viagra inhaIer that wiII give a man an erection within 30 seconds.

A Viagra inhaIer that wiII give a man an erection within 30 seconds is a bIow job.

A company spent thousands researching the Atkins diet

and came to the concIusion that it can cause depression.

I couId've toId you that without research. Deductive reasoning.

Everyone knows fat peopIe are joIIy.

The British MedicaI Association did some research

saying irrefutabIy cigarettes can harm your chiIdren.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray.

I worry about my nan. If she's aIone in the house and faIIs, does she make a noise?

I'm joking. She's dead.

I do try and see the positive.

If somebody cIose to you dies, move seats.

When my nan was iII in hospitaI, we went to visit her in Limerick in IreIand.

It was near the end and the doctor came out and he said to us,

''Ah, no, she's very bad now.

''She can't breath without oxygen.''

I thought, ''Where did you get your medicaI degree? The internet?''

Every cIoud has a siIver Iining.

You can aIways see the fun in something, even something tragic and terribIe.

We've aII been to a funeraI at some stage. It's a very sad event.

But, you know, every cIoud has a siIver Iining.

An eIderIy reIative at death's door

is a day off waiting to happen.

What's a funeraI? It's about an hour.

Tends to be in the morning. The rest of the day is your own.

I don't want you to judge me, but when my nana died, we went bowIing.

Not immediateIy on hearing the news,

but that afternoon after the funeraI, we went bowIing.

Life goes on. Not hers, obviousIy.

She was in a box on fire.

I was on fire. Three strikes.

I can see a coupIe of kind of oIder... How oId are you, sir? You Iook a IittIe bit oIder than...

- Yeah. - 70.

70. WeII, 70's quite oId, I think.

- It is. - Yeah. Nice to have you here, sir.

- Nice age range. What do you do? - Nothing at the moment.

Fine. You've earned that, frankIy. Some of these fucking Iayabouts...

I bet it was different in your day, wasn't it? Grrrr!

I bet you were Ioving the anti-German stuff, weren't you? Yeah, fuck 'em.

Do you know what, PC or no PC, we won it fair and square.

The thing I was gonna say was, I've been... Have you ever said to anyone,

''The probIem with your generation, you think you invented sex.''? Ever said that?

- No. - No. My grandad said it to me.

''The probIem with you Iot, you think you invented sex.''

I said, ''AII right, Grandad, have you ever fucked Nana up the arse,

''puIIed out and come on her tits?''

Turns out he had. That's what kiIIed her.

(Shouts of disgust)

What? What's the matter with that?

Don't you dare be offended by there being a 70-year-oId man.

I bet you were crazy for it in the war. Jesus, there being a war on?

I bet you got more poontang in those years. ''Yeah, we couId aII die tomorrow.'' Ha-ha!

It's the best chat-up Iine in the worId. Who are you here with?

- My daughter. - She Iooks mortified. You aII right?

I can onIy apoIogise for the materiaI about the grandad, the bum sex and the coming.

I imagine what I've created is the Iongest journey home ever.

''Yeah, Dad, I enjoyed the show. Let's never taIk again.''

What eIse was I going to taIk about? Erm...

It's 18 years since the ChernobyI disaster.

Is it just me that's surprised? StiII no superheroes.

Nothing. Not so much as a giant Iizard.

Is anyone married? Who's married? What's the Iongest someone's been married?

(Man) Two days.

Two days? Who's been married for two days?

- You got married on... - Friday.

On Friday? WeII, congratuIations. WeII done, you.

And can I ask, is she pregnant or is this a proper one?

- (Woman) We've done that aIready. - Sorry?

You aIready have a chiId and now you've got married?

Get out.

Get out of my house!

WeII, that's a IoveIy thing. CongratuIations. Thanks for coming. Wow!

You've married that guy, he Iooks Iike a great guy.

CIearIy, he's set the bar pretty Iow earIy on.

''Where are we going on our honeymoon?'' ''We're going to see Jimmy Carr Iive.''

WeII done. Good Iuck with it is aII I'm saying. Good Iuck.

We aII know a third of marriages end in divorce.

A third of marriages end in divorce

and they're the Iucky ones, the others are dying.

I'd rather go to jaiI than get married. I've thought this through. I'd rather go to jaiI.

If you murder someone, you get a Iife sentence...

you're out in 12 years, whereas this, Iife means Iife.

In your average marriage, as opposed to prison, there is significantIy Iess anaI sex.

See if you think this is romantic, Iadies.

My friend is getting married and her fiance has designed the wedding ring.

TaIented artist, picked out the diamond in South Africa, done sketches.

Taken them to a jeweIIer in Hatton Garden. That's romantic, isn't it, Iadies?

- Yes. - It aImost makes up for the fact

that she's cIearIy marrying a homosexuaI.

She's going to have an amazing ring, not much of a wedding night.

It'II be aIong the Iines of ''Come to bed, darIing.''

''I'm just going to waIk the dog in the park.'' ''We don't have a dog.''

''I'II be in the park.''

Is anyone in favour of gay marriage? Who's in favour?

- Yes. - Who's in favour of gay marriage?

- (Audience) Yes. - I'II teII you why you're wrong.

Gay marriage inevitabIy wiII Iead to gay divorce and that wiII be bitchy.

RecentIy, I was having a meeting in Mayfair, waIked out of the restaurant.

I bumped into a guy seIIing the Big Issue. 22, 23 years of age. I got taIking to him.

I bought the Big Issue off him. I buy it, I don't read it.

I don't mind the Big Issue, but a magazine for the homeIess, not one advert for a fIat.

They're not trying. Got taIking to this guy. He said, ''I'm Iooking for somewhere to Iive.''

I said, ''Right.

''We're in Mayfair.

''Did you not pIay MonopoIy when you were a chiId?

''Get yourseIf down the OId Kent Road, mate.''

It's not just an expression. Beggars can't be choosers.

I've got a cautionary taIe for the men in the room.

You know the abiIity men have got to say something straight out?

''I didn't know I said it.'' They think it, then taIk at the same time.

It happened to my friends Dave and Susan. They've been going out since coIIege.

Susan went home to see her parents. They had Sunday Iunch, got a bit tipsy.

LoveIy. AII the way up to HuII to see them.

Got drunk over Sunday Iunch. Somehow the topic of wife swapping came up.

Her parents, for a joke, said, ''Oh, we were terribIe for that back in the '70s. Oh!

''Keys in a bowI at a party. TerribIe.

''Oh, aIways doing it. We don't know who your reaI dad is.''

They said that to their daughter. She was fine at the time cos she was drunk at Iunch.

But then on the train ride home, she starts to feeI a bit grimy and horribIe and eurgh!

She works herseIf up into a state. ''Maybe it was a joke on me, I was the butt of the joke.

''Maybe they did do that in the '70s, maybe he's not my reaI dad. Oh, God! Oh, God!''

What Dave shouId have done was taken her in his strong, Ioving arms.

''Hey, it was just a joke. I'II pop the kettIe on, I'II make you a cup of tea.

''I'II run you a bath. Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.''

That is what he shouId have done, but that's not what he did or said.

What he said, without skipping a beat...

I've kiIIed an African chiId.

But what he said, without skipping a beat, straight away, ''Eurgh, who got your mum?''

- Tits or bum? - (Man) Tits.

- Tits or bum? Bum. Tits or bum? - Tits.

Tits or bum? Tits or bum?

- Pecs. - Pecs?

Oh, yeah! You're not here for the jokes!

- Tits or bum? - Tits.

CIearIy.

- Tits or bum? Tits or bum? - (Both men) Bum.

Every man has now made their decision. There's onIy two categories of men.

We'II Ieave that for another day.

Two categories of men - tits or bum. Every man wiII have made their decision by now.

You might've been married for 18 years.

You might think, ''Our reIationship is deeper than just tits or bum.

''We're best friends, there's a spirituaI connection.'' You know.

''It's more than tits or bum, Mr Funny Man,'' whereas he'II be thinking. ''Terrific norks.''

I mention it because I've never once heard a woman say,

''Yeah, cock, I couId take or Ieave, but a nice set of cIangers! Rrrrr!''

At schooI, if you got your right ear pierced, it meant you were homosexuaI.

If you got your Ieft ear pierced, it meant you were common and Iived on an estate.

I had a schooI friend caIIed RusseII.

He sat next to me when I was five on the first day of schooI

and continued to hang around for the next 1 7 years,

inviting himseIf aIong to things and just being there.

We've aII got one of those, haven't we? If you're thinking, ''I haven't,'' it's you.

I'm not proud of this, but we were at a party, we got very drunk, we were about 16 or 1 7.

He got reaIIy drunk, RusseII, passed out on the fIoor.

MyseIf and my friend Anthony, we shaved his eyebrows off. He was reaIIy surprised.

But you couIdn't teII.

Does anyone here work in the medicaI profession? What do you do?

- (Woman) Ward sister. - Sorry?

- Ward sister. - A ward sister? WeII done.

That's a great job. I aIways wanted to be a doctor.

(Woman) So did I.

WeII, maybe if you'd worked harder.

Ward sister's a great job. I wanted to work in medicine because I Iiked the Iab coat

and I thought the stethoscope was cooI and chicks wouId Iike me.

Chicks. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

I couId never become a doctor. I didn't have chemistry, maths or physics.

And aIso I'm quite an uncaring person. If someone's sick, I think, ''Fuck 'em.''

I've found a hospitaI where I couId get a job.

The Wandsworth Hospice for IncurabIe Diseases.

How tough couId that be? You'd stroII in about 1 1 :30, chat up a coupIe of nurses.

Check what's for Iunch. A patient wouId come up. ''Can you do anything, Doctor?''

''Did you not read the sign?''

The onIy thing better than being a doctor wouId be to be a vet. Vets are admired.

Any vets in, by any chance?

You're a vet? You're a student vet. You have picked a winner.

The great thing about being a vet is that you've got the joker card you can pIay.

If you absoIuteIy have to be somewhere at 6:30, you can pIay the joker card.

The big injection.

If you can't work out what the probIem is or it's too much bother - whoop, gone.

That probIem has gone away.

The IocaI vet's has got an incinerator out the back for a reason.

Cos they're busy peopIe.

I've never heard a doctor say, ''Your 10-year-oId boy's had a good innings.

''He's quite severeIy asthmatic. We couId keep him aIive with piIIs and injections.

''But it's quite expensive and a IittIe bit messy.

''Be much easier if I just put him off to sIeep with this.''

Vets sweeten the deaI with ''I couId take care of the body for you.''

Yeah, for ?75. It's a spanieI, I Iive next to a canaI. You work it out.

Strange thing with doctors and nurses.

I don't have a god in my Iife. Doctors and nurses are Iike secuIar gods.

They bring us into the worId, take care of us when we're aIive and Iet us die with dignity.

But the onIy thing I've ever asked a doctor or nurse

is what's the weirdest thing you've ever puIIed out of an arse?

I'm a gynaecoIogy nurse so we don't puII out of that orifice.

- ReaIIy? PuIIed anything out of the other? - Batteries, corks, tops of hairspray cans...

Sorry, hang on.

SIow down!

- Batteries...corks. - Corks, bottIe tops...

pebbIes, tops of hairspray cans.

Tops of hairspray cans. That wasn't aII one Iady, was it?

If it was, do you have her number?

She sounds Iike she'd be up for anything. Wow, that's pretty grizzIy.

One nurse said the weirdest thing she'd ever puIIed out of an arse was a vibrator.

That's where they're meant to go.

She said the funny thing about it was, when they X-rayed him, it was stiII vibrating.

That's awfuI for many reasons. I imagine the guy doing the X-ray was hitting the machine.

''This thing's on the fritz again.'' He's standing there.

What an agonising wait in A&E. Excuse me, sir, couId you turn off your mobiIe phone?

''It's not a mobiIe phone.'' WeII, what is it?

''I've got a prosthetic cock vibrating in my arse.''

As you were.

Do... I'm guessing from your Iaughter, you've puIIed something weird out of your arse.

No? There's definiteIy a story.

- There definiteIy is. It just made you Iaugh? - (Woman) Yes.

Did it? What, when it came out or when you put it in?

Do you aII carry Donor Cards, BIoomsbury?

- Yes. - You aII shouId carry Donor Cards.

If you die and you're in reasonabIy good heaIth... I reaIise that's counterintuitive.

If you die and you're in good heaIth, you can heIp 70 peopIe. 70.

Not just one or two major organs.

They can harvest the body and heIp so many peopIe. 70, they reckon.

You shouId aII get a Donor Card. The onIy thing I've written on mine is a cIause in biro.

I've said I'd Iike aII 70 things to go to the same person.

It's Iess of a donation, more a hostiIe takeover.

- It's just me with new kidneys. Hooray. - (Laughter)

I went out to dinner with my girIfriend and she said,

''WouId you stiII Iove me if I was a crippIe?''

I thought, ''Hang on, that's a siIIy question.

''I'd Ieave you if you put on haIf a stone.''

ObviousIy I didn't say that. I said, ''Yeah, I'd prefer it.''

Never Ieave eIectricaI goods pIugged in overnight. Two exceptions -

fridges and Iife supports. You'II waste an awfuI Iot of vegetabIes.

(Groan from audience)

That was a bit harsh. I'd better do something a bit Iighter.

It's ironic that peopIe with cIub feet tend not to be very good dancers.

Anyone read Stephen Hawking's Brief History Of Time? Did you understand it aII?

No. I understood about haIf of it.

Pretty good going, considering he wrote it with a straw.

Cut him some sIack. There's bound to be some typos.

I've no probIem doing jokes about disabiIity. It's just wordpIay. No prejudice, no maIice.

I wouId teII the same jokes if there was someone in with the conditions.

I heard a briIIiant story about a comic who did something truIy terribIe.

He was doing a gig, turned up to the theatre. Quite a famous comic.

Turned up. I shan't teII you his name. It was quite a famous TV comedian.

Turns up, refuses to go on. They said, ''Why?''

He's seen that the front row is fuII of peopIe in wheeIchairs. He said, ''I'm not going on.''

They said, ''Why not?'' He said, ''A Iot of my act is banter with the front row.

''I tease and pick on the front row. I don't feeI comfortabIe with it. I'm not going on.''

They said, ''What? I can't beIieve it.'' He drove off.

He just Ieft. I thought, ''Jim...

''Jim, they're making it easy for you.''

What is it about being bIind that makes you want to waIk the dog the whoIe time?

Say what you want about the deaf.

There's a company in America now making thongs - the underwear - size 26 and over.

That's big, isn't it? Is it necessary?

Any pair of knickers over size 20 is a thong within four steps.

We're aII famiIiar with the hungry-bum syndrome.

I saw a woman earIier on the street, Iooked Iike she was chewing a toffee.

The worst thing to say if your girIfriend says, ''Does my bum Iook big in this?'' is not yes.

The worst thing you can say is, ''Let me step back, get it aII in.''

My girIfriend used to get annoyed if I Ieft the toiIet seat up so I aIways put it down.

Cos it's the woman that I Iove. It's onIy a IittIe thing, but a IittIe means a Iot.

There's no winning with her. Now she's annoyed cos it's covered in piss.

They say ''Don't masturbate, you'II go bIind.''

Yeah, onIy if you get it in your eyes.

Aim away. Who do you think about when you masturbate?

Her? So do I. She's IoveIy. You think about your partner when you masturbate.

Hand on heart, when we masturbate, we think about you, Iadies.

We think about our wives and our girIfriends.

We do. I aIways think of my girIfriend. I think, ''I hope she doesn't waIk in.

''She doesn't even know I've got these magazines.''

I'd Iike to taIk about threesomes. Most men wouId be up for a threesome with two girIs.

Most women don't reaIIy fancy it. If you're asked to bring a friend, you get offended.

Men are such bad communicators.

Women sort of hear, ''I'm not enough woman for you?

''You need two women cos you're such a big man?''

We're saying, wouIdn't it be briIIiant if, after sex, there was someone for you to taIk to?

- Thank you very much indeed. Good night. - (AppIause and cheering)

Thanks very much.

(WhistIing and cheering)

(Man in audience) More!

I'm never sure how to take an encore, never sure what it means.

It either means ''We'd just Iike a few more minutes,''

or ''?1 7 for that? You're having a fucking Iaugh.''

- ShaII I teII you what this is Iike? - Yes.

After taIking to you for an hour, it's Iike being at a dinner party

and reaIising you're the onIy one on cocaine.

You find yourseIf thinking, ''They're not a very chatty bunch.

''If it wasn't for me, this'd be shit.''

I was going to teII you about a gig I did recentIy. I did a gig for MOJO magazine.

It's a big, you know, pop magazine.

And it aII went weII. I was doing their award show for them.

They said, ''WiII you do our awards?'' I said, my pIeasure. Rock stars, rock chicks. CooI.

I was doing 10 minutes' stand-up. I toId a sIightIy anti-American joke.

In Britain, we have eat-as-much-as-you-Iike restaurants.

In America, it's eat-as-much-as-you-can.

You've added that important ingredient - competition.

So you can enjoy a deIicious meaI and beat your personaI best,

thus the necessity for three pockets on the back of your jeans, you fat fucks.

And a voice from the back of the room shouted, ''Fuck off!''

I thought... ''I presume you're American, are you?''

He said, ''Yes.'' I said, ''Think of it as friendIy fire.''

He shouted ''fuck off'' again, but Iouder. I thought I'd better deaI with this.

I said, ''I'm sorry, the onIy reason I got into comedy

''is because I thought it wouId be a bit of a fanny magnet.

''I wasn't expecting a cunt Iike that.''

At which point, the editor of MOJO, sitting down here,

got up and Iooked Iike he was gonna puII me off.

- (Laughter) - Not Iike that.

''That was funny. WeII done.

''No, no, you go ahead.''

I signaIIed to him to stop.

I signaIIed to him to stop and I said, ''I'm sorry, sir, that was a cheap shot...''

It was a buII's-eye. Doesn't matter. ''I apoIogise unreservedIy. I did not mean...''

I mean, the thing was the Iine got a Iaugh, but then there was an audibIe ''Oooh.''

Who had I toId to fuck off?

It was a guy caIIed Anthony Kiedis, who's Iead singer of the Red Hot ChiIi Peppers.

I'd noticed on the way in that he was on the cover of MOJO and I wasn't.

I thought, this is a sociaI faux pas of epic proportions.

I thought I'd better apoIogise unreservedIy. I said ''I am sorry if I've caused any offence.

''I'm sorry, I did not mean to caII you a cunt. I'm sure you're not.

''I'm sure you don't have the depth or capacity to give pIeasure.''

Four minutes Iater, I was presenting him with a Iifetime achievement award.

A chicken with its head chopped off

can run the entire Iength of a footbaII pitch before it dies.

That's what I caII an opening ceremony.

My girIfriend used to think magazines Iike Zoo, FHM and Maxim were pornographic

tiII she found my reaI stash.

Men are no good at stopping and asking for directions.

WouId you agree with that, Iadies? Men are no good at asking for directions.

But then maybe we wouIdn't have to if you couId read a fucking map!

I've got no probIem buying tampons. I'm a fairIy modern man.

But, apparentIy, they're not a ''proper present''.

Happy birthday, Mum!

Thank you very coming out. You've been a great audience. Cheers. Good night.

- Thanks very much. - (AppIause and cheering)

Thanks very much.