Original subtitles

- That slaps. - What's that?

When something's really good.

I quite like that. That slaps. That slaps, man.

God, that girl's peng. Peng's gone. What?

It's "leng". If you're fit now, it's like,

Alan, you're leng.

Am I ever going to find love on this island?

I just don't think there's any gays. Maybe underground gays.

Or dead.

THEY LAUGH

Right, I'll get a shovel. Let's go on a date.

Let's go on a dig.

In the beautiful island of Corfu,

Amanda and I are spending the summer renovating a family holiday home.

We've completed nearly all of the rooms,

and now we're taking on a space each.

I'm doing up the bathroom.

And I'm tackling the old landing.

I was thinking, you know,

to dip into the Greek culture, the cradle of learning.

And I was thinking having a reading room.

A bit of a day bed. Yes. Yeah. And I just think books.

And then maybe one of those busts of,

like, a Greek god. You know, Hercules or something.

What about Hercules lifting up the bunk bed, like...?

No. Can you imagine how amazing that would be, to come in

and then Hercules is like that?

I want it to be full of books. I want a day bed.

I want a ladder like you get in posh libraries.

And I want it to be, like, full of philosophy and,

you know, mythology and stuff like that.

Real Greek centre of learning.

And what are we going to do about this bathroom?

Well, this is where I feel like we can go...

..really Greek. Yeah.

And I was thinking of a round bath,

but I wondered about sort of mosaic tiling along the halfway

so it looks very Greek. Yeah.

A chandelier.

Doesn't it just look a bit ostentatious?

Amanda always has these grand plans,

and they get bigger and bigger and more fabulous.

The potential for that to look awful is really high.

Before we can start the interiors,

we've got to knock down the internal wall,

dividing the spaces so a new solid one can be built.

But Amanda's more concerned about fitting in her circular bath.

Is this, um...? Is this floor coming up?

We have to. Yes. Good.

I need it to because I'm having a round bath.

So we need to... We need a strong floor. Because it's heavy.

It's going to be heavy. It's going to be heavy.

Why can't...? Just have a normal bath.

I want something different. Round is stupid. Bathrooms are my speciality.

Round? It's quite plain.

Where you found that picture? What is it?

On my... It's on my mood board.

Well, it's just the photo. It's AI.

HE CHUCKLES

Look, Alan, please tell me, can you...?

I'm with Stamatis. This is AI. That is not AI. Thank you.

I think the unicorn in the bath is a bit of a giveaway.

LAUGHTER

Can't wait to see it. I'm glad it's not mine.

It will happen.

STAMATIS LAUGHS

I have a vivid imagination and I have quite outlandish ideas,

but I can see it all.

It's going to work, and it HAS to work.

I'm just going to say this.

I think there's more chance of a bus turning up

at this bus stop than you getting a round blue bath in Corfu.

SHE LAUGHS

There, I've said it.

In order to make my reading room a centre of learning,

I've got to get to grips with Greek mythology.

So I'm whisking Amanda away

to Corfu's Achilleion Palace for a research trip.

God, it's stunning. Isn't it just? Look.

Greek mythology has been around for over 3,000 years.

These stories were an essential part of the ancient Greeks' religion

and are still reflected in the culture today.

Now we need to learn... Let's feed our brains.

..something, don't we? Inspired by the Greek gods,

the palace was originally built in 1890 by Empress Sisi of Austria.

How are you? Hello, I'm Alan. I'm Amanda.

My name is Nafsika. Nafsika. So, shall we?

Yes, yes.

Wow, look at these statues. They're really impressive.

Yeah.

Sisi tragically lost her son

and built the palace of her dream, as her refuge

as well as a tribute to Greek mythology.

OK, so as we go to the famous statue of Achilles...

It's very homoerotic. He's got a lovely bottom.

It's too perfect. OK, so you know

the story about how he became immortal?

Almost. Didn't his mother hold him by the ankle and dip him into Styx?

Is it the river? The river. Yes.

And because she was holding Achilles' heel,

the whole body became immortal except of the heel.

That is why that was his weak point.

And when Paris, the kidnapper of Helen,

knew about the secret, the weak point of Achilles,

so he aimed at his heel.

And with a poisoned arrow, he killed him.

Oh!

So you know who this lady is? Is it Venus?

Yes. She looks like Venus,

but she's very famous. Phryne her name.

Phryne is such a pretty name. Yeah,

Phryne - she was an escort.

Oh! No way. The escorts,

they were known as hetairas in ancient Greek.

They were well educated.

They had the ability to talk about politics,

philosophy, economy, arts.

So they accompanied the very famous and politicians.

Men. Phryne, she was so beautiful and so clever.

She charged huge amounts to men that she didn't like. Good girl.

Or she would go for free with men that she liked.

That's fair. Why do you think they made up these stories?

It's much more interesting, if you think about,

to add some spiciness in your life. Yes.

All these stories. And in the past, people didn't travel at all.

No, no. They stayed forever in one place.

So they needed some, like, imagination and,

you know, people that they shared stories.

So... They need to be entertained. That's true.

I loved every second of that. I just want all those

stories to go into my head so I can remember them,

so I can tell my kids. Listen, just go into my reading room!

All the information is going to be there.

I'm going to have little nods to this place in there.

There's going to be a statue, a bust,

there's going to be books about myths.

Is there going to be a statue?

I might stick one of these in my bum bag and walk out.

Oh, look at this.

The ancient Greeks believed that they had to pray to the gods

for help and protection, because if

the gods were unhappy with someone, then they would punish them.

The ancient city was built between the two high hills

and was known as Korypho

and later became Corfu, which means "the city of the hills".

Ah. OK. Interesting.

Let's hope the gods are smiling down on some of your design choices.

Who's the god of bathrooms?

Domestos.

Or is that god of toilets?

Oh! That's good. That's so good. HE SIGHS

Well, Domestos has worked her magic

as despite the doubters, Stamatis has come up trumps.

He's got one of his best builders,

Adonis, to make my AI circular bath a reality.

And today, it's arriving on site.

This is a work of art.

You've made a dream come true for this woman,

because everybody said, "It's AI."

Did I say that? "It's not real. It's not real."

This...is real.

Adonis has lived up to his name.

OK, so... We just have to... Can we pass through the door?

..wheel this into there!

That's it. You make that look easy.

Yeah. I mean, look at this.

Is it going to overtake the entire bathroom now?

Now I'm going to see how big this is.

Very big. Oh, yes. Look at this. Oh, my God.

I'm going to get in the bath with a massive

glass of wine and look at next door's bougainvillaea.

And they can see you as well. "Hello!"

Give the people what they want.

THEY LAUGH

Luckily, my second showstopper for the bathroom has arrived today, too.

I have got one piece of my chandelier.

Now we need to make everything match with that thing.

Everything that sort of blue. Like, climb in.

How big is that thing? 55cm.

I need it to be so that you don't bash your head on it.

But it needs to be quite low.

Yeah. Like that. Maybe a bit higher from the window.

Yes. Yeah.

OK. Interesting.

Whilst Amanda lives in a world of artificial intelligence,

I'm embracing tradition.

I've come to Corfu Town to hunt out some authentic

Greek crafts to display in my reading room.

There's everything in here! There's pots, there's handbags.

And I've heard local artist Olga is the woman in the know.

This is speaking my language.

I've got a reading room, doing up a reading room.

I just want objet d'art. I want interesting things.

Curiosities to put on the shelves that people go, "Oh, I love that."

Well, then, here is your place.

We have beautiful jewellery and pottery that I personally enjoy.

That's my best thing in the whole world.

This is perfect. This is perfect.

Corfu actually has a very long tradition for pottery.

Wow. So here we have all

Corfu's tradition in one art object. So it's ceramic.

Oh, I love it. It's the jewellery.

Because Corfu has a great tradition in jewellery making.

Hello. Look at this.

It's the traditional costume and the Easter costume.

As part of an ancient Greek tradition, at Easter,

these large clay pots, called botides,

are filled with water, decorated with ribbons

and thrown from balconies.

So would you like to try and draw something like that with me?

I'd love to. I would love... It'd be an honour.

Olga, it would be an honour.

Let's give it a try. OK. Olga's great.

I love her energy. I love her spirit.

She's everything I want sort of the reading room to be.

I want it to be fun, knowledgeable.

Oh!

Just create a spark in you, you know? Inspire you.

And then just go...

..brrrp!

Brrrp! Yes. Yes!

Very good. Great.

Ah. When I don't do the noise, it's rubbish.

No... Just try it.

Brrrp! Brrrp!

Back at the build, my tiles have arrived,

which I'm hoping match my electric-blue chandelier.

There's a lot of purple in there.

I don't think this is the right colour.

I don't like it. Uh-uh.

Nobody wants, like, an iridescent, pearly, purplish bathroom.

SHE SIGHS

It's a disaster, darling.

It's so shiny and nasty. It's like a mermaid's tail.

Here, do you know any gays? Listen, can I...?

Can I be honest with you? I do.

I'm single and I'm trying to find love in Corfu.

Well, have someone who's great at giving massages.

Are you interesting? We can set up a blind date.

This has gone from zero to 60 in five seconds.

One minute you were thinking,

next thing you know I'm going on a date with a masseuse.

How long are you staying here for?

If it's for love, I'm that desperate,

I'll change my visa.

Listen, for my first attempt, that's OK.

No, to be fair...

..art is never perfect. Yeah. I'm going to go.

You get on the phone and keep me posted, please.

We'll be in touch. Yes. OK.

Please get in touch, yes. Thank you. Bye-bye, Alan.

Bye-bye! Bye.

I popped in for a pot and I come out with a Greek lover.

Boom. Wonderful.

With my bathroom ambitions in the balance,

Alan is taking me for a soak in the sea.

Right, Alan, don't come near me for two minutes

cos I'm going to have a wee. That's disgusting.

Oh, my God. Have you finished your wee?

I've finished my wee.

At least it's warm in that patch over there.

Everyone looks good in this kind of light, don't they?

Yeah.

You're not...! SHE LAUGHS

What are you saying? You've got a crushed ear

and a thin top lip and steamed-up glasses.

I can't, honestly... You don't even look like you. I don't look like me?

It doesn't look like YOU!

HE SPITS

It's a new day.

I'm going to hone my woodworking skills

as I create my bespoke book shelves.

This room is going to be like walking into Stephen Fry's brain.

Culture. Poetry. Thinking. No telly.

Books. Philosophy.

You know like when you go to the British Museum

or V&A or something like that, you know, you go in there, you go...

Your sort of, like, mouth falls open because you see

all these amazing books and objet d'art and antiques

and artefacts and you feel like,

"Wow, my brain is getting nourished here."

That's what I want. So... To bring my vision to life,

first we need to work out the dimensions...

Do you know what? Cos that's high up,

that can be the adult section.

Erotica. Top shelf. Top shelf.

..and cut MDF boards to size.

We're also making an outer frame to screw the boards into place.

ALAN SPLUTTERS

Hold. Hold it. I am holding it.

Hold. I'm holding it!

Let go.

Beautiful.

Happy? Is that looking all right so far?

I'm loving it. It's great.

Whilst Alan's keen to display his Greek objet d'art,

I'm on the hunt in Corfu Town

for some authentic Greek items of my own.

The Greeks have used sea sponges for personal hygiene for centuries.

So I've come to The Land of Corfu, shop - that specialises

in sustainably sourced ones - for my family bathroom.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that's a bit scary.

Excuse me. Hi. Hello.

Hello. Hello. This is a...

This is an amazing shop.

Thank you very much. I had no idea so many massive sponges existed.

We collect from very deep depths. About 80m.

Wow.

It needs some very, very good divers. Experts. Yes.

What an amazing job. "What do you do?"

"I dive for sponges."

So tell me, what's the most expensive sponge in this shop?

The most expensive soap is like that.

Is 400 euro.

Because this size is very difficult to grow.

Do people actually buy them and then, like, use them?

No. This one is for collectors.

Yeah. It's something very, very special and elegant.

Alan may have his reading room,

but my secret weapon...is a sponge.

That looks like a lovely cauliflower.

Sponge here, Adriatica.

And kapadiko from east Mediterranean.

Perfect. It might be nice if I can find some coral.

Maybe a couple of shells. I think we'll get these.

This is amazing. It's amazing colour.

Yeah. Perfect.

My bathroom's going to look epic.

I've been using my time on

the island to dip my toe back into the dating world.

I've not had much luck so far, but tonight,

my friend Olga has organised a blind date with her friend Andrew...

..the masseuse.

My dating history on Corfu has been a little bit mixed.

The first date was a bit of a disaster.

Amanda's put me on the app and no-one's really bitten.

So I'm here to try again.

Are you Andrew? Hello, I'm Alan. How are you?

Mwah, mwah.

Nice to see you. Do you like a gin and tonic?

Yes, please. Make it a double, the day I've had.

You're having gin as well? Yep. Yeah.

Double gin. Two double gin and tonics? Yeah. Lovely.

Now, what's...? Tequilas there. Oh, you like shots?

That's dangerous. Very.

Because to me, when I have tequila, my clothes come off.

Really? Just so you know. Yeah. Let's do it. Let's drink tequila.

Stop it!

Come on. You don't even know my name

and you're getting fruity already. You've just got

to put yourself out there, haven't you? You know what I mean?

If you want to catch a fish, you've got to get your rod out.

Whilst Alan is wooing his potential new man,

I'm battling with my 300-piece, electric-blue chandelier.

I've been two hours putting this blinking thing together.

I have no idea, really, what the pattern is,

because someone threw the box away and I can't find a picture of it.

FLY BUZZES Oh! Buzz off!

Yes! I actually think Alan is going to eat his words.

He's going to think it's nice.

Look at that. You're very good.

That's good, isn't it?

That's good.

ALAN SPLUTTERS

Geez, duh!

Good job we're not playing strip pool, innit? You'd be naked.

ALAN SNICKERS God.

It's always a bit eggy when you're dating.

I'm just going to see how it goes.

But I just think time is of the essence.

I'm approaching 50. I've been a bit miserable, but now I

love Greece and I want to find love, you know?

So what do you look for in someone when you go dating?

Being happy. Oh, you go for happy people.

Happy people. I go for men who are really good at pool.

Mm, I like it. ALAN LAUGHS

It's been lovely having a nice date with you.

Me too.

Let's do another date.

Let's have a dinner. Let's have a dinner!

Promise? Promise.

Oh, you're so lovely.

Now, please, I'm going to... Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Mwah! You're so lovely. Mwah!

It's a busy morning at the build

as we try and get both of our rooms finished.

Adonis has come through again with an ingenious

alternative to my tile dilemma -

a waterproof, coloured-plaster finish.

Fabulous. OK. This is the undercoat?

This is the under... Yeah. This is not 100%...

Cos it's not the colour, but it's the primer. Correct.

The base colour.

Well, let's go in. OK. OK.

Adonis is the king of bathrooms.

The king of hot tubs.

He's just the king of...hot.

Stamatis has been giving all of his attention to the blue bath.

But I've got an even bigger challenge

for him in my family reading room -

fitting the floating bed.

Through there.

It's crucial for our design, as it's not only a space to read,

but it's an overspill bed for large families.

SPEAKS GREEK

It's quite high up.

There's a...there's a ladder that swings about,

so the potential for it to go wrong is quite high.

It's got a curve in the middle. Yeah.

Because it's heavy and it's long.

So we need to do something to support.

So we need... You need to think now

an idea what we're going to put in the middle.

I don't think Stamatis takes my design ideas as seriously

as he does Amanda's.

Like, he made her bath work.

The point of a floating bed is it has to look like it's floating.

That's not floating if it's got a massive stick keeping it up.

It's meant to be magic.

People are meant to go, "Oh, how's that bed staying up there?"

If it's got a giant pole keeping it up, where's the surprise?

I mean, look how big it is.

Oh, God. Nearly 3m. That's a big bed.

OK...

SPEAKS GREEK

I'm just wondering whether the bed shouldn't be floating.

Maybe I should just stick a futon in there and be done with it.

You hold it like that and press. You see?

So you push it in? Yeah.

As Alan's struggling, I'm thriving.

For us to have found this extraordinary

solution that I didn't even know existed,

like, blue cement, I'm, like,

glad that we had the problem. Because we found a way around it

and it's better than the original idea.

That's amazing.

Oh!

Hello, Mr Carr! Hello!

THEY LAUGH

What do you think of me big blue bath?

Oh, yeah. It's...

Yeah, it's... Blue. Yeah. It's blue.

It's blue. This is the undercoat.

So it's going as blue as my chandelier.

Adonis, what do you think?

Is this good or is she crazy, crazy? No.

No, no. Do you think it's going to look good?

Yeah. Going to look very good. Thank you, Adonis.

All right, all right!

After a full-on day of DIY,

Stamatis and his wife Olympia have invited Alan

and my girls to the Varkarola festival

in celebration of St Spyridon.

It's bigger than I thought it was going to be, Alan.

It's like the whole of Corfu has come out, innit?

In 1716, the Ottomans tried to invade Corfu,

but their attack failed.

It's believed that St Spyridon worsened the weather,

stopping the battle.

Stamatis. Yeah. Oh!

Hello!

This is amazing! Yeah, yeah.

How many celebrations a year are there to do with Greek gods?

Every second day they're doing something.

In the summer, in the summer.

Really? Yeah, yeah. Are the fireworks quite loud?

Cos I've got a nervous disposition.

It's just a light and a little bit... "Bang, bang, bang!"

No, no, no.

I mean, when you have Bonfire Night at home,

there's like a barrier

and you have a couple of people in high-vis jackets.

The man's over there just standing next to a box of fireworks,

having a fag. I just don't... I don't know.

I can't really relax.

OK. Should we do a toast to...

How do you call this tradition? Varkarola.

Varkarola. Varkarola!

Varkarola! Varkarola!

Every year on August 11th, St Spyridon is honoured with

a mock recreation of the battle and fireworks galore.

LOUD BANG, AMANDA YELPS

FIREWORKS CRACK

AMANDA LAUGHS

At the house, we're on the home stretch to finish the rooms.

Adonis has been colour matching my bath to

the chandelier so I can finally hang it in place...

Ready? Yep.

Yay!

..and style the space.

And with my bed finally floating,

I'm bringing my wall of shelves to life.

Oh.

His willy's fallen off.

Lay All Your Love On Me by Abba

So...

..you've got to admit, it turned out better than you expected.

It really, really did.

And I'm going to just say, with this renovation,

I think I'm falling in love with the colour blue more.

Thank you, Alan.

RECORD SCRATCH

That, to me, does look a little bit...cheap.

It wasn't expensive, it wasn't cheap.

But this was AI. Now it's AH.

A... HE LAUGHS

I see what you did there. Thank you.

Yeah, hats off to you because it's brilliant.

Come and have a look at my intellectual space.

It is amazing, I have to say. Yeah.

You've come in from the beach.

It's not tea time yet and you're not getting ready.

I'm going to climb all the way up there with my book.

And if I nod off, I nod off. Who cares?

You've done an incredible job.

Yeah. And it's allowed us to have another guest.

Yeah. And if you wanted to,

you could have a little put-you-up there and have more people.

Yeah. So what do you think of me unit?

I love... I mean, I love a unit,

and I love how you've styled all the books

colour coordinated. There's Aphrodite.

Aphrodite, for me. Yeah.

And there's Apollon for me. Apollon?

Apollen is the Greek way of saying Apollo.

Oh. But sadly, the willy's fallen off just...

Did you really lose his willy? Yeah, the willy snapped off.

Oh, my God. Poor man. I know, I know.

But he's still smiling. THEY LAUGH

Next time... Opa! Opa!

..we hit the dance floor.

That is a calorie burner, that is.

And I finally have some luck.

Amanda put me on a Lonely Hearts app.

You know me now here. Why you need the app?

THEY LAUGH

As we take on... That's good.

..our final space. I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you, too.

Yamas!

LAUGHTER