Original subtitles

Ah!

Ooo-ooh.

No!

Ah! Uh...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello.

And, in case you didn't hear me, hello.

I'm Greg Davies and this is Taskmaster.

Look at this, just look at it, go on. Give it a real good look.

Now stop looking at it. And now, have another look.

And that is the kind of utopian future the winner of this series

can expect - getting to do whatever they like, whenever they like,

to my head!

So, let's keep this competition going

and meet the five rambunctious rivals.

Please welcome James Acaster...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jessica Knappett...

..Kerry Godliman...

..Phil Wang...

..and Rhod Gilbert.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And here, sat next to me,

it's my hypoallergenic fuzzball of an assistant...

# He says he's over 6 foot but he's 5 foot 4!

# Little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I wasn't expecting you to be wearing that.

I have no doubt you've got a hilarious reason.

It's the health and safety beard snood. Right.

And the rule you sent me, through the post this time, was,

when I'm preparing a meal, if my beard is more than 2mm long

I must wear the beard snood. So...

..on it goes.

And you're preparing food now? Always, mentally.

Always thinking of your next meal.

LAUGHTER

It's comfortable, it's made of very soft cotton so it's quite...

LAUGHTER

Oh, that is...

That is going to fucking hurt, isn't it?

It already hurts a bit! It hurts a little bit on the ears!

Oh!

Thank you. Thank you, Greg. Thank you. Thank you for that.

Very good. Let's crack on.

Thankfully, it's now time for the prize task and this week

we've asked them to bring in the boldest belt.

Whoever's belt you select as the boldest will buckle up with

five satisfying points and, at the end of the episode,

the person with the most points will take home all five belts and

vastly reduce the chances of their trousers falling down.

OK. Kerry, Kerry Godliman.

What belt have you brought in

and why do you think it's the boldest belt?

I brought in a wrestling belt, because it's the boldest of belts,

I can't think of a bolder belt off the top of my head.

And it's gold. It's massive.

And, to be a wrestler, you've got to be pretty bold, haven't you?

It's gold, is it? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

It cost £24.

£24? Is it plastic?

No, it's gold.

It's actual gold.

And you think gold is bold, obviously.

Rhymes. Yes.

Bonus point!

James,

what have you brought in?

Fizzy belts.

Fizzy belts?

Yeah, like you get in a tuck shop.

Visual, please! Fizzy rainbow belts.

APPLAUSE

They're cheap. Cheap.

So, I went into the tuck shop and I said,

give me £500 worth...

LAUGHTER

..of your boldest belts.

And that's what they came up with.

When you see it now, do you think you might have been ripped off?

When you see it laid out like that? No, they cost a lot!

The yellow bits in there, they're gold!

APPLAUSE

Jess, what is the bold belt that you've brought in?

It's a seat belt pillow.

You attach it to your seat belt.

Here we go, this is the seat belt pillow.

Right.

So, that goes on the seat belt and you rest your head on his head?

That goes on your seat belt, or you can just wear it driving around.

I've got a review from Amazon for this one. Oh, great.

Takes really long time to arrive. Quite poor quality.

Four stars!

Genuine review.

Is it a belt?

It's definitely a belt. It's a belt? Yeah.

It's not. It has some attachments for you to put it onto a seat belt.

I'm not going to lose this prize task on a technicality.

Oh, I mean, you 100% are going to lose this prize task!

Rhod Gilbert.

I got a belt. Is it bold? Yes.

Let's have a look at it. It is bold.

LAUGHTER

That is a genuine stuffed goat's head.

It's what I wear to weddings in Wales.

Jesus Christ.

Have you ever worn that belt, genuinely? I'm genuine!

That's the belt I wear to weddings! You'll see at the end of the show.

Genuine, live... Not live, dead!

It's not live!

Phil. I've got a bold belt.

I got it made, custom made, for this very purpose.

Good. Here's the belt.

So, I got to pick out the belt strap and the buckle.

And this is how bold the belt was.

When I asked for this combination, the guy said, "Are you sure?"

Do you want to see the guy? So that's him actually making it.

I wish I'd got the guy killing the goat now!

And I haggled with him for this, I haggled with him. He said £50.

I said 30. He said 50. And I said 40.

So I paid £50...

..which I think you'll find is a nice, round, bold number.

Right, it's time to judge them. OK.

One point, James. It's not a belt. Sweets.

What?!

Jess, two points, and you're lucky, it's not a belt.

Oh! Kerry, three points. It's tat.

At the end of the day, if you go to the trouble

to having a live goat's head grafted onto your groin,

you're going to get five points on this show.

Phil, four points. Rhod Gilbert, five points.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Belts - tick! Next task, please.

Yes, and we've got some fast fiction for you.

Hi, Alex. Hello, Phil Wang.

Hi, Alex Horne. That's too close to me.

Ooh.

Hello, James.

Write a ten-word story before you reach the finish line.

You must be running while writing.

Must be.

Shoot!

Fastest across the finish line with a proper story wins.

What do you mean, a proper story?

It's got to have a start, middle and end.

Quite... I feel quite anxious about this one.

Running and writing, writing a ten-word story.

That's counting, running and writing.

Counting, running and writing.

Could you read the last line of the task, please, Phil?

Yeah, just give me a second.

OK, fastest across the finish line with a proper story wins.

Your time starts...

SHE SQUEAKS

Pardon?

Your time starts...

LAUGHTER

Your time starts now!

APPLAUSE

Let's get on with it.

OK, well, here's everyone having a bit of a jog and a bit of a write.

Phil, can you read the last line of... Your time starts now.

Thank you, Phil.

How many words? Ten, please. I must be running what?

Erm...

Are you running? Yes.

One, two, three, four. There was a girl...

Partridge...ran...

Three-part structure. Introduction, conflict, resolution.

She needed shoes!

..and...found...its...mother...

Nine, ten.

..dead!

Did it say write or tell a ten-word story?

All the information's on the task.

LAUGHTER

Finished? I've just remembered it's supposed to be ten words.

OK, I've got a story.

You all right, Rhod?

APPLAUSE

Now, then...

..it occurred to me that they didn't actually have to start running

until they had their whole story in their head, did they?

Well, it was only running while writing. Right.

But they all just chose to get running and...

Oh, they all ran the whole time. Yeah.

Of course, Phil Wang didn't write anything.

Well, shall we start with Phil's story and then we can debate it?

Let's hear his story and then we'll decide whether he wrote it or not.

An ogre was hungry.

Ate...

Ate a child.

It was his.

Thank you, Phil. And you've definitely written that?

Well, written, you know, write a story is not...

It doesn't literally mean write.

We say Homer wrote the Iliad but we also all understand that

it was probably passed down through oral tradition.

So you've used the oral tradition?

OK. I'll let him know. OK.

Thank you, Phil. All right, thanks, guys. Good story.

Oh, yeah, there was a pen and paper here.

APPLAUSE

I also regret saying oral tradition while my dick was out.

So, the oral...

You're using the oral tradition of Homer's Iliad.

Yeah, well, I enjoyed that explanation.

I'm tempted to buy it, you know. OK.

And I think the story was pretty powerful.

Beginning - ogre was hungry.

Middle - he fulfils that hunger.

Twist - he's eaten his own child which is an act of...

Happiness.

LAUGHTER

I didn't know you were coming to me!

Well, that's enough of part one. Good riddance, I say.

Nasty piece of work. See you in a few.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! I have missed you so much.

You'll be glad to know its part two and it's story time.

It is! Next up, this is Jess reading her story.

The albino partridge ran away

and found its mother...

..dead.

That's it. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

It was a story. It was a story.

Let's just drill down into some of the detail.

The albino partridge ran away.

Why did it run away?

Because its mother was missing?

No, because it had done some bad shit.

I don't know, I haven't given it any background!

I only had ten words!

Yeah, and she was very fast as well. She was 24 seconds.

Oh, well, that's impressive. It's a fast story.

My tactic was just take off, run away like an albino partridge.

Who's next?

We're going to see a man with the body of a writer

and the mind of a runner. It's James Acaster.

The boy ran to France,

and I loved that boy.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, God!

Good story.

Has it got a middle, that, technically? Huh?

Beginning, middle and end. Yep.

There's certainly a beginning. The boy running to France. Yes.

Boy ran to France. Yes. And. I love that boy.

LAUGHTER

Boy ran to France. Now, that's a long way.

From Kettering.

He was Kettering-based? Yes.

I think that was implied. Of course, sorry.

Sorry. Yes. I'm no story writer. Go on.

So, when the boy started running,

other people started joining the boy running and he was inspiring people.

Like Forrest Gump.

Oh. Is that a thing? Yeah!

He's done a lot of things, he met the president.

The president of...?

Kettering. Kettering.

And, when we got to France, I knew that,

just like all the other people who followed him, I loved that boy.

And then he married Jenny.

OK, happy?

Yeah, I couldn't be happier. Who's next?

It's Kerry Katona.

Kerry Godliman. Godliman. Godliman.

It's Kerry Godliman.

Right, OK.

There was a girl that needed shoes

and got shoes.

Thanks, Kerry. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye.

APPLAUSE

I realise it's shallow now.

Not necessarily.

It's about shoes.

There might be a profound reason as to why the girl wanted shoes.

Yeah.

She'd never had shoes her whole life.

Because of money?

Money, yeah, yeah. And...

She needed shoes, so there's your set-up, there's your opening,

that's your act one. Yeah.

And then what did I say? She got them.

And got shoes. She got shoes.

It turned out well. Yes.

Happy ending.

She needed the shoes.

She got the shoes. So, the middle section...

No-one had to die, no-one ate a kid!

And then she found money,

she found some money in the street like Willy Wonka!

She found the coin.

And she went, I'm going to go to Freeman, Hardy and Willis's...

And she deserved it because all the other children who brought

those shoe coins to the shoe shop, they didn't deserve them! Yeah!

One was spoiled! One was fat!

One of them got their foot trapped in the measurer like that!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE That'll teach them!

You've really run with that, you've run with my story.

I'm sorry, Kerry, but plagiarism is not cool. No, I... No.

LAUGHTER

So, there's one more left to see, isn't there, Alex? That's right.

And last up to the starter's line, it's the other Mr Gilbert.

How long's that?

Ten minutes.

And what?

Four seconds.

Count me.

Count you? Yeah, let's have seconds.

Ten seconds... Yeah.

..11... Yeah.

..12... Stop.

Can you not read it yourself? No.

Do you want me to read it? Yeah.

Aah...

Exhaustive.

The man ran...

..for exactly ten minutes...

..12 seconds...

..losing.

Ten words.

Thank you, Rhod.

APPLAUSE

Some good counting.

I mean, it's a work of art. In many ways.

There were many other entries.

"Once upon a time there was an old woman who lived in a shoe."

That's 14 words and you gave up.

"Good King Wenceslas looked out but no feast. What?"

And then you gave up.

And then you had,

"The Taskmaster fell while trying to unzip his trousers."

That's another attempt. Nightly occurrence.

Would have scored highly.

But, yeah, they were all abandoned in favour of the ten minute 12 one.

I think, in their own way, all of those stories were beautiful.

I want to hear the times and that's how we'll award the points.

Let's party. Jess, 24 second story.

Phil Wang, a two minute 16 story.

We know Rhod of course, a ten minute 12 story.

20 second story by James Acaster.

He leapt over the gate as well.

Kerry... Yes.

..much slower, 44 seconds.

So, it goes one point to Rhod, two to Phil, three to Kerry,

four to Jess but five to James Acaster who wins the trial!

APPLAUSE

I smell a scoreboard. Yes.

They all have six points. So, there we go.

Yeah. Amazing.

APPLAUSE

Very good. Another.

OK, this is big news.

It's our first team task of the series. Here we go.

Hi!

Ooh!

What's all this?

Welcome, Rhod. Thank you.

Is that what Phil Wang's wearing for the whole series?

Phil, I mean, I'm trying to keep eye contact.

I'm desperately trying not to look at your genitals.

How are you? How are you? I'm all right. How are you?

Have you looked at Wang's genitals?

Oh, you have now. You reckon?

No, I haven't looked at them, I'm trying not to becau...

Why are you trying not to? Well, because as soon as he approaches...

Maybe that's the task. I think that might be the task.

Don't look at Wang's dick.

You can both pick a card, please.

Don't show me it, or each other, yet.

OK, Kerry, can you show me your card, please? Show you? Yes, please.

A five. OK. Jess?

A nine.

Right, that means you get this.

If you want to pop that on. Shall I take your drink?

Oh, shoes!

You to have to... I've got to wear the blindfold? Yes, please.

And you two get to sit on those stools. Yes!

We get a seat!

You've got to be joking?

That's for you, Kerry. Right.

Paint the best picture of this still life.

The painter must remain blindfolded throughout. Ha-ha!

The other person may not move from their chair

and may only say the following words.

You have ten minutes.

Your time starts now.

OK, here is the still life.

OK.

That looks like you've emptied the contents of your underpants

onto the table, Phil.

APPLAUSE

Interesting difference in the greetings between the two teams.

A lovely hug from the ladies

and you exclusively talked about Phil's dick.

Good.

I can honestly say, I've never been so happy to put a blindfold on.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's all have a little rest. See you in a few minutes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ah, hello!

Come in, sit down and shut up.

What were we doing before the break, please, Alex?

OK, this is the first ever boys versus girls team task.

Blindfolded painting using only the official authorised words of

banana, down, left, less, more, pick, right, up and whoops.

Here we go.

Guys...

..you could grab my hand and literally make me paint it.

That's not against the rules.

Right. That is...

..banana!

Is this the still life? Whoops! Whoops.

Banana to that last question. OK.

Only those words, please, Kerry.

Banana for yes.

Yes.

Banana.

LAUGHTER

Banana, eggs.

Banana. Melon. Banana.

Say more when I've got the right place. More.

OK, I'm drawing a pineapple.

LAUGHTER

Down.

Pick. Up.

Wait...

Banana, banana, banana!

Banana, banana, banana.

Banana! Banana, banana, banana, banana, banana, banana.

More! Less. More. Less.

More. Less. Whoops, more, more.

Right?

Left. Left. Left.

Banana.

Melon time. Banana!

Right, banana. Banana.

Here?

Right.

Whoops. Whoops.

LAUGHTER

Whoops, right, banana. Left, banana.

Oh, you mean...

Like that? Left banana.

How's that? Banana.

Yes! Banana!

WHISTLE

More, more, more.

MUMBLING

WHISTLE

Banana.

Banana whoops.

Not bad. Not bad at all. Not bad at all.

APPLAUSE

The females don't look happy.

I'm livid. That's cheating, isn't it?

What? Holding the hands and doing it on their behalf.

Didn't say on the card, didn't say anything about it.

That was not the intention of the task, was it, really?

I think you've got to think outside the box with these things.

Very much so. Yeah.

Well, it's delicate, isn't it?

Because sometimes, ooh, think outside the box.

Other times, cheating.

You want to see the picture? Yeah.

Oh. Wow.

Given they cheated, I expected more. Yeah.

The duck's good, mind.

Yeah, the duck's good but the rest's crap.

Here's the girls'.

Wow. It's good, isn't it?

Which one's the picture?

'You want to see them next to each other? You'll have to judge them.

This is the two of them. I'm going to judge them as well.

It's up to you, Greg.

I think it's close but one of the teams didn't cheat.

To be fair to the boys, look at the texture in that melon. Yeah.

Look at the texture! Look at the texture in our melon!

Yours looks like spiralized courgette!

It does. All right, you've got to score it.

There's normally five points to split between the two teams. Yeah.

For me, the sheer detail in that duck...

The sheer detail in that duck... You love that duck. ..snatches it.

So I'm going to give the boys three points and the ladies two.

Three to the boys, two to the girls!

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Fine, thank you.

More, please, more.

Up more, less banana, up less, banana, whoops!

Here we go.

Hi. Oh, hello.

Oh, my God! Oh, what's happened?

I love these!

Foghorns!

SHE HONKS LIKE A HORN

It's the sound of a party.

Predict what Jessica Knappett...

Kerry Godliman...

Phil Wang...

Rhod Gilbert...

James Acaster will do with one of the objects

and do something yourself with one of the objects.

You also get five points if Rhod Gilbert...

Phil Wang...

Kerry Godliman...

Jessica Knappett...

James Acaster correctly predicts your own action.

What a good task.

Right...

APPLAUSE

Firstly, we should definitely shine a light on your impression.

Thank you. Perhaps you'd like to do it live.

SHE HONKS LIKE A HORN

LAUGHTER

Very good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, the idea is you want to be predictable, and good at predicting.

We're going to start with Rhod and Jess making their prediction.

'I know what James Acaster's going to do. That's easy.

'Acaster will take the tenner, he's skint.

LAUGHTER

What do you think Kerry Godliman will do with one of these things?

'I think she'll be like that. "Can I have this?"

LAUGHTER

OK... "Free money, brilliant!" That's what she'll do. OK.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

That was a terrible impression, I'm so sorry.

I think her impression of the horn is better then her impression of me.

I think so, too.

You don't think that you sound like a drunk Phil Mitchell?

LAUGHTER

James, Rhod suggested that you're struggling a bit financially.

I spent 500 quid on fizzy belts.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Makes sense. Yeah? Absolutely makes sense.

All right. Well, let's see if they got it right.

I think you already knew I was going to do this one.

And I would hope that Rhod would also know that I'd do this.

Why are you doing it? Huh? Why are you doing it?

Cos I'm punk!

AIR HORN SOUNDS QUIETLY

LAUGHTER

Do you have to wear these for that?

And I think I'll just take that tenner. OK.

APPLAUSE

See you later, then. Thanks, Kerry. Bye. Bye.

APPLAUSE

Well done. So predictable. Well done. Very predictable.

APPLAUSE

So, for that, Jess and Kerry both get five points for that,

and Kerry gets £10.

You want to see the rest? Yep. Yeah?

OK, this is all the rest doing all the rest. Here we go.

All I've got to do is get in to Phil Wang's head.

Think about what he thinks of me.

I know he's a big fan.

Right.

Jess Knappett...

I mean, I think she'll just bite the apple.

Although...

Surely everyone wants to do that?

Are you changing your answer? I feel like I am. Because...

..surely everybody wants to do that.

I'm just going to do the noise myself.

JESS IMITATES AIR HORN

BELL DINGS

Come on, Phil. Come to me. Come to me, Phil.

Wang reckons I'm going to blow the air horn.

I think Rhod Gilbert, being a proud Welshman, is going to blow

an air horn at a picture of the Queen while screaming.

Am I allowed to do it in your face? If you want.

AIR HORN BLARES

BELL DINGS

Right, I reckon Phil...

..would do this.

There is an mischievousness to him. Naughty boy? Naughty boy!

Sounds a bit seedy, doesn't it, that?

Wang!

KLAXON SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

Kerry had a tough job predicting that Phil would have done that.

Yeah, of course. Of course she did. Yeah.

And you're the only person who didn't understand

the importance of predictability.

Well, I presumed she knew I liked saying my name from time to time.

How would I know that? Why would I know that? Well, it's Wang, innit?

This is the...

And a boy's got to eat.

A naughty boy got to eat and say Wang. Yeah.

I didn't see that coming.

I don't see why everyone's looking at me like I'm the weird one, here.

LAUGHTER

What it means, they are actually all get five points - except for Jess,

who gets 10, because she is the only one

who predicted and was predicted correctly.

Let's have a look at the scoreboard. See the scoreboard? Yeah.

With those 10 points, obviously,

Jess has moved to 18 points and taken the lead.

Wow. Wow.

APPLAUSE

JESS IMITATES AIR HORN

She's catchable, though.

What's next, please, Alex? OK, it's time for round one...

Sorry, it's time for Around One. Ready?

Hello, hello. Hello.

Bonjour. Hello, Rhod.

Hello, James.

LAUGHTER

"Draw the biggest and best circle."

"Biggest and best circle wins."

"Your circle must be completed in one single sweep."

So I'm like a...you want me to be an enormous human compass? Mmm, OK.

"You have 10 minutes. Your time starts now."

Right. I'm going to go outside. You're coming?

Could I have some chalk?

There's probably some in the shed. OK.

You haven't got a roll of paper?

Wallpaper would be good, wouldn't it?

No. No, no. Haven't got any of that.

Well, I'm restricted by the limitations of what you've got.

Very much so.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'd be interested to see if this is the first and only time that

you get angry about having the things that you do restricted

by the format of this show.

No, I think I get angry quite a lot. Yeah, you do.

LAUGHTER

Let's see some stuff.

All right, we'll start with two comedians who've already

shortened their names, but I've made them even shorter - it's Phi and Je.

Phi and Je. Ready?

Would you mind if I mark straight onto your drive?

I think this will be over quite quickly.

OK.

Right. Shall I go? Good luck.

God, it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be.

Here we go.

Oh, no!

Bit of slack, there.

Oh, sugar! Oh, come on, mate!

Mmm.

So it turns out some rocks are better for drawing on

than other rocks.

LAUGHTER

That's a lovely straight line to finish it with!

I've lost pretty much all the colour.

How did that go so wrong?!

Ooh...

Big circle. Yeah.

Um, I think... Where is it? It was here.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What happened, then, Jess?

My rope came loose,

and that's where the straight line began and the circle ended. Yeah.

But what you did do is you chose a writing implement that would

make an actual mark on... I did, yeah.

I felt that was aimed at me.

KERRY: What did you use? It was a marker pen.

It was a highlighter. It was a highlighter.

Highlighter, sorry. It was a highlighter.

I mean, the name highlighter promises more than it delivers.

It was very unfortunate that you cannot see my circle.

I tried to measure his. Jess's was quite easy to measure,

because it had a length and breadth, which is unusual for a circle.

And hers was 38.5 square metres. Lovely.

Another part comes to an end,

meaning it's time to wade through another slurry of miserable adverts.

But some belts will be won in part four, so it's not all bad.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

It is part four. What's been happening?

They've been drawing circles, Greg.

Well, they've been trying to draw circles.

We've seen Jess's, we couldn't see Phil's.

Next up, it's "James A Caster".

What does the A stand for? Nobody knows.

It's like Michael J Fox or Jesus H Christ. Ready?

LAUGHTER

Here's his attempt.

I know what I'm going to do. You know what you're going to do?

I'm going to cycle round in circles on the bike

was spinning this round my arm.

OK, well, you've got one go at this. Good luck.

Yeah? Well, good luck to you.

This is how you sweep a circle. Are you ready?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS

You're still doing it. And look where I landed. In a circle.

Near a circle.

How many circles have been involved in this so far?

There's those wheels, already circular.

This was going in circles round me, that's a circle.

I landed in the circle.

It's not most circles. Huh?

It's biggest and best circle.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, but you add them all up together.

You should add them all up.

I'll add them all up. And then that's...that's the...

..that's the task.

That was the real task. OK. Thanks, James.

I really enjoyed your circles.

Thank you, Alex. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Good evening.

LAUGHTER

OK. Explain yourself.

I thought... You thought,

"I've been told I should draw the biggest circle, but what

"I'm going to do is ride around aimlessly on a bike

"whilst badly spinning a hula hoop.

'LAUGHTER "And then I'm going to crash, accidentally notice there's another

"circle on the floor, and try and claim that as part of my attempt."

That's my reading of what I saw.

Have you got anything different to add?

My eyes are circles?

LAUGHTER

Do you want to see the last two? Yes, of course! OK, here they are.

By far the oldest people I've ever introduced,

from the current panel, it's Rhod and Kerry.

Right. Is there a map of the world here?

Do you want me to go and see if I can find one? Yeah.

Get a map of the world. That'd be one idea.

I'm limited by the size of this table, aren't I?

I can only do it as big as what I've been given to work with.

Do you want a bigger table? I want a bigger piece of paper,

if I'm honest.

It's just the same thing!

HE GROANS WITH EFFORT Jeez!

Now then, it's all got to be done in one swoop, hasn't it? Sweep. Sweep.

Done.

Argh!

Hm. This isn't massive.

I wouldn't use the word "massive" to describe this. Mm.

I mean, there's a massive surface, white surface there,

but you didn't give me options. LAUGHTER

I've just been given a pile of A4.

Oh!

I can go outside? You do whatever you want, Kerry.

I could draw a massive circle in the snow. What was this about?

This is a total waste of time! Yes, six minutes. Right.

Right, this is the longest thing I can find.

I've just realised I could just make a bit of a bigger circle.

LAUGHTER

Do you want me to bring your paper out?

I don't need the paper now, do I? We've established that. OK. Ready?

Yes.

I'm over the moon with that!

APPLAUSE

No-one's going to beat that!

SHE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

That is perfect!

CHEERING

I did a circle!

That is a good circle. That is a good circle.

You've got to be pleased with that,

you being all smart-arsed with your map!

Kerry's circle is just wonderful.

Yeah, but no-one else had snow to play with. Exactly. It seems unfair.

Exactly, Greg. I can't get penalised for the fact it was snowing. Yes!

You cheated!

LAUGHTER

Technically, Rhod's without question the biggest, if we're kind.

It encompassed an area of 601,000 miles squared.

Not literally though, eh? Well, I've looked at the key...

No, cos it's a crappy map!

If I said, "Oh, I just walked across the West Indies..."

How, how, how dare you even speak!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I mean, fair play. The balls of the man!

LAUGHTER

Start with the worst circle.

Well, unbelievably I've got to give him a point.

I don't want to, I'm absolutely furious.

James found a circle, and he can have a point.

Phil did draw a circle. We couldn't see it very well, sure.

But he did draw one, he used a good technique.

Now, Jess used a good technique.

It went wrong, but we could at least see it,

so I'm going to give her three points. Three points to Jess.

I enjoyed Rhod's creativity... OK. ..in creating the biggest circle,

even though he didn't really, so I give you four points. It's to scale.

And, without question, the most beautifully drawn

and the best circle of all gets five points, it was Kerry Godliman.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

OK. For only the second time this series, please will you make

your way to the stage for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

Alex, who's for reading the task out? Phil Wang.

"Make the highest tower of cans within your hoop.

"You have 100 seconds, during which you must also be within your hoop.

"If you step out of your hoop during the 100 seconds

"you will be disqualified.

"After the 100 seconds,

"you must step out of your hoop and not touch your tower again.

"Highest self-supporting tower of cans within your hoop,

"10 seconds after the final whistle, wins."

OK. And remember, if you step out of the hoop during the construction

of the tower you'll be disqualified. Everyone ready?

100 seconds starts... BLOWS WHISTLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's quite a big tower.

Are you trying to reach them?

Be careful of this bit. Yeah.

Are you still in your hoop, Phil? I've not stepped out of it.

Are you sure?

Do you think that's going to stay after the 10 seconds?

LAUGHTER

Yes. 20 seconds left.

Oh, no! Problems there, problems there. Yeah. We're down.

LAUGHTER

It's tight!

Four, three, two, one...

BLOW WHISTLE

Step out of your hoops! Come out of your hoops!

AUDIENCE: Ooooooh!

Step out of your hoop, step out of your hoop, step out of your hoop!

You've made mine fall!

Three, two, one...

WHISTLE We have a winner.

APPLAUSE

Come down and let's see how that's affected the final scores!

APPLAUSE

Please "cans" you talk me through that last task, Alex?

That's really funny(!)

Really funny.

LAUGHTER OK, so...

James had a very tall tower, until it was relevant, and then...

LAUGHTER

..down it went, so he came last. One point.

Jess's tumbled because...

I had Acaster after-shocks.

LAUGHTER

So, two points to Jess.

Three points to Phil, who managed to stack three cans in 100 seconds!

But the two giants were Rhod and Kerry,

and Kerry just pipped you, she gets five points.

Lovely! OK.

APPLAUSE

Which means the leaderboard is quite exciting reading.

There's a tie at the top, the two ladies are tied on 23!

AUDIENCE: Oooooh!

We can't leave it like that, can we? We've got a tie-break. Yep.

The tie-break is, what number do I have written on my left forearm?

Closest answer wins. Seven. Seven.

Er... 1666.

LAUGHTER

Because of the fire? Jess, do you really want to go with that?

Yeah! You've got a good chance of winning an episode here, mate.

LAUGHTER

OK. We're going for seven... 1666 it is.

The exact number is... Oooh! 1...

Oooh! 5...

51 point...

It's 28.51!

'LAUGHTER Which means Kerry Godliman wins the episode! Oh!

APPLAUSE

My lucky number.

Kerry Godliman wins the second episode in a row.

Please head up and belt up!

APPLAUSE

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that Taskmaster is a show of contrasts.

Ask Jessica Knappett to impersonate an air horn

and she will delight you.

Ask James Acaster to draw a circle and he'll make you want to smash

his face in. LAUGHTER

And, once again, we've learned that Kerry Godliman is the winner

of today's show.

Make your hands flat and then connect them noisily

for good old Kerry Godliman! Goodnight and goodbye!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media