Original subtitles

Room 3. Miss Germaine again!

Make it quick, my big bad wolf!

- Come in, Roland. - Good morning, Miss.

Here's your breakfast.

Roland, my darling servant, won't you have a cup of tea with me?

No, Miss.

- Fill me up, then. - Of course, Miss.

May I go now?

Roland, ...

... you really don't want to have sex with me?

I'm very sorry, but that kind of work is not part of my duties.

- Roland... - Miss?

Go and get my vibrator from the bathroom.

Very well.

What shall I do with this device?

I think you need it more than I do.

I'm back.

Do you actually use that?

No... it's a gift from Germaine.

Shit! Now it's the mother.

- Stay with me! Don't leave! - What can I say? That's life.

Come in. Enter. Enter my little Roland.

How may I be of help, Madame?

Come in. I don't wish to be compromised.

So, either you zip up your trousers ...

... or you take them off, but you better choose fast.

Excuse me, Madame, but it's quite drafty in here.

- You might catch a cold. - Really?

Then hand me the towel, my little Roland.

Give me a good rub.

You're tickling me, you naughty boy!

But I didn't say it was unpleasant. Pussies like to be cuddled.

Continue.

Keep going, devil boy!

That's it. You're dry now.

Not yet, my little darling. It feels so good...

Give me your lips, your body...

May I remind Madame that this kind of work is not part of my duties.

Who cares. Don'you t like me?

It would be very unpleasant for me to wound Madame's pride.

May I leave now?

Don't cry, my darling.

Come on, don't cry.

Holy shit! Now it's the boss!

No... no! For God's sake!

Don't leave me on my own again! I can't stand it!

Be patient, please. This is the last one.

There's only the three of them in the house.

No, not again! I can't take it!

Here... this will keep you busy.

I'll be back in a moment.

Come closer, my little Roland. Come closer.

Come closer...

How may I help Monsieur?

I'd like you to massage me. I feel so weary...

So weary...

That's good... so good!

Harder!

Oh, Roland!

You packed your suitcase?

Oh, yes! I'm fed up with all the sex maniacs in this house.

So, it's true? You're leaving?

- Where will you go? - I don't know. I'll find a place.

What a pity, I'll miss you.

Yes, a pity. A great pity.

THE HEDONIST

- Hello, Count. - Hello, Malou.

What's up, Malou?

Any news from the Countess?

- Yes and no. - Meaning?

The Countess let me know via her secretary that she'll be back next Monday.

- Meaning I'll have four days of peace. - Yes, Count.

Shall I draw you a bath?

- Later. - As you wish, Count.

Did the Count enjoy his stay at the Lapi�re's?

To be frank, Malou, not really.

- It didn't work out with the daughter? - It went very well with Germaine.

And with her mother and father too.

And the maid. She was my favorite.

I couldn't stand the others.

It felt like eating pastries with my fingers.

The Count is right.

That's disgusting.

What about Martine, the housekeeper? Did she leave?

Yes, Count.

- And your wife? - She's not here either.

She went to see her aunt, the nun.

- So, we're alone? - Yes, Count.

- Good. Have one. - Thank you, sir.

- Is this a new one? - Yes, a gift from the mother.

- She's always hot, that one! - A real slut, I agree.

And the father?

- He's a fag. - Damn!

It makes me sad when I see you leaving.

I can't come with you because of my wife.

- She's nice and all, but... - You're right, Malou.

I think I'm going to take a holiday. A real one, without any women.

You can put the secret suitcase in a corner of my room, ...

... and leave it there for a long time.

- Who's that? - Careful, it's my old lady.

Good morning, Count.

Hurry, move the suitcase.

Ciao...

"The Memoirs of a Sad Cunt."

The first big event in my life took place more than thirty years ago, in this very house.

Countess, it's a boy!

After that moment, my life was mundane and uninteresting for the next several years.

The second big event took place fifteen years later.

In that case, the main character was our little Spanish maid.

A bit primitive, but charming.

Pepita, come here!

- Look at this! - Oh, Mister Roland!

Now for the third big event in my life...

My mother, broke and widowed, decided to marry me to a young American girl, ...

... the daughter of the head of P.S.A., a wealthy industrialist.

This marriage had two advantages.

It enhanced the chewing-gum manufacturer's image, ...

... and brought to my family the most welcome financial assistance.

As for me, I didn't have a say in this sordid affair.

I was just a pawn on a chessboard.

You'll see, she's a charming girl.

But even if she wasn't, you'd still have to marry her anyway.

What can one say about such a strong selling point?

Nothing. Besides, she wasn't that bad.

But the tragedy started on our wedding night.

Darling?

Darling?

- Yes... go for it. - Go for what?

Come on. What are you waiting for?

Take off that ridiculous robe and let's make love.

That's why we're here, isn't it?

Yes, of course, but still, don't you think that...

Think what, darling?

That making love is ... is...

I don't know, it's not just like ...

... like a couple of dogs.

Things should be done first. Things like ...

Like what? Stop with the foolish talk, Roland.

If you want to have sex, then stop wasting time.

Well, alright...

That's a medium-caliber gun, at the least. I was worried for a moment.

What do you mean by medium-caliber?

When you go into action, ...

... by what proportion does the volume increase?

1 to 4, 1 to 5, or 1 to 3?

Well, I don't really know. It grows, that's all.

I never thought about taking measurements or anything like that.

A detail that is symptomatic of the ignorance in which primitive people live ...

... when they approach sexual issues.

And yet I thought that you, being an aristocrat, ...

What do you mean by that?

Oh, come on! It's essential to know certain things by heart ...

... to be able to act effectively.

Listen to me.

I'm just a simple guy who is about to have sex with his wife.

That's all. Everything else you're saying is...

Of course. I forgot we were in Europe.

"French love"... Women always pregnant.

Contraceptive pills that make you sick ...

You're not on the pill?

Me? You're kidding! Fortunately, I brought my own gear.

Look!

Take your choice.

You, you... You don't want me to put on one of these things?

Of course, my love.

Let's see. Which one are we going to use?

There are different types... velvet, spiked, with a sperm-tip, ...

... the devil's tourniquet, the coffee-break Mohican, ...

... the frantic minaret, ...

- ... the clarinet ... - How come you know so much about this crap?

Come on! It's my job!

Your job? Your job!

Don't tell me that your parents didn't tell you?

You... You're a whore?

Are you crazy? At least you know that I'm Rupert Bolt's daughter?

- The head of P.S.A. - Yeah, I knew that.

But what does P.S.A. mean?

Must I really explain everything to you?

P.S.A. stands for the Porno Shop Association.

And I'm the President and General Director of our European branch.

I have a degree in pornography, by the way.

- And I've presided over the Jury of Copenhagen. - Good grief!

You're not pleased?

You're not proud to be married to a Doctor. Doctor of Pornography.

You know you're handsome, Roland.

I think I could turn you into a wonderful boy-toy with just a few lessons.

Relax.

It was the beginning of the end.

For three days and three nights,

I tried to rise above Barbara's technical knowledge, but in vain.

That part of me which usually gives me so much satisfaction ...

... refused to come alive despite the desperate efforts of my wife.

Let's try the sliding coitus. That should do the trick.

It's starting. I feel it. I think it's working now...

Now take a deep breath.

At the same time, try to move your penis in a contra-centric direction.

Above all, the penetration angle must not be more than 40�.

- Like that? - No, no, silly boy. Not so perpendicular.

The center of rotation must be aligned to the bisector of the kidneys.

It's so simple. Start again.

- You still missed it. - I'm done.

Don't panic my darling. Let's try another method.

Up, down...

Up, down...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

It's useless, Barbara. It's a dead end.

I'll never get an erection with you.

Never.

Hello, Count.

I imagine it was an exhausting night for you.

You have no idea.

When I saw the Countess going out this morning, I immediately understood.

- She went out? - Yes, at nine sharp.

She seemed cheerful, she was singing. She gave me a message for you, by the way.

Wait.

I must talk with you about a problem.

- I need your advice. - Of course, Count.

- So, she's a professional? - Rather a porno-technocrat.

And that's what cooled your passion?

- Yes, but why? - It's obvious.

The Frenchman is accustomed to courting, to flirting, to putting himself on parade.

To seduction, in a word. It makes him feel like a conqueror.

That was the case with you. And then, suddenly, you're stuck with a broad... Sorry...

- I meant a woman... - Forget the etiquette, Malou.

Talk to me as if I was your friend.

Okay, Count.

So they've stuck you with a Yankee cunt!

One of those who opens their legs while saying hello ...

... and then lectures you on the best way to fuck them!

I understand now why you're so upset.

You're probably right, but after the blow she dealt me, ...

... I'm afraid I won't be able to satisfy any girl.

You must react! And quickly!

For instance, you should try to have sex with a normal girl, ...

... the most innocent girl possible.

- A virgin maybe? - Well, now you're asking too much!

- You know the new definition of a "virgin girl"? - No.

It's a 15 year-old girl who doesn't get laid more than once a day.

You need one of those.

- And fast! - You're probably right.

But where to find this rare pearl?

Kukusekusi!

- What? - Don't worry.

I have a genius idea. Kukusekusi!

- What is it? - You're about to see, Count.

In fact, of course, gentle hypocritic, ...

... love is harder to chew than iron.

I can name you the exact cause of my undoing.

- Deceptive charm, the death of a poor heart... - Give me that!

Come on, papa! It's only a poem by Fran�ois Villon.

A nice bastard, undoubtedly!

I warn you, if he writes to you again, I'll kill you!

Kukusekusi is the lovely daughter of the exiled Polynesian Prince, Bigbrownass.

He watches over her daughter's virginity as if it was the most precious treasure.

You're going to see her now.

At this hour she's probably having her bath.

But you can't land in her bathroom!

What a dumb cunt you are sometimes, sir. She's taking a sunbath by her pool.

Good heavens!

She's just what I need!

How comes she's still a virgin?

It's unbelievable!

Have the French all suddenly become impotent?

Shit, it's her father! Let's get out of here, fast!

Get inside the house immediately!

Slut!

The bastard! He almost hit us!

Have you no shame?

Hanging around naked and attracting helicopters!

- But, papa... - Shut up, please!

I'll kill them all, these bastards that come here to flirt with you!

Don't forget that I'm a champion shooter!

Lovely, absolutely lovely! Don't you think?

I agree, but how do we proceed?

Follow me, I think that's her room.

We'll have a front row seat here.

- But she's naked! - Why not?

Hanging around naked is in fashion this year.

- Malou! -Yes? - I want to get laid with this girl.

Yes.

It can be arranged, but let's get out of here.

The Prince could discover us at any time.

Tomorrow evening the Prince is giving a reception in honor of his daughter, ...

... and they need two manservants for the weekend occasion.

A manservant and his assistant.

You, my dear Count, will be my assistant.

But I'm very well known in high society.

The Polynesian high society too?

No.

So, be reassured, it will only be indigenous people.

- Some savages. - It's complete madness!

If you say so, but it's the best way to carry out our plan.

This outfit is the best master key on the market.

It gives you an excuse to slip into any place in the house.

It's the perfect pass key... to let you in every room.

Even the bathrooms.

Kukusekusi's father himself can't argue with your presence, ...

... even in his daughter's room, if you're dressed like this.

Maybe you're right.

But tell me, you haven't explained how you know Kukusekusi so well, ...

... or her father, their habits ...

... and all their house secrets.

Their head butler is one of my best friends.

That's him who called me, by the way, ...

... to ask me if I could recommend someone for the party.

You look superb!

- You look like you were born to wear this outfit. - Really?

With all due respect, Count.

I don't feel comfortable. I feel like I'm wearing a costume.

And furthermore, I have no experience...

Come on, Count. Remember that dreamlike vision by the pool?

You're not tempted by a further study of the subject?

What if she says no?

That's impossible, Count.

You know how irresistible you are.

I'm not referring to myself, of course.

Remember that you're going to face a young girl.

A young girl who has never been near a young man in her life.

Let's just forget it.

I won't have the nerve.

With one hand, one hand. Like this...

Excuse me... Oh, I'm sorry!

Who are you?

I am Roland.

The temporary butler's assistant.

Well, Roland, I am pleased to meet you.

Do you know where my father is?

No, Miss.

But if I can help you in any way, in any other way...

You're very kind.

Unfortunately it's a matter between me and my father only. See you soon.

Bravo! she's in your pocket. You see, I told you the truth.

You're still here! Bring these cocktails to our guests at once!

A cocktail, Madame?

Grazie.

- Are you Italian? - No, Madame. I'm French.

Other than Alain Delon, I didn't know there were any more pretty boys in France.

You're too kind. You flatter me, Madame.

What's your name, dark and handsome?

Roland.

I think I may need your help very often over the weekend.

As you wish, Madame.

Don't hit on all the women or the Prince will spot you and our plan will be sunk.

It was she who hit on me! Who is she?

She's married to a wealthy industrialist from Milan.

Just be careful, the Prince is very jealous.

- Have you seen the daughter? - No.

I'm hungry as a wolf!

Me too.

- It must be rather awkward for you. - Awkward? Why?

Because you were hired as a servant.

You can't help yourself, and all this must be very tempting.

That's true, but when the party's over, Miss, I become a man like any other.

I'm free to eat all I want and to act like any ordinary man.

But you look better than any ordinary man.

- Did you want something to eat? - Yes, papa, if you please.

The industrialist's wife is asking for you.

But she's had fifteen cocktails already!

- She wants another. She hasn't had enough. - Beware of this boy!

- May I serve you, Miss? - Thank you.

I'm certain that young man is a hoodlum.

- Madame, your cocktail. - Thank you, my dear Roland.

I must say, you're not being very kind to me, Roland.

Forgive me, Madame. It was not my intention.

Don't call me, Madame. My name is Angela. Angelina to my friends.

Don't you want to call me Angelina?

It would be a great honor, Madame Angela, ...

... but I'm afraid I'm not worthy of such a privilege.

It would be inappropriate.

Come on, my little Roland...

...don't be so pretentious.

We Italians are true democrats.

We like to connect with the little people.

All kinds of connections.

I'm a leftist myself.

So I agree with your generous and revolutionary ideas, but the Prince...

Forget the Prince!

I can forget him, but his shotgun...

...the double-barrelled shotgun he uses for bear hunting is difficult to forget.

Admit it!

But you're not a bear, my beautiful devil!

You're right, Angela, and furthermore, I'm the horny devil type.

You again! I see too much of you for my taste.

And as if by magic, always near the ladies!

- But Mr. Prince... - Don't "Mr. Prince" me!

Come on, go!

It's my fault. To be honest I was just giving your lovely manservant...

... the recipe of a delightful cocktail.

I'm sorry, my dear. I had a feeling that manservant was pestering you.

Well, he was flirting a little with me, but nothing serious.

I hope you're not too upset, my dear friend.

On the contrary. I would even say that it took a weight off my mind.

For a moment I thought that this manservant was interested in my daughter.

I swear, in that case I would have killed him with my bare hands.

Don't be so excessive.

Your daughter will have to give herself up to a man one day soon.

Only to her husband.

To her husband, in front of God, and to no other man.

My daughter will stay a virgin until the day of her marriage.

She will until a priest has sealed her union with the man she loves.

On that day, it won't matter any more.

Until then I want her to remain a virgin and chaste like her mother.

Times have changed, my dear Prince.

Nowadays, girls are more...

More...

More... more depraved. They're all whores except my daughter.

Whatever. It is only me that your young manservant was chasing.

I can assure you.

Say, aren't you afraid that ...

... that this young scoundrel might dare to...

Absolutley not!

My dear friend, this young man knows his place in society.

Obviously, he has received a very strict and religious education.

It was only a little game between us, nothing more.

I think I'm going to bed.

I'm so tired...

I'll show you the way to your room, my dear.

The daughter is alone in the living room.

I'm going to see her. You know where the old man is?

He left to escort a guest to her room.

If he comes back, sing something to give me enough time to flee. Understood?

Understood, boss.

Is that all?

Is that all?

Is that all?

Come to my room at midnight. Be on time.

I'll wait for you, my love.

Yes.

Are you crazy! Some of our guests are trying to sleep!

You're right, Prince. I'm sorry. I acted foolishly.

Where's your mate? He should be helping you.

He's in the loo... I mean, in the toilet.

He suffers from a bladder infection.

Sometimes he has the urge to drain his tank, so to speak.

I told you to be quiet!

What are you doing in here by yourself?

I was just doing my hair.

No one bothered you in my absence?

No one raped me, father, if that's what you want to know.

Kukusekusi, I hate this kind of remark!

I suppose you would enjoy being raped, wouldn't you?

Listen to me.

I warn you again, if you have sex before you're married, I'll kill the guy!

I'll string him up like a pig!

And then I'll rip his balls off with pliers and nippers!

Now... you can go to bed.

Good night, father, and thank you for the party all the same.

- Hey, waiter. - Yes, sir.

Say... your mate with the infected bladder...

- He still hasn't finished pissing? - No, sir.

Poor guy is a stutterer and it can last an hour when he has a fit.

Can you imagine, for a man so young?

Where are you going, scoundrel? My handsome scoundrel!

Why, I was looking for your room of course, Angela.

Is that the truth?

Of course, Angela. Who else would I be looking for?

Why this sudden urge to see me?

What a silly question... To make love to you, of course.

What are you waiting for then? We mustn't waste a moment.

Please! Just a moment! Hold on!

Hold on!

I told you to hold on! No.

I don't understand. What now?

Stay here, don't leave me on my own.

- I have to leave. - Certainly not!

I'll be back soon.

No, I forbid you to leave. Where are you going?

I just remembered, I forgot to turn off the kitchen gas.

If someone lights a match the whole house could blow up!

Are you nuts? What kind of idiot would light a match in the kitchen at this hour?

You never can tell. I'll be right back.

How come you already have your pants open?

I wanted to save time. I tried to undress in the corridor to have more time with you!

That's it!

And I was wondering ...

... is it true that you've never done it with a man?

Does it matter? Come...

- What's wrong? - I'll be right back.

I'm sure someone is spying on us from outside.

Come on, let him spy. Just take care of me.

I heard a noise. I have to check.

- Please, let me go. - But it doesn't matter.

Maybe it's the ghost of the house?

We've never had a ghost in this house, my darling.

That's what Lady Windermere said ...

... before they found her dead with her fan stuck in her throat.

- Who was Lady something? - She... she was my aunt!

Listen, I have to go. It will only take a few minutes.

I can't concentrate on you. I'll be reassured and able to focus when I return.

I warn you, if you're not back in five minutes, ..

... I'll scream and you'll take the blame for raping me.

I promise.

Not even five minutes.

- You're here! - I've been waiting for five minutes.

Little devil, so you weren't in the kitchen?

Obviously not, since I was here.

Oh, Madonna...

What's wrong? You're not leaving again?

Yes, I need to wash.

- Are you crazy? Why? - Well, I just need to.

Okay... go on, the bathroom's there.

- Not here, that's not possible. - Why not?

Well, I... I can only wash in my own room.

It's sort of a habit. You understand?

Not at all.

Well, I also have an urgent bodily need ...

And it happened just now?

Yes. It happens every time I make love. Everything happens at the same time.

If you're not back in five minutes, I'm crying rape!

Oh, you too! Soon I'll be able to put together a choir!

- What are you talking about, Roland? - Pay no attention.

- Five minutes. Not a second more! - I promise. I promise.

- So, who was it? - What? Who are you talking about?

- The person walking in the corridor. - Oh, yes! It was my friend, Malou.

He's a sleepwalker, but let's forget him.

- But, Kusi... - Yes?

- Is it true that you're a virgin? - Yes.

Yes.

Your suffering is about to end, my angel.

- The time of your initiation has begun. - No, never! Or my father would kill you!

What then? What are we going to do?

The usual. The usual, darling.

- So, this is innocence... - You don't like it, Roland?

Of course I like it. It's fine with me.

My love...

Oh, my dearest friend...

... come to me.

So, it worked?

I can't say it didn't. It actually worked too well.

Come on, move over.

Oh, my dearest friend...

- It was horrible! - Calm down, I'll settle this.

Why are you clowning like that?

It happens to me sometimes, especially when I'm nervous.

I can't help it. I'm twitching.

Twitching! You don't say!

So, you've known for years that she sleeps with other men and you don't care?

It doesn't bother you?

Why should I care?

She's free to do as she pleases. She's very talented, I assure you.

- I've already seen her at work. - But that's impossible!

She's a virgin!

Well, I heard she's a virgin anyway.

If she can make you believe in her virginity, ...

... it proves that you know nothing about women.

I can't believe that a man like you could be fooled like a schoolboy.

After all, I can tell you...

... I've had a sort of non-platonic relationship with her for ten years.

Aren't you ashamed?

I don't believe you're talking about the same woman.

Shut up!

Ashamed of what?

What's wrong with you guys?

Come on, she's a woman... and I'm a man.

It's nature's way.

I'm sorry, but I don't find this very natural.

Especially as you started more than ten years ago! Don't you agree?

Come on, that's ridiculous, my boy!

Well, she looks young, it's true... but in fact she's much older than she looks.

Well, if you've slept with her for ten years ...

... then why take your gun and get mad at me as if I had raped her?

Well, I simply believe that you're not allowed to behave like this, my boy.

And you must have respect for my guests.

Confidentially, Prince... in confidence ...

It was she who asked that we meet in her room at midnight.

Oh, the slut! Why she didn't tell me?

When I think about the nice threesome we could have had. That wasn't very kind of her.

We could have had so much fun, the three of us.

You are disgusting!

Disgusting? Me? I doubt it, or else she's changed a lot.

Angela loves threesomes very much!

You have my word on it!

Angela? Angela... of course!

Angela, that slut! You're right, she's the best of her kind!

Then why are you so angry?

No, no...

I'm not actually angry, I assure you.

But I have to keep up appearances.

You see, out of respect for my guests, I'll have to fire you at once.

That's the sum I owe you.

- Thank you, my Prince. - Now you must leave.

Angela asked me to fire you.

I'm sorry, but I'm forced to do this.

I understand you. You can't ignore the desires of your guests.

I'm delighted to have been at your service...

... and I'll carry wonderful memories of this time in your home.

My respects to your daughter.

What nice young men!

- I nearly had a heart attack. - What a slut, that Angela!

Why did she tell the Prince that I had raped her?

I have some work for two unemployed butlers.

That was the last straw! But yet, we went with her.

I can tell the truth now ...

... that was the most explosive week-end of my entire life.

Care mio!

I was cured of my sexual problems.

The next Monday morning, my valet and I returned home.

How are you, my darling?

You look so cute in that outfit! I got home two hours ago.

You're not surprised to see me dressed like this?

You know I'm very tolerant.

I'm sure you have very good reasons to hide yourself behind a sofa, ...

... dressed like a servant.

How can I explain?

- I just wanted to wear... - Don't worry about it, my darling.

You can do as you please.

You don't have to explain yourself. I'm just happy to be back home.

I'm happy to see you too.

Please, not now... I have work to do. Don't be angry with me...

... and forgive me, but I'm in a hurry.

I have a very important business meeting for which I have high hopes.

- Are you free tonight? - Yes.

Very well. If you want, we can have dinner together.

- Well, of course. - I've invited the Takamate brothers.

They're interested in my articles.

We'll go to the Tajita, a Japanese restaurant.

- Meet you there at eight. Alright? - Alright.

Good, please be on time. And do me a favor.

Don't come to the restaurant in that outfit.

The Japanese might misunderstand.

Customs have changed in Japan, you know.

We women have buried the kimono, in favour of the monokini.

Very good! Great powers like our two countries ...

... must continue to evolve despite these backward-looking Europeans.

But they're so kind, don't you think?

You like this dish, my darling?

Yes, it's very good.

What's he saying?

He says that he's very happy to see that many Europeans ...

... have succeeded in overcoming their Western prejudices.

What is that?

Come on, it's monkey brain!

It's one of their national dishes.

What will you have, sir?

A plate of testicles, please.

Did you wash yourself?

But I'm not dirty!

You can't tell. What about germs?

I don't have germs or syphilis or any other venereal disease.

How can you be so sure? Come here.

- What do you want to see? - Come closer.

You have little pimples.

You should see a specialist.

But I just want to make love with you.

Thank you, I'm very flattered.

But go and see a doctor tomorrow.

And if everything's okay, we'll make love tomorrow night.

Wait a minute...

Tomorrow...

Yes, it's okay. Between 7 and 9 pm.

After tomorrow, I'll be in Japan for a week.

- It's very important. - So we do it now!

If you insist, we can have some fondling and other foreplay.

I'll also take this opportunity to have your sperm analysed.

What? You're not tempted?

No, I'll wait until tomorrow.

One can never be too careful with gonococcus.

Leave me alone! If I have gonococcus, they're mine.

I'll do with them as I please!

Here, read this. If the Doctor is not mistaken, I'm in perfect health.

Are you happy? I even had his signature notorized.

Well, darling, there's not a second to lose!

We have exactly 55 minutes ahead of us.

Alright. Just a moment.

Come, come...

Come, my darling, quickly...

Say, you have pimples too.

- Do you have your medical certificate? - Roland, you're being ridiculous, my darling.

I can't be unhealthy. I'm an American!

For a very long time we've enjoyed the benefits of prophylaxis.

So you don't have a certificate?

Then we'll make love when you return from Japan.

After you have seen a specialist.

"One can never be too careful about gonococcus."

Good night, my angel.

I'm listening, Count.

You must find me another job.

As far as possible from here.

How about Portugal?

This way, sir.

This way, sir! There, in the back.

- Which girl is it? - This one.

- She has beautiful eyes. - Indeed, Count.

Call me Roland, not Count, moron.

Okay, Cou... sorry, Roland.

So, she's okay for you, Roland?

At least she won't ask me for a certificate.

Then let's go and see the boss right now.

It's him who'll have you hired by this broad.

- What's his name? - Pirate Joe, a nice guy.

Let's wait 'til the end of her show.

What a headache!

- Towel! Change my towel, dumb fuck! - Change his towel, dumb fuck!

- What do you want, father? - To warn you.

I have alarming news for you.

Pigs is going to try and whack you in the next two days.

You have to take some French leave.

French leave. French leave... easy to say.

But where?

Crossing the border is impossible.

You're right, your face is as well known as Raquel Welch's tits.

And your picture is everywhere. They won't leave you alone until you're dead.

- What! Say that again! - I was only joking, boss.

Don't you see?

It's a great idea, if I was officially dead ...

... they'd leave me alone.

Right, and you won't need to flee, of course.

- Moron, don't you get it? - To be honest, no...

We have to find a guy ...

... with my build.

We'll put him with Loulou in her house.

My regular broad.

And we whack them.

We'll put my ring on the asshole's finger.

Then set fire to the house!

We'll set fire to the house so that Loulou and my double become unrecognizable.

And we'll pay off the medical examiner. Isn't that a terrific plan?

Well, we can give it a try.

That way, I kill two birds with one stone.

I vanish into thin air ...

... and I get rid of Loulou.

She knows way too much.

And she's getting to be a real pain in the ass!

It's a good plan, right?

It's great, but where will we find your stand-in?

That's the main problem. Where should we look for him?

She's supple. Could you do that?

Would you like a table?

No. Tell your boss that Malou the Breton wants to talk to him.

You know the boss? And who is Malou?

It's me. I sent him a letter, he's expecting me.

- You can come see the boss. - Very good. Follow me.

- Here's the two guys who... - Okay, okay...

Bertrand Malou and Roland X.

- What's the X for? - X is for...

No, Count...

- What did you say? - I said, Count.

Sometimes I call him Count in private.

It's rather odd, the X, the Count...

What's your opinion, moron?

Very odd...

Get out of here!

Wait!

Don't move.

This guy is perfect.

- Right, men? - Very good.

- Beautiful eyes... - Listen, I'm only an assistant butler.

I don't sleep with the boss.

Don't be mistaken, Pirate Joe isn't a fag.

I have other reasons for being interested in you.

- May I know them? - One thing at a time.

Do you know Loulou Laverne?

- No. - No.

It's the girl out there doing the ...

- Oh, that little slut! - She's my wife!

I've bought her a little house and I want you to keep an eye on her.

I'd like you to be her servants and her bodyguards. Is that clear?

Yes, sir. Of course, we agree.

Er... What about the money?

10,000 francs a month plus room and board. Is that alright with you?

Yes, sir, very good. When do we start?

- At once, if that works for you. - No problem, Mr Joe.

So go get your luggage and be back in an hour.

Here's the key to a white Ford. It's parked in front of the stage door.

- I'm entrusting you with the car. - Very good, sir.

- Wait for Loulou outside, okay? - Okay, sir.

And be on time. She's not very patient.

Understood. Thank you, sir.

That's it! That's it!

I got it! I got my stand-in!

- How are you, my darling? - Fine, hello...

So, 'Pirate' Joe condescends to visit me like in the old days.

Yes, darling, like in the old days.

Nothing has changed. I love you like I did on the first day.

It's sometimes nice to see the man you used to love again.

What do you want from me?

Don't try to bullshit me. I'm not up for it any more.

Why these nasty remarks?

Spill it.

Yes, you're right. Let's lay our cards on the table. I need your help.

I have just hired two morons to serve you and be your bodyguards.

- I don't need them. - I know.

You have to seduce the taller one.

- What do you mean by "seduce"? - To get him into your bed, of course.

And then?

Around three in the morning both of you have to be in the barn.

- In the barn? - You'll understand later.

Whatever, I don't care about your reasons. I just want some dough if I take this job.

- How much? - 25,000.

Okay, darling. It's a deal.

It must be important to you, if you don't argue with that amount.

Yes, it's important to me.

- I don't trust that guy. - Why? He's been kind to us.

He gave us a 3,000 francs in advance. Isn't that enough for you?

He's a gangster, I can tell.

Good evening, Madame.

- You're Roland? - Yes, Madame.

- You're better thanl... - Sorry, Madame?

Never mind. Get in the back of the car with me.

- But I don't know if your servant can... - My bodyguard can. Come...

As you wish, Madame.

To my house.

- Margina Street. - Of course, Madame.

It's quite hot today. Don't you agree?

Very hot.

- Do you like my dress? - Yes.

- It's cute. - I made it myself.

Apparently it wasn't too difficult. But the idea is crazy!

- I have lots of crazy ideas! - I can tell!

- Did you notice? - What?

My breasts are covered with glitter. Touch them...

I'm always left out. It's not fair!

Wait until we get home. You see, you'll get a nice surprise.

Be patient...

At least you won't be left out this time!

It appears there's a lot of fun ahead for both of us.

I think I'm going to enjoy my stay here.

- Will you come with me? - Yes.

Come with me, my big bad wolf.

Let's get your luggage and then I'll show you your room.

Oh yeah!

- Pour me two cocktails, please. - Two?

- Two. - As you wish, Madame.

- Thanks. - And the other one?

It's for you, stupid.

Cheers!

- Will you dance with me? - Yes, of course!

The richer they are, the smaller the servants' rooms.

Most of your time here will be spent in the house and garden.

What about the evenings?

In the evening you can come to my room if you want, and if you're sweet.

Really?

I rather like you. You're well built.

And rather well hung too.

That's fine with me.

The least one can say is the women in this house work fast!

That's funny. That guy looks like Al Capone.

It is Al Capone.

And the boy? That's his son?

No. His nephew.

How come...

... you have this picture here, so nicely framed?

It's perfectly normal.

- Normal? - Yes.

The boy in the picture is Joe.

If I've understood...

... then 'Pirate' Joe is my boss, your boss ...

... and Al Capone's nephew, too?

Exactly. Why should that matter to you?

Sorry, but a bullet in the belly matters to me!

What if he finds us here dancing together?

The fact that Al Capone is his Godfather...

The Godfather! What a frightening movie!

Saying the title alone gives me the creeps!

I'm sorry, darling ...

... the night was looking good, but you have to put yourself in my shoes.

I like you, but I don't want to find my friend Malou decapitated in his bed.

- Oh, come on, silly boy... - I'm not silly at all!

What makes you think that my Joe might harm you?

Look at his ugly mug! I don't need a gypsy fortune teller to know my future.

You know, him and his women...

Some guys look like big machos and all, ...

... when in fact ...

What? Him? You mean he's a...

- No! - Yes!

With a face like that?

You think I would stand here naked in your arms if there were any danger?

- Is there someone else here? - Are you nuts?

You can see we're all alone.

To whom were you signaling?

- Don't lie, I saw you! - Come on!

When I'm aroused by a handsome man like you I have some tics. It's just nerves.

It's crazy how many people have nervous tics in this movie!

Come... my love.

Come... come... my darling!

Go away! Scram!

Go away! Get out!

What's the matter with you?

Blame it on the excitement.

- I'm so excited... - I would say nervous...

Is it because you're afraid of him?

You're afraid he may come barging in here and pump us full of lead?

No, no, I swear... I swear, we're completely safe.

- Come to me, my love... - No!

Just a moment. Wait here, darling.

Go to hell, you bastards!

Come, my love...

Come, my big bear, give me all you've got.

Oh, my teddy bear...

Now you can sleep in peace.

You, come with me.

Well, there's a nice pair of sluts!

Darling, tell our handsome Apollo ...

... about 'Pirate' Joe's sexual preferences.

Oh, Joe? But he's a fag!

You see? He's okay with me having sex with men he knows.

That's why he hired you.

Perhaps, but that picture puts me off.

And now?

Bring me another Scotch.

Please massage me. I need to relax.

- They're supposed to go to the barn now! - Yeah, I know...

- Who screamed? - It was me, my love.

I always scream when I'm coming.

Continue...

"GO TO THE BARN!"

To the barn!

- What? What did you say? - To the barn?

- Why? It's more comfortable here. - We must go there!

What a strange idea...

Tell them why!

To have sex in a ...

... a more primitive way.

It will be more bestial in the straw!

What a wonderful idea! It's the perfect place for a threesome!

- What are we supposed to do now? - Listen. You take care of the fat one.

As we agreed, I'll wait for the boss in the garden.

The word now is caution and efficiency.

You never had sex in straw?

No, never.

You don't know what you're missing, my darling. You'll see...

... how good it is to have sex with straw tickling your ass.

Come on, let's go. Quick!

And you? Have you had sex in the straw?

Oh la la, those sluts!

Water tastes like shit!

Now we have thieves! That's the last straw! Shit!

They're not thieves, they're voyeurs!

You want to see something, bastards!

Ah, yes, both of you!

So you like it?

I love it! It's wonderful ...

... with the straw tickling us!

It's wonderful!

Well, bastard, ...

... that's the last time we cross paths. I'm fed up with you.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Bastard! You're disgusting!

Hello?

Hello?

Police?

I want to talk to an Inspector, please.

Shit!

I'm still thirsty!

What are you doing in here? You were supposed to be waiting outside.

He's asleep. What a moron!

What's this gas can doing here?

This place is a mess.

Again! That guy is persistent, but I'm going to nail him permanently this time!

Hey, where's the can?

Stop this nonsense, moron!

Give me my can!

This time, my friend, you're good for a long night's sleep!

Shit! So there were two guys!

Voyeurs grow like mushrooms around here!

Hey! Do you hear that?

- It sounds like a police car siren. - You've seen too many movies, my darling.

You imagine mobsters and cops everywhere.

Another one!!

Did they distribute leaflets for a sound and light show, or what!

As a bodyguard, I have my duty!

I swear, Inspector, I really didn't know it was my boss peeping!

It's very good, my boy. You've done your duty as an honest citizen.

If you see any more voyeurs, don't hesitate to call us again!

Let's go, Joe.

This time, we caught you with your hand in the bag.

You'll be convicted for an armed attack on a private property.

You're facing serious charges.

You're a dead duck!

Have a nice trip!

I don't get it. I knock out my boss and the police congratulate me.

Well, speaking of mobsters... what time is it?

- Nine o' clock. - Nine o' clock?

Then I think it's pointless to stay here any longer.

Why this sudden change of heart?

You were so insistant that we come here earlier.

Well, it was fun for a while, but I think we'll be more comfy in my room now.

- Alright? - Let's go then.

She was so adorable.

We remained prisoners of that devilish woman for seven days and seven nights.

But at the end of the seventh day we had to return to the fold.

My wife had already returned from Japan.

And for the whole evening ...

... I had to escort her on a painful tour of Parisian sex-shops.

She was in heaven, contemplating a sex wave engulfing the entire world, ...

... as if the P.S.A. had invented eroticism.

Have a seat.

- I'm ready. - Okay, take notes, darling.

First, we need 100 dildos like this one.

- It's selling well, isn't it? - Very well, we're always out of stock.

Especially the latest model, the one with moveable testicles.

Yes...

And then?

Then we need 500 copies of the last annual of Zob-Zob magazine.

Our customers always exhaust our stock in a few hours.

On the other hand, condoms...

Sales have declined?

To their lowest.

Except for the model with the tickling liquid.

It's a real success.

- Let's say a thousand? - Okay, a thousand.

- And the vibrators? - A complete flop.

We have a new model, a very interesting one.

With a propeller.

Let's try it. It might work.

Let's say 150.

How much does it cost?

100 francs. 150 francs for the tourniquet model.

It's completely different.

Okay, and let's add 150 hydraulic models, too.

Do you have some novelties?

That's the surprise of the day!

As you will see, it's a marvellous invention.

Just a moment.

What's so extraordinary about it?

That's cute. I like it.

I'll take 100.

The Countess leaves for the U.S. tomorrow, doesn't she?

- Yes, apparently. - The Count is staying here?

- Of course. - I have a job for you, Count.

Some charming Canadians. A high-class family.

The mother and daughter are beautiful, and the maid is simply smashing!

You could have a good time with them.

- What about you? You're not coming? - I can't, I'm going to get married, Count.

- My fianc�e just arrived from Karnak. - So you fell into the trap, too!

Just another cunt. Oh, sorry, Count.

My best wishes to you, Malou. I hope you'll be very happy with her.

Thank you, Count. So, will you take the job with the Canadians?

Why not? It has to be less boring than staying here.

And that's how I fell into the hands of that detestable family...

... where even the father had the most sordid lust towards my poor person.

It has been, until now, my last adventure.

- Good morning, Count. - What time is it?

Nearly noon. Your wife is back. She didn't want to wake you.

- She's in the library. - In the library?

Shit! I forgot to hide my memoirs.

- The green notebook? - Yes.

- I'm afraid she's reading it now. - Shit! Shit!

Come in. Come in, darling.

- You... you read this? - Yes!

It's not entirely true, darling...

But it's terrific! It will be the best-seller of the year!

Are you crazy? You don't intend to publish my memoirs?

It's too intimate, too private.

You must be joking! It will be the ideal complement to the films!

The films? What films?

I'm sorry. Did you call me?

Come in, Malou. This involves you, too.

Thanks to the films you've become very popular, darling.

You're the number one male porn star.

Ahead of Linda Lovelace and Tina Russell at the box-office.

It's not true!

I turned you into a star. The sexiest man in the world.

How did you manage to shoot all those pictures?

Everything was staged and set up by me, with Malou's help.

Judas! And the girls?

- I paid them. - The mob guys, too?

No, he was an amateur. We had to improvise with him.

How did you manage to put all this sordid filth on film?

Very simple. The camera was hidden behind one-way mirrors.

- It's a trick as old as the hills. - That's why you put on that farce, ...

- ... with the certificates and the examination. - Of course.

To give you the urge to make love during my absence.

You're a slut!

Come, darling, hurry...

Come on, darling. Quickly... Don't worry, the film series is finished.

- You swear? You're sure? - Yes, darling.

Good!