Original subtitles

In Hamburg, the population is preparing for massive flooding.

Similar situations in Great Britain, Greece and in Russia.

An anticyclone approaching the Azores archipelago on the Atlantic.

Low pressure systems and high-altitude cold air pockets...

To my two sons

A local phenomenon, yet weather is unstable everywhere.

Artic temperatures in Peru...

Hi, Didier.

- What's he doing? - Get lost!

We said move it!

On the rag again, Lecurse?

Love you, I'm on my way.

I promise I'll tell them.

Well?

I came to tell you...

Yes?

Antoine!

Water, please.

I can't get it up.

Laetitia, I didn't see you.

- Hi, Boss. - One sec.

What's this I hear? Matthieu's agent said he never got the contracts.

Did you send them?

Get on it! Now! I want a delivery boy.

Sorry, doc. I'm paralyzed with fear.

I'm afraid to sleep with my wife. I invent migraines!

- I can't do cunni forever! - Excuse me?

Cunnilingus!

What's the deal, now you're eavesdropping?

I'm afraid she'll catch on. If she does, I'm dead.

We argue nonstop when we fuck, so if we don't...

It's all over.

Ivan Lenoire Illegitimate & Illicit

Coming!

Ivan Lenoire?

- Yes. - Fanny Galice, officer of justice.

Justice... I love justice.

- Go on, men. - Take it all!

Suits me fine.

Here. That's done.

There you go. Make yourselves at home.

Dad?

When did you wash last?

Why bother?

Excuse me, Mrs. Lecomte.

I'll only be a minute.

Don't worry, just a bit of fever.

- Think your mom could babysit? - I can't ask another favor.

I know, but I had 3 massages and we're broke.

- Sorry. - Okay, I'll manage.

I'll let you go.

Love you.

Watch out!

Are you crazy? Look before you pull out!

You ride like that with a baby?

You guys think you own the road! Get rid of the bike!

Get rid of the bike?

Okay, I'll get rid of the bike!

Look, I'm getting rid of it! Fuck! It's gone!

Look, it's gone! Look!

Stop. Stop it! Be quiet, shit!

- Camille? - The wedding?

- I'm leaving you. - Don't.

Can we back-pedal... Month end...

- End of world... - New cases...

Hundreds of elephants found dead...

Mister, what's going on?

Message No. 4 is a little smiley blowing a kiss.

What's that mean? A peck on the cheek? I still love you?

It could be anything. I hate that smiley.

Yes! Yes!

My man!

Hello, gentlemen.

Hello. Welcome.

- Thank you. - First off, there's a form to sign.

Here.

- A simple pact. - What kind of form?

I'll answer your questions afterwards.

- Sorry for the inconvenience. - Thanks.

But I have no choice.

- Who needs a pen? - Me.

Did you have a nice trip?

In my field, "pact" means "confidentiality clause."

Noncompliance means jail.

What happens here stays here.

Who are you anyhow? Where's the coach?

For the record, next train is tomorrow evening.

- May I? - Help yourself.

- Thank you. - Can I borrow your back too?

I hope it's not a sect.

Here. Children can participate too?

- I thought it was men only. - Fuck you, I'm 18.

I think he answered you.

I'll take my pens back.

Perfect. We can go.

- Ma'am, are you parked far? - Sorry, I don't have a car.

I don't even drive.

So we're walking? Is it far?

- I hope you have raincoats. - The exit's back there.

MEN ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Only one horse?

Hey, kid.

Kid!

Wait a sec. Hang on.

Look, I'll give you 20 euros to carry my suitcase.

Forty.

You drive a hard deal.

Here, you owe me ten.

And we walk behind like dumb slaves.

You said it.

- You noticed too? - Yeah.

- They said no phones. - I'm putting it away.

Hello, sweetheart.

Goddamn.

Hello, sweetheart. First day in the woods.

The adventure is starting. I already feel like a new man.

Call me back whenever you like, I'm free.

Otherwise, I'll call you. Love you.

Love?

- Can I bum a cig? - Sorry, I stopped smoking.

You've got a cigarette in your mouth.

Reminds me of my scout days. Summer camp.

- Not in the water! - I don't want wet shoes.

Shit!

No way, shit.

What do you think?

Can you just throw 15 years as a couple out the window?

I'm the wrong person to ask.

It smells nice here.

What do you call "not far"?

We've come halfway.

Halfway? You're joking, right?

It's been two hours. You have a horse!

I came here to relax, not die. I'm out of here!

You'll never find the way.

Goodbye, losers.

We can't leave him alone, he'll get lost. He's old.

He'll be back in exactly five seconds.

Fucking hell! There's a wolf! I saw a wolf!

- A wolf's coming! - A wolf?

- It was right there. - Cool.

Careful, this is their turf.

Stay in a group and they won't attack.

Maybe there's a pack. Hey scout...

Get behind, your backpack will protect you.

No problem... I'll bring up the rear.

- Yeah, that's it. - Good luck.

It came right out in the open.

It stared me in the eye.

- Did it charge? - No, it crossed the path.

Fuck. It crossed the path.

Hot, cold, hot, cold...

We'll catch our death.

Excuse me! Is the coach waiting for us?

Coach, doctor, shrink...

- I'm Coach Omega. - What?

Pleased to meet you.

You should see your faces.

I myself don't mind...

but others might.

That's true.

You don't talk the same way to a man.

I don't get it, did I miss something?

Omega is a woman.

I signed up for a men only workshop.

I don't need a chick giving me orders, I've got my mom.

Who'd have come if you'd known?

8One.

Two.

And a half?

2.5 out of 7.

That's right.

Come on, let's step up the pace.

Step up the pace... No cowgirl will order me around.

I'll damn well walk at my own speed.

I don't mind

but it could've been more explicit.

A contract should be upheld.

Article 121 of the Consumer Code.

What the hell?

- I told you. I told you! - We need to step up the pace.

Go have fun.

THEY'RE HAPPY

Here you are!

"They're happy"?

Oh, I get it.

- Stupid play on words. - Here we are.

There's nothing.

- "Nothing"? Let the word resonate. - Nothing.

Nothing.

- Nothing. - Nothing.

- The air's pure. - Follow me.

A slum and a trash dump.

The rooster looks like my neighbor Robert!

You have trees. Nature all around.

- And plenty of recycling material. - Only one tent?

Hey, I'm hungry.

First you build a campsite, then you eat.

We're been walking for five hours! We're starving.

- Trust me. - Oh shit! This is inhuman.

Be creative, inventive and use anything you find.

- Let's go. - Come on, men.

It's empty.

Terribly empty. Frighteningly empty.

There's no signal.

Hang on.

Please.

- Tell me there's WiFi. - I'm sorry, this is a black zone.

- No way. - What?

- I have a law firm. - I have to call my wife.

Please, gentlemen, a bit of humility.

I promise, the world will turn without you.

It's only four days. Everything's going to be fine.

You're right.

No electricity either?

To reconnect you must disconnect.

No problem, I'm already there.

It's the principle of the workshop. Why not play along?

C'mon, let's be positive.

Isn't it nice here? The air's pure, we're together.

Put the cow away, it can't stay there!

Where's the toilet?

- Anywhere in the nature. - No dry toilets?

Dry toilets? No. But you can build some.

- I'll help you. - Let's go.

Place two poles vertically.

- I'll tie them. - Hold on tight.

- Too high. - Three men hold, one ties.

Like a hut.

Lay them on the ground.

He's right, lay them down.

- Like this. - Why are you the boss?

It's not to sit on.

- Drop it. - You got it?

- Two beds on either side. - Don't wear yourself out.

Maybe a chamber pot?

No smoking in the yurt.

- It's not kindling wood, it's a base. - A base for what?

Look.

A fire table, a BBQ.

You're making a wooden BBQ?

That's a great idea. Just great...

Not bad, guys.

- Not bad at all. - Can we sit?

Not yet!

Are you crazy?

Oh fuck! I cut myself! No, I'm fine.

Oh shit, yes I did!

You okay?

Dining room.

China closet.

Fire table.

My last cigarettes!

There we go.

A nice sink.

Gentlemen, we should be proud.

God created the world in seven days. We only needed hours.

Who'd have thought?

What's for lunch?

There's a permaculture vegetable patch.

The plants protect each other without pesticides.

Fruit trees, wild berries and 1,500 hectares of forest.

I'll take a look.

Go on. Go on, Michel.

- I'm Antoine. - Oh sorry, Antoine.

A potato.

You're bleeding again?

I'm hungry.

We'll make an omelet.

A Spanish omelet.

With handpicked potatoes.

- Excuse me. - No problem.

I need a drink. Wine, beer, rubbing alcohol... anything.

Oh shit!

Gentlemen, don't move or make any noise. We have a visitor.

- A snake. - Yeah, I saw.

- There. - Oh shit.

I asked it to leave.

What d'you mean?

- I talk to animals. - Aren't you a psychiatrist?

Since when do shrinks talk to animals?

I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die.

I need a drink or I'll die!

Ivan, we all have natural antidepressants.

When you're scared, you breathe to calm down.

It's exactly the same for withdrawal.

Inhale.

Exhale. That's it.

- What's she giving him? - Herb tea, probably.

I'll be right back.

Snakes and she splits?

They could come back any time!

She's off to a homeowners' meeting with the wolves.

- Sorry. - No problem.

So we just wait for her.

I see.

What...

It's Belphegor.

Belphegor.

It's Carnival time in the backwoods.

Jesus.

To be perfectly honest, you scared me.

- Yeah, me too. - You too?

Between the drums...

and the screams...

I was afraid you'd slit my throat.

Gentlemen, your talking stick.

He who holds it speaks.

I want you to share why you're here in one sentence.

Hippolyte.

Okay, fine. For me, it'll be quick.

My daughter tricked me into coming.

So...

I don't like those hands all over me.

We'd be accused of sexual harassment.

So, no idea why I'm here and I want to hit the sack.

Your turn.

Easy does it, Ivan.

You all know why I'm here. Next.

- My name is Fire Man and I'm here... - What?

Fire Man... Fire Man.

You serious?

What's your nickname, Pierre, Paul?

- No stick, no talk. - Sorry.

The ritual is sacred.

A nightingale.

- He agrees with me. - Of course.

Why are you here, Fire Man?

It was this...

or a shrink.

My name is Antoine.

- My husband wants to leave me. - Your husband?

"Men only" means...

Fire, who has the stick?

I'm done.

Thanks.

My name is Noé.

And I think

I'm here to...

channel my energy.

That's great. Bravo.

Thank you, Noé.

I'm Romain and this is not for me.

I can't do this. I thought it was about personal development

and we're here playing drums...

I...

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of...

I don't like grass or the nature.

I'm afraid of snakes and wolves.

Thank you. What's your story, Michel?

I don't have one.

- We all have a story. - Not me.

You're courageous.

You're all very courageous.

You're here because you're unhappy, like most of us,

but you want to change.

Tonight, we peeled the first layer of the onion.

Congratulations.

What's that? You mean we could've come by car?

Where you going?

Who's that?

Yourgos, my man. He's an angel.

Tomorrow morning, washed, dressed and wide awake at 6 am.

- 6 am? - No way!

Don't forget the dishes! Just kidding.

Right, show off. In our faces.

Wait.

At three, we run back to camp.

We stay in a group.

One, two, three!

Go, go, go! In a group, I'll bring up the rear!

This is your fault!

You were rude so she called the wolves.

- It's your fault. - Calm down, kids.

She talks to animals, my ass.

- I don't talk to babies. - I'm no baby.

- Hey, stop. - No more talk about her.

- Is the door shut? - Quiet, please.

I'll check.

Unless they know the code, we're safe.

Anyone have a water flask?

Here.

I was going to piss outside, but not now.

Piss in my flask?

- I'll rinse it out. - No way, that's gross!

- It's bacteria free. - I'm not drinking your piss!

Pass it over when you're done. I'm not going outside.

- Me too. - So my flask is the john.

- Time to switch off the lights. - No, don't.

At least one. Oh, fuck.

What's that?

Silence!

Shut the fuck up!

- Moron. - I don't believe it.

- What was it? - Bunch of wackos.

Button it, Robert.

Please meet my two dogs, Yuki & Miki. They came to lend a hand.

- We said up and ready at 6 am. - Shit!

Get lost, dog.

I'm glad to see you're motivated.

Sorry, ouch! Sorry, Coach.

- Fucking hell! - My abs are killing me.

- In the shower! - I can't move.

- Yes, you can move. - No, I can't.

Sore muscles remind you that you have a body.

Don't make me laugh.

- I'm dying. - Hang on a sec, you!

He sleeps outside tonight. You got nasty digestive issues.

And your tennies stink.

- It's cause of you we didn't sleep. - Me?

- Your gadget. - You know what this is?

It's for sleep apnea, dummy. I could die without it.

I couldn't sleep cause of Michel and Hippolyte.

You guys sound like 747s. All night long.

Knock it off. Michel, maybe.

- I don't snore. - You don't snore?

- Yes, Hippolyte, you do. - You snore.

A little noise like this...

That's exactly it.

And at the end it's like...

That's it. That's exactly it.

I slept with my wife for 40 years. She'd have told me.

- We didn't last one night. - She takes sleeping pills.

- No. - Earplugs.

She wore earplugs for the garbage truck at 5 am.

The garbage truck is in your nose.

Don't make me laugh.

Your wife must love you.

I don't have one. She died.

Anyone offers condolences, I'll slug his face.

Got it?

My condolences, Hippolyte.

A tiny "plop"!

Let's go.

Too old.

Excused.

I hear you.

What's he doing?

- Hey, get lost! - Skinny-dipping are we? Good idea.

Anyone got the time?

It's a perfect time to die.

Here we go.

I'm King of the World!

I'm gonna puke first. It'll be cleaner.

- He won't jump. - It's alright.

No problem.

- I'm gonna go. - Good, Elliot.

- Okay, I'm going. - Go on.

I am. I'm going.

- He's not going. - Who's the baby?

- Did you jump? - No, not yet.

- We're waiting. - I hate insects but I love water.

Go, Romain!

- Jump far from the edge. - Naturally.

- Go on. - I am.

- I'm watching. - Okay.

- Fantastic. - I'm going dressed. I'll dry in the sun.

- Want me to count to three? - No, thanks.

My heart's palpitating!

- It's done it all morning. - I...

- My mouth is dry and I can't breathe. - Michel, listen.

- You're afraid. - Yes, I'm afraid.

80% of our fears are nothing.

They're creations of our imaginations and minds.

Look your fear in the eye...

Holy shit.

Bravo, Michel!

Give him a round of applause.

Good job, Michel!

Water's great!

Come on!

You show off, but no one's jumping.

Michel had nothing to lose.

You all have strong survival instincts.

That's good news.

And maybe Michel is happier to be alive.

It's fabulous.

Playtime with earthworms!

Hold your horses, what earthworms?

There we go.

You're magnificent.

- So are you. - Thank you.

- Upon your lovely words, goodbye. - No, you can't leave!

Hey, if I knew you were leaving, I'd have said no!

Vultures, they attack the eyes.

- What? - Don't you know?

- This is a criminal act! - We're helpless.

- There're insects! - Breathe deeply.

- We're stuck in the dirt. - Help, there's a wasp.

Little beasts don't eat big ones.

- I'm thirsty. - Fuck.

- I need to pee. - Me too.

- I've peed for hours. - That's it.

- I'm pissing. - Me too.

I'm empty.

Where did we go wrong to end up here?

I'm gonna have a stroke.

I'm fainting.

I'm such an idiot. What am I doing here?

The site clearly stated that the principle...

I let myself be buried alive by a psychopath!

And I paid for it. I don't believe it.

She's not a psychopath, she's creative.

In the USA, there're 300 cases a year of castration.

Some broad cut her guy's dick off and flushed it down the toilet.

But he called the water company and they brought it back.

He got it sewn back on. True story.

You can get it sewn back on!

- Why bring that up? - It's my nighttime phobia.

I can't feel it anymore.

You know what, guys?

You know what we're doing? Creating memories.

Fabulous memories.

For the first time, I feel like I'm with family.

No, Michel.

This won't make nice memories.

It's better than state custody.

You never had a foster home?

Sure, but never longer than one week.

I scared them.

I get anxiety attacks.

It makes people uncomfortable...

so they didn't keep me.

I've always been alone.

You must have friends?

No.

Colleagues? What about colleagues?

We say hello and goodbye. Sometimes not even.

But here, I feel good.

With you all, in the nature.

It's funny, I'm always underground and it feels awful.

And here, it's great.

Think she'll come back?

I think she's hiding in the rocks, spying on us,

waiting for us to break down.

- She's screwed because we won't. - Cause we're men!

- What's the link? - Won't break down...

To the end! Right, guys?

Don't think of David Bowie as Major Celliers.

Shut the fuck up, would you?

I felt good but not anymore.

Why didn't you tell me I snored?

- Why didn't you... - Don't think of David Bowie...

Don't think of Bowie...

- Shut up! - How's the film end?

David Bowie dies! 3rd degree burns!

I'm thirsty!

Coach is coming.

She's here.

- Get me out. - We're here! We didn't move!

Water... I'm thirsty.

Go, my friend. Go live your life.

Unearth us!

I can't do this. I'll be back.

Was humiliation the goal?

- You guys feel better? - Worse than ever.

- No, not at all. - I want to be home, in my own bed.

I'm fed up.

Are you married?

Not married, but I've been in a relationship for a few years.

We have a child.

What about you, do you date?

A while back...

I missed the last metro. I was at a concert that ended...

kind of late.

I was in the red light district.

So, uh... I saw a pretty woman with red hair.

So I thought...

why not try?

- Yeah, sure. - So...

I paid her.

That in itself was... awkward.

Then...

after I paid her, I thought she'd take me somewhere warm.

Someplace cozy. But...

she said, "No, it's right here.

"Right here...

"on the sidewalk."

So...

I didn't...

I didn't really like it so I wanted to stop.

But since I'd paid...

she kind of forced me.

And that was...

my only sexual relation.

It wasn't at all like I imagined.

Did you know that hugs are good for your health?

No.

When you give someone a hug,

it releases a hormone called oxytocin.

- Oxyto... - Oxytocin. The happy hormone.

Not easy to say.

Say "happy hormone." Sappy homer...

Happy hormone.

It calms stress and gives you a sensation of well-being.

It's great for the immune system too.

You should do it five times a day. Five fruits and veggies, and five hugs.

Not bad.

Want to try?

- Okay. - Come here.

We move closer. Like this...

and you hug me.

It has to last 20 seconds to work.

- Easy does it. Easy, Michel. - Sorry.

Reminds me of scouts.

Fond memories of hiking and making friends.

- Really. - We'd sing around the campfire.

That's good. Twenty seconds.

Why do you need to channel?

- You can let me go now. - Okay.

I didn't know apples were juicy.

- I never eat them, but they're not bad. - And I'm eating fucking seeds.

I want steak, veal and rack of lamb. We're not herbivores!

Go hunt.

Go yourself.

- I'm trying to cut down on meat. - Me too.

I'm a vegan!

Don't you get it?

- You got grandkids? - Yes.

Be happy some of us care about their future.

Soup's ready.

Soup!

Where's he going? What's he doing?

- Pretty birdie... - The rooster...

Come here, you.

- Hippolyte, you won't get far like that. - Wrong method.

- He's too old. - He's faster than you.

The creature's got spunk.

- Screwballs. - Look at his face.

- He'll never catch it. - Pretty birdie!

- Let him be, keeps him busy. - He'll never catch it.

They taught us a method in scout camp...

- Give me some seeds. - They're for us.

What're you doing?

- It's against the law! - It's a household pet.

- Don't do it, Hippolyte! - It's Coach's rooster.

It's against the law!

- You okay? - I can't take it.

One plucks, another guts.

- He killed it? - Don't thank me.

That was shameful.

Did you kill Robert? Did he?

- I prefer when you smile. - They're widows, like you. Good job!

Calm down.

He's whistling.

I see why no one kept him. They adopt a kid and got a bird.

Why'd you baptize it anyhow?

You know what? You're a bitter, self-centered old fart.

You've spoiled our stay from the start. Murderer!

Leave me alone.

- So that's an attack. - Stay with me.

Poor guy.

- You okay, Michel? - Just fine.

- It's over. - Did you see that?

With this diet, my bowel movements have never been so regular.

Lucky you, me it's the opposite.

I'll have a blueberry.

- You okay? - I don't know, I feel...

- Hang on. - Is he sick?

- I'll give him a cardiac massage. - Who says it's his heart?

We're stuck here, can't even call 911.

You okay, kid?

I'll check his pulse.

I feel weird too.

- I feel funny too. - You sick?

- I'm not okay. - What's wrong?

I think I'm going to die.

I'm not okay.

- It's Grandma. - Where?

- But she died two years ago. - I'm wondering about the herb tea.

Kiddo, did you drink herb tea?

- Why does he say that? - Romain, did you drink some?

Michel, what's in the soup?

- Carrots, leeks, mushrooms... - What?

Mushrooms are serious business.

- Some death caps look edible. - We're gonna die!

What'd you feed us?

Gentlemen, we've eaten hallucinogens.

- Holy shit. - I hear the grass growing.

I'm in plant mode, a dandelion is growing out of my ear.

- You see? - It's parsley.

- But I'm not panicking, don't panic. - I ate magic mushrooms.

Can you hear that?

My heart's growing in my neck.

- You're so handsome. - Thank you. Lie down, guys.

It's hailing! You're nuts!

Seek shelter!

We're gonna die!

- Puke before it's too late. - My daughter made me smoke dope.

That stuff doesn't work on me.

I was hungry.

I didn't want to hurt you, Robert.

Guys, we have to bury him.

I see his soul flying away.

Tears are warm.

I'd forgotten.

I didn't cry a single one

when my wife died.

I didn't even tell her I loved her.

I'm pathetic.

- No. - Yes, I am.

It's all pathetic.

- We'll sing for our dead. - For Robert too.

- For Robert. - And the others who've passed.

What do we sing?

So beautiful.

We didn't sleep much. First a funfair, then a snoring concerto

and everything else.

I have a headache.

My stomach hurts. I've been blocked up since I got here.

"Blocked." Let the word resonate.

Blocked.

Stop, it's not funny.

It's like a rock inside me.

- Hi. - Hi, Noé.

No, I'm fine.

Top form.

Raring to go.

Stop it.

Noé, are you a singer?

- Not at all. - You got a helluva voice.

- Thanks, that's nice. - No, it's true.

Really?

Even opera... I love opera. You should try.

You hear that?

- You got a voice. - I got a voice!

Sure I'm not bothering you?

Some tea or cookies?

That would be great.

Let's go.

She is truly...

She is truly exceptional!

It's hot in here.

Imagine you're inside Mother Earth's womb.

And she's talking to you.

Listen to her.

Fuck, it's hot.

I'm suffocating.

It's like a microwave. Any second now it'll go "beep."

That's it, we're cooked.

Like a...

chicken-pot-pie.

Michel, you should take your jacket off.

Who cares about his jacket? We need rest.

We need rest, a little rest.

- I can't take anymore. - Express yourself, let it all out.

I am expressing myself!

- Keep talking. - But I said everything.

- I'm tired. - I understand.

- I need to get out. - It'll be okay.

I still haven't found a solution...

Shut him up, I can't take any more of his stomach problems.

- Cut the girlie crap. - What's your problem with girls?

Girls are... they sit there...

they always have to... it's always complicated...

they talk...

- I don't get a word. - Me either.

- Let him talk. - That idiot.

- Go on. - I'm done.

No, carry on.

You want to know? They never shut up.

Kind of like you.

Seriously.

- Bravo, Fire. - Shut up!

- Stop, Elliot. - Wake up, dudes!

Shut your fucking face!

Shut your face!

- Noé, stop! - Shit, his nose is bleeding.

Here, take this.

Press down.

You're bleeding.

Noé, look what you did.

You okay?

You'll be okay.

You're fine.

Sorry, guys.

Sorry.

I like that better. That's good.

Let's be honest, we've all wanted to slug him once.

Twice.

After a while, it's legitimate defense.

You think it's easy?

You think it's easy for me to be 18

and look like I'm 13?

Every day at school

people tease me and insult me.

And I can't do shit because...

I'm an adult in a kid's body and it'll never change.

No reason to insult women and gays.

- He's right. - It's a jungle out there.

It's precisely cause of jerks like you that I don't want to adopt.

That's enough.

Want people to accept you? Then accept them! And yourself.

That was interesting, Antoine.

Accept others and accept yourself.

We'll slowly form the circle again.

- The kid's nose is bleeding. - I'm done being polite!

I'm fed up of your beatnik thing. My stomach hurts.

- I'm sick. - Go out.

Water, water...

It's a shame, Antoine. But don't worry.

When one door closes, another opens.

- In the face sometimes. - A door opens?

- Forget it. - Lunch break.

Then we move on to the next activity.

You should try poetry.

Poetry?

- Does that work? - It sure does.

Some friendly advice.

What are you doing?

It's a wish tree.

I'm making a wish.

Me too.

I saw you there.

You're right, you don't channel well.

You're like me.

- I'm an asshole like my dad. - An asshole?

I knew assholes in homes. You're not.

Assholes like you would've changed my life.

So stop it.

My mom's still with him.

He treats her so bad.

I'm afraid for her.

Then kidnap her.

I'd like to.

But...

she'd rather die than leave her garden.

Noé...

Come here.

Well?

- Nothing? - No, nothing.

- Well? - A brick in my gut.

It's living hell.

- Not even a little turd? - Poor guy.

Let's pick some tomatoes.

Tomatoes are Feng Shui.

C'mon, let's make a wish.

Here, this is for your wish.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Noé.

It'll work, you'll see.

- Help me pick carrots? - No.

She's got her apartment, her kids,

the fathers of her kids who she adores,

her job, her sex toys...

What am I good for?

We men are good for nothing.

- Everybody knows that. - I disagree.

I fell in love for the first time at 50.

That's all. It makes you stupid.

- No, it doesn't. - Besides, as I grow older...

The machinery bugs.

- What? - Sometimes...

I go a teeny bit soft, out of the blue.

Suddenly it goes limp.

No big deal.

No big deal? I can guarantee you that usually...

But nothing's like usual.

When I have a teeny little erection, I'm having a good day.

- Ditto! - What d'you mean "ditto"?

- Join the club. - You too?

You're only thirty.

- Maybe it's andropause. - Andro...

- Andropause. - What's that?

Man-o-pause!

It's hormonal, a drop in testosterone.

- I have that? - Maybe.

- Maybe yes, maybe no. - First sign, erection difficulties.

It's not a big problem.

- A little problem nonetheless. - Like everyone.

Lower libido?

- Yeah, a little. - Mood swings?

What about...

Yep, the external oblique is coming out.

- Little love handles. - I work out but it won't go away.

He's got nothing.

I didn't have menopause, I have old age.

- That's worse. - Menopause is for women.

- Get a hormonal checkup. - I'm losing my hair too, everything.

- Get a checkup. - Why didn't my doctor tell me?

It's kind of a taboo subject.

As soon as we're done here, I'm getting a checkup.

- Get your checkup, but take my advice... - What?

Stop trying to control things.

Your life and your wife's. Trust an old fart, it feels good.

Let go.

I'm letting go! Let go...

I'm everywhere! I'm the air and the wind.

- Find the tiger inside you! - What the fuck?

- Find it! - Hey, this is grub time.

Gentle gazelle.

- We're wiped out. - I'm the snake.

What's this activity?

We're in for an hour of drums.

Hey, she ate the soup.

- All of it. - One bowl did me in.

- Mushrooms are nature. - You saw what nature did to us.

She's connected.

She's biting me! Stop it!

Catch her!

- Make a circle around her! - Coach!

- Easy does it. - Keep an equal distance.

I love you.

I love you all.

I feel you without your skyscrapers and roads.

The poison is suffocating me!

I'm going to die. I can't breathe.

- This has to stop. - It's okay, it's all over.

- Would you like to sit? - My love.

You've changed. You said goodbye and the light came back.

- Know who you are? - No.

- No? - Yes.

Yes.

No.

Yes.

Hurry to slow down.

Or else...

I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

So happy.

Hurry to slow down, okay?

It's getting late, don't you think?

It's time to go back, Coach.

- Sweetheart? - It's Cournos.

You crazy? Another workshop in September?

- Sweetheart. - Excuse me one sec.

What's in September? New York.

New York.

It's been two years.

We wait around while madam gives workshops.

I need a break too. Home schooling all day...

Garden, clean, cook, dig holes and never a word of thanks!

Digging holes is a fucking pain. I hate the nature!

Grass, trees, birds... I hate it all.

Birds chirping!

I want buildings, traffic, cars honking, pollution!

I want neon lights.

I want to eat with silverware.

But everything's for your men.

Your men...

But now you'll take care of your kids.

Remember, you have kids? Cause I'm out of here.

Come on.

- You should go. - Sure?

Yes, go on.

Tomorrow, 6 am on the dot!

- Have a nice evening. - Thank you, sir.

- Yourgos, what a name. - Pseudo-Greek.

Greek? Texan is more like it.

- Half-kebab half-taco. - You see his exhaust smoke?

Seriously, his car pollutes.

- Yourgos, zero percent. - Sounds like a subcompact.

"Yourgos, the electric 4-seater for nature outings."

Think he's Blue Book rated?

I'm in top form.

- Scout, what's up? - I'm too tired to care.

- Feels good to lie down. - Oh yeah.

I'm exhausted.

- Poor Omega must've gotten shit. - Yeah, poor girl.

I'm too tired to sleep.

Noé?

That song you sang

the other day.

- Who was that? - No one, it came to me.

- What do you mean? - Songs come to me sometimes.

- Seriously? - Can you sing it again?

Yeah, the song.

- Shut up, Darth Vader! - This is a mental ward.

No wonder his wife left. Guys, we gotta act.

This isn't nice.

Everyone ready?

Pot?

Boxer shorts?

- Knife? - Yeah, I got it.

Balloon?

Go!

Say goodbye to your dick.

Never gonna sew this one back on!

Bon voyage!

Gonna let us sleep?

Yes, yes.

Bunch of morons.

Hey, it's noon.

Where's Coach?

- Every damn muscle aches. - Boy, did I sleep.

You'll fry.

It's not the beach, but still...

Fire Man.

- I like this song too. - It's my mom's fave.

Undoing a button?

Still nothing?

I'm gonna give birth.

The idea...

of going back to Paris tomorrow

and being stuck underground...

I'm already having an anxiety attack.

Michel.

You know how to garden?

No, but...

I could learn.

I have a huge house in Normandy.

I haven't touched the garden in six months. I'm lost, it's beyond bad.

You interested?

Yes.

- Really? - Oh, yes.

- You're saving my neck. - You're saving mine too.

How cool. It's great.

I didn't realize, the solution was before my eyes.

- Shake? - Shake what?

- Shake? - Milkshake?

No, a contract. You shake on a contract.

We're in business. Shake.

But I pay with food vouchers. 300 euros.

- No, I'm joking. - I'll draft the contract.

- No problem. - Yes, of course.

Don't worry, I know labor law.

It's not labor, Michel, it's fun. We'll play every day.

- It's hard work. - Doesn't scare me.

My garden isn't too hard.

The plants are tall, you never have to bend down.

Shit, classy.

He's tall, strong, he's got hair on his chest and a big house in Normandy.

You're a real winner.

- Yeah, if you like. - And a gardener too.

Shit, I can't stand this.

Maybe it's like hiccups. If I scare you... you shit?

No, not at all. Won't work.

Idiot, it doesn't work like that.

I don't care, I got a gardener.

You know, Noé, for your mother...

A garden... can be moved.

Contact deleted

Hippolyte?

- Your turn? - Not unless it's a woman massaging.

Breathe.

Isn't this great?

Hanging loose!

Why do you guys say that?

There she is, let's clean up.

- Am I seeing things or did a kid drive? - So now we babysit?

I'm telling you frankly, I can't.

- There's five of them. - Five kids?

- What's up? - We have a problem.

We don't know what to do.

- Mom's acting weird. - And Daddy left.

It's heartache. Believe me, I know.

We'll take care of the kids.

Sure.

- We can't leave the kids alone. - C'mon.

Hey, kiddo, that doesn't smell great.

I don't know how you do it.

Putting your hands in it.

Babies are never dirty.

- I'll help you. - Yeah, take him.

He doesn't like me.

Come with me.

You know, I've been thinking...

wouldn't Michel rather have had two dads than none at all?

- I couldn't adopt. - Why not?

I don't fit the image.

Other than

being taunted at school.

Kids all have their troubles.

Besides...

I can't do that to my parents.

It'd kill them.

The marriage alone...

So to make your man happy, you have to adopt.

But if you do, you'll hurt your parents.

Is that it?

And you?

What do you want?

Look at Antoine the scout.

What'll we do with him?

What should Antoine do? Adopt or not?

Adopt me, Antoine the scout.

My mother is crazy.

She's crazy, she buries people.

- She makes them jump... - Hang on.

Geez.

I think I'm good. 7.3 on the Richter scale.

Oh my god, pure bliss. I'd stopped hoping.

Oh shit! True happiness!

- Play with me. - No.

- Why are you pouting? - Because I'm a man.

- When one door closes... - When one door opens...

- When one door is open... - When one door closes...

...you need to open it.

You don't believe me?

You need to open the door first...

No, when a door opens, I mean closes... another opens.

One door needs to close...

- I prefer being a girl. - You're very right.

When one door closes, another opens.

When a door opens, you need to close it.

- One closes, another opens. - One door opens...

One closes, another opens.

- When one door opens... - No, closes...

When one door closes, open it?

She's gone.

- We pretend we have a plan. - Over there!

Foul!

It's better to pull bandages off in one go.

So, I have some bad news...

I killed Robert.

- Michel, you're with us. - I didn't see.

- Work the perineum! - Special dedication to nature.

I want to visit New York and see buildings too!

I remember a guy who said...

noise makes us forget and silence lets us remember.

That's neat, huh?

Unless you really don't want to remember.

Just an idea.

Referee!

Give her a card!

Red card!

She's our best player.

I feel much better.

I'm alive again.

There were halogen mushrooms in the soup.

Nice purée, Hippolyte.

- I'm impressed. - I got a purée-elbow.

The kids will love it.

- For a last day, we're doing good. - Yeah.

- You have kids, Ivan? - Two.

I haven't seen them in five years.

Five years?

Yes. Five years.

Keep playing... it helps.

Let's just say...

I fucked up.

A big literary career can mess you up.

Hang on.

Ivan...

Ivan Lenoire?

Yes.

- We didn't talk about work. - You idiots don't know him?

- He writes fabulous novels. - Wrote. It's over.

Then start again. Why'd you stop? Lots of people are sad, me included.

Why did I stop?

Success's fault.

Let me explain.

You're in your own little writer's world.

A quiet, solitary life.

And you share your work with the people you love.

My wife, my children. For them I was a hero.

Then you flip into another world.

You have multitudes of friends you don't even know.

But they all want to love you.

It's very pleasant

to be loved.

So in exchange, you want to thank them.

Each one of them.

But saying thanks takes time,

and it can take you very far.

Then one day, your wife

gets fed up of you being happy elsewhere, without her.

So she finds another guy to carry the suitcases.

And to justify this,

she starts telling anyone willing to listen...

and they were many...

that you're a bastard.

A big fat bastard.

Self-centered, violent and alcoholic.

I'm not saying I deserve "The Perfect Guy" award.

But me, violent?

That's not my language.

So I found myself all alone like a fool with my solitude.

Yep.

In any case, it's settled.

She took off far away, to Los Angeles.

8,000 miles.

A 9-hour time difference. So even if I wanted...

- You can't accept that. - This is unbelievable.

There are laws for dads too.

Not having a dad is crap. I haven't seen mine in four years.

He dumped my mom like a piece of shit. Took off with his fat whore.

I'm sorry, kid.

She can leave you, but not the country with your kids.

Stand up for yourself. Okay, sorry.

I'll help you.

- You will? - The great lawyer will help you.

Here's the score.

I don't have a penny.

All I have left is this awful suit.

I don't know if you can help me,

but I have a ton of love and no one to give it to.

I'll give you credit.

You'll pay me in love.

Shake.

- Where's Coach? She was just there. - Hey, yeah.

If she got up, maybe it's good news.

- She can't be far. - Coach.

Omega!

Mom!

She's disappeared.

You didn't find her?

- What about the car? - I checked.

- We combed the area. - No sign.

She must be in the woods.

- We can't go there. - Put the young ones to bed.

We'll bring your mother back.

Hey, wait for me.

I suggest someone stay at camp to keep watch.

Like Coach said, we stick together and we'll be safe.

Let's go.

Wait for me!

Wait!

Don't shout so loud!

- Our voices will draw animals. - Watch your step.

What's wrong now? You hurt your leg?

Make noise, it'll scare them off.

The rooster is dead

No more will he say cock-a-doodle-do

- We didn't come this way. - Yes, we did.

- Don't think of Blair Witch. - Shut up!

The kids are all alone at camp.

This isn't how I imagined our last night.

- Me either. - Searching now makes no sense.

We can't see anything.

We'll be eaten alive by insects.

They can enter any orifice.

Why tell us that? We're not gonna sleep here.

Listen.

- You hear? - It's the waterfall.

Where is she?

- Isn't this her necklace? - Oh shit.

Yes, it is.

- You thinking like me? - Maybe she went back to camp?

This can't be.

- You left my kids all alone? - Coach!

Boy are we glad to see you.

- Here she is. - You scared us.

Don't worry, your kids are safe at camp.

I spoiled everything.

- No, you didn't. - What's wrong?

I used to work in a hospital.

All I did was knock people out with medication.

When I got here, I felt like I was alive again.

Like I'd found the key to happiness.

So I wanted to share.

Share my experience with other women.

Then men.

I haven't had a private life in years.

I don't have a life.

And I destroyed my family.

You can't say that.

All for useless workshops for selfish guys who don't give a shit.

That's not true, we give a shit.

The human being is a pig who doesn't give a shit.

No one should have kids. What'll they have?

A polluted Earth, oceans drowning in plastic.

Wild animals are dying out.

All of them! Soon there won't be any bees.

Real bees.

And why? Because we crushed everything.

Destroyed everything. The feminine, the organic, nature.

We don't care about the Moon, we want to be first to go!

We want to win, dominate.

When we're all in this together.

We came here cause we were borderline.

So...

if you break down, I'll sink.

- Me too. - A group suicide isn't ideal.

Coach, you said it. When one door closes...

- Another opens... - Another opens.

Hippolyte is right, we should all kill ourselves.

Right here, at least we'd feed the fish.

We'd be good for something! Come on.

There were magic mushrooms in the soup.

- It was my fault. - That won't bring my man home.

But it could explain the state you're in.

So what? I'm the ultimate idiot.

Stop it, that's enough.

I'm better, we're all better.

- I'm pathetic! - You're a pain!

It's not true. What's this pessimism?

What's he doing?

- Hippolyte! - You okay?

That idiot.

It's fantastic! The water's fantastic.

- Come on in! - You okay?

Take my hand. Take my other hand.

Coach?

This is for you.

- At worst... - We die?

- We die! - But all together!

We did it!

Hey, Noé. Welcome.

Relax. It's for my company elevators. No one will ever hear it.

If it's shit, it's for the john.

Let's go.

Take a deep breath, we're with you.

MEN ON THE VERGE OF A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Come on, Omega!

- Want to taste? - What's in it?

- Every vegetable except... - Mushrooms!

It's great.

- Can you cope? - Don't worry.

Behave with Grandpa.

Enjoy your evening.

Jump!

Your fiery hair... Your fiery mane of hair...

Your veiled eyelids...

Oops, sorry. I didn't see you because I...

You're beautiful.

I thought I'd never be a grandmother.

Do they have to call you Father? They already have two.

How about fruit juice?

She said yes, Elliot Lecurse.

It's freezing!

What a dumb idea.

You lost this.

But how...

- It's great, we're friends now. - Want a French kiss?

- This is Michel. My mother, Evelyne. - Happy to meet you.

We're neighbors. I'm in the caretaker's house.

You have the little house here. We'll share the garden.

A hug, a real hug.

It's nice and warm.

I think someone's missing.

Doesn't she deserve to join us?

Come here!

Gentle hug.

I think we're stuck.

- Hey, look. - Look!

Sorry, I...

I got carried away.