Original subtitles

Ugh! Oh, stubbed your toe?

Have you got bedbugs? Huh?

Can you just leave it in the loo?

Or there'll be nothing to wipe your bottom on.

Who's Zach? He's Moira's dad.

Oh, right, yes, Moira. Moira and Alec...

Alex, with the big face, yeah.

Oh, they're here. Oh, God.

I think they've got a new car. OK, they're here.

They're here!

Let's go, let's go.

OK!

OK, places, everyone.

Places. Everyone, places. Places?

Yes! We have places?

Yes, as in get by the door, please.

Oh, really? What? Really?

I was eating them! Oh, please, Amy!

Mum, stop, stop! OK, that's all right. Good, good, good.

OK, Sue, stop scrubbing.

I've not got it all out yet, though.

Now! Oh!

OK, Sam, you all right? Yeah, why?

Just smooth your... OK. That's it.

Big smiles, everyone.

OK, everyone look nice.

Try to project that we're all happy and doing well.

This is like living in North Korea. Yeah?

OK. Ready?

And... Mum, family tree. Huh?

Your revision thing. Oh, God.

Hurry up, hurry up. They're coming in, they're coming in.

They're coming in. They're here, they're...

Hey! Penny, hello! Hey!

Er... Now, click print.

Yeah, no, I know, our cousin, Graham.

Yeah, I remember. COMPUTER PINGS

Well, the printer is Bluetooth, so it should just find it.

Yeah, well, it's not. Why...? Why isn't it...?

It's right here. Find it!

Hey, well, don't bonk it, Robin. That's ridiculous.

That's not going to work, is it? Definitely not.

Rach, can you give us a hand with... DOORBELL RINGS

..with the printer, please? Doorbell! Yes, I know.

Can you make sure Sam...? Yes, can you revise, please, Sam?

Well, can you sort out the printer, please? Quick, Paul, take the ham.

I'm about to drop it!

Oh, my God, the ham!

Why have you brought that?

We're celebrating.

Hey, Sammy. Hi, Granny.

All ready for your exams, are you?

Er, no, but they're only mocks, not the proper ones.

Oh, and we need a vase for the lilies.

Oh, not lilies again, Mum, please.

What?! They're gorgeous.

They're a menace.

The pollen is appalling.

It gets everywhere. All you've got to do

is snip the stamens off when they open.

See, that's what I mean!

I don't want to have to snip stamens off.

Hiya! Why can't you just buy us literally any other type of flower

that doesn't slowly turn into a land mine?

What are we celebrating, sorry?

Yeah, my house sale has completed.

Hence the ham.

Oh, wicked. Well done, Sue.

Hence the ham?

I mean, are there any other impractically huge gifts

you want to dump on us?

Perhaps a comically oversized cheque that won't fit through the door.

Well, actually, I was going to give you a cheque for £15,000... What?

..but I might change my mind if you're going to be a knob about it.

PAUL GASPS

Were you? What's this, 15 chunks?

Oh, hiya, Robin. Didn't see you there.

Who's getting 15 chunks?

Dad. Paul, apparently.

Oh, Mum, I don't know what to say.

Maybe try thanks?

Yeah, thank you.

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, Mother, my mother.

Will you buy me a Vespa? Will you buy me a Tesla? OK, wait.

OK. Right. This requires proper thought.

Just because we've finally come into a bit of money

doesn't mean that I'm immediately going to start spunking.

Gross! As in spending!

God, I am. I'm spunking just thinking about it.

15 chunks. Woo!

SAM CHUCKLES Chunks.

Well, I mean, we need a deposit way more than we need a Vespa.

What deposit?

We're thinking of renting a flat when I've finished uni.

What, really? Don't rent, buy.

I can buy you a flat for 15 chunks, girls.

Don't you worry about that.

What? Can you?

Mm, yeah! Or a lock-up or something.

Something with the potential to become a dwelling, certainly.

I'll have a quick look for you now, actually. No, Robin, stop. Put it away.

Really? Honestly, he is an absolute house-hunt-aholic.

I am, actually. I turn my back for two seconds,

he's on Zoopla looking at floor plans. Ha!

I'm putting it away now, babe.

Don't you worry, just putting it in my pocket.

But...

..you're more than welcome to put some money into our wedding, Sue.

I mean, 15 G's. Chunks.

We could hire Enrique for that. We could.

Enrique Iglesias?

I mean, would he do it for 15 grand?

Don't know, his agent didn't get back to me. Rude.

Well, I would like to give you a little something

for your wedding, actually, Cheryl. And Robin.

You know, maybe the cake

or some flowers or something.

Aw. Well, I actually haven't bought the dress yet.

Oh, yes, get the dress.

Sue, say yes to the dress, please. I love that.

Cherry's got quite expensive taste.

Yeah, well, good taste. Great taste.

Look at who she's marrying. Hmm.

Well, yeah, we could have a butcher's

in John Lewis or something, yeah?

Yes!

John Lewis? No. John Lewis?

OK, so there's no easy way to say this,

but Penny and Void are coming to stay.

Oh, fantastic!

Why?

What do you mean why? She's my sister.

PAUL SIGHS And Void's got a meeting

with some finance bods in London.

What, Void?

Is that her real name?

No. No. Penny's husband's called Boyd,

but he's the sort of person that never asks any questions,

so it's like talking into a void.

Oh, I hate people like that. Yeah. Oh, you and me both, Maya.

Yeah. I'll tell you, it's not going to happen this time.

I'm not going to stand for it.

What does that mean? I'll tell you what it means.

I am going to get him to ask me a question

if it is the last thing I do.

The selfish...I'm going to say douche.

You just don't like him because he pats you on the head.

Yeah, well, obviously, that's completely unacceptable.

He does it to everyone.

It'll be nice to see Penny, though, eh?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It'll be really lovely, Cherry.

If you like being judged and made to feel like a useless flake

all the time. Hey, you're not a flake.

Oh, my God, Rachel, she does not do that.

Well, she doesn't do it to you, Robin, because you're... A legend.

Yeah. Well, you know, the youngest, but she's always trying to shame me.

Really? Cos she's always very kind to me.

Yes, but she's deliberately kind, Sue. It doesn't count.

She cosies up to our relatives and remembers birthdays

so she can win at family.

You know, it's a tactic.

I mean, she's writing a memoir, for God's sake. Oh, God.

What...what's that got to do with it?

Well, it's so self-important, isn't it?

Yeah. A memoir, like she's Angela Merkel

instead of a party-wall surveyor living outside York

obsessed with her dark kitchen.

-I love her dark kitchen. -No, it is great.

It's a great kitchen. Great kitchen. Look, Rach,

I can soak up all of Penny's family chat, OK?

I'm quite good with all the cousins' names and whatnot.

You just stick with me. Yeah. I'll be here.

I'll get you through it. All right. I've got you.

Hey! Hello, Paul.

Hi, Penny. Hiya.

Hello. Lovely to see you. Penny!

Oh, Rachel. Yes, nice to see you too.

Lovely Rachel. Dad sends his love.

Well, that's... I mean, I speak to him as well,

so he sends his love to you through me. OK, course.

Hey! Hello.

Sue, how lovely to see you.

And happy birthday for next week.

Oh, thank you, Penny, love.

Good of you to remember.

Here they all are, the usual suspects. Hello, Paul.

Straight in. Hi, Boyd.

How are you? Excellent, thanks.

I am excellent.

Mm.

Me again, is it? OK. Er...

Good journey?

Immaculate, yeah. Immaculate drive. Yeah.

Just got the new BMW M760e xDrive. Right.

Panoramic roof, there. Yeah.

Self-closing doors.

Wow. Smooth as a wet baby. Mm.

Well, yeah, we're still driving the Galaxy, thanks.

Thanks for asking. Hi, Uncle Boyd.

Hello, you.

Amy's been living in Norway,

if you'd like to ask her about that.

I did a bit of work in Sweden in '06.

Yeah, great place. Weird food, but extremely clean.

That's... When is Robin coming back from Bulgaria, then, Rachel?

Oh, not sure. Hopefully tomorrow, so...

Yeah, sorry. Well, at least I'll get you all to myself. Yes!

Oh! I've forgotten how bright it is in here.

Yes, we like it bright. Because our kitchen's dark.

Dark, no, I know. You post a photo of it on Instagram most days.

I'll get rid of this for you. Yes, please. Excuse. What's that?

Just ignore that.

There's always something bonkers happening here, isn't there?

Ha, no. No. Oh, you've been dusting.

Well, no, not really. No more than normal.

Yeah, so, how's the... How's the memoir going?

Oh, fantastic. Yeah.

Yeah, there's just so much material... Mm.

..is the problem, trying to work out what to include.

Right, will this make it in?

Erm, probably not. Hmm, I don't know.

But I have to get it finished to show Lizzie.

You remember Lizzie, don't you? Yeah. Lizzie.

Our cousin, Moira's daughter.

Our cousin? Yeah.

No, she's our second cousin. Moira's our cousin.

Yeah, well... PENNY AND BOYD LAUGH

Yeah, exactly.

Moira, who lives in Padstow and once appeared on The Weakest Link.

So, there. Love The Weakest Link.

Lizzie now works in publishing. I know. I know she does.

And she's been begging to read my memoirs for ages. Right, mm.

God, why?

Well, autobiography is a huge market. Mm.

Do you read them?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I read Andre Agassi's one,

which I thought was brilliant. Mm.

But that's mainly because he is very much Andre Agassi.

Tennis. Mm.

How's John, Rachel? John? Yes. John? Mm.

John, John?

Great Uncle John.

Great Uncle John is...

Let me... I'll put this...and I'll let you know.

Hang on. One sec.

OK, refreshments.

Boyd, can I get you a drink?

You can ask me for anything? Mm.

Yes.

I'll have a grapefruit juice.

Will an orange juice be all right? No.

OK. Former maths teacher, now sadly in a home,

Great Uncle John has one son, Daniel, who lives in Perth.

Yes, I mean... Yeah. What do you think of the care home?

What do you mean?

Well, it's only 20 minutes from here,

so I thought you might have some local intel. Mm-hm.

You did know that?

Mm-hm.

Oh, my God, Rachel.

Did you not know that? Of course, of course I knew that.

Oh, it's great.

Ahh. It is a great care home.

No, I have been very impressed by it. So you've been there? Wow.

Yeah, of course I have. It's 20 minutes away, so, yeah.

Oh, Rachel, well done. Yeah.

Yeah, well, of course. I didn't expect you to do that.

Oh, of course I have. Oh, sweetheart.

Maybe you can just... You can show us the way there.

What way? To see John.

To see John. Cos we thought we might go this afternoon

now that we're not seeing Robin, if that's OK?

What about Boyd's meeting, though?

With my finance guys, mm, down in Bishopsgate, London. Yeah.

Incredible speed of construction in that part of the city.

But that's not till six, so we've got bags of time.

Oh, great. Well, great idea.

Let's go and see John. Oh, good. Let's go.

Sam, what's the care home called? Quick! Yeah, no idea.

It's something Wood. Something with trees.

Amy, just google "care homes around here", and I'll drive slowly.

Oh, why did you tell her that we'd been to see him?

Oh, gosh, yes, well, I regret it. I regret saying that.

I didn't want Penny to think I didn't care

about Uncle...oh...John. John.

Because, you know... It's true.

Because she'd be all judgy about it.

And we should be at Robin's, anyway.

This is Robin's fault, if anything.

Quickly, Amy. OK.

Highdene. Highdene. Croftdown. Croftdown, I don't think so.

Elmstead. No, no, no. Bridgeford, Beech Court...

Bridgeford, Bridgeford! That's it.

Which way? All right, so nothing to do with trees, then.

Which way? Which way, Amy? Quickly. It's loading.

Just go... Just go round.

Go round? As in round and round? Yeah, well, I'm getting it now.

It's just Maya keeps sending me flat details. Oh, God!

HORN HONKS They're honking us! Oh!

OK, right. Go right! Right, right! OK, fine. Yeah.

Great. Fantastic.

Well done, everyone. This is going to be fine. Is it?

Mm-hm. It is. Is it? Yeah.

And what happens when we actually see John,

who we've never actually visited before?

What happens then?

OK, Mum, who is Stanley?

Stanley is an uncle.

I wouldn't have thought so. He's only six.

Little Stanley is the youngest of Rosie and Mike. Eldest.

Eldest, eldest! And it's Rosie and Mark.

OK, give me another.

Sam's supposed to be revising for his exam,

not your sister's visit.

Yeah, well, that is a sort of exam, to be honest.

And they're only mocks, they're not proper ones.

Exactly. OK, great.

Great parenting.

Go back to your sunloungers.

Who is John?

John is Dad's cousin. Uncle.

Uncle. Great Uncle John.

Former maths teacher, now has a son who lives in Perth called Daniel

and is in a care home called Bridge...

It's not Bridgerton, but something like that.

Ooh! Bridge... Bridge...

Bridgeford. Bridgeford. Oh, my God!

Oh, Ames. Hmm? Check out this baby.

12 grand? Yeah.

Why is it only 12 grand? What's wrong with it?

Nothing. I mean, it is in Bulgaria. Right.

Yeah, because I didn't think I had to say this, Robin,

but we don't want to live in Bulgaria.

Sure. So don't look at places in Bulgaria.

Yeah. I didn't mean to, to be fair,

I just searched for the cheapest houses in Europe

and the algorithm very much did the rest. Hmm.

But... Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Look at this.

This is an absolute scorcher. Let me see, let me see.

Eight grand. It's huge! Yeah!

It's not a house.

It's an office. Well, you'd have to convert it, sure.

Yeah, and it's in a quarry in Bulgaria.

It comes with a quarry?

It... Hang on, let me see.

It does not include the quarry.

No, actually, I wouldn't buy that one. No?

CLANG! Whoa! Whoa! Careful, Josh.

Please! Stop the long shots. Sorry, Mrs Jessop.

What? Mrs Jessop?

Maybe don't do three-pointers, yeah?

Why did they even get a basketball hoop?

Amazing. There's not enough space in his garden.

Right, I'm off dress shopping with Cheryl.

I may be some time.

She's booked a lot of boutiques.

Oh, welcome to my world.

Good luck, Sue. Yeah.

Oh, thanks, Robin.

Well, I've got a thermos of Monster Energy

and some Kendal Mint Cake,

so I might be OK.

Good luck, Sue.

Why has she put it in a thermos? Robin, look at this one I found.

Oh, my God! What?! That...

Oh, get out of my dreams and into my car.

Look at that. 800 quid?!

It's up for auction, and it's in Bulgaria, obviously.

OK, OK.

I think I have to buy this house.

You're not serious. Hmm...

It's amazing, Rach. It is, actually. What? Yeah, have a look at it.

You're meant to be finding Amy a place to rent in England,

not buying a second... Wow, that is amazing, actually.

Get it with your 15 grand, Dad. And look, it comes with its own panic room.

Oh, my God. For when you realise

you've bought a house in Bulgaria, presumably.

Well, no, that's... Look, look.

The auction ends in ten days. OK. OK, that's fine.

I'll just sort of nip over and see it next weekend, then.

Nip over to Bulgaria? No, next weekend... No, no, no.

That's when Penny and Void are coming.

No, I can't face them on my own, Robin.

No! OK, all right, so I'll go on the Friday night

and be back by then. Don't worry.

It'll just be a quick in, out, in, out, buy a Bulgarian house.

Job's a good 'un.

THEY YELP Oh, no!

Are you OK? Josh!

Josh, how many times do I have to tell you?

That is not on. Stop attempting three-points in the garden, mate.

Sorry! Sorry, Mrs Jessop.

Mr! I'm clearly Mr Jessop!

Cool.

Well, here we are.

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

It is, yes. I told you.

Bad wiring. Apart from some of the wiring, yeah.

I've mentioned that. Erm... So, where do we go?

We, well, normally, I check in here.

Hello? It's Rachel.

Hi, can I help you? Oh, hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi, there...Sara.

Sarah. Sarah, no, I know.

It's Rachel again.

Here to see John, again.

Which John is it, sorry?

Mm-hm, what? What's the surname?

Oh, well, I mean, there can't be more than one person called John

in the care home.

That is ridiculous.

It's John Moore. It's John Moore.

Oh. Is now a good time? Doesn't matter if it's not.

No, no, there's a bit of time before lunch.

Yes. Do you know the way? Yes. Great.

Thanks.

This way.

That's the kitchen. I know, I'm just saying hi to the...

Hi, guys. Good to see you.

Remind me which way it is again, Sara?

I mean, I do know, but... Sarah. This way.

Thank you. Come on, then.

This way.

It's this way.

John, John Moore. Mm.

So...

Yeah, he's probably sleeping.

Well, no, knock properly, Rachel.

Hello? Oh, God.

Oh! Good.

John, Hi. Good to see you again.

This is, well, I've brought family this time.

So we've got Paul, we've got Amy,

we've got Sam, of course,

we've got Penny and her husband, Boyd.

It's so tidy in here.

And you, you look well, as well.

Penny? You're Michael's daughter?

Yes. Yes, exactly. And her husband, Boyd.

And of course, me, you know. John.

Hello, matey. JOHN CHUCKLES

He's done it to him, as well. How are you, Boyd?

I am amazing, actually.

Just got the new BMW M760e all-wheel Drive

with a panoramic sunroof.

Are you going to ask him how he is? No?

How are you, John?

Oh, not too bad, Penny, thank you.

Hanging in there.

PHONE VIBRATES I'll leave you two to catch up, OK?

Hey.

Yeah, I'll have a look at it.

Well, I think it's,

how can I put this, horrible.

No, he still hasn't asked a question.

Mm. Boyd.

I was... I was going to mention,

you'll never guess what I found earlier on my body.

It's disgusting.

And the shape of it,

I mean, you won't believe it.

OK. Yeah. SAM LAUGHS

Do you want to know more about it or...

Are you going to ask what it looks like

or guess where it is or anything?

No? No interest.

I had to have a mole removed about two years ago.

Didn't feel a thing.

Fabulous place.

A clinic in Leeds.

Leeds. Mm. KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, John. Sorry to interrupt.

Lunch in ten minutes.

Oh, well, we should go.

Oh, well, we'll leave you to it. Yeah.

But so, so lovely to see you. Bye-bye. And you.

Thank you for coming. Oh! It's so nice to see people.

Yeah. Goodbye, John.

Well, I'm sure that Rachel will come again soon.

Oh, yes, of course. Absolutely.

You know me.

I'm sorry, I don't think I do know you.

Who are you? Rachel.

Exactly. Bye, then, John.

Rachel. Oh, Rachel!

Michael's daughter. Yes. Yes, my sister.

Yeah. Ahh. Rachel's been to see you before.

Yeah, a few times. Have you?

You said a few times, didn't you? Yes, yes, yes. Ah. Mm-hm.

Yeah. Oh. I don't remember you at all.

What?

No. Oh.

Oh, dear.

Well, that does happen at this age, doesn't it?

Poor thing.

Oh. Really?

Poor thing. So, how...?

Gosh. How long has he been like that? Yeah, how long?

I don't know. You don't know?

He's got dementia... Yeah, you should know that.

..and you don't know how long he's had it? What? Dementia? Yeah.

Let's not... We've not noticed anything before.

Well, then, you're certainly not doing your job properly...

Absolutely not. ..if you haven't noticed it. Not doing...

No, and I need to see your supervisor immediately.

I'd like to see your supervisor. Can you stop saying what I'm saying?

OK. I mean, we chose this care very carefully, or his family did.

Really did, yeah. And it's very expensive. Yeah.

There's a level of care we would expect.

You don't want to turn up and just be told that he's got dementia,

so I'd like to see a supervisor. Thank you so much.

Immediately. No, no, he is fine. Absolutely. He's fine.

What? What do you mean?

I've just remembered, actually, that I haven't actually

been here before,

so there's nothing wrong with John's memory, in fact.

Oh, sorry.

You just remembered? I just remembered.

Yeah. Maybe I'm the one that should get checked for dementia.

No, in all seriousness, I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have said that.

And I'm very sorry, Sara.

Sarah.

Boyd... Penny. Penny, I'm sorry. I know your name.

And John, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that back there.

It was just silly. RACHEL CHUCKLES

Could I go in the Beemer on the way back, Uncle Boyd?

Erm, well, it's new, so no.

And we're driving straight to the meeting.

He has to be in London at six.

Bishopsgate.

The ambition of the architecture in that part of the city is staggering.

Can I just try the self-closing door?

We've really got to get going.

All right, I was just asking.

We'll be back pretty late, so don't wait up.

OK. Huh.

See you later.

I got it. Oh, my God. It's extraordinary.

Innit? Cherry. Oh, my gosh!

It's perfect, innit, Sue?

We saw it, and I was just like, "That's me in dress form."

But white, obviously. It's a beautiful dress.

It really is.

And it is...a lot. It is, yeah.

Yeah. It's the whole nine yards.

Literally! Whoa!

The train goes on for bloody ages.

Your floor is clean, innit, Rach? I would think so, Cherry.

I've been scrubbing it all week.

Yeah. Penny will be here in the morning.

In fact, any idea when Robin'll be back from Bulgaria?

Yeah, I don't know.

He's found a disused munitions factory that's also up for auction,

so he wants to take a look at that and all, now.

Oh, yeah. OK. Well, he will be back tomorrow, though?

No? PAUL CHUCKLES

What's that stain? Oh!

Oh! You what?

Stain? What do you mean, stain?

Are you yanking my plank? Oh, God, I think it's from the lilies.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

I knew it.

Paul, you didn't snip the stamens!

Has he ruined my dress? I didn't do anything.

I didn't even want them in the house, Mum.

It'll come out.

It better come out! I am warning you, Paul!

How is this my fault? Oh, God.

I will get that out, Cheryl. I promise.

OK.

I'm panicking here. Rach, I'm having a panic. Ahh!

Penny wasn't judging you, Rach. Well...

She didn't even say anything.

She doesn't need to.

That's how she expresses scorn, through silence.

Oh, I mean... Sue!

Sue, can you not dry the dress in here, please, Sue?

It looks like a Chinese laundry.

It's too long to hang anywhere else.

Oh, I mean... I got the stain out, though.

OK, well, can you...

Can you just peg it in the garden or something, please? Will do.

I really don't think your sister scorns you, Rach.

I just, I...

It honestly doesn't make any sense to me.

Where are you going? No, I just... Rach. Hang on.

I do not approve of this.

Well, they won't be back for ages.

Well, that's not why. Oh. What are you doing? Nothing.

Your mother's reading your Auntie Penny's memoirs. What, why?

To see all the horrible stuff she's written about me, obviously.

She may not have done.

Of course she has!

She thinks I'm an untrustworthy arsehole.

Yeah, I wonder why. All right, Sam. Don't you start, as well.

So, why do you want to read it, then?

Because... I mean, this bit is mainly about

a party-wall surveyors' conference in Telford.

Oh, my God. It's a whole chapter.

So, put it back, then. No. Search for your name.

Do ctrl-F and type in Rachel.

Ctrl-F. Sam!

Thank you, Sam. Thank you.

OK. OK.

Oh, my God.

Here we go.

Oh.

"From an early age,

"my sister Rachel was clearly the star of the family.

"Bright and brilliant,

"Rachel brings joy to people wherever she goes.

"Not always the most reliable person.

"She has a wonderful heart and a genius

"for putting people at ease."

You see, she thinks I'm unreliable. Oh, shut up. You are unreliable.

And the rest of it is incredibly nice.

I... I don't understand. She's put this on purpose.

She knew I was going to read it. She loves you, Rachel.

She's not trying to shame or belittle you all the time,

she just really cares about the family.

Mm.

Let's see what she thinks about me.

Really? Do you really want to see? Yeah, I really want to see, yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah. OK.

So, Paul.

Paul...is my name.

Yep. Oh!

"Rachel married Paul in 2003." Mm-hm.

"He's a staunch former Olympic archer...

"..with a beard."

Is that it?

Let's just see if she's mentioned you...

Yeah, that's it.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

I'll take that. Yeah?

Yeah, staunch.

Yeah. I'm thrilled with that, actually.

OK. Staunch.

Like a castle keep. Oh.

Yes! Oh, do me.

Ha! No, the rest of it'll just be about how dark their kitchen is

and their flash new car.

Yeah, yeah. I don't think it's actually theirs, though.

Hmm? What?

What do you mean?

I saw a rental thingy in the footwell.

Pretty sure they don't own it.

Eh?

Look, I know, I know.

I know.

What's going on?

Don't know.

It doesn't look good, though.

A lot of whispering, a lot of hugging.

What's going on? OK, so Boyd filed for bankruptcy last year.

What? Yeah.

Yeah, they had to remortgage the house and sell the car.

Yeah, it's really bad, apparently.

They've got such expensive shoes. That's probably why.

Mm. They were hoping one of

Boyd's wanker banker friends would help.

That's why they hired a car to impress him.

He didn't want to...

Oh. Oh, dear.

Oh, guys.

Bit of a pickle.

Are you going to be all right?

No. No.

Mm.

OK, OK.

Here's an idea.

We'll lend you the money.

-What? -Hang on a minute.

Are you being serious? Yeah.

I mean, £15,000 of it, if that will help.

Oh, my... Yeah. It would help enormously.

Oh, my God. Are you sure? Yeah, really sure.

Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Come here. Oh! They need it and they're family.

And we'd only spend it on something stupid, right?

Exactly. Yeah. Speak for yourself.

Thank you, Paul. Thank you. Yeah, on one condition.

What do you mean?

He has to ask me for it.

You're not serious?

I am. Oh.

I am, actually.

If Boyd wants the money, he has to ask me for it.

I'm so sorry. Simple as that.

Righto.

Come on, then. Boyd, I'm waiting.

Waiting for the question.

OK.

Well...

Please...will you, hmm...

Boyd.

..lend us £15,000, please, Paul?

Oh! Yes, I will, Boyd. Thanks for asking. See?

Simple as that.

Simple as that. Oh! Sorry about...

Oh, now, this really will go in my memoirs.

Fantastic, fantastic.

I hope so, I hope so.

Cos we're family.

And I just...

It is a loan. It is a loan.

I can't stress that enough.

No, honestly. It's a lot of money.

Love you. I love you, too, Penny.

Penny, have you done a wee?

I have, yes.

Boyd, have you done a wee? Mum!

I'll text you my bank details, Paul. Yeah, Boyd,

what I thought I'd do is put together a rough repayment schedule.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. So then we can...

Yeah. OK. Bye.

We're never going to see that money again, are we? Nope.

You've basically paid £15,000 for a question there, Dad.

I did.

Oh, so Robin's asking if we can lend him ten grand to bid

on a Bulgarian bauxite mine. Not any more, we can't. No.

You did the right thing, though, Paul. Yeah.

Family first, and last, and in the middle,

in my opinion.

Well, I would have preferred a Vespa, but still.

Anyway, it's all over now. Yeah.

So we can all just sit back and relax

with a nice cup of tea. Mm. Yeah.

Lovely.

The most important thing is everything worked out in the end.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ah, yep.

# Hey, lord, don't ask me questions

# Hey, lord, don't ask me questions

# Hey, lord, don't ask me questions, please

# Hey, lord, don't ask me questions

# Hey, lord, don't ask me questions

# Hey, lord, ain't no answer in me. #