Original subtitles

One of these is wobbly.

I've always wanted to juggle.

Your water's very hard, isn't it?

Oh, look at the state of this!

Oh, it's stunning. It's a stunner.

Just you wait until you get inside the actual pods.

Pods?!

Oh, Rach, I've always wanted to go in a pod!

OK, I am calling it.

It's a triumph.

OK, Cherry, let's not overhype it, you know.

No, I'm not, I'm just saying,

this is going to be the best hag do

that's ever happened to anyone

on Earth.

Or the moon. Yeah.

What? The moon?

It's like where the Teletubbies live, isn't it?

A bit. It is like Tubbyland, actually - you're right, Mum.

Fat Tubbyland.

Well, I, for one, cannot wait to get my Tinky-Winky in the tub.

Oh! As long as you don't do a Po in it.

LAUGHTER

That's lovely. Laa-Laa.

What's this? Driving me la-la.

There IS one called Laa-Laa. That was bad. Which pod am I in?

So the boys are in this pod. Oi, oi.

And the girls are in here.

Oh, we're going single-sex, are we?

I thought you believed that gender was a social construct these days.

Well, no, no, yeah, I sort of do.

But they've, erm, got all their Scalextrics.

Yeah, and me and Kay have got our make-up kit.

Oh, my God. Why is it so big?

You got Gok Wan in there, or something?

No. No, I know.

Is there Wi-Fi here, Mum.

There's, like, no signal.

No, that's the whole point of being off-grid, Amy.

You know, to force you to put your phone down and

look at all those...

The hedges and the... The hedges?

Yeah, exactly.

Take photos now,

upload them to Insta later when we're in Ashford.

Well, no, that's not exactly what I meant but, on that subject,

erm, Paul will be driving the bus... Hello.

..to Disco Inferno at nine.

CHEERING So make sure you're ready to go.

And then we'll head home about 1am so we're not too shattered

for the, erm, bird-watching/power station trip tomorrow.

Thanks, Mum.

I mean, it's got everything. Argh!

Haggy, Haggy, Haggy!

Do, do, do!

No! You want to do your chanting,

you do it in your own pod.

Yeah. Yeah, in your pod. Sorry, Babe.

Erm, all right, boys, shall we just get in the pod and...?

Sam, do you want to come and chant? Erm, no, I'm good, mate. Yeah.

Come on, then, fellas. Let the chanting commence.

What are you looking for, mate?

Erm, I think I left my camera charger at home.

Oh, dude, that's a shame.

Do you want me to use the...? Haggy, Haggy, Haggy!

Do, do! OK, thanks, Dad. Haggy, Haggy, Haggy! Do, do, do!

Haggy! Do!

What is...? What is...?

Oh, my God! Sam, what the hell is this?

I-I don't know. How am I supposed to know?

Well, you opened it. Yeah, only cos...

Dad!

Dad? Sammy?

What is it? I don't know.

Argh! Oh!

Yeah, it's not... What's happened?!

Erm, yeah, I don't know.

I think, erm, Sam bought a second-hand sex doll.

Shut up. No, I haven't.

Oh, Sammy!

Well, at least buy a new one if you're going to...

..get a...one of those.

How is it even for that?

It's only a torso.

Well, it depends what you're into.

What's all this shouting about, please?

Did you order an incredibly creepy rubber girl?

Yeah, my Resusci Annie - I got it on eBay.

Right, see?

What?! Why is it open?

Well, because it said Mr Jessop, so I thought it was for me.

Well, it's not.

Oh, God! What the hell is that?

Dad bought an old sex doll. No, I didn't, though.

It's my Resusci Annie.

It's for learning CPR.

I thought you were doing that on your police course.

I've got to practise at home.

Well, can you put it away, please? It's horrible.

DOORBELL RINGS I didn't get it out! Doorbell, someone!

I'll get it.

You lose yourself in it. All right, Spielberg?

You all right? Yes, I am.

Don't mind if I do. Morning, all!

Oh, my gosh!

Now, we won't stay long.

Just wanted to show you...

..the Lord of the Blings - here it is.

Whoa! Get your shades on.

Sparkling, innit?

Oh, Cheryl, that's lovely. Yes, it is.

Oh, and it's so Christmassy.

I've got to keep my hand pointed up like this for now,

in case it slides off.

Why? Is it too big? A bit, yeah.

I've got thin fingers. Thingers.

She has, actually. But, yeah, no,

keeping your hand like this is the best way to show it to people,

so, you know. No, we'll have it taken in at some point.

And have you set a date yet? I have, Sue, yes.

April the 20th.

Oh! How exciting. I'm going to iron my hat.

No, sorry, I'm talking about the stag.

Oh, yeah, we haven't booked the wedding yet.

Who cares about that bit? Yeah!

Erm, you do. I do, actually.

More than anything. Great.

And is the best man...?

Is it me?

Pathetic way to ask.

Now, Paolo, it should be, in many ways.

But I feel so guilty not asking Dean. I don't.

I mean, you're both such...

..great men, but who's the best?

It's like, innit, Alien vs Predator?

I mean, why does it...?

Why does it have to be a man at all?

You know?

Well, because it's a best man, right?

I mean, the clue's in the question.

No, I mean, I just find these binary divisions

so old-fashioned, you know?

Oh, God, don't you start, please. What's happening?

Mum's just discovered gender theory at college,

having ignored everything I've been saying for the last 15 years. OK.

Yes, I have, and I just find this single-sex stuff so regressive.

You know, I mean, I've known you far longer than either of them.

Oh, OK, I see.

I know what this is about.

What?

You want to be best man. No.

That is not what I'm saying. Do you?

But I would...

I wouldn't mind, actually.

Yes! Oh, right. Why not? Yeah.

Because you will be on the hen with me and the girls.

Isn't that really depressing,

though? Like stags and hens, you know,

trying to make it seem like men and women are two different species.

Yeah, well, I've never thought about that, actually.

Yeah, but, I mean, it's not as though stags even

have sex with hens, is it, in the wild?

Well, no. No, Mum. That would be horrible.

Yeah.

Do a hag, then.

A what?

What's that?

It's like a combined hen and stag. Hag.

Hag, yeah, with me as best man. Yeah.

Go on. Come on.

I-I... You're not going to...

I don't mind that, actually.

Yeah. Yeah, it lets me keep an eye on him.

Make sure you don't end up inside a strip club,

or inside a stripper. Ha-ha.

But, I mean, we could still go clubbing, though, right?

I mean, it won't all be just sort of facials and crying.

Yeah, clubbing's not gendered. It's not gendered, is it? No, yeah.

I wouldn't say no to a facial, actually.

Oh, no!

Amy, you can't go because you are seeing Maya

that weekend in Swansea.

Not if she hasn't told her parents about us by then I'm not.

Yeah, so I'm going to find somewhere really exciting for us, OK?

OK, but with a hot tub. With a hot tub.

Oh. And off-grid, like in the sticks.

In the... Yeah. And somewhere I can go bird-watching.

But not so off-grid that we're not near a nightclub.

For the other kind of bird-watching.

Robin! I'm joking.

Or am I? No, I am.

Stop trying to crowbar bird-watching into everything, Mum.

If you want to perv at birds, you can do it out the window.

At what? There's nothing out there.

You haven't even got a bird feeder.

Then get a bird feeder.

All right, I'll factor that in, Sue.

Oh, also near a power station

would be helpful for my geography course, Mum.

Yes, absolutely.

This is just a dreadful way to organise a stag. Hag.

I'm trying to find somewhere that ticks all those boxes.

I mean, I'm not sure Booking.com has exactly those filters,

but I'll do my best.

And you'll succeed, because you are the best man.

As of now. I'm the best man. Yup.

Sorry about that.

It's cool, man, I'm cool.

Oh, look at those stars pinging away.

Oh, you don't get them in Bedford.

I mean, you do, you just can't see 'em

because of all the light pollution.

All right, smart arse. You know what she meant.

Just saying. Rachel.

Hmm? Hi.

Sorry to, erm, talk to you.

Erm, it's only to say that

we can't find a plug socket in our pod.

Mm.

Well, no, there isn't one - there's no...

..you know, power.

What? OK.

All it is, is that

we spent the last two hours laying out the Scalextrics track.

Right. Does Scalextrics need electricity? It does, doesn't it?

It's implicit in the name. Erm...

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry, Gelson,

you'll just have to play it...

..acoustic.

Right, erm...

..that won't...work... OK.

..per se, but, erm, thanks.

I'll pass that on. Thank you.

Ah, ya...! Oh, you all right?

Hang on, there's no power?

Well, no, Cherry, we're off-grid, like you wanted.

Oh.

See, I thought off-grid just meant like...

..not in the city.

Well, no, it's off the power grid, isn't it?

I'm sure that's what it means. It does, yeah.

So how do I plug in

my curling wand?

Erm, well, what are we meant to do

before going to Ashford, more to the point?

Just sit around the fire like olden-days people?

Well, no, no, we've got the hot tub

and, erm, some other surprises coming up.

Oh, my gosh. In fact, I think that might be one of them now.

Boys get out of the pod!

The entertainment is about to start!

Woo! Whoa!

Yes, please.

Oh, God. OK. Oh, all right.

RACHEL LAUGHS

Is one of you Rachel?

Yes, I am. Sorry.

Come on. OK.

Is it, erm...?

Well, where do you want me?

Oh-ho! Oo-er, missus. What is it, Rach? Hypnotist or something, is he?

Oh, I love an hypnotist. Here? Is here OK?

Here, like outside?

Erm, well, our pods are full of clothes and Scalextrics.

Erm...

I'm just not meant to do it outside, really.

And it's very dark.

I mean, have you got any more light, or...?

You have got the fire.

And the moon, look.

And the little battery-powered peckers from the pods.

Yeah, and the minibus. Amy, put the headlights on.

A please would be nice. What's this about headlights?

Oh, we just need more light for the hypnotist.

Oh, right, yeah, well, just don't leave them on too long, all right?

So is there no Wi-Fi here? No.

All my music's online. Yeah, we're off-grid.

Does anyone have any songs on their phone,

as in that work offline?

Yep, yep, I do, I'll put some on.

Hello! Showtime!

CHEERING

That is...very bright!

Hypnotise Jelson, make him moo like a cow.

I'll do that anyway.

Moo!

CLUCKING NOISES

LIVELY CHATTER

Oh, my gosh. Oh! Oh, my gosh.

Here we go, here we go. Ooh!

Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

RACHEL GIGGLES

BIRDSONG IN BACKGROUND

Is this...Is this part of the hypnotism, is it?

You what? What are you...?

No, no, no, he's a stripper.

Oh, wicked!

You hired a stripper?

Is there a girl one coming too?

Well, no, that's very different. Why?!

Well, because it just is - watching women strip is sleazy.

When a man does it, it's, you know, progressive.

THEY SCREAM

Well done!

"Well done"?

Yeah, his chest.

I mean, it takes a lot of work to get muscles like that.

BIRDSONG It does, believe me.

Just stop ogling him, Mum, please.

I mean, there's people walking past.

Oh, no. Right, ignore them - try to. Sorry.

Oh! He's going to take his trousers off.

Hey. Oh, come on, brother, not the trousers!

Leave the trousers on, do us a favour.

So what is...? Sorry, what is this music?

I think it's, erm...

..yeah, a blackbird.

SCREAMING

Sorry, what?

A blackbird, as in birdsong?

Yeah, yeah, erm,

I've got an app with them all on.

Huh.

Yeah, no, I'm not going to dance to birdsong.

What? That was dancing, was it?

I'm not even supposed to do this outside.

I'd like to see you have a go.

Look, there's a family over there. And with the headlights,

the flaming torches - this feels like a lynching. What?!

You what? That's ridiculous.

Is that all we're getting?

No! No, no, no, no.

No! No! Rach... Rach!

Hang on! Oh, my God.

Let him go, Rach.

I'm sorry, but you cannot expect us to pay you 400 quid

when we didn't, you know... What?

See your bits. Well, no, Sue. I mean, we didn't.

That's also true, but I meant,

you know, when you only did about five minutes!

The website states that it has to take place inside. That's on you.

Yeah, that's clearly on us, Mum. Don't side with the stripper, Amy.

Rach, just forget about him.

Don't worry about it. We'll go to Ashford early.

No, you can keep the 200 quid we already gave you, but, you know,

that's all you're getting, end of!

Ugh. Forget it.

And I'll be giving you a bad star rating as well.

Mum. If that's a thing you can do... Rach. ..with strippers.

It won't be.

Come on, Paolo, let's get in the bus. Come on, let's get in the bus!

Come on, Chez! Shake a leg, will ya?

Do not rush me.

It is very hard to curl hair

without electricity! ENGINE STRUGGLES

We're supposed to be going to Ashford now, though. Yeah.

I don't think we are, actually.

What? What do you mean?

No, battery's flat.

Oh! It's cos you left the lights on.

Well, can we call the AA?

Not without signal, no.

No rush, actually, Chez.

I said that would happen. So what do we do?

Yeah, no, it's fine,

it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter because, erm...

Because? Just stay here.

Here? Yeah!

And then...and do what?

Well, the...

..get in the hot tub.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be great. It'll be better, probably.

Gelson, fire up the hot tub, will you, brother? Aye-aye, cap'n.

Change of plan, Chez, get your trunks on.

We're going in the hot tub.

We're going in the hot tub.

Hang on, it says it takes five hours to heat up the hot tub.

What was that?

Don't worry actually, babe.

OK. Don't. Don't say anything.

Hey, hey, you're best man. You know, this is your baby.

I'm just interested to know what the plan is for the next five hours.

Yeah, well, just, you know, hanging and chattin' and... Chattin'?

..we've got 300 bottles of beer Biere d'Alsace.

Oh, and my big bottle of Baileys.

Thank you, thank you, Sue.

And I know a couple of extremely difficult riddles.

Huh. OK.

Riddles?

You see? It's all coming together. Is it?

Yeah, it is. It is, actually.

It's going to be brilliant. Uh-huh.

Where? I can't see it.

No, not the feeder. The branch, Sam. The branch.

Yeah, which one? Narrow it down.

It's a green woodpecker.

Oh, how marvellous.

I can't find it. Sorry.

Oh, crikey doodlums,

you'll never get a job on Planet Earth.

David Attenborough would be tearing his hair out with you around.

Look, there, look.

SQUAWKING Oh!

Oh, no. What?

Oh, it's not a green woodpecker.

It's another bloody parakeet. Oh, no!

And? What's wrong with them?

Well, they're not a native species, are they?

They shouldn't be here.

They take the food and the habitats away from our British ones.

Right, yeah.

Bloody foreigners coming over here, stealing our jobs.

They'll be marrying our birds next, if we're not careful.

Oh, don't be daft.

I'm talking about wildlife.

I know. You're a bird bigot.

Oh, stop it, I... Amy, please.

I voted Remain.

She's winding you up, Sue - ignore her. And I'm not a bigot.

There are just some things I don't like to see

in my back garden. So ignore that as well.

Yes, I will.

This garden is absolute crappo for wildlife, let me tell you.

Right, yeah, blame the garden.

Oh, actually, have you found anywhere

on the hag, Rachel, for my birding?

Yeah, I'm working on it, Sue.

So Black Tar Sands is only an hour from Leeds

for Robin's clubbing

and the Drax Power Station for Sam's course work.

But I've not found anywhere off-grid for cherry.

Drax? No, that's a biomass one. I need nuclear, really.

Yeah, the fuel source of the power station

isn't my number one priority now, weirdly, Sam.

All right. Finding somewhere

that will take all nine of us is hard enough as it is.

No, it's now ten.

I'm coming now, as I'm not visiting Maya.

Oh, God. Has she still not told her parents? No.

Another demand from Cherry.

Apparently, the vibe she wants is sexy AND relaxing.

I mean, it's not even possible to do both of those at once, is it?

Of course it is.

Michael Buble.

Have you looked into Center Parcs?

No, and I'm not going to.

Because when I best-manned for Colin... Colin, yeah!

..I organised a lawn bowls tournoi at Center Parcs Longleat,

which was the stuff of absolutely legend!

Can you stop trying to back-seat drive my hag do, please?

Well, if you aim to please everyone you please no-one, Rach -

a bit of free advice for you.

Yeah, which I do not need, because my hag is going to be amazing

and better than all of your ones,

so back off, please, and go back to snogging your little rubber girl.

Resusci Annie! And I'm practising resuscitation, thank you very much.

Yeah, for a suspiciously long time.

Hang on, is that...another one? What?!

Oh, my God! I've bought two Resusci Annies?

No. God. This is Choking Charlie.

This is a man one.

I mean, completely absurd that they're even gendered at all,

but why do you need him as well?

Well, Charlie's for choking - you know, for practising the Heimlich.

They do completely different things.

Are you going to buy a plastic doll for every single medical scenario?

I mean, you know, not ideally,

but I do need to practise, you know.

I freeze in the simulations and I just, I forget what to do.

This is madness. Can you send it back, please?

You can't keep buying medical dolls.

They're horrible to look at, so return it.

Fine! All right, all right.

Oh, he's got a lovely chest, though. Don't...

Can you stop objectifying Charlie, please, Mum?

That's what you should get for the hag do, Rachel -

a male strip artist.

Oh! Oh, really? Yeah.

Bren went to see some recently, and she had the time of her life.

Bren, your 85-year-old bridge partner, Bren, went to a strip club?

83. And she didn't mean to.

No, she booked tickets for Magic Mike, thinking it was a normal

magic show - you know, like Paul Daniels or something.

Well, it wasn't.

She's been back eight times since then!

THEY LAUGH

Right, try it now.

Oh! Who's the daddy? I'm the Daddy!

The Daddy? Dad.

Huh? Paul, come on, we've got to go.

I'm ready, Mum. Get the others, will you, Sam?

Yeah, I am, I'm doing it now.

Mum? Mum?

SNORING

Did you fall asleep in the hot tub?

Oh, it took a while to heat up.

Come on, then, Rachel, chop, chop! Oh, God!

We've got to be there by 9am,

otherwise the beds will be less active.

Of course, yeah, great, fantastic, OK.

Wake up, everyone.

Huh! Wahey, splash him!

OVERLAPPING SPEECH

Did you drink all of THAT?

Huh? Well, yeah, there wasn't anything else to do.

We did, yeah. Oh, God!

OK, time to go bird-watching!

Absolutely not. No, not happening!

But Rachel promised - you promised, Rachel!

She promises a lot of things, Mum.

All right, no, we're doing it, Sue.

Is the minibus...?

Yeah, it's sorted - you're welcome.

Is it on? Well, I-I was going to do that.

Can you please consult with Best Man before you do anything again?

Yeah, Come on, let's go -

up and at 'em! Come on, guys.

Woo! Woo!

Oh, you're all so hungover.

Yeah, we'll be golden once we've had some charcoal, don't you worry, pal.

Yeah. Hear, hear. What? Charcoal?

Yeah, it's a cutting-edge hangover cure, actually,

according to Online Health Secrets.wiki.

You just swallow some charcoal and it soaks up all the alcohol

in your bloodstream like a little loofah,

so job's a good 'un.

That sounds unlikely. Charcoal?

Well, it's science, Sam. Briquettes?

No, tablets you doughnut! Briquettes!

Hardly going to chow down on a couple of them, am I?

Briquettes!

Oh! I'm joking...

Come on, everything's very much still on track,

so let's get changed,

swallow some charcoal and go bird-watching.

Not a sentence I ever thought I'd say, but there you are.

Can you wake up Amy, please.

Let's go! Let's go! Oh, my God...

Ah! Rachel, your toenails!

Pass my shorts. Pass my shorts! Are you nude?

Come on!

There's none anywhere.

Sorry. No birds. Can you give us another charcoal, please, Jelly?

The first one not work, then? That's a surprise.

I wouldn't say it's eliminated my hangover, no.

That's a duck, isn't it?

You got reception again, then? Uh-huh.

Not I need it.

Maya's basically still refusing to come out to her parents, so...

Do you think I should just call her?

Oh, I don't know, love.

If you, if you want to identify the call of a bearded tit,

I'm your woman.

But I'm a bit out of me depth with this situation, I'm afraid.

What's that? Is that a shopping mall?

A mall? No, it's a nuclear power station.

Nuclear?! What? Yeah.

For Sam's coursework, we're going there after this.

No, no, we're not going nuclear, Rach.

Why not? Me and Robin might have kids soon

and his sperms are gammy enough as it is.

Oh. They are, actually, yeah,

A lot of them don't have necks, apparently.

Necks? I didn't know sperm were meant to have necks.

But I promised Sam we'd see it. Yeah.

Well, he can see it from here. OK.

Well, erm...

Does that help, Sam? Well, obviously not. No.

Another hag promise bites the dust.

Oh, no! What are you, then?

I'll take another one of those charcoals over here, Jelson.

I'm absolutely hanging. Beautiful!

Is that the stripper? What?

No, I think it's a wood warbler.

Oh, my God, it is.

OK, yeah, we should hide.

Hide?

I really don't want to see him again.

Hide where?

I guess...there.

No, look, let's just ignore him. Oh, my God!

He's having a peaceful day out with his boyfriend. Urgh!

Let's just stay away and not cause a scene.

Oh, no!

What? It's a parakeet, again!

Oh, OK. I don't bloody believe it.

OK, Mum, calm down.

It drives me mad, Paul!

They're absolutely everywhere.

I mean, you come all this way and you still can't get

away from them. Mum...

I mean, I don't mind them so much in the city... Mum...

..but when you see them in the countryside...

Good God! ..it's out of control!

Good God! They need to be rounded up and caged, frankly.

Sorry, what the hell did you just say?

We have as much right to be here as anyone else.

She was talking about the birds.

Oh... Wait, it's you lot.

Hiya! Hi. So, first you refuse to pay me

and then you yell homophobic abuse at me and my boyfriend?

No. Yeah. I...

I was shouting at the parakeets - I am not homophobic, I promise.

She isn't, she really isn't.

I voted Remain. No, that's not relevant, Mum.

My granddaughter's gay. She is.

And I'm absolutely delighted about it.

Yeah. OK, Granny, that's a weird thing to say.

I promise it wasn't aimed at you.

She just really hates parakeets.

CHOKING Is Dean, is he all right?

Let's just go back, can we? Cos I really need to lie down...

Guys. I think Dean's choking.

Oh, my God!

Dean, are you choking?

He can't answer, Mum.

SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!

Stop choking, Dean, if you can.

He can't. Clearly, he can't.

He's going to pop!

Oh, my God! Paul, do something - do your CPR!

Huh? Well, you made me give up my Choking Charlie!

You must know how to do it, surely!

Come on! Come on! Come on!

OK... Quick, Dad! Which way do you need him?

OVERLAPPING SPEECH Here!

Come on. Right.

GURGLING Get it out, then.

Urgh!

DEAN RETCHES

Oh, yes! Yes!

OVERLAPPING SPEECH

That's exactly what I would have done.

There she blows! Well done. Oh, my God. What is that? Stripper!

That's charcoal, mate. Well done, stripper. Well done.

That was tremendous. Pride of Britain.

Oh, God.

Yeah, well done, that was...really fantastic work.

Really...

..well done for saving the day, that was fantastic. Wow, yeah.

We will, of course, we'll pay you.

We'll double it. No, but... For last night, yeah. Sorry about that.

I was just really angry about the hag.

I spent months organising being well...

..you know...shit.

OK.

And it is a shame the parakeets are here.

I mean, they're everywhere, and they're the worst.

Yeah, I know, exactly.

Come on. Yeah.

Erm, actually, as we've got you here,

can I just ask you a question?

What? My granddaughter's girlfriend

won't tell her parents about them,

or about being gay.

Oh, no, Granny, don't.

And I just wondered if you had any advice about what to do.

You don't have to answer that.

SIGHS

It's not about you.

It's between her and her family.

You could...

..try and be nice and support her through

a difficult situation.

Or you could be a brat and make it about yourself.

Right.

Thanks.

Lovely to meet you all.

Cheers! I didn't get your name, but... Lovely to meet you. Bye.

You're a well-fit couple.

Wow, what guys. Wonderful men.

And the hag do hasn't been shit, by the way, Rach! Oh, well...

That's crazy talk.

It's been, I think, good... Yeah?

..in a way. Right, Chez?

No.

It's been awful, total wash-out - nothing to do

and Dean nearly died.

Yes, that's true as well. Mm.

Yeah. No, I'm sorry.

I-I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for a dreadful weekend. Thank you.

Yeah, but it's not over yet, though, is it? Right.

It is, because we have to check out within the next 90 minutes.

So, I'm really sorry. Please don't say anything.

I'm not going to say anything. I apologise. What else can I do?

It was a disaster. I'm sorry. So, sorry. Sorry. Rach, come on.

Rubbish!

Have you got any more charcoal, Jelson?

Oh, don't take another one, you daft ha'p'orth.

Come on. Hurry up, guys.

Oh, dear, sorry.

So much gas!

How am I producing so much gas?

Urgh!

You all right?

Hurry up, please!

I should have gone to Swansea.

To see Maya.

I think I might have been a total dick.

Guys, come here!

Come here.

Can you hurry up, please? There's a fine if we check out late.

Yeah, all right. Hurry up. Yes, all right. Amy.

AMY GROANS

That's it.

There's a fine.

Cherry, there's a fine.

Yeah, you said!

That was our exit, wasn't it?

Dad, we missed the exit.

I didn't, actually, Sam.

We're not going home. What?

Where are we going, then?

We're going to Swansea. What?

What are you talking about?

Well, why not?

Because it's on the other side of the country?

Yeah, everyone's asleep anyway. Ah! Oh, God!

AMY BABBLES Careful, Amy, I'm driving.

What's going on? Go back to sleep.

What? We're going to Swansea!

What?! Woo! What's happened?

We're taking Amy to Swansea to see Maya.

What about the rest of us? Well, we're going as well.

Hag Do Part Two. Eh?

Hag Harder in Swansea!

What?

I can't let your first hag end like this, Rach, no way.

If that's OK with you. No, definitely.

I've hated every second of organising...

Sorry, Paulo, question from the back. What's going on?

Well, I've booked some rooms at the Palace Hotel and Spa.

CHEERING

Yeah. And a booth at Top Bananas...

Yes? ..tonight... Yes?! ..for the foam party!

CHEERING

Paulo! Yes to everything!

Paul, Paul, what's a foam party?

It's a ticket to paradise, is what it is.

Strap yourself in, Spielberg,

this hag party is about to get X-rated!

Oh, I think my battery's going to die.

Haggy, haggy, haggy! Do, do, do!

You are the best. You're the absolute best.

Haggy! ALL: Do! Haggy! ALL: Do!

Thank you. I'm driving, Rach! Rach!

CHEERING

Paul? Yeah?

I've got work tomorrow!

Have you?

BIRDSONG