Original subtitles

- Hey, baby. - Hi.

He was killed by the reverend's daughter.

How do you know that?

Because when Peter got into trouble with the Megargee girl,

he came to me for money.

Francine, I'm really sorry. Can I come in, please?

So, if you can just lend me just a bit of money...

I said no, of course.

And then he went missing, with just that bloody finger left behind.

What do you mean, he came to you for money?

What, you've known this whole time, and you haven't said anything?

That girl... Her family are so dangerous, Elliot.

- The full story would wound you deeply. - What, wound me more than not knowing?

Wound me more than my boyfriend being murdered by fucking Tina?

Grandma, what trouble did he get into?

Grandma, please. You can't just say all of that and then stop there.

The child is his, Elliot.

- What child is whose? - The child with the horse.

Tina's child.

Peter was the father.

This is depressing.

I can basically be a deep fat fryer or a toilet cleaner.

Tell Francine you're shagging Jess instead,

so she can start paying for shit again.

No. Fuck her. You're way more important to me than money.

She loves you, Elliot. Seriously, it's not worth it.

No, I'm not lying any more.

It's not her fault that she's ancient

and has a shitty version of the world ingrained into her.

No, I do think it's actually her fault. Yeah.

Come on.

I can't believe we barely have any furniture and you've done this.

Lighting is everything, Elliot. It is the entire vibe.

- It is the feng shui of vibes. - So soothing.

Did you actually read that thing I sent you about colour light therapy?

- Reading's hard. - It is literally a listicle, Elliot.

Yeah? Just... You can handle it.

What are you doing being so cute on the other end of the sofa?

Just...

- Listicle? - Just doing...

Miss Listicle? Miss Listicle?

Remove your stinky foot from my mouth.

Do you think we'll have babies?

Maybe.

Maybe one.

But not for, like, a decade.

- And only if it's gay. - Okay.

I don't think I'd be a very good dad.

Well, neither of us would be yet. That's why I said in, like, a decade.

We've gotta let our brains finish developing first.

Or maybe we just don't have kids.

I don't care what we do as long as I do it with you.

- Did I say something wrong? - No.

- No? - No, you said nothing wrong.

You are just so sweet. I don't know how I got so lucky.

I'm the lucky one.

- I love you, Elliot. - I love you, Peter.

That's my daddy.

- Hi, Poopee. - Hi.

What was that?

Nothing. I'm on my phone.

- Peter? - Seriously, I'm good. I'm fine.

Do you think Elliot and I are right for each other?

Peter, no. What?

I don't know. Things recently, they've just been kind of off. They're just...

Oh, my God. Really? We literally just signed the contract on this place.

Yeah.

It's always been, like... He's in my mind. Like, he just...

He gets exactly what I'm thinking, but, like, recently, there's a disconnect.

I don't think he's getting me like he used to, the way I need him to.

Well, did you tell him what you need?

Or do you just expect him to read your mind?

- Isn't the one supposed to read my mind? - No. That's silly.

Elliot just gets in his own little world sometimes.

You just need to be straight with him.

- I don't know. I don't know. - You're self-sabotaging.

Let him at least try and be there for you.

- You know he'd do anything for you. - I know.

I know.

He chose you over endless money from his grandma.

There's something else.

- No. - Yes. You're lying.

Pow. Come on.

- You want me to dance for you? - It's nice.

Yes, baby.

This is... I feel like I shouldn't be here.

- You had a baby with our brother. - No, Jess. What?

No, no. What the fuck? The DNA match...

Was Nico, not me.

So you're not my sister?

You're a liar.

- Elliot. - Elliot.

Elliot.

- Karis, pass me her. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Don't get it on his suit. - Elliot. Elliot.

Back up. Give him some space.

- Peter cheated on me. - You're lying.

He had a kid with Tina Megargee and then she killed him.

- Stop. Who told you that? - Oh, my fucking God.

My grandma.

- Francine? - Yeah.

- That's the actual tea. - Fuck, I wanna die.

Peter the cheater. It was in a rhyme all along.

Sorry. Who's Teeny McGoogy?

No, Tina Megargee. She went to uni with us and she's Jess' sister.

Wait. Incest baby.

No, no, she's not Jess' sister.

She lied so that Jess would run away with her.

He was killed by the reverend's daughter.

Where's my phone?

- Where's my phone? - I don't know.

Where the fuck is my phone?

Oh, God!

- Oh, God. - Get the fuck out!

I need to get my fucking phone.

- Where the fuck is it? - It's in the fucking bed.

- Just fucking get it! - Okay.

Go.

Shut the fucking door!

Elliot, please can I post this?

I cannot imagine a possibly worse day in my life.

What?

Call Jess, call Jess. Call Jess now, please.

I think she blocked me. I don't know.

Is it going through?

- No. - No? Okay.

What, the Irish Sea? This morning.

Okay.

Wait. 353. That's Ireland's country code, right?

Why would any of us know that? Yeah, yeah, it is.

Elliot, it's me.

God, she sounds like shit.

I'm so fucking sorry. I love you, okay?

And I need you to know that...

- Where the fuck is she? - Search the number online.

...if I'm ever gonna see you again.

Okay, look up how to get here.

-And Peter... - Happy Jeff's Pub.

- ...loved you... - Yeah?

And you, you call this policeman on speaker, yeah?

I'm in a pub in literal Ireland,

and this town is, like, a fairytale village.

Like, we went to this mini-horse farm,

and the place we're renting is, like, this little Irish cottage.

It is so cute. It's in the middle of these, like, green fields,

and there's this big fucking tree in the front of it.

And it has this little green Irish door, and it's all really camp.

You would actually die. It's... Yeah.

And obviously, I'm here with Tina, and I love her.

You know? She is my sister. But you're my soul person.

Hello?

Hi, Officer. It's Charlie.

- I'm with Elliot Byrd. - Hi, Officer.

Look, I know where Tina and Jess are.

They're in Ireland, okay, and they were last seen at Happy Jeff's Pub at 12:26 pm.

They're staying at a white cottage

which is down the road from the pub with a big tree in front.

Important thing.

The sexy police officer, the hot one from Will's flat?

He is a Megargee.

He's Tina's half-brother and he tried to kill me. And Tina.

And he probably killed her dad.

Is Jess talking about me there, Elliot?

Fuck.

- Oh, my God. This is real. - Our life is a movie.

I don't really know what's going on.

Oh, my God. Fuck me.

That's my daddy.

Fuck.

Really?

He's a fucking Megargee.

He's that mobster bitch killer's fucking brother.

I feel like I've hooked up with him before.

- Charlie. - Oh, my God. He's calling me.

- Ignore it. - Answer it.

Oh, my God. He texted. "Give me a call when you can."

The worst text you could ever get.

Just call him back and be, like, "I meant Jess is in Scotland".

- That's so good. - Brill.

- Hello. - Hi, Danny. Hi. It's Elliot.

Look, I'm really sorry about what Jess was saying.

She's really drunk. And she's in Scotland, basically.

- Just to give you a heads-up. - Stop it, Elliot. This is pathetic.

Let's get right to it.

I got both your balls in the palm of my hand.

First ball is this.

If you try and get in touch with Jessica, you try and go after her,

if you try and do any fucking thing at all,

I'm gonna put out a nationwide media alert about you

being wanted for the murder of Andrew Flanagan.

- But I didn't kill him. You can't do that. - I can.

'Cause I'm a DCI, aren't I?

And the evidence?

You broke into the home of and attacked his former lover.

You assaulted him at his workplace, and you were with him when he was killed.

Perception is reality, Elliot,

and the world's reality will be that you killed Andrew Flanagan.

And that's only the first ball that I can twist off.

Why is this hot?

- Shut up. - Second ball is this.

I don't trust that anything I just said will make you stay put,

so I sent my friend up to your aunt's wedding to keep an eye on you.

- It's obviously that guy. - It's definitely him.

So that's what's at stake.

You do anything I don't like,

I'll make you the country's most wanted criminal,

and politely ask my friend to put a bullet through your grandma's head.

- What the fuck? - You killed Andrew, didn't you?

I said sorry.

Yeah, well, that was a mistake, wasn't it?

You lot need to stop whoring out your hats.

Just please don't hurt Jess.

There's no way Jess is getting out of this alive.

Why?

Because your ex-boyfriend couldn't keep his cock in his pants,

and now people have to die.

And I'm gonna rip both of your balls out of their sack with my teeth.

Bye.

"Rip your balls out of the sack with my teeth."

- What? - We need to call the police.

- That was the police. - Oh, my Goddess.

- What? - Just posted.

"Elliot Byrd. Wanted for first-degree murder of a young gay man."

- With your photo and everything. - He's gonna kill Jess.

And your grandma, Elliot.

No, no, no. We need to get to Ireland, like, right now.

Okay? Right now. What are we gonna do?

There's a fucking mobster outside who wants to kill me and my fucking grandma.

And then this. Everyone in the fucking country will see my face.

- They know who I am. - No one watches the news any more.

- I don't even know what the news is. - See?

Oh, my God.

- What? - What?

From that Brummie guy I hook up with sometimes.

"I heard about the murder in Liverpool. Be careful, babe."

- What? - Elliot, you're famous.

- What? - Oh, my God.

What the fuck are you doing? Don't reply to him.

We need to figure out how to get out of this fucking mansion.

- I fucking replied to him. Okay? - Everyone relax.

I'm really good at planning. Listen up.

I'll get Janelle more drunk. She trusts me after our little chat.

I don't love to play it like that, but it's literally life or death right now.

Karis, you swipe the keys to the car, the pink one out front.

Check the boot and put the outfit on that you see in there.

Janelle told me that she brings it everywhere for strength.

Wear it inside the house so Elliot can wear it out.

This wedding is so fucked up.

No one will think twice about a sexy-breasted dolphin

walking everywhere. Just act confident.

Then, Charlie, if you see the mob guy being suss,

just come in and distract him.

Act stupid or something.

You'll be seeing that in your dreams tonight.

Hurry. Just get in. Let's go.

Now we go to the docks, rent a speedboat to Ireland,

and we get there faster than the ferry.

That was amazing, Raphael. You're seriously diabolical.

Don't make me blush.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

Get him. Get him.

Come on, Honeysuckle.

- Kill him. Kill him. - Yes, bitch.

I know I can't say anything.

I know I don't have the right, but do be careful.

We need to have, like, a really long conversation

when I'm back, Grandma, okay?

I know, Elliot. No more lies from me.

No more lies from you. I love you.

Toodle-oo, foggo. I meant the guy, not your grandma, Elliot.

It's fine.

"Ex-girlfriend of 'Gay Slayer' Elliot Byrd steps forward."

What? Fuck that. Okay, there's the boat man.

- Oh, my God. Look. - He would not stop trying to fuck me.

- I knew he was sick. - Elliot, she's so hot.

- I think I've found it. - Yeah? Let me see.

Yeah, that's gotta be it.

Green door, a big tree out front and yeah,

quarter of a mile from the pub. Perfect.

- Your boat's all ready, miss. - Wait. How long is the journey?

- Just under two hours. - What? Is he joking?

It might as well take a week.

That psycho cop's gonna get there any minute, and Jess has no clue.

It could be a lot quicker if it was just me and you,

without the dead weight.

- Okay. Yeah, sure. - No. We can't come?

No. I wanna come.

Thank God. DJ Bossy Baby is performing at Pumping Station tonight.

We could still make it.

Yes, I need to throw ass. It's been a stressful day.

You can't go alone. It's too dangerous.

It's fine, okay? There's no time. But just thank you. Thank you so much.

- Okay, but text us a lot, okay? - Okay.

- So, is youse married? - No.

- Okay, bye. - Bye.

- We love you. - I love you more.

- I love you more. - Shut up.

- We love you. - I love you.

Hi.

Hello.

- You've knocked me out and tied me up. - No, I didn't.

Chrysanthemum knocked over the standing lamp.

Then she tied me to the bed with her little horse hooves?

- I was gonna tell you, Jess. - What?

That you're actually not my sister,

but in fact my missing brother's secret mafia baby mum?

It's not fair to put it like that.

Why did you have to go snooping, Jess?

Now it's all...

Are you gonna kill me?

I mean...

I really don't want to.

Did you kill Peter?

Just hear me out, Jess.

I met Peter in a photography class.

I thought he was beautiful.

He had this purity around him, like a wounded, lonely little bird.

So we started talking from there.

It was literally like we had the same brain.

I had never felt so seen.

I never saw someone so clearly.

Both of our families were so fucked up. We both felt so unloved.

Not by you, though, Jess. He really loved you.

He was so broken, like me.

And no one was like me.

And then one day,

we hooked up,

and we fell in love,

and I got pregnant.

And normally I'd be like, "Fuck. My family is literally gonna kill me."

But I didn't even care.

I was gonna have a baby with Peter, my soul mate.

Oh, my God.

But then, things were different.

My head is just all over the place.

You know, he kept saying everything was fine, but I knew him too well.

So I followed him.

And I found out I was the side chick.

- How did you not know about Elliot? - How could you not know about me?

Then what?

I was crazy in love with Peter, okay? Like, crazy in love.

You know, the kind of love that rewires your whole brain,

where you're, like, no one on earth has ever felt love like this.

But he'd loved someone else the entire time.

Get off me!

- Do you even love me? - I do love you, Tina.

I just can't be any more than a friend to you.

You don't have a baby with your friend, Peter.

Tina, please.

I felt so betrayed, so violated, so fucking hurt.

I want you.

- I loved him so much. - But I love him.

He wanted Elliot, he didn't want me, and I, like,

lit on fire.

The finger's my fault. That was me.

So you act like you're my sister,

and the whole time you're the one who killed him.

- I don't know. - You don't know? You amputated him.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Oh, my God.

It was the last time I saw him. I was so scared.

I was in a nightmare. I didn't know what to do.

So I called my brother for help.

And he covered it up for me, like he does with all my family's shit.

And then all the news reports came out, all the missing stuff.

But last time I saw Peter he was alive, so why was he missing?

And then all that stuff I told you about the horse,

that was true, just with Peter, not Sam.

The horse turned up on my doorstep and I thought, great.

Okay, Peter was still alive.

But I never heard from him again,

and I had no way of getting in touch with him, so I tried to move on.

But then Nico got older

and started asking questions about where Daddy was.

I knew I had to at least try to find Peter, you know,

but without my family finding out, because,

remember, I was still claiming to be Mother Mary.

I put Nico on that DNA app, just hoping Peter had done the same thing.

And we matched.

And I thought you were Peter.

But then you were you. You were his sister.

And I knew how much he cared about you, how much he loved you,

and I knew if he hadn't been in touch with you,

he was dead, and it was my fault.

Because when I asked my brother to clean up my mess,

when I invited him into that,

to him, that meant kill Peter.

But the horse. He sent the horse. Why would he send the horse?

No. It wasn't him, Jess.

The farmer said it definitely wasn't Peter.

So he's gone.

Peter's dead.

I'm so, so sorry, Jess.

In some way he lives on,

through Nico, and you.

Fuck off, Tina.

Fuck you.

Jess.

I can't go to jail.

I can't lose Nico.

Help! Help!

No. Help!

Is everything okay in there?

Yes. We're fine.

- What's that? - That's just the TV. We're fine.

I'm just passing along a message for Jess.

The message is "Tina is not your sister, she's a murderer.

"And her sexy cop brother is coming. Run."

Okay. Thanks so much. I'll be sure to pass that on.

- Have a good one. - Bye.

Nico.

What? I'm playing.

We save Nico, then you are dead to me.

Come on.

Hi, sissy.

Fuck!

Tina? She's alive?

She's got all 10 fingers as well by the looks of it.

That's some serious growth. Well done.

And where's my favourite nephew?

- He's not here. We left him with a friend. - Yeah?

Look for the kid. He'll probably be with that misshapen horse.

- Be quiet. - Check upstairs. Maybe under the bed.

Don't be angry.

So, here we are, in Ireland.

So, what are you gonna do? Kill me like you killed my brother?

Stop. Is that what she told you? You know all about the finger, don't you?

And you killed him to cover it up.

I never hurt your boyfriend.

I only ever helped you.

So is Peter dead or not?

- Fuck if I care. - You told Dad.

How could you?

He was gonna give all my money to a toddler.

Of course I fucking told him.

You told him what? What has happened to my brother?

Well, I suppose you're gonna die anyway.

No sense in making you feel left out in your final moments.

Tina, what's going on?

I covered up for my bitch sister

when she got pregnant with your brother and sliced off his finger.

I kept it all quiet from my dad because... You know what?

I'm actually kind of a great brother. An asset to any family.

So, I went along with the whole immaculate conception bullshit.

What's the harm?

Then early last week, my dad pulls me aside

and says that a toddler is gonna inherit all the money, and not me.

Because this toddler is the second coming of Jesus Christ.

Only then did I tell my dad the truth. Nico certainly isn't Jesus Christ.

His real dad is that gay lad who went missing.

Tina cut off his finger.

Dad didn't like hearing that, but at least he changed the will back.

Right?

Well, the next morning,

just as he was about to do that,

he was murdered.

Tina,

want to tell us about what happened there?

- It's your fault. - Tina, what is he talking about?

He was saying the most awful things.

He said I was scum, filth, a slag.

Nico, a bastard.

We were both not worthy of being Megargees.

Unworthy of living at all and...

I snapped.

As my sister tends to do.

And again, I covered for her,

'cause we can't risk anyone looking into what we do.

As we say, one Megargee down, all Megargees down.

Tina's passion seems to be being a liability.

Then I think what happened is she burned her own house down

to make it appear like she was the victim or to fake her own death.

Bit of a weird one that, Tina. Can you explain that?

And now she's here with you, Jessica Ono, who knows too much.

So now you all have to die, and this nightmare will finally be over,

and I'll take my inheritance money and move to Miami

and live the stress-fee life on the beach,

with birds with big fake tits, and all this bullshit behind me.

No family members left for me to cover their arse.

Accountable to no one but myself.

Jess.

- Elliot. - Jess!

Elliot, don't come in here.

- Jess! - Elliot, run!

Well, that can't have been a fun sound to hear.

- Elliot. - Tell you what.

I'll do you now so you don't have to linger on it.

No! No! No! No!

Rigby?

Elliot?

- Jess. - Elliot. Elliot.

- I love you. - Oh, my God. I love you so much.

Get off me.

Fuck.

You...

My dick!

Are you okay?

- No, no, no. I'm fine. - I'm okay. Are you okay?

I've got you now, you bastard.

Don't move.

Danny Megargee, you are under arrest

for the murder of Andrew Flanagan,

and for tampering with evidence in the case of Peter Ono.

At last, Liverpool can heal.

- You're a police officer? - That's right, Jess.

My real name is Detective Benjamin Bubble.

I go by Rigby undercover, 'cause it's my dog's name.

I've been investigating the Megargee crime family for decades.

Thanks to you, Jess and Elliot,

I now have enough evidence to put this sociopathic clan

behind bars for the rest of damn eternity.

Sorry. What?

I started keeping tabs on you when you got in touch with Tina Megargee.

And then, when Danny Megargee, a senior member of the police force,

decided to personally show up at the scene of a cake finger,

well, I knew that we were getting close, so I offered you a lift.

I'm Rigby. Can I get you a water or anything?

And the rest is history.

Christina Megargee, you are under arrest

for the cutting off of Peter Ono's finger, as well as patricide.

- Wait. Didn't she kill Peter? - I did not kill Peter.

No, she just cut off his finger. He killed Peter.

- I didn't kill Peter. - Okay. So who killed Peter?

Wait. Is he still alive?

Elliot, please, just one case at a time, okay?

Let me have this win.

Okay, but you forgot your gun.

Let's go.

I played dead.

Learnt it from my sheep.

This way.

Hi. I figured you'd be back soon. Have you heard?

- No. - You're totally cleared.

You're, like, a victim now, I guess. But also, a hero.

And look. It's Jessica, alive and well.

I can read a room,

so we're not gonna talk about the fact that you're fired now.

But do know that it's coming, and very much a thing.

Can you book a taxi, please? I'll just be a minute.

What the fuck? I've been waiting here all night to drive you.

- I know it was you. - Know what was me?

You left the cat at Le BarkBark.

Elly, that's literally Marvin.

Yeah.

Well, that's what you get for fucking with a Scorpio moon, sweetie.

So, when you didn't text me back,

I thought, that boy needs some serious karma.

I found the perfect cat online.

Well, it was almost perfect. I made it perfect.

So I called the dog salon to find out what days you'd be...

Raphael, don't give a shit about your stupid plan.

Rude.

But I just need to know, how did you find out about the cat?

Elliot, you told me what you did.

"The cat just ran away. I'm really sorry."

And the cat was gone too.

Anyway, yesterday was fun.

Fuck you, Raphael.

I feel so rough.

I'll order bagels.

You okay?

No. You?

No.

I'm sorry my brother was such a fuck-up.

- You know I had no idea, right? - I know.

I can't believe how reckless he was.

With your heart, with mine.

Tina's, even.

That name is banned forever in our home, please.

Yeah. Sorry.

- Thank you very much. - Sorry.

I just can't believe he fucked her.

- It's so messed up, Elliot. - You know?

- Like, he actually fucked her. - It's fucking weird.

I don't wanna think about it.

We have spent the past five years

being punished for his mistakes.

I'm done with it.

Like, I'm done.

Yeah, I'm done too.

God, I'm so done.

- Can we be done? Yeah? - Yeah.

- We're done. We are done. - Okay.

Good.

Maybe it's that jumper that I ordered.

"To be sent to Elliot Byrd in case of my death. Yours, Andrew Flanagan."

Fuck that. Do you want me to just burn it?

- Why would he leave me anything? - Well, that's Will's will, if you will.

Okay.

Docuseries?

He did say he was looking into Peter's case.

Do you think he found something?

What's this?

Hi, Elliot.

If you're watching this, I'm dead. Fuck.

I knew I knew too much.

Anyway, I need you to get this to the BBC immediately,

but, like, feel free to add some stuff first.

I didn't make it as an actor while alive,

but I'll for sure have a posthumous pop-off

once they see what I've been gathering here.

- What the fuck is he talking about? - I don't know.

So, I just picked this up from the bakery.

Haven't looked at it yet. Thought I'd do an un-boxing.

It looks so real.

Oh, my God. Elliot is gonna freak.

Muffin Serious is the place to be. You know what to do. Efficient.

Come and look at this. This is absolutely wild.

Look at that.

Oh, my God. Are you ready for this? Are you ready?

It's freak. Look at that.

Okay. So he was, like, crazy-crazy.

Okay, I feel kinda bad now.

Elliot was so freaked out. Like, so sad.

There's no way he killed Peter, or knows what happened that day.

So is my crush on him socially acceptable now?

Found his list of suspects.

You're first, but your name's crossed out. Next is me.

Not crossed out. That's not fair.

You're only clear 'cause he thought you were hot.

- He did say not to trust you. - Stop.

Let's see what he has on me.

That is literally bad.

That was so fucking weird.

Like, literally, what?

Wait. Go back to me. I wanna see what he put for me.

Payoffs? "Did Elliot and his grandma work together to kill Peter?"

Fuck off, Andrew.

Hey, Elliot?

You sent Nico that horse.

Why is the foal I sold you years ago back at my farm?

I couldn't let that child grow up believing

his father didn't love him enough to stay.

What I told you was true.

Peter turned up at my door with that...

terrible maimed hand.

Francine, I'm really sorry. Can I come in, please?

I've got nowhere else to go. Can I come in? Thank you.

He said he needed help.

Said there was no one else he could turn to, that he needed money.

So, if you could just lend me just a bit of money,

I can leave it to Tina to raise the kid...

To get out of the mess he'd made.

...and then I'll be gone, forever, and you'll have your grandson back.

That scum...

I'll get onto the bank.

...had been so careless

with the most precious person on earth.

You, Elliot.

For that, there was no forgiveness.

Get rid of it.

You killed him.

To protect your heart.

Well, you shattered it into a million pieces.

I know that now.

But when Peter left, I let myself believe that you were healing,

that he was the cause for all your problems.

- What, being gay? - Yes, for being gay.

I thought I was saving you.

But I was pushing you away.

I'd failed you.

Like I failed your mother.

Like I failed everyone.

I'm so sorry, Elliot.

I'm so...

so sorry.

Fuck you.

The police heard everything.

Elliot.

Wanna go get drunk now?

Yes, please.

Get rid of it.

No phones.

- You've reached the voicemail of... - Elliot Byrd.

Please leave a message after the tone.

We're freaking free!