Original subtitles

[upbeat music playing]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[announcer] David A. Arnold!

[audience cheering loudly]

[chuckling]

Like, when I left here, like twenty-some years ago,

I know a lot of y'all didn't think I was gonna make it, so...

Like, let me tell you something.

I didn't think I was gonna make it. I ain't lying to you.

I graduated from high school with a 1.8. Do you understand?

No, listen to me. I did nuh-uh...

I don't even know if I graduated, to be honest with you.

I just left with the niggas I came with, I swear to God.

Four years later, they started walking out, I left, too.

I'm like, "We done? Okay. A'ight."

[chuckles] I don't know what's in that diploma... and I don't give a fuck!

Because this is the only thing I've ever wanted to do.

Like, you ever know you wanna do something? You're like, "This is it."

Like, when I was a kid, I couldn't tell you what I was gonna do,

but I could tell you what I wasn't gonna do.

What I wasn't gonna do was sit in no office.

I wasn't gonna do that. Fuck that job, you understand me.

I've been fired from all the jobs.

When I say "all the jobs," I'm not fucking around.

Every job. I ain't never put in no two-week notice. Never.

You know how you put in a two-week notice?

"I appreciate the opportunity,

but in two weeks, that's gonna be my last..."

I don't know what that feel like.

But I know what this is. "Uh, can we talk to you for a second?

No, no. Leave all that shit there. Just, come on."

[chuckling]

When they hit you with them two fingers,

that means, "We done had enough of your shit." That's what that means.

I've been fired so much,

I knew when I was gonna get fired two weeks before I even got fired.

You ever be at work, doing some shit,

and you'll be thinking to yourself,

"This... This is gonna be my last day right here. I feel it.

I'm sick of me. They gotta be sick of me."

They fire you at five minutes to 5:00 on Friday

after you done worked all day of the week.

See, that's why people get killed at work, right there.

It ain't about the termination,

it's about the disrespect of my time.

You knew you was gonna fire me last night, bitch.

Have my check ready.

And you... [stammers] You here.

If you're gonna fire me, you fire me at 5:30 in the morning

before I get out of bed and fight the traffic up there.

That's a termination I can respect, you understand?

I'm talking about early. [mimics phone ringing]

"Hello." "Uh, David, you're fired. You ain't even got to come down here."

[inhales, clears throat] "All right. Thanks, man."

Click. "Fuck it." [mumbles]

"Nigga, I'm fired. Why I gotta get up?"

[chuckles]

I'll think about what I'm gonna do at noon, you understand.

I don't give a fuck about that job.

And I've found a way to make a living not doing shit.

I've been doing nothing. I put this on at eight o'clock this morning,

I've been outside waiting for y'all to get here.

I ain't got shit to do.

[chuckles] You understand what I'm telling you?

And, like, when you ain't got nothing to do,

I'm great at filling up my day. Oh, I'm the best.

[stammers] Like, I'm... I can...

Like, if you didn't have to work right now, you would be lost by noon.

'Cause, normally, you at work, you at school, you trying to be somebody.

Me? Nah.

I know how to fill up a day.

Answer every call that come on that phone.

Ain't no need to send no calls to voicemail

when you ain't got shit to do.

Telemarketers, I talks to them.

I wanna see how long it is before I can make them hang up on me.

That's my job.

When they hang up, I call back.

"No, no. We got disconnected. Go ahead.

No, no, go ahead. You say,

they get three people and I get three people. Go ahead."

Jehovah's Witnesses? I let them in.

I'm like, "Oh, you done knocked on the wrong goddamn door. Let's go.

Uh-uh. I ain't got shit to do but argue with your ass. Let's go!"

And when I tell...

When I tell you,

me and the Jehovah's Witness lady was getting into it...

And I was really just fucking with her, 'cause I ain't got shit to do. Right?

And she... This is how I knew she was tired of me.

I'm at home one day. Through the kitchen, my window,

I see her run by the house.

[chuckles] I was like, "Oh, this bitch is trying to avoid me, huh."

The next day, the Jehovah's Witness' supervisor come to the door, right.

Exactly. I didn't even know they had a supervisor.

This nigga got attitude,

he got them keys with that little thing on it.

He's trying to reprimand me.

"Uh, the volunteers is complaining.

They say you're harassing them,

and we need you to let them go by."

[chuckles] I'm offended, right, like, "I know my rights,

and I got the right to be converted, you understand?

Now, you tell her to get The Watchtowers and the coloring books,

and get her ass in here.

We got some arguing to do, bitch."

[audience clapping]

[chuckles]

She quit! She really did. She quit.

'Cause I... Then a few days later,

I saw a new Witness in the neighborhood.

I went outside, I'm like, "Hey!

The fuck Betty at?"

[laughs] He's like, "Betty is an atheist now. Thanks a lot."

"Oh, shit...

No, no, no. I was fucking around. Tell her...

Tell her, tell Jesus I was kidding."

[loud laughter]

[laughs] Like, I'm...

This is it. Like, for me, I've realized, like, when I look back on my life,

I used to think,

"How come I've never been, like, good at nothing?"

But then I realized I was doing shit

that I wasn't supposed to be doing. You know what I'm saying?

Like I was never supposed to do nothing but do this.

My father, he never understood that.

My father... I grew up, my father... My father is...

My father is an engineer. He's a retired engineer.

He works. He, like... He don't get not working.

You understand? That don't make no sense.

When I was a kid, he was like, "I've never seen nobody

just fuck around and play all day.

That's all you do, fuck around and play and fuck around."

And he would actually do this. "You fuck around and..."

You ever see somebody in a JCPenney suit going, "Fuck around...

Fuck around and play."

"What kind of a job you gonna get when you just fuck around and play all day?"

[audience laughing and clapping]

You know, my father, he's very proud of me.

He loves the fact of what I've done. Not "impressed."

[laughter]

Let me be clear.

"You're doing good, but when you come home,

there's still some shit at the house I need you to do."

Every time I come home, he got something for me to do.

Right? He don't... 'Cause I...

"Hey, Dad, I'm on my way..."

"Yeah, I heard you was...

coming home to tell your little jokes.

But before you do that...

there's some shit at the house I need you to do."

And he at that age where he repeats himself, you know what I mean?

You know, the older they get, the more they say the same shit over and over.

"I need you to come here, David,

'cause I need you to help me cut this grass.

We gonna rotate these tires,

and then your mama gonna make you something to eat, all right."

I said, "All right. I'll be there." "Don't be late.

'Cause it's gonna be hot out here today

and I don't wanna be in the heat, you understand?

'Cause we gotta cut this grass.

We gonna rotate these tires,

and then your mama gonna make you something to eat."

I said, "I got it!"

And like, I knew... I could never talk to my dad.

'Cause you wanna talk to him, but you can't.

'Cause I could never ask him a simple question

and just get a simple answer.

You know what I mean. Just, "Hey, how you doing today, Mr. Arnold?"

[exhales deeply]

"Well...

some day, you the bug, some day, you the windshield."

Wha...

Wha... Wha... What...

What does that mean?

I go to my parents' house.

They ain't upgraded nothing in the house since 1986. Nothing.

It's like I left and they went,

"Fuck it. We gonna ride it out like this. That's how it is."

I don't know what it is about old people and the air.

They refuse to turn on the AC.

They swear you're gonna blow up their bill.

"Oh, you're not gonna blow up my bill in here."

Ain't nobody gonna blow up your bill!

I just want to knock the heat out of the house.

"You want to knock out the heat?

You open this window right here and you open that window right there,

and you get a cross-breeze."

"What?

I don't want no cross-breeze!

I want some AC. It's hot in this bitch."

He said, "It don't matter how hot it is inside, David,

'cause we gonna be outside.

'Cause I need you to help me cut this grass.

We gonna rotate these tires,

and then your mama gonna make you something to eat."

I said, "God damn, I got it!"

And, like, the more you try to not be like your parents,

the more you just be like them.

'Cause you ain't got no other example.

That's the only thing... I ain't got no example.

Me and my wife, we will go through lengths

to try to not be like our parents.

And you find yourselves slipping, because I was not raised...

We was raised complete... Me and my wife are different.

She's very, "Oh, my God. Oh! Uh! Eh!"

[laughter]

I don't do nothing the right...

We got kids. We raise kids completely different,

you know what I'm saying?

I never wanted to put people out so early in my life.

Do you understand? That 13-year-old...

I got two, they're 11 and 13. Anna-Grace...

When I tell you I'm about...

She gonna catch it in the face, I swear.

I never seen nobody...

What happens to girls at 13

that you lose your fucking mind? What happens?

Like, I put her to bed one day, she was a regular 12-year-old little girl.

Right? I said, "Good night, Anna-Grace."

"Good night, Daddy." She went to bed.

She came downstairs at 13 with an attitude.

All I hear is... [mimics grunting]

I said, "Why the fuck you so stressed out?

What's going on in seventh grade that's got you wore the fuck out?"

[laughter]

"Everything in here is free.

Why the fuck you so nervous?"

I went to my wife. I said, "What's wrong with these kids?"

My wife looked at me and went... [mimics grunting]

I said, "Oh, you're all crazy. Okay."

All of 'em. Every...

Ashlyn, my 11-year-old...

Ashlyn is the most honest kid I'll ever meet.

Because Ashlyn tell the truth about everything.

It makes me uncomfortable, to be honest with you.

I mean, I was a liar coming up as a kid.

I lied. All my sentences started with,

"I didn't do it." All my sentences.

Ashlyn, she don't... She tells you about everything.

The other day, I came downstairs. There was icing.

Bundt cake, poured around the top.

All the icing gone, dug out.

Just around the top.

Her fingers, her little fingers, just...

I caught her and said, "Ashlyn, come here.

Did you eat all the icing off the cake?"

I'm expecting a lie.

She looked at me and went, "Yes, I did."

[laughter]

I said, "Why would you do that?"

She said, "Well, that's the only part I like."

"What about the rest of us that like icing?

I'm supposed to eat a piece of icing-less cake?"

She said, "If you don't want any, don't have any."

[loud laughter]

[cheering]

Then she walked away!

I said, "God damn, what?"

My wife came downstairs five minutes later.

Saw the cake, looked at me...

and went, "Who ate all the icing off the cake?"

I said, "Ashlyn."

She said, "So I'm supposed to eat a piece of icing-less cake?"

I said, "If you don't want any, don't have any."

[laughter and clapping]

She cut a piece of icing-less cake,

we both sat our ass down and ate icing-less cake.

That's what happened.

These kids is in charge.

Because you can't beat your kids like you...

You know, oh, everybody, "Well, whoop 'em."

You can't beat 'em. That don't do no good, you know what I'm saying?

And this is another thing. This is why I won't fuck with my kids like that.

My biggest fear is being sent to the nursing home.

You understand?

Let me tell you something. All of y'all who got kids,

and you be whooping them and talking crazy to 'em,

these is the people...

that decide when and if your ass go to the nursing home.

You understand?

You ain't gonna always be out here

drinking and chasing ass and doing what you're doing.

One day, somebody got to make a decision

whether to roll you in front of a window and leave you for eight hours.

[chuckles] I'm not going to the nursing home.

My wife, she going to the nursing home.

We already know she going. We prepared for it, you understand.

Because I'll never forget the day

my oldest decided she was going to the nursing home.

Her and Anna-Grace was arguing about a popsicle, right.

My wife said, "You can't have no popsicle."

She said, "I want one." She said, "You can't have no popsicle!"

Most of the time, Anna-Grace would fall out.

This time, she collected herself,

like she knew something we didn't know.

And she looked at my wife, went, "Oh, really?"

[clicks tongue] "Cool, cool."

I said, "God damn."

I said, "Did you see what just happened?"

She said, "What?" I said, "You going to the goddamn nursing home."

She said, "You out of your mind."

I said, "I'm telling you right now,

when the men in white come to drag you out of here 50 years from now,

you're like, 'Oh, David, help!'

I'll be like, 'No, woman. She ate the popsicle in 2018.'"

I got the popsicle. I'm like, "Here you go, Anna-Grace.

You remember who gave you the popsicle."

Fucking with these kids.

The hardest time in our house...

is homework time.

If you got kids, you got to do homework.

Let me tell you something, that shit is stressful.

You understand? 'Cause it takes me and my wife,

both of us, to get through one sitting

without trying to kill one of these childs.

You know what I'm saying? Like, it take both of us.

We like a little tag team.

I go in there and relieve her when I hear her getting, you know... [stammers]

I'll be in my office. I hear,

[shouts] "Anna-Grace, you need to focus!"

I'm like, "All right, let's go. Tap out, come on, tap out.

You're scaring the baby. Tap out."

I go in there like I'm gonna do any better with my 1.8.

I say, "Anna-Grace, listen to Daddy.

What's two plus three?" She said, "Five." I said, "Very good.

What's three plus two?"

She said, "I don't know."

[laughter]

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

She said, "Well, that's different."

I said, "It's not different. It's the same."

She said, "It's not the same. It's different."

I said, "Anna-Grace, how is it different?"

She said, "This is two and three."

I said, "Right." She said, "That's three and two."

I said, "Yes." She says, "That different or is that the same?"

I said, "Okay, it's different, but it's the same."

She said, "It's not the same." I say, "Anna-Grace, it's the same."

My wife walked in and said, "Let's go. Tap out. Come on.

Come on. Tap out. You're scaring the baby. Tap out."

Now, me and my wife, we arguing.

I'm mad 'cause she done tapped me out in my house, right.

I'm like, "Listen, woman, you don't tap me out in my house.

You understand?"

She said, "You was yelling at the baby."

Said, "I wasn't yelling. I was talking loud."

She said, "Talking loud and yelling is the same."

I said, "It's not the same, it's different."

[laughter]

My daughter walked in and said,

"Daddy, it's the same. Come on. Tap out. You're scaring Mommy. Tap out."

I think if... And you know what's funny?

It's always funny when you have friends who have kids,

like, way after you.

So, they'll be excited about being parents,

and you done lost all your love for it.

I got a friend right now. He...

I got a friend. He got about...

I think his kid is just like two.

He's sending videos. "Hey, look, she...

She doing this, she doing that."

I don't care.

I don't give a shit about your kids.

We trying to act like we care about our kids.

Ain't nobody got time to be fucking with your kids.

[laughter and clapping]

One person sent a video. "Oh, she's walking."

I said, "That's what happens. They start walking.

Don't be sending me no regular shit.

When she fly, then send a video.

When she do some shit that ain't gonna happen."

[cheering and clapping]

Nobody gives a fuck about your kids.

Do you understand that?

When you show me a picture of your kid,

and you get to swiping,

on that second swipe, you're infringing on my time.

I just... This is what I think... If you... Let me tell you something.

If your kids ain't shit...

Stay with me.

[laughter]

If your kids ain't shit,

you should have to suffer

through your kids not being shit

by yourself, you understand?

Don't be inviting society out

to watch your kid fail

at whatever it is you forcing them to do, all right.

First of all, don't set your kids up to do shit

you know they're not gonna be good at.

First up, that little fat ballerina,

you know who I'm talking about?

You know who the fuck I'm talking about.

She this tall, she 138 pounds.

She ain't no dancer.

She ain't got a dancer's body.

It ain't gonna work out for her, you understand.

She is a linebacker, you understand.

Let's get her future started today. You hear me?

One of my boys, to this day... I swear, I got so mad at his ass...

He called me on the phone, "Would you come watch my daughter dance?"

I said, "God damn, this ain't gonna be good."

I go to the recital. They had... You know, dancing is quiet.

She in there on that little stick,

and they doing their little...

And all of sudden, I started hearing...

[high-pitched cry]

I'm like, "What the fuck is this noise?"

[high-pitched cry]

And then I realized, it was the fat ballerina.

Her knees was bothering her.

So, every time she went down,

you could hear... [high-pitched cry]

I started getting anxious.

I'm like, "Don't nobody see the fat ballerina is struggling?"

She went down...

On that third dip, and that left knee gave out,

and she buckled and ripped that stick out the wall...

Now I gotta ride home with him,

and his little fat ballerina,

and act like I didn't see this four-year-old

rip a cinderblock out the goddamn wall.

It's disrespectful to our friendship.

And then her parents go, "How... How was she?"

You know how she was. She wasn't shit! Why...

Why you bring me out here?

Look at all the fat ballerina parents. Look at all the...

It's who I am!

I know that it's wrong. It's who I am.

I don't follow rules.

My daughter was getting bullied in school.

My wife is a rule follower.

Right, this little boy... [mumbles]

Putting his thing in.

I told Julie... I said, "Julie, handle this shit.

'Cause I'm gonna go up to the school and I'm gonna get us put out."

[laughter]

"I can take care of it.

I've been to the conflict resolution classes.

I will handle it, David."

I said, "You got a week." Shit kept going.

I said, "I'm gonna take Anna-Grace to school."

I took her to school.

Dropped her off.

Sat in the parking lot and waited for the father to come out.

I knew who it was.

Said, "Let me talk to you."

Said, "I know you know that your daughter...

I mean, your son been fucking with my daughter.

If he touch her one more time,

I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna touch you, you understand me?"

When I tell you his face turned 19 shades of different white...

So, the bullying stopped.

Two weeks later, my wife came to me, she said,

"I don't know if you know...

but the situation has been handled."

[laughter and clapping]

"The conflict resolution classes work, David,

if you let it work."

I said, "Okay, motherfucker..."

She just found that out, right now. She just found out.

When I tell you what we go through

to try to make sure our kids are not fucked up...

'Cause it's hard. 'Cause you don't never know what's gonna fuck up your kids.

'Cause you done already done it.

My biggest fear is that they...

I come somewhere and they on the pole, stripping.

I'm like, "What the fuck you doing up there?

What happened?"

"You remember...

when I wanted all that icing off the cake..."

[loud laughter]

"I'm dancing for icing, Daddy."

Mmm.

"What the fuck is going on?

We had another cake! You could've had all the icing."

I try not to fuck them up.

I swear to God, I do my best to not...

One of the things I'm really... I try my best,

is for our kids to not hear me and my wife having sex.

Do you understand me?

Nothing scars your kids like...

[stammers] Like, when I said it, look how y'all got.

[gasps dramatically]

The thought of hearing your parents fucking

destroys your soul, don't it?

Well, I tell you, my parents didn't give a fuck about me coming up.

My room was next to theirs.

They was in there fucking like they didn't have no kids.

Do you understand?

In the middle of the night...

"You want it?" "Oh, I want it!"

"If you got it, then give it to me!"

"Here it come, nigga. Here it come!"

I'm like, "What the fuck is going on in there?

I'm trying to grow up in here. What are y'all doing?"

I gotta go to church the next day

and look at my mother catch the Holy Spirit.

I'm like, "No, no, bitch.

I heard you last night. This is... disrespectful."

I feel good, though, man.

I dropped, like, 25 pounds to do this shit, so I feel good.

Looking good, homie. Oh, shoot!

I was going to work out at home with them little workout DVDs.

I don't like that.

I don't like the names. They're too much.

They're too... [gruffly] Insanity: Asylum.

Calm down, all right?

I don't need no prison body, okay?

I don't need to be strong enough to ward off no shower rape, all right.

[chuckles] I need enough energy to make my kids some oatmeal in the morning.

I need a DVD called Do What you Can. You know what I'm saying?

'Cause they be doing... "We gonna start off with 85..."

No, we not.

I'm not gonna start off with 85...

I never needed to do 85 nothing.

I never even needed to do ten push-ups.

Not... None.

Two... at the most, you understand?

One down, to see if my keys were under the car.

One back up when it did. That's it.

Why do I need to work out like this?

I'm married. It's over. You hear me?

[laughs] I need to be ripped up

so I can do regular chores around the house

with my shirt off for a woman who don't give a fuck? Really?

[laughter and clapping]

Nah. We 'bout to sit here and eat these Doritos

and fall apart together, that's what the fuck we about to do.

And all my friends are like, "Come on, Dave.

Man, don't you want a six-pack?"

No, I don't.

I've had a six-pack before. I don't need no six-pack no more.

I got money now.

Money trumps six-pack every fucking time. You understand me?

Any of you ladies don't believe me,

you sitting there with your man, he got a six-pack.

I got six months of your rent. What you wanna do?

[cheering and clapping]

Look, the women are clapping, the guys is like,

"Uh, I don't like this joke.

It's disrespectful."

I don't care... [chuckles]

Like, you know what it is?

It takes time to get comfortable in your skin.

That's what it is. You know, I'm 50.

You understand? I'm so comfortable in my skin right now.

That's how long...

[cheering]

I know who I am. I'm petty. I'm a petty individual.

Shit that shouldn't bother me destroys my soul.

Do you understand me?

You know what I mean? Like, you ever be so petty

that you don't even want to say it out loud?

'Cause you know it's some petty shit, right?

You're like, "This is petty. I'm not gonna say that."

I say it. I don't give a fuck.

I got... Somebody has to know.

I had a... Let me tell you.

My cousin came to stay with me.

I live in LA. My cousin came to stay with me.

He was moving from North Carolina to LA.

Their furniture was on the truck

behind them about three days.

They said, "We need three days." I said, "I got you."

A day and a half in, I went, "Uh-uh. Can't take it no more.

I need you to get your shit and go, you understand."

And it ain't for the reasons you put people out.

It ain't like they was running up bills or they weren't chipping in on food.

That ain't the problem. This was the problem.

The problem was

the nigga was using too much ice. That was the problem.

It was too much, you understand? I'm an ice man.

I bought a brand-new state-of-the-art refrigerator

to make sure I get a fresh glass of ice

every time I go to get something to drink.

But I notice...

that ever since him and his girl have been walking around this house,

the ice in here has been real scarce.

That's all I'm saying.

You ever go to your refrigerator, expecting... And you get that...

[mimics loud whirring]

Two cubes. I'm like, "Where the fuck is all the ice?"

Chris walked by with two fresh tumblers full of ice.

I'm like, "Nigga, you gotta go."

I told my wife, I said, "Julie, Chris and them got to go."

She said, "What... What... What is wrong with you?"

I said... [angrily] "They're using too much ice."

She said, "Are you crazy?"

She said, "You gonna put your family out because of ice?"

I said, "It ain't just the ice usage.

He disrespecting my ice functions as well."

I'm a cubed-ice man.

He obviously is a crushed-ice guy.

But it seemed like to me after you get your crushed ice,

you put the function back on cubed ice...

As in, now fuck off, the only two cubes

you obviously think I deserve!

You ever seen what two cubes of crushed ice look like?

The shit evaporates before you fill your glass up.

"Get your shit. You gotta go.

No, no, nigga. Leave my ice here, but I need you to go."

I'm petty.

That's who I am, and I'm fine with it.

Stuff that bother other people don't bother me.

My grandmother died.

Everybody was upset...

that I wasn't upset that Grandma was dead.

And everybody was like, "She was your favorite.

How could you not..." [grunts angrily] "What in God's na..."

I said, "Grandma was 92.

It's over."

Let me tell you something. When my grandmother died...

When my grandmother died, this is how I knew it was okay to let Grandma go.

Last time I saw Grandma alive,

she was pissed off she was still alive.

I'd never seen anything...

The nicest woman. I say, "Hey, Grandma, what you doing?"

"Nothing.

I'm just sitting here, David."

I said, "Uh, why don't you turn on the TV?"

"I've seen all the shows."

[laughter and clapping]

"I don't want to see no more shows, David.

I got to get the fuck out of here."

I said, "You don't want no potatoes..."

"I don't want nothing to eat, I don't want to see no shows.

I got to go."

I said, "God damn!

She has had enough."

So when she died, I knew my grandma...

My grandfather had been dead 20 years.

He was... She was waiting on...

He'd been waiting on her for years. Like, "Bitch, where you at?

I've been laying here for 20 years. Where the fuck are you?"

[laughter and applause]

They finally got the chance to be together.

You know what I'm saying? I'm not... People, they...

My uncle... I had an Uncle Joe. Uncle Joe died. A hundred and six.

[audience whoops]

"Whoo!" That's what you say at the funeral of somebody that's 106.

"Whoo! Damn! Wow!"

My dramatic-ass aunt.

"He went too soon!"

I said, "Who the fuck said that?"

[loud laughter]

"Too soon"? This nigga should've been dead 30 years ago.

I should've never met Uncle Joe, you understand.

We should've just missed each other. That's all I'm saying.

Talking about, "He went too soon."

They say...

They say he died of natural causes,

I say he killed himself. That's what I say.

'Cause you figure, 106... "Shit, the Lord forgot me, huh?

Guess I'm gonna have to do it myself."

[laughter and clapping]

Uncle Joe, he jumped to his death, too.

A hundred and six, you ain't gotta jump out no window.

[chuckles] This nigga jumped off the bed. That was it.

[chuckles]

He was shattered into a cloud of dust in the living room.

[mimics explosion]

I vacuumed him up. "Uncle Joe went too soon."

[audience laughing]

I...

I love how y'all laughing

at old people dying and exploding into dust.

But I'm the person with the problem.

I need my cred... Look, that's where I'm at.

I'm at that age in my life, I need my credit.

I need my credit for everything.

You know how people be like...

You ever hear somebody say, "I did it because it's the right thing to do."

You ever hear that?

I don't give a fuck about the right thing to do.

I do stuff 'cause I need you to know I did it.

You understand?

Like, if I feed a houseful of homeless children on Thanksgiving,

when they say the grace, I'm gonna be standing at the table.

Looking at them, going, "Little niggas, it was me, you understand?

I need you to know, you understand."

That's who I... Everything. Not just in work,

in my personal life. Church?

When I tithe, I don't use no envelope.

I don't want no envelope.

I need everybody in my row to see what I'm giving, do you understand?

Me and my wife, we at church the other year, right.

-I'm sitting down, the plate... -[audience clamoring]

Mind your business.

Mind your business.

Jesus know my heart, you understand.

I was at church, that's the point.

The plate came,

my wife was like, "David, you want an envelope?"

I said, "I don't want no envelope, Julie.

I want them to see this 100 I'm about to put on their ass."

I put the 100 in the plate,

the plate moved. When the plate moved, the 100 blew out.

The woman next to me picked up the 100, put the 100 back in the plate.

At that moment, I see the pastor see her put the 100 in the plate.

Looked at her, gave her a nod, like, "Thank you very much."

I went, "Oh, hell no. This can't happen.

I need my credit. Are you out of your mind?"

Soon as the service was over... [chuckles]

I beeline to the back. My wife was like,

"Where are you going, David?" I said, "I'm going to talk to the man, Julie."

She said, "David, don't embarrass me."

I said, "Woman, let it happen, you understand?"

I went into the back, I said,

"Excuse me, Your Honor, can I talk to you?"

I said, "I noticed that you noticed...

Sister Bad Wig put 100 in the plate."

And he said, "Well, that was a very generous offer."

I said, "Yeah, but...

I don't wanna be petty...

but I'm the one that gave the 100, you understand?"

He said, "What do you want me to do, David?"

I said, "I'm just saying.

When you talk to God...

let him know I'm the one that gave the 100.

'Cause I'm about to do some foul shit tonight.

I need $100 worth of forgiveness, that's all I'm saying."

I don't know how the fuck I got like this.

You know what I'm saying? I was working somewhere...

I don't know where I was performing.

I was somewhere onstage,

I remember I was just in the middle of work,

and I just, onstage, I started doing this...

"Mmm."

Then it hit me. I said, "Look at this shit. I'm at work.

I'm doing this, y'all laughing.

They gonna give me money. Nigga, I'm at work."

Can't none of y'all do this shit at your job. Not none of y'all.

Go into work tomorrow and stand in the lobby...

Don't say shit,

just look everybody in the eye, boom!

You know how hard you got to work

to find a job where this shit right here is acceptable?

I've been sober for, like, 20 years now, right.

-[audience cheers loudly] -Yeah.

And, like, when you get your shit together,

everybody has a way, or their version or way to keep you on the right track.

You know, everybody has their idea. My mom's was like, you know...

"I need to talk to you about a point in your life.

You know, there's a point in your life that we need to talk."

I said, "All right."

"Jump in the car. I got someplace I want to take you."

So, I get in the car. We go for a ride.

We end up in a trailer park.

That's all I can... It's the best I can call it.

And I'm like, "Mom, what are we doing here?"

And she's like, "Just relax." She blow the horn.

Out of one of these trailers comes this person.

Now I can't see their face,

but I can feel the energy between them,

and I know they got some kind of history.

You know what I'm saying?

I'm like, "What the fuck is going..."

She look at him, he look at her,

he look at me looking at him look at her.

And she looked back at me and said, "Get out the car."

I said, "What?" She said, "Nigga, get out the car."

So I get out the car, she looked back at him and says,

"Talk to your son, I'll be back in an hour," and drove off.

I said, "What the fuck is this?"

Now, all my life, when I grew up,

I had rumblings that who I thought was my father

was not actually my father.

'Cause all my life, I thought, "Cut the grass," was my father.

You know what I'm saying?

That's who I fucked with.

But as I started walking closer to this person,

I started to see me.

And I went, "Shit, this is who made me."

We go inside. He's not doing good.

You know what I'm saying? He'd been drinking.

Life has not been good for him.

We talk for about an hour.

I don't remember everything that was said.

I just remember there was apologies, there was tears.

And I remember, you know...

it just being uncomfortable.

About an hour in, the horn blew,

I knew it was my mother and it was time for me to go.

So I got up, I walked to the door, and I heard him say, "David,"

and I turn around and I looked at him, he had tears in his eyes.

He said, "I need you to know that I'm sorry

that I wasn't able to be the father that you needed me to be."

But what he don't know... And I could appreciate that,

but what he don't know is that I needed him to be exactly who he was

so I could be who I am today.

[audience cheering and clapping]

And I could tell that he wanted me to say something to break the tension,

something to make the last 30 years

that he had been gone in my life okay.

And I didn't know what to say.

So I looked at him and I went...

"Some day, you the bug, some day, you the windshield."

[laughter and whistling]

'Cause what the fuck I'm supposed to say?

"You not my father.

I respect you, but Eddie Arnold is my father, you understand.

And I got to go.

'Cause we about to cut this grass,

we gonna rotate these tires,

and then my mama gonna make us something to eat. Do you understand?"

Stay with me, y'all, stay with me.

'Cause it's the... Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

Do you understand? Anybody who married know.

That shit is not for the weak.

It is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

And I've been on cocaine, do you understand?

But I know how to pace myself with her, boy, I swear to God, I do.

They don't listen. They don't...

Women, I love y'all, don't fucking listen.

I never seen a group of people that don't listen to shit.

I took my wife on vacation, took her to Cuba, right.

The night before, she tears her foot playing volleyball.

Now, I'm trying to be positive.

I'm like, "Baby, we gonna have a good time.

Don't matter. Let's get on this ship. We deserve..."

In my mind, I'm thinking, "This bitch fucking up my vacation."

'Cause now I got to help her around and carry her shit.

She can't even walk.

So I decided, I say, I'm gonna get one of them knee-wheelie things for her,

so she can get around the ship, right.

She like, "I don't want that.

I can crutch around..."

I said, "Julie, the ship is big, you gonna get tired.

Why don't you listen?"

"I know what I'm doing." I know she don't know,

so I got the knee-wheelie thing anyway.

Had it waiting in the room when she got there.

We get in the room, she sees it.

[sighs in exasperation]

"I told you I don't need this."

I said, "You gonna need it.

That ship is big, you gonna get tired."

"I'm fine." So we go for a walk.

And I tell you, I walked the shit out of her.

She... [mimics wincing, grunting]

Doing her best to prove she... "Aaah!"

I saw her getting weak around an hour-fifteen.

"Aaah! Aaah!"

She finally broke down.

[breathing heavily]

"I'll take the knee-wheelie thing."

Now we go from one extreme to another.

Now she's zipping around the fucking boat.

"Hyah! Hyah!"

I said, "Julie, slow down."

"You need to keep up.

Hyah! Hyah!"

I said, "This shit ain't gonna be good."

They had a wine-tasting one night.

She about three glasses in.

She don't drink but one and she done.

I said, "Julie, get the crutches, you understand?

You don't need to be wheeling around in here while you've been drinking."

"I know what I'm doing. Hyah! Hyah!"

You ever see where carpet and wood meet?

It was in those six inches that it all went bad for her.

And I saw the shit coming.

I said, "Julie, slow down."

"You can't... Hyah! Hyah!"

And on that third, "Hyah," she...

"Hyah... uh!"

[chuckles] Everything was in slow motion.

She went, "No!"

She looked at me, she went, "David, no!"

I looked back, I said, "Bitch, slow down!"

She hit the ground.

You ever see a turtle on its back? Aah!

"Oh, God! David!"

The whole ship looking at her.

Then they looking at me to see what I'm going to do.

I did what any husband would do

when his wife's in an embarrassing situation like this.

I pulled out my phone and took a picture for Instagram.

Bam.

"Hashtag, 'bitch, slow down.'" I'm trying to...

They don't listen! They don't listen to shit.

When we got on the cruise,

we got to Cuba, they said, "Leave your jewelry on the boat."

I don't know why. I don't care why.

You tell a man, he'll say, "I'm cool. Whatever. Got it."

"I wanna bring my Apple Watch."

"What?"

"I need to count my steps."

I said, "Your foot is tore off.

I can count your steps for you.

Every step you take... half-step, that's all you get."

"Boy, at least let me wear my wedding ring.

I need people to know that I belong to someone."

I said, "I'm standing right next to you."

Then she gets mad. "I don't like the tone you're talking to me in."

I said, "What tone do you think the nigga who steal your shit gonna use?

What tone do you think that gonna be?"

[chuckling] Fucking listen.

I never see... I notice all...

Let me tell you something. It's always some shit at my house.

Always some, "Ta-ta-ta..." They always got something.

The other day, I said, "Where's the iron?" "I don't know."

Not, "I don't know, let me help you look."

"I don't know, I don't give a fuck...

and good luck with whatever the fuck it is you gotta iron."

That's her attitude.

That don't work for me, you understand.

We got two jobs in this house.

My job is to put money in the house. Her job is to run the house.

And part of running the house is knowing where the goddamn iron is.

You understand?

Now, if you want to go out in society and generate a check,

then we both can walk around here

not knowing where the fuck the iron is.

But if I'm making all the money,

I need you to know where the goddamn iron is.

Now, I'm looking at a lot of women going, "I'm not gonna do it."

You gonna do it.

Because let me ask you a question, ladies,

if you got a choice between working 60 hours a week,

or knowing where the iron is, what the fuck you gonna do?

You're gonna get that goddamn iron, that's right.

So I need some of y'all to change your faces, you understand.

[chuckles]

But I gotta be honest with you,

I swear to God, I'm shocked that she's still there.

I'm shocked she's still with me. I'd have left me a long time ago.

Every time I come home, she'll be there, I'll be shocked just a little bit.

I walk in, I'm like, "Huh, look at you, all right...

Well, let's see what the fuck happened today."

'Cause we've been through it. Let me tell you something.

We have been through... Me and my wife have been through it.

People who know us personally know...

[stammers]

We are where we are because we've been through it.

You know, let me tell you... 'Cause it was over.

Six, seven years... Six, seven years ago, shit, nigga,

when I tell you, "over,"

it was... I was... I will never... I will never forget it.

We were lying in bed one night... [sighs]

You know, doing her favorite thing.

Not fucking. And...

[laughter]

I remember something inside said,

"David, just say it. Get it out."

And I remember going... [stammers] "I can't take this shit no more.

I gotta get the fuck out of this marriage."

And I remember, I was like, "There's about to be an argument."

She looked at me and went, "Me, too."

I said, "Oh, shit!"

We were so excited that we finally agreed on something...

We got up and went to the lawyer's office that day, you understand.

You'd have thought we was on our way to vacation.

We got to the lawyer's office, like,

"Me and my wife, we've had enough of each other.

We want you to split this shit up. We ready to get the fuck out."

My lawyer looked at our financial profile and went,

"Uh..." [chuckles] "You ain't got shit to split."

I was like, "What're you talking about?"

He like, "The house is underwater, your credit ain't good,

she ain't worked in years.

I don't know what the fuck you doing, David."

He's like, "I'm gonna be honest with you,

now ain't the time for nobody to be leaving nobody."

When we thought we could afford to get a divorce,

oh, we was best of friends.

When we realized we couldn't afford to leave each other,

oh, we went in on each other, you hear me?

I looked at my wife and went, "You hear this, bitch?

If you was working, we could've got the fuck out of here today."

My wife was like, "Fuck you, David.

If you would've became a doctor like you was supposed to,

instead of telling these bitch-ass jokes, we could've left."

My lawyer interrupted us, like, "Whoa!

What the fuck is wrong with y'all?

Y'all are here talking about how this is going to affect y'all,

but what about the people this is gonna affect most?

What about your children? What about your kids?"

And I looked at him with all the understanding

I could come up with in my eyes,

and I said, "Man, fuck them kids, you hear me?

They're the reason we still in here today."

I called the family together.

I said, "Everybody in. Let's talk. I need to talk to you.

Listen, me and your mama done had enough.

Now, I need y'all to get your shit together

so we can get the fuck out of here."

My oldest daughter looked at me and went, "Thank God. What you want me to do?"

I said, "I need you to graduate on time,

'cause if you got to repeat a grade,

we both gonna have to be here another year and we can't take this shit no more."

I said, "Now, if you all focus and put your hands together,

we can get the fuck out of here.

Everybody, hands in, 'divorce' on three. Let's go!

One, two, three, divorce!"

And I tell you, we went to work, you understand me?

My wife got a job, I got a second job,

my daughter started selling weed and giving us the money.

You've never seen a group of people come together and work so hard,

just so we could be apart.

The shit was fantastic, you understand.

We worked together so hard and so closely over the next three and a half years,

that by the time we could afford to leave each other,

God damn it, we was in love again.

[cheering and clapping]

It's divorce that saved my marriage.

You know, and I don't do the side chick.

Can't do the side chick... y'all, it's disrespectful.

[loud cheering]

Don't... Uh, don't, uh... Don't clap so hard.

Don't disrespect these bitches.

Some of these side chicks is holding marriages together all over the country.

I don't give a fuck if you don't like it. It's the truth, you understand me?

[chuckles, mumbles]

That's why I'm always shocked when everybody is shocked

when a man of power gets caught cheating.

That always blows my mind.

"I can't believe he..." Why you can't believe?

You know... [stammering]

Remember when Tiger Woods got caught with all them women?

Everybody was blown...

Everybody was, "I can't believe..." Why you can't believe?

He the number-one golfer in the world.

Do you understand what come with being number one?

Extra ass come with being number one.

And I don't care what you number one in.

If you fucking the dude right now

that's the number-one FedEx deliveryman in his zone...

there's a woman somewhere turned on by his punctuality,

you understand?

Because women are gravitated... And they love men with power.

That's what y'all do. You do! That's what it is.

Women love men with power.

Men want power because power produces pussy.

And you know what I'm talking about. That's why you want power.

You want power because it produces pussy,

pussy produces power.

Power, pussy, pussy, power, power, pussy, pussy.

Power, power, pussy, pussy, power. Period.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

You know why? Because he had no power to produce pussy.

Because if he did, he'd be producing pussy

instead of picking peppers, he wouldn't be asking people

how many peppers did Peter Piper pick?

Come on, man.

That's what it is.

My wife wanted a new house.

I said, "I'm gonna look at a house." She a fantastic woman.

She deserves all of it.

-I looked at this house... -[clapping]

Hold the fuck up before you get to clapping.

Y'all so quick to clap about everything.

Let me explain something to you. You want a new house,

we gotta do new shit for the new house.

'Cause you understand, I got to do new shit to keep us in this new house.

You understand? This a whole different kind of house that she want.

This house... This a different animal. This new house...

got two kitchens in it.

You understand? They got what you call a "prep kitchen,"

you prep the food, then you bring it out and you serve it in the main kitchen.

-[audience member] Wow. -Wow.

[laughter]

The cooking she's doing today...

don't require two goddamn kitchens.

"So, let me get this straight.

You want me to watch you boil the macaroni and cheese in the back

and sprinkle that powder shit on it in the front.

That's what the fuck you want me to buy two kitchens for?

If you don't get the fuck out of here..."

Unless Rachael Ray move in this bitch, ain't no two kitchens.

The master bedroom in this new house is made up of three rooms.

You walk in, there's a sitting room, there's a wall with a fireplace,

on the other side of that is the bedroom,

outside the sitting room is a covered patio,

another fireplace, mounted TV,

balcony... that overlooks success!

It's happiness far as your eye can see.

The fucking we're doing today...

[laughter]

You can't fuck me like that in this new room.

"You can't fuck me like that.

You understand? It's disrespectful to the bank,

it's disrespectful to the architect,

and it's disrespectful to the people that built this motherfucker.

You cannot do it.

You fucking me like we at a studio apartment, you understand."

You know what kind of fucking you got to do to fill up three rooms?

We got to start in the sitting room,

we got to fuck on all them chairs,

then fuck through the fireplace while it's lit,

on to the bed, roll off onto the floor,

finish with her outside, bent over the patio,

overlooking success!

This is the kind of fucking you gotta do.

This little leg-lifting shit that y'all be doing,

that ain't gonna get it.

You know what I'm talking about, all you little leg-lifters.

"I don't feel like it, I'll lift my lower leg..."

You trying to offer somebody some unenthusiastic ass,

like that's gonna discourage us from wanting it.

"If you want to, fine."

I'm fucking. I don't care what you do.

This gonna go on the record, it's gonna count against you.

So you can lay there if you want to,

but it's goin'... I'm coming for you, you understand.

I call that move "the dead cat." That's what I call it.

And I fuck with my wife, too, I'm like,

"You gonna give Daddy some of that dead cat tonight?"

[laughs]

My wife's so quick, she like, "Meow!" Like, just...

Bitch is quick!

-She quick! -[laughter]

I'm not... I can't do it. 'Cause I've thought about it.

Like, I'm at that age... I'm at that midlife crisis age, too.

I'm at that age where you get up and leave.

You know what I'm saying? And... You know.

Like, you know, "I'll leave this one.

Pick up a 28-year-old and ride her out the rest of my days."

And I've thought about that shit. I'm like, "Do I really want to start over,

doing shit that I ain't got to do no more?"

I got to talk to this new one.

Act like I believe in whatever the fuck she talking about.

I just convinced the one at the house I'm listening.

Why the fuck I'm gonna start over?

The fucking at 28... There's too much fucking, you understand?

"Hold me against the wall."

Bitch, I'm not holding nobody against the wall no more.

I tore this Achilles. I can't do it no more.

You ain't in "hold her up against the wall" shape,

get the fuck out of here.

Like, if I start over, do you know what I mean?

Like, if I get a new woman,

I've thought about what my life would be, you understand.

I'll have to leave my wife. Now I got a new wife.

She 28, she wanted kids,

so she's important as the other kids, she wanted kids already.

Now, I'm at my oldest daughter's wedding with a six-month on my lap,

I'm 65 years old, sleepy as fuck.

Nigga, hell no! Fuck that!

I'm staying right at the house with that one I got.

And she know where all the medicine is,

she know how my trick knee work...

I ain't fucking with no new bitches.

[chuckling] I'm not doing it.

I'm not starting...

It's easier said than done. I don't have it in me.

I don't have it in me to go through all the shit you gotta go through.

And this is the thing. If you got somebody who fuck with you,

don't fuck it up.

You understand, because they will get rid of your ass.

Because, like... Like what you have... Like, this is the thing.

I got two daughters. When you have daughters,

you look at shit differently. You really do.

Like, soon as I saw my daughter... I got daughters, I'm like...

I wanna raise my daughters with the kind of self-esteem

that they never at a point in their life where they allow some nigga

to drop them off at work in their car and drive the fuck off.

You understand?

That's all I want.

That's all I want, you understand? That's all...

Now, there's only a few people clapping, but there's a lot of women in here

and I understand why you not clapping.

'Cause I don't know how you let niggas drive...

How you let niggas drop you off... How you let a nigga...

How you fuck a nigga with no car? Let's start with that.

Anybody in the back... Ma'am? Anybody at that table.

Anybody, I just need to know. How you fuck a...

How you let a nigga run up a car...

Run up miles on your car and your pussy.

That's what I need to know.

And then you will argue for him. "He in the studio."

This nigga ain't in no goddamn studio.

He pick you up late from your job,

your car smell like weed and failure,

get the fuck out of here.

Who does that?

Nobody does that.

And I heard my mother... This is when I knew,

women think differently than men think.

And I knew this when I heard my mother give my sister

some advice when I was 11 that changed my life.

She's like, "You don't never date no man that don't wear no watch."

I said, "Why?" She's like, "'Cause if he ain't got on no watch,

that means he don't care what time it is, which means he ain't got shit to do."

I said, "God damn!"

I went out and bought a Spider-Man watch that day.

I didn't have shit to do, but I knew what time it was, you understand.

They make you... They make you think. That's what happens.

And when you find somebody to fuck with you, don't mess it off.

'Cause women will get rid... Women are better than men.

I'm telling you what I know.

If you... If you have the self-esteem, you just are.

Women know how to deal with shit...

Women know how to deal with shit the way men don't.

Men don't know how to leave.

Men, "Fuck you, bitch, I'm leaving." Walk out, everything in her name.

"Ooh, shit, wait, let me talk to you..." [mumbles]

No, no... no, no.

Women don't do that. When women leave you, women leave you in stages.

First, they leave you emotionally...

then they leave you physically.

Quiet as shit, ain't it?

'Cause some of y'all sitting next to your girl right now,

nigga, and you got two weeks and don't even know it.

And every woman in here got, what I like to call,

a transitional team of friends.

That's a group of women that surround her,

and their job is to help her get the fuck away from you.

That's their job.

Look at them, they clapping! They next to you, clapping.

And there is nothing another woman loves more

than helping another bitch leave. They love it!

It's for all the times they couldn't do it in their own relationship,

they leave through her.

Soon, they're like little superheroes.

"Oh, girl, we got the call. All right, here we go. This the plan.

You got to get rid of that goddamn phone,

you come stay with me and my mama, you'll get your hair done,

this nigga'll never find you. Go!"

And when I tell you they extract her ass up off the grid so quick...

[hissing, blowing]

Gone!

And every time a woman leave a man,

he ain't concerned but with one thing.

"Who is she fucking next?"

That shit eat your soul up, don't it?

Look at some of the guys' faces. "I'll kill everybody."

And you want to hear the hard part, guys?

The next guy that she fuck with after you,

you know who he is.

Oh, yeah, you know who he is. He in your life.

You done seen him at the party, she done said his name.

Oh! I know what the fuck y'all doing.

'Cause you gotta understand something. A woman's existence is to not be a ho.

Every choice they make, every decision they make...

is anti-ho moves, you understand.

It's like, "Ooh, I wanna suck his dick, but not today, not today.

I gotta get him to take me to church, go out and get something to eat,

because that keep my ho points low, you understand.

I gotta keep my ho points...

I can't suck his dick on the first date.

My ho points will go through the goddamn roof."

So when they leave you, they don't go on and fuck no new dude immediately,

that's ho-ish.

So what they do is they go back...

and they fuck the nigga they was with before you.

Because that way they get back in the game,

but they don't add no new numbers to their belt. Come on, y'all.

Come on, man. You gotta do what you did

to get in, to stay in.

Everybody. If you got a woman that fuck with you,

you gotta do what you did to get her to keep her.

-Women want you to listen. -[woman] Right.

They want you to listen.

And listen, guys, we know that we don't give a fuck...

about what they talking about.

Most men don't give a fuck.

Does it make us bad people? No.

I'm only concerned about, "Is everybody eating,

and is all the bills paid?"

That's all I give a fuck...

All this extra shit,

I don't need to hear none of this.

And you mad that we don't want to listen to the same shit.

"Why you don't care about..." I don't give a fuck.

I don't know why.

"I'm working, too!" I know you're working.

Everybody knows.

There is no price that you can put

on being a housewife and raising the kids and taking care of the...

That is a priceless job.

I want you to know that I know that it is a priceless job.

But what you do is a little different than what I do.

What I do makes you be able to do what you do

in, you know, free spirit and mind.

Every time you swipe, approved.

[angrily] "Why is it different than what I do?"

I said, "Let me explain to you why it's different.

Let's say the repo man comes to the house to get the car,

and he goes, 'I need $500 or I'm going to take your shit.'

And I look at him and go, 'Listen, Mr. Repo Man, I don't have the $500,

but my wife's been in here cooking and raising the children.

Surely, this is worth something.'

Guess what? He's taking our shit.

That's the difference."

You gotta do what you did to get in, to stay in.

Guys, you gotta listen. You just gotta listen.

They want you to listen. Ladies...

[sighs]

You gotta suck his dick.

I know. I know. I know. I know it hurts you. I know.

I know. I understand.

But that's how some of y'all got where you are.

I need you to stay the course.

This is not the time to get sleepy. This is not the time to falter.

This is not the time...

You gotta... Just look at these women's faces.

I don't know why you act like that. I really don't.

We have an agreement in this rela...

That marriage is an agreement, do you understand?

The bottom line of the agreement...

This is the bottom line of the agreement.

You fuck me, I go to work.

That's the... That's what it is. I don't give a fuck what you do.

We can put God and friends and walk,

and yeah... Yes.

But you fuck me, I go to work.

That's what it is. If you don't think I'm...

If you hear that a woman wants to meet you,

guys, you go, "Eh, man, I got a girl I want you to meet."

What's the first thing you say?

-"What's she look like?" -[audience] Right.

You tell a woman, "I got a dude I want you to meet,"

what's the first thing you ask?

"What's he do?"

That means, "What the fuck is he bringing to the table?"

And he wanna know, "if I want to fuck her."

You fuck me, I go to work.

Work, fuck, work, fuck...

Fuck...

Work, fuck, work, fuck...

It's the circle of life.

So, every time I come home and I want some ass,

and my wife's sleepy, I'm confused.

She's like, "I don't wanna do it."

I'm like, "I don't know how. I've been working.

We just not doing what the fuck we wanna do now?

I'm gonna let all this shit get cut off then, fuck it."

You can't do it. Everybody got a... Everybody got a role to play.

Need you to play your role.

And I'm not... When I'm telling you, "Suck his dick,"

I'm not talking about the lazy head

that you all have come to succumb to.

I'm not talking about... I'm not talking about,

"Oh, my God, I don't know why."

No. I'm talking about focus, you understand?

I'm talking about, "Thank you for the shit you do."

That head you was doing before you got married.

You know what the fuck I'm talking about.

And all of y'all with the little serious faces,

y'all the dick suckers that need to get it together.

Don't think 'cause you got a straight face, you fooling me,

you understand?

[chuckles] I don't give a fuck.

Before I got married, my wife used to give me head...

for reasons I was embarrassed for her about, you understand.

She's like, "Oh! McDonald's for me?

Aaaah!" Focus.

She wanted this ring, you understand.

Now, I can't get my dick near her face.

It's like The Matrix...

And we got into an argument one time.

We got into a real, serious argument

about why she should give me head.

I said, "Are you kidding me?" She said, "I need to know why."

She's like, "I... I thought we were past that."

Who gets past head? What?

When's the last time you tried to give your man some head,

he was, "Come on, we past that. I don't want...

Let's just talk. Tell me about your dreams."

What? What?

And my wife was so upset with me.

She was so... She was so...

"I want to know why I should have to give you head every day?"

I said, "I'm gonna tell you why.

'Cause when you come in the room and you flip the switch,

the room lights up.

'Cause when you open up the refrigerator,

you ain't never seen the back of that motherfucker,

'cause it's always full.

'Cause you can go outside and get in any one of them cars,

they always gonna be there. I got the titles in my office.

You can get in that swimming pool, get in that Jacuzzi,

you can go shopping, you can do what the fuck you wanna do, I got you.

We can even get down on our knees and pray

about how to make this relationship better,

and I'll get down on my knees and pray with you.

But when I get up, I need you to stay there for two more minutes...

and do what the fuck I need you to do."

I'm David Arnold. Thank you very much. Thank you.

[loud cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

[inaudible]