Original subtitles

Society has ended.

There's been a catastrophe

and most of humanity has been wiped out.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

In this post-apocalyptic wilderness,

six comedians have survived,

and we've given them six days to rebuild civilisation.

Ooh!

Should be enough.

Prepared's a funny word, isn't it?

Mentally?

Not at all.

Physically?

Not at all.

- Ooh! - Oooh!

What's the best outcome of an apocalypse?

It's probably death, isn't it?

We should just call this the Mitchell dictatorship.

Each day they'll be learning vital skills...

- Pon de toilet. - P-pun de toilet?

Pon de toilet, pon de toilet. Pass it, now.

...and competing for badges.

Some rules are made to be bent.

And I'm here for that.

The skills that I bring to the table

in this setting are minimal.

That does not look good, babe.

I'm really good working with others, as long as they do

exactly what I tell them to do.

- Chakra the hell up! - OK.

I always think to myself, what would David Mitchell do? And I do that.

And then, I hope one day that he sees it.

♪ He's got a badge to give away

♪ What is the game that we will all play? ♪

Will they thrive?

I just wanna smash something.

Call me back!

Will they die?

- Ooh! - Ooh, right in the balls!

The insurance waivers have been signed.

The cesspit has been dug.

We're ready to go.

This is Outsiders!

Oh, look at the badges.

Ha-ha ha-ha hah!

Did we all hear that?

What was that?

Just a little, "Oh, look at the badges."

A little, innocuous little...

This... this wind-up merchant!

Wow! I mean, to be honest with you, Roisin... Yes?

...is sitting there like the queen that she is.

Holy shit! We've got five, Rosh!

It's the fact we've gone two days without.

- Chris has stood up. Hold on. - Hold on, guys. Hold on. Chris is up.

The shade is gonna be real.

I just want to say, - today's a new day. - Oh, yeah!

Combats - what does that say to you?

Ready for combat, bitches!

Did you say "bitches"?

You've been around me too long.

- Morning! - Morning!

- Morning! - Morning!

How is everyone?

Very well. Well. Especially seeing you.

Oh, thank you very much.

That was a very... You had a real, like, bounce in your step just then.

Yeah, I feel much better today.

- Oh, thank God. - Your chakras are truly open, aren't they?

Absolutely. I mean, they're gaping.

- Wow! - Day five of six.

Penultimate day, and the score situation is five, four, three.

Wow! You've been practising!

You've got a little zip in your step, brother. Do it one more time.

David, I've got a confession.

- - Have you? - Yeah. - What?

Well, you know I've been wearing sandals all week.

- Yeah. - And today I wanted to wear trainers

because it's meant to be - a bit of bad weather. - Mm-hm.

So, I had to go in to your bit and nick a pair of your socks.

My socks? The truth is, they're not really my clothes.

I come in wearing my real clothes

and then my real clothes are too sexy for television.

So, I have to change.

Too hot for TV!

Uh, OK. Ready for a badge?

- Oh, yeah. - Woo!

Badge one. The Upcycling Badge.

"As you try to rebuild society,

"you may be forced to use

"the leftover detritus of the before times.

"Some abandoned cars have been discovered in

"the woods around the camp.

"To earn your Upcycling Badge,

"you must create a new

"and exciting object using parts taken from the car.

"You'll be helped by our wandering engineers.

"I will award the badge to the team whose creation is

"the best improvement to the camp."

No-one knows why the cars have been left here?

I've noticed them, actually.

Maybe it's just people desperate for parking.

I thought it was just doggers.

THEY LAUGH

I will leave you to tear some cars to bits.

- Woo! - Woo!

Oh, hello! A little Morris Minor, that's what we've got.

And, oh, we've got a mechanic. - Hello. - How you doing?

- Hiya, I'm albert. - What a stroke of good luck, finding a capable man

next to this car that needs - dismantling. - Yeah.

How bizarre!

- Hello. - All right, how we doing?

- Good. - We're doing good.

It's not often you see a man in the forest with, yeah...

- Sledgehammer. - Sledgehammer, yeah.

Big hammer, yeah, that makes me a bit nervous.

Albert, pleased to meet you.

Hi, Albert, nice to meet you. Hi, albert.

Of course, they're not actually all called Albert.

They're all called Derek. Is this your car?

What do you think is useful?

What about if we make a car

that works and get us the hell out - of here? - Yeah.

Hub cap with an end.

So, it's an apocalypse, what we going to do with this thing?

What do we need?

We could make a therapy centre?

Therapy centre reclining. - A counselling room. - Yeah.

People could come in and I could give them some counselling.

I'm not qualified.

I think, I propose we leave exactly as it is, and we just live in it.

It's got a very nice hydraulic action.

This is quite therapeutic, just doing this.

Fair play to them. Let me have a go.

Hogging the hydraulics.

Has it got an MOT? Full service history.

What? You know what's mad?

We could turn this around. - It's sellable, you know. - I know.

Forget making him something.

We could pop this on Auto Trader and - do a quick 350. - Yeah, one time.

Since the teams are doing their upcycling badge,

I thought I'd have a bash myself

and I've knocked this together using

the windscreen wiper mechanism from

an old Austin Allegro.

It was easy enough to do once, I've dragged it out of

the lake and removed the skeleton of the old lady.

Um, so I'll just stir the teas like that.

And I think they need a dash of milk,

there we go perfect.

I know what you're thinking.

Six outsiders, six cups?

Yes, I've made myself six cups of tea.

It really tastes of Austin Allegro.

Oh, oh, that made a nice noise.

Well, what are you going to do with that, apart from bang it?

Let's make a post-apocalyptic drum kit.

A Morris Minor drum kit, yeah?

Yeah, we say it together. What would you want?

What do I want? And let's see if it's close,

if it's close then we know it's a winner.

BOTH:One, two, three, hair shop.

Oh, my God! We are so... Oh, my.

I think we should make something fun with it, a ping pong table.

- Brilliant. - Really? That could work.

OK, so how will we do it?

Cut the roof off. Cut the roof off?

Yeah. Let's do this.

I just want to smash something.

Smash to start. Channel, channel some energy.

How are you feeling about your ex?

My ex? You know what? He didn't call me back.

- Oh, my goodness. - Oh, look at that. Straight off.

Oh, my God, I'm a mechanic.

Yeah, I broke the saw.

Call me back! Call me back!

I mean, it's hardly base, is it?

I'm exhausted. You're a natural.

- Far better base drum. - We could sample that on a house beat.

Far better base drum. Far better base drum.

You feeling good?

Yeah, I'm fine. That's good.

Good work, good work. It feels ping pongy already.

Actually, I, now I like it now it's a convertible.

I do.

First, barber's chair.

Yeah. Barber's chair nice, bit of a view.

Oh, this is the gear stick. - Yeah. - Oh, perfect.

Cymbals, you think?

Yeah, we need cymbals.

Do you want me to come drill it in for you, Albert?

You start it, and I'll finish It.

Oh, oh, what else can I destroy?

- Bosh, bosh. - Ha.

People like the radio on, when they do a bit of work, don't they?

It's 10am on this cloudy morning. Traffic's looking great.

It's starting to look a - bit like a drum kit. - Yeah.

There you go.

I'm going to be deaf as well as bloody blind at the end of this.

That, that is genius. Right, I think we're good to go.

Oh, Guz, this is just looking so... - Look at that. Oh. - It's wonderful.

Oh, hello. - Hello, welcome. - Good morning.

Welcome to J and G's beauty spot.

Please take a seat. Ooh, lovely, thank you.

- Take a seat. - Thank you. Yeah, no problem.

- 0-1. - Hello. This looks good.

- - Hello, David. - Yeah. - Do you like it?

I do like it. Table tennis.

Well done.

That was, that sounded slightly nicer further away.

So, we offer several services. Well, look.

You've seen the state of me. What do you recommend?

I reckon he should go for the full glam, thank-you ma'am.

- That sounds sexual. - David... We can remove...

We are not Alan and Roisin. - Yeah, no. - Thank you,

OK, I'm relieved to hear that, it's just...

Not once are we off to blast somebody off in the woods, not once.

Seat belt net, very good.

Do you want to come round and have a go?

I do want to have a go, I like table tennis.

- Wobbly stool steering. - Thank you.

Wheel upside down with a bit of wood on top.

Oh, you made the stool. We made the stool.

Sorry to be so unmusical

but I find the stool the most - impressive thing. - The stool.

And, David, just so you know,

just over here we've actually - repurposed the engine bay. - Yeah?

As a place to provide hot towels.

- Hot towels. - Oh.

If you don't mind, I'm just going to place

a mildly hot towel over your eyes. If that's OK.OK, just...

It is actually very mildly hot.

I almost say room temperature.

It's like Wimbledon.

Ah, 4-0.

I like this game.

Ah, bounced weird. 4-1.

- David, I just want to say. - Yeah.

Your hair? Wonderfully soft. - Thank you. - Yeah.

Oh, that's a nice noise - of snipping. - There you go.

Absolutely.

Like a frenzied circumcision.

9-9.

I love table tennis.

Louder seat, louder!

Argh, you win. 11-9. I hate it!

Oh, yes, that's very nice. Very tidy, yes.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.

I'll take it.

Um, would it be possible to buy a box of condoms?

I think that traditionally that's where one acquires...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah... prophylactics.

Do you have any?

This is a good but of drumming.

The trouble is one of the key reasons more primitive society

might need drums is to march into - battle with them. - Yes. Yes.

And obviously, to take this into battle,

you need a low loader. Oh, that will do it.

That will pop right over it.

You could just tie it on with that. Thank you very much.

Nothing's going to get through that.

Oh, his jacket, his jacket. Have a wonderful evening.

Lovely. Big old elephant dick.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you, Sir. - See you again. All - the best. - I felt so bad.

I nearly suffocated him when I was rubbing him from behind.

Let me tell you something, the fumes off that engine,

I'm surprised it didn't kill him.

Oh, hello. More antics coming up. Ooh, antics.

Right, next badge.

There just aren't going to be enough people for us

to fall out with each other in a post-apocalyptic world.

So, good interpersonal skills are going to be important.

To earn your couples therapy badge,

you must resolve any conflict or

underlying issues in another Outsider team's relationship.

First, you must decide on one person from your team

to play the role of counsellor.

You will then meet your clients

and will need to identify the core issues

and respond to specific grievances.

The team that offers the best advice

and successfully manages to repair a relationship win the badge.

I should point out that in

the entire history of Western relationships,

this is a process that has not succeeded on one single occasion.

Um, David? In the spirit of this badge... Hm-mm.

...and in a bid to repair our relationship... Yes.

...can I just say sincerely,

I'm sorry I told you to get fucked - yesterday. - Thank you.

But it was great, I mean it was, yeah, she's so... That's...

I'm glad you said that, Laura. I haven't been able

to... It hasn't been sitting right - with me. - Did it not sit?

Yeah, I've been... On edge?

Were you glad she apologised or...?

I'm glad you apologised. I thought it was,

I thought it was so... David, I couldn't believe she spoke.

All right, we don't have to put the - boot in. - No, no.

I appreciate the apology but also, I - didn't mind. - I thought you liked it.

You know, I think that's a bit of robust, uh, abuse in the workplace.

And I mean that in terms purely linguistically,

I think can be a healthy thing. It's like spicy, innit?

We can be too quick to not slag each other off.

I don't know how this is going to work.

Fuck you! For example, that's...

Thank you very much, I look forward

to observing your attempts to help each other.

Thank you very much. All the best, David.

- Cheers, Dave. - All the best. See you later.

She looks like a therapist, doesn't she?

She does, but not a therapist I would trust too much.

I suppose I'm paying for this, am I?

Fat chance, the first for all, the couples therapy.

It's like a date.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Thank you for your time today. Thank you for your time.

- Happy to help. - Oh, look.

But you got to be more formal, it's our therapist.

Oh, sorry, good afternoon.

- Guz, Judi, how are you? - Hello. - We're good. - Very nice.

I'm Roisin, this is Alan.

- Doctor Love. - Doctor love? Doctor Love!

So, just a few things we'll run through, just

because it's our first time.

Welcome... welcome to your first,

hopefully not your last session.

Mortgage to pay.

It's an hourly rate,

is money a concern at all - for both of you? - No.

OK, just checking.

Nowadays, the vogue seems very much that it's important

to express your feelings

and not bottle them up to address what,

what it feels like inside rather than just, you know,

tamp it right down and never really take it on.

Which I think there's something to be said for,

because it can be very painful,

The process of talking through

the terrible things that make you feel unhappy or why it is that your

brain makes your day so unbearable,

and you could just sort of push it aside

and talk about that at some point in the future.

And, you know as a theory,

not don't say you'll never talk about it.

Just say not today, not today, not today.

And then one day you'll die

and then you've never had to address all that.

I feel the same about descaling the kettle.

Imagine if you descaled the kettle and then you died

and you're dying thinking

"I just finally fucking got around to descaling the kettle,

"which I reckon I never really needed to do.

"And I've done it now with 60% of my last hour!" Mm?

So just push it aside. Never do it.

What brought you here today?

To prove how good we're doing.

Yeah. For research, you two, you're winning a lot.

Yeah, we got some real amateurs we're up against.

Amateurs...

On a scale of one to ten,

how happy are you in your relationship?

I'd go for a good solid nine and a half.

And that's not to say I don't feel like it's a ten.

I just feel there's always room for improvement,

because we've got that winning

mentality and that's why we're here.

You'd go nine a half?

All right, well, go on.

Yeah, nine and a half. Thanks.

Guz,

imagine I asked Judi

the three best things she liked - about you. - Yeah?

What might she say? Number one,

I think she likes that before I release wind,

I'll announce it to Judi, and I walk quite far, but it's loud.

Yeah, so I don't have to swallow it.

Yeah, but then, if the sound goes like and she quite likes that.

You know, you assume someone of my size would be...

...but my ones go... She quite likes that.

- - It does, yeah. - I've heard that. - Have you heard that?

And I thought it was a bird the whole time, the whole time.

That's my arsehole, that's my arsehole.

What other badges have you won?

Uh, I can't remember.

Can't remember, doesn't really give a shit.

Nine and a half.

All right, I know, OK. What do you want, then?

Go on, you tell him, then.

Go on, no, if we're here to be honest, you tell him.

What's your real number, Chris?

I feel like that wasn't your real number, what's your real number?

Nine and a half. - OK. Do you fight often? - Chris?

Can you go first?

And this. All right, there you go. Do you know what?

There you go. You're good, you're - good. - Do you fight often though?

I just. I just want you lot to understand

the importance of your foundation together.

Things that you should do, things you shouldn't do.

Like both wear denim.

It's linen, it's linen. It's dirty linen.

If that's what Primarni told you...

Now, this might be a little trickier,

but I'm going there.

We're here to leave better than we came in, are we not?

Yeah, no, I agree.

Judi, I want you to imagine I ask Guz how you could improve.

What might he say, do you think?

Cat amongst the pigeons, I accept that.

You gone say,

this is the opposite of your necklace. This is major.

Yeah.

Listen, nobody said it was going to be easy.

How does that make you feel?

Sorta sleepy.

You've got a good voice, you should - do audiobooks. - You know.

Very soothing.

You'd get someone to confess to killing a man.

I think he would say...

In the morning,

I need to draw my eyebrows on much harder than I usually do,

because by at the end of the day they're fading.

And here's a final question,

Laura, what's your partner's most irritating habit?

Oh, it's...

It's, he could... I don't think Laura's got an answer for this.

I have, I have. Should I tell you what it is?

- No, I don't think. - Ssh, should I tell you what it is,

other than this.

I don't think you can...

I don't think really think you've uh...

I mean I see what you're doing. I don't think you should...

He, if he's not... If I'll have... She doesn't know, Alan.

Would you ever fucking stop? Would you ever fucking stop?

How many times does she need to tell - you? - Five days of this.

She doesn't know.

Five days of this, I've had. - OK, Chris. - No, no, no.

What's Laura's most irritating habit, Chris?

She talks over me.

What beautiful answers from both of you.

That is beautiful. She's having a moment, I see that.

I think that's the end of the session.

Thanks, Dr Love.

See you next week.

See you at the bus stop. Bye, Dr Love.

Oh, let me... I've written a lot of shit about you two in there, let me take this with me.

- - Get out of here. - Thank you. - You're - welcome. - All right. All the best.

They are so full of shit.

The layer of bullshit was impenetrable.

And I hope this has helped you both. Thank you for your time.

Yeah, see you later. Thank you.

She's left, Chris. Do you want me to help you out?

Yes, please.

Now that the Outsiders are restarting society from scratch,

they've got the opportunity to remove some elements

of our world that they don't like.

So, in order to earn their exile badge,

I've asked them to decide what behaviours,

actions, occurrences, trends,

etc that they would ban from the new world.

They've got 30 minutes to discuss what their biggest pet peeves are.

May, of course, be people who refer to such things as pet peeves.

The most justifiable grievances win the badge

and by justifiable grievances,

I just mean what I pick.

What do we want to exile? What behaviours?

Basic things like BO.

BO's bad.

Three? We only get three?

I've thought of 100 immediately.

OK, give me your first 20.

Celebration of farts, farting. Loud farting.

I want to keep that. Oh, OK.

Banned rules for the new world,

seems a bit dictatory. I think we should just call this

the Mitchell dictatorship.

- Yeah. - That's what it is. That's a no-go.

It's like a limp willy, you know what I'm saying? You just...

I think it is.

Just keep going, eventually.

Noisy easters.

Noisy eaters. Now I'm concerned that I would fall into this category.

There is not one noisy eater in this camp.

Unless it's me. SHE GASPS

David doesn't like procrastination.

The wasting of time.

He doesn't like it.

I'm willing to die on this, I want to...

I'm willing to be hoisted by my own petard.

OK.Can I put noisy eaters in?

Yeah. Can we put people who use the word petard?

I'll petard you, mate.

People who pretend to know the words of songs

and sing along when they don't know.

Oh, I find it annoying when people sing along to songs that they do know the words.

- Do you? - You listen to it on the radio, and they start singing it in your ear.

No-one's able to say, "Shut up - you're ruining it!"

Like a little rule-following cretin.

Yeah, cause he doesn't mind when you break the rules along as it brings results.

Yes.

People who combine words into one word.

Is this, are these portmanteaus?

Like chillax, ugh!

P...o...r...

Are you committing this one to stone already?

I'm doing it, I'm doing it I trust - you. - We might come up with better ones.

It took you a while took you a while to come up with that babes. It's a hot day.

People who commit things without exploring all the options.

Don't make this about us.

People who are so pleased with how prepared they are.

Oh, yeah.

And they show up and open their boot

and you say something, anything you need.

They're like, "I got it. I got it." The pride of the prepared.

This has got a nice ring to it.

Number three.

We should ban any healing...

...that involves water. That involves wet.

That involves wetting the crotch. That's what he didn't like.

I think he was... He never mentioned the face once.

It was when we wet his cock. Yeah.

Yeah.

Crying video selfies.

People film themselves crying and put it on social media.

People should be shot.

No risk assessments.

Yeah."Oh, no, can't sit on that log, you might fall off that."

Ban any healing process that involves

water and quiche.

Quiche. How the hell do you spell that?

One, noisy eaters. Two, portmanteaus.

Three, crying video selfies also known as cryfies.

I knew I'd get you on onside. Right, OK, you should have said it

with a mouth full of food and we would have nailed it.

Done.

These will be an easy sell.

- Hello? - Hello.

Come in.

Hello!

Oh, this is officious. Good evening, foreman Mitchell.

Big desk energy, sir.

It gives me a sense of status, which I enjoy.

That fan, is that a fan? Yeah.

It looks very master-ish - colonisation-ish. - Does it?

Fuck it. It's gone.

That's why we like you. I hate that fan.

Have we met before in this room when it isn't redone for the evening?

- No. - What do you think?

I think you look tiny.

Like a sort of wizened evil emperor?

Yeah.

OK, so, what have you come up with?

Noisy eaters.

What sort of noisy eating do you particularly...?

SHE SLURPS

Oh, that's...

Quite noisy, isn't it? Yeah, that really puts me off food.

Slurpers, chompers, munchers. The lot of them.

BOTH: Procrastination.

You wish to excise procrastination?

Yeah, you're taking the piss.

Yeah, we want them, get outta here. Yeah.

Get on with it. Do the absolute necessary as quickly as possible.

- Yes. - And you're saying that as someone who is doing

a banter-based comedy show?

Mine is singing along to songs when you don't know the words.

- Yeah. - Alan, he just wants singing along full stop.

- No singing along. - Right, you make a very powerful case.

Number two, a rule abiding... ...cretin.

A rule abiding cretin?

You like to bend the rule.

As long as it gets the result. Yes, me and Judi thought,

"Oh, he's going to be all about green cross code, lollipop ladies."

- - That's what I thought. - Yeah. - Yeah.

It turns out, if the lollipop lady needs to smack a kid over the head

because there's a greater good, you're on that. You're like, yeah.

- Absolutely. - You know what I mean? Let's get on with it.

When it comes to the post-apocalyptic thing.

Uh, next one, please.

The use of modern-day portmanteaus.

Two words smashed together.

I think he knows what they are. He could have been thinking of...

- - Chillax. - Ooh. - Chillax.

Uh, Brexit, is that one of the...? - Oh, absolutely. - Absolutely, yeah.

"Hey, hey, you're not my momager."

- - Momager? - Yeah. - I've never heard of - that. - I knew that would get you.

- I knew that would get you. - Yeah, - horrible, isn't it? - Oh, momager.

"Can I speak to the momager, please?"

Well, it's more those...

Sort of the person responsible for this hotel who will also be sort of a mumsy figure for me?

You know..."May I suck on the teat of the momager, please?"

That's getting worse.

"There's no fresh milk in my room. I require the momager's breast."

Uh, the pride of the prepared.

The smugness of people who thought - - of everything. - Yeah, yes. - Yes.

"I've got it all sorted." People who get Christmas ready in

November or people who have everything...

That! Oh, yes, planning Christmas earlier and earlier.

Why don't you just plan all the Christmases.

- That's it. - I tell you what, why don't you buy 20 Christmas presents for your aunt

for the next 20 years and then book your own fucking grave?

That's it. What's the third one?

Crying video selfies. Now, we all cry.

- I don't. - OK, most humans cry. Eyes get wet, rolls down your face.

Then they think, "I know, content."

- Yeah, yeah. - I think dummy David's - cried more than David. - Yeah.

Yeah, I've made dummy David cry.

Number three, undertaking water-based healing practices

which moisten the crotch,

meanwhile eating quiche

and watching dummy Dave

in the forest naked - bitch.

Right, lots to unpack there.

- Risk assessment. - Alan lost the run of himself. He wants no rules.

We want an end to restrictions of... Yeah, yes.

...planning your elements of risk?

When you buy a parachute, who knows? That's it.

JUDI:Would you like this?

Um, yes, please. Thank you.

And have a wonderful day. Thank you,

I'll see you later in this very tent

when they'll have moved the furniture around a bit.

Undertaking water-based healing practices which moisten

the crotch, meanwhile eating quiche and watching dummy David

in the forest - bitch.

I think there's a missing nude there,

but I don't think it would necessarily make it much

more comprehensible.

I'm going to win up this place.

Are you not in it to win it?

Whoa. One or four, one or four.

ROISIN:You've got like, prison etiquette.

Do you know what? I'm going to go four on four. Four, four, four.

ALAN:Four, four? Let's do that.

Go on, Guz! Go on, Guz!

POW!

- Ooh! - JUDI:He's got a blank, Chris. He's got a blank.

I'm firing blanks.

You came with a two, yeah? All right, then.

All right, all right. I'm going to stand up for this one.

ROISIN:Oh, no, get ready the table, she's about to go.

ALAN:Hold on to your belongings. ROISIN:She's about to go full Tony Soprano.

CHRIS:International dominos here on Dave.

ALAN:Absolute carnage.

CHRIS:Somebody played this game once and it made him want to open a pizza shop.

Guz, did you miss the gunshot that Alan just gave you?

POW!

You know what they say back home?

They say Alan said, discount.

That's the sound of the gun - discount, discount!

Discount? Discount, discount!

Price gun, price gun.

Judi Love, stop procrastinating, - it's you. - What, what?

Never, I never miss a ting, yeah?

My eye is on cause its bling, yeah?

Don't start with me as I'm rubbing down my thighs.

Ready to give you the number six in the mix.

ALAN:Oh, two, two either end.

- Is that right? - ALAN:Yeah.

JUDI:Four or two.

Pick up.

Then I'm going to go to the one I hid under my leg from earlier.

ALL: OH!

Turns out...

I'm in the lead, guess what bitches Dominoes no more!

Please be upstanding for the Outsiders national anthem.

Oh, here we go.

♪ We're the outsiders, not the insiders

♪ And we want to come inside your heart

♪ We're the Outsiders, not the insiders

♪ And we want to come inside your heart. ♪

Outsiders, I want you to come inside my tent.

It's the end of the penultimate day

and the Outsiders have upcycled some old bangers...

Oh. ...tarnished the therapy industry...

I suppose I'm paying for this, am I?Fat chance.

...and acquired a taste for dictatorial power.

I think we should just call this the Mitchell dictatorship.

But which Outsiders have done enough to win a badge?

Outsiders, hello, it's the end of day five.

Oh, we've had a great day.

We're in a five, four, - - three badge situation. - Woo! - Classic.

Badge one, upcycling badge,

you had to go into the woods and find an abandoned car

and build something better for the camp.

So, Laura and Chris, what did you do?

We made a drum kit.

Right. Now, I think we might have a picture.

- There we go. - There we go. ROISIN:Oh, it looks great.

I played the cowbell brilliantly.

He made a hell of a sound out of it.

He was blooming good I've got to say that.

And you had a go, he made it look easy.

Did I not make it look easy? I made it look difficult.

- You struggled. - I made it sound shit. Yeah, that's...

But you enjoyed it, didn't you?

I did enjoy it, what do you think about that?

- Terrible racket. - ROISIN:That is an absolute nightmare

to put into a camp.

I don't want to listen to them wang on for the rest of the show.

We're in the middle of an apocalypse, and they put a drum set in there.

Why is it a nightmare? Because it's too loud.

But, in fairness, I'm just being facetious.

It looks lovely and I think we would miss music, so.

The music brought us all together yesterday, didn't it?

OK, Guz and Judi. You two...

- Yeah? - Probably stood up too quickly,

you created a barber shop.

ROISIN:It looks beautiful, I would get my hair done there.

Thank you very much. Well, I got mine done there.

You said Hitler, but looser.

"Give me Hitler but in the wind." Hitler but camping.

LAURA:Camp Hitler.

Hitler, when he's just chillaxed.

So, yes, a nice, couple of nice - chairs to wait on. - Mm-hm.

There were lots of mirrors.

More mirrors than you could have got from one Ford car.

We just used what we had, and there was,

for some reason, 97 mirrors in the - back of the car. - Yeah.

Yeah? The man out of nowhere who said

at the end of his hair treatment, "May I have some condoms?"

is the one we really need to talk about here?

OK. Why do you think I said that?

Because you was so relaxed.

ALAN:Something for the weekend.

Exactly something for the weekend. It's a thing.

Oh, it's an old people thing.

In the context of a barbershop,

the comic cliche is asking for something for

the weekend, which is a euphemism for a condom.

Can I ask you, David,

before you got to that blood rushing point?

Blood rushing urgently to my bellend when I was at work,

that is an accusation I...I will not wear.

OK.ROISIN:I've never heard anyone put the emphasis on bellend,

like that. "Bell-END." Bell-END.David, can I ask, how, how... how was the experience?

He said it like Bel-air, didn't he?

ROISIN:Like it's a city, like it's a city in Belgium.

"Ever been to Bell-END? It's gorgeous."

"Where's the ferry docking? Bell-END."

The real question is how was your experience?

It was, it was, uh, it was nice.

He asked for johnnies, he had a great time.

Alan and Roisin. Well, look, let's look at what you made.

Oh, a ping pong table.

It is a table tennis table.

- Oh, nice. - Can I just say, the wood you've used,

that pallet could be on top of anything, the car's irrelevant?

Say it, say it again, say it again one more time. Irrelevant. Irrelevant.

I can feel some criticism. But obviously you can cut your hair anywhere in the woods, and you can

- bang anything with a stick. - You can, - yeah. - We had a massage stick.

But you cannot play table tennis without a net.

The really clever bit of design is a seat belt across there for

the net and that really was. Alan? Alan, I stand corrected.

I was very, very pleased with it.

Let's cut to the chase. OK, Guz and Judi,

I very much enjoyed your treatment today.

I appreciated the very, very slightly warmed towel.

Presentationally, it was top notch.

But my feeling is that there is an extent

to which what you did was take the chairs out of a car

and just put them in the woods.

I'm, I'm...

I'm never trying to suffocate a man with my breasts again.

LAURA:It all comes out, dunnit?

I'm... ALAN:There's a lack of respect now.

It's a comic cliche!

Um, anyway, Laura and Chris. I liked yours a lot.

Can I just say something before you carry on?

He's already chosen, he knows what he's doing.

I don't often play the disability card, but what they've done is...

Do it... they've created something that excludes one member of

the camp through my inability to hit

the fucking ball - when it's coming at me. - Wow.

And leaves me feeling very alone. I just wanted to raise that, David, because you might...

It's a very... it's a very fair point... not have considered it.

The drum kit, I think, is my favourite of the three.

- But. - But it makes an absolutely infernal racket.

But it's accessible to all, David. And it's a prototype.

Yes, but it's evadable by none.

That's a bar. That's a bar. Round of applause for that.

That's a bar, cuz. - You have the badge. - That is it.

You keep the badge, you keep it, you keep it, man. That is a bar.

So, here is my decision.

As an amenity to the camp that most of the people

in the camp can enjoy,

I'm giving the badge to Alan and Roisin.

But as the most ingenious construction from the car,

I'm giving a golden badge to Laura and Chris.

Sympathy badge. We'll take that.

Well done. Two badges.

There we go.

So, next up the couples therapy badge.

So, what did you all think of your therapists, Alan and Roisin?

Thought Judi was a very good therapist.

She holds silences a lot and stares at you until you talk.

To the point where you really feel like you've done something very wrong.

- Yeah. - Journalists do that, have you noticed?

- Yeah, yeah. - Journalists when they interview you, they'll ask you a question then they wait.

- They just stare at you. - They use the fact you want to fill silences

because you're a show-off,

and you fill the silences with things you've been thinking...

That's it... and then they spin that off with a fucking headline.

"David Mitchell says, 'Give me condoms' after every haircut."

Yeah. What did you think, Guz and Judy,

about Laura as a counsellor?

- She was very friendly. - Wonderful.

We learnt a lot about you two, about, Guz, your... your farts.

What was the noise they made?

Bongggg...

Because, and the thing is, I don't know what people expect from me. I didn't know...

I would've expected... Expect my farts to be like rrrrap-pap!

A big old-fashioned... BLOWS RASPBERRY

You know what I mean? No but my...

The way my shphincter is set up, it goes bonggg.

Shphincter? Shhhhphincter?

They were... I think you were comfortable enough to reveal

so much about yourselves.

You came in strong, you went out stronger.

It was very good. Yeah, yeah. But you...

By the end, you are competing to be the most supportive of each other.

I mean, slightly unbearable to watch.

You know, it was so nice. I got, you know, I felt I was getting diabetes,

but you know...

Well, we're sorry we didn't provide you with condoms... Hate.

...so you could have a little wank in the corner to settle the balance. We're sorry.

I'm a fastidious man, but I do not require a condom to masturbate.

Uh, Laura and Chris, what did you think of Alan?

LAURA SIGHS JUDI SMIRKS

Bonggg...

No, he had... he had the Louis Theroux thing.

- He made me feel comfortable. - He seemed innocent but somehow it was all really disarming.

And I think we did end up realising

how hungry we are for external validation... Yeah.

...metaphorical badges and actual badges. So, all in all, all good.

Well, I think you all did very well.

Uh, but, for me, having observed you,

I thought the best therapist was, in fact, Laura.

And got tears out of Judi, farts out of Guz.

The couples therapy badge goes to Laura and Chris.

I can't believe this. See you want it less, you get 'em...

- It's mind-blowing. - I literally just got a badge for doing nothing.

Now, the exile badge.

First of all,

all of you had shit third items, OK?

So, I'm just going to fucking disregard them.

Now, let's look at the one and twos there.

Laura and Chris, noisy eaters, OK?

I have a theory about the minding of noisy eaters.

What you're really minding is other people's existence.

Is there one for procrastination?

Their first one is procrastination.

Now, I think I would like to ban procrastination myself

and that's why I'm drawn to that. Thank you.

I love, by the way,

the pride of the prepared as a thing to ban.

- Yes. - You know the people who do things in advance.

Ugh, and they're smug about it. They've packed everything, they've

got their Christmas presents ready by September.

Oh, yeah, I don't like them.

They're wishing their fucking lives away.

- Yeah. - It's like, let's get next year's presents, and the years

after, and the year after. And one day you just fucking die.

So why don't you just dig a grave and lie in it ready?

- - Wow. - Yeah. - Anyway, I like Alan and Roisin's hatred of

the pride of the prepared. Just the one.

I also like the number two from Guz and Judi,

a rule-abiding cretin.

Yeah.

Now, what we have observed has been that

David actually isn't someone who's all about the rules.

Follow the rules. Do the rules.

You're somebody who likes to see a bending of the rules,

if it means the creation of something fantastic.

I liked... I liked the theft in the buying of

the breakfast that Alan and Roisin did.

- - Yeah, yeah, yes. - Yes. - I like the fact that you were happy to arrest

the wrong person just to give the semblance of justice.

- Yes. - And Judi... Judi robbed me.

And I liked the fact that - Judi robbed you. - Yeah.

Anyway, you're right you've got to think flexibly

in a post-apocalyptic context. I liked yours a lot.

What you suggested, you two suggested at number two,

was portmanteau words.

- Yeah. - Well, modern-day ones.

- Brexit, Brangelina. - Momager.

Now, I think if there's no place for these words,

they will fall out of usage. But if they catch on,

it's because they make the language more powerful,

and the users of the language find them adaptable

to what they want to express.

And with that conclusion? And with that conclusion,

I am giving the exile badge to...

...Guz and Judi.

LAURA:Agreed.

Agreed.

Beautiful, just beautiful. Right. There we go.

Ah, OK so,

at the end of the penultimate day,

the scores are Guz and Judi - five badges.

Laura and Chris - five badges.

Alan and Roisin - six badges.

One final day, all to play for.

Time for me to leave.

Oh, mustn't forget...

Your condom.

Got a bit of an evening plan.

Whoa.

- Whoa. - You must find a way of launching me through the air.

You've just got to do the ACME catapult, surely?

Fuck!

Next badge - election badge.

- - - Good. - Bye. - Good. - Bye.

We would like you to be onboard, but if you don't,

you're gonna be on board.

This year's Outsiders champions are...

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