Original subtitles

War, pandemics, climate change.

Ever wondered what would happen if society ended

and we had to start again?

I bet you have.

I've used six comedians to find out,

let loose in the wild, to fend for themselves -

as far as insurance and their agents will allow.

What is my greatest fear of the great outdoors?

I'd have to say stampedes.

Each day, they'll be learning vital skills...

- Oh! - What I lack in skill...

Argh!

...I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

I'll javelin it. Javelin in!

- Stop the clock! - I just think we'll have a lovely time

as long as there's no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful of everything.

I'd like to draw your - attention to the bucket. - Argh!

♪ Keep your smelly body bits fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh. ♪

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation? Don't worry about it. Got that covered.

How you doing, good looking?

Turn the cameras off.

I've got 13 siblings, so I grew up roughing it.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Look at my cute little face.

Do I look like I lie?

Yes.

What kind of world will they build?

And in the afternoon... Sometimes human sacrifice.

Will they thrive?

You were going to make us look like fools.

Will they survive?

I think... Maisie!

Will they die?

They won't die.

Well, I mean, they'll die one day.

This is Outsiders!

That squirrel is staring at my cappuccino.

Morning, everyone. Morning.

How's everyone today?

You look like you're at a sort of lunch in a period drama.

- - - Yeah. - Yeah. - In my head. - Going, "I shan't marry him. I shan't."

Fatiha, do my legs offend you?

Actually, they turn me on.

- Oh, God. Really? - Wow.

- Really? - It's very early.

We all know Fatiha likes a rugged leg.

Well, exactly.

I'm attracted to tramps, and he's very trampy.

Shut up, you.

Where is David?

That's what I was thinking.

David's normally here by now.

- Don't tempt it. - Yeah.

I'm like Phil, I'm kind of enjoying the lack of David.

- Really? - Yeah.

It's making me feel very uneasy.

So, for the first badge this morning, we're going to be testing

the Outsiders' knot-tying abilities,

which is obviously a bit dull,

but tying knots clearly has applications

to a survival situation

so we thought we ought to do that one.

Ah! You see, not so dull now, is it?

I'm tied up. Am I going to be shot?

Is it a sex thing?

Now you're interested,

you perverts.

Here we are.

This is us. OK.

It's looking very...

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Sorry. We didn't mean to walk in on you like this.

What happened?

I've been tied up.

Shall I do your flies up for you. Are they OK like that?

That is a very worrying thing.

I can't see round my paunch.

I know... I know my cock isn't out because I'd feel the breeze.

Morning, Outsiders.

I do need someone to hold that thing in front of me

so I can tell you what's going on.

Are those are your real legs?

Yeah, I mean... They're the ones I've always had.

They look suspicious.

Now you've said that, they do look like fake legs.

Well, they're NOT fake legs!

Look, I can move them. The right one's wooden.

Well, you would say that. The right one is wooden, right?

Right, now.

Firstly, recap scores.

Jess and Joe are on four badges

and both of the other teams are on three badges each.

So the first badge of today is the knot badge.

To win this badge,

you will need to tie up your partner.

- Oh! - Sexual.

Maisie, can you move the clipboard about a bit?

Oh, thank you.

You will have five minutes.

You will have five minutes to tie them up as securely as possible

before an opposing team tries to untie them.

The team whose knots remain tied the longest

will be the winners of the badge.

I want to preserve my energy for this task

so you can read from there.

Oh, I actually can.

I just need the big guns for this one, I feel.

There you go. That's all I have to - say. Go and practice knots. - OK.

Do you need to be untied now, or are you happy?

Someone will untie me, I'm sure.

Can someone untie me now, please?

Thank you.

I'm fucking serious.

Someone!

I haven't had a tea in eight minutes!

Have you ever tied anybody up before, Maise?

I can't say I have.

I feel like it's quite a racy thing to do, isn't it?

No-one's ever owed me money, so I've never tied anyone up.

What the hell is that?

So, we've got to practise on him, - I'm guessing, right? - Yeah.

OK. So this is the... Oh, wow.

These are different types of knots.

The first one is round turn and two half hitches.

That rings no bells.

Do you know any knots at all?

I know how to tie my shoelaces.

Yep.

OK, great.

So, knots...

Important thing.

And look at that.

That's... Who put that there?

That's got knots on it. Guys!

Look, there's a thing with knots on it in the woods.

I mean, what a coincidence! We're doing knots.

I'm just... I'm just doing knots.

That's got some knots on a...

Wow. You couldn't make it up, could you? Ha!

So, yeah, knots.

We all know how to do a basic hitch.

Apparently left over right, up and over,

then turn it over and through the hole at the back,

which is one of the few phrases common to both knots

and the Kamasutra.

- Is it tight? - Oh, my God. - That is so tight. - Is it?

Fatiha LAUGHS

I love you.

You're my favourite.

Yes. Thank you.

Do the knots harder.

Yes, David.

This is so confusing.

You've got to pass it through something.

Oh, yeah."Loop around the support with the end.

"Pass it from behind the rope."

You're starting to sound like a sat nav.

Just have a little nap on Dave.

Do you need to practise the knots?

It's the sort of thing - I can really wing. - OK.

- You know? - Shall we have a little downtime?

Yeah. Let's just have a little nap.

- Like that? - And then it's got to be, like, a square. Oh!

Oh, well, that's the first bit of a shoelace. Look, Darren.

We are going to boss this. First time.

We've got square knot, and then - that's all we need. - Square knot.

And then we'll do a really complicated shit knot.

And this comes...

- Oh! - You're an engineer.

Don't give me that. I know, I know.

This could be very embarrassing for me.

So you can start with that and then...

Then just like, keep going and wrap more knots on top of it.

- Just get it all confusing. - OK.

Oh, David. Did you, did he fart?

That might have been...

Yeah, it was... It was David.

- It was David. Yeah. - Cor, blimey.

- Oh, gosh. - Oh, it fucking stinks.

- It's a pungent one. - Oh!

- God. - He smells like one of mine.

Blimey.

I'm surprised that one didn't get through cloth.

Fatiha LAUGHS

"What are you saying, bro?"

"Can I have a Diet Coke, please?"

Look at her go.

Oh, yeah! Look at that walk.

"We have Jessica Hynes here.

She's here to entertain... It's Jessica.

"She's a pocket rocket. She's Jessica Hynes."

"Look at the pins on her. Come on, fellas."

Right. Everyone listening?

You've got a maximum of ten minutes to tie up your partner.

The ten minutes starts... now.

- Boom. Let's go. - Shall we go for your belt loop first?

- Yeah. - Let's get that out of the way. Yeah, go through a belt loop.

Get as close to the post as you can with your legs.

The pole is literally in my crack.

It is in my crack.

Maisie...

Oh, no. stop.

"Yeah! Pay me, Daddy." Is that what they say?

Oh, really?

"Pay me, Daddy"?

You're really going to town on that?

- Ahh! - I can't believe people have sex like this.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

And then I'm going to tie this into your shoelace.

This is really good, Darren.

Argh. It's so hard to get this square knot right.

Which direction?

Could you tell me some jokes?

OK. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

- Ten seconds. - Oh, God.

Nine seconds.

BUZZING

This knot on this side is squashing somewhere that... Eight seconds.

This bee needs to fuck off, I swear - down. - Wowzers! That's nice.

Five seconds.

I have porcelain skin.

They won't see it. They won't...

Time's up!

Oh, thank God.

Time's up.

OK, great. Lovely.

You appear to be tied up, but with an umbrella.

- Very humane. - Thank you.

There's a sadness to this.

We've deliberately designed this to look easy

when, in fact, there's a few hidden factors.

We have tied a rope to his shoelace.

Oh, look... And to his belt loop.

I can't help noticing you've got a free hand.

You could untie all the knots yourself.

Therefore, you are just choosing to stand there.

Maisie, there might be a flaw in our plan.

There might be a flaw in our plan.

Let's have a look.

Is that tied?

That's there by consent?

That's very much the issue Darren has as well.

That's not tied up, that's standing there.

Oh, that's not a good sign.

Oh, we're not the only ones that have neglected a hand.

No, you're not the only ones. In fact, yeah.

You're not the only ones who have spent ten minutes

not tying someone up.

OK.

Right, you've done the tying.

Now, for the untying, I would like Phil to come here

and the other two move up one.

Yes, I've got Phil.

Good luck. Remember to cuss them out, yeah? Be scary.

Love you.

- Maisie, you got this, bab! - Got this.

Are you ready?

The person that takes longest to be untied,

that team will win the badge.

Ready, steady...

Go!

Whoo! MUFFLED GROANS

He's a bag of nerves.

That's because, Joe, you are the only person, of the three,

who's properly tied up.

Look at him go, though. Look at him go.

I love this. Do you have a pet?

- I do have a pet. - It's dead!

No, don't kill my pet.

Uh-oh!

MUFFLED WAILS AND SPEECH

- This is quite good. - Are you in the shade? Are you in the shade?

Make sure. There we go. I've got you in the shade there.

One rope, baby.

- Argh! - Oh, shit.

I'm sorry.

There! Done!

OK. Fatiha has been untied.

Got a lot of knots in here.

You're welcome. This is like my back.

No!

HUMS MELODY

How did you get this many in here?

Phil's... Phil's not very good at this.

OK. He's off. He's off.

I'm not... I'm not hurt. He is. He is.

OK. All right.

Darren has been freed.

What was the point?

We might as well see this through.

- He's off the poll! - Still got a loop.

It's also on my watch, is it not, - there? - But you are free.

Oh.

You have to say, Phil, you're taking a while at this.

This comedian's foot is caught in a snare.

As he tries to free himself, the knives bite deeper.

OK, up you come. Up you come.

- Oh, well done, Phil! - There we go.

Think Jess and Joe - maybe won that one. - Yes.

Really good job. Very good job.

It's hard to not say that sarcastically.

PHIL LAUGHS

What do you think we're going to be doing now?

I'll bet you £100 it's ice sculpturing.

All right, you're on.

Have you got £100 with you?

No, no.

Hello!

Oh, David's been hoarding. Hoarder David.

In a post-apocalyptic world,

learning how to re-use and repurpose items will be essential.

- - Oh. - Will it? - To earn your upcycling badge,

you must create a legacy item which will benefit the camp

from this rubbish pile. ONE PERSON CLAPS

You will be judged on how useful the item is for the camp.

So, yeah, upcycling, that's a... It's a new word on me as well.

Yeah, I don't... I think it sort of means recycling

but it's a bit of "up" to give it some positivity,

but also the sense of insertion.

So what you have to do is insert this new item

up the legacy rectum...

In a cyclic movement.

...like a suppository of - - usefulness. - Oh! - I'm ready.

What I'm looking for is something that is no longer rubbish.

So if you make something that we then have to throw away,

then all you've done is you've spread the rubbish

around the woods.

- So is that all clear? - Crystal.

The time starts now. Start rummaging.

What should I grab? Whatever you fancy.

What about that little scarecrow head?

This is all shit.

That's the whole point of the thing.

This is, as it were, alchemy.

Turn base shit into solid utility.

I love this.

I tell you, growing up in the Black Country,

I've rummaged through my fair amount of skips.

Of course, the belt from a spa robe.

Those will be from those beauticians we killed.

Only one of them, actually.

All right, Phil! I think we've got enough.

Let's get the fuck out of here. - Shall we go? - Let's go.

Bye, Joe.

You little prick.

You...

Thought they'd never leave.

I love this. It's like Art Attack,

but less dignified.

All right, so...

- Our idea. - There's lots of flies everywhere.

So I was thinking, if we make, you know, like, the Australian hat

with the corkscrews?

- Ah. - We can put bells...

I have a master's in engineering.

So can I just take a nap, then?

No... I don't really have...

Not really, cos I wasn't great at it.

Behind every strong dummy man

is a strong dummy woman.

- Yeah. - So let's make a Mrs Dummy - David. - Exactly.

What are we making again?

So, this is going to go in between.

What...? What are we making again?

I can't... I genuinely don't know.

PHONE RINGS

It must be one of the other guys,

cos they're the only ones still alive.

Wow, it's so hard being in the wilderness.

That's a sleeping bag in the shape of a body.

We could we could stuff this, hang on, two... breasty cups, maybe.

What size cup do you think...?

I think we need two of those.

Two of these.

Oh, those two bells could be good nipples.

Great boobs. It's like an early Madonna.

Yeah.

Who wouldn't want a go on them?

I'm worried about this.

So you know what...? It might hit me in the face,

and my face is everything.

Oh, this is working. OK. Done. That's perfect.

That is the end part that's going to go in the fire.

What are we do...? What are we making?

We're making a fire blower.

- Oh, are we? - Yeah.

So you blow on it and then the oxygen slams...

Flams..Flans... Fans...

Fans the flames. On the fire. Flams the flanes.

Look...

BELLS JINGLE

Already works.

We need that flattened off a little bit.

I'm quite excited to see

whether this is actually going to work or not.

Are my muscles bulging?

Which one?

What do you mean, "Which one?"

This... This can be to make the head comfortable.

Do you see what I mean?

Do you want to try that? Go on, then.

Cos then if you have enough of that... That's good.

- Oh! - That works, yeah?

Oh, it's still too high.

OK, just... You just carry on. You're doing great, Joe.

You're doing really great.

Really great.

Let's stuff this chick.

Do you think we've given her too much leg?

- Keep pushing. - OK.

Oh, God. I can see it. I can see it.

- Is it crowning? - Yeah.

Go easy, like you're cutting through butter.

♪ Butter, butter, butter. ♪

I hate butter!

♪ Butter, butter, butter. ♪

JOE SCREAMS ALONG

I'll tell you what, just make a little cut.

Trust me, I used to do this to my dresses all the time.

- - That's it. - Oh! - That's it.

That's it. That's it.

My mum would buy us dresses that would drag on the floor

and I'd rip them up and then dress like a tart to school.

Did you ever do that?

Dress like a tart? Yeah.

Just wanted the girls to pay attention.

She's gorgeous.

She's so stunning.

Look at her rosy red cheeks!

She's the belle of the ball.

These are a really lovely set of norks.

You've done this before.

I was quite a late bloomer, Darren,

so I'm quite used to gaffer-taping tits onto what doesn't exist.

Yeah. Fair enough.

I thought... I think what we need is somewhere to put the thing.

What do you think of this?

Um, I'm immediately thinking there are some...

There are some quite serious design issues.

Do you not like the hat?

Do you know, there's a lot I like about it,

but there's more that I don't like about it.

So, what are we going to call it?

Lucille.

Simple.

So you can use her chalkboard to communicate

anything you wish to change about the camp.

That you might be too... Like an agony aunt!

Yeah. Like a... Like, almost like a priest. Like a confessional.

Secrets.

Understanding.

Emotion.

Sue. You can tell her your secrets,

your thoughts, your desires.

Oh, that's STD.

What's that?

Picture the scene - insects, mosquitoes bothering everyone

in the camp until someone pops on the new...

That's going to be good.

"Fly Away."Oh.

Would you like to give it a go? It's full of comforting...

Comfortable stuffing.

Yeah.

And with a chinstrap there to...

You see, the key thing is the wearability.

That's. I don't know if it's...

I hope it doesn't look like this,

but that's a fashion priority for me.

Look good and let it all hang out.

If you do that to the top, there's a very pleasing internal rhythm.

Oh, it's... I'm in a caravan and it's raining.

- Yes. - I'm back to Brittany.

It's 1984.

Now my hair people are going to take 20 minutes righting that.

- Yeah. - OK.

- Hello? - Hi, David. Hello, David.

What do we have here?

Welcome to Lucille.

Can I draw your attention to the smoking, smouldering fire

that looks like it's... Oh, has that gone out?

Shit.

That's where... Lucille. ...this little lady comes in.

Oh, hold on.

There was no fire.

- No. - Oh, wow!

That's really... She's really got it going.

This could herald the first major forest fire

of the south east of England and lead to the evacuation of London.

Could I invite you to try?

Look at the flames come.

LAUGHS MANIACALLY

Lucille,

the remote control for fires.

You know, the lazy arsonist's friend.

Susie.

How's that feel?

That's a busty girl.

I think we've put her tits too low.

If mine were down there, I'd be seeing a doctor.

"We've put her tits too low."

- - Hi, David. - Hello! - Hi, bud.

I'm excited to see what seems like a third person.

Let me and Maisie introduce to you...

BOTH:Susie!

Ain't she a belle?

Susie.....stands for...

...secretive, understanding, sexy, intuitive... Empathetic.

...and empathetic.

And what does Susie do?

You can come up here, you can maybe write on her board.

She's got a little chalk pocket here, look.

Ah, so there's an anonymity.

Yeah. I really think Susie is going to be used for things like...

"Anyone lost this sock?" And you just put the sock on

maybe her nipple.

That's Twitter in 2008, isn't it?

You're being very, very naive

because people set out on the Internet with this message system

where people can anonymously tell each other things

and it turned to absolute bile

and so it shall be with Susie's crotch-level blackboard.

Now, the boobies... I was interested by that.

We knew you would!

Yeah, absolutely. We know you're a tits guy. Yes.

And so... It's like you've put little,

little brass bells as nipples.

Yeah. You might actually not even want

to write your grievance on the crotch-level blackboard any more...

Just have a fun time... once you've had a dingle on her nipples.

- Want a hug? - Perhaps she'll press them against me.

- Go on. - There we go.

- Lovely! - They're quite... That's...

That's quite sharp.

She's a sturdy girl.

Yeah, yeah... Go on. Have a play.

Yeah, that's... She liked that. Very nice.

I'm going to say... She's blushing.

- Look! - That would take a bit of getting used to but...

You'll get there, I'm sure.

Didn't say he hated it.

He didn't say he hated it.

Well done, Suse!

He loved your norks.

You look very nice with the brolly, guys,

with your little parasol.

Oh, thank you.

It suits you.

It suits him. He's hogging it all.

You passed it to me, said it was a - gift. - There's more tension again.

Stop rowing! I can't handle it.

Just constantly go from sexual tension to...

Sorry to interrupt, Outsiders.

It's time for your next badge.

Oh, it's the horny wolf!

To earn your surveillance badge,

you must gather intelligence

by keeping a close and continuous watch on an individual.

Please make your way to the Jamboree area

and await the arrival of the target.

- It's clear! - There's a pair - of binoculars. - Oh, look!

Pay close attention to everything you see in here

because you will be tested on this later.

You take the binoculars, I'll take notes.

Whoever makes the most correct observations wins the badge.

Good luck.

Oh, can I have a pistachio?

Do you have some pistachios? Oh, wow.

I can see several camera people.

A sound guy.

So most people who have binoculars,

it's for war, looking at birds or perving.

Yeah, it's one of those three.

I've always wanted binoculars.

There's definitely an ant in my bra.

Lucky ant!

- Phil. - I can see Phil.

And he's with Fatiha.

Phil and... Sat together.

Fatiha.

Fatiha is repeatedly punching Phil.

"Punching Phil."

How many pistachios have you eaten now, would you say?

Over 50.

OK.We need more pistachios.

Do you feel like a bit of a creep?

Yeah, but I've... Like...

I can hear David.

This is so exciting. I feel...

I do feel like a pervert, yeah.

He's coming. Shit.

Hey. He's wearing a trench coat.

"Trench coat."He looks like he's nude underneath.

DAVID WHISTLES

He's whistling. He's whistling!

If we can hear that, they can hear that.

Sh, there he is.

What is that?

JOE HUMS SAME MELODY

What's that tune?

I don't know. I can't remember what it's called.

He's whistling Old Britannia.

"Morning, Mr Magpie. How's your good wife?"

Time for my one o'clock straightener, I think.

"One o'clock straightener."

Straightener normally means "fight" in the old days.

He's got an umbrella as well.

And I think he's got a raging hard on.

He just looked at me.

He's opened up the cabinet,

there's a banana...

And now he's taking a glass out and he's pouring himself a glass.

It looks like piss.

Walking with his umbrella.

He sees... He's looking on the floor.

Two, three, four, five, six...

- What's he saying? - I don't know.

He's counted to ten.

This man's insane.

Mm, about my age.

Oh, he's counting the rings on the fallen bit of tree.

This pencil's shit.

I'd love a pistachio right now.

He's taking his shoes off. Oh, this is weird.

Oh, man. Don't you hate it when people do that on a flight?

OK. His shoe is now acting as a phone.

It's either a real phone or he's losing his fucking mind.

Hello, Red Squirrel.

It will be Autumn soon. "Red Squirrel."

You can't trust the weatherman.

- Autumn. - My life is fucking weird.

"You can't trust the weatherman."

Yes."You can't trust the weatherman."

Into his brown brogue show.

And he's put it back on.

He's walked over to Dummy David.

Thank you, Dummy David.

He said, "Thank you, Dummy David."

Due east from here.

And then he saluted with his right hand

cos this man is a penis.

He's taking large steps east.

How many steps has he taken?

- Six or seven. - Hang on. He's opening his umbrella.

Oh, there's a picture on his umbrella. I can't see...

There's a face. What is it? What is it?

I can't make it out.

Cleared the leaves. GASPS

There's a suitcase. He's found a briefcase.

Picked up suitcase.

He's walking off now.

Super excited.

Has he got an enormous arse?

I'm writing it down.

His arse looks enormous.

It could be padded, but it might be important.

What was that all about?

I think we did OK.

Is he having a breakdown? It's hard to tell.

I think it's a win

that he was wearing a mac in the woods

and he didn't get his knob out.

Yeah, that's what I mean...

Like, it's just screaming... HONKS

Let's go. Thanks.

Could he be hiding something in his arse?

It was big enough.

Like... the cupboard under the stairs size.

It was big.

Oh, I think we got out of there.

I don't think he saw us.

- Oh! - Oh, no.

- Oh. - What's this?

Now those perverts have finished watching my David time in the woods,

they must answer a series of questions

based on what they've observed.

Completely mesmerised by his eyes.

It's like, wherever I go, they're following me.

It's intense.

If I go there...

...he's still looking at me.

If I go there, he's still looking - at me. - Go behind it.

If I go there... Still looking at you... still looking at me.

He is still looking at you.

He always watches us.

It was nice to watch him. Turn the table.

So, yeah.

And he's not very interesting, I'm sorry to report.

I hope I took enough notes.

You better have taken enough notes.

Otherwise, this is going to - end very badly for you. - Ooh!

So the first question is what colour was the band on David's trilby?

It was red, blue and white.

Hat in French colours.

It was... It was white. - Red, white and blue. - Yeah.

What else?

Erm, a dick.

I'm not going to do a dick.

I'm not going to do a dick. What colour were David's socks?

Argh!

I think red.

But I don't know why I think that. I didn't look at his socks.

Shall we say... pink?

Brown. The shoes were brown.

Shall we put "cappuccino"?

I think that's getting too specific.

Yeah, but cappuccino's, like, milky brown.

OK, put cappuccino.

How'd you spell it?

Oh. What was he whistling?

I can remember it now, it goes...

He was going.

HUMS MELODY

DARREN FINISHES IT OFF

Which is the beginning of... The Beatles.

Shall I just say "Valkyrie"?

Valkyrie. Just like a catch-all term.

PHIL WHISTLES

No, that's the American...

No, it's not. ♪ Land of hope and glory... ♪

You can't just sing American lines to a French tune.

"How many paces?" - Six. - Six or seven.

I think it's seven.

Oh, I don't want to fall out at this point.

What do you want to...? Seven.

Seven.

"How many paces did David walk before uncovering the briefcase?"

Why...? Did you count that?

- Yeah, I did. - Really?

Yeah, bruv.

Wow. I'm so impressed.

- Six. - Don't say, "Six." - Six. - You said, "Six."

- Six. - Is it six?

Go for six.

- Go for six. - Come on.

Six. Seven. Put seven.

And then I'll just put, "Extra observations..."

"Looked like you had a massive arse..."Arse."..on the way out."

"Padded?" Question mark.

Looks like you had a - massive padded arse. - OK.

I feel like there's more we could do.

I know what I want to do. Are you going to do a big willy

coming out the bottom of his coat. Oh, don't...

Good, though, isn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you, my darling.

- Wow! - Argh! Take it. Take it.

Argh!

That's not hot. That's for you, Phil.

- Thank you. - Want some in the mouth?

Argh!

- - Sorry. - Joe! - Sorry.

Oh, no.

Are you squirting on Phil?

Taking that off you now.

What are those? Toasting marshmallows.

Anyone want to toast marshmallows?

Let's get involved.

I thought they were weapons.

Do you know what I feel like?

I feel like... You know, like in an American movie...

Oh, yeah, yeah... where they all sit by the fire,

and then they have hot chocolate and cream,

and then they all die in about an hour.

Guess who dies first!

And then it will be me.

And then we Phil, cos I'm the slowest

so I'll die next.

- I'll die. - I'm just...

I'm just the blackest.

Yeah. But I'm like the dead janitor.

THEY LAUGH

When you was up making the drinks, we were talking about,

like, identity theft.

- Have you ever had that? - I have.

Somebody intercepted a bank letter,

took on my personal information,

created a false passport,

went into a bank in Milton Keynes pretending to be me,

and transferred a lot of money to a bank account.

- Someone's doing well! - From your own bank account?

From my bank account.

They were, like... They were part of a criminal cartel.

Had a detective come round and interview me.

A really similar thing happened to me.

What happened to you, Joe?

Someone got a hold of my bank details and bought loads of...

About two or three sex dolls

with my details and had them sent to my house...

...and I never got the money back.

I had to keep the sex dolls.

How many sex dolls? Three expensive sex dolls.

Are they still there? They're still in my house.

What am I going to do with them? Did you have to use them?

I've had them for two or three years? No... No?

I had them delivered to my house

and they said that I'd signed for them.

You just said, "I had them delivered to my house."

Oh.

Ahh.

Ah, well, I put in a false claim...

No, of course I didn't.

I'm sure it was someone else.

Maybe it was me.

We're approaching the end of day four in the woods,

and the Outsiders have learnt that tying yourself in knots

isn't as easy as it sounds...

- Huh? - You're an engineer.

Don't give me that. "Huh?"

...that with plenty of hard work and determination,

you can turn a lot of rubbish into...

These are a really lovely set of norks.

...a load of rubbish.

And then if you want to lower yourself esteem,

just put on a trench coat and have six comedians pass comment

on everything you do.

Has he got an enormous arse?

But now it's time to see if these merciless insults

will get them a badge.

Time to beam yourselves up to the mothership

using your legs.

- Welcome, Outsiders. - Good - to see you again. - Davide!

We didn't recognise you not in your trench coat.

It's the end of day four.

How are you all getting on?

It's dragging, isn't it?

We're having a lovely. A lovely time?

We're having the best time.

Wow.

I'd say that positivity - is quite grating. - Yeah.

Seeing other people have fun can be unbearable.

We've also been doing a - lot of high fives. - Yeah. I think...

- Yeah. - We have a great time but we can see it,

we can see it really taking effect on everyone else.

I remember when high fives first came in

and I was quite enthused by it at the time, but then I was a child.

Right. Let's move on.

The knot badge.

Our expert in knots said of you, Jess,

- "She knows her knots."Ooh. - Wow!

During the knot preparation phase, when everyone else

was desperately learning knots,

you two went for a snooze.

I think I felt like I probably wouldn't be able to follow

the knot instructions, so I was only ever going to freestyle.

But your freestyling was the work of an expert knotter.

You were... A well-rested knotter.

I genuinely don't know how that happened.

Were you, like, a knot person in a previous life?

That's possibly an answer.

In a previous life, you were a jailer in the Middle Ages,

and you had to... Suddenly now you say that...

Didn't you get the smell of sewage and false hope?

- - Yes. - Yeah. - That might have been me.

"The king's going to release me this year."

- Yeah. - Yes.

"Keep your hands still."

That's it.

We tried really hard. We did, yeah. We did our best.

So why did you tie Darren up apart from one hand?

There was a lot of slapping my arse and sucking my finger,

so we had to keep one hand free.

- Wow. - I didn't do the slapping or the sucking.

If I was giving the badges, you'd have the badge.

Thank you, Joe.

I think I think you can see exactly the kind of

fucking mess that this show would be

if Joe was in this seat.

I think that... I mean, sums it up.

You would give the badge to the person who,

when told to tie someone up,

leaves one hand free so that they can suck their finger

and slap their arse.

I mean... What sort of...? ...when you put it like that.

What sort of a system is that?

Fatiha, why did you choose to be the one tied up?

I didn't. He said I had to.

- Oh! - I think we know that's not true.

OK, because he knows I'll swear at them and they won't touch me.

So that's why. That's what he said. He said, "Threaten them."

- Yes. - Well, I do remember that one of your hands

was already quite poorly secured.

Well, that's because I wanted to be gentle and not hurt her.

WHISPERS:Because I'm scared of her.

The competition was, which team can tie up one of their number

so it takes the longest for them to be untied?

Phil and Fatiha, you tied 12 knots

and Fatiha was untied in

one minute 40 seconds.

That's quite quick.

Despite threatening to kill Maisie's family.

Maisie and Darren, you also tied 12 knots and Darren was freed

in two minutes, 45 seconds.

Jess and Joe, you tied 15 knots.

Joe was untied in

three minutes, 45 seconds.

So Joe and Jess, they get the badge

despite not trying.

The best way to win!

Not really hurts, that one.

I feel embarrassed by that one.

It was too easy!

Right, the surveillance badge.

You got a lot of the observations, right.

A few you struggled with.

When I was counting the rings on the tree,

you know how when you go, "One, two, three, four, five, six," like that?

"Oh, about my age."

The implication was I continued...

Oh, so we should have said your age. ALL:Oh!

Yes, you should have said my age.

I'm actually 47.

- Fuck off. - Yeah.

You two are the same age?

Are you 47?

God, I've had an easy life.

THEY LAUGH

Wow. That's what I...

- Wow. - Do you think I look massively older than you?

Is that the implication?

Do you live outdoors?

I'm finding this very difficult.

I don't know if this is...

Is this a wind-up?

I'm 47. No, you're not!

We can't be.

I'm feeling very grumpy about this.

I think I look 47.

Is everyone in on this?

How old is he?

Come on.

Look at him.

47!

We need to find out who's the oldest.

What month? What month was you born?

I was born in July. And you?1947.

"1947"?!

Oh, I've given away the truth.

19...

Yeah. No, it's really...

It is 1975, I'm 75.

- No. - Oh, fair enough.

Let's move on with the badges.

1974, July.

And now Fatiha wants us to tell her our PINs.

Joe and Jess, Darren and Maisie, you put ten and Phil and Fatiha put 50.

Isn't it funny how ten plus ten plus ten plus ten

plus five equals 45?

Isn't that funny?

Yes, but it's only two tens

and a 15, so that's 35.

But this is... This has been quite...

Phil and Fatiha.

The good news, you were the only people to correctly guess

the colour of my socks.

- Wow! - What did you say?

Cappuccino sock. Yes.

Oh, my days.

"Cappuccino"?

So good. You filled in the things, it was marked,

so here are the scores.

Maisie and Darren...

Oh, no.

- 13. - Oh.

Joe and Jess,

11.

- Oh! - Oh, hello.

And Phil and Fatiha...

14.

- Oh! - Oh, yes, I did it.

That was the order.

I wanted to annoy you.

- There we go. - That's so cruel!

You're sick. That was sick.

Right now, the upcycling badge.

Firstly, Maisie and Darren's.

- Oh! - Wow.

So this is Susie.

She doesn't do anything that isn't apparent.

- Whoa! - Basically, she's a sort of sexy notice board.

I think the boobs are liable to take an eye out.

I thought it was going to be like a hugging stick

where if you needed a bit of... "Hugging stick?"

But you couldn't hug that because it would hurt.

David hugged her. I tried to hug her

but it's absolutely... Those nipples...

The nipples were too much?

But it felt good to have her giant norks when you hug her.

Is it not nice? Not hard norks.

You just want... You want soft. It's a hard nork life, guys.

Come on.

And to play us out tonight, from the musical Annie...

Well, let's move Susie to the sofa

and bring in Phil and Fatiha's creation.

Here we go.

ALL:Wow! Look at that.

It's to keep away insects and critters from your head

when you're relaxing in camp.

- Oh, that's really cool. - You sound like a Morris dancer.

OK, so basically, it's a bucket.

THEY LAUGH

How dare you!

All I can say is it's marginally more impressive

than if you'd brought in a hat on and gone, "That's a bucket."

What I like about it is

if you suddenly notice something...

BELLS JINGLE ...it's Christmassy.

"He's coming! He's coming!

"I have been a good boy."

So, yeah, I quite like that.

Ah, there we go.

So this is Joe and Jess' creation.

- Oh! Oh, what happened? - What is that?

I've seen that face before somewhere.

This is Lucille.

Maybe related to Susie.

She's a sort of remote control bellows.

- "Bellows"? - Couldn't have said it better ourselves.

What do you think?

Oh!

We don't really understand... What's the point in...

...the Lucille bit... in Lucille.

What...? What the Lucille figure is,

is decoration of the central rod

that is required for the structure of the invention.

You seem to prefer Lucille to Susie quite a lot already.

I prefer Lucille to Susie

because Lucille does something.

- Oh, simple. - Hold on a second.

What about if you need to tell...?

She literally doesn't do anything.

The pipe does something.

Have you not just taken what already existed, as a bellows device,

and made it unwieldy?

Absolutely not. Where is this coming from, Phil?

I'm just... Where is this coming from, big guy?

Can I just ask why it's through her nose?

You can ask away. You can ask all bloody night.

That's... More politicians should use that.

We are always coming last

despite having really creative, cool ideas.

We don't know what you want from us, David!

It's not just that I prefer Lucille to Susie.

I also prefer Lucille to Bug Off.

- Oh, no. - Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Ow! - Wow, look at you now.

Oh, yeah. Give him another badge. Give him another one.

OK. Yes.

Wow.

- There we are. - Don't clap!

Right, so I'll just quickly summarise tonight,

and I don't want to rub it in.

OK, so tonight's total, Joe and Jess get two badges,

Phil and Fatiha gets one badge

an Maisie and Darren don't get - any badges. - No badges.

Overall, Phil and Fatiha are on four badges,

Joe and Jess are on six badges,

and Maisie and Darren are on three badges.

OK, guys, just a bit of fun.

And time for me to head off, I think.

- Yeah, I think so. - Night, all. You coming, Susie?

Oh, now you'd like Susie.

Yeah. Now she's good. Now she's your favourite.

Have you ever seen Peep Show?

Fashion! That's the first badge.

Whoa. You're going straight in there.

Yes! Savage!

Recruiting new members will be the key

to ensuring a continued labour force.

We'll turn you into meat and will eat your body parts.

To earn your ballistics badge,

choose and test a projectile weapon.

Javelin in! Stop the clock!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media