Original subtitles

War, pandemics, climate change -

ever wonder what would happen if society ended

and we had to start again?

I bet you have. I've used six comedians to find out,

let loose in the wild to fend for themselves,

as far as insurance and their agents would allow.

What is my greatest fear in the great outdoors?

I have to say stampedes.

Each day they'll be learning vital skills...

SHE MAKES A MONKEY NOISE

What I lack in skill I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

Maisie!

I just think we'll have a lovely time, as long as there's no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful of everything.

Right... Get in, you great jessie.

Keep your smelly body bits fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh.

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation? Don't worry about it. Got that covered.

How you doing, good-looking? Turn the cameras off!

I've got 13 siblings so I grew up with nothing, do you know what I'm saying?

Look at my cute little face. Do I look like I lie?

Yes. LAUGHTER

What kind of world will they build?

Rule number three is only shag on a full moon.

Will they thrive?

I've lost a little bit of enthusiasm.

Will they survive?

Maisie!

Will they die?

They won't die. I mean, they'll die one day.

This is Outsiders!

Can you cook a chateaubriand on a camp fire?

Mmm! Yummy!

You know how people say don't talk to me until I've had my coffee?

I'm honestly such an arsehole before I've had something to eat.

- - Joe? - Yes? - Your breakfast is here.

It's like six sausages, seven rashers of bacon.

- Oh, that'll be me. - Yeah.

Well, that's the maddest thing that's ever turned up.

There's nothing more wonderful than free food.

It's so great, isn't it?

I think I'd eat raw chicken if it was given to me free.

- Morning, all. - Oh, morning.

- S'up? - S'up?

S'up to you, too. I like the er... Yeah... paint.

It's a new... It's a new day. It's a new us.

The Maisie and Darren of yesterday - aren't here. - They're dead.

These are the bad boys now.

Well, yesterday was a big day.

The situation is that Joe and Jess have two badges,

Phil and Fatiha have one badge

and Maisie and Darren have yet to score.

The first badge is the Education Badge.

Ooh! I like the sound of this.

He's got a masters. Just give us the badge now.

In a post-apocalyptic society, preserving knowledge is key.

To earn your Education Badge you will need to create new subjects

for a future curriculum.

You will be judged on both your communication skills

and academic rigour.

At last! Some academic rigour.

- Yes? - I don't understand that one.

- - Society is finished. - Sure. - OK?

But you think - I mean, maybe you don't think

and this can come through in your work -

but you think that education should still happen.

But all the old rules of what you teach people,

they're not relevant any more,

so what is relevant... Oh! ...to your new society?

What do you need to teach people?

Go off and think in your thinking areas

and I'll come and see what you've come up with later.

Make sure you're walking like a bad boy.

I don't want anybody to think we're... Bad boys walk slow, bad boys walk slow. Yeah.

Is this...?OK, we can walk normal - now. - OK, good.

OK, so, what can we do? What can we teach?

- - Whittling. - Whittling. - We can - whittle. - I'm going to put that.

- Whittling. - What can I do? Juggling, you said.

Just give me a little taste - of your juggling prowess. - OK.

I'm better with rocks. Ah, yeah. Everyone is.

OK, yeah - juggling, definitely. Yeah.

That's definitely on the list - juggling.

Part of the reason why human beings are successful community-wise is

that we gossip a lot. I think that's a great one.

That was also the best part - of school, I thought. - Yes.

You need to learn how to gossip in secret, innit?

You know, someone might go, "You know that Phil? He's got STD."

And then you walk in and they go...

- Oh, that's what that means. - Yeah.

I'd been wondering what people had been getting at.

What are we thinking? Maybe like combat.

Squatbite so you... Squatbiting.

Squatbiting. So with two people down...

You look like you're about to take a shit.

Yeah.

Yeah! Erm...

Really?! That's good gossip.

Do you know what my favourite is? - What? - Blind drawing.

So I'm going to look at you... Mm-hm.

...and then I'm going to close my eyes and draw a picture of you. OK, this is fantastic.

I don't even mind this is irrelevant from the task.

- I'm having a nice time. - OK.

Have you got...? Wow! OK, wow.

SHE GASPS Oh, that's good!

OK, there's no bad ideas.

Goldfish remembrance. Goldfish remembrance.

Have you ever eaten a goldfish? - Have I ever eaten a goldfish? - Yeah.

That makes me think you've eaten a goldfish.

I've never eaten a goldfish. I know a guy who did at school.

Was it alive? I think it was alive, yeah.

He swallowed it whole.

Yeah, he had... He had problems at home.

So it's between teamwork - - or murdering? - Yeah. Killing. - Yeah.

It's the opposite of teamwork. - It's the opposite of teamwork. - Mm.

I don't think you need to be trained.

Did I betray my lack of skill?

No, no, you showed exactly what the hell you're doing.

That just instincts. - It was unnerving. - OK.

- Ahem. Hi! - Hello.

Now, so, are these your subjects?

Phil and Fatiha's - history of the world. - Yeah.

- Gossiping slash street smarts. - Mm-hm.

Hygiene. Some improvised forest hygiene.

Right, so... So what to wipe yourself with.

Yeah, so you can also use mint for toothpaste.

- Do you see what I mean? - So you could - spot mint in the wild? - I can.

- And other bits of thing? - Yeah.

Without it being labelled in a packet in the supermarket?

Why didn't you put spotting plants? No, no but... That's much better than any of these.

You've turned it into spotting plants.

You could spot plants. That's an actual skill.

This knowledge will be lost. - There's no internet. - Yeah, yeah.

Well, you've not pitched it, so it's a bit of a shame for the future

and the programme, but you know...

Erm, what's your history of the world?

No-one knows what the history of the world before this new one is,

so we might as well make up our own.

I'm going with that. I want you to prepare me

a five-minute lesson on your new history of the world

for a world without knowledge.

So you've got 15 minutes - and meet me in the jamboree area. - OK.

- OK, now. - See you later.

I think they missed a trick. She can tell which plants you can eat and what tastes of what

without, you know, sticking them in her mouth.

That is a real skill that I'd be interested to learn.

- - Hello? - Hey, David. - Right, so what are your lesson ideas, please?

From a very young age, you learn how to do squatbite.

This is an official squatbite mat. - Yeah. - You squat around, biting. - Exactly. - Yeah.

Where do you try and bite someone? - Anywhere! - Oh-ho! - Anywhere. - That's the fun part.

- - Squatbite. - Squatbite. - Next one?

Well, Goldfish Day.

Yes.

It'll start with a moment, a minute, of remembering a goldfish... Right.

- Yeah. - I don't need to do that for the minute. You get the gist.

I'm going to go with squatbite. Squatbiting.

I would like to prepare a five-minute lesson on squatbiting.

- Easy. - OK.And you've got 15 minutes to do that

and then meet me, please, in the jamboree area.

Great.

We have a saying in television -

don't pitch an idea that you think is shit yourself

because you can bet that'll be the one they go for

and you then have to try and make.

We'll see and I apologise for the consequent television.

Ahem. Hello?

- - Enter. - Ah, David. - Thank you.

So the three subjects you're pitching are eyes-closed drawing... Yeah.

...whittling and murder.

Murder is a wild card, though.

Would you like to have a go at blind drawing? - Come over here. Come on. - Yeah?

So Joe's going to hold a knife and a stick.

He's not going to come at me, is he?

And I shout charge, ignore that.

You must keep your eyes closed throughout the whole process.

Hat...

Oh, yes.

This is really...

- Oh, there's the knife. - Wow!

It probably looks like a penis, the way I've done it,

but then that probably says something about me.

Some penises do... Was he wearing trousers?

Erm... Don't give me a clue.

I think you weren't, so I'm going to go cock and balls.

I mean, this is so liberating!

Wow! That is... Shall I have a look? - Yes! - Yeah, let's all have a look.

What I love is that the cock and balls and the stick have sort of merged... Yeah.

He looks like he's wanking.

I mean, I didn't mean... There are no wrong answers.

- Right. - There's no wrong here.

I would like you to prepare for me, please, a five-minute lesson

- on whittling. - Oh, for...

You've got 15 minutes to prepare it

and then meet me - in the jamboree area. - OK.

I'll see you later.

Eyes-closed drawing, though. I found it quite liberating

and I think I understood for a moment

why... why doing graffiti on things might be cathartic,

so I might pop down Belsize Park tube station

and ruin a couple of carriages later today.

So we have our three invaluable lessons for the post-apocalypse.

All we need now is a classroom full of eager, attentive minds,

or in other words, some children from a local stage school.

HE LAUGHS Oh, no! Hi, there, kids.

- FATIHA AND PHIL:No way! - Oh, boy.

They really look like children, don't they?

Hi. God, she's like something out of the Handmaid's Tale.

PIGEON COOS

PIGEON COOS

Good afternoon, children. How are you all?

Please take your feet off the desk.

Oh, goodness!

Could you please take your...? Thank you very much.

Now, you're going to be genuinely working as teachers

confronting a class full of children.

This couldn't be more authentic

if we underpaid you and then gave you 13 weeks holiday.

At the end of your lesson I will chat to the children like an Ofsted inspector... Yeah.

...find out what lesson they found most inspiring, most useful

and then I will award the badge

according to the pair with the best teaching ability

and the lesson with the most merit.

And I'd like you to go first, please, Darren and Maisie,

and if the rest of you would go into those observer chairs.

- I'm Darren. - And I'm Maisie.

And we're here to teach you... Squatbiting!

"What's squatbiting?" I hear you ask.

OK. It's a sport but it's also how you can defend yourselves

against other people, OK?

You squat down like this and you must be under three foot.

That's what the stick's there for, - to check the height. - OK?

And you must keep your hands behind your back at all times,

maintaining your balance.

And then you have to try and bite the opponent.

It's very important because it builds strength, character

and it's good for your teeth.

Look at Darren's teeth, right? That is a squatbiter's teeth, OK?

I think they're making this quite frightening.

- Any questions? - Oh, yes, please?

Out of the two of you, who's the best at squatbiting?

Oh! We'll let you decide that.

Do you want to...?Let's have a go. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Ahem.

Can you just check that we are under the height regulations, please?

- Thanks so much. - There we go. Try not - to hit me with it, though. - Yeah.

- - Great. - Are we under? - Yeah.

OK, when you're ready...

- Go! - Squatbite!

Oh!

I think that answers your question.

He fell off the mat. I didn't even have to bite.

When it comes to it, they're unwilling to bite in front of children,

which...

At least they have some decency.

- Yes, sir? - Miss Adam... Yeah? ...why do you speak so funny?

Why do I speak so funny? PHIL:OK!

JOE:Fair point.

I'm hoping that in this post-apocalyptic world

my language skills will develop.

The, er, viewers from Yorkshire are going to be writing in about that.

I think that's the end of double Squatbiting... Thank you. ...for today.

Thank you very much, er... And thank you, guys... Darren - and Maisie. - Thank you very much.

And if you'd like to come to the back

and the next lesson is from Mrs Hynes and Mr Wilkinson.

- Follow that. - Boo, boo. You guys boo.

- - Boo! - Boo! - Stop booing, stop booing straight away, please.

- Thank you very much. - Oh, she's very strict, isn't she?

She's very strict. We weren't like that.

- - What's your name? - Mia. - Mia? Imogen.

- - Jermaine. - Maynard. - Maynard.

- Harmony. - Harmony and...? - Nicholas. - Nicholas, right.

Did you get that, Mr Wilkinson?

- Yeah. - Got it.

Erm, what do you guys know about Toby jugs?

Great.

It's a form of Staffordshire pottery.

Erm... First... I've lost them.

No, they're absolutely gripped, - right? - The first...

The first Toby jug was thrown in about 1760.

Genuinely, this is what I call a lesson.

Could you pass this round the classroom, please?

The, er... The figurine is usually holding a cup.

- Have a look at it. - A cup...

If you're not interested just go.

OK, over to you, Jessica.

LAUGHTER

I'm done with this. I can't really work with this... They're savages.

Mr Wilkinson is having quite a lot - - of personal issues. - Monsters. - Erm...

Would you like to draw a Toby jug... No... for us on the chalk board?

Come on - how could you resist this?

I don't really want to but I'll do it because we said we would.

HE SIGHS

GIRL:Come on!

Come on!

More like supportive encouragement.

Do you know what? If you were 25 years older, I would knock you out.

So that is essentially what a Toby jug looks like.

Have I explained enough what a Toby jug is?

A mug with a face.

- - Wonderful! - Yes! - Yes!

Well done, thank you.

Jermaine's falling asleep. It's really hard.

I honestly don't know how teachers do it.

Sorry, yes, Maynard? Can't we just do squatbites?

- Oh, come on, dude! - Yeah!

Come on! Thanks, Maynard. I'm out, I'm out.

Let's leave them. - All right, Mr Wilkinson. - Come on.

I think that's... That's the end of that very interesting lesson

on whittling and Toby jugs. - You're welcome. - Thank you, children.

And now Mr Wang and Ms El-Ghorri will be conducting the next lesson, please.

JOE:I'm quietly confident about - that. - Yeah, I think we smashed it.

Hi. Hi, kids. How's it going?

I'm Phil, this is Fatiha

and we are going to be teaching you

the history of the world.

The world used to be a bountiful, beautiful place

full of cities and cathedrals

but we were disrespectful of the Earth.

Literally, we, we, we... We spat on it.

We wee'd on it.

Until eventually the world said... JOE:That's disgusting.

...enough.

The only food left were in the great supermarkets.

Now, children, you probably don't remember what supermarkets are.

- Fatiha? - Yeah? What were the great supermarkets?

Hold on. Let me write this.

Oh, have you got a question? I think it's spelled S-U-P-E-R.

Yeah, that's how they used to spell it.

JOE LAUGHS

- Yes? - Miss El-Ghorri, are you telling the truth?

Look at my cute little face. Do I look like I lie?

Yes.

Maynard, what would you like to ask?

I have a question regarding the Toby jugs.

- Yes, yes, please, yes! - Go on. Go on.

What teaching qualifications do you have?

Just a passion, just... None at all.

Sorry to interrupt. The back row is going to get a throttling

if you chat again.

You can't physically touch us, Miss.

Listen, when these are out of here I will touch you all,

apart from you, children.

- Yes? - Er, Mr Wang, is wang rude?

Wang is rude in some cultures.

In my homeland, Wang was a very proud and beautiful name.

In the land once known as the UK, it meant a man's ding-dong.

And the people of my clan found this very, er, upsetting.

- Yes? - What are other names for ding-dongs?

Other names for ding-dong included wazzajack.

OK? Er, slip-spike.

Er, long pimple.

And the Great One Beneath.

This is what they should be doing in schools

because this is what you need for life.

There's so many words for ding-dong.

Sorry, I was just... I was just writing down all the different names.

Erm, er, thank you very much.

That's the end of the third lesson of the day

and the teachers can return to their common room.

- Oh, oh, right. - Thank you. High fives.

Goodbye, kids. See you at squatbiting.

Thank you all for that. You were excellent students.

But what I really need from you is a sense of who were the best teachers

and also, crucially, who were the worst?

Who did you think was rubbish?

- I think that went well. - I think it did. I think we smashed it.

- They loved us. - They loved us.

We brought the energy, we brought the fun.

Who enjoyed the squatbiting lesson?

- You seem less sure? - Erm, I just thought that it was very violent.

- I like violence. - You like it?

So the violence for you was a positive?

- Yes. - More violence, please.

You're not sure. Why's that?

When changing, they encouraged us to boo the other teachers.

Yeah, that's definitely a mark against them.

Now, in terms of the whittling lecture,

does anyone remember anything from that lecture?

Oh, everyone. Lots of things. Yes?

That jugs apparently have faces. Jugs have faces. You remembered that.

I still don't know if we were learning about Toby jugs or whittling.

It was like you'd opened a gateway into a magical kingdom.

I, erm... I loved the look on their faces.

They were engaged... They lit up - with joy. - They lit up.

- Yes? - I think if Mr Wilkinson just forgot about his life problems for a second whilst teaching,

he would be better. We'll make a note of that -

if Mr Wilkinson forgot about his life problems for a second.

Who thinks Mr Wilkinson should be allowed to be a teacher?

So is that none of you?

OK. None thinks he should be allowed.

And the history lesson - who enjoyed that?

What about Ms El-Ghorri? Yes?

Erm, she's bad at spelling.

You can tell they were posh kids

because if those were like Hackney kids

they'd be like,, they'd love that.

They be like, "Oh, my God - a supermarket that talks like us."

- Do you know what I mean? - Is that them calling you a supermarket?

Finally - a supermarket that talks like us.

Does anyone remember any information from that? Yes?

Erm, Mr Wang was pretty inappropriate

about, erm, wang.

Joe tried to get me to say penis in front of a room of children.

This is Joe's tactic for winning the show.

He's going to get the rest of us arrested.

I'm not going to lie, Darren. If we've lost this I'm rioting.

PIGEON COOS

PIGEON COOS

- - Hello! - Hi, David. - David!

Afternoon.

OK, ready for your next badge?

I'm going to start reading what would once have been a laminate.

Historically, monarchs and great leaders were introduced by fanfare.

To earn your Music Badge... Oh, God.

...you must compose a short, showy piece of music

to herald my arrival in camp each morning.

You will have two wandering minstrels to help you

with your writing and performance.

It must be at least ten seconds long and have lyrics.

The winning performance will be played every day

for the rest of the week.

DARREN:Amazing.

That's fantastic. But we don't guarantee...

We will play it every day. We won't necessarily televise that...

Ah!..depending on the standard. - Or enjoy it. - Yeah.

- We've got musicians. - I'm not sure we'll need them, will we?

Well, you don't have to use them but erm...

They can fetch and carry for us. Exactly.

You could get them to do other things.

Get them maybe to compile your tax return for the year.

- Done. It's done. It's done. - Great.

- - Is it? - Yeah. - It's done already? I'm always ahead with it.

So it's like April 5th, that's... - You start? - Mm.

I find that... That's perverse. That's the weirdest thing I've heard about you.

So who are these wandering men? Let's go over here.

The musicians are on their way.

We've assembled a team of virtuoso musicians,

all experts in their field

and now, indeed, experts in our field in Hertfordshire.

JOE:Oh, look at these idiots.

They look like Renaissance re-enactment actors.

JOE:I'm not engaging with any of them.

The Outsiders have 30 minutes

to come up with something extraordinary.

Can someone fetch my beaver-skin earmuffs?

Oh, look a clearing. OK, I think I see an instrument.

This is an Appalachian Mountain dulcimer.

Of course it is! Of course! Yeah!

An Appalachian dulcet mountainer?

OK, so, we've got a saw.

What do you play, then? It's on the bench.

Oh, you play the tambourine.

Er, no. Not today.

- You play the carrot? - Correct.

And there's a water bottle. My instrument is not a water bottle.

I am an opera singer. HE GASPS

SHE SINGS POWERFULLY

HE TUNES PIPES

That's beautiful.

SHE PLAYS JAUNTY, WHISTLING TUNE

- - Wow! - Wow! - You can play a carrot. That's amazing.

I thought you were full of shit but...

- That was amazing. - So we have - a carrot and a... A saw. - A saw.

So we've landed on our feet here. I would say so.

I'm super excited. OK, show us your snake.

So this is a...

Yeah, not the first time out in the woods.

Erm... This is a... Yes, mate! Hooray! There it is.

So, yeah, this is a serpent.

I mean, I'm thrilled.

Opera and bagpipes have always gone so well together.

I think we've got this in the bagpipes.

I think we've got this.

DIDGERIDOO PLAYS

Yeah, look, sorry - could you give it a rest for a bit?

Thanks.

So, music - it's a massive thing in civilization.

It gets developed early on.

You may think you struggle with your Bluetooth speakers

but up to the 19th century,

people were willing to castrate pre-pubescent boys

in order to maintain that sound that they wanted -

the boy treble voice.

Now, that is a sacrifice people were making,

particularly, obviously, the boys.

And, you know, perhaps some people were into it

more for the mutilation of children

but for some it was definitely the music,

so don't count yourself a big muso just because you insist on vinyl.

Wait until you're taking a knife to the testicles of a child

and then you can say you're committed.

Thank you. Erm, do you take requests? Yeah.

Do you know the theme from Ski Sunday?

- I'll try. - Thanks.

HE PLAYS

♪ Da-da-der, da-da-der, da-da-der

♪ Da-da-der, da-da-der Da-da-der

♪ Da-doo, da-doo, da-doo, da-doo Da-doo, da-doo, da-doo, da-doo

♪ Da-doo, da-doo, da-doo-da... ♪

It takes me back.

So it's his fanfare. We want him to feel powerful and strong

and dangerous.

Does it go music then lyrics or lyrics then music?

We can think rhythmically about how it's going to be

or we can think lyrically, how that's going to determine the rhythm.

Let's go. CARROT TOOTLES

This is haunting. This is haunting.

SAW WAILS

Right, sorry. We'll need to write that down.

That's all right. It's in my head, don't worry.

Yo, David, you are our mister.

Phil Wang, fuck your sister.

I'm not sure that's going to make the most of Jennifer's soprano

but...

All right, Outsiders, you have two minutes

to finish your fanfares

and I will meet you down in the camp

and endure them aurally - A-U-R.

Do you want to hear how that sounds in the key that we're playing in? - Yes. - Sure.

Does that mean that we have to sing in that key?

SHE SINGS SWEETLY ♪ O, King David

♪ Something, something, pause. ♪

Well, can I just say something? I think we're done here.

- We'll pick out the best bits. - OK.

- Hello, David. - Hello. I hope you're ready.

- - Hello, everyone. - Hello. - Hello, David.

Erm, have you had a nice time? DARREN:It's been the best.

Where was this challenge yesterday when we were doing jingles for every challenge?

Well, what did you want me to say? We've finally got a musical one.

"Stop doing jingles..." I mean, I tried to discourage you.

- We all tried. - Now we have an excuse to do one.

It's not a jingle. This is a fanfare.

Shall we go first? Shall we go first? We'll go first.

You go first. You're in the middle. Go first.

Come on, then. I'm going to go first.

I clap on my own a lot.

Good luck, guys! And the fanfare is called?

Erm, The Bad Man Mitchell.

Oh, lovely.

PIPES PLAY One, two, three, four.

- Very enjoyable. - That was great, Phil. That was amazing, guys.

And a real sense of sort of danger in nature, there,

which I try and project, personally.

So who wants to follow The Bad Man Mitchell?

OK.Oh, balls.

I'm going to be honest, this is... I wouldn't bother writing ours down.

For a start, I'm really enjoying the sense of nervousness

and, like, you know -

you've turned up at the Great British Bake Off with a packet of Mr Kipling.

So what is the title, please?

The title is Here He Comes.

Do begin, please.

Oh, I don't want to.

SAW AND CARROT PLAY GLISSANDOS

MARCHING TUNE

CARROT RHAPSODISES

Oh, F off!

WHOOPING Very good!

I felt sick to my core.

It's just for you, Darren and Maisie, now. Off you go.

Er, now, please tell me the name of the fanfare.

The song's called Our Favourite David.

OK. Off you go with Our Favourite David.

Two, three, and...

UPBEAT INTRO

WHISTLE TOOTS

WHOOPING

- - Well done! - Well done. - Great work.

- Lovely! - Oh, I feel alive.

Oh, that was great. Well done, lads. Thank you.

They were really all about me, weren't they?

I wasn't necessarily expecting that.

Well, thank you very much. That was... That was really great.

And thank you for excellent... Yeah!

...period slash post-apocalyptic musicality.

I'll obviously give my verdict later

but frankly I'd put them all - on my iPod. - Aw!

Anyway, thank you very much indeed and I'll see you later in the tent.

PIGEON COOS

PIGEON COOS

Did you ever just feel like taking a bite out of that carrot?

It crossed my mind.

Imagine how fuming she'd be.

She was a nice lady but you could tell she could turn.

I bet you played an instrument at school, didn't you?

I reckon like a big French horn or something.

That's the image I give off of me at school?

JOE:French horn, yeah.

- Tripping over your own French horn. - "Hi, everyone!"

"Don't go!"

"Guys, wait up!"

My school life was a bit interesting.

Although I was born here I didn't starting speaking English properly until I was about six.

A couple of years before me.

And then it was tough because there was the language barrier there,

so the kids would want to, like, hit me and stuff like that.

- Hit you? - Yeah. Because, you know, you look different and stuff.

So one time this kid took my wellies.

We were doing something with our feet.

You know when you put your feet in the paint and then put it - on the paper? - Oh, yeah.

And they took my wellies and they filled them with tadpoles,

so I got the wellies, emptied them,

then I got the boy and I took him to that pond

and I tried to drown him.

You know what? That's beautiful.

And he had a mullet and I could just see it waving in the water.

Just so we know the time period when the story happened, he had a mullet.

Your stories always remind me to be nice to you.

To be honest, that's the ending we all expected.

Yeah!

Our teams have spent another day in the wilderness

and by that I mean geographically, not in terms of their careers.

It's time for them to have their work marked.

I can't really work with this. They're savages.

Mr Wang was pretty inappropriate about, erm, wang.

And learned that with the help of highly qualified musicians...

Oh, look at these idiots.

...even comedians can make musical magic

out of just about anything.

WHOOPING

But did they do enough to win a badge?

Time to come and face the music!

OK, make yourselves comfortable, Outsiders.

It's time to listen to the prick.

Joe and Jess, you were the leaders after day one, as we can see.

How do you feel day two has gone? Has it gone as well?

- Yes. - Well, that's... That's very exciting.

I...Jess, would you go along with that prediction?

I'm not sure Mr Wilkinson, you know, erm...

I think he definitely made an impact on the children.

Erm... Are you talking about corporal punishment?

Bring it back, I say.

Well, let's move on to that badge, the Teaching Badge.

I thought the children were absolutely fantastic. I couldn't stand them.

They were great but, Joe, what were you saying?

I just didn't like them. You didn't like them.

Well, there were mixed reactions to you, too, Joe.

No, sorry - not... Not mixed.

None of them thought you should be a teacher.

Jermaine, one of the pupils, said,

"If Mr Wilkinson forgot about his life problems for a second,

"then he'd be a better teacher."

- Oh! - You drew a Toby jug and he analysed you correctly.

Yeah, he's a... He's a gifted child.

- He is. - Jessica.

Er, Nicholas thought you could be a teacher

but only if you bucked your ideas up.

Oh!

OK, did any of the others - Maynard, Zara...?

There was not much of a positive response.

Overall feedback was the lesson was, quote, "just boring."

This has fucked me right off.

Well... It was a stupid task.

They did know that a Toby jug is, quote, "a jug with a face."

LAUGHTER

Er, Phil and Fatiha.

Your lesson on the history of... - The world. - The world, yeah.

And how did you feel it went?

I thought it went all right until one boy asked me about my penis.

I felt I'd lost... I'd lost the thread of the lesson by that point.

And I felt like he knew what wang meant

and was trying to sort of goad me into talking about my genitalia

to a classroom of children who were dressed like pilgrims for some reason.

Jermaine, again, said that he thought Mr Wang was inappropriate.

He didn't use the word inappropriate.

He did use the word inappropriate. He asked the question!

Yes, well, he thought it was inappropriate

when you started talking about wangs.

And, Fatiha, you were accused of being bad at spelling.

What would you say in response to that?

I'd say they need to watch themselves.

- What, are you threatening kids? - Yes!

I do feel that Fatiha was the only person who made a real attempt

at disciplining the children.

- Huh! - Discipline is going to be a very important thing in the post-apocalypse.

I told them to take their feet off the desk.

I was quite insistent on that. That's true.

I don't know if they listened to Jess much

because their take-away was that a Toby jug was something that was invented in 1760,

which is something that Mr Wilkinson told them.

I did see their little eyes light up when I told them that.

What, a whole world of porcelain history opened up in front of them?

I saw one kid go, "Say, what?"

Yeah, yeah.

They also were unclear what subject you were teaching them.

They described the subject as supermarkets.

Well, we had by that point inherited...

We'd inherited quite an unruly class by that point.

And I feel like a momentum had built - against us. - All right.

Maisie and Darren.

One pupil described squatbiting as very violent and pretty inappropriate.

- Was that Jermaine? - It was Jermaine. - It was Jermaine. - I thought it was.

I think inappropriate is a big word on his mood board.

Zara said, "I love their energy.

"I would like more like that and less like the Toby jugs."

- Yes! - Great! I like that.

Er, Joe and Jess, do you regret not going with your original choice of subject,

- which was murder? - Yes.

Yeah. I'd started to do a bit of whittling.

I just wanted to show you what I had whittled today.

I like the fact that you're hiding it under that shawl.

Well, we're embarrassed by it.

Aren't we?

We don't like it.

Erm, well, erm... But anyway, thank you all for your efforts.

I did ask the pupils for their favourite teachers.

Phil, you got one vote.

One?!

Fatiha, you also got one vote.

Maisie, you got two votes.

I'll take two.

Darren...

- Five. - Oh! Darren, well done!

And, Joe and Jess, I regret to say you got no votes.

Oh!

I mean, you definitely got the best response from the pupils.

I think the badge has to go - to Darren and Maisie. - Yes!

- We're on the board at last! - Go on!

- We're on the board! - Oh, mate! - Look at that. - Look at that.

Let's move on to the Music Badge.

The Music Badge, I thought, was a triumph.

Frankly, if this was the first series, I'd give you all a badge.

- Oh! - Oh!

Apparently when I did that in the last series

they didn't... They didn't like that.

They thought that rendered the whole activity entirely futile, so...

I was really counting on this free badge.

Maisie and Darren, a few things to pick up on.

I'm better than, you said very, very kindly... Yeah.

...Davids Jason... Jason. ...Copperfield, Bowie or Bowie,

Yeah. Never get that right. - And Baddiel. - And Baddiel.

Erm, but no reference to Davids Tennant, Beckham, Cameron,

Hasselhoff and, OK, and David Dickinson.

He's done time in prison. You know you're better than him.

Did he? Yeah. It's a great fact, isn't it?

Oh, that is great. I'd love to do a drama about that.

Erm, Phil and Fatiha, I liked your lyrics very much.

You described me as a rabid squirrel.

You know like Superman, you know when they go, "Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Superman."

- Yes. - It was like that.

That's because he could be mistaken for those things

because they're airborne and distant.

He's not walking past you. The feeling is he's a long way away

and if he turned up you wouldn't still think, "Is this a bird?"

It's clearly a big, muscly guy with an S on his t-shirt.

So rabid squirrel troubled me but horny wolf...

Because... Do you think I'm like a horny wolf?

Fatiha?

When you haven't brushed your beard, yeah.

Because I... It's a side of myself that I've felt for a long time.

That kind of... The wild, sort of sexual predator

- waiting to break out. - Yeah. That's...

Because I tell you, I felt seen in that moment.

I've got you, girlfriend.

And, "he's stronger than your dad."

Yeah. I just thought that was a nice compliment.

It's nice but it's not true.

I don't think you're stronger... Yeah.

If I'm stronger than your dad then your dad is ill.

Erm...

Er, Joe and Jess, you enjoyed this badge, right?

You did enjoy it, didn't you? Erm, no, I didn't, no.

Did that come across? - You didn't enjoy it? - No.

I didn't in the end.

But did you...? You all enjoyed it? - Oh, yes. - Loved it. We had a great time.

Everyone else enjoyed it, Joe. Yeah. I don't respect them for that.

Can I ask about the lyric, "lives inside a little van"?

Well, that's where you live when you're on Outsiders.

I don't want people thinking that I don't have a home to go to

and it's all like a boast when I say I'm going home now

but in fact, do you know what? He doesn't go home.

He just goes to a little van. He has to turn on the generator himself,

where the loo won't flush.

The horny wolf in his van. That's not very horny wolf, is it?

Well, I think having cleared up all that,

I think you were all brilliant but I've got to pick a winner

and the winner is...

- Phil and Fatiha! - Oh! APPLAUSE

Let's hear that fanfare once again.

Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, yeah, that deserves it.

Yeah, yeah.

MAISIE:Cigar, money and Cristal.

I'm also going to award my first Golden Badge.

- - Oh! - Ooh! - What?

I think today we created something else rather special here.

The first protest song of this new civilization.

I know you called it Here He Comes.

I'm calling it What Does The Prick Want Now?

And I think that's...

That's something because that is the other theme coming through here.

There's the theme - oh, yes, praise David Mitchell,

but also What Does The Prick Want Now?

"We're cold and the prick is talking. Look at that prick."

For that, I'm giving Joe and Jess the first Golden Badge.

- Oh! - Oh, well done!

Well done.

- Wow! - It's been a great day but I'm going to go home now.

I'm just going to leave you with this.

CARROT CRUNCHES Goodnight.

- - - Bye, David. - Bye. - Bye. - Bye.

To earn your Evasion Badge... It's like cross-country.

...you must escape a pursuing team.

How are you doing, good-looking?

You must devise three relaxing...

Arrrgh!..spa treatments.

You're getting something that isn't shit.

You must come up with three more commandments.

Rule 1 - destination, defecation.

♪ Here he comes, here he comes

♪ What does the prick want now?

♪ Here he comes, here he comes

♪ What does the prick want now?

♪ David is a funny man Lives inside a little van

♪ Holds a clipboard full of rules

♪ Guides the comics to be fools

♪ Here he comes, here he comes

♪ What does the prick want now?

♪ Here he comes, here he comes

♪ What does the prick want now? ♪

CARROT TOOTLES

Oh, F off!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media