Original subtitles

War, pandemics, climate change.

Ever wondered what would happen if society ended

and we had to start again?

I bet you have.

I've used six comedians to find out,

let loose in the wild to fend for themselves,

as far as insurance and their agents would allow.

What is my greatest fear of the great outdoors?

I'd have to say... stampedes.

Each day they'll be learning vital skills...

Right in the spuds.

What I lack in skill

I make up for in enthusiasm.

...and competing for badges.

Maisie!

I just think we'll have a lovely time, as long as there's no snakes.

I'm pretty much fearful of everything.

- Right. - Get in, you great jessie!

Keep your smelly body bits fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh.

Would I be good in an apocalypse?

Repopulation? Don't worry about it. Got that covered.

How you doing, good-looking? Turn the cameras off.

I've got 13 siblings, so I grew up roughing it. Know what I'm saying?

Look at my cute little face. Do I look like I lie?

Yes. THEY LAUGH

What kind of world will they build?

Rule number 3 is "Only shag on a full moon."

Will they thrive? Welcome to Foolya!

Yeah, that'll relax her. Will they survive?

Eat 'em alive if you want. Will they die?

They won't die. Well, I mean they'll die one day.

This is Outsiders!

Oh, no. There's dried poo in my turn-up.

So by the end of this, I'm gonna double in size.

It happens every time I camp. I just don't go to the toilet.

People have been shitting in the woods for thousands of years.

Not a big deal, Joe.

This is OK.This looks nice. Bagsy the biggest one!

Fatiha said she's a snorer, so get down this end. Fati, go down that end!

I'm feeling excited because, I'll be honest,

Fatiha and Phil and Joe and Jess

don't exactly scream "wilderness experts" to me.

Does yours have a PlayStation in it?

So maybe we'll just be the best of a bad bunch.

I think that's what we're aiming for, me and Darren,

is to be the best of a bad bunch.

There's no Wi-Fi? MAISIE LAUGHS

Anything could happen. I've seen Get Out.

I don't know if I'm gonna survive.

I like this part, but everything else I'll struggle with.

Where's the showers?

Would anyone like a little bit of turmeric tea?

Is this the one - that's good for arthritis? - Yes, it's good for all inflammation.

I've got tons of inflammation. - And psychosomatic constipation. - Oh!

Cos I struggle with that. - Yeah? - I do.

I've been paired with Joe.

I feel like he's clearly somebody who has a lot of survival skills.

I've been on a run a few times, and that always comes with...

...being a bit outdoorsy.

Does anybody know - any bonfire songs? - I do.

Bonfire songs? ♪ Ging gang... ♪ Goolie goolie goolie goolie

♪ Watcha Ging gang goo Ging gang goo. ♪

You can't sing that any more. Really?

- Sing it. - Ging gang goolie. Goolie sounds troublesome. Goolie goolie watcha.

- Ging gang goo. - Ging gang goo. - Ging gang goo. - That's fine.

I've got a feeling in my waters there's a cancellation coming in.

We're in the woods. We've already been cancelled.

We turned up to camp, we sang a racially inappropriate song, we left.

I'm not even sure it is. I was just - messing with you. - Stop it! Phil!

THEY LAUGH

When Fatiha and I are faced with a challenge,

we'll meditate on the problem at hand,

then discuss possible solutions, and then take a vote.

My game plan with Phil is

we're gonna talk about all the tasks at the beginning

and then he's gonna do whatever I say.

MILITARY DRUMS

So are you scared of David? What's your strategy?

Are you gonna suck up to him? I don't think you CAN suck up to David Mitchell.

MILITARY DRUM ROLL

- - - Oh, oh, oh. - Hello. - Oh! - Hello!

Welcome, outsiders.

That's your collective noun for the week.

- - Outsiders. - Yeah. - I like that. It's the name of the show.

We're trying to keep - the branding. - Sure.

Now, you're all here because I want to see,

if the world ended tomorrow, what sort of a society you would build -

construct a new Babylon here

or whether it descends into a patch of sewage.

That's one thing, and then the other thing is badges.

ALL:Oh! - Nice! - They're pretty.

The team that wins the most badges wins...

- ...nothing. - Aw.

But there's only nothing available, so that's what you're gonna - be competing for. - Lovely.

Mainly I want to see how would you cope in a world without loo roll.

I've done that for years.

I guess you'd have to do it like a dog and drag your derriere along.

Find a nice bit of fresh grass. Maybe you could designate... We've got a nice long runway here.

You are NOT scraping your arses up to my HQ!

- You find another patch. - We'll find - another patch. - We'll zigzag it.

Right. Your first badge. - Camping. - Oh!

Having the skills to create shelter is necessary

if you're going to survive the elements.

To earn your wild camping badge

you must pitch a tent that will keep ME warm

and protect ME from an impending storm.

By "me", I mean "me".

- Is that you? - Oh, God! I've only just copped that!

Has that been there all this time? You jazzed up his hair.

You're gonna do this in your teams,

and I'm gonna need you to meet me in the caravan park.

Jessica and Joe, you start.

Careful of my knees! It's like Saving Private Ryan! You're lolling my neck.

Have you got the map? I still can't support my neck.

Quickly, get... No, Joe! That's a brogue!

JESSICA HUMS A CAREFREE TUNE

- Putting up a tent. - Yes. - - Have you done that before? - No. - OK.

- - Hello! - That's David. - Hello! Couldn't miss you there.

Do we lose points if we say you look like an idiot?

- I look well prepared. - Where's your suitcase? You look like Paddington.

This is wet-weather Paddington.

Fatiha, what are YOU wearing? I am wearing a duck.

I see. A duck, but with a sort of Elizabethan collar.

Yeah, only because she feels threatened. If I'm scared, it comes up.

A sort of defence mechanism.

Now one thing I will say...

Just a bit of health and safety. It's ridiculous, really.

Could you just pop those goggles - on? - That's suspicious.

You're suspicious of our care for you?

These are like heavy-duty goggles, David.

So put the goggles on.

OK, I just thought we'd put up a tent. I was fine with that.

- This is horseshit. - Look, a lot of the post-apocalyptic age - will be horseshit. - OK.

I'm clasping a clipboard there. You can have a quick read of that.

Oh, my God."Identify tent inner and tent outer."

See, this is the part where I just call someone to do it.

"Unwrap the tent and lay out separate items on floor."

Can I have - a quick look at that? - Yeah.

HE GASPS

I don't need it. I can read IKEA maps.

Well, it's worrying that you call them "maps".

So you've got a maximum of 15 minutes.

I'm gonna start the time... now.

Ready, steady, go!

What's this?

You threw away the instructions, then you've gone, "What is this?"

"Unwrap the tent. Lay out separate items on the floor."

Shall we get David out of the way? That's very disrespectful.

And now he's thrown my shoes at me.

This is the tent. But is it the inner or the outer?

"Assemble tent poles."

Oh, look at that.

You get him comfortable. You wrap him in that. Keep him warm.

Going on the sleeping bag quite early, I must say.

That's the least important part. We can get to that later.

If you're trying to live in the outdoors,

a key thing you have to deal with is the weather,

cos outdoors is where the weather happens.

And, if we're thinking about a post-apocalyptic world,

you're gonna have to deal with the extreme weather

caused by man-made climate change.

So I want to see whether the tents the outsiders erect

will be able to withstand extreme weather conditions.

How can I see that? By providing the extreme weather conditions.

There's a storm coming in!

DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT

Oh!

No! Come on! That's not fair!

It's a stiff breeze at the moment!

Lost his hat.

It's not hat-wearing weather. It needs a chinstrap.

Sit on it! Sit on it!

Spoon him, spoon him! Spoon him! Very intimate.

It might be a two-screw.

- There we go. - There we go.

Shall I go round this way? OVERLAPPING SPEECH

I think you need to get a move on before the weather worsens!

Please!

Down!

Suddenly the duck thing doesn't seem too practical.

Oh, my God!

"Attach the tent inner poles by snapping onto the back attachment"!

That looks quite good. I think the wind helped them.

Sort of blew it up into shape.

Oh! I'm blowing away! I'm blowing away!

Yeah, that will have hurt my back, I think.

The pillow! The pillow!

PHIL:Grab the mat!

I think they could use this as part of an advert for hotels.

MUSIC: Ode To Joy by Beethoven

"Go to a hotel. It already has a roof."

I think it's clearing up!

The bed's in. Let's get him out of these wet clothes.

Support the head! Keep him comfortable!

It's all right, David. We'll get you a cheeseboard, mate.

That's the sleeping bag!

You want him - in the sleeping bag? - Yeah!

Just gonna get him in his pyjamas. Thank you.

Joe's quite interested in undressing him. I don't know.

Oh, really? He says that's what guys do.

Could you give me an extra minute?

- There we go. - There we go.

I think they've just given up.

They're just huddling together for warmth now.

This is how it will end.

I think he's having a lovely time.

- Have you stopped? - Yeah!

Yeah, that's it.

I'll do the other corner. I'll get the other one.

Now he's done.

- Yes. - Done.

Stop the clock! PHIL GROANS

That was easy, wasn't it, in the end?

OK. Let's have a look.

Well, I mean... You're welcome.

Sorry. Why am I holding a hammer?

Because... you're on holiday.

You've really stripped me. Seems unbeatable.

Look, I'm not gonna say I'm not impressed.

He's a fair man. Fair.

- Congratulations. - Thank you - very much. - Pleased to meet you.

- Er... No? - No, no. Sorry.

Goodness me. I think Joe's in love with me.

If anything, I think we might have done too well,

which is my worry.

That was a late scramble. I'm gonna have a look.

I mean, it's... Broadly it's there, I think.

At least one of my shoes is off.

You're relaxing. I look quite relaxed and comfy.

There was a point where I slightly blew across the countryside.

That's just part of the experience. But well done.

I never thought you'd get there.

I can't believe we pulled that together, to be honest.

It wasn't a great start when Fatiha crumpled up the instructions

and threw them over her shoulder.

We done it. That's the main thing.

But he's a bit of a dictator. He really is.

I'm gonna cut him down. Watch.

So you've finished, have you? Oh, yeah. With time to spare.

That's going nowhere. Look at that.

No-one is disputing that you have put some things on him.

I mean, you haven't put a tent up. That's all. A minor criticism.

But we'll discuss all this later.

- Thank you very much. - No worries. - And I'll see you later. - Cheers.

In my head, that went quite well.

That is a shit effort.

Did anybody get a tent up?

Nobody's got a tent up in that, have they?

This fire is good. It's not smoking anyone out.

No-one seems to touch it. It just seems to be going all the time.

It's like the Olympic flame. It never goes out.

- Does that never go out? - Maybe it does. As soon as I said it, I...

Cos that's really bad for the environment.

OK. Are you ready - for your next badge attempt? - Yes.

Well, in a dwindling society,

tinned foods might be the last food resources

to remain from civilisation.

To earn your cooking badge, you must prepare me a delicious meal

from a leftover stockpile of tinned food.

You have one hour.

You'll be judged on the tastiness of the meal

and also how well you present to me.

There's a catch.

This is an example - of the tinned food. - Oh!

The labels have rotted away or been eaten off by cockroaches.

They would have done.

What is it? Is it sweet or savoury?

Do you have to use whatever you open?

Can we go, "That's shit. Laters"?

If you end up opening every single tin and wasting it,

I'm not gonna think that's very good, so... you know.

Will you take points off if you get the runs?

It depends on the timescale.

If it was one of the more virulent forms of food poisoning that don't manifest for 24 hours,

ironically you'd probably - get the badge. - Cool.

How are you at cooking? I'm all right.

But usually I know what ingredients - I'm cooking with. - Right.

SHE GAGS

God, that's so dangerous!

Look at this! There we go. This is nice.

That's a lot of tins, Darren.

I'm thinking no good can ever come - of that, whatever's in there. - Yeah.

Tinned or canned food has quite a bad reputation.

But if we didn't have tinned food,

we couldn't have had the First World War, which would have been a shame,

because an army marches on its stomach.

One of the reasons Britain finally won the gruelling First World War

is that we were able to provide more tinned food

to those men living in trenches than the Germans could.

So I'm quite in favour of tinned food.

And actually, I think tinned peaches are much more reliable than fresh ones.

We've got herbs. That's parsley and coriander.

Shall we make a pizza?

Er, I don't know if you've seen the equipment here.

Yes, it's brutal.

The production team haven't even supplied a basic pizza oven.

Along with not supplying almost everything else.

OK, there's no tin opener. Genuinely, how do we open them?

I think we... find a rock or something.

How's that working for you? - I dented it. - OK.

This is gonna work. I'm so confident.

Can we grate it open?

Can we grate metal?

- Like, is there something there? - No.

Have you tried...? Opening it with your fingernails?

HE GIGGLES All right, Superman.

All right. SHE LAUGHS

- Oh, there we go. - You've done it? Something's coming out, yeah.

- That looks like dog food. - It's not. It's actually processed peas, which is lovely.

OK, I'm gonna keep trying like this.

I don't know how we're supposed to take... GRATING

Your moment now.

OK. So that's that one. How are you getting on with that one?

Agh!

Oh, dear.

Erm... I've lost a little bit of enthusiasm.

Oh! Oh! I've got in!

- Oh. - What is it? It's spaghetti hoops.

I'll open up the tuna and, with the basil, it'll be like a tuna...

That's disgusting. It's basically a Sicilian feast.

Oh, my God. The Italians are coming for you now, mate.

They're coming for you.

- I have had an idea. - Yes, Joe?

If we shot evaporated milk into his face, that's quite a sensation.

Are you saying that because of what just happened to you, to get your own back?

Pause for a sec. Have a few deep breaths. There you are.

Oh, hello!

- Big, big rock. - That'll do.

Oh, Darren, this is great! Well done!

I don't know what that is, though. What the hell is that?

They look disgusting. I'm gonna - sack them off. - OK, sack 'em off.

This is great to watch.

I think the big ones are harder to open.

- - Oh. - Oh, whoa! - Whoa!

It's got shit in it.

Shall I try it?

Do you mind?

- What the fuck is that? - OK. Good. HE SPITS

MAISIE GASPS What is that?! Oh, my God. I thought it was poo.

DARREN LAUGHS

Put... Yeah, I was gonna put a finger in.

It's not nice. Well, you know what we think?

See you later, alligator. Get out of my kitchen!

What do you want to do? JOE SCOFFS

I want David to eat that.

You DON'T want him to. I DO.OK, good.

Well, he can, then. JOE GROANS

Watch my cream trousers.

Squirting it everywhere, you messy little munchkin.

Maisie, I'm gonna be honest with you.

I love you to death, but you look like you've lost your shit.

- I've tried really hard. - I know. But your forehead looks like you've rubbed shit...

Have I still got a poo-y forehead? You've got a poo-y forehead, yeah.

Shall I put a flower in my hair? Would that...?

I mean, you can...

Has that polished the turd, - - as it were? - Yeah. - Right.

Outsiders, you have two minutes

until your time is up and I expect lunch to be served.

We've got two minutes! Quick! Two minutes!

SHE GASPS - Two minutes! - Finish that up.

We've used a lot of cans.

Maybe we can get rid of some of the unused cans.

Are you gonna drizzle? OK. Do it.

That's more of a splat, but I like it.

Where's the evidence bag?

That's it, that's it, that's it.

That's it, that's it. That's it.

Oh, my God. Men really don't listen. I've said "That's it" 25 times.

Oh, I thought you were saying it like, "That's nice. Keep going." SHE LAUGHS

Darren, can you just come round here and appreciate this?

Looks good. Looks very good. - It's artistic. - Very artistic.

- That was very easy, wasn't it? - Mm. Surprisingly effortless.

Congratulations. - Thank you. - Well done.

Hello, everyone.

What have you got - behind your ear there? - It's basil.

Yeah. I thought I'd make the effort cos we've got an important customer - in tonight. - Very specific effort.

Phil and Fatiha, would you like to present your...

HIGH-PITCHED: ..dish? THEY GIGGLE Sorry, my voice...

Bag of nerves. Bag of nerves. OTHERS LAUGH

I will say I'm a little nervous. David, we're all nervous.

- Hey, hey. - Go for it. Take your time. You've got - all the time in the world. - Hah!

It's going to be fine. This is pasta alla amore.

- - Oh, my God. - Oh, dear. - Shh!

What you're looking at there is pasta with pan-seared tuna...

...and what we think is an anchovy paste.

- Oh! - Looks too good to eat.

I'll give you £1,000 if you eat all of it.

Would you give me £10,000?

Yes. OTHERS GIGGLE

If you give me £10,000, I feel like I've kind of got to eat it.

No. I'm not going to do that. What a shame.

But I'm not a big fan of tuna.

Are you a fan of dark paste? Oh, my God.

HE SNIFFS

OK, stand back.

He may raise out of the chair.

Oh, 10,000 would have been a fucking snip.

OTHERS LAUGH

Erm, thank you very much. That certainly looks like food.

I think it's probably best you take it away and...

OTHERS LAUGH We'll put it in a box for you.

Next course in this tasting menu from hell.

BOTH:Welcome! Come in!

BOTH:This is the chef's visage!

Ah! I... Very good. Very good.

- That's a clear face there. - Yeah. I'm gonna give it a go.

Blood, sweat and tears - went into that. - Oh.

- No, Darren. - Sorry, sorry. That's what people say.

I'm gonna have a single hoop. Mustn't overface myself.

- Bit of pineapple? - Yes, let's go for - the whole nose. - Let your hair down. Let's go.

Well, that mouthful tasted overwhelmingly of pineapple.

HE LAUGHS Which I will settle for.

May I also just say, concept, creativity as well. We put a lot into it.

A little presentation there. You had a dance routine.

"Dance... routine.

"But don't hold that... against them."

OTHERS CHUCKLE

OK.Thank you. Enjoy. Come visit us again sometime.

Yeah, that was... lovely.

♪ Ta-dah! ♪

You have a gyratory of peaches,

punctuated with pages of basil,

a coriander envelope,

anchored with a single baked bean.

Splattered with shit.

HE LAUGHS

What I recommend is a bit of the peach...

Would you say avoid the shit? Avoid the shit, yeah. Yeah, avoid it like mad.

- That just works. - It works, - doesn't it? - That just works.

Peach and basil. It's quite nice. Holy shit, that works.

- - Quite nice. - Peach and basil. - Yes. Quite nice. Did you hear that?

- Well, thank you all. - Yes!

I've made my notes and will make my judgment later.

- - Thanks. - Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

What a lovely man.

Did anybody find a can opener?

- Did you? - We found it immediately.

We were just hitting a can against - a rock! - No, no. We found it.

That's why theirs was so neat! That's why we made a face out of hoops!

You've got to not rush in, guys. You've got to take your time.

Aw! There was a bloody can opener the whole time!

That's why theirs was so neat! - Look at my forehead! - I know!

I wondered why you were covered - in bits and bobs. - So. Many. Cans.

- - Oh! David! - Hello, David! - Hi, mate.

Are you ready for your next badge? - Yeah! - Oh, my gosh, yeah.

Even a post-apocalyptic world needs some sport.

Watching animals compete has been a popular form of entertainment for thousands of years.

- Agreed? - Agreed.

To earn your bug badge,

you must first find a bug - from around the campsite. - Ugh.

Your bugs will be competing - in a race. - Oh.

You must name and train your bug ready for the event.

Get people behind it and get people, you know...

I shouldn't say this, but betting a bit of money.

JESSICA:I don't approve.

No, it's not good, is it? Not betting. No. No betting. No, we must not advocate it at all.

If we do, we will lose the revenue of all of the bookmakers

who will buy advertising space in the breaks.

We front up, "Oh, don't gamble," but then cut to...

- ...ker-ching! - Ker-ching! Go for it! Yeah!

"When the fun stops, stop." The fun will never stop.

Right. I'm gonna leave you to it.

I know what the fastest bug is. - What is it? - It's a rabbit.

Erm, we might need to have a quick chat about what bugs are.

Maisie, do you like bugs?

I'm not great with bugs.

I don't think I'd want to pick up anything bigger than like a 5p.

Erm, what are you doing?

♪ I don't know

♪ I'm sweeping the forest floor. ♪

Let's look under something. OK. Under logs.

Hello. Oh, oh.

Ah, ah!

- Oh, er, no. No, nothing. - OK.

FATIHA:Oh! That's silver.

- Is it fast? - Yeah.

Knock. Knock on the door. Excuse me, Mr Fast Silver Bug.

Tell 'em it's the postcode lottery. They'll open up.

It's the postcode lottery of the forest and we've got good news.

- You've won! - They ain't having it.

We have to come up with something better. National Lottery, maybe.

Oh, here we go. Look at this.

Oh, wow! Wow, he's a beauty!

He's gone, he's gone, he's gone. Quick, quick, get him, get him...

- Get who? - Get him, get him, get him. Him, him, him. He's so fast.

Oh, look at the size of him. Shit. I can't get the lid off.

- Here's one. - What can I do to help? - Scream? - Just encouraging words.

What is that? What is that?

Oh, my God. You're gonna use your hands. You need a badge.

- Ugh! - Ooh, you're so brave.

If something bigger than a 10p suddenly comes by...

Ooh! That IS bigger than a 10p.

That's a dead moth, innit? It might suddenly flap, though.

We're not collecting dead creatures.

It might suddenly come alive and fly and win us the race.

I appreciate your optimism but...

Oh, my God! It is alive! - Oh! - I told you!

Look at the size of that! Look at the size of that!

I can't believe I just touched that with my hands.

You smashed that. Ugh, it's disgusting.

DAVID: With all the competitors stored in small plastic boxes...

- - What is it? - A winner. - Is there any way we can get it some steroids?

...just like at that Covid Olympics,

it's time for the preliminaries.

Let's see how they fare on the track.

Go.

OK, let's see how these guys go.

Oh, no. Them two are having sex. Look.

Oh, yeah, they're fucking. Stop it, you dirty...

It's like the Olympic Village. They just start banging before the races.

- - - Ready? - These athletes. - Go! - Go.

This is the winner already. Look at him go, actually.

He's the best. - He's racing ahead. - Yeah.

He's the one, he's the one. Usain Bug.

Shush, shush, shush. All right.

OK. Look at that. - Absolutely to shit. - Nothing.

Absolutely nothing. There's no guaran... Arghhhh!

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

- Calm down. - Oh, I didn't like that.

Can I go home? I don't want any part of this.

BOTH:Argh! OK, yeah.

- Oh! - Oh, what about THAT bug? Yesss!

It's almost like - he's Leroy from Fame. - Yeah.

Cos he didn't even... No. He's just stumbled in.

- He's unsure. - He's not on the list.

- He's not on the list. - Yes.

DARREN:What kind of insect is that?

It's like a beetle, isn't it? We could call him Leonard.

- Or Ringo. - Ringo! Ringo. He's a Ringo.

Never felt appreciated."Go, go, Ringo." That's our little chant.

Look at this. Ready?

Everything moves if you push it with a stick.

It's important to say no bugs were harmed during the making of this segment of the show.

It's important to say that

because otherwise various viewers will go spare.

Obviously we've all driven here,

killed God knows how many insects on the way.

Who knows what we're trampling underfoot?

But in the actual making of this bit about insects,

don't worry, none of them were harmed during that.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world if we had, but we didn't,

and the reason we didn't is so that you can't complain.

MAISIE:Oh, look at them sprinting.

Maybe this is the real race. We're saving our energy!

Shall we sprint - and overtake them? - Yeah.

- See you later, guys! - Suckers!

- Smashed it! That was great. - That was like something out of a movie.

We'll leave 'em waiting.

DAVID: Right. Hello. OTHERS:Hello.

What have you got? And what's their backstory first?

We have got a cockroach. - Cockroach. - Classic.

He's a big boy. Very, very post-apocalyptic.

Cockroaches,

they remind us of a certain drummer from a famous boyband.

Because they're... BOTH:..no-one's favourite.

♪ Go, go, Ringo

♪ He's our boyband star

♪ Go, go, Ringo

♪ We love you as you are

♪ Sex, drugs and rock and roll ♪ Eventually they take their toll

BOTH:# Go, go, Ringo

♪ He's our boyband star! ♪

- - Not bad, eh? - Well done. - Thank you.

I would clap but I'm holding a box.

I'm glad I'm holding my box.

That's great. Ringo the boyband star cockroach. Lovely.

Now, what do you have, Joe and - Jessica? - Leroy, who we found...

Oh, he's gone. What a shame.

No, he's just in the corner there.

Don't slide that into him.

Why we call him Leroy, he's one of the iconic outsiders.

Leroy from Fame,

who didn't even think he'd audition and ended up being a star.

Well, we're delighted to have his involvement.

What have you got there, Phil - and Fatiha? - We ain't got a song...

MAISIE SCOFFS

...but we've got a winner. Loggy the woodlouse.

He wasn't exactly born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

That would have killed him. It would've been too large, really.

But what he does have is natural athletic acumen

and good looks,

cos if there's one weakness our Loggy has, it's the ladies.

- I see. Bit of a character? - He is. Well, let's get on and race!

Welcome to bug racing.

It's just like the Grand National,

but with insects,

and without any competitors having to be put down when they fall.

We're about to start with these amazing bugs.

This is gonna be some of the best televised buggery you've ever seen.

Go faster!

- MAISIE:Go on! - PHIL:Come on, Loggy. The ladies are over here.

Oh. Look at Loggy.

Yes! Here we go! Look at him!

Oh, Ringo, stop... Ringo, don't...

Loggy...

Leroy! Come on, Leroy! Come on, Loggy!

He's doping!

This is the beginning of the rest of your life, Loggy.

Go on! Go on, Ringo! Yes!

Come on, Loggy!

I have to say, this has really put me in the mood for a cockfight.

Loggy's in the lead there.

Loggy's a long way in the lead and Loggy's gonna win.

- Loggy! - Where's Leroy?

That was... Sensational.

FATIHA LAUGHS

Well, congratulations to Loggy.

It looks like Leroy might be finishing,

but unfortunately we don't have time to check...

- He's coming! - Oh, he IS finishing!

Oh, no, he isn't. He was put off by our shouting.

THEY LAUGH Back to you in the studio.

At least we had a good jingle. We had a great jingle.

We're the jingle queens. Queens? Why amIa queen?

How are we feeling about camping?

Asian people are not meant to camp. We just don't camp.

Iwanted to say that. PHIL LAUGHS

Better coming from you. Yeah. I want to say it first.

I think you speak for all of us. THEY CHUCKLE

We're nearing the end of the first day

of my post-apocalyptic experiment.

Yeah! Suckers! We've raced bugs...

Loggy's a long way in the lead and Loggy's gonna win.

Yes! Here he is!

♪ Ta-dah! ♪

...seen food that made me wish I'd eaten the bugs...

Oh, my God.

Blood, sweat and tears - went into that. - Oh.

...and found out it's impossible to maintain an erection in a strong wind.

That looks quite good. Spoon him, spoon him! Spoon him!

Nobody's got a tent up in that, have they?

But which pair have done enough to get one of my coveted badges?

Hello, baby tent! Come to Daddy tent!

MAISIE:He's not in a good mood, I don't think.

Let's go to our fate. Come on.

JOE:We're walking into a sex cult, by the way.

Welcome, outsiders.

How has the first day after the end of civilisation been for you all?

I think we got the basics down. Basics down - tent, food, bug race.

OTHERS LAUGH

Right. The camping badge.

I have here some pictures of your camping efforts.

- Oh, Darren. - There we go.

Now, as we can see, there's a bit of contrast there.

So, Jess and Joe, that's your effort there.

Very, very competent, I think.

This one, Phil and Fatiha.

Again, that's clear tent over my head.

Now, this is Darren and Maisie's effort.

But what you've got to focus on is how loved that David felt.

- We spooned him. - We spooned him. We pinned him to the ground. In a nice way.

He was doubly sp... Yeah, - pinned him in a fun way. - Yeah.

One thing you haven't done is put up a tent.

OTHERS LAUGH

But, no, I absolutely agree with you,

you showed a lot of love for dummy David.

But the trouble with your love and care is you left me without a tent over my head in the wild.

Your love was the love - of a dysfunctional parent. - Yeah.

Do you think the rain would have bothered you if you felt so loved?

Hm. Yes.

Ah. OK.

Phil and Fatiha, your approach was interesting.

45 seconds before the end,

yours pretty much looked like Maisie and Darren's.

We did not think we were going to - get it together, to be honest. - No.

Cos Fatiha had picked a sail to wear.

Lucky I'm well anchored.

He'd have spent the day fetching you down from a tree.

Now, Joe and Jess. - Great tent work. - Thank you.

Not a lot of love, though, - - for dummy David. - What?! - Oh, dear.

Joe was throwing - the David around. - I was.

Put a bed on top of the David.

- I was in a foul mood. - Wow.

You stripped the David. I did. That was the only thing that cheered me up, if I'm honest.

David will have woken up naked with a hammer in his hand.

Yeah. A thank-you wouldn't hurt. HE LAUGHS

And that's wrong, right? That's wrong.

Well, we're now going to the stats part.

Phil and Fatiha, you took 11 minutes 59 seconds.

- Hey, that's pretty good. - Which, I'm - afraid to say, is the longest. - Oh.

Darren and Maisie, eight minutes.

Because... And this is what you have to understand, other teams.

At that point, they declared the job done. They said that's it.

So you didn't run out of time? OTHERS LAUGH No, we said, "Stop the clock."

Do not gild the lily. We know our skill set.

Joe and Jess, the number here beggars belief.

- Four minutes 40 seconds. - Wow!

I have to award the badge to Joe and Jessica.

Thank you, guys.

There we go. The first badge of the - series. - First badge on the board!

Next up, the bug-racing badge.

What do you feel, all of you, about this as an entertainment spectacle?

I was genuinely surprised how entertained I was by it.

I loved it. I'll be honest with you, David. This was my least favourite one.

What would you do differently - next time? - Pick a different bug.

- We had three. - Originally I picked Ringo out of the wood

because I thought he was a piece of bark.

A piece of bark would have done - better. - It would have done better.

Cos Ringo went backwards. - Ringo reversed. - A piece of bark would at least have stayed still.

The winner was very clear. - It was Loggy. - OK.

He had time to run down the course.

In fact, he came back, had a chat with Leroy...

Either a lap of honour - or he was taking the piss. - It's not sportsmanlike. Have a word.

Don't talk about my son like that. I'll start throwing hands, yeah?

Throwing hands? Does that mean - - fighting? - Yeah. - Oh, God.

I am so up for watching a fight.

So fundamentally you think boxing is better entertainment than bug - racing. - Let's at least try it.

Even if you refer to the bug racing, as I did earlier,

to zero amusement from you, as buggery?

I laughed, David. I laughed. Cos I love the word "buggery".

I'm giving you two the bug-racing badge.

OTHERS CLAP

There we go. Look at that. JOE:That's a really nice badge.

Now, finally, the cooking badge.

First of all, did none of you use the tin opener?

- Yeah, of course. - We didn't know about this tin opener.

We... We didn't know. - He knows we didn't. - We used it.

There were no tin openers available. - What?! - There were no tin openers!

We were just messing with you. A classic lie chain so early in your civilisation!

- No! - I don't know who to trust!

- I'm so proud. - Wow, wow, wow, wow.

I don't know who to trust.

Now let us have a look at your efforts. I've got my pointer.

So there we can see all three of your foods.

What do you think of each other's efforts?

PHIL:I think Joe and Jessica's salad is very pleasing to the eye,

but there was no cooking involved,

and do remember there was a single - baked bean in the middle. - Yeah.

- JOE:I stand by all that. - Where was - YOUR single baked bean? - Yeah.

We didn't open - a tin of baked beans. - And it was - on an envelope of coriander. - Yeah.

Envelope of cori... Listen to yourself.

I hate myself right now.

Now, the face.

I think that's a great presentation technique for five-year-olds.

But in this post-apocalyptic era we may descend into cannibalism,

in which case depicting a face as a food is deeply offensive.

- I agree. - But you don't eat the face in cannibalism.

- It's like a langoustine. - I've had - pig cheeks. - I'd eat the arse first.

I believe in nose-to-tail eating when it comes to cannibalism. Definitely.

I'm gonna say, "I fancy another arse. Let's kill the vicar."

Would you make stock out of the bones?

I think I would make stock out of the bones and enjoy the soup.

You also opened the greatest number of tins.

You opened 12 tins... JOE:Ah, beautiful.

...used only three... PHIL:Wasteful.

...and also, I believe, tried to hide some of the tins you'd opened in the bushes.

No, we were gonna go back and wash them out to re-use them and...

- For what? - Erm...

Yeah, but it would've helped us if we had a tin opener.

So what we had to do was thrash...

- Unlike anyone else. - No, nobody else - had one. - No-one had a tin opener.

THEY LAUGH

Phil and Fatiha, your effort was more grown-up.

And you opened four tins, used three.

The dish you served me, I could imagine being served something like that in a...

Cafe. In a cheap cafe. PHIL:No!

- Perfectly reasonable. - Yow!

- Looked absolutely fine. - Great.

Unfortunately, it was one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten.

Did you get a taste of the anchovy paste?

I got a taste of the anchovy paste,

and it wasn't even the worst thing on the plate.

OTHERS LAUGH

Joe and Jessica, yours looked nice. JOE:Thank you.

You opened five tins, used four.

I would say the splat of shit was a nice conversation point...

Thank you... but it was discrete, so it was avoidable.

- Perfection? - Basically, what it was was tinned peaches, which are nice.

On that note, I'm awarding the badge

to Joe and Jess. This is fantastic.

OTHERS CLAP This is embarrassing.

Speech! Speech!

Why did they get that? - I'm confused. - Speech!

They got that because their food was much nicer than yours or yours.

You said when you tried it you really liked it.

You shouldn't say things if you don't mean them, David.

You feel that there has been injustice done to you, don't you? It does feel like that.

Well, that's what it's gonna be like in the apocalypse.

- Justice is over. - Hurray!

Fickle fate is your master now,

and I am the personification of fickle fate.

- We've been too nice. - I look forward - to your being mean. - Yeah, well...

Cannibalism's next. ...get ready for it.

- I'm eating arse. - He's ready to eat - some arse. - I'm eating some arses.

- Tomorrow we eat arse. - Hurrah!

At the end of today, Joe and Jess have two badges.

Phil and Fatiha have one.

Nothing yet for Maisie and Darren.

Sleep tight. Don't let the bugs bite.

I only say that because we haven't managed to find all of them.

Night-night. ALL:Bye!

Expect a very different Darren - and Maisie tomorrow. - You betcha.

Is it gonna be with no singing? Cos I'm looking forward to it.

To earn your education badge,

you will need to create new subjects.

I can't work. They're savages. Mr Wilkinson...

...is having quite a lot of - personal issues. - Nonsense.

Aren't they like Renaissance re-enactment actors?

You must compose a short, showy piece of music

to herald my arrival in camp each morning.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media