Original subtitles

The great outdoors.

Picturesque, peaceful, unspoiled.

Well, it's not for me. It's all very pleasant viewed through a gastropub window,

but without the buildings, it gets disgusting very quickly.

Just look at Glastonbury.

Still, some people love it, and I'm challenging six comedians

to prove that they can survive it.

For the next week, this forest will be their home.

Nettles! Neighbour. Hello.

Each day they'll be working in pairs...

I've never been camping before. The closest I've come to roughing it is buying own-brand ketchup.

...learning vital skills...

I'll be honest with you, David, they're more comfy than heels.

You can go a bit Apocalypse Now in there.

...and competing for badges...

They'll come back, and we'll absolutely obliterate them.

Will they be equipped to survive post-apocalypse?

I've got 20 condoms and a bottle of tequila, so yes, I've got the right gear.

I'm already missing the sound of the city.

Where's all the car horns?

Will they crumble under the pressure?

Jamali. I'm pregnant.

I was in the Brownies, but I got kicked out for wetting myself.

So the whole environment could be quite triggering for me, really.

Or will they be naturals?

The guy who taught Bear Grylls how to survive, and I taught him.

Oh, God. It really is easy to cut your leg off.

Comedians wouldn't know one end of an axe from the other,

which for axes I believe is absolutely key.

Personally, I don't think they'll last ten minutes without ordering a pizza.

And each evening I'll summon them to my HQ...

Please approach The Temple of Doubt.

...to give them my verdict.

I think you did the job, you get the badge.

Yes! Yes!

Welcome to Outsiders.

Could someone please refresh my handwarmers?

Ah-ha!

It's day five, and I couldn't decide between one pillow or two,

as a result of which I've got a bit of a cricked neck this morning.

Last time saw all the teams take two badges each,

which means that Ed and Lou have six badges,

but the other two teams have eight.

Will one of them triumph, or will it be a draw?

I hope it's not a draw. That would be shit.

The unfortunate thing about camping

is the bodily weather conditions inside the tent.

Are you trying to tell me that you've shat yourself?

All I can say is, I'm really glad we're in separate tents.

On that note, I'm going to let some air in. Better out than in.

Hi, David. Sorry, good morning.

Morning.

The next badge is the sensory deprivation badge in which

the teams have to prove their nocturnal navigational skills.

Here's the scenario. A storm has struck at night, the teams' tents

have been flattened, so they must pack up their tents,

and find their way to the safety of another tent that's just over there.

In a post-apocalyptic night storm, when torches are a thing of the past,

their only hope is working together.

Can they do it? If they can, they get a badge.

And in the real world, if they can, maybe they would live

rather than die.

OK, I would like you to get into your tents.

Let's watch you wobble around like pensioners.

Oh, look at old Ed.

Now, don't destroy the tent before Storm David destroys it.

Ed, are you in your tent? I think I'm in my tent, Lou.

I'm in my tent too. Well done.

Please enter your tents, and await the storm.

Or actually, strictly speaking, you should be not expecting the storm.

Please lie there unsuspecting.

OK, I've got it.

One second. Oh, actually, Jamali, brilliant.

You've done Storm David's work for me there.

So...

here we go.

HE IMITATES STORM It's horrible! Climate change.

Angry owls! Whoo!

OK, off you go.

Pack up your tents. Find your way to safety.

Oh, God. We need to work together. You can't be a lone wolf on this.

Right, I'm out, Kerry. Are you out? I'm out.

We've got take the whole of the tent?

The whole of the tent, like we're back in little pigs territory.

You're the straw pigs, and you're going over to the twig pigs' house.

Right, I've got the tent somehow, but where's the bag?

The bag should be on the floor somewhere.

Got my tent in a bundle in my hands.

Oh, wow, you're way more... And I'm stuffing it into the rucksack.

Your camping experience is definitely showing now.

OK, I've got everything. This is actually surprisingly easy.

Well, can you come and help me, then?

Normally, I'd roll and fold, Jamali. I'm just like...

It's storm conditions. I'm just doing it hard and fast.

Oh, yeah?

I'm not sure where the bag is. Oh, that's bad.

That is not ideal. OK, I might leave you behind.

Save yourself, Kerry.

In this apocalypse, I don't really want to be standing in the rain all day,

so I've provided a rope to speed up their route to safety.

But they've got to find it first.

OK.

There's a degree of humiliation with these tasks.

I can't feel a single tree.

Where are the trees? We're in a wood!

Do we have to hold hands? Can't we hold each other's arms?

No, we have to hold hands. It's better.

I really don't like holding hands...

Can you put your arm out? My arm is out, actually.

Look for the rope. I AM looking for the rope.

What am I? What are you? Yeah, like...

Human. How disorientated are you?!

OK, Lou... Yeah? What you've done, in a way I hope we've got on camera,

is you managed to duck under the rope.

Hands forward. Oh, I've got something.

You've got the rope? Yes. There is a rope here.

I can't feel... Where's your hand? That's my boob. Sorry.

That was totally... Sorry.

Remember, to get to the safety of the tent,

you must stick together along the rope course.

So, I'll hold the rope, you hold my hand.

All right. Jamali, this is so romantic.

Have you ever been blindfolded before? Uh...!

For leisure?

Guys, I'm just going to intervene for a second.

You've found the rope, which is brilliant,

and you've worked your way along it back to the beginning.

Where does it go? Well, it goes down.

Go down? No, but then I don't know where it goes from there.

This is wrapped. I do need to let go of your hand. Thank God.

Let Mummy see. No, no, Mummy can't see.

Mummy's got a blindfold on.

Oh, there's one here. OK, lead, lead...

It's just here, down here. Ouch!

Sorry. CUCKOO CALLS

Hello? Cuckoo.

Follow the cuckoo.

Are we getting any nearer this other tent?

I think so. God, this feels a bit dangerous, actually.

Go on, just do it. Just jump over.

No, I'm scared. We don't know what's down there.

Can I go first, so I can just leap over it?

OK, I'm climbing over a tree blindfolded.

I feel like this is a health and safety nightmare.

Is it just a step? It's literally just a step.

OK! There you go.

HE BURPS Sorry, I panicked.

So, follow the smell of my burp, Lou.

OK, thanks, Ed.

Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Come the way I'm pulling you. So you don't fall over.

And then, like, spin out.

There. We were dancing then. We were not!

Agghh! I'm imagining at the moment I'm approximately 80ft off the ground.

This feels dangerous.

Are you all right, Lou?

Lou? SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

I can't believe you said we're fucking dancing. We did.

We did not dance. Yes, we did. You just span me round.

No, I was spinning you round to catch the rope. We did not dance.

It was like Strictly.

I'm going to try and step down. I've got my hood up.

Oh, wow, Lou, we're literally 30cm off the ground.

Do you think we're going to look very cool in this footage?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God, I think we're here! Done it?

Shelter!

Kerry, we've made it. Ah!

Yes! Is it a tent each? It's not a tent each.

Oh, wow. This has really taken a turn for the sultry.

Big note from the channel came in last night.

Three words. Make them fuck.

I knew there'd be a Carry On Camping vibe.

Oh, my God!

There's a dummy in here.

It's a threesome now, is it?

Can you please... Can you please, um...

We have to kill that person.

He's dead. I dispatched him.

Jamali! I cracked his neck.

I can't believe you just did that. So romantic.

OK.

Oh, my God, Jamali!

LAUGHTER

Can you push my backpack down so I can get in the tent?

Is that helpful? No, I think the whole tent's about to come down.

Loulie, get it.

SHE LAUGHS

THEY BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

And that's camping.

Stop the clock! OK, you may remove your blindfolds.

Wow, that's an experience. Yeah.

Did you enjoy it? I felt like I was being chased by a giggling psychopath.

Through the woods.

Who was that chasing us? Oh, I don't know...

I thought you made very steady progress.

And now, in fact, a storm's coming in.

See you later, David. See you later.

Bye.

It's raining! When in Rome... So we're now in shelter. Yeah.

All right, guys, you may now remove your blindfolds,

and return into the now, as you say, quite poor weather.

It's remarkable how you don't put your hands in front of you even when you should.

Just going like this is fine, yeah.

I once did that with a Tube train doors when I was quite drunk.

Head-first. You know, the Tube... you think...

"Oh, I'm missing my stop, I'm missing my stop!

I'd better wedge it with something."

And I just popped my head there.

Fortunately, there was someone with me. Robert Webb, in fact.

Maybe late '96. When we could all do stupid things unrecorded.

Jamali, I'm pregnant.

HE LAUGHS

Excellent consistency in terms of your survival attitude.

That's the second time you've killed an incarnation of me.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

He's fucking dead!

It is an interesting technique to keep murdering the man who decides whether or not you get a badge.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, was it you?

It was just as enjoyable as the first time.

How was it? Did you find your other senses came alive?

I really enjoyed that.

I just feel like we've really bonded now.

Haven't we? Do you feel like you've really bonded?

Do you feel like we've bonded? Is there an option to switch teams?

Jamali, you're contractually obliged to stay with me now.

As I say to my husband.

To earn your hunting badge, you must successfully hit a moving target.

Jamali, do not hide behind me.

Let the hunt begin.

SCREAMING

You hit? Yeah.

Hello, everyone. Hello, David.

In order to endure the extreme conditions of a survival situation,

you must learn to hunt and gather.

To earn your hunting badge,

you must successfully hit a moving target.

You will all get the same number of bullets, and the highest number of hits wins.

Anyone got any hunting experiences?

I've been fishing. I've been fishing.

It's horrible, isn't it? As a child, I've killed a trout.

Killed a lobster. How did you kill it?

So I went with putting it in a cold pan, and turning up the heat slowly

so it fell asleep and then died.

Very interesting, because when I was four years old

my parents - we were on holiday in France in a static caravan -

and they did exactly what you did.

It did not fall asleep. No. It went in there...

It was pleased. Water.

Then it started to get warmer. Oh, dear me.

As the temperature elevated, the lobster did what you and I would do,

which is freak out.

And I remember as a four-year-old, seeing this monster

with claws trying to escape the steaming water,

and as it felt to me, get me,

and it was quite traumatising,

although I'm ashamed I just feared the lobster, I didn't pity it.

A weird story. It started kind of posh. "We was on holiday in France."

Then it went to not posh caravan. Then lobster. Posh again.

Yeah, it's all over the place. That's me. I'm a person of nuance.

You're a bunch of savages, although I did waterboard a mouse once.

It was a mistake, so...

Well, I hope today...

today, unlike the day... the sad day for the mouse and Lou,

no-one will get hurt, and we'll be able

to judge whether, should you need to kill,

whether you'd be able to.

Yeah. OK. Ready, everyone?

Yeah.

Go and... destroy.

I've got some questions about this mouse, Lou. Are we going in a line?

Yes, I think so. Please conga away.

Jamali, come on. Come on, Jamali. Join in!

No-one is going to think badly of you for joining in and having a laugh.

In this badge, the comedians will be tested on their marksmanship.

Their prey will run 300 yards

from point A to point B, and then back again.

To win a badge, they must successfully hit their moving targets.

To make things more interesting,

the prey will be their fellow comedians dressed as some of the world's most delicious animals.

Apart from Jamali.

Where's yours? I'm not doing this.

I'm not... I don't dress up.

Well... OK.

Looks good on you, though. Yeah?

Can you see? Not very well.

The strength of a wolf, please.

The roar... Pride of a lion.

Aw, that's perfect.

I mean, by perfect, we both can't see, right? Yeah.

Remember, we're the alpha king and queen.

Don't alphas just leave each other... Just hump each other.

Better get on your back.

Good luck, Kerry. Thank you very much.

I'm Rudolph!

Why would anyone shoot Rudolph?!

First up, Ed and Lou will be hunting Jess and Jamali.

OK, are you ready to hunt? Yeah, shoot to kill. Ready.

Your prey are a giant rabbit and a normal-sized person.

They're going to run back and forth.

The more times you hit them with paintballs,

the better at hunting I will decide you are, the more likely you are to get a badge.

Is this how you hold a gun?

Do I go like that? Uh, I wouldn't,

but I would also get your hand off the trigger now.

Do not hide behind me. I'm not going to.

I should hide behind you. You're bigger. No, no, no, no, no. Jamali...

Absolutely not.

God, I'm actually genuinely quite nervous.

I can't believe you're just sending me out there like bait.

OK, I'm going to count you in. Three, two, one...

Go! Agghhh!

SHE CONTINUES TO SCREAM

FIRING

Whoooooo!

FIRING CONTINUES

SCREAMING

You're hit? Yeah!

Did you hurt? Did you hurt?!

Was that me? Coo-ee, did you hurt?

Get ready, because they're going to come back, and we're going to absolutely obliterate them.

Coo-ee, could you come back, please?

Three, two...

Run! Go!

Jamali! Oh, my God, Jamali!

You've hung me out to dry!

FIRING

Ouch, fucking hell! I got one.

Definitely...

Ha ha ha ha!

Fuck!

I can't see, Jamali!

I can't see. Don't shoot.

Were you orange? Yeah. I think you got loads.

One on his bum, no harm done, Ed.

Well, as you can see there, there is a trained lion and a wolf,

played by Lou and Ed.

Really harsh? What, hunting? I thought this was a camping programme. I thought I'd be camping.

Yeah, and killing wildlife.

You have to have protein.

What are we waiting for?

Now, OK, so I'm going to count you in.

Three, two, one...

Let the hunt begin.

Let's not kill the animals. Don't kill the animals.

I am a vegetarian.

Run free, animals. I'm not going to shoot you. I'm shooting up in the air.

Run free.

FIRING

Go. I can't kill you. Go, quick.

Don't be scared. We're not going to hurt you.

We didn't get them once. Didn't get them once.

I got loads on that tree. I'm the yellow one. That's me.

Oh!

You were not the yellow one!

That was, on their part, pathetic.

Good luck, Kerry. Thank you very much.

I'm just going to make it over as quick as possible.

Hang on, they're all falling out. That's no good.

My ammo. You want that to be splattered against Toussaint's arse.

Yes, I do. That's what that's for.

SHE SIGHS I'm glad somebody else said it.

Don't be scared. That's what they want. They want you to run.

I am scared. Oh, I'm going to sneeze.

Jamali is actually going to mark us.

Are you ready? Yeah! The more times you hit them the better.

Do your best. Three, two...

...one, kill!

OK.

LAUGHTER

SHE SHOUTS HYSTERICALLY

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry.

OUCH!

SHE SCREAMS

Sorry. Sorry.

I come in peace.

Mate... Don't shoot.

I'm a pacifist. Oh, I know.

I'm sorry, but pacifism's not working round here, Toussaint.

I think I just got his balls. I hit him in the dick.

I'll go back. Kerry's coming back now.

Go back!

SHE SCREAMS

Ouch, ouch, ouch!

SCREAMS

This is absolutely horrible.

Peace and love.

Sorry, Toussaint. There's no peace in the... in the forest.

I didn't enjoy that at all.

Did you get hit? Yeah, I got marked.

I got hit quite a lot.

One hit me on the arse. Stings like fuck!

We hit Toussaint a thousand times. That was outrageous.

Awful. Awful bloody business, war, isn't it?

HE LAUGHS

Got to come up with a religion. A deity.

Let's make it Lou. We don't chat for one minute, and make Lou a god.

ALL SQUAWK

Who wouldn't love doing that?!

Welcome. Hello. Hello. I've brought you to this strange bit of the forest.

And this is a badge that you're all going to work on together.

Ooh! Big team thing, here comes the laminate.

The vast majority of human societies have a religion.

It can help a community navigate tough times.

To earn your camp deity badge,

you must choose a camp deity,

and the rituals you would enforce in your newly built society.

You must create a religious holiday, and explain what you will do to gain followers.

So, basically, you've got to come up with a religion,

a deity, or deities.

What do you reckon? Any initial thoughts?

Something fun, you know, like Bacchus.

What's Bacchus? Bacchus was, like, the god of wine.

Yeah. Wine guy. He seemed like he was always having a good time in the paintings, you know what I mean?

Something with no hell. No hell?

No consequences to your actions. That'd get people.

How do you feel about polyamory?

I'm fine with that.

Guys...

Some nice, positive ideas coming through already.

Something with sleeping. Something a bit like sleeping.

Something a bit like Bacchus, something with no hell. Polyamory.

Mormons. We could all be Mormons.

Kerry, we're not picking one that exists. We create our own.

We could model it on Mormons. No, no, no.

Let's create one from scratch. Could have Mormons, and mix Mormons and Bacchus.

And no hell. How about we come up with the religion, and Kerry's a Mormon?

I want to be a Mormon. Maybe you're going to invent a religion,

and it's going to split before you even get to pitch it to me.

Those who want to have sex with Jamali, and those who don't.

There's going to be a lot of people in my party.

I'm going to leave you to deliberate.

And I want you to pitch your religion to me this evening.

You'll get a badge if I like it, and maybe I'll become your first follower.

Are you ready to start your deliberations? Yes. Brilliant.

I'll see you later. Thank you, David.

Bye. Is there any chance...?

Where are you going? Going to the toilet...

I find religion fascinating. I'm not religious, but I'm not an atheist.

I'm a sort of agnostic. I WISH I totally believed in a god.

I sort hope for a God, it would be really comforting.

I want that solace at the moment of expiring.

Almost all human societies have had that.

That's how we get through all the shit.

I'd think in a post-apocalyptic society where you're suddenly living

in a wood, and your iPhone is just something you can crack a nut with,

then you're going to need something other to cling to,

and you're going to have to find a way to believe in it.

It would be quite easy, wouldn't it, to make one of us into a deity?

Oh, my God, are we basing it on me?

No, I don't think that came up.

We can. That's what I heard everyone say.

Let's make it Lou. We could dress you up with all the gear.

And then sort of... I can't believe you're falling for this.

But what's the alternative, Ed?! Literally anything else, Kerry.

Give me an alternative. We don't chat for one minute, and make Lou a god.

Religion used to be based around things that people needed to happen.

Like, fertility. Yeah.

I love the way you...

Um, no, like, harvesting...

What do we need? What about something the opposite of that?

There's too many people, so what about, like, a condom god.

A Johnny god. Johnny god.

Johnny GOD. But if we do it as Dr Goodtimes,

the Johnnies can be a part of that.

Who's Dr Goodtimes? Who's that?

Yeah, Lou, what you've done there is you've had eight thoughts in your head,

and then told us the end of them.

Who's Dr Goodtimes? Like, the God of good times, because everyone needs to have fun.

Why are they a doctor if they're a god?

Because they're so good at good times, they got a diploma.

We do need good times.

I like Dr Goodtimes. Dr Goodtimes is a good name for a deity.

OK, so... The twist is she's a woman. And a doctor!

What I'm looking for is a coherent belief system

that offers you something, so it's all very well they say Bacchus,

"Great, let's get pissed and everything".

If it seems to be too good to be true, people won't buy it.

Whereas the big religions, they have reward, they have threat.

Jeopardy and opportunity.

Like a good sitcom, and that's what they need to deliver,

and I want something that will...

that will give me faith, that's the key thing.

Faith is powerful, and it's comforting, like a duvet that lasts forever.

Maybe, on the holy festival days,

you go and see the priest, or whoever's representing Dr Goodtimes,

and you get a prescription for a certain good time.

That's lovely. And is there compliments coming out of his butt again?

I'm fully on-board with compliments coming out of our deity's bum. Yeah.

Like, you go and see the deity, and she's like,

"Here we go." She wiggles, and it comes out like an egg.

Ooh, that's sick. Comes out like an egg. Eggs are always good in religion.

They represent fertility. Yeah.

There was a witch called Elizabeth Bateman

in Yorkshire that used to pretend she was a Yorkshire pudding!

Was she was a witch, or was she just a feminist?

Did you go to school with her?

Eggs used to come out of the chicken that she had,

and they used to have prophesies on them.

But obviously, she was writing on the eggs, and shoving them back up the chicken.

I just wonder if maybe this is a chicken god...?

What if we build a nest, and that's kind of what people pray to,

and like - And then... Because then the holiday can be egg related.

Place of worship is in a tree.

Where chickens live. Up a tree.

And where do people go to worship? Jerusalem.

Right.

Or Lewisham. Or Lewisham.

I like Lewisham better. It's very unpractical.

No, you can get there on Docklands now.

We need to recruit David to our religion.

Everyone likes compliments. That's how you get followers.

You know you're going to get a compliment.

Dr Goodtimes prescribes a good time with the egg

that comes out the chicken's cloaca.

What did you say? Croaca? Cloaca.

Is that the actual name for a chicken's - It's just got one hole for everything.

Really? I can't believe you know chicken anatomy. How do you know that?

I fuck a lot of chickens.

Yes, Ed!

It's just clean and simple, right?

It's a chicken that lays an egg with a compliment on it called Dr Goodtimes.

Yeah. You all worship at your own personal nest.

Yep.

That's a god I can get on-board with. Eggs, all right.

Lou, can you remember all that for pitching to David?

LAUGHTER

The teams will be trying to recruit me to their religion

later on this evening.

Would anyone like some red wine? Yes, please.

Yes, for the love of God, please.

I've got paintball in my hiking boot.

And it looks like diarrhoea shit.

It did make me feel like an animal. Dressed as a rabbit?

Dressed as a rabbit, then. Now you know how they feel, don't you?

Tomorrow, it's just the drink your own piss badge.

Yeah. Have you ever done that? No.

I look like the sort that would, don't I? You do, yeah.

Hello, I'm Louise, and I drink my own urine.

For a badge, which one would drink your own piss?

Again, I'll... At this stage, I'd do that for a badge.

I wouldn't, actually. You need all the help you can get.

We're only two behind, all right? Well, we're definitely not going to get the hunting badge.

You definitely will. Only one glug away from a badge.

OK, best experiences, if you could.

I've had a great experience filming this show.

The best experience for me has been getting to know you guys.

ALL: Aw!

That's what camping does. Psych.

I really liked when they gave us that knife. That was pretty fun.

Different reactions.

I do like this bit.

I like it when we all get to be together. As much as I love being with my man...

Yeah. I do like it when we get time to just chill out.

Night time is nice. Yeah, night time is nice. What, when it's quiet?

When you're asleep! When you're asleep.

She's sleeping, and there's like a moment... That's when you really come to life.

Yeah. It's when I start looking everyone in their eyes again.

There's like a moment I can hear her sleeping, and it goes...

INHALES

And it's like, no breath out, and I go...

There's not even a word. If she breathes out again, I get sad again.

I have to say, Jamali,

it's been a real rollercoaster in terms of my self-esteem.

But I KNOW that you love me really, now.

We still have to sell our religion tonight. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. So he was a chicken that is a woman

that shits out compliments from its arse that are on eggs.

When we do the ritual of that, and squat down,

are we saying squat over a mirror, and check your giblets?

JIB-lets. Or are we not?

You said that, and obviously we all think, "No, we're not saying that."

But regardless of what we say now, that's going to come out of your mouth.

I'm going to stop myself. OK, you're not.

You never stop yourself. You won't stop yourself!

This is one thing I've learned about you, Lou.

Earlier in the day you say things, and we both agree you shouldn't say them.

Then it's the first thing you say when we get in there.

This is definitely how religion happened.

People shouting by a fire. It was just a bunch of absolute pricks round the campfire

just riffing, saying shit, coming up with rules.

I think we're finished.

We've nailed that. SQUAWKS

Teams? You need to give me a reason to believe.

Have you ever done paintballing? No.

It really hurts. Well, that's why I haven't done it.

The whole thing just reminded you of all the stag dos you've said no to.

The sun is setting on the penultimate day in the woods.

Today the teams have taken the phrase the blind leading the blind

to its extreme...

He's dead. I dispatched him. Wow.

...discovered their inner warrior...

We're not going to hurt you. That was pathetic.

...and made up an entire religion in about 20 minutes.

It's a chicken that lays an egg with a compliment on it.

It's just clean and simple, right?

But did they do enough to win a coveted badge?

Team? Will you please stop hanging around there, and start hanging around here?

Hey! Welcome, Outsiders.

If you're having half as much fun as you look like you're having,

then we've invented a whole new level of unhappiness.

There's only one day to go. Kerry and Toussaint, you're on eight badges.

Joint lead. How does that feel? Me and Kerry are kind of like the guacamole of the group.

We're better than we look. I said it would be great if,

at the end, we could have the badges on, like, a sachet.

And then Kerry pointed out that that was a packet of sauce.

Yeah. You could fit ours on a sachet.

Right, now it's time to pass judgement, and see which pairing

wins which badges, and we're going to start

with the big team joint one.

The Camp Deity badge.

Shall I kick off, and I'm going to come...

So, we think religions at the moment,

David, are a bit doom and gloom, aren't they?

There's too much negativity in them, and in the wild,

when we've lost society, we need positivity.

So may I present... They're not going to come out.

Our deity...

♪ D-R-G-O-O ♪

Look, so we've not planned any of that.

I said, "I'm going to announce it, and then I'll come to each of you."

Lou was like, "I'll be quiet, because I'm not in tonight's bit."

And then she did a song.

D-R-G-O-O... Dr-goo.

Dr Goo... So, it's not Dr Goo.

Can you see why some of my enthusiasm has slightly ebbed away

over the course of the last five days?

You can't suddenly sing Dr Goo!

That's not helpful.

Ed, there is an iciness to your smile now.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's like an archbishop who's seen a junior deacon doing a poo.

OK, OK, sorry. I was trying to help.

OK, carry on, Ed. The name of the deity is Dr Goodtimes.

Dr Goodtimes is a chicken.

OK. Dr Goodtimes lays eggs.

And you crack the egg, and you get a compliment.

The thing is about Dr Goodtimes and the religion surrounding Dr Goodtimes

is there's no hell.

So we've got a compliment instead.

Crack that open, there'll be a compliment inside for you.

And there we go. "Your passion motivates us."

That's nice. Thank you very much.

What a lovely thing to receive. When someone cracks an egg, and receives a compliment...

We give thanks to the compliment with our ritual...

ALL SQUAWK

That was superb. Could you do it again, please? Yeah.

ALL SQUAWK

Who wouldn't love doing that? It is fun.

It is. Do you want to try it?

You should try it, yeah. He's following.

So, you've got to hold it up like... It's a beak, it's a beak.

When you descend, you let out a nice little primal...(SQUAWKS).

OK. ALL SQUAWK

DAVID CLUCKS

You added an extra. SQUAWKS

I feel I could lay my own compliment when I do that.

You'll need to ascend a few levels through the religion. OK.

It's got a slightly slut drop vibe to it. Yeah, I really give it some slut drop.

A slut drop? Lou, tell him what a slut drop is!

Ask your mum.

Mother...

Mother, what's a...

What is a slut drop?

No, right, so Dr Goodtimes.

Goodtimes, yeah. The hen that lays eggs with compliments on it.

That's your deity. The place of worship? Lewisham.

If you think about it, it sounds like Jerusalem.

Jamali suggested Jerusalem, and quick as a flash, Kerry said Lewisham.

And the national holiday is every day.

But if you don't want to do every day, then you can just do Christmas.

I'm loving the positivity. There's no hell, you can do what you like,

you can take every day off, or just Christmas.

The thing that I like most is compliments.

Mm. That's the thing that religions haven't cottoned onto.

Yeah. People love compliments. They do.

How do you feel? I feel good.

Good times. I think you're ready to be baptised in a big pool of egg.

I really like this religion.

Badges all round, thanks very much. Yeah.

Yeah. Badges all round, guys.

Badges all round. Can't believe that.

Shut up, Kerry.

The next badge is the sensory deprivation badge.

Kerry and Toussaint, how do you think it went for you?

It wasn't my first rodeo, David.

My girlfriend once spiced things up in the bedroom by blindfolding me,

and giving me a bit of string, just so I knew where I was going.

It's quite easy to get lost down in the woods.

So, she took you to the woods? No, that's a euphemism for a vagina, David.

Oh, goodness me.

I did walk into a tree at one point.

That was a bit of drama.

Girls love drama, don't we?

What are we like?

What are we like? And then I got over it.

There was one bit where there was a log, and we had to climb over.

Jess wouldn't climb over it. I couldn't see, Jamali.

I didn't know how far down it was going to drop.

The production has took twists and turns, but I don't think they're going to make us jump off a cliff.

Well, Ed also was standing on a log perhaps six inches from the ground

imagining a ravine.

It is a good job we weren't together. It would have been a...

Currently it is a nightmare anyway, so...

I was going to give you all badges,

but I have to disqualify Jess and Jamali...

Why? For murder.

Not again, Jamali!

I thought you were already dead.

Earlier in the week,

David Mitchell died at your hands in a way that could be

interpreted as manslaughter, or even mercy.

But on this occasion, there was no doubt. You took a prone David Mitchell,

and threw him aside, where fell to bits, and died of exposure.

And cracked his neck.

To be fair, Jess did say to me,

"Jamali, there's someone in the tent!"

Then she goes, "Deal with it", and I just threw him out.

But it...

I know I give across the attitude like I don't care, but I would really like a badge.

Aw! No, not aw!

He did a murder.

He did survival.

David? I'd love to argue they get a badge, but it looks like David's made up his mind.

I have made up my mind, and I'm going to give badges

to Kerry and Toussaint...

Ed and Lou, but not on this occasion...

We've really fallen behind because of the murder now, Jamali.

I think I might be turning on you.

The final badge, the hunting badge.

Lou. Yes? As a vegan, how did you find the experience?

It was a great day out, really. But I would feel bad, because Toussaint and Kerry didn't shoot us.

I found it quite triggering, because I used to be

a children's entertainer, and I had to wear a zip suit.

Yeah. Do you mean you dressed as a massive zip to entertain children?

They call them zip suits. That's very odd they call them zip suits.

Why name it after the thing that fastens it?

I'm just going to go home to my lock building.

I had to wear one of those. I had to be a mouse.

You had to go in through the tradesman's entrance.

I didn't want to shoot my former self.

You thought... Yes. I just saw these out-of-work actors running through a wood.

That's exactly what you saw.

Toussaint aimed into the sky, and killed three owls.

Can you talk us through what you were doing later, when you were being shot at?

So, I was dressed as a lobster.

Yes. And my lobster was called Martin Lobster King.

And I believed in peaceful, non-violent action,

which Jamali and Jess happily... shot at.

I was saying... We named him viable.

We named him.... Are you mad, bruv? You were just standing there, bruv.

Jamali and Jess, how do you feel you worked as a team when you were under fire?

I honestly have no idea, because I could barely see.

Do you not know what happened?

No, I don't know. Oh, my goodness.

Basically... No, Jamali.

From my perspective, from my perspective...

Going to tell a lie for comical effect. This is what actually happened.

It isn't funny. OK. Is...

Jess said to me, "Jamali, don't leave me."

"Of course I won't leave you."

I said, "Run, Jess", and she ran, and I slipped,

so I couldn't run behind her,

and so I left a gap while she was getting hit.

Can I tell you... Can I tell you what it looked like?

I thought you pretended to run so she started to run,

and then you went back to safety.

That's exactly what happened.

Genuinely exactly what happened.

Why? Why does that help us?

Because they're all hitting you, so I can do my Forrest Gump run.

And get out of there. Unbelievable.

Again, that shows great inner survival ruthlessness.

And on this occasion, it's not murder.

Have you ever done paintballing?

No. It really hurts. Well, that's why I haven't done it.

Surely that whole thing just reminded you of all the stag dos you've said no to.

LAUGHTER

So, Ed and Lou, you got nine hits.

Kerry and Toussaint, zero. Zero, yeah.

Jamali and Jess, 25.

Wow. I am happy to give badges to Jamali and Jess, and Ed and Lou.

But not to Toussaint and Kerry. Fair enough.

At the end of day five of this ordeal,

Jamali and Jess, you have two badges,

Kerry and Toussaint, you have two badges,

and Ed and Lou, you're on the comeback trail.

You've got all three badges! Yes!

Which means, at the end of day five, the overall scores are...

Jess and Jamali, ten badges.

Kerry and Toussaint, ten badges. Yes!

Just behind, Ed and Lou, nine badges.

Wow!

There's still... everything to play for.

Everything. Oh, I've just had a text from my wife.

The underfloor heating in the bathroom won't turn off.

Can you believe it? It's just so warm.

Night-night. Night, David.

ALL SQUAWK

To earn your shepherding badge, you must learn to herd.

Off to chicken cottage. I'm just a pig farmer now, basically.

I want this badge, David, I want it!

Final badge that will decide the series, and it's done quite simply on time.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media