All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S04E05 - A Live Woman of Proven Fertility (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

you want to go out
and grab some dinner?

I can't go out
to dinner, Charlie.

Why not?
You got a date?

He said, knowing
the answer,

but asking anyway,
just to be polite.

No, I don't have a date, he
replied, all the while thinking,

"Bite me,
you booze-addled buffoon."

So why can't you go?

Are you kidding?

I'm paying alimony
to two women.

I don't have money for luxuries
like eating out.

Or eating in, really.

I'm trying to learn
to chew my own cud.

It's all right, I'll treat.

No, no, no, you've done
too much for me already.

Yeah, but it's not like
I'm keeping a tab... $26,382.

To date.

Exactly, so I need to start
carrying my own weight,

which is actually getting easier
now that I'm wasting away.

Oh, stop feeling
sorry for yourself.

I'm not feeling
sorry for myself.

I'll find something
here to eat.

Maybe some scrambled eggs
and a Popsicle.

Fine. See ya later.

(sighs)

All right, I'm only going
to ask you one more time.

Would you like
to have dinner with me?

That depends.
Where are we going?

Oh, for God's sake!

What, what,
I don't even get a vote?

No, you don't get a vote.
You get a free meal.

Well, if I was one of
your dates, you'd ask
where I wanted to go.

You're right.

(sexy voice):
So where to do you
want to go, baby?

That's uh, that's very funny.

Oh, no, no, let's get
something hot in you

and then get
something hot in you.

Knock it off.

Gee, you smell good.

You know what, you
know what? Okay, okay.

I'll just stay here
and have a Popsicle.

Oh, you'll be getting
a Popsicle.

Fine, fine, okay.

You pick the restaurant.

Thank you. How about sushi?

Ew, not a big fan.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, that's Judith.

Keep thinking.

Jake, your mother's here.

Hey, that Popsicle almost...

Hello.

Hi. Yeah, he'll
be right out.

Do me a favor
and take 'em both.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, honey, would you wait
in the car, please?

Who's in trouble--
me or Dad?

No one's in trouble.

It's you.

Judith, if you're going
to chew my ass off,

just know, I'm
planning on having it

for breakfast tomorrow.

No, you didn't
do anything, Alan.

I just, um...

I wanted to let you know
that, uh...

Boy, this is awkward.

You remember that I was dating
Jake's pediatrician?

Yeah, yeah, Melnick.
What about him?

Well, we started seeing
each other again,

and it's gotten serious.

Oh. How serious?

He asked me to marry him,
and I said yes.

Oh. Wow.

I... I don't know
what to say.

Um, I guess congratulations.

Thank you.

Just wanted to let you know
before we told Jake.

Sure, sure, I appreciate it.

It's kind of weird,
isn't it?

I mean, we spent
so many years together.

It's hard for me to think of
you married to somebody else.

Yeah.

Still, I wish you
the best, though.

Oh, I know you do.

Thank you.

Well, bye.

Bye.

Five, six, seven, eight...

* No more alimony,
no more alimony *

* No more alimony,
no more alimony... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

You mean besides
eating it with you?

It's all fleshy and flappy
and wet.

Feels unnatural
against my tongue.

Al...
What?

I think I know why your
marriages didn't work out.

Oh, stop it.

Now, speaking
of marriages,

the next time we go
out to dinner,

it'll be on me,

because with Judith
getting married again...

I'll have...

(monotone):
Five, six, seven, eight...

* No more alimony,
No more alimony *

* No more alimo...

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here?

And how'd you get in?

Rose let me in.

Hey, guys.

How was dinner?

Forget dinner.

What are you doing here?

Keeping Jake company.

But if you let him in, you had
to have been here before him.

Well, yeah.

But if Jake hadn't shown up,

I'd be gone by now,
and you'd never know I was here.

So what, you just waltz in
and make yourself at home

whenever I'm out?

That's not true.

Sometimes you're
upstairs asleep.

Wait a minute.

Let's go back here.

Jake, why aren't you
at your mother's?

I ran away.

Sometimes you're
in the shower.

Rose, please.

Why did you run away?

Because I hate it there.

Is this about the
upcoming nuptials?

It has nothing to do
with puberty, Dad.

It's about Mom getting married.

I thought you
liked Dr. Melnick.

That was when they
were just dating.

Now he thinks he can
tell me what to do.

He's not my father.

You don't do what
I tell you to do.

Yeah, but Mom doesn't care
about that.

Alan, Alan, can I just
interrupt for one sec?

How do you keep getting in?

I've changed the locks
three times.

Yes, but you didn't
change the locksmith.

I could recommend somebody.

Good night, Rose.

I replace everything
I eat.

Good night, Rose.

You know how
I do it?

I keep an exact duplicate
fridge at my house.

Good night, Rose.

By the way, we're
out of Popsicles.

All right, I'm going
to call your mother.

She's probably
worried sick.

She's probably in the hot tub
with Dr. Melnick.

How'd you get here?

Did you steal a car
or something?

How can I steal a car?
I'm 12.

Oh, kids these days.

No imagination.

I took the bus.

In L.A.? At night?

You'd have been safer
stealing a car.

So what's your plan?
Where are you headed?

I'm going to stay here.

(chuckling):
Oh, you can't stay here.

Why not?

Because you're running away.

"Away," according
to the dictionary,

means "not here."

It's usually preceded

by the words, "far, far,"

or in your case, "go."

Oh, come on, why can't I
live with you guys?

Oh, Jake, do you have any idea
how much I have

to clean up my act when
you're here on weekends?

What are you talking about?

I see you drink, gamble, you
have strange girls sleep over.

Uh-huh, drop in unannounced
on a Wednesday,

and you'll be scarred for life.

Well, I hope you're proud of
yourself-- your mother's crying.

Good.

Hey!

Don't be mean to your mother.

You're mean to your mother.

My mother can take it.

She actually feeds on it.

Anyway, she wanted me
to tell you

that she loves you more
than anything

and that she and Dr. Melnick
aren't going to get married

until you've had time to adjust
to the idea.

Well, then they'll
never get married,

'cause I'm never going
to adjust to it.

Five, six, seven...

Shut up.

* Men...

You know, I am a little
surprised at you.

I would think you would want
your mom to be happy.

Hey, she can be happy
all she wants.

I just don't need some jerk
pretending he's my dad.

Oh, why not?

'Cause I already have a dad.

And he's already a jerk.

All right, buddy.

I'm going to have to tell you
something pretty heavy.

But I think
it's something

that you're old enough
to understand.

You can do better
than me.

Way better.

Did you know that I'm
not even a real doctor,

but Dr. Melnick is.

So what?

"So what"? Are you kidding?

He makes more money
than I do.

He can buy you better presents
than I can.

And don't underestimate
the value

of having a prescription pad
lying around the house.

Charlie.

You know, if someone gets sick.

Or bored.

But I only need one dad.

And you'll only
have one dad,

but there's nothing that says

you can't call him "Dad"
and me "Alan."

We'll still know who's who.

I'm getting a little misty.

Forget it, I'm never
going to like him.

May I suggest you try a more...

shall we say,
practical approach?

Jake, how much does your mom
give you for allowance?

Ten dollars a week.

Okay...

Uh, I'm going to write down
some figures here,

and you tell me to stop
when you see a number

that makes you feel a little
warmer toward Dr. Melnick.

* Men...

I was so worried
about you.

Don't you ever do that again.

Thanks for bringing
him back.

No problem.

Jake, isn't there something
you want to say?

Yeah.

I love you, Dr. Melnick.

* Men...

You've got school
in the morning.

Hang on.

Night, Dad.

See ya, Alan.

Night, buddy.

(chuckling):
Boy, he's really
warming up to you.

Yeah. Listen.

Have you and Judith ever
discussed putting Jake

on any sort
of medication?

Why? What
do you got?

No, no, we haven't.

Why?

Well, I mean, one minute
he hates me,

the next minute
he loves me,

and those kinds of mood swings
just aren't normal.

Oh, no, no, no,
don't worry about that.

That's not an emotional problem.

That's, uh, it's more like, um,
uh, kind of...

Charlie?

We paid him to like you.

You what?

And it cost less
than you might think.

But that's a good thing.

A bribable child
is a controllable child.

Plus, he's not too bright so you
can lie to him all you want.

Charlie.
Oh, come on.

Until he was ten,

I had him convinced
that swizzle sticks were money.

Hey, hey, uh,
speaking of swizzle sticks,

have you guys considered
eloping to Vegas?

Hmm. No, we haven't...

Now, I know what
you're thinking-- tacky, tacky,

but actually it isn't.

It's classy and very romantic.

Yeah, some of the hotel rooms
have those big mirrored walls.

It's like watching your ass
bob up and down in IMAX.

Huh....
I think actually

we're going to put things
on hold for a while.

Why? You love
Judith, don't you?

Of course;
she's a great woman.

How's the sex?

That's a little personal,
isn't it?

Hey, I didn't ask which way
you point her.

I just want to make sure
you two kids are compatible.

Oh. Well, there's no problem
in that area.

See, Alan? It was you.

That's me,

the original
one-pump chump.

So I hear.

The thing is, I'm just not sure
I'm ready to be a stepfather.

Oh, oh, sure you are.

You'll be terrific,
right, Charlie?

Trust us, as long
as there's food in the fridge

and money in your wallet, you'll
own the little peckerhead.

Poor baby
was exhausted.

He fell asleep as soon
as his head hit the pillow.

Another plus: sound sleeper.

Yeah, nothing wakes that kid up.

And I've had some real screamers
at my place.

It's getting late;
I'd like to go to bed.

Why don't
you do that.

Listen, fatherhood
is no big deal.

Truth is, with the Internet
and everything,

they practically
raise themselves.

Alan.

You go ahead, honey,
I'll be in in a second.

I don't know, I...

I just think I need some time
to get used to the idea.

No, no, no, don't
think about it.

Parenthood is
like skydiving.

You just got to jump
out of the ol' plane.

And get sucked
into the ol' propeller.

A propeller of love.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

Why don't we go out
and talk about this

over a couple of beers?

Oh, well, thanks.

I really enjoy spending time
with you fellows,

but I don't really drink.

That's okay,
neither do I.

Well, okay, sure.

I'll just tell Judith
I'm leaving.

No, that's okay, I'll tell her.

Judith, we're leaving!

JUDITH:
Good!
Let's go.

* Men...

My first wife and I
tried to have kids,

but it just didn't happen.

And then when she got sick
and passed away,

I didn't think
I'd ever have a family.

Oh, oh, that's so sad.

Yeah.

Who was shooting blanks,
you or her?

Charlie,
that doesn't matter.

What matters is he's
starting fresh with Judith.

A live woman
of proven fertility.

What good does that do if he's
packing a starter's pistol?

I'm fine.

You hear that?
He's fine.

Jake can have
a little brother.

That would be a blessing
from heaven, wouldn't it?

Oh, I don't know
if I want more kids.

Then wear a condom.

Besides, Jake's
used to being an only child.

If there was a new one,
he'd probably eat it by mistake.

So, Herb, you haven't touched
your beer.

Oh, well, like I said,
I'm not much of a drinker.

Then we need a drinking game.

How about this:

each time Alan shoots me a dirty
look, we all take a drink.

Oop! Here we go.

* Men...

You guys are great guys.

I love you guys.

You know why?
'Cause you're great.

You know, Herb,
I wish more women

held their liquor
the way you do.

Thank you.

I would like to propose a toast.

To Jake.

Ah, Jake's great.

And to Judith.

Absolutely.
Judith's great, too.

And to your
upcoming marriage.

Eh, sure. What the hell.

You know what I never had?

A second beer?

No, no, a bachelor party.

Me, neither,
thanks to my brother.

Oop. Bottoms up.

Mm. Hey.

Why don't we make this
your bachelor party?

You know, one last big
blowout with your friends
before you get married.

But my friends aren't here.

What about us?
We're your friends.

We wish you well,
right, Charlie?

Well.

Oh, come on,
what do you say?

I don't know...

I mean,
if this is a bachelor party...

wouldn't there be
a couple of strippers?

Charlie?

I'm on it.

* Men...

(rock music playing)

He's going to make a
great stepdad for Jake.

Yeah, whatever.

And with the alimony I save, I
can go out to eat every night...

in restaurants.

And I'm not talking
early bird special.

I can eat when it's dark out,
with people my own age.

Hey, does your
cell phone have video?

Yeah, why?

Observe.

What are you doing?

Just in case he decides
to back out of the wedding.

That's blackmail.
So?

I like it.

Hey, Herb!

Attaboy.

(softly):
You dumb bastard.

(phone rings)

Uh-oh. It's Judith.

Why is she calling
me at this hour?

Hello?

Of course it's me--
who were you expecting?

Oh, my God,
this is Herb's phone.

Um, uh, Herb is
in the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, we were just
having a couple of beers

and getting to know
each other.

Well, with all
due respect, Judith,

before we got married,
I didn't drink, either.

Hey, hey. There is no call
for that kind of language.

What? I'm sorry,
I-I can't hear you.

Yeah, I-I think
this phone

is ...unning out of ...atteries.

I ...aid this ...one
is ...unning out of ...atteries.

...ood-bye, ...udith.

Think she bought it?

If she did,
she's ...upider than ...ou.

(softly):
Excuse me, fellas.

(slurring):
Can either of you cash
a check for me?

Why?

I'd like to tip the ladies.

No, no,
forget the tip.

We've got to get you home.
(scoffs)

Why would I go home
when for an extra 300 bucks,

I can go all around the world?

He's got a point, Alan.

Herb, listen to me.

Your fiancée
is worried about you.

Oh, right.

Golly, she's gonna be
pretty P.O.'d.

It's okay.
She doesn't need to know.

That's right.
She doesn't need to know.

Can I borrow $300?

ALAN:
What are you doing?

Call it a wedding gift.

Are you crazy?
I've got to get him home.

So take him home.
What are you going to do?

I'm thinking maybe
I'll go around the world.

God knows I've racked up
enough frequent-flyer miles.

(snoring)

Herb?

Herb?!

Herb?

(sighs)
Charlie, you're
going to have

to help me take
him home...

Charlie?

* Men...

You have a key?

No I don't have a key.

Maybe he's got a key.

You want to go
through his pockets?

Not particularly.

Why don't we just
leave him on the porch,

ring the bell,
and run?

He's not a bag
of flaming dog poo.

No, that was Judith's
first husband.

Oop, dirty look--
where's my beer?

(sighs)
All right, all right.

I'll go
through his pockets.

(both grunt)

Oh, Judith.

What the hell
is going on here?

* Men...

(sighs)
Well, that was close.

No, it wasn't close.

Close is when you
get away with it.

That was nowhere near close.

All right, all right,
it doesn't matter.

He had a good time,
he's going to marry Judith,

and I'm off the hook
for alimony.

That's true.

Hey, Alan?

Yeah?

You did erase the video
from his cell phone, right?

(chuckles)
Oh, boy, it'd be really stupid
if I didn't.

Yes, it would.

CHARLIE (over phone):
Hey, Herb!

Attaboy!
(softly): You dumb bastard.

Here you go.
Thank you.

And you.

Okay, so that is
one root beer...

one orange soda.