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1
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:05,506
Our divorce does not have
to be adversarial.
2
00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:07,408
Bet she won't
know that word.
3
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,411
No, not "ads for cereal."
4
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:13,481
Told ya.
5
00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:14,815
Do you know?
6
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,517
That wasn't the bet.
7
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,286
Oh, come on.
8
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,487
You're being very unfair.
9
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:20,821
I love Chester
as much as you do.
10
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,323
Oh. Oh, really?
11
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,158
Oh, well, then maybe
you can explain to me
12
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,459
why I'm the one
who feeds Chester,
13
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,095
gives Chester tick baths
14
00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,597
and cleans up when Chester
piddles on the rug.
15
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,166
When'd you change
your name to Chester?
16
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,871
And it's not just me.
Jake loves that dog, too.
17
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,173
No, I don't.
18
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,511
He slobbers and he threw up
in my shoe.
19
00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,147
I had a date
like that once.
20
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:49,883
You think it would have
slowed me down, but no.
21
00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,852
All right, all right,
can I at least talk to him?
22
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,854
My father talks to dogs
23
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,889
and they send me
to a psychologist.
24
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,725
Hello, Chester?
25
00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,893
It's Daddy!
26
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,763
Who's a good boy?!
27
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,232
You're a good boy!
28
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,300
Yes, you are!
29
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,236
Yes, you are! Yes...
30
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,404
Kandi, I wasn't finished.
31
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,540
Yeah, well, well,
I have rights here.
32
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,508
And, and I intend
to pursue those rights
33
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,478
with all the means
at my disposal.
34
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,380
Yeah, well, okay, okay.
Good-bye.
35
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,584
Alan?
Yeah?
36
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:24,818
(mocking):
Who's a moron?
37
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,154
You're a moron!
38
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,821
Yes, you are!
Yes, you are!
39
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,759
Well, it may be funny to you,
40
00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:33,827
but that dog
means a lot to me.
41
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:35,329
This really about
the dog
42
00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:36,630
or is it
about Kandi?
43
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:37,665
It's about the dog.
44
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:38,866
I mean,
45
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,868
we bought a condo,
she's keeping it.
46
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,303
We bought a car,
she's keeping it.
47
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,537
What do I get to keep?
48
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,239
Certainly not
your dignity.
49
00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,310
Okay, let's look
at the big picture.
50
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:51,545
You're a middle-aged
guy who married
51
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,946
a stupid woman
half his age
52
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:54,815
for no other reason
than the sex was great.
53
00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,217
You with me so far?
54
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,585
Yeah.
55
00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,820
Good. Then you ran
out of money,
56
00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,955
she got bored
and threw you out.
57
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,624
What's your point?
58
00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:04,825
Why does everything
need a point?
59
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:07,628
Why can't I just
make fun of you?
60
00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:10,464
I want my dog, Charlie.
61
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,633
There'll be other dogs...
62
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:13,801
not in my house.
63
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:16,937
Just remember:
64
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:19,640
the worst thing you
can do is fight over
who gets what.
65
00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:21,309
The trick is to give
her everything.
66
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,876
Everything?
Whatever she wants
67
00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:24,478
because when all
is said and done,
68
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,314
you'll get the one
thing that matters most,
69
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:27,815
the thing you can't
put a price on.
70
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,283
My dignity.
71
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,284
Oh, stop it.
72
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:31,819
That ship has sailed.
73
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,456
No, no, no.
74
00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,725
The thing you get
is freedom;
75
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,893
the opportunity
to start over.
76
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,663
Maybe a little sadder,
but a whole lot wiser.
77
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:43,831
And the next time
you meet a woman--
78
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,799
and trust me,
you will--
79
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:49,470
you'll have a real
shot at true and
lasting happiness.
80
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:53,006
I want my dog.
81
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,676
Well, good luck
with that
82
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:57,678
'cause I was lying
about the other stuff.
83
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,984
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
84
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,388
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
85
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:10,758
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
86
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,660
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
87
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:15,028
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
88
00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:18,966
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
89
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,569
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
90
00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:32,680
You know, you get one week,
and I get one week.
91
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,782
It doesn't make any difference.
92
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:38,819
Dog weeks and people weeks
are the same thing.
93
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,624
Hey, Dad, how come
you don't give me
an allowance?
94
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:44,858
Because your mother
gives you an allowance.
95
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,159
Look, I am just trying
to be fair here.
96
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,128
Speaking of fair,
97
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:51,031
it doesn't seem fair that Mom
has to pay me and you don't.
98
00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:52,800
Hang on, Kandi.
99
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,502
Let me explain
something to you.
100
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,704
Every cent your mother has
comes from me.
101
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,071
So when she gives
you allowance,
102
00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,640
it's really me
giving you an allowance.
103
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,709
I don't need
to know how it works,
104
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,176
I just need more money.
105
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,114
Take a number.
106
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,516
Sorry, go ahead.
107
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,550
Six.
108
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,356
Morning.
109
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:16,590
Morning.
110
00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:18,992
Look, if Chester is going
to live anywhere full-time,
111
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,227
I don't see why
it shouldn't be here.
112
00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,396
I do. I see why.
113
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,966
When he split with your mother,
114
00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,435
did they fight like this
over your custody?
115
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,370
They still do. "You take him."
116
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,904
"No, you take him."
117
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,106
ALAN:
Okay. Okay, okay, fine.
118
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,442
You want this to get ugly?
119
00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,643
You want to play
hardball?
120
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,411
I will, I will play
hardball.
121
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,413
How come you don't
give me an allowance?
122
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,082
What, are you drunk?
123
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:45,018
Yeah, well, I am
going to get a lawyer.
124
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:46,520
I-I am going
to take you to court.
125
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:49,423
Yeah, and then we'll
just see who gets Chester.
126
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:52,159
Yeah! Yeah, well, well,
have your lawyer call my lawyer!
127
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,160
(phone slams)
128
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,038
You know a lawyer?
129
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,574
* Men.
130
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,181
Oh.
131
00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,616
Hi.
132
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:16,950
What do you want, Alan?
133
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,987
Oh, okay,
right to it, huh?
134
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:24,124
Uh, well, as you know,
Kandi and I are splitting up.
135
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:26,594
Yeah, quelle surprise.
136
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:30,197
Merci.
137
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:34,034
Anyhoo, I'm going
to need a good lawyer
138
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,936
and I thought, you know,
139
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,606
who better than the rabid
jackal who ripped my lungs out
140
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,474
in my first divorce?
141
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,242
You want my lawyer?
142
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:45,245
Well, I certainly
don't want mine.
143
00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:47,581
Gee, Alan, I'm sorry, but I
can't give him to you.
144
00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:48,716
Why not?
145
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,418
Because I already
gave him to Kandi.
146
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,986
You're joking, right?
147
00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:56,490
I'm smiling,
but I'm not joking.
148
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,726
Why would you do that?
149
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,361
I don't know-- kicks.
150
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:04,998
Oh, Judith, when did you
start hating me so much?
151
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,235
Well, let's see, I disliked you
when we were married,
152
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,037
I resented you
when we divorced,
153
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,439
but I don't think
I hated you
154
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,973
until you started having sex
155
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,576
with that gorgeous
22-year-old dumbbell.
156
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,578
Okay, well, thanks
for clearing that up.
157
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,112
Bye-bye.
158
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,315
* Men.
159
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,753
Look, if you really want
to make some extra cash,
160
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:28,255
I'm sure we can find some
household chores for you to do.
161
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,491
Oh, yeah, there's big money
in that.
162
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,094
What kind of chores?
163
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,996
Well, let's see.
164
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,097
You can take out
the garbage,
165
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,166
sweep up the garage,
wash my car.
166
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,735
No, none of those sound good.
167
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:47,741
Tell you what.
168
00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:51,078
I'll give you ten bucks
169
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,280
if you can eat this entire
tub of ice cream
170
00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:54,347
in less than 20 minutes.
171
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,583
Okay.
172
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,685
Charlie, that will shoot out
of him
173
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:01,288
like Ben and Jerry
on rocket skates.
174
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:04,057
Here, eat these
instead.
175
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,526
By the time they
get through you,
176
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,227
it'll be your
mom's problem.
177
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,564
All of them in 20 minutes,
right?
178
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:11,599
Yep.
179
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,433
Then can I have the ice cream?
180
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,471
Uh-oh.
181
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,140
* Men.
182
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:32,586
Alan, you should
have called.
183
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,755
I didn't feel like calling.
I want to see my dog.
184
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,090
Well, maybe he
doesn't want
to see you.
185
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,592
Why don't we let him
decide?
186
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,828
No, he's been
through enough.
187
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:43,196
Oh, really?
Did he tell you that?
188
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:45,098
How could he tell
me anything?
189
00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,767
You know as well as I do
190
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,702
that he keeps
everything bottled up.
191
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,370
Damn it, Kandi,
I want to see my...
192
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:52,239
Don't you yell at me.
193
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,641
If you have
anything to say
194
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:54,808
you can say it
to my lawyer.
195
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,610
Maybe I will.
196
00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:59,513
Honey, Alan has
something he wants
to say to you.
197
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:04,685
Hey.
198
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:05,753
What's up?
199
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,724
It's you...
200
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:11,759
the jackal.
201
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:15,162
Oh, that hurts.
202
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,798
Listen, as long
as you're here,
203
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,132
is your billing
address still the same?
204
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,500
Uh-huh.
205
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:23,170
Great. Well, I guess
I'll see you in court.
206
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,706
Oh, and don't worry.
207
00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,675
I'm not going
to bill you for
this consultation.
208
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,810
There's nothing legal
going on here.
209
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,818
* Men.
210
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,754
CHARLIE:
Unfreaking-believable.
211
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:44,725
It's like watching
a pot-smoking monkey.
212
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,493
Ten dollars, please.
213
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,929
Serves me right,
betting against a kid
214
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:51,298
who can eat a Happy Meal,
toys and all.
215
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,302
Thank you.
216
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,469
What are you doing?
217
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,772
You tell me always
do my own count.
218
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,608
Yeah, but you can trust me.
219
00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,843
...seven, eight...
220
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,444
nine?
221
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,950
It was an honest mistake.
222
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,685
I'm sure.
223
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,856
So what are you going
to do with your winnings?
224
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,190
It's a secret.
225
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,291
So it's a girl.
226
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,259
How'd you know?
227
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:19,893
I didn't.
228
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,561
Then it isn't.
229
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,231
Come on. Tell me about her.
230
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,298
Maybe I can help.
231
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,333
I don't think so.
232
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,768
Are you kidding me?
233
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:30,270
Who knows more about girls
than your Uncle Charlie?
234
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,840
Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton,
Rosie O'Donnell.
235
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,811
Why should I talk to you?
236
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:38,779
You've messed up
every relationship
237
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:39,780
you've ever been in.
238
00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:41,281
Well, yeah, but...
239
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,851
So you're not exactly
a good example.
240
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,519
I get it.
I mean, if I were old enough
to have one-night stands...
241
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,988
All right, all right,
you've made your point.
242
00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,857
So don't talk to me.
243
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,258
I won't.
Okay.
Okay.
244
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,726
Good.
245
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,366
Will you drive me to the mall?
246
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,734
Why?
247
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:01,935
It's private.
248
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,237
So's my car.
249
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:07,507
All right, I want
to buy a present.
250
00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,776
For?
251
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,277
It's a secret.
252
00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:11,544
I'll throw in another ten.
253
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,813
Wendy Cho.
254
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,316
Aha! A present
for Wendy Cho.
255
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,952
Now, is this an offering
to grease the wheels
256
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:22,355
or a parting gift for the wheels
having already been greased?
257
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,957
Grease the wheels?
258
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,827
See, that's why I don't talk
to you about this stuff.
259
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,899
Well, he may be as dull
as a butter knife,
260
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,768
but you got to admit
he's a good judge
of character.
261
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,014
Are you sure
262
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,316
it doesn't have anything
to do with sex?
263
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,550
Positive.
264
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,686
Huh. Sure sounds like it.
265
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,321
"Subpoenas."
266
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,798
Hang in there, Chester.
267
00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,433
Daddy's coming.
268
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,401
Oh, please, please,
please, please, please.
269
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,639
Yes! She didn't change the lock.
270
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,008
(alarm blaring)
271
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,812
But that's new.
272
00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,319
Skull earrings?
273
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:29,056
Yeah, they're silver
and they got ruby eyes.
274
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,558
Okay, first of all,
for $11.95...
275
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,426
those aren't rubies.
276
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:34,661
You don't know that.
277
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,563
Oh, but I do.
278
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,833
And second, girls
like Wendy Cho
279
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,534
don't wear skull earrings.
280
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:42,635
How do you know?
281
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,636
She gets straight A's, right?
282
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,038
She plays violin?
283
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,840
She's also the captain
of the math team.
284
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,976
Exactly. So you see my point.
285
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,778
Oh. Okay.
286
00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,714
How 'bout that
skull belt buckle?
287
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,519
No skulls.
288
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,088
Just out of curiosity,
289
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:03,924
does this Wendy Cho
hate her parents?
290
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:05,458
I don't think so. Why?
291
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:08,028
Just trying to get a
handle on the relationship.
292
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:11,598
She says she likes me
'cause I'm unpretentious.
293
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:12,499
You know what that means?
294
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,568
It means she likes me.
295
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,504
Yeah. Okay.
296
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,539
So what do you want
this gift to say?
297
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,609
Uh... "Happy birthday"?
298
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,111
A birthday card
says "Happy birthday."
299
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,613
What are you trying to tell her
by giving her jewelry?
300
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:30,583
I don't know. I guess...
that I love her.
301
00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:32,619
What?
302
00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,388
Nothing. That's terrific.
303
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,024
Hey, just because you
don't love any girl
304
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,391
doesn't mean I shouldn't.
305
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,560
Excuse me, but I have
loved many girls
306
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,595
and many girls have loved me.
307
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,631
That's not love, it's just sex.
308
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,701
Um, I'm sorry,
I'm not following you.
309
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,404
If you died tomorrow,
how many of those girls
310
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:52,605
would come to your funeral?
311
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,174
A lot of them.
312
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:55,843
Granted, a few might show up
313
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,645
just to make sure
I'm really dead.
314
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:03,884
But I feel confident that
the overall tone of the event
315
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,586
would be one of sadness.
316
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,121
If you say so.
317
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,023
Yeah. I say so.
318
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,724
And let's get out of here.
319
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,526
I haven't picked
out a gift yet.
320
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,029
Then get her the stupid
skull earrings.
321
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:17,764
But you said
she wouldn't like 'em.
322
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:19,699
What do I know? Nobody loves me.
323
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,869
Nobody's coming to my funeral.
324
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,704
Whoa. Where'd that come from?
325
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:32,045
Here. What about this
gold heart necklace?
326
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:35,115
It's kinda expensive.
327
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:38,151
If you want the best, Jake,
you gotta pay for it.
328
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:40,487
Yeah, but $39?
329
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:43,523
I mean, I love her
and everything...
330
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,193
Tell you what, if it means
we can get out of here quicker,
331
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,528
I'll front you the difference.
I don't know.
332
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,763
What do you mean you don't know?
I'm offering you a great deal.
333
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,465
Yeah, but you always say,
334
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,035
"If it sounds too good to be
true, it probably is."
335
00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:57,770
All right, how 'bout
if I pay for the whole thing?
336
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,773
That sounds even better, so no.
337
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,677
Come on, Brainiac.
338
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:07,180
What do I have
to do for you?
339
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,249
Just promise to be
sad at my funeral.
340
00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:10,483
Do I have to cry?
341
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:11,484
No.
342
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,586
Will there be food?
343
00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:14,587
Yes.
344
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,488
Can I bring a date?
345
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,826
You're just screwing
with me now, right?
346
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,895
How does it feel?
347
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,633
* Men.
348
00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,169
Still early. Want to
go shoot some hoops?
349
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,170
Nah. I'm gonna go
350
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,838
call Wendy Cho.
351
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,241
Hey.
352
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,776
Bros before Chos.
353
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,549
"Thanks for the ride
to the mall, Uncle Charlie."
354
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,819
"Thanks for buying me
the necklace, Charlie."
355
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,556
"Thanks for not slugging me
when I started mouthing off
356
00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,024
about your funeral,
Uncle Charlie."
357
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,162
(sighs)
358
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:14,781
(gasps)
359
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,591
Chessie.
360
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,826
Whoa, whoa,
calm down.
361
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:27,927
Calm down. Easy, boy.
362
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,096
Charlie, what'd you do to him?
363
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,830
What did I do to him?
364
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:33,600
I practically crapped my pants
is what I did to him.
365
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:34,767
What the hell is that?
366
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,703
This is Chester.
Isn't he cute?
367
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,305
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
368
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,240
He's not staying
here, Alan.
369
00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:43,276
Well, with all due respect,
that's what you said about me.
370
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:47,880
It's because no kennel
in town would take you.
371
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,349
Oh, come on, look at him.
372
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,318
How can you not love this face?
373
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,620
Easy. I know where he puts it.
374
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,623
Now take him back to Kandi's.
375
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:57,624
I can't.
376
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:58,625
Why not?
377
00:15:58,691 --> 00:15:59,892
It's kinda complicated.
378
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:00,893
Then simplify it.
379
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,962
Okay, well, um...
380
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,297
I stole him.
381
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:08,935
Oh, Alan.
382
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:11,804
I may think with my penis,
but at least I think.
383
00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:13,273
Don't worry.
You won't have to do anything.
384
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:14,874
I'll feed him, I'll walk him.
385
00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:16,609
Walk him?
386
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:19,612
You can hitch a wagon to him
and settle the West.
387
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:22,615
No dogs in my house.
388
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,351
Especially stolen dogs
who are big enough
389
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,386
to make me their bitch.
390
00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,021
BERTA:
Whoa!
391
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,789
What the hell is that?
392
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,224
That... is leaving.
393
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:32,859
Oh, Charlie, please.
394
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,927
In my entire life, Chester
is the only living thing
395
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,130
I ever slept with that didn't
sue me for alimony.
396
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:40,733
Alan, how long do you think
you're gonna get away with this?
397
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,136
I was very careful.
I left the door open
398
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,804
so that when Kandi
comes home, she'll think
399
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,140
she left it open
and that Chester ran away.
400
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,008
She'll never dream
of looking for him here.
401
00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,310
(doorbell ringing)
402
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:53,146
Probably.
403
00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:56,183
Just in case-- hide Chester.
404
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,052
How am I supposed to hide him?
405
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,654
Sit under him with a pail
and pretend he's a cow.
406
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,023
(doorbell rings)
407
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,358
Coming!
408
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,161
(mutters)
409
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:09,362
Come on, Bullwinkle.
410
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,164
Yeah... Yeah...
411
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,707
Alan Harper?
412
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,142
Yes.
413
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,843
Yes, how can I help you?
414
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,379
We're investigating
a stolen dog report.
415
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,680
A-A dog?
416
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,417
Your ex-wife's dog?
417
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:33,386
Chester? Somebody stole Chester?
418
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:37,690
She seems to think you
might know his whereabouts.
419
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,293
Oh, gosh, uh...
420
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,795
I'm sorry, I
have no idea...
421
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:44,264
Uh, oh, although...
422
00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:45,965
you know what could
have happened?
423
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,468
Um... she, she could have left
the, the door open.
424
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:49,869
She's absent-minded.
425
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,405
Uh, and the dog got away.
426
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,274
(dog barking)
427
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:57,210
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
428
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,421
* Men.
429
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,723
ANNOUNCER:
All right, 21-6,
430
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,125
the Trojans lead the Aztecs.
431
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,026
They'll have the ball
when play resumes.
432
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,595
Hey.
433
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,063
Right now, Jim Watson's
on the sidelines.
434
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,698
Oh. Look who's
finally off the phone.
435
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,400
Yeah.
436
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,969
So when are you gonna give
Wendy Cho the necklace?
437
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,804
I'm not.
438
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,473
What happened?
439
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,574
You chicken out?
440
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,775
No.
441
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,911
I don't believe it.
442
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:34,647
You drag my ass all
the way down to the mall.
443
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,449
I pony up 40 bucks
for the necklace
444
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:37,884
and you chicken out.
445
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,853
She just dumped me,
you old turd.
446
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:48,528
Oh. You coulda told me that
before I started being a turd.
447
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:49,929
I'm only 12.
448
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,431
I need a time machine.
449
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:55,067
Yeah, dude, I
am really sorry.
450
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,104
What happened?
451
00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,707
with mixed
relationships.
452
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,011
What? Chinese and Caucasian?
453
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,779
Gifted and remedial.
454
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,083
Oh...
455
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,052
Yeah, well, I'm done
with relationships.
456
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,954
From now on,
I'm gonna be like you.
457
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,424
Why would you want
to be like me?
458
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,891
'Cause you never fall
in love with anybody,
459
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,427
so you never get hurt.
460
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,995
Okay.
461
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:23,896
Listen to me.
462
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,167
Being hurt sucks,
463
00:19:28,235 --> 00:19:32,839
but love is the most beautiful
and noble of human emotions.
464
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,541
It's what
gives a
man hope.
465
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:35,908
It's what gives
his life meaning.
466
00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,911
Don't turn your back
on love, Jake.
467
00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:42,715
I did,
and I regret it every day.
468
00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,083
Really?
469
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:46,586
May God strike me down
if I'm lying.
470
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,460
(mouthing)
471
00:19:58,298 --> 00:19:59,466
All right, game's over.
472
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,567
Let's go.
473
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:01,901
Where are we going?
474
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:04,904
Might as well bail
your dad out of jail.
475
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,976
Can we get something
to eat first?
476
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:10,910
Sure, why not?
477
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:13,680
* Men.
478
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:20,253
come back from Mexico?
479
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,623
Three more days.
480
00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,191
(sniffing)
481
00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,460
Oh, God, what are you
feeding that dog?
482
00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:29,195
It's not the dog.
483
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:37,236
Smells a little
like... banana bread.
484
00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:38,538
* Men.
485
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:39,539
(dog barks)
32807
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