Original subtitles

♪♪ [ trumpet ]

...where Western history comes alive.

Stories of the old West,

stories of hardships and adventure,

of dreams, and of courage,

stories of the American pioneer,

are all a part of our past,

of our heritage.

The history of the Western gold fields

is filled with strange tales

of how big strikes were made,

but none were stranger than the story

of the richest mine in Alder Gulch, Montana.

Now, most of the strikes in the gold-plated gulch

were the result of sweat and elbow grease,

but in this case,

it was due to the smell of...

A handsome woman is a jewel,

a good woman is a treasure,

and you, my fair Lucinda,

are the epitome of both.

Never mind the sweet talk,

you old villain.

Tell me what you'’ve done about that job.

Job?

Unfortunately, my dear,

the labor consisted of shoveling gravel

for hours on end.

It'’s honest work

and it pays well.

Of course, of course, my dear,

but my-- my, uh-- back.

An old war injury, you know.

It impairs my prowess with a shovel.

[ chuckles ]

[ coughs ] The pain is very severe,

you understand.

Aye, Dan, aye, that I do.

Hold on, you big-bellied baboon.

Can'’t you run? You run.

If we don'’t get there, they'’ll all be sold out.

Why, Lucinda, my dear!

And don'’t come back, you old bauchle!

They'’ll be nane more pie for you

until you go to work.

Nae, and nothin'’ else.

Oh, Lucinda...

[ cries ]

Uh, Miss Lucinda,

Miss Lucinda, Please don'’t cry.

If that storyteller did anything to you--

I'’m not cryin'. I never cry.

Yes, I know, ma'’am, but--

We only came in for some of your delicious pie.

Of course. Excuse me.

Yes, ma'’am.Two?

Uh, yes, ma'’am, two, please.

Oh, Miss Lucinda, if there'’s anything at all we can do--

Like raisin'’ a few knots on Dan Mickleson'’s head.

No.

I mean, he'’s a dangerous man.

I-- I don'’t want you to be hurt

on my account.

Dan Mickleson'’s dangerous?

Uh, maybe if we just talk to him.

By hand.

Mr. Coyle, Mr. Briscoe,

you'’re good friends.

LUCINDA: Aye, and good men, as well,

but I'’m afraid it will take a miracle

to make Dan go to work.

Thank you, kindly.

Yessum.

Now, Miss Lucinda, don'’t you be discouraged none.

Remember, them-- them miracles is always happenin'’ and--

and I gotta feelin'’ one is just before happenin'’, now.

"Dangerous."

I could whoop that lazy storyteller

with one hand.

Don'’t be dumb, Briscoe.

He may be a worthless critter, but she'’s in love with him.

Don'’t you know nothin'’ about love?

No, and neither do you.

Heck I don'’t, I almost got married once.

You'’re lyin'.

I ain'’t doin' no such a thing.

You remember when you were laid up over at the house?

There'’s this widow womanthere.

She owned a ranch outside of town.

She had six cows.

You never told me, Coyle.

Well, there'’s lots of things I never told you.

You ain'’t my daddy.

Yeah, but I'’m your partner.

Well, that'’s different.

Ain'’t the same thing at all.

You can be mad at me tomorrow,

right now we gotta figure out some way

to keep Miss Lucinda happy.

You know, we don'’t want to lose the best pie baker

in Alder Gulch.

Yeah, the only pie maker in Alder Gulch.

We gotta figure out some way to get that old

Dan Mickleson to go to work,

but that'’s gonna take some real sneaky thinking.

Henry LeBaron.Henry LeBaron.

No.

No, absolutely not.

You two are not getting me involved

in any more of your crazy schemes.

You wasn'’t listenin',Henry.

We want you to do the schemin'’.

Meddlers.

You two are born meddlers.

We ain'’t no such thing.

Look, never mind the insults,

How do we get Dan to go to work?

Well, uh-- that'’s a real problem.

Now, that, uh--

that'’s gonna take some hard thinkin'’.

Well think. Think.

Well, the trouble is, I don'’t think too well

when I'’m hungry.

Oh, here, have a hunk.

Blackmailer.

I'’m nothing of the kind.

Merely, primin'’ the pump.

Well?

Well, first of all,

we have to find a reason for Dan to want to work.

[ chuckles ] Now, what'’s he like best?

Well, that'’s easy, pie.

Exactly.

So, we have Miss Lucinda cut him off,

and then--No, no. She'’s already done that.

We just heard it.

No, no, that was just talk. He means for real.

Yeah, but what if it don'’t work, Henry?

Well, then we start to put the pressure on him.

Oh.

[ singing ] La-de-da-dey...

Fairest damsel of them all,

May I offer you a small token

of my esteem?

Do you have a job yet?

Well, no.

LUCINDA: Then you may not.

I'’ll be acceptin' no tokens from a man

with empty pockets and a fear of decent work.

But-- but, Lucinda--

But me no buts, Dan Mickelson,

I'’ll no be courted by a worthless loafer.

Will you not even allow me to tell you a tale

of romance and adventure,

in exchange for a wee piece of pie?

I told ya,

no more pie till you go to work.

As you command, my dear.

I shall go seeking employment this very day.

Employment? Ah, the man'’s hopeless.

Hopeless, I tell ya!

The man cares for naught but his books and his stories.

Nonsense, Miss Lucinda.

Now, Dan loves you and you know it.

Aye, maybe he does,

but he'’ll never be able to support a wife,

and I'’ll nae support any man.

Well, of course not.

Now, you just don'’t give up hope.

Why, we'’ve barely started.

Yeah, a few more weeks without your pie,

he'’s gonna feel mighty different.

I fear it'’s no use.

Miss Lucinda,

Henry'’s got lots more ideas.

COYLE: Ain'’t you, Henry?

Well, he'’d better have.

Yes, yes, of course.

Now, you just hang on, Miss Lucinda.

We'’ll have Dan workin' in two weeks.

You'’re good friends

and you mean well,

but I'’m afraid you're wastin'’ your time.

Aye, and me too.

I'’ll be going now.

Well?

Oh, hush up and sit down.

I'’m gettin' an idea.

It better be a good one.

Dan'’s not really worried yet

because he figures that she'’s gonna soften up

sooner or later.

Well, she always does.

And why?

Because she loves him and he knows it.

And why? How does he know it?

Oh, for Pete'’s sakes,

because she ain'’t never looked at anyone twice.

That'’s why.

Exactly!

Well,

Dan Mickleson is gonna have a rival for Miss Lucinda'’s hand.

Oh, you'’re loco, she wouldn'’t--

Oh, hush up. He means pretend.

Don'’t you?

Yes, of course.

If Dan thinks there'’s a chance

that he might really lose her,

there ain'’t nothing he won'’t do

to hang onto her,

even go to work.

Well, you'’re the love expert. What do you think?

It just might work.

The problem is, to find the right man.

Someone that Dan will take seriously,

like maybe a miner with a rich claim.

Well, don'’t look at me, I'’m too ugly and "igornant."

Now, Coyle, he'’s a regular Casanova.

He knows all about women

and all that.

Oh, hush up. I'’m just as ugly as you are,

and I ain'’t got no smarts, neither.

Oh, relax, you'’re both too old.

Old?

Old!

No, we need a man-- a man about 45.

Handsome,

well-educated, a smooth talker.

You thinkin'’ what I'’m thinkin'?

I'’m thinkin' he'’d be perfect.

Well, not perfect, but he'’ll sure do.

[ chuckling ]

Who you talkin'’ about?

Henry...

Oh, no, no--

no, not me.

I absolutely refuse.

There is no way.

No, no, I told you-- No!

No!

Yancey, my friend,

you make the tastiest Irish stew

in Alder Gulch.

How about some more? There'’s plenty here.

No thanks, I'’m full.

Unless, perhaps,

you wouldn'’t happen to have a wee piece of pie?

If I did, I'’d sure be eatin'’ it myself.

Um, I hear Miss Lucinda'’s cut you off.

[ chuckles ] Merely a temporary maneuver

to enmesh me in the coils of crude labor.

The way we got it, she'’s passin' out the pie

to Henry LeBaron now.

Gossip, my friend, gossip.

Foul prevarication.

Well, never mind that now. How about that play?

Let'’s hear the end of it.

Very well.

Gentlemen, lend me your ears.

This is the final act of that horrendous tragedy,

Macbeth.

The action takes place in that old castle,

in the anteroom at Dunsinane.

Hey, there he is, Coyle,

I wonder what he'’s readin' today.

Don'’t make no nevermind. We ain'’t here to listen

to no stories.

Now, slip your arm through mine.

Move closer,

and smile up at me.

Like this?

Yes, that'’s fine.

DAN: "Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

"creeps in this petty pace from day to day,

"to the last syllable of recorded time,

"and all our yesterdays have lighted fools

"the way to dusty death.

"Out, out, brief candle!

"Life is but a walking shadow,

"a poor player that struts

"and frets his hour upon the stage

"and then is heard no more.

It is a tale told by an idiot--"

Gentlemen,

I'’m afraid I'’ll have to finish

this soliloquy later.

There is some business of great urgency

I must attend to.

Come on, this could be better than Macbeth.

Whoa, whoa!

Down from there,

you storekeeper!

Oh, what the devil--

Dan Mickleson, you go away!

You keep out of this! Back to your kitchen!

Now, look here, you!No, I'’ll teach you

to practice your French wiles on my lady.

Oh, for the love of mud!

Dan, stop it!

Be quiet, my lady!

I'’m only going to thrash him.

On your feet, you blaggard!

Why, you silly loafer!

Ah!

Stop that!Hey, you!

And now, my fairest Lucinda,

Don'’t you speak to me, you beast!

But, my dear! My sweet!

I was only defending your virtue!

You best leave her alone.

Yeah, she'’s found a man who can support her.

But I can, I will.

Oh, yeah, you can read her them stories.

You better get away from here, old man,

or we'’ll swat you like a fly.

But, gentlemen,

You'’re making an grievous error.

Lucinda loves me!

Someday, I'’ll find me a goldmine.

You'’ll see.

You'’ll all see.

Oh.

Oh, now that, that is a lie.

I'’d have demolished him,

if it hadn'’t been for that woman

clubbing me from behind.

Sure you would, Henry.

Well, it'’s the truth!

Oh, of course it is.

She must have hit you with that little stick

three, four, times.

Little stick?

Why, that club was at least a foot thick, at least!

Oh, yeah, at least.

It serves me right for listening

to you two lunatics

in the first place.

You didn'’t want Miss Lucinda to get mad and move away

no more than we did.

Well, anyway, that'’s settled for now.

Dan did go to work, didn'’t he?

Oh, yeah.

Went to work all right, got hisself a job

helping Yancey that very same day.

Thank heavens for that.

And got fired the next morning

when Yancey found him readin'’ instead of shovelin'’.

Oh, no!

It appears to me you'’re gonna have to come up

with somethin'’ new, Henry.

Yep.

Somethin'’ that'll really work this time.

Now, look, if you two think I'’m gonna get mixed up

with that pair again,

you'’re a few bricks short of a load.

I just thought you'’d like to have a chance

to get even with old Dan, you know.

Ah!

I reckon some fellas don'’t mind bein' whooped.

Yeah.

You know, it kind of irritated me

the way old Dan was braggin'’

how he stomped Henry for cozyin'’ up to his lady friend.

He what?

Why, that Irish pip-squeak,

I'’ll take him apart corpuscle by cor--

It wouldn'’t hurt him nearly as much,

if you made him go to work.

Yeah.

You know, Dan gets by without working

because the miners feed him

in order to hear his stories.

Now, suppose those same miners

should get mad at him.

[ chuckles ]

You know, Dan hasn'’t had a taste of pie

in about three weeks,

and Miss Lucinda'’s bakin'’ pie tomorrow.

You got it?

You know, Dan'’s always wanted a gold mine.

Oh, yeah.

Well, we'’re gonna see that he gets one

and that he works it. Now, listen.

Miss Lucinda, Miss Lucinda!

Come quick, Coyle'’s been hurt!

Well, I can'’t come right now.

HENRY: But you'’ve gotta come. He needs you!

LUCINDA: Aye, I'’ll come!

Hey, stop! Thief!

Stop! Come back here!

Please stop him! He stole that pie!

Please, fellows,

I had no intention.

It'’s only a little pie.

COYLE:Dan Mickleson, this here Miner'’s Court

has found you guilty of stealin'’ a dried peach pie

from Miss Lucinda MacPherson.

But it was only a wee little pie.

COYLE: Hush up.

It is the sentence of this here Court,

that for the next six months,

you work, or you don'’t eat.

Now, we'’ve marked you out a claim up there,

on the side of that hill.

Now, Mr. Briscoe,

you will hand the prisoner his pick.

Yes, sir, Mr. Coyle.

But there'’s no gold on that hillside.

If you don'’t work, you don'’t eat.

But for six months?

Every day of it,

and there'’s gonna be someone right here

all the time to see that you don'’t do no loafing.

Gentlemen,

Gentlemen, this is inhuman.

My poor back.

The sentence starts right now, so get!

I won'’t. I won'’t!

Maybe he'’d rather we strung him up by his thumbs

for a few days.

ALL:Yeah.

Or we could tie him to a couple of mules.

Enough, enough. I'’ll work!

That'’s the spirit!

Who knows? You might strike it rich!

[ laughter ]

[ laughter ]

Come on, put your back into it, harder!

BRISCOE: That'’s the spirit!

Well, now what'’s wrong?

There'’s gold. Gold!

What?

DAN: I struck a vein!

Look! I'’m rich!

[ laughs ]

I'’m rich!

[ chuckles ] The biggest strike in Alder Gulch,

and we had to give it to him.

Yeah, and then he sells it and takes Miss Lucinda away

for good.

I think I may cut my throat.

Well, no more pies for us.

Hey, wait, Coyle.

I heard there'’s a woman over in White Flats

who makes wonderful pies. Oh?

Yeah, now all we have to do is figure out

how to get her over here.

She takes over Miss Lucinda'’s place,

and then--

Oh, but that would take a lot of tall schemin'’.

Well, what we gotta do is get a fella,

you know, a gentleman type fella.

Oh, no.

Oh, no you two don'’t.

Now, I got beat up once--

[ chattering ]

So, it happened in Alder Gulch,

where thousands of hardworking miners

toiled and searched for the pot of gold,

and one man'’s laziness and his hunger for pie

led him to an incredible fortune.

Strange? Yes, but true.