Original subtitles

** [ trumpet ]

If ever a period in American History blossomed

with colorful characters, it was the days of the Old West.

The new land, with its patch quilt make-up,

seemed to welcome those cut

from the gaudiest pieces of cloth.

Of these, none was more unique

than Frank Ball, who suddenly arrived

in Los Angeles one day with...

Hey there!

You wouldn't be, uh, Pete Rohrer, would you?

That's me. Well, I'm told that you run the best livery stable in town.

You understand right.

I'm Frank Ball.

And uh, I got this stallion that, uh--

that I'd like to stable with you a couple of weeks.

Well, no problem there.

Well, now, there might be.

This is no ordinary animal.

Well, come on in and tell me about it.

Now, what's so special about this critter of yours?

Well, for the time being, you'll just have to

take my word for it.

But he is different.

If you say so.

[ horse snorts ]

There is, um-- There's one other thing.

The animal has got to have complete privacy.

Is that so?

Well, son, you're in the wrong pew.

You better take that fancy critter of yours

over to the hotel and get it a room.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm busy. I--

Now, uh, about expenses.

I realize that special accommodations cost extra.

Would uh, $20 in advance be satisfactory?

Well, uh, what kind of privacy you got in mind

for this pet of yours?

[ sighs ]

[ water running ]

Well, if we could have a partition up, about this high.

Canvas all right?

Fine.

Just as long as no one can see in the stall.

[ chuckles ]

That sure must be some horse you got.

He sure is.

Well, come on. I'll get you a receipt.

Oh, hello, honey. I didn't hear you come in.

Say, did it go any better today?

It's like pulling teeth to get a contribution from most of them.

Really, dad, it's so--

[ softly ] Dad?

Oh! [ chuckles ]

Anne, this here's Mr. Bell.

Uh, "Ball." Frank Ball.

Yes, that's right.

Howdy! Going to be in town long?

Well, I'm not sure.

This money, what are you collecting it for?

An orphanage. Would you believe a town this large doesn't have an orphanage?

Well, uh-- It's true!

The gospel truth. I know, it's hard to believe.

But people don't care!

I mean it. They really don't care!

You don't really believe that, do you?

It never fails!

You start Anne talking about the donations,

and right off, she's in a horn-tossin' mood. [ cackles ]

Well, now, maybe this will help her a little.

Oh, thank you! Thank you very much!

It-It looks like a dollar! No, it's--

Uh, it's only five dollars.

[ horse snorting ] Five dollars!

Why, folks around here wouldn't know that kind of generosity

if they fell over it!

Thank you!

Well, maybe you just don't know the first thing about fundraising.

And I suppose you do?

Well, I know better than to go around waving a pickle jar under people's noses

if I wanted them to contribute.

And what makes you think I go around wavin' it?

Well, the fact that I can see it.

You put pickles in a pickle jar,

not money.

You gotta give people something for their money.

You have to arouse their interest

and tickle their curiosity.

You do that first, and you have them

bringing their contributions to you,

and you won't have to go waltzing around town

with your pickle jar.

Oh, what conceit!

What towering conceit!

My, she does get riled up.

[ Mr. Rohrer ] She was born with her bristles up.

Uh, as long as I'm in town, I'd be glad to give you

the benefit of my experience in these matters.

No thank you, Mr. Ball. I am quite capable

of handling the contributions without your help.

[ laughs ] I just love that girl's fire!

Well, here's your receipt. Now, when do you figure on bringing the animal in?

Mm, sometime this evening. After dark.

Would you tell me when? You know, I don't make this livery stable my home.

Well, is 8:00 all right? Well...

I guess it'll have to be.

Oh, by the way, would you have some, uh,

some fresh straw in the stall before evenin'?

Pete. Pete! Open up!

[ soft neighing ]

You're late. Get in.

I hope you won't mind. After all Dad told me,

I just had to see what all the fuss was about.

So, this is the animal you been talking about?

It is.

I think the canvas is gonna work out all right.

You must have misunderstood him, Dad.

Couldn't have meant this horse.

Well I did.

A broken-down stallion?

And an ancient one, at that.

[ clicks tongue ] [ slaps ]

Well, now, looks are deceptive.

In that stall is...

beyond a doubt, one of the most remarkable

pieces of horseflesh in the world today.

It's hard to believe.

You mean impossible.

Why, Mr. Ball?

Why such arrangements for that horse?

Well, you weren't paying attention this afternoon.

The idea is to first tickle the curiosity.

Good evening, folks.

Will that about do it? Yeah, I think so.

Read it back to me. You know, I've had a lot of odd advertisements

in this paper, but this one takes the cake.

It is a little unusual.

Uh, would you mind reading it back to me?

"World's Greatest Swimming Horse now in Los Angeles."

Now, that's to be in large type across the top.

Right?

[ sighs ] "On June 15,

the world-famous horse, Hippopotamus--"

You did say "hippopotamus"?

Uh, yes. Yes.

"Hippopotamus will swim from San Pedro

"to Santa Catalina Island and back.

"The public is invited to attend this great

"aquatic event free of charge.

Prior to this performance, the famed animal--"

Uh, would you make that, "the famed seahorse"?

"...famed seahorse." [ sighs ]

"...the famed seahorse will be on exhibition

"at Peter Rohrer's Livery Stable.

"One and all are invited to see and examine

"this extraordinary animal.

"Satisfy yourself that in appearance, Hippopotamus

is no different than any other horse."

You need a bracket there, son.

Let's see. Oh, yeah.

"There will be a small admission charge

"of 50 cents; tickets on sale at the livery,

or at most of your local merchants."

Yeah. That oughta do it.

You really got such a horse?

Why, the one and only.

Well, this one I got to see myself.

Well, I think it's customary for the press to get a couple of free tickets.

Much obliged. My pleasure.

And uh, if you have a mind to write a little news article

about the event, well, I-- I won't be annoyed.

I'll see what I can do.

Now, uh, make it a full-page ad,

and run it all till the end of the week.

Yes, sir. Now, that's gonna run you...

uh-- yes, sir, that's going to cost you $18.

Oh, yeah.

By the way, you wouldn't mind taking your pay in tickets, would you?

Oh, I don't feel that they--

Now, uh, here's $20 worth of tickets.

That's uh, $18 for the ad, and a nice profit of $2.

What do you say? Well, I don't know--

All right, then. It's a pleasure to do business with you.

A pleasure, sir!

Now why did I do that?

Mr. Blackwood. Excuse my bad manners.

But I just couldn't let you get away.

[ chuckles ] It isn't often you and that jar let me escape!

[ laughs ] You're one of the few people

I can count on for a little something.

Well, not today, I'm afraid.

Spent the last of my pocket money for a ticket

to see that Wonder Horse.

Oh.

Yes, I guess it don't hurt your dad's business none,

having a celebrity like that in his stables?

Celebrity? What are you talking about?

The swimming horse. You know, "The World's Greatest Swimming Horse!"

Oh, no!

Fifty centavos. One half a dollar

buys you a look at the swimmingest horse in the world.

Come on, folks, and see the horse that thinks he's a fish.

Thank you, Charlie. Now you go over and stand there with the others.

And tell them as soon as I've sold another ticket,

I'll take 'em and show 'em the seahorse.

Now, come on, neighbors-- the chance of a lifetime

to see Hippopotamus, the horse that swims like he had fins!

Ah, thank you, sir. There you are. Join the others.

All right, folks. Now this is what you paid to see!

Dad, Dad! Wait a minute!

Folks, just go straight in back.

It's the stall with the canvas around it,

and I'll be right with you.

Now, what do you want, daughter? What's going on?

And where did you learn to talk like that?

Oh, you mean that sale talk I gave 'em?

Say, that wasn't bad for an old livery man, if I do say so myself.

Dad, I just don't understand.

What are you doing?

I'm selling 'em tickets to see Mr. Ball's seahorse.

And I'm making more money than I could in a week of Sundays

at the livery stable! But we don't know anything about him, or his horse.

I know all that needs knowin'. Now I've got people waiting.

Mr. Ball. You're usin' my father, and I want it to stop!

My, that sun is relaxin'.

Did you hear what I said?

Stop using my father to dupe the townsfolk.

"Using your father"? And "dupe the townsfolk"?

My, that does sound serious. I mean it.

You want me to tell you the real reason that you're in such a snorty mood?

It's because my ticket-selling activity

has probably cut into your fundraising, and--

You know there's only so much pocket money to be had.

And your horse is taking it all up!

Well, now, maybe you've just had an off day.

Now, why don't you go wash off that war paint,

and uh-- and we'll take a buggy ride.

[ door opens ]

For the orphans?

For the orphanage?

Excuse me. For the orphanage?

Is she always that persistent?

Hardly a night she doesn't worry at least one or two customers

out of here with that jar.

I'll bet if she was a man, she'd take on anyone that didn't donate.

[ chuckles ]

I suppose you find this all very amusing.

What's that, Anne?

Mr. Ball finds it funny that his horse show

is taking up every free dime in town.

[ chuckles ] I uh, I hear they really been turning out

to look at that critter.

Tell him how you feel about it, Harlan. Go on, Harlan.

Not now, Anne. Go on. It's all right.

Tell him straight out, like you told me.

Pay attention, Mr. Ball.

It's time you heard what the honest folks think

about this sort of thing.

Oh, I'm all ears.

Well, speak up! You're among friends.

Better give me a couple more tickets, Harlan.

My boys are after me to take 'em.

And what tickets might those be?

To see the swimming horse!

I bet you sold a whole slug of 'em, ain't ya?

Much obliged. Oh, evening, folks.

Now, uh, about that honest opinion?

Anne, I can explain.

You don't have to explain anything.

Oh, go on, let him.

I know how you feel, Anne, but he offered such a good deal

on ticket sales, I--

Well, you understand.

I couldn't pass it up.

Mr. Ball has a way of offering good deals.

No, I'm-- I'm really not the villain that you make me out.

You'll have to prove it to me.

All right. Now you pack a lunch tomorrow,

and I'll take you picnicking.

My fiancé might have something to say about that.

Fiancé? Well, congratulations.

And felicitations!

What Anne means is that we've been going together

so long that, uh-- [ coughs ]

folks take it for granted that we're going to, uh...

we're gonna marry.

Well, uh, I'm glad to hear that.

And I'll have something to say about that, too.

I'll never understand you. Never.

Well, with the big event tomorrow, I just want

Hippopotamus to look his best.

Be serious for once in your life.

You know that horse can't swim!

Well, what are you gonna do when the folks find out?

You're a worrier, Anne. Everything's gonna be all right.

Everything is not... going to be all right.

Will you stop that?

I'm-I'm sorry, Anne, I-I never knew it mattered that much to you.

It does.

What's going to happen to you when that horse sinks in San Pedro Harbor?

Aw, he's not gonna sink.

He's not even gonna get wet.

What does that mean?

[ sighs ] Please! Tell me, Frank!

I've been sick with worry!

All right. But I know I shouldn't.

There'll be an announcement tomorrow that--

that the big event's been called off.

You see, tonight, uh...

my horse is gonna be stolen.

What? I've made arrangements to have the horse stolen

later tonight--

Oh, I'll make a big fuss about it,

maybe even offer a reward for his return.

I knew it. I knew it all along.

That horse can't swim a stroke.

Well, in a few days everyone will have forgotten

there ever was a swimming horse.

What about the people you hoodwinked?

What about them? What about 'em?

Nobody got hurt. Not for 50 cents, they didn't.

Frank, it's dishonest-- Anne!

Let's drop it. It's done, and there's no changing it.

[ angry sigh ]

You know I got to take care of the customers.

You know this is more important!

I told ya, I'll take care of it!

I know, but it has to be done without exposing Mr. Ball.

I don't want him to get in trouble on my account!

It's as good as done! Now go on home and forget about it.

Thanks.

[ crickets ]

Who are those men? And what are they doing with rifles?

We're gonna do this my way, Anne.

They're gonna be on guard. Guard against what?

Anyone stealing Mr. Ball's horse.

No, no! That's no good!

He has to pretend to have the horse stolen.

If he doesn't, he's bound to be found out!

Figure he has it coming.

I see. Now, you do know what'll happen.

I told you! Your big chance to be the town hero.

Why not? Besides,

I didn't like his way with you.

Then tell him so, but don't go getting him arrested!

I'm sorry, Anne, but I'm not taking the guards off.

[ exasperated sigh ]

[ whispering ] Frank, you're gonna hate me.

[ whispering ] I just heard! Believe me, I'm sorry.

I had no idea this was gonna happen!

All right, I believe you. You're sorry.

What am I gonna do? [ sighs ]

Best bring him out, Frank!

What's happening? Why all these people?

I guess we're all here for the same reason.

Waiting for Mr. Ball to come out with his Wonder Horse.

This is the big day, girl.

I know. [ Harlan ] We're waitin', Mr. Ball!

Time for your horse to do his stuff!

Are you satisfied? I only did what I thought right.

And what's going to happen to him

when they find out they've been hoodwinked?

It's time we found out.

Hey, in there!

You bringin' that horse out, or do we come in and help ya?

[ crowd ] Yeah.

Hello, folks! I got a little announcement to make.

No speeches! We came here to watch that horse swim!

Well, now, that's what I want to tell you.

This horse couldn't swim the length of a water trough.

[ crowd ] What? You sayin' we been cheated?

Well-- Now, now, please hear me out.

Go on, Frank. Say your piece.

Well, now, uh--

Now you all know your town's need for an orphanage.

And you all know the shameful way

that you've contributed to Anne's efforts to change this.

What's that got to do with you cheatin' these folks out of their money?

Well, if you shut up, Harlan, maybe he'll tell us!

Well, now, uh, I may be wrong, but...

I figured you folks wouldn't mind a laugh on yourselves

if it was for a good cause.

Now, here's the money taken in from the ticket sales.

I was hoping to give it to Anne for the orphanage.

But...

we don't want to have any hard feelings,

so, if anybody wants their money back,

just... step up.

Thank you, Mr. Ball.

I had no idea you were so civic-minded.

Or that you could talk your way out of this.

It was my pleasure.

Oh, Mr. Ball?

Why don't you stay in town a while longer?

It's our schools. They're terribly inadequate.

And I could use the services of a...

talented fund-raiser.

Frank Ball did not change his ways,

nor did he marry the liveryman's daughter.

He left the City of the Angels a few weeks later,

and for almost two decades,

we find numerous accounts of his unique enterprises

in the pages of California history.

Next week, another true story from our Western past.