Original subtitles

♪ [ trumpet ]

In the 1880s, there was more than gold in the Black Hills of Dakota.

There were gold hunters and gold thieves

and killers, both red and white.

It was a raw, violent land where the only law came in calibers.

Took a special breed of rugged individualists to live in the Black Hills.

Not all of them wore beards and chewed tobacco.

There was one, for example, who was small and female.

Mrs. Dave Madison, who was known affectionately as...

Aw, Sage, honey, I hate leaving you alone like this,

but I need Harve with me to help with the heavy loading.

Oh, I can manage Harve'’s chores just fine.

You need him more than I do.

You'’re a freighter. That'’s your business.

Go on. Don'’t you worry about me.

Well, we'’re gonna be gone all day. What if some Injuns show up?

Well, there'’s plenty of white men worse than they are.

Aw, now, quit worrying. I got your rifle.

And, you know, around here someplace I got that old pistol of yours.

Oh, yeah, "someplace, someplace." 100-to-1 you don'’t know where.

[ chuckles ] I know the crazy places you hide things.

Probably stuck in the oven or in some old boot.

Well, I'’m not gonna be needing it anyway.

You go on. You got a lot of stops to make.

Yeah.

Aw. [ chuckles ]

Yeah, well, it'’s getting late.

Go on. Here'’s your food. I don'’t want you two getting hungry.

I worry about you, too, you know.

Aw, my little Sage Hen!Okay. Come on. Put me down.

You pick the darnedest times to get mushy. Now go on. I got my washing to do.

All right.

Oh, and here'’s my list. I want you to pick up these things for me.

And tell Mr. Sampson I want some lean sow belly this time.

Last piece was so fat I couldn'’t use it. Right.

Sage, you will be careful?

Keep that rifle handy.

Don'’t worry about me. Take care of your own self.

Ya hear?Right.

All right. Come on, Harve.

Just what do you think you'’re doing?

I'’m chucking rocks at jackrabbits.

I almost hit one with the second one. Watch.

Stop it!

What'’d you do that for?

Fine road agent you are.

Why don'’t you send up a few smoke signals,

let everybody know we'’re up here?

Well, I'’ll tell you, Mr. Beaumont.

I'’m tired of sitting on this hill,

watching that road, and nobody coming.

Well, I'’m a little bored myself.

Then why don'’t we ride to town, have a few drinks and get something to eat?

Because it'’s too far. Stagecoach is due this afternoon.

We don'’t wanna miss it. Might even be carrying a gold shipment.

Now, if you'’re so hungry, there'’s some jerky in my saddlebag.

Jerky? I'’ll give you a fact, Beau.

I'’d sooner starve to death than eat any more of that petrified shoe leather.

Hey, I got an idea.

Really?Yeah.

This I have to hear.

We don'’t have to go back into town.

Remember that cabin we passed this morning about two miles back?

We can ride down there and get a good hot cooked meal.

I suppose we could do that.

And we could be back here in time to hit the stage.

Why not? I could stand a decent meal myself.

And, uh, have some fun?

Sure. And some fun too.[ laughs ]

Get the horses.

Hold it, Harve.Whoa.

A little worried, huh, Dave?

Yeah, a little. You know, I never left her alone before.

Aah, she'’ll be all right.

What can happen?

Yeah. What can happen? Let'’s go.

Ah, there it is.

Hey, it looks like she'’s alone.

It'’s hard to tell. Let'’s find out.

[ pleasant voice ] Good morning, madam.Morning.

My name is Beaumont. John Marion Beaumont.

And this is my friend Jim Clegg.

I wonder if we might talk to your husband.

He'’s gone freighting to Sydney.

That'’s kind of dangerous, isn'’t it?

A pretty woman out here all alone like this?

Well, it frets him some.

Mrs., uh--Madison.

My pleasure.

We'’re terribly sorry to bother you, but my friend and I are hungry,

and we were hoping you might be able to resolve that problem for us.

Well, I can give ya a hunk of sow belly

and a handful of dried beans.

I'’m afraid you don't understand, Mrs. Madison.

We'’re just a couple of poor bachelors,

and we don'’t know very much about cooking.

Now, if you'’d be so kind as to fix it for us, we can pay you.

I'’m afraid I can'’t do that just now.

I gotta finish my washing.

Dear lady, I think your wash is all finished.

[ chuckles ]

So it seems.

That wasn'’t very nice.

No, that wasn'’t very nice.

You'’ll have to forgive Clegg. He'’s just a big, compulsive boy sometimes.

Yes, he is big.

I think you'’d better start preparing our repast, Mrs. Madison.

Like I said, all I got'’s some sour belly and dried beans

and light bread and coffee.

That'’s hardly food for a gourmet,

but even beans can taste good to a hungry man.

I'’ll just finish picking up my clothes.

[ unpleasant voice ] Forget the clothes.

Clegg, you better check the house first for guns.

Ah, you bet.

[ laughs ]

Ahh.

[ coughs ] Ooh, a great day in the mornin'’.

All right. Bring her in.

[ laughs ]

[ exhales forcefully ]

Here. Lookie what I found. And that'’s all there was.

That'’s my husband'’s whiskey!

Was, lady, was. It'’s all mine now.

Don'’t you mean "ours"?

Oh, sure, Beau. Of course.

[ coughs ]

Pour me.

You get busy.

CLEGG: Yeah, watch that. It'’ll pucker your toenails.

[ grunting ]

W--I told you to get busy, my dear.

Hmm? Oh, yes.

You weren'’t listening.

[ grunts ]

My dear, you must listen and do exactly as we say,

or that pretty face of yours won'’t be pretty anymore, understand?

Yes.

Well, now, if you'’ll fix us up with the best meal you can make,

we'’ll all be good friends.

[ huffs ]

My dear,

your husband has terrible taste in whiskey.

[ food sizzling in pan ]

[ sputters ]

[ sighs ]

BEAUMONT: Coffee ready yet?

Not quite.

Mr. Beaumont, this ain'’t gonna be much of a meal,

but I got some beans growing out yonder I could fix up if you'’d like.

Well, that sounds very pleasant, indeed, my dear.

Just to make sure that you don'’t do anything foolish like trying to run away,

uh, Clegg will go with you to help you pick '’em.

[ laughs ] Delighted, my dear.

And I'’ll take this along in case we get thirsty.

How about you, Beau?Oh, no, thank you.

I'’ll wait for the coffee.[ chuckles ]

[ laughing ]

[ laughing ]

Ahh!

[ coughs ]

You know, honey, uh, Mr. Beaumont'’s a mighty bad man.

Be kind of smart if you'’d be friendly with me.

Why is that?

Well... [ chuckles ]

I-- I could protect you if I felt like it, if you'’re nice to me.

Mr. Clegg, you couldn'’t protect me from a mean-tempered jackrabbit.

Why, you...

Watch out. Your whiskey'’s spilling.

Aw...

Well, that was real cute, honey.

Now I think I'’ll have a couple of kisses to make up for it.

Stop struggling!

Ohh! Oh, you little--Clegg, let her go!

But she--I said let her go!

You could stand a bath, but I intend to drink some of that coffee.

Go ahead and finish preparing dinner, my dear.

[ coughs ]

[ coughing ]

[ coughs ]

[ coughs ]

Now, Harve, one more stop, and we head for home.

We oughta be there by suppertime.Suits me.

Your missus sure has a way with beans and sow belly. Mm!

Yeah. I hope she made out all right alone.

[ grunts ]

Aah, she probably didn'’t even know you was gone.

No, not Sage. She'’s helpless without a man around to think for her.

Yeah, maybe so. But she don'’t need nobody

to tell her how to brew a right dandy cup of coffee.

Yeah. Well, that she does,

and with no help.

[ grunts ] Giddyap!

[ food sizzling ]

Ahh! That'’s wonderful coffee, my dear.

Wonderful. More, please.

Mr. Clegg?No. No more for me.

Hey, dinner about ready?

Good beans take time. I'’m fixing yours real special.

How about some of that light bread while we'’re waiting?

Catch.

I'’m sorry. You want a knife?

[ together ] No!

Forget about the knife, my dear.

Mm. That'’s just about right.

Gentlemen,

I think this is gonna be a meal you'’re gonna remember.

Well, if it'’s as good as your coffee...

[ clicks ]

Eat hearty, boys. You got a lot of work to do.

I'’m not gonna eat this slop.

[ gunshot ]

Darned old pistol always did shoot high.

High?

All right, now, gentlemen.

Just put those temptations on the table.

Let me have your guns.

You first, Mr. Fancy-Pants.

On the table.

Come on.

That'’s a good boy. Now, Mr. Clegg,

put your gun on the table.

Obey her, you fool. She'’s crazy enough to shoot.

Guess I'’ll just have to.

Uh, no, wait. I...

[ mutters ]

There.

Thank you. Now let me have your knife.

Thank you.

I would'’ve hated to have to spoil your dinner.

[ door opens ]

Surely you don'’t expect us to actually eat this mess?

Oh, yes, I do. Every last smidgeon of it.

And, Mr. Clegg, you just divide it up.

Half and half on each plate.

[ lock clicking ]

Oh, it ain'’t gonna bother you, boys.

It'’s just a little sow belly,

beans and dyed dockweed,

flavored with a little soap and castor oil.

It'’ll do you a world of good.

Mrs. Madison, we can'’t eat this.

Mr. Beaumont, you clean up that plate.

Now, I'’ll take it as an insult if you don'’t.

And mad as I am,

you wouldn'’t wanna go insulting my cooking?

No, boys.

You wouldn'’t wanna do that.

[ coughs ]

Ahh. Well, that'’s it, Harve boy.

Now what'’s the matter, Dave?

Oh, it'’s probably nothing, but it just crossed my mind.

If Sage did need that gun, she'’d probably be scared to use it.

You never taught her to shoot?

Oh, yeah, I tried, but she'’s scared to death of guns.

Can'’t stand any kind of violence.

Aw, I guess everything'’s all right. Let'’s hightail her for home.

Giddyap.Come on. Giddyap.

No, no, no. Not like that.

Come on. Scrub. You gotta put your back into it.

I can'’t, Mrs. Madison.

I'’m too sick.[ coughing ]

You'’ll be a lot sicker. Go on. Scrub.

[ gasps ] Ooh.

[ coughing continues ]

That'’s right. That'’s the way to do it.

[ coughing continues ]

You'’re looking a might poorly fella.

Maybe I oughta just...[ clicks ]

Oh, no.

No, I-I-I'’m-- I'm fine.

I-I-- I'’m fine.

Good. That'’s right.

That'’s what it takes to get a washing clean--

plenty of soap and hard work.[ both breathing heavily ]

A joke is a joke, but this is inhuman.

We can'’t work in this condition.

Wanna bet your life on it?

Please, Mrs. Madison. Please let us go.

I told you we have money. We'’ll pay for any damages.

My dears, you are paying.

Go on. Get back to your scrub board, you imitation villain.

Shoo! Go on! Go on!

Ooh!But I--

Now, you just hush. Pick up the clothesline, fix it.

Then I want you to hang up the clean clothes.

When you get through with that, I think you'’d just better spell the scrubwoman a bit.

She'’s looking a might poorly.

You know, boys, I don'’t think ya eat right.

Scrub. Come on. Scrub.

[ coughing ]

Aw, come on, Mr. Clegg. You can do better than that.

This is inhuman.

That'’s right. Tie it up.

Come on, boys. Mush.[ groaning ]

[ coughing ]

Ohh... [ grunts ]

All right. It'’s finished. Now can we go?

Now, you gentlemen don'’t wanna be riding off till you do the rest of your chores.

You still got the cabin to do.

The cabin?

Well, now, it ain'’t gonna take long,

two big strong fellas like you.

[ kicks thudding ]Oh, no! No!

Mr. Beaumont, you know something? It just struck me.

I don'’t think you two gentlemen are in the right profession.

I don'’t think you're cut out to be big, bad men.

You ain'’t got the stomach for it.

All right. Come on.

Only way with chores is to get '’em on with.

On your feet.

No.

[ gun clicks ]I refuse.

I'’m not going to do another thing. No.

No. We'’re not gonna do nothing no more.

Nothing.

Real cooked food, fun.

You had to hit her.

No. Uh-uh.

Well, it ain'’t good, but it ain'’t bad.

I guess you all are done. You can go now.

Hold it.

Now what?

You ain'’t gonna run off without paying me for that good food?

[ together ] Food?

Be a dollar apiece. Just put it on the table.

Not so fast.

That'’ll be another dollar for all that whiskey.

Now?Just run along.

Any time you boys get hungry, you come back.

Bye, boys.

Sage, doggone it, you mean to tell me that you-- that they--

that all by yourself, you--Oh, Dave, now, come on.

Quit your fussing. No harm'’s done.

Yeah, but they-- I mean, did they try to--

Well, I think they kind of had that in mind.

But, you know, the funny thing is,

they just forgot all about it after they ate.

Yeah, well, that ain'’t no surprise. That must'’ve been some meal.

Only, Sage, look, that-- that was dangerous,

keeping them around here like that.

Now, why didn'’t you just run '’em off?

Well, they made me mad.

Two big grown outlaws like that trying to push me around

just '’cause I was a helpless female.

[ laughing ]

For the men who lived in the Black Hills of Dakota,

the story of Sage Madison had a very practical moral:

No matter how hungry you got,

it just didn'’t pay to mess around with a Sage Hen.

See you next week when we recount another story of the Old West.