Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language.

OK, here we go. Holiday!

LOUD RAP MUSIC BLARES Absolutely not, Rachel. No.

That's not my playlist. Sam, what have you done? It's not me!

Well, Amy. Can you stop it, please? I'm just posting something!

Un-Bluetooth your phone! Untether. Just get it off the hi-fi.

Untether, hon. Robin, are you all right back there?

Do you need a wee-wee or something?

No, I just can't find the thing for my belt, the hub.

Just hold it in, Robin. I don't need a wee-wee.

The seat belt, just sort of pull it taut and hold it in place.

Yeah, that's not going to save his life if we crash, though, is it?

Fine. Probably for the best, anyway. Oh, Robin, come on.

Not again, please. We're on holibobs! Let's all sing along.

LOUD RAP MUSIC Sing along?!

How can we sing along to this?

Well, obviously, I was expecting something else.

Amy! Untether your phone!

I had to put it away, it was making me car sick. Well, do this first!

Quickly! So you want me to throw up, then, do you?

This hand san is absurdly gunky. It won't go away!

I need a wee-wee now, actually.

Oh, no! Well, this is your fault for bringing it up.

My bladder's very suggestible.

Now, listen, just turn around and go back. No!

No, we've literally just left! Oh, come on!

We've been waiting all year for this holiday!

Can we at least just get off our road?

Oh, my God, fire! Rachel! Fire! No, I've been vaping again.

Oh, Robin, can you at least open a window back there, please, mate?

Oh, for God's sake! Oh, my God. It's unbearably fruity.

It's watermelon, yeah. Sorry, the windows don't open back here.

Can you pop your seat belt on as well?

God, it says untethered, why am I not tethered?

I hate this bloody car! Maybe we should just pop back, hon. No!

Sort it out. Yeah, waft out the watermelon!

I'm genuinely going to throw up!

Oh, I've just spilt hand san all over my trousers! Oh, all right!

TYRES SCREECH/RAP MUSIC BLARES

Are you good? I'm filming, Dad. Cool.

The 2020 Jessop family summer holiday to America is...

..booked!

We are flying premium economy, AKA metal cutlery,

to LAX airport in LA!

Did you get the flexi tickets? Er...

For another 20 quid each, you can change or cancel them. Well, no.

But that's... no need, actually. Because we're not going to cancel.

Are we? Yeah. And that's just a scam to make idiots pay more money.

So shall we do this again? Welcome to the 2020 Jessop family, ah, er...

Welcome to the 2020, er...

Stop saying "er"! Welcome to...

Welcome to the 2020 Jessop family summer holiday home video movie.

Oh, I got it right, I don't know why I stopped!

We have just booked our flights to Californ-i-ay, America!

We will be spending two nights in Disneyland, as requested by Sam.

Well, yeah, when I was six. All right.

And then on to Laguna Beach for surfing/Instagram fodder

for Amy and Maya here.

Provided, of course, you get straight As in your A-levels.

Because... Don't do that. We're filming!

And then, three days of hiking and rafting in Yosemite National Park!

Three days?

Yeah. Oh, I can't do three days on a raft, Paul.

I can barely do three minutes on a toilet!

DOORBELL RINGS

Well, you'll have your new hip by then, Mum.

You'll bloody scamper up those hills! Scamper? Yes, scamper.

Can someone get that? It's Uncle Robin and Cherry.

I haven't scampered since the late 1990s!

Someone, can you get the door? What does that even mean?

You have to specify who, Mum. Amy, can you get the door? I'm revising!

I don't understand... Well, then, Sam! No... Get the door.

Sam's helping me film my...

No, but it must be all out. Oh! Hello, hello! What's all this?

Filming! Put it away, will you, Spielberg? Steven Spielberg!

You really can't just film people without their permission,

you know, Sam. It's a form of assault. Sorry, Cherry! Hi, Robin.

Hi, Paul.

Sam's just filming some stuff for the family home holiday video.

Well, sort of. Dad's just hijacked my media studies coursework.

Oh yes, of course, the holiday! The American dream!

Still gutted you're going without me!

Well no, babe, because we'll be in Mauritius.

That'll be, no offence, Paul, far better! That's a good point, babe.

We'll be on our honeymoon by then, of course.

Busy having, well, it off! Apparently! Robin, don't.

No, I shouldn't have said that.

I shouldn't have said that in front of the camera. Or at all, probably.

On that subject, though, Paolo, quick question for you. Mm-hm?

No, not like that! Well, I've done it now.

Will you be my best man? Er...

We aren't even friends!

You are my friend! Slash brother-in-law.

You're a great friend. Yeah. And is Dean...? No, Dean's been vetoed.

Dean's a porn addict. Not addict, babe, just enthusiast. Is he?

What do you say?

Well, if you'd rather not do it,

Robin can just book someone from an agency.

Yeah. Which I'm loath to, if I'm honest.

They're very slick, apparently. Drama students, most of them.

Well, even so, babe,

I would still rather my best man was someone I knew!

Please! Please.

Please.

Er... Yeah! Yes, of course! Of course I will! Yes! Oh, yes!

Yes, he said yes! Oh! Oh! This calls for a drink, I think!

Champagne? Yes. Yes. Champagne for Cherry.

I think we might have some champagne.

Rach, we're celebrating, come on!

The Ciceroni espresso machines, are they on hire purchase as well?

They are? I'll have the Grandissimo, please.

Bueno! Oh, it's like opening a present, isn't it?

What's it going to be? A cork. It is a cork, yes. Again!

Sorry, just ordering supplies! Of course, the great cafe owner! Yeah.

What's the word for that? When do you open? Six weeks. Cafetiere.

Well, no, that's something else.

You're looking very crisp these days, Robin, I must say! Thank you!

Yeah. I finally got him doing Zumba, and he stopped smoking as well. Yes.

Haven't you? I have. I am a changed man, honestly, thanks to Cherry.

I jog, I listen to John Legend. I'm bloody loving it! Aw!

Now, listen, this is why you should get yourself a nice boy, Amy.

Yeah, completely. You know, I keep on telling her!

There are no nice boys, Granny. Do you not read the news?

Maybe if you wore more make-up. Yeah. Never give up, Amy. Honestly.

I never thought I'd meet anyone mad enough to marry me

until Cherry came along!

Why are you talking to her about getting married?

Don't get married young, any of you, please! You'll only regret it!

We got married young!

No, I know. And that was... great.

And I am glad we did! Yeah! Let's have a drink!

ALL CHEER

Actually, not for me, because I've got archery at one, so...

Well, no, the kids have. You just stand there handing out arrows.

Well, now, actually I do get involved sometimes.

Demonstrate my skills! Oh, what skills are they?

How to avoid winning a medal at the Olympics? Oh! That's not nice.

Sight adjustment. Muscle control. And I would have medalled

if the Koreans hadn't been so strong in '04.

I was the best archer in Great Britain, Cherry. I've told her!

Oh, wow. Out of, like, five people! OK, Amy, stop bullying Dad. 31.

Yeah. Grab a glass. Can I have one?

No, you can't. So, to us, everyone!

To 2020. To Paul's 45th. Old man!

And to Robin and Cherry's wedding!

The royal wedding! And to my new cafe!

And Amy, who's leaving for Manchester.

We've got so much to celebrate. Celebrate! OK, thanks!

No, celebrating you going to university,

not celebrating you leaving home!

Well, I am, to be fair! You're so funny! And, wait. My new hip.

Yes!

Sue's new hip!

And Sam, Sam's fine. Thanks. And to our dream holiday!

Finally. Yes! Oh, it's all coming together.

I mean, is no-one else worried about this virus from China?

That's just clickbait, dipshit. Yeah, Sam.

When you've been around as long as I have,

you realise these things are always a false alarm!

I haven't even got 5G on my phone, so I can't get it anyway. Yes.

So, Sam, don't be such a doomster.

Boris says it's going to be a fantastic year for Britain

and I, for one, believe him. Yeah. Here's to that. To 2020! To 2020!

Why have we stopped? This isn't Margate, is it?

Well, because we're sightseeing! And this is a sight.

So we should see it. Why is this handbrake so stiff?

I really do hate this car. It's a great car! Don't knock the car!

I love this car.

SHE SIGHS What is this thing, please?

Reculver towers.

It's an ancient Roman fortification slash medieval monastery.

How fascinating is that? Right. Yeah.

I guess being at uni right now would be rubbish as well.

What do you mean, as well? Ha!

Who needs Laguna Beach, eh? Amy?

No need for sun cream here. Yeah, in a bad way. No faff, though.

Is my point. We were meant to be swimming. Oh, you can still swim!

I'm sorry, what?

Auntie Jill used to swim in the sea every day of the year.

And she was in terrific shape!

Until... recently.

Yeah.

Yeah, you see, cold water swimming! That's good for depression.

Good for getting depression? No, for taking it away.

I saw a documentary about it by one of the van Tulleken twins.

Please, can you stop going on

about those disgustingly hunky doctor twins for five minutes?

OK, there's another lockdown.

Unbelievable. What? No!

What about tiers, I thought we were doing tiers?

No, no, no. No? Lockdown two starts next Thursday.

See, I said we shouldn't have tried to do a holiday now.

So do we just go home?

No, no! No. We're not going home.

Let's just press on for as long as we legally can.

Forget all that and enjoy Revolkan... Refunkle...

Reculver towers! Reculver towers! Come on!

Come on! We're on holiday!

It's good. Isn't it? I have actually been to Reculver Towers.

In 1971.

Ah! And I'll be honest, it wasn't worth it. OK, great. Thanks, Mum.

Yeah, well, they might have added stuff since then.

Oh, you reckon? Think there's a roller-coaster in there?

No, but they might have added

a multimedia, you know, presentation,

or expanded the gift shop.

Yeah, nobody buy anything from the gift shop, by the way.

Remember the budget, please.

You mean, remember how you've not made any money for six months?

Oh, ha-ha! Oh, look, it's another constructive comment from Amy, wow!

I might wait in the car, actually. Me too. What? Where are you going?

Robin! You're not going as well, are you? We're almost there now.

I mean, she's right. It's all my fault. No!

What with the plane tickets and the closing of the archery club.

No, no, no. This holiday is going to be great. For us.

We'll still get to relax, try out the, you know, gear.

Yeah, look, about that...

I...

I really...

I really love that you want to experiment with stuff. Mm. But...

I think I've maybe gone off the idea of using... the gear.

Right.

Right, well,

I wish I'd known that before squeezing it into the suitcase.

Leather is extremely difficult to fold, you realise?

Yeah, I just don't feel like I'm up to... dominating. Ooooh. Urgh.

You know, I'm happy for us to use the... rabbit toy thing. Shh!

Did you hear Sam?

HEAVY BREATHING/MOANING

OK...

Well, if this is what "normal people" are getting up to,

then I am missing out!

SHE CHUCKLES

MOANING CONTINUES

Sam, don't film this. You shouldn't even be watching this! Come on!

Right, come on, everyone. Back in the car! We need to get to Margate.

Robin?

All right, Robin?

Yeah, I'm fine, sis. Why?

Well, just, you're smoking in two different ways at once.

I'm a bit down about... You know.

Being jilted. Of course you are!

Oh, cheer up, Robin! We're on holiday!

Dad? Where did you pack my drone?

Oh, wow, look at that!

That's brilliant! Sam!

Down, down! Watch out!

ALL SHOUT

CHEERING AND CLAPPING

CLANGING OF POTS

Oh, just look at her. Any excuse to get her bloody cello out.

Why can't she just clap like everyone else? Well, here comes Rod.

Timing his run so he gets people applauding him. It's tragic!

Look, this is about supporting the NHS, OK?

Not slagging off the neighbours!

But, yeah, the man is an absolute penis, isn't he? Mm.

..technology. Everyone loves an app.

I think there are some privacy concerns, and I think

it's probably not going to change people's behaviour very much.

But good to have more in our arsenal, I suppose.

DOORBELL RINGS ..This is my favourite...

That'll be the toilet roll I ordered on Amazon!

A group of herd immunity... Paul!

Yeah, I'm on the phone to the airline.

Perhaps you could get it

instead of drooling over the van Tulleken twins?

I am not... I am not drooling.

I'm seeking out urgent medical advice. I'll go.

$90?

But the tickets were £750 each, mate!

No, I don't know how much that is in dollars, but it's more, isn't it?

Right. I'm not saying that coronavirus is the airline's fault.

I'm saying that it's not mine! No!

The flexi tickets weren't on the website!

They're not even going to open student bars. It's such a rip-off!

Yeah, you're paying for the course, you do realise, not the pubs?

I'm not paying nine grand a year to go to university online!

I'm not doing it! We'll just defer or something, right?

Granny's here again! Oh, for fuck... Because we're not allowed, Mum!

Oh, don't you start. You're worse than Russ! But we're in lockdown!

Political correctness gone mad! Hang on, Russ?

Your neighbour, Russ? The overweight diabetic?

Oh, well, there's no need to be rude!

Well, you shouldn't be visiting Russ, Mum! Oh, so he keeps saying!

Hi, Granny! Here again, then? Oh, hello, love. Hiya, Sue. Oh, I see.

Amy's friend is allowed over. Double standards!

Well, I kind of think we're self-isolating together,

so I think it's fine.

Yeah, even so, could you sit up, please? And apart, a bit? Thank you.

Erm... Tea? Mum? Always. Yeah. Oh, Auntie Jill's got it, by the way.

Do you remember Jill? Well, she's not a real auntie.

She's just a chatty friend. Has she really? Is she OK? Oh, yeah.

She's going to be fine. Jill's as tough as a tungsten toffee! Ha-ha!

So, you're still not doing your bows and arrows thing, Paul?

No, it's still not allowed.

I sit round the house all day eating fudge.

Oh, I got you some more fudge, actually! Oh!

Oh, don't be like that, darling. It'll all be over by... September.

Yeah.

It's really hit Paul's general mojo, not being able to work.

Yeah, it's the kids that I'm upset for, you know?

I mean, a lot of them, they idolise me. I was an Olympian.

I mean, they do their best to hide it,

but it's really obvious, you know.

Well, can you not just pop it online like that Joe Wicks?

I mean, he's having a fantastic pandemic, isn't he?

Yeah, the thing about Joe and me, Mum,

is that we're very different athletes.

Yeah, his stuff is, well, bless him, simple.

Whereas archery at home, it's a logistical nightmare, you know?

For most of the kids. And it's dangerous.

For them, for the families. You know. For the pets.

Mum, you should wash your hands. Have you washed your hands?

Yes, yes. Oh, they're not dirty! Yeah, but Mum, these are the rules!

I mean, we only leave the house for the clap! The clap?

Oh, don't tell me that's doing the rounds as well!

The clap, for the NHS? On Thursdays? Are you not doing that?

What, clapping? When they cancelled my hip operation? Are you mad!

I'm the only one in my street who's booing! Oh, God.

And what about you, Rachel?

Can you do any of the, I don't know,

online coffee or downloadable wraps or something?

Sorry, I don't... Do you mean for delivery, or to print out?

There's no need, honestly. It's fine, Mum!

I mean, we've got savings I didn't even know we had! Thanks to Rachel.

I mean, she's like the female Superman! Superwoman. Wonder Woman.

I mean, she's even promised us a holiday!

What, we're not still going, are we? Well... Well, not to America.

But we have to go somewhere, Sue, even if that's,

unfortunately, Kent.

Oh, and you can afford Kent, can you?

I... We... Can you drink that in the garden, please?

It's definitely illegal for us all to be in here! It is.

..Hay bales. We'll get a juggler, maybe, there.

This path could be a sort of... Oh!

So I see Robin and Cheryl are here!

So it's one rule for one, and one rule for everyone else!

It's OK if they're in the garden... Who else is here?

Is Dominic Cummings in the downstairs loo?

All right, Sue? Sorry, don't mind us.

Just doing a bit of wedding planning. Oh yeah?

How's the big day coming along? Awful. Churches are closed.

Horses and carriages are closed. I can't get a dress.

Our wedding is yet another victim of Covid.

And the budget's not what it was. Robin's trying to cut corners.

No, I'm not, babe. I'm just trying to make the thing affordable.

I'm on furlough now, you see. Oh, furlough! Oh, la-di-da!

Yeah, so we're thinking of doing it here. No, you are. I'm not.

Quite right. Blitz spirit. Make do and mend.

Now, Rachel could do sandwiches... Yes. And Sam could film it!

Oh, no.

We want at least... an adult.

But I bet he'd make it look lovely, though, wouldn't you, Sam?

Well, I'd make it look psychologically real, yeah.

Fix hidden cameras around the place like I've done in the house,

so it feels visceral and honest.

That's my aesthetic. Yeah, you see... I don't want that.

What do you mean, hidden cameras? What do you...?

Can you get me off this mud?

OK, so you know how, since you told us... which, thank you,

by the way, your mother and I are totally behind you both. Right.

What does that mean? As a...

I'm not sure how to describe the... Is it...? Is it queer? No, Dad.

No. As a pair of... whatever it is...

Don't dismiss it. No, I'm not. I just...

I just know how I'm meant to describe...

Well, why use labels at all?

No, completely. I agree, totally.

I mean, to an extent. I mean, you know, without labels,

it's very difficult to find things or discuss them.

Words are...

There's a reason that humans developed language.

What the hell you talking about?

Don't tell Granny that you're...

..um...

Gay? Yes! Yes. Gay! Thank you.

Thank you, Maya. Yes.

You know, she's not as modern as I am. You're not modern.

And she wouldn't get it. I am modern, actually. You know?

I was awoke before there was even a word for it.

It's "woke", not "awoke".

I read Michelle Obama's book, for goodness' sake...

..and I loved it.

If Granny can't handle it, it's her problem.

Yeah, no, I totally agree with you, you know. But if...

It would soon become our problem, is the thing.

So when she's here, if you could just keep, like, a few feet apart.

So social distancing to protect the elderly. Sure.

Safe.

It's a new application. A loan, yes.

£5,000? And that can be transferred immediately, can it?

Oh, and how will that look on the bank statement?

Because it's a joint account, so will it say "loan pony" or...?

Well, I mean, can you put something else?

I don't know, "Post Office savings account", for example?

In fact, I've got my old wedding dress somewhere you could borrow.

Oh! No. Definitely no? Well, you haven't even seen it!

I don't need to. Wow. Well, don't be like that, babe.

I'm not getting married in some common or garden hand-me-down

in some common or garden garden. But it's pretty, no?

I'll freeze, Robin! Not in my dress, you won't. It's very warm.

Warm? So, frumpy, then?

No, not frumpy. It's demure and nylon.

I don't want demure.

Why do think I've done so many sessions with Huge?

I want to look good. Huge? What's that?

My personal trainer, Hugo.

Luckily, I can still see him

because he's dropped his other clients,

so we're basically in the same bubble.

Oh, that's very accommodating of him.

Oh, Sue, the man is an absolute hero.

Sam? Did you buy a bloody drone?

I'll return it, Mum. Promise.

It may not be a date, though. Well...

Oh... Right. Oh, I take that back.

Who is he? It's Huge. Hugo.

Cherry's personal trainer.

Very personal in the end.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think arms like that are too big.

Well, that was our Nando's!

Oh... VIBRATING

What's that? That buzzing? It's coming from one of the cases.

It's coming from your case, Mum.

What? I'll turn it off. Do not open that!

The batteries will run out. No.

What is it?

-It isn't! -It isn't? Isn't what?

It's my toothbrush! It's my drill!

Exactly, it's your mother's toothbrush! It's not my...

I mean, I don't think it is. I did bring my DeWalt?

I can just get in... Do not open it! Yes! Sorry, no... Calm down.

No, just leave it. No! Just leave it there. Thank you.

It's your mother's private property. Thank you. It's my stuff. Thank you.

I'm going to pull over.

SHE MUTTERS

You haven't got an electric toothbrush, have you, Mum?

Shut up, Sam. No, no, no, we're not stopping. No!

We have to get to the hotel. Ugh.

SEAGULLS CAW

SUE SIGHS

Ooh, ooh. One, two.

PAUL SIGHS

Perhaps we should just go home. SHE SIGHS

Look, I love that you tried to give us all a family holiday...

..but Kent was never really going to be California.

Really. And...

..who knows? Maybe we'll be able to afford the States next year.

You know? Yeah. Depending on what's in the old savings.

SHE INHALES

Yeah, listen, Paul...

In fact, everyone...everyone, listen up.

Yeah, we're... we're all going to get into our swimming stuff... What?

Now. Yeah. Everyone!

No. Yeah, this is happening.

No, I just lit a fag. I don't care.

Hey! Whoa! Rachel! What are you doing?

Now, I know this hasn't been a classic holiday so far.

I'm very aware of that. But we are turning that around as of now. What?

OK? So everyone, cheer up. Whoo!

SHE CHUCKLES

Yes, this year's been shit, but it is not over and neither are we.

We are here, we are doing this,

and we are going to have our 2020 family fucking holiday

and we are going to enjoy it.

I'm not sure you can promise that.

Well, I'm not promising, I'm insisting. Swimsuits on!

Come on, now! Now!

No way. Not with my hip.

Whoo!

Is it good? Yeah.

It feels quite tight. Yeah, it's all right.

Come on, hurry up, guys.

Huh? Oh, yeah, Sam wanted to get some underwater footage,

so he's attaching a camera to my head. That's good. That's good.

Yeah. Come on. He's got cramp, apparently. Yeah, I have. Cramp?

Yeah. Quite bad cramp. All right. Come on, let's go.

It's definitely not safe. Unbelievable. Let's go!

You'll regret it! You'll regret it!

Actually, it does look very cold, doesn't it?

No! Come on. Let's do it. Let's... Let's do it for Auntie Jill.

OK?

Oh...

Come on.

Three, two,... OK, no, I've changed my mind.

..one! THEY SCREAM

Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts!

THEY SHRIEK AND GASP

Get out now, then.

I'm going to die! I'm going to die! No, no, Robin!

You're going to live. Do you understand? Yeah. Yeah.

SHE GASPS Oh, God!

Get out! ROBIN SCREAMS

I'm going to live! Argh!

You bloody chickens!

Oh, you can talk. You're wearing a wet suit.

Yeah, I keep this in the car for emergencies,

with my gas stove and my Bear Grylls survival light.

Good old Bear. Whoo!

So how does it work?

You and Maya.

I mean, I know you're a couple, so...

SHE CHUCKLES

How do you do it? SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

What do you mean?

The long-distance thing.

Oh, yeah. It's...

You know, it's not great.

We figured we should break up while Maya's at uni,

but kind of wish we hadn't.

I'm sorry. I didn't realise you knew.

Look, I lived on Mykonos for six months in 1968.

I've seen things that would make you physically sick.

OK. Not sure how that's relevant.

I know more than you think.

If you two love each other,

you can always make it work. Always.

Aw, thanks, Gran. SHE LAUGHS

Oh, God, that feels good!

Yeah, you feel a kind of euphoria. Mum?

Huh? Did you put the handbrake on? What?

Oh, God! Oh, no. Oh, shit.

Don't worry, the railings will stop it.

Oh...

Oh.

That was so cool.

Well, that pretty much sums up the whole year, doesn't it?

Ooh.

That wasn't where you parked, is it?

Yeah, let's go home.

We can have a proper holiday next year.

I hated that car anyway.

Who's up for a really fantastic,

really cheap family Christmas?

ROBIN SHIVERS

How are we getting back? God knows.

MUSIC: SUNNY BY BONEY M

# Sunny... #