Original subtitles

Best MDMA in Berlin, Dan.

And take it from me, the MDMA in this city right now is...

Ah, I mean, it's excellent.

Have you ever read Primo Levi's essay on Shame?

He wrote it 40 years after leaving Auschwitz.

He was trying to make sense of why he survived and others didn't,

but he couldn't.

Year later he threw himself from the landing of the house

that he was born in and fell three floors to his death.

Dan, we're here.

On a rooftop. In Berlin.

The sun is setting, this club is gorgeous,

and there is no-one here who is not a grade one decent human being.

There will never come a better time for you to drop a pill

than this exact moment.

Shall I just do half?

Well, you've never drunk or taken drugs. Half is sensible.

But you did just bring up suicide

and the Holocaust,

in a nightclub, so...

INAUDIBLE CHAT

- Are you feeling it? - Yeah.

Your eyes! I literally just saw your eyes just go... Oh, my God! Yes!

- Yes! - Oh, wow. - How's it feel? Feeling good, yeah?

DANCE MUSIC

MUSIC FADES

INAUDIBLE CHAT

Yes.

This is THE best juice I've ever tasted.

What?

Oh, my God, that is amazing. Do you want a sip?

Did you...

Did you not hear any of what I just said?

Were you talking?

Oh, my God! Yes!

I've been talking for about two minutes.

Sorry.

Seriously this...this juice, though. Why is it so good?

Mm!

INCIDENTAL MUSIC INTENSIFIES

MUSIC STOPS

- WOMAN ON TABLET: - We're making this beautiful loaf.

So into a large bowl...

..plus 650g of water and all of the flour.

Now it's time to combine everything.

Work it until there's no dry flour left. A curved... And now...

- Shush, shush, shush, shush. - ..let the dough rest for 30 minutes.

This is called the autolyse. When you give the...

- WOMAN ON TABLET: - We are going to do the stretch and folds here, too.

But since you guys are more advanced,

we're going to first start with this.

Slap down, pull back, pull apart and fold.

And you'll see as I do this

that the dough will go from shaggy and messy to smooth and strong.

Now, if I were using my conventional oven,

I would pre heat to 485 degrees Fahrenheit.

In my Rofco, I set the dial to 250 degrees Celsius.

That's 482 degrees Fahrenheit.

You made this, Dan?

Yep.

Looks real.

It IS real, I made it.

So you're a...person who bakes bread now, then, eh?

Yes, I think maybe I am.

How was it? Berlin.

It was amazing.

- I felt better there than I've felt in years. - Good.

That's good. You deserve that.

He won't be long.

He's just so good at getting Dean down.

It drives me nuts, to be honest.

Have you, erm... heard from the Governor yet?

Expecting a call any day now.

I really should get a lawyer.

You haven't got a lawyer yet?

Dan, you need to get a lawyer.

- Yeah, I know. - Dan. Get a lawyer.

Can't bury your head with this. This is going to get real very soon.

Yeah, I know. It's just...

Lee told you how we met, right?

Yeah.

You met in recovery?

- Yeah, but did he tell you how - I

No. I mean, he said that something happened, but he didn't...

He didn't say what.

Well, I used to work as a prison officer. You know that.

And I was on a young offender's unit which... They're the worst.

Just...testosterone raging,

teens trying to prove themselves.

One day in the chapel, I'm trying to break-up a fight between three lads.

I get caught in the middle,

pushed to the ground

and they turned on me.

Kicked me in the head,

the face, ribs, kidneys.

And then eight other lads

ran over and joined in.

Jesus Christ, Laura.

Yeah...

Yeah so, I was bedridden and they put me on codeine for the pain.

And then when I did go back...

..well, I hadn't seen the faces of the lads who jumped in,

so every time I'm with one of them, part of me's thinking, "Was it you?"

So I just fell deeper into codeine and fell too deep to get out.

Thing was, I...

..I hated those boys.

But I also found it hard to blame them.

I mean, most of them had called me "mum" by mistake

at some time or another and I just...

I just couldn't do it no more, Dan.

I was...

..neither one thing nor the other.

It's being split that kills ya.

Jesus Christ.

I had no idea that that happened to you, Laura.

Mm.

What am I going to do?

Carry it round with me for the rest of my life?

Down. Boo-fucking-yah.

- God, you are so annoying. - Well, what can I say? The boy loves his daddy.

You coming?

- See you. - See you later. - All right.

So, you finally took drugs, eh?

Did you like it?

Yes, he liked it.

So you go abroad, drop an E, come back, start baking?

Yeah, it's the new me.

It was either that or learn Sanskrit.

And this baking, did it involve using your oven, by any chance?

It did. Yeah.

I used my oven.

And?

And it took me an hour and 15 minutes to get out of the house.

I had to wait for the cooker to get ice cold before I could walk out.

EXHALES

All right, here's what you do.

You're going out, right?

You pull a table in front of your oven,

you put everything you need on it - phone, wallet, keys, all of it.

You get ready, take a shit, crafty wank, whatever.

Then you go back to that table

and you put each one of those things in your pocket.

Then you touch each gas ring once.

You look in the oven once. You look in the grill once.

Just the once. You don't do anything more than once.

And then you say, "Goodbye and good fuck", and you walk out that door.

And then - and, Dan, this is the most important bit...

..you do not come back.

That sounds like surprisingly good advice.

Thanks.

You're not inside yet, Dan.

You got your case, defence, appeals.

You take it one step at a time, yeah?

You're looking better.

I'm back in the meetings.

- MIMICS GANGSTER: - Doing what I need to, you know?

LAUGHS

And you?

Do you remember the, erm...

..the prisoner that I told you about that knew dad's pad-mate?

- You're not talking to him again, are ya? - No, no, no.

I'm on suspension. I couldn't, even if I wanted to.

But he told me that the guy got released.

I checked the dates...

..and I know who he is.

His name's Matthew Hall.

I've arranged to meet him this afternoon.

- OK. - Look, I wish that I could walk away.

I wish I could just...move on, like you and Laura but I can't.

Mum says that I loved a man that I know I hated.

How can I move on?

We want you to be Dean's godfather.

Me and Laura, we're getting him christened.

We want you to be the godfather.

But he needs stability, Dan.

He needs a godparent who can walk out the door and meet him on time.

Who isn't obsessed by a man

who tossed him aside like a used snot rag 25 years ago.

Don't go and see this guy.

Just walk away, yeah? Just walk away now.

INTERCOM RINGS

- Oh, fuck this. - Who's there?

Err, hello?

Is that Matthew?

Matty.

Matty, erm... It's... My name's Dan Stewer.

We spoke on the phone.

You're fucking late!

I know, sorry. Yeah, I was late. The, erm...

I've been fucking waiting for you. You're 40 minutes late!

Sorry about that. Yeah, the, erm, the bus was stopped.

Then why didn't you call?

Uh, err... My pho... Sorry, my phone got nicked.

Was it that skinny lad upstairs?

- What? - Was it that skinny lad upstairs that nicked your phone?

No.

No, I've... I've only just got here.

MATTY SIGHS

He's always nicking phones, he is.

Supposed to be no crime here.

GATE BUZZES

I, erm, brought some biscuits.

Digestives?

Erm, no, they're an own brand.

They're kind of like Hobnobs.

Oh, fucking Hobnobs.

You'll want a tea, then?

- How many sugars? - None.

- Sorry about all the air fresheners. - No, that's fine.

He keeps cooking fish, that skinny lad.

I think it's him, anyway.

Might be someone else, I don't know.

Stinks.

Are you OK here?

I mean is there anyone helping you since you got out?

- Is there help? - What you on about?

Well, you get a probation officer,

but that's just to make sure you're not up to shite.

There's no fucking help.

Do you know where Basel is?

Yeah.

- It's in Switzerland. - Switzerland. That's right, yeah.

I got a son out there.

Working there, he is. He's got two kids.

And I was thinking of going out and seeing him.

- That sounds nice. - Mm.

So, can you get a plane there?

- What, to Basel? - Mm. - Yeah, sure.

How much would that be?

I don't know. Erm...

Maybe a few hundred?

What about a train? Can you get a train to Basel?

Think you might have to change.

How much would that cost?

I really don't know.

I mean, everything's online now.

Y'know, I been inside for 14 years,

I don't know how to do all this fucking...

So you were my dad's pad-mate?

Aye.

Eight months I was, yeah.

Erm...

..what was he like?

- Your dad? - Yeah.

What was your dad like? Well, he was, er...

He was all right.

- Was he? - Yeah.

Yeah, he was all right. He was a... He was a laugh.

MY dad?

My dad was a laugh?

Yeah, funny as fuck, your dad.

Look, I did a good stretch with him.

Laughed my way through most of it.

Yeah, he was a good lad.

Share his last fag, he would.

You know, and then they banned cigs in prison and fucking ruined it.

What's prison without a smoke?

I tell you what, I'll never go back there now.

That just doesn't sound like the man that I remember.

- Yeah, well, I'm not fucking lying, you know. - I'm not...

- I know... - I bunked with him eight months.

Every day.

I know him better than you.

He was a good lad.

He had his moods, yeah, but we was a good lad.

And he helped me with reading letters from my son.

Other lads, they'd take the piss if they read a soft word,

and then you'd be into something, like. But not him. Not your dad.

- He understood kindness. - Did he?!

Yeah, he fucking well did.

Look, you knew the man on the out, right? But I knew the inside man.

The man who's always there. The man who can't hide.

Well...

..which do you think is more real?

I fucking hate Hobnobs!

It's all them fucking...bits in it.

I don't like fucking bits.

What's wrong with a chocolate digestive?

Did he ever talk about my mum?

Yeah.

Every single day.

What-what was... Was he still angry with her, then, or...?

He wasn't angry. He was in love.

- Excuse me? - He loved her.

Always going on about her, he was.

He said the greatest privilege of his life

was to have held her in his arms.

Well, he'd say that two or three times a week.

I mean, another man you'd get fucking chopsy with for that,

but not your dad.

You didn't mind like, cos...

- Cos he was a good'un. - My dad said those words?

He said...

..she made him a better man

but that he wasn't good enough.

He wasn't angry with her.

He was too busy loving her.

All right.

I'm getting tired now.

Better go have my nap. I have to have a nap in the afternoon.

Is there anything else?

Did he ever talk about me?

You're not the drug one, are ya?

No, son.

He never talked about you.

INDISTINCT CHAT

DOOR BUZZES

Hey, Dan!

What's going on?

- What happened to that class? - Hey, yeah, erm, sorry.

- I've been away. - Where, like a holiday, is it?

Thought I detected a bit of a tan.

I DID go abroad, yeah.

Lovely. Where'd you go?

- Berlin. - Berlin! I love Berlin.

- You never been to Berlin. - Yes, I fucking have.

I been there loads.

The drugs scene's crazy in Berlin. You do the clubs, Dan?

You go to Berghain? Tell me you went to Berghain.

Sorry, didn't go to Berghain.

The food, though? I mean, you got yourself some currywurst, right?

Yeah, I ate a currywusrt.

- The fuck is a currywurst? - Berlin speciality.

Bratwurst covered in ketchup and curry powder.

It's fucking disgusting, to be honest, but you got to do it, innit?

- You go with your boyfriend, Dan? - No, this time I went alone.

OK, OK.

Listen, you got to get them classes going, y'know, cos Keith,

he's rattling without them, y'know?

He's eating a dictionary a day, yeah,

and just gunning us down with words, fam.

So how you guys doing?

You know us, boss. We're just killing time and chatting shit

and waiting for the out.

- Come on. - All right.

- See you later, Dan. - Guten tag, boss.

- Good to see you, boys. - See ya, Dan. - All right.

- Boyfriend? - Mm.

They assumed I was gay. I let them.

So you're living as a closeted heterosexual?

Smart.

You all right, then?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll just wait.

Good.

He won't be long.

Or he might be. Who fucking knows?

I had to do what I had to...

Yeah, I know.

I mean, I should never have put you in that position, really.

Or Jamie.

It's me that should apologise, not you.

I wasn't fucking apologising.

- Hey, how's Greg doing? - Who's Greg?

You know, Greg. The Skittles.

Oh, Greg. Oh, yeah. He's...

He's gone.

He got release?

No. Suicide.

What?

Yeah. I think it was asphyxiation.

But to be honest, it was two suicides ago, so...

Are you serious?

He's dead?

The thing is, Dan, they don't all make it out of here.

DOOR OPENS

Come on.

- You've elected not to have a lawyer present. - That's right.

Can I ask why?

There's no new information.

I told you the truth. You know everything.

Why didn't you tell me your father was a prisoner?

Well, I've not... I've not seen him in 20 years.

He's not a part of my life.

Isn't he?

Things like that can have a long tail.

He's not a part of my life.

What is it you think you've been doing here, Dan?

S... What do I...? Sorry, what?

What have you been achieving?

Erm...

People...

People sort of enjoy thinking.

Even those who we deem not to be good at it.

Thinking is human.

My course lets them think for a bit.

It lets them feel human.

The reason I operate a zero tolerance policy,

as regards staff and contraband,

isn't piety.

It's out of necessity.

In common with every facility in this country,

my prison is rife with drugs, violence and extortion.

The levers I have at my disposal

to stop staff exploiting or being exploited are very few.

Prosecuting people like you to the full extent of the law

is really the main one.

I do it because it works.

I understand.

So, in light of that...

..I've decided not to prosecute.

Excuse me?

You didn't do what you did for gain, that's clear.

So prosecution serves no purpose

other than to deprive the men of something they seem to like.

You're right, they do like to think.

It DOES make them feel human.

It's better for me to have humans in here.

Humans I can deal with.

So, what, I'm OK? I'm not going to... I'm not going to get...

I'm lifting suspension, effective immediately.

This is only one of a handful of times in the last 15 years

I've given a second chance for something like this.

There won't be a third. Do you understand that?

Yes, I do.

BREATHES SHAKILY

Oh, fuck me.

Oh, hey, hey! Hey! Hey, what's wrong?

- Hello. I'm all good, thanks. - Hey, hey! You OK? - I'm OK. I'm OK.

- I'm OK, thank you. - Are you sure? - Thank you. Thank you.

- Thank you. - OK. Take a minute.

Thank you.

- Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. - OK.

BREATHES SHAKILY

We all wander far from God and lose our way.

Christ comes to find us and welcomes us home.

In baptism we respond to his call.

Therefore I ask, do you turn away from sin?

- I do. - I do.

- Do you reject evil? - I do. - I do.

Do you turn to Christ the Saviour?

- I do. - I do.

FRANK: One minute... Ready?!

Oh, Frank's gone retro.

- Wind it. - Blinding!

INDISTINCT CHAT

- Lovely. - Say, "Uncle Frank!"

Thanks.

He looked good with that baby in his arms, didn't he, Gail?

I'm just saying is all! He did look good, though.

Well, you know what they say, Laura. One grandchild is plenty.

- But two's even better. - No-one says that.

- Or three. Or four. Or five! - Here, pack it in, you.

- You DID look good with that baby, though. - Yeah, all right, Mum.

Last time we was here was for Martin's funeral.

It's nice to be back like this.

Oh, and I hear you're a baker now.

Sourdough. Martin'd be proud.

Sorry about what I said about...

..the last time that we, er...

You never need to say sorry, Danny.

Not to a parent.

We're bolted on.

I took drugs.

Oh, my God, why are you telling me that, Danny? I'm your bloody mum!

- You told me to! - Yeah, well, I didn't think you were going to

come and tell me all about it.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Danny!

What drugs did you do, then?

Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Oh, go on, then, what did you do?

Sorry, it was just... It was recreational.

It wasn't... It wasn't anything, y'know.

Are you going to do it again?

I mean, do I need to worry?

No, look, Mum, I just... I just went out and did normal things.

- I thought you'd want to know that I was being normal. - Uh, oh...

Oh, this is you being normal? You take drugs and then very normally

come and tell your mum all about it? At a christening.

- Just like normal people do. - All right, Mum...

I'm pleased you're being normal!

He always was proud of you.

Martin.

He was proud of you

every single day.

Just like we all are.

LAUGHTER

So, after a few minutes of this,

I stop, I turn round and I go,

"Oh, oh, I'm sorry, sir, I didn't know you were there.

"I couldn't hear you over the sound of all that fucking honking."

LAUGHTER

Is that what you said?

Oh, my God, what did he do?

Well, he loses it, he bangs his foot on the accelerator,

goes all the way round the outside of the car park to get round me.

So I thought, "All right." So I just slipped on up and blocked the exit.

- You didn't. - Big line of fucking trollies!

LAUGHTER

He gets round and there's me, kneeling, doing me shoelace up.

LAUGHTER

Next thing I know, he's nudging right up to my trollies.

He starts shunting 'em.

- No! - What, with his Tesla?

With his fucking Tesla!

Oh, my God! What did you do, Frank?

Well, I just stood there watching, Dan.

Massive scraping sound of metal, there is.

And, finally, I step in and I say,

"Excuse me, sir, I would not advise you to do that."

And he said, "I don't take advice from the likes of you!"

And I say, "I would if I were you, sir,

"cos you're ripping your fucking bumper off!"

LAUGHTER

- He's ripped it right off, Dan! - God!

Hey, next thing I know, there's a copper there.

What? Why?

Don't know! No idea. Someone must've phoned 'em.

Tesla's ecstatic.

He's straight with, "This man has kidnapped me," he said to him.

Oh, come on, kidnapped?

Hand on heart, kidnapped, he says!

Well, this copper, he takes one look at me, he comes over, and says,

"All right, Frank, how you doing?"

He's only one of the bunch that nicked me and Vinny

- last time we got done! - Oh, no! - Oh, shit, Frank.

No, no, no! They loved us.

When they nicked me and Vinny, they was as good as gold.

Most of these only get to deal with junkies,

but we was proper criminals.

They had a board up with pins and string.

All our crimes on, Mum!

She's so proud!

And he's all like, "Good to see you, Frank.

"You're looking so well. Oh, you put a bit of weight on.

"Glad to see you're back on your feet. You keep your nose clean."

Then he turns to Elon fucking Musk...

LAUGHTER

..nicks him for criminal damage and threatening behaviour!

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

INDISTINCT CHAT IN OTHER ROOM

See ya. Bye, buddy.

- Right, Mum's pissed, ain't she? - Yeah.

- All right. See ya. - Here, last minute cuddles.

- Whey... - Can I?

Oh!

Goodbye.

Where you off to tonight, then?

Erm, I'm going to go home, get ready.

Ah, I've got a date... Well it's not a date, erm...

I'm meeting Natasha.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

It's not a date. We're just going to get a coffee.

Still, that IS something.

Yeah. Yeah, it is something. Isn't it?

Thanks for asking me, Lee. It's a great honour.

You soppy twat.

- Come on. - Bye.

- Nooo... - I got him.

I gotcha.

- All right. - Let go of it, Dan.

Let go of what?

The guilt.

Do you know why dad walked out on us? The actual reason?

Cos he's a fucking idiot.

That's all.

It's no deeper than that.

You look at this boy and you tell me it's any deeper than that.

- Get out! - Ta-ra.

SHOWER RUNS

Off.

Off, off, off, off, off, off.

Off, off, off, off.

Goodbye and good fuck.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

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