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1
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- Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan.
2
00:00:01,260 --> 00:00:02,669
- And I'm Jacob Lawrence Wysocki.
3
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:04,499
It's our third time, and
he's got three names,
4
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:05,999
so I have to have three names, too.
5
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,829
- Lawrence. I'm shocked.
6
00:00:07,830 --> 00:00:09,119
- You didn't know?
- I didn't know.
7
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:10,064
- Now they know.
8
00:00:10,065 --> 00:00:11,549
(upbeat music)
9
00:00:11,550 --> 00:00:13,499
- [Vic] Today, we're
giving these comedians
10
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:15,585
a total transformation.
11
00:00:15,586 --> 00:00:16,469
- Oh, yeah.
12
00:00:16,470 --> 00:00:17,909
- [Vic] They have no idea who
13
00:00:17,910 --> 00:00:20,219
or what they're about to become.
14
00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:22,109
Once they see themselves in the mirror,
15
00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:24,869
they'll have to make up
a character on the spot
16
00:00:24,870 --> 00:00:27,913
and then sit down with me
for an improvised interview.
17
00:00:27,914 --> 00:00:29,339
(Jacob laughs)
18
00:00:29,340 --> 00:00:31,827
This is "Very Important People".
19
00:00:32,554 --> 00:00:34,559
- Oh my God.
20
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:35,455
- Brennan, I'm scared.
21
00:00:35,456 --> 00:00:36,561
- I'm scared.
22
00:00:36,562 --> 00:00:38,369
(upbeat music)
23
00:00:38,370 --> 00:00:39,239
- Oh no.
24
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,339
- Now, that is-
- [Jacob] Oh no.
25
00:00:41,340 --> 00:00:43,335
- Now, that is tough.
26
00:00:43,336 --> 00:00:46,586
(Jacob laughs)
- (laughs) Now, that is-
27
00:00:46,587 --> 00:00:48,209
- You look crazy.
28
00:00:48,210 --> 00:00:52,079
- I hate what I look like.
29
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:56,271
- I am so happy I don't
look like you. (laughs)
30
00:00:56,272 --> 00:00:58,139
That's gross. You got a
poo-poo in the diaper.
31
00:00:58,140 --> 00:00:59,216
- [Brennan] I'm riding low.
32
00:00:59,217 --> 00:01:00,569
What's up, man?
- [Jacob] What's up? Hey.
33
00:01:00,570 --> 00:01:02,069
What's up, Avery Middle School?
34
00:01:02,070 --> 00:01:04,769
Who's here to learn a
little bit about puberty?
35
00:01:04,770 --> 00:01:07,229
- We are adult British men.
36
00:01:07,230 --> 00:01:09,899
- Yes, we're actually
just waiting for the bus.
37
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:12,839
- Hey, where can a guy get
some breast milk around here?
38
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- Welcome to the baby dimension.
39
00:01:16,150 --> 00:01:17,489
May I suck on it?
40
00:01:17,490 --> 00:01:19,679
- Yes. Get in there.
41
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:20,955
Oh, there you go.
42
00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:23,140
(crew laughing)
43
00:01:23,141 --> 00:01:26,224
(upbeat jazzy music)
44
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- We all have a story to tell,
45
00:01:40,650 --> 00:01:42,449
and sometimes those stories need
46
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to be shared with the world.
47
00:01:44,190 --> 00:01:45,899
Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,
48
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:50,609
back with another edition
of "Very Important People".
49
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,319
Please, introduce yourself.
50
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:56,429
- All rise for my formal
announcement, please.
51
00:01:56,430 --> 00:02:01,007
Me and my brother are up for adoption.
52
00:02:01,008 --> 00:02:02,326
- Okay.
53
00:02:02,327 --> 00:02:03,689
- Hello.
- Hi.
54
00:02:03,690 --> 00:02:05,159
- I'm Archimedes.
55
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:06,213
- And I'm Ollie.
56
00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:10,709
(groovy percussive music)
57
00:02:10,710 --> 00:02:12,629
- Ollie, Archimedes, thank you so much
58
00:02:12,630 --> 00:02:13,829
for joining us on the show today.
59
00:02:13,830 --> 00:02:15,449
Please take a seat.
60
00:02:15,450 --> 00:02:16,282
- Splendid.
61
00:02:16,283 --> 00:02:17,879
- Maybe Ollie, why don't
you come right here,
62
00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:19,169
and Archimedes, we'll have you a little,
63
00:02:19,170 --> 00:02:21,089
a little further away over here.
64
00:02:21,090 --> 00:02:24,059
Wow, okay, and so he did sort
of pick the one closer to me.
65
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:25,619
I love that. I love that.
66
00:02:25,620 --> 00:02:28,619
We sort of heard one, one child
was coming on the program,
67
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:29,452
and so we sort of got-
68
00:02:29,453 --> 00:02:31,046
- Double trouble, I'm afraid.
69
00:02:31,047 --> 00:02:32,969
- [Vic] And that was my-
- Twice the heart.
70
00:02:32,970 --> 00:02:36,029
- My exact thought, and so
you are genetically related?
71
00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:37,979
- Yes, we're identical twins.
72
00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:42,089
- Wow. The resemblance is
just absolutely sensational.
73
00:02:42,090 --> 00:02:44,429
So you two are looking to be adopted?
74
00:02:44,430 --> 00:02:46,979
- Yes. We're looking for a perfect family.
75
00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:48,959
- As you can see, we
childproofed the set today.
76
00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:49,799
I did it myself,
77
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,539
because everybody else
was taking a lunch break,
78
00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:53,969
and so I said, you stay there,
you keep eating your lunch,
79
00:02:53,970 --> 00:02:55,139
and I will babyproof the set.
80
00:02:55,140 --> 00:02:56,519
- Thank you so much.
81
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:58,019
- You're welcome, Ollie.
82
00:02:58,020 --> 00:03:00,569
- In many ways, we're all on our own.
83
00:03:00,570 --> 00:03:01,619
- What do you mean by that?
84
00:03:01,620 --> 00:03:02,939
- Consciousness.
85
00:03:02,940 --> 00:03:06,209
We're born into this world
trapped in our own minds,
86
00:03:06,210 --> 00:03:07,979
and we die alone.
87
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:10,589
Do you know anyone who
wants to be our mother?
88
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,899
- Well, you know, you two are
here today to find that out,
89
00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,059
and I am sure that we can
find a viewer out there
90
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:18,689
that is very happy to welcome
one of you into their home.
91
00:03:18,690 --> 00:03:20,909
- What are your average
numbers on the program?
92
00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:22,707
- I'm sorry?
- (shouting) Your ratings!
93
00:03:22,708 --> 00:03:24,818
- Careful. Enjoy it.
- Sorry.
94
00:03:24,819 --> 00:03:26,939
- Enjoy it. Good.
95
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,799
- May I ask, how old are you two?
96
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:29,632
- Babies.
97
00:03:29,633 --> 00:03:31,229
- Babies. I see.
98
00:03:31,230 --> 00:03:32,399
I see and I understand.
99
00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:33,539
You two are looking to be adopted.
100
00:03:33,540 --> 00:03:35,429
It seems like you're doing
all right on your own.
101
00:03:35,430 --> 00:03:36,929
What is the impetus to be adopted?
102
00:03:36,930 --> 00:03:41,189
- Ollie wishes to know the
touch of a mother's caress.
103
00:03:41,190 --> 00:03:44,219
I have a quality to my skin
104
00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:49,220
where it bears the temperature
of a not too fresh cadaver,
105
00:03:49,470 --> 00:03:53,579
and so I don't expect that even
the most stouthearted woman
106
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:57,959
would be able to touch me and
do anything other than recoil.
107
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,559
- I like to think of him
as an ever cool pillow.
108
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,376
- What a charming way to think about that.
109
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,272
I love your sunny disposition.
110
00:04:05,273 --> 00:04:07,019
I am gonna say this right here.
111
00:04:07,020 --> 00:04:09,329
I think that we are gonna get you a home
112
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,136
by the end of this episode.
113
00:04:11,137 --> 00:04:11,969
How do we feel about that?
114
00:04:11,970 --> 00:04:14,701
- Oh, we've heard it many times before.
115
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(crew member sneezes)
- Ah, what's happened?
116
00:04:16,410 --> 00:04:17,425
- Oh, it's okay. It's okay.
117
00:04:17,426 --> 00:04:19,527
Deep breath. You're okay.
- Ah, what's happened?
118
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- Deep breath. It's okay.
- Ah!
119
00:04:21,515 --> 00:04:22,981
- And we are. And we're.
- Ah!
120
00:04:22,982 --> 00:04:24,423
- And we're totally. Hey.
121
00:04:24,424 --> 00:04:26,411
? Hush now ?
122
00:04:26,412 --> 00:04:28,081
? Shut your mouth ?
123
00:04:28,082 --> 00:04:29,956
? Be so quiet ?
124
00:04:29,957 --> 00:04:32,039
? And then it'll be all right ?
125
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,779
I have a stepdaughter, and
that's what I sing to her
126
00:04:33,780 --> 00:04:35,056
when she gets nervous.
127
00:04:35,057 --> 00:04:36,555
- Don't stop.
128
00:04:36,556 --> 00:04:37,893
- ? Okay ?
129
00:04:37,894 --> 00:04:40,699
? Don't you cry little baby ?
130
00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:42,562
? Sha-sha-sha-sha ?
131
00:04:42,563 --> 00:04:44,286
? Qua-qua-qua-qua ?
? Sha-sha-sha-sha ?
132
00:04:44,287 --> 00:04:46,112
? Ya-ya-ya-ya ?
? Qua-qua-qua-qua ?
133
00:04:46,113 --> 00:04:47,579
? Be-be-be-ba ?
? Ya-ya-ya-ya ?
134
00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:49,644
- Okay, that was really lovely.
135
00:04:49,645 --> 00:04:50,822
(Ollie giggles)
136
00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:52,559
- It's happening for you.
137
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,209
- It's going to happen for us.
138
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:55,996
If it happens for me, it happens for you.
139
00:04:55,997 --> 00:04:57,929
- So you two sort of go as a bonded pair?
140
00:04:57,930 --> 00:05:00,449
- Oh, you wouldn't split up a
cat in the litter, would you?
141
00:05:00,450 --> 00:05:02,369
You wouldn't split up a puppy.
142
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:04,769
- I think sort of famously,
puppies do go to separate homes.
143
00:05:04,770 --> 00:05:05,602
- Oh.
144
00:05:05,603 --> 00:05:06,629
- You got a little something.
145
00:05:06,630 --> 00:05:07,605
- I got spittles?
146
00:05:07,606 --> 00:05:09,303
- [Vic] A little spit.
- Help me, please.
147
00:05:09,304 --> 00:05:10,745
- I love to be helpful.
148
00:05:10,746 --> 00:05:11,578
- [Ollie] I'm not too dextrous yet.
149
00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:14,789
- Because to help somebody else
is to help the entire world.
150
00:05:14,790 --> 00:05:15,749
Okay, so just-
151
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:18,119
- Fine motor skills come later.
152
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,499
- Fine motor skills come later?
153
00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,246
That's just sort of a fact. I love that.
154
00:05:21,247 --> 00:05:23,191
I love that one.
- I don't even really know
155
00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:24,359
if my face is here or not,
156
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,949
'cause I can't see it.
157
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:27,869
- You have a lovely face, Ollie.
158
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:29,699
- I like your face. It's a face.
159
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:31,589
- It's not as good as yours.
160
00:05:31,590 --> 00:05:33,179
- Don't say it like that.
161
00:05:33,180 --> 00:05:35,339
- No, there's something hideous about me.
162
00:05:35,340 --> 00:05:36,597
- [Ollie] No, reframe that thought.
163
00:05:36,598 --> 00:05:37,430
- No.
164
00:05:37,431 --> 00:05:39,239
- You're great. You're lovable.
165
00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,029
- Okay, well, you know, you
two have been so patient,
166
00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:44,369
such patient, such patient little guys,
167
00:05:44,370 --> 00:05:45,269
so here's what we're gonna do.
168
00:05:45,270 --> 00:05:46,229
We're gonna bring in a little snack
169
00:05:46,230 --> 00:05:47,369
for you two, and some toys.
170
00:05:47,370 --> 00:05:49,349
- Zoom in on me, like from "The Office",
171
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:50,609
like I'm Jim from "The Office".
172
00:05:50,610 --> 00:05:51,689
- Have you seen "The Office"?
173
00:05:51,690 --> 00:05:52,904
- [Twins] Snack time!
174
00:05:52,905 --> 00:05:54,402
- I'm just, I'm shocked by how-
175
00:05:54,403 --> 00:05:55,289
(toys squeaking)
Oh, good.
176
00:05:55,290 --> 00:05:57,646
So that was mine as a child.
- Thank you.
177
00:05:57,647 --> 00:05:59,039
Then I thought I'd bring that in for you,
178
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,314
but look it, even cuter and-
179
00:06:01,315 --> 00:06:02,365
- Bang!
180
00:06:02,366 --> 00:06:04,847
Bang, bang, bang!
(ceramic shattering)
181
00:06:04,848 --> 00:06:07,322
- Does the child's body speak
182
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,422
even without her vocal chords?
(toy softly crying)
183
00:06:09,423 --> 00:06:11,369
- So my mom recorded that voice.
184
00:06:11,370 --> 00:06:12,847
- Archie, what have you done?
- [Vic] If you just sorta-
185
00:06:12,848 --> 00:06:14,399
- False baby!
186
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,139
- And my mother hand painted this,
187
00:06:16,140 --> 00:06:17,339
sort of what we have here.
- Archie!
188
00:06:17,340 --> 00:06:19,229
- There it is. That's the voice.
189
00:06:19,230 --> 00:06:21,269
It's just a little box, not a real baby.
190
00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:22,102
- Okay.
191
00:06:22,103 --> 00:06:22,935
- [Ollie] Well, I'm glad you've gotten
192
00:06:22,936 --> 00:06:23,768
to the bottom of it.
- And I love that.
193
00:06:23,769 --> 00:06:25,109
I love that. I think this is fantastic.
194
00:06:25,110 --> 00:06:26,849
- I accidentally broke this cup.
195
00:06:26,850 --> 00:06:28,469
- Hey, oh, and that's sharp,
so we're gonna get that
196
00:06:28,470 --> 00:06:29,669
away from you, actually.
- Bang, bang!
197
00:06:29,670 --> 00:06:31,409
- Okay, okay, okay,
198
00:06:31,410 --> 00:06:33,149
and that's so sharp.
- It's a really,
199
00:06:33,150 --> 00:06:35,339
really fragile cup.
200
00:06:35,340 --> 00:06:37,349
- And don't worry, I got this,
201
00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:38,789
'cause if I get hurt, that's fine,
202
00:06:38,790 --> 00:06:39,719
and if you guys get hurt,
203
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,279
I'd never be able to forgive myself.
204
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,112
- Are you mad at me?
205
00:06:42,113 --> 00:06:44,089
I hadn't known!
- You mustn't be mad!
206
00:06:44,090 --> 00:06:45,589
- [Ollie] I hadn't known!
- No, I didn't say that.
207
00:06:45,590 --> 00:06:47,189
- I was just playing.
- No, we're just playing,
208
00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:48,836
and look, okay, how about some
of these other toys, right?
209
00:06:48,837 --> 00:06:50,009
Oh, oh.
- Vic.
210
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:52,289
- Yes?
- Ollie has to be stronger
211
00:06:52,290 --> 00:06:53,969
than an adult man,
212
00:06:53,970 --> 00:06:57,119
because where we come
from, there are no parents.
213
00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,899
We come from a dimension of only babies.
214
00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:01,769
- What do you mean?
215
00:07:01,770 --> 00:07:04,349
- We're cosmonauts, Ollie and I.
(curious music)
216
00:07:04,350 --> 00:07:06,839
- We've traveled quite far to find love.
217
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:09,689
- And you came here? To my show,
218
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:10,919
'cause you knew I could help.
219
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,709
- Well, we found a satellite
floating in the cosmos
220
00:07:13,710 --> 00:07:15,299
with a golden disc on it.
221
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:18,449
It had instructions on
where to find a planet.
222
00:07:18,450 --> 00:07:22,199
- An Earth family is our
last and greatest hope.
223
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,699
- So you're not looking to take
over the world or anything?
224
00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,469
You literally just wanna
be a part of a family?
225
00:07:25,470 --> 00:07:27,299
- Doesn't every parent want their child
226
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,379
to take over the world?
227
00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:29,390
- I'm sorry. No, hey, come on.
228
00:07:29,391 --> 00:07:31,449
- Ollie. Ollie.
- Come on. Hey.
229
00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:33,750
- You unhand my brother!
- Okay, okay! And we're fine!
230
00:07:33,751 --> 00:07:34,583
We're fine!
231
00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:35,582
- Calm down.
232
00:07:35,583 --> 00:07:36,415
- Why don't we just
233
00:07:36,416 --> 00:07:37,915
eat some snacks?
- ? Snack time ?
234
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:39,629
(mellow music)
235
00:07:39,630 --> 00:07:41,309
- This one's beef jerky and a cigarette.
236
00:07:41,310 --> 00:07:42,749
- Oh, right. Yes.
237
00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:43,949
- Sorry, that's yours.
238
00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:45,489
- This is mine, if you don't mind.
239
00:07:45,490 --> 00:07:49,013
- Could you insert it into my mouth?
240
00:07:49,014 --> 00:07:50,639
- Yep. Okay.
(lighter flicks)
241
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,787
Say ah.
242
00:07:52,788 --> 00:07:55,259
(deranged shriek)
243
00:07:55,260 --> 00:07:57,449
- Try it a little bit quieter.
244
00:07:57,450 --> 00:07:59,249
- All right. (spits)
245
00:07:59,250 --> 00:08:00,300
Round two.
246
00:08:01,246 --> 00:08:04,055
(Archimedes choking)
247
00:08:04,056 --> 00:08:05,819
- You've got to swallow.
248
00:08:05,820 --> 00:08:07,069
You've got to swallow.
249
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,849
- Maybe that's enough snack for you.
250
00:08:08,850 --> 00:08:11,489
- The warm touch of a mother's love.
251
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,729
- [Vic] Oh no, no.
252
00:08:12,730 --> 00:08:14,099
I'm not a parent.
253
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:15,749
We're gonna find you
someone, but it wasn't me.
254
00:08:15,750 --> 00:08:18,749
Speaking of trying to find
a forever parent for you,
255
00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:21,779
we have a couple of questions
from kids in the area,
256
00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:22,859
so that way, people watching
257
00:08:22,860 --> 00:08:24,554
can get to know you two a little better.
258
00:08:24,555 --> 00:08:26,699
(mellow music)
259
00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,139
Ollie, first question for you.
260
00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:29,399
- Yes, hello. Ollie here.
261
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,159
- This is from Dean, aged
six, and he wants to know,
262
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:35,819
if you could make one wish that
would absolutely come true,
263
00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:36,652
what would it be?
264
00:08:36,653 --> 00:08:38,939
- I'd like my mom to be perfect and pretty
265
00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:41,643
and love us both perfectly and prettily.
266
00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,459
- So sweet.
- And then maybe
267
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:47,999
I could have like an
interesting turtle friend
268
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:52,859
or some other type of interesting reptile,
269
00:08:52,860 --> 00:08:55,889
and we could get to know each other
270
00:08:55,890 --> 00:08:59,669
and have a good time having fun!
271
00:08:59,670 --> 00:09:00,869
- So I think that answers that question.
272
00:09:00,870 --> 00:09:04,469
Archimedes, this is from Ryan,
aged 12, and he wants to know
273
00:09:04,470 --> 00:09:06,629
if you've got a favorite
professional sports team.
274
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:08,002
- Why does Ryan want to know that?
275
00:09:08,003 --> 00:09:09,389
What is he planning?
276
00:09:09,390 --> 00:09:10,439
- I don't think he's planning anything.
277
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:11,429
I think it's just so that way, you know,
278
00:09:11,430 --> 00:09:12,989
people can get to know
you a little bit better.
279
00:09:12,990 --> 00:09:15,209
Are you a soccer guy?
280
00:09:15,210 --> 00:09:17,819
- Tell Ryan if he wants to
know my favorite sports team,
281
00:09:17,820 --> 00:09:19,499
he knows where to find me.
282
00:09:19,500 --> 00:09:21,949
- Just try and give it a little something.
283
00:09:21,950 --> 00:09:22,790
(Archimedes sighs)
284
00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:24,469
Give, just say soccer or something.
285
00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:26,902
- My favorite soccer team
286
00:09:26,903 --> 00:09:30,193
is the England Bulldogs.
287
00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:31,919
- Good, see? Right, normal.
288
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:32,752
- The England Bulldogs.
- Good job.
289
00:09:32,753 --> 00:09:34,409
- I love that. What
league do they play in?
290
00:09:34,410 --> 00:09:35,579
- Help me.
- [Vic] Okay.
291
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:38,738
I have one last question
from Rhodes, age eight.
292
00:09:38,739 --> 00:09:40,037
- Like the scholar?
293
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,209
- Like the scholar, yes. Are you familiar?
294
00:09:42,210 --> 00:09:44,759
- I have a list of all of
them and where they live.
295
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:47,609
- You specifically have Rhodes
Scholars names and addresses?
296
00:09:47,610 --> 00:09:50,909
- I want them to know that I'm onto them.
297
00:09:50,910 --> 00:09:51,989
- Right.
- I'm coming for you,
298
00:09:51,990 --> 00:09:53,189
Rhodes Scholars.
299
00:09:53,190 --> 00:09:54,599
- [Ollie] Okay.
- I'm coming for you,
300
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,189
Bill Clinton.
- Okay.
301
00:09:56,190 --> 00:09:57,956
- He is your world's leader, yes?
302
00:09:57,957 --> 00:09:59,202
- No.
- What does Rhodes have
303
00:09:59,203 --> 00:10:00,035
to say to me?
304
00:10:00,036 --> 00:10:01,769
- Rhodes wants to know what
your favorite piece of media is,
305
00:10:01,770 --> 00:10:04,409
either music or movie or literature.
306
00:10:04,410 --> 00:10:07,049
- My favorite media is Rachmaninoff.
307
00:10:07,050 --> 00:10:07,882
- What is that?
308
00:10:07,883 --> 00:10:10,139
- A composer, you twit.
309
00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:11,736
- [Ollie] I wouldn't-
- [Archimedes] A composer.
310
00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:13,859
- Hey, apologize.
- You absolute twit.
311
00:10:13,860 --> 00:10:14,814
- Apologize.
312
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,549
- I'm sorry, you...
- [Ollie] Thank you.
313
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:21,179
See, we have the ability
to learn from our mistakes.
314
00:10:21,180 --> 00:10:22,259
- I accept your apology.
315
00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:24,449
- Why don't you simply direct the rest
316
00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:26,099
of these questions at Ollie?
317
00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:30,479
You know as well as I, no
one's going to call for me.
318
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,494
- Hey, you don't know that-
319
00:10:31,495 --> 00:10:32,999
- You don't know that, Archie.
- For a fact.
320
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,039
- I'm not going anywhere without you.
321
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,499
- Okay, Archie, you go
by Archie sometimes?
322
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:39,569
- My brother Ollie calls me Archie,
323
00:10:39,570 --> 00:10:41,699
because Ollie saved my life
324
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:45,089
from the solar flares of a neutron star.
325
00:10:45,090 --> 00:10:47,099
If you call me Archie again,
326
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:50,254
the tongue that said it
will be pinned to the wall.
327
00:10:50,255 --> 00:10:51,341
- We're gonna move on to the next segment.
328
00:10:51,342 --> 00:10:53,077
- That was quite a fucked
up thing to say there.
329
00:10:53,078 --> 00:10:54,356
- I'm sorry, Ollie.
- It's all right,
330
00:10:54,357 --> 00:10:55,377
you're being yourself.
331
00:10:55,378 --> 00:10:56,339
- We're gonna move on to something
332
00:10:56,340 --> 00:10:57,869
that is gonna help you two get adopted,
333
00:10:57,870 --> 00:11:01,079
'cause that's why we're here
today, to get you two adopted.
334
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,019
Okay, so just, and that's sort of, okay.
335
00:11:04,020 --> 00:11:05,009
And I would offer you some water,
336
00:11:05,010 --> 00:11:08,309
but my glass is in a
mosaic amount of pieces.
337
00:11:08,310 --> 00:11:09,779
- Do you have maybe a baba?
338
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:11,131
- Baba?
- I need my baba.
339
00:11:11,132 --> 00:11:13,049
- Yeah, baba.
- No, not that baba.
340
00:11:13,050 --> 00:11:14,609
It's a different baba.
- What kind of baba?
341
00:11:14,610 --> 00:11:18,299
- My brother's favorite baba
is cucumber melon flavored.
342
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:19,739
- Like a vape?
- My baba.
343
00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:21,199
- Okay, and there is a vape.
344
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,032
- My baba!
345
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:23,069
- I can't give this to you.
346
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:24,119
- Is this vanilla ice?
347
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,639
'Cause I am a bit of a, Jim Halpert zoom,
348
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:27,472
iceman.
349
00:11:27,473 --> 00:11:29,579
- No, you can't call for camera shots.
350
00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:31,319
- Did you get it when I said it?
351
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,579
'Cause it'll play funny.
- [Archimedes] He's so good.
352
00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:33,629
- It'll play funnier when I-
353
00:11:33,630 --> 00:11:34,889
- This is a tobacco product,
354
00:11:34,890 --> 00:11:37,469
and I cannot, in good
conscience, give it to you.
355
00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:38,759
- I want my baba!
356
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:39,592
- Well, you don't get it.
357
00:11:39,593 --> 00:11:40,769
- Give it to me!
- [Vic] I won't,
358
00:11:40,770 --> 00:11:43,919
so this is going in the fountain.
359
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:44,752
That is unfortunate about how that is-
360
00:11:44,753 --> 00:11:45,989
- What the hell?
- But sometimes
361
00:11:45,990 --> 00:11:47,129
you gotta set boundaries,
362
00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:49,110
and you gotta have very
clear boundaries with people.
363
00:11:49,111 --> 00:11:49,943
- What the hell?
364
00:11:49,944 --> 00:11:51,119
- And so we're setting the boundaries,
365
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,879
and the boundary is you can't, and no.
366
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,049
- I don't like this rules.
367
00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:55,882
- Hey, well, it's the rule-
368
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:56,715
- [Ollie] I don't like these rules
369
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:57,836
and I don't like how you handle the rules.
370
00:11:57,837 --> 00:11:59,519
- And it's my set, so we're sort of,
371
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,319
we're taking back the power,
372
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,329
and I'm reclaiming my time, okay?
373
00:12:03,330 --> 00:12:05,219
So this is my. Oh my god.
374
00:12:05,220 --> 00:12:06,713
Oh my god. Oh my god.
- Oh no!
375
00:12:06,714 --> 00:12:08,238
Archie!
- [Vic] Hello?
376
00:12:08,239 --> 00:12:09,212
Hello?
- [Ollie] Archie!
377
00:12:09,213 --> 00:12:11,119
- Okay, he's not drowned. Come here.
378
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,307
Okay.
- [Ollie] He made it.
379
00:12:12,308 --> 00:12:14,339
One, two, three, four, five, six-
380
00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:15,599
(Archimedes screams)
381
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,739
- Okay. Hi.
382
00:12:16,740 --> 00:12:18,054
Hey, there we go.
383
00:12:18,055 --> 00:12:21,413
(Archimedes retching)
There we go. Okay.
384
00:12:21,414 --> 00:12:22,439
Saved his life.
385
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,269
Let's get you two back
in the chairs, actually.
386
00:12:24,270 --> 00:12:25,619
We got another segment for ya.
387
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,803
With wanting to get adopted-
- I tried to get your baba
388
00:12:27,804 --> 00:12:29,629
that the witch threw in the fountain.
389
00:12:29,630 --> 00:12:31,379
- Is it gone? You couldn't find it?
390
00:12:31,380 --> 00:12:32,212
- Hey, nope, no.
391
00:12:32,213 --> 00:12:34,529
And we're gonna go ahead
and we're gonna take a seat.
392
00:12:34,530 --> 00:12:35,696
- I want my baba.
393
00:12:35,697 --> 00:12:38,219
- I don't wanna be on "Nightly News",
394
00:12:38,220 --> 00:12:40,259
and so, sort of, we all have
to deal with what we got.
395
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,132
- Gosh. It's so hard being a
396
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:43,912
iceman.
- [Vic] Don't.
397
00:12:43,913 --> 00:12:46,049
And you don't listen to the child,
398
00:12:46,050 --> 00:12:47,463
because I've set a clear boundary
399
00:12:47,464 --> 00:12:48,896
on who's allowed to do that.
- Do the Jim Halpert to me.
400
00:12:48,897 --> 00:12:50,316
- No, we're not doing any Jim Halpert.
401
00:12:50,317 --> 00:12:52,409
- I'm going to kill Roy
402
00:12:52,410 --> 00:12:54,419
and bed Pam Beesly-
- [Vic] We can't use that.
403
00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:56,093
We can't use that.
- If it's the last thing I do.
404
00:12:56,094 --> 00:12:56,926
- [Vic] We can't use that.
405
00:12:56,927 --> 00:12:58,642
And here we go. And here we go up.
406
00:12:58,643 --> 00:13:00,642
(Archimedes giggling)
- Wait, could you-
407
00:13:00,643 --> 00:13:02,759
- So if anybody's gonna get a Jim Halpert
408
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,083
sort of shrug, it's me.
409
00:13:07,125 --> 00:13:08,867
- That was very good. Very funny.
410
00:13:08,868 --> 00:13:09,700
- Do you think?
411
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:11,102
- [Ollie] Very funny.
- You thought that was funny?
412
00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:12,214
- My god.
413
00:13:12,215 --> 00:13:13,047
- Really good.
414
00:13:13,048 --> 00:13:14,759
- The thing behind your eyes
415
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,153
that desires approval is
absolutely disgusting.
416
00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:21,209
- [Vic] All right, my beautiful boys,
417
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:23,339
it is time for rapid fire questions.
418
00:13:23,340 --> 00:13:24,196
- Yay.
419
00:13:24,197 --> 00:13:26,369
(mellow music)
420
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:29,217
- What is the biggest difference
between the two of you?
421
00:13:29,218 --> 00:13:30,490
- Bad.
422
00:13:30,491 --> 00:13:31,323
- Good.
423
00:13:31,324 --> 00:13:32,219
- That you're bad and you're good?
424
00:13:32,220 --> 00:13:34,319
Does that cause problems between you two?
425
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,526
- No.
- Not at all. No.
426
00:13:35,527 --> 00:13:37,409
It's ying and yang.
427
00:13:37,410 --> 00:13:38,579
- Hesitation.
428
00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:40,217
Why did you hesitate?
- I didn't.
429
00:13:40,218 --> 00:13:41,519
- [Vic] There was a moment of hesitation.
430
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,524
You said it doesn't, and
then you said it doesn't.
431
00:13:43,525 --> 00:13:44,495
- It doesn't.
432
00:13:44,496 --> 00:13:47,879
- It doesn't, and it's yin
and yang, dear brother.
433
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:48,712
- What did I say?
434
00:13:48,713 --> 00:13:52,049
- You said ying, like the Ying Yang Twins.
435
00:13:52,050 --> 00:13:53,699
Skeet-skeet-skeet, motherfucker.
436
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,409
- Okay, well, when you get parents,
437
00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:57,179
we're gonna talk to them
about your language.
438
00:13:57,180 --> 00:13:58,769
Okay, are you religious?
439
00:13:58,770 --> 00:14:00,089
- In the way that we all are.
440
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:01,679
Our actions are our worship
441
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:02,909
and our gods are nameless.
- No.
442
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,589
Whatever the house wants.
443
00:14:04,590 --> 00:14:05,488
- What?
- Whatever the house
444
00:14:05,489 --> 00:14:06,846
that we're going to would like us to be.
445
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,669
- We have a devout faith
446
00:14:08,670 --> 00:14:11,639
in whatever our prospective
parents already believe in.
447
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,630
- Very good. Very nice.
- Like a non-answer,
448
00:14:13,631 --> 00:14:14,738
but I will let it pass-
- Sorry about that one.
449
00:14:14,739 --> 00:14:16,210
- [Vic] Cause you're children.
- It's okay.
450
00:14:16,211 --> 00:14:17,043
- Final question,
451
00:14:17,044 --> 00:14:18,269
which I ask each and
every one of my guests.
452
00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:20,759
What is the meaning of life?
453
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,669
- For me, I think the meaning of love.
454
00:14:23,670 --> 00:14:24,680
- Life.
455
00:14:24,681 --> 00:14:27,095
(Ollie chuckles)
456
00:14:27,096 --> 00:14:28,469
- The meaning of love.
457
00:14:28,470 --> 00:14:32,039
- I slipped up, but I did say
what I meant at the end of it.
458
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:33,569
- Right, well then, what's your answer?
459
00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:35,309
- I'll never be able to say something
460
00:14:35,310 --> 00:14:36,869
as profound as my brother.
461
00:14:36,870 --> 00:14:40,289
My desire for my words to
have sterile, clinical,
462
00:14:40,290 --> 00:14:43,409
literal meanings is sort of a wall
463
00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:46,709
that prevents me from
venturing close to people.
464
00:14:46,710 --> 00:14:49,049
Sometimes I think the most direct route
465
00:14:49,050 --> 00:14:51,299
to another's heart is through nonsense,
466
00:14:51,300 --> 00:14:53,189
and nonsense has always eluded me.
467
00:14:53,190 --> 00:14:54,509
- Well, to you then, what is the direct,
468
00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:56,009
literal meaning of life?
469
00:14:56,010 --> 00:14:59,249
- I hope, before I am dead,
470
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:02,819
and my atoms are collected
back into the neutron star
471
00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:05,039
at the center of the baby dimension,
472
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:08,819
that I will discover
why the love that I have
473
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:13,293
for my brother was not
enough for him to feel whole,
474
00:15:14,130 --> 00:15:17,549
when that love is all that sustains me
475
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:20,639
and all that I think I will ever have.
476
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,219
- I think what he meant to say was,
477
00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:25,709
we like to haves fun and get tickles.
478
00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:26,542
- Okay.
479
00:15:26,543 --> 00:15:27,968
- [Ollie] Right?
- Fun and tickles!
480
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,543
- Fun and tickles, right?
(Archimedes shouts)
481
00:15:29,544 --> 00:15:30,559
- Okay. Okay.
(Ollie laughs)
482
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:31,397
(glass shattering)
483
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,059
Ha, let's move on. We're gonna move on.
484
00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:35,129
I think maybe it's time to go inward,
485
00:15:35,130 --> 00:15:36,209
and how are we gonna do that?
486
00:15:36,210 --> 00:15:37,866
With our dice of emotion.
487
00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:39,779
(mellow music)
488
00:15:39,780 --> 00:15:43,049
The first one has an action,
the second one has an emotion,
489
00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:44,069
so we're gonna use this
490
00:15:44,070 --> 00:15:46,109
to facilitate a conversation
between the two of us.
491
00:15:46,110 --> 00:15:47,609
Make sure that we are on the same page.
492
00:15:47,610 --> 00:15:50,159
That way we can get adopted
together, all right?
493
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:51,419
- [Archimedes] I'll do it first.
494
00:15:51,420 --> 00:15:52,337
- [Vic] Okay, so kinda-
- Oh, I can't...
495
00:15:52,338 --> 00:15:53,819
Can you get that?
- Kinda off camera.
496
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:55,920
Yep, and I'm gonna go ahead and grab that.
497
00:15:56,955 --> 00:15:58,139
No!
498
00:15:58,140 --> 00:15:59,309
No!
499
00:15:59,310 --> 00:16:00,179
Get back!
500
00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:02,909
No, no. Sit and stay.
501
00:16:02,910 --> 00:16:07,019
Sit! I swear, and stay, and there we go.
502
00:16:07,020 --> 00:16:09,749
- My brother's gonna hit that
fucking vape, or I'll be dead.
503
00:16:09,750 --> 00:16:12,059
- Well, then get busy dying, all right?
504
00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:12,929
Don't worry. Cut that part.
505
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:13,949
Cut that part.
- Don't cut it.
506
00:16:13,950 --> 00:16:15,659
I don't want any of this cut.
507
00:16:15,660 --> 00:16:17,669
I want this raw and unedited.
508
00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:19,259
- I used to be just like you two.
509
00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:21,234
I used to be so controlling.
510
00:16:21,235 --> 00:16:23,173
- You did not used to be just like me.
511
00:16:23,174 --> 00:16:25,139
- What do you mean?
- I mean, be real.
512
00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:27,089
You were just like me?
- I was just like you.
513
00:16:27,090 --> 00:16:28,829
I was very academic, I was really smart,
514
00:16:28,830 --> 00:16:30,599
everybody said I was the
smartest person that they knew,
515
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,699
and sometimes when you're the
smartest person in the room,
516
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:36,029
it's hard to go, "huh, maybe I
need to change a little bit."
517
00:16:36,030 --> 00:16:37,350
Does that sound familiar?
518
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:39,479
- Damn.
519
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,829
- No.
520
00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:42,689
No, that came off maybe. No.
521
00:16:42,690 --> 00:16:44,729
I just mean, no, 'cause you're a baby,
522
00:16:44,730 --> 00:16:46,203
and I just wanna, hey.
523
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:49,109
Okay, so let's go ahead-
524
00:16:49,110 --> 00:16:51,929
- Why didn't you complete
the touch to my knee?
525
00:16:51,930 --> 00:16:54,111
It would've been so reassuring.
526
00:16:54,112 --> 00:16:55,535
- I did.
527
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:56,368
- [Archimedes] No.
- You want me to do it again?
528
00:16:56,369 --> 00:16:58,049
- Yes, please.
529
00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:00,539
A glide, closer than the last time,
530
00:17:00,540 --> 00:17:03,419
but still about one and
one half inches away
531
00:17:03,420 --> 00:17:05,597
from skin contact.
- Here we go.
532
00:17:07,230 --> 00:17:08,549
Boop-boop-boop-boop.
533
00:17:08,550 --> 00:17:10,852
- This is torture.
- Are you afraid to-
534
00:17:10,853 --> 00:17:12,839
Oh.
- Ah.
535
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:14,039
- And there we go.
536
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:15,869
And there we go, so I'm
just saying let's be open
537
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:18,921
to a new experience and learning
something about each other.
538
00:17:18,922 --> 00:17:19,997
(Ollie burps)
539
00:17:21,181 --> 00:17:23,062
Are you okay?
540
00:17:23,063 --> 00:17:24,869
- He'll stop doing it if
you give him his baba.
541
00:17:24,870 --> 00:17:25,702
- [Vic] And I won't.
542
00:17:25,703 --> 00:17:27,539
You can take some milk.
You can have some coffee.
543
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:29,639
I think kids love coffee.
Keeps the energy up.
544
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,829
I watched one episode of
"Toddlers and Tiaras".
545
00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:33,601
Okay, so we can go ahead and do that.
546
00:17:33,602 --> 00:17:35,554
So, Amadeus?
547
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,620
- Oh my god.
548
00:17:36,621 --> 00:17:38,006
- Archimedes.
- Really?
549
00:17:38,007 --> 00:17:38,999
Are you serious?
550
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,169
- Archimedes, if you could go ahead-
551
00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:41,339
- No.
552
00:17:41,340 --> 00:17:42,272
You want me to brush past it?
553
00:17:42,273 --> 00:17:44,009
I can't. It's my brother.
554
00:17:44,010 --> 00:17:45,239
- Well, and it was an accident, okay?
555
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:46,679
- We've been here for 40 minutes.
556
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,129
- I can't believe they
don't know Rachmaninoff,
557
00:17:50,130 --> 00:17:52,334
but Amadeus is in the chamber.
558
00:17:52,335 --> 00:17:53,604
(Jacob and Vic laugh)
559
00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:55,423
(mellow music)
(beep)
560
00:17:55,424 --> 00:17:57,719
- Okay, here we go, everyone.
561
00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,400
We have: apologize,
562
00:18:01,710 --> 00:18:03,509
open-mindedly.
563
00:18:03,510 --> 00:18:05,229
- [Archimedes] Great.
- Okay, so Archimedes.
564
00:18:05,230 --> 00:18:06,389
- Yeah.
- If you can go ahead
565
00:18:06,390 --> 00:18:09,659
and apologize open-mindedly to Ollie.
566
00:18:09,660 --> 00:18:13,229
- Open-mindedly means that
all options are possible.
567
00:18:13,230 --> 00:18:16,469
In order to apologize, one needs certainty
568
00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,929
about the thing they are regretful over.
569
00:18:18,930 --> 00:18:22,323
To apologize open-mindedly
is the action of a madman!
570
00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:25,379
So maybe I'm sorry.
571
00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:27,322
- Ollie, how did that feel?
- (whispering) Just try it.
572
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:28,636
- Okay, I'll try it.
- (whispering) Just try it.
573
00:18:28,637 --> 00:18:31,229
- Ollie, I'm sorry that I'm so sinister
574
00:18:31,230 --> 00:18:33,659
that I've ruined any
chance at joy in your life.
575
00:18:33,660 --> 00:18:36,479
- No, I've got plenty of joy.
576
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,899
Apology accepted, but mostly unnecessary.
577
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,489
- Did we see that? I did that.
578
00:18:41,490 --> 00:18:42,599
That was beautiful.
579
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,843
So Ollie, why don't you go
ahead and give the dice a roll?
580
00:18:47,070 --> 00:18:48,624
So apologize again. (laughs)
581
00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:50,929
- You can't argue with the dice.
582
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,220
- So we once again got
apologize open-mindedly.
583
00:18:54,221 --> 00:18:55,053
(crew laughing)
584
00:18:55,054 --> 00:18:56,557
(mellow music)
(beep)
585
00:18:56,558 --> 00:18:58,709
- I'd like to apologize in advance.
586
00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:00,869
- What?
- For what I'm about to say,
587
00:19:00,870 --> 00:19:03,960
'cause I've never said it before.
588
00:19:03,961 --> 00:19:05,523
You're quite tough, brother,
589
00:19:05,524 --> 00:19:09,119
and I'd be willing to
get adopted without you,
590
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,419
because I hunger for the touch
of a woman who's my mother,
591
00:19:12,420 --> 00:19:14,819
and I'm trying to keep you on the rails,
592
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:18,179
but I also feel like I'm
keeping you from being yourself,
593
00:19:18,180 --> 00:19:21,329
and I need to be myself, and I need love,
594
00:19:21,330 --> 00:19:22,380
and I'll
595
00:19:24,810 --> 00:19:26,507
toss you aside to get it.
596
00:19:29,117 --> 00:19:30,700
- Well, well, well.
597
00:19:31,426 --> 00:19:33,479
- Push, push, push.
598
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,505
- Yes, push in on my brother, cameraman.
599
00:19:36,506 --> 00:19:37,938
(breathy sobs)
600
00:19:37,939 --> 00:19:40,409
Push in on him.
- [Ollie] I'm so sorry.
601
00:19:40,410 --> 00:19:42,019
I'm so sorry.
602
00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:45,209
- Keep your tears to yourself, traitor.
603
00:19:45,210 --> 00:19:50,210
Yes, you've finally shown
yourself more snake than baby.
604
00:19:50,727 --> 00:19:52,722
You viper.
605
00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:54,540
You understand.
606
00:19:55,531 --> 00:19:58,589
You understand all too well.
607
00:19:58,590 --> 00:20:02,159
Love, a tender feeling of the heart,
608
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:07,160
but from whence the
suppleness of tender sentiment
609
00:20:07,350 --> 00:20:11,549
that arises in the body seeking softness,
610
00:20:11,550 --> 00:20:14,549
but that softness can only dwell
611
00:20:14,550 --> 00:20:17,459
where it is matched by
a softness of the heart.
612
00:20:17,460 --> 00:20:20,909
Some of us are born cold inside,
613
00:20:20,910 --> 00:20:24,839
and no mother's love would
make us feel anything.
614
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,749
Only in dreams, tender sleep.
615
00:20:27,750 --> 00:20:28,747
- [Vic] Nope. Nope.
616
00:20:28,748 --> 00:20:30,077
- [Archimedes] Tender sleep.
- Nope, nope, nope, nope.
617
00:20:30,078 --> 00:20:31,099
Drop him. Drop him.
- Just a little bit.
618
00:20:31,100 --> 00:20:32,129
Let me go a little bit, no.
- [Vic] Drop him. No.
619
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,027
I hate to do this. It's
gonna be a timeout.
620
00:20:34,028 --> 00:20:35,699
(Ollie gasps)
- You wouldn't dare!
621
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:36,899
- And it's gonna be a timeout.
622
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:37,732
- Brother.
- Don't do it.
623
00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:39,209
- They're coming between us.
624
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:40,289
- [Ollie] No!
- It's a timeout.
625
00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:41,219
- They are a usurper.
626
00:20:41,220 --> 00:20:42,052
- I'm sorry!
- [Vic] Okay,
627
00:20:42,053 --> 00:20:43,556
and it's gonna be a timeout.
- Do it! Put him in timeout!
628
00:20:43,557 --> 00:20:44,389
- And we're going in the timeout.
629
00:20:44,390 --> 00:20:46,889
- I can't believe I said it, just do it!
630
00:20:46,890 --> 00:20:49,169
- I'm going to die in here!
631
00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:50,002
- [Vic] You're not gonna die.
632
00:20:50,003 --> 00:20:51,149
You're gonna be here
in here for two minutes
633
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:52,382
and we're gonna set the timer.
- I feel as if
634
00:20:52,383 --> 00:20:53,357
I've already killed you.
635
00:20:53,358 --> 00:20:54,689
- [Vic] And I read a parenting book
636
00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:56,039
when Bianca was going through a little bit
637
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,679
of sort of a rebellious phase at 28,
638
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:00,419
and I feel like I just sort of,
639
00:21:00,420 --> 00:21:03,479
I know that you just need
some time to yourself, okay?
640
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,489
So that's what we're
gonna do. So there we go.
641
00:21:05,490 --> 00:21:07,349
- I'll find out what your bones look like.
642
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,909
- [Vic] So, hey, here we go.
643
00:21:08,910 --> 00:21:10,692
Jesus Christ. Okay, so-
644
00:21:10,693 --> 00:21:11,919
- Let me have it, please!
645
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,495
I've done the most fucked up-
- [Vic] You are in trouble.
646
00:21:13,496 --> 00:21:14,669
- Thing I've ever done in my life!
647
00:21:14,670 --> 00:21:15,989
- Okay, so we're gonna
put this somewhere safe,
648
00:21:15,990 --> 00:21:17,340
so close your eyes.
- Ugh.
649
00:21:21,003 --> 00:21:22,960
- Okay, and you can open.
650
00:21:22,961 --> 00:21:23,939
- Am I bad?
651
00:21:23,940 --> 00:21:25,319
- [Vic] I don't think
it's bad to want love.
652
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,789
Could you have handled it better?
653
00:21:26,790 --> 00:21:28,409
And can you replace family?
654
00:21:28,410 --> 00:21:30,329
No. It's really hard to replace family.
655
00:21:30,330 --> 00:21:33,933
Trust me, I've tried, and it is difficult.
656
00:21:33,934 --> 00:21:35,519
- Okay.
- And can I be
657
00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:36,899
honest with you?
- [Ollie] Right.
658
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:38,305
- Can I be vulnerable with you?
659
00:21:38,306 --> 00:21:39,305
- I'd like that.
660
00:21:39,306 --> 00:21:42,719
- You seem better than your
brother when you're together.
661
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:43,889
- Right.
- [Vic] And with it
662
00:21:43,890 --> 00:21:46,049
just sort of being you
and me sitting right here,
663
00:21:46,050 --> 00:21:48,539
I'm sort of seeing maybe the edges.
664
00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:49,372
- What do you mean?
665
00:21:49,373 --> 00:21:51,089
- I know that it seems like,
between the two of you,
666
00:21:51,090 --> 00:21:52,079
you're the better option,
667
00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:53,639
but sort of between the rest of the world,
668
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,139
you two are both bad options.
669
00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:56,279
- Oh.
670
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,369
Like I'm the second
dirtiest penny in the pond?
671
00:21:59,370 --> 00:22:00,899
- Okay, so it seems
like you do understand.
672
00:22:00,900 --> 00:22:01,732
What a beautiful metaphor.
673
00:22:01,733 --> 00:22:04,109
- Oh, that's quite treacherous.
674
00:22:04,110 --> 00:22:06,149
- Well, we can go ahead and
see if anybody's on the phone,
675
00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,099
and I'm getting a big head shake
676
00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:09,209
from sort of everybody there.
677
00:22:09,210 --> 00:22:10,580
There is nobody on the phone looking to-
678
00:22:10,581 --> 00:22:11,619
- Fly!
(fly buzzing)
679
00:22:11,620 --> 00:22:12,656
- Okay, and so-
- A fly!
680
00:22:12,657 --> 00:22:14,519
- You know what, I think
maybe we go find your brother
681
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,219
and we apologize, 'cause I
think you two need each other,
682
00:22:17,220 --> 00:22:18,052
and as much as
(fabric ripping)
683
00:22:18,053 --> 00:22:19,277
the love of a mother is nice,
684
00:22:19,278 --> 00:22:21,419
sometimes even if you have a
mother, you don't get her love.
685
00:22:21,420 --> 00:22:22,252
- Thank you.
686
00:22:22,253 --> 00:22:23,669
- And so if you have
somebody that loves you,
687
00:22:23,670 --> 00:22:24,899
you kind of gotta hold onto them,
688
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:26,369
'cause it's kind of cold out here.
689
00:22:26,370 --> 00:22:27,239
- It's awful.
690
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,639
I thought he was bad, but I'm bad.
691
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,039
- What you did was colder than
his cadaver ice cold skin,
692
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:33,629
but it's not too late.
- Brother!
693
00:22:33,630 --> 00:22:34,904
- You go apologize to him
- Brother!
694
00:22:34,905 --> 00:22:36,269
- for real this time.
695
00:22:36,270 --> 00:22:38,070
Okay, and so we just. And it's fine.
696
00:22:39,202 --> 00:22:42,119
(dark eerie music)
697
00:22:44,090 --> 00:22:45,140
(Ollie gasping)
698
00:22:45,631 --> 00:22:47,729
- Who's this man?
699
00:22:47,730 --> 00:22:49,137
- [Archimedes] How hard is it to get a
700
00:22:49,138 --> 00:22:51,629
fucking mommy around here?
701
00:22:51,630 --> 00:22:53,189
Am I right?
702
00:22:53,190 --> 00:22:54,022
(upbeat music)
- I'm Vic Michaelis,
703
00:22:54,023 --> 00:22:55,979
reminding you to be true to yourself,
704
00:22:55,980 --> 00:22:57,659
unless you'd rather be somebody else.
705
00:22:57,660 --> 00:22:58,492
Goodnight.
706
00:22:58,493 --> 00:23:00,213
- I'm sorry for what I've said.
707
00:23:01,350 --> 00:23:02,658
- Never apologize.
708
00:23:02,659 --> 00:23:03,862
You are perfect.
709
00:23:03,863 --> 00:23:06,149
You are my ideal form.
(Vic exhales and coughs)
710
00:23:06,150 --> 00:23:08,279
You could never do anything wrong.
711
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,983
But if you ever speak crossly to me again,
712
00:23:10,984 --> 00:23:13,469
I'm gonna pull your head off
713
00:23:13,470 --> 00:23:15,209
just like I did that fucking bear.
714
00:23:15,210 --> 00:23:16,079
- My mom bought me that
715
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,729
when I was in the hospital for six months.
716
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:20,483
- Back to the baby dimension!
717
00:23:20,484 --> 00:23:21,691
(portal blip)
718
00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:24,175
(upbeat jazzy music)
719
00:23:25,457 --> 00:23:27,865
(lively rock music)
720
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:30,625
- Shh.
721
00:23:32,550 --> 00:23:34,233
Whoa. Did you just litter that?
722
00:23:34,234 --> 00:23:37,379
That's a misdemeanor crime
in the state of California.
723
00:23:37,380 --> 00:23:38,699
You're on a hidden camera
show. It's a prank.
724
00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:39,579
It's a prank.
725
00:23:39,580 --> 00:23:40,920
You got Chomp'd!
726
00:23:40,921 --> 00:23:42,419
You got Chomp'd!
727
00:23:42,420 --> 00:23:43,979
Johnny, you got Chomp'd!
728
00:23:43,980 --> 00:23:45,310
Johnny! (laughs)
(beep)
729
00:23:49,830 --> 00:23:51,719
Hello. Good morning.
730
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:52,803
How are you?
731
00:23:54,180 --> 00:23:57,089
So, heard you are chit-chatting
732
00:23:57,090 --> 00:24:00,659
about wanting to have sexual
relations with someone.
733
00:24:00,660 --> 00:24:02,099
Who is it? Who is it?
734
00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:03,509
Tell me.
735
00:24:03,510 --> 00:24:04,379
You're on hidden camera show.
736
00:24:04,380 --> 00:24:06,528
You got Chomp'd!
737
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:08,454
(Vic chortling)
738
00:24:08,504 --> 00:24:13,054
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