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1
00:00:02,270 --> 00:00:03,871
Yo, dude, what up?
2
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:06,574
Just follow my lead.
3
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,943
Oh, this is awesome.
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,580
Eh, it's just
a little surf shack
5
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:14,815
where I keep my board,
beer and brother.
6
00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:20,654
How they breakin' today,
Bro-heim?
7
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:24,158
How are what breaking?
8
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:26,460
He smokes way
too much weed.
9
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,497
The waves, Poindexter.
10
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,532
Oh, oh, the waves...
11
00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:34,202
the waves are...
12
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,604
knarly?
13
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,639
Well, all right, let's hit it.
14
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:42,676
Oh, I intend to.
15
00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,011
Why don't you head out.
I'll throw on my suit
16
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,614
and meet you there.
Awesome.
17
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:53,587
Mm, bodacious and tubular.
18
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,891
Uh, excuse
me, Moon Doggie--
19
00:00:57,958 --> 00:00:59,593
quick question.
20
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:00,628
Yeah.
21
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:02,163
You don't surf, do you?
22
00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:03,931
Not a bit.
23
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:07,501
So how did Gidget get the idea
you were the Big Kahuna?
24
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,669
I hold her I hang ten,
25
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,571
and I guess she
misunderstood.
26
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:13,541
You're going to Hell, you know.
27
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,975
I don't think so.
28
00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:17,545
I believe in a loving God
who forgives little fibs
29
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,713
as long as they lead
to recreational sex.
30
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,516
You really want to drag
God into this?
31
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:26,019
Who gave me
the penis, Alan?
32
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,222
Since when do you
have a wet suit?
33
00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,258
Since I moved
to the beach
34
00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,560
and noticed it was full
of hot surfer chicks.
35
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,698
If I lived next
to Jellystone Park,
36
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:40,834
I'd have a bear suit
and a "pic-a-nic" basket.
37
00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:43,871
Would you get the door?
38
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,907
(glass breaking)
39
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:50,178
Oopsie.
40
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:52,012
Smooth.
41
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,847
So just out
of curiosity,
42
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:56,884
how exactly do you plan
to pull this off?
43
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,086
Simple--
paddle out,
44
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,655
yell "shark"
and paddle in.
45
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,023
So you've thought this through?
46
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:04,892
I'm not an idiot.
47
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,661
(glass breaking)
48
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,663
Whoopsie.
49
00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:13,901
Over here.
50
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,570
What happened?
51
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,105
I don't know.
(coughing)
52
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,106
This tiny wave
came at us,
53
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,641
I let it go.
54
00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,243
He screamed like a girl
and fell off his board.
55
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,346
I had to give him
mouth-to-mouth,
56
00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:27,014
he swallowed
a lot of water.
57
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,816
He's going to be okay?
58
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,150
I think so.
59
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,652
He tried slipping
me the tongue.
60
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,256
Charlie, can you hear me?
(coughing)
61
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:39,059
Sha...
62
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:39,827
What?
63
00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,795
Sha...
64
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,697
I think he's trying
to say shark."
65
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,702
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
66
00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:52,172
* Ah-ha
* Men... *
67
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,479
Want something to drink?
68
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,381
Oh, yeah.
69
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:06,287
Ugh.
70
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:07,555
What is this?
71
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:08,922
Water.
72
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:11,492
Are you crazy?
I almost drowned in that stuff.
73
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,399
Where's my
little hard body?
74
00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,834
He took off with that girl
you brought home.
75
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,407
Other than that, your plan
worked like a charm.
76
00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:28,876
Fine. Go ahead and mock me.
77
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,878
But I could
have died out there.
78
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:33,614
Well the sea is
a harsh mistress.
79
00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:36,517
And... you're a moron.
80
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,821
What? You said to mock you.
81
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:41,955
It's no joke, Alan.
82
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,757
Oh, come on.
83
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,559
You tried to scam your way
into a surf bunny's shorts
84
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,762
and ended up French kissing
a handsome young lifeguard.
85
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,864
How is that not a joke?
86
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,868
It's not a joke, because...
87
00:03:56,870 --> 00:04:00,308
Something happened out there
while I was drowning.
88
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,876
What, did your entire sordid,
degenerate life
89
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,645
flash before your eyes?
90
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,880
I wish.
91
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,417
No, no, no.
92
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:10,918
It was...
93
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,686
Oh, you're not
going to believe me.
94
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,288
Try me.
95
00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,925
I saw Dad.
96
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,960
Oh, baloney.
97
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,729
You know what?
98
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,963
Just forget it.
99
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,565
Oh, come on, it was
probably just
100
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,634
a hallucination
caused by, you know,
101
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,336
brain cells dying.
102
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:32,272
No, I'm used to that.
103
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,977
This was no hallucination.
104
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,413
Dad was right there
in the water with me.
105
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,682
All right, all right,
for the sake of argument
106
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,384
let's assume that you saw
107
00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,285
the spirit of
our dead father.
108
00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:46,920
What did he do,
reach a hand out
109
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,822
to guide you to
the great beyond?
110
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,724
Don't be ridiculous.
111
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,327
He didn't have hands.
112
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:58,999
It was just his head
kind of floating there
113
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:02,436
like the great, powerful Oz.
114
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:07,307
Or one of the Pep Boys.
115
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,977
Wow.
116
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,079
Manny, Moe or Jack?
117
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,614
Jack.
118
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:18,586
And he spoke to me.
119
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,521
Oh, oh, you were
able to hear him
120
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:21,489
underwater?
121
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:22,823
How weird.
122
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,958
Oh, that's the part
that bumps you?
123
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,628
I'm just saying
that you were able to hear him
124
00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:28,796
because you were
imagining it.
125
00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:29,930
It was in your head.
126
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,532
No. Oh, no.
127
00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:32,900
In a million years my mind
128
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,469
could not have made up
what he said to me.
129
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:36,737
What'd he say?
130
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,406
(sighs)
131
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,974
Something that made
my blood run cold.
132
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,476
What?
133
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:44,745
Never mind.
134
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,346
I probably heard him wrong.
135
00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:49,016
Charlie...
Please don't
make me say it.
136
00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,984
Come on, Charlie,
I am your brother.
137
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,554
Whatever it was, we'll
deal with it together.
138
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,526
He said...
139
00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:00,761
"Take care of your mother."
140
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,968
Good luck with that.
141
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,972
* Men. *
142
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,142
Hey.
143
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,977
Hey.
144
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,379
Dad said
you almost drowned today.
145
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:21,081
Yep.
146
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,750
Are you okay now?
147
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,652
I'm fine.
148
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:25,986
Can I ask you a question?
149
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,721
Sure.
150
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,823
It's about what happens
when you die.
151
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,158
Okay.
152
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,494
Who gets your car?
153
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,998
Go away.
154
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,968
You're right.
Not a good
time to ask.
155
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:46,974
So, what you doing?
156
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,176
Thinking
about Dad.
157
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,012
Yeah, about that,
158
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,982
I was wondering,
when you saw him,
159
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,084
assuming you saw him,
160
00:06:57,150 --> 00:07:00,087
did he... ask about me?
161
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,022
No.
162
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,692
He just said,
"Take are of your mother."
163
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,159
Huh.
164
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,861
Didn't... didn't mention
me at all?
165
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,096
Nope.
166
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,998
Typical.
167
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,900
Oh, here we go.
168
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,434
I'm just saying,
169
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,003
the guy doesn't get
in touch for 30 years--
170
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,706
it wouldn't kill him
to throw in a quick,
"Hello, Alan."
171
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,041
Dead or alive,
that's just rude.
172
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,175
Tell you what.
173
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,977
Why don't you go
fill up the tub,
174
00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:25,012
I'll hold your head
under the water
175
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,680
till the bubbles stop,
176
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,782
and then you can tell him
how offended you are.
177
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:32,152
Oh, no. I have nothing
to say to him now.
178
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:38,492
How does he expect me
to take care of her?
179
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:39,993
I don't know.
180
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,062
Why don't you try
treating her like
a human being?
181
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:45,999
Nah, that can't be it.
182
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,536
What if I put her in
an assisted-living facility?
183
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:51,104
That's ridiculous.
She's a healthy woman.
184
00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,607
I'm not saying she wouldn't
put up a fight.
185
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,043
But hey, crumble up
a few Xanax in her mimosa
186
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:59,513
and we could probably coax her
into a cave full of bats.
187
00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:02,149
I don't think
that's what Dad meant.
188
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,917
How do you know?
189
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,018
Did he talk to you?
190
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,020
No, he talked to me.
191
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,690
Sure, rub my nose in it.
192
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,158
How about this--
193
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,026
when was the last time
you called her
194
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,528
just to see how she was doing?
195
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:18,198
Uh... what's today, Sunday?
196
00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:20,033
Then never.
197
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,904
Why don't you
start with that?
198
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:26,707
Okay. Fine.
199
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:28,208
Remember her number?
200
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:30,043
I've got it
on speed dial.
201
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,212
6-6-6.
202
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:34,214
Cute, huh?
203
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,620
Hey, Mom, it's Charlie.
204
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:40,988
Nothing's the matter.
205
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,056
I just called to see
how you're doing.
206
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,593
No, I'm not drunk.
207
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:46,860
I was just thinking
about you,
208
00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,562
and I thought I'd call.
209
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:51,031
I swear to God
I'm not drunk.
210
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,667
Peter Piper picked a peck
of pickled peppers.
211
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,535
You happy?
212
00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,237
So what's going on?
213
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,640
I haven't talked
to you in awhi...
214
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:03,176
Well, I'm talking
to you now.
215
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:08,882
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
216
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,984
Excuse me?
217
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,253
Okay. Okay. Okay.
218
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:18,125
So... everything okay?
219
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,328
I'm taking her
to lunch tomorrow.
220
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,130
Voluntarily?
221
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:27,635
Wow, you must have really had a
spiritual experience out there.
222
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,069
Let's face it, Alan,
223
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:32,039
when Dad was alive,
I was a rotten son.
224
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,173
Oh, you sure were.
225
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,675
You were horrible.
226
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:35,743
Boy, I remember the time...
227
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,678
The point is...
228
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,748
maybe I've got a chance
to make up for it now.
229
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,750
He wants me to take care
of Mom,
230
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,184
then that's what
we're going to do.
231
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,119
Well, that-that's gr...
232
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,055
Wait a minute,
did you say "we"?
233
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,256
I'm not going.
234
00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:50,924
Fine.
235
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:52,693
Next time I see our father's
floating head,
236
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,695
I'm going to tell him
you refused to help.
237
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:57,264
(mocking tone):
I'm going to tell him,
I'm going to tell him.
238
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,032
God, you're
such a child.
239
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,068
So you're coming?
Yeah.
240
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,873
I can't tell you
what a treat it is
241
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,208
to have lunch with my
two favorite sons.
242
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,010
You have others?
243
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:13,180
It's an expression, Charlie.
244
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,248
Although I do sponsor
a little boy in Africa.
245
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,316
No kidding?
246
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,686
Oh, yes. Little Mobutu.
247
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:21,154
He's in the middle
of a civil war,
248
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,123
and I still hear from him
more than you.
249
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,661
Hey, Alan, tell Mom what that
little rascal Jake's been up to.
250
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,298
He hasn't been up to anything.
251
00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:36,870
Okay.
252
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:37,971
So...
253
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,042
I think I'll go
to the bathroom.
254
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,310
Why?
255
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,746
What do you mean why?
I have to go.
256
00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:48,215
When was the last time you had
a prostate exam?
257
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,017
Feels like I'm having one now.
258
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,119
I'm just expressing concern
for your health.
259
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,021
You don't have to get snippy.
260
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,689
I'm not being snippy.
261
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,125
Is it just me,
or is he snippy?
262
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:00,761
Try living with him.
263
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,730
Excuse me.
264
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,197
All right,
what's going on?
265
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,099
What makes you think
something's going on?
266
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,402
When one of my sons
calls me for no reason
267
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,004
and agrees to take
me to lunch,
268
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,006
something heinous
is going on.
269
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,842
Hey, I took you to lunch
two weeks ago
270
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,676
for no reason other
than I love you.
271
00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:20,080
Oh, yes, the tacky little chain
restaurant in the Valley.
272
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,950
That fish shot out of me
like there was a fire drill.
273
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:26,954
The point is I love you.
274
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,323
The point is I lost
four pounds in two days.
275
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,326
Well, you do look thinner.
276
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,362
It's too late for
flattery, darling.
277
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,798
Now what is going on
with your brother?
278
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,001
I don't think he'd be very happy
with me if I told you.
279
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:43,971
Sweetheart, you're not
his favorite person now.
280
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,005
(sighs)
281
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,307
Okay, here's the thing.
282
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,878
Charlie almost drowned
yesterday.
283
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,212
Oh, dear Lord,
284
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:53,413
I've told him over
and over again
285
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,049
two drinks max
in the hot tub.
286
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,785
No, he was surfing.
287
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:58,418
In the hot tub?
288
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,220
In the ocean.
289
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:01,889
Start again.
290
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:04,191
He was trying to impress
some girl.
291
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,325
Ah, oh, okay.
292
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,760
Like the time he
broke his nose
293
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:07,761
playing tetherball.
294
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,162
Exactly.
295
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:13,433
Anyway, he was convinced
he was near death
296
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,903
and that he saw Dad.
297
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,238
He saw your father?
298
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:20,740
Wow.
299
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,376
How'd he look?
300
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,946
Uh, he was just kind of
a floating head.
301
00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:28,248
Yeah, that's pretty
much how I remember him.
302
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,918
Fairly useless
from the neck down.
303
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:35,288
Anyway, Dad told Charlie
to take care of you.
304
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:40,260
Really?
305
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,761
Anything else?
306
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:42,963
Nope, that's it.
307
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,464
Just for him
to take care of you.
308
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,934
It's like I might as well
not even exist.
309
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,502
Oh, Alan, you can't
take that personally.
310
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:52,305
First of all, Charlie
was a planned baby.
311
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,274
What was I?
312
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,343
Well, dear, you were
a pitcher of margaritas
313
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:58,846
and a gas station condom.
314
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,885
I had a nice solid
stream of urine,
315
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,053
thank you very much.
316
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,387
What?
317
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,389
My prostate is fine.
318
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,024
What kind of table talk is that?
319
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,359
You're the one
that brought it up.
320
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,127
It doesn't matter
who brought it up.
321
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:16,196
I don't want to hear
about it when I'm eating.
322
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,298
You know what?
323
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:20,100
This lunch was a bad idea.
324
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,334
No, don't say that, darling.
325
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:23,203
It was a wonderful idea.
326
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,572
If I'm being ungracious,
I apologize.
327
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,441
All right, let's call it
"ungracious,"
328
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,343
but we all know
what we're thinking.
329
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:35,849
I guess I'm just
a little edgy because, well...
330
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:38,952
No, never mind.
331
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,187
What?
332
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:43,290
Forget it. My problems
are my problems.
333
00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:47,160
I don't expect you
to take care of me.
334
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:52,365
Mom, just for the
sake of argument,
335
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:56,103
let's say that I wanted
to take care of you.
336
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:56,569
What's going on?
337
00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:58,238
Nothing.
338
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:01,608
I'm just having a little minor
surgery tomorrow.
339
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,043
What kind of surgery?
340
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:04,377
It's a woman thing.
341
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:05,478
Is there anything I can do?
342
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:08,415
Just keep me in your prayers.
343
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:09,849
No, no, no.
344
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,318
I will drive you there
345
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,287
and then take you back to my
place so you can recuperate.
346
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,990
Oh, sweetheart,
that's very generous,
347
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,425
but I don't want
to be a burden.
348
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:22,262
Mom, please,
that ship has sailed.
349
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:25,865
Well, then I accept.
350
00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:27,200
Thank you.
351
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:34,107
Who buys condoms
at a gas station?!
352
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,377
* Men. *
353
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,649
Watch your step here.
354
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,028
Thank you, darling.
355
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:04,204
What happened to your mouth?
356
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,639
I just had a little procedure.
357
00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,475
What kind of procedure?
358
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:12,212
They sucked some fat out of her
ass and shot it into her lips.
359
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,352
What did they do,
use the whole ass?
360
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,288
They're just a little swollen.
361
00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,291
In two days they'll be plump,
luscious and ready for action.
362
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:29,496
What boy doesn't like hearing
that from his mother?
363
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:31,598
Charlie, I need to sit down.
364
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,300
Okay,
got you covered.
365
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:36,503
I thought you said
it was a woman thing.
366
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:39,606
You know any guys
dumb enough to do this.
367
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:42,642
Good Lord!
368
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,611
What'd you do,
fellate a beehive?
369
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,181
Fellate?
370
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:51,618
I read. I can conjugate.
371
00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,254
Man, the last time
I saw a mouth like that,
372
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,656
it was trying to eat
Jacques Cousteau.
373
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,930
* Men. *
374
00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:07,167
Here you go, Mom,
nice bite-sized pieces.
375
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:08,668
Thank you, darling.
376
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:12,239
Dad said you got
your butt in your lips.
377
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,678
Just eat your dinner.
378
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,247
Hang on.
379
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:23,250
So if you burp now,
it'd really be a fart, right?
380
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,822
Eat.
381
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:36,029
Charlie, my doughnut's too soft.
382
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,233
So, Jake, has
your mother succeeded
383
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,334
in turning you
against me yet?
384
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:42,469
Mom.
385
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:45,172
What, you don't
think she talks?
386
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,906
You don't think he listens?
387
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:49,409
Trust me, Alan,
even the mind of a dull child
388
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:52,212
can be poisoned
by a malicious parent.
389
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:54,314
Can we just please
change the subject?
390
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:57,150
Although, I must say
I prefer your mother
391
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,186
to that postpubescent
knucklehead
392
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,953
your father replaced her with.
393
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,355
Okay, okay,
that's it.
394
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,157
What? I changed
the subject.
395
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:05,392
Come on, Jake,
We're going to the movies.
396
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:06,493
On a school night?
397
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,161
Why not? You're flunking anyway.
398
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,730
Wait, wait, wait.
You're just leaving me?
399
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,499
You're taking care
of Mom, remember?
400
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,201
That's not fair?
401
00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,169
You got a complaint?
Take it to the floating head.
402
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,477
So how's work?
403
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,113
Fine.
404
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,747
You seeing anybody special?
405
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,316
Nope.
406
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,319
Charlie, did you
ever stop to think
407
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,954
that our relationship
is strained
408
00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:36,489
because you won't let me in.
409
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,258
You won't share.
410
00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:40,260
You know why I won't share
with you, Mom?
411
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:42,462
Because anything I say
will be used against me.
412
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,231
Oh, please.
413
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,833
I have go to the bathroom?
Maybe I have a prostate problem.
414
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,335
I buy a new Mercedes,
415
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,270
you call it
a Nazi phallic symbol.
416
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,205
I'm seeing
someone new,
417
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:56,309
you ask if I'm paying
her by the hour or per shtup.
418
00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:58,378
Charlie, when I say
those things,
419
00:17:58,445 --> 00:17:59,412
it's because I want
to help you.
420
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:00,780
You're my son.
421
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,316
I want you to be
the best you can be.
422
00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:06,219
I appreciate that,
but you can stop worrying.
423
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,320
I'm doing fine.
424
00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,822
I am the best I can be.
425
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:13,493
Oh, darling,
that just breaks my heart.
426
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,465
* Men. *
427
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,172
Why would he do this to me?
428
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,207
"Take care of your mother."
429
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:30,042
Not like she ever took care
of him.
430
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:34,181
She nagged him, humiliated him,
emasculate him.
431
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:39,219
The main reason he died so young
is 'cause he wanted to.
432
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:42,422
Charlie!
My donut's soft again.
433
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,991
Be right there.
434
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,360
Why?
435
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:49,296
Why do you want me
to take care of her?
436
00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:52,265
Charlie!
437
00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:53,533
I'm coming!
438
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,235
Come on. Talk to me.
439
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,003
Give me a sign.
440
00:18:57,069 --> 00:19:01,908
ROSE (deep voice):
Marry that cute girl
down the beach.
441
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,510
Rose.
442
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:07,146
Yes, that's her name.
443
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,148
You know what?
444
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,351
You can tell me in person
because I am this close
445
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,019
to sticking my tongue
in a light socket!
446
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,323
ROSE (normal voice):
Why don't you stick your tongue
447
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:17,424
in my mouth instead?
448
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:23,095
ROSE (deep voice):
I mean, Rose's mouth.
449
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,405
What are you watching?
450
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:34,274
Some old gangster movie.
451
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:37,009
(sighs)
452
00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,311
Any good?
453
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,247
Not really.
454
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,582
Just gives me a warm feeling
455
00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:47,186
to know that all those young
beautiful actors are now dead.
456
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,390
MAN (on TV):
The dame knows too much.
457
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:52,392
MAN 2:
Want I should take care
of her, boss?
458
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,333
Yeah, take care of her,
459
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:04,671
but make it look
like an accident.
460
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,639
Don't worry about a thing.
461
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,675
I'll take care of her.
462
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:11,278
Sorry.
463
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:14,281
I misunderstood.
464
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,316
What's that, dear?
465
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:21,220
Nothing.
466
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:22,589
* Men. *
467
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,494
(knocking)
468
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,467
Hi.
469
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,536
Hello.
470
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,771
I don't know if you remember me,
471
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,240
but I'm the one who pulled you
out of the ocean the other day.
472
00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:43,743
Oh, right, right, right. Thanks.
473
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,378
It's okay, it's my job.
474
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,780
Well, I'm-I'm glad you did it.
475
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,249
Anyway, I was just checking in
on you, see how you're doing.
476
00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:51,684
I'm doing fine.
477
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,453
Good.
478
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,923
So you want to walk down
to the pier,
479
00:20:56,989 --> 00:21:00,192
maybe grab a cup of coffee?
480
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,569
Gee, uh, I don't know.
481
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,638
EVELYN:
Charlie,
482
00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:14,374
it's time to change
my butt dressing.
483
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:17,744
Ah, what the hell. Let's go.
32370
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