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1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:03,437
Previously, on...
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,339
I'm asking you
to marry me.
3
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:07,241
We might as well
just go to Vegas and elope.
4
00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:08,742
If we're gonna have a family,
5
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,045
we'll need to turn the
second bedroom into a nursery.
6
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,813
But that's where
Jake stays.
7
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,215
Yeah, but once Alan moves out,
8
00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:16,117
then Jake won't be
staying there anymore, right?
9
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:17,618
Alan's moving out?
10
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,620
Of course he is.
11
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,688
Isn't he?
12
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,490
I said the wedding's off.
13
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,992
Can I borrow your wedding ring?
What for?
14
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:27,628
Well, I thought,
as long as we're in Vegas,
15
00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:28,562
I'd marry Kandi.
16
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:29,730
(laughing)
17
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:31,265
MAN:
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
18
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:32,466
You may kiss
the bride.
19
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,768
I don't freakin' believe it.
20
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,370
Cheer up, Charlie.
21
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:38,372
You're finally getting
what you always wanted--
22
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:39,907
I'm moving out of your house!
23
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,110
I don't freakin' believe it!
24
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,948
Do we have time to play
roulette before we go?
25
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,283
Oh, honey,
that is a sucker's game.
26
00:00:49,350 --> 00:00:51,085
The odds are totally
stacked against y...
27
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,387
Ooh, Super
Slots O'Fun Jackpot.
28
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:59,193
Sure, make the smart bet.
29
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,128
Here, honey.
30
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:01,829
Kiss it before I put it in.
31
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:04,732
And the honeymoon begins.
32
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,567
Slots O'Fun-- you get it?
33
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:09,303
It's Slots O'Fun.
34
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:11,672
I'm ready for a refill.
35
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,746
Is that good?
36
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:21,749
(bells ringing)
37
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,016
I won.
38
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,118
(laughing)
39
00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:26,720
I won a half a
million dollars!
40
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:27,821
(screaming)
41
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:28,956
(both laughing)
42
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:32,226
I don't freakin' believe it.
43
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,961
Alan, you're rich!
44
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,463
We're rich!
45
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:37,565
We're married now--
what's mine is yours.
46
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:40,100
Really?
47
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,436
And the honeymoon ends.
48
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,407
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
49
00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:49,610
* Ah.
* Men.*
50
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,463
Uh, excuse me.
51
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,064
Do you know
where Charlie is?
52
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,133
Who's Charlie?
53
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,439
(knocking at door)
54
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,673
Charlie?
55
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:20,508
You in here?
56
00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:23,677
(laughing):
Hey, Alan.
57
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,213
Long time, no see.
58
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,714
Say hello to my brother Alan.
59
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:27,781
Hi, Alan.
60
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,049
Hi, Alan.
61
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:29,917
Hi, Alan.
62
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,653
Um...
63
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:33,654
I'm interrupting.
64
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,490
Gee, do you think?
65
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,261
Listen, I really
need to talk to you.
66
00:02:40,328 --> 00:02:41,729
Can you come downstairs?
67
00:02:41,795 --> 00:02:42,863
Sure.
68
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:43,864
Give me...
69
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,667
...an hour and a half.
70
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:47,735
An hour and a half?!
71
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,270
I know it's a little rushed,
72
00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:50,971
but we're on
a tight schedule here.
73
00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:52,039
Tina's got homework,
74
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,507
Cindy's got to meet her fiancé,
75
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:56,344
and Marie--
well, Marie's on the clock.
76
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:59,680
You already had two women in bed
77
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:02,149
Better safe than sorry.
78
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,484
I see.
79
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:05,018
Well, I guess I'll just
wait downstairs.
80
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,387
Good call.
81
00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:09,623
'Cause, you know,
five's a crowd.
82
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,659
(door closes)
83
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:14,662
Okay, does everybody
remember their assignment?
84
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:15,596
Uh-huh.
Yep.
85
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:17,164
Think so.
86
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:19,367
Then let's do this thing.
87
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,381
Hour and a half
on the dot.
88
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,983
Can I plan or what?
89
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,419
Hey, come on.
90
00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:41,655
Show a little class.
91
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:46,427
So, how's the newlywed?
92
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:48,028
Still living the dream?
93
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,597
Well...
I got to tell you, buddy,
94
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:52,300
things haven't been the same
around here since you left.
95
00:03:52,366 --> 00:03:53,434
That's nice, but...
96
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,803
Yeah, they've been way better.
97
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,271
I mean, look around.
98
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,606
I don't even know
these people.
99
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:04,211
Yeah, and I can have sex
in every room in the house now.
100
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,013
I had forgotten
how much fun you can have
101
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,448
on top of a washing machine.
102
00:04:07,515 --> 00:04:10,284
You know-- hibbe-dah, hibbe-dah,
hibbe-dah, hibbe-dah.
103
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:11,852
That does sound like fun, but...
104
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,854
And the best part of all is,
without Jake here,
105
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,255
Mom has no reason to visit.
106
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:18,426
Heck, I may not have to see
her again till we meet in hell.
107
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:19,660
I'm happy for you...
108
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,595
Come to think of it,
without Jake here,
109
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,531
there's no reason
for you to visit, either.
110
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,832
I'm your brother.
111
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,099
Yeah, so?
112
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:27,535
I'm your brother--
I don't visit you.
113
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:29,370
Charlie, listen to me.
114
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,904
My wife threw me out.
115
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,106
Aw, dude...
116
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,107
that's awful.
117
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:35,876
Yeah.
118
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,380
Well, thanks
for stopping by.
119
00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:41,482
Aren't you listening to me?
120
00:04:41,549 --> 00:04:42,916
Kandi doesn't love me anymore.
121
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,352
My marriage is over.
122
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:45,686
My life is in ruins.
123
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,888
Whoa.
124
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:48,922
What?
125
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:52,460
Déjà vu.
126
00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:54,662
It's as if I've lived
through this before
127
00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,196
and didn't really enjoy it.
128
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:57,465
Charlie, I...
129
00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,600
But wait, there's
a difference.
130
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,168
This time,
you can get your own place
131
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,470
instead of sponging off me,
132
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,937
'cause you have money now,
right?
133
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,773
Uh, well...
134
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,875
Oh, you suck!
135
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,109
It wasn't my fault.
136
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,445
There were taxes and the condo
137
00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:14,482
and Kandi's new car
and Kandi's new clothes
138
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,849
and the shoes.
139
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:17,551
Oh, God, so many shoes.
140
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,453
How much do you have left?
141
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,459
Eleven dollars.
142
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,928
Okay, okay, let's start
from the beginning.
143
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,863
Well, things were fine
until about a month ago.
144
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,231
No, no, no, no, no.
145
00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:33,601
I'll go back upstairs,
you come knock on my door again
146
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,436
and say you want
to talk to me.
147
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:36,937
Only this time, I'll kill you!
148
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,306
Oh, come on.
149
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,241
You're all I have left
in this world.
150
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:42,610
I need you, Charlie!
151
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,517
Anybody here know a Charlie?
152
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,654
* Men. *
153
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,058
Ah, geez.
154
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,828
I'm working for Caligula.
155
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,234
Hi, Berta.
156
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,436
Hey, Zippy.
157
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,571
What are you doing here?
158
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,873
My marriage is over.
159
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,007
Kandi kicked me out.
160
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:16,209
Damn, that's horrible.
161
00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:17,411
Yeah.
162
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:20,481
Damn, damn, damn!
163
00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:21,549
Tell me about it.
164
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,984
I had October in the pool.
165
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:29,189
Pool? What-what-what pool?
166
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,191
Me, your brother, your mom,
a couple of neighbors,
167
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:34,027
had a pool on how long
before she dumped your ass.
168
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:36,764
I was so close!
169
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,099
You were betting that
my marriage was going to fail?
170
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:40,300
No.
171
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,235
We were betting on when.
172
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:45,439
So Charlie took
you back, huh?
173
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:48,976
Well, not with open arms
or an open heart
174
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,343
or even an open door.
175
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,380
After he pushed me out, I had
to climb in through the window.
176
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:56,484
But yeah, I'm back.
177
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:58,351
Well, I'm glad.
178
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,787
You're kidding.
179
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:00,588
No.
180
00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:02,322
With you and
the kid around,
181
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:05,158
I won't have to hose down
the washing machine so often.
182
00:07:05,225 --> 00:07:06,860
(doorbell rings)
183
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,428
I'll get that.
184
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:16,504
I guess there's no trusting
this butter now.
185
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:21,742
Or the loose bananas.
186
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,313
Hello, Alan.
187
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,081
Judith.
188
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,517
Hey, Dad.
189
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,118
Hey, buddy.
190
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,792
So is somebody going to explain
to me what the heck is going on?
191
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,129
I thought he should
hear it from you.
192
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:43,631
(sighs):
Okay.
193
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,933
Jake, listen,
194
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,368
I know you liked Kandi
very much,
195
00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:52,172
but she and I have decided that
we really can't stay married.
196
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:53,741
Ah, man!
197
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,576
That doesn't mean that you
can't be friends with her.
198
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:58,646
No. I had December.
199
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,652
Alan, I just want to say
I'm very sorry
200
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,453
things didn't work out
for you and Kandi.
201
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,788
Thanks.
202
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,525
You won the pool,
didn't you?
203
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:13,761
Yeah.
204
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,629
And just FYI,
I spoke to my lawyer,
205
00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,397
and he said that
even if Kandi takes you
206
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:20,067
for everything you've got, you
still have to pay me alimony.
207
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,068
Here's his bill.
208
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:25,606
(scoffs)
209
00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,407
Six hundred dollars?!
210
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:29,977
He explained it very slowly.
211
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:40,320
You didn't call.
212
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:41,655
What?
213
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,757
When Dad moved out,
you said you and me
214
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:45,425
could still get
together and do stuff.
215
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:47,160
But you never called.
216
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,930
Ah, geez, Jake, I'm sorry.
217
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,632
I waited.
218
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,533
I'll make it up to you.
219
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:54,501
When?
220
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:55,669
Later.
221
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,542
I'm still here.
222
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:04,177
What do you
want me to do, Jake?
223
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:05,312
I don't know.
224
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,715
You really let me down,
and it hurt my feelings.
225
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,783
I know. I feel awful.
226
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:12,119
Fifty bucks and
it goes away.
227
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,722
Ten.
Done.
228
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,524
Love you, Uncle Charlie.
229
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,392
Back at you.
230
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,128
* Men. *
231
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,535
How long is he going
to sit out there?
232
00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:29,670
I don't know, Jake.
233
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:30,904
He's pretty depressed.
234
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:32,906
Yeah, well,
that's the price you pay
235
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,275
when you think
with your penis.
236
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,477
Did you hear that
from your mother?
237
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,112
No, your mother.
238
00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:42,082
And how are you feeling
about all this?
239
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:43,250
I'm okay.
240
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,084
You sure?
241
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,352
Uncle Charlie,
242
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,287
this is not my first divorce.
243
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,056
Got it.
244
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,191
Tell you one thing, though--
I am never getting married.
245
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:53,827
That's a sweet dream
to have, Jake.
246
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:55,428
But sooner
or later,
247
00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:57,898
you're going to meet a girl
who's smart, beautiful,
248
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:59,933
and has a real grudge
against your parents.
249
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,702
What are you going
to do then?
250
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,170
Don't worry.
I have a plan.
251
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,204
Really?
252
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,139
Yeah. If a girl falls
in love with me,
253
00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:09,109
I'll tell her I can't marry her
until I have enough money,
254
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:10,543
even though
I'll be secretly rich.
255
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:13,313
How do you plan
to get secretly rich?
256
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:17,217
I'm going to marry a movie star.
257
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,819
You're going
to marry a movie star
258
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:20,220
to avoid getting married?
259
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:24,257
Guess I haven't worked out
all the bugs.
260
00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,660
Well, keep me posted.
261
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,400
Hey.
262
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,836
Hey.
263
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:38,872
Jake sure changed
in the last few months.
264
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,374
Starting to see a
real little man there.
265
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:42,542
Mm-hmm.
266
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:45,345
Not a real bright little man.
267
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,315
What you doing?
268
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,549
Making plans.
269
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:52,019
Do they involve
marrying a movie star?
270
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,153
What?
271
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,055
Nothing, nothing.
What's your plan?
272
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,958
Well, I figured
I'd have a nice big lunch,
273
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:00,994
get real drunk,
stroll down to the beach,
274
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,997
and try to swim to Japan.
275
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,365
Huh.
276
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:06,599
Why the lunch?
277
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,268
I want to cramp up and drown
278
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,370
before the sharks rip me
to shreds.
279
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:13,440
Well, keep me posted.
280
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,909
I'm a failure, Charlie.
281
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:19,312
Everything I've tried to do
in my life has ended
282
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:22,482
in complete abject failure.
283
00:11:22,549 --> 00:11:25,418
Oh, buddy, you're looking
at this the wrong way.
284
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,486
See?
285
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,789
I've failed again.
286
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,991
Will you shut up
and listen to me?
287
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,260
Failure is nothing
to be ashamed of.
288
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:36,163
It's a part of life,
it's how we learn.
289
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,130
Well, you know what?
290
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,000
I've failed
for almost 40 years.
291
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,302
And what have I learned?
292
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:48,241
Oh, that wasn't a
rhetorical question?
293
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,376
Come on, Alan.
294
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:52,145
You got to have a sense
of humor about this.
295
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,081
A broke-ass,
middle-aged guy
296
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,083
marries a 22-year-old
knucklehead
297
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:59,152
just before he wins a
half a million dollars.
298
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,588
And then she takes him
for everything he's got.
299
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:02,890
(chuckles)
300
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,491
That's hilarious.
301
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,060
Okay, okay.
302
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,196
Okay, maybe you're
too close to it now,
303
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:10,697
but trust me,
it's funny.
304
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:14,067
(inhales deeply)
305
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,303
Hmm.
306
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:21,308
Where are you going?
307
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:24,344
The ocean's that way.
308
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:30,317
* Men. *
309
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:31,919
(knock at door)
310
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,254
Hey, the kid and I are
going to the movies.
311
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,123
You want to come?
No, thanks.
312
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,458
Can I get you
something to eat?
No.
313
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:39,292
Something to drink?
314
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:40,393
No.
315
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,030
How about a bottle
of Scotch and a hooker?
316
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:45,432
I just want to be alone.
317
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:48,001
Well, you don't need my help
for that.
318
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:49,702
That's your home run swing.
319
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,738
Just close the door
on the way out.
320
00:12:51,805 --> 00:12:53,206
Fine, I'll close it.
321
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:55,642
Then I'll nail it shut
and plaster it over
322
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:58,578
and hang a picture of something
a little more cheerful,
323
00:12:58,645 --> 00:12:59,947
like a plane crash.
324
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,317
Okay.
325
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:07,487
I am through feeling sorry
for myself.
326
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,492
Maybe not.
327
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,262
(knock at door)
328
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:18,298
Alan?
329
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:20,433
Oh, terrific.
330
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,769
Charlie told me
about you and Candy.
331
00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:23,971
I'm so sorry.
332
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:25,305
Yeah, well, thanks.
333
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:28,075
Did he also tell you
I want to be alone?
334
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:31,311
Yes, he did, so...
335
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:33,346
want some company?
336
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:35,715
No.
337
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:37,017
How about a hug?
338
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:40,120
Is it a good-bye hug?
339
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:45,258
Alan, I know what it's
like to lose at love.
340
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,693
Rose?
341
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,361
Yes, baby?
342
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:51,231
You're a stalker.
343
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:54,567
I prefer to be called
boundary-challenged.
344
00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,405
Just go away.
345
00:13:58,471 --> 00:13:59,372
Go away?!
346
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:00,507
(laughs)
347
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,109
Alan, I'm a stalker.
348
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,412
Trust me.
349
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:06,779
This pain will pass.
350
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,315
The aching emptiness
351
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,683
that's swallowing up your heart
will be transformed
352
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:11,919
into something beautiful.
353
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:14,187
What's that?
354
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,792
Resentment.
355
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:23,163
A burning,
white hot resentment
356
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:26,633
that empowers you to commit
unspeakable acts of revenge.
357
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:31,038
You're going
to want a scrapbook.
358
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:35,909
* Men. *
359
00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:38,745
Dad?
360
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,413
Yeah.
361
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,216
Uncle Charlie's going
to take me back to Mom's now.
362
00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:46,219
Well, come in here
and say good-bye.
363
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:49,189
Bye.
364
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:52,292
That's it? Come here
and give your old dad a hug.
365
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,600
That's better.
366
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,236
You still depressed?
367
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,038
Oh, no, no, I'm fine.
368
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:07,140
Just taking a little nap.
369
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,609
You've been napping
for two days.
370
00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:11,144
I'm getting old, Jake.
371
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:14,081
Old people nap a lot.
372
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:17,384
It's kind of a dry run
for death.
373
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:18,651
Okay.
374
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:20,387
Well, see you.
375
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:21,989
See you.
376
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,256
Hey, Dad?
377
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,291
Yeah?
378
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,026
Even though
Mom stopped loving you
379
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,260
and Kandi stopped loving you,
380
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,096
you don't have to worry
about me.
381
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,098
Thanks, pal.
382
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,466
You're my dad.
I pretty much got to love you.
383
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:38,705
So?
384
00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:42,575
Is he still curled up
like a cocktail shrimp?
385
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,177
Yep.
386
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:47,080
This is a real fun weekend.
387
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:50,450
Wait in the car, Jake,
and I'll be right there.
388
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,253
Okay. I am running out
of patience with this guy.
389
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,122
I've had relationships end,
390
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:57,424
and I don't go crawling
into bed over it.
391
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:58,558
(clears throat)
392
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,627
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean.
393
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,629
It may not be just
the relationship.
394
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,164
What are you talking about?
395
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:06,099
Charlie, I've studied
psychology for eight years
396
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,301
and been a
patient for 20.
397
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,005
Your brother is exhibiting
all the classic signs
398
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:13,673
of clinical depression.
399
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,976
What are you saying? You think
he might try to hurt himself?
400
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:20,680
The important question is,
do we stop him?
401
00:16:20,747 --> 00:16:23,616
Oh, like I'm the only one
here thinking that.
402
00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:29,022
All right, I didn't
want to have to do this,
403
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:30,857
but desperate times call
for desperate measures.
404
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:33,926
What are you going to do?
Something I hoped
I'd never have to.
405
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:34,927
You don't mean...?
406
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,796
I'm afraid so.
407
00:16:36,863 --> 00:16:38,531
Hello?
408
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,833
Mom?
409
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:43,636
(knock at door)
410
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,907
Oh, God, what plague
have you set upon me now?
411
00:16:47,974 --> 00:16:51,044
Alan, it's Mommy.
412
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:55,815
Good one.
413
00:16:55,882 --> 00:17:00,087
Oh, my poor
darling.
414
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:02,755
How are you holding up?
415
00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:04,624
How do you think?
416
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,126
I blew another marriage.
417
00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:08,195
I wasted all my money.
418
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,430
I'm a complete
and utter failure.
419
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,099
Oh, sweetie,
you just can't see
420
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:14,101
the big picture,
can you?
421
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,368
What big picture?
422
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,237
Every foolish choice
you've made,
423
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:20,273
every wasted opportunity,
424
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:23,943
every hapless misstep in your
sad, misbegotten life...
425
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:25,478
I know, I know...
426
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,548
It's an opportunity
to learn and grow.
427
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:31,618
Well, perhaps,
but more importantly,
428
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:33,820
it's a reflection on me.
429
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,689
Always good to see you, Mom.
430
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:40,227
I'm not finished.
Of course not.
431
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:43,263
There is a silver lining
in this dark cloud.
432
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,198
I can't wait to
hear about it.
433
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,267
(clears throat)
434
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:50,737
You're all alone,
you're penniless,
435
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:53,072
and you have no prospects.
436
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:56,276
Are we at the silver lining
part yet?
437
00:17:56,343 --> 00:18:00,213
Yes. Short of contracting
a flesh-eating disease,
438
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,483
things couldn't possibly
get any worse.
439
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,419
You've hit rock bottom.
440
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:09,356
You have nowhere to go but up.
441
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:12,292
You know what?
442
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:13,893
You're right.
443
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,963
You're self-obsessed,
insensitive and soul-sucking,
444
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,465
but you're right.
445
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:23,102
I have stared into the abyss,
446
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:25,338
and I'm still here.
447
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:28,074
I-I've had my heart shattered,
448
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,243
and then...
and then shattered again,
449
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,145
and I'm still here.
450
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:35,815
I've taken every piece of crap
that life could throw at me,
451
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,850
and I'm still here.
452
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,486
Well, we don't have to turn this
453
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:41,488
into an evening
with Liza Minnelli.
454
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:46,926
Now, get washed,
get dressed,
455
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,495
get on with your life.
456
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:49,329
Okay.
457
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:52,232
And remember, no matter what,
458
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,367
I'll always love you.
459
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:55,968
I know. Thanks.
460
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:57,870
Oh, don't thank me,
sweetheart.
461
00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,406
I'm your mother.
462
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,509
I have to love you.
463
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:05,378
* Men. *
464
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,785
Hey.
465
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,587
Hey.
466
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,589
Thanks for taking Jake back
to Judith's.
467
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:17,557
No problem.
468
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,659
Sorry I had to send Mom
in there.
469
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,594
No, no, you, uh...
you did the right thing.
470
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:22,995
I needed a good slap
in the face.
471
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,464
Although, with Mom,
472
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:26,733
it's more like a nail
gun to the testicles.
473
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,404
That was my thinking.
474
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:34,274
Well, uh...
I'm really grateful.
475
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,809
Don't mention it.
476
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,979
So, look at us, huh?
477
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:41,981
Just like old times.
478
00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,516
(laughs)
479
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:46,018
Yep.
480
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:48,020
The Harper brothers,
together again.
481
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:49,289
(laughs)
482
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,123
Uh-huh.
483
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,559
The chicks
will come and go,
484
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,928
but you and I will always
be there for each other.
485
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,097
Sure.
486
00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,367
Forever.
487
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:04,103
Well, you know, not...
488
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:05,472
not literally
till the end of time,
489
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,774
but, you know,
till one of us dies.
490
00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:10,677
It'll probably be you,
491
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:13,680
'cause you don't take
very good care of yourself.
492
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:15,882
Gotcha.
493
00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:20,887
Fist me.
494
00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:26,593
You want me to fist you?
495
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:29,929
You know, like the,
the bros in the hood.
496
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,700
We're the bros,
and this is our hood.
497
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:34,734
(laughs)
498
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:41,441
Pow! Right on.
499
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:44,577
Tell you what.
500
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,013
I will grab us
a couple of brewskis
501
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:50,016
so that Team Harper
can kick back and chill.
502
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:50,883
Terrific.
503
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:55,221
Uh,
504
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:56,789
but I'll get you a beer.
505
00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:58,057
Okay.
506
00:20:58,124 --> 00:21:00,593
Oh, uh, maybe I'll make
a nice little plate
507
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,261
of cheese
and crackers.
508
00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:03,696
Hmm, nothing fancy.
509
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,332
Good.
510
00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:08,435
Ooh. Uh, I don't suppose
you have any brie?
511
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:13,340
I don't know.
512
00:21:13,406 --> 00:21:14,707
Not important.
513
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:15,508
You relax.
514
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:17,344
I got you covered. Pow!
515
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:37,330
* Men. *
33614
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