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You're not putting enough paint on the roller, Randy.

I'm doing my best, Julian.

I think it looks pretty good.

Park Resident: FUCK OFF WITH THE FLAMING SHIT BAGS!

Hey. You little bastards.

Nice one dick moss.

I'm not paying for pretty good. It looks like shit.

You haven't paid me anything yet.

Fuck you, you dirty whore of a fucking ass fucking hippo slut. Ugh!

Ricky, why don't you just take it down to Grover and get him to fix it?

I told you, never mention whale cock's name ever again around me.

Me and Lucy break up for a day and she ends up banging somebody,

my fucking mechanic that I've used for my whole life

and apparently he's bigger than me.

Fucking a lot bigger I guess. And he's fucking dead to me.

Bubbles: Holy sweet flying fuck!

Holy fuck! Boys!

We did it! We did it!

Holy fuck. We did it!

Bubs, what did we do? Bubs?

The internet. The internet!

Contest. Rush. We did it.

Calm down.

Rush! Rush!

Calm down. What is it, boy?

What are you trying to say?

The internet contest we entered.

Ricky, Rush's biggest fan.

We fucking won!

The thing that you... Jesus Chris.

That thing you made me and Julian dress up for a few weeks ago?

Yes, Ricky. They picked our video.

Ricky: What?

We're going to see Rush in Ireland!

Deedle-deedle-deedle-dee.

Right on man.

Rush, the greatest rock band of all time put a contest on the internet looking for

their biggest fan and that's me. So I figured the best way you know to-to get their

attention would be to reshoot one of their classic videos from the seventies.

So I built Neil Peart's entire fucking drum kit out of old buckets and garbage can lids

and just shitty old shit I found around the park, put nice glitter paint on it,

made it look fucking awesome. Decent. Took some old guitars and I painted them up

and added all the parts to them I needed.

Went to the clothing store, the used store there and I got some nice old kimonos

from the seventies, Japanese kimonos and I got Randy to film me,

Ricky and Julian lip synching "Closer to the Heart".

Julian: Bubs, am I gonna be in this fucking video or what?

Yes. He's gonna get shots of you too.

Make sure you get some shots and just try to you know

not get too close to the chicken skin so you can't tell what it is.

Right on.

Bubbles: 'Kay are you ready boys?

Yeah.

Okay let's do this.

What are the first words that get sanged?

Julian: Holy fuck.

♪ Philosophers and Ploughmen each must know his heart ♪ Fuck! Bubbles, this is fucked.

Bubbles: What?

The fucking order that he's saying shit it changes every time, man.

I can't fucking do this.

What are-no it doesn't, Ricky.

It's a fucking cassette tape.

I love Bubbles but making that video with him was a pain in the fucking ass

and I had that nose glued to my face for like three fucking days afterwards. Thanks Bubs.

You didn't glue that on, did you Ricky?

That's fucking model glue. You're gonna be high as a kite. Did you get it in the nose?

Ah fuck. Great. Here we go again.

Fucking shit glued to my face.

Bubs, how many times are we gonna do this?

We gotta do multiple takes 'cuz I gotta edit it together for fuck sakes.

Well tell me what the order's gonna be this time.

I don't even-these words don't even make fucking sense.

Bubbles: Just sing the fucking words, Ricky.

Fucking philo-sophers and Jesus Christ.

Julian: Let's just do it again and try not to fuck up, Ricky.

Ricky: Fuck off, Julian.

Julian: You fuck off.

You're playing buckets. This is hard, man.

The problem was I just don't understand the whole lip singing

and I don't know what the fuck Freddy Lee's gonna say next like it just changes every time.

Julian: Yeah I mean he was definitely way too stressed out about the whole thing.

I mean he made me watch this Rush video twenty-five, thirty times

and I kind of got the Neil Peart fucking moves down

but he's the best fucking drummer in the world

and then he took this piece of raw chicken skin and glued it to my face.

I thought I fucking nailed it that time.

Bubbles: That's not bucket work, it's chime work.

Well why don't you get back here and play the fucking drums? It's pretty hard.

Bubbles: I fucking will!

I don't know how to play the fucking drums.

Bubbles: Glue your chicken skin on on the sides.

Ricky: Well at least you just had to drum.

I had to fucking try to lip sang and fucking play the bass guitar like that's good times.

Ricky: Holy fuck buddy. This is crazy. Are you sure you won the whole thing?

Oh I fucking won it, Ricky. Watch this.

Hey Bubbles. It's Alex Lifeson. How ya doing, buddy? How are things in Sunnyvale?

I hear it's been pretty busy down there.

Anyways I just want to let you know that your video came in first place.

You did really, really well despite Ricky's performance, which

Ricky: My's performance?

Well Geddy and Neil according to them was pretty shitty but in all honesty what else

do you expect? But the thing is the way you nailed that solo note for note and the

production and the-the attention to details just blew everybody away.

I'm very excited to tell you that as the winner ah you and three friends will be going to

Dublin. You're gonna see our almost sold out show there in Dublin and you'll be traveling

on a semi-private ah jet and you'll have close to a thousand dollars in spending money.

So it's pretty exciting stuff, I know. Ha, ha ah safe travels,

ah good luck and well see ya in Dublin there. God bless.

Ricky: That is fucked!

Julian: That's fucking awesome, man. Right on.

Who's the fourth person you're gonna take, Bubbles?

Definitely not you. You smell like a gorilla that just shit on your fucking chest.

Ricky, be nice.

Well I thought I mean I shot the video for you guys. I thought you might take me.

All right but if you're coming you gotta take a shower first

and you're working for me. For free.

And if you fuck around or you piss me off, we're fucking fighting.

Deal, guys.

Boys, we're going to fucking Ireland to see Rush.

Yeah

Manananaanamannam

Julian: Randy, what the fuck are you doing?

Here and stop fucking around.

Bubbles: This is the Rush jet, right? Sorry we're late. Hahaha!

Ricky: I hope you guys got a ton of fucking liquor onboard. Oh fuck.

Randy: Hi guys.

Ricky: Holy fancy. Is this how the richy people live?

Bubbles: This is how Rush lives, Ricky.

Ricky: Hey. You fucking be careful with that.

I got my water bottle in there, you asshole.

Randy: Fuck. Sorry Ricky.

Ricky: Julian, you fucking get control of him.

Julian: Stop fucking around, Randy.

Bubbles: Ireland, here we come!

Woo!

Bubbles: Yeah!

This is fucking awesome, boys.

We're on Rush's jet.

Randy: Ricky.

Fuck off Randy, get your own.

Julian: Here, take that man. It tastes like shit.

Randy: Thanks Julian.

Randy's gotta have some liquor too.

This is good dope, Ricky.

What the fuck? You brought dope?

I rolled a couple jet joints, man.

What do you think Freddy and Allen don't fucking smoke dope on here?

Bubbles: My god boys. Well we gotta smoke them before we land.

There can't be any dope.

Ricky: Here man.

All right.

Oh yeah!

I have to smoke it on Rush's jet.

Randy: That's good shit. I'm fucked.

Bubbles: I'm having the best time of my life!

Ricky: Yeah buddy! Yeah!

Bubbles: I'm drinking and smoking dope on Rush's jet!

Ooh hoo hoo, here we go boys!

Boys, I'm pooping at thirty-eight thousand feet.

Can you close the fucking door, man?

I'm pooping in Rush's toilet.

Hurry up, man. Cut your poop off. I gotta piss.

Okay here.

Randy: Pass that to me man.

I'll be out in a second.

You're going way too hard, man.

Randy: Give me one of those.

Couple of ten maybe.

Thanks buddy.

Holy fuck! I lit her up in there, boys. I lit her up.

Holy fuck man! Ah fuck!

You dumbass.

It's all right. It's private. It's a private jet.

It's all right, it's private.

Rush will pay for it, man.

Randy: Yeah Rush'll pay for it.

Pilot: Tango you guys been?

Bubbles: Cheers boys.

Randy: Cheers

This is gonna be fucking awesome.

It already is awesome.

Randy: Thanks for letting me come, guys.

Tell ya what boys, as soon as I'm retired I'm buying one of these fucking jets.

Oh fuck Julian. If you can buy one of these I'll fucking,

I'll give you every cent I have towards it.

I'll fucking, haul shopping carts.

Julian: Rick, Rick, Ricky, sit up.

What happened?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You're passing out, bud. We're on Rush's jet. You can't pass out.

Come on. Stay with us.

I'm good, buddy. I'm good.

Who's got your belly? Who's got your belly at thirty-eight thousand feet?

Bubbles does.

Julian, when you get a plane get some cheeseburgers buddy.

Ricky: Did you guys notice how round-how round the ceiling is?

Yeah Ricky it's a jet. They're-they're round. You couldn't have it square.

You're fucked Ricky.

Oh my fuck!

Randy: This is freaking me out.

What the fuck was that man? We got hit?

No, it's turbulence, boys. It's turbulence. It's just different air pockets and things.

I fucking think that's decent. That's just like Chuck Yeager and all the astronauts

experience that stuff.

I thought we got hit with a fucking missile or something.

No, Ricky. Nobody's shooting missiles at us.

It's just turbulence. Shooting missiles at us, you're baked Ricky.

There she is I can see the coast of Ireland boys.

Ricky: Holy fuck boys. Those mushrooms, wow.

I can see Ireland. Look Ricky. That's Ireland. Look.

It does kind of look like an iron.

Julian: An iron, it's not shaped like an iron. It's Ireland.

Come on boys! We made it. We made it!

Thank you very much, sir. Woo Ireland!

Holy fuck.

Yeah.

Come on boys. Ricky, straighten yourself out.

Ricky, what are you-you can't have a piss out here. Inside.

Bubbles: There's toilets in here.

Julian: Fucking nightmare.

Ah Jesus, you're gonna have to put a shirt on.

I'm sorry I don't wear shirts. I'm allergic to fabric. I got a doctor's note.

Passports.

Here you go, sir.

Here you go, sir.

Ricky! Ricky!

Sorry

My god. I'm sorry about that. He's very clumsy.

I recognize you lads. You're uh off that TV show from Canada.

Julian: Yeah. How's it going, man?

Look at you even pretending to drink that mixed drink.

Yeah.

What the fuck yous doing in Ireland?

We won a contest for Rush's biggest fan. You know Rush, the rock band?

They flew us over on a private jet. We're going to see them at the O2 in Dublin.

Oh very cool. Well lads, have a great time at the concert.

Bubbles: Thank you. Thank very much.

Thanks

Right on man. Fucking loving Ironland so far.

Hey Ricky ah don't have any of that ah weed on ya then, do ya?

Yeah, man. You want some? Boys. Get the green bag over here.

I got a couple kinds of hash and some honey oil and weed. What are you looking for, bud?

You're not serious, are ya?

What? What do you like? What?

Lads, get the fuck back here.

It's a private jet. It's private. Is there a place I can

Can I take a piss?

I want the president of Canada on the phone. This is fucking bullshit!

You screaming orders at me is bullshit. You need to calm the fuck down

and you're gonna have to wait.

We didn't even fucking do anything wrong. We were on a private fucking jet!

How the fuck do you people not know what the word private means over here?

In Canada it means to your fucking self. You can't just have people come to your country

that think the word private mans private and then you just fucking un-private it.

That is fucked my man.

Customs Officer: Calm the fuck down.

There's nothing I can do until I hear from the judge anyway.

We were in, we were in frontrow seats to rock. It'll never happen again. It's gone.

Get your fucking hands off me.

Look I'm sorry but I thought the word private would mean the same in Ire-lish as it

does in English. It doesn't, it's not my fucking fault.

It does.

Look I'll take care of it. All right fuck brains. I want to speak to a lawyer 'cuz my

rights have been violated through the constitute of Canada under the privacy to

keep things fucking privacy act of 14-13-60. I want a fucking phone call and I want it

right the fuck now!

Randy: You're so friggin' stupid!

I dare you to fucking call me stupid one more time. Go ahead!

Stupid!

You fucking asshole!

Customs Officer: Jesus fuckin' christ I can't take this shit.

Bubbles: Lift him, Randy. Lift him.

Hello Judge Orr, yeah. Is there any way you can see these Canadian guys any sooner?

It's fucking driving me crazy.

Randy: Frig off!

Bailiff: Please rise.

Judge: Please be seated.

Holy fuck. Stand up, sit down. Just make up your fucking minds.

Ricky!

Pardon me, son. What was that?

Ricky: Nothing. I was uh talking to this guy here picking his nose.

Actually do you have a light on ya bud? No? Of course you don't.

You're really not very smart son, are you?

No, your honour, he's not. Please forgive him. I've known him my whole life.

It's true, your honour. He's really stupid.

Randy, you shut the fuck up you oily, hairy bitch!

Ricky!

You are stupid.

I fucking dare you to say another word to me.

Stupid!

Don't fuck around, Randy.

Ricky!

Watch your fucking language in my court.

He started it.

Let's see here. Possession and importation of marijuana,

hashish and hashish oil into this beautiful country of Ireland.

Guys, did you honestly fucking believe you were going to stroll through Ireland

with all these drugs on ya?

Yeah, kind of. I mean we were on a private fucking jet,

and I thought that meant what it's supposed to.

Everything we have with us is supposed to be private.

Not over here in Iron-land for some fucking reason.

Think of how stupid you are, Ricky!

I swear to fuck!

Ricky.

Oh yeah? Bring it on. Bring it on.

Ricky!

Bubble: Boys!

Judge: Order, order jesus fuckin' christ order!

Julian: Sit down.

Bubbles: Ricky.

Hey! Sit down you fucking idiots. Sit down.

Have some respect for my court you gobshites.

Oh my god. I'm sorry, your honour. Sorry. Just so we're clear here,

I didn't even know Ricky had drugs with him.

Where'd you think the drugs came from we were smoking on the plane?

Ricky! Look, I won a contest to go see Rush play at the 02

and that's what we were supposed to be doing, not this craziness.

I was there. What a great fucking concert.

Oh no shit. Look, this was supposed to be the greatest trip of our lives and it got all

mixed up with the drugs and this wasn't supposed to happen like this.

I'm very sorry about all this, your honour.

Look fellas, you seem like an all right bunch but you tried to bring drugs into Ireland,

presumably to sell and I can't have that. Do you understand?

It wasn't to sell.

I mean, there are plenty of drugs right here in Ireland. You could have bought 'em here

and you'd have helped our economy.

Well if I had fucking known, I would have. I would have loved to buy some drugs locally.

All I brought with me is personal anyway but I didn't know if you guys had

good drugs over here or if it was easy to get hash or I mean no one has oil these days.

I-I understand that but you did what you did. It's mandatory jail term.

Oh my god, your honour. Please. Please do not put us in jail. We'll do anything.

Please sir.

I'll tell ya what. I know who you guys are and you're popular here in this country.

Ricky: Fuck off. Are you serious?

If you guys would put on a benefit concert in the local theater telling people how bad

drugs and liquor are and I'll consider that as community service and we'll waive all

the charges against you.

We'll do it! We'll do it.

What? With the fuck are you talking-are you being serious right now?

Bubs, we don't know how to do a live show.

Just

It's either that or Portlaoise.

Fuck!

Puppets?

No, no, your honour. We can do a live show. We can do that. I mean I get nervous in

front of crowds but I know how we could do it. We could do a puppet show.

I could build some puppets. We could say drugs and liquor are bad.

I could get up and sing some songs maybe. We can do this.

Judge: Look, I'm fine with a puppet show

but I don't want you out there singing that song about whores and liquor.

Okay no problem. I don't have to do that but boys, we can do this.

Consider it done, your honour. Boys, we're doing a puppet show.

For fuck sakes.

Julian: These puppets are fucked!

Bubbles: I think they look pretty fucking awesome.

Ricky: Well I don't know how to make fucking puppets talk and what the fuck is this

antennae thing you taped to my face?

Bubbles: It's a microphone Ricky and it's probably on so just,

I guess this is the curtain here. Okay. Are you guys ready?

We gotta fucking do this. Take this serious.

Ricky: Just a sec.

Bubbles: Ricky!

Ricky: Oh fuck.

What the fuck are you doing? Are you taking a piss?

Ricky: Yes. Randy was hogging the fucking bathroom. I gotta piss.

Bubbles: He's pissing right fucking now.

We're about to do a goddamn puppet show for the judge.

Squeeze it out, Rick.

Bubbles: Ricky! Oh god.

You guys want to use that?

Julian: No!

No! Get it the fuck - put it over.

Crowd: Ugh

Ricky!

Julian: Are you fucking kidding me?

I got piss droplets on my glasses.

Ricky: It's a little bit of piss. Sorry. Holy fuck boys.

Fuck! Boys, remember drugs and liquor are bad.

Drugs and liquor are fucking awesome but anyway.

Here we go. I'll start.

Hey. How's everybody doing tonight?

That's it. My name's Bobby Turkalino and I'm here

tonight to talk to you about the dangers of using drugs and alcohol.

Is there anybody here currently under the influence of drugs or liquor?

Crowd: Yeah!

Bubbles: What? Holy fuck boys! Everybody here is drunk and on drugs.

No shit 'cuz people love dope and liquor. I love fucking dope and liquor.

This is fucking stupid.

Well the judge said we're doing it and we're doing it.

Now get your fucking guy up there.

Ricky: For fuck sakes!

Don't fuck this up.

Yeah. So I'm here tonight with a couple of friends,

Ralphie Johnson and Dougie Muscle Neck. Say hi fellas.

Julian: Hey.

Ricky: Hey. Which fucking guy am I again?

You're Ralphie Johnson, Ricky. And you gotta fucking move his mouth with yours.

Like this!

Ricky: Ah

Whenever you talk you gotta do this with your hand.

Ricky: My name is Ralphie Johnson. There we go.

Ricky, you gotta synch it up. It looks like a fucking python trying to swallow an egg.

Anyway, we're here tonight to talk about how bad your lives

can get fucked up when you get into drugs and alcohol. Isn't that right, Ralphie?

How about the fact that last night I was supposed to be at the fucking Rush concert

here in Ireland but Ralphie here thought it would be a fucking really cute idea

to try to smuggle drugs into the country and we got caught at the fucking

border and busted and we missed the fucking Rush concert!

I told you I'm sorry. It was a fucking accident and why in the fuck

does the word private not private over here?

If you're on a fucking private jet they're not supposed

to be able to check all your bags and find all your fucking drugs

and now is my fucking mouth moving good now?

It's a fuck up, all right?

Put your fucking guy up.

Oh and what about you, Dougie?

You thought it'd be a good idea to fucking guzzle booze all across the Atlantic?

That was really fucking helpful when we got to immigration. Thanks for all the help.

Julian: Listen, I had a few drinks.

I can't control how much fucking drugs and alcohol Ralphie does over there.

Fuck you, Julian. You mixed the drinks and I was rolling the joints.

Fuck you, Ricky.

Fuck me? Okay.

Let's just agree, shall we, it's safe to say that drugs and liquor

ruined what could have been probably the greatest trip of my fucking life,

of your life, the greatest night of all of our lives

and it got fucking ruined because of drugs and liquor!

Bubbles, calm down, man. You need to have a drink or a fucking toke. That'll help ya.

Oh is that how it works?

I just fucking drugs and liquor solve everything.

Ricky: Pretty much.

So just fucking take a drink and all your problems go away?

Here, give me a fucking drink of that booze. Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. Gulp.

Julian: Bubs

Oh yeah fuck now I'm drunk now

and now all my problems are solved except I want to fucking fight. You fucking want to go?

Julian: What the fuck? What are you doing?

You want to fucking go?

I'm all fucking jacked up on booze so give me a fucking drag off that joint.

Okay. Now I'm fucking high, baby. Now I'm fucking high.

That's a gateway drug, though. I need something stronger.

Why doesn't someone pack some bath salts in the eye of my cock?

Julian: Bath salts? Bubs, fuck this. I'm not playing with puppets anymore.

I fucking hate puppets. Kermit the Frog can fuck off.

Miss Piggy can suck it and Grover can eat my ass, man. I'm not doing this.

What the fuck did you just say?

What would you bring up Grover right now and make me think about him, you fucking asshole?

Thanks.

I'm talking about Grover from Sesame Street, not the mechanic that's been banging Lucy.

With the ginormous cock.

Don't talk about his big cock and don't be bringing up fucking Grover, you assholes.

Oh laugh about it? Guess what? Fuck this. Fuck you guys. I'll see you back in jail.

Bubbles: Ricky. Ricky.

Julian: No, no, no, no, no. Rick.

Bubbles: Get back here!

Julian: Get-Ricky!

Bubbles: Julian!

Ricky: Holy fuck!

Ricky: Bubbles!

What?

You said fifty people, man. There's like, there's at least a hundred and fifty here.

Julian: There's a lot more than a hundred and fifty, Bubs.

I was fucking told fifty to seventy-five high school students.

Well there's at least a hundred and fifty here. This is fucked.

Thanks for bringing that up in front of everyone. You know what?

You're an asshole. Fuck you. I'm done.

I'd rather go to jail than do this bullshit.

No, no listen if I gotta do this you've gotta do it.

No, I don't. I can go to jail right now and that's fucking better with me.

Oh really?

You can get drunk and high. Sorry Bubs. He fucked things up by bringing up Grover.

Bubbles: Ricky!

Ricky: I'm out of here. Fuck this.

Bubbles: Get the fuck back here!

Ricky: Sorry Bubs.

Julian: I was talking about the Sesame Street Grover.

Julian, get the fuck back here.

Julian: I'm not playing with puppets. Fuck puppets.

Bubbles: Julian.

Julian: Bubs, get out here.

Bubbles: And do what?

Would you get out? I don't care. Get out here. Get out here.

I'm too nervous. Oh my god. I can't do this in front of people.

Julian: Oh really?

Bubbles: I get too nervous.

Julian: Would you get out here?

Right out front Bubs. Fifty, sixty students?

Jesus Murphy! Yeah that's a fucking

there's about two thousand fucking people there.

Yeah no shit. And we're playing with puppets.

Oh my god.

Bubs, what are you? Stop grabbing at yourself!

Ah Julian I get fucking nervous. When I get nervous my bird starts doing that.

Just stop.

I can't. It's not in the right position.

It's trying to do that and it's gonna get a kink into it.

A kink into it.

I gotta get it-I gotta get it arranged.

Bubs, are you done?

Yeah. Are you done trying to grab it?

I wasn't trying to grab it. I'm trying to help you out here.

Anyway, listen. I'm gonna go chill Ricky the fuck out. You entertain these people, okay?

What?

I'm not doing this without Rick, man I'm telling ya.

Don't leave.

Just entertain them.

How?

Tell them some jokes or something.

Jokes, I don't know any fucking jokes.

Well make something up.

I was planning on doing two hours of puppets. Ah hey.

Man: Liquor and whores!

What's going on there, Dublin, Ireland? How are you guys doing?

I wasn't expecting to do this. I'm pretty fucking nervous. Look at me trembling like

some kind of a, like a trembly thing. Just trembling. I don't really know any jokes.

I used to know a couple when I was a little guy if I can think of 'em.

Um how uh oh I know one. How-how do you catch a unique kitty?

U-nique up on him.

No? No eh? Oh fuck boys, get out here would ya?

Actually there's part two to that joke. How do you catch a tame kitty?

Male Audience Member: Tame way.

Yeah, tame way. U-nque up on 'em. Ah fuck. Thanks for yelling it out there though, dick weed.

Fuck. I appreciate that seeing how I only got two fucking jokes in my repertoire

and you fucking ruined one of them. Stupid bastard.

All right there smart nuts. I'll give you a fucking joke you can't know the answer to.

How do you catch a tame, unique kitty if you got your

fucking fingers all cramped up in a fucking gardening accident?

What's that? I don't hear you shooting your fucking lips off now.

Arsehole. Just 'cuz I don't know the fucking answer doesn't mean it's not a real joke.

Boys, would you get the fuck out here please? Those piss jugs. Holy fuck. Can I-

there's a guitar. Can I borrow this?

Whoever owns this. I don't know who owns this but I'm borrowing the fucking thing.

Hahaha. This is about uh Gary the fucking mall manager back home.

'Cuz I haul shopping carts out of ponds and lakes and down over banks for a living

and I shine 'em up and redo the bearings, sell them back to grocery stores and

Gary's always fucking there causing trouble so this is a song about him. Hahaha!

This is a song called, "The Fucking Carts Are Mine".

♪ I fix the handles, I fix the seats. ♪

♪ I fix the wheels so they will roll straight down the street.♪

♪ I weld supports and fix the frames. I even take the time to fix the ones hit by trains. ♪

♪ If I put in all that time those fucking carts are mine. If I put in all that time, ♪

♪ If I put in all that time those fucking carts are mine. If I put in all that time, ♪

♪ those fucking carts are mine. Do a little like a Johnny Cash solo here that I wrote. ♪

Holy fuck. How does it go? Holy fuck! I train wrecked. I fucking train wrecked.

Oh my god boys, would you get the flying fuck out here please? I can't take this.

I just train wrecked and I'm in a fucking meltdown. Hahaha! Boys!

Julian: All right Bubs. I had a good little talk with Ricky.

He's not gonna be a dick for the rest of the night.

He's gonna apologize to you. Rick?

Well I'm sorry that he was a fucking asshole and kind of pissed me off.

I'm also pissed off 'cuz I can't get drunk and high

even though I may or may not have snuck a few things but..

Well you know what, Ricky? It's fine. Let's just forget about it, all right?

I just, I remembered I left the fucking iron on back there. I was ironing my shirt.

What the fuck is going on down there?

Bubbles: Nothing, Ricky. Just um just leave it alone.

What is that?

Nothing. Leave it alone.

Did somebody squirt a squirt gun at you or-?

Ricky, fuck off!

Oh my god. That's not what I think it is.

Bubbles: Ricky!

It is what I think it is. You pissed yourself!

I did not piss myself.

Bubbles, I know what piss tastes like. You pissed yourself. That's fucked.

Ricky, I had a-fucking I had a juice pack in my pocket. My bird was doing that.

It must have fucking jabbed into the thing and burst it. That's all.

So they make juice packs now in piss flavour?

All right Ricky, that's enough.

Right. How could you piss yourself in front of all these people?

I didn't.

Ricky, would you just smarten the fuck up?

What?

What do you mean what? Just end it.

Well there's a piss jug right there. Why didn't you use that?

Bubbles: I didn't piss myself Ricky, you fucking asshole.

Holy fuck Bubs. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you an embarrassing.

I'll piss myself right now if it makes you feel better.

Ricky you're not gonna piss yourself. Fuck off.

Just a second. I can't

Is that how you piss, Ricky? Like an old fucking gorilla out in the woods?

I'm trying to force it out. I already pissed in the piss jug like you should have did.

I should fucking honky-tonk band you. Arsehole. You know what Ricky?

I could have got away with it. I could have just walked away until you start dabbing me

like I'm a fucking old gas tank with sugar in it. You, you see that Ricky?

Ricky: Yeah I see it.

You see that? You can drive that right in your arse.

Bubs. Bubs, it's not a big deal.

No, no. I am taking my fucking microphone taking my fucking guitar and I'm going home.

How many people out there have pissed themselves before? >Bubbles: Assholes!

Yeah!

Ricky: Exactly. It's not a big deal.

Nice going, Rick.

Ricky: What?

What do you mean, what?

What the fuck did I do?

You just fucking embarrassed Bubbles in front of all these people, you idiot.

He embarrassed hisself. He pissed hisself.

Ricky, you're a goddamn fucking nightmare.

Why? >Why? >Yeah.

Okay. Where are we right now?

I know where we are.

Where?

I read the sign. It's a fucking cool place.

Julian: What's the name of it?

Doobie-lin. >Doobie-lin.

Which is cool 'cuz it's got like a doobie in the name.

You know what? I got work to do right now, okay? So just try not to be a fucking dick.

No, no. Bubbles is gone. Let's, we're done. Let's fucking leave. Fuck this.

No, no, no, no, no. We're not leaving. Rick...

I'd rather go to jail than do this shit. This is fucking stupid.

Well we're not going to jail. These people paid money to come see this tonight

>Why? >for some unknown fucking reason.

Julian: I don't know.

Ricky: Why would anybody pay money to see this stupid shit?

Listen. I've got some work to do. Randy, get the fuck out here.

Oh my fuck!

Julian: What?

Do not fucking bring him out here!

He's here for a reason.

He fucking stinks.

Randy: Julian, this thing's making me real itchy. I don't like this...

Holy shit! Hi everybody. Wow.

What in the fuck are you doing?

This thing's fucked, Julian. Look. It's-it's hitting me right in my nipples.

What is this?

He's selling cheeseburgers for me.

You can't fucking sell cheeseburgers, Julian.

No, I'm not doing it. He's doing it.

We'll get in trouble with the parole dicks.

I found a loophole. He sells them, it's his business.

I take care of the money. >You're fucking greasy.

I'm not fucking greasy. Okay my fine Irish friends.

This is a Julian burger, the best fucking cheeseburger you'll ever eat,

especially if you're drunk and high.

I'm calling bullshit.

They're five bucks, whatever it is here, euros or whatever. Five something.

What's a euro, Julian?

It's the-the money.

It's probably, it's probably a piece of bread and it's probably gonna taste like shit.

No. I tried one, Ricky. They're really good. And I know cheeseburgers everybody.

So you just want me to sell them to all these great people, do you?

Yeah just go around. Who wants a cheeseburger?

All right. Here's a Julian burger.

Five quid or whatever the fuck you call it here.

Julian: Just sell them, Randy.

This is awesome, man. Wow. I'm having a really fucking good time.

Fucking Ricky. It's not Bubbles fault that he got an anxiety boner and pierced a juice pack

in his pocket and burst it. Goddamn asshole!

Only a fucking asshole embarrasses people in front of a big crowd like that

and assholes deserve to get beat. It's payback time, baby.

>It's probably cheeseburger... >What is that?

Bubbles: Let's go Ricky.

Ricky: Bubbles, you fuck off.

Let's go you dirty bitch.

Ricky: Bubbles, fuck off.

Ricky, put 'em up. Put up your fucking dukes!

I don't want to fight you. I'll fucking fight Randy. I don't want to fight you tonight.

Julian: Just knock him out Bubs. >Come on, Ricky.

Come on. Take me on.

Just listen to me right now, okay? Fuck off.

You fucking want one? You fucking want more? >Ricky: Bubbles,

I will coat you-you know what?

I'll coat you in piss right now if you don't fuck off.

Julian: Put down the piss jug.

You want some of that?

Oh a piss fight eh? You want to have a fucking piss fight in Dublin, do ya?

I'll piss fight ya. I'll fucking piss fight ya. Let's go.

Don't you fucking kick my own piss all over me. I'm serious. Don't.

Julian: All right Bubs. What do you want to do here?

I want to get back behind the fucking curtain and finish the puppet show.

That's what I want to do.

Julian: We're not-we're not playing with puppets.

Ricky, you better come up with something to do because I already did all...

I fucking played the guitar, I got my Green Bastard suit on.

Maybe we're thinking about this all wrong.

Why the fuck do we have to stand up here and entertain these assholes?

Well I mean, I didn't mean that I guess.

Audience: Reveen!

Ricky: Fuck off!

Ricky: See? That's what I'm talking about. Let's hippotize some people,

bring them up here and they can entertain these guys and entertain us and

Do what to them?

Hippotize them.

Julian: Hypnotize.

Ricky: You guys don't know what hippotize means, do ya? You fucking dummies.

No actually Ricky, I don't know what hippotize means.

Oh is it too big of a word, Bubs?

I know what hypnotize means. I don't know what fucking hippotize means.

Po-tay-toe. Po-tah-toe, okay? It's the same fucking thing.

Bubbles: Po-tah-toe. What the fuck is a po-tah-toe?

I don't know. It's what my dad always said. Po-tay-toe. Po-tah-toe.

Some people pronounce it different I guess.

Well it's not hippotize. Hypnotize.

You know what? It was just a fucking idea, okay? I know how to do it.

Julian: Oh you know how to do it.

Well people like these dicks who have been calling me Reveen my whole life.

Audience: Reveen!

Great. Anyway, as you can see it drove me fucking nuts

so I snuck into a few of his shows and got baked and learned how to do it.

Oh so you know how to do that.

It's easy. Yeah.

So Reveen, the man who fucking practiced this for probably fifty or sixty years

to perfect it, you can just stroll into one of his shows baked and be like oh fuck,

I can do that.

Ricky: Well no, it was more than that.

That's just talking.

I read a bunch of fucking books in jail.

Oh you read a bunch of books. Bullshit. You're fucking lying.

Not every word but I took a bunch of shit out of those books and put it up into this

fucking thing, yes.

Well fucking explain it to me. I'd love to know how the fuck it works.

Okay. For all you dummies on stage and all you dummies out there,

you know what this is. It's a head, right?

Yes. I do know that's a head.

Well in the head under all the bones is a brain.

The brain is made up of brain compartments over here and brain departments on this side

and if you swip-swap a couple of those, people get fucked up. They do this crazy shit.

They don't remember anything afterwards. It's awesome. Hippotized.

So you read that in a fucking science book. You take the brain compartments and the

brain departments and you swip-swap the fucking things back and forth.

They said some other different shit but that's what I took out of the bookkles

and I made it my own and spoke it out to you through here. Yes.

Oh my god.

Like I said, it was just a fucking idea. I've hippotized guys in jail.

I hippotize Lucy, get her to do dirty things. It's fucking fun.

Julian: Oh that's real tough.

I don't think that was hypnotizing, Ricky. I think that's just 'cuz she's filthy.

You fucking watch yourself, Bubbles.

Randy: She is filthy.

Randy, do not fuck with me tonight.

Bubbles: Maybe you should let him do this.

Julian: So you want to do this, Rick?

I'd love to do it but there is some fucking, there is a few situations we should talk about.

Julian: Okay.

If you're too high you probably shouldn't come up here.

I hippotized Terry in jail and he was pretty baked one night and it did not go well.

Wait. Are you talking about the night you were yammering in his ear in jail

and he just zoned out and shit himself?

Yeah that's what I'm talkin' he was baked and I didn't tell him to shit himself

and he did anyway. Not good.

That doesn't make sense.

If you're too drunk you can still come up I think. It's not a big deal.

I never had a problem with people too drunk.

Now there's one thing I have no fucking clue about.

If you're a woman and you got one of those fucking things in you stomach, what's it called?

Julian: A fucking thing? A-a baby?

Not a baby, you fucking idiot. Before it's bornt.

Audience: Mistake!

Julian: A fetus.

Yes. If you're a woman and you have a fenus, I don't know if I'd chance it

'cuz I might hippotize the fenus, it might come out all fucky, I have no idea.

I'm not a fucking professional by ready means, just so you all know that.

Oh there's the fucking headline in the Dublin paper tomorrow. Ricky hypnotizes lady's fenus.

Fenus is probably gonna come out all fucky.

You know what? It might be fine. I have no idea. I'm leaving so I don't give a fuck.

Come on up with your fenuses whatever.

Okay so I think we should do this.

Julian: Definitely.

Okay. This is the part I can't do. I can hippotize them. I can't de-hippotize them.

So you gotta go on the worldy pipe, you know the thing that fucking brings things down to

your click-clak. What's...?

The internet.

Whatever you call it. Sure.

Get on the fucking worldy pipe and I need a video it's fucking

like brain reconfuckulation or brain de-fuck

Oh yeah no I'll get right on. I'll find it on there, Ricky.

I'm sure you just type in brain reconfuckulation, it'll pop right up.

I think it should but if they watch that everyone here will be fine tomorrow.

If not, they could be fucked for the rest of their lives. So we should-should maybe do that.

Bubbles: Okay. All right. I'm sure-I'm sure it's fine.

Well let's find me something to fucking wear and let's do this.

Get some people up here, Julian.

How many people do you want? What? Like ten, twelve?

Ricky: No, no two or three.

Julian: Two or three?

Guys, I'd like to be hippotized.

Oh I would fucking love to hippotize you.

Ricky, I'd want to go to the land of cheeseburgers.

I just want you to fucking listen to us when we talk to you.

And onion rings.

Ricky: Fuck off!

Onion ring trees.

Lets' do this boys.

...reach up pick an onion ring right off.

Bubbles: Go to the land of fuck off, Randy. How about that?

All right two or three people? Is that-that's it?

Get like get-get a bunch of ladies. Get some ladies.

All right.

Get some ladies.

Okay. All right Randy, go get some fucking chairs.

Randy: Chairs?

All right can we bring the lights up for a second?

Is there any ladies out there that want to get hippotized by Ricky? All right.

Get the fuck up. Put your hands up. You right there? Get the fuck up here.

Come on up Blondie. I mean I don't know how the fuck you're going to get down here.

Don't jump. Oh right on. Okay. Thanks. I'm trying to do something here.

All right. Any more ladies? Put your hands up. Come on. This is gonna be-

he can't fucking hypnotize ya. He doesn't know how. All right we need a few more like

well okay this isn't bad. Holy fuck. All right Rick, we're all set. Let's see you hippotize.

Randy: I can't wait.

Ricky: Check this shit out.

Julian: That looks pretty good man.

Ricky: And I feel fucking awesome. I feel kind of important. How's it going?

Four ladies.

And Randy.

Fuck off Randy. All right. Have you guys ever been hippotized before?

Randy: No.

Ricky: Perfect.

Hi there. How you doing?

Bubbles is a little frisky.

Kiggly wiggly.

Julian: Bubs take the microphone.

Hahaha tickly wickly. What's your name?

Trish.

Trish? how you doing, Trish? What's your name?

Lindsay.

Lindsay. What's your name?

Suzie.

What is it? >Suzie

Heard you the first time. Hahaha! Tricked ya.

All right. Did you find some trippy music and some trippy lights?

Yes. I got the music and the lights.

Wicked.

We got some freaky deaky lights to put on.

Bring these ones maybe and yeah, look at that Ricky.

Ricky: Oh yeah, that's...

Bubbles: Now that looks spooky.

Ricky: That's tripping me out. Hahahah! Oh yeah. Look at that shit. Nice.

Bubbles: Spooky-dooky.

Ricky: A little bit of smoke. All right. Well what I need you guys to do if you've never been

hippotized before you gotta take your hands like this and put your fingers against the back of

your hands. Anybody else wants to play along, go ahead. I don't really give a fuck

I'm leaving and your thumbs down flat. Wow.

There's no fucking Cory and Trevors up here tonight.

Randy: Like this Ricky?

You're fucked. You better not fuck this up, Randy I'm serious.

Okay so with your fingers against the back of your hands and your thumbs down flat,

I want everyone to start to relax and listen to my voice and even though my voice sounds a

little bit drunk and high - that's 'cuz it is Bubs.

Um and everyone else in here is probably drunk and high and it's gonna hopefully...

Julian, fuck off. Do not fuck this up.

Julian: I'm getting some cutaways. I'm documentin' it.

Well don't fuck this up, I'm serious. Or else you'll be doing your own fucking thing.

All right so with your fingers against the back of your hands and your thumbs down flat,

I want everyone to close their eyes now. Especially you Randy, you fuck head.

I am.

And my voice is gonna start to sound really fucking soothing

and it's gonna start to take over.

I want everyone to start breathing in through their mouth

and out breathing through their nose and relaxing with your eyes closed,

and now I want you to imagine we're in a big fucking tall building

somewhere around Doobie-lin

and we need to get the fuck off this tall building we're a little freaked out

so we jump on this elevator on the roof and magically there's every kind of weed and hash

from around the world, every kind of liquor drink, blender drinks,

whatever the fuck you can think of is there.

Randy: Cheeseburgers?

Yes. Cheeseburgers. Pepperoni. Chicken fingers. Ice cream. Gummy worms.

Randy: Onion rings?

Ricky: Onion rings. Randy, fuck off! It's all there and we're eating and we're getting drunk

and we're smoking and having the fucking time of our lives,

relaxing but now we need to get down 'cuz we're starting to get a little freaked out.

It's too fucking high up here. So the elevator starts to go down, down, down, down

from the 80th floor to the 70th floor. We smoke some more, drink some more, eat some more.

This-fuck, what floor are we on, Bubs?

Julian: 60th

I think we're on fifty Ricky. it's very relaxing.

You gotta stop paying attention. We need to get drunk and high later.

You're not supposed to be paying attention.

No. I'm fine. It's very nice. I was eating some gummy worms.

Fuck! So we keep smoking and drinking and eating. We go down to the 50th floor,

the 40th floor, the 30th floor, the 20th floor, the 10thieth floor and finally

reach the bottom of this big fucking tall building and we get off and we go outside, drunk,

high, relaxed, stuffed and now you can actually open your eyes if you're capable hopefully.

If you haven't fallen a fucking sleep up here and keep your fingers tied against the back of

your hands. Now I want you to - to put your hands over your head like this

'cuz up there you see those trippy lights and that big fucking trippy rainbow?

You want to press our hands towards that and try to touch that.

You've got to keep your fingers tight against the back of your hands and Julian, fuck off!

And we keep trying to press our fucking hands towards this magical rainbow and the more we

press the more our fingers are starting to stick together and feel a little bit fucking glued.

You're trying to figure out how this idiot that you thought couldn't do this has stuck your

fucking hands together. But don't worry about it 'cuz I'm gonna count down from five to

zero, at zero I'll gonna stomp my foot on the stage when you're super relaxed.

I'm gonna stomp my foot and your fingers hopefully will fucking come together.

Julian, I'm gonna fucking kill you for this.

Julian: Just keep going, Rick.

Ricky: So five we're fucking relaxed. Your fingers are stuck.

Four, you're getting relaxed and your fingers are starting to unglue a bit.

Three, you're more relaxed than four. Two, you're fucking super duperly relaxed. One.

Bubbles: What the fuck is going on?

Ricky: Bubbles, it's coming.

Bubbles: My fingers are stuck together.

Ricky: One, you're the most relaxed you've ever felt and zero I'm gonna stomp my fucking

foot right now, I'm gonna stomp my foot and your fingers better come apart or we're fucked.

Zero. Hopefully they come apart and your fingers should come apart now sort of maybe.

Yes. Yeah we got them.

How the fuck did you do that, Ricky?

It's simple science. I told ya. I fucking swip-swap brain compartments

with departments and now things are really gonna get fucking crazy.

Julian: Ricky, nothing happened.

Julian, something happened 'cuz I could not pull those apart.

Come on Bubs nothing fucking happened.

He put me in a fucking trance!

This is what Reveen does. He brings people up and fucking hippotizes them

and yes I did hippotize them, I also hypnotized the entire fucking building.

Bubbles: What?

Yes. Randy, everybody in here is fucking hippotized right now.

Julian: Oh come on Ricky.

Ricky: They are.

Julian: Nothing happened.

Okay we'll see. They'll do and say whatever you want, Bubs. Try some shit if you want.

Look at their eyes, Julian. They're all fucked up.

Julian: Bubs, they're drunk and high man.

They'll be fine tomorrow. Just remember to play that fucking video.

We have to or they're gonna be fucked for the rest of their lives.

These people are?

Yes. We can actually send them back 'cuz everyone's hippotized.

Randy: I'm still hungry.

Thank you. Nice to meet ya. Nice to meet ya.

And although you won't remember the rest of the show, we will. It's gonna be fucking fun.

Julian: Thanks for coming up, ladies. Sorry for wasting your time.

Bubs, this is gonna be awesome. We can get drunk and high as fuck now.

They're not gonna remember shit.

Bubbles: All right. I'll run some fucking tests. I'll run some tests.

Where's the centre of the stage?

Julian:Right here. >Ricky: No it's right over here. The center of the stage?

Julian: The centre of the stage is right here.

The center of the stage, Ricky.

Why do you always think the definition of centre means to the left?

Well we used Julian's centre I guess tonight.

The centre right here. Okay. I'm gonna draw an imaginary line up the centre. Okay.

When I point to everybody on this half of the-this half of the line,

even up there all you people, the top of your lungs, I need you to scream the word cock.

Cock? Could you pick a different word?

Just fucking hear me out. There's a method to this.

This will prove it I guess.

Okay when I point to this half of the building here, I want you guys to scream the word tractor.

Julian: Cock tractor.

What the fuck is a cock tractor?

A cock tractor. It's what a farmer drives around, pulls his chickens around on.

Oh okay. I thought we were talking about something totally different must be my buzz on.

No a cock tractor, okay so if they're not hypnotized Julian

then I guess nothing'll happen if I do this.

Crowd: Cock! Tractor!

They're fucking hypnotized.

They're not hypnotized.

Did you fucking hear them?

Crowd: Cock! Tractor! Tractor! Cock! Cock! Cock! Cock!

Okay. We're good here. Jesus.

It's a very, very powerful feeling boys.

It's like I was shooting cock bolts out of my fingers. Like a cock wizard.

Ricky: Are we good here?

Julian, there's two old ladies in the front going cock! Cock!

Ricky: I wish fucking Cory and Trevor were here.

Julian: Yeah no shit!

Those fucking dicks abandoned me after I taught them how to live and

You want Cory and Trevor?

No just wait, Ricky. Come here. >Fuck me. What?

Come here for a second just wait. I'm baked now. You gotta think outside the box here.

I'm not in a fucking box. I don't think.

No Ricky. I mean you gotta think differently. Look everybody here is hypnotized, right?

Right.

You want to have a Cory and Trevor, I can just tell two people they are Cory and Trevor

and they'll fucking believe it.

That's a fucking good idea.

Can we turn the lights up for a second here? For one second?

Bubbles: Can I have the two biggest dickweeds,

the dumbest two guys in the place put your hands up?

Ricky: Holy fuck there's a lot of dummies here.

Julian: Shit okay we're looking for a Trevor you gotta be like, what, six foot two?

Well pretty tall.

Really long arms wing span.

Great big garbage scooping arms.

Dumb as fuck.

Holy fuck, look at the wing span on this guy. He looks really dumb.

All right. We need a Cory. You've got to be about five foot six, really dumb.

This guy right here? Maybe? I don't know.

That guy? >They-they're saying he's like Cory.

Are you like five six? >Ricky: He doesn't really look like Trevor.

Julian: All right come on up. This guy doesn't-this guy he don't look like Cory man.

Ricky: No that's a bad one. He looks like Randy.

Bubbles: This is Cory? He's kind of a Cory fucking Cory/Randy hybrid.

I'm just fucking with you there, pal. Here Trevor. Put that on your head.

Make you look a little more like Trevor anyway.

Ricky: Yeah, all right. That's better. Trevor got some glasses.

And a fucking red beard. He looks a little bit like him.

Here. Jam those on and here go over, stand with him. Put that on your head like Cory wears it.

Boys, just move over here. Just come over here.

Let's just observe them in their natural habitat here for a second.

Ricky: Holy fuck. He's stupid. Is it possible that two people are dumber than Cory and Trevor?

Oh yes it is possible apparently.

Julian: Holy shit. >Ricky: Jesus Christ.

That's as probably as good as we're gonna get.

Bubbles: Okay Ricky, there you go. You got your Cory and Trevor now. Fucking berate them.

Ricky: You fucking assholes. Boys I need some joints fucking rolled and actually

you know what? I'm concerned here is that they look too fucking dumb to roll joints.

You want joints rolled, we got a whole bunch of people here.

Get some ladies up here and roll some joints.

Ah no. Fuck that.

Julian: What do you mean no?

Bubbles: What do you mean no?

Boys, women can't roll joints.

Ricky I bet ya there's ladies here in Dublin that can roll a mean fucking joint.

Well maybe it's different here, I don't know.

I mean it is called Doobie-Lin so possibly they can.

They can't in Sunnyvale or anywhere else in Canada I've been but...

Well get some up here.

If you come up here and you can't roll I will fucking snap so I hope,

I hope you prove me wrong.

All right. Is there any ladies out there that can roll joints? And love the taste of rum?

Okay we've got two. We've got three. Thank fuck.

Oh that was all right girls. I hope to fuck you guys aren't cocking me round here.

Bubbles: Cory, Trevor get the fuck over there.

Ricky: Get the fuck over here boys. Let's go. First off, let's go. Smokes. Who's got them?

Who's fucking got them? Nice.

Ricky, get them to get a fucking table out here would ya.

Ricky: Get that table and bring it the fuck out here.

Bubbles: I'm waiting for you, for fuck sakes.

Ricky: Watch out don't fucking hurt anybody.

Bubbles: Okay. I'm just gonna wait here. Get it set up.

Ricky: Okay it's right here in the centre, perfect.

Bubbles: Holy fuck Ricky.

Ricky: Way to go, boys.

Boys, do you know where the fucking centre of the stage is?

Put the table in the centre of the fucking stage. My god.

Julian: Holy fuck. Oh my - boys, the centre of the stage. Right there.

Ricky: Jesus Christ. The Irish Trevor and Cory are fucked!

Bubbles: Yeah, Irish Trevor and Cory are not very smart.

At least they knew how to work a chair. That's good.

Let's see who we're dealing with here. What's your name?

Trish.

Trish. It hasn't changed eh? Excellent. What's your name?

Cerica.

What the fuck did you just say?

Cerica.

Cerica?

Cerica

Julian: Cerica

Cerica.

Cerica.

Randy: Is that a porn star, Bubbles?

Randy, you shut the fuck up. She's not a porn star. Her name's Cerica.

Better name than fucking Randy. What's your name?

Katrina.

What is it?

Katrina.

Katrina. All right.

Ricky: Wow. Is that your real hair?

Can I touch that?

Ricky: That's cool.

Dee-dee-deedle-deedle

Ricky: All right. I still do not believe you guys can roll so I'm gonna pull out some shitty,

shitty shake and we'll see if you guys can roll this up and then we'll pull out some really,

really fun stuff.

Bubbles: Okay so what are the rules here, Ricky?

Let's make it simple. The first fucking joint wins

but it's gotta-it's gotta be a smokeable joint.

-so not biggest or anything like that, just

I want to go there but I don't even believe - oh fuck she's sticking patties together.

She's tearing the shit out of this pack. Look. Filter being made right here.

Okay you guys are gonna fucking prove me wrong here. This is awesome.

Look at those nails, Ricky. Look at those nails. Those nails are done.

All right she's got-she's doing great here.

Look it, she's already piling it in.

I may possibly fucking move here right now. This is fantastic.

Look at Martha Stewart over here. Craft time.

Oh geez. She's got it going. Look.

What the fuck is going on here?

I'm gonna fucking...

That is that's a fatty.

It looks like a fucking Snoop Dogg joint.

Ricky: She's putting a filter in. Jesus Christ. They can all roll.

Okay, okay. She's almost ready.

She's got the filter in down here.

I love this place! I am impressed. Okay. They can roll. All three of them, which -

Julian: All right do you want to see a competition?

Ricky: What do you mean the competition? That was the competition.

Julian: That was a shitty competition. Okay boys. Get the fuck out here.

You guys have three empty bottles, three full bottles. There's three contestants,

try to fucking figure this one out boys. What are you gonna do with the bottles? Think.

Bubbles: Three full ones and three empty ones

No you don't drink them. Three contest-holy fuck. What the fuck are ya doing?

Ya souveneirs. Just take them. Go see ya guys. Thanks for coming out. Well done.

Julian: A full bottle each, an empty bottle each. Now hurry the fuck up.

Bubbles: What is this competition?

This is called the rum transfer.

Don't oh - geez. Oh my god.

All right, don't open anything.

I can't believe these guys actually function in society.

Would you give me that Cory. Stop fucking around, and the other one.

Maybe he's on mushrooms or something.

What are ya, a fucking pirate?

Julian: All right ladies, this is called the rum transfer. This is what you gotta do.

Ricky: What?

You take the full bottle, you put it in your mouth, take a swig. You don't swallow.

You spit. Spit into the empty one, the fullest one...

That's disgus - hold on a second. Is this real rum?

What do you mean is this real rum?

Give me one of the bottles. Get the microphone, Ricky?

Where is the fucking microphone? Get the fuck out of my way, boys.

We got C-Dog dark rum.

All right.

Some people are like yeah and other people are like oh fuck.

What do we do?

Okay, just listen. Just listen to this. Let's see if it's real.

Julian: Of course it's real.

Ricky: Okay

Seadog. Argh go have the fucking seadog into ya.

Julian: The first one to fill up the empty one is the winner and fucking awesome.

Julian, this is fucked. This would make me puke.

Okay just a second, Go! Go! Go! Go!

All right, she's pretty fucking psyched up.

Ricky: Oh god.

Julian: Come ladies. Holy shit this is beautiful.

Bubbles: Seadog.

Ricky: Ah Randy, zoom in. This is fucking horrible.

Julian: No this is the kind of shit I dream about in jail boys. Look at this.

Ricky: That is nasty.

Bubbles: Dirty old fucking seadog.

Ricky: Yes!

Julian: That was - that was very lovely. Cerica? Cerica. You're fucking amazing.

Ricky: That was-that was impressive. I could not have fucking done that.

Julian: That's a good Irish girl right there.

Ricky: So is she the winner, Bubbles?

Bubbles: No. Just wait. You guys both got to run a competition. I want to run a competition.

Ricky: What the fuck?

Julian: But-but she won.

Get all that shit out of there.

All right Cory and Trevor, let's go. Get this..

Julian: Good hustle Trev, good hustle.

This is a competition I like to play sometimes. This is the best game ever I think.

Is that cat litter?

Yeah. We're gonna play bobbing for turds.

Bubs, you can't make them bob for fucking cat turds. That's disgusting.

No Ricky, they're just little fucking chocolate bars I got at Halloween. Look.

You just put them in there like that.

Ricky: What are the rules here?

Bubbles: It's pretty, it's a pretty simple game. I don't know.

I can't believe you guys have never played this.

Do you guys know the game pin the tail on the donkey? Fuck that game.

This is the new pin the tail on the donkey. All you do is you keep your hands at your sides.

When I say go you stick your face in, you grab one, spit it here.

The first one to spit five out is the winner. That's as easy as it is.

But I'm just gonna warn you, Cory, Trevor, crouch down over there and count them off as

they come out. I now it sounds-I know it sounds crazy but believe me when I say go

you will not believe the fucking flurry of turds.

Ricky: Maybe we can put one of you dicks on each side of the table. No, Bubs? I don't know.

Yeah. Get over here.

Randy: Ah fuck! They're gonna be in my way. Holy fuck!

Julian: Like why'd you even say that?

Ricky: Holy fuck!

Julian: Cory, get the fuck over here.

Bubbles: Cory, get the fuck over there.

Julian: Trevor, stay, sit don't fucking move.

Randy: Get down lower, Cory, for fuck sakes!

Ricky: How do you guys function in the real world?

Bubbles: Okay. Are you girls ready? Everybody know the rules? We all down and we all,

we all down and we all ready? Here we go. Three, two, one. We got a misfire,

we got a misfire. One turd out, one turd out and two, two, we got two turds out. Two.

We got a misfire, misfire. Three turds.

Julian: One more, one more, one more, one more. Five right here. Right here.

Bubbles: No I think it was here.

Julian: No I-what are you talking about? It was right here.

Ah boys, Cory you weren't counting it off right you stupid bastards.

Now I don't know who fucking won.

I told you we should have invested in one of those cameras they have at the horse track.

Julian: All right. So who won here?

I don't know. The last two turds were going like that and I-I couldn't tell which one hit.

Julian: When in doubt, go back to the liquor. There's three of 'em, three beer.

Ricky: Oh Julian! What the fuck?

Julian: What do you mean what the fuck?

Bubbles: What is this?

Ricky: More alcohol.

Julian: A straight up chug.

Ricky: This should decide everything. All right.

Julian: Okay. Ready ladies? One, two, three, chug.

Audience: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Julian: What do you mean? What the fuck? Come on. You're doing great,

you're doing great. You guys are pretty close. I think she's winning. I think she's winning.

Ricky: This is gonna be a photo finish.

Julian: No, no more of a tilt.

Bubbles: She's got more of a tilt.

Julian: Yeah totally. Come on girls. Oh she's gonna throw up. Keep it down, keep it down.

Use this if you have to.

Ricky: She's coming back, she's coming back. No way.

Bubbles: She's coming back with...

Ricky: Like Sea Biscuit.

That was close. I don't know.

Can you stand? Are you able to stand?

Yes

Are you able to stand or? Come here out here. Come here. Come here.

I'd like to introduce everybody to Dublin's best party girl.

Yeah! What's your name again? I'm just joking.

Julian: DId a great job ladies. Well done, well done.

Ricky: Boys, come over here for a second.

Julian: See ya ladies.

Ricky: Thank you.

Julian: Hands down.

Julian: Give me a big kiss. Hands down Trev, give me the fucking shirt...

Bubbles: You know what boys? Here. Give me one. You fucking dummy.

Ricky: I knew you were going to do that Mike.

All right go back there and take that shit off guys. Go back and get drunk.

Let's hear it for those two dummies.

They were pretty good.

Bubbles: They were kind of fucked Julian to be honest.

Big time.

Oh boys. You know what?

Is that it? Are we done?

No. You know what?

Ricky: What?

Just wait. Those guys are hip-I never even thought.

Julian: Wait. What are you doing?

Ricky: Oh I get it...

Audience Member: What the fuck?

Oh fucking Donnie's here. Is he?

Audience Member: Dirty Dancer!

Julian: Shut the fuck up with that. It doesn't make any sense.

I look nothing like Patrick Swayze.

I'd like to sing this for ya. This is a song I sing back home at the legion.

This is a song about my two favourite things. Hahaha, liquor and whores.

♪ Liquor and whores, liquor and whores. Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna, ♪

♪ liquor and whores. When I was down drinkin' at the Legion, I met a girl she was nice, ♪

♪ liquor and whores. When I was down drinkin' at the Legion, I met a girl she was nice, ♪

♪ she was pretty and pleasing. She said "Hey boy, we should do some marrying" ♪

♪ and I said sure but before we do there's something that you should know. ♪

♪ I like liquor and whores, liquor and whores. ♪

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna, ♪

♪ liquor and whores. Ah do do do badad do doo ooh. And then one night down at the Legion ♪

♪ liquor and whores. Ah do do do badad do doo ooh. And then one night down at the Legion ♪

♪ she walked in. I was drunk on gin dancing with a lady friend. My wife said hey boy, ♪

♪ you better fly the fuck home but I said no because of five little words I could have swore ♪

♪ I said to you. That I like liquor and whores. Liquor and whores. ♪

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna, liquor and whores. Come on. ♪

♪ Let's hear you, Dublin. ♪

♪ Crowd: Liquor and whores. Liquor and whores. ♪

♪ Bubbles: Cigarettes and dope d mustard and bologna liquor and come on. ♪

♪ Get up on your feet for a minute. Liquor and whores, liquor and whores. ♪

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustad and bologna liquor and whores. All right yeah, keep it goin'.♪

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna liquor and whores. ♪

♪ All right I like liquor and whores, liquor and whores, here we go! ♪

♪ Cigarettes and dope... ♪

♪ Dope, dope, dope, dope,dope... ♪

Ricky fuck off!

Thank you, thank you. Doobie-lin for a wonderful, wonderful delicious dope.

That was my big finale you're only one serving of dope.

Well one's not enough you need at least fucking ten.

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna and liquor and whores. ♪

♪ Cigarettes and dope and mustard and bologna and liquor and whores. ♪

Liquor and whores!

Right on Bubs.

See that? Play some Rush this guy's saying?

Julian: Do it up Bubs.

Recently inducted into the fucking rock and roll hall of fame.

Julian: Right on Bubs.

♪ And the men who hold high places Must be the ones to start ♪

♪ To mold a new reality Closer to the Heart, come on! Closer to the Heart ♪

Julian: Yeah

♪ The Blacksmiths and the Artit Reflect it in their art ♪

Fuck off. That is fucking Conky and you know it.

It's not Conky that's fucking Geddy Lee baby.

♪ Philosophers and Ploughmen Each must know his part ♪

♪ To sow a new mentality Closer to the Heart ♪

I'm gonna fucking snap.

♪ Closer to the heart! ♪

Julian: Geddy Lee

Ricky: Fucking. Fuck!

Ricky fucking went and ruined it.

Julian: Nice going Rick.

Bubbles: Ricky ruined it.

Would you settle the fuck down?

Who's Geddy Lee?

Julian: I'll fuckin'. Let's go.

Bubbles: No, no Ricky ruined it.

No, just wait. 'Member the-they're all hypnotized still I got to do the-

I got to do the brain thing...

You know what? I was gonna say we should play the video to make them feel normal but fuck it.

No, no. I found the

Oh you found it?

I found it. Julian, I'm not joking. I went on the fucking world pipe.

I typed in brain reconfuckulation video and bing bong there it was.

Julian: All right then let's get that going then.

Nice. Where's Randy? Don't let fucking Randy watch it. I want to keep him hippotized.

I'll make sure he stays back here.

Keep him back there.

So he fucking listens!

I can-I can I make it ah I can explain it to everybody if you want to go

All right. Good.

Good I wanted to get rid of those dick weeds anyway. So basically I'm just gonna get you

to watch this video and I'm gonna count down and when we get to zero the guy with the lights

he's gonna snap all the lights on as bright as you can, just like flicking

a switch at the house and you just look at the person next to you or just pick a point

in the distance and just be like hi there. And that's basically all you gotta do so if

we can dim the lights right now a little bit so that we can - this is the video here.

It's gonna come up here. I think it's from the fifties or something.

It's gonna start here so basically I just need you to -

I just need you to stare ino the centre of this thing.

Just let your mind relax. You're floatin' back. I'm gonna count down from five,

staring into the centre, four, staring into the centre as the centre collapses in on itself.

Three, relax and let your mind go. Two, just keep staring right into the fucking centre

of that dirty whore and zero. Snap on the lights please and everybody just look

feeling your brain moving around in your head, repositioning itself.

Ricky: Nice.

And that should be about it.

Ah that's kinda fucked up right?

Pretty trippy feeling.

Bubbles: Oh fuck, hang on boys. I'll be back in a second.

Julian: All right.

Ricky: This is wicked. I don't remember getting here but-I think I had a good time.

Conky: Hello Ricky. Heeheeheeii

Ricky: You fucking asshole.

Julian: Bubbles, what are you doing?

Ricky: Where the fuck is that little bastard? Where the fuck did he go?

Julian: Bubs, you've got a date tonight.

Julian he just wanted to come out to say goodnight.

Well say goodnight then.

Ricky: Oh you fucking asshole.

What's going on Ricky? You fucking idiot!

Frig off Conky.

Ah fuck you Randy! Heeheehee!

Bubs

How the fuck do you keep coming back to life?

'Cuz I don't need oxygen to live like you do, you fucking idiot.

Julian: Bubs, say goodnight.

Bubbles: Okay. He's just saying goodnight.

Ricky: Bubbles, listen to me right now.

As my friend let me fight him one on one. You just step aside.

Bubbles: Ricky, no.

Julian: Just say goodnight.

Bubbles: He's just gonna say goodnight.

This is just between me and Conky.

How many fucking cheeseburgers did you drive in yourself, Randy?

I switched to chicken, Bubbles.

What are you looking at Ricky you stupid fuck face!

Julian: Ricky just...

Ricky: Bubbles!

Just one fucking punch.

Say goodnight. Please.

Just one fucking punch Conky.

Julian: Say goodnight.

Conky: Just give us a little kiss, Julian.

Julian: Bubs, I'm not kissing a puppet.

Conky: ♪ Oh my Julian. ♪

He doesn't bother me Bubs.

Hey, you like that?

Conky: ♪ My handsome Julian. Patrick Swayze. ♪

♪ You're so fucking sexy in Roadhouse and fucking Dirty Dancing. Hahahahaha! ♪

Julian: Say goodnight.

Fucking goodnight Dublin. Thank you guys so much for coming out.

Julian: Thanks Dublin.

Bubbles: Let me off this fucking thing. Let me off. Thank you very much, sir.

Oh thank you god.

What the fuck you doing, Bubs? Eating rocks?

I'm kissing the ground, Ricky. I'm happy to be home.

We made it buddy.

Hey. It's the boys. How's it going, fellas?

Hey. How's it going, man?

What the fuck's going on?

Where are you boys coming in from?

Julian: Ireland.

Right on. And what was the purpose of your trip?

We actually went over to see Rush play and got a little mixed up and we missed the show.

Ah shitty.

I see you're coming back in private though so I guess it couldn't be that bad.

Yeah except in Doobie-lin Ironland private doesn't mean fucking private.

I go over there

Julian: Ricky!

Ricky! Ricky! Let's just go bud, okay? Just get her stamped and move along.

Sure man.

Welcome back to Canada anyway fellas.

Thanks guys.

Thank you, sir.

Hey Ricky, you didn't happen to bring any dope back with ya did ya?

Well yeah I did but just the same amount that I took over there with me

so that would cancel out, right? No was that-that's a rule or am I making that up?

♪ And the men who hold high places Must be the ones who start ♪

♪ To mold a new reality Closer to the Heart Closer to the Heart ♪

♪ The Blacksmith and the Artist Reflect it in their art ♪

♪ They forge their creativity Closer to the Heart ♪

♪ Yeah, it's closer to the Heart ♪

♪ Philosophers and Ploughmen ♪

♪ Each must know his part To sow a new mentality ♪

♪ Closer to the Heart Yeah, it's closer to the Heart Yeah! ♪

♪ You can be the Captain and I will draw the Chart ♪

♪ Sailing into destiny Closer to the Heart ♪

♪ Closer to the Heart well Closer to the heart, yeah! ♪

♪ Closer to the heart closer to the heart ♪

♪ I said closer to the heart well closer to the heart ♪

♪ Yeah, closer to your heart closer to your heart whoa! ♪