Original subtitles

Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents! Ow!

This is my dad!

This is my mom! [chuckles]

[giggles] This is my sister! She's shy.

This is my grandpa!

This is my room!

And this...

[cheering]

This is my show!

??

[Quasar] Captain's Diary.

I am commencing negotiations

with an alien civilization

whose planet is rich

in a rare and valuable fuel source,

pilithium pickles.

The galaxy needs those pickles.

And so does my bank account!

-Initiating first contact now. -[beeps]

[beeping]

Oh! Look at the size of that brain!

But can we communicate?

Of course!

Mathematics, the universal language.

One, two, three, four...

[snorts]

Huh?

Oh! I hope I didn't insult them

using math that was too simple.

10C divided by 10 equals?

C.

Yes! Excellent! C!

C... food!

Ah! [laughs]

[munches]

Hmm.

Clearly these negotiations

need to be done in person.

Alright, Pat-Tron, go talk to the aliens.

Salutations.

We are honored to make your acquaintance.

? quirky music plays ?

Tastes like space chicken!

Space chicken?!

[Pat-Tron whimpers]

Chicken! Chicken!

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!

I hate to break it to you, Captain,

but these guys don't seem very bright.

I mean, I'm just spitballin' here but-

[both] Spitballs?!

[both inhale]

-[grunts] -[alarm blaring]

[automated voice] Stupidity overload.

So dumb!

Too dumb for my circuits!

[shivering]

[Quasar] We're going to need another translator.

Who do I know that can talk

to the dumbest aliens in the galaxy?

[gasps] Hey!

Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

[audience cheers and applauds]

And today's very special guest is...

Huh?

A special guest? Amazing.

Who is it?

Uh...

I think it's you.

Me? [gasps] That is amazing.

But I shouldn't be surprised.

Just look at what I found this morning.

A lucky penny.

Isn't it amazing?

There's even a little feller on it.

-A penny'll fit in your hand. -[snores]

-It'll fit in your pocket. -Oh!

It'll fit in a coin purse, or a...

Patrick Star?

Present!

Patrick, I need you

for a very important mission.

Something that requires your, erm...

unique intellect.

You need a smarty pants, eh? [chuckles]

Good thing I wore my smarty shirt too.

But wait, if I'm here, who's hosting my show?

Don't worry. I found a suitable replacement.

You know, the only thing better than a penny...

is two pennies.

There's a fella on this one too.

-And hey, they look alike. -I like that guy! He's funny!

...could be brothers. Or cousins. Or uncles.

[Quasar] Captain's Diary.

As we return to the pickle-rich planet,

I have briefed Patrick on his mission.

Got it. You want me to talk to these pickles

so they can give you their aliens?

Other way around.

-Oh! -[neck cracks]

You want me to talk to these pickles so they can-

[groans]

You're right, Captain. Enough talk.

We're men of action. Let's go!

[strained grunts]

-Hello, aliens! -[whooshes]

-[screams] -[sighs deeply]

[Patrick babbles]

? suspenseful music plays ?

[babbles]

[Patrick screams]

You okay there, Patrick?

Fine! How are you?

[coughs, laughs]

-? whimsical music plays -[aliens laughing]

Alright, Patrick.

I need to negotiate with these knuckleheads,

so I'll talk and you translate.

Yes, sir!

Ask him where his leader is.

[slowly] Where is your leader?!

[alien noises]

Huh?

No, no, no.

Not that type of leader. I want to see their ruler!

[slowly] Show us your ruler.

Uh?

Grrr! Ask him who is in charge!

Who. Is. In. Charge?

Charge?

Yeah, yeah!

-Charge! -[electricity buzzes]

No, no! Not that type of...

[Quasar and Patrick scream]

...charge.

I'm done trying to communicate with these dumb-dumbs!

I'll just take the pickles myself.

To the pilithium pickle mines!

Okay. How are we gonna find this platonic piccolo dimes?

Easy-peasy.

With my patented Pickle-Perceptor!

We'll find that pickle mine in no time!

? determined music plays ?

-[sonar beeps] -Oh, the pickles are close.

[dings, beeps]

[party horn blows]

Hmm.

If these readings are correct,

the pickle mine should be right here.

Maybe it's down there.

Down where? I-

Of course.

[screams]

[Patrick] Piranha-Toes!

[both grunt]

[groans]

-? uplifting music plays -Great jumping jackpots!

We've hit the pickle mine mother lode!

Yay! The thing we're looking for!

-Excavation time! -[pickax whooshes]

? upbeat montage music plays ?

[clinks]

[clatters]

-[whimpering] -? music fades ?

-[teeth chatters] -Bad! Bad!

Hey, little guy, what's the matter?

-[screams] -[scoffs]

Don't be afraid. It's just a pickle. See?

[shudders]

Oh wow!

? ominous music plays ?

[sniffs, slobbers]

Mmm!

Ah.

All these pickles are gonna make me

the galaxy's first Dillionaire.

[gasps] Leaping lasers!

-? whimsical music plays -[munches]

Patrick, they've eaten all my pickles!

[gulps]

Not all of them.

I saved you one.

? tense music plays ?

Gadzooks, Patrick Star!

Those pickles aren't for eating!

They're for making merich!

I searched the galaxy for those priceless pickles

and youturned them into radioactive appetizers!

Buh-buh-behind-

No, I won't put this behind us!

You have half the processing power of Pat-Tron,

and furthermore-

Not now. [inhales]

[forcefully] I said not...

[meekly] ...now?

[chuckles nervously] Who are you fine folks?

We are the potentates of this planet

that you have plundered.

And we couldn't be further from fine!

We leave for a quick space errand

and return to find all our pickles

have become crumbs!

Your pickles?

Yes.

It took us eons to train our pets

notto eat them!

Now we must send the entire planet

back to obedience school.

Pets?

-Ah! -[laughs]

[laughs nervously] How embarrassing.

I thought these creatures were the dominant life form

on this planet because of their massivebrains.

[gasp]

You thought that was a massive brain?!

Well yes, what else could it be? [chuckles]

-[farts] -Ugh!

Enough!

You must pay for your crimes

of pickle pilfering!

Oh, of course.

You know, I seem to have left

my space wallet in the ship.

-I'll be right back! -[beeps]

[growls]

Some people'll tell you that a nickel is worth five pennies,

but I'd pay a dozen nickels for a good penny.

-Heck, I'd pay two dozen dimes. -[groans] Wake up, Pat-Tron.

We gotta reach the farthest edge of the galaxy, tout de suite!

[rumbles]

-Halt! -Holy smokes!

How did they find me?!

-You can thank your pet! -? tense music plays ?

Hi!

? music stops ?

A pet tag?!

-[Patrick grunts] -Oh yeah!

I make Patrick wear one

since he's always getting lost. [giggles]

Thanks, aliens!

Deploy the prisoner cube!

-? ominous music plays -[pants] Whoa!

Pat-Tron!

[Pat-Tron] Pat-Tron's Diary.

Big mean aliens have taken the captain.

Now I'm all alone.

I don't know what to do.

Captain?!

Is it really you?

In your underpants?!

Of course it's me in my underpants!

I escaped using the teleporter.

But wait. Won't the aliens notice you're gone?

I've found a suitable replacement.

? tense music plays ?

Captain Quasar, are you ready for your punishment?

-Hey! -? upbeat music plays ?

Are you aliens? Am I being abducted?

Uh... Sure.

Golly! And is this a spaceship?

And your heads? Are they ever big and blocky!

I had a friend with a big blocky head.

Tommy Trotter.

??

[Bunny humming happily]

Mmm!

[grunts]

Cupcakes are in the oven!

Who wants to lick the spoon? [echoes]

-? angelic music plays -I wanna lick the spoon!

I do! I do!

I do! I do! I do! I do! I do! I do!

[sheepishly] I wanna lick the spoon, Mama.

Here you go, sweetie.

I was gonna lick that!

I believe Igrabbed it first!

Well, I believe it was...

mewho grabbed it first.

-? tense music plays -[sniffs, clears throat]

How do we settle this?

Same way Stars have settled disputes for centuries.

Starin' contest.

-[gasps] -[bowl shatters]

The last time two Stars had a staring contest...

there were no survivors.

If that's the way it's gotta be,

then that's the way it's gotta be.

Oh, look! There's some batter left in the-

Tomorrow. High noon.

We settle this fair and square.

Or... I could just make more cupcakes.

Cue training montage.

-? motivational music plays -One! Two! Three!

-[grunts] -Four! Gawk for glory!

Five! Six! Seven!

-[grunts] -Ogle those goggles! [laughs]

Come on! There is no "I" in eyeball!

Yes! Press those peepers!

Keep your eyes on the road!

-Uh... -[eyeballs screech]

Nice save!

[grunts]

Look at you go!

-[GrandPat] Woo-hoo! -[Squidina] Oh yeah!

Eye of the tiger shark!

-[grunts] -Yes! You're learning!

[grunting]

[battle cry]

-? music stops -[bell tolls]

[bird screeches]

-? Western music plays -[laughter]

-[gulps] -[sneers]

[both whimper]

Okay, boys, I want to see

a good, old-fashioned staring contest.

First one to blink or look away loses.

Winner takes the spoon!

Oh! [chuckles nervously]

And I want a clean stare-down.

That means no eyes tattooed on eyelids

and no eyeballs painted on glass.

-Hmph! -Ready?

-? tense music plays -That spoon is as good as mine!

[Bunny] Step.

Don't count your spoons before they're licked.

Stare!

Why waste a good show idea?

? fun music plays ?

[cheering]

[French Narrator] Five minutes later...

[audience member coughs]

Mom, I'm bored.

Can we go home and do chores?

Yeah, let's go, kids.

Ha! I knew it!

Someone's already

getting sleepy-weepy.

No, I'm not.

My eyes are just boredsy-woredsy

'cause this is so... [yawns]

...easy-weazy.

-[banging on door] -Gah!

Dagnabbit!

This better be good!

Who's there?

It's me!

I said, "Who's there?!"

Granny Tentacles, for kelp's sake!

I'm here for our big date.

Oooh! GrandPat's got a big date!

So sorry you can't stick around.

Looks like I win the staring contest.

Nonsense!

I'm going on this date!

And so are you!

Oh yeah?

Yeah!

You're bringing Patrick on our date?!

Grr!

That's terrible!

Don't worry, it will be just like our regular dates.

Yeah. Terrible.

[classical music plays]

This wig powder is like our love.

-Dry and dusty. -[dramatic music stinger]

See? Told you it would be fine.

[sighs]

Can I have some popcorn?

Help yourself!

Excuse me?! I paid for that popcorn!

[screams]

No! He ate my keys!

-[SpongeBob laughs] -Whoa!

What in Neptune's name?!

[laughs]

It's sponge o'clock![laughs]

[gasps] I forgot!

I'm supposed to meet SpongeBob at Glove World today!

Oh, don't mind me.

Go to your little play date and forfeit the staring contest.

No way! I went on your date,

now you're gonna go on my date!

Alright, I will then!

Fine!

Eh. All told, one of our better dates actually.

? suspenseful music plays ?

Patrick! Over here!

Hey, SpongeBob!

Ready for Glove World?

But of course, my dear man.

Let's go!

[gasps] Wait up, Patrick!

Three passes please!

Free pass? Alright!

Patrick! That's not me!

Whoa there. Just where do you think you're going?

Oh, uh, well, I'm kinda low on funds at the moment.

[laughs nervously] My friend was supposed to pay my way.

Hey, enough with the pity party, okay?

Relax!

I stopped you

so you could give your friend

his money back!

Today is Free Friday at Glove World!

-Free Friday?! -Yep!

Alright! Wait up, Patrick!

Don't forget your friend's... money?

? cheeky music plays ?

Ready for some big-time roller coaster action,

SpongeBob?

Oh, you betcha, Patrick!

-Uh, this way, buddy. -Hold on.

You have to sit this one out, old-timer.

Outrageous!

This ticker is as strong as a whale!

With all due respect, sir,

Sea Stars don't have hearts.

I can't let you on this high-velocity ride

due to excessively flappy skin.

Oh, looks like you can't keep up.

Sorry, old man.

You think I'm giving up that easy?

I'm prepared for anything!

Huh. Nothing here against wheelie boots on the tracks.

-Just give up! -[grunts]

Never!

[GrandPat pants]

-Gotcha! -Ooh!

Wah!

[laughs]

It's over, Gramps! Let go!

Not on my watch!

Um. Okay, Patrick, I think I'm gonna go now.

Let's do this again once your staring contest is over.

You mean once I win this staring contest.

Oh right. Anyway, see ya, buddy.

-[inhales] -Bye, SpongeBob!

This will be over in no time at all.

[crickets chirp]

Isn't it past your bedtime, old man?

I ain't goin' down that easy.

I'll stay up for a hundred years if I have to.

Oh yeah?

Well, I'll stay up for 200 years!

I'll stay up for a million!

[Patrick] I'll stay up for infinity!

[GrandPat] I'll stay up for infinity plus one!

? classical music plays ?

[leaves rustling]

[birds chirping]

[wind whistling]

Looks like all life on the planet has gone extinct.

? Western music plays ?

Looks like it has.

Maybe we should call a truce?

[spits] I ain't backing down.

Not as long as I got ground to stand on.

[rumbling]

Looks like we're out of ground to stand on,

on account of the whole planet just blew up.

So it did, so it did.

Maybe now we should call a truce.

S'pose we should.

That spoon's probably long gone by now. [echoes]

[Patrick] Along with everything we ever loved.

[GrandPat] Yep.

So... truce?

-? majestic music builds up -Truce.

[both sigh in relief]

-? music fades -[whooshes]

-It's mine! It's mine! -Mine! Mine!

-It's mine, mine! -Mine!

[both] Mine.

Mine.

Well, y'know what thiscalls for.

Starin' contest.

[both] Eh, you can have it.

??

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